WEBVTT

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This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're
listening to k I Am six forty,

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The Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app k I AM six

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forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy

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Wallsh Show. Can we talk about
the science of love? Can we talk

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about what's going on in the news
when it comes to love? Okay,

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what have I got going for you? How to pay a compliment to grow

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your love? And there's a bunch
of psychobabble that a bunch of us are

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using incorrectly. I just want to
clear it up. But before we get

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there, Producer Kayla, what are
you thinking about all the students in America

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who are out there protesting. I'm
proud of them. We're standing up for

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what they believe in. I'm just
glad they're off their phones. Yeah,

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glad they're talking to each other.
Yeah, I'm glad they're out there in

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the real world. Doesn't matter what
side anyone's on. We're not going to

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get into the content to here,
folks. I just want to say that

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it's been a long time since college
students grew a backbone and got out there

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protesting, and if this is the
thing that's doing it for them, good

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for them. I can't believe that
USC canceled their graduation. And this is

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a group of students who missed their
high school graduation in twenty twenty because of

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COVID and now this. It's really
sad. And I don't think that people

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are taught how to protest correctly because
they don't go into the details when they

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educate you about the protests that have
happened over history as far as the logistics

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of it. So people are just
trying to figure it out the best they

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can, and it's unfortunate that they
can't graduate because of it. I know

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it is a shame. But anyway, I'm having a great time watching it

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from the sidelines because you know,
I'm a little too tired to sleep in

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a tent on a college campus right
now. It's not really my time,

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but I am just applauding everyone who's
putting their voice out there. Apathy is

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dead. We used to say that
Americans were so apathetic, and no more,

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we don't say that anymore. Speaking
of Americans, there's a certain American

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who seems to be in the news
every single day because he's sitting in a

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courtroom, and that would be former
President Donald Trump. So this week I

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was called by Glamour magazine to ask
whether I thought there were some red flags

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in their marriage. Now, you
know, usually when you hear me talk

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about red flags, I'm usually talking
about a budding relationship where like a new

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attachment is kind of tenuinous and someone's
just checking each other out. So there's

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not a lot of character evidence,
right, so you look in for those

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flags. We call those the red
flags. You know. The comparison is

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that they're waived on an auto race
course, indicating that it's too dangerous to

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continue. So I always say that
I usually reserve my red flags for the

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hormones before good sense crowd. However, Milania and Donald are a little bit

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different because every single day it seems
there are red flags showing up because the

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world is speculating about the ties that
bind the former first couple. So we're

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in twenty twenty four. That means
twenty six years after Milania and Donald allegedly

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first met. I have to say
allegedly, because there's a couple of stories

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about when it actually happened, but
we know it's nineteen years after their wedding.

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So you can say that Milania is
clearly the longest running mate of Donald

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Trump, literally running meat. She's
also an enigma, right, She's not

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appearing that often. When she makes
a statement, it's usually with her fashion.

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Remember the time she wore that jacket
that said I don't care, do

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you? And she was at the
border of visiting, but she said it

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was about the media. Her voice
is relatively soft. But some people think

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that she wields a great power over
Donald Trump because she holds all his secrets

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and that she has a lot of
power. So, hey, I like

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to say, they're still on the
race course. Why don't we wave some

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red flags together? Here we go. Okay, So here's some of the

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things I dug up. It's all
on the internet. It's all out there.

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First of all, here's a red
flag. She just renegotiated her prenup.

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Now it's called a post nup,
right. She converted it to what

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is reported to be a very comfortable
post nuptial agreement that will provide a more

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solid future for she and their son
Baron should the parents go separate ways.

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Now, some people are speculating that
one of the reasons she did this is

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because she knew that he would have
to pay millions of dollars to his attorneys

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to keep his butt out of jail, and she wanted to make sure that

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some money was left over for her
and the kid. And also, you

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know, it's a big thing that
married people do. They put assets in

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the wife's name so that if people, you know, win judgments against him,

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they can't take stuff. Maybe that's
in her name. Anyway, she

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renegotiated her prenuptial agreement last fall.
That's a red flag. Here's another one.

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Did you know that the two of
them have always had separate bedrooms?

