Previously on questo competits obviously a tree in front of a road to create some
sort of choke point. You still haven't told me if the guy sitting on
the downed tree is hot. I represent certain interests from the city of Albaret,
interests that do not always align with mayor veronins, so he is going
to miss spectacularly good buddy. Oh yeah, it's real sexy. We could
have just had a party and negotiated this, but no. Hey everybody,
I'm Judy Black. I play Gi the Nicole Manseil in this Quest for Competence
and my non French nechromatic life. I am a writer of mainly like D
and D type stuff. My latest module is a short and sweet little module
for new players to kind of ease you into the world of D and D.
It also is really good for kids, which is strange for me.
But you know, there we are, and I will soon have something out
for the Kickstarter for Bookworm if you backed that, so look forward to a
very punny library adventure coming your way very soon. Next howdy, I am
the one, the only, the ri car and I play the militant vegan
Druid Hilda Swington sometimes a little more violent than she needs to be when I
am not breaking my vow of pacifism. I write urban fantasy books, sometimes
with the one and only Rick Waltery. Our latest Deviant Dark Dryads, is
available wherever not so Fine books are sold. Hi. I'm Teresa Glover,
and in this game, I play Trin Karen, who is probably going to
end up with you in her down line at some point for one of the
various network marketing opportunities that she's involved in. In real life, I do
right the Caitlin Kelly Monster Hunter series with Falstaff Books, and I'm also an
editor with Falstaff Books and just a general pain in the ass can confirm.
Hey everyone, my name is Rick Qualtery and I play face Eater, who
I've seen a few comments referred to as the antibjorg Well. I would normally
want to talk to talk to you about my favorite subject, me. Instead,
I figured i'd mentioned that Authors and dryas Con is coming up really soon.
We're talking August eleven, thirteenth in Portland, Oregon. Go to Authors
and Dragons dot com to pick up tickets and be quick about it, because
the special rates we have for the hotel are expiring. Really soon, as
in the first week of July. So I'm thinking, after watch once you'll
see this podcast. You probably have a couple of days left, so get
to it. Why are you sitting here listening to me? We have a
great lineup. We have Matt Dinnam and we have Ammy Landon. We have
so many wonderful guests, including like you know, the normal assholes you could
see like you know, any year there, but they're still cool too,
So be sure to grab your tickets for authors in dragons Con. Yeah.
So, hey, y'all. I'm Misty Massey. I'm the author of the
Madchestral series of pirate fantasy adventures. I'm an editor for lord Seekers Press,
Falstaff Books, smoke A Memoirs Press, and you know who knows who's going
to ask me to edit for them next. It's it's just all a blur
um. Today I'm going to be playing the slick, seductive human thief rogue.
Sorry, and we're Crowe, who is, as far as I can
tell, probably his thiefishness, notwithstanding the one out of the party that you'd
probably want to invite home to dinner, which just messes with my head when
I try to think about it so I don't think about it, and I
wanted to mention to you that there are a couple days left. By the
time you hear this, they're going to be a couple of days left on
the Nevermore Kickstarter. What is Nevermore? Oh, it's this fabulous anthology featuring
a bunch of your favorite writers, some of whom are here right now,
and it's based on the stories of Edgar Allan Poe and you two can have
your very own copy. So go to Kickstarter search Nevermore give us a pledge.
There's still some great pledge levels available and we would love to get over
that funding that funding ledge so that we can make this book happen for you.
And just added today on the tiers that will get you a paperback or
a hardback or both. We have added shipping of physical rewards to our Canadian
friends because I figured out how much it will cost and how to add shipping.
So if you are in Canadia, you too can get yourself some Pope.
You can be a Poe boy from a Poe family. I'm John Hartness
and I am the founder of Falstaff Books and the author of multiple series,
including The Black Night Chronicles, Bubba the Monster Hunter and Quincy Harker Demon Hunter.
My latest release, womp Us Rumpus, releases tomorrow. If you're listening
to this as soon as it drops, so Thursday, June twenty ninth,
you will be able to have more Bubba in your kindle. And that was
about as clean as I could make that. And I'm also the the standard
bearer for this legion of lunatics. And when last we left our intrepid goobers,
they had just beaten up a bunch of girls, also killing a bunch
of bandits. But they had just beaten up a bunch of people, and
we're going to take a nap as one does. Yeah, yeah, million
people's exhausting. I mean real, I know about to think about cooking.
So as you have slept the night away somehow, trusting George the bailiff to
keep you safe, and it's and it worked. All woke up, nobody
died. Good job. I tried real hard, but I have a racial
bonus that prevented that. There you go, that's safe. Before going Before
going to bed, Moog was going to take two hours and perform a weapon
bond on his two main melee weapons. I'm not sure what that does.
But rock on well. If anybody asks, Moog shows you by throwing by
taking his axe, throwing it into woods and then holding out his hand as
it appears instantly in it. Nice, very nice cuts out a lot of
the issues people have when they're throwing away their main weapon, like dying,
dying the most normal issue. Yes, are there any strange and unusual fauna
that I too can study before I go off and sleep in my bloody rags?
You can roll me a either perception or nature, and I will let
you know Hilda Rules A twenty two. Yes, you find several different flowering
plants that are unfamiliar to you, so you can take some time and study
their uses. And you're not going to be since they're unfamiliar, you're not
gonna know right off whether or not they're edible or have use in medicines.
But they do seem to be of the same family as medicinal herbs that you
have seen in the past that you know are useful for making potions and things
of that nature. I will collect some for study and generally be a good
model druid and not anything else, because of course that's what I am.
A sweet, nature loving vegan hippie, right, be careful some of these
might give you a rash. Yes, if some of them might give you
a rash in places you really really don't want rashes. Did you just drew
explain me human? Yeah? No, no, maybe I don't know what.
I just remember that that leaves can give you rashes, and you were
touching leaves. I'm sorry. I'll go over here now and pat my horse.
A tasty smelling human. No, no, probably not right now,
because therapy therapy. I didn't beat anybody up. I smell fresh as a
damn daisy. So you really want the barely reformed cannibal. I mean,
we all did spend a night in jail, so unless you were dousing yourself
with oils like I did, you probably stink. I just stink better.
I'll go back to my herbs. They're less complicated than people, and try
not to think about dinner. Well, you do, scarf down some rations
and toddle off to bed. You take a long rest, you manage to
recover any lost hit points and any expended spell slots. Then in the morning,
as you wake up or leave your tiny huts or whatever, you however,
you rouse yourself except for that. Don't do that. There's a familiar
smell in the air and a sound of sizzling. Somebody's macon bacon. Wait,
somebody's cooking an animal product in front of me. George the bailiff,
we left bodies all around, might be them. It doesn't look like he
chopped any pieces off of the women you murdered, but you're probably not looking
that closely. But an animal was sacrificed for the nature of food, A
poor, helpless, innocent animal in front of me. Okay, so I'm
gonna grab like my little oil kit out and I'm gonna go over and just
start daubing her with like lavender and peppermint and shit to calm her down.
Is there an essential oil for reformed cannibal? Are there any birds or squirrels
in sight? Remember your breathing sure roll perception. I am just attending to
my two news zombies I raised in the night. Moog Rolls is sixteen.
Moog sees a bunch of birds sitting around. You don't see any squirrels,
But if I were a squirrel, I wouldn't be anywhere near you either.
Moogle should have a magic missile at one of the birds. All right,
someone is attacking the wildlife. Moog just killed a bird, walks and just
toss it in the like you know, in the frying pan. It's like
they're more breakfast and take a couple of stones. Put him on Rachel's shoulders.
Georgie picks the bird up out of the frying pan and just throws it
into the fire underneath the pan. Wasted bird. No, I think he's
cooking the bird. No, Moog, wasted bird. You know, this
is what I get one one night with the mayor's daughter and wife. And
this, this is what I have to deal with with the mayor's wife and
daughter different people. You have sex with with daughter corpse? She wasn't a
corpse when I slept with her. And yes, the daughter and the wife
are different people. That is at least the first reassuring thing I've seen or
heard this morning. Oh my god, I'm losing control of adjectives. I
must find my happy place. I must find my happy place. What do
I even roll to prevent having a nervous breakdown and killing everyone for eating animals?
