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You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand KFI AM six forty. You

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have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and

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this is the time of the show
and I am taking your calls. If

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you have a relationship question, give
me a call. The numbers one eight

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hundred five to zero, one five, three four. That's one eight hundred

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five to zero one KFI Reminder.
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology

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professor, but I've written three books
on relationships and i am obsessed with the

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science of love. Okay, Producer
Kayla, who do you have? First?

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We have Rebecca at the question.
Rebecca. Hi, Rebecca, It's

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doctor Wendy. Hello, how are
you good? One here? Thank you?

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Sam? Do you what's your question? So? I have just I'm

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kind of confused here. I was
dating a gentleman for almost four and a

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half years and recently found out he
was going he was separating, going through

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a divorce, and just found out
recently he was He met somebody and I

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confronted, well, I confronted him
and then texted her and kind of let

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her know what was going on,
and he blocked me on social media and

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everything, and I work with the
guy. So this week, oh,

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I'm kind of like, I'm confused. I don't have to think of maybe

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looking for a new job or but
I am a really good job, so

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I'm just really just Rebecca. First
of all, I am so sorry this

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happened to you, and I do
want to say something if there's a lesson

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here for people listening to when somebody
is separated and going through a divorce,

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they're not fully separate, right,
not legally and maybe not even emotionally in

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their mind. Correct. And so
you were his stepping stone relationship, his

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interim relationship, and now all of
a sudden he meets somebody else. So

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this is this is a time of
grieving for you. Okay. The fact

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that he blocked you on social says
that he doesn't have the emotional maturity to

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even be able to talk to you
about this. He feels shame. Okay,

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he blocked you because he feels shame, and you're feeling confused because you've

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got no explanation from him, and
now you've got to go to work and

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run into him. You've been dating
four and a half years. Does he

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have stuff at your house and everything. Are there loose ends? Yes,

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we both do. Oh yeah,
yeah, all those loose ends. Okay,

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Eventually he will talk to you,
but my advice to you is at

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the office to be completely professional.
Just keep your game face on. Don't

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even let him know that you know
about anything. Don't deal with it,

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don't even try to catch his eye. You just go do your job.

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Do not search for another job.
This man does not deserve to kick you

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out of your workplace. I'm sorry. You need to hold your head high

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because he's the one that messed up. Okay, Okay, Eventually he's gonna

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come around, and he's gonna want
his spatula and you're gonna want your jeans

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whatever. You're gonna do that switch, but it'll be at a time where

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emotions aren't running so high. So
I want you to reach out to all

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your girlfriends, your family. I
want you to vent, I want you

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to heal, I want you to
grieve. It's okay to be mad,

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Rebecca. This guy messed with you
four and a half years, his divorce

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comes final, and he goes and
gets a girlfriend. Oh oh yeah,

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yeah, yo yo, y breaks
my heart. Thank you for calling Rebecca.

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Okay, Kayla, who do we
have next? Michael? Oh?

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Hello, ro Michael. Hi Michael, it's doctor Wendy. Hi doctor,

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how you doing good? What's your
question? Love? Okay? Well,

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my question is about something that you
talked about. Oh, it's been at

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least a year, probably longer.
And I was getting a haircut and the

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woman cut my hair and her daughter
and another woman were listening to this story

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I told that you told on the
air. It was about when a man

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and a woman have unprotected sex and
the next night, the woman has unprotected

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sex with a second man. Uh
huh. And the next night that man

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has unprotected sex with a second woman
and she gets pregnant, and they found

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out that it was seeming from the
first man. Yes. This is from

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a very wonderful book that's a great
read called Why Is the Penis Shaped Like

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That? And they talk about how
a woman can get pregnant by a man

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she's never had sex with because he
can drag around the other guy's sperm from

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the last woman he had sex with. Correct. My question is who would

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be legally and financially responsible for the
baby. I have no idea. You'd

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have to ask a lawyer about that. One who would be legally responsible for

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the baby. I mean, who
knows, right, I mean, genetically,

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this woman has a pregnancy and it's
not even her well, it has

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to be her egg, right,
her egg gets fertilized with another man's sperm.

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But if the I guess, if
I were a lawyer and I was

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just spitballing here, I would say, the man who intended to impregnate the

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woman, he meant to do it
with his own sperm, of course,

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but he accidentally brought in another guy
sperm. He should be responsible. But

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I'm making this up because I'm not
a lawyer. But very good question,

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Michael. I like it something to
think about, all right, Producer,

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Kayla, who do we have next? We have Anonymous with a question.

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Okay, Anonymous, it's doctor Wendy. How are you hello? I am

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a question. I have a boyfriend
now and I am eight years older,

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and but we are so compatible.
I just ended a relationship. He was

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like a milligant narcissist the last than
I had, and that ended in February,

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and then I sit a little time
off, and then he had a

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girlfriend that he was in. They
in that relationship, so we really didn't

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get together, really until autum.
Okay, so it's been almost it'll be

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almost five months. But we're very
compatible. We have a great time together.

