Hi. I'm Judy Black, author of primarily Dungeons and Dragons modules. My
latest one is called Short and Sweet and you Know, much like me,
and it is a gentle, punny, silly introductory festival for players new to
D and D runs through the mechanics through with festival games, and then you
fight a giant lavacake. Lots of fun. It's available on the d M
scaled. I also have a Patreon where I am now doing monsters every Monday
that I am making myself, so you get homeboard monsters every Monday for a
dollar. Not too shabby, Okay, I guess that's me. I am
the one, the only, the r car and I write books. Unfortunately,
my latest release I share with the one the only Rick Walter Terry.
You can find Deviant Dark Dryads False Icon's book four out now. Hi.
I'm Teresa Glover and I'm the author of the Caitlin Kelly Monster Hunter series with
Falstaff Books. And I'm also an editor at Falstaff Books. John and I
will have a book coming up soon about selling at conventions. Yes, and
in this game, I am playing Tren Karen beIN Tangler. Hey everyone,
my name is Rick Walter Terry, and I will be playing moog Face Eater.
In real life, I write several series, including one with Ari Carr,
Deviant Dark Dryads available wherever fine e books are sold. As long as
it's Amazon, go check it out. So hey, y'all, I'm Misty
Massey. I'm the author of the Medchestral series of pirate fantasy adventures on the
High Seas, including the recent twenty twenty three Palmettos grib Award winning novel Kestrel's
Dance. You can get yourself a copy on Amazon. I today, however,
will not be playing a pirate really close though, I'm going to be
playing n Where Crowe, a thief of some renown. Just watch and see.
Hi there, I'm John Hartness, and I'll be playing Drew Hayes.
No wait, I will be running this whatever this is going to be,
this festival of foolishness, this scintillating saga of serious storytelling, this quest for
competence. In real life, I write multiple series, including Bubba the Monster
Hunter, The Black Night Chronicles, and Quincy Harker Demon Hunter, and my
most recent release, Wampus Rumpus. The next Bubba the Monster Hunter novella will
be coming out very soon from Falstaff Ball. So this is a brand new
show for us, So let's make sure we know who everyone is playing.
So, Judy, who, what's your character's name? Ah? You may
recognize my character from the Calamity James. The Lovely Gigi, much like her
necromatic powers, is back. So I am a tie fling necromancer. So
I got Fireball and raised the dead, and I love to use them together.
All right, are oh boy? So I decided that I was going
to task myself with having a fourteen syllable long name. Please don't ever make
me say this again. But I am Arruda Hilda Mington, Fontina Fortuna Abaci
Swington. Please call me Hilda, and I'm actually mysterious Lady of Nature.
I am a druid and a half work, probably slightly less stoned than the
druids I'm accustomed to playing with. Slightly. Oh wait till you find out
more. All right, we don't have anything from last we left our heroes.
But before we find out where they're starting, have you gotten your tickets
to Authors and Dragons Con yet? If you want to see this group of
miscreants live and in person in Portland Oregon this August. You need to get
over to Authors and Dragons dot com click on the button for A and D
con and get your tickets and reserve your hotel room now because we'd love to
see you see us as we do this live and you can watch and determine
for yourself whether our quest competence is at all fruitful spoiler alert, Probably not.
This is not an unfamiliar way to start a campaign, and it's certainly
not unfamiliar to our characters. All of you awaken in jail again. All
of your equipment has been removed. You are dressed in your in normal clothing,
whatever you were wearing under whatever armor you had on. If that was
nothing, then they loaned something. There are no jorcerys in this campaign.
You are not showing off your wonder to the guards. But how must one
not commune with nature without being close to being natural oneself? The fact that
you're in a jail by itself means that you're not going to be communing with
nature, because there is nature all around us. There is fungus, there's
mold, there is certainly something crawling in the corner of this cell. So
I would argue that you cannot define that this is not in some way nature.
I mean, I've got natural I've got I've got essential oils to repel
the things crawling around, Like I can make you up a blend. If
you don't have anything for that, why would you want you? I want
to be friends with I would like I would like the crawley things repelled.
Please. I will wear the plant based trappings acceptable for one of my station.