You go hunt some squirrels, moo, find that very very relaxing.
No, are your leaves supposed to be good for you. Go eat your
leaves. I'm going to go and just enjoy some bacon and the show.
They're all the data. I'm sure we can find some Valerian root for you
to chew on and calm the fuck down. Potato first, to the cleric
potential rage and party killing later. There's still bodies around if you really want
to snack on them. Maybe that makes you feel better. Are any of
the bodies human the bodies we killed last night, No, I meant or
any of them human. All of them are human? Oh, all of
them are. And then I thought some might have been different race. So
there's there's freshly aged human corpses all around you. Good to eat or not
you when you're hungry? Therapy therapy. I'm I'm joining George by the fire
because he's making bacon and he's in trouble for having slept with the wrong people.
And I can completely get behind this. I can I can relate,
So I'm I'm joining George. It's a lot, are you in? Uh?
The the pub owner's son and I, you know, we were just
kind of partying, having a good old time, and the pub owner didn't
like it at all, and so he he had me arrested for stealing his
wife's jewels, as if she had any jewels worth stealing please or unless unless
it was you know, her son is her jewel. But you ripped off
Mortimer. Yeah, I'll get you. I didn't rip them off. I
was just partying with with his son. I mean, have you seen his
son. He's gorgeous. He's also an idiot. I wasn't whip him for
his mind. That makes him dead. Sometimes I guess that is better.
Yeah, the pretty ones usually aren't that bright. Exactly what about you,
frenchie? He certainly didn't come to semi and jail. What are you doing?
And what the what? What are those m zes mademoisellea Conci and Gary?
Does I meant to new assistance? From the looks of them, they're
not gonna need any bacon. I mean, they're not far from bacon from
themselves, presumably not. You know, it might be nice to give them
a little tweet, but they haven't done anything with you of tweets yet.
I don't even know if I want to know what got you arrested? Oh,
but how kay is it? But I do I want to know it's
very simple. I kid the man just to watch him die. Last one,
just the one it was, you know, it was very simple thing.
I don't know why everyone that's it. It's very simple. It's not
a complicated. Well, a long time ago, he needs some uh saoiche
bad sheet to my husband. And so I finally found humans and I was
like, oh ho ho, and well, you know, eventually people run
out of counter spells. Did he defile nature in any way or eat meat?
Um? I assume he was immediate. I don't know. He was
an elf, and I don't really know very much about him. It's a
shame. Probably it wasn't. But he deserved to die. No, Nah,
he was not that unfortunately, well he was when he died. He
Um, that sounds like fun. It was quite a lovely barbecue. But
the amount of trade. The police whatever you calls them, they did not
I heard about that. Don't barbecue. Well, they're not fatty enough.
And I did not want to cause a diplomatic incident, and so I just
went to jail others and deal with all of that. You burned down four
buildings and everyone inside. Well I did need to resupply on somebody's so Unfortunately
I would interrupt it before I could collect my skeletons. So the zombies walking
around those are they're under your control, and they are they will do exactly
as I say. I don't know if I find that reassuring or not.
I don't know why I tell you would think that Georgie make them dance.
I've never heard my name said in a way that terrifies me before. Okay,
okay, Mademoiselle, call she Gally. You two waltz Galli. You
are following Mademoiselle, can she her feet are still in tacules or not?
Off they go. So now you have bacon, you have potatoes, and
you have dancing zombies breakfast at a floor show? I mean, does a
person need yeah, yeah, beer with the nice you with oil? What's
your deal? Who? Who'd you swindle? I don't know what you're talking
about. I ended up in jail. Is it was a misunderstanding? I
mean I tried to explain to them, but they refuse to see my way.
So I'm assuming it's some kind of plot from the Illuminati that got me
there. I'm just too powerful and too dangerous, so they had to lock
me away. The Illuma who what the illuminati does that? Like the loose
people. Oh there's a whole cabal. I'll tell you about it later.
It's really not that interesting, all right, Yeah? Who think maybe maybe
preps you should stop inhaling on oils. Oh no, they're delightful. They're
good for you, like if you have a headache. See even our little
bloodthirsty drew it over there is calm down now, see move not care that
much? Moog? What did you do? I mean there was Moog mind
you going business trying to drown elven child, and horse trow guards appear and
descend upon Moog and beat him unconscious. Why were you trying to drown the
elf in the horse draw? Because he was elf child and drowning sounded incredibly
painful. Wait was there a specific reason this elf needed to be drowned?
Yes, and that was because he elf? Duh, but aren't you enolf?
At that? Moog gets up and gets in your face. Moog not
elf. Moog hates elves. Moo kills elves, Moo kills elve's family,
move, feeds the family to pigs, and then Moo kills the pigs.
Has Moose looked in a mirror lately, Moove knows how ugly Moog is.
Do not remind Moog, now you have a certain no, do you honestly?
So? What I'm hearing is you have low self esteem and thus should
be fairly easy to bang. Should I know, Moo, Moog have great
self esteem. Moog, just understand this, not Moog's face, Moog ugly
Moog. One day Moog will get back on face. Then Moog will go
back home and find one who put Moog in this face and will chop him
up into so many pieces by the same elves I was. I'm just raised
by elves. Moog part of eye Gouger tribe, son of Mighty Narl got
split Spiller. I think he might be a second cousin of mine. Oh,
Karen's only a halfling, so she's kind of jumping and trying to like
splash oil onto the back of Moog's head like it's some balance to kind of,
you know, get him to chill out. Stop making Moog wet ROMI
arranged attacks. See if see if you can get it, See you can
get anything on him. Moog knows what it is to die. Yeah,
Moo knows what it is to go before the great andrak and be denied being
drowned forever in the cauldron of blood. So Moog will make sure that his
revenge is painful. Did you get spell? That's that's unfortunate. Those are
never fun. No, those who are not fun I'm starting ticket. Did
you say the eye Gauger clan? I Gouger Clan. Mighty warriors wear skins
of many elves. You know that most of those are fake? Right?
No? Not very expensive? Oh no, no, no? You know
when you kill elf and then skin elf. Well, it sometimes takes many
elf elves to make a decent cloak. But well we're willing to make sacrifice.
Yeah, this is a hawkword? Is Moog growing a cloak right now?
No, Moo. Moog is shamed because Moog is so ugly. That's
why Moog leave home on quest for vengeance on upside. You know, Elvin
face ugly, but el brain much better. So Moog learns magic. Some
moogs revenge will be even more horrific. And who are you getting convene on
exactly? M bark soul Moller, cleric of tribe trying to suck up to
Moog's father, Great nural Gout Spiller move falls in battle, glorious battle.
But no, rather than let Moog have his like you know, have his
afterlife drowning in the cauldron of eternal blood, bark brings moved back. And
when Moog wick suck, Moog looks like this. Yes, disorientine, since
you're not guaranteed to be exactly what you are when you diidans and you have
a new body, and it's very explained. Yes, question to the necromancer,
are you still related if the person is reincarnated? This is very important
for my next therapy session. And well, I would say it depends on
the point that you view Alicia. So if you view a relation is purely
something based in blood and biology, then no. Technically speaking, there is
no biological connection in nilong Ya. But if you are viewing it as a
spilitual thing, which you know as the person has re unconnected with all of
their memois intact, I would say that yes, you're you're related. It
is the same person. And just in a defaulent, I will ask you
if you take a bottle of wine and you put it into a different bottle,
is it not wine? You hurt? Moose said, that's okay,
darling, I have something for that and where says, have some bacon,
come here, have some bacon, will make you feel better. Who pretends
it's health flash, You have some health flash. It's delicious. Yeah,
I'd be like, it's okay. You will get used to it in time.
But yes, we Avenge is lovely and you know, if you need
help, I would be happy to help you. I am on a question
Levin Jones. So you know ze mas Amelia in ze Wald of Vinge as
they say, because I will make Mademoiselle Conch and Gelli say it, and
therefore it is a day good. Then then you then you will be Mook's
friend and we will together we will kill many elves. Maybe people said aunt
elves, do you know think big? Okay with that, I'm definitely boom
wish I'll now. George just kind of looks around, looks over at at
Hell, then says I'm afraid to ask because of the for us. Don't
you talking to him? I thought you'd be the crazy one, but no,
Yeah, you know why I'm down there, don't you. I want
to hear you say it. I want to hear you tell the story.
