WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:04.160 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k I Am six forty, 2 00:00:04.200 --> 00:00:12.759 The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app Doctor Doctor Ginny the 3 00:00:12.919 --> 00:00:27.280 News. I gotta's loving you KF I Am six forty. You have Doctor 4 00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:31.280 Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Weals Show. If you're 5 00:00:31.320 --> 00:00:35.159 new to my show. I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm obsessed 6 00:00:35.240 --> 00:00:39.320 with the science of love. I've written a number of books on relationships and 7 00:00:39.799 --> 00:00:44.759 I am intent on making sure that I spread the science of love. Yes, 8 00:00:44.840 --> 00:00:49.200 it's a science of love to everybody, and I want us all to 9 00:00:49.280 --> 00:00:54.240 have better mental health together. Producer Kayla, how you doing. I am 10 00:00:54.240 --> 00:00:57.200 wonderful, Doctor Wendy is great to see your beautiful face. I'm sorry to 11 00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:00.719 totally change subjects, but I heard that has a country and Western song, 12 00:01:00.759 --> 00:01:04.079 two of them. Yeah, apparently she has two country songs and she's actually 13 00:01:04.079 --> 00:01:08.920 releasing a country album. It's the Renaissance Taxu. She's Texans Texan. Did 14 00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:14.480 you know the original cowboys were black? I didn't know that. Yeah, 15 00:01:14.519 --> 00:01:17.480 that's why they call them cowboys. In the history, they were men, 16 00:01:18.599 --> 00:01:21.680 cow men, is what they were. Why but when you're raising Huesday boy, 17 00:01:21.920 --> 00:01:26.040 but historically yeah. So anyway, just saying I can't wait to hear 18 00:01:26.079 --> 00:01:29.640 them. They're really good. They're really good songs, good for her getting 19 00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:32.920 back to her roots. So this week I was up at my farm in 20 00:01:33.000 --> 00:01:36.519 Oregon doing my own little country thing, and I have to tell you know, 21 00:01:36.599 --> 00:01:40.079 I teach health. Psychology is one of the things I teach at cal 22 00:01:40.159 --> 00:01:42.480 State Channel Islands, and there's been so much research on spending time in nature 23 00:01:42.840 --> 00:01:49.959 and how it increases your immune system. Right, everything gets healthier. And 24 00:01:49.079 --> 00:01:53.920 I feel it even though it was raining like it is here, but you 25 00:01:53.920 --> 00:01:56.319 know, spending time with my little goats, my chickens. We have a 26 00:01:56.319 --> 00:02:00.000 few baby lambs up there now, and just being out in nature, I 27 00:02:00.159 --> 00:02:06.799 just feel happier, calmer. But later in the show, I have a 28 00:02:06.799 --> 00:02:12.280 guest coming on who actually has a wearable kind of vibrator thing you put on 29 00:02:12.319 --> 00:02:19.039 your ankle that can help reduce anxiety according to him, and I'll talk about 30 00:02:19.240 --> 00:02:23.680 my experience with it in a little while. Also, I want to do 31 00:02:23.719 --> 00:02:28.719 a small little announcement. Years ago, I wrote for a new website at 32 00:02:28.759 --> 00:02:32.840 the time called Datingadvice Dot com, but this week they hired me back as 33 00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:38.560 their ambassador, So check out some of the good articles on datingadvice dot com. 34 00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:42.039 Just want to mention that, and I also wanted to say that producer 35 00:02:42.120 --> 00:02:45.560 Kaylin. I have actually designed a whole new Patreon on my Patreon group, 36 00:02:45.639 --> 00:02:47.439 so I put all my books up there, my podcast, my zoom rooms, 37 00:02:47.479 --> 00:02:51.479 everything, So if you want to co come over and well meet me. 38 00:02:51.639 --> 00:02:54.759 I'm there on a zoom every Wednesday. That's patreon dot com slash doctor 39 00:02:54.759 --> 00:03:00.400 Wendy Walsh. You know, this morning, my daughter walked into my room. 40 00:03:00.800 --> 00:03:05.639 She's twenty, and she said, mom, TikTok has screwed up love 41 00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:09.280 for gen Z, screwed up love for gen Z. I said, really, 42 00:03:09.360 --> 00:03:14.000 honey, how was that? She said, well, on the girl's 43 00:03:14.120 --> 00:03:20.560 side of TikTok, they have totally made it seem like if he doesn't step 44 00:03:20.639 --> 00:03:23.159 up, and if he doesn't do this and he doesn't do that, then 45 00:03:23.199 --> 00:03:28.039 you should dump him. And there was so much pressure on Valentine's Day. 46 00:03:28.599 --> 00:03:32.280 Apparently, even if you're a grown person in your twenties, you are supposed 47 00:03:32.280 --> 00:03:38.319 to have your guy ask you if you would be his Valentine, kind of 48 00:03:38.360 --> 00:03:44.560 like third grade but a lot was riding on this because according to certain TikTokers, 49 00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:49.000 you should dump him if he doesn't. And so she was saying to 50 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:51.879 me, that gets in my head, and it gets in all the girl's 51 00:03:51.960 --> 00:03:55.719 heads. The other thing, apparently on the girl's side of TikTok is there 52 00:03:55.719 --> 00:04:02.000 being fed videos by influencers and say if a dude doesn't have money, don't 53 00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:05.360 even go on a date with it, to which I said, well, 54 00:04:05.400 --> 00:04:12.280 you know, historically, darling, during the very vulnerable years of pregnancy, 55 00:04:12.360 --> 00:04:17.040 nursing, and child raising, women needed to have somebody who could provide economically. 