This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k I Am six forty,
The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app Doctor Doctor Ginny the
News. I gotta's loving you KF I Am six forty. You have Doctor
Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Weals Show. If you're
new to my show. I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm obsessed
with the science of love. I've written a number of books on relationships and
I am intent on making sure that I spread the science of love. Yes,
it's a science of love to everybody, and I want us all to
have better mental health together. Producer Kayla, how you doing. I am
wonderful, Doctor Wendy is great to see your beautiful face. I'm sorry to
totally change subjects, but I heard that has a country and Western song,
two of them. Yeah, apparently she has two country songs and she's actually
releasing a country album. It's the Renaissance Taxu. She's Texans Texan. Did
you know the original cowboys were black? I didn't know that. Yeah,
that's why they call them cowboys. In the history, they were men,
cow men, is what they were. Why but when you're raising Huesday boy,
but historically yeah. So anyway, just saying I can't wait to hear
them. They're really good. They're really good songs, good for her getting
back to her roots. So this week I was up at my farm in
Oregon doing my own little country thing, and I have to tell you know,
I teach health. Psychology is one of the things I teach at cal
State Channel Islands, and there's been so much research on spending time in nature
and how it increases your immune system. Right, everything gets healthier. And
I feel it even though it was raining like it is here, but you
know, spending time with my little goats, my chickens. We have a
few baby lambs up there now, and just being out in nature, I
just feel happier, calmer. But later in the show, I have a
guest coming on who actually has a wearable kind of vibrator thing you put on
your ankle that can help reduce anxiety according to him, and I'll talk about
my experience with it in a little while. Also, I want to do
a small little announcement. Years ago, I wrote for a new website at
the time called Datingadvice Dot com, but this week they hired me back as
their ambassador, So check out some of the good articles on datingadvice dot com.
Just want to mention that, and I also wanted to say that producer
Kaylin. I have actually designed a whole new Patreon on my Patreon group,
so I put all my books up there, my podcast, my zoom rooms,
everything, So if you want to co come over and well meet me.
I'm there on a zoom every Wednesday. That's patreon dot com slash doctor
Wendy Walsh. You know, this morning, my daughter walked into my room.
She's twenty, and she said, mom, TikTok has screwed up love
for gen Z, screwed up love for gen Z. I said, really,
honey, how was that? She said, well, on the girl's
side of TikTok, they have totally made it seem like if he doesn't step
up, and if he doesn't do this and he doesn't do that, then
you should dump him. And there was so much pressure on Valentine's Day.
Apparently, even if you're a grown person in your twenties, you are supposed
to have your guy ask you if you would be his Valentine, kind of
like third grade but a lot was riding on this because according to certain TikTokers,
you should dump him if he doesn't. And so she was saying to
me, that gets in my head, and it gets in all the girl's
heads. The other thing, apparently on the girl's side of TikTok is there
being fed videos by influencers and say if a dude doesn't have money, don't
even go on a date with it, to which I said, well,
you know, historically, darling, during the very vulnerable years of pregnancy,
nursing, and child raising, women needed to have somebody who could provide economically.
But now we're at a new time where we are racing towards a matriarchy.
We're not there yet, but we've seen twenty years or more of a
growing feminization of college campuses, far more women getting college degrees than men in
America. There was a milestone we passed. I think it was three years
ago. Or we actually have more women in the American workforce than men.
Okay, not enough skirts and stilettos and boardrooms, not enough women owning companies,
but more female employees than male employees. So it's making it's confusing for
young women because they're like TikTok's telling me that he's got to have money if
I'm going to go out with him. But I'm the one with a job.
I'm the one doing better. So I always say to you, very
successful, powerful women, your idea of a power guy might just be a
guy who can power a stroller. Also, there was even an article in
the Wall Street Journal this week, but it's something that I've heard come up
a lot. The article in the Wall Street Journal was called stay at home
girlfriends are having a moment. No, honestly, with my daughters, I've
actually said to them, Oh, that's a nice girl. What does she
do? You know? He asked, like, what does your friend do?
Oh, she's a stay at home girlfriend. I'm like, what that
sounds like a highly risky profession, highly risky, no legal protections of marriage.
