Chapter twelve three. And yet it was not a dream, but actual,
indubitable fact. Should I be telling the story if it were not? But
to continue? It was late, about nine o'clock before I reached the arcade,
and I had to go into the crocodile room by the back entrance,
for the German had closed the shop earlier than usual that evening. Now,
in the seclusion of domesticity, he was walking about in a greasy, old
frock coat, but he seemed three times as pleased as he had been in
the morning. It was evidently that he had no apprehensions now and that the
public had been coming many more. The Mutta came out later, evidently to
keep an eye on me. The German and the Mutta frequently whispered together although
the shop was closed. He charged me a quarter rouble, what unnecessary exactitude
you will pay, you will every time pay the public will one ruble and
you one quarter pay for you are a good friend of your good friend,
and I a friend respect Are you alive? Are you alive, my cultured
friend? I cried as I approached the crocodile, expecting my words to reach
Ivan Medvitch from a distance and to flatter his vanity. Alive and well,
he answered, as though from a long way off or from under the bed,
though I was standing close beside him, alive and well. But of
that later, how are things going? As though purposely not hearing the question,
I was just beginning, with sympathetic haste to question him him, how
he was, what it was like in the crocodile, and what in fact
there was inside a crocodile. Both friendship and common civility demanded this, But
with capricious annoyance, he interrupted me. How are things going? He shouted
in a shrill and on this occasion particularly revolting voice, addressing me peremptorily as
usual, I described to him my whole conversation with Tim of fay Semyonich,
down to the smallest detail. As I told my story, I tried to
show my resentment in my voice. The old man is right, Ivan Matveitch
pronounced as abruptly as usual in his conversation with me. I like practical people,
I can't endure sentimental milksops. I am ready to admit, however,
that your idea about a special commission is not altogether absurd. Certainly, have
a great deal to report, both from a scientific and from an ethical point
of view. But now all this had taken a new and unexpected aspect,
and it is not worth while to trouble about mere salary. Listen attentively.
Are you sitting down? No? I am standing up. Sit down on
the floor if there is nothing else, and listen attentively, resentfully. I
took a chair and put it down on the floor with a bang in my
anger. Listen, he began dictatorially. The public came to day in masses.
There was no room left in the evening, and the police came in
to keep order. At eight o'clock, that is earlier than usual. The
proprietor thought it necessary to close the shop and any exhibition, to count the
money he had taken, and to prepare for tomorrow more conveniently. So I
know there will be a regular tomorrow. So we may assume that all the
most cultivated people in the capital, the ladies of the best society, the
foreign ambassadors, the leading lawyers, and so on, will all be present.
What's more, people will be flowing here from the remotest provinces of our
vast and interesting empire. The upshot of it is that I am the cynosure
of all eyes, and though hidden to sight, I am eminent. I
shall teach the idle crowd thwart by experience. I shall be an example of
greatness and the resignation to fate. I shall be, so to say,
a pulpit from which to instruct mankind. The mere biological details I can furnish
about the monster I am inhabiting are of priceless value, and so far from
repining at what has happened, I confidently hope for the most brilliant of careers
won't find it wearisome, I asked sarcastically. What irritated me more than anything
was the extreme bomposity of his language. Nevertheless, it all rather disconcerted me.
What on earth what can this frivolous blockhead find to be so cocky about,
I muttered to myself. He ought to be crying instead of being cocky.
No, he answered my observation sharply, for I am full of great
ideas. Only now can I, at leisure bonder over the amelioration of the
Lord of humanity. Truth and light will come forth now from the crocodile.
I shall certainly develop a new economic theory of my own, and I shall
be proud of it, which I have hitherto been prevented from doing by my
official duties and by trivial distractions. I shall refute everything and be a fourier.
By the way, did you give timofey Semyonich the seven roubles? Yes,
out of my own pocket, I answered, trying to emphasize that fact
in my voice. We will settle it, he answered, superciliously. I
confidently expect my salary to be raised. For who should get a raise if
not I? I am of the utmost service Now. But to business,
my wife, You are, I suppose inquiring after Elena Ivanovna, my wife,
he shouted, this time in a positive squeal. There was no help
for it. Meekly, though, gnashing my teeth, I told him how
I had left Elena Ivanovna. He did not even hear me out. I
have special plans in regard to her, he began impatiently. If I am
celebrated here, I wish her to be celebrated there. Savants, poets,
philosophers, foreign mineralogists, statesmen, after conversing in the morning with me,
will visit her in her salon in the evening. From next week onwards.
