WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:04.240 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the 2 00:00:04.320 --> 00:00:08.599 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Half of you are 3 00:00:08.640 --> 00:00:11.679 glued to the screens. I am not opening up the phone lines. You 4 00:00:11.759 --> 00:00:15.199 got other stuff you're doing. That's what you're doing. So let me go 5 00:00:15.240 --> 00:00:20.079 to my social media because all week long some of you leave dms for me. 6 00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:23.440 Some of those dms are weird too. Not you guys, not you 7 00:00:23.519 --> 00:00:27.679 guys, not by KFI listeners. There are other people around the world who 8 00:00:27.719 --> 00:00:32.119 sometimes leave weird, creepy things. That's why Kayless screens in and she looks 9 00:00:32.159 --> 00:00:36.520 at my dms. Anyway, if you do want to send a relationship question 10 00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:41.280 in you certainly may you just go to at doctor Wendy Walsh all over my 11 00:00:41.320 --> 00:00:46.719 social media and reminder I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but 12 00:00:46.759 --> 00:00:50.240 I'm obsessed with the science of love, of written three books on relationships. 13 00:00:50.719 --> 00:00:54.920 My dissertation was on attachment theory, and I'm old and wise. I love 14 00:00:55.000 --> 00:00:58.840 to weigh in. Okay, here we go, Hey, doctor Wendy, 15 00:00:59.439 --> 00:01:06.400 I know what is him adding girls he doesn't know with provocative profile pictures on 16 00:01:06.519 --> 00:01:11.000 his Facebook. I had already told him that I'm not comfortable with that yet 17 00:01:11.000 --> 00:01:14.640 there, he continues, So I broke up with him. Now he's begging 18 00:01:14.680 --> 00:01:19.400 for forgiveness after deleting all the girls off his Facebook. Would I be dumb 19 00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:23.319 to forgive him? Well, I am a big believer in second chances. 20 00:01:23.959 --> 00:01:29.400 I'm also I want all the women in the world out there to understand that 21 00:01:29.480 --> 00:01:33.959 when men look at pretty girls and even pornography, it's no different than you 22 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:36.879 going to get a pedicure. It really has very little meaning. Now, 23 00:01:36.920 --> 00:01:40.400 the problem with social media, and especially Facebook, is that it's so personal 24 00:01:40.640 --> 00:01:42.239 and you can send somebody a DM and start talking and then you got the 25 00:01:42.280 --> 00:01:49.959 slippery slope. They're not just watching somebody from afar, right, So should 26 00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:53.159 you give them another chance? It depends how intimate are you, I mean 27 00:01:53.200 --> 00:01:57.280 emotionally intimate. How can you build trust in one way or another? Can 28 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:04.200 you? Right? So I think I'm a big believer in second chances. 29 00:02:04.640 --> 00:02:07.479 I'll give them one more, one more chance and talk to Why not spend 30 00:02:07.479 --> 00:02:10.039 some time talking about the meaning of this, What does it mean for you 31 00:02:10.080 --> 00:02:13.280 to have these girls? I'm not judging. I just want to understand what 32 00:02:13.280 --> 00:02:15.280 this experience is like for you, like, get into it, use it 33 00:02:15.319 --> 00:02:21.159 as an opportunity to get closer. All right, Hi, doctor Wendy, 34 00:02:21.319 --> 00:02:24.560 I'm looking to get back on dating sites. What's the best for dating and 35 00:02:24.680 --> 00:02:30.199 not hookups? Well, they're all great for dating, and they're all great 36 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:35.800 for hookups. And one dating app doesn't serve just a population of hookup people. 37 00:02:36.159 --> 00:02:39.840 They serve it all from people who are have open whatever, non monogamy 38 00:02:39.919 --> 00:02:46.639 and polyamorous and same sex relationships and short term relationships and long term relationships and 39 00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:51.800 hookups. The point is you got to go on there and be who you 40 00:02:51.919 --> 00:02:54.840 are and be very clear about your boundaries stated in your profile what you're looking 41 00:02:54.840 --> 00:02:59.960 for long term relationship. And if somebody is getting all, you know, 42 00:03:00.639 --> 00:03:02.360 trying to get a little too forward, a little too sexy, too fast, 43 00:03:02.360 --> 00:03:07.319 you know what they're there for, molong. You know, finding a 44 00:03:07.360 --> 00:03:13.360 good, healthy relationship is more about relationship skills than it is about being on 45 00:03:13.400 --> 00:03:16.599 the right dating app or in the right nightclub in my day, whatever, 46 00:03:16.639 --> 00:03:21.800 it was, all right, moving on what we got next, Dear doctor 47 00:03:21.800 --> 00:03:25.639 Wendy, I am looking for some Wendy wisdom. Uh huh, what are 48 00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:30.400 your thoughts on going no contact. I feel like I can't move on for 49 00:03:30.520 --> 00:03:35.520 