Previously on Quests for competence after getting a brand new outlook on the quest that
they had been given from the Mayor, and we upgraded our George to a
Georgie. Do you see a man standing in front of a wagon? Merchant
human tell us, tell us why we should listen to you and not kill
you? And have which woman bring you back his walking corpse. Whole bunch
of people just came out of the woods. A couple of them look like
fighters and one looks like a spellcaster. And where it's going to carefully loot
the bodies before Luke decides to burn them or something. Hi, everybody,
I am the one, the only, the r e car and when I'm
in this game, I am the one, the only, the incredibly angry
plant based druid Hilda Swington. Outside of the game, I write urban fantasy,
science fiction and maybe even some lit RPG if y'all are lucky. Speaking
of which, my newest The Final Girl ha ha ha, should be coming
out very soon as part of the Shingles series. Hey everybody, I'm Mk
Gibson. Sorry, pardon me. I've been here the whole time. No
reason to go back and watch the old episodes. I was always there,
just my microphone was always on. I will be playing Georgina the Bailiff fantastic.
I'm an author of certain such books as the shadow Master series and the
Technomancer series, and I'm glad to be here. Hi, everybody. My
name is Teresa Glover and in this game, I play Trin Karen Mine Dangler.
Go back and into the other episodes where I introduce myself when I have
a voice. Hey, everyone, my name is Rick Gualtieri, and I
play the most violent elf on the shelf, moog Faceacher. In real life,
I write several things. You've heard me through the intro multiple times.
But I've finally come to the dark side and I am working on my very
first lit RPG, which I will be releasing in the coming weeks on Royal
Road, so keep an eye on it there. I don't have any weird
user name. I'm just Rick GUALTIERI go figure that weird enough. Hey,
y'all, I'm Misty Massey. I'm the author of the Madchestral series of pirate
fantasy adventures, and I am also the author of a number of short stories
and a number of anthologies. So if you go to my page Misty Massey
dot com. You can find where where I've my short fiction is hiding,
so go look for it. Hey there, I am John G. Hartness
and I am the captain of this motleyest of Cruise. In real life,
I write multiple series, including The Black Night Chronicles, Quincy Harker, Demon
Hunter, and Bubba the Monster Hunter. And I'm happy to announce that my
most recent novel release, Identity Theft, will be produced in audiobook by the
fine folks at Sound Booth Theater. So yay audio. When last we left
our intrepid adventurers, nothing happened, really no, they went to sleep,
then nothing at all happened. It was all a dream. It will never
be spoken when they wake up the next morning. Are they all looking at
each other like they've got a shared secret that I'm not in on? I
think they are always doing that. I feel like that's just par for the
course. And there's like a ten pound cat on the back of my chair
so I can barely sit up now. Moo had pleasant dream of drowning elf
babies. Hilda would stare pointedly at Georgina it never happened, and then walk
on by Georgina is brushing her teeth. She hasn't She looks like hmmm,
still trying to get the taste of ink out of her mouth. Drink.
Karen looks at Georgina and looks just very confused, very confused, because I'm
pretty sure that was George when I went to sleep. It happens. We
don't judge. I'm not judging. I'm just confused. Moo will nudge the
half face or can be like ink? Is that Dwarf word for come?
If so, it's it's black and it's spoiled. Thank you. I'm kind
of really glad I had too much to drink. We have mounts, right,
We have nice, sane horses that I can talk to and ignore all
these people and keep my eyes away from the mailiff. Oh crap, moogs
here too. Why didn't I just have a normal dream about a path and
never mind, I'm going off my own separate way. The man in the
vo the man in the sky said, you don't remember this yet, We're
all clearly remembering this. So what happened? Do not make me call lightning
this early in the day, because Gods help me, I will first pub
we find I am buying everybody a lot of drinks, and you're gonna tell
me what it is that you don't remember. It never happened, because I
gotta know. So somebody left not just one, but three butts? Should
should we wake up? No, never mind, there's zombies in buckets.
That's not the least we're thing. I'm just gonna put them all in a
cart and we can move on because nothing happened. Is Gigi in the bucket
too? Gigi and Ma'moselle Crunchy and whatever the hell the other gallery They are
all another universe. Look how she fits. She's so tiny, she fits
right inside the bucket. No matter how you shake them, no matter what
kind of noise you make, they cannot be roused from their deep slumber.
Ma'moiselle crunch is her feet keep moving like a dog when it's dreaming about running.
I don't want to know what. Chuck them all in the wagon and
be done with it. Yeah, sure, okay, I have faith in
your ability to manage that. It may take a couple of tries, but
most of them are dead already. Would would any big, strong orc sold
elf want to help me load the cart? Not that I'm trying to see
you sweat or anything. Mook, throw demon lady in cart, no problem,
all right? Like that she that she running in her sleep. Moog
imagines that she is chasing elf children to set them on fire. That that
was the zombie mook. You can't tell the difference between the tie fling and
the never mind. I think that's very wholesome dream you you recounted. I
don't think that dreams out of the realm of possibility. So as you load
up into a cart with your horses, the road has diverged. There's a
fork in the road, and if you choose, you can go along the
right fork off into someplace that no one has any idea what it is.
The sign pointing off to the to the right has been broken off, but
the post pointing nor earth says rag of fuel. Is there a whole set
of silverware or is it just forks? It's just a fork. It's not
even a whole set. Is it a whole set of forks or just a
fork? Just a weak move does not eat forks? Move eats with hands.
I'm surrounded by idiots. Well you're the you're the idiot driving the cart.
So which way would you like to go? So we were told definitely
where to go, right to this ragahaven. It's clear, and we have
direction and a clear sense of purpose. Correct, Yes, which which path
is less traveled? We have to go down that one? So agent of
chaos, agent of order? How am I feeling today? Let's go to
the city because I need to add people to my down line. Sales are
dropping in this which one is going to make? The claric talk more?
That's the way we should go. Let us put zombie on ground and spin
zombie and whatever direction zombie faces, that is direction we go works for me.
Let's do that. What do you plane? Spin the bucket? Good
break, dancing zombie? All right? I would like, why don't we
make the scientific and just roll a die? Yeah, rick, roll a
d anything with an even number and choose odd or even. All right,
odds is right, evens is left? That makes no sense, odds left?
Alright. I was hoping for a day full of chaos. No,
you just said he said Evans would have left, did I? Yes,
sure didn't because he did it backwards. Yep. What makes you think Moog
knows is right from his left? I'll just start heading down the right,
all right, don't forget to put the zombie back in the cart. Have
we will throw it back in. You travel along the road for several miles.
It's getting on in the into the late morning, and as you come
to another fork in the road, you see a rushing river ahead of you
that has washed out the bridge leading forward. But there is a left hand
fork. Okay, Universe, you win this time. I'm not left handed,
I am though. Okay, rushing river good. There's no elf babies
to drown Moog, So we're gonna Rivers always make Moog sad. Mind's Moog
of his youth? No, no, no, no, no, no,
let's we What is exacting about a rushing river reminds you of your youth?
