WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.440 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor 2 00:00:04.440 --> 00:00:08.960 Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy 3 00:00:09.000 --> 00:00:13.839 Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 4 00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:16.839 It has always been my pleasure to be here for the last Oh my 5 00:00:16.879 --> 00:00:19.559 gosh, are we almost at nine years? If you're new to my show, 6 00:00:19.879 --> 00:00:23.839 I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor and not 7 00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:27.480 a therapist. I teach at cal State Channel Islands. I've written three books 8 00:00:27.519 --> 00:00:31.839 on relationships, though, and wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, because well, 9 00:00:32.200 --> 00:00:37.399 I am totally obsessed with the science of love. I really think it's 10 00:00:37.399 --> 00:00:41.719 the whole reason why we're alive, to find mates, to keep mates, 11 00:00:41.759 --> 00:00:46.240 to expel, you know, low performing mates, if you will. And 12 00:00:46.280 --> 00:00:51.799 I'm also here to pull anybody off the guilt train who has had so called 13 00:00:52.560 --> 00:00:59.280 failed relationships. I do not believe there is any such thing as a failed 14 00:00:59.640 --> 00:01:02.719 relationship. Now. I know, if you've been to the wedding and you 15 00:01:02.799 --> 00:01:04.920 spend a bunch of money on the present, you want to call it a 16 00:01:04.959 --> 00:01:10.239 failed relationship. I say, you know what, it was just a risky 17 00:01:10.239 --> 00:01:14.959 investment. That's all. It was. Listen until death do us part was 18 00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:21.200 invented, death was pretty imminent, and so even the most monogamous of human 19 00:01:21.239 --> 00:01:27.400 beings may have a few monogamous relationships in their lifespan. And also, anthropologists 20 00:01:27.400 --> 00:01:32.519 would say that we have the widest range of sexual behavior of any primate species. 21 00:01:32.519 --> 00:01:36.560 So there you go. I'm just starting the show by saying you're normal, 22 00:01:36.879 --> 00:01:42.719 and in today's show you're going to hear about the different ways that people 23 00:01:42.719 --> 00:01:49.000 can have healthy relationships. Like it may not all be bad news if you're 24 00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:53.799 sleeping in separate beds. It may not be bad news if you're arguing. 25 00:01:53.560 --> 00:01:59.439 And also, ladies, seriously, later in the show, I want us 26 00:01:59.439 --> 00:02:00.599 to talk just you know, man, you can just turn off the show 27 00:02:00.680 --> 00:02:04.680 when we get there. But ladies, listen. We are going to talk 28 00:02:04.719 --> 00:02:10.439 about male sexual psychology because men fall in love very differently than women do. 29 00:02:10.680 --> 00:02:14.360 If you follow me on my social media, and I suggest you do, 30 00:02:14.439 --> 00:02:17.719 the handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. I think the video that's got the 31 00:02:17.759 --> 00:02:23.439 most views on TikTok is like five million views and it's called men don't fall 32 00:02:23.479 --> 00:02:28.800 in love through sex? So how do they fall in love through trust? 33 00:02:29.960 --> 00:02:34.080 How do you showcase that. We're going to talk about that. But first, 34 00:02:34.800 --> 00:02:37.080 if you've been listening to my show for a while, you're going to 35 00:02:37.120 --> 00:02:39.400 have this fabulous boyfriend Hu Leo, who I love dearly. Well, this 36 00:02:39.439 --> 00:02:44.840 week we had a little tiff. It was small, wasn't a big fight. 37 00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:51.639 It lasted maybe ten minutes, but it got my head all spinny, 38 00:02:51.919 --> 00:02:55.280 and I went into what I usually do, the research files. I went 39 00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:58.599 to the stacks. Now I went to the Internet. I went to Google. 40 00:02:58.840 --> 00:03:02.400 I know. I started thinking about all the ways the people can get 41 00:03:02.400 --> 00:03:07.840 back to love, get back to caring about each other after they've had a 42 00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:12.840 little fight. And before I give you some strategies that I read about that 43 00:03:12.879 --> 00:03:19.199 I'm happy to report on, I want to tell you the research on conflict 44 00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:25.439 in relationships. First of all, the healthiest relationships have the most frequent conflict. 45 00:03:25.560 --> 00:03:30.120 Yeah, that's what I said. The people who have the healthiest relationships 46 00:03:30.599 --> 00:03:35.520 actually argue the most often. Now hold that thought, because you know, 47 00:03:35.599 --> 00:03:40.800 I'm going to clarify what they don't have are knocked down, drag them out 48 00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:51.840 irreparable painful fights that never get resolved, and the anger lingers forever what they 49 00:03:51.919 --> 00:04:00.400 have our little border skirmishes all day long, just like re executing their breas. 50 00:04:00.719 --> 00:04:02.080 In fact, I noticed Julio and I like to argue a lot in 51 00:04:02.120 --> 00:04:06.159 public in a very playful way. It's almost a performance. You know. 52 00:04:06.199 --> 00:04:10.400 We'll be at the cash register at Trader Joe's and he's like, oh, 53 00:04:10.439 --> 00:04:13.599 you're buying that healthy stuff. You think I'm gonna eat that, And I 54 00:04:13.639 --> 00:04:15.479 go, oh, no, you have to. It's good for your health. 55 00:04:15.520 --> 00:04:18.279 You needed it. And we start into this funny, cute little argument 56 00:04:19.240 --> 00:04:25.240 as entertainment for the cashier, and they laugh every time because he's very funny. 