I'm I'm the one who went right up to the Lord's gates, and I'm
the one that put the pamphlets there, not the pamphlets. What pamphlets.
Yeah, that was my thirty sixth public pamphlet spreading. I thought I had
the right permits this time, but uh, apparently not, because somebody changed
them at the last second. And I think I'm just being persecuted because there
was a slight misunderstanding about the item that was in my bag as I tried
to explain, there's a group that has made this exceptional being based long pork
alternative called Beyond Human that it might look like it like it can fool even
the diet in the wool carnivores, but it's actually based from plants. I
didn't actually have a human femur in my satchel. This time, I'm reformed.
You pamphlet litterers are the ones that give us people like bad names.
You know this despite the fact that old man old Man carrot Or lost his
leg at the hip. Yes, but that actually I'm telling for once,
I believe me. I am not one to shy even boast from Microme munch
on potato for a second. But this time it actually was pamphlets, which
is frankly embarrassing considering the company I'm keeping. And also I really need to
find my therapist very quickly because I just I'm having some issues here. Maybe
the old man should look under his bed when I lose things. That's where
I've I've eventually find them. If you don't, if you don't get me
killed, I'll tell him. I mean, believe me, if I was
going to cut off someone's femur, they would know I'm not subtle. I'm
reformed. That might be the only true thing any of you said this whole
time. No, I really did do the pamphlets. Nope, Move Move
very much hates elves, not fun dwarves either. I mean, you don't
think that that they reincarnated you as an elve because the elvestle a member of
Oh shit, this is some sort of karmic thing you're talking about A sentence
or just I need a just don't talk to me anymore. I'm going off
on my own because I cannot be around this horrible meat based product and watch
you eat the flesh and all those humans are starting to smell really tasty,
and I had very very You better not being if you need to borrow my
tiny hut. It is an enclosed space that you should not smell, a
vinissing in a little m doom that you can be an if you would like.
My dear Mook turns to Gigi. That one crazy and he'll know.
We'll go to tiny hut and try not to think about eating any dead humans
or the fact that that might be her second cousin that she had unclean thoughts
about. Yes, Pat, Pat move gone back. So what I'm getting
out of this as we got a couple of swindlers, a murderer and whatever
the fuck she is. I continue to be emaginated and how normal I am.
Yes, there is our love Lien, who is a Disneys woman and
a japan New l swend L. Look, that's not Every company has a
narrow top and there are more people at the bottom. That doesn't make it
a pyramid. It's the Illuminati after me, That's exactly what makes a pyramid.
You know what else? Have more more people at bottom cliff after you
throw victims off, that's is really too tu. You have to be careful
if you throw a spell cast off soo, because we have many ways do
not fall too I guess true. At least bring you with us. But
that that why look, you know after throw off cliff, push rock off,
what m not kill evil skull? Evil skull demon you see him?
Okay, thank you. Together we will cause Greek pain and suffering in this
world. I like that. I am. You know I have to wait
too, like it currently. I have to wait to get song En says
that I can free my husband from h terrible because and then I will also
go with him and great habit along the land. But you know, to
take a little time because I don't want to do a reincarnate spell because you
and I both know that does um you know, does some consequency sometimes,
but that's reincarnation. That's okay. I quite like being with Deifling now it's
nest. I get all fire is east End, which is great since I
love fire. It worked out in the long run rather demon than ugly elf.
You know. Yes, it's sometimes you don't hit the jack box,
so to speak. Sometimes the jack pott hit you. Well. As you
have been telling your stories, George has been finishing up the breakfast. All
right. One of you go feed the horses, one of you go wash
the dishes. I'm gonna go take a shit. Thank you for showing you're
welcome. Tick dishes. Throw them into like the intro forest. Go get
you're gonna want those tomorrow morning, dumbass, Moog up hands, I'll go
collect up the dishes. Not. If you don't bring back the dishes,
Moog won't. Moog will still have one hand, and one hand is all
Moog needs to kill tiny dwarf Moog. Think Moog still big Moog skinny health
Now moo shut Moog, play nice with man who blow Moog's arm off,
All right, after a few minutes of clean If there are enough meditation to
avoid killing the rest of the party, yes, probably not. I mean
there's not enough meditation to want to not want to kill most of the party,
but you could. We're gonna use does anybody have calm emotions? That's
a good spell. We're gonna use intimidation as a reverse stat So roll me
an intimidation check. But on you, it's going to be a mellow the
fuck out check. Alrighty, let's see, I love it. Hilda rolls
a twenty four. Well an inner piece. You have found so much inner
piece, even the smell of bacon no longer intrigues you. The smell of
corpses is not at all appealing. You just like your potatoes. You and
Sam wise, I must say this potato. I must focus on the potato
meditation. I will jot it down in my notebooks that it keeps me from
killing the fucking idiots I'm stuck with, and hopefully by repeating the meditation of
having a potato next time, it won't be as close a call before I
go savage and kill everyone. Thank you. Does that make it a meditator?
It is a meditator, not like bad puns and shut the fuck up,
or I'm going to tell your mother, George, don't care what moved
like. Alrighty as you all gather round, let's see you will After you
ride for a few hours, you find yourselves in the town of Marbursk.
Can I put up a few pamphlets or did they confiscate all of them in
jail? They confiscated all of them in jail, even the ones I had
hidden in my bra. They confiscated your bra kink. They gave your bra
back. But they've met you. This is the first time you've been arrested
for stupid crap. That's true, But I found out that they sold those
pamphlets in the only ORCS market and I'm not happy about that. Well,
we'll take that under advice. You could use a dagger and carve the information
in the in the light posts and such the walls of the pubs, and
you know, wherever we go. I'm a vegan, not a savage.
I mean, we don't have time for graffiti because we're supposed to be finding
somebody, aren't we. Yeah, so we have a thing to find,
says into these bush and didn't we get that. I'm very much attached to
my arm and I would like to keep it, even though this whole thing
is inconvenient, And I'm going to think of it as an opportunity to expand
and in better life for everybody that I come and gone. Yea, and
just think of the stories you could tell lat about the overcoming of this difficulty.
It would be beautifully exactly at Clare. You could also consider a plant
based diet. As you ride into Marburs, you notice that it seems to
be a fairly thriving village, with plenty of nice, well kept homes along
the main street. Sah very nicely appointed city hall, which is this blue
building up here on the left. Then as you move further into town,
next to city Hall is something that appears to be a magic shop. At
least there's a wand on the front door, and it is like emitting sparks
that aren't setting anything on five, So it's nothing like anything Gigi's ever done
in her life. Could be a kid's party store too. Across the street
from the magic shop is an inn. What am I supposed to be doing
here? You're looking for information about your quest right to talk to stupid city
people. Find rock so I can get away from stupid city people and perhaps
also convinced some of them the wonders of a plant based diet. That is
a little challenging because there don't seem to be any people on the street.
You know, most filthy city dwellers do tend to flaunt their crowds and citiness.
I think something might be what we call in the elf lands as pinky
Yeah, this jug what would you like to do? Let us go to
inn. If nobody at inn, then we assume town abandoned. We just
take everything. I like how you think? Well? The door too rolls
a twenty six perception. Is there anything that seems amiss other than nobody being
on a filthy, supposedly crowded city street. Yeah, tacked up on the
front door of city hall is a flyer. You can and as you approach
the inn you see that there is an identical flyer tacked up to the front
of the inn and it says closed for fen Dingling. I mean, I
am an expert on flyers. So that's some serious pamphlet work. And they
got permit, so there's clearly some high level organization afoot. Sure that works
too. What's a fen Dingling? I don't know that. I want to
see what fen dingling is. It sounds vaguely naughty, or maybe I do.
Wait a second, are you telling me you're a rogue and you don't
care about something naughty? Are you sure you haven't been replaced by some sort
of what did you call them? Water lizard men? No? I think
she said a luma twatty. Definitely not a lizard man. See not green?
So are you do you have a problem with people who are green?
Is that what you're saying? Human? Tasty? Human? Just you know
what, go talk to the cleric and get some more oil splats in your
face. Why don't you. We'll be over here, George, have you
got any more of the metotatoes for tomorrow's breakfast? Do you want to wait
till then? I think she needs wood. I don't give her ant's ass.