my ex. I am one hundred percent behind going no contact. You have 50 00:03:35.560 --> 00:03:38.319 to understand, back in the olden days, like the nineties, when you 51 00:03:38.360 --> 00:03:43.520 broke up with somebody, you shifted your life so you wouldn't run into them, 52 00:03:43.680 --> 00:03:46.319 meaning that you went to a different dry cleaners, you went to the 53 00:03:46.319 --> 00:03:47.879 gym at the different time, you hung out with different friends, you did 54 00:03:49.240 --> 00:03:52.039 all kinds of things so you wouldn't run into them. So why are you 55 00:03:52.080 --> 00:03:55.759 guys watching each other's every move on social media? Like literally? You have 56 00:03:55.840 --> 00:04:02.479 to unfollow d friend and yes, block you have to. You have to 57 00:04:02.560 --> 00:04:05.919 change your phone number or block is number, whatever you need to do because 58 00:04:05.960 --> 00:04:11.439 your brain can't heal if you're back and forth and back and forth and you're 59 00:04:11.479 --> 00:04:15.600 triggered because you're seeing pictures of him with other girls or whatever, so or 60 00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:18.000 her whatever. I don't know which gender these are. I'm just throwing it 61 00:04:18.040 --> 00:04:23.480 out there. So yes, you absolutely need to go no contact for at 62 00:04:23.560 --> 00:04:29.480 least a year. That's my Wendy Wisdom opinion. All right, Dear doctor 63 00:04:29.480 --> 00:04:34.360 Wendy, if a guy texted you six days after your date to ask how 64 00:04:34.399 --> 00:04:41.079 your week was would you even respond? Okay, let me explain him at 65 00:04:41.120 --> 00:04:45.720 the time. Thing in my day, we used to say that if they 66 00:04:46.240 --> 00:04:49.199 called or wrote too soon after a date, then they were being a little 67 00:04:49.199 --> 00:04:54.839 too eager. If they waited too long, then they seem to not really 68 00:04:54.879 --> 00:05:02.279 care. Ah, two to four days tends to be the sweet spot for 69 00:05:02.439 --> 00:05:08.720 when you should check in after a first date. Six days is really pushing 70 00:05:08.759 --> 00:05:14.800 it again, no matter what it is, address it. I would say, 71 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:18.199 well, I didn't hear from you all week. I was wondering why 72 00:05:19.639 --> 00:05:24.639 just put it out there and then here and then see how he behaves if 73 00:05:24.639 --> 00:05:26.920 he doesn't text back right like, if he text back right away, oh 74 00:05:26.920 --> 00:05:29.360 my god, I'm so sorry as my mom was in the hospital and it 75 00:05:29.399 --> 00:05:31.439 was really hard. And la la la la la. Good story. We'll 76 00:05:31.480 --> 00:05:34.680 go with it. Fine, But if he waits four hours to get back 77 00:05:34.720 --> 00:05:38.199 to you on the text now you know, six days and then four hours 78 00:05:38.199 --> 00:05:41.079 to respond to you, Nope, nope, no, no, just give 79 00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:44.639 him a chance. Watch, just watch and move off. Uh. Dear 80 00:05:44.680 --> 00:05:48.079 doctor Wendy, would you block a guy if he stands you up the first 81 00:05:48.079 --> 00:05:53.759 attempted scheduled date I forgot we had plans. Oh dear, he never texted 82 00:05:53.800 --> 00:05:57.160 me, so I reminded him. So I forgot the first time. Here's 83 00:05:57.199 --> 00:06:00.519 the second date attempt, and he's the one canceling. Should I give let 84 00:06:00.600 --> 00:06:03.800 him take me out tomorrow? He says, he feels sick. Almost feel 85 00:06:03.800 --> 00:06:08.120 like he's getting back at me forgetting the first day. You guys should stop, 86 00:06:08.360 --> 00:06:14.199 don't know, don't even you forgot so obviously if you really were interested 87 00:06:14.240 --> 00:06:16.759 in seeing this guy. You know what, if Taylor was interested in seeing 88 00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:20.319 Travis Kelsey, She's not going to forget to show up at the first date. 89 00:06:20.600 --> 00:06:24.600 So that tells me you're not so into him. Now it's the second 90 00:06:24.680 --> 00:06:28.079 date and he's blowing you off, he's a little sick. Whatever. In 91 00:06:28.120 --> 00:06:31.399 any case, no move on, find somebody else. You gotta find somebody 92 00:06:31.399 --> 00:06:35.839 else, all right. Uh, here's another one here, doctor Wendy. 93 00:06:36.240 --> 00:06:41.680 What are normal texting habits versus lack of interest in early dating? This is 94 00:06:41.680 --> 00:06:46.279 the question The people who do not have a secure attachment style always ask what's 95 00:06:46.360 --> 00:06:49.600 normal, what's right, how long? Etc. There's no one rule, 96 00:06:49.879 --> 00:06:54.480 but it's about what feels good to you, And it also is the content 97 00:06:54.759 --> 00:06:58.439 of the text. If they're talking about emotional things, if they're wanting to 98 00:06:58.480 --> 00:07:02.079 actually see you. If it's just it's an endless text relationship where you don't 99 00:07:02.120 --> 00:07:05.639 get together on the phone or in the real world or FaceTime, then it's 100 00:07:05.759 --> 00:07:11.720 a fake, pretend relationship. So it's about the content as much as