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He tells me that, you know, he's sticking around no matter what.

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But I always am very self conscious
about being older. I just wanted

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to have your kids because I I'll
slow down everk full time. I run

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my own business. You know.
I just feel that his family's real supportive

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by him on this side. But
my family's sort of like, I'll just

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hold off. And I have a
sister and so he just so you mentioned

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your you're eight years older than him. How old are you and how old

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is he? I just turned sixty
four, you're sixty four, and he's

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just turned and he's fifty six.
Fifty six, that's the same age.

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Sorry. You know, like I
teach developmental psychology, right and at the

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two ends of the lifespan early in
life, like kindergarten, you will see

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this wide range of developmental abilities.
You'll see in one kindergart in class one

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kid that's still crying and wetting their
pants and another kid quietly reading books in

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the corner. And the same thing
happens at the end of life. After

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you hit fifty you're going to see
that some people age faster and some people

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not so fast. You sound like
a very young sixty four year old.

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Also, the most important reason why
I asked about your ages is your reproductive.

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Reproductive urgencies are behind you. Right. Nobody's talking about having a family

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or having kids, So it sounds
like this is just all in your head

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and you're working on your self esteem. And if you've been with a kind

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of toxic person in the past,
it tells me that maybe that person and

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some of your other earlier relationships might
have impacted your self esteem in a negative

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way. So I would say,
you know what, go for it.

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I think it's fabulous. And who
cares that you're eight years old or you're

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sixty four. If you're having fun
with a fifty six year old guy,

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then don't listen to your family.
We have such a great time. Yeah.

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Oh, and I have one other
thing I want to say. My

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parents were married thirty five years until
death do they parted of cancer and my

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mother was nine years older than my
dad. So there you go. There

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you go, have a wonderful relationship. Thank you for calling. Okay,

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do we have time for me to
do a quick social media roll or do

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we have to go to break?
We should go to break, go to

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break. Okay. When we come
back, I'll continue to take your calls

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and I'll be checking my dms on
social The number is one eight hundred five

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two zero one five three four.
That's one eight hundred five two zero one.

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KFI you're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty.

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Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six

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forty on demand kf I Am six
forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with

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you. This is the Dr Wendy
Walls Show. I'm taking your calls and

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answering your social media questions. The
numbers one eight hundred five two zero one

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five three four. Okay. Producer
Kayla, who do we have? We

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have Mike with a question. Great, Hi Mike, it's doctor Wendy.

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Hi Doctor Wendy. How are you? Thank you for thinking of a call?

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Happy to what's your question? Okay? I have a dynamic situation.

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I'll try to shorten it up.
Last year I caught my ex cheating on

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me after sixteen years of marriage to
kids. I run a small business.

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You know, we owned a nice
home together. So I caught her teating

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and she wanted to include the children
in our arguments, and I did my

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best to keep the kids out of
it. Yeah, she all the night.

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She wanted three on one argument type
of thing. How old are the

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children the eleven and fifteen, fifteen
year old girl eleven year old boys.

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So as soon as I found out
about it, I wanted to have a

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discussion with her to find a resolution
to either split or stay together. She

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began to bring the kids into the
argument. The very next day she told

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the kids. She told me that
I was on drugs and the kids were

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going to die and overdose on scattered
drugs that I was applying all over the

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house. She started alienating from me
from the kids. The kids couldn't eat

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her drink in the house. For
almost a year, she actually yes,

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she would take them off the property
for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

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On the weekends. She would beat
it's on the weekends. She would take

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them for eight to ten hours Saturdays
and Sundays away from me. So in

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February I called Children's services. Children's
services came and told her to stop doing

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that. They did an investigation.
The drug life stopped thirty days later.

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Well, yeah, the investigation was
closed and the lady said it'd be call

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me back them and taking kids from
you. Well, the drug lie immediately

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began again after that. So in
May I explained to my actis, I

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said, if these restrictions don't stop, then I'll have to file for a

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divorce. And she says, well, it sounds like you're threatening me.

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I said, no, it's not
a threat. I just it's a statement.

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I need these things to stop.
My son needs to be picked up

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in five minutes. Why would you
want to stay married to this woman I

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filed for I gave her three I
know I gave her. I wanted to

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keep my family together, so I
gave her three opportunities to stop the alienation

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and the drug lives. It didn't. So I filed for divorce in May.

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And I wanted to do this amicably. And it's not going to happen

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emically. Okay, So Mike,
let me just say this. You need

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to arm yourself with a good therapist
and a good lawyer, and you are

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in for a lifetime of a fight. There's a wonderful book out there on

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parental alienation and how you should behave
It's about boundaries with her. Don't think

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if I do this, she'll be
nice. If I do this, she

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won't lie about me. If I
do this, then I'll be able to

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see my kids more. Nope,
boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, no threats,

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no threats ever. Just set rules
and boundaries and make sure you stay

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within the law. Make sure you
keep your kids safe. And I'm sure

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the family lawyer will probably tell you
to keep records of absolutely everything emails.

