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This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're
listening to kf I Am six forty,

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the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app kaf I Am six

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forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy

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Walsh Show. I want you to
sit back because for the next two hours,

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I want to talk about your love
life. Whether you're single, whether

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you're married, whether you're living with
somebody, whether you're breaking up with somebody,

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whether you haven't seen the Barbie Movie
yet, And I'm going to be

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mad at you for not having seen
it yet. Hey, just stay with

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me, Okay, if you're new
to my show, I have a PhD

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in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology
professor at cal State Channel Islands. I've

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written three books on relationships and did
a dissertation on attachment theory. Yeah,

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love has a theory, not just
a theory. It's got science, real

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science behind it. Today in the
show we have is the Barbie Movie causing

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breakups? Well, some people say
it is. And the wedding wardrobe.

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Did you know the brides are now
buying three or four or five dresses.

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I'll explain. If you're thinking about
getting married, I've got doctor Wendy's handy

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dandy list of how to know when
it's time and when it's right. Also,

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are you in a para social relationship. I'm gonna tell you how to

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dump that person because it'll be good
for your mental health. And I've got

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some scientific facts about love that you
need to know. Also, I'll be

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taking your calls and answering your social
media questions, So stay with me.

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If you are thinking about love.
Do you know why I am so obsessed

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with the science of love? Simply
because our choice of romantic partner is not

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lightweight. It is the single most
important choice that you are going to make

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for your financial future, for your
mental health, for your physical health,

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and indeed even in terms of your
safety, life and death. Think about

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it. If a woman gets murdered, who's the first person they think of

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who might have done it. M
just saying. So this week I got

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a call from a producer at Inside
Edition, you know, the TV show,

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and she said, oh, we
really needed to be on the show

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to talk, which I did,
to talk about a new trend on social

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media that the Barbie movie is apparently
causing girls to go home, have this

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new awareness and break up with their
boyfriends. Well, I do a little

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searching online. I don't think it's
a trend. I think a few women

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have posted about this, and I
think the media has seized on it and

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made it a big deal. But
I also think that there are probably a

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group of women who did have this
awareness, who did decide it's time.

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I don't my can is not the
kind of can I want, and did

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break up, but don't post about
it on social media. So I don't

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have to tell you I love the
Barbie movie. I've seen it twice,

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but it's preaching to the choir.
So if you're a good, card caring

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member of the girls club, you
know your job is to bring a man

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to the Barbie movie. And if
you're a man who wants to adapt to

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this new changing world of gender roles, you've got to go see the movie

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on your own so that you can
have some empathy. So Barbie grossed five

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hundred and two million dollars domestically one
point one billion dollars globally. That's as

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of yesterday, only fifty three movies
have ever broken the one billion dollar earning

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threshold. It's adjusted for based on
time, But they include movies like Jurassic

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Park, The Dark Night, The
Hobbitt, Harry Potter, Alice in Wonderland,

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Star Wars, Nemo Dori, all
of them. Right, So a

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lot of those are male dominated movies, men's stories told through a male lens,

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often directed by men, often written
by men. Four men. Now,

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women of course attended those movies,
those big blockbusters, but they were

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often on the arm of a man. So my question is, why can't

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we do the reverse. I was
actually on an airplane this week and I

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was sitting beside this guy. He
was like, I felt bad for him

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because the seats on airplanes just keep
shrinking and shrinking and shrinking. And he

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looked to be six foot seven,
solid muscle legs like tree trunks. And

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he said he was from Hawaii and
but not from Maui and goodness, and

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he is American military in our army, has been serving for five or six

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years. Very high testosterone, hyper
masculine kind of guy. So of course

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I said right away, I'd like
to stir the putt. Have you seen

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the Barbie movie yet? And he
said no, no, and he kind

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of brushed it off. He goes, well, actually, you know,

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I've been training a bunch of young
guys in the whole platoon went out to

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see the Barbie movie, and I
was like, yeah, now, gentlemen,

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if you're listening, you haven't seen
the Barbie movie. I know you

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saw Oppenheimer. Good, good good. The reason why I'm saying this is

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because if you're if you're hoping in
your life to bond with a woman,

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to find a new woman, to
keep a woman, whatever, this will

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be this special peephole into a woman's
emotional life. For Barbie, or for

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many women, Barbie is a reality
check and it's causing many women, supposedly

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according to the media, to break
up with their boyfriends. Do we have

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some sound there? We can hear
some of these women, women in China

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breaking up with their boyfriends after watching
the Barbie movie. The Barbie limpust Test

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divis men into four categories. The
first, if a man hates the movie,

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wolves out, or criticizes the woman
director, then he has classified as

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toxic and misogynistic and you should probably
not date that. The second type of

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man is one who can't understand the
movie and looks infused when everyone is laughing.

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This means he has no brain or
culture. The third the man who

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understands how's the movie's message, at
least the theater thinking the movie is interesting

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and good. He's the most likely
a guy with normal values and stable immersions.