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Uh huh, right from Trump Tower
to the White House tomorrow Lago. There's

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no secret they each have their own
bedrooms. They have separate nocturnal quarters.

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And I don't know is this because
of snoring or emotional avoidance. Okay,

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here's another red flag. They're making
no public appearances together. Have you seen

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the hashtag where is Milania? Hashtag? It continued well into twenty twenty four.

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Now we do know that she mourned
the loss of her mom, who

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passed away on January ninth, so
she excused herself from public events. For

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months and months and months. But
she didn't even show up at his Super

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Tuesday election victory speech. Okay,
and that was months after her mom passed.

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Really, like, where has Melania
been in twenty twenty four? I

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should sort of add as an aside, Avanka's gone too. He's a loaner

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out there. All his work wives
are not showing up. Here's the biggest

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red flag in my mind. No
courtroom support. There's her husband. He's

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withstanding a humiliating courtroom trial about hush
money and maybe sex with a pornography actress,

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and he's going it all by himself. She has not accompanied her husband

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to any of his court appearance appearances, and there have been many different trials.

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In fact, one source told People
magazine that Milania told her quote,

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this fourth indictment is another problem for
her husband, not a problem for her.

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In other words, that's his business. But the biggest red flag is

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that black says it all. She
finally showed up last weekend, April twentieth,

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at the log Cabin Republicans fundraiser.
Let's just stop right there. Do

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you know what the log Cabin Republicans
are? Kaylet do you have any idea

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I don't know. It's the LGBTQ
Republicans. Isn't that cute log cabins.

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They used to meet out at log
cabins. Then they're ranches because they couldn't

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be in public in this way.
It was cute, the log cabin Republicans.

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So she shows up. It's at
mar a Lago she hosted. He's

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not there. It was a day
after a New York jury was finally selected

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to weigh in on Donald's criminal trial. She finally appeared. Now I want

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everyone to stop and think about this
for a moment. It's spring, It's

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palm Beach, Florida, I said, Florida, the sunshine state. In

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April. Florida is the home of
white pants. In January, and Milania

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strategically shows up in a black pants
suit. Black black black, the color

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of grieving. Makes me wonder is
she mourning the demise of her relationship?

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Remember she makes statements with her clothes. That's just weird. I've been to

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Florida in April. It's uncomfortable to
wear black, and she wore long black

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jacket, long black pants. She's
been talking without words for a while.

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Uh, and we hear her loud
and clear but people are saying, oh,

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she's for the money. Do you
know how many even richer guys are

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in the world who would treat her
so well? And I think, once

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you have somebody like Donald Trump on
your roster, more men like that want

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you because he's had you. And
it's like, oh, well, did

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I ever tell you the story?
Do I have time to tell a story?

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Okay, got a little time,
ye, you can tell us.

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So one time I was working for
Extra as a reporter and we did a

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Day in the Life of Donald Trump. So I followed him around for the

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whole day, and he flirted with
me, actually did a very nice thing.

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At the end of the day,
we were down atlant It ended in

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Atlantic City at one of his casinos, and he said, how are you

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getting back to New York? And
I said, I'm driving in the van

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with the crew. That's what we
do. And he goes, oh,

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that's silly. Let me give you
my chopper. And so he takes me

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in an elevator up to the top
of the roof with his security people,

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and suddenly my coat that I'd given
to somebody earlier on the first floor suddenly

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appears. And then a chef comes
out with a white hat and a picnic

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basket with a bottle of champagne and
lobster. And they put me in the

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back of his helicopter and he says
goodbye and he leaves, and all of

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a sudden, there I am all
by myself. And this is before social

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media. This is nineteen ninety six
ish, and I'm flying from Atlantic City

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to New York and Donald Trump's helicopter
the only passenger Sip in my champagne,

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eat in my lobster, because you
know, he knows how to treat the

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media. But here's the thing.
When he was kind of flirting with me

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and asking me questions about me,
he kept asking me who I dated and

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where I sat at Laker games,
Like it was clear to me that I

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was only of value to him if
I dated celebrities or powerful men, like

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he would want to take me away
and steal me as an object or an

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asset of another man more than just
get to know me. You know,

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remember when he was bragging in the
Access Hollywood tapes of a taking Nancy O'Dell's

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shopping and he goes and she was
married, and she was married, and

