Welcome to Softcore History. Blow and welcome back to softcore History. It's good
to be back in a different kind of a different location this week. I'm
Jake. Part of the building, different part of the building. I'm Jake
Goldman. I'm here as always with our producer and co host, Dan Rojester.
How are you doing, Dan? What's up? What's up? Dan's
in the DJ table? Yeah, DJ diddles in the building. DJ diddles.
What you want to be called? Really, No, diddle diddles is
a poor choice, but I actually love it. It's actually a callback to
a Dan Cook joke from like eighth grade. Well, we'll move on then.
Yeah, you can steal as jokes now. They're they're a public domain,
they're evergreen. Yeah. Yeah. Uh. And we also have with
us as always, Robert Fox the third. Yes, Yes, I'm here
and I'm excited. Uh. This is an episode where I might say something
ridiculously offensive on accident. Yeah, no, it's it could have an episode
about a Jewish holiday. No knows what my I don't remember when we were
talking the other day in text and I was like, is it okay if
I called him Jews? And I was like, I don't know, Like
I don't think you can, but like not not in like a Jew,
like well it's sucking Jew. It was just like Mexican. Yeah, it's
like can I call Yeah, it's yeah, it's like Mexican yeah, or
like oh she's Mexican. Yeah. Yeah. That's the difference, right right,
Like because it's like you would never call someone like, oh he's a
Jew, you say he's Jewish, right, But the plural is tough.
The plural is hard because it's like, well they're not. You wouldn't just
say, oh, they're Jewish people. You'd be like the historical reference to
the Jews is probably accurate. Yeah, I would say, like, can
I just tell you how excited Rob is because we just did a college basketball
podcast where he was very subdued. His voice came in. The levels were
great on the board, they're peaking right now. Yea yea yea, yea
yea yeay skirt skirt, yea. He is very excited to talk shit the
Jews. Yea, so heart. His eyes are, his pupils are dilating,
his his cheeks are flushed. His he just can't stop to him because
I don't wanna, I don't want to, uh, accuse you of stealing
my sunglasses because I know I knew this was gonna come up. The rims
are gold. I knew this is gonna come up. But Rob came over
yesterday in my house or wives made Christmas cookies while we all blacked out.
Yeah, we all got really drunk, and U Rob just kept talking about
his cool new sunglasses and like was taking pictures with them on and stuff.
I was like, oh, those are really nice, and he lost them
and he swears that at my house. I can't find him. That's why
you don't buy expensive and and I had to. I had to outright say
I didn't steal your sunglasses. Well, you offered it up. I didn't
accuse you of it because I know what's coming. Yeah, yeah, I
know what's coming. I don't think it was, but then you got you
planted that seed. And now in my mind, now it's my fault.
Yeah you think I stole them? Yes, yeah, I think I.
Rob was gonna come to my house. They're gold, yeah, the gold
rim Well, but the only reason I'm coming over is because we were all
blacked out drunk. Yeah. I remember where I was sitting and what I
where I would have put them down potentially on a Sunday no less, Yeah,
it was worth it. I didn't do shit at work today. Today
was thankfully Aday. Mondays are easy for us. Oh, Monday is the
worst day of my job. Yeah, by far. We don't start till
one thirty. So that's anyway. If you smelted those goddamn sunglasses, I
just broke them down and melted down the little underwire. Yes, just for
like one tenth of announce of fake gold. Yes, yeah, that's that
sounds about right. Yeah. So the reason why Rob was talking about Jewish
stuff is um our episode of day is actually about a Jewish holiday because we
are currently on the wh tenth eleven twelve thirteen four run the fifth night of
Hanka and r are inclusive because we just did a Christmas episode. Well,
to be fair, the Jews invented Christmas. Christmas yes, now, yeah,
the Jews invented it first, and then the Romans stole it and go
ahead of Christians stole Check out that episode. I'm actually going to upload the
video to that on YouTube and this episode tonight, so awesome, both will
be up. Well. The Centernalia episode was really good, um and a
lot of you are probably thinking, Oh, Jake's gonna talk about honka wrong.
Fuck honka Honka is terrible. Um. Hanka is kind of like our
westernized way of competing with Christmas in America. UM, it's not a high
holy holiday by any stretch of the imagination. Yeah. People people like to
say, like, I guess it actually cracked me up a lot. Oh
no, and October beer that I hadn't open yet. Um, it actually
cracks me up a lot that people kind of act like these days, Like
now, I would you call it the last what twenty years at worst?
Maybe the last ten years. We're overly inclusive. But really, for whatever
reason, I either probably just becomes to make money. Oh really uh like
marketing firms and and uh toy companies and whatever else. We're like, well,
we're getting ninety percent of America with Christmas, where's another ten percent?
Yeah, and they shoved in Hanaka and Kwanza. Uh. I'm surprised I
didn't do more with Ramadan. Maybe that varies too much. Ramadan. Yeah,
that's like a whole month rob. They don't control the media, so
yeah, yeah, that's the thing. No, but it really was it
was just like it was like almost like tokenism inclusion right to be like,
partly so that no one would be left out right every partly partly because it's
just a way to make more money. Oh, it's definitely a way to
make more money. I mean there's no like Hanka. For most Jewish kids.
Isn't like eight Christmas is in a row. It's like for some it
is, though, which is wild. Yeah, no for something. I
mean I had a pretty good Honaka, like it would mostly it's for a
lot of Jewish kids. It's one Christmas broken down into eight days. That's
still rat uh. Imagine an eighth of Christmas for eight days. It's just
a low release adderall. Yeah, I've had some good Christmases, so it
would be like so I would say on average, as a child, I
would probably get like, I don't know, fifteen presents on Christmas. I'd
be more appreciative if I got a gift every day. Yeah, if I
just have my Christmas broken up. Yeah, so it's like two presents a
day, okay for eight days. Basically I want to be like, on
to the next gift. They weren't all equal size presents, like you know,
a couple big ones and then a little one, you know, but
there's always like the big presents, you get to build right, Yeah,
for Hanaka, at least you get a build up. Yeah. No.
What's weird though, is like sometimes you know, you gotta pick which present
you want. Oh, you don't start, they don't like start you small
and then move their way up. That's hooever you want to do. It's
like day one you get they should have done it, like the Maccabee's in
the temple where every day got worse. Yeah, like the first day you're
fine. Day by day eight you're getting breadcrumbs. Yeah. No, And
but let's okay, let's talk about the holiday. We're going to talk about
is poor them right, which is we'll get there. We'll get there.
But yeah, I want to continue to continue we should? Yeah, is
great? Yeah, okay. Even have a chocolate calendar, No, we
have. I think every chocolate coin was fucking coins every no advent calendars.
Do you open up the little door and you get a little piece of chocolate
every day? Yeah? No, I mean I send you guys the Atlantic
article and one of the funniest lines from it was like every piece of gelt,
the chocolate coins you see during Hanaka was probably made in like nineteen eighty
three and they just haven't had to make them, since that's why they're all
Louis the Louis c k candy corn joke or is that a it's Lewis Black
Oh is it? Yeah? Where what they haven't made candy corn and decades?
Yeah, they just recycle it. Oh, I'm sure go bad.
It's like a twinky twinki chuca. It's two it's two nat it's barely organic.
Yeah, it's it's barely carbon based. Yeah. So the only thing
candle Yeah for nuclear if the nuclear bomb goes off for you have like three
things guaranteed, and it's cockroaches, twinkies, and candy corn. Yeah,
and probably Jewish chocolate chocolate coins. Yeah. So Hanaka one like you talk
about the we're on Christmas, and I think that's laughable because Christmas just kicks
the shit out of Hanka, Like, oh yeah, sent one. So
just to start off with the premise, Christmas is the celebration of the birth
of the savior of humanity. That's fucking awesome. Hanka is a light that
stayed on longer than I'm supposed to be like cool. At some point you
might wonder like, was it a miracle or were they just bad at Matt.
No, that's the biggest miracle of honkas that we fucked up the numbers
on the oil. It's the first time in history. Oh really, the
people that spend their account right, Yeah, No, it turns out we
had a lot more they were trying. Like is that did they just start
conserving right then? Is that the invention of us being stingy? He was
like, Oh, we could maybe stretch that oil a little longer. We
don't have to burn it that hard. Hash, we don't have to burn
the candle that hard. And I'm honestly concerned to talk in this podcast because
I just don't want to come off as overtly anti semitic, just subtly.
