WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.120 --> 00:00:07.320 Welcome to speed Round Sunday on the Parenting Roundabout podcast, where we share a 2 00:00:07.360 --> 00:00:11.839 mini episode from our past for your weekend listening pleasure. We'll be back tomorrow 3 00:00:11.839 --> 00:00:18.760 with a brand new episode. How much of a martyr are we or are 4 00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:22.039 you as a parent of? For example, like last week, Catherine, 5 00:00:22.079 --> 00:00:25.640 didn't you have to go see the Emoji movie? I did? You can 6 00:00:26.879 --> 00:00:30.679 and beyond baby, you can hear all about it on our round here from 7 00:00:30.719 --> 00:00:36.560 this week, I went and saw the Emoji movie. I mean, like, 8 00:00:36.719 --> 00:00:42.119 I feel like the martyrdom happens all the time, though, and it's 9 00:00:42.240 --> 00:00:44.920 usually small. I mean it's things like, well, I was going to 10 00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:48.039 go take a walk right now, but you need me to drive you to 11 00:00:48.840 --> 00:00:53.359 your friend's house right this second. Or you know, I was about to 12 00:00:53.399 --> 00:00:57.679 take a shower, but somebody needs me to take them here or there or 13 00:00:57.960 --> 00:01:03.719 whatever. Or when you're you know, there's one more piece of pizza left, 14 00:01:03.000 --> 00:01:07.920 and you would really like that piece of pizza. But do you either 15 00:01:10.079 --> 00:01:14.680 so all right? Or maybe maybe you guys are stronger and tougher than I 16 00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:18.920 am. My mom used to call it broken cookie syndrome, that mom always 17 00:01:18.920 --> 00:01:22.840 got the broken cookies and clean those up and so that everybody else could have 18 00:01:22.840 --> 00:01:26.359 a nice, pretty cookie. And I've now come to realize that means Mom 19 00:01:26.400 --> 00:01:32.959 gets more cookies. Yeah, they taste sounds like and you can, you 20 00:01:33.000 --> 00:01:36.200 know, sort of accidentally drop the box before you open. Oh no, 21 00:01:37.159 --> 00:01:42.599 broke. So there's two sides. So what you're saying is we need to 22 00:01:42.079 --> 00:01:48.640 we can also take advantage of this Marken syndrome that we have. So okay, 23 00:01:48.640 --> 00:01:51.400 well, I'll drive you to your friends right now, but you need 24 00:01:51.439 --> 00:01:57.319 to do the dishes for me when you get home. Well that's okay. 25 00:01:57.719 --> 00:02:01.319 You guys go out and have fun. All just stay home and read and 26 00:02:01.359 --> 00:02:04.680 watch TV and do all sorts of things. I don't want you to know 27 00:02:04.719 --> 00:02:10.120 I do. God's okay, that's sort of my martyrdom. Mom's always homeworking 28 00:02:10.759 --> 00:02:16.240 you guys. Just go and then you know, I watch I play games. 29 00:02:19.439 --> 00:02:23.039 Nobody will catch me. Would I do that? No, certainly I 30 00:02:23.039 --> 00:02:29.280 would not. No. I think there's a high level of martyrdom. My 31 00:02:29.360 --> 00:02:34.639 husband's martyring himself right now by driving the kid in the right so he's got 32 00:02:34.639 --> 00:02:38.360 his martyrdom points for today. I was thinking of tying into our opening discussion 33 00:02:38.919 --> 00:02:45.080 being the one who takes the dog to the vet for the last visit. 34 00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:49.319 I did that. That was my martyrdom with one dog. But then my 35 00:02:49.400 --> 00:02:52.639 husband went and did it with the second dog, so we're even. We 36 00:02:52.759 --> 00:02:58.960 did it together. Yeah did you No, first first dog. Nobody would 37 00:02:58.960 --> 00:03:02.159 go with me. Everybody was too everybody was too sad. The kids didn't 38 00:03:02.159 --> 00:03:05.879 go, but we Well I made my daughter go with the second one, 39 00:03:06.840 --> 00:03:09.919 and that was probably a mistake. Well, but I don't know. I 40 00:03:09.960 --> 00:03:15.639 mean maybe sometimes they need to see that, right or I guess yeah, 41 00:03:15.719 --> 00:03:23.520 it's like a closure thing. Yeah that was my thought, but