She must have an at home every evening. With my salary doubled, we
shall have the means for entertaining, and as the entertainment must not go beyond
tea and hide footmen. That's settled. Both here and there they will talk
of me. I have long thirst for an opportunity for being talked about,
but could not attain it, fettered by my humble position and low grade in
the service. And now all this has been attained by a simple gulp on
the part of the crocodile. Every word of mine will be listened to.
Every utterance will be thought over, repeated, printed, and I'll teach them
what I am worth. They shall understand at last what abilities they have allowed
to vanish in the entrails of a monster. This man might have been foreign
minister, or might have ruled a kingdom. Some will say, and that
man did not rule a kingdom. Others will say, in what way am
I inferior to Ganier, Pegasyshki or whatever they are called. My wife must
be a worthy second. I have brains, she has beauty and charm.
She is beautiful, and that is why she is his wife. Some will
say she is beautiful because she is his wife. Others will amend to be
ready for anything. Let Elena Ivanovna buy to morrow the Encyclopedia edited by Andrey
Krevsky, that she may be able to converse on any topic. Above all,
let her be sure to read the political leader in the Petersburg News,
comparing it every day with the voice. I imagine that the proprietor will consent
to take me sometimes with the crocodile, to my wife's brilliant salon. I
will be in a tank in the middle of the magnificent drawing room, and
I will scintillate with witticisms, which I will prepare in the morning to the
statesman. I will impart my projects to the poet. I will speak in
rhyme. With the ladies. I can be amusing and charming without impropriety,
since I shall be no danger to their husband's peace of mind. To all
the rest, I shall serve as a pattern of resignation to fate and the
will of Providence. I shall make my wife a brilliant literary lady. I
shall bring her forward and explain her to the public as my wife. She
must be full of the most striking virtues and if they are right in calling
Andrey Alexandrovitch our Russian Alfred de Musset, they will be still more right in
calling her our Russian Yevgenia Tour. I must confess that, although this wild
nonsense was rather in ivanne Metvich's habitual style, it did occur to me that
he was in fever and delirious. It was the same every day, ivanne
Metvitch, but magnified twenty times. My friend, I asked him, are
you hoping for a long life? Tell me, in fact, are you
well? How do you eat? How do you sleep? How do you
breathe? I am your friend, and you must admit that the incident is
most unnatural. And consequently my curiosity is most natural, idle curiosity and nothing
else, he pronounced sententiously. But you shall be satisfied. You ask how
I am managing in the entrails of the monster. To begin with? The
crocodile, to my amusement, turns out to be perfectly empty. His inside
consists of a sort of huge empty sack made of gut aperture, like the
elastic goods sold in the Gorohovy street in the Morskaya. And if I am
not mistaken in the Voznesenski prospect. Otherwise, if you think of it,
how could I find room? Is it possible? I cried, in a
surprise that may well be understood. Can the crocodile be perfectly empty, perfectly
ivan Matveh, maintained sternly and impressively, and in all probability it is so
constructed by the laws of nature. The crocodile possesses nothing but jaws furnished with
sharp teeth, and besides the jaws, a tale of considerable length. That
is all, properly speaking, The mental part between these two extremities is an
empty space by something of the nature of gottapercher probably really cut the percher,
but the ribs, the stomach, the intestines deliver the heart. I interrupted,
quite angrily. There is nothing, absolutely nothing of all that, and
probably there never has been, or that is the idle fancy of frivolous travelers.
As one inflates an air cushion, I am now with my person inflating
the crocodile. He is incredibly elastic. Indeed, you might, as the
friend of the family, get in with me if you were generous and self
sacrificing enough and even with you here there would be room to spare. I
even think that, in the last resort I might send for Elena Ivanovna.
However, this void, hollow formation of the crocodile is quite in keeping with
the teachings of natural science. If, for example, one had to construct
a new crocodile, the question would naturally present itself. What is the fundamental
characteristic of the crocodile? The answer is clear, to swallow human beings.
How is one, in constructing the crocodile to secure that he should swallow people?