I'll just blow your arm often watch you die in the street. That
won't get your quest done. So give me the damn meditato mulled woods for
someone who's already fed. My quest is to either bring you back with the
gem or kill you all. Okay? Um, can I see like a
potato sized rock on the ground anywhere near me? Um? Perception? Okay,
let's see. Yes, there's a little pile of there's a little pot
you're rolled in eighteen, And there's a little pile of rocks right by the
wall of the inn right over here. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna go
see the same fen Dingoing pamphlet that they got approve before. There is the
same fen Dingling fendingling pamphlet on every door in town. Does it say where
the fen dingling is taking place? No? But there is a tea intersection
up here, and it does appear to be that there are more buildings and
businesses all right right up there and take a look. All right, any
roll perception, dust off the rock, potato and put some oil on it.
Moog, you definitely see a flyer on the two buildings that you're facing,
and we're fascinated by his fingernails. Well yeah, and we're is convinced
that there are no flyers anyway, a flyer I forgot. Yeah, and
remember what a flyer is? Do I need to roll perception again when I
get to the intersection, or you can tell me what buildings you want to
look at specifically, you can kind of look around which I want to Yeah,
I was kind of looking around. Yeah, he said that the first
two in front of us have flyers. Moos can Moog can see that?
Yes, okay, all right, trying Karen can tell that everything. All
the buildings that you're facing include and the one here on the corner you can
see the doors, but you can't really get a good look on at the
doors on this side of the street until you move closer to the buildings.
Am I all head this way? Before night? Hilda takes off, I'm
a tapper on the I guess hip, get her attention and hand her the
rock in both hands like cupped as an offering, I said, here,
this is the medotato that will help you get through this. Thank you,
you're welcome. I'm not paying you for this strange I didn't swindling to you.
Everybody gets this idea of swindling. I clare something to help calm you,
to help ease your meditation. The meditatok okay one is always free.
And then I will go down this way and look for trouble. As you
walk past the front door of the Magic Shop, you see that there's no
sign, no nothing tacked to the door of the Magic Shop. But the
sign over the door of the shop reads Fendinglis's Fantabulus Fandanglation Factory Home of the
fending Later. That sounds like a lot of fs. Oh mine, I
point towards it and go I think we found the fan dingulous. Get fan
dingled. Let's do it whatever it is. And I want to watch you
all go in and see what happens. Let us go see worst case we
can burn it down. I think that's Frenchie's job. You make a compelling
argument, But I was, you know, Mademoiselle Consci and Gilly and I
would wait at year and see what happens, I am dedicate, dismount and
walk in the door. Yeah, I'm hanging back. I'll follow the idiot
I might be related to, but hope I'm not. I am a delicate
lady. I do not go in places first on where are you going in?
Are you wandering around? Or uh? Well, I haven't decided.
I could go in, or I could sit backwards on my horse and make
a paper airplane out of a flyer. No, I'm going in. I'm
going in, Alrightylla, Who's who? This is? Jisi? This is
Georgie. It's on the green one. The G's are in up front.
Yo. So Gigi is not inside, Karen is not inside? She hung
back? And which one is drink? Karen? The green one? Green?
That one, the one with the green background, not the green skin.
All righty, the twin idiot brigade. We're in. Oh my god,
Georgie left us alone. Trink, Karen get in trouble. Wait wait,
all the pretty girls stayed out. Thought maybe I'm in the I did
imagine. He walks in and it's like, wait a minute, and the
women are coming. Hold up? Who am I chopped liver away to have
eaten chopped liver. But that's beside the point. You're you're gorgeous, but
you're a little dangerous, and you know. Forgive me. Just remember I
eat humans, I know, and I eat them well. George walks in
it. George keeps on going. Moog will follow, Hello, will follow,
trying not to look at Moog's ass. To welcome, Welcome, I
have to look up the name of this damn store every time, because I
may have written it. It has a lot of f's in it. It
does welcome to Findangelis's Fantabulus findanglasan factory home of the Finndangolator. I am Finndanglis.
What can I do for you today? Why? Town closed? Oh
yeah, that might have been me? So kill everyone? No, no,
no, Why I have killed no one? No one? So you're
weak. That's fine, we've established it. What did you do? I
have the Findangulator, and once, every once, every cycle of the moons,
I may activate the Findangulator, and something wondrous happens, and sometimes something
horrible happens. One time I caused a thunderstorm of gold and silver. Great,
right, sure, not if you're standing under it, or if it's
inside and it doesn't submercy him. We're the good guys. Actually, let
let perhaps skip part where we actually do something for you, since there seems
to be nothing in it from Moog. Do you know where gem is that
will bring dead girl back? I know where you will have to go to
find it? Okay, that's all. Well, Moog cares for great,
so let me guess we clean up some crap for you. You tell us
where the gem is. I'm glad that we've reached an understanding. I am.
I am so accustomed to tiresome negotiations with adventurers like yourself. This is
no no, I don't. The longer ideal with you, the more I
get hungry. And uh yeah, I'm using a discount meditato. So let's
just cut to the crap. Just tell us what you need to do.
How dangerous is it? And do we have to put some hazard pay in?
In addition to telling us where the stupid what's that gem called? George?
Hmm, give me a sack? Yeah, I know, it's tough
memories, not what it used to be. It's all full of spells.
That's the Gem of Foo March. Yeah, the Fucky Stone. Yeah,
that's so you know, where the gem of fool marches. Right, I
didn't I didn't say that, but you know where we have to go to
get to it, the next ungodly step, because humans can't do anything simply
that part. Yeah, pretty much. Okay, And you do you know
who I am? Right? You know my family? No? Yeah,
you know the elves, those special ones up on the hill, the Woodland
circle. Yeah yeah, yeah, my my adoptive parents are the heads of
that circle. So just just putting that out there before we say anything else.
You raised by filthy elves? Yeah, yes, I was raised by
filthy elves, but I've left them because they were cannibals and murderers and generally
bad. Let's not throw around absolute that is true, because you know,
I still have to go home for the solstice and major holidays and that whole
engagement thing that we're not going to talk about. Um. So, there
are a fair number of people of all species that completely deserved murdering. Oh,
yes, we're notting. Yes, we're at an agreement. There are
a lot of horrible meat eaters that deserve to die. I'm going to assume
for your sake that you're a vegetarian. Just agree with me because this will
make the whole negotiations go simpler. He reaches under the counter and pulls out
a carrot. He offers very good. He offers you a carrot. It
is not made of stone. I appreciate it. The handing of vegetables is
an ancient tradition among my people set, which set of your people? Because
I'm getting some conflicting vibes here and I'm adopted, we don't need to talk
about it. I have therapy for that. What we want to talk about
is what do we have to do right here, right now? Exactly?
No, no, tricky. I've just I've only had a potato and now
a carrot today. And you know, until I get some beans, I'm
going to be a bitch. He reaches under the counter and hand you a
small sack of beans. They're not going you, well, that will take
some time. You've handled dinner. Now tell me what we have to do,
because clearly you're offending. Your lady fuck up thing has done something.
There's a demon in the basement of the end that it. Yeah, that's
usually enough, okay, but that's a simple, workable problem. Demon in
basement of inn needs to be dealt with. Once demon is vanished, destroyed,
reasoned with sent on vacation, you will tell us the next step to
get our magic stone of fucked heart. Is it hot? Have a question?
Um? Yes, if demon is hot, you deal with it.
I'm not the best judge of the hotness of demons. We have an expert.
You will judge it. Okay, Now you'll have to make your own
determination about the bangability of the demons. I fully intend to do that.
An important question. Yes, you know we we could well? Who turns?
Who turns to like, you know, the whatever the fuck his name
is, and it's like turn around, perfect conversation. George turns around and
moo leans in and in and in no way is like is like whispering.
