Major part as to the part worth as their do complo at all all assert
the sages June not us for those don't NECs always in jug into loosing guard.
All those in are the hearteas a Greek fantasy authors take on a statistic
games master will nice tis. Hi. I'm John Hartness, and I'll be
playing the role of Alphonse light Bringer, mighty morphine miniature motherfucker. In real
life, I write a bunch of different stuff, including the Quincy Harker Demon
Hunter series, the most recent volume of which number nine, entitled Lost,
is available for pre order now on Amazon and wherever else you buy books,
including the Falstaff Books Shopify store. So get out there and get that bad
boy ordered. Hi. I'm Joseph Brassey. I play the role of cal
hashwood Stoned Paladin, guard killer and Goblin Liberator. And I was an author
on the Mongolied books. My novels Skyfarer and Dragon Road have been re released
from Falstaff Books. You can find them on Amazon and the Falstaff Shopify.
Go get them now in hardcover, paperback and e book. And I am
the author of such non existent titles as Ogre Dix and You a Guide to
Things that are definitely larger than your torso salutationians you semi senti and sacks of
sailing. I am Metallicazam, the electrical ethical enforcer and clear fan of alliteration.
And in real life, I am Drew Hayes, author of book series
such as superpowereds Villains, Code Fred, the Vampire Accountant, and the five
Minute Shirt Loock series, the latest of which, The Case of the Felonius,
fares available in audio. As of now, they are audible original,
so the print bicle be coming later this year. Stand and Deliver here professional
folk hero and could this be my last standon duh? Of course, in
real life, I'm Steve Webrell, and I write books such as the Brandon
Fie Master Books. They're afraid of them. So if you've only read two,
uh, there's what you got? Ready another one? Hey everyone,
my name is Rick Qualteriion. I am the DM who no longer needs to
care whether this party lives or dies. Mind you, I never actually cared
to begin with, but let's pretend I did. Welcome to what is probably
certainly, if not I'm going to drop a fucking meteor on the world final
game of Salty bastards. When last we left off, our stalwart party was
in the middle of a fight with and gorged ogres as goblins were starting to
sacrifice townspeople as they fit, as as one does, yep, as one
does. And when we had left off, Johnson their their faithful servant from
the Hall of Flesh that had limped into town, but nobody seemed to care.
And Georgier had just finished a casting a sleet storm for some reason over
the majority of the battle. We know the reason, Ray, everybody knows
the reason. Also tell me he pronounced it skeet storm. I mean that
just feels it's a blizzard of white liquid. That's an opportunity missed. If
not, we're apparently Wait did this guy name their version of tweet after jes
Yes? Finally, all right, technology is finally co up with my demands.
Sorry, Rick, back to you. I just I had to get
clarity on that heat become a euphemism for jills. Where the that's been a
long time. My my buddy used to shoot skeet the competitive uh you know
event uh college exactly. That was pretty much the reaction he would get in
college. True, you'll confuse me now because I didn't think skeet was anything
else of it than a no. It's like these clay discs that they fire
out of a launcher and you shoot them with a gun with you yes,
yes, the bullet, you fire the bullet at the clay disc. I
think the clay disc might also be chizz. But you know, I never
got the details the sport of kings in countries where they don't allow you to
hunt foxes with dogs, guns and horses anymore. You have to take your
pleasure where you can find it. And you know that's what we did.
We're just waving our dicks that foxes over here, so we've got left no,
and here we are a masturbating on shotgun shells. Actually that probably is
a thing for a large portion of the American public, but anyway, I
wouldn't. But speaking of which, we're at the top of the round and
Stan, well you're standing in a pile of ski Ah, what a way
to star an adventure. And it's and and since George for I'm assuming it's
still vaguely concentrating, Okay, right, so one of these ogres is dead,
yep, lying in a pile of skate, and the evergre is alive,
probably, which is he wasn't. Okay, well, I was hiding
behind Cal. I think he's probably worked them down that I can I can
stop hiding and be suitably heroic. No, not really, because Cal finished.
Cal finished off one of them, but he hadn't actually started in on
the other one. That's so that one is fresh. Okay, Well,
I don't love that raising. No, yeah, it is what it is.
We have a theme. Now, we've established a feme. Look,
we haven't for years. We've established a theme. We established this theme the
minute Jorser the Sorcerer Wonder sprayed onto the sea. We've known a salty bastards.
