WEBVTT 1 00:00:05.400 --> 00:00:12.880 Ready, Welcome back to the Black Girl Experience. I'm your host, Jasmin 2 00:00:13.000 --> 00:00:19.960 Dan Yell. I like the way I'm looking on here. Cute, look 3 00:00:20.199 --> 00:00:25.120 cute. I'm not I'm I'm not even gonna lie. My heart is beating 4 00:00:25.120 --> 00:00:31.199 fast right now, just because of what happened on the way here. Like, 5 00:00:31.559 --> 00:00:36.920 first of all, y'all know that I'm a piscy a piscy son Jimini 6 00:00:37.039 --> 00:00:43.520 Moon Leo Rising, but I'm a super emotional person. Like I'm an EmPATH. 7 00:00:43.719 --> 00:00:49.359 I can definitely empathize with people's emotions and their energy very easily. And 8 00:00:49.560 --> 00:00:53.439 I'm telling y'all like my voice is breaking too. But I took a lift 9 00:00:53.479 --> 00:00:57.719 here and when I got in, the dude had told Oh. I was 10 00:00:57.719 --> 00:00:59.920 telling him, I'm like, yeah, I'll just relocated here from Detroit, 11 00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:02.159 bh blah blah blah. He like, dang for real, y'all a dapt 12 00:01:02.200 --> 00:01:03.599 me up, be like I'm from flant I'm like, that's what's up. 13 00:01:04.359 --> 00:01:07.079 So it was just cool at first, just a little like you know, 14 00:01:08.159 --> 00:01:14.280 mini conversation, nothing too crazy. And then I don't even know how it 15 00:01:14.319 --> 00:01:17.680 got Oh he started telling me, he was like, yeah, I wouldn't 16 00:01:17.719 --> 00:01:21.599 really advise that you tell people that you're not from here, cause you know 17 00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:23.000 what I'm saying, people might try to take advantage of you or whatever, 18 00:01:23.040 --> 00:01:27.239 and base by and he was just kind of talking about some little hood shit, 19 00:01:27.319 --> 00:01:30.480 gang shit type shit. I'm like, in my mind, I'm like, 20 00:01:30.519 --> 00:01:32.359 well, I'm a woman, so I don't really think I have to 21 00:01:32.400 --> 00:01:38.079 deal with that. But then the conversation kind of turned and he had mentioned 22 00:01:38.120 --> 00:01:42.799 that, you know, years ago, he had a girlfriend that would drug 23 00:01:42.920 --> 00:01:46.599 him, and he talked about how like he had actually died. For a 24 00:01:46.640 --> 00:01:49.159 second, like it got so deep, and the whole conversation just turned to 25 00:01:49.239 --> 00:01:53.280 God and like really having got in you and being able to separate yourself from 26 00:01:53.319 --> 00:01:57.319 situations and stuff like that. And I'm like, it's so crazy that you 27 00:01:57.439 --> 00:02:00.200 tell me this right now. And you know, I didn't even tell him 28 00:02:00.239 --> 00:02:05.040 what I was coming here to talk about or do or whatever, but it 29 00:02:05.239 --> 00:02:14.520 just it really just confirmed some things for me as far as like like having 30 00:02:14.560 --> 00:02:20.360 God in you and having good energy and not you know, mixing and messing 31 00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:23.599 with with with the wrong people with bad energies and shit like that, because 32 00:02:24.120 --> 00:02:30.960 that shit is real, especially if you've experienced it firsthand, and it's not 33 00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:35.599 a game. It's not a game, but it was just very interesting that 34 00:02:35.599 --> 00:02:39.520 that came about. And so anyway back to like the intro real quick, 35 00:02:39.520 --> 00:02:44.080 I know y'all are like, where the fuck have you been? We miss 36 00:02:44.159 --> 00:02:51.479 you. I have been neglecting the podcast like a bad fucking parent. But 37 00:02:52.719 --> 00:03:02.479 man, I understand why. I understand why I was away, Like I 38 00:03:02.560 --> 00:03:07.639 was going through some shit. And another thing is like, I, oh, 39 00:03:07.759 --> 00:03:15.159 I feel like I always get in these these these moments or phases when 40 00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:22.599 I when I feel like I don't when I don't feel inspired to create, 41 00:03:22.759 --> 00:03:25.280 or like don't have ideas to come up with for the podcast or whatever. 