Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to Week three of the twenty fourteen miss Krypti Call.
This week we have the final three wonderful wiy critters, the last three
gladiators into the arena. This is the third week where we parade days small
cantra of carefully selected carnivorous creatures for your oglemen, A terrible triumvirent of tooth
and tangy sauce now entering the cryptoarium. This is the final week of regular
competition regular season play in the league. We've seen some of the finest,
we've seen some of the worst yep that the world of cryptozoology has to offer.
Mermaid, I'm looking at you, And this week we have three more
to add to the mixing bowl, and only one will bake into a delicious
brownie. What's going into the oven floor? The ingredients this week are thementicre,
the Incan yamba, and the New Orleans Grudge. Ladies and gentlemen,
strap in and get ready to peruse the paranormal. Select a winner to move
on to the final round, vying for the Golden Goatman for the twenty fourteen
missus crypt Dude. Hey, everybody, I'm David Flora and I'm David Steco.
Welcome to the final week of regular season competition. Oh, I'll tell
you what, David, Things are really heating up out there. We've seen
two great rounds of play, a lot of real competitors. But boy,
we're not done yet. We're gonna see some new faces this week, and
that's when things really start to heat up. I just couldn't be more excited.
Allow me, I'm Troll Barker. Don't know what the hell you wait
untill last week to bring me in contract negotiations. Really tough thing, got
a business behind the scenes. Don't peek behind the curtain, everybody. Look
out New Orleans Hunch and Inky Mamba Man many cray y'all y'all tough, tough
dudes. One are y'all gonna win? Well, I'll tell you what.
I'm probably gonna order the Manti cray on my New Orleans Brunch, big glass
of Inky Mambo with it, y'all know me, I'll trumbugging, that's right.
One final Week three more Cryptids one will emerge and then go on to
the finals to face the winner of Week one, Jeff the Talking Mongoose,
the winner of week two. Who is bo Thanks for saving me from doing
that that sound beside they already know that one. Why wasn't that one of
our horse names in there that we did redacted? That's a pretty good one.
But stay two. Un at the end of this episode you will find
out who wins a week two and we'll go on to face one of these
lovely contestants, the Manticor incon Yamba or the New Orleans Grunge. And now
if you skip to the end, we'll know, I swear to God will
know. Let's start, Dave with the Manticor cult. I'm gonna tell you
this to floy classic gript a classic beast of myth and lore. Look out,
Europe, here comes the Manticor, the Manticorp, one of my favorite
creatures from mythology growing up, learning about it or or controlling Manticor in agent
mythology. Play to the PC, But I'll tell you what I did play
growing up. Played me a little bit of battle Tech where it had a
Manticore heavy tank. Oh that's right too, we had a particle projection canon,
some long range shot range missiles, medium laser in there for funzies.
Sounds pretty h lonely. Yeah, sounds like not a lot of ladies got
kiss. I gotta tell you, I am. I am personally amazed.
Uh that that I remembered that. I mean, well, yeah, the
minute I said it, I was like what and I just looked it up.
That's how I was able to figure out, Like, yeah, but
but yeah, that was from BattleTech. You you mentioned Halo earlier, and
uh it a lot of the names of the vehicles flooded back to me.
Oh yeah, like scorpion, ward hog, scarab in Halo two was one
thing. Yeah, yeah, those They covered a lot of ground with those
things. So the manticore, though, this is a really really fun critter.
Oh yeah, I think you're gonna like it. It's a creature of
Persian mythology, hails from the dark and deep jungles and forests of India.
Ever heard of it? Welcome to the Welcome to the party, India.
It's a fearsome killing machine described though Lee the body of a vermilion red lion.
Oh, the head of a man, sometimes specifically with blue eyes hmmm,
three rows of razor sharp teeth not unlike a shark, and a long
scorpion like tail. That, depending on the tiller of the story, ends
in a scorpion stinger, or ends in a tuft of sharp, poisonous barbs
which it can launch at prey like arrows from a bow. Shit, So
there's no there's no good answer to that. Uh. There is not bonus
though sometimes b sometimes it has bat like wings. That's not a bonus bonus
for it. Uh. Its voice is like that of pipes and trumpets.