Yeah, make some salty motherfuckers. I don't think I need to do
anything clever. Now we've we've spent about five minutes talking about cheers. I'm
just gonna stag stab this. Have we done the for records at cum Tuck?
All right? I could just do a simple action now, I don't
have to finesse this at all. Okay, right, Rabia time rolled and
eight. No, these ogres are pretty easy to hit, but I don't
think they're that easy. Not nay, Okay, Well, I waved my
sword vaguely, menacingly at the ogre, and then I take my bonus action
to disengage and used the rest of my movement to hide behind callikan. All
right, so, just so, just for the record, anybody who's in
the skeet, if you start your technically should have had to do it at
the beginning of your term. But I'll have you do it now. Let's
do it. Anybody who is in the the skeet storm, you have to
do a dexterity save DC fourteen. If you miss it, you fall fourteen.
All right, deck save saving pro Here we go, oh sixteen.
I'm gliding, crud is ski don't love that you were still on your feet.
Cal, it is your turn. First, give me a first,
give me a deck saved to see if with the net twenty I think,
I think, yeah, you don't have to worry about this storm you found
you can just glide on it. You just glide. Yeah, I don't
think the rain's supposed to be sticky. Cal is going to attack. Let's
see, do I have two attacks now? I think, yeah, yeah,
Cal's gonna attack the ogre twice, just gonna hack it in the deck.
That is a twenty three yep, and a fifteen both it alright,
let's yeah, there's that's thirteen damage and six damage. Just hacking on it.
Come on, all right, you take a sizeable chunk a one.
Yeah. Yeah, stop trying to break the town man. I mean,
I know we've done a lot of that too, but let's not focus on
that. Yeah, quick biting on style alphons you are up against. You
get another big dick to ogre a hut phrasing, phrasing, I'm underneath a
big Wait, no, that's not better. Yeah, so let's make an
unarmed strike and eleven eleven hits. Alrighty for four. Yeah, these guys
are big, but let's just say there their fleshy membrane provides a little uh
little protection. Not even hating him, just slapping that bellet. I'm just
not going to think about anything you just said and spend a key point for
flurry of blows and yeah, I said what I said. So that'll be
two more unarmed for a thirteen under seventeen okay for five and four. All
right, he's looking uh, he's not looking too hot. Well I could
have told you that, uh you meant like it? Okay, whatever,
Yeah, all right, that's it. I hit him. I'm done.
I'm not gonna run away from this big dick swinging asshole. All right,
Metallica is aam give me a deck save certainly four? No, all right,
you fall on your metallica ass Metallica. No, that brings up a
good question. How high up are these are the roofs of like this building?
Well, i'd say about fifteen feet perfection. I don't have to be
standing to misty step, so I'm gonna misty step. Hell yeah, all
right, Well his choice roll lying in this skeet stained gut up. But
some of us are looking to discuss, so we're okay. So you're out
of the the skeet storm. Yes, that was part of why I was
teleporting. Uh yeah, So I will use my bonus for that. I
will burn some movement to stand up, and I have already popped a spell
this round, so I will throw a crossbow bolt in just for funzies.
At Oh is the guy who has two healths. He's alive or dead.
He's got an X on him, but he's still showing health. So I'm
just witch Which guy the second ogre next to col No, No, he's
he's dead. Okay, cool, then I will pop a crossbow bolt at
this gentleman the ten that missus. All right, that's that's fair. My
sword actually Metallica XAM will also go ahead and take this opportunity to use a
little bit more of that movement, just all right. And my sword,
oh you know what, I actually burned my bonus on that one, so
I can sustain it, but I can't use it this round, all right,
all right, so let me adjust my counter and that's my turn.
All right, it's the goblins, so let's hear deck save zipper falls.
Let's see the zipper falls. God, I'm almost ashamed of myself that I
said that only one of his only one of his goblins stay on their feet,
which uh, one of the ones back here who's dragging an old lady
towards the brazier. He's like, on your feet, man, let us
let us melt these humans. There are no winners in this game. Even
though most of the fires in town were burnt out, the braziers going up
is a bit hotter. There's just like, I feel morally confused. So
they're mostly just struggling this round just to keep their footing, you know,
they're trying to get this this human into the brazier, but they keep their
feet keeps slipping out from beneath them. Is jocerah in at least saved a
life, all right? The ogres turns. I mean he's made that life
much worse, but he may have saved it. This ogre goes up to
this, to this townsperson who you inadvertently called an ogre last time. So
while he's still sitting there weeping, Oh no, the ogre bludgeons him to
death with his dick. What is going well? All right, Alpha?