The main job besides serving him a little breakfast, I guess a little
dessert lighter is self care. Apparently they go to yoga and pilates, and
they get their facials, and they go to the go get beautiful, and
they are stay at home girlfriends. Let me tell you something. The biggest
downfall for women in our evolution was being forced to trade reproduction read sex reproduction
for survival, and I worry about young women who are eating up their fertility
window without the protection of education, a budding career, or the legal support
of marriage. So a stay at home girlfriend apparently is a cool thing on
TikTok, they are putting out videos about how great their life is. I'm
sorry if you have to depend on a man one hundred percent for everything and
you have no protections of marriage. And some of these stay at home girlfriends
are having babies too. Oh I was that, No, No, I
was supporting everybody. That's what it was. I was at a stay out
homegirlfriend and I was out there working girlfriend, but also not having the support
of marriage put me into that single mom life for a long time. Actually
have a lot of friends who aspire to that, like I just I know,
it's I just want to know. Yeah, I just want to be.
I just want I don't I never want to work. There's nothing I
want to do. I just want to stay at home and be taken care
of. But do you know what a dwindling population of guys who can afford
to support a woman are, Right, that's a problem, right, They're
they're smaller and small of that group. Okay, so that's on the girl's
side of TikTok, on the boys side of TikTok. She says, there
are all these videos that say, is she crackable? How to tell?
Do you know what crackable means? In old fashioned language? It means is
she easy? Can I obtain sex from her without much sacrifice? Now it's
called crackable? And then the word for easy. If your kids are using
this language, I got to understand is bop. She's a bop? And
I said, what does bop stand for? And my daughter said, nothing,
just means she's a bop, she's easy. I can bop on,
have sex, bop off. I know, you know, And I was
in high school. This is how disgusting men talked when a girl was short
and small and tiny. You know what? They called her a spinner?
I know. I see the look on Kaylea's face, the objectification of it
all. And also I can't believe how old I am. I don't even
know this bop sling. I don't wop is a thing. Wow, Now
here's the other thing. So you know how it apparently love bombing is having
a moment. I've been talking about love bombing for two years on TikTok.
Folks, you can go see some of my viral videos where I was talking
about love bombing. Love Bombing is where they come on strong and make you
think they're really into you so that you have sex with them early on.
And so what guys are doing on TikTok, these male influencers is they're bragging
to other guys that they're a professional love bomber. And this is how to
do it right. I will tell all the women out there right now,
there's one way to determine if he's there for the long haul, which is
delay the onset of the sexual relationship and see how much he sacrifices. That
doesn't mean playing hard to get yesterdays. It doesn't mean playing games. It
means interviewing, well, investigating, assessing. Take it some time, see
him. He's up to be a friendship. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from KFI AM six forty. Okay, So I'm talking about new
lingo that the young people are using that basically is the same. It's just
another version of all the old stuff. But here's one that's a little bit
different. Did you know, young women are often referring to their boyfriends as
a baby girl. And guess what. Here's the great news. It's not
an insult. It's actually a compliment. It's not considered a putdown. In
fact, let me ask you this, Kayla, who wrinkled up her forehead
when I said that anyone who reads something feminine as a pejorative as a negative
A question? Where's that patriarchy? Is it rolling around our heads? Okay?
It was the baby part. Okay, So here's what baby girl means.
It refers to an emotionally evolving man who's acting like any other human being.
He's set free from the man box. He's safe to feel vulnerable,
relaxed, and not insecure when she leads. Also, part of the whole
baby girl thing is that he's also kind of cute and adorable as he fumbles
around with his new emotional honesty. Can a boy be cute and do that
with his emotion? Why does that have to be compared to a girl?
Can't boy be emotionally smart? Baby boy? Yeah, you know what's funny?
Why we can't say baby my nickname for Julio's baby boy. See,
and he's in tell emotionally. Yep, that he is very but he has
his moments where he's so dude, and I'm just like, I want to
shake him, because they are they have different brains, and they're a good
compliment for our brains. I just want to say that. But every once
in a while they get so rational and so analytical, and you're like,
can't you say the emotional content and what's happening? But anyway, he does
learn. So let me tell you why the term baby girl has taken off.