The answer is clearer, Still construct him hollow. It was settled by
physics long ago that nature abhors a vacuum. Hence the inside of the crocodile
must be hollow, so that it may abhor the vacuum and consequently swallow and
so fill itself with anything it can come across. And that is the sole
rational cause why every crocodile swallows men. It is not the same in the
constitution of man. The emptier man's head is, for instance, the less
he feels, the first to fill it. And that is the one exception
to the general rule. It is all as clear as day to me now
I have deduced it by my own observations and experience, being, so to
speak, in the very bowels of nature, in its retort, listening to
the throbbing of its pulse. Even etymology supports me for the very word crocodile
means voracity. Crocodile. Crocodile oh is evidently an Italian word, dating perhaps
from the Egyptian pharaohs, and evidently derived from the French verb crocot which means
to eat, to devour, in general, to absorb nourishment, or these
remarks I intended to deliver as my first lecture in Elena Ivanovna's salon. When
they take me there in the tank, my friend, ortn't you at least
to take some purgative, I cried involuntarily. He is in a fever,
a fever, he is feverish, I repeated to myself in alarm. Nonsense,
he answered, contemptuously. Besides, in my present position, it would
be most inconvenient. I knew, though, you would be sure to talk
of taking medicine. But my friend, how how do you take food?
Now? Have you dined to day? No? But I am not hungry,
and most likely I shall never take food again, and that too is
quite natural. Filling the whole interior of the crocodile, I make him feel
always full. Now he need not be fed for some years. On the
other hand, nourished by me, he will naturally impart to me all the
vital juices of his body. It is the same as with some accomplished coquettes
who embed themselves and their whole purisons for the night in a raw stake,
and then after their morning bath a fresh supple buxom and fascinating in that way
nourishing the crocodile, I myself obtain nourishment from him. Consequently, we mutually
nourish one another. But as it is difficult even for a crocodile to digest
a man like me, he must no doubt be conscious of a certain weight
in his stomach, an organ which he does not, however, possess.
And that is why, to avoid causing the creature suffering, I do not
often turn over, And although I could turn over, I do not do
so from humanitarian motives. This is one drawback of my present position, and
in an allegorical sense, timofey Semyonitch was right in saying I was lying like
a log. But I will prove that even lying like a log, nay
that only lying like a log, one can revolutionize the lot of mankind.
All the great ideas and movements of our newspapers and magazines have evidently been the
work of men who were lying like logs. That is why they call them
divorce from the realities of life. But what does it matter? They're saying
that, I am constructing now a complete system of my own, And you
wouldn't believe how easy it is. You have only to creep into a secluded
corner, or into a crocodile, to shut your eyes, and you immediately
devise a perfect millennium for mankind. When you went away this afternoon, I
set to work at once, and have already invented three systems. Now I
am preparing a fourth. It is true that at first one must refute everything
that has gone before, But from the crocodile it is so easy to refute
it. Besides, it all becomes clearer seen from the inside of the crocodile.
There are some drawbacks, though small ones. In my position. However,
it is somewhat damp here and covered with a thought of slime. Moreover,
there is a smell of India rubber like the smell of my old galwashes.
That is all. There are no other drawbacks. Ivanne Medvitch, I
interrupted, Oh, this is a miracle in which I can scarcely believe.
And can you can you intend never to dine again? What trivial nonsense you
are troubling about, you thoughtless, frivolous creature. I talk to you about
great ideas, and you understand that I am sufficiently nourished by the great ideas,
which light up the darkness in which I am enveloped. The good natured
proprietor has, however, after consulting the kindly Mutta, decided with her that
they will every morning insert into the monster's jaws a bent metal tube something like
a whistle pipe, by means of which I can absorb coffee and broth with
bread soaked in it. The pipe has already been bespoken in the neighborhood.
But I think this is superfluous luxury. I hope to live at least a
thousand years. If it is true that crocodiles live so long, which,
by the way, good thing I thought of it. You had better look
up in some natural history tomorrow. And tell me, for I may have
been mistaken and have mixed it up with some excavated monster. There is only
one reflection that troubles me. As I am dressed in cloth and have boots
on. The crocodile can obviously not digest me. Besides, I am alive,
and so I am opposing the process of digestion with my whole willpower.