So Moke just curious why we go fight demon when could just torture information out
of out of human seem easier that way? You could cut off fingers,
cut off toes, mickeyat fingers, mickey toes. You can do all of
those things. Move if that's if that's how you approach a problem. But
I don't actually know where your next step on this quest is. I just
know who knows, and no one in town is opening the doors until the
demons are gone. Demons are gone. I know that the demon's not coming
back here. He and I may have made an agreement that um had something
to do with the disposition of less than stellar apprentice. And if anyone wants
to dispose of an errant on arrant Tibia too? And where is walking around
looking at stuff on the tables and in the everywhere, just like to do
to do reading the papers, looking at stuff on everything. Everything that you
see that is out looks like cheap bullshit. It looks like the kind of
stuff that your average farmer buys for his kid and says, here's a magic
thing, and it's a yoya ah. We have other questions? What what
else can I do for you, mister Momok, assume other is in town
or met at you for summoning demon. Yes, no, down full of
idiots. Well they understand bat Fen dangling comes with a certain level of risk.
And the taxes on that house full of gold and silver paved the roads,
putting new roofs on the inn and on city hall. So face it,
money. They're a bunch of greedy pricks, and they want my tax
they want my tax dollars, so they put up with it. You know,
last time it was rats, so I sent a group of adventurers in
to kill rats in the set in the basement of the inn. I don't
know what it is about basements. It always seems to be basements. Mooke
did not ask come, this is this town full of idiots. Let's go
kill demon because otherwise we'll be stuck here and probably turning to idiots too.
I mean, demon killing is generally quite fun, wouldn't you say? Not
as fun as elf killing. I've never killed it. Put pointy ear us
on it. Use your imagination, Moogie, which basement is the demon in?
The demon is in the basement of the inn, a little bit across
the street and back towards um the southern entrance of town. Gotcha. Thanks.
We're just going to consult with our demon subject matter expert, and we'll
let you know if we have any questions. Okay, let let move you
talking when we get outside, Move knows how to fix this. Oh I'm
so letting do the talking. I want to hear this out totally, gonna
let move do the talking. God, yes, rich alrighty, you head
outside and regroup with your friends. Might be too strong a word oh,
we should be trying the essential oil quest. M I think it will make
his decomp musician. Oh yeah, their treasure, their treasure down in the
basement of of inn, so you should go get it. There's actually a
demon we need to kill. Um person who knows demons, Lucas trying to
give me a gift of me. Yes, it is a gift of murder.
But or do we have anything that can kill demons? I mean presumably
z Claric would potentially be their most equipped that I mean type of demon.
It's not a relative of yours, is it? Because we've had way too
many relative revelations this morning? No, this is UM. Well again we're
back to the is it a spirital? Is it the blood? That is
relative? But no, I don't think I have any demon relatives, not
like physically demons, you know, like mentally actions they perhaps a butt them.
Yeah, well, speak of the greedy idiots in this town. Knows
where the rock of fucked hardness is. And if we kill the demon,
we can go torture them or talk to them, whichever one is more effective.
Um touches value effective. It usually gives faults in filmation, so it's
not usually with it. He just gives him. So I did, and
then and then there is They are aspells that you can bring the dead back
and force him to speak of tous when they are dead. It's much simpler,
if not messier. Good to know. We'll enjoy that logic anyway.
Yeah, so demon gotta kill next step in our stupid quest to get rid
of each other. Well, then let's go heading to the end. Yep,
heading to the inn. I'm gonna though, activate before we even go
down, because just in case demon negotiations turn bad. What do we mean,
as we wouldn't want when we head down the stairs, Moog will ready
in action to cast the spell. Okay um, the stairs into the basement.
There is an entrance on the side of the inn because the front door
is locked with a big sign that said closed for Offendingly the lock has never
stopped at no, no, it has a hide door. Wow, you
are really getting a log for calling me. Stop pumping I know who.
As you walk into the warehouse, let's have a little round of initiative.
Don't forget to click your token. Move gets a nineteen Kilda rules a frigging
three, I got seventeen George has an eighteen. Trin Karen is trying and
it's not responding. No, no, go figure there you go, there
we go, all right, Trin Karen, Karen gets a nineteen. Okay,
so move because you figured out how to do how to make yours work,
first you get to be ahead of Trin Karen intern order. That seems
fair, right, that's fair. Oh, that's totally fair. Yeah,
all right, for these like walls and stuff, it's an open area,
you're it kind of goes down into a sub basement. This this area looks
like a kind of place where maybe some illicit gaming goes on, maybe some
wagers. There's a bunch of crumpled up slips of paper under this table,
some notepads, they're playing cards left scattered around here, with some gaming tokens
there. And then it opens up here. This is a this is just
kind of open view into the warehouse area. And so it's a sub basement.
Okay, yeah, there's there are stairs over here. But before before
you find the demon, I'm fine with y'all just shortcutting. Okay, all
right, Well, first thing Moog is gonna do is movie is gonna cast
blur on himself. Very nice Moog is blurry okay, and I guess he'll
start heading in alrighty, go ahead and roll perception Loo rolls a thirteen.
If you hear something coming from maybe this area. You can't really you can't
see anything, but there are sounds coming from around this this pile of crowd.
Moog will uh won't say anything, but he will point in that direction.
All right, Trent Karen, before anybody gets too far away, I
am going to cast beacon of hope by saying the thing that, oh nice
elevates us all live, laugh, love, and there must be laughter before
there can be slaughter. So now everybody will have hope and vitality. All
the creatures within my ranges, which should be all of my party members,
and for the duration, each target has advantage on wisdom saving throws and death
saving throws, and regains the maximum number of hit points possible for healing,
but most importantly hope. And yes, yes, alrighty, that is your
action. Would you like to move? No? No, I'm a fragile
little being, so I'm going to hang back all right, um, George
will meander down to stand right behind mug. You're doing great there, lad
you uh you keep running right into danger. I'll be back here. Case
here, you know, stumble or try to escape, then I'll blow you
up. Gigi, am I am going to send Mademoiselle Colchi and Gilly joined
mugging Josie. Alrighty um, I don't cat stop. I'm looking to see
it. Nope, I don't have a token for skeleton yet. All right,
well next time. For now I have some, so I'll send them.
Yeah, lucky, Although these are reanimated from the yeah, you could
just reuse the tokens you use originally for them. Yeah, they aren't been
dead that long. Still fresh and edible, yeah, yeah, carefully aged.
You know, some steaks are aged up to thirty days. So I've
got like a chill touch that will make these just well. So, Moog
you can you have moved forward and you can hear the rattling, and Gigi
you have sent your fresh zombies down to investigate. So on we're what would
you like to do? Well? Since you ask um the in the earlier
picture, the rafters looked very solid. Are they open rafters? Above me?
They are open rafters, but they are very narrow and not very solid,
okay, or they don't appear to be solid. You can try it.
You can always try it. I would like to attempt climbing up and
walking on the rafters to see what I can do. You can actually just
walk straight out because you're at the upper level. So yeah, o me
acrobatics. I can do that. Don't say that the dice will hear you.
No, I mean I can roll. Okay, that's all I meant.
Okay, you can walk out there and get settled somewhere kind of safe.
Okay you will, Oh well, I'm any kind of I'm going for
more of a vantage point. I'm I'm not going for say, I am
actually trying to be helpful at this point. So yes, above, then
anything that's a combat action, you'll have to make another acrobatics check to stay
up. Okay, because anything that you do from up there equal and opposite
reaction, you know. Fine, Okay, Yeah, sorry, I'm gonna
I'm gonna make physics happen, Hilda, what would you like to do?
Actually getting up on the rafters sounds like a pretty good idea. Only I
have spider climb, So I'd just like to spider man up there and sneaky,
sneak, preferably so I am within range if any of the idiots get
hurt, all right, roll me. Are you sneaking or do you want
to roll stealth? Or you just kind of walking out there? Well,
I am using spider climb or would it be easier to just be a spider?
Can't answer that one for you, but you know, might be funnier
if spider druid. Spider does whatever aspired druid can. So I'm gonna wild
shape up there. All right, you're a spider. I think I can
say if we say I have seen a spider in being in prison. Oh
yeah, oh yeah, you probably have eaten a spider being in prison.
I would never do that because they are not planned based. I would let
them go. Yes, all righty, and so yeah, I'm hopping up
there and waiting for the idiots to get themselves killed. But I'm hiding as
a spider. Okay, Moog, we're back to you. Moog. If
you're talking, you're muted. My bad. I'm heading over in this direction.