57 00:04:25.560 --> 00:04:29.639 And so that's one of our strategies to kind of negotiate things. We 58 00:04:29.720 --> 00:04:31.600 do it with humor. But anyway, this little tiff, it doesn't matter 59 00:04:31.639 --> 00:04:35.560 what it was about. It was a little tiff. It made me think, 60 00:04:35.680 --> 00:04:41.040 like, how do I get back to love? I noticed in the 61 00:04:41.040 --> 00:04:43.680 middle of the tiff that I got up off the sofa. We were sitting 62 00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:46.600 together on the sofa, and I went over to the dining room table and 63 00:04:46.600 --> 00:04:49.639 I started packing my purse with things we lived together. Okay, like, 64 00:04:49.639 --> 00:04:54.800 where am I going what am I putting in my bag? It was like 65 00:04:54.839 --> 00:04:57.759 this weird automatic. I gotta get out of here. I have this running 66 00:04:57.800 --> 00:05:00.360 feeling. And the good news is that during that moment, he stood up 67 00:05:00.399 --> 00:05:05.319 and came over to me and put his hand on my shoulders. So I 68 00:05:05.360 --> 00:05:08.720 want to say this touch. That's the first thing I want to say. 69 00:05:08.759 --> 00:05:12.680 You want to get back to love after And I don't mean it has to 70 00:05:12.720 --> 00:05:17.680 be makeup sex, but just touch, get connected. Your body emits dopamine 71 00:05:17.680 --> 00:05:25.480 and oxytocin the bonding hormone touch immediately after a little disagreement. But I do 72 00:05:25.519 --> 00:05:28.600 want to say this. We all deal with conflict differently. We learned it 73 00:05:28.639 --> 00:05:33.199 from our family of origin. If your partner needs some space, let them 74 00:05:33.240 --> 00:05:36.600 have a little space. Now, the partner that needs the space has to 75 00:05:36.680 --> 00:05:42.480 learn to say, I want to talk about this. I'm feeling overwhelmed right 76 00:05:42.519 --> 00:05:45.800 now. Can we talk about it in an hour or can we talk about 77 00:05:45.800 --> 00:05:47.920 it tomorrow. I promise I'm going to revisit this. This is all too 78 00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:53.519 much for me. You avoiding people who run away during conflict need to learn 79 00:05:53.519 --> 00:05:57.879 how to say those words, because that calms down the anxious person. Otherwise, 80 00:05:58.000 --> 00:06:00.079 dudes, you go into your cave, is going to be throwing grenades 81 00:06:00.319 --> 00:06:04.800 in that cave. Okay, so she will feel more abandoned and more triggered 82 00:06:04.879 --> 00:06:10.720 and chase after you. Now, the anxious one, just relax, take 83 00:06:10.759 --> 00:06:15.199 a deep breath, focus on containing yourself. The other bit of advice I 84 00:06:15.240 --> 00:06:20.920 have after a little tiff is don't have an all or nothing mentality. Don't 85 00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:24.959 be like, Okay, well we had a fight, it must be over 86 00:06:25.240 --> 00:06:28.240 because if your brain starts to go down that rabbit's hole, you know, 87 00:06:28.279 --> 00:06:31.920 life is a self fulfilling prophecy. Trust me. So don't have that idea 88 00:06:31.959 --> 00:06:38.560 that because you're fighting, therefore this is the beginning of the end. You 89 00:06:38.560 --> 00:06:41.759 know. I've heard people say it's a sign, this must be a sign. 90 00:06:42.120 --> 00:06:46.000 No, it's a conflict. And it's really important during conflict that you 91 00:06:46.040 --> 00:06:50.360 don't lose sight of who you're with, and that's the person you love. 92 00:06:51.720 --> 00:06:57.639 And my final bit of advice while I talk about I just talked about giving 93 00:06:57.639 --> 00:07:02.120 someone space, give someone the cold shoulder, never give someone the silent treatment, 94 00:07:02.360 --> 00:07:08.160 never shut them out. This is a prescription for a breakup. As 95 00:07:08.199 --> 00:07:12.959 I've always said, and I'll say it again, the partner who is dismissed 96 00:07:13.399 --> 00:07:17.560 will eventually find somebody who listens, and that person will be a lover or 97 00:07:17.600 --> 00:07:23.360 a lawyer. Trust me. So it's really important that you schedule time to 98 00:07:23.399 --> 00:07:27.439 work with it. In fact, if you're afraid of intimacy, if you're 99 00:07:27.480 --> 00:07:31.120 afraid to talk about these tender things. A little later in the show, 100 00:07:31.480 --> 00:07:36.279 I want to talk specifically to you, there are some strategies that you can 101 00:07:36.480 --> 00:07:44.600 use to start to learn to be a little more intimate. Oh one other 102 00:07:44.639 --> 00:07:47.560 thing, stop providing excuses and rational rationally and well you made me do it 103 00:07:47.600 --> 00:07:50.560 well because I had to stop it. Just say you're sorry. Okay, 104 00:07:50.839 --> 00:07:57.040 I think I'm sorry are two of the most powerful words that ever come up 105 00:07:57.079 --> 00:08:00.959 in any relationship. All Right, we have to go to break when we 106 00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:05.439 come back. Are you too sleeping in separate beds? Do you feel bad 107 00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:09.720 about this? I've got some news for you. You might be okay, 108 00:08:11.079 --> 00:08:15.040 you might be onto something. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show 109 00:08:15.079 --> 00:08:20.199 on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're 110 00:08:20.279 --> 00:08:26.160 listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back, 111 00:08:26.199 --> 00:08:30.720 to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live 112 00:08:30.879 --> 00:08:35.200 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You are listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. And 113 00:08:35.399 --> 00:08:41.440 I'm about to admit something to you, something I'm a little embarrassed about. 