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And finally, if a man loves
Barbie and dress uphim pick to go

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see the movie, he is most
likely a ken. But some women have

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literally broken up? Do we have
that sound? This girl's gone viral because

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of her story. Thank you,
Barbie for empowering me, for giving me

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the confidence, for making me realize
that I deserve better. That you know,

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I'm amazing and I deserve better.
So it's making women assess some women

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assess their relationships. My favorite Darwin
quote. You know, I often look

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at life through a lens of evolutionary
psychology. I'm fascinated with the area of

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evolutionary psychology. My favorite Darwin quote
says, it is not the fittest who

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will survive. It is not the
most intelligent who will survive. It is

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those who can adapt the quickest to
changing environments. Think about it. The

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reason why we as humans took over
the planet and we're not being lorded over

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by lions and tigers and bears or
mice or fleas or anything else. Isn't

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that we were the highest on the
food chain. It's that we know how

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to adapt. We can adapt to
different climates around the world. We can

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figure out how to pull resources and
food out of land, even frozen tundra.

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We have a way to solve problems, and we do it as a

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group. The problem now is the
changing face of gender roles. You see,

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patriarchy was necessary during the Industrial Revolution. We were building stuff. We

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needed guys with big muscles. There
are also a lot of wars going on.

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The wars are supposed to be done
now. I don't know what's going

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on over there in Eastern Europe there. I mean, I think we need

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more women leaders and then we're going
to have fewer wars, I think.

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But we needed men for protection.
Although my big joke about that is who

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do you think men are protecting us
from other men? But we needed strength

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to survive. It worked out to
divide our living situation into neat tidy domestic

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gender roles. Women tended to stay
at home, They tended to do more

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of the caregiving. They didn't not
all of them liked it, by the

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way, They didn't like to be
put in that box. Men were told

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to go out and earn money,
and if they didn't earn enough money,

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they were a bad man. But
not all men like that deal either.

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That is a lot of pressure,
a lot of pressure. But now we've

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entered the information age, and in
the information age, women are uniquely suited

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to extract resources from the environment to
surge ahead. We've got good social skills,

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good verbal skills, good typing skills. I just want to say not

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that some men don't have all of
that. And I do want to say

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plenty of guys because I went to
the Barbie movie twice and I saw plenty

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of guys there, some dressed in
pink, some just being there as an

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ally. Are amazing men, and
there they are. They're adapting, they're

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adapting. Now. One of the
things I was asked by the reporter at

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Inside Edition is if your relationship is
on the rocks and it's vulnerable, should

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you go see the Barbie movie together? And my answer was, any relationship

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that's on the rocks should go see
a therapist, not the Barbie movie,

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that's for sure. But I did
notice that women are now putting this on

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their dating profile. What are your
thoughts on the Barbie movie. It's like

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some kind of litmus test because women
are demanding more guys. You know what

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adapting means. It means learning some
wider emotional skills, relationship skills. I

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love to teach him on the show. It learns teaching some empathy, some

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understanding of what women are experiencing.
Because guess what, guys, a lot

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of women don't need you anymore.
I'm sorry to break that to you,

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but they really don't. I mean, they're making their own money, they're

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buying their own cars, they're living
in their own condos and houses, they're

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building their own businesses. They don't
actually need a man like they did back

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in patriarchy. Look, I'm using
past tents and so we have to find

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a way to let men out of
the man box like Ken did in the

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movie He's Kinoff. He's kinoff,
so that men can be human beings too.

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Not everybody liked those old roles,
And it's okay if you did like

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him and you have a maid who
likes them, okay, But the point

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is all should be available to everybody. So, gentlemen, if a woman

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asks you, what did you think
of the Barbie movie. The answers shouldn't

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be I haven't seen it. The
answer should be it was great. It

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made me help understand women a lot
more than what they're going through. Oh,

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good answer, good answer. All
right, when we come back.

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Is a wedding wardrobe actually a trend. Let's talk about what's behind it and

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also a little later like how to
know when it's time to get married,

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Like I've been thinking about maybe getting
married some day again, even at my

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age. Yeah, I've been thinking
about these questions. I'll answer when we

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come back. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf I

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Am six forty We Live Everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor

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Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I
Am six forty. Kay Am, by

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Am six forty, you have Doctor
Wendy Walsh with you. I love that

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song, Kayla. You know what
we were talking about on the break?

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You know, the best conversations on
talk radio happened when the MIC's go off.

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How did we even get into the
conversation of all the ways we were

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fired? Somehow we're talking about somebody
being fired and it was like a tennis

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match. I got fired for this
fire for that one time I got fired

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for. And Kayla and I both
learned about each other that we've both been

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fired like three times life. Yeah, and what do you think the number

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one reason I was fired for one
hundred percent of the time? My mouth?

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My mouth, I said the wrong
thing. You've always had it,

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even when you were a student.
You got in that mouth. Yes,

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when I was in class, my
guest that desk was out in the hall,

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and I got in trouble for talking. I made a career out of

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talking, Okay, radio, teaching, what have you. And that's why

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you're so great at it. So
I don't know if you know the story,

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Kayla. When I was twenty years
old in my second year of college,

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because I took a year off,
I was on a six year bro

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I'm gonna talk a six year be
a program. You know what that is.

