This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Half of you are
glued to the screens. I am not opening up the phone lines. You
got other stuff you're doing. That's what you're doing. So let me go
to my social media because all week long some of you leave dms for me.
Some of those dms are weird too. Not you guys, not you
guys, not by KFI listeners. There are other people around the world who
sometimes leave weird, creepy things. That's why Kayless screens in and she looks
at my dms. Anyway, if you do want to send a relationship question
in you certainly may you just go to at doctor Wendy Walsh all over my
social media and reminder I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but
I'm obsessed with the science of love, of written three books on relationships.
My dissertation was on attachment theory, and I'm old and wise. I love
to weigh in. Okay, here we go, Hey, doctor Wendy,
I know what is him adding girls he doesn't know with provocative profile pictures on
his Facebook. I had already told him that I'm not comfortable with that yet
there, he continues, So I broke up with him. Now he's begging
for forgiveness after deleting all the girls off his Facebook. Would I be dumb
to forgive him? Well, I am a big believer in second chances.
I'm also I want all the women in the world out there to understand that
when men look at pretty girls and even pornography, it's no different than you
going to get a pedicure. It really has very little meaning. Now,
the problem with social media, and especially Facebook, is that it's so personal
and you can send somebody a DM and start talking and then you got the
slippery slope. They're not just watching somebody from afar, right, So should
you give them another chance? It depends how intimate are you, I mean
emotionally intimate. How can you build trust in one way or another? Can
you? Right? So I think I'm a big believer in second chances.
I'll give them one more, one more chance and talk to Why not spend
some time talking about the meaning of this, What does it mean for you
to have these girls? I'm not judging. I just want to understand what
this experience is like for you, like, get into it, use it
as an opportunity to get closer. All right, Hi, doctor Wendy,
I'm looking to get back on dating sites. What's the best for dating and
not hookups? Well, they're all great for dating, and they're all great
for hookups. And one dating app doesn't serve just a population of hookup people.
They serve it all from people who are have open whatever, non monogamy
and polyamorous and same sex relationships and short term relationships and long term relationships and
hookups. The point is you got to go on there and be who you
are and be very clear about your boundaries stated in your profile what you're looking
for long term relationship. And if somebody is getting all, you know,
trying to get a little too forward, a little too sexy, too fast,
you know what they're there for, molong. You know, finding a
good, healthy relationship is more about relationship skills than it is about being on
the right dating app or in the right nightclub in my day, whatever,
it was, all right, moving on what we got next, Dear doctor
Wendy, I am looking for some Wendy wisdom. Uh huh, what are
your thoughts on going no contact. I feel like I can't move on for
my ex. I am one hundred percent behind going no contact. You have
to understand, back in the olden days, like the nineties, when you
broke up with somebody, you shifted your life so you wouldn't run into them,
meaning that you went to a different dry cleaners, you went to the
gym at the different time, you hung out with different friends, you did
all kinds of things so you wouldn't run into them. So why are you
guys watching each other's every move on social media? Like literally? You have
to unfollow d friend and yes, block you have to. You have to
change your phone number or block is number, whatever you need to do because
your brain can't heal if you're back and forth and back and forth and you're
triggered because you're seeing pictures of him with other girls or whatever, so or
her whatever. I don't know which gender these are. I'm just throwing it
out there. So yes, you absolutely need to go no contact for at
least a year. That's my Wendy Wisdom opinion. All right, Dear doctor
Wendy, if a guy texted you six days after your date to ask how
your week was would you even respond? Okay, let me explain him at
the time. Thing in my day, we used to say that if they
called or wrote too soon after a date, then they were being a little
too eager. If they waited too long, then they seem to not really
care. Ah, two to four days tends to be the sweet spot for
when you should check in after a first date. Six days is really pushing
it again, no matter what it is, address it. I would say,
well, I didn't hear from you all week. I was wondering why
just put it out there and then here and then see how he behaves if
he doesn't text back right like, if he text back right away, oh
my god, I'm so sorry as my mom was in the hospital and it
was really hard. And la la la la la. Good story. We'll
go with it. Fine, But if he waits four hours to get back
to you on the text now you know, six days and then four hours
to respond to you, Nope, nope, no, no, just give
him a chance. Watch, just watch and move off. Uh. Dear
doctor Wendy, would you block a guy if he stands you up the first
attempted scheduled date I forgot we had plans. Oh dear, he never texted
me, so I reminded him. So I forgot the first time. Here's
the second date attempt, and he's the one canceling. Should I give let
him take me out tomorrow? He says, he feels sick. Almost feel
like he's getting back at me forgetting the first day. You guys should stop,
don't know, don't even you forgot so obviously if you really were interested
in seeing this guy. You know what, if Taylor was interested in seeing
Travis Kelsey, She's not going to forget to show up at the first date.