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she went shopping with me, Like
the fact that she was, in his

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mind quote quote unquote owned by another
man, raise the value because it's like

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a competitive thing for him. But
it was the weirdst I'd never flirted with

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a guy where all he wanted to
know was the names of any celebrity or

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powerful man that I dated. Kind
of weird. So anyway, she I

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think if Malaney went back on the
mating marketplace, she would have no problem

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finding Now, maybe she likes just
the limelight, and maybe she likes the

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power of the presidency. But if
he loses, if he loses, she

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set up. She got her new
post nap. She set up just saying

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all right when we come back,
do you believe in the five love languages,

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especially words of affirmation? I'm about
the buster bubble. You are listening

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to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and
I am six forty We're live everywhere on

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the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to
Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM

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six forty AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh for you. This

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He is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. This your love to tell you you're

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beautiful every day? Do you tell
them? Do you tell them how grateful

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you are for each other. Well, I think that's a good thing.

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But if you're doing it because you
believe in the five Love Languages, then

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I got some news for you.
Maybe you've heard of the book. It

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was written way back in nineteen ninety
two. The book is called The Five

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Love Languages How to Express heartfelt Commitment
to your Mate. It's a super popular

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book. It was written by Gary
Chapman, who's a Baptist minister, and

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his book basically outlines ways that lovers
can express love or experience love, and

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his theory is if we can just
learn each other's love language, then we'll

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have a better relationship. In his
book, the five so called love languages

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because he made them up that he
proposed are words of affirmation, given someone

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compliments, quality time, spending one
on one time together, physical touch,

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acts of service or like that,
and receiving gifts. Ooh, a lot

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of women like that. Bring me
gifts, Then I know you love me.

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Right. When I first met Julio, he told me that his love

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language was acts of service, And
I said, I bet you say that

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to all the girls, right,
Because people are using this stuff in common

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lexicon now it is just the way
they talk like that's their love language.

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Well, here's the bad news.
There is not a lick of scientific research

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to prove that it's real or that
it works. So many researchers have tried

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to find what we call validity and
reliability with the concept because, like,

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think about it, it sounds really
plausible, right, but remember astrology sound

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it's plausible too, And if you
believe in astrology, I'm sorry to burst

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that bubble too. There's absolutely no
research. I mean they've done research it.

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You know what. They take the
deck of astrological forecasts or descriptions of

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people based on their signs, and
they shuffle it and they hand it out

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to people and they say this is
you, and they read into it because

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it's so vague, and every time
they go, that's exactly me. Now

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it's astrologies and neither are the love
languages. Here's the worst news. Even

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when couples and they put put in
scientific experiments and told you must practice the

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love language model, you must learn
your partner's love languages and respond to it

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in their love language, research has
been completely unable to find that these couples

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are happier or even more satisfied in
their relationship than any other couple who doesn't

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do the love languages. So there
you go, like astrology. But having

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said that, I personally think that
words of affirmation, forget about the love

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language part, are just a way
to reprogram your own brain. It's a

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form of self talk. I mean, we're talking about relationship with science here,

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so positive self talk. We know
this. There's lots of research on

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this is a proven winner. It's
been shown to if you just say good

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things about yourself, for instance,
you can improve your own attention or your

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emotional regulation. There's been research to
show that you can achieve more in sports

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or academics. It can help reduce
symptoms of depression, anxiety, improve your

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mood. I mean just saying nice
things to yourself inside your head. And

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I have always said that showing appreciation, gratitude, complimenting your partner does two

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things. Really. One is those
words of affirmation I think act as a

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kind of behavioral reward system. So
in other words, if you praise somebody

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for doing something nice, they're going
to want to do more of it.

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They like getting the compliments, they
like getting thanked, they like getting prayed.

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But here's the other thing, when
you speak positive words to your partner,

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your own brain is listening. You
reaffirm your commitment to them, so

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it reminds you of why you're there, and then you feel good about your

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choice, so you like your relationship
better. You know. I often say

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that life is just a self fulfilling
prophecy anyway. And one of the things

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they do know about they being those
researchers out there about long term happy couples

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is that they continue to value each
other. They continue to speak kindly and

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wonderfully about each other. Okay,
so let's say, as just an experiment

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in your own little household, you
want to try, how to how to

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introduce you want to try. I
don't know why I'm not talking well today.

