This is a studio both and production. This is the season one finale of
The Karen and Ellen Letters. The Karen and Ellen Letters will return with its
second and final season on January twenty third. Warning listening to this podcast may
cause unmitigating obsession and cognitive dissonance. All names have been changed to protect the
innocent, the insane, and everyone else in between. It was January of
twenty twelve. The blog had reached its peak with approximately seventeen thousand hits per
day, and the Karen and Ellen followers were quickly becoming divided over whether it
was okay for me to be posting Karen's emails or not, and the naysayers
began levying personal attacks against me. Meanwhile, in Oakland, California, Mark
was about to visit the blog for the first time and what appeared to be
a while and the blog days were about to be over. January fourth,
twenty twelve. Josh, when I send my emails to you, do they
just show up on the block. Why haven't you emailed me back yet?
I have to go to bed soon because I have to get up tomorrow morning.
Ellen was washing the goldfish. January fifth, twenty twelve, Hi Karen,
thanks for being patient on my response. In terms of your popularity,
this blog is read by over seventeen thousand people over sixty five countries, and
many people have commented on how much they love reading your letters to Mark and
even now to me, people seem to really be drawn to your unique point
of view and persistence, and I know people would love to hear more about
those letters and what you've been up to since. I'm not sure what you
mean when you say Ellen was washing the goldfish? Can you explain? Additionally,
I live near Portland and there often. I think it would be great
if we could grab a drink or coffee next time i'm there. What do
you think? January fifth, twenty twelve. Dear Josh, your email was
very nice, but I don't understand how can all those people read it if
it's in English. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I
read a letter from Ellen from Ellen that said she was washing something in the
backyard when the man looked at her, But she was washing the goldfish.
We used to wash those goldfish, but they kept dying. Anyway, Mark
blamed us for it. He was a real jerk. We were just trying
to make it by on our own and have fun. Why would you come
out have a drink with me if you haven't even accepted my friend request.
Besides, I don't even know you are all these people paying you to read
my letters on this blog. Karen, January sixth, twenty twelve, Josh,
why do you take so long to email me back when I email you?
Also, you didn't answer my question about when I send my emails to
you, do they just end up on the block? Bye? I never
heard from Karen after that last email, And while that may seem surprising,
by the end of this episode, it may become clear why, and if
not by then, by next season you'll understand. And while I never did
accept her Facebook friend request, I often wonder what would have happened had I
if we'd even be here right now today. September tenth, nineteen eighty eight.
Dear Mark, I'm a volunteer worker with the Bush for President campaign.
They suggested that I could be of help to Bush by writing letters to people
I already knew at home, rather than working at their office. Anyway,
I'm writing to you to ask you to vote for George Bush. I've done
a lot of thinking about this election, which is my first. Anyway,
I think you should vote for Bush for these five reasons. Number one,
George Bush has six letters in his first name and four letters in his last
name, both even numbers. Michael Ducaccus has seven letters in both his first
and last names, an odd number. Of course, seven plus seven equals
fourteen, which is even, but it doesn't work that way. Number two
Bush is a Gemini, but Ducaccus is a Scorpio, and you know what
that means. Quail and Benson are both Aquarians, so that doesn't mean anything.
Number three Bush is a Republican. Number four do Caucus is a Democrat.
I'm sure that once you consider these important issues, you will vote for
George Bush, along with Karen rob and me yours Ellen. I'm sure you
remember Ellen's campaign letter. What at first was just a hilarious political exchange between
her and Mark would, upon further investigation, become possibly quite revealing and important.
You see, I've always known that there were other copies of these letters
floating around. Even Mark mentioned over the phone that I wasn't the first person
to call him looking for answers, and as I've found, everyone who's gotten
their hands on these letters has wanted a copy for themselves, so between the
Kinko's guy, my friend who gifted them to me, and my own,
there were at the very least three copies circulating. And I always assumed I
was the most dogged researcher, But it turns out, at least at first,
I was wrong. A lot had changed since I started the podcast.
At the beginning, I was certain that I knew everything there was to know
and that my theories were facts. But in the revitalization of the letters,
more people were investigating and we uncovered more information that had drastically changed everything I
thought I knew about Karen, Ellen, Rob and Mark. The first indication
came from an old archived Yahoo political forum an argument on a political forum about
the Karen and Ellen letters, dating years prior to me ever receiving them July
thirty first, nineteen ninety nine. I'm looking for people with any information on
the letters floating around regarding Karen and Rob, Ellen and Mark. They're from
the late eighties and deal with landlord Renter relationships, so related to George Bush
somehow, Catherine July thirty first, nineteen ninety nine. Since the Governor's grandfather,
the late senator from Connecticut was named Bush. It is possible that his
mother's maiden name was wouldn't it be exciting if you could find some scandal associated
with Governor Bush's fifth cousin twice removed? We are all waiting breathlessly. July
thirty first, nineteen ninety nine. On reflection, I should apologize for my
snotty comment. It was both rude and unkind. I really am sorry,
Catherine. Come on, folks, don't we need to regain some sense of
perspective? It appears that disappointed it. They're apparent inability to dredge up any
scandal associated with Governor Bush. His political opponents are now trying to find some
associated with the descendants of people who may or may not have been related to
his great grandmother. Isn't that just a little far fetched? July thirty first,
nineteen ninety nine. I liked your first post better August first, nineteen
ninety nine. Uh oh, did I just see the word scandal? August
first, nineteen ninety nine. Why not let the public decide what's important and
what Isn't you seem to want to control what the public knows or doesn't know.
If there is a scandal, as you seem to fear, and Bush
is unconnected with it. Why should having the public aware of this bother you?