the 101 00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:15.519 frequency. I would say, after you've been dating a guy, if it's 102 00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:18.680 gone, you know, two or three dates, you're going to start checking 103 00:07:18.759 --> 00:07:21.680 in every day or every other day. And if he's not or you're not, 104 00:07:23.040 --> 00:07:27.040 then why because you're starting to get closer, right, and you should 105 00:07:27.120 --> 00:07:30.680 be talking about real stuff, not just did you see that movie? You 106 00:07:30.720 --> 00:07:38.000 really want to talk about your feelings and get authentic. You're listening to Doctor 107 00:07:38.120 --> 00:07:44.480 Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty on this Super Bowl Sunday. 108 00:07:45.000 --> 00:07:47.759 I'm sorry the Big Game all right, there you go find us. I'm 109 00:07:47.759 --> 00:07:50.959 in a mistake. I didn't even know how to play the game or watch 110 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:56.680 the game, so I obviously can't say the name right. I am answering 111 00:07:56.720 --> 00:07:59.720 your social media questions. If you want to send me a question, you 112 00:07:59.759 --> 00:08:05.160 said me a DM Kayla checks usually Instagram and TikTok at Doctor Wendy Walsh all 113 00:08:05.240 --> 00:08:11.319 right, Dear doctor Wendy. A few months ago, I gave my ex 114 00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:16.279 another chance after several years apart. He apologized, he earned back my trust, 115 00:08:16.839 --> 00:08:22.319 was acting super invested, and then suddenly he ended up ghosting me and 116 00:08:22.519 --> 00:08:30.800 hard launching his girlfriend a few weeks later. Oooh no, she says, 117 00:08:30.920 --> 00:08:33.320 I'm having a hard time coping with this and understanding why he would do this. 118 00:08:33.639 --> 00:08:39.960 Okay, try not to get obsessed over the why. It is less 119 00:08:39.960 --> 00:08:45.200 important. If you spend time analyzing him, you will drive yourself nuts. 120 00:08:45.840 --> 00:08:50.200 You decided to give him a second chance, you learned he's a very bad 121 00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:54.000 person, inauthentic. He was dating you and someone else, obviously at the 122 00:08:54.000 --> 00:09:00.200 same time, and he he was haphazardly coming back to you while he was 123 00:09:00.240 --> 00:09:03.879 still searching whatever it was. It wasn't ethically the right thing to do if 124 00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:09.600 you're looking for a long term relationship. So now you know you need to 125 00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:11.840 block him. You need to not look at any hard launched girlfriend. You 126 00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:16.000 need to block de friend and follow all that stuff. And you need to 127 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:22.320 tell yourself that you are deeply lovable, that this man is below your level, 128 00:09:22.799 --> 00:09:26.320 that what he did to you was cruel and unkind and wrong, and 129 00:09:26.399 --> 00:09:30.960 now it's your turn to find somebody who will put you up on a pedestal 130 00:09:31.279 --> 00:09:37.440 and completely love you all right now, I have a very sensitive sexual question, 131 00:09:39.039 --> 00:09:41.799 dear Dodor Wendy. I've just started exploring my body and learning what I 132 00:09:43.000 --> 00:09:48.080 like. Takes a long time before I feel close to orgasming, and I'm 133 00:09:48.120 --> 00:09:50.000 sorry to feel defeated, like there's something wrong with me. On average, 134 00:09:50.039 --> 00:09:54.600 how long does it take for you to orgasm? Do you have any suggestions 135 00:09:54.639 --> 00:09:58.879 on how to get over a mental block? Well, I want to stop 136 00:09:58.919 --> 00:10:03.559 everybody right there, and then I'm assuming this is a woman. I don't 137 00:10:03.600 --> 00:10:07.399 know, but I'm going to go with women's sexuality. Male and female sexuality 138 00:10:07.679 --> 00:10:13.320 are completely different, folks. So female sexuality, first of all, a 139 00:10:13.399 --> 00:10:16.639 small percentage of women never ever ever orgasm, and then that has only to 140 00:10:16.679 --> 00:10:22.200 do with their anatomy. Turns out, according to evolutionary psychologists and anthropologists, 141 00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:26.120 the glitteris is one of those vestigious organs. It's just left over, like 142 00:10:26.200 --> 00:10:28.320 men's nipples. Some of them are sensitive, some aren't. Some are long 143 00:10:28.440 --> 00:10:33.120 enough that they go inside and you can have vaginal orgasms orgasms. Others are 144 00:10:33.159 --> 00:10:39.559 short whatever. So don't I mean I think the important thing is to not 145 00:10:39.879 --> 00:10:45.799 make the achievement of orgasm the most important thing. I want to say right 146 00:10:45.840 --> 00:10:48.440 here. I'm not a sex therapist, and I highly recommend you do go 147 00:10:48.480 --> 00:10:52.639 to sex therapist. I'm just talking from personal experience. Find pleasure, find 148 00:10:52.799 --> 