So that tells me you're not so into him. Now it's the second
date and he's blowing you off, he's a little sick. Whatever. In
any case, no move on, find somebody else. You gotta find somebody
else, all right. Uh, here's another one here, doctor Wendy.
What are normal texting habits versus lack of interest in early dating? This is
the question The people who do not have a secure attachment style always ask what's
normal, what's right, how long? Etc. There's no one rule,
but it's about what feels good to you, And it also is the content
of the text. If they're talking about emotional things, if they're wanting to
actually see you. If it's just it's an endless text relationship where you don't
get together on the phone or in the real world or FaceTime, then it's
a fake, pretend relationship. So it's about the content as much as the
frequency. I would say, after you've been dating a guy, if it's
gone, you know, two or three dates, you're going to start checking
in every day or every other day. And if he's not or you're not,
then why because you're starting to get closer, right, and you should
be talking about real stuff, not just did you see that movie? You
really want to talk about your feelings and get authentic. You're listening to Doctor
Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty on this Super Bowl Sunday.
I'm sorry the Big Game all right, there you go find us. I'm
in a mistake. I didn't even know how to play the game or watch
the game, so I obviously can't say the name right. I am answering
your social media questions. If you want to send me a question, you
said me a DM Kayla checks usually Instagram and TikTok at Doctor Wendy Walsh all
right, Dear doctor Wendy. A few months ago, I gave my ex
another chance after several years apart. He apologized, he earned back my trust,
was acting super invested, and then suddenly he ended up ghosting me and
hard launching his girlfriend a few weeks later. Oooh no, she says,
I'm having a hard time coping with this and understanding why he would do this.
Okay, try not to get obsessed over the why. It is less
important. If you spend time analyzing him, you will drive yourself nuts.
You decided to give him a second chance, you learned he's a very bad
person, inauthentic. He was dating you and someone else, obviously at the
same time, and he he was haphazardly coming back to you while he was
still searching whatever it was. It wasn't ethically the right thing to do if
you're looking for a long term relationship. So now you know you need to
block him. You need to not look at any hard launched girlfriend. You
need to block de friend and follow all that stuff. And you need to
tell yourself that you are deeply lovable, that this man is below your level,
that what he did to you was cruel and unkind and wrong, and
now it's your turn to find somebody who will put you up on a pedestal
and completely love you all right now, I have a very sensitive sexual question,
dear Dodor Wendy. I've just started exploring my body and learning what I
like. Takes a long time before I feel close to orgasming, and I'm
sorry to feel defeated, like there's something wrong with me. On average,
how long does it take for you to orgasm? Do you have any suggestions
on how to get over a mental block? Well, I want to stop
everybody right there, and then I'm assuming this is a woman. I don't
know, but I'm going to go with women's sexuality. Male and female sexuality
are completely different, folks. So female sexuality, first of all, a
small percentage of women never ever ever orgasm, and then that has only to
do with their anatomy. Turns out, according to evolutionary psychologists and anthropologists,
the glitteris is one of those vestigious organs. It's just left over, like
men's nipples. Some of them are sensitive, some aren't. Some are long
enough that they go inside and you can have vaginal orgasms orgasms. Others are
short whatever. So don't I mean I think the important thing is to not
make the achievement of orgasm the most important thing. I want to say right
here. I'm not a sex therapist, and I highly recommend you do go
to sex therapist. I'm just talking from personal experience. Find pleasure, find
time you know where you're exploring each other's bodies or your own bodies, and
enjoy it. If you are putting pressure on yourself to have an orgasm,
then that's a lot. You know. There was this neuroscientist who I was
talking to recently, and he was saying that one of the reasons that women
have some women have trouble orgasming is that they can't relax because historically, anthropologically
men are bigger, stronger, and often dangerous. I think the comic Lewis
c K said something like, Yeah, men are grizzly bears and women have
to go, well, this grizzly bear looks friendly, and then they have
to go and have sex with them. Right, So it is important to
develop trust first. Having sex with strangers is one of the things that can
cause lack of orgasm or lack of pleasure. We're not meant necessarily to have
sex with strangers, so I do want to say that. Okay, one
more question, Dear doctor Wendy, do you think feeling of attraction can grow.