114 00:08:41.120 --> 00:08:48.600 Okay, I came by it completely, honestly. I snore. I got 115 00:08:48.639 --> 00:08:52.320 it from my parents. Look, when I was a kid, I used 116 00:08:52.360 --> 00:08:54.159 to get scared at night. I didn't know I had childhood anxiety. We 117 00:08:54.159 --> 00:08:56.480 have a name for these things. Now we get it treated. But you 118 00:08:56.480 --> 00:08:58.440 know me, I was just scared of the dark, scared of everything, 119 00:08:58.480 --> 00:09:03.559 scared and I whatever, and I would go and crawl in my parents' bed. 120 00:09:03.240 --> 00:09:09.039 Well, I was more terrified of the thundering sound coming out of my 121 00:09:09.120 --> 00:09:15.080 mother. In fact, my boyfriend Julio says, how can such a sweet, 122 00:09:15.480 --> 00:09:20.799 feminine woman have that rumbling come out of her. I've never heard myself 123 00:09:20.840 --> 00:09:24.240 snore. I will tell you this, I don't know it exists. Julio 124 00:09:24.360 --> 00:09:28.919 keeps saying, I'm gonna tape it sometime and let you hear it. But 125 00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:31.960 I would be mortified. Well, recently, I had a routine and a 126 00:09:33.039 --> 00:09:37.320 scopy, and when I came up out of an esthetic. Love that propival. 127 00:09:37.159 --> 00:09:41.759 The doctor says, wow, I bet you snore a lot. How 128 00:09:41.799 --> 00:09:45.200 would she know? By looking down my throat, She said, there's a 129 00:09:45.240 --> 00:09:48.639 bunch of scar tissue on my esophagus. Apparently I have at acid reflux with 130 00:09:48.679 --> 00:09:54.799 no symptoms, no symptoms at all except snoring bothers everybody else, but not 131 00:09:54.879 --> 00:09:58.759 me. So she said, I'm gonna give you this little medication and see 132 00:09:58.759 --> 00:10:01.039 if it'll calm down the inflammation. So I've been doing it, taking it 133 00:10:01.039 --> 00:10:05.480 for a few weeks now, Julio says, I'm snoring less. Oh amazing. 134 00:10:05.519 --> 00:10:09.559 Could change our lives. This thing. Who knew, right, It 135 00:10:09.639 --> 00:10:13.879 wasn't It's not my nose, it's not my sinuses, it's my esophagus. 136 00:10:13.879 --> 00:10:16.480 That's why it sounds like it's coming down from my chest, this rumble, 137 00:10:16.759 --> 00:10:20.519 this thunder. Anyway, I digress. This is a long personal story to 138 00:10:20.559 --> 00:10:24.159 tell you that I would totally understand if Julio said to me, luck, 139 00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:28.759 I can't sleep, I need to sleep in another room. I would be 140 00:10:28.960 --> 00:10:31.240 a little hurt. Of course, I'd be embarrassed, ashamed because it's the 141 00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:35.360 thing going on with me. But I didn't invent this. I inherited it. 142 00:10:35.440 --> 00:10:41.039 Okay. So a new study came out that shows that nearly a third 143 00:10:41.080 --> 00:10:48.080 of married Americans sleep in separate beds. Some people call it the Great American 144 00:10:48.399 --> 00:10:54.879 sleep divorce. Actually, forty three percent of millennials. Huh. You see 145 00:10:54.879 --> 00:11:00.360 as you get older, thirty three percent of Gen X and Gen Z twenty 146 00:11:00.399 --> 00:11:03.720 two Gen Z are you even getting married yet? What the heck aren't you 147 00:11:03.799 --> 00:11:09.000 babies X Y Z. I don't know. I think you're my college students. 148 00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:15.039 I get it. So I do want to say this that let's think 149 00:11:15.080 --> 00:11:18.559 about if you're judging these people who are sleeping separately, I want you to 150 00:11:18.600 --> 00:11:24.519 ask yourself what are you judging them for. Are you saying, oh, 151 00:11:24.559 --> 00:11:28.840 this is a slippery slope, this is on the way to divorce, this 152 00:11:28.919 --> 00:11:33.919 is a kind of separation. Or are you thinking, oh, their sex 153 00:11:33.039 --> 00:11:37.360 life must be over. Or are you thinking, oh, this is just 154 00:11:37.440 --> 00:11:41.519 a way to stay in the house but be completely undivorced and live separately. 155 00:11:43.480 --> 00:11:48.480 All those things you know could be completely wrong. In fact, there's a 156 00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:52.600 chance that none of them are right at all. The truth is that there 157 00:11:52.600 --> 00:11:56.919 are plenty of ways to have a healthy and happy relationship, but the most 158 00:11:56.919 --> 00:12:03.039 important thing is you find other way to connect. So let me go through 159 00:12:03.120 --> 00:12:07.519 some of my ideas of how people can connect if for all kinds of reasons, 160 00:12:07.519 --> 00:12:11.600 health, reason, asleep. Look, I lived for a bunch of 161 00:12:11.639 --> 00:12:15.919 years with a guy who was a total night person, and he got the 162 00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:20.639 most work done in the middle of the night. I spent years angry with 163 00:12:20.759 --> 00:12:28.240 him. I felt abandoned, I felt lonely. I didn't understand what was 164 00:12:28.279 --> 00:12:31.159 going on. I thought he was throwing himself into his work at two in 165 00:12:31.200 --> 00:12:35.120 the morning or three in the morning because he just didn't want to be near 166 00:12:35.200 --> 00:12:39.919 me. Right, Imagine if we had stopped and talked about it, and 167 00:12:39.960 --> 00:12:43.879 talked about what was really going on. I'm a morning person, he's a 168 00:12:43.000 --> 00:12:48.960 night person. I go to bed nine ten o'clock on the outside. He's 169 00:12:48.120 --> 00:12:52.840 up early, and so as a result, we had different sleep schedules. 170 00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:56.720 But imagine if we could have talked about it instead of just this old silent 171 00:12:56.799 --> 00:13:01.639 treatment. So here a few tips. If you are undergoing a sleep divorce, 172 00:13:01.720 --> 00:13:05.440 I hate that name. We shouldn't call it a sleep divorce. If 173 00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:09.879 you are sleeping in separate beds, here's my advice in order to sort of 174 00:13:09.919 --> 00:13:15.679 keep the connection just because you don't sleep together doesn't mean you can't start out 175 00:13:15.720 --> 00:13:18.360 in the same bed. There's all kinds of things you could do, whether 176 00:13:18.399 --> 00:13:22.039 you're reading together, watching TV together, cuddling, having sex, whatever. 