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I think as I woke up.
I woke up, kayle at five

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in the morning, just I couldn't
get back to sleep, and the birds

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were singing outside my window, and
it made me so happy that I just

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listened to them and then I got
up. That's a lovely way to wake

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up. Then by this time it's
like, okay, yeah, but it's

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kind of late to have coffee.
Okay, if you want to use more

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words of affirmation in your relationship.
Here's what you need to do. Catch

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your partner being good. Keep your
eyes open, watch for small acts,

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things that you can thank them for
right on the spot. Also find the

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smallest things. Compliment your partner frequently
on the very smallest things. They refilter

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you a cup of coffee. Oh, thanks, love, that's so sweet

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of you. They threw in a
quick load of laundry. Oh that's so

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nice. You thought that the laundry
need to be done. Thank you,

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baby. Don't wait to notice the
unexpected, compliment the expected. I know

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I have a friend who says,
but they should know and they shouldn't need

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to get some kind of reward for
just doing just what they're supposed to do.

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No. Happy relationships are about two
people feeling appreciation and gratitude for each

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other. I will say this,
don't tell lies. Be authentic, okay,

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be sincere. Allow yourself to truly
feel gratitude for your partner so you

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can make your appreciation real. There's
also research by doctors John and Julie Gotman

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at the Marriage Lab at the University
of Washington to say that if you explain

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why it benefits you, then the
gratitude means that much more. So say,

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oh my god, I was so
late for work today and I noticed

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that you put in that laundry before
I went. That's so sweet of you.

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It made my day so much easier. That sounds so much better than

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just thanks babe and running out the
door. Also touch your partner, had

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a loving touch. When we touch
our partners, we communicate in a much

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deeper way. And to hear some
things you should be saying all the time.

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You guys, I love you,
I appreciate you. You're the person

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I always wished for. I used
to say that to my kids. You're

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the daughter I always wished for.
Also support them. You've got this,

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babe, I'm on your team.
Or how about you inspire me? You're

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so smart. You make my life
so much easier. Why aren't we saying

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this more often, especially if we'd
been with somebody for a long time,

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and don't say they should know,
they should know it's been enough time.

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No. I remember I saw a
femail comedian say that. She said to

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her husband one time, how come
you never tell me you love me?

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And he said I did at our
wedding. All right, when we come

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back. How to cope with distressful
feelings. According to somebody who I fangirl

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over a lot, doctor Sigmund Freud. You are listening to the Dodor Wendy

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Wall Show and KFI AM six forty
we live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

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You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on
demand from KFI AM six forty. I

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could say to you AFI am six
forty, You've got doctor Wendy Walsh with

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you. This is the Doctor Wendy
wallsh Show. When I was in graduate

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school and I learned about that,
I call him the father of psychoanalysis,

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doctor Sigmund Freud. What was really
interesting that a lot of people didn't know

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he's a medical doctor as well,
is that back in Victorian times, women

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were going to medical doctors with unexplained
physical illnesses blindness, paralysis, bad stomachs,

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and the doctors, the medical doctors
couldn't find anything wrong, and they

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would try all the treatments and they
didn't get better. And when they'd finally

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give up, they'd say, send
her to doctor Freud, see what he

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can do, and he would lie
them on his famous couch and he would

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just allow them to talk. They
were often women at a time when women

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were very repressed. Of course,
he came up with this psychosexual theory that

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women had penis enved. We didn't
envy your penis, as guys, we

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envied your power. And so he
gave them a voice. And by letting

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them talk, and the talk they
did about abuse as children, trauma,

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sexual abuse, and and as they
were able to have this release, they

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started to get physically better. And
this is when we started to learn about

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the talking cure. The other thing
that Sigmund Freud, although you know,

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some of his stuff we can throw
today, but let's not throw out the

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baby with the bathwater. The other
important thing that he did is he came

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up with this idea or he expanded
on other ideas from others of the unconscious.

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The fact that if you can picture
an iceberg, you know, you

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always see these pictures of an iceberg
where there's a tiny little tip above the

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water and this huge mammoth thing is
underneath the sea. That's our unconscious.