You know, there has been research is taken off specifically around daters and
single people. There's been lots of research to show that one of the top
dating traits preferred by women who are reading men's profiles on dating apps is that
they're emotionally availed, or that they're in therapy, or that they're doing the
work of trying to be more emotional. Right, So women today are depending
a lot. They're demanding a lot more than say, a body and a
paycheck. All right, we want an emotional mate too. In fact,
a couple of years ago, I remember reading the dating app hinge. If
you've ever been on that one, they found that eighty eight percent of their
users prefer to data person who is in therapy or actively taking care of their
mental health. By the way, that doesn't just mean yoga and meditation.
You know what that is. That's calming your central nervous system because you have
so much anxiety, but you're not learning anything. When people say, oh,
I took a year off from dating so I could grow, and I
sat on a mountaintop and I meditated and I feel whole, now you know
what I say. You did not grow. You avoided. That's what you
did. The only way to grow in terms of relationship skills is to practice,
to get awkward and get right in there and make mistakes and learn and
grow. So I think it's interesting because I always think about our evolution as
a species, right, that this term baby girl for guys is kind of
cool in my opinion, because I think a growing number of young men,
young men in particular, are sort of issuing the notion of being in alpha
male. They're not making that their goal. Instead, a lot of these
gen Z males are starting to finally not be threatened or intimidated by successful women,
right because a lot of guys are just intimidated. And maybe there are
a lot of normal human being, guys that just want to share life as
cooperative partners. So when it comes to gen Z, this plays out and
who pays for dates, who makes the arrangements? And I have some issues
with that, of course, because you know, I just talked about what's
going on on TikTok, right, And I really believe that at a basic
biological level, sperm still chases egg now in in heteronormative relationships, right,
But in heterosexual relationships, of course they can be more equitable. Although I'm
a big believer that somebody's got to do the chasing, and somebody's got to
be chased, right, So somebody's got to show sacrifice to the person that
they're chasing, right, And so that sacrifice means making the plans or paying
for the plans. I have had gay friends ask me, well, who's
supposed to pay for a first date? We both have jobs, we both
make around the same amount of money, And I always say, whoever does
the asking should do the paying. That's sort of a nice gesture, a
hostedy thing, and the other person can pick up the check the next time,
right. That's kind of cool. But the main thing about baby Girl
is you share the burden of who cries on whose shoulder from time to time.
You know, gen Z, who I keep referring to here, was
born between nineteen ninety seven and twenty twelve. That encompasses both my daughters.
So what age would be talking that ninety seven, that would be age twenty
six, going down to if you're born in twenty twelve, you're only twelve
thirteen years old. Now basically the teenagers, teenagers and up to about age
twenty seven. These kids, as I call them, are the products of
the most recent feminist revolution. You know, we saw the first wave during
the Suffragette movement, the second wave and the seventies when women marched into workplaces
in the eighties, but now we're seeing the third wave has passed. Hashtag
me too. We have more women in the workforce than men. We have
the feminization of college campuses and so and women. By the way, well,
men may enroll in college. Women are completing their degrees at higher rates.
But we're seeing this trend of towards I don't even call it a matriarchy,
towards just being egalitarian, being more human. We're seeing it outside of
dating too. We're seeing male politicians talking openly about their depression treatment, CEOs
taking mental health days and are cool with it. Straight men wearing skirts go
on Instagram, tons of them, stay at home dads wearing babies right,
Female managers leading with a new kind of compassion. We're seeing gender roles within
households in terms of division of labor and childcare starting to become more equitable,
not for everybody, but definitely more equitable for Gen Z than millennials. And
the good news is this is good for men. The more a man is
pushed into the man box, you know, he's limited in what is considered
masculine, where he's got to be, you know, self sufficient, tough,
he's got to have gender roles, rigid men osculan gender roles, hyper
sexuality, aggression, control, all that stuff that puts men in the manbox.
There's been research to show that the more stuck men are in that man
box, the worst mental health they have and the worst physical health. Right,
I think women want men to be vulnerable. My take is we love
a man who can cry, but not very often for the most part.