177 00:13:22.279 --> 00:13:26.360 There's no reason that the two of you shouldn't start out together. That's the 178 00:13:26.399 --> 00:13:31.559 first thing I want to say. Also, do visit each other's beds. 179 00:13:31.720 --> 00:13:33.399 And also, when I go back to that research study that I talked about 180 00:13:33.399 --> 00:13:39.720 it and it was done by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine sleep Medicine, 181 00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:46.440 here's what we know that a couple where one or both partners are deprived of 182 00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:50.519 sleep are going to naturally have more conflict anyway. This is the thing that 183 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:54.679 breaks people up so much because everybody's just overtired. And when you're overtired, 184 00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:58.679 you don't have the patience to deal with your partner. So that makes a 185 00:13:58.720 --> 00:14:03.240 good case for sleeping separately. If a partner snores or they're up all night. 186 00:14:03.240 --> 00:14:07.919 There's some people I won't say who, but they tend to be okay, 187 00:14:07.919 --> 00:14:11.879 all my friends, menopuzzle women, They drink a little wine, they 188 00:14:11.919 --> 00:14:15.279 go to bed. Alcohol, as you know, puts you down. But 189 00:14:15.399 --> 00:14:18.200 what does it do after that? It brings you up, so then they're 190 00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:20.200 up all night. They're up and down and up and down, and don't 191 00:14:20.200 --> 00:14:22.759 even talk to me about the hot flashes. So if you're like that and 192 00:14:24.200 --> 00:14:28.159 it really disturbs your husband because you're up and down all night, then it 193 00:14:28.279 --> 00:14:31.000 might make sense to sleep in separate rooms at least some of the time. 194 00:14:31.360 --> 00:14:37.200 Okay, here's another technique that I know that some couples do. During the 195 00:14:37.240 --> 00:14:39.840 week when they've got to get up, they got to go to work, 196 00:14:39.840 --> 00:14:43.200 there's kids to take care of their stuff happening, they may sleep in separate 197 00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:46.600 beds, but on the weekend it's a couple time, so they force it 198 00:14:46.600 --> 00:14:50.080 through because they can catch up on the sleep they can sleep in in the 199 00:14:50.120 --> 00:14:54.559 morning. That's another great technique, all right. Also, make sure you 200 00:14:54.679 --> 00:14:58.159 get the touch. The touch I always talk about it. Don't night the 201 00:14:58.240 --> 00:15:03.919 dopamine, oxytocin, the serotonin, all those wonderful neural hormones, the stuff 202 00:15:03.960 --> 00:15:07.960 that keeps you close and bonded. You get that through touch. So if 203 00:15:07.960 --> 00:15:11.440 you're not sleeping together, you're going to have to touch more during the day, 204 00:15:11.919 --> 00:15:16.960 hold hands, hug, do whatever you need to. Above all, 205 00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:22.840 don't think that this is the beginning of the end. Have discussions about it 206 00:15:22.039 --> 00:15:24.679 and what it means. As I said, I lived with a guy for 207 00:15:24.759 --> 00:15:28.639 years and we never talked about it, and I was busy feeling abandoned. 208 00:15:28.879 --> 00:15:31.639 He was just a night owl. He got his best work done at two 209 00:15:31.639 --> 00:15:35.320 in the morning, right, so we could have had the conversation. So, 210 00:15:35.440 --> 00:15:39.440 no matter what, talk about it. Know that you're not crazy. 211 00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:43.960 If you're a millennial or older. Apparently forty three percent of you are sleeping 212 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:46.320 in separate beds, so it's normal. But you have to make up for 213 00:15:46.360 --> 00:15:48.879 the lost time. You have to make up for the lost touch, the 214 00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:56.879 lost connection. You have to find ways to stay connected. I know now, 215 00:15:56.960 --> 00:15:58.639 you know, you know I snore? Well, it's you know, 216 00:16:00.039 --> 00:16:03.320 what can I do? My mother rattled? I rattle? What can I 217 00:16:03.440 --> 00:16:07.759 What can I say? When we come back? I want to talk a 218 00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:11.200 little bit about man. I love to talk about men. Women love to 219 00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:14.200 talk about men. Half of our life is spent talking about man. But 220 00:16:14.240 --> 00:16:18.000 I want to talk about the very different male sexual psychology that men have compared 221 00:16:18.039 --> 00:16:22.720 to women, and also how men fall in love because ladies, they fall 222 00:16:22.759 --> 00:16:26.200 in love very differently than we do. I'll explain when we come back. 223 00:16:26.519 --> 00:16:30.639 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I AM six forty. 224 00:16:30.639 --> 00:16:34.720 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 225 00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:40.240 on demand from kf I AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy 226 00:16:40.279 --> 00:16:44.879 Walls Show on kf I AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio 227 00:16:44.960 --> 00:16:48.639 app. You know, for a very long time, men have wondered what 228 00:16:48.679 --> 00:16:52.879 it is that women want, how women think, why women are the way 229 00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:57.159 they are. We are certainly more emotionally astute than you guys, not to 230 00:16:57.279 --> 00:17:07.759 say that there are not very sensitive, very emotionally mature, insightful, emotionally 231 00:17:07.759 --> 00:17:12.160 intelligent men out there. But as an overall gender, oh, I should 232 00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:15.839 stop right here and talk a little bit about gender, shall we. Gender 233 00:17:15.880 --> 00:17:22.160 is a spectrum, but biological sex is one two or three things, which 234 00:17:22.279 --> 00:17:29.720 is male x Y, female x X and intersex where you might have some 235 00:17:29.759 --> 00:17:34.279 combination. How your gender expresses is partly biological and of course partly social. 