00:10:58.200 time you know where you're exploring each other's bodies or your own bodies, and 149 00:10:58.360 --> 00:11:03.440 enjoy it. If you are putting pressure on yourself to have an orgasm, 150 00:11:03.720 --> 00:11:07.240 then that's a lot. You know. There was this neuroscientist who I was 151 00:11:07.399 --> 00:11:11.240 talking to recently, and he was saying that one of the reasons that women 152 00:11:13.080 --> 00:11:22.320 have some women have trouble orgasming is that they can't relax because historically, anthropologically 153 00:11:22.799 --> 00:11:26.879 men are bigger, stronger, and often dangerous. I think the comic Lewis 154 00:11:26.879 --> 00:11:31.679 c K said something like, Yeah, men are grizzly bears and women have 155 00:11:31.759 --> 00:11:35.559 to go, well, this grizzly bear looks friendly, and then they have 156 00:11:35.600 --> 00:11:39.360 to go and have sex with them. Right, So it is important to 157 00:11:39.440 --> 00:11:45.720 develop trust first. Having sex with strangers is one of the things that can 158 00:11:45.799 --> 00:11:50.519 cause lack of orgasm or lack of pleasure. We're not meant necessarily to have 159 00:11:50.600 --> 00:11:54.159 sex with strangers, so I do want to say that. Okay, one 160 00:11:54.279 --> 00:12:01.480 more question, Dear doctor Wendy, do you think feeling of attraction can grow. 161 00:12:01.559 --> 00:12:05.519 I've been on three dates with the sweetest guy who I genuinely enjoy hanging 162 00:12:05.559 --> 00:12:07.960 out with. We have great conversation, our energies match, but I'm not 163 00:12:09.000 --> 00:12:11.960 feeling the sparks. Maybe it can build, I guess looking back, the 164 00:12:13.000 --> 00:12:16.320 guys I felt the spark for right away turned out to be bad for me. 165 00:12:16.240 --> 00:12:20.039 Oh, you're so brilliant. Thank you for being so self aware. 166 00:12:20.399 --> 00:12:26.159 For many, many people when they feel that initial chemical reaction and that arousal 167 00:12:26.279 --> 00:12:31.320 right away, that less that excitement, they're walking right back to the scene 168 00:12:31.320 --> 00:12:35.919 of the crime from their childhood. It's like their sexual energy takes them to 169 00:12:37.000 --> 00:12:41.440 some painful place that's familiar. So yeah, if you're not used to being 170 00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:45.919 with a nice guy, it's missing that roller coaster hang with it. Okay. 171 00:12:46.279 --> 00:12:48.679 Oh and also this really sweet nice guys tend to be really good in 172 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:50.480 bed. Just saying so, I would say, yes, this kind of 173 00:12:50.480 --> 00:12:56.000 attraction can grow. And I definitely want you to give him a chance and 174 00:12:56.159 --> 00:13:01.519 learn to trust him and talk about your feelings about every thing and stick it 175 00:13:01.559 --> 00:13:07.600 out. Might be really surprised you're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from 176 00:13:07.720 --> 00:13:11.039 KFI AM six forty. I have a very special guest in the studio. 177 00:13:11.600 --> 00:13:16.519 Before I introduce her, I want to say a few things about the journey 178 00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:20.120 to self awareness. You know, on some of my social media I always 179 00:13:20.120 --> 00:13:26.919 write all paths lead Well, you might end that sentence with, oh, 180 00:13:26.000 --> 00:13:28.360 is she talking about God? All paths lead to God? Because people say 181 00:13:28.399 --> 00:13:35.000 that all the time. I think all paths lead to consciousness, to awareness. 182 00:13:35.399 --> 00:13:41.000 You know, when our very first ancient people moved evolved from being animals 183 00:13:41.039 --> 00:13:46.759 to conscious, aware humanoids, there was a time of wow, I am 184 00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:50.759 somebody? Who am I? How am I connected to others? What am 185 00:13:50.840 --> 00:13:56.519 I feeling? What am I thinking? This is called awareness. Some of 186 00:13:56.559 --> 00:14:03.639 you listening might have come from a very secure family where you were given love, 187 00:14:03.279 --> 00:14:07.159 You were given the attention that you deserved, you were given words for 188 00:14:07.240 --> 00:14:13.039 your feelings, and so it is hard for you to imagine that for I 189 00:14:13.080 --> 00:14:16.919 don't even want to guess what percentage of people, but a good chunk, 190 00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:22.120 maybe even half. I'm making this up, but maybe even half had childhoods 191 00:14:22.960 --> 00:14:28.120 that were filled with sadness. Longing, abuse, criticism, and for many 192 00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:33.440 of those people, they have very few memories because our brain is so powerful 193 00:14:33.919 --> 00:14:41.000 it knows when to just block out stuff that's painful. When I myself entered 194 00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:43.200 therapy, I don't want to say how many years ago, but I've been 195 00:14:43.240 --> 00:14:52.240 in therapy on and off for ooh eighteen years. My first thing was getting 196 00:14:52.360 --> 00:14:58.639 out of what