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We think we're aware of everything,
but it's just a little tip at the

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top. That's our thoughts that we're
aware of. But most of our behaviors

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come from feelings that are buried underneath, and so Frey came up with this

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idea. He said, you know
what, human beings don't like uncomfortable feelings.

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We don't like to feel distress,
And so he came up with these

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things he called ego defenses. I
like to call them just defense mechanisms.

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And these are our perfect psychological strategies
designed to protect us, protect us from

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anxiety, or protect us from unacceptable
thoughts or feelings. On the other hand,

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the defenses themselves can sometimes become problematic, but they are so understood today

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that we use Freud's language in our
common language every day. For instance,

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one of the most common defense mechanisms
is denial. How often do we say

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we you're in denial. You're in
denial. You don't even realize this guy's

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a total jerk and he's harding you. You're in denial, right, we

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understand, right, So sometimes we
just bury stuff because we don't want to

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feel that anxious feeling. Another one
might be repression, right where let's say

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some was betrayed earlier in this in
life, and so later in life they

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mistrust everybody else because somebody hurt them
early on. That's repression, right,

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or projection? Heye one time I
was in graduate school and I had a

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teacher who said, Hey, today
we're going to learn about what it feels

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like to feel anger and discussed.
So what I'd like you to do,

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just to help us so you can
be aquare of your feelings, is I'd

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like you to take a piece of
paper and i'd write you write down the

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name of the person you dislike and
hate the most in life. Just write

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it at the top. You're not
gonna have to hand it in. And

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then I'd like you to write down
all the things you hate about them.

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And while you're doing that, be
aware of any physical sensations in your body,

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tightness in your chest, whatever.
We really want you to get into

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true deep anger, So write down
everything you hate about that person. And

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then after we finished doing that,
she said, all right, now,

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I'd like you to all cross off
the name at the top and write your

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own name. That is Carl Jung's
shadow. And so what Freud would say

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is that we take some of the
most uncomfortable pieces of ourself that we can't

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even accept, and we project them
onto other people projection, and we think

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about it. The person who says
that the check comes at lunch and they're

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splitting it up and they're like,
who had the soup? Now you nax

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to four dollars because you had the
soup. That is usually the most miserly

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person who criticizes the other people for
being cheap all the time is the one

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who's the cheapest. So listen to
your language. When you're gossiping about other

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people, you're really gossiping about yourself. Then Freud came up with things like

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displacement, where we take our anger
and we have a bad day, we

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don't like our work, we go
home and we yell at the kids,

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or regression. We regress sometimes to
children. Look, the other day,

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I had very few miles left on
my battery, and it was late at

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night, and I didn't want to
charge for long, so I charged just

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enough to get me to school the
next morning. And then when I got

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on the freeway that night, I
drove the wrong way on the freeway and

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the next exit was like five miles
away, and all those miles were wasted,

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and I took a full on little
tantrum at the steering wheel. That's

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regression. I totally totally regressed.
Fred said there are some healthy defense mechanisms

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like sublimation where you take your own
pain, you look for other people experiencing

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the same pain, and you go
help them out, and by helping them,

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you feel better. That's why everybody
who recovers from addiction, often not

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everybody, but many people become addiction
counselors or they sponsor other people, like

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in the Alcoholics Anonymous program. Right. Also, he said humor was really

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healthy, right, being able to
separate a little bit from our pain.

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Almost every comedian out there suffers from
depression, anxiety, all host of things,

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and humor has been the thing that
calms them down. Right. It

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creates a little separation. Maybe that's
why I like, really don't humor.

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There's one defense mechanism that I'm going
to tell you when I come back that

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my therapist used to tell me that
I used the very most. I'll explain

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when I come back. Also,
let's talk about introverts and extroverts dating each

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00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:21.759
other. It can be a little
dicey sometimes, but it can be wonderful

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too. Let's talk about it.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show

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00:25:23.799 --> 00:25:29.039
on k I AM six forty one
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio appen. You're

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00:25:29.079 --> 00:25:34.799
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand
from KFI AM six forty. KFI AM

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00:25:34.839 --> 00:25:38.079
six forty, you have Doctor Wendy
Walsh with you. This is the Doctor

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Wendy Walsh Show. You know,
I was an in and out of therapy

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for eighteen years, swear to God, like a long time. Whenever i'd

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have a crisis, I'd be back
in for a couple of years. And

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it's like a kind of reparenting,
you know, in many ways. But

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I was a smarty pants in therapy. Literally, I was busy reading psychological

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textbooks so I would have answers.
I wanted to know more than the therapist.