I've been on three dates with the sweetest guy who I genuinely enjoy hanging
out with. We have great conversation, our energies match, but I'm not
feeling the sparks. Maybe it can build, I guess looking back, the
guys I felt the spark for right away turned out to be bad for me.
Oh, you're so brilliant. Thank you for being so self aware.
For many, many people when they feel that initial chemical reaction and that arousal
right away, that less that excitement, they're walking right back to the scene
of the crime from their childhood. It's like their sexual energy takes them to
some painful place that's familiar. So yeah, if you're not used to being
with a nice guy, it's missing that roller coaster hang with it. Okay.
Oh and also this really sweet nice guys tend to be really good in
bed. Just saying so, I would say, yes, this kind of
attraction can grow. And I definitely want you to give him a chance and
learn to trust him and talk about your feelings about every thing and stick it
out. Might be really surprised you're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from
KFI AM six forty. I have a very special guest in the studio.
Before I introduce her, I want to say a few things about the journey
to self awareness. You know, on some of my social media I always
write all paths lead Well, you might end that sentence with, oh,
is she talking about God? All paths lead to God? Because people say
that all the time. I think all paths lead to consciousness, to awareness.
You know, when our very first ancient people moved evolved from being animals
to conscious, aware humanoids, there was a time of wow, I am
somebody? Who am I? How am I connected to others? What am
I feeling? What am I thinking? This is called awareness. Some of
you listening might have come from a very secure family where you were given love,
You were given the attention that you deserved, you were given words for
your feelings, and so it is hard for you to imagine that for I
don't even want to guess what percentage of people, but a good chunk,
maybe even half. I'm making this up, but maybe even half had childhoods
that were filled with sadness. Longing, abuse, criticism, and for many
of those people, they have very few memories because our brain is so powerful
it knows when to just block out stuff that's painful. When I myself entered
therapy, I don't want to say how many years ago, but I've been
in therapy on and off for ooh eighteen years. My first thing was getting
out of what I would call then my performance personality right because I worked in
television, and instead getting to authenticity, knowing that it's okay to be real
and human. And that process involved going back into my childhood with a fine
tooth comb and looking at myself in a different way, forgiving myself. You
know, children blame themselves. That's one of the reasons they block a lot
of stuff. They think it was somehow their fault. But instead I learned
that things were done to me. But that doesn't mean I couldn't forgive the
people who did those things to me, because that's part of growth and part
of becoming whole. So my next guest is the author of a book called
Hidden Memories, Discover What's blocking You from life and Love. Her name is
Melissa Osorio. Hello, Melissa, Welcome, Hi Wendy, thank you.
I'm so happy to be here. So tell me about your life. I
know you're from Venezuela. Did you grow up there your whole life? I
was there until I turned sixteen years old, and then I came to pursue
their American dream too. I moved to the US and focus on life here,
being successful, being an entrepreneur most of my life. And when you
were growing up, what was your life like? I assume you have some
childhood memories now that you can tell us what your family of origin was like.
Yeah, so I had a large family. We were five, and
we were a wealthy family, a successful that a beautiful mom. However,
we lived in a country that was deeply dangerous, so my childhood was not
a normal childhood. I was never allowed to walk on the street or ride
a bicycle. So the first time I actually walked the streets with my dog
was when I was sixteen and I moved to Miami. Wow, I know,
my boyfriend Julio calls it fortress living. Yes, one time we were
walking around Santo Dominic Domingo in Dominican Republic, and I could see these tall
walls with beautiful mansions behind. I'm like, what's behind there and a little
security guard sitting out because yeah, that's how a lot of people live in
the Caribbean. Correct. Yeah, And you know it's not only the physical
blockages that create the danger creates, but also the famili has become really enclosed.
So as so many families, is almost like you never know what's really
going on inside those houses. WHOA what a thought? Right, very enmeshed
families. So at a certain point you came to realize and how old were
you when you had this realization that you had very few childhood memories? First
of all, what did you remember about your childhood as a young adult?