It is very swift, very agile, like an All New twenty fourteen Jakua
fucking jack jacuar magical. It definitely has a taste for humans, so much
so that it eats its prey hole clothes and all bones and all leaves no
trace of them behind. Nice. Well, that's that's a high efficiency.
Yep, not even like an owl pellet. I don't think so. No,
gross, No, So does it not have an anus? Then?
Yeah? Do you do? You sift through manticore poo? Don't trying to
find a tooth or something? I found a stool? What a class boice?
I can slow angus? Uh? Sorry, quick question? Uh?
Is this one of those uh bat wings tuft of flaming deaths poison spikes or
is it just like a scorpion kind I don't annoy yet, we'll have enough
phone to have we not got back to hunt it. Here's what it does.
It hides in tall grass and it sticks its human head out over top
of it. Curious people who wander over, never seen from heard from again?
Yeah, boy to night. What'sld is? Then? Fancy a shang
gets its taste, gets hits taste. It was documented by a Greek physician
name Drunkenness Titius around the fifth century BC U. Titius was the physician to
the Persian king Artaxerxes the second. Because all kings, Xerxes something right,
and apparently called it a martek hora, which breaks down on as man eater
and was later mistranslated to manti chorus by Pliny the Elder. That's son of
a bit Jesus. And then who forgot to watch? Pliny the Elder,
guys, seriously, we have to keep an eye on him. Who's on
Pliny patrol? Pliny the Junior, it's not it's it's it's your responsibility.
It's not on us, Pliny the Junior. It's not made. That's Planted
the senior. It's me. Pliny the younger and I don't care, but
I'm Pliny the middle child. Look at me. That that name, that
was the Mantichorus that later you know, you know how how names do manticor
And one account says they create newborns from the ground and do it quickly,
which is good because they are hunted often apparently, all right, you know,
nature finds a way. Who the fuck is hunting them? By the
way, Um, I think Indians, I think going out and because they're
you know, they're a scourge of humanity. So and they would try and
find the baby manticords and kill them before they got poisonous varmints. Sure Vermin
m used in heraldry in the Middle Ages and represented the prophet Jeremiah. Apparently
from what I read, the connection to living in the earth and Jeremiah's being
thrown in a cistern or a dung pit. Gross. Now, I didn't
see much about manticords living in the earth. I saw that they lived in
jungles or forests or grasslands, because if they hide in tall grass, there's
not a lot yet. But yeah, I don't know. I don't know
where the whole in caves or in the ground came from just wherever it is
spooky, so you hold on the ground magic. Well, a lot of
a lot of crazy stuff got added to stories and myths during the Middle Ages.
Yeah, I love that. I love that in a country plagued by
gigantic king cobras and tigers, they're like, you know, what we need
to do is make up something dangerous to put this put the scare into people.
That's what that's what this place needs. I mean even you know,
even Australia had to have a bun. Yep, there's something in people that.
Seriously, Yeah, the Land of Nope had to. I think.
I think it's a very fun creature that has just enough creatures mixed in,
yeah, to not be overdoing it, you know what I mean. You
know they got the mix just trag it just taste. It tastes great.
And yeah it's low fat, low fat made with Stevia. I don't know
that just that one. You know, we should talk about artificial sweetness someday.
If you didn't like the episode, go back and at least listen to
the ads that we've got four in and get them. Yeah, that was
where I was really happy with those. Yeah, boy, what's an election
you're coming up. We should, we should work on more political ads.
We should. So that is the men to core. I'm gonna ask everyone
to go ahead and remove any metal watches, uh, any jewelry. Make
sure there's no change in your pockets. Um, make sure your shoes.
You take your shoes off, take your belt off. Go ahead and take
your pants off, and you see that shirt off. Any undergarments, um,
boxer shorts, briefs, boxer briefs, man thong, lady thong,
dip thongs, and ting tong tontes. He knows exactly what he has to
take off. Boostier's course, say it's push up, bra halter tops,
tube tops, pasties, smocks, smocks, hair scrunchies, hair clips,
barretts, bobby pins. All of it has to come off for you to
enter into the matter digital matter transporter that Blurry Photos has created. I must
insist you be as naked as you can be, and I hope you haven't
even in the last twenty four hours. Now get in the chamber because we're
going to South Africa. Yeah, South Africa, that's right home to the
Slytherin, reptilian serpent, the kenyamba. That's right. This Uh, this
gigantic, terrifying creature. Uh, depicted on some cave walls here and there.