If he is connected with it, shouldn't the public know? Six one,
twenty fourteen. I have a copy of the letters. Please email me
at gmail dot com. People online were speculating that Karen, or Ellen or
Rob was somehow related to the Bush family. I mean, it wasn't entirely
impossible. I guess. The letters did always allude to the girls being related
to someone with money and power. And some of the names that I've redacted
from the letters are household names, names that have appeared on Fortune five hundred
lists or in American history books. But not Rob, Karen, eleanor Mark.
Just people mentioned in the letters, people with varying alleged connections or sociations
to the girls and Rob. And quite frankly, that's the only explanation within
those letters for how either of these girls could get into UC Berkeley wealth,
power and connection. After all, you know who is referenced many times in
the later letters, And of course that begs the obvious response, I don't
know who, Please just tell me, But it also begged a less obvious
question. If there were multiple copies of these letters circulating and multiple people were
looking into these letters, what had they found that I hadn't and what were
they doing with that information. April twenty third, nineteen eighty nine, Dear
Mark, Karen is expecting a baby in June. She's pregnant. She says
that even though she still isn't speaking to you, it will be okay for
you to send her a nice baby present. Karen means expensive, you know
when she says nice. Karen says that I should tell you that you can
just send a check to her baby's trust fund, which they are setting up.
If you want to send her something other than money, Karen says,
you could give her a prepaid diaper service for two years. I tried getting
that for her myself. I called the Mother Goose Diaper service, but they
said they wouldn't do business with us. Can you imagine? Well, why
don't you try calling them? Maybe you will have better luck with them than
I did. Karen is expecting either a boy or a girl. Karen's father
has made up with Rob for the sake of the baby, which Karen's father
expects to be either a boy or a girl. Karen's father says the baby
will be a chip off the old blockhead. I'm glad that Karen's father has
made up with Rob and is now giving him some respect. He used to
think Rob was dumb or something. Can you imagine. Well, you're probably
wondering what we've been doing since I last wrote to you. Well, Karen
is expecting a baby. Rob hasn't got a job yet, and that is
causing a lot of problems for him with his parents. Rob's parents say that
everyone should work, and that rich people should work to set an example to
all the welfare chilsellers. I haven't got a job either. I try and
try and stretch my brain as far as it will stretch, but still no
job. My mother says I shouldn't worry about it. She says I should
get married and be a housewife and be happy. You see my mother's family
that have a lot of money. I hope that people living in our old
house are nice. If you are going to send Karen a baby shower gift,
you'd better hurry. The party is May fifteenth at Karen's grandmother's house.
Personally, I wish the party was someplace else. I think she doesn't like
Jews. Karen's father told me that he doesn't mind Karen's best friend being Jewish,
but he says that if Karen's grandmother knew I was Jewish, she wouldn't
let me in her house and would turn loose her attack dogs on me.
So I think she may be anti Semitic. I don't want to start a
family quarrel, so I suggested that, since my last name is that I
just tell Karen's grandmother that my name is Ellen O'Brien instead. That doesn't sound
Jewish. Well, Karen's father said that wouldn't work. He says that a
name like O'Brien would be just as bad as a Jewish name as far as
Karen's grandmother is concerned. So I use the name Ellen Smith when I see
Karen's grandmother. I told Karen's father that I don't mind pretending I'm not Jewish
when I see Karen's grandmother, but I do mind it, and Karen knows
it. Yours, Ellen, twenty eighth, nineteen eighty nine. Dear Ellen,
since Karen is not speaking to me, would you do me a favor
and convey my very sincere congratulations to Karen and rob on their expected baby.
From what you have told me, I think you are on the right in
your suspicions about Karen's grandmother. If she would really turn loose attack dogs on
you if she found out that you were Jewish, I think you should assume
she's antisemitic. I have some first hand experience in this area myself. When
I was thirteen years old, my father took me out of the Baltimore public
schools and sent me to Boys Latin School, a private school, for two
years, where he thought I would meet quote a better class of people.
Most of the students at Boys Latin were from old money wasp families. There
were only three Jews in the whole school besides myself. The school did not
admit blacks or Asians. I quickly found out why there were so few Jews
at the school. I don't want to go into the unhappy detail, so
let me just say I learned a lot about anti Semitism at Boys Latin,
and not from textbooks, but from firsthand experience. I'm telling you all this
because I learned the things from this experience from which she made profit. One
when somebody tells you that he doesn't like Jews, you should assume he means
it too. When somebody says that he doesn't like some group of people,
what he really means is hates. Three. Anti Semitism didn't die with a
third Reich, although many people believe it did. For there are a lot
of anti Semites around. Five. Not all anti Semites are obvious, that
is easily spotted. Some anti Semites are well educated, cultured, articulate,
rich, and come from well respected families. Six. Most important, some
anti Semites are dangerous, violent, brutal, and even sadistic. You cannot
usually tell just by looking at an anti Semite whether he is just talk or
whether, if given an opportunity, he will physically hurt you. It is
possible that Karen's father was just being sarcastic when he said that Karen's grandmother would
turn loose her attack dogs on you if she found out you were Jewish.
But don't bank on it. I hope you will profit from this. These
lessons were learned from experience, and that is an expensive way to learn anything.
Sincerely, Mark May Fifth, nineteen eighty nine. Dear Mark, bad
karma, bad karma, bad karma. What can anyone say but bad karma?
Very bad karma, bad karma. I showed your letter to my mother.
She says that you gave good advice. And your letter to me,
you know, I remember that once you told me that you had an unhappy
childhood. I've been thinking and thinking the sober I've been trying to think of
something really deep to say to make you feel better and improve your karma,
and I finally came up with this, Mark, No, you aren't the
only person in the world with unhappy childhood memories that you have to live with.