Well? When when when Moog was child, Moog had best friend Dug.
Moog and Duke do everything together. We kill or elf warriors, we
gouge out the eyes of elf elders, we stomp on elf babies. Everything.
So one day on river, Moog and Dug are fishing in boat.
Very pleasant day, but then fish come Amazing enough, Dude gets pulled over
by giant fish. And when Duke comes up, Duke has ring in hand
and do and Moog said but doog, that is wonderful ring give to Moog
because because it is Moog's birthday and you can probably guess what happened from there.
I bet I can't. Did you go forth and take the night fish
to slap a bunch of elves with it? No dukes? Dukes say here,
Mook, it is your ring. Then later at night, Moog crushed
his head with rock because Moog realized that it was trick. It was just
a luminum ring meant to trick Moog and give Moog cheap birthday gift. Moo,
I'm not like cheapskates, I did ask. I'm gonna Georgiana is gonna
like go over to It's gonna pull the druid aside for a second and said,
I know, I feel like I'm a newish to your group, but
I'm fairly certain that Drewids have access to spells that can bring somebody back on
a new body. Have you tried that with him? So he's not as
crazy? Why on earth would I want to change that amazing ass? It
could be I find that statistically unlikely. Let's move on, all right,
You'll get used to to how she thinks about his ass, like I said,
I've listened to the episode. I'm just making sure Move doesn't use his
Oh shit, I just mentioned it out loud. It doesn't get any less
disturbing for having listened to or participated in the episodes. There, Gibby.
After a few more hours of travel, it's mid afternoon, and and my
cat has opinions. It is mid after Oh my god, that's heaven.
That's jumping from the back of my chair onto my shoulder to jump up onto
the window sill next to my desk. That's really all you're four is is
feeding and launching pads. So this is accurate, all right, as you
I steal myself with the use of the meditato to deal with civilization. It
has been how many days since I've last killed anyone? At least a one.
But day's still young. We'll forgot what happens, all right. Hold
that thought. I gotta bring all you idiots onto the right map. I
hear the opinions of Gandolf. Yeah you know, ah, you're already there.
Okay, good look, we cannot move our at least I cannot move
myself. I can move myself. I cannot move self. Did you switch
us again? Nope. I cannot move Moog either this time, and I
appear to not be on the map. A dwarf might just be under rock
we're under or that's already happened. We don't speak of it anymore. Octo
vagina, it happens. It's actually a cloaca. Let's at least be accurate
if we're going to be disgusting. Nothing of the fan art reminds Moug of
game we used to play where we would all dip our junk into like you
know, boiling hot tar and then play tea bag the dwarf. You wait,
is that an option? Tea bag? That's all right, I'll keep
that in mind. Is that is this a game you played with Duke before
you crushed his head? Of course? Okay? Have I ever told you
about the ghost elf children? I keep around with me at all times?
A right? You should have control of your tokens. Now can run away.
Hilda is stunged by these revelations. Georgia camparamulate. After a few hours
hours you come to a small stream, a quiet stream that looks nothing like
anything in Moog's memories, or it is not a rushing river, and there
are is no jewelry glinting in the bottom of it. But there is a
small footbridge. Oh, this reminds me of the massacre of west End.
That was a very good mask, I mean barbecue. What will we say
a pair of guards? We may be used in the term a little loosely.
Basically they look like the dumb fourth son of a potato farmer who just
happens to be good at probably nothing. So they put him in mismatched armor
and set him over the bridge with a spear maybe maybe more like a long
stick that somebody whittled a bit of a point into. Doesn't he ain't real
intimidating, Let's put it that way. Halt, he says as y'all approached.
Who goes there? Just a couple of perfectly innocent travelers looking to pass
on through and find our way to a city. Uh. I don't know
if you notice this when you was walking up, but they ain't a whole
lot of through. We're kind of in a box canyon here. Uh so
you might have done screwed the pooch air lady, Lady, you mean box
box cannon. So if any box canyon, so if anything happens, there
would be no escape. That's why we got guards like me. What's the
name of this township? Sir? Hey Doug, are you what's the name
of your township? This rag of fuel? All right? This is rag
muffin? What are there? We made it to the city, Poland this
this is the Do you have a pub? Not not so much as you'd
really called it a pub most of the time. Most of the time we
just go all over off behind us, missing Gilla Cutty's cottage, and drink
over in a corner up off to the right. But I ain't there now.
My daddy says I can't drink while I'm on duty. I said duty,
Why don't you just go have a drink? Then? This is where
we were sent. So this let us fine? Gem you got any you
got any special magic rocks? Is she okay? I've a long time.
I don't know nothing about no magical rocks. That'd be something you'd have to
ask ask the mayor about. Very tired. But where is the mayor?
Well, i'd expect he's in his house. It's a big one right straight
up to road here. Before y'all come across the bridge, I got I
got to ask you to questions okay, ask the question. Hey y'all,
what y'all doing up in here? Talking to you? To talk to the
mad I need to talk to the mayor. Oh all right, you got
some appointment. Yes, it's a very secret mission. And yes we have
an appointment. Okay, we'll go on in and he takes up, takes
a little step off to the side. Doug, Doug, you back on
up and left. These nice people through his partner, are cart here?
I mean, yeah, you can't bring it across the footbridge. That's why
it's called a footbridge, right, because you got yes for feats. Put
my foot somewhere. Who wants to stay and guard the bucket? Oh,
I'll keep an eye on your cart. You got any booze up in there?
No? Nope, yes we do. You see people with bucket on
heads? No, rip off, rip off finger and suck on it.
Don't do that. It'll give you indigestion. Very nice. I've been told
that there is a certain decorum to how a town guard is supposed to act.
How'm I doing? You're doing, jess A. Actually you are surprisingly
alive. You're doing a good job, all righty Doug and the other guard,
Dug and if you get that literary reference, you're way too caught up
on Brandon Sanderson books. I was expecting Darryl and his other brother Darryl.
That's where I went to. I'm old and so Dug and Dug have stepped
back to allow you free passage into the house. What you see before you
is as a small village. There is there's about half a dozen little cottages
with with thatched roofs. Ahead to the right there is a small cottage with
smoke coming from the chimney. There's another one, almost identical in size.
Further along between those two houses on your right is a slightly more ornate building
which has a porch with two old haflings sitting on the porch playing checkers.
Directly in front of you is an opulent home. Next to it is a
very utilitarian building with a six pointed star on the door. And off to
the left you see a large round building with Georgina rollmy a Romia religion check.
Oh sorry, how's like, who the hell's Georgina? That's me?