42 00:03:25.919 --> 00:03:30.719 And I was in that space for a minute. I'm talking about for months. 43 00:03:30.719 --> 00:03:34.439 I was feeling like that. But a lot of it was because of 44 00:03:34.479 --> 00:03:38.639 what I was going through, what I was dealing with the energy that I 45 00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:42.280 had around me, you know what I'm saying. But also now that I'm 46 00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:46.800 looking back at it in retrospect, I needed to go through those things in 47 00:03:46.919 --> 00:03:50.639 order to come back to the podcast to have something to say, you know, 48 00:03:50.759 --> 00:03:53.439 to have something to share for the Black Girl experience. You got you 49 00:03:53.560 --> 00:03:58.759 gotta experience life, you gotta go through the shit. And I think Another 50 00:03:58.879 --> 00:04:03.560 thing that I have an issue, you with, is like nobody signs up 51 00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:06.479 to be a role model, you know what I'm saying. Celebrities don't sign 52 00:04:06.520 --> 00:04:12.120 a contract to be like, hey, I'm here to you know, be 53 00:04:12.240 --> 00:04:14.879 the best role model for your kid. It's on the parents to raise their 54 00:04:14.919 --> 00:04:17.240 kids or whatever. And even though that's not exactly the same thing, I 55 00:04:17.360 --> 00:04:23.480 kind of feel that way about myself sometimes with the podcast, Like I know 56 00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:25.879 that I have a platform, I know that I have a voice. I 57 00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:29.680 know that I have people that like look up to me or look to me 58 00:04:29.759 --> 00:04:32.560 for advice and all of that, and a lot of times I don't want 59 00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:39.120 to be put up on a pedestal because I'm human and I make mistakes, 60 00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:42.480 you know what I'm saying. And I feel like there's a certain amount of 61 00:04:44.800 --> 00:04:51.000 like embarrassment and shame that comes along with being a human, you know what 62 00:04:51.040 --> 00:04:55.240 I'm saying, like going through shit because I don't. And that's the thing. 63 00:04:55.279 --> 00:04:58.839 I'm not trying to appear perfect to the world, but I just feel 64 00:04:58.839 --> 00:05:00.920 like I have to be on a certain type of path, or a straight 65 00:05:01.040 --> 00:05:05.839 narrow path, you know what I'm saying. With what I'm talking about to 66 00:05:05.879 --> 00:05:12.600 the people that listen to me, you know what I'm saying. Like, 67 00:05:12.720 --> 00:05:16.680 for example, so a lot of times I'm talking about you know, spirituality 68 00:05:16.759 --> 00:05:20.000 or relationships and shit like that, and it's like, you can't be giving 69 00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:25.120 advice about relationships and shit, and you all hear in toxic relationships consciously, 70 00:05:25.399 --> 00:05:28.759 willingly, you know what I'm saying. So it's like, but at the 71 00:05:28.839 --> 00:05:31.240 end of the day, I'm a human and I make mistakes, and you 72 00:05:31.279 --> 00:05:35.319 know, you got to experience life in order to be able to even share 73 00:05:35.360 --> 00:05:41.079 your story or share the lessons that you took from it or whatever. So 74 00:05:41.199 --> 00:05:48.240 that's that. I'm in Dallas now. I'm enjoying it. It has It's 75 00:05:48.240 --> 00:05:51.439 been a little bit of a roller coaster ride. A little bit, not 76 00:05:51.680 --> 00:05:57.199 a little, a lot of bit. It's been a roller coaster ride. 77 00:05:57.319 --> 00:06:03.279 And that's what I'm here to share. I don't even I really don't even 78 00:06:03.279 --> 00:06:05.639 know where to start with all this shit. For real, it's just so 79 00:06:05.839 --> 00:06:12.839 crazy. But I guess let's just take it from the top. I've been 80 00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:18.519 here for three months now, but what I want to share with y'all has 81 00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:24.680 been the last eight months of my life, and it's been very fucking crazy. 