Guys, you baby girls out there, I think it's fabulous, right,
And for me, what I love it is that this new male norm for
young men is being modeled for older men because remember older men are divorcing too,
and they're meeting women who are beginning to have some new emotional standards.
Right, So I think it's all good. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from KFI Am six forty. I'd like to welcome my Instagram audience.
Good to see you guys. You know, in a few minutes after
this segment, I'm going to be taking a listener's calls with their relationship questions.
I pinned the number up there for Instagram. If you're listening on KFI,
you know the number one eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
That's one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. I'll give it out
at the end of the segment too, But I just want to tell the
Instagram people that you're only going to hear half the conversation because you have to
download the iHeartRadio app to hear the caller as well. So just telling you
that you got to do that before we get to those questions, though,
signs that you were in a secure relationship, you know, A reporter actually
reached out to me this week and was doing a piece for Valentine's Day and
ask me, doctor Wendy, how do you know if you're in a secure
relationship? And you know, my first instinct was to come up with those
kind of abstract concepts like respect, honesty, compromise, trust, And I
thought, do people really know what that feels like in the real world?
Do they know what it looks like in the real world? So I thought
I would break it down, okay, and why don't we start off with
what I think is one of the most important signs that you're in a secure
relationship, and that is that you have respect, well respect for what respect
for your boundaries. I want to stop here and do a little commercial for
what a boundary is, because a lot of people don't understand. They say
things like I'm going to put a boundary on you, I'm going to put
a boundary on him, I'm going to put a boundary on her. No,
the only person you can put a boundary on is yourself. And what
a boundary simply means is this is the behavior that I expect, and when
I don't get that behavior that I expect, this is what the consequence is.
This is how I I will react. This is my consequence. So
it might be something like, let's say you say to somebody, look,
whenever we're arguing, if you start really raising your voice or calling me names,
I'm going to have to walk out of the room. And when you're
calm, we can continue this conversation. So that's a boundary. The boundary
is I don't want to be yelled at, I don't want to be called
names, and I will walk out of the room. I do want to
say this about boundaries. When you first tell somebody, share with somebody that
you have a boundary. You don't have to, by the way, you
can just do it, but it's nice to sort of let them know that
this is what's happening. Is everybody, no matter who they are, no
matter what age they are, even if it's a two year old and you've
said no cookies before dinner, that's a boundary. They're going to test the
rule because a rule is not a rule is not a rule until it's been
tested. So you can't get extra mad when they do the thing that you
just told them not to do, because they want to make sure that's real.
So you say, hey, you know, if you raise your voice
at me when we're arguing, or you call me names, then I Am
going to walk out of the room and we'll have continue to have this conversation
later. So then they start yelling at you during the next fight. You
can't go. But I told you not to raise your voice. I told
you not to call me. Nope, you just get quiet and walk out
of the room. That means the rule has been tested and now it's there.
The boundaries actually there, all right? So do they respect your boundies?
What kind of boundaries? Sexual boundaries? Are they somebody who's just constantly
doing things that you don't want them to do to your body and you've had
a boundary up about that, Well, you're going to have to figure out
what your consequence is going to be. What about financial boundaries? Are they
constantly borrowing money from you and you've said I just can't, Well you've got
to stop. Put a boundary on yourself. Look, whether you're a spender
or a save, does your partner respect you and you work hard to compromise
your different psychologies of money? Right? A boundary around feelings are you allowed?
Are you respected? Are you allowed to express your feelings? Right?
And then a boundary around physical space. Do you have personal items or personal
space that you don't want invaded? Okay? Perfect example, if there's one
diet coke left in the fridge and your partner knows that you like diet coke,
do they drink it anyway? They don't respect you, They don't respect
that boundary, right, all right? Then there's honesty. There's two kinds
of honesties. There's outright lying honesty, and there's withholding information so that you
get a little misled in a secure relationship. Neither kind of lying is okay?