One second, that's used. I lay outside of the Georgie. Now religion,
you say, one second? Please, I hit the buttons. Fifteen
alrighty. With a fifteen, you recognize it. You recognize the symbol above
the door as the holy symbol of Demon, which is a good deity of
mountains and wind. What would you like to do? Turn to the guards
and say thank you for letting us in. Be sure to hug your families
while you still can, because it's important to remember togetherness. Come on,
Moog. First, Doug looks very confused and nods. Second, Dug looks
at Moog and looks at Hilda and just drops his shield and runs right away
in what direction we're watching our cart pat to the left. Off to the
left behind the large round building. I'm gonna give the remaining drug a quick
once over from a medicine check, just to make sure that this is They're
just stupid and they're not diseased, so sure, go ahead and get that
role. Okay. With a twenty three, you are convinced that they're just
morons. It's a fairly remote village and there may not be much genetic variety.
Yeah, I'm mostly enjoying the distinct lack of civilization, so I may
not have to purify this entire place in the name of nature. Let us
go demand audience with Mayor, I will point out to the rest of the
group about the temple of Deman demand let them worship their false gods one day,
Andrek will drown them all than a cauldron of blood. Yes, I
mean that's very nice. Moove, let's move on. I'm gonna splash mood
with some essential oils again. I think you might need some concentrate to help
that. Alrighty, as you there's a cow there is? Is that a
cower bowl? Well, there's only one way to it's obvious. Yeah,
look at the horns. I mean all bulls have at least one, That
is true. As you move forward into the town, you see that next
to the slightly larger building round building in front of you, there's a small
plot of what looks like an herb garden, and an elderly haffling woman is
tending that. Are they some pretty sweet herbage? Roll me in nature.
I was distracted by moves ass and only rolled to nine. Was it moves
ass or were you uncling more livestock? She's a mighty mighty haffling woman.
She was very large there for a moment with a nine, you can't quite
tell if anything it has has any off market purposes. Let's say, as
I said, I was studying other things more intently. I don't need to
know that. I really really don't want to know that. Move think this
is nice garden? Did you say this one wasn't the round hut? Was
the cleric? Are the temple or the wind below it? Okay? Yep?
This one? I guar off to the left there. Well, they're
checking things out. I'm gonna go just poke my head around there and see
what I see. Okay, old gnome, ma'am, do you go inside
or do you just look around outside just seeing? You know, I'm listening
to see if I hear anything weird or wonky or you know, an poke
my head. I don't be too rude yet. So there's a there's the
sound of merry whistling coming from inside. Okay, I might pop my head
and then while they while they're playing around outside with a vegetation, I might
pop my head and just to see what's going on. Okay, there's an
elderly male gnome sweeping well, and how are you today? Wow? You're
a You're a healthy lady, aren't you. And I don't mean that like
some people do when they say fat, I mean like you are. You
are a pleasant little pop down here. Yeah, I got a pleasant part,
and I'm quite proud of it. No, it's you. You need
potatoes in your life and lots more of them. Who needs eat some food
and put some meat on you trutefully. But I you know, I saw
your symbol outside and I thought I bought my head in from one faith to
another. Well, welcome, and who do you worship? We've never established
that in the Lord. So let's just say the storm, the embodiments of
the storms. Oh, yes, yes, the great Goddess Hazel. Let
me write that down, please, Yes, followers of Hazel are always welcome
in the House of Demon. Is it because of the dancing? I've heard
that they're excellent dancers. There's a joke that went over my head. So
I he also didn't hear you because he and Georgie are in a building,
So I don't know. I don't know who you were talking to. But
let's bounce back to the Let's bounce back to the crew outdoors who have just
encountered a little old ship. Would I say, hafling, hafling? All
right, this is this nice garden? Would make nicer cemetery. Well,
hell, yes, corpses are a lovely fertilizer. You should see what they
do to the tomatoes. But I I'm retired. I don't do that anymore.
I only raise and sell herbs. Retire from tomatoes, Yeah, I
removed. I retired from making the the best tomato fertilizer in the land.
I'm sorry, sweaty, what did you say? What were you going to
ask? Let me sort of what sort of herbs are you growing, my
dear lady. Oh, the normal, A little parsley, a little a
regane time. I've got a little sprig of garlic floating around somewhere. I've
got I have a little mint, I have a little of the a little
of the special. We behind the house, but we don't tell the sheriff
about that, are you missus mcgilla cutty? Yes, Oh, Dougie told
you how to find me, didn't He hated that of you. I don't
believe that at all. I don't think he knows enough words to speak highly
of anything. But it's okay because if well, I mean all things being
relative, oh entirely, too many things were relatives. That's how doug ended
up like that. But it happens. It happened, Doug. Dougs happen
from time to time. Now it has been some it has been some number
of well years since that, since a group of powerful adventure trews wandered through
our peaceful village. And I certainly hope that your arrival doesn't Harold be the
end of the piece. For some reason, she's looking right at Moog when
she says that who else we're harmless? Mostly Moog is a teddy bear already,
fool you shut up? Well, I am Mook is kind of like
your dougs. Uh, okay, if you treat him like your dogs,
it'll be fine. Well, I don't really need to treat anyone any unless
you want to buy some herbs or maybe a few potions. I'm gonna kind
of talking about minor cat scratch heeling. If this damn furballed jumping on me,
there's something. There's a moth or something fluttering around in my office.
And Gandolf is the mightiest of hunters, aren't you, buddy, big old
fat fluffy dork. Hey, he is protecting you. Be appreciative. Yeah,
that's what he's up to. No, I've never said familiars. Yes,
yes, I just have a little potion shop, just sitting out here
in my happy retirement, like everyone else in town. Except so everyone here
is a retired tomato farming specialist. Is that what you're suggesting? Not everyone,
but there are. Let's just say that people are more than they seem
to be on the surface, and that whole has never held more true than
here in Ragafuel. I mean skin people, you see all sorts of things.
I cannot argue that's a that's a metaphor. No, that's accurate.
I've done it. He's right. And if you and if you grind the
skin, if you dry it and then grind it into flakes, it makes
a lovely addition to a revivify potion or a seasoning. But we'll leave that
be okay. Yes, I have heard of some folks that may or may
not have used some of the same herbs that I grow here for the purposes
of sea using more than potatoes. But but of course we're all on a
plant based diet now right, Oh god, no, there have certainly been
years that I could not acquire meat, but now that I can, honey,
I think you should pull out your medotato stroke your medotato, be nice
moo moog like short short murder woman. I like you too, big idiot,
So to some of that special, that special herb that you have that
makes everyone calm and happy and cheerful and want oreos that don't exist in this
world, but we still want them. Oh okay, well come just come
with me, and she opens the door. Sweet cakes, steps inside.
There's not going to be another map. How many of you would like to
follow her inside? I will okay, she moog? Will we are outside?
Since he assumes that this is a trap in the like in the Short
Murder Woman, will just kill them all of guard moog. Yeah, there's
gonna guard him from you. This is a good time to hop back over
to the church, Gibby, what's going on in the chapel? I was
introducing myself as I guy High. I am George Zina, obviously the father
follower of hiszel and you are, sir, Oh yes, yes, yes,
I am father's in a pro father, but a pleasure to meet you.