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Try to only communicate with her by
email or text, so you've got a

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nice written list of what's going on. And the book I read on parental

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alienation was so wonderful because it says, don't get into the weeds with your

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ex who's trying to say bad things
about you. Instead, just when you

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do spend time with your kids.
Just be normal and let them see who

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what a nice, good dad you
are. And then after a while they

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will figure it out. They're not
stupid, they're your kids, you know.

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My saying is give them enough rope, meaning your ex, they'll hang

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themselves right. So kids will be
able to make the decision if you don't

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get into the weeds with that person. It's important that you take the high

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road. It's important that you keep
your kids safe, and it's important that

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you arm yourselves with a lawyer and
a good therapist. Mike, I'm so

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sorry you're going through this. You're
not alone. Many people are going through

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this, all right, Producer,
Kayla, do we have someone else?

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We do? We have lydia with
the question Lydia, Hi, Lydia.

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It's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor
Wendy. So my question is in regards

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to my daughter in law. My
son and her have been married for about

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seven years. They have two kids, six year old little daughter and almost

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three year old little son, and
I recently found out that my daughter in

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law has been telling things to my
grandkids that are harming them regarding my food.

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I babysit them twice a week,
and my son and his wife are

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workaholics. She never cooks. He
never cooks because they're working all the time.

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So when I come over and babysit
for them, I bring my own

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food because they only need Froden meals
and throws the meals all the time.

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So what is she saying? What
is she saying to the children about your

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food. She's telling them that my
granddaughter told me there's adida. They call

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me adida adida without saying the words
hurting you. My daughter, my granddaughter

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is thinking that I'm trying to cause
them to get diabetes, but by one

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feeding them, because I usually give
them a little bit of sweets when I

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come over, I give them mac
and cheese. I give them a little

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bit of pancakes. I give them
things that I can bring to them,

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fast meals that I can cook at
home, or I cook it in the

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house. So my daughter, my
granddaughter, is hurting. She's very well

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spoken. She'll say things like adida, I know you love me. I

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know you're not trying to cause diabetes
by my mom says you are. And

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I don't know why my mom is
always saying things about your food. Okay,

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this is a power struggle over food
and two different beliefs about food.

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So here's how I would solve it. If I were you, I would

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not deal with you daughter in law. I would deal with your son,

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and I would say to your son, do you want me to continue babysitting.

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If so, you either provide food
that you think is correct and healthy

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for these kids, or you tell
your wife to shut up about my food.

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You set a boundary. And if
he can't set a boundary with his

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wife, and if he's say,
man, you don't babysit, why go

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and torture yourself? Right, So
you set up a boundary that says you

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guys can provide food. If you
think too much carbohydrate and sugar, it

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potentially can cause diabetes, which,
between you and I, lydia not so

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good for kids. I'm a health
psychology professor. So you might say something

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like, the kids are telling me
that you don't like how much sugar I'm

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giving them, Could you give me
some guidelines on how much vegetable and protein

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you prefer me to serve? Or
you could say, why don't you leave

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some protein and vegetables for me to
feed the kids when I babysit them.

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If you want to keep me babysitting, that's what I would do. Set

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up a boundary, don't stress over
it. Just figure out a way and

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deal with your son, not with
her. All right, let me go

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because we have a minute to social
media because there's a question that came in

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on my Instagram. I read it
this week and I said, Gayla,

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we have to answer this question this
week. Okay, dear doctor Wendy,

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do you have any guidance on the
following. This person says, I broke

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up with my girlfriend last June.
It was very sad. We were even

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looking at rings. A few days
ago, I received an email from my

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Disneyland account asking to look at my
recent Disneyland visit pictures. Weird. The

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last time I was there was a
year ago with my ex. Apparently my

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email ID was still linked to her
Disney PhotoPass oh technology. Upon opening the

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email, I saw a ton of
pictures of her posing with presumably see presumably

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that's a bad word, because we
never know her new boyfriend. Many of

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the poses were carbon copies of our
experience. She was even wearing the earrings

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I bought her. Sadly, I
saw those images before the actual couple saw

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them. I am destroyed inside.
All Right, Guidance, let me just

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say this, I'm sorry that technology
hurt you. She didn't necessarily do it

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to you. People have romantic triggers, whether it's places they go, pose

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as they do in front of certain
places or whatever, and that's her romantic

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style. I know it hurts.
I know this must have been so painful

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to see. You could take your
email off that account to protect yourself in

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the future, but in the meantime, get out there in the world and

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remind yourself how lovable you are.
Find people family and friends and co workers

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to laugh with, and take some
time to grieve. None of this is

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your fault, but you were triggered
by technology. Oh that would be awful

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if that happened, that would Oh
I'd be freaking out. Dear doctor Wendy

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Sr. We had an anonymous person
that actually got disconnected. So I just

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want to say, let you know
their question. Oh, sure, Tayla,

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what is it? Of course she
said that she was in a relationship

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with the gentleman and he had he's
used to the poly lifestyle and she is

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not, and he's pressuring her to
become more poly and she's not really one

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hundred percent interested. You know.
You know what I'm gonna say, Kayla,

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I do, I do, But
you go ahead and see it yourself.