So I only remember little snippets of memories, and the memories were really photos
that had seen from my family adventures and whatnot. So I knew I didn't
have memories, And I even talked to my mom about it a couple of
times and said, Mom, isn't it strange that I don't have memories?
And then we wouldn't have an explanation. We weren't really verse on mental health,
so to us it was just like, oh, we shrugged our shoulders
and moved on to another subject. And did your siblings try to fill in
the blanks. I know. I have arguments with my siblings sometimes about what
happened in our childhood because they have such different experiences and perspectives, and I'll
go, no, no, no, that didn't happen that way, right,
What were they trying to do with as far as feeling in the blank,
Well, that's an interesting part. Our house was so turbulent. However,
I wouldn't allow anyone to tell me anything about my childhood that was going
against what I wanted to believe. So I believed I had a happy childhood.
Like so many people, we believe if something bad will have happened,
I will remember it. And it's the opposite exactly. The brain protects itself
by disguising trauma. You know. This is one of the miracles of our
brain is it figures out we don't need to hold that. But here's the
thing. Sadly, those narratives disappear, but the feelings stay there. They
stay buried in the bones and they guide behavior. What behaviors did you notice
about yourself? Where you said, why did I do that? Why did
I say that? Right? And that's also so interesting that we go most
humans, we go through our lives not questioning our behaviors and our patterns.
That's who we are. We're broken, We're not good enough, we were
ashamed of ourselves. So will I notice behaviors throughout my life but never question
them? So I was completely disconnected from my emotions. I will look at
my hand and I wonder if I even loved five people, and I couldn't
tell for sure if I loved my mother, but I never questioned it.
I just thought there was something wrong with me in my marriage. I had
a steps on, beautiful, beautiful little boy, perfect little child, and
I could not love him, so that I just took it upon myself to
feel I didn't even have a maternal instant. I'm seriously broken, like what's
wrong with me as a woman. And in intimacy there were blockages as well,
like there was a disconnection between my mind and my body. So I
just felt inadequate in all areas of my life. Yeah, you know,
there are plenty of people out there, Melissa who have had sexual trauma as
children, and they can only engage in physical intimacy if they're under the influence
of alcohol or drugs as an adult because they want to let their body take
over and shut off their mind because they don't want to be triggered by something
that could have happened. So what was the very beginning of you starting to
have an awareness? So when I turned thirty three years old, I decided
to leave my marriage and I went on to a quest. I went to
Tony Robbins, which was like the beginning of my understanding and like digging deeper
into myself. But I kept on spiraling down alcohol and just destructive behaviors.
And finally, when I was thirty six years old, I reached a bottom.
I was drinking so much, I was isolating myself, and in that
bottom, I decided I needed to do something different. So I decided to
fly down to Costa Rica because I had heard some of my friends talk about
this place where they gave something a medicine to heal your hearts, and I
was heartbroken, so I figured that was a good place to start. You're
listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Her book
is called Hidden Memory. Remember that title, Hidden Memories. Discover what's blocking
you from life and love? All right? When we left your story,
you had had a wealthy, though cloistered life in Venezuela, a marriage,
problems with relationships, and connecting a lot of memories from your childhood that did
not exist. So you head down to Costa Rica in your thirties to try
this drug. Tell me about this experience. Yeah, So I went down
there and I drank a substance called ayahuasca. It's a plant medicine that has
been used for millennia for medicinal purposes. Is still not legal in the US,
but it's legal down there. And on my third ayahuasca treatment, something
happened. I started to recover my memories. And at first there came as
a flash of memories. And the interesting part, and it's so hard to
put into wards, is in that instant, every cell in my body remembered.
I carried the truth in my body and in my psyche. My brain
struggled to catch up. So the memories revealed a very troubled childhood. It
revealed thirteen years of incest of sexual abuse by my father, who had been
murdered when I was sixteen. And when a parent dies, it often replays
a pattern in a pedestal and it was heart shattering for me to start to
recover those memories. However, it gave me the chance to be literally to
die and be reborn in that instance, because I was able to reveal myself
from a place of experience and with new coping and healthy coping mechanisms, to
be able to become the person that I was always meant to be before any
of these experiences happened. So, if I understand it correctly, using this
medicine drug plant material, you were able to recover these memories because under the
influence of it, you felt safe and could tolerate them. Yeah. So
what iahuaska those is opposite in the brain trauma does. So when you're in
a traumatic episode, your fear center takes over and your rational brain and your
memory centers they kind of shut down. So these substances are doing the opposite.