Yes. Yeah, well based on your hair, weren't you the one that
got the white power haircut on accident a couple months ago? What do you
mean? I'm not not didn't bush it what I thought? Didn't Dan show
us a picture of his haircut, and I was like, dude, you
look like a fucking proud boy. No, I shaved my head. It
wasn't Oh that's what it was. Yeah, So yes, you did look
like a yeah you thought it was an accident. No, come on,
yeah, it's not great because all could someone could do is clip you sang
the wrong thing in this episode and then show a picture of that and play
it over that picture, and and literally everyone would be like, obviously he
wants to murder Juice. Right, They're just gonna photoshop the Edward Norton tattoo
on my chest just to welcome. Yeah, but at least you look jacked.
He looked jacked with that tattoo. He was tiny, and they surrounded
him with smaller tiny here guys, yeah, how is that possible? Hollywood?
Everyone's yeah, it's five five in Hollywood. Everyone's five five, one
sixty Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actors are teeny tiny. I mean Tom
Cruise is a fucking action here. I was saying, oh like that though,
like all your favorite actors are are fucking like unless you're hero, yeah,
because you got Hemsworth's tall, Chris Evans like normal, he's like,
what is Robert Downey Junior? He's short? He's short? Is it?
Yeah? He's he's hardly a superhero though, was a rich man. He's
he's like a batman type superheroes. Bill that's the best kind. Fuck your
power, your your superpower is wealth. Yeah, that's tight. That's a
true American hero. Yea wealth and his Uh he's a genius too, his
engineer brain. Yeah, basically he built that suit. That's true, Like
he didn't just buy it. It's really kind of like Elon Musk could be
Iron Man if he really wanted to be, probably trying right now, he
would be a terrible iron He also blows up every rocket he sends up.
That's not true. The last rocket that tried to land it blew up,
okay, but the other ones didn't. Dude, They all the time,
Like literally, he blows up a rockety yet to do they blow up?
He literally controlled explosions at least one or two a year. He say that
about NASA half the time. Any rockets explode. How many apollos didn't make
it? One one didn't make it to the moon. We got it back
somehow. Yeah, I mean two space shuttles have exploded in my lifetime.
It was a challenge. Oh wow, I think we have a sound for
that, if this is the right one. YEA like a radio show now
drivetime tragic Wait, yeah, yeah, that type of thing. Yeah,
good. All right. So yeah, anyway, hoytaka sucks. Um.
It really is just about like a temple getting ransacked and then the light standing
there. You're supposed to have a light that stays on the entire time.
They were like, oh my god, it goes out, wasn't it.
It's essentially like if I had to compare it Christianity, specifically Catholicism, it
would be like almost I feel like before they elevated it, like just like
a random almost like feast day for a saint, it would be it would
hundred percent that. Like I think the biggest high holiday for Judaism is Yeah,
which is not fun. It's a day of repentance and fasting. So
it's the opposite of anything cool. It's like Easter, Yeah, pretty much.
Easter is better than that, but like, yeah, like the other
Christian holidays, I mean, the other main one is East. It's really
just Christmas in East year. Yeah, and then everything else's second tier.
Yeah pretty much. Yeah. So like I mean, it just sounds like
a day on it and repentance. Yeah, just like sweating out the shame
they have from the weekend activities they did dead on Yeah, absolutely every Monday
that's every Monday for Aubrey Marcus. Yea, every Monday is Yam Kapoor and
on it jim um. But no, so we're gonna talk about Poum,
which is not a high holiday. The reason that the reason we're talking us,
by the way, is that we were I was at your house yesterday,
yeah, and you were like, dude, harnage sucks. You know
what's the tight holiday for Judaism that gets no love is poor Um. Yeah.
Poorum happens like usually between February and March Um. I believe it's the
thirteenth day of God. I can't remember the Jewish month. It's like Adar
something like that. Yeah, they said it. So this year it was
March ninth to March tenth. Next year, oh, justin this is my
birthday February twenty fifth to twenty six. So this is basically actually on the
same schedule as Prey Yeah, and ash Wednesday. It is. So it's
pretty awesome. Basically, I guess I could talk about like where the holiday
comes from and then how people celebrate it. Yeah, because the story is
history is the best part of it. The story is pretty awesome. So
I had some questions about this story. Yeah, oh it's very one sided.
It's written by the victors, if you want to well later some people
bring up bringing that up. Yeah, it's an extremely nationalistic holiday, like
a culturally naturalistic holiday. It's pretty funny though it's celebrated awesome. Though.
Also just as a side note, we are not doing ourselves any favors by
going off the lunar calendar as a people like, people already think we're like
Harry little Ware wolf monsters anyway, and our calendar is the moon, so
I would say gremlins. Yeah, perhaps the people who run the banks and
Harry Potter. Yes, oh no, there's no similarities there. That wasn't
the most heavy handed part for me as a young boy, like, wow,
I have big nose and big hook noses and claws and port all the
money. Apparently like the drawings of goblins, right, as apparently goblins were
drawn like that before Jews were compared to goblins, and some asshole was just
like jew goblin, Jews are goblins, Jees are goblins. But apparently the
drawings, the pain, the portrayals of goblins pre date Jews being accused him.
So when I'm learning from this is Little Wayne is Jewish. He is
a goblin? Yeah, yeah, he's like is he yeah he's or is
he a ghoul? No? He has a song called I Am a Goblin,
But I think he's a ghoul. Little Wayne when he's one of those
um like rappers that wouldn't surprise me, He's like, no, I'm Jewish.
I'm like what he'd be like black Israelite. Yeah, he has that
red string around his wrist cabala. Yeah, which is a whole other thing
I won't get into because it's very man using. Judaism gets some weird like
mystical stuff around. Oh, there's tons in Jewish mysticism. I mean different
you know, another series I'm gonna take another time. Yeah, how seriously
do you want to take it? It's like different forms of Christianity. No,
it's a little it's more like rattlesnake Christianity. Yeah, it's well,
I wouldn't call it that, like the Yeah, it's not like that.
No, it isn't like that. There's a lot of mysticism there, or
a lot of like and like the Pentecost just in terms of like invisible powers
will inspire and save me. In a really hardcore man bizarre way. Do
you hear that? No? What was that? Or Dan did a fun
little uh paranormal sound dj DJ Dan DJ diddles over here, just submarining the
quality content by making a gimmicky we're adding to its production. Well on inside
TFM. We used to do the ham sound all the time. Horn Yeah,
I am yeah. Well we just got a sound board, so yeah,
hell yeah we do that anyway. God yeah. So for him,
I'm gonna just go and start from the beginning. So during the rule of
the Persian Empire, Uh, way back when I read that, So this
this king was under or after right after Xerxes? Oh, right after Xerxes
and the okay, yeah that makes sense. Um, so do you remember
how to pronounce his name? I still every time I read it it was
Yeah, that name was a nightmare. I know that. I know the
main antagonists name, so uhs or something? Oh? No, this was
Zerxes? Was it? Erxes? Yeah? He was the royal hayman,
the bad guy was the viceroy, was the royal visor or viceroy to King
asa Herris. And then in parentheses it says Xerxes the first or I don't
know, is this before or after he slaughtered Leonidas. I'm trying to figure
out that's the right Xerxes. It might be a different Xerxes maybe before that.
Um, oh no, it is that Xerxes sick. So this is
Hayman was the viceroy to er weird sexual Xerxes in three hundred. Yeah,
the big nipple Pierce. Yeah, crazy dude. Yeah, so picture Xerxes.
Just call him Xerxes because it be a lot easier to remember. This
is Zerxes. This is the guy. Yeah, so Xerxes is the king,
and um this to start the story. The way this story starts is
so weird. Xerxes wants to like show off his naked wife to all his
boys, which is why not that one does? Yeah yeah, well he's
like, okay, so you need to wear nothing but the royal crown and
standing in front of all my bros. Honestly, you guys not showing me
your naked wives. Seems like we're not that close. Why don't she show
us? I don't have a wife, so yeah, unfortunate. You can
Kylie get married, you can be the first. Yeah, I'll show her.