82 00:06:26.040 --> 00:06:31.399 I am like researching and learning shit about this every day because it's a 83 00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:33.759 lot. It's a lot to take in and it was a lot to deal 84 00:06:33.800 --> 00:06:41.000 with. But we're gonna start from the top. Get your note pads out 85 00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:58.079 in your pen. Today we are going to be talking about narcissistic abusive relationships. 86 00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:03.480 And I feel like the word narcissist gets thrown around a lot, like 87 00:07:03.519 --> 00:07:08.519 if you're on TikTok or just social media like that. Shit does get thrown 88 00:07:08.519 --> 00:07:13.920 around a lot. And I will say that I didn't really become privy to 89 00:07:14.040 --> 00:07:17.959 it for real until maybe like a few years ago. But I was aware 90 00:07:17.959 --> 00:07:23.240 that I have narcissists in my family. I was aware that I've dated men 91 00:07:23.439 --> 00:07:29.680 with narcissistic tendencies or people that are narcissists and stuff like that. But baby, 92 00:07:30.680 --> 00:07:35.439 this situation took the cake, okay, like it never experienced nothing like 93 00:07:35.480 --> 00:07:39.399 this in my life, never want to ever again. I'm not going to 94 00:07:39.560 --> 00:07:45.040 ever again. But also I feel like it is my duty to share my 95 00:07:45.160 --> 00:07:50.959 experience about it to one be able to raise awareness for people, especially women. 96 00:07:51.199 --> 00:07:56.519 You know what I'm saying, because we go through a lot in relationships 97 00:07:57.279 --> 00:08:00.439 and even if you know about it or know what it is or have experience 98 00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:05.560 it yourself, are in a relationship like that right now, bro leave, 99 00:08:05.279 --> 00:08:13.040 get out immediately for real. Like so yeah, so we're gonna take it 100 00:08:13.079 --> 00:08:18.480 back to eight months ago. So well, first of all, let me 101 00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:20.240 start here. Let me start here. Like I said, I have narcissists 102 00:08:20.240 --> 00:08:26.519 in my family. Yeah, you know, I'm gonna try not to put 103 00:08:26.560 --> 00:08:31.120 too much out there. And you know, nobody, everybody, everybody is 104 00:08:31.320 --> 00:08:35.399 the villain in somebody's story and that's just what it is. But a lot 105 00:08:35.399 --> 00:08:39.440 of people don't want to take accountability for their actions or their ways or you 106 00:08:39.480 --> 00:08:43.080 know, it might be some people that watch this, even in my family, 107 00:08:43.120 --> 00:08:46.480 that are not gonna be happy with what I'm saying. But it's my 108 00:08:46.679 --> 00:08:50.279 truth, you know what I'm saying, This is my experience period. So 109 00:08:50.559 --> 00:09:01.080 I want to start off by saying that my dad is a narciss Love him 110 00:09:01.080 --> 00:09:05.799 from the bottom of my heart, but it is what it is, and 111 00:09:05.879 --> 00:09:09.879 I'm not even gonna go too deep into that. But what I will say 112 00:09:09.919 --> 00:09:16.159 about him is that if y'all don't know, for the most part of my 113 00:09:16.279 --> 00:09:18.879 childhood, like my dad pretty much raised me from the time that I was 114 00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:28.360 like in fifth grade till I graduated from high school. And my dad was 115 00:09:28.399 --> 00:09:35.120 always in different relationships, and anytime that the relationship ended, boom, he 116 00:09:35.159 --> 00:09:39.159 was into a new one. Boom, he was into a new one boom. 117 00:09:39.320 --> 00:09:43.720 Like never took no time to heal for himself, never took time. 118 00:09:43.639 --> 00:09:48.279 I don't even understand that. I don't understand people that cannot be alone, 119 00:09:48.480 --> 00:09:54.039 Like you don't even want to be alone, you don't never taking time for 120 00:09:54.080 --> 00:10:00.159 