I'm just laughing at the thought of wearing armor. Oh my god,
I can imagine the horror. Oh my god. So are this whole new
experience for Gigi and harful? Yeah, horriful. Are we locked in to
individual cells? Or can we like see each other and stuff? Well,
let's start by telling me what you would like to do. You wake up
on account, you wake up on a cot in a cell? Could they
take my pamphlets and other motivational materials? You have nothing but your clothing.
I knew I should have stopped after the second bottle of rose. I have.
I have my clothing and a headache. How big are the bars on
the door? About six inches apart, so wider than a rat's skull,
perhaps wider than a mouse's skull. I hope. Yeah. Yeah, well
not every rat is your giant city variety. I'm talking just the modest rat.
Come about modest house mottom Mouth would be excellent, all right, am.
I would like to look and see if I can see a guard and
some keys. Because I don't need components to I could cast maige hand and
gently float a little spectral hand over there and big moove you my way out
of here. Move over to the bars of the cage and roll me a
perception check. No, don't roll me a perception check. There are two
guards standing outside your cell. You can see him plainly. Okay, you're
not an abject idiot, not yet. Yeah, okay, all right,
so yeah, fine of keys. Now for that you will have to roll
me perception yeah, kicking off strong with a five. You cannot see any
keys anywhere on the guards and are not really sure you remember what a key
looks like. I shouldn't have had beer. I'm I'm inspecting the lock on
my door. Is there a lock on my door? The door is locked,
and you can see the backside of it, which is a blank steel
plate. But I can reach around. I'm good at the reach around.
That's admirable, and yeah, and yes, you can reach around and fiddle
with the lock and you feel a keyhole. You can't feel anything inside,
but it feels relatively well maintained. There aren't tons of rust flaking off on
your hands, so it's generally not it's generally okay. The lock feels like
it feels stirred. I'm sorry to hear that for those For those of you
across the hall, you see one of the other prisoners wander over to the
to his bars. He's a dashingly handsome elf with long flowing grayish white hair.
Oh there's an elf boy. And he turned he and he like you
know. He puts his face up against the bars. He says, guards,
come here, aren't you the one they call face eater? Yes,
come here, so that Moog may strangle you and then compulate with your corpse.
I have never been so aroused in a jail cell. I think I'm
going to turn into a modest mouse. Curiously, I am unarroused. The
guard thinks about that for a second and says, I don't know what copulate
means, but I'm not interested in being a corpse, so that's gonna be
a no from me, Bob, I'm gonna I'm gonna reach through uh the
bars and go you who you who? Mister g Hard I'm here. No,
Oh, come on. You know I told you I didn't do anything.
It wasn't me. I've been wrongly accused, and I need you to
go and talk to your boss, whoever that is, and get him in
here so that I can tell him again that this is all a misunderstanding.
Look, you guys, just hang out, behave, and you'll all be
brought before before Lord Verona, before too long. If you'll just be patient,
he's gonna see you all. He's got plans for all of you.
Well, I mean I have plans for you. I mean I've got these
essential oils that would just definitely help with your complexion, because I can see
from even over here that you have little spots and I know that they hurt.
So just come here. I'll give you the essential oil package that I've
made up, and then you can go get your boss and he can come
and let me out, because this is not my fault. I don't belong
here, lady. We literally took everything you own except your clothes. If
you have any essential oils on you I don't want to know where they came
from, and I sure ain't robbing them on my skin, so no,
I can show you an interesting way to use essential oils. Run get them
all, I'll show you. You know. I think I'm a kay's take
in the jail. Actually I was going to try and like escape, but
honestly, like, I don't know what's happening out there, and I don't
want to thank you for doing your job. Gods, you're wonderful. Mamma
guard. Let's move out, or Moog will find you. Google will find
your family, Moog will find your pets. Moog will shut the hell up.
Luke, sweetie, I think you need some anchor management because it's not
healthy for you to be that mad all the time. I agree. She
has lights person next door shut up or find you too, please. Loog
will find me. Then what all of the guards as one, take little
balls of wax from pouches on their belts and jam those balls of wax into
their ears, effectively canceling out any attempts at persuasion you may be making.