I also have a lot of unhappy and even painful child memories that I
have to live with too. The only difference between us is that I don't
remember any of mine yours. Ellen May eighth, nineteen eighty nine. Dear
Mark, I need your advice. My mother doesn't want me to go to
Karen's baby shower because she doesn't want me to go to the estate. You
see, I've met Karen's grandmother a few times, but I've never been to
her home. I really don't know what to do. I try to do
what's right and what my mother says, because she's usually right. But Karen
is my best friend. Karen and Rob are really my only close friends.
My mother says, I should lie to Karen and tell her that I'm sick
on the day of the shower. What do you think I'm asking you,
because my mother says you would understand how she feels. She says she was
impressed by your letter about anti Semitism. Do you remember it? Anyway?
My mother says that she doesn't like Karen's grandmother, even though she's never actually
met her or any of them. My mother says that she remembers reading about
Karen's grandmother in the Portland newspapers when she was in high school. Mother says
that Karen's grandmother used to be the head of the Portland chapter of the America
First Committee and ran another committee that tried to get Henry Ford to run for
president against Roosevelt. Also, mother says that when she was in high school,
she took part in a protest outside the estate while Karen's grandparents were having
a fundraising dinner inside for somebody named Bilbo, But she didn't get to see
Karen's grandparents because the police busted up the protest. Can you imagine my mother?
Well? Anyway, Mother says that the kids are no good and she
says that she'd be worried about my safety if I went there. You know,
the attack dog stuff, mother says. Karen's father and his family are
okay. She says they are more conservative than she is, but that they
are good people. What do you think I should do? Says she believes
this stuff about the attack dogs. I don't want to take a chance having
my friendship with Karen and Rob spoilt. But I don't want to be eaten
apart by a bunch of mean pit bullies either, Yours, Ellen, May
tenth, nineteen eighty nine. Mark, I know that I'm writing you this
letter even though I know I told you I wouldn't write to you ever again,
and I won't write you ever again. But I'm writing you this letter
to tell you I got your card, but there was no baby gift attached.
Since I'm not writing to you or talking to you even though i'm writing
you this letter, I'll have Allan write to you to remind you just send
the baby gift Karen. The day I posted that last email from Karen,
I got a voicemail from Mark. It said something to the effect of,
Josh, this is Mark. This has gone too far. Shut down the
blog and take down the letters, please. I don't want anything to do
with this. So, with pressure now from both Mark and Karen, I
finally did shut down the blog. But the thing about these letters is it's
so easy to get caught up in how ridiculous and hilarious they are, so
much so that it's just as easy to overlook some of the odd connections and
coincidences, just as I had when I finally archived that old blog May eleventh,
nineteen eighty nine. Dear Ellen, You're in a tough spot and have
a difficult choice to make. Do you risk closing the friendship of Karen or
do you risk your personal safety. I can't tell you what to do,
but I can tell you this, I wouldn't go to Missus's house for any
reason. Let me suggest a third option. Why not just tell Karen the
truth? Why not just tell her that you find it degrading to have to
pretend that you're not Jewish and that you're concerned about your personal safety. Reassure
Karen of your sincere friendship. Perhaps you might discuss this with Karen's parents too,
Perhaps you might bring your mother along with you. I'm not saying this
is what you should do, but I think you should give serious consideration to
doing the most straightforward thing. Tell them the truth. Yours, Mark,
May twenty first, nineteen eighty nine. Dear Mark, good news, the
baby shower problem is solved. The shower was last night and we all had
a great time. Just after I wrote you that last letter, my mother
called Karen's father and they had a long talk. She told him the truth
about how she felt. It was just like what you said. Well,
Karen's father decided to move the baby shower to the Portland Hilton Hotel instead of
the estate. They don't allow pit bullys in the Hilton Hotel, you know.
Well, Karen's father had a big fight with Karen's grandmother about it,
and then they argued politics. I think they are still arguing about Roosevelt,
and he's been dead for years now. Can you imagine Missus Ridd said Karen's
father's bad blood had poisoned his mind. You see, Karen's father is an
Episcopalian, just like Karen's grandmother, but his mother's mother was French and therefore
Catholic. Missus didn't want her daughter to marry him because of that, but
she went along only because they said they would alope if she didn't go along
with their marriage. Karen told me all this years ago, Missus Karen,
that if her mother was still alive, she would never have allowed Karen's father
to move the party. I'm sorry Karen's mother is dead, but I'm sure
glad the party was moved. By the way, did I already tell you
that Karen's mother died? I don't think I did. She died back in
February. It was very sad, but she had been sick for a long
time, so it wasn't a surprise when she died. Karen's father says the
Big Sea got her. Karen's grandmother says the Big Sea stands for Communism.
She says communists killed Karen's mother by putting florid in her water. But I
don't believe it, do you, yours? Ellen? I started working on
a live reading of the Karen and Ellen Letters a few months after I shut
down the blog. The letters had become such a huge hit in Seattle,
and people were constantly asking for some sort of revival, and I figure it
a local stage reading was innocuous enough. I tried to figure out how to
produce an event without charging money for it or without making money off of it.
And while I probably could have gotten away with both, it just didn't
feel right, especially with Mark and Karen seemingly upset with me. So I
decided to sell drink tickets. Unfortunately, there was no way to offset the
cost of the event with drink tickets alone, so I created a VIP package.
It would include drink tickets, front row seats, and a copy of
the Karen and Ellen letters. Looking back now, it's embarrassing how shortsighted that
plan. Was I sold enough to cover the cost of the venue. It
seemed harmless at the time. I paid the actors in cheap beer and wine.