They are decreasing the fear activity in your mind and reconnecting your memory with
your rational brain. So you're able to recover memories or think about past experiences
that have been really difficult with a safety net around you. But also you're
now an adult, so you're able to process these experiences differently than when you
were a little child or when you were a teenager. So once you recovered
these memories, what did you do with them? Well, at first I
was shocked, and I went on a quest for healing. So I moved
to countries around the world and drank different medicines that were helping me. Each
treatment was revealing more and more disturbing memories. And the story is all laid
out really beautifully in the book because with each treatment, even though I was
recovering memories I were traumatic that I wasn't being retraumatized by them. I was
being able to process those emotions. I were stuck in my brain and my
body before. So in this journey, I thought I was trying to save
myself, and at some point I realized that I'm not that unique. I'm
not the only person this has happened to. This is happening right now to
millions of people worldwide, if not billions of people. They're under the effects
of trauma. They cannot remember that it's really on the driver's seats of their
lives. So when I realized of all of this, I decided to put
my story in a book. I decided to put it in writing, and
at first I wrote it wishing that the twenty five year old me will have
read it, and then I realized that it will really resonate with anybody that
has gone through childhood because the severity and the nature of the trauma is not
what's important. Our traumas can be different. What's important is how we individually
process those traumas, so our ability, our age. So basically, the
way this story is laid out is so anybody can identify it, and the
main purpose of the story is for people to question their behaviors, to question
their emotions, and to question their reactions the things that they cannot explain,
for people to wake up and come out of autopilot in their lives and shift
the question from what's wrong with me to what happened to me right? And
what can I do with that experience? Now, did you do any talk
therapy and traditional psychotherapy because you speak the language of psychotherapy. I did not
do talk therapy. However, in the centers that I went to, they
have something called integration, which is you go through your experiences and then you
have group therapies, so you have therapists where you talk about your experience.
And then of course as I came home, I will be looking for the
things that resonated with my soul. So, whether it's time in nature,
meditation, yoga, physical activity, we're all looking forward for the things that
make us feel alive and at peace. And where are you now? So?
I live in San Diego, which allows me to really have a beautiful
homeplace to be in. So in my journey right now, I'm just in
the stage where I'm just so grateful that my life is completely different than what
I used to be. I love myself, I love the people around me.
I have a beautiful relationship with my steps on. And it's an honor
for me to have been able to write this book and to share it with
other people. The value of the book, This is the biggest treasure that
I bring from this journey is this book, and to be able to share
it is what brings the value to me of the book and the writings.
And how has this journey changed your ability to relate to others, your relationships?
Oh, it's changed completely from being a person that didn't have any friends
at all until I was thirty six years old, unable to love people,
to communicate, to open up to now being able to tell my entire life
story to whoever wants to read it, and being surrounded by people that love
me and my family included, like our family unit has come together because we
have learned to be more compassionate and kind within ourselves and although also with others.
So it's a full transformation of our reality in just two short years.
You know, you said something earlier and we have to go. I'm so
sorry, but the time constraints on radio. But you said something earlier,
which I wasn't sure if you misspoke, but it was brilliant. You said
for anyone who has gone through childhood, and I thought, well, maybe
she meant's gone through trauma in her childhood now. But then I realized the
very act of going from one hundred percent dependent newborn to completely independent, fully
functioning adult is a painful experience. Correct. It is one of separation from
primary attachment figures. It is one of learning how to relate to others and
become a member of a tribe. It is about learning how to face our
faults and also be proud of what we're good at and encompass all those feelings.
And it can be a painful journey. So even if there wasn't a
moment, your story is seriously traumatic. But there are other people who might
read it and go, wow, I should go on this journey to explore
my childhood. Yeah, and there is people that will read it and question
their own brains and question if there is something there that I need to look
at exactly. Thank you so much for being with us. The author is
Melissa Orsorio. The book is called Hidden Memories. I'm sure they can get
it anywhere online. Now I'm a soon in audible and I narrate it an
audible. Oh you do in your beautiful accent, lovely. It's called Hidden
Memories. Discover what's blocking you from life and love? Melissa, thanks so
much for being with us. Thank you. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy
wallsh You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app