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Polyamory benefits men a whole lot more
than a benefits women. Okay,

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yes, and every man. See
before we had quote unquote polyamory back when

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I was a young woman. You'd
go in a dates a few dates with

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a guy, and then he'd say
something like, do you ever have a

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girlfriend who want to join us?
Maybe? Could we do a three simp

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some days? Every guy's fantasy.
Okay, So now they call it.

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I'm polyamorous is what I am.
I live the poly life, okay,

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And I don't mean to put down
those who actually are and are doing it

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fine, and the women are happy
to have an extra boyfriend or girlfriend in

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there and all that. But for
the vast majority of us heterosexual people,

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women don't like polyamory. Men do. And it's perfectly okay to not be

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pressured into doing something you don't feel
comfortable with. And if your concern about

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losing him is greater than your sense
of self and respect and boundaries, then

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you need to go to therapy and
work on that. Because the truth is,

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let him go. If he's going
to pressure you, he should respect

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you, your body, what you're
interested in. Okay, social media,

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let me go it one more on
Instagram Dear doctor Wendy. I went out

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on a second date with a guy. He asked me to go on a

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third date, and I told the
date that I could go out. He

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texted back saying that's perfect. Then
I haven't heard anything from him since then

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and the date went by. Did
he ghost me? Yeah? Then she

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goes on to say, should I
send him a friend checking in or just

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let him go? It's been a
month and I think about him every day.

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I'm sorry you think about him every
day? He ghosted you. If

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you think about him at all,
it should be to hate him. That

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was rude. Okay, he set
up a date, it was a third

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date. He went another direction.
What can I say? You ever gone

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on a job interview and he get
invited back to the third interview and you

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think I've definitely got this job,
And then you get one of those form

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letters that says I'm sorry, we've
gone another direction. The position is now

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as full. That's all that happened
to you, Okay. Part of dating

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is dealing with these bomps, and
yes they hurt. I don't mean to

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make light of your pain. But
are you asking me if you should text

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00:21:00.200 --> 00:21:06.079
again? If some of my answers? No? Absolutely no? All right?

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Uh uh, we have to go
to a break darn. There's some

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00:21:10.960 --> 00:21:15.039
good ones on social media? All
right? Did you know that January is

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divorce month when most divorce filings take
place when we come back How to Avoid

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Divorce. You're listening to the Doctor
Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty

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with Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty

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on demand. Oh yeah, that's
what they say. I am six forty.

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You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls

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Show. Sadly, January is divorce
month. Uh huh. More filings take

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place than any other month of the
year. According to one study at the

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University of Washington's actually a window of
January through March which shows a thirty three

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percent increase in divorce filings. So
why well, let's think about it.

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Divorce doesn't happen because somebody wakes up
one morning and says, Hey, I

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think I'm going to call a lawyer
and I Am going to go file for

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divorce today in between my plates and
Trader Joe's. No, doesn't go like

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that. Divorce takes two to four
years to take place before a filing actually

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takes place. The relationship slowly erodes
generally, and I'm being general, men

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hide money, women get plastic surgery. Something happens. Right if you're in

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the dulg rooms of your marriage and
your wife suddenly is using your hard earned

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money to get her cheeks done and
her butt done and her boobs, there's

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something happening. M hm. And
she'd go to the gym all the time.

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That's the beginning of the divorce,
right, She's getting herself ready for

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the mating marketplace. And you you
called your brother and you said, hey,

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can I put some stocks and bonds
in your name? Sorry? That's

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what people do. I know.
I've been around a long time. I've

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00:23:00.200 --> 00:23:07.599
seen it happen, all right.
So what happens is the holidays come and

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people suck it up and hold it
together for the children, the family.

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Nobody wants to be the jerk who
files for divorce anywhere near the holidays.

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Can you imagine the day before Thanksgiving? Here, honey, divorce papers have

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fun with Thanksgiving and Christmas. Doesn't
happen that way. Happens in January.

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And Kayla, if you had to
guess which gender and heterosexual couples is most

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likely to file for divorce, who
do you think it is? Women?

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00:23:34.400 --> 00:23:37.319
Always? You didn't even think about
that. We get over it fast.

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Seventy percent the divorce filings are done
by women. That's high number. Here's

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why, Just like I said earlier
to that caller, polyamory benefits men more

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than women. Marriage also benefits men
more than women, because women often have

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a dual job, right, even
though we think we've evolved and changed.