himself. He's always been in a relationship that's number one, number two, 121 00:10:01.080 --> 00:10:09.480 very toxic relationships. I witnessed a lot growing up, and I feel like 122 00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:15.759 he really wants to like shut down and invalidate what I feel is true for 123 00:10:15.840 --> 00:10:20.200 me about what I've seen, what I witnessed, And I'm like, you 124 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:22.159 can't do that. You can't do that on a black girl experience. You 125 00:10:22.159 --> 00:10:24.120 could do it in my face all you want. You could tell me what 126 00:10:24.200 --> 00:10:28.679 I didn't see. Whatever, jazzmen, you'renna make gas lighting. This is 127 00:10:28.679 --> 00:10:33.960 what I'm bro you whatever, whatever is true for you, it's true for 128 00:10:33.000 --> 00:10:37.879 you, But you cannot change my truth. So he was in a lot 129 00:10:37.879 --> 00:10:46.919 of toxic relationships, you know what I'm saying. And so the crazy party 130 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:52.080 is. Growing up, me and my dad had a really great relationship. 131 00:10:52.120 --> 00:10:54.919 I always felt like that was my road dog. My dad is my best 132 00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:58.840 friend. I guess you could say that I was spoiled, like I never 133 00:10:58.879 --> 00:11:03.000 really wanted for anything. Guys got me everything that I want, like whatever, 134 00:11:03.159 --> 00:11:07.600 Like we had a good relationship. The way that he treated his women 135 00:11:07.679 --> 00:11:13.759 though not cool, you know what I'm saying. But as a child, 136 00:11:13.879 --> 00:11:18.840 as a young girl, I don't really have much to say about that. 137 00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:20.240 You know, I don't really have an opinion about it. I don't really 138 00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:28.080 understand it until I become a young woman myself. A lot of things don't 139 00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:31.759 start making sense until you grow up, you know. But yeah, just 140 00:11:33.039 --> 00:11:35.120 a lot of toxicity, a lot of arguing, a lot of fighting, 141 00:11:35.320 --> 00:11:41.519 a lot of all of that. So in my mind growing up and seeing 142 00:11:41.559 --> 00:11:46.559 that consciously, seeing that, I was always like, I don't ever want 143 00:11:46.600 --> 00:11:48.960 to be in a relationship like that. I don't ever want to have a 144 00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:54.159 spouse to have to argue and fight or be physical or you know what I'm 145 00:11:54.200 --> 00:11:58.759 saying, Like I never wanted those things for myself ever. But I think 146 00:11:58.799 --> 00:12:05.120 on the subconscious, look a homegirl that's dealt with narcissistic not trying to put 147 00:12:05.159 --> 00:12:11.960 her on I'm actually recording right now and I'm talking about narcissistic abuse. Wait, 148 00:12:11.960 --> 00:12:13.960 she said, put her on speaker. I don't know if you let 149 00:12:13.000 --> 00:12:20.000 me see say say what's up to the pod? No, And this is 150 00:12:20.039 --> 00:12:24.440 not even like we both laughing, like it's not funny, but this is 151 00:12:24.480 --> 00:12:28.759 what I'm saying, Like I know so many people that have dealt with this 152 00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:31.000 type of situation. You know what I'm saying. Like, I'll hold it 153 00:12:31.039 --> 00:12:35.240 up, he said, hold it up closer to Mike. So, yeah, 154 00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:37.240 I just told them when you called, I was like, this is 155 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:46.120 my homegirl. I'm like that actually knows about narcissistic abuse, Like, O, 156 00:12:48.960 --> 00:12:56.279 what's the deal? What? What should I ask you? Right? 