This your establishment here, this is this little box canyon settlement is very
unique. Now, if I can ask you, why would the powers be
send us here looking for a magic rock in a very out of the way
place. Well, if you had a magical rock that you didn't want people
to know the location of, would you put it on in the middle of
your desk like a big numbsk. But I would probably put it in some
place rather secure. So unless well with respect, with respects that this seems
a little bit of a well after Dug and Dug, it doesn't look well
regarded unless that's just a front for more powerful magic set we're not seeing.
I would never in my life tell you that we were one of the most
secure towns in in the realm. I would never tell you something like that.
Could you handry some scripture because I'm gonna read between the lines a little
bit so I can really feel much you're putting down. So look, lassie,
we're all retired. We're all retired warriors and adventurers. Except for the
Dugs. They're brothers and their parents may have been siblings. Oh yeah,
oh yes, I think one of them is the other one's uncle and maybe
am. But I don't ask questions. I just want the dog, I
understand. Yeah, But but no, no one here is what they look
like except for the dogs. They really are like that, but what kind
of magical rock in particular are you looking for? This is the pot or
Georgina way give the tremendous backstory that characters would know. They give me a
fucking idiot and not know, so it would be very detailed, very clergy
to clergy in a very imploring way, because I don't fucking remember, and
I don't want to waste people's time making sure that. Well do you think
we remember? Oh no, I'm giving you all the benefit of the doubt
for this one. I mean I played with a couple of you. I'm
like, oh fuck, yeah, no, I'm buying in. I'm pretending
you did it very nice. And that is the end of our story.
Well, to find the Gem of food Mark, you must first speak to
the mayor. I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to pass pass along the
location of the temple because it is in fact hidden in the temple outside of
Rag of Fuel. I know they told you to come to Rag of Fuel.
That's part of the whole agreement we have with people who stash important magical
things in our in the area. They can store things here. They give
us a lot of money to protect them, and you have to go through
the mayor and an interview process before you're allowed to quest continue. I'm glad
Moove's not here the way you phrase they have to go through the mayor because
he might try that. How about we have to talk through the mayor,
and that's how I will present it to the group. So well, that's
certainly going to go better for you, right, alright, alright, you
definitely would You definitely will be happier with your with your afternoon if you curb
your friends, bloodthirstier impulses again, live your best life. I'm not going
to yuck anyone's yum, but but I've seen what the mayor can do.
You don't want to in a weird way. I kind of do now if
I can just do you have popcorn? Do you have chain I do,
actually, because it's going to take literally days of scrubbing to get the viscera
out of your chain mail if the mayor, if your conversation with the mayor
goes sideways, how to phrase this in such a way? All right?
But what would you meet the mayor do? What is his or her name
or their name? Do they have a preferred title? And would they be
receptive to our party? Inquiring so directly. Well, sure, it's Mayor
Kyle. I know, not the most original name, but dougs or,
it's a beautiful name. My name is Joe Genge. That's fair. Yes,
Mayor Kyle. He lives in the nice big house. He'll he's hard
to miss. I expect that he'll be coming out to visit shortly, all
right, And should we wait just wait for him in the in the in
the open field area, or should we you know, go to that.
He said he's coming out, so we just wait outside for him. Then,
well you could knock. You're obviously very polite, but I don't.
I don't want to be. I don't be rude to the man. You've
got, you know, several knock. It'll be fine inside check, Okay.
I just don't see if he's just suck fuck with me, setting me
up for failure. So Natural twenty twenty six. This is the most sincere
little dude you've ever met. He means every word that has come out of
his mouth, especially the ones where he said the mayor will rip you to
shreds if you screw with him. Well, fuck with moog Moog will be
that's the funny bit. So all right, I remember the concept of splash
damage, young young lady. You kind of pinned out to remember what I
mean the splash. Of course, rage may splash upon you. But is
there anything else I can do for you today? I've been very thankful.
Do you require any money for your church? Or are you obscenely wealthy and
from all the storage fees that you collect? Well, I wouldn't call it
obscene, but I do. Okay, you are welcome to make a donation
to our Lord Dumont demon, but Hazel may be offended if you if you
donate to if you tithe to another deity. So it's all fine. Thank
you very much for your time, sir. Well, you have a lovely
day, young lady, and Georgina will eggs of the church and see who's
standing around in the field. Uh Moog has remembered something, so he's not
entering the hut, but he will call in. He's like murder woman.
You're not happened to be to run at Goddess of tyrant lizards? Sweetie?
Do I look like a God's damned lizard to you? I mean, move,
not look like orc. That's because you're not an orc. You dumbass.
Well, mook is orc murder. Okay, that's fine, that's fine.
You can be an orc all you want too, honey, But I
am not I am not a goddess, and I am not anything. I
have nothing to do with lizards. That shame Hill does, getting slightly jealous
at their instant connection. Okay, as you are inside the shop, she
turns her attention back to you. Trin Karen, Yes, roll me perception.
Oh Jesus, Okay, let's see you have advantage on this check.
By the way, Wow, well then you won't need the other roll no
drink Karen rolled at a twenty one's gonna get you there. You notice that
while the left hand wall of the front room of her hut is full of
herbs and jars of dried powder and the kind of stuff you would expe back
from an herbalist, the right hand wall has a dazzling display of essential oils
in some of the most ornate bottles you've ever seen. Oh, this woman
must be so far up the chain. There may be so much that you
can learn from her. I must learn. Just I'm gonna step over and
take's elbow because she looks faint, va very excited. You're new to the
You're new to the teams, aren't you. How many people do you have
in your down line? Oh? Honey, okay, She reaches into she
reaches into one of the cabinet's hands. You a very small bag of dried
herbs. On We're and makes a shooing motion. You go, you go
on, pretty boy, You go smoke it up wherever you like, except
not in front of the sheriff. I don't I don't know why we have
a sheriff. There are twenty five people in the damn town. But anyway,
but your your little friend here and I we're gonna have to have I'm
gonna do some I'm gonna do some tutoring, some mentorship. Oh yes,
what do I owe you? Oh no, no, honey, it'll be
fine. I'm gonna be able to I'm gonna be able to contact the the
global director of sales after this conversation, and I may be able to shift
your friend and her entire downline into my tree, so then she can sit
under my tree of knowledge as she's as as she allows her her her forest
of revenue to blossom. Yes, so you just go on and run along,
and I thought I was supposed to have all the tree puns. So
I have my book and I have some questions that I've written down. She
opens the back She opens the door into the back half of the hut,
which is a cozy little living area with a few comfortable chairs settled around a
table. Come back here into my my home office, darling. You just
come on in and have a seat. I'll brew us some tea excellence,
so isn't a bucket? And and trim Karen is getting some mail's training.