It is known to inhabit. I mean it's famous for. It's famous
for, come on, for inhabiting Howick Falls in Howick, South Africa.
Okay Um. It is a huge, large serpent with the horse like head
with lots of frills, big big fins around the head. And it is
not just one. It is a species. Oh this is this is a
this is one of God's creatures living in this waterfall. And uh it is
obviously like any of these things, it becomes a tourist attraction. There have
been um lots of searches for it. There was a bounty put out on
photos of it. There was even a little story circulated that it was determined
Oh no, this is an endangered species. So uh so scientists or or
or well wishers or green Peace or somebody swooped in and relocated it to a
secret location. Other things that the the Incan yamba. In addition to being
blamed for disappearances that it, you know, pulls into the water, drowns
and eats its victims, it's also blamed for powerful storms. It's got a
little little wind in so whenever there's a big storm that blows through, they
blame the Incan Yamba. Scientists think that it might be a species of giant
eel, which are unknown in the area, some of them getting to as
long as six feet. They're dark black or brown. Gross yep and uh.
And so they think that there might be a logical explanation, but none
of that explains the giant horsehead horsehead like yeah, yeah. They think it's
it's many many times larger than than big eels. Oh yeah, you know,
this thing is gigantic size yep, like NeSSI size yeah, Like watch
yourself, like watch yourself, like you it'll eat you like a manton bar.
That's how big it is. Um, they're thought to to migrate.
They're not just located in this one spot. Um, if they they run
out of food or if things start to dry up, they will they travel
at night in the form of a shadow. Jesus, Yeah, giant snake
shadow, just to slither on by. Wow, hi'd your pools, hi'd
your wife. And at this point now it's just kind of relegated to a
fairly good a tourist draw. I mean, I'm sure that you've never heard
of how It Falls before, but if you're in the neighborhood, you know
you're going to get yourself. I went to find the in ken Yamba and
all I got was this this really great T shirt because they're not dicks about
it there. They appreciate quality T shirts. It's a creature that that factors
heavily in Zulu mythology and folklore of the region there. The native Zulus are
very superstitious, very scared of this thing because of what they you know,
suppose it because of what it does. Yeah, only which doctors are allowed
near the pool, and they have to sacrifice white goats and things like that
trying to pease it, to keep that thing full. Man, don't don't
make it. Don't make it. Take your kid, Yeah, don't make
it, take your wife. You run and tell that there's apparently one at
Howick Falls. That's that's king of the It's the most famous. It's like
a it's a glamour whore and it just lives for baiting TMZ. They call
it the Tall One. And I'm not even gonna try and pronounce what what
they actually I think you'll say, but I think you'll try Nah, the
Ni Ni Ni don't have a nice in to do that, ni um Howard
falls. I guess that's a nice tourist spot for South Africa. So if
you are down there in touristing, then check it out with you. Yeah,
that's someplace you you will go and possibly get eaten at the it's these
are these are pretty cool things. I didn't know that. I didn't read
the part about the shadow things. So that's that's pretty cool. Gives it
a little little, uh, paranormal teeth. It's right, it's got it's
got some powers. The photo h bounty that you were talking about some some
guy actually two people, well a couple of people to a photo. One
of them it's it's too good to be fake and too fake to be good.
Yeah, it's it's just it falls right in that category where it's just
it's a limbo, which sucks because it is a good picture. But and
he's got the negative of it that he likes to show as well, that
he says isn't a hoax. But it looks like a combination of some kind
of anaconda and ap plesiosaur neck sticking out of the water. It's sticking straight
up it's got the head forward, but it also looks snake like to me.