236 00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:41.200 However, for the purpose of this conversation, let's talk about heterosexual male and 237 00:17:41.400 --> 00:17:48.559 female relationships and biological males and biological females. So there's a lot of work 238 00:17:49.720 --> 00:17:56.000 on done by the evolutionary psychologist doctor David Buss at the University of Texas. 239 00:17:56.599 --> 00:17:59.759 I think he wrote a book, a really great book with doctor Cindy Meston 240 00:17:59.799 --> 00:18:03.559 call Why Women Have Sex Right, And there were like three hundred different reasons 241 00:18:03.559 --> 00:18:07.279 why women have sex. Men, as it turns out, are much more 242 00:18:07.319 --> 00:18:11.920 simpler. It's more like whatever their regular thing is, whether it's once a 243 00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:14.880 day, once a month, or once a year, it's a pipe cleaning 244 00:18:14.920 --> 00:18:19.359 basically. So no, I know, guys, you're much more complicated than 245 00:18:19.400 --> 00:18:26.119 that. But when it comes to love, romantic love, I want to 246 00:18:26.160 --> 00:18:30.519 say that men and women are distinctly different, both in the way and the 247 00:18:30.559 --> 00:18:34.599 pace and the things that trigger them to fall into romantic love. Let me 248 00:18:34.640 --> 00:18:38.279 first refer back to the work of doctor David Buss. Now, one of 249 00:18:38.279 --> 00:18:42.200 his most famous studies was done on ten thousand people in thirty three countries. 250 00:18:42.440 --> 00:18:47.920 When you hear that, you should hear oh. That's called cross cultural research, 251 00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:52.519 which means that you can't say culture implanted this in people. It's a 252 00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:56.240 human thing if it's happening in thirty three countries. He asked a psychologist and 253 00:18:56.359 --> 00:19:02.119 others to collect data and basically ask men what are you most attracted to in 254 00:19:02.160 --> 00:19:06.680 women? And also ask women what are you most attracted to in men? 255 00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:11.519 Well, the female answers probably aren't surprising to you. They're very stereotypical, 256 00:19:11.599 --> 00:19:17.000 and stereotypes exist for a reason because they're common. So, first, as 257 00:19:17.160 --> 00:19:21.960 men look or women look for resources. Again, back in our anthropological past 258 00:19:22.039 --> 00:19:27.039 and even today, the burden of bearing children, the burden of breastfeeding children, 259 00:19:27.119 --> 00:19:33.480 the burden of raising children often falls largely on females, and during that 260 00:19:33.559 --> 00:19:37.400 time, they need to figure out if there's going to be somebody who's going 261 00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:40.960 to invest in this relationship and help them with this job. Right, So 262 00:19:41.000 --> 00:19:45.599 they look for resource potential. But right behind that they look for intelligence. 263 00:19:47.079 --> 00:19:49.920 Now, our hunter, gather ancestor women would think, well, what if 264 00:19:49.920 --> 00:19:52.960 there was a harsh winter, What if we ran through all the fruit in 265 00:19:53.039 --> 00:19:56.160 this orchard and we had to move on? Do I have a guy that's 266 00:19:56.160 --> 00:20:00.920 smart enough to figure out how to extract act resources from the environment, how 267 00:20:00.960 --> 00:20:04.720 to get us food and shelter and fire and clothing and all the things that 268 00:20:04.759 --> 00:20:08.599 we need. In today's times, we might say, well, if my 269 00:20:08.680 --> 00:20:12.960 dude lost his job. Is he also qualified to do something else? Or 270 00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:17.400 if there's a great recession or a pandemic, is he going to be smart 271 00:20:17.559 --> 00:20:19.359 enough to pivot? You see, they look for intelligence. By the way, 272 00:20:19.400 --> 00:20:23.640 guys, you know how you showcase intelligence to women. Humor is a 273 00:20:23.640 --> 00:20:30.160 good one. People who are funny tend to be very smart because all the 274 00:20:30.279 --> 00:20:33.240 layers to read the room and figure out the references and be quick and all 275 00:20:33.279 --> 00:20:38.039 that. So number one resources, that's what women look for. Number two 276 00:20:38.599 --> 00:20:44.319 intelligence, Number three kindness because at the end of the day, if you 277 00:20:44.400 --> 00:20:49.680 marry a guy who's rich and really smart, but he's a domestic violence of 278 00:20:49.839 --> 00:20:52.400 endor or an evil person, you know, you look for a kindness. 279 00:20:53.119 --> 00:20:59.680 So when those same researchers asked me, ask men what they look for in 280 00:20:59.720 --> 00:21:03.400 women, and the story was very different. First of all, you're not 281 00:21:03.440 --> 00:21:06.599 surprised ladies to hear this. Men need to be attracted. They need to 282 00:21:06.640 --> 00:21:08.880 be physically attracted to a woman. Now, I want to remind you there's 283 00:21:08.920 --> 00:21:14.519 somebody for everybody, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But 284 00:21:14.920 --> 00:21:18.039 youth and beauty are the number one things that men look for. Why did 285 00:21:18.039 --> 00:21:22.440 I throw in youth there? Because their brains are wired to reproduce, and 286 00:21:22.480 --> 00:21:26.000 they want somebody with young eggs. Now you're saying, but wait to say. 287 00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:27.160 They've already had their kids, they're divorce, they're in the forty they're 288 00:21:27.160 --> 00:21:32.400 not looking to reproduce, okay, but they have an ancient brain that's