Uh see if I can flush out whatever's there. All righty, I'm
gonna assume that you're banging on staff and making as much you're being as Moog
as you possibly can come out can kill you? All right, moog,
you see an ony pop out onto pop out into view. He did exactly
what you asked him to do. He came out, step backcast these boxes,
or you can take a shot, all right and move will step in
with the rest of his movement, and oh, let's see here to do.
I will cast booming blade. Okay, boomer okay, boomer all right,
booming blade, and then I will follow up with two shots from an
orphan splitter. Okay, what does booming blade do? All right? So
if I hit him, basically he takes thunder damage, and if he then
tries moving, he takes more thunder damage. Okay, and that looks like
a seventeen and a fifteen, Yes, all right, the seventeen we'll hit,
all right. So that's ten slashing damage and three thunder damage. Alright.
Now, if he tries moving, he will take a he will get
hit with additional thunder damage. I don't know that he's gonna feel like he
has to move, because well, here you are, Trn Karen, it
is yo turn, okay. So I'm going to find a good spot behind
these barrels down here, just to keep cover and I'm pretty short, so
I'm hoping that'll be relatively easy. It will be, but it's a lot
easier for you to find cover than to shoot from cover because you are so
short. That's true. That's okay. I'm not needed immediately, so I
will be the surprise quiver or arrow in the quiver. Let's say the one
that just you forget about for two years and then pops out. Yeah,
something like that, something like, all right, George is going to it's
going to take all of his stubby little dwarf legs to run up to behind
to beside you, moog. He can't get an attack in because well,
little guy don't run far, be taller, and that would lead us to
Gigi. M okay, our very own murder demon pretty much, okay,
when the my well mm hmm okay, I'm going to leave Galley and Mademoiselle
Conchi whereas they ah too, so it's their own problems out the table bullet
actually attacking things. That's fine, um, And I am going to oh
yeah, cast Ross bye at the NYE and so that he or she or
them will need to make an institution saving through c play. Alrighting the only
rolls a twenty one for a con save, we'll take one D six damage,
so that's five and also has disadvantage on next weapon attack roll. All
right, so he's cold and oh and a little stuff not in a fun
way. But now it's his turn, and there's a moog there is there's
a moog right in front of him. So he's going to take a swing
with his glave and he's going to do that twice. He'll have disadvantage on
both because Moog has blur. All right. The first one with disadvantage is
a nine, so that's gonna miss, and the second with disadvantage is an
eleven, and I assume that's also not going to hit you. Ye,
all right? Well, if swinging an air you, you're worse than the
You're worse than that idiot who summoned me. There's something magical about there's something
magical and wrong about you. What are you? And on we're it is
your turn? Okay. I am moving along the rafters to go closer to
my friends or the people i'm traveling with. I'm not going to go that
far. I had a lovely heart to heart over breakfast. We should all
be friends out. I think that lovely heart to heart over breakfast explains why
none of you ever have any friends. Hey, Moog and I are besties,
now, Okay, I don't need friends when I have a whole team.
I didn't eat anybody. I think that's close to friends. Yeah,
that is totally close to friends for Hilda. All right, with a fifteen
acrobatics, you are surefooted enough to move and still take your full action.
Okay, because you've done good. Yeah, Unfortunately I don't have any missile
weapons and I'm not quite ready to jump down yet. So I'm actually just
gonna hang out here for this round. All right. I'm good at so
I'm moved and now I'm I'm I'm gonna strike a pose though, all right.
Um, no one except maybe Hilda sees you. Daisy stop eating things
on my desk. But they're tasty. They're not though. It's plastic.
It's a plastic that's the tastiest they like. It's like little bones, Hilda,
what would you like to do in your little spidery self, spider juid,
spider druid who does whatever spider Druid can? I'm going to scuttle up
and get over here. Um, try to get a good vantage point.
Um, I could climb on on where that might be hilarious. Yeah,
on where might start jumping around might also be hilarious. Might Yeah, I
mean what is the room require a lot more deck checks. I think I'll
get a good vantage point on wed Oh. As as a spider druid,
okay, um, are you trying to not be detected as you scurry up?
Yeah? In general, as a very small, stealthy little spider,
you should roll stealth still I will. I think I should get advantage as
a little tiny spider. Yeah, okay, so you should roll that again.
I plan on it. Stealth is not something a druid normally roll badly
prefer fifteen alrighty, misty roll me perception. Yeah, And technically to say,
I'm gonna need you get a plus three to your stealth because you use
the decks of the spider, not your decks. That was technically an eighteen
stealth. I think it's all right. It's a hot spider. So because
because I was going to tell you that you were going to need to roll
the perception with disadvantage because of the same deal. But um, I think
we're good. I think your disadvantaged quite enough. I have no idea that
there is a druid spider, a spider druid climbing on me. Probably for
the best. We are, however, going to change your name to Peter.
Yes, I am now Peter Drew for this, Hilda Parker, Hilda
Parker. There you go. Well, I don't know my original name because
my dad was a druid. No sorry, my dad was a bard,
my bio dad, so it could be oh as long as he was in
a half elf because we've done that campaign right. All right, Moog,
we circle back around to you and you have that right in front of you,
and it's other than Moog anyway, take it back. It's about a
five. I say, I totally lives type. He has not skipped leg
day at all. He needs a good manny petty. Anyone want to roll
to seduce the one instead of fighting? Pretty sure Mooke does not, So
Moog, you go first. I can get him some nail wraps booming lead
again. All right, let's see here, two shots with with orphan splitter
chrip. So that'll be thirteen thirteen slashing damage plus five thunder damage. And
since we're just kind of getting going here, Moog's going to activate his action
surge, all right, which gives him an additional two attack. Yeah,
yep, eleven nineteen. The eleven does exactly what you expected to doing.
Alrighty, he looks really annoyed. Moo, say if you wish to if
you wish to scream, Moog is okay with that? Oh? There will
be screaming. There will Moose screaming. Move quite aware of this, drink,
Karen, What would you like to do? Um? I think it
would be best? Well, okay, from where I'm standing, Can I
see a place with better coverage that i'd bab be able to take a shot
from. You can't really tell what's good cover until you're there. Um.
Okay, do you think you think that you could maybe hide behind this end
of a row of boxes over here and pop out and shoot and hide and
duck back. Okay, So I will go ahead and get a little bit
closer, but staying as hidden as I can in this general area. All
right? Um? Do I notice anything in particular about this big bad dude
that we're staring at? Um? What's your character class? You're a cleric?
Yes? All right? Um? Roll me knowledge nature, knowledge,
nature, Okay, because a D and done is not like a Asian mythology
one. You don't know shit, Okay, yeah, that's nothing. Yeah,
no, you know it's ugly and it has a big f and axe
on a stick, so I can see that it needs a many petty and
I'm seriously considering what nail wraps I have on me that would work best for
them. Okay, well, while you're considering that, George the Bailiff will
take a shot with his warahamma, all right, George will hit with a
nineteen George will hit with a nineteen four. Two. Good jo George,
Hey, every bit of damage is damage. Good good, good job,
dwarf. You you may have broken tone out. Shut up. I'm not
here to fight that much, obvious. You know you're right. I'm just
here to keep you idiots alive if possible, and keep your behaving. If
no, it's not even gonna be a possible. Screw this, you fight
George box totally. He had totally takes an app attack. Oh it's Zi
the the only being a giant h just swish it right over his head.
Missus completely, Gigi. Yes, I have specially put out the ruler to
figure this one. Out all right, to take my full movement to go
of a yeah, and I give a little e n m um, you
remind me of my husband. So this pends me like a little bit,
but it will pain you more probably so, and I will cast agonizing scorcher.
So it's a line of fire thirty feet long and five feet wide.
Okay, h shoulder, I moved to not let anybody else on fire.
Look at that? Um yeah, okay, okay, you will need to
make a dexterity saving I mean that is indicat of growth. What's your spell
DC fifteen? All right? He does. He fails his saving throw with
a twelve. Oh yeah, all right nineteen fire damage. I'll cheese.
That does not feel good. And then I will have my zombie friends move
to stand in front of me and be a meat shield. All right.
You now how you're now hiding behind zombies? M that's what they're there for.
Yeah, alrighty and on were Yes, I am I am moving.