157 00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:01.440 What? What do you think is the hardest part about I don't know or 158 00:13:01.480 --> 00:13:07.639 what was the hardest part about what you went through with that situation? I 159 00:13:07.679 --> 00:13:13.240 think for me, the hardest part was, you know, coming to times 160 00:13:13.279 --> 00:13:18.639 like the whole situation, the whole right, So like from the outside looking 161 00:13:18.679 --> 00:13:20.080 at people look at me like, oh, you know, she got it 162 00:13:20.120 --> 00:13:24.080 all together, like she has this self esteem, like, ain't no way 163 00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:26.919 a nigga gonna be dogging a out like that, and not to say in 164 00:13:26.960 --> 00:13:31.960 the sense that I was being dogged out by the niggatives, but I couldn't 165 00:13:31.000 --> 00:13:35.320 come to nobody what I was going on, so I think that what was 166 00:13:35.360 --> 00:13:37.320 going on. So I think for me, the hardest part with dealing with 167 00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:41.919 somebody like that was just really like coming in terms with what was going on 168 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:46.919 and not blaming myself about it. Yeah, for anybody else, they'd be 169 00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:50.240 like you, I would have just left. And that's the thing. That's 170 00:13:50.279 --> 00:13:54.360 the thing. That's the thing, Like it's easy to say that, but 171 00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:58.879 to actually be in it and experience it and understand that everything that goes into 172 00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:07.960 with the lies, the manipulation, the control, the betrayal, the it's 173 00:14:07.960 --> 00:14:11.279 so much. Yeah, Like it's so crazy. I'm still dealing with the 174 00:14:11.320 --> 00:14:15.919 same person I don't even talk, still dealing with the situation where they won't 175 00:14:16.279 --> 00:14:18.399 they don't want to let go, they don't want to do right, but 176 00:14:18.440 --> 00:14:20.320 they don't want to let go, and it's and it's like, just leave 177 00:14:20.360 --> 00:14:24.679 me alone. I'm not bothering you, Leave me alone. I literally just 178 00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:28.559 posted a video on Instagram just now like if I'm not bothering you, why 179 00:14:28.600 --> 00:14:31.159 are you bothering me because I'm still being bothered. I'm still being bothered, 180 00:14:33.480 --> 00:14:39.200 but just unfortunate that people like you know, they they so they're so fast, 181 00:14:39.399 --> 00:14:43.600 like oh well, everybody's a nurse in all you can And it's like 182 00:14:43.960 --> 00:14:46.120 that's what I was just saying, Like, like, I feel like the 183 00:14:46.240 --> 00:14:52.559 term gets thrown around a lot, but when you really experience it, like, 184 00:14:52.840 --> 00:14:56.279 no, it's it's next level, bro, it's next level. It's 185 00:14:56.320 --> 00:14:58.960 like you in a sunken place you don't know. Yeah, and then when 186 00:15:00.120 --> 00:15:01.399 and as you're starting to climb out of it, you like, oh my 187 00:15:01.440 --> 00:15:11.480 gosh, like that happen. Mm hmm wow. Okay, well, look 188 00:15:11.480 --> 00:15:13.360 I'm gonna get back to it. I'm still in the beginning talking about I'm 189 00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:16.759 still talking about my dad right now and the relationships that I saw growing up 190 00:15:16.799 --> 00:15:22.399 and how I think subconsciously that did something to me. No, no, 191 00:15:22.879 --> 00:15:28.399 it does. That's that's the trauma that you Yeah, unfortunately it happens when 192 00:15:28.399 --> 00:15:33.799 it's not done the right way. But I love you too. I'll hit 193 00:15:33.840 --> 00:15:41.320 you up when i'm done. Allright, bye. So yeah, I told 194 00:15:41.399 --> 00:15:48.480 y'all this ship is really like I have so many Oh okay, we want 195 00:15:48.480 --> 00:15:52.960 to have people call in. Look, let me get let me get on 196 00:15:52.080 --> 00:16:03.960 live then real quick. Okay, okay, let me ask her if she 197 00:16:03.039 --> 00:16:15.240 gonna want to call back in. Oh, but give me a seck. 198 00:16:17.480 --> 00:16:26.840 So