The rest of you are now out outside. We're just gonna sounds like we
should knock on Marador. We're just gonna say that, let's just move a
few people around. I like how Misty's like in the dark. Now it's
just like this mood lighted thing going on. My lamp just went off for
no reason, and I'm freaking out. It's not a battle. WHOA,
My husband fixed it. My husband fixed it. In other words, we
plugged it back in. Huh, all right, Moog, would you like
to go knock on the door of the large ornate hout home. Yes,
okay. A strong looking human man male in his middle years, opens the
door and says looks, looks at all of your says alrighty, then uh
they're about another one. Boy boy Harry, get out here from the jail
out walks a bug bear. What is it call adventurers? I don't know
what. Oh God, damn it, Gandolf, do not walk on the
keyboard. I'm not sure which set of cats is harder to heard him or
y'all. H give it to yeah tonight, Gandalf. I don't know what
they're here for yet, but get ready in case you have to murder everybody.
Now it's a party. So what can I do you for? Hmm,
very very simple? All right, mean moog, I come from Mayor
Mayor send us to get rock from you because his stupid daughter is dead and
he wrought rock for some reason, probably to a smash her skull. Not
sure, but please give us rock the gem of food mark. Oh okay,
all right, she's not dead, right, No, she probably cursed
or some such and you need the gem to break the curse and blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah, true loves kiss glass coffins. Whatever. Yes,
yeah, we just wanted to get paid. Now that is a sentiment
I can get behind, young lady. I prove this message, but we
do have a small interview process first. Okay, are any of you pledged
to any of the darker deities, you know, gods of murder, gods
of assassination. We'll let gods of that thievery that can. I mean,
look, ownership is fleeting, possession is the law. But we don't like.
We don't like murderers, we don't like assassins. We would prefer we
don't mind necromancers, just don't raise dead bodies within the town limits. We
left our necromancer across the bridge. It's a very good place for necromancers.
Not here now. Again, if she, if she, if they behave
themselves, I don't have a problem. But if they start wandering off into
the graveyard and digging up an ethel, well well that's just not good for
anybody, is it. Oh, don't worry. We stoved a bucket on
her head. Questioned, Yes, you meant you mentioned dark gods dos Andirek
defiler of the even dead count No, okay, defiling dead and honestly,
and also I'm not I'm not sure that's a real god. I thought that
was just a god. I thought he was just a guy who liked to
bang our corpses. But but whatever, maybe he ascend. It's been a
while, I don't get I don't get out much could be he ascended since
I was last running around the countryside. Well, yes, Moog will be
drown for all the eternity in his cauldron of boiling blood. M sound sound
familiar? Yes, No, anyway, this is what you want. You
know that that is a father and a pro problem. That is not a
major problem I don't deal with. All I needed to know was that you're
not here to destroy the town and you don't plan to use the gem of
food Mark to unleash countless horrors upon the world. Right, wait, that
is option. No, it's not an option, mood. Don't that depends
mister Moog? Do you want to step off of my porch under your own
power? Or do you want to fly off of my porch? Don't give
him a good time, Jim, give us power to fly as well.
Wow, and here and here move thought Jim was just to to to use
on deadmare daughter. She's not dead, woke Luke it was he's using a
metaphor. Mood. Don't know. Oh no, we're not up to explaining
metaphors. Yet I'm going to kick the living shit out of him. But
it but no, I understand where we are now. So you need to
fine, you need to go to the temple right today. Yes, yes,
it seems to be the general consensus. Okay, talked. Yes,
as you can see, there's no temple in this town right as far as
we can deterve it. That's because it's up the mountain. If you'll notice,
there's a little trail that leads between my house and the church. That
is a tiny trail. It happened to be a temple to Tarantic, goddess
of tyrant lizards. Funny you should ask that, mister Move. That's very
good. And now he's mister Rogers. Yes, is he wearing a cardigan
over his mayorial garb. It's chain mail, but yeah, it's it's a
Cardian. It's a chain mail Carl Cardigan. Okay, Red, Yeah,
yes, mister Move, that is, in fact a temple of the thunder
lizards. A move interested in seeing that? Alrighty well, y'all can just
head a right on up to the head, right on up to the temple
if you like, or you could do some shopping. You can always you
could always us the local economy. Funny enough, that's exactly what I was
going to suggest. You see, we don't charge for our services too adventurers.
But you know what donation to the town coffers. Here a taxable purchase
in the general store. There you see how it goes, right? Yeah,
of course? Are you a likable person? Can you buy stuff for
us? Is that men potatoes? Yes? I wasn't who you were referring
to as likable. I was like the thief I'm standing next to moog.
Yeah, and uh, I'm not sure which one of you is less likable?
So so where is the general store? Oh? Yeah, you walked
right past. It was the second building on your left, on your right
as you came into town. Okayto kay, gotcha. They have mostly shopping.
They have most everything you need, and you can You can go shopping
now or when you come back. You know, might be better to wait
until you come back because while yeah, that's a cattail right in front of
the camera. I've been watching these hairs drift down the entire time. Yep,
yes, that is Look at my butt. He's right now. He's
so annoyed. He wants all the attention, but he doesn't want to be
picked up. But anyway, you know, it's probably a better idea if
you come visit us at the general store after you clear out any guardians that
may exist in the temple. What kind of guardians, full fat would ruin
the fun I mean, goddess of tyrant lizards seems pretty obvious to Moog,
so I actually, for once, I agree it's probably so this interview processes
to see if we're worthy to go up to attempt to take the food mark.
But you have a a citadela church full of issues? Is that are
you sending? Are you fucking with us a little bit? All right?
But I expect that, all right. I mean, look, I've been
out of the game a while. It's been a minute since I had any
real challenge, and I wouldn't. I don't think i'd have one with this
pile either. But there's some stuff up in the temple that ought to be
ought to be fun for you guys, fun enriching, and all right,
I have of whatever we enrich ourselves with, I don't know. I haven't
gone in there to clean it out. Follow up question, what are our
odds and how do we bet on ourselves? Yes, actually that's a pretty
good question. That would be sheriff dammit cat, get off the notes.
Can't remember the sheriff's name with your sheriff Cato exactly? Well, it is
Sheriff Harry, it's it's a back seat's sheriff Whiskers whisker mittens. What's that?
So? Yes? Oh yeah, that Wagers are Sheriff Harry's department.
But the standard without knowing you, well, the standard policy for adventuring troops
is three to one against. Okay, okay, Mook will up pull Hilda
aside and be like, moo excited. We should go get demon lady and
tell her that's that Jem not only raised dead daughter, but can unleash unspeakable
horrors upon the world. Poor Hilda, Moog said, moving excited, and
she got all twitter painted. She didn't hear anything past that. Very good.
I'm sorry. What is the role to keep from having your brain shut
down hearing the words Moog excited? For you? For you? That's a
DC forty DCT okay with disadvantage. Yeah, the rules a twenty two bring
idiot thinking about Moog bonner yep, okay, So Trin. Karen is getting
at is getting on onboarded and learning to onboard others. I'm leveling up.
Yes, yes you are. She read your final form. Hilda is drooling
a little. The three of you are capable, are capable of rational thought.