I mean we're alive, so by our standards, Yeah, this day couldn't
get much worse. My feelings got hurt and now and now I got to
go stand before my God and explain I got beaten to death with a giant
over dick. I get a run away, but I was too busy crying
because a robot insulted me. Alfons, this is a sixteen hit you it
do? All right? We take fifteen points of meat club damage. That
has dicked me right to death? All right? Alphonse is knocked out.
Oh yeah, that's that's a ways off. Well. Well, actually the
question is going is when we get to you is going to be when or
not you even noticed it. And it's kind of behind a house here,
and there's a blizzard between you and him. Yeah, that's that's fair.
I don't know that it's really gonna matter, but what we can just roll
for the fun of it, all right, and this one, let's see
here they've got ranged healing spells. But goddamn man. Yeah, Alphunds was
just having his own little party on the other side of town. Yeah,
cal, there's a twenty hit you. Oh yeah, for sixteen points of
meat damage. Yaousa? All right? I think the last remaining guards fled,
so I think they're gone. Juicy jeorieer, it is your turn.
Jeoriser just picks a random direction and wanders off. And we'll say this,
this skeet storm dissipates because he forgets to concentrate. He's off here harassing this
this this town. Woman. Oh god, is this a wand in my
pocket or an erection? Seems fairly in character. Yeah, meantime, you're
faithful, uh, your faithful flesh Gollum from the Hall of Flesh. Johnson
has limped into town. He's like, like, masters, where are you
guys, I'm fighting an ogred dick right now, and Stan, we're back
to you. Well, is this importance please, golm, We're very busy.
I'm hiding behind cow. Well, first, give me a perception check,
Stan, Okay, perception check coming out coablamo eighteen eighteen. That's quite
good. Right before Johnson, right before the sleet storm dissipated, you could
have sworn you heard, you know, a meaty thud, then followed by
like, you know, like alphons being like ooh, somewhere to your south.
My ears on what they used to be. But that sounded an awful
lot like a known being here with an ogre. Penis a friend is in
trouble? Ah crap, all right, friend is a strong word. My
useless bodyguard is in trouble. It's only fair that I'm useless as a bodyguard.
You have a useless body all right, stand now, Okay, Well,
we're still picking a fight with his ogre. It's still very much the
immediate for it. Actually, no, I mean do I can I tell
what kind of shape cala is in with my awesome perception check kind of ship,
Allison, he's standing right next to you. I got six left,
so he looks like he's he can handle things. Well, I go,
hell, swey, sure, technically, don't forget if you if you leave,
you're you're currently in threat range. Hmmm, I might have to risk
that because I need my bonus action to revive our phones. Let's see if
I can even get close to our phones. I mean, are you going
to make it to him in one turn? Or is it a two turn
endeavor? It's probably a two turn endeavor, even if I use dash sixty
feet on the move. Smart. I guess if I can get down to
where those goblins are, I mean, if you kill the ogre right in
front of you, you can just go around behind everything And yeah, you're
right, One problem at a time. Okay, again, let's see if
we can at the very least attract this thing's attention a bit divvy out the
damage. It's only fair. We're like a cooperative. And that's a seventeen
that hits four eleven damage in total? Do you have when we want to
tack? I think I can use my bonus for an offhand attack of a
dagger if I had one, But currently my sword is cursed and I can't
use my dagger so I guess I can use my bonus action to use my
offhand to flip him off. Well, you took a decent chunk out of
nevertheless, all right is it? Yeah? I'm gonna I'm not going to
disengage in hide behind call again. That seems a doesn't seem like I'm being
particularly like fair. Oh all right, cal all right, let's see here.
Let me just take a look at the map really quick. How many
ogres do we have left? There are three ocres left, counting the one
that we're fighting. All right, cool, I'm gonna attack twice again.