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It means you take a semester off
to waitress, you take a semester

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off to go travel, you go
back, you take another semester. I

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just dabbled through my ba okay in
journalism, thank you very much. And

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so during one of those whether I
was in school or not, I moved

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in with my boyfriend. It was
really exciting. He was cute. So

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I was always attracted to these strong
stoic I called them the strong silent type.

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But what that played into with my
organism, my working model for love,

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is that they were often emotionally avoidant, so I had that feeling of

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longing. If you listen to my
show long enough, you know I had

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a dad in the Navy. He
was gone a lot. He was a

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great dad, and when he was
back he was fabulous, But he was

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gone most of the time and in
a very inconsistent pattern of travel, so

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I couldn't quite chart it or located. And I was home with a tired

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single mom on basses, and she
was busy smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee with

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the other navy moms, and I
was basically being beat up, beat up

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by our brothers and no one to
save me. Believe me, When my

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dad came home in his white uniform
and walked up in that navy uniform,

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I was just so happy because I
knew everything would be fine and I'd be

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protected at home. So as a
result, I loved either long distance relationships

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or these what I called strong silent
types, because their lack of emotion.

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Well, they might as well not
have been there right in the room.

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It was like they were distant,
they were gone, they were unavailable,

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they were emotionally unavailable. That was
my car. So I moved in with

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this guy who tall, six foot
four, Germanic, blonde, man of

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two words, and my mother had
a fit. She was hardcore Catholic and

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she had a fit. This was
nineteen eighty one ish, and I thought

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to myself, you know, I've
had this relationship with this woman for twenty

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years. I've had this relationship with
this guy for like eight or nine mounts.

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What am I going to do?
So I basically made sure that he

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proposed to me. How did he
propose to me? He said, oh,

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all right, and so no,
actually he wrote me a note and

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said I'm weakening. That was his
proposal. I'm weakening, like somewhere you

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have to be strong and not.
Oh thank God, thank God for this

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to weaken for me. Anyway,
So I had a big white Catholic wedding

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at the age of I think I
was twenty one by that point, and

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I really had it from my mother, right, like, let's be honest,

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we haven't a certain age, we
have to stop doing things that our

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parents want us to do and we
have to do things for ourselves. But

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in my day, I was very
handy. Okay, I took two months

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off work. At the time,
I was working for the Royal Canadian Mounted

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Police in their Historical Archives division,
and I had a set of criteria and

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I would decide if these old case
files were historical, had historical significance.

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Because this is back in the day, we were putting them on microfilm before

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computers. We had to know to
save and went to burn. So I

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took two months off work and I
designed and sewed my own wedding dress,

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a flower girl dress and eight bridesmaid
dresses. Does it mean something? Do

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00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:21.039
you think this was a foreshadowing.
All my bridesmaids wore black. I put

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them in black dresses where they go
into the funeral. And maybe I thought

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a black and white wedding. It
was an evening candlelight service, and I

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thought a black and white wedding would
be very cool. Sounds classy, Yeah,

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it was classy. So anyway,
for me, I did have a

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wedding wardrobe in that sense, because
I wardrobed everybody in my party. I

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also sewed a going away outfit that
involved a beautiful long some kind of blue

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dark blue blazer and a black pencil
skirt and high heels. But that was

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it. Well, today it was
in the New York Times. At Washington

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Post, somebody at this article about
Wall Street Journal. Oh, I'll get

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00:16:59.080 --> 00:17:03.640
there. One Washington had this article
about a new wedding trend that brides are

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00:17:03.680 --> 00:17:08.720
now doing three to five wedding dresses
for their weddings. Okay, so it's

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driven by mainly social media. They
hope they're going to go viral if they

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take lots of different pictures of them
in different outfits, which is so sad.

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Ladies, I know you're barbees,
but don't let yourself be objectified by

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social media. The other thing is
we're experiencing a post pandemic wedding boom.

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Anyway, everybody who put theirs off
during the pandemic, and so they wanted

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to be bigger and splashier and greater
than ever. And they've had three years

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to look at wedding magazines and go
on wedding websites. So they probably narrowed

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it down to four dresses by now, and might as well wear them all

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The other thing that's very popular right
now our destination weddings. And I was

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just at One End Tahiti a few
weeks ago, and you know what they

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involve. A Friday night cocktail party, a Saturday wedding, a Sunday brunch,

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going away whatever. So you know
bride needs an outfit for each of

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those things. Also, let's be
honest, it's a business. The wedding

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industry is just trying to make a
whole lot of money. But having said

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that, people are also marrying much
later. You know, in nineteen fifty,

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by the age of twenty seven,
eighty percent of people were married at

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a mortgage and kids. Now the
average age of first time marriage is around

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thirty. That's just the first time
marriage, not even house buying in kids.