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And it's very common that highly intelligent
am I calling myself highly intelligent,

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that intelligence. Smarty pants people big
mouth smarty pants people use this particular Freudian

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00:26:18.200 --> 00:26:26.079
defense mechanism, and I used it
a lot. It's called rationalization. Rationalization

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is where people justify their feelings or
their behavior with seemingly logical reasons and explanations.

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And I remember having a professor once
tell me that the hardest patients to

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treat are the highly intelligent ones because
they're trying to bamboozle the therapist and be

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00:26:49.519 --> 00:26:53.359
a little bit smarter than the therapist
at all times. Rationally. Here's a

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00:26:53.400 --> 00:27:00.519
simple example of rationalization. Let's say
there's somebody who shop lifts, but they

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00:27:00.599 --> 00:27:04.200
say, but I never shoplift from
a Mom at pop store, only big

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00:27:04.240 --> 00:27:10.599
box stores that are owned by big
corporations. And actually those corporations need the

359
00:27:10.640 --> 00:27:15.400
tax deductions, they need to show
the losses. It's called I rationalization.

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00:27:17.039 --> 00:27:22.359
It's seemingly logical. It's still illegal. If we all did it, yeah,

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00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:26.079
nobody would be in business. All
right. Oh, there's one other

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Freudian defense mechanism I want to mention. That's reaction formation, when you do

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00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:34.640
actually the opposite, when you're really
like somebody but you're mean to them.

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00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:40.599
Oh yeah people, Well that's a
middle school yeah people yours? Yes,

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00:27:40.759 --> 00:27:44.279
wow, yeah, they do the
opposite weird or the other way. You're

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00:27:44.319 --> 00:27:48.720
really mad at your spouse, so
you're really warm and sweet to them because

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you've just been taught. So if
you can't say anything nicely, nothing at

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00:27:52.200 --> 00:27:55.039
else, you're just sweet. I
wish I had that. Yeah, yeah,

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00:27:55.079 --> 00:27:56.640
that's nice. No, you should
be authentic. It's okay to be

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authentic. Track these with honey,
Yeah, hey we just did in Uh,

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We're near the end of the school
year, and we were doing personality

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type last week and I had the
students take the Big Five personality test,

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which is the most sort of used
and respected personality test, and it looks

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at different aspects of your personality,
how open you are, how neurotic you

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00:28:19.920 --> 00:28:26.200
are, and so how conscientious you
are. But one of the big ones

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is introversion versus extraversion. And where
do you think I laid on that scale?

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00:28:30.559 --> 00:28:33.640
Extrovert? Yeah, ninety seven percent, Yeah I was, I was

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00:28:33.680 --> 00:28:37.519
gonna gas one hundred. Yeah,
I'm a surprised with three percents introverty.

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I actually have no secrets because nobody
can gossip about me, ever, because

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I've already told somebody the truth because
I already got loud. I think got

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00:28:45.839 --> 00:28:49.960
loud. I'm such an extrovert,
and I in the past have mostly dated

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00:28:51.160 --> 00:28:59.400
introverts, really because I like the
balance, I like an audience. But

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00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:03.839
there have been clashes, because a
true extrovert is somebody who gets their energy

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00:29:03.039 --> 00:29:07.000
around other people. They like.
They go out and then they talk and

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00:29:07.039 --> 00:29:11.759
they get animated and they socialize and
they come back feeling like, Hey,

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00:29:11.759 --> 00:29:12.720
I could stay up all night.
I have so much energy. That was

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00:29:12.720 --> 00:29:18.680
so exciting. Introverts come back from
a social situation like that and feel absolutely

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00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:23.440
drained. They get most of their
energy from being completely alone. And I

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00:29:23.480 --> 00:29:26.519
know you don't realize this, Kitlin, but I actually have a big introverted

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00:29:26.599 --> 00:29:30.599
side too. Like I do like
to be alone. I like to alone,

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00:29:30.039 --> 00:29:34.400
do creative things, just have quiet
time by me. I like that.