Yeah, I mean, and you can does look like me? You
could. You could even see that that it almost looks And when I say
almost, I mean it looks exactly like it was lifted verbatim from an illustration
of a brachiosaur or or what of the artists formerly known as Bronte's or yeah,
yeah it does. Oh okay, when when you put him side by
side like that, it's fucking fake. Yeah. Yeah, you can see
like there's this one illustration and you're like, oh, yep, damn,
you want so much for some of these things to be real, and then
somebody goes and finds how it's fake, and then you're just like, well,
yeah, then book readers just ruin it for everybody. Every time that's
a it's a damn bronze sword one. Does it even have the fucking leaves
hanging out of its mouth? No? He was kind enough to edit those
out? What because he Well, I mean, let's keep in mind that
you can pull some fairly thorough hoaxes. If you live in South Africa,
for example, I know sign language. You can get pretty fun are with
that one rub elbows with the leaders of the free world. Well, so
that's I mean, that's it. That's what I got on the Incan yamba.
Incan yamba should of a really elaborate dance that involves thrashing. You know
what I've found. What have you found is that at least half the names
of these cryptids that we've researched are also rock bands. Yeah, that's true.
Take for instance, Yeah and New Orleans grunge. Oh so is this
just a cryptid that's got like some maybe some clunky boots on, some jeans
with holes in it, flannel tied around its waist, and it's just like
whatever, Man, I'm a slacker. That's the that's the Seattle grunge.
Oh, this is the grunge gun. Are you sure that's not just a
regional dialect of the same thing. It could be its grunge Nasa, that's
a that's a musical crypt today. I'll see what I had. My gumbo
had a taste and put some Landois also Jenna taste, like I put my
foot in it. Jesus did not look to him that was that grun Say
yeah, I say, come on here, grunch, get what your someone
that has gumbo. Yeah, what's the grunch? Around New Orleans? People
keep their doors locked, their car windows rolled up, and pets inside after
dark because of murder, rape, extortion, carjacking, robbery, and the
Grunch and number of two hundred and seventy third on the list of reasons to
lock your doors in New Orleans the Grunch. The Grunch is described as a
three and a half foot tall, bipedal creature with horns, a spiny or
maybe a quillie back, and glowing eyesep. Some accounts say it also has
bat wings and a tail. Close at that point one right, If it's
got glowing eyes, it's got bat wings, that means it's not the Mothman?
Or is it? Yes? It is. But if the Mothman's job
is to pretend calamity, then how could he ever leave New Orleans? Got
you something stuck up with your crawl about New Orleans? Well, I'm just
saying it's a city dammed by God it lives. It's a coastal town,
living below sea level. So there's a middle finger. A huber is going
right up the old flagpole. It's decided to cove out a niche foo itself
as America's inebriated urinal come to come to New Orleans, have a bignet,
piss on anything. It's the what's the working it's the it's the working man's
bohemian growth. I've been in New Orleans once everything reeked of urine, vomit.
Were you just in the French Quarter? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
no, I was just passing through. And uh, I'm sure that
there's parts of New or I have a good friend who lives down there and
she loves it. I just saw nothing but terror and bad parts. I
went to Browstown free or post pre. I went post so I think the
was washed away. Yeah, I'm not saying it's better. I'm just saying
I didn't get a YearIn smell. Oh man, this hot yurine and vomit.
Wow, And I blame the Grunch. It's all the Grunch's fault.
Apparently. Well, it can howl like a wolf or maybe screech like an
ape. And yes it stinks. Yeah, that grunge got stack caught over
here. It's intelligent and able to open doors, also use tools. There
may be more than one grune it. Maybe we're dealing with the good news
is the plural is still grunge grunch. Yeah, call me home as a
grunge. We're having a grunge fry fry. You might have sucked the head
off that grune getting the juice. Here's the origin story. You remember old
voodoo queen Marie of Duh. She is said to have cursed a woman to
bear a devil baby, and which is a that's a different story altogether.
But and then when the devil baby was born, she castrated it. Whoa
not even a devil baby deserves that. The testicles fiddled to the ground and
immediately turned into a male and female grunch devil baby. Are you sure they
didn't turn into a squawk, because I could really believe that origin for the
squawk could have migrated north. Have been sad that he wasn't in New Orleans
anymore. They attacked her immediately and she fainted. Then they disappeared. Devil
baby too. Apparently it was named after a road in eastern New Orleans near
a section called Little Woods. Also happens to avoid a lot of legal action
by the estate of one doctor Theodore Geesel. It will attack pets and livestock,
puncturing one hole to drain blood. Maybe some morgans chupa thingy, Oh
yes, this is this is a an American cousin of the old chupaka.
