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When I was dead by vincent O'Sullivan. And yet my heart will not confess.

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He owes the malady that doth my
life besiege. All's well that ends

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well. That was the worst of
Ravenal Hall. The passages were long and

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gloomy, the rooms were musty and
dull. Even the pictures were somber and

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their subjects dire. On an autumn
evening, when the wind soft and wailed

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to the trees in the park,
and the dead leaves whistled and chattered,

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while the rain clambered at the windows, small wonder that folks would gentle nerves

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when a straying in their wits.
An acute nervous system is a grievous burthen

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on the deck of a yacht under
sunlit skies. At Ravenal, the chain

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of nerves was prone to clash and
jangle a funeral march. Nerves must be

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pampered in a tea drinking community.
And the ghosts that your grandfather with a

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skinful of port could face and never
tremble sets you in your sobriety, sweating

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and shivering, or becoming scared,
poor ghost of your bold styes and dropping

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jaw. He quenches expectation by not
appearing at all. So I am left

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to conclude that it was tea which
made my acquaintance afraid to stay at Ravenal.

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Even Wilburn gave over, and as
he is in the guards and apolo

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player, his nerves ought to be
strong enough. On the night before he

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went, I was explaining to him
my theory that if you play some drops

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of human blood near you, and
then concentrate your thoughts, you will after

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a while see before you a man
or a woman who will stay with you

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during the long hours of the night, and even meet you at unexpected places

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during the day. I was explaining
this theory, I repeat, when he

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interrupted me with words senseless enough,
which sent me fencing and parrying strangers on

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my guard. I say, alistir, my dear chap, he began,

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you ought to get out of this
place and go up to town and knock

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about a bit. You really ought, you know, yes, I replied,

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and get poisoned at the hotels by
bad food and at the clubs by

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bad talk. I suppose no,
thank you, and let me say that

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your care for my health enervates me. Well. You can do as you

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like, says he wrapping with his
feet on the floor. I'm hanged.

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If I stay here after tomorrow,
I'll be staring mad if I do.

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He was my last visitor. Some
weeks after his departure, I was sitting

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in the library with my drops of
blood by me. I had got my

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theory nearly perfect by this time,
but there was one difficulty. The figure,

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which I had ever before me,
was the figure of an old woman,

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with her hair divided in the middle, and her hair fell to her

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shoulders. White on one side and
black on the other. She was a

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very complete old woman, but alas
she was eyeless, and when I tried

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to construct the eyes, she would
shrivel and rot in my sight. But

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tonight I was thinking, thinking as
I had never thought before, and the

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eyes were just creeping into the head, when I heard a terrible crash outside,

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as if some heavy substance had fallen
of a sudden. The door was

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flung open, and two maid servants
entered. They glanced at the rug under

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my chair, and at that they
turned a sick white cried on God,

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and huddled out, how dare you
entered the library in this manner? I

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demanded sternly. No answer came back
from them, so I started in pursuit.

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I found all the servants in the
house gathered in a knot at the

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end of the passage. Missus Pebble
I said smartly to the housekeeper, I

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want those two women discharged tomorrow.
It's an outrage. You ought to be

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more careful. But she was not
attending to me. Her face was distorted

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with terror. Ah dear, ah
dear, She went, We had all

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better go to the library together,
says she to the others. Am I

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master of my own house, Missus
Pebble, I inquired, bringing my knuckles

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down with a bang on the table. None of them seemed to see me

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or hear me. I might as
well have been shrieking in a desert.

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I followed them down the passage and
forbade them to enter the library. But

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they trooped past me and stood with
a clutter around the hearth rug. Then

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three or four of them began dragging
and lifting, as if they were lifting

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a helpless body, and stumbled with
their imaginary burthen over to a sofa.

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Old Solmes, the butler stood near
poor young gentleman. He said, with

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a sob I've known him since he
was a baby, and to think of

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him being dead like this, and
so young too. I crossed the room.