Does it make it easier for a mouse to slip out of the cage since
they can't hear mice don't make a whole lot of noise when they run most
of the time. But probably sure, what are these other idiots like,
I'm sorry, I am assuming, but they are all in jail. M
I'm so, I are you were throwing to me? No? No,
I'm sorry, squeak just about No, you're still in your You're still in
your two legged form for now. Oh, I can't wild I don't want
to wild shape. Please into amounts you attempt to wild shape? Yes,
I do you do not? This is annoying? Yes, unfortunately is I
usually have anti magic bilures around these because, like me, I don't actually
need very many things to cast a spell like I could like this whole place
on fire right now with just a few jests and words, So they usually
are like no, no magic zone. So unfortunately, whatever you're trying to
do, it's not going to work. But good effort. Are you just
insufferable or are you French? Yes? Well I'm glad we cleared that way.
Yeah, hot face eating guy, listen, listen to horn woman,
half face orc. No magic here, otherwise this move would be surrounded by
bodies. That's actually that's we have got to talk later. Um did you
actually eat people's faces because do you know the amount of saturated bath that's in
animal products? Have you ever considered moog eats enemies, shits them out,
and eats them again. Meat is an organic, well, at least that's
recycling. I'm trying to gesture to the guard for wax. Meat is an
organic. Yeah, yeah, could I have some of the wax please?
I can't each of you who want wax roll persuasion. Hey eighteen, the
guard takes two little balls of wax out of his pouch, rolls them across
the floor. Yeah, I'm apparently not very persuasive today on account of being
annoyed that they took my pamphlets. So I will blow a Keith with a
four. The guard that is nearest your cell, Hilda, the guard that
is nearest your cell just stares at you and no, is it because I
told you that lentils were better than pork? Because they are. No,
it's because I used all the wax in my own ears. And he jams
He jams his finger in his ear deeper to try and block out more of
the town. You really shouldn't put anything in your ear canal that's bigger than
your finger. It's not healthy. That is true. You could permanently damage
google jam things your ears, jam them till they go all the way through
and on where you have rolled an twenty on persuasion. So the nearest guard
to your cell, ping yourself, you're this purple and right, Yeah,
this guard comes. This guard moves closer, he stays out of arm's reach.
That's fine, because again, not an idiot. And he tosses a
ball of wax to you. That looks like it's large enough to divide into
two ear plugs. I catch it, or do I catch it? If
you don't, you can pick it up. Okay, it's not going to
go very far. You so much. It is just a glob of wlack.
Yeah, I just slip it in my pocket. I'm not worried about
the sound, but I figured it might be useful down the road. So,
all right, you have a ball of wax. It smells a little,
I'm sure, but you know you're in a you're in a jail.
Most things smell a little, probably from the suffering of the bees that had
to make that. I don't think that wax came from a bee. But
you go ahead thinking that, yes, much suffering. Alrighty. After a
while, the doors at the end of the hall open up, and a
stocky dwarf comes in, looks around, nods to the guards. Just brang
them up, and the guards come over to your cell and unlock the doors.
Yeah, how much better? Thank you. Well, it's about time
you'd have more energy if you switch to a plant based diet. That's all
I'm going to say on the matter, since you took my pamphlets. Now
doors unlocked, we kill all Hey, sexy face eater boy, can you
lower it just a little bit until we're like properly geared for killing and stuff?
Move has hands? I have a feeling he's already always properly geared.
Yes, but it's messy. Yeah, welcome to tie. I will watches
with hands. Move? Would that be efficient? Though? Think about how
much more ripping and murdering and killing and maiming you could do if you could
just wait a little bit until the rest of us are out of these cells,
half face or speak very fancy. Yes, Because I have studied the
ways of killing people efficiently, I can teach you if you like. Can
we please go like a little fast deal? Yeah, we can go.
I'm not talking about you. I'm talking to the gun. I don't want
to interrupt the love young love. The guard just gestures towards the door.
Well, I can't move my token, so is a gym forever? Yeah,
I was trying to move it on another screen. I am now on
the correct screen to move. Yeah, but now now you you are free.
Yeah. You hadn't logged into the campaign when I when I've sent that
up earlier today Episode one. Tech problems still better than Bevin in year five.