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What have you? Right, So
they have these two good incomes,

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they can afford to buy all these
dresses. I also want to say this,

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when your relationship is most fragile,
more vulnerable, you want a bigger

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splash, year public display of your
love. You think somehow that if you

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invest a ton of money and you
have two hundred sets of eyes on you,

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that somehow that will make the marriage
last. Because I have known plenty

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of happy marriages that get married in
a tiny restaurant with just their close family

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and friends with thirty people and they
stay together forever. But I've been to

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big hotel extravaganzas where they were divorced
in a year. So I'm just anecdotal

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00:19:06.319 --> 00:19:08.720
evidence. It seems to me that's
the way it is. So my two

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00:19:08.759 --> 00:19:14.519
cents is stop it, stop it, ladies. One dress, maybe one

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00:19:14.599 --> 00:19:17.160
going away outfit. You don't have
to take two months off work and sew

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00:19:17.200 --> 00:19:19.720
at all. I was a little
not so, but one dress. Come

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on, this is not for Instagram. Unless you could get them for free,

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that'd be really cool. Speaking of
weddings and married I have certain this

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is just my personal rules that I've
come up with, certain things that people

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should consider before they get married.
So if you are in a long term

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relationship, if you have a son
or daughter who's in a long term relationship

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and ready to propose, ready to
walk up the aisle, let's go through.

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When we come back doctor Wendy's criteria
for it's oh, I will give

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my nod of approval if you go
through these ten things. You are listening

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00:19:53.079 --> 00:19:56.039
to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show,
and kf I AM six forty. We're

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00:19:56.079 --> 00:20:02.680
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand

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00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:07.759
from kf I AM six am sixty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.

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This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. You know, marriage maybe on

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the decline, but it's not going
away. It is still the best nest

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we have for children. Now,
hear me out. I'm not like praising

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marriage and saying it's for everybody and
everyone should do it. But until we

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have enough social supports available for single
parents, and I'm speaking as a single

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00:20:33.839 --> 00:20:37.200
parent who had been a single parent
for eighteen years, unless we have free

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childcare in every workplace, unless we
give more family leave days, then marriage

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00:20:45.880 --> 00:20:49.160
is still the best deal we have
for kids. The research shows that even

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00:20:49.279 --> 00:20:56.640
parents who don't like each other have
more successful kids than single parents because when

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parents divorce and kids are forced to
move, they lose their village, They

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00:21:00.759 --> 00:21:06.880
lose their teachers and coaches and friends. The struggle, the economic struggle of

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00:21:06.920 --> 00:21:11.759
maintaining two houses instead of one,
means that kids don't get as much money

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for education and other things that they
need. So marriage as a legal structure

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00:21:18.240 --> 00:21:22.440
for now is still the best thing, the best deal we have for kids.

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So I will personal opinion here.
I highly recommend that if you want

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to start a family, that you
get married. I didn't. That's how

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00:21:32.920 --> 00:21:37.079
I know. Okay, I had
kids when I was living with a guy,

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00:21:37.960 --> 00:21:44.880
and the research shows that cohabitating couples
have a ninety five percent divorce rate

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00:21:45.559 --> 00:21:49.720
before the first child turns twelve,
so they generally have a much higher breakup

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rate than even divorce. So I
have a few other rules or things to

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00:21:55.640 --> 00:22:00.480
think about if you're thinking of getting
married. I get asked these questions all

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00:22:00.480 --> 00:22:03.640
the time. People will write to
me on social media and they'll say,

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00:22:03.119 --> 00:22:07.160
you know, hey, I've been
with my boyfriend or girlfriend for this parent

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00:22:07.200 --> 00:22:08.519
I really am so in love with
them, and I'm thinking of getting married.

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Is at the right time? And
I always answer this, you have

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00:22:12.880 --> 00:22:17.079
to be together at least a year
before I'll let you get married, Like

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00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:19.119
I'm in charge of that decision.
You got to see the four seasons,

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00:22:19.640 --> 00:22:26.400
Okay, you got to spend some
time getting out of that early haze of

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00:22:26.559 --> 00:22:30.200
new relationship. Remember when you first
meet somebody and fall in love, it

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00:22:30.400 --> 00:22:36.880
is a neurochemical cocktail that is so
delicious and amazing. But you're not seeing

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00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:41.240
straight, you're not making good decisions, and so no matter how good you

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00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:45.119
feel, rushing into a marriage before
you've been together at least one calendar year,

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in my opinion, is not a
good idea. Very clear about that.

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00:22:51.440 --> 00:22:56.359
Speaking of years, make sure that
you have put twenty three years on

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00:22:56.400 --> 00:23:00.000
the planet at least. The research
I'm just telling you the day the research

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00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:04.079
is clear marriage is under the age
of twenty three. Eight the brider groom

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00:23:04.119 --> 00:23:07.799
is under the age of twenty three. Literally the highest divorce rate, the

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00:23:07.880 --> 00:23:14.799
highest divorce rate because your prefrontal cortex
is not fully developed until you're at least

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00:23:14.799 --> 00:23:18.079
twenty five. Look at me.
I got married at twenty one, was

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00:23:18.119 --> 00:23:21.680
divorced. By the time I was
twenty five, I was a totally different

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00:23:21.720 --> 00:23:26.000
person. I was making different decisions
for myself. So if you're at the

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00:23:26.079 --> 00:23:30.359
parent of a young adult who's nineteen
twenty or twenty one or twenty two or

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00:23:30.359 --> 00:23:34.599
twenty three, time to wait.
Wait. The average age of first time

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00:23:34.640 --> 00:23:42.000
marriage has been moving up and people
are making better decisions and choosing better.