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What is all this, Solmes,
I cried, shaking him roughly by

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the shoulders. I am not dead. I am here here. As he

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did not stir, I got a
little scared, soalms, old friend,

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I called, don't you know me? Don't you know the little boy you

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used to play with? Say I
am not head, Solmes, Please Solmes.

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He stooped down and kissed the sofa. I think one of the men

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ought to ride over to the village
for the doctor, mister Solmes, says

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Missus Pebble, and he shuffled out
to give the order. Now this doctor

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was an ignorant dog whom I had
been forced to exclude from the house because

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he went about proclaiming his belief in
a saving God at the same time that

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he proclaimed himself a man of science. He I was resolved should never cross

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my threshold. And I followed Missus
Pebble through the house, screaming out prohibition.

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But I did not even catch a
groan from her, not a nod

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of the head nor cast of the
eye to show that she had heard.

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I met the doctor at the door
of the library. Well, I sneered,

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throwing my hand in his face.
Have you come to teach me some

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new prayers? He brushed past me
as if he had not felt the blow,

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and knelt down by the sofa.
Rupture of a vessel on the brain,

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I think, he says to Solmes
and Missus Pebble, after a short

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moment. He has been dead some
hours, Poor fellow, you had better

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telegraph for his sister, and I
will send up the undertaker to arrange the

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body. You liar, I yelled, you, whining liar. Have you

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the insolence to tell my servants that
I am dead when you see me here

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face to face? He was far
in the passage, with Holmes and Missus

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Pebble at his heels. Ere I
had ended, and not one of the

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three turned round. All that night
I sat in the library. Strangely enough,

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I had no wish to sleep,
nor during the time that followed,

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had I any craving to eat.
In the morning, the men came,

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and although I ordered them out,
they proceeded to minister about something I could

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not see. So all day I
stayed in the library or wandered about the

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house, and at night the men
came again, bringing with them a coffin.

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Then, in my humor, thinking
its shame that so fine a coffin

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and should be empty, I lay
the night in it and slept as soft,

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dreamless sleep, the softest sleep I
have ever slept. And when the

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men came the next day, I
rested still, and the undertaker shaped me

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a strange valet. On the evening
after that, I was coming downstairs when

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I noted some luggage in the hall, and so learned that my sister had

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arrived. I had not seen this
woman since her marriage, and I loathed

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her more than I loathed any creature
in this ill organized world. She was

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very beautiful, I think, tall
and dark and straight as a ramrod,

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and she had an unruly passion for
scandal and dress. I suppose the reason

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I disliked her so intensely was that
she had a habit of making one aware

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of her presence when she was several
yards off. At half past nine o'clock,

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my sister came down to the library
and a very charming wrap, and

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I soon found that she was as
insensible to my presence as the others.

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I trembled with rage to see him
kneel down by the coffin, my coffin.

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But when she had bent over to
kiss the pillow, I threw away

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control. A knife, which had
been used to cut string, was laying

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upon a table. I seized it
and drove it into her neck. She

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fled from the room, screaming,
Come, Come, she cried, her

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voice quivering with anguish. The corpse
is bleating from the nose. Then I

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cursed her. On the evening of
the third day, there was a heavy

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fall of snow. About eleven o'clock, I observed the house was filled with

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blacks and mutes, and folk of
the country who came for the obsequies.

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I went into the library and sat
still and waited. Soon came the men,

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and they closed the lid of the
coffin and bore it out on their

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shoulders. And yet I sat,
peeling rather sadly that something of mine had

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been taken away. I could not
quite think what for half an hour,

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perhaps dreaming, dreaming, And then
I glided to the hall door. There

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was no trace left of the funeral, but after a while I sighted a

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black thread winding slowly across the white
plain. I am not dead, I

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moaned, and rubbed my face in
the pure snow and tossed it on my

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neck and hair. Sweet God,
I am not dead. End of when

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I was dead.