56 00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:23.959 But now we're at a new time where we are racing towards a matriarchy. 57 00:04:24.319 --> 00:04:29.199 We're not there yet, but we've seen twenty years or more of a 58 00:04:29.199 --> 00:04:33.360 growing feminization of college campuses, far more women getting college degrees than men in 59 00:04:33.399 --> 00:04:38.079 America. There was a milestone we passed. I think it was three years 60 00:04:38.079 --> 00:04:42.160 ago. Or we actually have more women in the American workforce than men. 61 00:04:42.319 --> 00:04:46.480 Okay, not enough skirts and stilettos and boardrooms, not enough women owning companies, 62 00:04:46.839 --> 00:04:55.120 but more female employees than male employees. So it's making it's confusing for 63 00:04:55.160 --> 00:04:59.600 young women because they're like TikTok's telling me that he's got to have money if 64 00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:03.240 I'm going to go out with him. But I'm the one with a job. 65 00:05:03.879 --> 00:05:08.720 I'm the one doing better. So I always say to you, very 66 00:05:08.759 --> 00:05:13.480 successful, powerful women, your idea of a power guy might just be a 67 00:05:13.519 --> 00:05:18.279 guy who can power a stroller. Also, there was even an article in 68 00:05:18.279 --> 00:05:21.920 the Wall Street Journal this week, but it's something that I've heard come up 69 00:05:23.040 --> 00:05:27.000 a lot. The article in the Wall Street Journal was called stay at home 70 00:05:27.079 --> 00:05:30.480 girlfriends are having a moment. No, honestly, with my daughters, I've 71 00:05:30.560 --> 00:05:33.360 actually said to them, Oh, that's a nice girl. What does she 72 00:05:33.399 --> 00:05:35.279 do? You know? He asked, like, what does your friend do? 73 00:05:35.839 --> 00:05:39.800 Oh, she's a stay at home girlfriend. I'm like, what that 74 00:05:39.879 --> 00:05:46.560 sounds like a highly risky profession, highly risky, no legal protections of marriage. 75 00:05:46.240 --> 00:05:50.839 The main job besides serving him a little breakfast, I guess a little 76 00:05:50.839 --> 00:05:57.399 dessert lighter is self care. Apparently they go to yoga and pilates, and 77 00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:01.480 they get their facials, and they go to the go get beautiful, and 78 00:06:01.600 --> 00:06:05.879 they are stay at home girlfriends. Let me tell you something. The biggest 79 00:06:05.920 --> 00:06:15.839 downfall for women in our evolution was being forced to trade reproduction read sex reproduction 80 00:06:15.199 --> 00:06:21.160 for survival, and I worry about young women who are eating up their fertility 81 00:06:21.199 --> 00:06:30.240 window without the protection of education, a budding career, or the legal support 82 00:06:30.319 --> 00:06:35.480 of marriage. So a stay at home girlfriend apparently is a cool thing on 83 00:06:35.519 --> 00:06:41.720 TikTok, they are putting out videos about how great their life is. I'm 84 00:06:41.759 --> 00:06:46.279 sorry if you have to depend on a man one hundred percent for everything and 85 00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:53.040 you have no protections of marriage. And some of these stay at home girlfriends 86 00:06:53.040 --> 00:06:57.439 are having babies too. Oh I was that, No, No, I 87 00:06:57.560 --> 00:06:59.959 was supporting everybody. That's what it was. I was at a stay out 88 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:04.399 homegirlfriend and I was out there working girlfriend, but also not having the support 89 00:07:04.439 --> 00:07:10.720 of marriage put me into that single mom life for a long time. Actually 90 00:07:10.720 --> 00:07:13.600 have a lot of friends who aspire to that, like I just I know, 91 00:07:13.680 --> 00:07:15.639 it's I just want to know. Yeah, I just want to be. 92 00:07:15.800 --> 00:07:16.720 I just want I don't I never want to work. There's nothing I 93 00:07:16.720 --> 00:07:18.360 want to do. I just want to stay at home and be taken care 94 00:07:18.399 --> 00:07:23.360 of. But do you know what a dwindling population of guys who can afford 95 00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:26.600 to support a woman are, Right, that's a problem, right, They're 96 00:07:26.639 --> 00:07:30.079 they're smaller and small of that group. Okay, so that's on the girl's 97 00:07:30.120 --> 00:07:33.920 side of TikTok, on the boys side of TikTok. She says, there 98 00:07:33.920 --> 00:07:39.839 are all these videos that say, is she crackable? How to tell? 99 00:07:40.839 --> 00:07:45.759 Do you know what crackable means? In old fashioned language? It means is 100 00:07:45.800 --> 00:07:53.079 she easy? Can I obtain sex from her without much sacrifice? Now it's 101 00:07:53.120 --> 00:07:59.399 called crackable? And then the word for easy. If your kids are using 102 00:07:59.399 --> 00:08:03.560 this language, I got to understand is bop. She's a bop? And 103 00:08:03.639 --> 00:08:07.720 I said, what does bop stand for? And my daughter said, nothing, 104 00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:11.000 just means she's a bop, she's easy. I can bop on, 105 00:08:11.480 --> 00:08:15.639 have sex, bop off. I know, you know, And I was 106 00:08:15.639 --> 00:08:20.439 in high school. This is how disgusting men talked when a girl was short 107 00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:24.720 and small and tiny. You know what? They called her a spinner? 108 00:08:26.480 --> 00:08:31.160 I know. I see the look on Kaylea's face, the objectification of it 109 00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:33.320 all. And also I can't believe how old I am. I don't even 110 00:08:33.360 --> 00:08:37.960 know this bop sling. I don't wop is a thing. Wow, Now 111 00:08:37.000 --> 00:08:41.240 here's the other thing. So you know how it apparently love bombing is having 112 00:08:41.320 --> 00:08:45.240 a moment. I've been talking about love bombing for two years on TikTok. 