For you can understand that I do not wish to be turned into what all
nourishment turns into, for that would be too humiliating for words. But there
is one thing I am afraid of. In a thousand years, the cloth
of my coat, unfortunately of Russian make, may decay, and then left
without clothing, I might, perhaps, in spite of my indignation, begin
to be digested. And though by day nothing would induce me to allow it,
at night, in my sleep, when a man's will deserts him,
I may be overtaken by the humiliating destiny of a potato, or a pancake
or veal. Such an idea reduces me to fury. This alone is an
argument for the revision of the tariff and the encouragement of the importation of English
cloth, which is stronger, and so will withstand nature longer when one is
swallowed by a crocodile. At the first opportunity, I will impart this idea
to some statesman, and at the same time to the political writers on our
Petersburg dailies. Let them publish it abroad. I trust this will not be
the only idea they will borrow from me. I foresee that every morning a
regular crowd of them, provided with quarter roubles from the editorial office, will
be flocking round me to seize my ideas on the telegrams of the previous day.
In brief, the future presents itself to me in the rosiest light.
Fever Fever, I whispered to myself, My friend and freedom, I asked,
wishing to learn his views thoroughly. You are so to speak in prison
while every man has a right to the enjoyment of freedom. You are a
fool, he answered. Savages love independence, wise men love order. And
if there is no order, if my vege spare me, please hold your
tongue and listen, he squealed, vexed at my interrupting him. Never has
my spirit soorders. Now in my narrow refuge, there is only one thing
that I dread the literary criticism of the monthlies and the hiss of our satirical
papers. I am afraid that thoughtless visitors, stupid and envious people, and
nearless in general, may turn me into ridicule. But I will take measures.
I am impatiently awaiting the response of the public tomorrow, and especially the
opinion of the newspapers. You must tell me about the papers tomorrow, Very
good tomorrow. I will bring a perfect pile of papers with me tomorrow.
It is too soon to expect reports in the newspaper, for it will take
four days for it to be advertised. But from to day come to me
every evening the back way through the yard. I am intending to employ you
as my secretary. You shall read the newspapers and magazines to me, and
I will dictate to you my ideas and give you commissions. Be particularly careful
not to forget the foreign telegrams. Let all the European telegrams be here every
day. But enough, most likely you are sleepy by now. Go home,
and do not think of what I said just now about criticisms. I
am not afraid of it, for the critics themselves are in a critical position.
One has only to be wise and virtuous, and one will certainly get
on to a pedestal, If not Socrates, then Diogonies, or perhaps both
of them together. That is my future role among mankind. So frivolously and
boastfully did Ivane Medveitch hasten to express himself before me like feverish, weak old
women, who, as we have told by the proverb, cannot keep a
secret. All that he told me about the crocodile struck me as most suspicious.
How is it possible that the crocodile was absolutely hollow? I don't mind
betting that he was bragging from vanity and partly to humiliate me. It is
true that he was an invalid, and one must make allowances for invalids.
But I must frankly confess I never could endure Ivanne Metevitch. I have been
trying all my life, from a child up to escape from its tutelage,
and have not been able to. A thousand times over I have been tempted
to break with him altogether, and every time I have been drawn to him
again, as though I was still hoping to prove something to him, or
to revenge myself on him. A strange thing, this friendship. I can
positively assert that in tenths of my friendship for him was made up of malice.
On this occasion, however, we parted with genuine feeling. Your friend
is a very clever man, the German said to me in an undertone,
as he moved to see me out. He had been listening all the time,
attentively to our conversation. Apropos, I said, while I think of
it, how much would you ask for your crocodile in case anyone wanted to
buy it? Ivanne Metveitch, who heard the question, was waiting with curiosity
for the answer. It was evident that he did not want the German to
ask too little. Anyway, he cleared his throat in a peculiar way on
hearing my question. At first, the German would not listen. Was positively
angry. No one will dare my own crocodile to buy, he cried furiously
and turned as red as a boiled lobster. ME not want to sell the
crocodile. I would not for the crocodile. A minion tailor's take. I
took a hundred and thirty tailors from the public to day, and I shall
tomorrow tay in thousand take, and then a hundred thousand every day I shall
take. I will not himsell. Ivan Matveitch positively chuckled with satisfaction, controlling
myself, for I felt it was a duty to my friend. I hinted
coolly and reasonably to the crazy German that his calculations were not quite correct.