Yeah, his tech is just curse. I think. Oh yeah,
no, there's the jail. May have an anti magic barrier. Bob has
an anti technology barrier. He's like Harry Dresden. Pretty that's true. Would
right? Okay, does anyone want to do anything before you follow the dwarf
out the door? Following the dwarf out the door? Survive the faith eating
weirdo. That may be a perennial That may be a perennial desire, build
it. What can I say? If you'd read in my background, you
would know my feeling about elf boys. Um yeah, the lead way,
tiny beard Dwarf, All right, follow me. I'll just give a little
curtsey to the guards. Let see you again soon. Laugh. Thanks guys,
I don't forget. We have a meeting next Thursday. When move gets
orphans splitter back? Who will make you hold me until the guard? As
I passed by? I told you this wasn't my fault. I told you
this wasn't my fault. The dwarf leads you up a narrow staircase and down
a long hallway too. You can have more than one map in a game.
You can't. Madness, it's madness. I say, all right,
you enter a large room. It looks kind of like a throne room.
I know, you know what makes it look like the throne room? The
throne, the big throne, throne. At one end of the room,
there is a dark skinned man in very expensive attire standing before the throne,
and your dwarven escort motions for you to wait by the door, and walks
up to stand next to this obviously important personage. Is this person a human?
This person is indeed a human? Do they smell nice? He's He's
over fifty feet away, so you're gonna have to roll perception to see if
you can smell him from there. I mean, you know what I mean
by does he smell nice. That's right, you know what I mean.
But he's fifty feet away, right, I do you would? I don't
care they do this, that they should be far more efficient than this,
and we should be out already. I smell humans good. Yes, you
do smell humans good. From somewhere on that side of the room. You
smell leather and rust and oil for chain mail and swords. You smell flatulence.
It's set. The flatulence is centered over on this side of the room,
notably around that guard. You smell mead, lots of mead, mead,
meades lead me and tasty man flash, and you do smell someone that
smells lean Oooh okay, remember my beans, remember my mental mempithet glorious choice
of kale do ah. The man steps forward to stand conspicuously directly between two
guards. I didn't say I was subtly smelling him. No, you didn't.
You may approach. Well, it's about time I told you all that
this was not my fault. I didn't say. You may speak. Moog
does not like you. Lord Alois Roonin does not give a shit what Mood
likes. Now, I believe some introductions are in order. As I mentioned,
I am ord aloicious veronin. I am the Mayor of Alberk and I
am in need of a band of worthy adventurers. Barring the presence of worthy
adventurers, I have selected you lot in their stebat Joy. You have all
committed various offenses that would normally that would normally result in a minimum of two
to four weeks residents in our dungeon. Some of you, he is looking
very specifically at on were some of you have stepped on the wrong side of
the law for not the first time. Shall we say, you know it's
a job. This is a thumb removing offense in your case, No,
no, no, no, no, no no, this I'm not what
do you do with the thumb? Nothing I did. I'm not in for
stealing anything. This the we were entirely consenting. I am willing to offer
you an alternative if you choose to undertake a mission for myself for the goodness
of the city. I am willing to drop all charges against you, pardon
any past offenses, and grant a certain level of immunity for future crimes that
may be performed in the commission of your duties. In other words, will
be privateersm so Moog work for you. Moo killed people for free. Wog
like that is, in short, exactly what I'm saying, mister Moog,
face eater, son of Narl gut splitter, son of Mark testicle crusher.
I've heard of him. That's awfully specific. How descriptive? Do you eat
anything else? Or will we be required to provide face is for you to
consume in the performance of your work for the city. Moog leads in fancy
fancy human not smart. It just name faces too chewy. It is true
you have to braise them for hours. I mean in theory. It looks
a little disturbed you too. Wow, what are you talking about? Have
I told you about the wonders of a plant based diet? Why don't you
tell me a little about yourselves so that I'm a tailor the equipment that we
will provide you with to your specific needs. Mister face eater, what exactly
do you do other than eat? And from and from what George the bailiff,
He points towards the dwarf. From what George was telling me, You
copulate with corpses when corpses deserve it. They never deserve Moog, Mighty Warrior
raised to be Berserker, but then Moog die and Moo brought back. Now
Moog learned magic so that Moog can get revenge on enemies in most violent way
possible. I see all right. He turns back to George and says fighter.