yeah, back to I'll do that in a second. Yeah. So 199 00:16:26.879 --> 00:16:32.320 subconsciously, I think that that did something to me seeing that and like I 200 00:16:32.360 --> 00:16:37.039 said, being a kid, like you know, you don't really understand everything, 201 00:16:37.120 --> 00:16:41.240 but as you get older and you recognize the patterns and stuff like that 202 00:16:41.639 --> 00:16:45.879 in your dating life. And let me say this because I don't want people 203 00:16:45.919 --> 00:16:48.120 to be like, oh, well, you a common denominator, because I 204 00:16:48.120 --> 00:16:51.799 absolutely am. That's the same thing I told my dad because he I remember 205 00:16:51.799 --> 00:16:52.960 one time he tried to tell me like, oh, everybody that I dated 206 00:16:53.080 --> 00:16:57.240 was just crazy and duh and everything was there fun. I'm like, bro, 207 00:16:57.360 --> 00:17:02.320 you're the common denominator. Point. It's not everybody else. Bro, 208 00:17:02.480 --> 00:17:04.759 you play the part. So I do want to say that, and I 209 00:17:04.799 --> 00:17:07.799 think that I do that a lot. I'm proud of myself because I feel 210 00:17:07.839 --> 00:17:14.200 like I always take accountability. I always take accountability for the roles that I 211 00:17:14.240 --> 00:17:18.200 play and the shit that I be in. Like, you got to understand 212 00:17:18.200 --> 00:17:22.000 that you are a co creator in every situation in your life, so don't 213 00:17:22.079 --> 00:17:26.519 run from that. So I absolutely take accountability. I think that I attract 214 00:17:26.519 --> 00:17:32.039 these certain type of individuals again, gotta unpack that trauma, Gotta unpack, 215 00:17:32.400 --> 00:17:36.000 you know, just learn behaviors and the shit that I saw. I think 216 00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:41.680 that's a part of it. But I absolutely take accountability for being in the 217 00:17:41.759 --> 00:17:47.160 situations that I've been in. Even with my child's father. We ain't gonna 218 00:17:47.160 --> 00:17:51.440 dig all the way into that, but that situation too, like it's it's 219 00:17:51.480 --> 00:18:00.519 it's definitely a pattern. It's definitely a pattern. So all right, are 220 00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:03.640 we gonna jump in now to eight months ago? I guess so. So 221 00:18:06.200 --> 00:18:10.960 eight months ago was February twenty twenty three. At that time, I was 222 00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:17.240 finishing up yoga teacher training. I became a yoga instructor. I started working 223 00:18:17.279 --> 00:18:25.119 at a yoga studio in Detroit, and a part of that, like a 224 00:18:25.160 --> 00:18:29.279 part of that was really big for me because I really thought I wouldn't gon 225 00:18:29.319 --> 00:18:32.160 have to work no full time job ever again, which is actually kind of 226 00:18:32.160 --> 00:18:36.599 crazy to probably think that, But you know, I'm also an entrepreneur. 227 00:18:36.640 --> 00:18:38.279 I got a black girl experience. I'm really been trying to get this shit 228 00:18:38.279 --> 00:18:42.599 off the ground for five years now, but whatever. But y'all know, 229 00:18:42.640 --> 00:18:48.880 I'm not really a nine to five type person. So I was going down 230 00:18:48.920 --> 00:18:52.319 that avenue to really find something that I love to do, all of that 231 00:18:52.440 --> 00:18:56.079 whatever. But at the end of the day, just being a yoga teacher 232 00:18:56.119 --> 00:19:00.319 itself is not gonna pay the bills. It's not not. But I live 233 00:19:00.319 --> 00:19:04.519 it to death. So I became a yoga teacher. I was finishing that. 234 00:19:04.759 --> 00:19:10.000 Uh you know, good shit whatever, still looking for jobs in Detroit. 235 00:19:11.559 --> 00:19:12.519 And if you don't know, or if you do know, if you're 236 00:19:12.519 --> 00:19:15.680 a faithful listener and keep up with the pie, y'all know that I have 237 00:19:15.759 --> 00:19:19.640 already moved out of state twice, so I've already tried this before. But 238 00:19:21.079 --> 00:19:22.160 you know, just trying to find my path, trying to find my way, 239 00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:26.440 trying to find my footing whatever. Nobody will let me not say nobody. 