113 00:08:45.240 --> 00:08:46.960 Folks, you can go see some of my viral videos where I was talking 114 00:08:46.960 --> 00:08:50.399 about love bombing. Love Bombing is where they come on strong and make you 115 00:08:50.440 --> 00:08:54.639 think they're really into you so that you have sex with them early on. 116 00:08:56.080 --> 00:09:01.000 And so what guys are doing on TikTok, these male influencers is they're bragging 117 00:09:01.039 --> 00:09:05.600 to other guys that they're a professional love bomber. And this is how to 118 00:09:05.639 --> 00:09:09.879 do it right. I will tell all the women out there right now, 119 00:09:11.240 --> 00:09:13.879 there's one way to determine if he's there for the long haul, which is 120 00:09:13.960 --> 00:09:18.919 delay the onset of the sexual relationship and see how much he sacrifices. That 121 00:09:18.000 --> 00:09:22.240 doesn't mean playing hard to get yesterdays. It doesn't mean playing games. It 122 00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:28.960 means interviewing, well, investigating, assessing. Take it some time, see 123 00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:35.240 him. He's up to be a friendship. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh 124 00:09:35.279 --> 00:09:39.639 on demand from KFI AM six forty. Okay, So I'm talking about new 125 00:09:39.720 --> 00:09:45.919 lingo that the young people are using that basically is the same. It's just 126 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:48.360 another version of all the old stuff. But here's one that's a little bit 127 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:56.600 different. Did you know, young women are often referring to their boyfriends as 128 00:09:56.639 --> 00:10:01.639 a baby girl. And guess what. Here's the great news. It's not 129 00:10:01.679 --> 00:10:07.519 an insult. It's actually a compliment. It's not considered a putdown. In 130 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:09.600 fact, let me ask you this, Kayla, who wrinkled up her forehead 131 00:10:09.639 --> 00:10:18.960 when I said that anyone who reads something feminine as a pejorative as a negative 132 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:22.799 A question? Where's that patriarchy? Is it rolling around our heads? Okay? 133 00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:26.759 It was the baby part. Okay, So here's what baby girl means. 134 00:10:28.159 --> 00:10:33.159 It refers to an emotionally evolving man who's acting like any other human being. 135 00:10:35.200 --> 00:10:39.879 He's set free from the man box. He's safe to feel vulnerable, 136 00:10:41.399 --> 00:10:46.480 relaxed, and not insecure when she leads. Also, part of the whole 137 00:10:46.480 --> 00:10:52.000 baby girl thing is that he's also kind of cute and adorable as he fumbles 138 00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:56.399 around with his new emotional honesty. Can a boy be cute and do that 139 00:10:56.440 --> 00:10:58.399 with his emotion? Why does that have to be compared to a girl? 140 00:10:58.440 --> 00:11:03.639 Can't boy be emotionally smart? Baby boy? Yeah, you know what's funny? 141 00:11:03.919 --> 00:11:07.320 Why we can't say baby my nickname for Julio's baby boy. See, 142 00:11:07.519 --> 00:11:13.480 and he's in tell emotionally. Yep, that he is very but he has 143 00:11:13.480 --> 00:11:16.399 his moments where he's so dude, and I'm just like, I want to 144 00:11:16.440 --> 00:11:18.919 shake him, because they are they have different brains, and they're a good 145 00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:22.720 compliment for our brains. I just want to say that. But every once 146 00:11:22.720 --> 00:11:26.320 in a while they get so rational and so analytical, and you're like, 147 00:11:26.399 --> 00:11:30.759 can't you say the emotional content and what's happening? But anyway, he does 148 00:11:30.840 --> 00:11:35.480 learn. So let me tell you why the term baby girl has taken off. 149 00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:41.120 You know, there has been research is taken off specifically around daters and 150 00:11:41.240 --> 00:11:48.799 single people. There's been lots of research to show that one of the top 151 00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:58.879 dating traits preferred by women who are reading men's profiles on dating apps is that 152 00:11:58.879 --> 00:12:03.360 they're emotionally availed, or that they're in therapy, or that they're doing the 153 00:12:03.399 --> 00:12:09.200 work of trying to be more emotional. Right, So women today are depending 154 00:12:09.559 --> 00:12:13.480 a lot. They're demanding a lot more than say, a body and a 155 00:12:13.519 --> 00:12:18.639 paycheck. All right, we want an emotional mate too. In fact, 156 00:12:18.639 --> 00:12:24.080 a couple of years ago, I remember reading the dating app hinge. If 157 00:12:24.120 --> 00:12:28.000 you've ever been on that one, they found that eighty eight percent of their 158 00:12:28.120 --> 00:12:33.440 users prefer to data person who is in therapy or actively taking care of their 159 00:12:33.480 --> 00:12:37.919 mental health. By the way, that doesn't just mean yoga and meditation. 