it's like, 42 00:03:23.599 --> 00:03:24.639 I'm not going to do it again? Are you going to do it? 43 00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:31.840 But yeah, I mean certainly going to see the movie you don't want 44 00:03:31.840 --> 00:03:36.159 to see is a big martyrdom thing, or watching the TV show you don't 45 00:03:36.159 --> 00:03:40.240 want to watch, or in my case, quite often, reading the book 46 00:03:40.280 --> 00:03:46.280 that the child has to read that you really don't want to read. Oh 47 00:03:46.560 --> 00:03:51.080 you like the Oh I got an emergency alert coming on my phone. Now 48 00:03:51.120 --> 00:03:57.680 that's what that buzzing is a flash funding Anyway, the entire middle school agony 49 00:03:57.800 --> 00:04:03.599 cannon of you know, books that are supposed to be speaking, no, 50 00:04:04.039 --> 00:04:12.439 like, what's the speak I think is that one the girl she can't talk, 51 00:04:13.080 --> 00:04:18.720 oh like speaking meaningfully to the early adolescent experience and the hell whole of 52 00:04:18.800 --> 00:04:25.920 school bullying and misunderstanding parents. And Okay, that may be meaningful to those 53 00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:30.399 kids, but it is agony for parents to read this because we understand what's 54 00:04:30.399 --> 00:04:34.399 going on before the kids understand it, and the parents are always completely clueless 55 00:04:34.399 --> 00:04:38.759 and part of the problem. I never want to read any of those books 56 00:04:38.920 --> 00:04:45.519 at all, much less slowly so that understand them and then explain to them. 57 00:04:45.759 --> 00:04:47.680 Do you understand what happened to her? Honey? Let me explain to 58 00:04:47.680 --> 00:04:53.800 you that was right. That was a major yeah, because I mean there's 59 00:04:53.800 --> 00:04:57.079 no way she could have read through it herself or understood it. I will 60 00:04:57.120 --> 00:05:00.519 say, there's one martyr thing that I will not do is play a board 61 00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:08.240 game that I can't stand, like the Game of Land in your house no 62 00:05:08.439 --> 00:05:11.360 ca, I mean they're too old for Candyland, but like sometimes the other 63 00:05:11.439 --> 00:05:14.120 day my son was like, I said, let's play a game. Okay, 64 00:05:14.199 --> 00:05:18.120 he said, how about Game of Life. No, Nope, that's 65 00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:23.240 not a list. I hate that game. Yeah, And it took us 66 00:05:23.279 --> 00:05:27.399 a while. We finally landed on battleship, and I was willing to play 67 00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:31.639 battleship. Yeah, but then my husband told him how he used to cheat 68 00:05:32.040 --> 00:05:38.920 by stacking up all of his ships into one pile, so you never get 69 00:05:38.959 --> 00:05:44.120 a hit because there's only like four spots on the board. Ye, so 70 00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:49.839 now you make your husband play. Yeah. My son likes playing Runo and 71 00:05:49.879 --> 00:05:56.959 he has his own rules that are expansive and ever changing. So I would 72 00:05:57.160 --> 00:06:00.399 always play with him his way because nobody else wanted to play with him his 73 00:06:00.519 --> 00:06:04.000 way. And finally I started making up excuses not to play. So now 74 00:06:04.040 --> 00:06:08.120 he stopped asking me, and I feel really bad and I'll say, come 75 00:06:08.160 --> 00:06:10.279 on, can I play on with you? No? No, it's okay. 76 00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:15.199 He plays with himself, so just endless games play. So he's the 77 00:06:15.240 --> 00:06:21.399 martyr. Yes, he's served my my my martyr role, and I'm actually 78 00:06:21.480 --> 00:06:28.600 kind of grateful, but still, right, do you feel you're a mother? 