That if he makes a hundred thousand every day, Old Petersburg will have visited
him in four days, and then there will be no one left to bring
him rubles. That life and death are in God's hands, That the crocodile
may burst, or Ivanne met Via she may fall ill and die, and
so on and so on. The German grew pensive. I will him drops
from the chemist's get, he said, after pondering, and will save your
friend that he die not drops? Are all very well, I answered,
But consider too that the thing may get into the law courts. Ivan Matveich's
wife may demand the restitution of her lawful spouse. You are intending to get
rich, But do you intend to give Elena Ivanovna a pension? No me
not intend, said the German in stern decision. No we not intend,
said the Mutta with positive malignancy, and so would it not be better for
you to accept something now at once secure and solid, though moderate sum,
than to leave things to chance. I ought to tell you that I am
inquiring simply from curiosity. The German drew the Mutta aside to consult with her
in a corner where there stood a case with the largest and ugliest monkey of
his collection. Well, you will see, said Ivan Metvich. As for
me, I was at that moment burning with the desire, first to give
the German a thrashing, next to give the Mutta an even sounder one,
and thirdly to give Ivan Metvich the soundest thrashing of awe for his boundless vanity.
But all this paled beside the answer of the rapacious German. After consultation
with the Mutta, he demanded for his crocodile fifty thousand rubles in bonds of
the last Russian loan with lottery voucher attached a brick house in Gorohovy Street with
a chemists shop attached, and in addition, the rank of Russian colonel.
You see, Ivan Matveitch cried triumphantly. I told you so, apart from
the last senseless desire for the rank of a colonel. He is perfectly right,
for he fully understands the present value of the monster. He is exhibiting
the economic principle before everything. Upon my word, I cried furiously to the
German. What exploit have you performed? What service have you done? In
what way have you gained military glory? You are really crazy, crazy,
cried the German, offended. No, a person very sensible, but you
very stupid. I have a colonel deserved for that. I have a crocodile
shown and in him a live hot raft sitting. And the Russian can a
crocodile not show and a live hot raft in him sitting me extremely clever man,
and much wish gone't to be well. Good Bye. Then Ivan Metvich
I cried, shaking with fury, and I went out of the crocodile room,
almost at a run. I felt that in another minute I could not
have answered for myself. The unnatural expectations of these two blockheads were insupportable.
The gold air refreshed me and somewhat moderated my indignation. At last, after
spitting vigorously fifteen times on each side, I took a cab, got home
undressed and flung myself into bed. What vexed me more than anything was my
having become his secretary. Now I was to die of boredom there every evening,
doing the duty of a true friend. I was ready to beat myself
for it, and I did. In fact, after putting out the candle
and pulling up the bedclothes, punched myself several times on the head and various
parts of my body. That somewhat relieved me, and at last I fell
asleep, fairly soundly, in fact, for I was very tired. All
night long, I could dream of nothing but monkeys, But towards morning I
dreamt of Elena Ivanovna. Four the monkeys I dreamed about, I surmised because
they were shut up in the case at the Germans. But Elena Ivanovna was
a different story. I may as well say at once I loved the lady,
but I make haste post haste to make a qualification. I loved her
as a father, neither more nor less. I judged that because I often
felt an irresistible desire to kiss her little head or her rosy cheek. And
though I never carried out this inclination, I would not have refused even to
kiss her lips, and not merely her lips, but her teeth, which
always gleam so charmingly like two rows of pretty well matched pearls. When she
laughed, she laughed extraordinarily often if Anne Matvich in demonstrative moments used to call
her his darling Absurdity, a name extremely happy and appropriate. She was a
perfect sugar plum, and that was all one could say of her. Therefore,
I am utterly at a loss to understand what possessed Ivane Metvich to imagine
his wife as a Russian yevgeniat door. Anyway, my dream, with the
exception of the monkeys, left the most pleasant impression upon me, and going
over the incidents of the previous day, as I drank my morning cup of
tea, I resolved to go and see Elena Ivanovna at once on my way
to the office, which indeed I was bound to do as the friend of
the family. In a tiny little room out of the bedroom, the so
called little drawing room, though their big drawing room was little too, Elena
Ivanovna was sitting in some half transparent morning wrapper on a smart little sofa before
a little tea table drinking coffee out of a little cup in which she was
dipping a minute biscuit. She was ravishingly pretty, but struck me as being
at the same time rather pensive. Ah, that is you, naughty man,
she said, greeting me with an absent minded smile. Sit down,
featherhead, have some coffee. Well what were you doing yesterday? Were you
at the masquerade? Why were you? I don't go, you know,
besides, yesterday I was visiting our captive, I sighed and assumed the pious
expression as I took the coffee. Whom what captive? Oh? Yes,
poor fellow, Well how is he bored? To you know? I wanted
to ask you. I suppose I can ask for a divorce. Now,
a divorce? I cried in indignation, and almost spilled the coffee. It's
that swarthy fellow, I thought to myself bitterly. There was a certain swarthy
gentleman with little mustaches who was something in the architectural line, and who came
far too often to see them, and was extremely skillful in amusing Elena Ivanovna.