160 00:12:39.159 --> 00:12:41.000 You know what that is. That's calming your central nervous system because you have 161 00:12:41.000 --> 00:12:46.440 so much anxiety, but you're not learning anything. When people say, oh, 162 00:12:46.519 --> 00:12:50.679 I took a year off from dating so I could grow, and I 163 00:12:50.759 --> 00:12:56.320 sat on a mountaintop and I meditated and I feel whole, now you know 164 00:12:56.360 --> 00:12:58.559 what I say. You did not grow. You avoided. That's what you 165 00:12:58.600 --> 00:13:03.200 did. The only way to grow in terms of relationship skills is to practice, 166 00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:07.639 to get awkward and get right in there and make mistakes and learn and 167 00:13:07.679 --> 00:13:15.799 grow. So I think it's interesting because I always think about our evolution as 168 00:13:15.799 --> 00:13:20.399 a species, right, that this term baby girl for guys is kind of 169 00:13:20.519 --> 00:13:24.519 cool in my opinion, because I think a growing number of young men, 170 00:13:24.600 --> 00:13:30.639 young men in particular, are sort of issuing the notion of being in alpha 171 00:13:30.679 --> 00:13:35.799 male. They're not making that their goal. Instead, a lot of these 172 00:13:35.879 --> 00:13:41.679 gen Z males are starting to finally not be threatened or intimidated by successful women, 173 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:48.480 right because a lot of guys are just intimidated. And maybe there are 174 00:13:48.480 --> 00:13:52.320 a lot of normal human being, guys that just want to share life as 175 00:13:52.360 --> 00:13:56.080 cooperative partners. So when it comes to gen Z, this plays out and 176 00:13:56.120 --> 00:14:01.600 who pays for dates, who makes the arrangements? And I have some issues 177 00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:03.919 with that, of course, because you know, I just talked about what's 178 00:14:03.919 --> 00:14:07.320 going on on TikTok, right, And I really believe that at a basic 179 00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:13.039 biological level, sperm still chases egg now in in heteronormative relationships, right, 180 00:14:13.080 --> 00:14:18.200 But in heterosexual relationships, of course they can be more equitable. Although I'm 181 00:14:18.200 --> 00:14:20.799 a big believer that somebody's got to do the chasing, and somebody's got to 182 00:14:20.840 --> 00:14:28.360 be chased, right, So somebody's got to show sacrifice to the person that 183 00:14:28.399 --> 00:14:33.600 they're chasing, right, And so that sacrifice means making the plans or paying 184 00:14:33.639 --> 00:14:37.360 for the plans. I have had gay friends ask me, well, who's 185 00:14:37.360 --> 00:14:39.600 supposed to pay for a first date? We both have jobs, we both 186 00:14:39.600 --> 00:14:43.840 make around the same amount of money, And I always say, whoever does 187 00:14:43.879 --> 00:14:48.559 the asking should do the paying. That's sort of a nice gesture, a 188 00:14:48.559 --> 00:14:50.759 hostedy thing, and the other person can pick up the check the next time, 189 00:14:52.039 --> 00:14:56.080 right. That's kind of cool. But the main thing about baby Girl 190 00:14:56.879 --> 00:15:01.519 is you share the burden of who cries on whose shoulder from time to time. 191 00:15:03.240 --> 00:15:05.759 You know, gen Z, who I keep referring to here, was 192 00:15:05.799 --> 00:15:11.799 born between nineteen ninety seven and twenty twelve. That encompasses both my daughters. 193 00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:16.240 So what age would be talking that ninety seven, that would be age twenty 194 00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:20.279 six, going down to if you're born in twenty twelve, you're only twelve 195 00:15:20.360 --> 00:15:24.360 thirteen years old. Now basically the teenagers, teenagers and up to about age 196 00:15:24.399 --> 00:15:30.960 twenty seven. These kids, as I call them, are the products of 197 00:15:31.000 --> 00:15:35.279 the most recent feminist revolution. You know, we saw the first wave during 198 00:15:35.279 --> 00:15:39.519 the Suffragette movement, the second wave and the seventies when women marched into workplaces 199 00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:45.159 in the eighties, but now we're seeing the third wave has passed. Hashtag 200 00:15:45.399 --> 00:15:48.360 me too. We have more women in the workforce than men. We have 201 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:54.000 the feminization of college campuses and so and women. By the way, well, 202 00:15:54.080 --> 00:15:58.519 men may enroll in college. Women are completing their degrees at higher rates. 203 00:16:00.919 --> 00:16:06.799 But we're seeing this trend of towards I don't even call it a matriarchy, 204 00:16:06.879 --> 00:16:11.120 towards just being egalitarian, being more human. We're seeing it outside of 205 00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:17.960 dating too. We're seeing male politicians talking openly about their depression treatment, CEOs 206 00:16:18.519 --> 00:16:22.320 taking mental health days and are cool with it. Straight men wearing skirts go 207 00:16:22.399 --> 00:16:26.840 on Instagram, tons of them, stay at home dads wearing babies right, 208 00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:33.320 Female managers leading with a new kind of compassion. We're seeing gender roles within 209 00:16:33.399 --> 00:16:38.320 households in terms of division of labor and childcare starting to become more equitable, 210 00:16:38.360 --> 00:16:44.519 not for everybody, but definitely more equitable for Gen Z than millennials. And 211 00:16:44.559 --> 00:16:48.000 the good news is this is good for men. The more a man is 212 00:16:48.039 --> 00:16:52.320 pushed into the man box, you know, he's limited in what is considered 213 00:16:52.399 --> 00:16:56.759 masculine, where he's got to be, you know, self sufficient, tough, 214 00:16:56.440 --> 00:17:02.320 he's got to have gender roles, rigid men osculan gender roles, hyper 215 00:17:02.399 --> 00:17:07.680 sexuality, aggression, control, all that stuff that puts men in the manbox. 