Yeah, yeah, you start with Kylie. Yeah, and we'll let
Kittie and uh I will. I'll show you a naked picture in my wife,
but it'll be when she's eight months pregnant. Okay, yeah, some
guys are in that I'm not. But yeah, actually it'll be in the
ore or whatever wherever, just her screaming while she's crowding. Yeah, you'll
see this first child as well. Yeah, m hmmm, I don't know,
DJ diddles, you're not into that. I don't think we're ever going
to get there. Okay, ouch ouch your swimmerskin dive, yeah, swim
straight. I don't know. That'ss like, yo, bitch, get up
on that pedestal and get naked. I am check out how hot you are.
I want everyone to see. And she's like like they didn't know,
Like they're not mostly naked in that time period. Yeah, they're like,
oh all the time. So she must have been pretty covered up too for
the most part. Yeah, but anyway, she had a skin condition.
She's like, no, I know, it's really funny to me, by
the way, Like, I mean, what what that even? Yeah,
I don't know. Yeah something she must have had some sort of like but
also, wouldn't you have known that and not wanted to show off her weird
skin? Yeah, or like did everyone back then have weird skin? Sounds
like they had fucking like nighttime regiments. Yeah. Their backup was burlap and
he rubbed it on your face it. Um. So she's like, no,
I don't want to do that, and he's like, well, you're
not my wife anymore, so fuck off, and Zertzis goes and starts looking
for a divorced her because she wouldn't dance naked for his friends. Yeah.
Did he announce it though, Like he didn't actually go through the paperwork.
He just said, like there's no paperwork when you're the king when so he
just might he Michael scotted it and just said I declared bankruptcy. He can
when you highest you are the law, everything you say is law. Yeah.
Actually, and that comes into play later too, um the royal decrees.
But so he's like, shit, like I need a new wife now,
and he comes you know he has he has a beauty contests the Bachelor.
Yeah, he has a beauty contestette. That's another bachelor. Yeah.
Yeah, and um, all these chicks are coming to like present themselves to
him, and he spots this lady named esther a secret Jew, a secret
Jew Esther's the niece of a man named Mordecai, a not so secret Jew.
Not so secret Jew. Yeah, that kind of gives it away,
right, I guess you just don't say who your uncle is. Yeah,
I mean, well it's not even that. I think, like so,
Jews at this time, we're a cultural minority. Um, they weren't like
yeah, but in so in the Persian Empire, the Persians were really really
good to everyone they ruled, which is why the empire lasted so long.
Like they are Jewish in the Bible, there are like they celebrate Cyrus,
who was Zerxy's father. I think Cyrus liberated Israel, along with a bunch
of other places I believe from Babylon and the Jews. The Jewish people loved
Cyrus and and they loved they thought the Persians were good rulers because they really
just let their subjects live. That's a big thing for the Jews historically,
if you don't just try to exterminate us. Yeah, they let them.
They didn't force them to practice their religion. They didn't do like the Babylonians.
So the Assyrians would essentially slaughter everyone because they were psychos. The Babylonians
had the Jewish diaspora or whatever was under bab Babylonian rule where they were a
bunch of them were exiled to Babylon and sou Cyrus beat the Babylonians conquered Babylon
and let the Jews go back home. Um, and he was like a
generally benevolent like live and let live type of rule or like just pay your
taxes. Yeah, I might level levy some some people for war when I
need it standard stuff, right, but like really hands off, which is
all you could ask for in like six hundred BC or whatever. That's like
the most benevolent you're gonna get. Yeah. Yeah, So it's that honestly,
might be better than some local rulers would have been. Oh absolutely,
you know. I mean like no oversight. Really just kind of like that
better than current current day leaders in some countries. So I mean like that's
yes, yeah, So it's really not that bad. Okay, you have
some conscription if there's a big war, and you pay your taxes, that's
it. Um. So I'm trying to remember here now, so bear with
me for a second. So Mordecai just tells esther like yo, Mum's the
word don't tell him you Jewish. Don't tell him you're Jewish. We're gonna
let that skirt, Like, just marry the emperor. Yeah, it's a
much better life for you. The worst thing you're gonna have to do is
get naked on a table, like where to dance for his friends? Yeah,
it's not to show him you're good. Yeah. So, which again
sounds terrible, and maybe it is, but at that point in time,
worse really could it be? Could it be worse? Absolutely? Yeah?
Um so Esther becomes, you know, the wife and queen of the Persian
Empire, and um so, what happened to the other wife. I don't
know, she just got to live the roane and a gutter or maybe like
did she get a severance? She lived peacefully? Yeah, this guy was
living. The king is pretty chill. Zerkles Zerks gets a bad rape.
Actually. Also, by the way, the Spartan not Spartans. Yeah,
the Spartans. Yeah they're dog shit. Gerard Butler is actually the bad guy
in that movie. No, they're terrible people. They like they were one
of the worst, a bunch of a bunch of white men and want to
be a part of a multi ethnic They abandoned the gender gender neutral empire.
They just put their children out in the wood. Yeah, like, hope
they survived. Well. Their entire like thing was just warmongering to the point
where they didn't have an actual stable society that it was completely reliant on slave
work. And they're like, ooh, we're just like fighting, so nothing
ever got done. That was the collapse of the Spartan Empire. Spartans are
definitely overhyped in history. They're stupid. They're not even good, like like
we could farm right now and now fuck it, let's go fight. Yeah,
no, let's fight stuff. Let's take They're basically like land pirates now
they're they're Vikings essentially before Vikings, right, yeah, a bit more organized,
but yeah sure, yeah they have they have like Viking school, I
guess. Anyway, Um, esther in Erxies are hitting it off. They're
doing great. Um. Meanwhile, the vice roy to Xerxes is you know,
trying to get some more clout, trying to be cool in front of
people. Everyone one's bowing to him. His name is Hayman. Hayman is
the vice roy and Mordecai, Esther's niece will not bow to him and why
is that? I couldn't find that. Oh so the reason why he does
not bow to Hayman is because in Jewish faith, you don't bow to anybody.
You don't bow to figures as he was bowing to kings. You don't
bow like you might bow to er. I don't know, but like you
don't bow to some vice. You're not gonna do it for some fucking vice,
right, No, it better be like the guy that's like the top
dude. But yeah, you're really not supposed to bow for idols, kings,
any political figure, anyone of any status. It's reserved for uh you
know, yes, So so no Jewish like samurai or Ninja's kraftmagah. Yeah,
so you get what is it? What is the Israeli secret police?
The massa. Yeah, Massad is the closest thing you have. The Jewish
ninjas. Okay, they don't bow. Jewish ninjas were invent in like nineteen
forty nine, yeah, right after they made it Israel. Yeah basically,
um, yeah, so he's not balanced him and this piss is well,
do you recognize Israel as a country or do I reckon, you're gonna ask
me about the Israeli Palestinian conflict. Right now, that's where you want this
to go. If it exists as a country, it's some sites don't recognize
it as a real country. Do you recognize it as a country. I
don't know. I don't know enough about the the issues. Wow, there
we go. That's the clip. That's the clip that gets put across Dan's
face. Yeah. No, what's funny is like that could actually be seen
as more liberal now actually, yeah, it's a very left wing position to
be like fuck Israel. That's very conservative. Honestly, the conservatives are the
ones that are like Israel is reel and now yeah, well it's like it's
do they're they're college campuses with the Israeli flag. People are like take it
down, that's hate. Yeah. Well it's kind of hard to not see
both sides of that. Like well right, I'm not I'm not like it,
like it's really it's really clean. It's reely colonial expansion into the like
the outer banks of Israel. I can't call it colonialism if it's like five
square miles, but it's I really can't. Yeah, they just keep like
banning power just eminent domain. Yeah, but it's like also taking advantage of
people. That's fair, the Palestinians. And to be fair, you can't
think someone that liked Jews made the Israel Plan. It's like, where should
we put the displace shom right in the middle of the Middle East where everyone
hates them. Well, that's where they're from. Yeah, but it's historically
where they're from. Well, it's not like they put them in Antarctica.
Now that's just would have been sick. Jerusalem's overrated. Yeah, no,
I mean we're gonna get into that. On the other side, why do
so many people care about Jerusalem the Holy Temple to do with the end of
the world. That's the best scene and you can move them of heaven.
When Orlando blooms, like, I swear to God, if you try to
take the city, I will tear down every holy place you're is mine,
and Saladein's like, yeah, better if you did. Yeah, it's like
he literally that's the line. He's like, well he says it like like
with the Middle East, and it's like it might I wonder if it would
not be better or if you did or something like that, but it's still
you know, yeah, no, I mean, and I was like,
maybe I would have been yeah, probably could call yeah um yeah. No.