What would you like to do? Gold to Tempa? Put all our
gold on ourselves with a sheriff and we'll make it back with the three to
one odds. Actually that that sounds like a pretty good because otherwise we're dead.
So who catres? I just want to go to the general store and
buy a pipe. All right, Okay, how much gold do y'all have?
Based off this very generic character sheet? Ten gold's? What level are
y'all? Seven? Seven seven little seven? Yeah? Your figure five hundred
gold apiece? Yeah, I gouage your klan. Not bet with gold.
We only bet with limbs. Sometimes our own sheriff, Harry, overheard that,
Uh, I'm not paying out and I'm not paying out in limbs.
I'll wag your gold. I can occasionally find a use for souls. Y'all's
all seem pretty tainted, so that's probably off the table. And uh,
gems gems are good, but otherwise no, no, limbs, tree or
otherwise. That's good because we wouldn't want to hurt a tree in front of
me. Sure whatever, lady, this is the buffest damn bugberry you've ever
seen. He's wearing. He's he's vainly dressed, just a tunic pants,
no no armor, no nothing threatening, just a little badge of office hanging
around his neck. Not even any shoes. But to get behind that.
But holy crap, is this dude jacked? He looks like swoll ass bugbear.
You do notice, you do notice that there's a ring on his left
hand, and yeah, it definitely looks like this guy has not ever skipped
like day. It not looked like cheap aluminum ring. Do it, man,
it comes full circles, cheap scow. Would you like to wait your
roughly roughly three thousand gold on yourselves to survive? And if so, who's
picking Gigi's pocket? She's got a bucket on her head. We have a
thief. How about we do two thousand gold so everybody keeps a little bit
behind, and an extra gold so that she can get a pipe for herself
too before we go off. Thank you welcome. It's hard to get stoned
without you know a delivery system and suddenly it's like Georgie cares about us.
We can do it. Am I not a care. But if this is
Georgie, I'm full of love and I want money, and I have a
gambling addiction. So missus mcgilla cutty remembers her days in college and she has
gifted Trin Karen with a pipe to take to you. That is just the
nicest little old haffling lady. I just love her. Three edibles and a
water bong and you describe the rest of my night. If your dwarf likes
to gamble, should come to I Gouger Clan and play round of chop poker.
I'm telling you should happen. You should moog, You should meet my,
my, my ghostly elf children that I keep them, I keep them
around. You would love them, become cleric some moo can exercise them.
So you bet two thousand gold at three to one mm that you will survive,
Yes, Sheriff Harry M. I, like most people, not so
brave, but your logic sound. If you die this way, nobody has
to go in there to take your money. I've got it, and if
you live, probably have enough cool shit that somebody will want to buy it.
Yeah, nah, I'm here for it, any pockets. He walks
into the jail, which is this. We got a receipt for that,
you know, gambling building here. That's the sheriff's office in jail. You
hear some banging around. He comes back out, hands your receipt a betting
slip bam valid valid for thirty moon turn thirty valid for thirty nights or one
full moon turn. If you're not back by then you're not coming back.
That's very stable, all right, Okay, what would y'all like to What
would y'all like to do that? It's late in the day, there's training
to be done. We still haven't figured out the buckets situation. Is there
possibly a place we can stay and rest and then go to the temple in
the morning, sure, sheriffs perfectly a place that only has a limited number
of bedrolls. Not that I'm you know, asking for a solid here.
There are bunks in the jail. We can put six in one room,
no, or you can sleep outside. I have a I have a slight
clustrophobia issue. I'm going to sleep. I've spent enough time in jail with
these people. Yeah, that sounds like a story. Hey what they're five
of you? Oh yeah, Henrietta got hold of one of you, didn't
she. Yes, that's what we're waiting on. Do you think should come
back? No problems till morning? Yeah, plus spell slots and wild shape
and hip points oh mine? Alrighty? So would you like to sleep in
the jail or would you like to make camp outside? There's plenty of room
behind the mayor's house. It's a very It's a wide clear area with a
cow. Is it a cow? Or bull? Rolled me in? It
rolled me perception kill the rolls of twenty one. It's a cow. Yes,
way too many utters for it to be a bull. So anyone in
town of mind, if we eat cow, we are not I do.
It's a beautiful creature that deserves to live and is innocent, and it's so
don't eat my fucking cow. I will not let anyone harm your beautiful cow.
That's good for them and for the cow. All right, moogie sleeping
outside whatever your name is, set up under these nice tree branches. Okay,
y'all can make camp. TRN Karen is still in the herb shop,
having tea and training and perhaps gaining product lines while she's there, obviously there
being a new script to read to keep him on the hook and bring them
back. There may be a new line, maybe a new line of containers,
bags and pouches, etc. But just because we are rapping for the
night, that does not mean that we are through. As always, we
have some questions from our Patreon patrons on the Discord and you can join those
fine people by going to patreon dot com slash authors and Dragons. For as
little as a dollar a month, you can hang out on the discord and
chat with many many of the cast members who aren't me because I'm never on
Discord. But anyway, Rick, have you been calling the discord four questions?
Well, I just post cat pictures. Our friend Zach of All Trades
asks, have you ever made a character in one of your books specifically to
provide exposition when needed? Yes? I literally named them ponderous expositionist and that
would be in Girl three. So yes, I did that blatantly to make
fun of the exposition character. I think everybody does. We'd agree that's what
the Gandolf characters for. Whenever you ordered the Obi wan Kenobi characters for when
you have the wide eyed idiot at the beginning. You need the worldly character
to say, no, no, you idiot, here's what the world's really
like. Now listen to my story and blah blah blah blah. They they
exist across to move the character from over the threshold into the actual act one
to two. I answered this actually on the discord, but I specifically created
a character for that when I wrote the Silas Cane Scrolls, because I didn't
want to tell the story from Silas's perspective because that would require me to get
too deep into his brain. So I specifically created this like Demi god who
just exists kind of like was looking over Silas's shoulder for the entire time and
just explaining, like you know, and just exchange things in ways that really
Silas was not capable of. Pretty much. I didn't know that said,
after the Biblical Apocalypse and it's cyberpunk and it's meets supernatural, and uh,
my main character is like, he's he's a worldly guy, how do I
make him an idiot? And then I like on introduced him guy named Father
Grim who knows about the world beneath the world that's really happening. So yeah,
he became my exposition dump guy because he's been around for He's the oldest
living thing on the planet. So so it's kind of yeah, of course
you do it. I think everybody does it to a degree. Yeah,
industrial's dance I've got, I've spread it out. So because Kestral didn't know
anything about her magic in the first book, so I had to bring somebody
around who could teach her, because you can only learn so much on your
own. So yeah, I use Glory for that from time to time Parker
series, sometimes I use Faustus in that role. But yeah, it's I
don't have anyone that is specifically dedicated to that job, but i'll but I'll
give that task to another character for one book or for one scene if need
be. Gibbey is taunting me. Gibbey is taunting me on CA camera.
