Very good afternoon to all of you welcome to Chayo with you waiting for everything
to flow in the best possible way. What do I tell my 12-
year- old daughter that she had the confidence to tell me, that they
have a boyfriend in high school, but that today she approached me to tell
me, that she cut it by chat. I don' t want to
tell her anything that makes me lose confidence, nor do I want to downplay
something that is important to her right now. Look, don' t be
afraid that I' ll lose your confidence, because he already had it to
tell you so much that he had it like they finished it. I think
that when something like this happens, rather than having the words wise, sometimes
what we just need is to become good listeners. How she feels, what
she thinks, what she needs from you what she would like you to do
for her. Sometimes all we need to do is keep quiet and embrace them,
be loving, make a presence, be with them at a time like
that. Sometimes, questions that are asked like why, Mom, but why
he did, but what he might have done to him, but what happened,
are answers that we don' t have and simple and we just have
to be, be there and tell him that he' s going to be
okay and love them very much. And that being there sometimes is more than
enough, as long as there are uncomfortable questions in education that was part of
what we were talking about yesterday, certainly nothing else. We have to answer
them, not necessarily immediately, but we will have to respond. And here
comes a very clear clause. You have to answer with the truth. The
truth can be hard, it can be uncomfortable, it can be painful,
but without a doubt, that truth is going to be the less complicated part
of facing reality than the one that will detonate if you respond with lies,
because lies will never come alone. They' re always going to bring more
lies, because they' re going to trigger new questions. And the new
questions will have to be answered with more lies. That' s right,
he always answers with the truth. It hurts, but leaves no room for
doubt. When you apologize, when you offer an apology for something you didn
' t do properly, don' t justify yourself. Learn to differentiate the
moment of apology with the moment of explanation. Give a space, because when
we apologize the person who is hurt for what we did requires a time for
her, for him and you need to feel that it is the center of
that moment of recognition. In the face of the fault we committed. If
you immediately begin to explain, it is that you notice that what happens to
me, is that I felt this way and, therefore, I did turné
and then you end up putting yourself at the center of the circumstance and you
start some way to demand that the other person understand what was the situation in
which you were and take that place away from the injured person. There will
be time for you to explain and for the person to ask you the questions
necessary to understand the reason for your behavior. But, in addition to hurting
that person, don' t take away the healing time because of the recognition
you' re making, that it deserves a space of recognition, being at
the center of offering the apology you' re giving him. I' m
a stable for a 13- year- old boy. I have custody of
him because his mom went to America and I stayed in charge of him.
A few days ago we had in a little berth of him. He used
his tablet to do homework. I told him that if he had already finished
the task, he told me that he didn' t get aggressive, so
that I hit him for asking for the tablet. I took it and he
wanted to hit me I stopped. I didn' t react badly. I
think, on the contrary, I tried to reassure him. I don'
t know if it has anything to do with the issue of bad habits,
this theme of screen management is always a delicate topic. Yeah, maybe it
' s a bad habit thing. It can also be a complex theme here
on two different lines. One, the management of screens, the management of
adolescence, the rebellions typical of age. It strikes me as you tell me.
I asked him if he had finished his homework. He said no.
However, you tried to remove the tablet anyway. I don' t know
if it' s because you realized I was cheating on you, that I
was answering one thing when it wasn' t really true. And then the
invasive approach to wanting him to remove the tablet made him respond in a much
more impulsive way to teenagers. In particular, we must try to avoid this
invasive way of wanting to intervene normally with a child. If we get close
and say you give it to me with a teenager, what we have to
do, that is, see. I think you' ve been through enough
of your homework. You have to stop this. It' s time for
you to stop what you' re doing with the tablet and change your activity.
So, if you don' t let her, there' s going
to be a consequence. And then, when they had already taken a bath,
they went to sleep and so on, and we know that we were
fooled. Then we confiscated the tablet, but not taking it out of hand,
but because they already put it aside. And when they look for it,
we tell them the tablet is grounded because you don' t know how
to handle things properly. I' ll give them back to you. This
is not allowed. There are consequences to not be so directly invasive with them
and we set the rules of the house. Now here' s a second
complex situation with a guy this age and he' s not a dad here.
I don' t know how long you have living with him and a
mom who left and then there' s a double drop- out in this
kid' s life that, besides everything, is getting into the teen process.