George just gives him a nod. That what Moog say? And you,
he points towards on were Who are you thief? And what do you
bring to the table? As it were? I am I am searching for
joy in every day of my life. I love to play games, I
love to drink and sing in the pubs and occasionally go home with someone attractive
and completely consenting. Of course, as in my case, this was completely
consenting, And I can't help it that the bartender's son was so attracted to
me. But we were completely consenting, and we were just having fun.
And I don't really understand why he felt the need to bring charges, but
some parents are like that. It's just it's heartbreaking, really. I think
perhaps the fact that every piece of jewelry in the house was missing when you
left might have more to do with the charges than your liaison with his son.
Did you find the jewelry on me? You have all my things no,
we did not, and that is why you are still in possession of
your thumbs. I do like my thumbs. They're very useful, Yes they
are. I believe that it strongly limits your drinking when you have to hold
your mug with flippers. Yes, I much prefer one handed drinking. So
like, I can show you that need that I smell over there, that
smells really nice. Sure. George kind of blushes and says that was I
could have swore Nut had a mentor something. Shucks. So he looks too,
Gigi, And what exactly are you am? I am an ecomaniac's magic.
I can also do UM seven of the other schools. But my partner
high school of study was Necomanci, so we zailed wizard. I don't want
to give you my information. Yes, okay, I see, He turns
back to George. Really, this is the best way you've got. George's
kind of shrugs, which is far noisier while wearing full plate than kutrum rum
rum. You tall one that's talking about plant? What are what I know?
You know who I am? Okay, this is not my first time
here, and I will continue to come forth and preach about the wonders of
truth and peace and nature and never letting an animal suffer, because those who
make animals suffer deserve to die. Look, you know me as Hilda Swington,
and perhaps may have also known me as Lisa Koya, daughter of the
Woodland Circle. Yes, that Woodland Circle. But I have switched to an
entirely plant based diet for obvious reasons, and I will do anything in my
power to protect life, even if I have to kill everyone in my way.
Every I'm working on myself, Okay. I have gone through a lot,
a lot of clerical therapy, and I think I'm making a breakthrough every
single guard and the mayor has taken a step back, as Hilda has been
talking, because yes, they are very familiar with your particular Druidic circle.
Yes, and I am that green skinned Yes I know. I am known
as the Butcher of a thousand field, scourge of the South, and the
person who well, yes you know, yes, I believe also you have
been referred to as the Maller of mccanniville. I believe you were also known
as Yeah, the Roaster of Rolandis. To be fair, we actually braised
most of Rolandis, but roaster sounded better because of the alliteration, and you
had me and jail. We'll respect going up. George is naughty, Yes,
and my mother would probably be very grateful if I did some more community
service and improved the reputation of the Woodland Circle. So I am sticking fairy
religiously to my plant paste diet. See that you do? Of course,
he turns to George no jerky in the trail rations. George looks stricken,
but nods. And now at last he turns to Trinkarn And who might you
be twincarn first is going to pat her on the back and say good job,
sweetie. Therapy is a good choice for you. Also stay organic in
that plant based diet. Ali, Honey, have you had a chance to
try out that sample kit that I gave you? Have you have you decided
if you're going to join the group, Because I mean, if even if
you join in you decide not to sell those oils yourself, you can still
get a significant discount, and if you really need to make additional money,
you can recruit other people to help you sell and to make your team the
best it can be. I have been considering it. You're you're looking a
little sallow. It looks like you might need some more. I mean,
I just had a treatment last night. I thought i'd be Okay, which
one are you using? What order? He gives himself a little shakes us.