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But it's really important that people understand
that if you're an extrovert and you're

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00:29:41.119 --> 00:29:47.640
dating an introvert, know your person
isn't a debbie downer and just just want

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00:29:47.680 --> 00:29:52.960
to go to events. They actually
need quiet time alone. They're not abandoning

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00:29:53.000 --> 00:30:00.359
you, they're not rejecting you.
They just need their personal space, and

396
00:30:00.440 --> 00:30:04.119
you, as an extrovert, have
to learn to accept that. On the

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00:30:04.160 --> 00:30:10.359
other hand, little miss introvert as
to understand that your guy needs a party.

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00:30:10.519 --> 00:30:12.480
Everyone like literally needs. Is not
like, well, can't he just

399
00:30:12.519 --> 00:30:15.839
stay home and watch TV with me? No, you have a choice.

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If you have the energy go to
that party with them. You can be

401
00:30:19.519 --> 00:30:26.640
the wallflower and let them show off
or let them go and understand they're not

402
00:30:26.720 --> 00:30:30.559
abandoning you, they're not rejecting you. They just need that for their energy.

403
00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:34.920
But the most important thing is that
everybody talks about it, right,

404
00:30:36.039 --> 00:30:38.799
not in a way of well,
you're always going out and you're never here

405
00:30:38.839 --> 00:30:42.440
with me. How about I see
you have a need to go out and

406
00:30:42.480 --> 00:30:45.759
be with people. It's hard for
me to go out as often as you

407
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:52.480
do. How should we solve this
together? Right? Either way, Sometimes

408
00:30:52.160 --> 00:31:02.920
introverts mary introverts and they have the
most peaceful life together. I've actually sat

409
00:31:02.920 --> 00:31:07.039
at dinner tables with couples that are
both introverts, and I'm like, what

410
00:31:07.160 --> 00:31:11.559
did they talk about? Do they
ever talk? Maybe they just feel understood

411
00:31:11.559 --> 00:31:14.240
by each other because an extrovert is
going to make them feel like that talk

412
00:31:14.279 --> 00:31:15.359
what's up with you? And it's
like I was just well, I am.

413
00:31:15.519 --> 00:31:18.480
On the other hand, for the
first time in my life, I'm

414
00:31:18.480 --> 00:31:22.920
with another extrovert. Is he an
extrovert? Oh? You should see him

415
00:31:22.920 --> 00:31:26.880
at parties. Oh he is a
talker. Oh he's always in business mode

416
00:31:26.920 --> 00:31:29.039
when he's here. So yeah,
see too much of that? Yeah,

417
00:31:29.079 --> 00:31:30.160
I guess when he comes to work
with me, he helps you out and

418
00:31:30.160 --> 00:31:33.640
then he gets worked done. He's
on his emails and doing his stuff.

419
00:31:33.720 --> 00:31:36.519
Right, I don't see it,
but No. The first time we went

420
00:31:36.559 --> 00:31:40.039
out to an event together that was
like a big you know, red carpet

421
00:31:40.160 --> 00:31:42.599
kind of big, and I watched
him work the room. I was like,

422
00:31:42.839 --> 00:31:47.240
whoa, I've never seen were you
so attracted to that? I was.

423
00:31:47.279 --> 00:31:51.440
I liked it. I liked it
because I was I've always been doing

424
00:31:51.440 --> 00:31:55.000
the heavy lifting myself, because I
was the extrovert, and I'd be dragging

425
00:31:55.039 --> 00:31:59.599
these introverts. I remember one time
I was at this party and I was

426
00:31:59.640 --> 00:32:04.160
with an introvert who had trouble with
parties, and I made the mistake of

427
00:32:04.200 --> 00:32:07.880
saying because we had just gotten there
and I was having so much fun and

428
00:32:07.079 --> 00:32:08.880
I was going to go see so
and so, and he was like,

429
00:32:09.640 --> 00:32:13.200
how long are you going to stay? Like what time do you want to

430
00:32:13.359 --> 00:32:16.440
Because what he was planning in his
head is how long can I tolerate this?