The whole reason though that he doesn't bow is because that's reserved for God,
and so hayman um is like this morte kime, motherfucker's not bounding me.
I'm the vice Werxes like fuck this. You know what. He's Jewish?
Right, yeah? Jewish? Fuck Jews, Fuck all Jews. Every
Jew in this city is going to die now. Yeah. It was in
the empire, I thought, in the Persian Empire, which the Persian Empire
at that time was the largest empire in the world. Yeah, it was
huge. So this was right, Not right? This is a bit before
Alexander the Great. Well okay, so so this was Xerxes was the one
who fought uh, like we said, um, Thermopoli against the Spartans.
Uh. Not Marathon, though I have to look up who was Marathon.
Anyway, it would be the modern day equivalent of if Bernie Sanders and bow
to Mike Pence or shake his hand, and Mike Pence was like, let's
go all the Jews in America. Right, Yeah, it wouldn't mean Bernie
Sanders because he's famous, right, It would be like a literal random yeah,
yeah, like what are you Goldman. Yeah, all right, Jews
God Yeah. Yeah. Uh So Hayman casts lots or rolls dice basically to
determine a day when all the Jews are going to be all of them exterminated,
and that action is called a poor um where you're casting lots, that's
where the term for the holiday comes. Meanwhile, how does it become a
fucking piece of salmon on a bagel? That's locks. It's the same thing,
lots, is what I'm saying casting lots. Dan was like, I'm
afraid to talk because I don't want to say anything anti semantic. And the
last few things he said, where fuck it? Like Israel isn't real?
And uh, you like eating your locks, Doe boy, like out of
left field with like salmon jokes over here, It's like, maybe what's up
with that steak fish bagel? Nose? Bitch? It just seems weird,
man, you said, since I know what to be offensive, just terrible.
Yeah. Um. Meanwhile, while Hayman's doing this plot to kill all
the shoes, um, Mordecai learns of a plot to assassinate sixes in the
castle or whatever in some sort of fortress there's palace. Yeah, palace.
There's some Yeah, let's be as offensive as possible. The mud hut,
that's no, not not for him, not for him, but the mud
palace. No, No, he lived in a nice place. Yeah,
man, Yeah, gold palace. Yeah, there you go. Probably was
and it's probably like a fuck palace. Yeah, dude, like he left
a chick for not getting naked for his boys. It's definitely a yeah,
it wasn't a mud hut. It was a fun palace. Yeah. So
just there's just all kinds of holes getting on hold. Yeah, filled up
for sure, it's lugged. There's anymore, yess No, that's the okay.
Yeah. So Mordecai basically saved erxes life and never gets recognized for it,
like just you know, accidentally kind of yeah, just kind of like
true heroes that really never get recognized you don't ask for it, and he
never did, and so um, you know that kind of that's an important
note later. So basically I think the Viceroy Hayman is like, hey,
Erxes, I need you to issue this role to cree where for killing Jews,
for killing Jews, YadA YadA, and Hayman not Hyman. Xerxes is
all like yeah, sure, whatever, I gotta I gotta fuck my bitches.
If this is not important to you, Hayman, and like, by
the way, this is a good time to bring up. I don't know
if you knew this or remembered this. I remember this while reading it.
I didn't know it beforehand or whatever, um or I didn't know the origin
of this beforehand. Do you remember the South Park episode Jubilee, Yes,
Jewish camp one Jewish macaroni art, Yes, yeah, the thing from Tron
Daza the bad guys Hayman. Yeah, Hayman is the bad the demon that
the that the living bad guy like summons to attack the Jewish boy Scout cam
right. It's pretty funny. Yeah. Yeah, And I didn't put that.
I put that together this evening. Yeah. No, that's that's correct.
Yeah, yeah, there it's it's one of them is Jewish. I'm
pretty sure what Tray Stone or Matt Matt Stone and Trey Parker Jewish. Yeah,
no, there's some really good little Jewish. Oh yeah, in there.
That's a deep cut. I feel like it's extremely deep because you didn't
even know what Porum was. I thought you you told me what Poorum was
yesterday. I mean why else would you get this reference other than no this
holiday. Yeah, yeah, it's Hayman isn't mentioned at all except for this
story in the Book of Esther, So um, yeah, sou Zerxes is
like, yeah, yeah, you know, if this is so important to
you, Hayman troubling, Yeah right, yeah, yeah, kill the it's
kill these like eighty thousand people. They kind of YadA YadA this part.
Ye're like, why is he so just dope with this, Like you're just
gonna kind of go against all the things that made you a great empire because
Hayman's really just making it a problem for right, this is this is very
I mean, you know, actually they probably it's still an ancient empire.
They slaughtered people all the time. Yeah, but usually I think with the
Persians it was rare to if if not totally un never happened to do it
like that, right where it's just like we're gonna kill these people that aren't
doing anything. Yeah, it's one thing if you conquer a new place and
they're unruly or somebody rebels, yeah, then they would do it. Like
there's it's still you know, six hundred and seven hundred BC. Whatever.
Yeah, So I think This is where I'm gonna get a little jumbled up
here. Hayman tells every or not Hayman. Mordecai tells everybody about Hayman's plan,
and so did jew start like quietly protesting. What I read was he
told Esther out, and Esther started like or heat No. Yeah, Mordecai
finds out first, and he started He wore like a burlap sack and covered
himself an ash. Yeah, out of the morning. Yeah. Basically he
was like, we're all gonna die, like that was his plan. He's
like, oh no, it's it's the end. Yeah, it was kind
of it was like to draw attention to the fact they knew about it.
He also asked Esther like, hey, now's the time to do something,
and Ester's like, I was a god made, God made you queen to
stop this. Yeah. Ester's like I'm not sure, and He's like,
no, no, Esther, go talk to your husband like he's literally the
leader of the world. So, um, I'm gonna get a little bit
more mixed up here, but I'm pretty sure. At some point, Mordecai
is at a dinner at a feast at Zerxy's table, and Hayman is there
two, and again Mordecai doesn't bow to him, and like Hayman's like,
yeah, there is a second time where he doesn't bow, and Hayman gets
even more piste off. He's like, well, little do they know,
I'm killing all of them. Motherfucker's so right, And like during the dinner,
he's like, he tells his servants to start building a gallows for Mordechai
for the next night. He's, yeah, we're gonna kick this thing off
with the fucking Mordechai's yeah, he's gonna be the first one, and then
we're gonna the rest of the Jews, and I believe at that dinner.
After that dinner, Mordechai goes up to Xerxes like, hey, so you
remember when those guys we're gonna kill you. I think I thought Esther told
Xerxes, Oh maybe day Esther told Xerxes that Mordechai saved yeah. Ery.
At some point, Zerxes becomes aware that Mordechai saved his life, and uh,
zerxies like, oh my god, like, thank you so much.
Yeah, well, he knew it a lot. His life had been saved,
he just didn't know by whom. And he yeah, and he didn't
realize that whoever saved him hadn't been rewarded, right, and he was like,
oh, fuck, well we got to reward him then. Yeah.
And so it's funny because at that moment um Hayman walks back in while Xerxes
is in the talking to more Guy and Hayman or sorry, I'm getting my
names mixed up. Xerxes looks to Hayman and says, we need to get
this man like the King's horse, Like, well, no, he asked
what I read was? He asked Hayman. He's like, how should we
honor the man who saved my life? Oh? Specifying who it was?
Hayman thought it was him, Yeah, was like you should put him on
your horse, dressed in like glorious robes or something, rubies whatever, you
know. Sure, and like because Haymond raided him around, because Hayman thinks
he's doing a coronation for himself, right, so he's trying to get his
come up and he's like, you're absolutely right, Haymon, get all that
shit from Mordechai. Yeah, And Hayman's like what He's like, yeah,
Mordechai is saved my life. Also, jew Yeah, and then Mordka is
also also also all that's great, but um, can you not kill all
the Jews? Yeah? And work and Zerkey is like, oh, well
I made that a law, so I can't under that. Well no,
first he found out, how are you correcting me on all? You're probably
Jews playing the shit out? Yeah, you're just Christ I'm Christ splaining.