And you know what, taxonomically, I'll allow it. Okay. It can
attack humans as well. In fact, if you see a weak or stray
goat or animal wandering a road at night, don't stop and check on because
other way, because you were gonna oh goat, Oh bitch, it could
be bait for this this thing when when you jump, when you get out
to check on this goat, that's hurt. No show, we can't stop
that goats grunch bait, baby, we can't. Nothing we can do for
it. It's so small that it's hurt. You better get out and check
out on that goat. Now, give and I hope we're smooching. When
I get back, we'll be smooching. Look it was it was che bade.
After all, you shot have taken some snicker bof I'm gonna have to
smooth you in the afterlife. Another legend of its origin involved a community of
albinos and dwarves like they would let that happen in the South. Well,
this here's a thing. They were living in seclusion because they wouldn't let that
happen in the South. They were Yeah, they were freaks to the locals,
and the locals will very mean to them. And they're said to have
bread and created offspring that eventually became the grunge. The grunch is like the
great great grandchildren of albinos and dwarves. But it was it was like the
stories of you know the hillbillies that that get the caves, that inbreed and
do it for generations. Now that's one side of it. Or these albinos
and dwarves tired of being freaks yep. For the locals, made a deal
with the devil for something to protect them from the tolls who would come and
make fun of them. Now now they got a whole pack of grunge keeping
them safe. If you're bitten by a devil, baby, debble baby,
you will turn into a grunch at the full moon. Deable baby baby,
look at him body baby. So yeah, it's it is not unlike a
chew picabra. So that is the New Orleans grunge. Wow, you know
um thing that I'm just gonna put out there because we don't do it.
We don't do our names sign offs for the the twenty fourteen mis Cryptic Contest.
So I just want to let everybody know that I'm David Deal. Will
Baby staggo? Do you look at would you go? Get you double baby?
That's not as funny that anyone else is in his death right now.
So there you goes are your week three contestants. Let them host fight.
I just I didn't want to tell you this, but I just castrated a
debble baby in my bathroom. I just castrated one and there were two,
the two little nuggets that fell off and hit the ground. Fuck delete that
debble baby, little debble baby. Oh you want to go first? You
want me to you? I've got a bar. Okay. It's a bar
where the bartenders they can get real angry. They travel by night too,
and uh if they get angry in their bar, they make it rain oh
beer. Oh okay. Bar is called drinking Yamba. Nice new devil babies.
M you go on home? Did you do? Debble baby? Who
that devil baby? You know? Um? In India, it's not easy
because of the hunting for uh manticors to reach maturity. It's not no,
no no, because as you said, you know, they try to they
go after the young, to get them before their poisonous. It's uh,
you know, it's really hard. And so within the Manticore community, they've
they've they've set up a series of gyms and fitness areas to kind of try
to really boost physical development as fast as possible, give these guys all the
tools they need to survive in the wild. Good. Yeah, and it's
um, it's called Jerry Langerford's Manticor. Jim. We'll turn you from a
canticor to a manticor like a canticord. Yeah, are you a manticor or
you a canticre? That's it? How many? What's the devil baby count?
Like seventeen nosebleed? Yeah, So there you go, everybody. I
guess there's nothing else to report. Floora hey, everybody, have a good
night. Um, I don't know. Shut up, tell where you talk
again? That's what I say? Wait, what what? There's nothing else?
So many times? No, there's an envelope. Oh I forgot you
owe me money? No, dude, it says results. Oh. From
the last week's Barnyard burned Down in the basement basement Barnyard burned Down, first
roll, first roll of his cryptic club. Don't talk about anything button his
cryptic club. So the contestants from last week were the howit saddle? That's
right from mecho from North Carolina, vampire based Bladon Borough, fart heels got
him take that, and last but not least, from the Hendlock Forests of
northern Pennsylvania. Pretty badass location already, the squawk head downstairs night it was
a squaw that's right. I couldn't get a picture of him. Oh well,
you don't live there anymore. He's elusive and I don't live there anymore.