I would call then my performance personality right because I worked in 197 00:14:58.639 --> 00:15:03.600 television, and instead getting to authenticity, knowing that it's okay to be real 198 00:15:03.960 --> 00:15:11.360 and human. And that process involved going back into my childhood with a fine 199 00:15:11.399 --> 00:15:16.480 tooth comb and looking at myself in a different way, forgiving myself. You 200 00:15:16.519 --> 00:15:18.799 know, children blame themselves. That's one of the reasons they block a lot 201 00:15:18.840 --> 00:15:24.120 of stuff. They think it was somehow their fault. But instead I learned 202 00:15:24.120 --> 00:15:28.840 that things were done to me. But that doesn't mean I couldn't forgive the 203 00:15:28.879 --> 00:15:31.320 people who did those things to me, because that's part of growth and part 204 00:15:31.399 --> 00:15:37.320 of becoming whole. So my next guest is the author of a book called 205 00:15:37.480 --> 00:15:43.320 Hidden Memories, Discover What's blocking You from life and Love. Her name is 206 00:15:43.480 --> 00:15:46.840 Melissa Osorio. Hello, Melissa, Welcome, Hi Wendy, thank you. 207 00:15:46.879 --> 00:15:50.799 I'm so happy to be here. So tell me about your life. I 208 00:15:50.799 --> 00:15:52.639 know you're from Venezuela. Did you grow up there your whole life? I 209 00:15:52.720 --> 00:15:56.840 was there until I turned sixteen years old, and then I came to pursue 210 00:15:56.879 --> 00:16:00.639 their American dream too. I moved to the US and focus on life here, 211 00:16:00.759 --> 00:16:04.679 being successful, being an entrepreneur most of my life. And when you 212 00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:07.000 were growing up, what was your life like? I assume you have some 213 00:16:07.080 --> 00:16:11.000 childhood memories now that you can tell us what your family of origin was like. 214 00:16:11.320 --> 00:16:14.360 Yeah, so I had a large family. We were five, and 215 00:16:14.639 --> 00:16:18.159 we were a wealthy family, a successful that a beautiful mom. However, 216 00:16:18.200 --> 00:16:22.919 we lived in a country that was deeply dangerous, so my childhood was not 217 00:16:22.039 --> 00:16:26.600 a normal childhood. I was never allowed to walk on the street or ride 218 00:16:26.600 --> 00:16:29.879 a bicycle. So the first time I actually walked the streets with my dog 219 00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:33.200 was when I was sixteen and I moved to Miami. Wow, I know, 220 00:16:33.320 --> 00:16:37.039 my boyfriend Julio calls it fortress living. Yes, one time we were 221 00:16:37.080 --> 00:16:41.840 walking around Santo Dominic Domingo in Dominican Republic, and I could see these tall 222 00:16:41.919 --> 00:16:45.720 walls with beautiful mansions behind. I'm like, what's behind there and a little 223 00:16:45.720 --> 00:16:48.120 security guard sitting out because yeah, that's how a lot of people live in 224 00:16:48.120 --> 00:16:52.440 the Caribbean. Correct. Yeah, And you know it's not only the physical 225 00:16:52.720 --> 00:16:57.440 blockages that create the danger creates, but also the famili has become really enclosed. 226 00:16:57.559 --> 00:17:00.720 So as so many families, is almost like you never know what's really 227 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:06.680 going on inside those houses. WHOA what a thought? Right, very enmeshed 228 00:17:06.720 --> 00:17:12.720 families. So at a certain point you came to realize and how old were 229 00:17:12.720 --> 00:17:18.240 you when you had this realization that you had very few childhood memories? First 230 00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:21.400 of all, what did you remember about your childhood as a young adult? 231 00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:26.880 So I only remember little snippets of memories, and the memories were really photos 232 00:17:26.960 --> 00:17:30.920 that had seen from my family adventures and whatnot. So I knew I didn't 233 00:17:30.920 --> 00:17:33.160 have memories, And I even talked to my mom about it a couple of 234 00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:37.319 times and said, Mom, isn't it strange that I don't have memories? 235 00:17:37.640 --> 00:17:41.680 And then we wouldn't have an explanation. We weren't really verse on mental health, 236 00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:45.160 so to us it was just like, oh, we shrugged our shoulders 237 00:17:45.160 --> 00:17:48.240 and moved on to another subject. And did your siblings try to fill in 238 00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:52.319 the blanks. I know. I have arguments with my siblings sometimes about what 239 00:17:52.359 --> 00:17:56.799 happened in our childhood because they have such different experiences and perspectives, and I'll 240 00:17:56.839 --> 00:17:59.640 go, no, no, no, that didn't happen that way, right, 241 00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:03.039 What were they trying to do with as far as feeling in the blank, 242 00:18:03.160 --> 00:18:06.799 Well, that's an interesting part. Our house was so turbulent. However, 243 00:18:07.720 --> 00:18:12.240 I wouldn't allow anyone to tell me anything about my childhood that was going 244 00:18:12.279 --> 00:18:17.119 against what I wanted to believe. So I believed I had a happy childhood. 