216 00:17:08.359 --> 00:17:12.119 There's been research to show that the more stuck men are in that man 217 00:17:12.200 --> 00:17:18.319 box, the worst mental health they have and the worst physical health. Right, 218 00:17:18.519 --> 00:17:25.319 I think women want men to be vulnerable. My take is we love 219 00:17:25.359 --> 00:17:30.400 a man who can cry, but not very often for the most part. 220 00:17:30.839 --> 00:17:36.359 Guys, you baby girls out there, I think it's fabulous, right, 221 00:17:36.720 --> 00:17:41.000 And for me, what I love it is that this new male norm for 222 00:17:41.200 --> 00:17:45.799 young men is being modeled for older men because remember older men are divorcing too, 223 00:17:45.839 --> 00:17:48.279 and they're meeting women who are beginning to have some new emotional standards. 224 00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:53.319 Right, So I think it's all good. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh 225 00:17:53.359 --> 00:17:59.880 on demand from KFI Am six forty. I'd like to welcome my Instagram audience. 226 00:18:00.039 --> 00:18:02.640 Good to see you guys. You know, in a few minutes after 227 00:18:02.640 --> 00:18:07.079 this segment, I'm going to be taking a listener's calls with their relationship questions. 228 00:18:07.359 --> 00:18:11.880 I pinned the number up there for Instagram. If you're listening on KFI, 229 00:18:11.079 --> 00:18:15.480 you know the number one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. 230 00:18:15.799 --> 00:18:18.279 That's one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. I'll give it out 231 00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:22.000 at the end of the segment too, But I just want to tell the 232 00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:26.640 Instagram people that you're only going to hear half the conversation because you have to 233 00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:32.000 download the iHeartRadio app to hear the caller as well. So just telling you 234 00:18:32.039 --> 00:18:34.359 that you got to do that before we get to those questions, though, 235 00:18:36.640 --> 00:18:40.640 signs that you were in a secure relationship, you know, A reporter actually 236 00:18:40.680 --> 00:18:44.680 reached out to me this week and was doing a piece for Valentine's Day and 237 00:18:44.839 --> 00:18:48.759 ask me, doctor Wendy, how do you know if you're in a secure 238 00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:52.839 relationship? And you know, my first instinct was to come up with those 239 00:18:53.000 --> 00:19:03.839 kind of abstract concepts like respect, honesty, compromise, trust, And I 240 00:19:03.880 --> 00:19:07.480 thought, do people really know what that feels like in the real world? 241 00:19:07.920 --> 00:19:12.359 Do they know what it looks like in the real world? So I thought 242 00:19:12.359 --> 00:19:17.079 I would break it down, okay, and why don't we start off with 243 00:19:17.319 --> 00:19:19.240 what I think is one of the most important signs that you're in a secure 244 00:19:19.279 --> 00:19:26.240 relationship, and that is that you have respect, well respect for what respect 245 00:19:26.039 --> 00:19:30.599 for your boundaries. I want to stop here and do a little commercial for 246 00:19:30.599 --> 00:19:33.519 what a boundary is, because a lot of people don't understand. They say 247 00:19:33.559 --> 00:19:37.279 things like I'm going to put a boundary on you, I'm going to put 248 00:19:37.319 --> 00:19:40.519 a boundary on him, I'm going to put a boundary on her. No, 249 00:19:41.200 --> 00:19:45.799 the only person you can put a boundary on is yourself. And what 250 00:19:45.839 --> 00:19:52.119 a boundary simply means is this is the behavior that I expect, and when 251 00:19:52.160 --> 00:19:57.440 I don't get that behavior that I expect, this is what the consequence is. 252 00:19:57.160 --> 00:20:02.519 This is how I I will react. This is my consequence. So 253 00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:06.319 it might be something like, let's say you say to somebody, look, 254 00:20:06.599 --> 00:20:11.079 whenever we're arguing, if you start really raising your voice or calling me names, 255 00:20:11.960 --> 00:20:15.240 I'm going to have to walk out of the room. And when you're 256 00:20:15.240 --> 00:20:18.599 calm, we can continue this conversation. So that's a boundary. The boundary 257 00:20:18.599 --> 00:20:21.599 is I don't want to be yelled at, I don't want to be called 258 00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:25.519 names, and I will walk out of the room. I do want to 259 00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:29.839 say this about boundaries. When you first tell somebody, share with somebody that 260 00:20:29.880 --> 00:20:30.880 you have a boundary. You don't have to, by the way, you 261 00:20:30.880 --> 00:20:33.480 can just do it, but it's nice to sort of let them know that 262 00:20:33.559 --> 00:20:38.799 this is what's happening. Is everybody, no matter who they are, no 263 00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:41.279 matter what age they are, even if it's a two year old and you've 264 00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:48.079 said no cookies before dinner, that's a boundary. They're going to test the 265 00:20:48.160 --> 00:20:52.079 rule because a rule is not a rule is not a rule until it's been 266 00:20:52.079 --> 00:20:56.119 tested. So you can't get extra mad when they do the thing that you 267 00:20:56.279 --> 00:21:00.559 just told them not to do, because they want to make sure that's real. 268 00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:03.319 So you say, hey, you know, if you raise your voice 269 00:21:03.319 --> 00:21:07.079 at me when we're arguing, or you call me names, then I Am 270 00:21:07.119 --> 00:21:11.759 going to walk out of the room and we'll have continue to have this conversation 271 00:21:11.880 --> 00:21:15.039 later. So then they start yelling at you during the next fight. You 272 00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:18.920 can't go. But I told you not to raise your voice. I told 273 00:21:18.920 --> 00:21:23.640 you not to call me. Nope, you just get quiet and walk out 274 00:21:23.640 --> 00:21:27.720 of the room. That means the rule has been tested and now it's there. 