I want, I want to foul. He doesn't know about my trauma and
he's blatantly bringing it up. I was I was more a taunting rick.
I didn't know about your trauma, but please let's get into it. Tell
me more. Tell me an optimist. My whole life, when I was
a little girl, all I wanted I got one right behind me. All
I wanted was an Optimist Prime doll as a little girl growing up in the
eighties, and they kept giving me barbies. Do you know how annoying it
is to have? Like your friends bring over Megatron and sound Wave and you
have Barbie. All I wanted was Optimist Prime that one one Christmas and they
got me Megatron instead. So I had to go into eBay to get my
own nineteen eighties Optimist Prime guy fire My, mom My god, are you
kidding me? Do you still have him? Jet Fire Jette? His name
was sky Fire in the cartoon the like you know jet Fires, a toy
he's based on the Macross guy. I called him because I saw him in
the car. I still have it because I want it. No, I
don't have it, okay in the box of a b Look. All I
wanted was an Optimist Prime okay for years, and I was constantly given gender
stereotypical toys. I can't even watch the Barbie movie because drama. And now
I get it was my sister's generation, not mine. But that's okay,
because I have Gypsy Danger from Pacific rim. I like, is that next
question? I don't have any I don't have any cool toys. But I
got a row. That's what I've got. I'm just having a measuring contest
here, like two thousand magic cards, right right? Yeah, I do
have Do you have Darkness from Legend? Because I do? Oh my god,
we're having a toy off. Yeah, well you triple change spread friend's
wing. Baby, you can't get her anymore. I have a little vampire
whre's my Johnny Cash action figures around here? Sonny Cash, someone did give
me. They did give me the Jeff gold Bloom reclining. Alright, So
I've got this one fan named Levi. He makes homemade action figures, and
he made me an action figure of one of my characters from my books and
send it to me. So he made me my own action figure from my
packaged it and it was dope that that is really cool and we also kind
of hate you. I give up you. He's the same guy that ship
with the can this year with a new action figure of me. He made
an action figure of me from me and that was I saw you for Christmas.
And look, Melissa got me a silast bubblehead. It's too pretty.
I need to get jail d to paint scars on him. Oh man,
alright, how are we talking about before? We are right against position characters?
All right? I mean, oh, I got a new cut talking
about being nerdy. Here's my Lord of the Rings tattoo that says Rohan will
answers, it goes, it goes with my assemble. I'm sorry, that's
so cool. That'd be funny if you hadn't if they change it up and
it's Rohan says, fuck you winged helmets dorks. I have the font so
I can translate anything we want. I can. I can have gone door
says suck a bag of dicks. All right. Our friend Kyle the goof,
asks, what is your worst landlord's story? Years a landlord years ago
before we bought this house, we were renting and we were sharing with another
couple and that that couple split up and the woman decided to move the new
man in and it was just it was not working, and so we were
going to move out and the so we went and talked to the landlord and
got everything arranged. She said we're going to move out. You know the
lease. They can take over the lease and she was like, okay,
fine, no problem. And we found another place. And while we were
moving. The landlord called me and said, oh, by the way,
I told your roommates where you were moving to, and they were they were
planning on showing up and yelling at us and getting angry with us. And
I was like, seriously, why did you tell them? And she said,
well, I just thought it was fair. So that was just the
first one that popped in mind. I don't have any bad landlord's stories.
I mean, I've it's been almost thirty years since I lived in a place
I didn't own, and and when I only places, I only had like
two apartments before I moved in with my wife. So when I was young
in the military, I was living in the dorms and I one friend offered
to like, Hey, do you want to come move into my townhouse with
me rent a room from it? You can. You'll make more money because
they give you a cost, They give you an allowance for housing, so
you can make money on the side. Like, yeah, sure, talked
to the first sergeant. He said great. I moved into his apartment,
only to find out he didn't really want a roommate. He wanted someone to
watch his house because he was doing a six month deployment to England, so
I had so I was there at his house, but he left the electric
bill Max, the case of bill Max, the gas bill Max, all
these bills of the house max, and someone had to pay for them.
So I am going broke covering all his bills and my own because otherwise I'll
be evicted because I'll have nowhere to go. And he had the audacity to
come back and ask for six months of rent, and I was. I
had my car repossessed at this time because I went so broke and I didn't
want to break the code and like rat him out for all his negligence.
Then he had the galls to come and ask me for like all this back
rent. And so yeah, that was a whole thing in my life.
I literally had my car repossessed for thirty four dollars, wow, because I
had no money left. For six months, I lived on one hundred dollars.
I borrowed it gets my own paycheck because I was so tapped one hundred
dollars a month, that's when I lived on. So I my landlord,
I would just like to press my landlord himself is a lovely, generous kind
soul who has like helped fix things late at night, let's us have cats.
Wonderful. No complaints about him, but he is the reason I He
introduced me to his friend who is an aspiring author, and I don't usually
use that term, but he wanted me, his friend wanted me to read
his book in progress, and it's it's the one that made me have to
put a writer. Now that every book I read, I'm like, does
it have any surprise anal rate? Oh my god, yes, no,
this is a actual thing. Does it involve a minor? And is there
a talking tiger? If any of these things happen, I will immediately not
read your book, just so you know it's not a surprise. If like,
you got a written letter ahead of time, though the anal is coming,
so got in a three in a row trend of surprise butt stuff.
I'm like, what was this? Okay, surprise anal rate tiger. I'm
gonna go delete it. Talking tiger? What's the wrong wrong with the talking
tiger? Necessarily, that's that's me. It's in a book with surprise anal
rob minor. They are now forever linked in my mind. Was the tiger
banging the kid? Was the kid banging of the tiger? It would take
tiger in the room. Did the tiger watch and say, do it slower?
Running all six nipples? What kind of story do you think has all
these elements? And these weren't even the weirdest. Was finished with the kid?
Did he say it's great? Because I think you kind of just described
like half of Bevin Shingle story. So I don't know. No, no,
this this book was legit more disturbing than anything I've formatted for Bevin because
you know what you're getting there. It was the surprise factor stuff. But
then I read the next book I read had surprise butt stuff too, like
what do I have a sign that says, hey, surprise me with your
anal in your manuscript? No? I just and so that is my tangential
tooth. That's my worst landlord story because my landlord himself is wonderful. But
I had to go through reading this story. And I will not name any
names to protect the uninnocent. But if you're listening the discord, remember Rachel
just said surpriser with with r No do not that is animal writer. I
will not read it that a new T shirt dard surprise you with your anal
is like that's the new band that's They're right out of Portland's It's It's amazing
So surprise but stuff. It's the debut song brown Eyed Girl really uh at
the top of the charts. Some of the authors who know me occasionally they'll
be like, if they asked me to read stuff, they'll put no butt
stuff, don't worry. Yeah, I get a manuscripts and I feel like
I see a massive number of unpublishable works. There's very little surprise butt stuff
in anything I'm being sent. Maybe you should call your friends list because it
all goes to Rachel. I was gonna say, I think I it's like,
is that my duty in this world? I get the surprise anals manuscripts
duty. It's the surprise Rachel, your anals challenge. No, please,
do please, everybody send buttle pictures to Ari. Do not say that.