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00:23:45.200 --> 00:23:49.640
Also, make sure your education is
complete, right, I'm telling you all

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00:23:49.640 --> 00:23:53.400
the things I didn't do, so
I know I'm talking from the voice of

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00:23:53.440 --> 00:23:59.200
wisdom. So get through college.
You know, a lot of the students

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00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:02.799
I teach, I teach at cal
State Channel Islands, we'll ask me about

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00:24:02.799 --> 00:24:07.480
what they should study for, what
job or what career, and I tell

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00:24:07.519 --> 00:24:12.839
them that community colleges or trade schools
are places that you go to learn skills

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00:24:12.880 --> 00:24:18.440
for a job. University should be
about taking any course that interests you on

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00:24:18.480 --> 00:24:23.119
any topic in the world. It's
about growing your brain. It's about expanding

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00:24:23.119 --> 00:24:27.519
your horizons. It shouldn't be about
just getting a skill to get the right

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00:24:27.640 --> 00:24:30.960
job, especially in undergrad I mean, really, if you want to go

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00:24:32.000 --> 00:24:33.880
to graduate school, that's where you
can hone in on what you really love.

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00:24:34.640 --> 00:24:40.519
But get that education complete before you
decide to get married. Also,

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00:24:40.640 --> 00:24:44.000
have the conversation about what's gonna Let's
say you're all finished your education, you're

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00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:48.680
both in your careers. Have the
conversation about what happens if one of you

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00:24:48.799 --> 00:24:52.880
gets offered a better job in a
different city. Who gets we're not in

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00:24:52.920 --> 00:24:56.920
patriarchy anymore, folks, Well we
are, But what do they say in

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00:24:56.920 --> 00:25:00.799
the Barbie movie, We just hide
it better than we did. But basically,

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00:25:00.839 --> 00:25:04.480
don't assume that the guy gets to
move the whole family because he's the

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00:25:04.480 --> 00:25:07.359
one who finds a better job or
gets transferred. So you're going to have

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00:25:07.400 --> 00:25:12.680
to have the conversation before you get
married, whose career takes precedent, why

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00:25:12.920 --> 00:25:18.799
and when. Also, make sure
the bridge between your tribes has been well

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00:25:18.920 --> 00:25:22.519
established. Look, I used to
host this show for Investigation Discovery called Happily

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00:25:22.680 --> 00:25:26.920
Never After about brides and grooms that
killed each other, and one hundred percent

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00:25:27.000 --> 00:25:32.400
of the time, one half of
the family was not supportive of this relationship

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00:25:32.880 --> 00:25:36.880
or either the brider groom's really the
person who the person who got died,

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00:25:37.039 --> 00:25:38.960
the person who got killed, the
one the one who's not with us anymore.

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00:25:40.240 --> 00:25:45.960
That person's family was not supportive of
this union. I'm a little punch

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00:25:47.039 --> 00:25:48.920
drunk on diet coke. That's what's
happening in Kayla. I can't talk.

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00:25:49.799 --> 00:25:52.880
You are the one who got died, the one who got died. What

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00:25:53.000 --> 00:25:57.799
you met, So listen to your
friends and family. Okay, if they

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00:25:57.799 --> 00:26:02.079
don't like the person, pay attention
because your hormones are making you not c

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00:26:02.279 --> 00:26:04.799
straight. Also make sure you've had
the conversation about money. I know people

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00:26:04.799 --> 00:26:11.000
who have gotten married and they haven't
even ever looked at their future spouse's debt,

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00:26:11.559 --> 00:26:15.640
their bank account balance, who they're
paying off. Seriously, you got

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00:26:15.640 --> 00:26:22.119
to really open up books because you're
making a financial union together and have the

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00:26:22.119 --> 00:26:25.480
conversation about kids. Don't say,
oh, we'll get married because it's so

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00:26:25.599 --> 00:26:29.440
romantic and wonderful and I'm sure they'll
want to have kids later. No,

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00:26:29.440 --> 00:26:32.599
no, don't be sure until you're
sure. Make sure you talk to them

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00:26:32.599 --> 00:26:36.759
about it. Make sure you're on
the same page because divorces happen all the

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00:26:36.799 --> 00:26:40.799
time because one person is ready to
have kids and one I know somebody who

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00:26:40.839 --> 00:26:44.440
married a guy who said I'm not
ready to have kids, hopefully I will

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00:26:44.559 --> 00:26:47.559
in the future. But she didn't
nail them down to like, well in

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00:26:47.640 --> 00:26:48.480
two years or three years, when
are we going to start, And she

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00:26:48.519 --> 00:26:52.519
never gave the ultimatum. Well,
they went all the way till the end

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00:26:52.559 --> 00:26:56.039
of her fertility window and then it
was too late. No kids happened.

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00:26:56.400 --> 00:27:02.759
Also, marriage is today often involve
x is, step kids, blended families.

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00:27:03.480 --> 00:27:06.319
We got to talk about this.
Everybody's got to be on board.