Wait, no, that's not what we're here for. This is not
about essential oils. When we'll have a we'll have a little session and I'll
help you out. Thanks, But you're also facing multiple fraud charges brought upon
you by many of the founding mothers of the town. Thus, it was
felt like, I said, this is a misunderstanding. Any corporation is triangularly
shaped. It doesn't really matter about the shape of it if we're all working
together towards the same goal to make money, and I want to help you
succeed and live a better life through essential oils. And then you know,
once we get you going with that, I'll make sure that my friends from
the Silver Flame can come and talk to you as well, because we need
to approach your life in a holistic way. Mailed you call me a theory
is they're an essential oil to make me forget this conversation. Look, I'm
here for it, but they pay my salary. Okay, okay, just
go along with it. Okay later, okay, okay. Now, given
your current standing within the town, I believe that it would be best if
you traveled with these other miscreants to aid them in the quest I may bestow
upon you. And She's gonna turn around and look at him, look up
at all of them, because she's a halfling, and she's gonna knowdge like,
Yeah, they definitely need my help. You know. I'm I'd be
delighted to talk to you about oils, although I don't think I want to
use them for the reason that you want me to use them. But you
know, we can talk later. So I mean, we have other groups
for that. These are plant based oils, are they not? They are
hagan they are, They are gluten free, they are organic. They are
the best thing that you can add to your diet today. Oh dear God,
So what is this quest? What are we doing? I am very
far away because I want to not be a part of this. But what
are we doing? I need you first, I need all of you to
take a step back. You're very strange, and I that's not how you
great loyalty. I you know someone who is above you in society. You're
right it's not, and yet here we are. You did pull it out
of puison, to be honest, so I don't know what you expected.
I expected not to talk about eating faces and copulating with corpses, to be
fair, faces are actually not really edible. Can we move past that?
Just faste good? And I didn't talk about any of that anyway. So
yeah, this quest, Yes, God give us the quest. My daughter.
My daughter has been afflicted by a foul spell that can only be broken
with the Gem of Fu Marsh. I need you to find it. It
is set in a brilliant platinum amulet, and it is said to be able
to cure even the most vile disease or dispel the most powerful magic. She
seems to have been poisoned in some way. She sleeps and cannot be awakened
by clerical magic, by wizards, warlocks, sorcerers, the fae. No
one has been able to help. We sent for the sages at Candle Keep,
and they reply that only the Gem of Foo Marsh can break what evil
power holds my dearest Rosalind in slumber. We have a question, yes,
moo, so so daughter not wake up no matter who try. Yes,
so have you considered just burying daughter could sound like she did. Have you
tried cleansing her aura with some quartz and amethest and lay a moonstone or two
on her chest? And and I always on a red lady, where the
damn gem? And where do we go so we can be pathed? So
rude? Really, I think it just sounds to me like she's a teenager.
I have anointed her with every oil in your catalog, and I have
arranged crystals in every pattern you taught me, and nothing has worked. And
as far as we know, hold on, I gotta look at my nuts.
Dramatic plans, dramatic breaths. But the last sighting we had of the
gem, or anyone with knowledge of the gem, was in the town of
Anduran, which rests three days ride east of here. Right, I haven't
killed anyone there, thank goodness. Ride horses unless you prefer to. Right,
don't don't start that, don't finish that sentence, don't do it.
Don't do it. Back in, I go out your clan. When warrior
not wake up, we pour oil on them too. Then we set them
on fire. We are and if they knock it up, answer question,
my daughter on fire? But would answer question sounds like she did it.
That's not how you use incense, Sweetey, you get out of curiosity if
she doesn't make up what is happening to her body, just purely academic question.
You will be interred in the Royal crypt with all of the other deceased
members of our family, and do not ask me any other questions that will
make me think that you want to eat my daughter's corpse. Please, I
would certainly not eat your daughter's corpse. So daughter's corps, so you agree
that she did it was worth it? I can't help it. I have
not moved beyond my sarcasm phase despite my therapy. All right, so we
need to go east. Are you providing horses and equipment? Good, sir
is Unless we irritate him some moment, I won't eat your daughter until she's
dead. We will in fact provide you with horses, and we will in
fact return all of your equipment to you, including your sample kit. He
look at Trincarnar, and I have also provided. We have also raided the
Royal Armory for some additional weapons which we feel may be of use to you.
Mood listening, he gestures off to one side and George goes over.