I must confess I hated him, and there was no doubt that he
had succeeded in seeing Elena Ivanovna yesterday, either at the masquerade or even here,
and putting all sorts of nonsense into her head. Why, Elena Ivanovna
rattled off hurriedly, as though it were a lessons she had learnt. If
he is going to stay on in the crocodile, perhaps not coming back all
his life while I sit here waiting for him, here asman ought to live
at home and not in a crocodile. But this was an unforeseen occurrence.
I was beginning in very comprehensible agitation. Oh no, don't talk to me.
I won't listen. I won't listen, she cried, suddenly getting quite
cross. You are always against me, you wretch. There's no doing anything
with you. You will never give me any advice. Other people tell me
that I can get a divorce because ivan Medvitch will not get his salary.
Now, Elena Ivanovna, is it you? I hear? I exclaimed pathetically.
What villain could have put such an idea into your head? And divorce
on such a trivial ground as a salary is quite impossible? And poor ivanne
Medvich, poor ivan Medvich, is so to speak, burning with love for
you, even in the bowels of the monster. What's more, he is
melting away with love like a lump of sugar. Yesterday, while you were
enjoying yourself at the masquerade, he was saying that he might, in the
last resort, send for you, as his lawful spouse, to join him
in the entrails of the monster, especially as it appears the crocodile is exceedingly
rumy, not only able to accommodate two, but even three persons. And
then I told her all that interesting part about my conversation the night before with
Ivan Medviitch. What what? She cried in surprise. You want me to
get into the monster too, to be with Ivan Medvitch? What an I
dear? And how am I to get in there? In my hat and
crinoline? Heavens, what foolishness? And what should I look like while I
was getting into it? And very lightly there would be some one there to
see me. It's absurd, And what should I have to eat there?
And and and what should I do there? When, oh my goodness,
what will they think of next? And what should I have to amuse me
there? You say, there's a smell of gutterpertuer, And what should I
do? If we quarreled, should we have to go on staying there side
by side? Foo, how horrid? I agree. I agree with all
those arguments, my sweet Elena Ivanovna. I interrupted, striving to express myself
with that natural enthusiasm which always overtakes a man when he feels the truth is
on his side. But one thing you have not appreciated in all this.
You have not realized that he cannot live without you. If he is inviting
you there. That is the proof of love, passionate, faithful, ardent
love. You have thought too little of his love. Dear Elena Ivanovna,
I won't, I won't. I won't hear anything about it, waving me
off with her pretty little hand with glistening pink nails that had just been washed
and polished. Horrid man, you will reduce me to tears. Get into
it yourself. If you like the prospect you are his friend. Get in
and keep him company and spend your life discussing some tedious science. You are
wrong to laugh at this suggestion. I checked the frivolous woman with dignity Ivanne
Medvich has invited me. As it is you, of course, are summoned
there by duty for me it would be an act of generosity. But when
ivanne Medvich described to me last night the elasticity of the crocodile, he hinted
very plainly that there would be room not only for you two, but for
me also as a friend of the family, especially if I wish to join
you. And therefore, how so the three of us, cried Elena Ivanovna,
looking at me in surprise. Why how should we are we going to
be all three there together? Oh, how silly you both are. Ah,
I shall certainly pinch you all the time you wretch, and falling back
on the sofa, she laughed till she cried. All this, the tears
and the laughter were so fascinating that I could not resist rushing eagerly to kiss
her hand, which she did not oppose, though she did pinch my ears
lightly as a sign of reconciliation. Then we both grew very cheerful, and
I described to her in detail all ivan met Vitch's plans. The thought of
her evening receptions and her salon pleased her very much. Only I should need
a great many new dresses, she observed, and so ivanne Medvitch must send
me as much of his salary as possible and as soon as possible. Only
only I don't know about that, she added thoughtfully. How can he be
brought here in the tank? That's very absurd. I don't want my husband
to be carried about in a tank. I should feel quite ashamed for my
visitors to see it. I don't want that. No, I don't.