Sorry, I was looking at what was in my backpack, but I am
moving across the rafts again. So um, I want to get I want
to get stop that you unmoved. I forgot my shoulder. I go where
you cuts right, Okay, I'm moving across the rafters. So let's see
if I actually do that before I say what else I'm doing? Oh yeah,
I do it, and I do a cart wheel on the way.
Um, and you to shake off the spire? No, no, no,
the spire. You really want to do a cart wheel? Do you
really want to do it? Okay? Otherwise, because somebody else was about
to have to roll athletics, yep, I'll keep that in mind though for
next time. No, um no, I move over here. And then
once I'm over here, I am going to jump down with my rapier and
try to slash at the the on below me. Oh shit, blow me.
I feel like we're gonna need a couple of rolls here. Feel like
we're gonna need I feel like we're gonna need acrobatics to stick the landing,
to stick the landing, Okay, let's see and on an attack roll well,
okay, I roll a nine for my acrobatics. Go ahead and roll
the attack okay, because you're gonna end up on your ass. And then,
um, Hilda, get ready to roll acrobatics yourself. Oh I was
prepared. I rolled sixteen with my rapier. You do manage to hit the
one you as you are. You leap down, You slash across his rippling
chest with your rapier and slip in the blood that Moog has spilled and on
the toenail that George knocked off, and bust your ever loving ass. Now,
my ass does not deserve to be busted. It's so fine. Oh
well, your ass takes one point of falling damage. Okay, but by
god, that little spider Druid has rolled a Gnat twenty on her acrobatics.
Goddamn it, I have mastered my a legged cartwheeled dancy form. And so
did you want to stay on did you want to stay on on weir?
Or did you want to leap off on weir on the way? With a
twenty? Can can I end up landing on someone else? Are you a
venomous spider? Maybe you could land on the oney and bite him. I
was wondering that, um, with a twenty, you can land on anybody
you damn well want to, But you have to describe it and make it
sound cool. Okay, Well, obviously I have embraced my inner spider,
Druid, and like the little tiny uh you know, Druid, stacy that
I am. I shoot out my webs and go pete pew, and then
I swing and go way and fly beautifully and get tempted to land on move,
but instead land on the one so that I can study it better,
like land on its back. Okay, you can't attack it's do I need
to shut my turn? I just I have landed beautifully with the little pu
pu, and I'm pretty sure that some background music started and the whole thing
turned really colorful. No no, no, no, no, no,
no, yeah exactly. Uh well, you are next up in initiatives.
Wait wait, wait, do I need to roll damage? Did I do
any damage? Yes? Um? And it rolled with your um? You
rolled? You did ten? I did? Oh? Okay, coolness,
yeah it actually no, you did twenty two? Oh even because he's engaged
with your yes, all right, he's looking rough. Y'all are dismantling this
on um But Hilda, it is your turn and you are writing an I'm
writing. Do I know anything about one's as a druid? Um lord?
Now she's going to decide we need to nature might decide it's delicious. Yeah,
you know that they are inherently evil and they are giants they are inherently
magical and cast and have innate spell casting, so you know that they're kind
of badass. So they're they're evil, bad wrong things. I mean,
they are natural creatures, so wrong might be stretching it, but they are
inherently evil and do want to murder well right now, they want to murder
you. He wants to murder you and your friends. Okay, because you're
kind of like mook. Because he can see you, he wants to kill
you. Well, he can't see me. I'm on his back. Yeah,
okay, so he wants to kill everybody, wants to kill everybody else.
All right, let me just see if I can do this. Can
you wild shape from one animal into another according to the rules or according to
the movie, and what looks cool, according to what looks cool? Because
wouldn't it be really awesome him if a spider turned into like a bear on
his back and went rare cocaine bear action spider to spider monkey. Basically,
frankly, that's cool enough. Um, I'll but he put you better.
Already know what a bear attacks look like? It goes raboo hug. I'm
on its back. I'm going straight into the slammy, dammy ding dong bite
hug. Okay, so what attacks does a bear have? A bear I
do believe has swiped white bite? Am I correct in that? Or do
they also have a bear hug in D and D. I am basically looking
at you because you seem to have this knowledge. All right, you are
a brown bear. You have two attacks, one bite and one claw.
That sounds amazing, and I'm coming from behind. That also sounds bad out
of context, but I think all one's like it from behind. I'm guessing
that's strength, Yes, a roll strength and at six. Um, my
first attack is a twelve, all right, that most it's just saving throw
bad. I'm sorry. My actual strength attack is a seventeen plus six,
so three, okay, that's gonna go ahead and roll your second attack.
No, no, no, I was so happy I actually turned from a
spider into a bear. The second one was just me going ra all right,
well you have done some damage and now he knows you're there. Well,
I'm now a bear. I'm a little more obvious, but at least
should get a what the fuck moment from an ony, because not everyone has
a random bare attack. Francisco, he was summoned by a magic user.
He's pretty used to shape shifters. He's also innately magical. But it was
fun. It was cool, definitely cool. How much damage do I roll?
By the way, for a bear bite, I just took it straight
out of the monster manual. You did nine? Oh? Okay? Yeah?
Uh. As we moved back to the top of initiative, you see
that the one looks better than it did just a few seconds before. Fuck
a duck. Well okay, but that's usually you frustrated it and annoys the
duck. But whatever, um moog, you have a healing one in front
of you. Well, okay, well let's put a stop to that.
Another booming blade. Yeah, I guess that's probably Good's that is that a
can trip? Yeah, that's a really good can trip. Oh great,
get some get some bad as ship all right, and here comes the attacks
with orphan splitter A nineteen and A nineteen. Those will both hit, all
right, So then we do it grand total of twenty seven slashing and one
thunder damage. So it's huge slash, huge slash eat betty fart noise.
This poor guy is having a very bad day, but he ain't dead.
If you're ready to start screaming now. Movie is happy to listen. He's
kind of wobbling, he's kind of bob and he doesn't look like he can
make words anymore. Trin Karen, it is your terran. Okay, let
me see if I can do this, because I want to make sure that
I'm in range. Yes, okay, So I'm going to cast spiritual weapon
in the form of a mace, all right, and of course I'm going
to aim it at the one ham a Tom. Yes, did it didn't?
Didn't? I'm all about that mace, all right? That's better?
Is that twenty year role? Yes, that's your attack role? All right?
Yes? Um, A magical mace appears out of thin air, smashes
down on the one's head, and explodes it like a grape, splattering brains
all over, fur all over face, eaters, all over everything, and
welcome, And a couple of seconds after that, everything just all the remains
just kind of fade away into dust. Damnage. I wanted that remaining on
my fertile lick. Nope, poop. Now you have ash on your fur
now, and it probably tastes like ony ass, but you live your best
life. You lick whatever. You want to lick with consume No, I
could more brush that later into a pile for reagents, because that sounds like
it might be useful. Mooch's still waiting for screaming. Nothing left to scream.
It's dead. Sorry, move Well that's for your moosa, not the
same claw. All right, do y'all have anything else you would like to
do? Change back into my cast work. I mean we downstairs and we
downstairs in the in anything to steal, collect rice, flour, u,
casks of beers, no line. Oh yeah, I mean you are downstairs
in and end. Yes, you can steal anything that they would normally serve
in an end. Salted meat, Um, there's nothing serve meat, but
would spoil. There are vegetables, there are a lot of rice and potatoes.
Grab a bag of meat. Yeah, I'm going to fill up my
pocket with some meat and then put a cask of wine up under my arm.
Okay, I'm gonna grab my ash. I will collect it and I
might also grab some potatoes. That's the case. Yes, meditator, somebody
needs to somebody. We need meditator art we do, Yes, that needs
to I need a meditator. Stressful, I wonder if you combine the ash
ashy ash roast a potato, if it would have magical properties. Yeah,
all right. Well, as y'all are cleaning up and cleaning out parts of
the inn, that is a That is all we've got for this episode of
Quest for Competence. Join us next week while our hapless idiots try to find
out where they must go next on in their quest for the Gem of Food.
Mark. I'm pretty sure the Jema fucked hard. But just because the
game is over doesn't mean we are through. We are running a little along,
so we're going to keep it short on questions tonight. Rick, you've
been scouring the discord, so why don't you take it away? But well,
our friend he is are actually our friend. Queen Crush asks, is
there any chance for art for these new characters. There's a chance. There's
there's always as a chance. Love us enough and we can make it happen.