still 289 00:21:32.440 --> 00:21:36.480 triggered by old fashioned thoughts. So they're good. Let's say they want a 290 00:21:36.559 --> 00:21:38.920 day to peer, and peers are attracted to peers across the lifespan. So 291 00:21:40.039 --> 00:21:42.319 they're forty or fifty or sixty, and they want to marry somebody who's forty 292 00:21:42.400 --> 00:21:47.079 or fifty or sixty, they're still going to look for the youngest, prettiest 293 00:21:47.160 --> 00:21:51.039 version of that. That's how it just goes right. So men look for 294 00:21:51.119 --> 00:21:53.920 looks, and then behind that, and this is where I want you to 295 00:21:53.960 --> 00:22:00.319 listen closely, ladies, they look for loyalty because back in our anthropological past, 296 00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:03.319 if a man was able to date a supermodel. I don't know if 297 00:22:03.359 --> 00:22:07.440 they had supermodels when we were hunters and gathers, but anyway, a good 298 00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:11.519 looking woman, if he was able to date that woman, he risked her 299 00:22:11.640 --> 00:22:17.000 sharing her eggs with the rest of the tribe. Other dudes who would move 300 00:22:17.000 --> 00:22:21.160 in mate poachers, and then he would be cut colded. He would actually 301 00:22:21.200 --> 00:22:26.000 be left raising another man's genes and his own genes fell out of evolution's chain. 302 00:22:26.359 --> 00:22:30.039 If you think the sexual double standard that exists today was invented by patriarchy, 303 00:22:30.079 --> 00:22:34.519 you are so wrong. It's hardwired in men's genes. Is that the 304 00:22:34.599 --> 00:22:38.240 man who evolved to go who's she with, where's she going, what's happening? 305 00:22:38.880 --> 00:22:41.559 You know, will shoot his genes into the future and not end up 306 00:22:41.640 --> 00:22:45.119 raising another I know now we have paternity tests whatever they didn't have that then. 307 00:22:45.640 --> 00:22:51.240 Anyway. The third thing men look for is kindness I hope again, 308 00:22:51.279 --> 00:22:53.400 it doesn't matter if he ends up with a supermodel who's stuck to him like 309 00:22:53.480 --> 00:22:56.920 glue. If she's awful to live with, not a good thing. So 310 00:22:57.960 --> 00:23:02.599 I want, ladies. If you're thinking about why men fall in love or 311 00:23:02.640 --> 00:23:06.559 how they fall in love, to stop it with the Instagram filters, stop 312 00:23:06.599 --> 00:23:08.920 it with all about the youth and beauty. Focus on the other things, 313 00:23:10.440 --> 00:23:15.480 loyalty and kindness. Because research shows that and this research is by Helen Fisher 314 00:23:15.599 --> 00:23:19.960 at the Kinsey Institute, that men actually fall in love faster than women do, 315 00:23:21.240 --> 00:23:26.160 and men will say I love you faster. Okay, I said it 316 00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:30.319 first with Julio and I, but generally if women can just keep their mouths 317 00:23:30.440 --> 00:23:33.119 zipped, because sometimes women say it to try to draw him in to see 318 00:23:33.119 --> 00:23:37.000 if he's going to say it right. But men will fall in love quicker. 319 00:23:37.160 --> 00:23:40.480 But they fall in love yes, first for a little bit of tractionists, 320 00:23:40.799 --> 00:23:45.359 but then they want to have a best friend who's loyal to them, 321 00:23:47.160 --> 00:23:52.559 who has their back, somebody that they feel good around. And I know 322 00:23:52.599 --> 00:23:53.880 there are women out there saying, I don't want to have to laugh at 323 00:23:53.880 --> 00:23:56.160 your jokes if they're not funny. I don't want to have to make you 324 00:23:56.200 --> 00:24:00.839 feel like the king and the man. Okay, then don't in a relationship, 325 00:24:00.920 --> 00:24:03.480 because you know what a relationship is. It's an exchange of care, 326 00:24:03.960 --> 00:24:07.759 and we're both supposed to have each other's back, we're both supposed to make 327 00:24:07.759 --> 00:24:10.839 each other feel good. And so ladies, I want to say this, 328 00:24:11.559 --> 00:24:14.119 don't be competitive with men on dates. I know you're saying, oh, 329 00:24:14.160 --> 00:24:17.880 your sounds terrible like the nineteen fifties. Look, if you're in your reproductive 330 00:24:17.880 --> 00:24:21.880 window and you have made a choice not to be a single mother, and 331 00:24:21.920 --> 00:24:26.119 you'd like somebody who invests in your family. Then be his biggest fan, 332 00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:32.720 be his loyal supporter. It is possible also to showcase loyalty by just talking 333 00:24:32.720 --> 00:24:36.400 about your commitment to your job, your family, your pets, your charity 334 00:24:36.440 --> 00:24:38.519 work, whatever. He'll see that. I remember one guy, and he 335 00:24:38.559 --> 00:24:41.599 was a total playboy. You never stopped long enough for me, But at 336 00:24:41.640 --> 00:24:45.000 one point he did say to me, I want to keep you around because 337 00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:49.559 you seem solid, like you have purpose, and I think he was saying 338 00:24:49.640 --> 00:24:52.519 like the loyalty thing. Anyway, he couldn't keep me around because he was 339 00:24:52.559 --> 00:24:56.240 busy dating too many other women. So I had to move on. Oh 340 00:24:56.279 --> 00:25:00.319 my goodness, but how time goes by. We have to go to break 341 00:25:00.319 --> 00:25:04.480 Now when we come back, I want to talk a little bit about emotional 342 00:25:04.519 --> 00:25:07.880 intimacy. It's something I talk about a lot, and I know a lot 343 00:25:07.960 --> 00:25:11.720 of people are afraid of it, partly because they just weren't schooled. Their 344 00:25:11.720 --> 00:25:15.799 family of origin never gave them language for feelings. They don't know how to 345 00:25:15.839 --> 00:25:19.920 bring up those prickly topics. Maybe they're not even aware of some of their 346 00:25:19.920 --> 00:25:23.799 own feelings. Let's talk about how to be more intimate. When we come 347 00:25:23.839 --> 00:25:27.519 