I found Sarah Stapleton on Craigslist. Sarah Beth Pool, who played Ellen,
was a friend's sister. Jeff Powell was one of my closest friends,
and it always struck me as very Mark, the original actor who played Rob,
was also found on craigslist. I couldn't and still can't remember his name,
nor could I ever find his email address again. So when we started
the podcast, my friend Matt stepped in. The live show sold out within
twenty four hours, and the night was a huge success. But it was
also a nail and a Coffin May fifth, nineteen eighty nine, Dear Mark
Well, Karen's father and grandmother had another terrible fight over at Karen's house last
night. They were shouting at each other for almost an hour. I could
hear everything because I was in the billiard room, which is right next to
the library where they were arguing. I was playing Monopoly with Karen and Rob.
Monopoly is Karen's favorite game, but only if she wins, and she
always wins. My favorite game is far cheesy. Well, back to my
story. I wrote down a lot of the stuff they were saying to each
other so I could take it home and have my mother explain it to me.
The fight all started because doctor moved Karen's baby shower to the Hilton.
But I told you about that already. Well, things got really nasty.
Missus had kept saying, now you listen to me, frenchie when she was
talking to Karen's father. Karen's father didn't seem to like that. He called
Karen's grandmother goose stepping granny. Missus said that Karen's father was a fellow traveler,
but she didn't say who he was traveling. With Then he said that
she was a fifth columnist. Then she said that she had always known that
he was secretly taking orders from wrong. Then he said that he has always
known that she was secretly taking orders from the Gestapo. She didn't seem to
like that. Then she said that all his friends are papists, and then
he said that she was just a pea brained religious bigot. Then she said
that if he wasn't a papist, then he wouldn't always be defending the red
horror of Babylon. Then he said that was ridiculous, and that the pope
wasn't a communist and that she knew it. Then she said that she knew
nothing of the kind, and that he was defending the Catholic Church. Again,
then he said that he wasn't defending anything and that she was just an
old redneck. Then she said that her neck wasn't red, but that his
was, and so was all the rest of him. Then she kept calling
him an old bolshevik over and over. It was bad karma time all around.
Missus told him that he wouldn't be saying these things to her. Alice
that's Karen's mother was still alive. He said that was true, but that
he had been wanting to tell her off for over thirty years. Can you
imagine? He said that she was going to turn Karen into a bitter old
penny pinching skin flint like herself, and that he was going to put a
stop to it before it was too late. Well, I think Karen's father
is sorry now for saying all those nasty things to missus Wood. He's planning
a big dinner in her honor next week at his house to make up.
He says he has some big surprises for her. Won't that be nice?
Doctor says that I should tell Missus did that I'm Jewish, but not until
the dinner. He says he wants to see the expression on her face when
I tell her I'm Jewish. Won't she be surprised? Doctor says that I'm
going to sit right next to Karen's grandmother. I guess we were wrong about
her being anti Semitic. Sitting next to her. On the other side,
he has a surprise guest, Monsieur Ryan, one of his golfing buddies.
I've met Monsieur Ryan at Karen's house before, but he never seems to come
over when Karen's grandmother is visiting them. Finally they'll get to meet. Won't
that be nice? I know they'll get along together famously. They're about the
same age, and they're both leos. Monsieur Ryan has a wonderful sense of
humor, And besides, Karen's grandmother is a widower and he's unmarried. Well,
I'm getting romantic and they haven't even met yet. I'm going to try
and play matchmaker at the dinner. Well, Karen's father has one more surprise
for Missus redacted. He's going to give Monsieur Ryan a check at the dinner
for fifty thousand dollars in the name of the Good Family Trust for Caramelized Nuns
to buy food for war elephants in Lebanon, which I think is a very
good cause. A reporter and photographer from The Oregonian will wait in the next
room to take pictures of doctor and Missus said giving the check to Monsieur.
Won't Karen's grandmother be thrilled. She loves attention and it's good karma time for
everybody. Well, Karen's father says that he'll be looking forward to this dinner
and that he's really looking forward to seeing Miss's reaction to his surprises. It's
going to be so nice seeing them make up, and it will improve both.
They're Karma's. I told my mother all about this. When I got
back home and read her my notes, she had the strangest reaction. She
just started laughing and laughing, even though I didn't say anything funny. She
said that she would just love to be a fly on the wall at that
dinner. Can you imagine what a strange thing to want to be. I'd
rather be a cat than a fly. I quite like cats, you know.
Well, Mother said it would be okay for me to tell Missus that
I'm Jewish at the dinner, as long as it sat Karen's father's house and
he's there. She was laughing so hard that she spilled her tea in her
lap and dropped the teacup and broke it. It was one of her her
favorite tea cups too, part of a set which was a wedding present from
my uncle Joseph. That cup was almost two hundred years old, and Maide
and Mason, and yet she still kept laughing. I don't get it,
do you? Yours? Ellen? May twenty seventh, nineteen eighty nine.
Dear mister Mark, I am Karen's legal advisor. Karen has instructed me to
write to you to ask you to return Karen's Mermaid clock to Karen as soon
as possible. Karen has reason to believe that her clock may be extremely valuable
and Karen wants it back and closed. A page from the April sixteenth issue
of the Portland Oregonian, Karen has circled an article entitled Christine's Auction Ne's forty
two million dollars. Karen would like you to note that the statue two Mermaids
at Neptune's Throne by Selini sold at this auction for eight hundred and fifty thousand
dollars. Karen wants you to return to Seleni mermaid clock to her within the
next days. If you are not able to return Karen's clock to Karen,
Karen is one to accept your check for eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars instead.
If Karen does not receive either her clock or your check within the next
ten days, Karen has instructed me to sue you in Portland Small Claims Court
for eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Karen hopes you will pay up.