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In many marriages, women's st'll do
the bulk of the domestic responsibilities, to

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00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:06.799
domestic duties, right, the childcare
whatever. So I remember one time I

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00:24:06.839 --> 00:24:10.400
was sitting. It was before I
had kids. No, I think I

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maybe I was a single mom.
No, I think if it's even before.

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And I was listening to women chat
and you know, and you all

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00:24:15.440 --> 00:24:18.200
lined up for your pedicure, and
you're all in those pedicure chairs and you

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00:24:18.200 --> 00:24:22.759
get to hear everybody's life story.
It's our version of the bar guys.

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And this woman was talking about how, you know, her husband left and

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she's her with the two kids.
And so I lean over with some words

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00:24:30.119 --> 00:24:33.039
of empathy, and I'm like,
oh, I'm so sorry, life must

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00:24:33.079 --> 00:24:34.920
be so hard for you now.
And she literally looked at me bewildered,

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00:24:34.920 --> 00:24:37.960
and she goes, are you kidding? I got rid of one baby?

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I only have two now like.
Oh okay, Also, women are emotionally

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00:24:45.400 --> 00:24:49.160
exhausted. Women tend to do the
bulk of the emotional work in relationships and

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00:24:49.200 --> 00:24:52.960
in families for everybody. And also, here's the big one. Women are

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00:24:52.960 --> 00:24:59.079
more economically able to not put up
with bad behavior. I mean, back

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00:24:59.079 --> 00:25:03.359
in the past, the nineteen forties, fifty sixty seventies, women needed men

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00:25:03.440 --> 00:25:07.640
for financial security, but not so
much anymore so if he's abusive, if

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00:25:07.640 --> 00:25:11.039
he's a cheater, she just moves
on, right. So that's why women

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are more likely to file for divorce. Okay, I want to say a

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couple things about how to have a
happy divorce. Well, there's no such

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00:25:17.559 --> 00:25:21.480
thing as a happy divorce. How
to have a divorce with few bumps in

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it? I cannot stress this enough. Put the children first. That means,

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00:25:27.799 --> 00:25:30.279
tell them over and over and over
how much both of you love them,

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00:25:30.640 --> 00:25:33.279
Tell them over and over and over, even if they're twenty five.

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Tell them that it's not their fault
because they always blame themselves in some way.

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00:25:38.279 --> 00:25:45.079
And most importantly, do not bad
mouth your ex, never in front

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00:25:45.079 --> 00:25:51.000
of the kids. Because guess what, your children, whether they be twelve

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00:25:51.119 --> 00:25:57.440
or twenty two, are fifty percent
genetically them. And if you say anything

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00:25:57.519 --> 00:26:03.400
bad about your ex, the kids
feel like you're insulting them. It hurts

355
00:26:03.440 --> 00:26:11.279
them, it hurts their self esteem. So stop blaming and criticizing. Also

356
00:26:11.000 --> 00:26:17.319
establish boundaries. That caller earlier,
Mike, he didn't have boundaries. Here

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00:26:17.440 --> 00:26:19.799
was this woman who was treating him
so badly, lying about him, and

358
00:26:19.799 --> 00:26:22.839
he's saying, well, I'll fall
for divorce. That no, no,

359
00:26:22.839 --> 00:26:26.680
no, no, file for divorce
done out. Okay, you're gonna tell

360
00:26:26.720 --> 00:26:30.079
lies about me. You keep your
own life over there. I'll have mine

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00:26:30.119 --> 00:26:34.519
here and I'll work on the kids'
mental health while I have them. If

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00:26:34.559 --> 00:26:38.720
you can try to keep lawyers out
as long as possible, I know there

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00:26:38.720 --> 00:26:42.039
are some good family attorneys out there, and many of them function as mediators

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to help people save money. All
good, but for the most part,

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00:26:45.960 --> 00:26:49.839
anybody I know who's gone down the
lawyer route, the only people who win

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00:26:51.519 --> 00:26:56.519
are the lawyers. You're think of
it. Look, when I first broke

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00:26:56.599 --> 00:26:57.960
up with my ex, we weren't
married, but you know, I ran

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00:26:57.960 --> 00:27:02.240
around trying to get child which I
never got. But I went to visit

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00:27:02.279 --> 00:27:04.759
all these attorneys and every one of
them. You know, we're talking about

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00:27:04.839 --> 00:27:10.480
West Side of LA. Wanted twenty
thousand dollars retainer, twenty thousand dollars to

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00:27:10.519 --> 00:27:12.480
say hello. And then they told
me you got a fifty to fifty ball

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00:27:12.720 --> 00:27:15.920
of maybe getting child support or not. And I'm thinking to myself, if

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I had twenty thousand dollars, I
would feed my kids. There's no way

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00:27:22.920 --> 00:27:26.400
this is gonna line of lawyer's pockets. So I just took my kids and

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00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:30.279
did my own thing and figured out
a way right, just survived. Sometimes

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00:27:30.279 --> 00:27:34.279
we lived in a small studio apartment
together, the three of us. By