79 00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:33.079 Definitely? I dinged myself some mom points with that. I should have 80 00:06:33.079 --> 00:06:43.959 just kept playing with him endless endless games. But it's hard to play came 81 00:06:44.040 --> 00:06:49.319 in right, It's it's a completely different game when you play one on one 82 00:06:49.480 --> 00:06:56.279 with him. He has many, many interesting rules, but and it requires 83 00:06:56.399 --> 00:06:59.399 like having two or three decks to play with it at a time. Oh 84 00:06:59.480 --> 00:07:03.160 mile, yes, wow, Yes, sounds gets fun, impossible to hold 85 00:07:04.079 --> 00:07:06.639 well, yes it does, doesn't it. That is not a wrong, 86 00:07:08.720 --> 00:07:13.240 just part of the reason why I suddenly came too busy, but now feel 87 00:07:13.240 --> 00:07:15.959 bad. But that is a good one. Yes, definitely playing board games 88 00:07:15.959 --> 00:07:23.839 with a child endless, endless, awful, mentally unstimulating board games. Um, 89 00:07:24.600 --> 00:07:27.360 what are some martyrdoms that you've done, Nicole, I bet you've got 90 00:07:27.399 --> 00:07:30.439 some good ones. Well, I don't know if this comes from being a 91 00:07:30.439 --> 00:07:33.279 teacher, but and it sounds so terrible because I know that most parents would 92 00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:39.439 jump at the chance to do this, but I refuse to go on field 93 00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:46.079 trips. Oh far too many bad field trips with my classes. And I 94 00:07:46.120 --> 00:07:50.639 feel so bad because I just couldn't do the ones with my kids. And 95 00:07:51.120 --> 00:07:55.959 I don't know what it was, but you know, the day long trip 96 00:07:56.000 --> 00:08:01.439 to the aquarium and just the thought of supervising a group of kids that were 97 00:08:01.399 --> 00:08:07.399 in mine, and the agony of sitting on the bus, and I mean, 98 00:08:07.399 --> 00:08:11.199 it pales in comparison to what you do, Catherine with your daughter. 99 00:08:11.240 --> 00:08:16.160 But it's just those are when I go on those like eight nine hour bus 100 00:08:16.240 --> 00:08:20.360 rides. There at least a coach bus. They're not a school. Yes, 101 00:08:20.920 --> 00:08:24.120 okay, that's true. That makes a difference. So there were a 102 00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:26.639 lot of field trips I dipped out of. But mind you know, I 103 00:08:26.759 --> 00:08:31.879 volunteered in the classroom and I you know, I was around. I just 104 00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:35.559 I could not bring myself. I was a level of martyrdom you could not 105 00:08:35.639 --> 00:08:41.600 attain. I could not. I just lose my friends. My friends just 106 00:08:41.639 --> 00:08:45.519 thought I was like the worst person in the world. But I was like, 107 00:08:45.559 --> 00:08:48.799 I'm sorry, I can't. I've just had two many bad field trip 108 00:08:48.879 --> 00:08:56.639 experiences. Yeah, field trip PTSD. That's right exactly. So that was 109 00:08:58.159 --> 00:09:01.679 I can see how field trips could be murdered room opportunities, but for me, 110 00:09:03.159 --> 00:09:07.159 they were always part of the control and independence equation. To get back 111 00:09:07.159 --> 00:09:11.000 to our first topic is that I like to have my eye on everything. 112 00:09:11.120 --> 00:09:16.360 So if they will let me go on the bus and be with the school 113 00:09:16.399 --> 00:09:20.120 class for a whole day and I can watch everybody, and I can size 114 00:09:20.120 --> 00:09:24.360 all the kids up, and I can see which teacher loses her patients earlier, 115 00:09:24.679 --> 00:09:28.399 that is gold for me. I will be very happy that you don't 116 00:09:28.399 --> 00:09:31.639 want to go, Nicole, because it can be a spot. This is 117 00:09:31.720 --> 00:09:37.159 more wants to go every time. So at Actually I did other parents a 118 00:09:37.200 --> 00:09:43.679 favor, so absolutely they are all those control freak moms were very very happy 119 00:09:43.720 --> 00:09:46.960 to step into your shoes. Well okay, so no, not feeling so 120 00:09:48.000 --> 00:09:50.879 bad about it. Yes, just you know when you were a teacher, 121 00:09:50.960 --> 00:09:54.039 the moms you didn't want to come along. You have empowered those moms, 122 00:09:54.799 --> 00:10:03.240 so you can feel bad for the teacher. She's