back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I Am 348 00:25:27.519 --> 00:25:33.160 six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor 349 00:25:33.200 --> 00:25:37.359 Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am six forty. Welcome back to the 350 00:25:37.400 --> 00:25:41.079 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on 351 00:25:41.160 --> 00:25:45.400 the iHeartRadio app. Just reminder, if you'd like to follow me on my 352 00:25:45.480 --> 00:25:49.119 social media, you certainly may. The handle everywhere is at that's at at 353 00:25:49.160 --> 00:25:56.000 sign Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. You know, I want to 354 00:25:56.039 --> 00:25:59.599 talk about intimacy. I want to talk about emotional intimacy. It's so funny 355 00:25:59.640 --> 00:26:07.759 that people use the term intimacy to refer to sexual intimacy, when actually it 356 00:26:07.799 --> 00:26:12.720 means psychological, it means emotional, it means social. In some ways, 357 00:26:14.799 --> 00:26:23.039 I learned how to be intimate. I had parents who were loving with boundaries, 358 00:26:23.759 --> 00:26:30.400 meaning that when I was growing up, if there were emotions that were 359 00:26:30.680 --> 00:26:33.559 not welcome, we were told, go to your room, come back when 360 00:26:33.599 --> 00:26:40.799 you've changed your attitude, instead of helping us process what we were experiencing. 361 00:26:41.079 --> 00:26:45.359 So we were as children denied. And this may sound like you and your 362 00:26:45.440 --> 00:26:49.480 upbringing denied language. We weren't given language for all the feelings out there. 363 00:26:51.160 --> 00:26:53.720 The good news about my mom is that she was actually very good when we 364 00:26:53.720 --> 00:26:56.240 were sick, So there was a lot of loving and nurturing and care in 365 00:26:56.279 --> 00:27:02.279 that sense. And I also remembers crying and having her say, you know, 366 00:27:02.440 --> 00:27:04.519 sometimes, honey, you just need to have a good cry. Or 367 00:27:04.640 --> 00:27:07.920 come here, let me give you a hug while you have a good cry. 368 00:27:07.240 --> 00:27:11.000 So there was certain feelings that were allowed, but plenty of other times 369 00:27:11.000 --> 00:27:15.480 it was like, you know, cheer up, change your attitude, right, 370 00:27:15.200 --> 00:27:18.680 so, or the worst that parents will say, I've heard this all 371 00:27:18.680 --> 00:27:23.359 the time. Oh, they just want attention. Yeah, that's what kids 372 00:27:23.400 --> 00:27:27.400 want and deserve attention. So anyway, if you come up in life, 373 00:27:27.480 --> 00:27:32.079 and also if your parents fought behind closed doors and you never saw a healthy 374 00:27:32.119 --> 00:27:37.759 conflict or healthy repair afterwards, you might be terrified of intimacy because it is 375 00:27:37.799 --> 00:27:42.240 the unknown. Now. I also had a kind of an anxious attachment style, 376 00:27:42.319 --> 00:27:48.759 so I was like always fearing abandonment and craving intimacy. But here's the 377 00:27:48.799 --> 00:27:53.920 catch. When it was actually presented to me, then I didn't know what 378 00:27:53.960 --> 00:27:56.920 to do, and I ran away from it so I would be attracted to 379 00:27:56.960 --> 00:28:00.000 people who couldn't love me back. I was attracted people who couldn't give me 380 00:28:00.039 --> 00:28:04.559 emotional intimacy because my state of love was a state of longing. It was 381 00:28:04.599 --> 00:28:08.680 a state of wanting to feel loved and always being attracted to the wrong people. 382 00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.000 One of the reasons why in my if you could call it a media 383 00:28:14.079 --> 00:28:17.279 brand and whatever it is, the books that I write and the podcasts I 384 00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:19.519 make in the radio show I do. One of the reasons why I focus 385 00:28:19.599 --> 00:28:26.000 so much on red flags and choosing well at the very beginning, because sometimes 386 00:28:26.039 --> 00:28:32.240 we could unconsciously be choosing somebody who would actually trigger some of our early childhood 387 00:28:32.319 --> 00:28:36.000 stuff. And so if we just go about it blindly without a flashlight, 388 00:28:37.079 --> 00:28:41.079 will stay in our state of whatever it is longing or fear of intimacy. 389 00:28:41.799 --> 00:28:45.359 But if we can make different choices at the beginning, sometimes intimacy can be 390 00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:48.799 modeled for us. If we happen to choose somebody who as a secure attachment 391 00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:52.519 style, who's open and honest, and we can stick with it, then 392 00:28:52.559 --> 00:28:56.720 that gets modeled for us, and then we can learn how to become intimate. 393 00:28:56.039 --> 00:29:00.880 In my case, I learned intimacy through therapy. Right, there's no 394 00:29:00.960 --> 00:29:06.240 more intimate relationship than in the therapist's office. I got to practice putting words 395 00:29:06.240 --> 00:29:11.559 on my feelings and expressing them in certain ways. But anyway, I also 396 00:29:11.680 --> 00:29:17.200 meet a lot of people who are just somehow terrified of getting close. But 397 00:29:17.319 --> 00:29:21.559 they want to, and they don't know how, and they're terrified of all 398 00:29:21.640 --> 00:29:23.799 kinds of Like, come on, we're human beings, terrified of rejection, 399 00:29:25.440 --> 00:29:30.319 terrified that if they do express their true, authentic selves that that person will 400 00:29:30.400 --> 00:29:37.119 leave them or mock them, or you get defensive. So I want to 401 00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:41.839 go through some of the ways we can all learn to become a little more 402 00:29:42.400 --> 00:29:48.279 intimate. And the first way is to simply become more aware of your own 403 00:29:48.279 --> 00:29:52.839 feelings. Literally, start to journal, start to write down words for feelings. 