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00:27:34.319 --> 00:27:40.240
the way, noise canceling headsets.
That is the trick anyway, Keep the

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00:27:40.319 --> 00:27:42.960
lawyers out as long as you can. But here's another thought. Let's say

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00:27:42.960 --> 00:27:47.720
you do get through it, and
it's you know, not so bumpy and

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00:27:47.759 --> 00:27:51.880
not so whatever. You know,
humans thrive on rituals. Have a closing

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00:27:51.920 --> 00:27:56.400
ceremony, don't. I don't mean
a divorce wedding, but something. Get

382
00:27:56.400 --> 00:27:59.759
together with your ex and light a
candle and say, we make great kids,

383
00:28:00.200 --> 00:28:03.559
Thank you so much for being there
with my I got married when I

384
00:28:03.640 --> 00:28:06.880
was twenty divorced by twenty three,
so we had a dance party. We

385
00:28:06.920 --> 00:28:11.319
were all still at college, do
something to signify that you have moved on.

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00:28:11.759 --> 00:28:15.559
Now, hopefully you're not going through
divorce, and hopefully you don't want

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00:28:15.599 --> 00:28:18.079
one to happen. When we come
back, let's talk about what the research

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00:28:18.200 --> 00:28:23.319
says about how you can avoid divorce
in your marriage. You're listening to The

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00:28:23.359 --> 00:28:27.480
Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM
six forty. Were live everywhere on the

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00:28:27.519 --> 00:28:34.039
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI
AM six forty on demand. Got a

391
00:28:34.160 --> 00:28:40.839
mate, Getwork, Got a Manute, Get work. Welcome back to the

392
00:28:40.839 --> 00:28:45.519
home stretch of The Doctor Wendywall Show
and KFI AM six forty. Nobody wants

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00:28:45.559 --> 00:28:49.599
to go through a divorce course.
Not I do want to remind people,

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00:28:49.599 --> 00:28:53.160
though, I want to pull you
off the guilt train if you've been divorced,

395
00:28:53.200 --> 00:28:59.240
if you're going through a divorce.
When until death Do Us Part was

396
00:28:59.279 --> 00:29:03.000
invented, death was pretty imminent,
right, People were dying of diseases,

397
00:29:03.240 --> 00:29:06.920
wars, all kinds of things.
And now, because of our very long

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00:29:06.960 --> 00:29:12.440
life expectancies, we can outgrow our
relationships. Even the most monogamous of humans

399
00:29:12.480 --> 00:29:17.519
may find themselves having two or three
long stints of monogamy. Right, So

400
00:29:17.759 --> 00:29:19.839
it's funny, I was in a
cab the other day at Uber and old

401
00:29:19.839 --> 00:29:23.799
guy Uber driver and uh, you
know, we're chatting because I'm a chatty

402
00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:27.599
person. And Ash, are you
married? He goes, I was.

403
00:29:29.440 --> 00:29:34.079
He said, I was married for
thirty years then I got unmarried. I

404
00:29:34.119 --> 00:29:38.559
love that he just got unmarried.
And funnily enough, he says his adult

405
00:29:38.599 --> 00:29:41.319
son lives with him now, and
he's like, he's a worse wife.

406
00:29:41.440 --> 00:29:48.720
I'm gonna unmarry him soon. He's
lazy. But you know what, you

407
00:29:48.799 --> 00:29:53.039
may go through divorce. And if
the relationship, if you learn something in

408
00:29:53.079 --> 00:29:57.559
that relationship and your partner learned something, then it is not a failed relationship.

409
00:29:57.960 --> 00:30:02.319
There was no such thing as a
a failed relationship. I just want

410
00:30:02.319 --> 00:30:06.920
to say that. However, if
you would like your relationship to last longer,

411
00:30:07.519 --> 00:30:10.000
then there are a few things you
can do, according to research.

412
00:30:10.440 --> 00:30:14.000
And here's a simple little laundry list. You get a pan out. I

413
00:30:14.039 --> 00:30:17.119
want you to write this down.
If you want your relationship to work out,

414
00:30:17.920 --> 00:30:22.079
communicate, especially about the stuff that's
hard to talk about. That's the

415
00:30:22.160 --> 00:30:26.519
most important stuff to talk about.
You can even start a conversation by saying

416
00:30:27.160 --> 00:30:30.640
it's really hard for me to talk
about this, So go gently on me,

417
00:30:30.720 --> 00:30:34.160
but I'm gonna try my best.
Right they preface it, set it

418
00:30:34.240 --> 00:30:41.119
up. Also, don't keep score
in your relationship. A relationship is not

419
00:30:41.240 --> 00:30:47.920
a competition. It's a partnership.
And when your partner succeeds and does great,

420
00:30:48.240 --> 00:30:52.440
you benefit too. You're a team, team, team, team.