See how this goes twenty five and twenty one. Okay, how's the ogre
looking like? How messed up? Ah? He's not on his last legs,
but he is u he is looking pretty hard. All right, I'm
gonna drop that's twelve slashing and ten slashing, and then I am going to
drop a divine smite, one of the two I have left. Let's try
put that in right then, that's seven radiant. That is just enough?
Oh hell yeah? Okay, it looks like he's gonna survive. But then
then suddenly he like burst into like the fine flame and falls over. Ah,
deck is no longer threatening me. Yes, softened him up for your
dad, buddy, Thank you. I'm covered in stuff I don't want to
be covered in. Try not to think about it. I'm trying to so
anything else. Yeah, actually, hold on a second. Can I am
I able to percept? I guess perception in between me, so I'm not
sure if it was anyway from me. I mean technically this we can.
I mean Stan did say did say something? So okay? So yeah,
so I'll just head I'll start heading towards our alphonses. I guess if I
go, I'm just trying to forget what the best root is to take.
Yeh, well, I can only get thirty feet because I used my attack,
So I go that way, go around behind, all right, and
I think I don't know if I have any bonus actions available. Let me
just really quickly look. Uh yeah, I think that's I think that's it.
All right, cool, that's my turn, alright, Elphonse, Det's
see mm not twenty ooh, alright, you stabilize thing not gonna die,
bitch is the Grim Reaper appears. Alphas just punched him into Dick. The
Grim Reaper showed up, and I'm like dude, fuck aw, and he
did Metallica is am alrighty. So first let's knock out that perception. So
I know, oh, I guess, I just know because he said something.
Yeah yeah, all right, Well, then I suppose I will be
considerate. How tall are ogres? About nine feet, I'd say, okay,
Then centering the blast higher up in the air than rather at ground level,
let's say, so that it doesn't get higher than five feet off the
ground. I am going to let's say, Loah's two feet. Given the
fact that I'm fucking prone, Metallicazam is getting a little bit fed up with
this bullshit, So it's time for the sorcerer's farewell. I'm fireballowing these motherfuckers,
and I'm damn it bit my lip. I am centering it right here
so that you know, I guess the measuring tools easier, so that you
know, bam, bam, it's got the twenty I can hit them both
all right, up up up, bah twenty eight fire damage. All right.
Let's see if they do their dick shapes. Say one, nope,
missus deck saved two. Also missus damage, all right. The one who
was globbing alphons burst a flame. The one who wasn't clubbing alphons takes a
oh come on, bro, twenty fucking give me takes a ship ton of
damage nights and with my bonus action, uh, my sword will fly forward,
uh and uh thrust itself into this goblin right here. All right,
just kill everyone. We are killing the goblins, We are killing the gods
that we say. Well, they started dragging humans toward a brazier. So
at this point metallica dam is just kind of fucking dune. All right,
you dies, You're like the school teacher in a room full of kind gardeners
is just finally snapped. All right, this goblin dies as oldly. It
looks up. She looks up, and it's like thank you ever. Oh
no, fuck you guys, you're the cause of all this. I don't
know if they associate the sword with me or not, but for the record,
we had nothing to do with the ogres showing up. We fed everything
else up. I think one look into mctallica's ham's cold, merciless gaze.
We'll give them some clues just coming from all right, goblin's turn, Now
that's no longer the brazier zipper and this guy, this counts person getting to
the brazier and the town pert. Oh please, I have children, and
they can increase their hussholes. It's what's left that they shove them into the
brazier face first. What a horrible town we happen to. Everyone's dying.
I mean, honestly, I haven't heard a compelling case that we shouldn't be
killing everyone. Yeah, and everybody is dying, but everybody also deserves to
die. Somehow. We are not the worst people in the vicinity, and
we tried to be We really did try to be. Sorry. I see
here, there's one that's okay. There's one ogre left, and he just
wanders over and starts gobbling up a rod root. You bind man what he
loves? Yeah, George, you were distracted the last round, so you
lost your concentration on sleet storm as you're busy harassing a townswoman. But apparently
you're no longer distracted. We didn't know that he was harassing. He might
have, He might have some good chat on him. I've got a piece
of broccoli stuck in my teeth. Would you care to lick it out?
She turned around and she was ugly. Oh, scratch my last remark from
the record. All right, your turn, Oh oh cool, all right,
okay, I do see an ogre all the ways ahead of me.