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00:27:06.960 --> 00:27:11.960
A marriage is a bridge between tribes, and those tribes involve a lot of

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00:27:11.039 --> 00:27:17.839
people. Right. Please remember,
a wedding is more than a party.

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00:27:17.960 --> 00:27:23.000
A wedding is a legal contract.
A wedding has tax consequences, learn them,

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00:27:23.319 --> 00:27:27.599
read about it. A wedding is
more than a dress or a wedding

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00:27:27.799 --> 00:27:34.119
wardrobe. A wedding is about creating
a legal union, hopefully to create a

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family together, if that's what you're
interested in doing. And all the discussions

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00:27:38.920 --> 00:27:45.799
you know when business coaches out there
say all the problems that happen when startups

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00:27:45.799 --> 00:27:51.119
happen with partnerships happen in the very
first contract. Oh, one of the

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00:27:51.160 --> 00:27:52.599
question people ask, what do you
think of prenups? I think prenups are

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00:27:52.640 --> 00:27:57.119
amazing because they make you talk about
all those things and keep the assets in

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00:27:57.160 --> 00:28:02.119
the right name. But if somebody's
making you sign a completely unfair prenup that

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00:28:02.200 --> 00:28:03.880
seems really selfish, then don't sign
it. You have the right to do

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00:28:03.920 --> 00:28:07.160
that, but at least it opens
up the whole game board and you can

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talk about all the issues. Alrighty, when we come back, let's talk

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about people who are talk to people
who are dating. Some red flags that

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00:28:18.920 --> 00:28:22.200
I notice a lot of you are
normalizing, like you're thinking this is normal

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00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:25.400
and you have ways to rationalize it. Let's talk about these red flags when

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00:28:25.400 --> 00:28:29.119
we come back, and then I'm
gonna be taking your calls and social media

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00:28:29.200 --> 00:28:32.319
questions. But let's talk about red
flags. First. You're listening to the

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00:28:32.319 --> 00:28:36.519
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AM
six forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio

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00:28:36.519 --> 00:28:41.960
app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from kf I Am six

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00:28:41.000 --> 00:28:45.440
forty km AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This

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00:28:45.559 --> 00:28:48.920
is the Doctor Wendy Weals Show.
I'd like to welcome my Instagram audience.

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00:28:48.960 --> 00:28:53.000
If you'd like to come into the
studio, just log on Instagram. My

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00:28:53.160 --> 00:28:59.599
channel whatever it is called. My
account is called doctor Wendy Walsh d R

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00:29:00.079 --> 00:29:03.799
D Walsh. After this, I'm
going to be taking your calls. If

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00:29:03.799 --> 00:29:07.680
you want to write down the number
now you can. It's one eight hundred

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00:29:07.759 --> 00:29:12.240
five two zero one KFI. That's
one eight hundred five two zero one five

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00:29:12.359 --> 00:29:19.200
three four. But first, I
want to talk about red flags in relationships

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00:29:19.440 --> 00:29:22.839
that people normalize. I mentioned earlier
in the show that I used to host

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00:29:22.839 --> 00:29:29.400
a show for investigation Discovery Network called
Happily Never After about brides and grooms that

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00:29:29.480 --> 00:29:33.400
killed each other. Actually, the
producers had to search very hard to find

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00:29:33.559 --> 00:29:37.960
brides who killed grooms. It was
far more often the grooms killing the brides,

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00:29:37.400 --> 00:29:41.319
and I would so I made these
series of videos called Doctor Wendy's Red

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00:29:41.400 --> 00:29:47.480
Flag Diaries, because they would ask
me to comment on the relationship building up

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00:29:47.480 --> 00:29:51.200
to the after wedding murder. I
mean, sometimes the wedding was, the

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00:29:51.279 --> 00:29:56.200
murder was a year later or whatever, and like a hundred percent of the

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00:29:56.240 --> 00:30:02.839
time, the groom who would go
on to become the murderer asked the bride

400
00:30:02.880 --> 00:30:07.200
to sign a life insurance policy one
hundred percent of the time, Like if

401
00:30:07.240 --> 00:30:10.880
that isn't a big red flag,
Oh, gay, you're gonna marry somebody.

402
00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:12.720
And like the night before the wedding, got the dress, you're not

403
00:30:12.720 --> 00:30:15.000
going to cancel it for anything.
They something, I'll sign this one little

404
00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:18.680
paper. It's a million dollar life
insurance policy. And then oh, let's

405
00:30:18.759 --> 00:30:23.440
go whitewater rafting, let's go climbing
on a cliff. Yeah, that's how

406
00:30:23.440 --> 00:30:27.200
all those stories went anyway. But
there are other things that are just a

407
00:30:27.240 --> 00:30:33.440
lot more benign that people have kind
of normalized. I call them red flags.