I don' t know how you' ve been in relationship with him
and how he accepted this circumstance from the beginning and how much he' s
been talking to him about this, how far he imposed without further explanation that
you were going to keep custody of what the mother was leaving and whether she
had a voice and a vote on this. But it' s not an
easy situation for a boy. A circumstance of this nature and how good this
you communicate with him. I think it' s very commendable what you'
re doing when you take over, but we can' t forget that he
' s a teenage boy living in a complex situation and I think you have
to generate a little empathy in this by talking to him and letting him know
that it' s not easy what he' s living, that he'
s entangled in his circumstance and that you' re trying to do the best
you can in this situation and that they need to come to certain agreements.
So try looking around for a way to reconcile, to empathize with him,
but also to make it clear that they' re going to need to make
deals and that you have responsibilities in this, that you have to narrow it
down clearly because you have to give your mom results. How you feel when
you say not uncomfortable, uncomfortable you get a weird feeling. It' s
completely normal. We all have fantasies that we' re going to stop being
loved, that the other guy' s chin, he can get angry,
upset, you can take away his affection, his friendship. But you'
re going to discover over time that that doesn' t happen as long as
and here comes a golden rule, you do it right, for the right
reasons. You have to be assertive and you' re going to check that
things are going well. No one loses relationships by saying no to you.
Now I insist in the right way, for the right reasons and taking into
account that relationships are a back and forth interaction. You always say no,
but if you expect others to always say yes. Well, then you have
things to question. You' re going to realize that there' s getting
together and coming into things, but that you don' t lose by saying
no. So you learn by practicing around these dates. There' s always
a dilemma in the different schools, because if you don' t have to
send the children to school anymore that if the activities are over, some are
starting exams, others are already finished all that if they' ve already sent
them to do the results, that if nothing else is entertaining the children in
the schools that are already not doing academic activities. They are doing academic activities,
but they don' t matter anymore because they don' t count that
they do have them doing recreational activities any more than if even in some schools
they even tell them that the teachers themselves already tell them or come this one,
it' s no longer worth this. Anyway, there are a wide
variety of alternatives to this and the great question many on many occasions of the
parents is cha me you advise us. There are as many possibilities as there
are families. Okay, so not every council applies to everyone, because there
are families. Those who take the children greatly complicate their lives and then it
is more practical and feasible to leave them at home. There are families for
whom the children stay in the house is a real problem because they work and
then leaving them in the house is an absolute complication. There are those for
whom either is optional. So everyone who takes what I' m going to
say wisely, I always suggest that as long as the school doesn' t
close its doors, they keep sending it to school, because the reality is
that leaving them at home is to leave them on screens, on the cell
phone, with influencers, on Youtuber, video games and already they spend the
rest of their free time doing that, so, at least, they go
to school to dedicate themselves, even if they get bored, to socialize,
to pick their eyes, to see what they do, to live with friends,
to do other kinds of things, to relate in another way to the
teacher and to the classmates and not to stay at home doing things that do
the rest of the time and that don' t bring anything good. So,
when you ask me my advice. I say to you, then,
at least that you go to that number of hours to school until the School
of Plano closes the doors, the school calendar is fulfilled and then there is
no more remedy than vacation. That' s my humble opinion. Notice that
there are two great moments in life where we have to work with each other
' s waiting capacity. One is when we have very little children, and
the other is when we care for older people. Sick older people can become
very intolerant. And that son daughter who cares for older people suddenly as they
are no longer in an educational process as such, suddenly fall into this immediate
response to the demand of the elderly person and although they are clearly attending and,
moreover, with the moral commitment to have been cared for by this person
throughout his life. There is as a commitment of responsibility that many times in
addition, brings the overload of the expectation of the brothers who put in this
person an overexigency to have to care. And you have to be very careful
about that, because it is true that you are already caring for the elderly
person who is sick so that you don' t even go to the bathroom,
because the other person needs a glass of water and it would seem that
he can' t wait for you to go to the bathroom to take the
water, not or give him his medicine. And then you can' t
even make it wait five minutes and this loss of the dimension of each other
' s ability will be because since he' s sick, as he needs
everything ends up having the same level of priority. It is not true what
if you are someone who cares for that sick older person, try to put
it in appropriate priority, what if it requires urgency and not, because you
may be leaving your life and falling into a stress illness for not being able
to prioritize that it corresponds and that no, so do not lose sight.
Well, then, we came to the end of one more chayo program with
you and I hope that everything will flow very well. I' m Chayo
Buscats. You' re good to you until then. Audio Centre