421
00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:57.079
Here's another good one. Do not
bring up old stuff if that old stuff

422
00:30:57.079 --> 00:31:00.640
has been resolved. See if you
don't have good conflict resolution skills and it

423
00:31:00.680 --> 00:31:04.319
doesn't get resolved, then it's going
to keep coming up. But if you

424
00:31:04.640 --> 00:31:11.319
went through something, you figured out
what the compromise is, somebody said they're

425
00:31:11.359 --> 00:31:17.680
sorry, move on, don't bring
it up. It's over. Here's one

426
00:31:17.720 --> 00:31:21.200
of my favorites. It was years
before I learned this. When I was

427
00:31:21.200 --> 00:31:26.519
a young woman, I believed that
you could change somebody. I believed you

428
00:31:26.519 --> 00:31:29.839
could just tell them, give them
the information they needed so that they could

429
00:31:29.839 --> 00:31:34.839
become a better person. Here's what
I know. Now, stop trying to

430
00:31:34.880 --> 00:31:41.119
make somebody perfect. Learn to accept
your partner. The only person you can

431
00:31:41.200 --> 00:31:47.839
change is you and your reaction to
them. So you got a choice.

432
00:31:48.079 --> 00:31:53.759
You can stay or you can leave. But stop hoping you're going to sit

433
00:31:53.799 --> 00:32:00.960
there, always in agony, trying
to hope that they will change as marriages

434
00:32:01.039 --> 00:32:07.480
go on for years. I want
you to reassess your marriage needs because your

435
00:32:07.559 --> 00:32:10.960
needs are going to change at different
stages. The relationship will have a different

436
00:32:12.000 --> 00:32:16.400
purpose. Maybe the beginning of it
is about raising children. Later it's about

437
00:32:16.759 --> 00:32:21.960
traveling, or growing a business,
or growing a charity together, or dealing

438
00:32:22.000 --> 00:32:28.839
with ailing health. Your needs will
change. Now. There's so much research

439
00:32:28.920 --> 00:32:32.839
to support this next thing. Did
you know that the happiest couples who stay

440
00:32:32.839 --> 00:32:42.200
together the longest spend a lot of
time wallowing around in memories. They talk

441
00:32:42.240 --> 00:32:45.519
about the old days, They talk
about their first date, they talk about

442
00:32:45.559 --> 00:32:50.359
their first little hot weekend away.
They say, oh, remember that thing

443
00:32:50.640 --> 00:32:52.880
you know recently? Well, last
summer, Hulu and I went on a

444
00:32:52.880 --> 00:32:58.319
little vacation to go to somebody's wedding
in Tahiti. And although we did all

445
00:32:58.440 --> 00:33:01.599
kinds of things that would look good
tourist brochure, at one point we were

446
00:33:01.599 --> 00:33:06.319
on an out island with it's not
touristy at all, and the little pension

447
00:33:06.480 --> 00:33:10.119
operators lent us their bikes and we
went on a bike around this island and

448
00:33:10.519 --> 00:33:14.759
we get far enough away that we're
halfway around the island, no way to

449
00:33:14.799 --> 00:33:19.119
go back or forth. And the
heaviest monsoon it is so bad. I

450
00:33:19.119 --> 00:33:22.440
mean, it rains so hard that
we were even like under a palm tree

451
00:33:22.720 --> 00:33:27.799
and we were laughing. Okay,
we were so soaking wet. We had

452
00:33:27.839 --> 00:33:30.200
to put our cell phones in our
crotch. We were trying to keep them

453
00:33:30.240 --> 00:33:34.119
dry. It was the only dry
place we could find. And we laughed

454
00:33:34.160 --> 00:33:37.160
and laughed, and we still talk
about that, And I promise you we're

455
00:33:37.160 --> 00:33:40.359
going to talk about that day twenty
years from now because it was the funniest.

456
00:33:40.359 --> 00:33:45.079
We had nothing to do but just
laugh because we couldn't ride forward or

457
00:33:45.119 --> 00:33:47.079
backward, we couldn't get back on
time. We had no umbrellas, we

458
00:33:47.119 --> 00:33:51.920
had no raincoats, we were drenched
to the skin, and we just stood

459
00:33:52.000 --> 00:33:54.559
under a palm tree laughing for like
an hour. It was very funny.

460
00:33:54.920 --> 00:34:00.119
So go and revisit those memories.
It's good for your relationship. Also,

461
00:34:00.920 --> 00:34:07.200
add new stuff. Research shows that
the relationships are happiest are the ones that

462
00:34:07.319 --> 00:34:10.280
do different stuff together. Add novelty. If you're in a rut, because

463
00:34:10.320 --> 00:34:13.119
my mom used to say, you
know, in the summer when you're home

464
00:34:13.159 --> 00:34:15.440
and you're a kid, and you're
bored, and go I'm bored. I'm

465
00:34:15.519 --> 00:34:19.519
bored. My mom used to say, if you're bored, you're boring,

466
00:34:20.320 --> 00:34:25.360
right, So do something exciting.
Surprise your partner with tickets to something.