408
00:30:34.039 --> 00:30:37.440
And who are the people that normalize
it? Often people who have an

409
00:30:37.440 --> 00:30:44.920
insecure attachment style, right, they
fear abandonment so much that they won't allow

410
00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:49.240
themselves to question the inconsistencies in the
early stages of dating. So here are

411
00:30:49.279 --> 00:30:56.839
some red flags that many people normalize. The belief that on and off relationships

412
00:30:56.920 --> 00:31:03.880
are the most passionate, like how
you're always having that exciting makeup sex and

413
00:31:03.920 --> 00:31:08.079
then you're only fighting because there's such
love and passion there. No, this

414
00:31:08.160 --> 00:31:14.400
is dysfunction. You know what a
healthy relationship? It doesn't it's not like

415
00:31:14.440 --> 00:31:19.400
it doesn't involve no conflict at all, but it feels peaceful. It doesn't

416
00:31:19.400 --> 00:31:22.160
have all those highs and all those
lows. It doesn't feel like a roller

417
00:31:22.240 --> 00:31:27.039
coaster. If you're in a relationship
that's all about fighting and makeup sex and

418
00:31:27.119 --> 00:31:30.519
back together and breaking up all the
time, that's not love at all.

419
00:31:32.240 --> 00:31:37.319
That's two people with poor relationship skills, and you should get out of dodge

420
00:31:37.759 --> 00:31:41.799
seriously. Now, other people believe
this red flag is normal, that if

421
00:31:41.799 --> 00:31:47.039
somebody's jealous, it means they really
care about you and they really love you.

422
00:31:47.079 --> 00:31:51.920
No you know what jealousy means,
the person who's jealous is very insecure.

423
00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:56.519
Now we all experience a little look. With my boyfriend Julio, he

424
00:31:56.559 --> 00:31:59.200
works with women. Sometimes I'm like, who's that who's that woman you're talking

425
00:31:59.200 --> 00:32:02.119
to? What we do it as
a cute little teasing each other, But

426
00:32:05.519 --> 00:32:09.960
a little jealousy normal means you value
your mate too much. Jealousy where you're

427
00:32:09.960 --> 00:32:15.240
going, who you're with, what's
happening. That means that person's really insecure.

428
00:32:15.119 --> 00:32:20.799
And as an extension of that,
some people believe that if the person

429
00:32:21.000 --> 00:32:23.240
tries to control their time or what
they wear. You know, when I

430
00:32:23.359 --> 00:32:28.240
was a young woman, I look
back at the life of patriarchy I managed

431
00:32:28.240 --> 00:32:32.240
to navigate through. I can't tell
you how many guys would tell me what

432
00:32:32.359 --> 00:32:37.000
to wear on dates. Dude,
listen to me. The only thing you're

433
00:32:37.039 --> 00:32:43.079
allowed to tell a woman is something
like, you know, hockey arenas can

434
00:32:43.119 --> 00:32:45.519
get cold. You might want to
bring a sweater, or we're going to

435
00:32:45.559 --> 00:32:49.920
eat outside because it's really nice to
eat al fresco, so maybe bring a

436
00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:52.440
rap. That's all you're allowed to
tell us about wardrobe. We all have

437
00:32:52.559 --> 00:32:58.200
PhDs in fashion. We know what
to wear we know what works. Okay,

438
00:32:58.559 --> 00:33:00.359
you can't tell us what to wear. So if you're controlling what a

439
00:33:00.400 --> 00:33:04.240
woman wears. I had a guy
once who was on again again, that

440
00:33:04.400 --> 00:33:07.720
passionate on and off, fights and
break up and back together. And one

441
00:33:07.759 --> 00:33:10.440
time, my hair is naturally currently
and one time I wore really kinky hair

442
00:33:10.839 --> 00:33:14.279
and he said, don't ever wear
your hair like that with me. I

443
00:33:14.359 --> 00:33:16.759
like it straight. And of course
I was so young and dumb, and

444
00:33:16.759 --> 00:33:20.240
I thought he was such a special
thing. I was like, okay,

445
00:33:20.720 --> 00:33:22.519
always remember to flat on my hair
before I said, oh please, The

446
00:33:22.599 --> 00:33:28.920
things that women put up with.
Here's another So if somebody's trying to control

447
00:33:29.000 --> 00:33:32.359
you, doesn't mean they're more committed. Again, it means they're insecure,

448
00:33:32.680 --> 00:33:36.599
or they don't value you as an
independent person, they think of you as

449
00:33:36.640 --> 00:33:40.039
a sex object, et cetera.
Here's another red flag that people normalize,

450
00:33:42.039 --> 00:33:45.640
this belief that women are supposed to
do most of the caregiving and most of

451
00:33:45.680 --> 00:33:52.039
the domestic responsibility. What century are
you in? We are both fully capable.

452
00:33:52.119 --> 00:33:55.400
All genders are fully capable of loading
a dishwasher. Putting in a load

453
00:33:55.400 --> 00:34:00.319
of laundry just reminds me. I
put in a load of laundry this afternoon.

454
00:34:00.319 --> 00:34:01.559
I forgot to put it in the
dryer. Oh, Julio is going

455
00:34:01.599 --> 00:34:05.839
to be so mad. He likes
his stuff to Okay, anyway, he

456
00:34:05.880 --> 00:34:07.720
can do it. I know he
can do it. He can get home.