Right. If you've ever caught your partner in a blatant lie, you
know how hard it is to trust them again. Uh. In fact,
there was a research from the Kinsey Institute on what people like and don't like
in dating profiles, and the number one thing that single said they don't like
if it is if anybody lies in their profile. So whether you're lying about
a few inches or a few pounds or a few years when you get why
are you laughing? Kay? Love, I know a few inches, I'm
in height. People don't want their profiles helping their penis. I didn't know
what profile, I just didn't Okay, I'm sorry, okay. Her face
looked at me like the FCC was going to write me up in just a
minute. Anyway, don't lie in your relationships. As uncomfortable as the truth
is, every truth, it builds intimacy, compromise. There's so much research
to show that two brains can accomplish so much more than any single person right
being able to. But that doesn't work if one person has to be one
hundred percent right or in control at all times right. So you're gonna have
to learn how to compromise. And finally, you know you're in a secure
relationship if you feel trust. And guess what. Trust is an inside job.
You see, if we overcome some of the trauma from our early life,
we learn to trust love, we learn to trust people, We learn
to choose partners who are trustworthy. So learning to trust is an inside job.
And finally, always remember, relationships don't make you happy, but happy
people tend to have happy relationships. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand
from KFI AM six forty. I am taking your calls producer, Kayla,
who do we have? We have, Jessica, Kayla, your voice got
higher? I like it. Hi Jessica's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy.
What's your question? Okay? Yeah, So I'm met this guy outside
the seven eleven and he was really charming. He did all the right things.
So we did exchange numbers, but we went out on a date.
I found out that he was fifty eight years old and I'm only thirty three,
so he's a lot older than I was expecting. And you know,
I do like him as a person, but I don't know if I should
continue to date him, like do you think I should try to see if
there's something more there? But first question, what are your relationship goals?
Short term? Long term? Want to have a family? Already have a
family? Tell me the practical family and I would like one. And you
want to have kids? Has he had children? He has no kids,
and he wants them too since he is older. So that's why he's dating
a younger woman, right, because he wants to make sure that you're fertile
myrtle for him. So I guess the question is you know if you like
him or not. I mean we're talking about a twenty five year difference in
age. Is he healthy and fit in your opinion? And is is it.
You know, he mentions he wants to have kids. I hope that's
true, because you don't want to eat up your fertility window with somebody who
isn't interested in that unless you have a big aversion to it. I don't.
I don't think there's a problem. But do this though, This is
super important, Jessica. No matter who you date for the first time,
make sure your friends and family meet him fairly early on. Don't go into
some kind of romantic bubble in a whole bunch of days. Just bring him
like on group dates with friends and family doing stuff so other people can check
them out. That's very important. But thank you so much for calling.
I think it sounds like could be a good thing. You welcome, all
right, Producer, Kayla. Who do we have next? Do we have
John? With a question? John? Hello? John, It's doctor Wendy.
Are you doing good? How are you? I'm doing well? Calling
from Denver? From Denver? Hi, what's your question? John? Denver?
My question is, as far as I mean, my wife and I
we have two different bathrooms. He uses one, I use the other.
H but you go into her bathroom and on the sink it has her makeup
and how's her hair brush and how's her hair ties? That has caught in
this, you know, a little thing her makeup. But then if you
go into my bathroom and I might leave my hairbrush on the sink or my
rains are on the sink, all hell breaks list. But I'm not putting
my things away. Oh that's very funny. Okay. So your question is
you have two different bathrooms. It should be nobody's business about what is left
out or what goes on in each other's bathrooms. I will tell you this
that Julio, my fiance and I have two separate bathrooms, and his is
very neat and tidy, and mine, like your wife, is filled with
a makeup and hair brush and hair ties and whatever on the counter because I
know he's not going in there, so you know I'm going to use it
again when I get there. So I think the next time she makes the
comment like put your hair brush away, your bathroom looks dirty, just say,
actually, it's my bathroom and so I'm going to keep it the way
I like it. I'm curious to know why this is a problem for you.
So instead of like pointing fingers, well, your bathroom is messy,
then you're like, you do you do? You do? Just simply say,
Hey, it's my bathroom, so I feel like it's my responsibility and
I'm curious to know why my bathroom bothers you and see what she says.
Just open up the conversation. I think that's important. That's a good question,
John, Thank you so much, Thanks for colling, Thanks for calling.