467
00:34:27.079 --> 00:34:32.559
Do something different with your partner.
Also on a regular On the regular,

468
00:34:32.760 --> 00:34:37.000
catch your partner being good. In
other words, instead of nagging them,

469
00:34:37.239 --> 00:34:43.199
instead of focusing on their negative qualities. I want you every single day to

470
00:34:43.280 --> 00:34:46.519
find that something good that your partner's
doing and say it out loud. Compliment

471
00:34:46.599 --> 00:34:52.559
them. This actually besides speaking to
the highest part of them, because if

472
00:34:52.559 --> 00:34:55.039
you reward that good behavior, guess
what they do more of that good behavior.

473
00:34:55.320 --> 00:35:00.480
But also it reminds your brain of
why you're there, reminds you that

474
00:35:00.559 --> 00:35:06.679
you appreciate your partner. Also,
have fun play with your partner. If

475
00:35:06.719 --> 00:35:12.079
your whole life right now is about
schedules and kids and bills and all these

476
00:35:12.119 --> 00:35:15.239
things you have to do together,
you're not going to be having any fun.

477
00:35:15.519 --> 00:35:19.480
Julio and I had so much fun
in the rain that day riding those

478
00:35:19.480 --> 00:35:22.880
bikes. We were just laughing.
We just had fun. Have fun with

479
00:35:22.920 --> 00:35:28.199
your partner. Oh, and have
more sex. Put your phones down,

480
00:35:29.159 --> 00:35:35.000
hold hands, Light some candles.
Remember you're in love with each other,

481
00:35:35.119 --> 00:35:38.360
your lovers, and also understand that
marriage isn't supposed to be happy all the

482
00:35:38.400 --> 00:35:44.039
time. Speak of which, before
I go, we did an interview over

483
00:35:44.079 --> 00:35:46.360
the holidays that aired Wen did air
last week. Kyla, it's it.

484
00:35:46.559 --> 00:35:51.760
Yeah, this amazing woman who is
the ultimate bad boy lover. So get

485
00:35:51.800 --> 00:35:55.000
this. Her first boyfriend was a
drug dealer who went like to jail forever.

486
00:35:55.320 --> 00:36:00.679
The second one was murdered by the
drug cartel. The third one ended

487
00:36:00.719 --> 00:36:07.280
up being a like el Chapo's right
hand man and ended up wearing a wire

488
00:36:07.320 --> 00:36:10.039
and turning him in. And she
wrote a book called Cartel Wives. And

489
00:36:10.119 --> 00:36:17.000
now she's going to prison herself tomorrow
or the next day. I don't yeah,

490
00:36:17.039 --> 00:36:20.519
one of these days this week.
This week's for sure this week.

491
00:36:20.639 --> 00:36:23.599
So if you want to listen to
that full interview, Kayla has put it

492
00:36:23.719 --> 00:36:28.719
up on my page on the KFI
website. She go to KFI AM six

493
00:36:28.880 --> 00:36:30.840
forty dot com and you search doctor
Wendy Walsh. Right, and what did

494
00:36:30.880 --> 00:36:37.199
you call it? I said,
when dating bad boys turns into surviving old

495
00:36:37.239 --> 00:36:42.440
Chappa or something. See if you're
a bad boy chaser, ladies, you

496
00:36:42.480 --> 00:36:45.519
should listen to this woman's story.
It's a cautionary tale. Actually, she

497
00:36:45.599 --> 00:36:50.039
was very open and honest and vulnerable, and she was very much in love.

498
00:36:50.039 --> 00:36:52.400
As she was doing the interview,
the couple, they kept touching each

499
00:36:52.440 --> 00:36:55.000
other and kissing and they hadn't in
the background. They loved each other so

500
00:36:55.119 --> 00:36:59.039
much, and she spent twelve years
in prison and she waited for him.

501
00:36:59.079 --> 00:37:00.599
She's such a good name interview.
They better listen. Yeah, it was

502
00:37:00.679 --> 00:37:05.880
so good. Have listen KFI AM
six forty dot com and then search doctor

503
00:37:05.880 --> 00:37:08.280
Wendy Welsh. Hey, I'm here
every Sunday from seven to nine pm.

504
00:37:08.360 --> 00:37:12.800
If you miss any part of the
show, just always download the iHeartRadio app

505
00:37:12.960 --> 00:37:15.599
and search doctor Wendy Walsh and you
can listen to it anytime during the week.

506
00:37:15.679 --> 00:37:17.159
Also, if you want to join
my Patreon group, we meet every

507
00:37:17.159 --> 00:37:20.920
Wednesday at six thirty. We talk
about everything on the planet. It's great

508
00:37:20.960 --> 00:37:23.920
fun. You go to Patreon dot
com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Otherwise,

509
00:37:24.119 --> 00:37:28.559
I'm here for you every Sunday.
You were listening to the Doctor Wendy Welsh

510
00:37:28.599 --> 00:37:34.559
Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six

511
00:37:34.679 --> 00:37:35.920
forty on demand