457
00:34:07.720 --> 00:34:09.599
If you're listening, honey, put
the stuff in the dryer. Okay,

458
00:34:09.840 --> 00:34:13.760
and when the buzzer goes folded because
you don't like it to get wrinkled

459
00:34:13.760 --> 00:34:17.800
in there, I know you.
So. Anyway, this idea that men

460
00:34:17.960 --> 00:34:22.239
must do this or women must do
that, and I want to tell you,

461
00:34:22.280 --> 00:34:24.960
like, I'm not perfect. I
learned all this stuff because I went

462
00:34:25.119 --> 00:34:30.199
through it right. I remember it's
kind of embarrassing. I remember that if

463
00:34:30.239 --> 00:34:35.719
a guy helped too much around the
kitchen, I used to think he was

464
00:34:35.760 --> 00:34:39.480
weak. I used to have this
idea that I wanted a man to sort

465
00:34:39.480 --> 00:34:44.039
of be served by me. Was
awful. I felt like he was taking

466
00:34:44.079 --> 00:34:46.360
away my female power. And forget
it. I'm gonna sit there and be

467
00:34:46.440 --> 00:34:51.400
served and I'm happy. Now.
How about this one? A lot of

468
00:34:51.400 --> 00:34:53.079
people say, and especially young women, because I had a conversation with a

469
00:34:53.079 --> 00:34:57.360
young girl recently who said this.
She's dating a new guy and they've only

470
00:34:57.400 --> 00:35:00.960
had four dates and they've split every
check fIF exactly and she likes that.

471
00:35:01.119 --> 00:35:04.440
And I said, oh no,
no, no, no, somebody needs

472
00:35:04.440 --> 00:35:08.679
to sacrifice, okay. And when
men at the very beginning sacrifice a little

473
00:35:08.719 --> 00:35:13.079
bit financially, it's their way of
showing you they like you and they care

474
00:35:13.119 --> 00:35:16.679
about you. Splitting everything fifty fifty
all the time is not the healthiest way

475
00:35:16.679 --> 00:35:20.320
to go. Just let it come
out in the laundry later. Let's figure

476
00:35:20.360 --> 00:35:23.800
it out later, all right.
Also, showing any sign of anger in

477
00:35:23.840 --> 00:35:29.880
the first few months of dating,
big red flag. Okay, people should

478
00:35:29.880 --> 00:35:32.639
be able to manage their feelings and
keep it in and control themselves a little

479
00:35:32.679 --> 00:35:37.880
bit. And speaking of angry anger, if they give you the silent treatment

480
00:35:37.920 --> 00:35:40.599
at any time and cut you out
and stop texting or stop calling or just

481
00:35:40.920 --> 00:35:44.039
not talk to you for a little
bit as the way to punish you,

482
00:35:44.599 --> 00:35:45.920
no, no, no, don't
go forward. Okay. This is the

483
00:35:45.960 --> 00:35:52.519
worst conflict resolution style out there.
And here's the biggest red flag. Some

484
00:35:52.559 --> 00:35:54.679
people think, oh, well,
they don't really want to hang out with

485
00:35:54.719 --> 00:35:58.880
my friends and my family because they
want me all to themselves, because they

486
00:35:58.880 --> 00:36:00.960
really like me and they want to
in that cocoon with me. That's wonderful.

487
00:36:01.000 --> 00:36:04.360
The little cocoon is great, but
at a certain point you've got to

488
00:36:04.360 --> 00:36:07.880
get out of the cocoon and meet
all the friends and family. If you're

489
00:36:07.960 --> 00:36:14.360
with somebody who doesn't want to meet
your friends and family, they don't want

490
00:36:14.360 --> 00:36:17.480
a real relationship with you, not
a long term, committed emotional relationship.

491
00:36:17.880 --> 00:36:22.480
They might want a situation ship with
you, some side action. Sneaky link,

492
00:36:23.159 --> 00:36:25.400
is it, Kuala Kayla A sneaky
link? Yes? Doctor, When

493
00:36:28.559 --> 00:36:30.800
all right, let me come back. I'm going to be doing my drive

494
00:36:30.840 --> 00:36:35.039
by makeshift relationship advice. If you'd
like to call in. The number is

495
00:36:35.079 --> 00:36:39.320
one eight hundred five two zero one
KFI. That's one eight hundred five two

496
00:36:39.440 --> 00:36:45.119
zero one KFI. I'll also be
going to the DMS and looking at your

497
00:36:45.159 --> 00:36:50.800
social media questions. Reminder, I
am a psychology professor, not a therapist.

498
00:36:50.840 --> 00:36:53.480
This isn't therapy. This is life
wisdom that I love to share,

499
00:36:53.840 --> 00:36:58.599
So give us a call one eight
hundred five two zero one KFI. You

500
00:36:58.599 --> 00:37:00.840
are listening to The Doctor Wendy Welsh
Show and KF I am six forty.

501
00:37:00.840 --> 00:37:07.320
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to doctor Wendy Walsh.

502
00:37:07.320 --> 00:37:10.400
You can always hear us live on
ka I Am six forty from seven

503
00:37:10.440 --> 00:37:15.920
to nine pm on Sunday, and
anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app