431
00:32:17.240 --> 00:32:22.960
But I didn't have my compassion meter
on at that moment, so I

432
00:32:22.000 --> 00:32:24.319
wasn't able to say, oh,
I see, this is a a stressful

433
00:32:24.359 --> 00:32:28.559
situation for you. How it would
be a good amount of time that you

434
00:32:28.559 --> 00:32:30.440
think you could tolerate. Let's figure
it out together. No. No,

435
00:32:30.559 --> 00:32:32.759
I wasn't in that mood. I
already had a tequila in my hand,

436
00:32:34.119 --> 00:32:35.720
and I just looked at him and
said, look, if you need to

437
00:32:35.759 --> 00:32:39.799
go, go, and he was
totally insulted. Oh, and I was

438
00:32:39.839 --> 00:32:42.759
just like it. He got all
mad and I was just like, no,

439
00:32:42.839 --> 00:32:45.839
I'm not saying I want you to
go. I'm just saying if you

440
00:32:45.960 --> 00:32:49.480
need to go, because I need
to stay at this party. It's my

441
00:32:49.480 --> 00:32:52.079
friend's birthday. We're going to dance. There's a band. I thought you

442
00:32:52.119 --> 00:32:53.720
were just giving him a green light, like, hey, if you want

443
00:32:53.720 --> 00:32:55.720
to leave, you can leave,
you know, no pressure, And I

444
00:32:55.759 --> 00:33:00.119
would take it as a total rejection
and turned into a mini fight. I'm

445
00:33:00.119 --> 00:33:01.960
an extrovert. That's learning opportunity for
me. I thought that I'm just okay

446
00:33:01.960 --> 00:33:06.880
interesting. Yeah, I think the
words I should have said are, Oh,

447
00:33:06.920 --> 00:33:09.279
I know parties are hard for you. I'd love for you to stay,

448
00:33:09.279 --> 00:33:13.599
but if it's a little tough for
you, I'll understand if you need

449
00:33:13.640 --> 00:33:15.880
to leave early. But I just
said, if you need to go,

450
00:33:16.039 --> 00:33:20.839
go, Yes, that's what That's
what I would have said. I know.

451
00:33:21.039 --> 00:33:23.359
So do you mostly date introverts or
extroverts? Yeah, I typically date

452
00:33:23.400 --> 00:33:28.359
introverts. I like introverts. I
like yourself. But because I like to

453
00:33:28.400 --> 00:33:30.559
talk and I'll have to be listened
to. And yeah, but did you

454
00:33:30.599 --> 00:33:37.359
know that extroverts often think that introverts
are actually really smart because they're so quiet

455
00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:40.599
and observing. I thought they would
think that we're cringe because like, why

456
00:33:40.640 --> 00:33:44.240
are you doing that? Stop it? We're in public. So it's nice

457
00:33:44.240 --> 00:33:46.759
that they think that we're smart,
and they like that. And extroverts think

458
00:33:46.880 --> 00:33:52.559
that introverts think of them as being
dumb like diarrhea, mouth and whatever.

459
00:33:52.079 --> 00:33:59.039
And the truth is introverts think of
extroverts as being really dumb. Just say,

460
00:34:00.279 --> 00:34:01.160
hey, when we come back,
let's go to social media. I

461
00:34:01.240 --> 00:34:05.200
want to answer some relationship questions.
No, not yet, We're not going

462
00:34:05.240 --> 00:34:07.800
to social media. At where are
we going? We are going to talk

463
00:34:07.800 --> 00:34:12.519
about new psychobabble. Ooh that's right. I've been talking about the Freud defense

464
00:34:12.559 --> 00:34:15.280
mechanisms. Yeah, you know,
there's a bunch of psychobabble people have been

465
00:34:15.360 --> 00:34:17.440
using all the time, and they've
been using it incorrectly, Like boundaries.

466
00:34:17.480 --> 00:34:21.760
Nobody understands the real definition of boundaries. Let me explain it all when we

467
00:34:21.760 --> 00:34:24.440
come back. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM

468
00:34:24.480 --> 00:34:30.840
six forty. We're live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to

469
00:34:30.880 --> 00:34:35.360
Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI Am six forty

470
00:34:35.360 --> 00:34:39.400
from seven to nine pm on Sunday
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app