Well by ahead, I mean south, And he looks like he's near an
exploding catapult? Is that? Do you see what I'm talking about? The
catapult of burning I would like to fire a burning discharge at him with a
fire bolt. Okay, there's a twenty five hit, very much so.
A twenty five hits pretty much everything. Huh through those twelve points of damage.
All right, guys, not looking great. I'll teach him for peacefully
munching. And I feel far enough away. I'm just gonna stay where I
am and hang out with that ugly woman. If you've got a restraining order,
I've got some rope. All right now, Johnson limps over to you,
Stan Master, Please you must return, return to the hall of flesh.
It's weird where you when you call me that, you can just call
me step. Also, it's weird. What do you call it the wold
of flesh? You can just call it the dick shaped building? Please?
Is that better? I it's the better. It's the lesser of two evils
with it? Man, what's the problem The dickship building, Stan, thank
you. It is under attack? Oh? I just barely escaped with my
flesh. Oh no, we're we're a little bit busy. Is it under
attack of anything more threatening than whatever the ship is going on? Here?
Entire army? H oh this army? Did they look like they know who
I am or what my name is? Or before the attack? They did
say give up your masters. See this is why I like you to call
me stah. Okay, they said give up your stands. Okay, Oh
right, well that's worse. Well give up your stand you're only one?
Yeah, then, well give up your stand and your masters. That that
is the dan I happened to be concerned about at this time. Okay,
team, sounds like this massacre might be the best case scenario. Did anybody
leave stuff at the Hall of Flesh? Any reason to go back? Going
once, going twice? We're not going back. An. It was a
nice telescope, that's true. There was there was. There was a giant
creature screaming for all, screaming all of your names. Disturb a lot of
telicas? Did this part of the world disturbingly high pitched voice, A disturbingly
high pitched voice. You say, okay, this is and now are they
happy with the dick shape building? They can have it. I don't want
it. Honestly, I'm more comfortable if we're not owners of that building.
Yes, that's fine. If they want to live in the penis, they
can do. Run along and tell them you're welcome, goodbye, you are
they are the masters. Now they have found themselves. I'm pretty sure they're
not going to stop at the building. They don't want the building they were
looking for all of you. Oh chance, well, being a chat,
go back and tell them we went the other way. Is that truly your
command, master, knowing that you will be sending me to my death?
Hmm, let me think about it. Consensus, metallic azam, what's Europe?
My opinion is we simply flee and leave no clues whatsoever. Okay,
Well, that is more direct and doesn't have I suppose sacrifice this poor fletching
being's life. Okay, Fleshy, looks like you're with us. We're running
the funk away. But I am beholden to the master of the hall.
Okay, well call me Stan. And it looks like the Master of the
Hall is now a rampaging army. So you know, maybe go make him
a cup of coffee or something that logic, should I arrest you and drink
you back? Hm? This might not be something you want to overthink.
You see the piles of corpses surrounding us. Honestly, we weren't even trying
for this one. Yeah, this disc of very out ahead, very quickly.
I'd love to tell you I'm control of this situation, my friend,
but I am not. Johnson. You are welcome to run with us as
masters of the hall. You are welcome to serve the army, but you're
gonna have to pick one of those. What about the other servants, Masters
and Stan They are welcome to do as they please. They are free gentlemen,
not beholden to us. And uh, I guess suppose I never really
dug this whole master of the whole of flesh thing. It sounds rab sexual.
I mean, you say it like they're automatically going to kill all the
servants. We didn't. We kill the last people, and we didn't kill
all the servants, did we? Ah? No, it made no sense
to kill the servants exactly. See, it makes no sense to kill all
the servants, So why would that everybody eats. Good servants, you're not
dead. You're doing fine. Wagging my thread? You have it ever armed?
Well, that seems like a pre existing condition. You're a fucking glum.
Just add more thread. Okay, so stand at your turn? What
say you remaining alive? People, all seven of you? Do we retake
the cock building? Or do we not do that? Please? I am
in favor of fleeing from the army that wants us dead. I need to
sit on a rock and think about some ship. How about you just sit
on a cart and think about some shit. Can you sit on a rock
while moving very quickly? Because that, yes, I know. I mean
when we get somewhere, What is a horse but a rock with legs and
a mane and lungs and a circulatory system and hair. Now is exactly that.
Now, it's exactly the right time for poetry, metallic poetry, philosophy.