404 00:29:52.839 --> 00:29:56.319 Look them up on the internet if you have to. Most people have 405 00:29:56.920 --> 00:30:00.480 a very limited vocabulary for feelings. It's like I feel happy, sad, 406 00:30:00.960 --> 00:30:03.160 angry, pissed off. I mean, that's it, right, when there 407 00:30:03.200 --> 00:30:07.880 are a plethora of emotions that you might want to practice saying like I feel 408 00:30:07.880 --> 00:30:11.799 a little ashamed about this, but I want to share this, or I 409 00:30:11.839 --> 00:30:17.480 feel grateful or I feel joyful or I feel apprehensive. There are many, 410 00:30:17.519 --> 00:30:19.680 many, dozens and dozens and dozens of words for feelings. If you google 411 00:30:19.720 --> 00:30:25.240 it, you can find them. But practice using them, right, that's 412 00:30:25.279 --> 00:30:30.359 the thing, And practice just becoming aware of them inside yourself, because the 413 00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:34.680 first step to intimacy is knowing yourself and knowing your feelings. Remember, feelings 414 00:30:34.720 --> 00:30:37.599 aren't dangerous, and we all have a rainbow of feelings inside of us at 415 00:30:37.599 --> 00:30:44.480 any given time. What there are is messengers. They're a messenger that basically 416 00:30:44.559 --> 00:30:48.839 tells us that something's not right or something's very right, and so we just 417 00:30:48.880 --> 00:30:53.880 pay attention to those messengers. You know, we have to learn to get 418 00:30:53.880 --> 00:30:56.599 close to people, and in order to do that, we have to take 419 00:30:56.640 --> 00:31:03.119 emotional risks. My best advice is to do it carefully and gently and choose 420 00:31:03.119 --> 00:31:11.400 your targets well. Choose somebody who has empathy, who seems to be an 421 00:31:11.480 --> 00:31:18.000 understanding person, and then test the water with small disclosures. Right. It's 422 00:31:18.039 --> 00:31:21.720 not like you have to be emotionally intimate with every single person in your life. 423 00:31:21.920 --> 00:31:26.240 But in order to learn how to be emotionally intimate with a romantic partner, 424 00:31:26.640 --> 00:31:30.440 you've got to practice it with a few other people as well. You 425 00:31:30.519 --> 00:31:37.160 know, it's really important that while we're learning how to be close, that 426 00:31:37.279 --> 00:31:45.799 we also understand the reason for it, and that is the feeling of security 427 00:31:45.839 --> 00:31:51.039 when you do have trust and indeed a commitment from somebody else, it's like 428 00:31:52.039 --> 00:31:56.440 somebody else has your back and you don't live in fear anymore. So hard 429 00:31:56.480 --> 00:32:01.519 for me to explain this until I experienced the transformation myself, and again it 430 00:32:01.559 --> 00:32:06.359 took years and years and years. I personally think that not only therapy, 431 00:32:06.440 --> 00:32:09.680 but having such a secure attachment with my children helped me learn how to be 432 00:32:09.759 --> 00:32:14.839 intimate. As they were expressing their feelings, I was giving them language for 433 00:32:14.880 --> 00:32:20.000 that and learning about myself at the same time. But eventually I got to 434 00:32:20.039 --> 00:32:23.599 a place where I could communicate my feelings and not fear that I would be 435 00:32:23.640 --> 00:32:30.720 abandoned because I found a partner who had a secure attachment style who could also 436 00:32:30.759 --> 00:32:34.279 talk about their feelings. Now, nobody's perfect, and we do have times 437 00:32:34.319 --> 00:32:37.880 where we're trying to be a feeling detective with each other, like what's really 438 00:32:37.880 --> 00:32:40.880 going on here? What are you feeling? And it does take time, 439 00:32:43.000 --> 00:32:47.400 but if you've been afraid to be real and authentic, I want you to 440 00:32:47.440 --> 00:32:53.599 take a chance, because taking small chances are the stepping stones to moving forward. 441 00:32:55.319 --> 00:33:00.680 I would say somebody who is learning how to be more intimate, the 442 00:33:00.839 --> 00:33:05.440 area that they need to learn to express the most actually isn't the love you 443 00:33:05.480 --> 00:33:09.920 happy part. It's when conflict comes up right. So many people are so 444 00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:16.720 afraid of handling conflict correctly that they run away or they just give someone the 445 00:33:16.720 --> 00:33:22.559 cold shoulder or the silent treatment. And that is the real lesson to learn. 446 00:33:22.680 --> 00:33:25.640 To learn how to say, hey, I feel this when you did 447 00:33:25.680 --> 00:33:30.119 that it hurt me in this way, or when somebody's criticizing a behavior you 448 00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:34.279 did, being able to say I'm sorry, I didn't know that that was 449 00:33:34.319 --> 00:33:37.759 going to hurt you. Tell me more about what you're experiencing. I think 450 00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:44.559 that I this is my personal opinion that people who are afraid of intimacy, 451 00:33:44.960 --> 00:33:49.400 what goes hand in hand with that is low self esteem, a feeling I 452 00:33:49.440 --> 00:33:53.680 won't be loved, I won't be liked if I continue, if I tell 453 00:33:53.720 --> 00:34:00.039 them the real me in some way anyway I want you to know. But 454 00:34:00.079 --> 00:34:01.319 if you take the risk, it's well worth it. I love the place 455 00:34:01.359 --> 00:34:05.119 that I'm in right now. Look I can be intimate with thousands of people 456 00:34:05.160 --> 00:34:08.679 on the radio and it's all okay, all right. When we come back, 457 00:34:08.800 --> 00:34:12.159 I am going to go to social media and I am going to be 458 00:34:12.199 --> 00:34:16.440 answering some of your questions with my drive by Makeshift Relationship Advice. You are 459 00:34:16.480 --> 00:34:20.880 listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live 460 00:34:20.920 --> 00:34:25.800 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You 461 00:34:25.800 --> 00:34:30.480 can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm 462 00:34:30.519 --> 00:34:34.320 on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.