Fuck yeah, no, no, No, what happened was is that What
happened was just he's taken over. Now, No, that's fine. I'm
going from like memory, I just sent you too, I mean I read
this. No, I'm going from like Sunday school memory. Okay. What
happened was is that, um, Mordecai got his Like Hayman was furious and
like ran out or something like that, and Esther was like, oh,
by the way, yeah, he wanted to kill all the Jews, including
the man who saved your life, Mordecai, right, because Mordechai offended him
Mordecaikai who saved your life. And Xerxes was like what the fuck and was
furious and ordered Hayman to be hanged in the gallows he built for Mordechai.
Right, But there's another piece to it okay, so and you're probably gonna
correct me on this though. He's like, well, we can't end that
decree that yeah. So but that was after they killed him, I think,
yeah, well Xerxes was like, that's a royal decree now, but
toothpaste is out of the tube. Yeah, you can put it back end,
but you can make another decree that I can issue where you can preemptively
kill anyone you think is a threat. Right, And so because of that,
I believe the Jews ended up killing like eighty thousand people. Yeah,
I read I read about it was about eighty the Jews. So this kind
of gets overlook, it's a really big hand wave. Like so to avoid
getting exterminated, this is the total massad move, by the way, uh,
to avoid getting exterminated, the Jewish population of the Persian Empire went ahead
and went out and killed eighty thousand people that they thought were going to kill
them potentially maybe castle lawbe It was. It was like imagine if you went
to like a dude you're beefens with beef in with house and killed him and
you were allowed to because it's like, well he said some shit, yeah,
like you can't know. It's not like they rolled up to your house.
You went into the streets and murdered some people. Like I don't know
how they came up with eighty thousand people though, Like there's just eighty thousand
folks we think are going to hurt them. I know. It's more like
going to a Walgreens and somebody side eyes you and then you just stabbed them
in the neck. Yeah, yeah, like that, and it's like that's
a lot. I can do that. Yeah, I can just murder your
face. What's crazy, by the way, is I was gonna be like,
that's so many. I mean it is, but like so many people,
like not that many people are alive back then. But the population of
the Persian Empire around this time, they say the height of the population of
the Persian Empire was five hundred BC. Let me look at the Battle of
the Poulal quick. Sure, but you could argue that the Jewish community here
though, it was very proactive with a climate change. So at this time,
at this time, this happened in like four a DBC around that and
the four late early five whatever, fifty million was the population with the Persian
Empire. I mean, that's that actually makes sense. It was really big.
But over the course of fifty million sound humongous for that time period.
Yeah, I mean it does kind of. But spread that's a huge area
too, though, Like that's over how many miles like or kilometers whatever you
want to call it. What's the metric? What is the metric unit?
For people in the metric sys it's about the same as um the Roman Empire
at its height. Yeah, that was five Well, one thing I'm saying
says one hundred and twenty million, but fifty five to sixty five million is
like the accepted range. Okay, well yeah, so, I mean it's
still kind of crazy though that they just were like, yeah, you got
carte blanch to just go kill some other fun Yeah. Well yeah, well
I can't unkill you. Yeah, so I'll put out a new one that
lets you kill them before they can kill you, and then that's good.
We're good. That's the most insane part of that to me. It's like,
I can't say no to this in an empire where laws are literally made
up Yeah by him, Yeah, he can't be like, well I can't
because I think it's almost I can't put that rabbit back in the hat.
Yeah, it's like that's going against them. I could take out a new
rabbit, yeah, a better rabbit, but I can pull a turtle out.
Yeah, it's this rabbit. It's so fucking weird. Anyway, So
that is the story of Pham, and they celebrated we there was a there,
there was a big feast. There's a big feast for the slaughter of
eighty thousand people, mainly hayman Um. Yeah. But so it's a feast,
it's a holiday that basically. The interesting thing that I was reading about
it too, is that it doesn't mention God once. God is not mentioned
in this holiday, but in like the actual tradition of celebrating it. Well,
yeah, God doesn't even intervene. It's God doesn't play a part in
it. God's not like Esther save these people, right, there's no Mordecai
is like, I think God put you here to help us not get murdered.
But there's no like direct godly. It's not like Daniel in the Lions
series a god though God in his mind, he is different, different religion.
Yeah, so bro the whole for him. He still thinks he's God.
Of course, that's why he can't undo his own laws because then he'd
be going against the word word God himself. Yeah. But so it's about
how God lives in all of us. And you know there's bravery in it,
right, you don't bow to this guy like you stand up for what
you believe in. Um. But more importantly, it's a holiday modernly,
Yeah, so what is what is the modern celebration of this? You're supposed
to get as fucked up as possible. That is like one of the main
tenants of the holiday. So pooram is celebrated, like Rob said, around
the time of Marti Gras, and it is kind of like now a mix
of how weeen and in a lot of ways it is you're Marty gra too,
because it's it basically happens like forty days before passover, right, yeah,
which is just like Marty Grass literally forty or forty one days, just
forty days of lent and Marty Grass not lent, so l forty one days
before. Yeah. But yeah, and it's like our big fucking feast today.
So what what happens is everyone dresses up in costume. There's a couple
of mis vokes or like commandments you're supposed to do on the holiday. One
is you're supposed to read the entire story of Esther, and you're supposed to
hear it um a lot of times. Now I think women actually read it
too, which is normally common. Yeah, feminism, Yeah, so that's
always big. I helped kill eighty thousand people. Women are job yeah,
fierce No. Then m children get noisemakers, and anytime the name Hayman is
read during the reading, kids try to drown out the name of Hayman ye
um, and he must not be named. Essentially, he's basically Voldemort yeah
um like but not good at it. He's also the descendant. There was
something weird about He's like the descendant of Almec, which is also like a
trimordial enemy of Jews to yea, how convenient? Yeah right, so like
Islam came from Ishmael, Yeah exactly thing yeah yeah um so. But then
mainly what I was getting to is the reason that people get sucked up.
So people get fucked up like in the streets, and it's not like there's
like actual rabbiitical arguments about this, like how fucked up you're supposed to get?
And some people are like, well, you're supposed to a certain bac
yeah, like it's it's argued on because people are Rabbis are like, do
we really need to get like as drunk as possible to celebrate this holiday?
And the short long answer is yeah, you have to, like it's your
duty to get really fucked up. And the reason for this is you're not
supposed to be able to distinguish the phrasing of like oh, cursed his Hayman
or blessed his Mordecai in Hebrew. You're not to be able to supposed be
so drunk you can't like understand words. Yeah, not, you can't understand
words, and you don't recognize the guy's face when you see it, Hayman's
face, Hayman's face. Yeah, you're supposed to not even know. So.
Yeah, people dress up and call it's basically hoween Marti grab people dressed
up in costumes and just blackout drunk. They get blackout drunk. The people
that are in the fringe of the rabbidical side of it, where they're like,
no, it's not you're not supposed to get that fucked up. They're
in the fringe, like the majority of people, it is accepted that you
are supposed to be blackout. So does this include And this is always curious
to me because I grew up in a part of Saint Louis in University City
that was like that was where the Orthodox Jews lived in Saint Louis, and
I, like I grew I grew up within walking distance of two Orthodox temples
and then like four other temples. Yeah, like within walking it's about of
a huge Jewish community where I live in University City. But I never I
guess I don't remember. Maybe it just happened at like house parties. Does
it do the Orthodox Jews like the really stayed prude look kind of looking ones
that you see in like clinner, Yeah? Yeah, do they do it
too? Like do they get shit house for their rap concert for modest yahoo?
Yeah? Right before right, King without a crown? Right, that
was a big beard though, So it doesn't he's not he's not Orthodox anymore.
But he's a handsome man. Yeah, he is a very handsome.
But no, do they do that too or is it or like is it
more like the casual I'm pretty sure they do that. They probably do it
in a less fun way. Yeah, they probably get sucked up and then
go right to bed. Well, or they get fucked up and they do
like Russian dancing in their house type of yeah, probably kicking their feet up,
yeah kind of thing. Yeah. Probably, Um, I'm sure they
do, but it's not quite in the streets with them. No, it's
as opposed to like tell Aviv, where yeah, you're not going to see
them in costume and shit. Okay, well that's what that's what it's curious
about, because it's there is costume though, I mean they might have costume.