245 00:18:17.440 --> 00:18:19.920 Like so many people, we believe if something bad will have happened, 246 00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:25.319 I will remember it. And it's the opposite exactly. The brain protects itself 247 00:18:25.640 --> 00:18:29.759 by disguising trauma. You know. This is one of the miracles of our 248 00:18:29.799 --> 00:18:33.799 brain is it figures out we don't need to hold that. But here's the 249 00:18:33.839 --> 00:18:41.200 thing. Sadly, those narratives disappear, but the feelings stay there. They 250 00:18:41.240 --> 00:18:45.720 stay buried in the bones and they guide behavior. What behaviors did you notice 251 00:18:45.720 --> 00:18:49.480 about yourself? Where you said, why did I do that? Why did 252 00:18:49.480 --> 00:18:55.559 I say that? Right? And that's also so interesting that we go most 253 00:18:55.640 --> 00:18:59.920 humans, we go through our lives not questioning our behaviors and our patterns. 254 00:19:00.240 --> 00:19:03.240 That's who we are. We're broken, We're not good enough, we were 255 00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:07.960 ashamed of ourselves. So will I notice behaviors throughout my life but never question 256 00:19:07.119 --> 00:19:11.359 them? So I was completely disconnected from my emotions. I will look at 257 00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:15.079 my hand and I wonder if I even loved five people, and I couldn't 258 00:19:15.079 --> 00:19:18.119 tell for sure if I loved my mother, but I never questioned it. 259 00:19:18.200 --> 00:19:22.319 I just thought there was something wrong with me in my marriage. I had 260 00:19:22.319 --> 00:19:26.640 a steps on, beautiful, beautiful little boy, perfect little child, and 261 00:19:26.759 --> 00:19:30.559 I could not love him, so that I just took it upon myself to 262 00:19:30.640 --> 00:19:33.880 feel I didn't even have a maternal instant. I'm seriously broken, like what's 263 00:19:33.920 --> 00:19:37.680 wrong with me as a woman. And in intimacy there were blockages as well, 264 00:19:37.960 --> 00:19:41.200 like there was a disconnection between my mind and my body. So I 265 00:19:41.279 --> 00:19:45.640 just felt inadequate in all areas of my life. Yeah, you know, 266 00:19:45.680 --> 00:19:49.160 there are plenty of people out there, Melissa who have had sexual trauma as 267 00:19:49.279 --> 00:19:55.400 children, and they can only engage in physical intimacy if they're under the influence 268 00:19:55.440 --> 00:19:57.640 of alcohol or drugs as an adult because they want to let their body take 269 00:19:57.640 --> 00:20:02.640 over and shut off their mind because they don't want to be triggered by something 270 00:20:02.640 --> 00:20:08.839 that could have happened. So what was the very beginning of you starting to 271 00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:12.799 have an awareness? So when I turned thirty three years old, I decided 272 00:20:12.799 --> 00:20:15.720 to leave my marriage and I went on to a quest. I went to 273 00:20:15.720 --> 00:20:21.000 Tony Robbins, which was like the beginning of my understanding and like digging deeper 274 00:20:21.039 --> 00:20:26.720 into myself. But I kept on spiraling down alcohol and just destructive behaviors. 275 00:20:27.160 --> 00:20:32.240 And finally, when I was thirty six years old, I reached a bottom. 276 00:20:32.599 --> 00:20:36.640 I was drinking so much, I was isolating myself, and in that 277 00:20:36.680 --> 00:20:40.799 bottom, I decided I needed to do something different. So I decided to 278 00:20:40.920 --> 00:20:44.400 fly down to Costa Rica because I had heard some of my friends talk about 279 00:20:44.400 --> 00:20:48.640 this place where they gave something a medicine to heal your hearts, and I 280 00:20:48.680 --> 00:20:52.000 was heartbroken, so I figured that was a good place to start. You're 281 00:20:52.039 --> 00:20:57.079 listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Her book 282 00:20:57.240 --> 00:21:03.599 is called Hidden Memory. Remember that title, Hidden Memories. Discover what's blocking 283 00:21:03.640 --> 00:21:07.319 you from life and love? All right? When we left your story, 284 00:21:07.720 --> 00:21:11.960 you had had a wealthy, though cloistered life in Venezuela, a marriage, 285 00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:18.759 problems with relationships, and connecting a lot of memories from your childhood that did 286 00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:22.119 not exist. So you head down to Costa Rica in your thirties to try 287 00:21:23.000 --> 00:21:26.359 this drug. Tell me about this experience. Yeah, So I went down 288 00:21:26.400 --> 00:21:30.640 there and I drank a substance called ayahuasca. It's a plant medicine that has 289 00:21:30.720 --> 00:21:34.480 been used for millennia for medicinal purposes. Is still not legal in the US, 290 00:21:34.559 --> 00:21:41.599 but it's legal down there. And on my third ayahuasca treatment, something 291 00:21:41.680 --> 00:21:45.559 happened. I started to recover my memories. And at first there came as 292 00:21:45.559 --> 00:21:51.039 a flash of memories. And the interesting part, and it's so hard to 293 00:21:51.079 --> 00:21:56.119 put into wards, is in that instant, every cell in my body remembered. 