Karen would prefer not to go to court. Karen's offer is only good for
ten days, so hurry. Sincerely, Rob, Legal Adviser to Karen,
May thirtieth, nineteen eighty nine. Dear Karen, as I already stated before,
I will not respond to letters from your legal advisor, Rob, who,
in my opinion, is practicing law without a license. I do not
have the Mermaid clock, as you already know, I gave away the Mermaid
clock as abandoned worthless property after you left it, and after giving you written
notice of my intention to do so, notice to which you did not respond.
I was unable to read the newspaper article Rob sent me. The paper
fell apart as I tried to unfold it. This was due, no doubt
to the honey that had been smeared inside. However, even without having been
able to read the article, let me just say that I do not doubt
that a Cellini Mermaid sold for eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars. But your
Mermaid clock was made entirely of plastic and was battery operated. Chillini has been
dead for four hundred years. So although I freely admit that I am not
an art expert. I do know that your mermaid clock was not a genuine
chillini since Mark during the live reading, I got an email from Mark actually
during the show said something like, you're selling copies of these letters? Now,
what kind of person are you? I didn't have the heart nor gall
to correct him, because I realized it didn't matter. My instinct had always
been not to make money off of these letters that I had but were not
mine. And while I never made a cent, I had assigned to them
a monetary value. And while only about one hundred dollars ever exchanged hands,
I think it was less about the amount and more about the sense of propriety.
At the time, propriety seemed somewhat rich. Over time, it became
the philosophical question within this podcast, and eventually within most of my podcasts.
Who owns a story? When does a story become someone's story? What are
our relationships to the stories we tell and experience? How do stories change from
person to person and hand to hand, and who do those changes affect and
who's accountable. I've thought a lot about this email from Mark, about Mark
as a person, about Mark as the landlord in the Karen and Ellen letters,
in a sense I had become his present day Karen and perhaps simultaneously represented
something he didn't like in his previous behavior with those girls. Of course,
none of that negates nor minimizes my behavior, which was appalling. That final
email from Mark was the exact moment that my Karen and Ellen hysteria ended.
I felt shitty. It was the first time I actually saw Karen, Ellen,
Mark, and even Rob as real people, maybe because they started off
as characters for me they had always been characters to me. Or were they
clues or questions in some greater mystery? Were they the means to the end
that was the truth? And would the end justify those means? My relationship
with these letters has always been fluid, and once again, time would change
things. Time would change everything. June second, nineteen eighty nine, Dear
Mark, Well, that big dinner at Doctor's house last week didn't go as
well as we thought it would. Karen's grandmother wasn't as thrilled as we thought
she would be. To be perfectly honest, the dinner was really a disaster,
but you don't want to hear about all the awful details. Well,
Karen had another big fight with her father. Karen says that she wants to
educate her baby at home the way Karen, Rob and I were by Miss
Fletcher, Missus's traveling companion. Doctor says that he now thinks that was a
big mistake and that we should have gone to school with other kids instead.
Anyway, Doctor says that he won't allow Miss Fletcher to teach Karen's baby like
she taught Karen and me, and he can do that because Miss Fletcher now
works for him now that Missus is dead. Karen is also mad at her
father for another reason. Last week, he told Interstate Bank not to cash
any check from Karen over one thousand dollars without his co signature. Karen is
curious about it, as you can imagine, he's treating her like a child.
Doctor says that he's doing this because Karen lost thirty thousand dollars a few
months ago investing in a winery in Alaska that turned out to be a scam.
But that was just a bad investment that could have happened to anyone.
Well. Anyway, Karen has run away from with Rob again, although some
people say it's not really running away from home. What Karen does when she
runs away from home is she packs her clothes up in suitcases and then moves
into the Tudor guest cottage behind Doctor's house. It really isn't easy living in
the guest house in doctor backyard. I know you have to cook all your
own meals and put your own dishes in the dishwasher yourself. It's like when
she lived in your little car. It's really just like living in the woods
or something. Yours, Ellen, June fourth, nineteen eighty nine. Dear
mister Mark, I'm Karen's legal advisor. Karen is sorry to hear that you've
given away her Selini Mermaid clock. Karen wants you to send your letters to
me, Rob legal advisor to Karen. Since you've given away karen Seleini clock,
Karen expects you to pay for it. Karen wants to be fair about
this. Karen knows that two mermaids plus a Neptune's throne is worth more than
just one mermaid. So Karen has broken down the cost is below Neptune's throne
two hundred thousand dollars, one mermaid three hundred thousand dollars, another mermaid three
hundred thousand dollars. Total eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars. So Karen feels
that a fair settlement would be for you to send Karen a check for three
hundred thousand dollars. Karen's offer of letting you off the hook for three hundred
thousand dollars is a savings to you of six hundred fifty from the eight to
fifty that she is entitled to get. If I were you, I would
take this deal. Because you don't take this deal, Karen will sue you
in Portland Small Claims Court for the whole eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Think it over. Karen is being very generous with you, but this offer
is good for a limited time and is void. We're prohibited by law.
Sincerely, Raw, Legal Adviser to Karen, June fourth, nineteen eighty nine.
Dear mister Mark, I am Karen's legal advisor. Karen would like you
to send any letters to her to me, Rob, Legal Advisor to Karen.
As legal advisor to Karen, I'm required to inform you of your rights
at this time. Under the Carmen Miranda Decision one, you have the right
to remain silent. If you exercise this right, you owe my wife Karen
eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Two. You have the right to an
attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, you will owe my wife Karen
eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Three. Anything you say will be taken
down and may use its evidence against you, and then you will owe my
wife Karen eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars for sure unless I, Robert Legal
Adviser to Karen, receive a check from you right away, and my wife
Karen will file a lawsuit against you in small claims court. The filing fee
in small claims court is much lower than in other courts, and my wife
Karen doesn't just throw money away, so you better pay up now. Sincerely,
Rob, Legal Adviser to Karen, June fifth, nineteen eighty nine.