These are all fine things as long as we're fucking moving. I'm just
gonna go heal metallic exam No, I mean alfon, sorry, I gotta
go. I will run a lot faster if I am alive. All right,
cal if you want to, yes, if you want to, If
you want to go cal, Yes, I'm gonna yeah, I'm gonna go
to Metallic. I'm gonna go to uh we are way are we out of
combat now? I mean there's still an ogre a lot built one over down
here. I mean he's busy gorging himself on this plant for alpha hold on
a second move that far. Yeah, I'm gonna have to run past them
unless I go. Unless I go through it, I'll see if he attacks
me. I guess give me an intelligence check, cal eh. I kind
of feel like intelligence checks are one of those things that everyone in this party
should always just roll with disadvantage m yeah, and wisdom checks and morality checks.
I tried to roll it, but I did not want to. Here
we go sixteen. All right, you are reasonably certain that that that this
ogre is pretty uh pretty well busy, Okay, and go get my friend
burn the next thirty feet because I'm doing a double move. Get to a
bad here. I should be able to get to Alphons on my next turn.
And look, I said, the ogre is like it's close to you,
but at the moment he's just literally just showing down on this on this
route, ensuring that that is chemically induced we know. Yeah, get your
boner, buddy, all right, Alphons, you are stable, metallic exam
you're still up on the roof. I am, I am, And you
know it's just such a lovely vantage point from which to do things like fire
bolt the uh the ogre actually, and you know he's injured because I injured
him. Why don't you, why don't you give me an intelligence check first?
Sure thing nine? It sounds like a great idea. All right.
I don't know why we wouldn't be finishing off the ogre, but I'm presuming
it's going to be a poor choice. But yeah, he's out of range
for Told the Dead, so I'm gonna go ahead and stick with my firebolts
twenty four that hits for eighteen damage that really fucks him up, just blasts
him in the back of the head. Hey, hey, you stop ignoring
my friend, and uh, go ahead and just have that sword slide on
over to slice at the h this goblin who's holding another person hostage. Yeah,
sixteen, it's seven force damage and enough to take him down. Leave
all right, So after doing that, metel because the amble look at stand
so uh, horses or I'm gonna finish off this ogre and then we're going
right. Please, Musters, you can come, Johnson, you can come
with us. There are horses. You are plenty welcome. All right,
this is going great. Having seen most of his h Zipper like looks and
sees like yet another of his companions fall and he's like, just down as
haunted, let us flee. We will come back in force. I certainly
got plenty of ghosts. Now Zipper's gonna make me waste a turn killing him.
These guys are running and yes, the ogre, it was completely engrossed
with eating this thing in Suddenly, like a fireball hits the back of its
head and it looks up, sees cow next to him. Ah fuck,
and it does a sideways swing of its dickatch at you. Yay, twenty
three in that head. We're fifteen damage left. He slams you into the
building. Oh you gotta stay on your toes. Cow, Georgia. The
one time he doesn't butcher something, But now he has to learn that lesson,
doesn't he? Hello, Georger goes back to harassing the ugly woman.
Are you a jar of delicious golden honey? Because I'd like to put my
dick in you. He's consistent, as Johnson continued trying to plead, but
it is, it's messed. It's your home, it's Master Joyserer's ancestral home.
You must try to save it. I mean, maybe maybe I make
that argument to Jorcerer, then perhaps I think he'd be receptive general reasons of
tiny joysperers plead, hide, hide in the bucket. It is I who
shall finish off this ogre, all right, haven't been overhearing some conversation.
And yeah, this ugly woman next to me, take a look around the
town. I think at least she's alive, So I'm gonna try to address
her with some philosophy. All right, Metallica exam said, a horse is
not but a rock with legs and mane and hair and circulatory system. But
does it not also have a dick? My home is the Hall of Flesh,
and that is also a dick. They have baited the masters. Now
I shall master the bait. All right, I would like to cast a
maje hand. The ogre is erect, yes, wit Rick, Before we
do that, can bevn roll some sort of charisma check. Just just see
how turned on this villager is right, Because I know why sure, why
not? All right? Chars me two things, Roll me a perception check
and will me a charismas eve if I can find it? Roll what perception?
All right? George rolls of fifteen for perception. Alright. So so
you hear your faithful uh gollumn servant Johnson screaming your name, Master Joyce Worth.