They're gonna be tossing around some Western grip hand jobs during this night,
Yeah, because they're getting so fucked up, they're just gonna kind of you
know, some Western grip han you think Orthodox chose jagging each other off on
poor him. But it's poor um, so he said, poor m perm
pureum. Yeah, they're celebrating all right, and it's funny. It's just
pour them. It's like pour them up, pom out m pore them,
pour of them shots. Um. Yeah, I don't know where Dan was
going with the Western grip hand job thing. That's just how I imagine like
craving a Western grip hand job is that I've never actually I don't know if
I've received one like you get that at a bar, like from someone that's
in front of you as you order. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of
guys have done that to me. Yeah. They just reaching your pants and
give you old Westy Yeah yeah yeah, definitely on a part of Fourth Street
for sure. Yeah. Oh in this town, you means that sixth Street,
baby. Yeah, you can get it from anyone you want um anyway.
Yeah. So the argument, I guess for a lot of the more
anti drinking people is like, no, you're supposed to have a couple extra
glasses of wine, so you get steepy right. When you're steep bee and
you're tired and you put your little head down. That's when you don't recognize
anything. That's how you should celebrate it. But that's lame up, stupid.
Yeah, don't do that. Get fucked up, bucked up, jerk
each other off, and have yourself a grandma. My argument is fuck Hanka,
that has no good story. It's about getting your asses, kicks and
a light staying on right versus poor hum where it's like, yo, marry
the emperor and go kill your enemies and also drink a fuck done and you're
because we almost died. Yeah, we almost died also, and also the
other thing too, is it in Hanaka with the whole with mcaviees and anything
like, the Jewish people were not under a threat of being wiped out?
No, just being normal conquered. Right. Can we get an Adam Sandler
movie for this for Poorum, there should be Yeah, that'd be good.
I'd watch that out in Sandler movie eight Crazy Hours about him blacking out during
porehum and each gets time travels back to the book of esther Times eight ten
thousand crazy murders, eighty thousand crazy murders. Yeah, I think the blacking
out drunk and going back in time is probably yeah. Oh no, at
the first Poorum, yeah, oh man, this one was crazy. Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know that would. I'm surprising. Is there anything
in particular, um, in terms of celebration that stands out to you on
this holiday? Well, the drinking obviously, like it is very much.
Didn't you say something like kids weren't just allowed it's not just making noise when
they hear the name, but aren't they allowed to just go batshit crazy?
Oh? Yeah, kids do go nuts, like you're just like the kids
get to be like little assholes. For the night. Yeah, they get
it's basically like causing kids. It's almost like almost like it's almost like Jewish
people are like fuck man, like they're like or actually what it is like
it is like Jewish people are like making a case that they should have been
slaughtered. Yeah. No, well that's your clip for Yeah, there's your
clip for you. Yeah. Well specifically with the little kids get to be
the biggest assholes possible. Oh yeah, it's like, what do you think
that's going to turn into later an asshole older jew because they get to run
around and did you say like the play pranks or like poke people or something
weird like that. I think you might be getting mixed up the saturnalia.
No, I thought there was something in there too where they were just may
they're just like allowed to run the rooms and be like and then like yeah
it's about making noise. Yeah, like they but they just get to be
like psychos. Yeah yeah, especially you give them soda and pizza and they're
just like that and that's like child cocaine. Yeah right, No, they
do allow them to just basically run rampant. Yeah, crazy, it's it's
about I think it's about release too, like it's it's like, oh God,
like it's it's ecstasy from not having to worried about being massaccred. So
it's like, hey, blow off some steam. It's basically a blow off
some steam day. Yeah, like just chill, like but not chill,
go hard. That's gonna be a good feeling that can most so the two
of the three biggest Jewish holidays are oh, we didn't get murdered. That's
like most of Jewish scripture that it's like, whoa who got out of Egypt
didn't get murdered? No, I mean it's I'm surprised we don't have one
about like not being in the Holocaust anymore, Like we didn't just like make
a new holiday for that, like whoo yeah, not in camps. Patton
showed up, Yeah, Hey, the Russians showed up, hooray kind of
all the Russian showed up first. Yeah, yeah, they both liberated camps.
It just depends on where they were. Auschwitz was Russia first was,
but Doc was the US. Yeah, Dakow actually being someone that's actually visited
Doc. How it's fucking bananas how close Doc hou is to um Munich.
They do they have a gift shop do they have a kind I don't remember.
Of course they do. They might not call it a gift shop,
but yeah, there's somewhere the memorabilia. Why would you do that. I
mean, I'm sure it goes to like some sort of good cause. It's
not gonna buy like a doc owl hand towel. No, it's not.
It's not like a country club or you get like you're gonna talk out polo.
No, it's not like that. It's like, I'm sure there's some
sort of like photos and I mean, like I book Fort Sumter has a
gift shop. I'm trying to think of other places where I don't know what
happened at Fort Sumter. Are you fucking kidding? Like, off the top
of my head, now, that's where the Civil War started. M okay,
welcome dark, we fact check nothing. I have a friend, I
have a buddy by the way, who talks politics with me all the time,
and I brought up the Boston massacre because we're talking about police shootings and
he was like, I don't know what that is. And I was like,
you talk about how much you love America, yeah, constantly, Well
that's you should. The Boston massacre is like tier A. So is Fort
Sumter, Jake, I don't know started that? Did you not know it
either? I didn't know what happened. It's where the Civil wars? Not
well, I learned about the Civil War in Florida. Yeah, I just
so I had the alternative, Well you were in Philadelphia. What's your fucking
excuse? I learned that South Carolina succeeded, and uh succeeded. They did
not succeed They succeeded. They succeeded in being the first state to succeed.
Yeah. By the way, did you you know what's funny is uh did
you get super off topic here in terms of sure, go ahead and keep
keep on stomping over anything we say, go ahead? Rob what ouch um?
South Carolina when Lincoln got elected, actually celebrated his election. Oh really,
because they were like, good, we're finally get out of here.
Yeah. Yeah, like that was the straw. They were happy. They
wanted him to win. They didn't want the Democrat to win. They wanted
this a seed. Yeah, and so they're like, now we got a
reason. It's people that a pro gun when like Biden wins or any Democrat.
I don't think I don't even think pro guns are right when there it's
like pro people that sell guns. Oh yeah, oh yeah people are I
mean any anybody when a Democrat wins, Yeah, seals go through the fucking
roof. Yeah, n picks up the rhetoric that you're guns are gonna get
exactly. You know what's funny. Guns have never been taken away, never
will. There's more now than ever yea, even by percentage. Yeah,
not just by numbers, obviously, by numbers, if more. But what's
crazy too, like what's their number of Like the number of guns per person
in America is like, there's more guns than there's Everyone bought a fucking gun
during the March. I want to know what that means though, because if
that that can't just be private ownership. I bet you that stat because people
fuck with stats all the time. You think it includes the military? Yes,
I do make sense, got it? That's private ownership though, that's
wild. Yeah, it strikes me as the type of thing where they'll take
they'll count any fucking gun the same way like with mass shootings. Oh where
it's like if it's more than like three people or something, and they'll count
anything. Yeah where, but they make it make they make you all like
they always try to say, act like it's like every single one is like
a weird white male virgin like school shooting kind of walking into a school.
A lot of them are like drive bys and stuff. A shit ton of
them are like gang shootings and stuff. For Chicago. Yeah, I'm not
trying to be like, but the way that counts stats is that you're what
you were sounding like that. I mean, it is a travesty that so
much game violence happens in South Chicago. But the point is is that they
present they don't prevent those stats in a way that gets that across. It's
not happening in a school every single time. Yeah, or even a post
office. No, surprisingly, go and post But anyway, Um, so
yeah, I was trying. I was thinking about this on the way here.
Um, what's like, what is the equivalent to get fucked up Holiday
in Christianity? Mary? Oh yeah, Marty, Right, Well that's Catholicism.
Yes, actually that is really just Saint Patrick's Day Cathis. Yeah,
we're all that's why. By the way, I will say this all over
and over again, especially to my wife who was in Catholic or keep trying
to convince the convert Catholicism is the only cool Christian Uh yeah. Every other
Christian sect is garbage and radical. We are the only ones with the drinking
holidays. There is no Baptist ship faced holiday. We also stopped believing in
God for like fifty years of our life and then go back in our seventies.