Dear Mark, Rob tells me that he sent you a letter yesterday demanding money
from you for the Mermaid clock. My Mermaid clock. I just want you
to know that I told Karen and Rob that they are wrong about that clock.
I told them that the clock is not a real Selini. Being an
artist myself, I can tell the difference Selini made beautiful things. But the
things he made were out of solid gold and silver and marble, and sometimes
with jewels stuck in them. The Mermaid clock was just plastic. Well,
of course, what can you expect these days? They just don't make things
as good as they used to, And to be perfectly honest with you,
I don't think that they ever did yours Ellen. The Karen and Ellen letters
started to feel gross to me. They became a reminder of how terrible we
can be when we're caught up in a frenzy. And once again they found
themselves in a box in a closet, quickly forgotten again for what seemed like
the last time. I moved on with my life, and so did everyone
else. The blog readers found a new Internet sensation. Sarah Stapleton and I
parted ways, only occasionally liking one another's posts on Facebook. I'd run into
Sarah Beth at events in Seattle every couple of months. I never heard from
nor saw the old Rob again, and Jeff and I returned to our weekly
happy hours. Life returned to normalcy, at least for a little while.
And then I got an email, an email I knew was trouble before I
even opened it. It was from an email address that was almost identical to
the one that I was using for the Karen and Ellen letters Josh Hallmark in
nineteen ninety four, I received a bound copy of the Karen l Letters.
You have mentioned repeatedly that your letters are handwritten. The copy I have is
typed. That's just one of the many discrepancies between the letters that appeared on
your blog last year and the letters I've had for close to twenty years.
I have some ideas there's a chance that your whole blog is a fraud.
A noble attempt, but a fraud none the less. But the more I
think about it, I think there's more to it than that. I'd also
like to know why you took the blog. I read on Reddit that Karen
is suing you. I know that's not true. I know the truth about
Karen and Rob and Mark, and I think you'd like to know too.
Email me July sixteenth, twenty thirteen. Hi, Sorry for the late response,
but as I'm sure you can imagine, I was a bit sketched out
by your email and the email address it was sent from. I'd like to
make a few things clear, First of which is I am not being sued
by Karen or anyone else for that matter, and as far as I'm aware,
the blog is not a fraud. It is the actual letters that I
received, which are in fact handwritten. I'm curious to know what other discrepancies
there are between our versions of the letters besides their format. However, I
am a bit dubious of having any sort of candid conversation with you at this
point, considering the tone of your email. I'd be more than happy to
sort through the various informations we have, but frankly not via email to some
anonymous person. Again, I would love to get to the bottom of things,
but it won't be in response to mild threats and secrecy. Thanks Josh,
June tenth, nineteen eighty nine. Dear Ellen, I'd like to know
what happened at that big dinner at Doctor's house, the dinner at which Karen's
grandmother got to meet Monsignor Ryan. Don't worry, the details won't bother me.
Also, I'm not sure I understood your last letter. Do you mean
that you never went to school and Karen and Rob never went to school either.
If that's so, how did the three of you get admitted to col
I don't mean this critically, but UCB rejects ninety percent of all applicants.
I've always assumed that UCB requires at least a high school diploma for admission.
Yours, Mark, June tenth, nineteen eighty one. Dear Karen, I
want you to stop sending me these ridiculous letters about the Mermaid clock. If
I get any more letters about this clock from you or Rob, I will
let your father know, or worse, I will snitch on you to Charlie
Worthington. I mean it too, very sincerely, Mark, June fifteenth,
nineteen eighty nine. Dear mister Marvin, I am Karen's legal advisor. Kieren
would like you to send any letters to her to me. Karen is very
upset about your last letter. Karen says that she doesn't know anyone named Charles
Worthington, and besides, how did you find out about it? Karen says
that you better not snitch to Charlie if there even is anybody by that name.
If you do, Karen is authorized for me to drop the full legal
night on you. I'll haeus corporate you. I'll move your venue so far
away that you have to do something to get it back. Don't tell Charlie
Worthington that we've been writing to you, if there even is a Charlie Worthington.
Sincerely, raw legal advisor to care. I don't know why it never
occurred to me to look into Charles Worthington until well into the production of the
original podcast. That's not his actual name, I've changed it, but I
was able to find him, and, strangely, and perhaps more than coincidentally,
in the seventies and eighties, he was an attorney for UC Berkeley.
The further I looked, the more I found that to most would seem coincidental
until you line it all up and tally all the connections. It strange the
role that Charlie Worthings has played in all of these letters and in the lives
of Karen and Rob. June fifteenth, nineteen eighty nine, Dear Mark,
Well, I told Karen that you sent your congratulations but not a gift.
Karen told me to tell you that that isn't good enough. Karen says that
she is willing to forgive you and to speak to you again, but only
if you do these four things. First, apologize, send her a really
nice baby gift and send her the thirty seven thousand, one hundred and fifty
two dollars and fourteen cents. Karen says, you owe her. I don't
know how Karen came up with that figure, but I'm sure she's right.
Karen is very good at math and is very practical. I'm not because I'm
an artist. Well, Rob is still looking for a job. His great
uncle says Rob should join the coast Guard. That way, Rob wouldn't be
away from Karen for a long time, like if he was in the navy.
Well, Karen is very much against that idea. She's still mad at
the coast Guard. Did I ever tell you about it? You see,
when I was just a little girl, about thirteen and Karen was twelve,
we used to call the coast Guard every week at the Coastguard station in Astoria,
that's west of Portland. I've never been to Astoria myself, but Karen's
grandmother says that she used to go there all the time when she was a
little girl to visit friends of her parents. She says Astoria used to be
really nice. Now she doesn't know anybody in Astoria and doesn't go there anymore.