275 00:21:29.119 --> 00:21:33.079 The boundaries actually there, all right? So do they respect your boundies? 276 00:21:33.079 --> 00:21:40.119 What kind of boundaries? Sexual boundaries? Are they somebody who's just constantly 277 00:21:40.160 --> 00:21:42.400 doing things that you don't want them to do to your body and you've had 278 00:21:42.400 --> 00:21:45.279 a boundary up about that, Well, you're going to have to figure out 279 00:21:45.319 --> 00:21:52.200 what your consequence is going to be. What about financial boundaries? Are they 280 00:21:52.240 --> 00:21:55.480 constantly borrowing money from you and you've said I just can't, Well you've got 281 00:21:55.519 --> 00:21:59.119 to stop. Put a boundary on yourself. Look, whether you're a spender 282 00:21:59.359 --> 00:22:03.799 or a save, does your partner respect you and you work hard to compromise 283 00:22:03.920 --> 00:22:14.160 your different psychologies of money? Right? A boundary around feelings are you allowed? 284 00:22:14.480 --> 00:22:18.359 Are you respected? Are you allowed to express your feelings? Right? 285 00:22:18.960 --> 00:22:22.480 And then a boundary around physical space. Do you have personal items or personal 286 00:22:22.519 --> 00:22:29.799 space that you don't want invaded? Okay? Perfect example, if there's one 287 00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.759 diet coke left in the fridge and your partner knows that you like diet coke, 288 00:22:36.640 --> 00:22:41.240 do they drink it anyway? They don't respect you, They don't respect 289 00:22:41.279 --> 00:22:44.880 that boundary, right, all right? Then there's honesty. There's two kinds 290 00:22:44.880 --> 00:22:52.160 of honesties. There's outright lying honesty, and there's withholding information so that you 291 00:22:52.200 --> 00:22:57.279 get a little misled in a secure relationship. Neither kind of lying is okay? 292 00:22:57.839 --> 00:23:03.000 Right. If you've ever caught your partner in a blatant lie, you 293 00:23:03.039 --> 00:23:07.960 know how hard it is to trust them again. Uh. In fact, 294 00:23:08.240 --> 00:23:12.440 there was a research from the Kinsey Institute on what people like and don't like 295 00:23:12.759 --> 00:23:17.440 in dating profiles, and the number one thing that single said they don't like 296 00:23:17.519 --> 00:23:21.359 if it is if anybody lies in their profile. So whether you're lying about 297 00:23:21.359 --> 00:23:23.599 a few inches or a few pounds or a few years when you get why 298 00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:27.279 are you laughing? Kay? Love, I know a few inches, I'm 299 00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:32.319 in height. People don't want their profiles helping their penis. I didn't know 300 00:23:32.359 --> 00:23:36.799 what profile, I just didn't Okay, I'm sorry, okay. Her face 301 00:23:36.799 --> 00:23:40.119 looked at me like the FCC was going to write me up in just a 302 00:23:40.200 --> 00:23:47.160 minute. Anyway, don't lie in your relationships. As uncomfortable as the truth 303 00:23:47.279 --> 00:23:52.279 is, every truth, it builds intimacy, compromise. There's so much research 304 00:23:52.319 --> 00:23:56.279 to show that two brains can accomplish so much more than any single person right 305 00:23:56.799 --> 00:24:00.200 being able to. But that doesn't work if one person has to be one 306 00:24:00.279 --> 00:24:04.279 hundred percent right or in control at all times right. So you're gonna have 307 00:24:04.359 --> 00:24:08.400 to learn how to compromise. And finally, you know you're in a secure 308 00:24:08.440 --> 00:24:15.960 relationship if you feel trust. And guess what. Trust is an inside job. 309 00:24:15.799 --> 00:24:21.200 You see, if we overcome some of the trauma from our early life, 310 00:24:21.240 --> 00:24:23.799 we learn to trust love, we learn to trust people, We learn 311 00:24:23.839 --> 00:24:30.559 to choose partners who are trustworthy. So learning to trust is an inside job. 312 00:24:30.480 --> 00:24:34.920 And finally, always remember, relationships don't make you happy, but happy 313 00:24:34.960 --> 00:24:41.440 people tend to have happy relationships. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand 314 00:24:41.640 --> 00:24:47.799 from KFI AM six forty. I am taking your calls producer, Kayla, 315 00:24:47.839 --> 00:24:51.880 who do we have? We have, Jessica, Kayla, your voice got 316 00:24:51.960 --> 00:24:57.640 higher? I like it. Hi Jessica's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy. 317 00:24:57.880 --> 00:25:02.960 What's your question? Okay? Yeah, So I'm met this guy outside 318 00:25:02.960 --> 00:25:06.400 the seven eleven and he was really charming. He did all the right things. 319 00:25:06.640 --> 00:25:08.960 So we did exchange numbers, but we went out on a date. 320 00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:12.359 I found out that he was fifty eight years old and I'm only thirty three, 321 00:25:14.200 --> 00:25:17.240 so he's a lot older than I was expecting. And you know, 322 00:25:17.279 --> 00:25:18.519 I do like him as a person, but I don't know if I should 323 00:25:18.880 --> 00:25:22.119 continue to date him, like do you think I should try to see if 324 00:25:22.119 --> 00:25:26.400 there's something more there? But first question, what are your relationship goals? 