George heads over to these doors. He on the side of the room,
opens one of and says, bring in the stuff. Okay, those are
sexy words. Don't go breaking my oils there, George. I'm a sexy
beast. You know. I've never had a dwarf before. I mean,
I've had a druid or two chalking it into some funkey stuff wild shape.
Here, I'm here for it. I'm not sure her head is the same
as your head. Have you ever done the one by the edge of the
water, If you know what I mean? Good times. I like you,
dwarf. Good thing, because you're going to be stuck with me for
a while, lady. The mayor clears us thought, oh yes, George
will be accompanying you as my emissary and your guarantee of good behavior. To
fine good George gets to define that good. I'll set you down by a
pond, George. A row of porters come in bearing all of your equipment,
and in addition to that, one comes in with a small chest.
He walks over to the mayor, and the mayor takes the chest and opens
it. He reaches inside and hands a gem encrusted rod he holds it up
and George comes back over and takes that. Then he holds the open chest
out in your direction. Before you may begin this quest, I'm going to
need some guarantees of your good behavior. Please put these on. Inside the
chest are about eight different bangles. They look big, especially for trincaren.
But those of you with and those of you with knowledge are kana trained,
could roll a check to see if you had any idea what they were.
Who rolls the twelve? All right? On? Where and Gigi? You
recognize these as bracelets of detonation kinky. They're frequently used on prisoners and kind
of like golems. They work with a control rod and if the trigger word
is uttered while someone is wearing the bracelet of detonation, whatever's attached to them
usually blows up. And now please put these on, Moo and respect this.
I'll just slap it on. I probably deserve this. It sizes perfectly
to fit to fit your arm. I choose one that matches my outfit.
This makes Moove happy. Moog will either find success or will drown forever in
the cauldron of mighty Anderak in the afterlife. Please stop, I have to
actually do work or sexy. At least it's silver, and it's not going
to clash with my stones. You'll notice that as you grip the bracelet before
you even put it on, it does change color to match perfectly whatever you're
wearing. How wonderful doesn't clash with the green I used one of your crystals,
Trin Karen, that's kind of a new thing for the black bracelets of
detonation. What do you think? Well done? Well done. I'll give
you some notes afterwards just to let you improve. But have an important question,
Yes, soap move, what happened? If naws off own arm,
then I suppose I don't have to worry about blowing up your arm. But
you know, I've always wanted to try if mending would work on a detached
arby, because at that point it's technically a non magical item. Feel free
to try any of these, but if you do chew off your own arm,
understand that George will likely detonate the bracelets on all of your friends as
well. Wait move other question, why move care? Moog does not care.
He's not my friends, but perhaps some of your friends will. Overreacting
your question, your question, druid, Oh no, it was it was
that he didn't care if we gnaw off his arm, though, do we
all explode or just him? I will leave that to George's discretion. Okay,
thank you for clarifying. Definitely has a look on his face that says
he is really anxious to try out the command words. He's kind, he's
like pressing on he's pressing on the gems on the rod. He's he's grinning.
He's like a little kid with a new toy. Stop that, just
stop. I will remember to commune with healing word tonight. George Moog's uncle,
grunt Hobbit Smasher, had no arms and no legs and was still fierce
warrior. Is he still alive? No? So all right? What else
is? What is in the non Bengal of blow up? Your All of
your gear, plus each of your primary weapons seem to have been slightly improved
by their time in the city. Lock up, as does your armor?
Your armor feel your armor fits more perfectly your or it's a little cleaner than
normal. And for those of you that did not have armor, he says,
it's going to be a dangerous road, little tiefling, you should have
you should take this, and he hands you a cloak that fairly ripples with
magical energy. So what are the benefits of these other than being cleaner?
They're all plus one? All right? So armor and weapon, armor and
your primary weapon. Primary weapon got you out of character, but still for
both the party and and our friends at home. I've turned off incumbrance on
all your character sheets. We're not counting encumbrance and I'm not counting ammunition,
So I'm not going to let you carry just random You can't steal infinite weight
of stuff. But I'm also not going to try to pay attention to the
weight of coins. And also you're not going to run out of arrows or
bolts or my satchel of crystals. Yes, but if you choose to use
things like hand ACKs as javelins or spears has thrown weapons, those you need
to keep count of because that's kind of a normal behavior of throwing away your
only weapon is dumb. But yes, you have plenty of ammunition forever.