294 00:21:56.000 --> 00:22:00.519 I carried the truth in my body and in my psyche. My brain 295 00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:04.480 struggled to catch up. So the memories revealed a very troubled childhood. It 296 00:22:04.559 --> 00:22:11.279 revealed thirteen years of incest of sexual abuse by my father, who had been 297 00:22:11.400 --> 00:22:17.920 murdered when I was sixteen. And when a parent dies, it often replays 298 00:22:17.920 --> 00:22:22.680 a pattern in a pedestal and it was heart shattering for me to start to 299 00:22:22.680 --> 00:22:27.039 recover those memories. However, it gave me the chance to be literally to 300 00:22:27.160 --> 00:22:32.920 die and be reborn in that instance, because I was able to reveal myself 301 00:22:33.480 --> 00:22:37.319 from a place of experience and with new coping and healthy coping mechanisms, to 302 00:22:37.359 --> 00:22:41.519 be able to become the person that I was always meant to be before any 303 00:22:41.559 --> 00:22:48.440 of these experiences happened. So, if I understand it correctly, using this 304 00:22:48.559 --> 00:22:55.160 medicine drug plant material, you were able to recover these memories because under the 305 00:22:55.200 --> 00:22:57.640 influence of it, you felt safe and could tolerate them. Yeah. So 306 00:22:57.720 --> 00:23:03.720 what iahuaska those is opposite in the brain trauma does. So when you're in 307 00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:07.400 a traumatic episode, your fear center takes over and your rational brain and your 308 00:23:07.400 --> 00:23:12.759 memory centers they kind of shut down. So these substances are doing the opposite. 309 00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:18.400 They are decreasing the fear activity in your mind and reconnecting your memory with 310 00:23:18.440 --> 00:23:25.000 your rational brain. So you're able to recover memories or think about past experiences 311 00:23:25.039 --> 00:23:29.880 that have been really difficult with a safety net around you. But also you're 312 00:23:29.920 --> 00:23:33.559 now an adult, so you're able to process these experiences differently than when you 313 00:23:33.599 --> 00:23:37.960 were a little child or when you were a teenager. So once you recovered 314 00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:42.359 these memories, what did you do with them? Well, at first I 315 00:23:42.440 --> 00:23:47.640 was shocked, and I went on a quest for healing. So I moved 316 00:23:47.640 --> 00:23:52.000 to countries around the world and drank different medicines that were helping me. Each 317 00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:56.279 treatment was revealing more and more disturbing memories. And the story is all laid 318 00:23:56.279 --> 00:24:02.319 out really beautifully in the book because with each treatment, even though I was 319 00:24:02.519 --> 00:24:07.279 recovering memories I were traumatic that I wasn't being retraumatized by them. I was 320 00:24:07.319 --> 00:24:10.680 being able to process those emotions. I were stuck in my brain and my 321 00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:14.480 body before. So in this journey, I thought I was trying to save 322 00:24:14.599 --> 00:24:18.160 myself, and at some point I realized that I'm not that unique. I'm 323 00:24:18.160 --> 00:24:22.920 not the only person this has happened to. This is happening right now to 324 00:24:22.200 --> 00:24:26.960 millions of people worldwide, if not billions of people. They're under the effects 325 00:24:26.960 --> 00:24:30.839 of trauma. They cannot remember that it's really on the driver's seats of their 326 00:24:30.880 --> 00:24:34.920 lives. So when I realized of all of this, I decided to put 327 00:24:34.960 --> 00:24:38.799 my story in a book. I decided to put it in writing, and 328 00:24:38.880 --> 00:24:44.240 at first I wrote it wishing that the twenty five year old me will have 329 00:24:44.319 --> 00:24:48.440 read it, and then I realized that it will really resonate with anybody that 330 00:24:48.519 --> 00:24:52.759 has gone through childhood because the severity and the nature of the trauma is not 331 00:24:52.839 --> 00:24:59.440 what's important. Our traumas can be different. What's important is how we individually 332 00:24:59.519 --> 00:25:03.359 process those traumas, so our ability, our age. So basically, the 333 00:25:04.200 --> 00:25:08.480 way this story is laid out is so anybody can identify it, and the 334 00:25:08.519 --> 00:25:14.880 main purpose of the story is for people to question their behaviors, to question 335 00:25:15.039 --> 00:25:19.119 their emotions, and to question their reactions the things that they cannot explain, 336 00:25:19.480 --> 00:25:26.160 for people to wake up and come out of autopilot in their lives and shift 337 00:25:26.279 --> 00:25:30.920 the question from what's wrong with me to what happened to me right? And 338 00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.240 what can I do with that experience? Now, did you do any talk 339 00:25:34.279 --> 00:25:38.680 therapy and traditional psychotherapy because you speak the language of psychotherapy. I did not 340 00:25:38.799 --> 00:25:42.160 do talk therapy. However, in the centers that I went to, they 341 00:25:42.200 --> 00:25:47.720 have something called integration, which is you go through your experiences and then you 342 00:25:47.799 --> 00:25:52.079 have group therapies, so you have therapists where you talk about your experience. 