Please we need you and now do it cost charisma coming up? Also
a fifteen as the woman's like, yeah, but I need you more.
Wow, Well, well prepare. We're prepared to be impressed. Sweet talk
to me talking to me with that spit a leaden tongue. Man, the
Rick Bob shippers have been waiting years for this. Watch this, milady.
All right, I would like to maje hand job the ogre I was gonna
have mm hmm yeah, especially because Col's in the line of fire. There's
one thing we know about his dick. It's that it's near you. From
the end of the last round. It's gotta heal, Alphunds then I can
die. Shall I roll something for that? Or correct? You know something?
Thank you? Yeah? Give give me a dexterity check. D okay
eighty eighteen, So sorry, Joe yeah, cal You're you're pinned against the
side of this building. Oh god, And you don't think it can get
any worse, but then it gets much worse. Just think I'm saving your
life? Are you as as you? Suddenly wonder when when did some When
did somebody cast skeet storm? Again? I hope this is the finale everyone
was waiting for. Cow getting fire hosed with ogre against the side of the
The fact that it gets the side of the wall means that there's absolutely that
vaudeville comedy moment where he takes a step and there's just a cow out ride
in the side of the wall. No, no, no spray. This
is this, this is this is this is an ogre sized pick. So
I'm taking damage. Oh my god, forges damage. All right, Cow's
down. Hit you like a fire hose. I'm down. What a way
to goo? He died as he lived, not truly comprehensiing world. He
died as he lived, gratefully. That's true. Stan, it's your turn.
I have no idea what I'm supposed to do at this point. I
didn't see any of that massifully right, Well, you were aware that stuff
was going down on down there, I'll say, give me perception check.
Cal definitely screamed, Yes, this is a time to cherish one's ignorance.
But oh god, you you hear Cal scream and it fades away into a
gargle. Again. In all of my experience, I know exactly what that
sounds. It's like, and I don't like that one bit. Okay,
Fleshy, how much time do we have for the army gets here? Don't
they know where we are? Did they track you? You use this piece
of shit? Did they track you? Kind of ran? I really wasn't
paying attention. Well, I suppose you are missing half your arm and also
healsters. You seem to be made out of ham or something, so I
don't know. But realistically, Fleshy, let's engage your hand, bree.
How long do you think we have before this angry army turns out? Well?
I mean, normally I would say probably a long time, but I
mean since like parts of the town are still burning, they probably can see
the fires, you know what. That's very astute, well done, Fleshy,
and also, holy shit, Metallica is am? I think we need
to gather up our friends and in the hell away. Yeah, it sounds
like cal needs some help. It's not quite the ending i'd envisions. If
this over still has any juice in them, we might be able to put
out the fires. You grab some horses, I'll grab col Okay, we
have a plan and we're working together for the first time in this fucking podcast.
Let's go run down and meet us after I've healed them. And that's
what I'll do. I will round up the horses. I will shout out
to chaucer Jacerah, it's time to run the fuck away. I may have
a life here, you may, but it will be very short. I'm
gonna wait on this girl's reaction, all right, Metallica amateur turn. Okay,
so I will just use a misty step to teleport over to here,
and then I will use actual movements to get to here. And that is
close enough, all right? Perfect? That lets me get done when I
need to get done for next round. But I will since I've already burned
a spell. All wait, can you use cantrips? Half fuck? I
don't remember? Okay, I will do crossbow twelve all right? And he
had one hit point left. Metallica Zam just comes to it and pulls out
shoots him in the eye. That's my palette, and you're fucking with well
I think I fucked as in past tense. Al right, you are technically
out of battle unless you're going after the mean are yes, I was intending
to, But no, I'm going to heal healing word cow at my first
opportunity. All right, well, the battle appears to be over for now.
What do you guys do? There's uh three of you awake? What
are you doing? What's the ugly girl? Think about what I did with
the yogre. We'll mean another Christmas Jack Wells the sweet talk though, but
that was the hell of a finishing movie. Fifteen fifteenth tonight. Oddly enough,
youruck you you struck one of her kinks that she didn't even realize she
had. Oh my oddly specific one. Yeah, I'll be using my turn
to round up some horses and take them down to where everyone is. Right
after healing cal, I'll be running down to meet up with the others.
I'll I'll be using my turn to clot Can I clot as a bonus action?