All right. If you're all geared up and ready to go, does anyone
have anything they would like to ask the mayor anything else they would like to
say do before you head out? I am just going to double check that
all of my stuff is actually there. If we do badly, this isn't
going to be told to my parents, is it? Because that might get
you all killed. I'm not going anywhere near your clan under any circumstances without
an entire army behind me. So you know what happened to the last army
that tried that? Right? Yes, okay, I just I wanted to
prevent a misunderstanding, because understanding that was a barbecue. Actually, yes it
was. There was some slow cooking. Yes, they sent me legs that
was considered a gift for soldier legs. Well, next time asked for them
to be grilled. Shesh, I mean or lentils. Lentils are also a
wonderful source of protein. This you remind me of a pub about a warrior
named Amos Moses who lived in a swamp. Yes, yeah, and I
thought, just enough mushrooms, you get that savory umammy. It's true I
do love umammy. But we should probably not talk about cooking. We should
probably go get a gem because otherwise we're going to be stuck together for a
long time. And do you really want to be around if I start getting
angry? Honey, it's it's okay. I'm trained in therapy. I can
help you out. I can help you meditate. We'll get you some crystals.
We'll get you some calming essential oils. We'll get you right before we
get back home. George starts walking like a tour guide, holding an accept
Instead of holding an umbrella, he's holding the rod that will blow your arms
off. Come along, little ducklings, let's go. We've got a gem
to steal and a princess to wake up. Is she technically a princess if
she is a daughter of the mayor? Not really, but a mayor likes
to call her a princess. That's fine, that's it. That's a tilm
of endealment. Is very sweet. Yeah, I tried. That's been a
week in the dungeon myself after that one. That's why do you think I've
got Why do you think I'm stuck going with you idiots? I'm sorry,
car and will just like blow the mayor a chase and wave and wink at
him. Let us let us go find fancy rock and then lap his dead
daughter does not wake Hey, at least then you have snacks. I mean
purpose. We need to talk about the We need to talk about consent a
lot. Okay, I want either the fastest horse as the slowest horse,
because I don't want to be in the middle. Please George the bailiff looks
at you, nods and says, you know, it was the first time
I've ever been with a bunch where the necrom answer is one of the least
creepy people. And I am perfectly normal. I am honestly like, I
am very chill. You know, there are several demonic members of my birth
family. What I'm quite young. We are the very diverse whoop in our
interest and the teeth that tiefling a boy and with is meant for a sharp
teeth for whipping and telling. So I'm not applies. But we are going
to walk and we are going to get done beautiful horses, and we are
going to enjoy the seed Nellie, and we are going to go find a
woobie and in my bag I'll find you. I'll find you some grapefruit oils
and that's great for curbing cravings, and also some peppermint. Not only that,
that peppermint will help calm, keep you calm. You won't be craving
anything, and we'll be fine. Everything will be fine and really good for
cravings, really good for cravings meat or ale or its explosions. Sleep with
one eye open, dwarf who does not sleep. You don't sorry, sorry,
sorry, it was gonna get me in this much trouble. I would
have just deserted instead of trying to make out with the sleeping chick. Cheez
next next time, I'm going to pay attention to consent, I promise,
And with that, and with that, Georgia opens the doors and leads you
to the stables, where you may equip yourself with horses and saddles and trail
rations and everything you will need for next time on the Quest for Competence.
Thank you all for joining us. Get out there and pick up some of
the books by the fantastic authors here, including me, and get your tickets
for Authors and Dragons Con, and also join us on our Facebook and if
you are in our Patreon, and if you're not, why not. If
you're in our patreon, on our discord send us questions for next time about
these ridiculous characters that we've come up with, and starting with next episode,
we will have a question time at the end of every show. So thank
you all. Very much, and we'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Bye. Autors and Dragons brought to you into a Creative Commons license,
meaning you were free to share this material so long as credit is given to
those who created it, which is us. People. You just heard to
play the game opening and closing themes performed by the Gore Core four. Curiously,
I am unroused.