Okay, So I also, I'm still live on Instagram. If you
want to come on Instagram you can. But during the commercial break, somebody
wrote a question that I want to get to. He says he's a thirty
year old male. He's tired of the dating apps how to approach someone in
real life. Isn't it amazing that this generation of digital natives are so good
at texting that the thought of talking to a human in real life is hard.
Plus, we're in an interesting time right because sexual harassment is rampant,
and people were worry about what if I say the wrong thing. I'll tell
you when it's sexual harassment, whether it's a workplace relationship, whatever, is
when you talk about somebody's body, of their attractiveness, you ask them out
and they say no, so you continue to hound them. That's sexual harassment,
right, But there's nothing wrong with saying to a co worker if you're
on the kind of the same level, Hey, you want to go grab
a coffee sometime, but be prepared if they say no, move on,
Just move on. Okay, guys, there are numbers guys out there.
I call them the numbers guys. They might hit on fifty women in a
day, just so one of them will say yes, don't be one of
those. But if you see someone you're interested in, the best thing to
do. Remember the caller Jessica who called a little while ago she met a
guy outside of seven eleven. She said, I don't know what his line
was. They exchange numbers there. So I think you have to find some
commonality in real life. So let's say it's pouring rain outside and you're,
you know, entered the seven eleven. Uh, so you can say,
whoa good weather for ducks out there? And see if she responds. Right,
you might be standing at the Starbucks thing and you're like, ooh,
should I get the egg bites with the bacon or the healthier ones that are
the egg whites, and see if she responds. If she looks at you
and goes, who's a weird person talking to me and looks away. You
know, if she goes, oh, no, get the egg bites with
the bacon, They're my favorite, then you're in. You're having conversation,
right, So you just gently test the waters of something that you have in
common that's not too crazy, like something in the world around you, the
weather, not politics or sex. I'll tell you this, gentlemen, please
do not do this. When I was a young hot woman, I guess
I can say that now I'm older. When I was a young hot woman,
I ran so fast from the men who would walk up to me and
say, you know, I think you're very attractive. I'd like to get
to know you. Can we have dinner sometime? El huh, gros,
I know I'm attractive. Every man thinks I'm attractive. No, goodbye.
Run. How about show me your intelligence, make a joke, talk about
something going on in the world. All right, So I think you can
do it. You guys can learn it. All these relationship skills can be
learned, all right. I want to go to social media because so many
questions are coming in the DMS. If you'd like to call the numbers one,
eight hundred five, two zero one five three four. That's one eight
hundred five two zero one kfi. Okay, So this person writes, Hey,
doctor Wendy, I found out a guy. I guess the guy A
found out A guy I was seeing was still with his fiance. He'd been
contacting me for months despite me telling him to leave me alone. Last night,
he sends me a text reminiscing on an intimate moment we had together way
back when. How am I supposed to respond? Should I send this that's
nice? You should tell your fiance that you like that position? Or should
I just block him? All right? Let me explain to everybody out there,
when someone is trying to get you back or interested in them or sexually
or whatever, they're going to send a text that will provoke. Now,
in this case, he sent a sexually explicit memorial text, something that happened
in the past, because he's going to see if he can provoke you to
respond. Any response means he has you. He's in some kind of relationship
with you. The relationship might just be texting, just communication, but it's
a relationship, all right. You know. I often see people who break
up, whether they live together or they dated or they were married and divorced,
and then long after the breakup, they're now doing little jabs with each
other with texts, right, And I'm like, all they're trying to do
is stay in the relationship. The relationship now is based on conflict, it's
not based on love, but they still want the attachment. Right. It's
like a relationship is a kind of emotional umbilical cord, and they want to
get you to respond. So my answer to you is, if you write
back something snarky, he's gotcha. He knows you're listening, he's got your
attention. No, you block him if you really don't want to see him,
and I hope you don't. If he's still with his fiance and he's
sending you sexy texts, trust me, the day you're his fiance, he'll
be sending text to somebody else. So please just block them. Block them.
You've been listening to doctor Wendy Walls. You can always hear us live
on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on
demand on the iHeartRadio app.