343 00:25:52.359 --> 00:25:55.920 And then of course as I came home, I will be looking for the 344 00:25:55.960 --> 00:25:59.279 things that resonated with my soul. So, whether it's time in nature, 345 00:25:59.440 --> 00:26:03.519 meditation, yoga, physical activity, we're all looking forward for the things that 346 00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:08.279 make us feel alive and at peace. And where are you now? So? 347 00:26:08.319 --> 00:26:15.000 I live in San Diego, which allows me to really have a beautiful 348 00:26:15.680 --> 00:26:18.359 homeplace to be in. So in my journey right now, I'm just in 349 00:26:18.400 --> 00:26:23.759 the stage where I'm just so grateful that my life is completely different than what 350 00:26:23.799 --> 00:26:27.319 I used to be. I love myself, I love the people around me. 351 00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:32.839 I have a beautiful relationship with my steps on. And it's an honor 352 00:26:32.920 --> 00:26:36.720 for me to have been able to write this book and to share it with 353 00:26:36.799 --> 00:26:38.640 other people. The value of the book, This is the biggest treasure that 354 00:26:38.680 --> 00:26:42.160 I bring from this journey is this book, and to be able to share 355 00:26:42.200 --> 00:26:47.079 it is what brings the value to me of the book and the writings. 356 00:26:47.279 --> 00:26:52.240 And how has this journey changed your ability to relate to others, your relationships? 357 00:26:52.519 --> 00:26:56.359 Oh, it's changed completely from being a person that didn't have any friends 358 00:26:56.440 --> 00:27:00.680 at all until I was thirty six years old, unable to love people, 359 00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:03.799 to communicate, to open up to now being able to tell my entire life 360 00:27:03.880 --> 00:27:08.880 story to whoever wants to read it, and being surrounded by people that love 361 00:27:08.960 --> 00:27:15.759 me and my family included, like our family unit has come together because we 362 00:27:15.839 --> 00:27:22.400 have learned to be more compassionate and kind within ourselves and although also with others. 363 00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:26.960 So it's a full transformation of our reality in just two short years. 364 00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:29.920 You know, you said something earlier and we have to go. I'm so 365 00:27:29.960 --> 00:27:33.759 sorry, but the time constraints on radio. But you said something earlier, 366 00:27:33.799 --> 00:27:36.559 which I wasn't sure if you misspoke, but it was brilliant. You said 367 00:27:36.839 --> 00:27:40.160 for anyone who has gone through childhood, and I thought, well, maybe 368 00:27:40.200 --> 00:27:42.880 she meant's gone through trauma in her childhood now. But then I realized the 369 00:27:44.039 --> 00:27:49.000 very act of going from one hundred percent dependent newborn to completely independent, fully 370 00:27:49.119 --> 00:27:55.279 functioning adult is a painful experience. Correct. It is one of separation from 371 00:27:55.279 --> 00:28:00.119 primary attachment figures. It is one of learning how to relate to others and 372 00:28:00.160 --> 00:28:04.559 become a member of a tribe. It is about learning how to face our 373 00:28:04.640 --> 00:28:11.160 faults and also be proud of what we're good at and encompass all those feelings. 374 00:28:11.359 --> 00:28:14.480 And it can be a painful journey. So even if there wasn't a 375 00:28:14.559 --> 00:28:18.920 moment, your story is seriously traumatic. But there are other people who might 376 00:28:18.960 --> 00:28:22.240 read it and go, wow, I should go on this journey to explore 377 00:28:22.319 --> 00:28:26.079 my childhood. Yeah, and there is people that will read it and question 378 00:28:26.200 --> 00:28:30.480 their own brains and question if there is something there that I need to look 379 00:28:30.480 --> 00:28:33.440 at exactly. Thank you so much for being with us. The author is 380 00:28:33.519 --> 00:28:38.279 Melissa Orsorio. The book is called Hidden Memories. I'm sure they can get 381 00:28:38.319 --> 00:28:41.000 it anywhere online. Now I'm a soon in audible and I narrate it an 382 00:28:41.079 --> 00:28:45.519 audible. Oh you do in your beautiful accent, lovely. It's called Hidden 383 00:28:45.640 --> 00:28:49.480 Memories. Discover what's blocking you from life and love? Melissa, thanks so 384 00:28:49.559 --> 00:28:55.400 much for being with us. Thank you. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy 385 00:28:55.440 --> 00:28:57.920 wallsh You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to 386 00:28:59.000 --> 00:29:03.359 nine pm on Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app