Hey, everybody, I moved. That's right again. Yeah, we
did it. We did it. So that's that's kind of why episodes have
been erratically Yeah. I apologize for that getting it all up. But anyway,
so results, how about results. I'm gonna guess let's let's get your
let's get your pick. Tough call last week. A lot of good choices.
I'm gonna what's your heart's saying? It's just tough because the uh,
the aw it'saddle has like a cool kind of story. It's got a fun
tie into mythology, and it's got that silver lining. If it kills you,
you know, it's hand Tail. The squawk is just a lovable loser.
It's it's the Chicago Cubs of the Cryptids. It's just a miserable pilo
shit. But people still love it, just like the cubs. Uh.
It's the er although harder to look at one hundred crypted wood, harder to
very much so. Um. And then and then there's the name, the
Vampire Beast of Blade and Borrow. That's sexy. That's a race car.
That's that's a crypted name. Yeah, I gotta tell you. When I
think about it, I feel like, oh, it's addle. It's got
a really exotic name. It's got a solid pedigree. I'm guessing. Ah,
it's saddle, all right. But man, I'll tell you there's a
I mean, vampire beast right on its ass. The winner of week two,
uh huh of the twenty fourteen yeah miscrypted contest is the Squank shut up.
Oh see, I'm the worst. I don't know about anything. My
third place choice is the winner. Oh man, way to go, Squank.
Squank was your idea? Listeners, that's so is Jeff the Talking Mongoose.
Listeners are ruled. You guys, fine, fine, you you like
this so much. What did you do the podcast? Oh listeners, now
time to do listener, here's a letter for me this I'm out. Oh
my god, Herder Herder. I listened to podcast Urban third week of the
contest. Dave Rage quits. Well, well, well, well, congratulations,
squawk your lights. Yep, squawk. You joined Jeff the Talking Mongoose
in the finals for the Golden Goatman of twenty fourteen. And as he's introduced
into the pitt listen, I know it's so to my catchphrase, but I
am honest. I am asking, honestly what the is oldest? And I
I don't understand it was he so so, I mean, look, any
am, I get it. But congratulations squawk Yeah, everybody else, it
is up to you. Vote vote vote vote vote vote vote Scriptaboo, baby,
never baby. Go to blurry photos dot org. The survey is right
there on the home page. If you scroll down a little bit, you'll
find it. Just enter your name in your email for a chance to win.
That's try your own devil. You had to put one of those in
the prize package. Now that is a devil baby in the prize pack.
If we have to make it, it's fine. Um, devil baby before
everybody m you get your You can get your very own replica Golden Goatman trophy
right next week in our regular weekly episode, tune in to find out the
winner of Week three, which will complete our tri force of winners one more
round, and then we'll have leadership finally elected by the people, a mandate
of the masses, leadership to change leadership to guide us into the new era.
Finally, we will have a miscrypted, not the one we deserve,
but the one we will want. Someone to join the Squawk and Jeff the
Tonguing Mongoose to fight it out for the top crypted spot. And also fourteen
you guys, the electoral process that the blurry photos runs is way better because
there's prizes, right, isn't this how democracy should work? Yeah? If
you get a free lottery ticket, if you vote, great, that's better
than anything. Wow, that's how That's how you get voter turnout. Right,
Let's start our own country. Yeah, also take suggestions of names for
our own country. We'll find out the winner of week three, and then
you'll have one more week to vote on your top crypted Don't don't get caught
up in the details. We'll explain it to you as it's happening. You'll
be fine. You'll be fine. Just one more week to go after next
week. Yeah, so two more weeks to go. But Facebook US,
email US, Twitter US, all those things for general communications. But voting.
Do it on the website. Yeah, do it so it counts,
and so you get your name in the pot. Oh yeah, from for
sweet sweet prizes including what was that thing? A devil? Baby Jesus what?
I don't know. I don't know why we love it so much,
but we do, and we love you and we know exactly why we do
that. That's right. So anyways, for this week of the twenty fourteen
miscripted contesta, no no, no, no no, see you next me