Well, anyway, let me get back to my story. So we
used to call the Coastguard station at Astoria every week to give them tips on
how they could find Gilligan and his friends. Remember we were just kids then
and didn't realize it was just a TV show. I just wanted to do
something good, and Karen wanted the reward she figured she'd get. You see,
one of the castaways was a rich millionaire and his wife a movie star,
and the rest all on Gilligan's island. When when he was fifteen,
Rob used to pray for the rescue of Gilligan and his friends. Of course,
he doesn't do that anymore now. Rob is a mature adult and Karen
and I are mature adulteresses. Well, after a while, the Coastguard called
our parents and they yielded us. Karen has never forgiven the Coastguard for snitching
on us, and they never gave her any reward either. Can you imagine
yours? Ellen? June seventeenth, nineteen eighty nine. Dear Karen, in
my last letter to you, I told you that if you didn't stop this
Mermaid clock nonsense, I would tell your father on you or snitch you out
to Charlie Worthington. I also told you in that same letter, as I
have told you before, that I will not respond to letters from your legal
advisor RAB. Today I received a notice from the Portland District Court that you
have filed a lawsuit against me in Moltnoma County Small Courts for over one million
dollars. If your ASATs lawyer Rob knew anything about the law, he would
know that one million is well in excess of the statutory limit for small claims
court judgments anywhere in the US. Also, there are irresolvable jurisdictional problems with
this lawsuit, but I know better than to try to expend play jurisdiction to
you or RAW. I have never been to Oregon. I do not intend
to travel eight hundred miles to Portland in order to defend myself against these preposterous
charges. So I have decided instead to put an end to this absurd lawsuit
by taking the most expedient action. I am going to snitch on you to
Charlie Worthington. I called mister Worthington's office to day, but he had already
left through the weekend. As soon as he returns Monday, I will snitch
on you. Then. I am writing to you because I don't want you
to think that I am doing this behind your back. Please remember I did
give you fair wark very since June twenty fourth, nineteen eighty nine. Dear
Mark, You know it always surprises me how many stupid people there are in
this world. Now you take today's newspaper for example, I haven't closed a
copy of this article. Well, they had this big trial in Georgia.
It took months and months and months, but in the end they found the
defendant, Congressman Swindle, guilty of perjury. Now I figured that anyone with
half a brain would just know that a man named Swindle is a liar and
a crook, even if he is a Republican. I mean, how obvious
can you get? But it's like Karen always says, I shouldn't expect that
everyone in the world is as smart as I am. Well, anyway,
that brings me to the reason I'm writing you this letter. Karen and Rob
don't know that I'm writing this letter to young Please don't tell them, as
you already know. I think that their lawsuit against you is silly, that
clock isn't a real Selini and I've told them so. Seleni didn't make stuff
at a plastic And besides, it wasn't their clock, it was mine.
But anyway, back to my story, Charlie Worthington called Rob's folks and showed
them the letters you sent. Charlie. Then Rob's father yelled at both of
them, good, well, if you will just keep quiet, Charlie will
see to it that this lawsuit is dropped immediately, and he'll see to it
that they never sue you again. Just please don't tell the newspapers. We
just have to keep the good name out of the newspapers because of you know
who. It's real important to them that their family isn't mentioned in the newspapers.
You probably don't know it, but it costs Rob's family a lot of
money to hush up the Christmas Tree Farm accident last year and to make sure
that there wasn't any public investigation, and to pay off the owner of the
Christmas Tree Farm so he didn't sue Rob. Did I ever tell you about
that accident? That was also to protect you know who? Three years ago,
my uncle Henry's pickle factory burned down. Did I ever tell you about
it confidentially. It wasn't me who did it, it was Rob. I
took the blame just to keep the name out of the papers then, because
of you know who. Even my uncle Henry doesn't know the truth about that
accident. He doesn't even know that Rob was there when it happened. I
took the blame then to protect you know who. Well, anyway, please
just be a little patient. Charlie will get the suit dropped quietly if you'll
just go along. Please don't tell Karen or Rob that I sent you this
clutter yours Ellen. A few days after the first episode of the original podcast
aired, Jeff, who plays Mark, contacted me to ask why I hadn't
sent him all of the letters. I was confused by this because I had.
And that's when he showed me a letter I'd never seen before, a
letter that was not in my bound to copy, a letter from Ellen,
a letter regarding free firewood. He told me there were more, and when
he told me where to find them, I was shocked to see that there
were more, dozens more. There were letters about the firewood, about appliances,
about the fish. There were letters that date well after the letters that
I have in my bound collection. It was an exciting and confusing moment.
Why had these letters been held back? Why hadn't they made it into my
bound collection? Who else had these letters and what exactly did their existence mean.
June twenty sixth, nineteen eighty nine. Dear mister Tanzen, I am
Karen's legal advisor. My wife Karen would like you to send any letters to
her to me, Rob legal adviser to Karen. Yesterday, my wife Karen
and I had a meeting with Charlie Worthington in his office. As soon as
my wife Karen and I walked into Charlie's office, my wife Karen and I
knew that you had snitched on us. We didn't think that you would really
do it. Copies of all my letters to you about our Seleni Mermaid clock
were all over his desk. The only way he could have gotten them is
if you sent them to me, so we know you snitched on them.
Well for a long time, Charlie just sat there staring at us, that
is me and my wife Karen. Then he dropped the legal net on us.
He said we couldn't win the suit, and besides, it might get
in the newspapers. Embarrassed, you know who. We can't do that.
So it looks like you wiggled through the jurisdiction loophole once again. So my
wife Karen says, you win. My wife Karen says it isn't fair.