325 00:25:26.519 --> 00:25:30.920 Short term? Long term? Want to have a family? Already have a 326 00:25:30.960 --> 00:25:36.160 family? Tell me the practical family and I would like one. And you 327 00:25:36.240 --> 00:25:38.759 want to have kids? Has he had children? He has no kids, 328 00:25:38.839 --> 00:25:42.200 and he wants them too since he is older. So that's why he's dating 329 00:25:42.200 --> 00:25:45.000 a younger woman, right, because he wants to make sure that you're fertile 330 00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:49.799 myrtle for him. So I guess the question is you know if you like 331 00:25:49.880 --> 00:25:53.359 him or not. I mean we're talking about a twenty five year difference in 332 00:25:53.480 --> 00:26:00.400 age. Is he healthy and fit in your opinion? And is is it. 333 00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:03.039 You know, he mentions he wants to have kids. I hope that's 334 00:26:03.079 --> 00:26:04.680 true, because you don't want to eat up your fertility window with somebody who 335 00:26:04.839 --> 00:26:10.480 isn't interested in that unless you have a big aversion to it. I don't. 336 00:26:10.720 --> 00:26:12.640 I don't think there's a problem. But do this though, This is 337 00:26:12.640 --> 00:26:15.359 super important, Jessica. No matter who you date for the first time, 338 00:26:15.519 --> 00:26:19.039 make sure your friends and family meet him fairly early on. Don't go into 339 00:26:19.039 --> 00:26:22.960 some kind of romantic bubble in a whole bunch of days. Just bring him 340 00:26:22.000 --> 00:26:26.240 like on group dates with friends and family doing stuff so other people can check 341 00:26:26.319 --> 00:26:29.519 them out. That's very important. But thank you so much for calling. 342 00:26:29.880 --> 00:26:32.720 I think it sounds like could be a good thing. You welcome, all 343 00:26:32.799 --> 00:26:33.680 right, Producer, Kayla. Who do we have next? Do we have 344 00:26:33.759 --> 00:26:38.839 John? With a question? John? Hello? John, It's doctor Wendy. 345 00:26:38.880 --> 00:26:42.799 Are you doing good? How are you? I'm doing well? Calling 346 00:26:42.880 --> 00:26:47.559 from Denver? From Denver? Hi, what's your question? John? Denver? 347 00:26:51.039 --> 00:26:55.039 My question is, as far as I mean, my wife and I 348 00:26:55.160 --> 00:26:59.920 we have two different bathrooms. He uses one, I use the other. 349 00:27:00.480 --> 00:27:03.880 H but you go into her bathroom and on the sink it has her makeup 350 00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:07.880 and how's her hair brush and how's her hair ties? That has caught in 351 00:27:07.920 --> 00:27:11.880 this, you know, a little thing her makeup. But then if you 352 00:27:11.960 --> 00:27:15.079 go into my bathroom and I might leave my hairbrush on the sink or my 353 00:27:15.200 --> 00:27:18.920 rains are on the sink, all hell breaks list. But I'm not putting 354 00:27:18.960 --> 00:27:22.720 my things away. Oh that's very funny. Okay. So your question is 355 00:27:22.759 --> 00:27:26.559 you have two different bathrooms. It should be nobody's business about what is left 356 00:27:26.599 --> 00:27:30.039 out or what goes on in each other's bathrooms. I will tell you this 357 00:27:30.640 --> 00:27:36.519 that Julio, my fiance and I have two separate bathrooms, and his is 358 00:27:36.640 --> 00:27:38.799 very neat and tidy, and mine, like your wife, is filled with 359 00:27:38.880 --> 00:27:42.279 a makeup and hair brush and hair ties and whatever on the counter because I 360 00:27:42.319 --> 00:27:45.000 know he's not going in there, so you know I'm going to use it 361 00:27:45.039 --> 00:27:51.000 again when I get there. So I think the next time she makes the 362 00:27:51.039 --> 00:27:55.359 comment like put your hair brush away, your bathroom looks dirty, just say, 363 00:27:55.960 --> 00:28:00.359 actually, it's my bathroom and so I'm going to keep it the way 364 00:28:00.440 --> 00:28:03.680 I like it. I'm curious to know why this is a problem for you. 365 00:28:04.400 --> 00:28:07.200 So instead of like pointing fingers, well, your bathroom is messy, 366 00:28:07.240 --> 00:28:10.759 then you're like, you do you do? You do? Just simply say, 367 00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:14.480 Hey, it's my bathroom, so I feel like it's my responsibility and 368 00:28:14.559 --> 00:28:18.559 I'm curious to know why my bathroom bothers you and see what she says. 369 00:28:18.759 --> 00:28:22.640 Just open up the conversation. I think that's important. That's a good question, 370 00:28:22.720 --> 00:28:27.079 John, Thank you so much, Thanks for colling, Thanks for calling. 371 00:28:27.359 --> 00:28:30.440 Okay, So I also, I'm still live on Instagram. If you 372 00:28:30.440 --> 00:28:33.279 want to come on Instagram you can. But during the commercial break, somebody 373 00:28:33.880 --> 00:28:37.000 wrote a question that I want to get to. He says he's a thirty 374 00:28:37.079 --> 00:28:41.200 year old male. He's tired of the dating apps how to approach someone in 375 00:28:41.279 --> 00:28:48.519 real life. Isn't it amazing that this generation of digital natives are so good 376 00:28:48.559 --> 00:28:55.039 at texting that the thought of talking to a human in real life is hard. 377 00:28:55.359 --> 00:28:59.039 Plus, we're in an interesting time right because sexual harassment is rampant, 378 00:28:59.079 --> 00:29:02.400 and people were worry about what if I say the wrong thing. I'll tell 379 00:29:02.440 --> 00:29:06.039 you when it's sexual harassment, whether it's a workplace relationship, whatever, is 380 00:29:06.079 --> 00:29:11.920 when you talk about somebody's body, of their attractiveness, you ask them out 381 00:29:12.200 --> 00:29:17.519 and they say no, so you continue to hound them. That's sexual harassment, 382 00:29:17.680 --> 00:29:21.559 right, But there's nothing wrong with saying to a co worker if you're 383 00:29:21.599 --> 00:29:22.359 on the kind of the same level, Hey, you want to go grab 384 00:29:22.359 --> 00:29:26.799 a coffee sometime, but be prepared if they say no, move on, 385 00:29:26.400 --> 00:29:32.319 Just move on. Okay, guys, there are numbers guys out there. 