Or is clotting a full action? I mean, once he heals you,
you can do whatever you want. Joe sah, round up your your
new wife and let's go all right. Once I come into view of of
Alphons and see that he is not not up, I will throw a I
guess there's no reason not to give you the better one. I'll throw a
cure wounds on you. Five thanks, bud Well, don't expect anymore of
that today. Alphons, you are awake, you're not feeling too hot,
although you're feeling a much much, much much better than Cal. Isn't like
this. Let's get out of here. Cal. You're pretty certain that that
there is not enough baths in the world that will ever get you clean again.
I will share a horse with Cal as I am. I find everything
about you flushling's disgusting. It doesn't really change one fluid to another. Thanks,
So, did any of our small pasters take presta digitation because I'm feeling
I'm feeling like that would be really useful right now. But tell Kazanna's taking
prestatage and get this horse on the fucking road. There's an army behind us.
There's a what a what? I never thought I'd say this, but
we have bigger problems than being beaten to death with oga peits big for yourself,
old man. Apparently there's an army that wants to take the Hall of
Flesh, and we are giving it to them. Yeah, I mean,
would feel free to stay and fight for it if you want. I didn't
want the fucking place in the first place, honestly, same. All right,
who's who's fleeing and who's staying? Well, I'm gonna ask ask.
This girl said, uh, well, I guess your families did. Would
you care to mount a horse with me? Jesus Christ be another Charistmas check.
That is like the least creepy thing I think gorcerers ever said eleven,
you know something? You got two really good ones? Oddly enough? Yeah,
she she that's that's it's not really a kink of her. But it's
not not a kink of hers. Oh god, he's finally found his Josephs.
It's not getting any better than that gets. The ogre is not the
only one about a happy ending. I think we found a twistedly happy way
to end the You're riding off into the sunset, all right? Well,
the group The group mounts on their horses, gets on their horses as the
town continues to burn. As people weep and mourn. As Johnson screams at
you, it's like, why, masters, why as you bring one of
the very clear about why as you bring one of the townswomen with you as
sort of a Stockholm syndrome, Stan will shout back, normally i'd ask you
all to remember my name in this case, please don't goodbye? And as
you ride off, As you ride off into the sunset, everybody give me
a perception check. All right, six h ten, very much focused on
being away from the town. Well, what's looking back going to do us?
All right? Well, Alphonse is the only one to hears a very
distant voice scream out in a very familiar tone, as you, as you
ride away, your fucking sons and pitches, I will fuckingly hunt you down
to the end of the goddes. Hey, guys, that little froggy motherfucker
that I thought we killed a long time ago, he's back and he's pisty.
He's pissed about something. Oh well, he'll probably die again. As
for what, uh, what fate meets our meets our group From this moment
on, all I will say is that is a that is a story for
another d M. So join us in a few short weeks for the first
episode of Dicey Bastards. Wooo. That was Rake's very polite way of saying,
fuck you guys. I'm at all right. I hope, I hope
everybody listening enjoyed, uh, enjoyed. The finale of Salty Bastards. Didn't
quite end the way I expected to, But at the same time, it's
sort of did wait, did you think we're going to fight an army for
a duck building? That was satisfying. I mean, we did pick some
very peculiar hills to die on in this campaign, literally pick themed peculiar hill
to die picked the strange building to die on. Yeah, that's gotta be
the most horrible and original deft to befel any of us, you know,
a long and horrible career so far. Yeah, congratulations, cal that is
a that that's a critical hit to remember. Yeah. Yeah, that's uh,
that's gonna live forever. Mm hmm. Well that's a present for all
the fan art community. M M. I gotta admit we finished this a
lot more alive than a foot We were going to be so well done everyone.
Yeah, I'm not gonna find a word dishes girl. Georcer is having
the end of the graduate moment as we ride off on the horse. Wait
a second, We're going to a different place. There'll be a live women
there. And on that note, thank you for tuning into the adventures of
the Salty Bastards. We'll see you again in a couple of weeks with the
premiere of Dicey Bastards, and until then, Bye bye Bye. Authors and
Dragons is brought to under Creative Commons License, meaning you are free to share
this material so long as credit is given to those who created it, which
is us, the people you just heard played the game opening and closing themes
performed by the Gore Core four. Is this a wand in my pocket or an erection