Yeah, so it's great. No, yeah, so Marti Gras,
though, if you want to talk about the release holiday, right, Marti
Gras, is you're supposed to get supposed to get all your wild shit out
Tuesday, right, and then Lent happens. Yes, However doing it all
before the like ten days into Lent is Saint Patrick's Day, whose cruel trick
was that that's the devil temptation baby. Saint Patrick's Day is in what late
March usually, right, he chased out Late marks Man, he chased out
the snakes. So I thought, I don't know if this happened on the
podcast or not where I thought like the snakes was a reference to some group
of people now just real snakes. Yeah yeah, well I don't remember it
was on the podcast either. But Jake was like, wait, there were
Like Jake was like, what were the snakes? In reference to again,
let's just snakes got rid of like vikings or something, And I was like,
no, it was it was just snakes. He just they think he
got rid of snakes. It wasn't people. Yeah, that's like no literal
snake people in the back. Yet, Like no, they meant snakes,
Like were snakes a big problem the devil? You know, the snakes are
the data. That's so funny. It's just like, yeah, sure,
he's a snake. What was that? What was that like symbolism for us?
Nothing? It was it was direct symbolism of snakes. Yeah, so
dumb. Look it's as funny as fun though. It's like, we got
a big drinking holiday. What's it about this old dude got snakes? Oh
well, he gave Catholicism the whole island. He converted everyone there basically.
Yes see, I felt like the snakes are the people that didn't convert.
There were snakes and then those copless snakes thousand a thousand years later that those
same people almost starved to death on an island where they could fish. It's
questionable because his patoes were having just a bad year for farming. Go to
the fucking fish store, Go to the coast. Yeah, that is your
coat. That is a lot. Actually, that's like, how did they
what happened? Just really bad with a rod. This is why you have
to diversify. Yeah, or they were just so committed to having side dishes.
They would love potatoes. Man, They're like, you can't you know
potato For the first time. I think I might have said this on the
podcast. I can't remember, though. Ireland just surpassed it's like eighteen forties
population. That's insane that we never recovered. Yeah, and I want to
say, maybe finally just well no, they haven't just passed people with I
like, there's more Irish heritage people in America than than there are in Ireland
by by quite a bit insane? Are It's like Jewish people really bad?
Yeah? How like it's insane that there is a cultural Ireland in Ireland.
Isn't America? That doesn't America have more more Jewice people anywhere else? Is
Israel one? In America's two? It's something like that. Yeah, I
mean for a long time it was America easily, but and then like ironically
Russia's still three. It's crazy because they really hated the Jews almost as much
as Jew. You never did Birthright, you never went to Birthright. No,
I didn't wasted opportunity, was it? Yeah, dude, you could
have went to Israel on their dime and you know, lived up just like
two weeks, three weeks. Cultural appreciation is good. I'm not trying to
go anywhere where they have the iron dome phone each other the whole time.
Do you a little afraid to get on a bus. I'm just not stoked
about going to a place that's very heavily targeted for explosions. Yeah, it's
targeted for you to meet your wife there. Right. I already gonna be
like the only first world country where it's like something could explode it anytime.
Yeah. No, it's funny as shit. I was watching videos of the
missile defense system, like they all kind of stop what they're doing and like
kind of go inside, but then some people just stay out there and film
it. So it's like a tornado warning, yeah, basically, and like
you'll see the miss of the homoss missile coming in and then just another missile
goes and gets it, and they'll crack up. They're like they suck.
They just go back to work. It's like they're never gonna get us.
So it is literally like a tornado warning in the Midwest. Yeah, the
sirens go off and no one takes it serious like whatever. But the thing
is, though, if you're not from there, So like if I was
in Israel, the same way, like my wife when she's in Saint Louis
and the tornado wine goes up, She's like, should he be getting in
the basement, Like I mean Israel, Like, uh, should is there
a bomb shelter? And they like, no, no, outside, they're
bad at missiles. Yeah, the same way I'd be like, man,
dad, there's not there's not a tornado. That's not gonna We're actually going
to storm Chase. Yeah, we're gonna go look for we're gonna go film
this getting counter missiled out. Yeah. That just cracks me up that they're
at that level of like people hating them, that they're just like, yeah,
we built like anti missiles everywhere. Yeah that's all we got. Um.
But yeah, that's that's the story of poor um. Oh wait,
no, there was one other thing I wanted to talk about. The pastries.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, god. Um. I'm specifically memorized
this earlier today. What they're called but now I can't remember. Look it
up. They're they're the English Rob well Christ's play. Yeah, they're called
Hayman's ears or Hayman's hats. Um. It's a three cornered pastry. Is
it a bearclaw? It's kind of like almost like a baklava in a way
that is, you don't know what baklava is. No, they're called like
hamontosh. Yeah, um so hamantash and hamantash see both. Yeah, so
they are these three corners. They're supposed to represent Hayman's hat. They're just
like little fruit filled pastries. Yeah. Yeah, and you eat them,
it's kind of like you're eating his head. There. Such a violent fucking
holiday. Yeah, it's about drinking and murder. It'd be like if Mardi
Gras was like, today is the day that Jesus slit punches pilot's throat and
then everyone celebrated. Yeah, and this is a this is a jelly filled
donut that you're supposed to cut down the middle. Wow, why would spill
out? He can't slip punch his pilot's throat. He washed his hands clean.
Rob, I'm just saying if Jesus was a bit more of a vengeful
person or what if we had it would be if we had a holiday just
for when he like flipped over the tables and the temple. Yeah, like
that was the day that we just like raged our fucking dicks off, just
like walking the rooms kick tables. They do have that the table, Yeah,
yeah, that's all about Jesus and the temple. Actually the bills fans
bans temples or tables because of that, that would be the should we start
a Catholic holiday where we just smashed tables? It's like, yeah, we
keep it also keeps small uh party businesses in business because he rent tables and
destroyed them. Well that's where Jesus was anti small business. It's crazy.
He was anti capitalism, yeah, fucking mommy, fucking yeah he was.
He was actually very much a communist easily. Yeah yeah, long haired hippie
communist watching the poor people's feet not white, no, simply not even white.
Looked like Cheke of Vera really if anything, Yeah, do I think
Cheke of Ara was Jesus. Well, Mike Tyson had then has Jesus tattooed
on his ribs. Yeah, Mike Tysons Jacob his ribs. He also has
MoU said Jesus, So yes, Jacoba, Yeah, he has mouth and
on his ribs though I didn't know this but until he fought the other night
or whatever a few weeks back. Like Mike Tyson's a giant communist, really
big comm according to his tattoos. Well he owns a tiger too, so
he's really into that part of the world. Yeah, definitely. Have you
ever seen the picture of him where he just clearly had his face on a
pile of cocaine at a party? Mmm, I'm not it's it's amazing his
face is It looks like he had been eating powdered doughnuts all night. Yeah,
it's just like his eyes are bloodshot. Someone takes a picture of him
his nose just coat that's faked, by the way, So about this holiday
one thing is just jumped into my mind. Then I wanted to ask,
um, how we're pretty sure Hayman was a real person, right, Oh,
yeah, like probably probably Zeres was, Yes, so I'm assuming as
Vice Roy was. So you guys just go wild. We killed a very
insignificant person for the execution of a human being once he whoa So do you
guys go wild for him? Rising from the dead. We're only because he
was able to rise from it. I don't know. The Stations of the
Cross in elementary school is fun. I got to be a Roman soldier talking
fun. I got to beat the ship on my friend with a whip.
I'm sorry, hold on, Dan, hold on a second. He might
be as anti Semitic for this. What the fuck Stations of the Cross?
Where you putting on in the church? Yeah? Yeah, I was a
Roman soldier. My friend Mike was you had was Jesus thing? No,
No, we went. We went station by station and it was at church
during church, during church. Yeah, it was especially it's like a special
edition. I understand. I've I have Good Friday, been too many Stations
of the Cross. I've also been a server, been an altar boy for
Stations of the Cross. Fucking no, we do a live action station.
That's I have never heard of that. And I was a Roman. I
am as fucking cat because he's crazy. He's like, I think I've heard
of this. Yeah, and I literally just kicked a shit on my friend
with a whip. Never heard of that. That's never heard of that.
Do you guys have like a very drawn out snuff film? At church at
church. Yeah, wow, these have like Cat of nine tails wailing on
your fucking friend. We went all out with the production too. I have
never heard of that. Essentially you had you had a Christmas play. Yeah,
but for the stations. So what is the stations at the Cross?