386 00:29:32.319 --> 00:29:34.519 I call them the numbers guys. They might hit on fifty women in a 387 00:29:34.599 --> 00:29:37.240 day, just so one of them will say yes, don't be one of 388 00:29:37.279 --> 00:29:41.039 those. But if you see someone you're interested in, the best thing to 389 00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:45.359 do. Remember the caller Jessica who called a little while ago she met a 390 00:29:45.359 --> 00:29:48.440 guy outside of seven eleven. She said, I don't know what his line 391 00:29:48.480 --> 00:29:52.000 was. They exchange numbers there. So I think you have to find some 392 00:29:52.119 --> 00:29:57.000 commonality in real life. So let's say it's pouring rain outside and you're, 393 00:29:57.440 --> 00:30:00.160 you know, entered the seven eleven. Uh, so you can say, 394 00:30:00.160 --> 00:30:04.960 whoa good weather for ducks out there? And see if she responds. Right, 395 00:30:06.480 --> 00:30:11.480 you might be standing at the Starbucks thing and you're like, ooh, 396 00:30:11.599 --> 00:30:15.319 should I get the egg bites with the bacon or the healthier ones that are 397 00:30:15.319 --> 00:30:18.200 the egg whites, and see if she responds. If she looks at you 398 00:30:18.279 --> 00:30:21.119 and goes, who's a weird person talking to me and looks away. You 399 00:30:21.200 --> 00:30:22.519 know, if she goes, oh, no, get the egg bites with 400 00:30:22.559 --> 00:30:26.440 the bacon, They're my favorite, then you're in. You're having conversation, 401 00:30:26.839 --> 00:30:32.079 right, So you just gently test the waters of something that you have in 402 00:30:32.119 --> 00:30:36.200 common that's not too crazy, like something in the world around you, the 403 00:30:36.200 --> 00:30:38.640 weather, not politics or sex. I'll tell you this, gentlemen, please 404 00:30:38.680 --> 00:30:41.160 do not do this. When I was a young hot woman, I guess 405 00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:45.119 I can say that now I'm older. When I was a young hot woman, 406 00:30:45.759 --> 00:30:49.839 I ran so fast from the men who would walk up to me and 407 00:30:49.920 --> 00:30:53.720 say, you know, I think you're very attractive. I'd like to get 408 00:30:53.759 --> 00:30:57.880 to know you. Can we have dinner sometime? El huh, gros, 409 00:30:59.119 --> 00:31:02.960 I know I'm attractive. Every man thinks I'm attractive. No, goodbye. 410 00:31:03.039 --> 00:31:07.960 Run. How about show me your intelligence, make a joke, talk about 411 00:31:07.960 --> 00:31:12.200 something going on in the world. All right, So I think you can 412 00:31:12.240 --> 00:31:15.839 do it. You guys can learn it. All these relationship skills can be 413 00:31:15.920 --> 00:31:18.160 learned, all right. I want to go to social media because so many 414 00:31:18.240 --> 00:31:19.799 questions are coming in the DMS. If you'd like to call the numbers one, 415 00:31:19.880 --> 00:31:23.839 eight hundred five, two zero one five three four. That's one eight 416 00:31:23.960 --> 00:31:30.559 hundred five two zero one kfi. Okay, So this person writes, Hey, 417 00:31:30.599 --> 00:31:37.200 doctor Wendy, I found out a guy. I guess the guy A 418 00:31:37.279 --> 00:31:41.920 found out A guy I was seeing was still with his fiance. He'd been 419 00:31:41.960 --> 00:31:47.759 contacting me for months despite me telling him to leave me alone. Last night, 420 00:31:47.839 --> 00:31:52.480 he sends me a text reminiscing on an intimate moment we had together way 421 00:31:52.519 --> 00:31:56.240 back when. How am I supposed to respond? Should I send this that's 422 00:31:56.319 --> 00:32:00.319 nice? You should tell your fiance that you like that position? Or should 423 00:32:00.319 --> 00:32:06.359 I just block him? All right? Let me explain to everybody out there, 424 00:32:07.880 --> 00:32:14.200 when someone is trying to get you back or interested in them or sexually 425 00:32:14.319 --> 00:32:20.759 or whatever, they're going to send a text that will provoke. Now, 426 00:32:21.839 --> 00:32:28.000 in this case, he sent a sexually explicit memorial text, something that happened 427 00:32:28.000 --> 00:32:30.839 in the past, because he's going to see if he can provoke you to 428 00:32:31.000 --> 00:32:37.720 respond. Any response means he has you. He's in some kind of relationship 429 00:32:37.759 --> 00:32:39.839 with you. The relationship might just be texting, just communication, but it's 430 00:32:39.880 --> 00:32:45.759 a relationship, all right. You know. I often see people who break 431 00:32:45.839 --> 00:32:50.240 up, whether they live together or they dated or they were married and divorced, 432 00:32:50.519 --> 00:32:54.319 and then long after the breakup, they're now doing little jabs with each 433 00:32:54.359 --> 00:32:59.519 other with texts, right, And I'm like, all they're trying to do 434 00:33:00.200 --> 00:33:04.480 is stay in the relationship. The relationship now is based on conflict, it's 435 00:33:04.480 --> 00:33:08.319 not based on love, but they still want the attachment. Right. It's 436 00:33:08.440 --> 00:33:14.200 like a relationship is a kind of emotional umbilical cord, and they want to 437 00:33:14.240 --> 00:33:17.119 get you to respond. So my answer to you is, if you write 438 00:33:17.200 --> 00:33:22.559 back something snarky, he's gotcha. He knows you're listening, he's got your 439 00:33:22.559 --> 00:33:27.279 attention. No, you block him if you really don't want to see him, 440 00:33:27.720 --> 00:33:30.759 and I hope you don't. If he's still with his fiance and he's 441 00:33:30.759 --> 00:33:34.839 sending you sexy texts, trust me, the day you're his fiance, he'll 442 00:33:34.880 --> 00:33:40.039 be sending text to somebody else. So please just block them. Block them. 443 00:33:40.079 --> 00:33:43.799 You've been listening to doctor Wendy Walls. You can always hear us live 444 00:33:43.839 --> 00:33:47.279 on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on 445 00:33:47.359 --> 00:33:50.440 demand on the iHeartRadio app.