But what can we do now? So that's the end of that. Now.
I want to say something just for myself and not for my client and
wife Karen. Where do you get the right to tell me what I can
and can't pray for? If I want to pray for a million dollars and
I do, that's my right. This is a free in God fearing country.
Sincerely, Rob, Legal adviser to Karen. Hello, Hello, hello
Josh. Yes, what's going on? You're recording? Right? Yeah?
Why Rob? Huh? I found Rob? What shut the fuck up?
Ninety five percent? But here's the thing. He's in his sixties? What?
Yeah? And there's more. July third, nineteen eighty nine. Dear
Bonny, I guess you would like to know something about Karen and Ellen's background.
Karen, Karen's husband, and Ellen all come from Portland, Oregon.
Karen and Ellen went to a community college in Oregon for two years before supposedly
transferring to Berkeley. They claim to have completed one year at UCB, although
I don't know whether they completed it with passing grades or not, or if
they went at all. Of course, and this may just be a coincidence.
C W recently represented UCB after a bipolar professor was involved in a fatal
traffic accident on campus. As Ellen says, there may be nothing to all
this, but on the other hand, there may not. I don't know
much about Karen's husband. I believe he is a Communist dogmatist from the way
he talks, not that he would know what that means. All three of
them are rich or come from wealthy families. It is obvious to me that
they were accustomed to getting whatever they wanted, regardless of cost or reason.
Karen wants to be a school teacher. Ellen was studying interior design, but
has recently informed me that she is changing her major and now wants to be
a school teacher, just like Karen. Karen's husband wants to be a lawyer
and is planning to go to the Tough University Law school in Boston. The
Karen letters may seem a bit choppy or incomplete, but you must remember that,
in addition to these letters, we have had face to face talks and
phone calls. Karen has attempted to get paid for things that she writes about
by occasionally just deducting them from the cost of her rent. A phone call
from me with a threat gets her to cough up these amounts quickly. At
this time, these letters have only cust me the price of postage. I
would not have allowed this to continue for so long if this nonsense was actually
costing me any real money. It's just been a bit of fun for me
waiting for her next demand and wondering what it will be up until now.
That is the Caldwells referred to in the early letters our brother and sister.
They co rent a house on the same lot as Karen's house. The two
houses have separate gas meters, but only one electric meter, which accounts for
Karen's letters regarding splitting the electric bill. The Caldwell's are very pleasant and normal
people. Kathleen is a physician, Darren is a graduate student. Hal really
did live in a chicken coop where Karen's house now stands. He was a
strange, but friendly odd ball. He was also a packrat. He went
out and collected stuff and brought it home. What he couldn't get into the
coup he put into the yard when he left. A hauling company took an
estimated six thousand pounds of hals junked the dump at a cost of over five
hundred dollars in dump and hauling fees. Only one other person lived in Karen's
house, a woman named Annette, who was as nutting as a fruitcake.
I called Anette the suicidal piano lady. All her rooms were full of pianos.
She had asleep on the living room couch because the two bedrooms had no
room for a bed. Even stranger, Annette used to call me to discuss
her suicide plans and botched attempts. What sort of person calls the landlord to
discuss their suicide plans. I never discussed these matters with her. I just
told her to get professional help. You see, Ellen hender Guru are right.
There may be bad spirits at this house, certainly based upon its previous
rental history. Karen and Ellen know nothing about Annette. I consider myself a
fairly generous landlord. I give my tenants garden tools, vacuum cleaners, and
interest on security deposits. Things most landlords do not pay for I rarely,
if ever, raise rent while a tenant lives in a place, and nobody
ever has to ask twice to get something fixed. My rents are a little
below market too, so I really have nothing to feel guilty about, although
Karen and Ellen at first did make me feel guilty with comments like you shouldn't
feel too guilty over the death of Ellen's guru. Now I am over any
feelings of guilt. Karen's descriptions of the neighborhood are accurate. The Caldwells do
have two cats, although I doubt that these cats used up a lot of
electricity. There is an icy car wash on the corner, and there are
plumbing and electrical supplies towards one block away. When Karen first saw the house,
she came alone. I did not meet Ellen until after Karen had moved
in and had been living there for two months. In fact, I had
no idea there would be a second occupant prior to meeting Allan. Karen was
one her best behavior when I saw her, no crazy talk, no demands.
Furthermore, I knew her father was a doctor, and he had already
co signed the lease prior to her moving in. Karen is very pretty,
long flowing blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect complexion, and the good figure
Ellen is not so brit. I care to make up my mind if they
are stupid, crazy or boof. As you requested, I've ceased all communication
with the girls and their illegal representative Roub. I've included some additional items that
will likely attest to their character. It is clear to me that mister Worthington
would prefer to keep the antics of Karen and Rob out of the press and
presumably any court dockets, so I am hopeful this will all be behind us
soon. Additionally, I've enclosed several Oakland Tribune articles covering a nearby explosion in
April. Am I paranoid for thinking this might be the work of them?
Mark? Yeah? And there's more I think I found Ellen too. What
cryptic words meander? Now? There is a song beneath the song day learn
soon discern its truely be interesting detachment, restless song, less, sincere,
desired, despair, overlapping baldy. And it's not a loss loss. No,
it's not a love song. It's not a love. It's not a
love. It's not a next song. It's not a love, it's not
loves, not a love song, a mother love song. And in Missing
Recurring dreams, a minor chords reader, time, muted chimes by the big
and the ulsterized conviction, steadying push for routine, some swell, high nose,
spell into me in a smu words, small love songs story, lot
of her song. It's fine, it's so, it's excite and sunny songs,
says one song. It's not sun song, it's to songs, song
song songs, love song to song to song, never mean