By the way, while I think of it, was timofey Semyonitch here yesterday,
Oh, yes he was. He came to comfort me, and do
you know we played cards all the time. He played for sweetmeats, and
if I lost, he was to kiss my hands. What a wretch he
is, and only fancy he almost came to the masquerade with me. Really
he was carried away by his feelings, I observed. And who would not
be with you, you charmer? Oh, get along with your compliments.
Stay, I'll give you a pinch as a parting present. I've learned to
pinch awfully well lately. Well what do you say to that? By the
way, you say, Ivan Medvitch spoke several times of me yesterday. No,
not exactly, I must say. He is thinking more now of the
fate of humanity, and once, oh let him you needn't go on.
I am sure, it's fearfully boring. I'll go and see him sometime.
I shall certainly go to morrow, only not today. I've got a headache.
And besides, there will be such a lot of people there to day.
They'll say there's his wife, and I shall feel ashamed. Goodbye.
You will be there this evening, won't you to see him? Yes,
he asked me to go and take him the papers. That's capital. Go
and read to him, but don't come and see me today. I'm not
well, and perhaps I may go and see someone. Goodbye, you naughty
man. It's that swarthy fellow is going to see her this evening, I
thought. At the office. Of course, I gave no sign of being
consumed by these cares and anxieties. But soon I noticed some of the most
progressive papers seemed to be passing particularly rapidly from hand to hand among my colleagues,
and were being read with an extremely serious expression of face. The first
one that reached me was the New Sheet, a paper of no particular party
but humanitarian in general, for which it was regarded with contempt among us,
though it was read not without surprise. I read in it the following paragraph.
Yesterday, strange rumors were circulating among the spacious ways and sumptuous buildings of
our vast metropolis. A certain well known bon vivan of the highest society,
probably weary of the cuisine at Borel's and at the X Club, went into
the arcade, into the place where an immense crocodile recently brought to the metropolis
is being exhibited, and insisted on its being prepared for his dinner. After
bargaining with the proprietor, he at once set to work to devour him.
That is, not the proprietor, a very meek and punctilious German, but
his crocodile, cutting juicy morsels with his penknife from the living animal and swallowing
them with extraordinary rapidity. By degrees, the whole crocodile disappeared into the vase
recesses of his stomach, so that he was even on the point of attacking
an igneumon, a constant companion of the crocodile, probably imagining that the latter
would be as savory. We are, by no means opposed to that new
article of diet with which foreign gumons have long been familiar we have indeed predicted
that it would come. English lords and travelers make up regular parties for catching
crocodiles in Egypt, and consumed the back of the monster, cooked like beefsteak
with must dead onions and potatoes. The French who followed in the train of
las Sepps, prefer the pores baked in hot ashes, which they do,
however, in opposition to the English, who laugh at them. Probably both
ways would be appreciated among us. For our part, we are delighted at
a new branch of industry, of which our great and varied fatherland stands pre
eminently in need. Probably before a year is out, crocodiles will be brought
in hundreds to replace this first one lost in the stomach of a Petersburg gour
monde. And why should not the crocodile be acclimatized among us in Russia?
If the water of the Neighva is too cold for these interesting strangers, there
are ponds in the capital and rivers and lakes outside it. Why not breed
crocodiles at Pargolovo, for instance, or at Pavlovsk in the Presnensky mons and
in Samoteka in Moscow while providing agreeable, wholesome nourishment for our fastidious gour mons.
They might at the same time entertain the ladies who walk about these bonds
and instruct the children in natural history. The crocodile skin might be useful making
jewel cases, boxes, cigar cases, pocket books, and possibly more than
one thousand saved up in the greasy notes that are peculiarly beloved of the merchants
might be laid by in crocodile skin. We hope to return more than once
to this interesting topic, though I had foreseen something of the sort, yet
the reckless inaccuracy of the paragraph overwhelmed me. Finding no one with whom to
share my impression, had turned to Proha Savage, who was sitting opposite to
me, and noticed that the latter had been watching me for some time while
in his hand, and he held the voice as though he were on the
point of passing it to me. Without a word. He took the news
sheet from me, and as he handed me the voice, he drew a
line with his nail against an article to which he probably wished to call my
attention. This Prohas Savage was a very queer man at arc turn old bachelor.