Do you rob? It's a very boy orring form of not even masks.
They don't do communion for it, not Uh, where you just go in.
Every church has it. If you go into any church, there's like
twelve days they have I forgot how many stations, fourteen points and they have
this all the stations there for that one day a year that they do the
Stations of the Cross and they go from one to one and it's like different
the different stations. Yeah, light up your station, like they put a
spotlight on each station as you go through it. Yeah, we live that
out, Lady of Fatima. Damn, that's hardcore. It would be like
it's like the trial. It's like the trial of Jesus, him being whipped,
him being nailed to the cross, all kinds of shit. So it's
kind of like, uh, it reminds me of like going to Epcot,
like seeing just like a story like you you know, or like a museum
like the do you walk around when you do the Stations of the Cross?
Yeah? Yeah, we stopped so what half stage one? Yeah, so
when you're serving, what happens is like when you're an ultra boy. It's
you, it's too ultra. Yeah, you're going to explain what I did
and there. Oh I thought you all right, we'll go talking about do
you go station by station? And it's like, like he said, it's
a play for us. I guess you guys didn't do the play. Okay,
Well that's interesting. That sounds like it would be kind of chaotic inside
the church, like is everyone going to the same one at the same time?
Everyone? We only did one performance. Oh it's so to me.
I thought you meant like people were walking around the perimeter of the church like
now sitting down and we're walking inside. Oh okay, we're going around the
pews doing the stations of la Cross. Oh okay, okay, okay,
that differs church by church, So I guess, yeah, you didn't actually
live it out. So what we Yeah, like they were like they were
like paintings of each station in the church, and then like we would be
inside the pews, not outside the pews going from station to station, and
the priests would read like, well, I just looked at the stations.
It's like Jesus is condemned to death. And then he'll read like a fucking
the part for that, and Mary Magdalene comes out the crowd and wipes his
face. Yeah exactly, yeah, exactly, and it's yeah, it's fourteen,
you're right, uh, including he's taken down from the cross and Holy
placed in the fucking isn't one where I think I offered him like a vinegar
sponge on a stick a stick. Yeah, So so the only way to
wipe yourself off was with vinegar. We talked about this. We have talked
about this privately before, not like because we were like ashamed of it.
But I told you what the vinegar sponge is, right now? Have I
ever told you that? What is? I just learned about the vinegar sponge
two seconds ago? Sponge? Okay, so, oh my god, god,
this is his whole own episode. So I hold it, then keep
it holstered. Now I'll say it and then we can do it. But
I mean, it's it's so essentially. Yes. At one point two Roman
soldiers held up a vinegar sponge to Jesus's mouth, right, and the Bible,
the story and the Bible, it was like active fucking charity compassion.
Yeah. So no, that's actually what Romans and people at the time used
to wipe their asses with after they took a shit. Yeah. No,
I never thought it was like a sign of Uh so they're basically like putting
used toilet paper in his face. Yes, they put used toilet paper.
They put dirty shit toilet paper on a stick and shoved it in Jesus's face.
They actually taught us in school. In school, they taught us that
was kind of like an act of insult because he didn't instead of water vinegar,
you couldn't drink it. I didn't know about the toilet paper shit though.
Yeah, they used that thing to wipe their asses. Okay, that
actually seems like it would work really well though. So well, the reason
they liked it, the reason they did it is because the vinegar killed the
germs or whatever. Yeah. Well, I'm sure so it a way to
like what it helps with the smell, probably, yeah, but it was
a way to like it, like it was like disinfectant. As he's probably
passing out from hanging up on a fucking cross for hours, slowly dying probably
wakes him right back up. It's like smelling softs. Yeah, oh god,
that's what you wake up too. It's just shit sponge like as he's
about to be knocked out and just go into unconsciousness before he dies. A
media cocaine boost poop sponge. Crazy to me. It's like, did you
guys use just like a home like square sponge? Did you just like because
they wouldn't have been that. No, it was like a circular sponge.
It was like a natural sponge, right, yeah. Yeah, it's weird
that those are animals. They're not. They are not. Sponges are animals,
not to me, but they are. They are, they are animals.
You know. You know my favorite station of the cross is he falls
the second time. Why did they have to like say the second it really
gets into the weeds. Well he falls three times, right yeah yeah,
but the second it's like he and like that one's just like he follows again
and then they just say something and that's it. That was I gotta say,
man, as a fucking kid, as a Catholic, like stations of
the Cross were unfucking bearable. I felt like I was the one being crucified
during Stations of the Cross. It is the point. It's to make you
relate it fucking might be. Man, it was so awful. It was
because that's you remember too, because you didn't just serve it. I assume
you had to attend them too. That's the one where you kneel constantly.
Yeah, and it's also an extra mass. I have to go to Mass
on Friday. Fuck that it is. Yeah, and you are on your
knees like most of the time. It is murder. Yeah. I've been
to a few Catholic masses myself, and the updowns you're doing, it's just
it's unbearable. Yes, I was jacked as a little kid, man,
sure, fucking jacked. Well, yeah, sort forum there it is a
little bit of Stations of the gross, a little bit of Christianity. And
then we expose ourselves, me and Jake for our lack of Civil War knowledge.
I don't think we're just not war guys. I think we're civil war.
He's the World War time. Every god damn person in the United States
should know what Fort Sumter is. I mean, I know it's heard of
it that I didn't insane, I didn't know it started there. I'm sorry,
I wasn't. I wasn't. Like you guys have heard of the Battle
of Hampton Roads, right, you know what I mean? Like you know
what, Like I would not like referencing like Antietam is extreme, Like I'm
not referencing like random like War of eighteen twelve battles. If we're talking about
Fort Sumter here, that is, we should talk about the War of eighteen
twelve though, because British British, it burns down the White House. Basically,
what happened is is that we've been off more than we could chew,
and the victory was in that we have eventually just like broke even. Yeah,
that's the story friend of their time. Yeah, that is really the
story of eighteen twelve. Yeah, make sure to go ahead and rate and
subscribe, tell a friend about this podcast. Help us grow. We saw
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and and we've got a lot of dms just from people listening, like thank
you, so much and thank you to thank you, super thank you to
everyone who sends us ship to be like, hey talk about that. Yeah,
no, seriously, we have a couple. I think a listener thinks
we should probably start recovering in the new year, like for sure. Well
it was one of the listeners, John Barazza, John Paul. I'm butchering
that name. Who sent us the John Smith one? Yeah? I actually
so next week's my week and I kind of want to go back to that
well of just one person. Yeah, I do like the biography Who's lived
like an incredible wife? Oh yeah, Um, just to break up the
theme, we obviously went back to back holidays, I'm just going to do
a cool old school bank robber. Oh nice, Yeah you were talking.
You were talking a lot about the like nineteen thirties yeah, John Dillinger,
Oh nice. Oh sweet John Dillinger's agree. Were you about to break some
news to us? Oh no, I wasn't. I was gonna say,
Um, someone that's been a follower of us for a while, Brooks Raburn,
Oh yeah, yeah, I think we talked to him on the football
podcast. Yeah he might have called in yeah yeah, called it donated.
Yeah, um, he has like a really crazy one about Martin Luther.
He sent me some stuff about him. Oh fuck, Martin Luther came up
on in this stuff, did it? Yeah? Well I read something that
we are too far into this podcast. I will just say that Martin Luther
was like, I thought that, um, that the story that pure hum
and the story of Esther was Jewish nationalism. Oh totally. He was like
he was like, fuck this, and they're like he thought it was a
sign of Jewish nationalism and blood lust. Yeah, no, totally. Uh,
both Hanka and Forum technically are a national holiday. Like I mean,
Honk hundred percent is It's just like, yeah, yeah, we fucking run
this ship. This is our temple. They still lost eventually, Yeah,
we always do. They always Well, everyone lost to Alexander. It's fine.
They were fighting the Macedonias like the Greeks, weren't they. Yeah,
in Hanaka in the Honakah story, Yeah, they lost, of course they
did. Everyone lost. Did they have elephants? I don't know, I
don't remember elephants or is that just Hannibal? No, No, Alexander didn't
have elephants. Okay, I kind of explained something, but whatever, All
right, for that Uh, I'm Dan, I'm Jake, I'm Rob and
you just got soft served eat eat