Do you understand how many tentacles I already get sent? How much they made
a painting of Cathulhu as Jeff gold Bloom and sent it to me, Like,
seriously, else, tentacle anal, take your cytrical anal. But you
know how many that'll do? Donkey, that'll do? They know that it
will make me turn purple. I hate you all. I don't know if
we need another question. I don't think we're getting any better than that.
But yeah, let's let's jump over to the Facebook and we'll trust Steve to
cut shit around and put the put the Rachel rant as our as our tiger
butt stuff climax. Well, there's no game tonight. It's just this conversation
about but what's that the book with a talking fucking tiger? Dude? If
John, if John's listening to this, the next game, like, as
soon as we get behind the door of the Gem of food Mark, it'll
be surprise butt stuff. We're waiting for us for rock shassa. No,
not a tiger, that's mascot, surprised anal tiger. It's you all so
much. Hey, okay, and you had a fucking optimist prime several you
know as John talking tiger. No the tiger at wait, did the tiger
fuck it? Not on? He did not fuck on the page, but
he had cubs later, so I guess he did, but he didn't.
What are the Facebook questions I thought you'd never ask over on Facebook? Zachary
Markson says, if you had a convention that was all about you. What
would it be called and what would some events or panels at that convention be?
Surprise but stuff? Is that the name or the topic? Yes,
it's surprise come up but stuff? Oh, I don't know. Probably have
tea and lovely pastries and quiet conversation and cats because now my cat is trying
to join in the party. We've got Griff and a lot of people in
enial tiger cosplay. See there is a Griff that's just very uh, misty
and I do have a con that's all about us. It's called SAGA.
It's the Genre the gen Professional Right Development Conference for genre fiction writers. And
you can get your tickets now at SAGA conference dot com and then and then
you can come join us in Winston Salem July twelve through fourteen and find out
what kind of panels there will be at a convention that's for us by it.
And we're in partners one of the ones that congregate, So if you
come to SAGA, you automatically get a message membership to congregate as well.
So it's two two, two cons in one with practically no surprise tiger butt
stuff. Pretty sure, at least we have not so much so far.
So far, there has not been any surprise tiger butt stuff at either a
congregate or a saga. Because I've been at all know who to ask to
be on the panel? I hate you, I like I said a singing
telegram first. So there's no surprises about the butt stuff. So you're gonna
have to write the lyrics for the for the tiger butt stuff. I'll get
Buddy. I'll give this to Bevin. He's he's a lyricist, Harold butt
stuff. Come yeah, exactly hard there, Hairld, but fucking calm do
do laugh of pie. But with surprise butt stuff? Open up the big
brown eye. Couldn't I just have a horrible landlord story with like a septic
issue or something. No, you know, if I was to have a
con, a GiB con, it would be it would be a camping weekend.
It would be like people would be like bunking up and camp camp stuff.
It would be at all outdoors and you know, a big tent pavilion
like one big LARPing events, but with books and just fun nerds shit all
weekend. That's what I would like to do. Like, I don't think
I have a great time, Teresa, and I will almost certainly not be
there. We are indoor kiddies. Yeah, we are indoors. Oh no,
I'm a I'm a glamper. No, no, no, I would
like cabins with like air conditioning. There has to be toilets, like proper
toilets and doors on the inside. It's a what if situation? So all
right, anybody else Rick? Yeah, what's rick? Could it would be
like all the two waf will show you with pictures of feet because for some
reason they'll think that bothers me or something you must have are fucking better than
what I get. Said something down the road and somebody jumped on it and
it became a thing. Oh I know exactly what I said, because because
people kept, like, you know, posting these like feet pictures, and
I just made a comment like, could be like maybe, like, you
know, cut it out with the pictures of nasty feet because I'm pretty sure
she's greater feet too. It was awful. Yeah, yeah, it's exactly
what you think. That's way less funny than surprise tiger butt stuff. Surprising,
and god knows what I will say if there is a surprise tiger butt
stuff shirt, I will wear it. But it has to exist and someone
has to send it to me, jail. I'm gonna need a drawing of
a very surprised looking tiger. Hang on, you know it. It occurs
to me that since the the first Mysticon is no longer a thing, I
could actually now have Misty con and and everybody could come and argue about the
X files with me. You could have Mercedes Lackey show up, and it
can be double the Misty, double the cone. There's one. There's only
room in this town for one Misty. Good good thing, Misty Lackey doesn't
live in South Carolina. Even her name. All right, I just dropped
the link for everybody, specifically Rachel in the slack for the Quest for Competence
slack and uh yeah, it's an Amazon book. My god, I'm afraid.
Oh kay, Now, this isn't my search history, you asshole.
You don't know what I had to search on to get to before that three
the King Brian. There's no tiger involved, probably probably nothing you haven't searched
on before. I hate you all. Yeah that book mark, Rick,
it was awfully fast. Let's do one more on the Facebook and then and
then let me go. Let me be well, it's It's also con related
because this was right before A and Dcon when they posted these questions. But
it's Mark, Mark. Dear Mark, do we need to say it?
Dearest Mark says, if an alien were to attend A and D Con,
what is the first thing you would say to them? Rachel's gonna eat it.
Rachel's gonna eat a giant donut dick in a couple of hours. You
should you should hang out for that. Don't and don't go in the crapper.
There's a meth head in there. Yes, I did eat that,
that giant dick donut. And then I got completely shown up by Kyle,
like seriously, that man that mouth. Damn my poor British accent. Was
like, if anything happens to you, I'll take you. So it was
impressed. I was jealous of the donuts pictures. There was video. I
just wanted the donuts. I didn't care. That's what she was jealous of.
To get to the donuts, though, you had to step over human
feces, take a left at the church scientology, and walk over the crackheads.
That is true. All of these things happened in one trip. Wow,
wow, yeah, yeah, yeah, Gibby, what would you tell
a new comer to our planet and uh and A and d coon uh.
I probably would just pull a John Hardness and say, here, buy my
books. You don't have nearly enough in your hands yet, so come over
to my table. Also like, hey man, you got you got cures
for all these diseases and ship you know, like I mean their interstellar traveler.
So I just want to I start pumping up information and try to sell
my books in an integral practically. I like that because you could say to
the alien, here you can learn about our culture for information and so what
you're still improving And Rachel's that way the way this year is going. I'd
probably just be like, just vaporise Earth. Yeah, but take me with
you first. So on that happy note, that's all we've got for you
this week. We'll be back next week with a side quest of some flavor
and join us in two weeks for the next episode of the Quest for Competence.
Also, some dragons brought to any Creed of Commons license, meaning you
were free to share this material so long as credit is given to those who
created, which is us people you just heard to play the game opening and
closing themes performed by the gore Core four. Is that dwarf word for common