He was not on intimate terms with any of us, scarcely spoke to
anyone in the office, always had an opinion of his own about everything,
but could not bear to import it to anyone. He lived alone. Hardly
anyone among us had even been in his lodging. This is what I read
in the voice. Everyone knows that we are progressive and humanitarian and want to
be on a level with Europe in this respect. But in spite of all
our exertions and the efforts of our paper, we are still far from maturity.
But in spite of all our exertions and the efforts of our paper,
we are still far from maturity. As may be judged from the shocking incident
which took place yesterday in the arcade, and which we predicted long ago,
a foreigner arrives in the capital, bringing with him a crocodile, which he
begins exhibiting in the arcade. We immediately hasten to welcome a new branch of
useful industry, such as our powerful and varied fatherland stands in great need of.
Suddenly, yesterday, at four o'clock in the afternoon, a gentleman of
exceptional stoutness enters the foreigner's shop in an intoxicated condition, pays his entrance money,
and immediately, without any warning, leaps into the jaws of the clocodile,
who was forced, of course to swallow him, if only from an
instinct of self preservation, to avoid being crushed. Tumbling into the inside of
the crocodile, the stranger at once dropped asleep. Neither the shouts of the
foreign propriety, nor the lamentations of his terrified family, nor threats to send
for the police, made the slightest impression within the crocodile was heard nothing but
laughter and a promise to flay him sick. Though the poor mammal compelled to
swallow such a mass was vainly shedding tears. An uninvited guest is worse than
a data. But in spite of the proverb, the insolent visitor would not
leave. We do not know how to explain such barbarous incidents, which prove
our lack of culture and disgrace us in the eyes of foreigners. The recklessness
of the Russian temperament has found a fresh outlet. It may be asked,
what was the object of the uninvited visitor a warm and comfortable abode. But
there are many excellent houses in the capital with very cheap and comfortable lodgings,
with the nava water laid on and the staircase lighted by gas, frequently with
the whole porter maintained by the proprietor. We would call all our readers attention
to the barbarous treatment of domestic animals. It is difficult, of course for
the crocodile to digest such a mass all at once, and now he lies
swollen out to the size of a mountain, awaiting death in insufferable agonies.
In Europe, persons guilty of inhumanity towards domestic animals have long been punished by
law. But in spite of our European enlightenment, in spite of our European
pavements, in spite of the European architecture of our houses, we are still
far from shaking off our time on a traditions. Though the houses are new,
the conventions are old, and indeed uses are not new. At least
the staircases in them are not. We have more than once in our paper
alluded to the fact that in the Petersburg side, in the House of the
merchant Lukyanov. The steps of the wooden staircase have decayed, fallen away,
and have long been a danger for Afma Skabidarov, a soldier's wife who works
in the house and is often obliged to go up the stairs with water or
armfuls of wood. At last, our predictions have come true. Yesterday evening,
at half past eight, Afimya Skapitarov fell down with a basin of soup
and broke her leg. We do not know whether Lukyanov will mend his staircase
now. Russians are often wise after the event, but the victim of Russian
carelessness has by now been taken to the hospital. In the same way,
we shall never have ceased to maintain that the house porters who clear away the
mud from the wooden pavement in the Viborski side ought not spatter the legs of
basses by, but should throw the mud into heaps, as is done in
Europe, and so on and so on. What's this? I asked,
in some perplexity, looking at Proho Savage, What's the meaning of it?
How do you mean? Why upon my word? Instead of pitying Ivan Metveitch,
they pity the crocodile. What of it? They have pity even for
a beast, a mammal. We must be up to Europe, mustn't we?
They have a very warm feeling for crocodiles. There too, saying this
queer old proho Savage dived into his papers and would not utter another word.
I stuffed the Voice and the new sheet into my pocket and collected as many
old copies of the newspaper as I could find. For Ivan Metveitch's diversion in
the evening. And though the evening was are off yet on this occasion,
I slipped away from the office early to go to the arcade and look,
if only from a distance, at what was going on there, and to
listen to the various remarks and currents of opinion. I foresaw that there would
be a regular crush there, and turned up the collar of my coat to
meet it. I somehow felt rather shy, so unaccustomed are we to publicity.
But I feel that I have no right to report my own posaic feelings
when faced with this remarkable and original incident,