Right, Yeah, there's already art of g I don't get I don't
need new ones character. Yeah, that's definitely a conversation we'll want to be
having with the inimitable John Luther Davis. And you know where you can have
conversations with John Luther Davis. You can have those conversations in Portland August eleven
through thirteenth at Authors and Dragons con Or you could stalk him, but that's
not legal. Go to Portland. Better idea Portland would be better. Portland
is more legal than stalking. All right, all right, our friends,
Zack of all Trades asks, what is a stupid piece of advice you've been
given that somehow works? I have a good one. Well, then you
get to start. I guess the best piece of bad advice I ever got
was the dare to suck meeting concept, which I saw on a documentary with
Aerosmith that with my friend was there like, you should totally do this.
It's the greatest idea ever and so sort of as a dare I took it
up. So every time I'm writing a book, I or and rickonnose it
because I did it. With one point two is that I always take my
worst ideas once every month or so and I put them all together, and
I've actually gotten some great stuff. I got a whole book series with John
from that, because that was the what if a person summoned a demon with
food poisoning? And now you can get that with as the accidental summonar with
Falstaff books. So yeah, dare to suck meetings, I think are my
best bad advice. All right, I'll go with take a deep breath,
because it's very annoying, whether you're having a panic attack or having a baby,
it's very annoying for people to tell you to take a deep breath.
But damn it, it works. Yeah, that's pretty accurate. Ye.
Back when I was a stupid kid, I saw somebody else do a trick
where they took a can of hairspray and they pulled the top off, they
sprayed into her hand. They lit it on fire and like you know,
it held up the burning thing for a bit and then closed her hand to
like you know, to snuff it out. And way back in the way
back in those days, I was like, I was like, that's cool.
I have to try that, And yes, it actually does. It
actually does work. It coach your hand. As long as you do it
quickly, quickly enough, you can you can do that, mind you,
I don't recommend trying that at home. It was definitely stupid advice. That
only that only like you know, young, young, and infinitely more stupid
than I am today. Rick would probably try Yes, we are required as
the podcast right now to savingly do not try this at home or anyone else's
home, or in public or anywhere you can do the same thing with rubbing
alcohol. Nothing that Rick or I did in the eighties or nineties should be
repeated by anyone. I know. I will not be repeating the trick at
a future and decon for free. I'm pretty sure hotel don't like it start
doing that. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure I've used them
my luck for that one for the entire of course of my lifetime. And
next time it happens, just just be like me running around screaming on fire,
You'll say, and there's a number anybody else. I don't have anything
great, honestly, I'm I've been given was just shitty advice. Yeah.
The worst one that never really worked for me was always you know, when
you're nervous, picture people in their underwear, because then I'm horrified and nervous,
yeahs and nauseous. Yeah I understood that one either, Teresa. No,
you know I'm not doing that right now to all of you. I
mean, I mean, you can We're not going to kink Chan knock yourself
out, girl. Point we are we are in a waste up world.
We're like shoulder up. Now, man, you're like chin I'd say I'm
chin up, like I have my chair up as high as it'll go,
but like I'm like sitting install as I can't. I need to get a
booster seat. There's a reason that Judy doesn't play haflings supposed to be fantasy,
because she is a hafling would be very easy to cause play though yeah
I haven't. I haven't noticed you having very particularly big feet, just saying
no I won on the big feet things like seriously, I could go to
hop it's only fans and make a killing. Nah, I'm so grateful that
children participate in horrible beauty pageants because I can get high heels. Now,
somebody just has to randomly walk up with Judy and just be like it's like
Bill Beckons, do not confuse me for some cheap con. Yes, on
that note, Misty monitoring the Book of Faces, haven't you? I was
um and we have to do we have any good yeah? Yeah? From
the Let's hit two from the Facy book and then okay, okay, well
um. The first one that caught my attention was from our beloved Mark,
you know the one, and he says, do you have a backup character
ready for this game? And if so, can we please get a preview?
Well? Hell, Mark, you think I'm gonna die that quick?
I am in the party. So I do not have a backup character.
No, I don't have a backup character. But I mean Trent Karen is
in several MLMs, so she just basically promote somebody from her down line.
Of course she would, she would. That's perfect. I know who I
would have to play, and I think I could just give you one word,
we'll sum it up. Yeah, it would be the return of Hannah
Barbarian if if anything happened to Hilda. Yeah. Yeah. Feeling time I
purposely made a backup character was a call of cthula campaign where you kind of
need one. Yeah, fiber Pump too, That's another one where it's like,
just always have a backup. I had a friend years ago that would
that had a whole notebook full of backup characters. He just he made them
for fun because he was he was this the way he played, he just
didn't care if he if his character died and so he had dozens ready.
I was never like that, though. I can appreciate that because I have
friends I played with and they take it personally when their character dies, like,
you know, like that is like an insult to their very life.
I'm kind of like with your friend, I'm like, Okay, it's a
character. It's dead. I'll just roll up a new one, literally invent
them every day. It's kind of the whole job. Yep. Oh,
I have so many characters that it would be difficult to actually pick, but
I think I'd probably go with the Chuck Tingle esque cleric of knowledge that I
have that didn't get to last very long. That's horrifying. Mm hmm,
yeah, yeah, she horrified the libraries of Candle Keep with the books that
she donated. Oh hear lord, does she pound it in the butt by
a spiritual weapon. No, she wasn't nearly that pedestrian with her poundings.
You know. I had a character similar to that once where he had the
State. Well no, no, no, I had this thing called the
Great Book of Infinite Knowledge, And throughout the entire campaign, whenever, like
something, some question come up, I would just make up some stupid fact,
you know, to the point where I think I drove like the d
M half nuts there you go, yeah, yeah, gosh. I'd either
be the chuck tingle cleric or Grandma whisk who is a retired barbarian who is
now becoming a wizard, so a multi class half wizard, half barbarian.
And it's just a teeny tiny, little wizened old lady. Oh, let
me just get over. Don't want to run a one shot with y'all where
everybody just plays barbarians. I love that hilarious and then put and then put
you in situations where you have to do puzzles. I do dragon. I
do have a barbarian character from way back. Her name's Tea bat Killer,
and she was She was your standard barbarian, but she got mad because the
guy that had the million characters he accidentally um nearly killed her at one point,
and he was a wear bat and so he bit her and she was
terrified that she was going to turn into a bat, and so she kept
trying to kill him after that. So that was a lot of fun,
so I could play her. Let's do one question from the Facebook. Last
one, um, Michael Bridgeland wants to know he says, we've seen Rachel
cardboard cut out and stand in thigh master at authors and dry an. What
will we see to replace the vacuumus space left by Rick's absence this year?
I mean there was before cardboard Rick at the last one, which was probably
the most horrifying thing I've ever seen. How do you think I feeled after
everything that happened to Rachel cardboard? How do you think John felted like you
know, Rachel cardboard right behind him? Me, I walked by that whole
situation. I saw the cardboard behind John leedon say it smart? Smart?
Sure didn't. I just figured googly eyes on the back of Bevan's head,
and when we needed Rick to do something, we'd have Bevin talk back.
I figured, just for the game, we'd have Bevin and just nothing changed,
just to talk out of his ass. So is that where the googly
eyes on him? His ass? We're fine. If he turned around and
just ripped off a shirt and he had a backwards build a vampire shirt on,
that would be hilarious. That that would be amazing. We could do
a cardboard of Misty and have missed Misty. I was hoping that we that
I was sliding under the radar. No no, no, no no no
no. As the as the victim of the Rachel Cardboard assault, uway that
I didn't put it behind you? That was not me. I would like
it known I had money to do with whatever. Rachel Cardboard is a total
diva and I am I have no control. Well, if you want to
know what kind of cardboard antics will be happening in Portland, get over to
Authors and Dragons dot com. Buy your ticket and book your hotel room because
the prices go up in a very in just a few days. So until
then, see us next week on side quest and back in two weeks to
see what kind of reward these folks are going to get for killing a demon
and raiding the larder. Authors and Dragons brought to under Creative Commons license,
meaning you were free to share this material so long as credit is given to
those who created, which is us. People you just heard to play became
opening and closing themes performed by the Gore Core for I'm all about that, Nace