coming again. No, 123 00:10:03.480 --> 00:10:07.279 I just yeah, just a just thinking about it. I must have PTSD 124 00:10:07.440 --> 00:10:13.279 from it. Seriously, So do we count as martyrdom having to share a 125 00:10:13.360 --> 00:10:16.679 food stuff that we are fond of? Do we, ever, Oh, 126 00:10:16.759 --> 00:10:20.279 I don't know, hide certain things where we think the children will not find 127 00:10:20.279 --> 00:10:26.320 them, guess, even though they're typically happening on the property. I'm wondering 128 00:10:26.320 --> 00:10:31.000 about those ketchup chips. Do you share the shipments of ketchup chips with the 129 00:10:31.080 --> 00:10:33.039 kids, Nicole, or do they go into a closet? I flat out 130 00:10:33.320 --> 00:10:39.279 don't I hide. Getting here, Nicole is not a lot of martyroom. 131 00:10:41.559 --> 00:10:45.840 I think you are emotionally healthy and refusing. No, no, no, 132 00:10:45.879 --> 00:10:48.519 I martyr in many other areas, Um, I do not give up my 133 00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:54.799 Canadian food though, so that goes into hiding. They may they may get 134 00:10:54.840 --> 00:11:00.399 a little snippet of it, they may get a little you know, feeling 135 00:11:00.480 --> 00:11:05.240 extra generous. They might get a little taste, but no, for the 136 00:11:05.279 --> 00:11:11.039 most part, those catch up chips are mine. No one's going near though, 137 00:11:13.159 --> 00:11:20.120 So yeah, I feel very bad not sharing things. But sometimes it's 138 00:11:20.240 --> 00:11:30.440 like mine, right, I think I think that's legit. Gotta say yeah, 139 00:11:30.960 --> 00:11:33.600 if you like, like, you know, take a bite of something 140 00:11:33.639 --> 00:11:37.559 and then it will be contaminated with your cooties and then nobody else wants it. 141 00:11:37.639 --> 00:11:43.399 That's that works in my house. Would not care, that's true. 142 00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:48.879 Would my daughter would be horrified, but my son would be. It's pre 143 00:11:50.360 --> 00:11:56.919 pre loved. But it's a really martyredn though, when you know you spend 144 00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:03.840 the jillions of hours to all the other things for your kids and you just 145 00:12:03.879 --> 00:12:11.200 take this little piece for yourself. Is that really that leg It depends on 146 00:12:11.240 --> 00:12:15.039 who you ask. I guess. I mean all the hours of sitting in 147 00:12:15.080 --> 00:12:18.440 the vehicle driving back and forth, waiting for them to finish their lessons, 148 00:12:18.200 --> 00:12:22.840 waiting for that, waiting for this. You know, that's true. I'm 149 00:12:22.879 --> 00:12:24.960 gonna take my little bag of ketchup chips and hide them. They're just for 150 00:12:26.080 --> 00:12:31.159 me. This is my reward. It seems only fair. Yeah. I 151 00:12:31.200 --> 00:12:37.080 did a lot of sitting around places waiting for kids, but oftentimes I felt 152 00:12:37.080 --> 00:12:39.039 like that was the only me time I got all day. You know, 153 00:12:39.200 --> 00:12:45.799 my kid is with somebody else and I can read a book or listen to 154 00:12:45.840 --> 00:12:50.360 a podcast, or work or just you know, not beyond for a little 155 00:12:50.360 --> 00:12:52.799 while. So I have trouble thinking of that as margyrdroom, though you could 156 00:12:52.840 --> 00:12:58.919 certainly spin them that way. Right. A lot of time, and like 157 00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:01.000 you, Catherine, I will just go sit at the place for the two 158 00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:03.639 hours. I will sit in my car with my laptop for the two hours 159 00:13:03.639 --> 00:13:07.759 and wait it out rather than drive back and forth. Yeah. Well, 160 00:13:07.919 --> 00:13:18.480 I guess we all have our own various criteria for what martyrdom fails. But 161 00:13:18.960 --> 00:13:22.679 when we want to make our kids feel guilty now or in the future, 162 00:13:22.440 --> 00:13:28.639 we will see we have some examples in the right direction. Yes, we 163 00:13:28.639 --> 00:13:28.639 can go for it.