240 00:19:26.519 --> 00:19:29.440 I don't want to live in Detroit for the rest of my life. 241 00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:32.880 I've lived there for thirty three years, you know what I'm saying. So 242 00:19:33.240 --> 00:19:37.079 it was always a plan to get the fuck on again. Period. So 243 00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:42.519 I finished up with that. And you know, I'm an Instagram girl. 244 00:19:42.559 --> 00:19:48.400 I'm not like that. But I love Instagram. I spent a lot of 245 00:19:48.440 --> 00:19:53.039 my time there. So you know, on the following feed's gonna show you 246 00:19:55.759 --> 00:19:59.839 what you're most interested what you're most interested in. There's there's an algorithm. 247 00:20:00.440 --> 00:20:03.039 So most of my shit on my following feed is like nails, probably hair 248 00:20:03.160 --> 00:20:07.920 shit, yoga shit, working out like that type of shit, Little motivational 249 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:15.519 quotes, little funny memes like that's all my following feed is. So one 250 00:20:15.599 --> 00:20:21.920 day I came across this guy's page and it was a video of him talking 251 00:20:22.000 --> 00:20:27.640 about like he was waking up every day at three am to do yoga and 252 00:20:27.960 --> 00:20:32.200 whatever, and so I went on his page and I'm like, Oh, 253 00:20:32.319 --> 00:20:34.880 this nigga, like the real deal, like this really do yoga. And 254 00:20:34.920 --> 00:20:41.039 to me, that's intriguing because number one, a lot of black people don't 255 00:20:41.039 --> 00:20:45.240 do yoga, not that I know it for real, and yoga is gonna 256 00:20:45.240 --> 00:20:49.480 come up in Detroit, but you know, a lot of black people don't 257 00:20:49.519 --> 00:20:52.200 really do yoga. And that's the thing, like in the yoga world. 258 00:20:52.200 --> 00:20:57.160 I feel like there's not a lot of representation for black people in the yoga 259 00:20:57.200 --> 00:21:02.559 world. And shout out to Glow with Row Fitness on Instagram that's my homegirl 260 00:21:02.559 --> 00:21:07.079 friend. She and CALLI now, but she's doing yoga now. She's a 261 00:21:07.079 --> 00:21:10.920 finished instructor and she's a yoga instructor and like she found a space for black 262 00:21:11.039 --> 00:21:15.480 like created a space, I should say, for black people and so and 263 00:21:15.519 --> 00:21:18.000 shout out to all my yogi's and you know, all of that, all 264 00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:22.519 of y'all, all y'all. But anyway, so I'm looking at this guy's 265 00:21:22.599 --> 00:21:26.079 page and I'm like, he's the real deal, Like, you know, 266 00:21:26.160 --> 00:21:29.839 he really do yoga for real. And to me, that's, like I 267 00:21:29.880 --> 00:21:33.160 said, I'm very intrigued because a lot of black people, let alone black 268 00:21:33.200 --> 00:21:37.279 men, are not doing yoga. So I'm already like, hmm okay. 269 00:21:37.200 --> 00:21:41.519 So I'm just scrawling his page. And then he was talking about how like 270 00:21:41.559 --> 00:21:45.279 he was on the run, and I guess that's why he started doing yoga, 271 00:21:45.279 --> 00:21:47.880 because he was on the run trying to find some type of peace or 272 00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:52.000 whatever. H saw that he had did a significant amount of time in jail 273 00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:56.079 at one point in his life, but turned his life around and was saying 274 00:21:56.079 --> 00:21:59.839 that yoga changed his life. So I'm like, that's dope. I probably 275 00:21:59.880 --> 00:22:04.799 like a couple of videos, I think, I commented on one. Then 276 00:22:04.839 --> 00:22:10.119 he hopped in my DM and asked me where I was from, so, 277 00:22:10.880 --> 00:22:14.039 you know, west side of my better moths like just went. But now 278 00:22:14.079 --> 00:22:17.160 I'm like, I'm from Detroit whatever. So we get to chatting in the 279 00:22:17.279 --> 00:22:18.480 DM or whatever, and you know, I'm just like, you know, 280 00:22:18.599 --> 00:22:22.519 that's real cool. What you doing, Like I really admire that, blase 281 00:22:22.720 --> 00:22:29.119 blah whatever. So you know, it was just cool. And then like 282 00:22:29.240 --> 00:22:30.799 I don't know, I feel like I was like comment on or you know, 283 00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:34.920 just responded to his stories and shit like that. He told me that 284 00:22:36.079 --> 00:22:38.400 he he lived in Dallas, but he wasn't from there. He had like 285 00:22:38.519 --> 00:22:42.000 moved there two years ago. It was in school, working whatever, just 286 00:22:42.079 --> 00:22:45.759 all this shit, all this good shit, right, and I'm like cool, 287 00:22:45.880 --> 00:22:48.680 cool, cool. So then of course it's like, oh, like 288 00:22:48.920 --> 00:22:52.880 you I don't know, I got to come to Dallas one day, but 289 00:22:52.079 --> 00:22:56.039 I always had said that I wanted to come to Texas, specifically Houston. 290 00:22:56.160 --> 00:23:00.680 But I'm like, yeah, I want to come to Dallas one day and 291 00:23:00.720 --> 00:23:06.519 then you know, let's go do yoga together whatever. So we're chatting about 292 00:23:06.720 --> 00:23:11.039 that, and then it was just little shit. You know, I'm real 293 00:23:11.119 --> 00:23:15.200 big on the synchronicities and all of that. I'm like, that's crazy that 294 00:23:15.279 --> 00:23:19.640 we got the same initials. That's crazy that both of our birthdays are in 295 00:23:19.759 --> 00:23:23.440 March. That's crazy that we both Pisces. That's crazy. Like just all 296 00:23:23.519 --> 00:23:26.839 this little weird shit, and I'm like, okay, whatever, and we 297 00:23:26.960 --> 00:23:32.799 talking about angel numbers and twin flames and all this all this bullshit whatever, 298 00:23:32.960 --> 00:23:41.480 right, And so yeah, we said something about me coming to Dallas. 299 00:23:42.279 --> 00:23:48.839 So at this point we have exchange phone numbers, were talking on the phone, 300 00:23:48.880 --> 00:23:51.839 we texting, we're face timing, We're doing all of the things. 301 00:23:53.359 --> 00:23:57.680 I'm not gonna lie. I was on it a little harder than him at 302 00:23:57.759 --> 00:24:02.240 first, and he was being like very modest, and I'm not gonna lie 303 00:24:02.279 --> 00:24:07.319 with guys that kind of be a turn on, like when I got nobody 304 00:24:07.400 --> 00:24:11.079 wants a nigga that's thirsty, you know, if you it's like, uh, 305 00:24:11.400 --> 00:24:14.279 you know. But so he was kind of modest, but I think 306 00:24:14.319 --> 00:24:17.400 it was because of his situation. So he wasn't in a relationship, but 307 00:24:17.480 --> 00:24:21.400 he had a little situation or whatever, and so he didn't really he wasn't 308 00:24:21.519 --> 00:24:25.319 that forthcoming about that at first, but later on down the line that came 309 00:24:25.359 --> 00:24:29.440 out. But anyway, so we're talking basically every day like we're kicking it, 310 00:24:29.559 --> 00:24:32.799 you know what I'm saying. We're kicking it pretty tough, so tough 311 00:24:32.920 --> 00:24:34.680 enough to the point where I'm like, hey, I'm a fly out there 312 00:24:36.119 --> 00:24:40.519 for a weekend, and mind you, I've never done no shit like this, 313 00:24:40.960 --> 00:24:45.480 Like but nigga, I'm living life. You know, yolo, you 314 00:24:45.599 --> 00:24:52.359 only live once, so fuck it. I booked a flight to go to 315 00:24:52.480 --> 00:24:57.759 Dallas. I was supposed to be coming here Saint Patrick's Day weekend. And 316 00:25:00.759 --> 00:25:03.680 I also need to pull my phone out because I have some first of all, 317 00:25:03.759 --> 00:25:07.119 this right here is all of the first We're gonna get to that at 318 00:25:07.160 --> 00:25:10.759 a minute. That was just little stuff that I wrote down because I didn't 319 00:25:10.799 --> 00:25:12.039 want to forget anything. So I might have to go back and review that, 320 00:25:12.160 --> 00:25:14.920 or maybe I'll just talk about that at the end. I don't know, 321 00:25:15.480 --> 00:25:22.359 but so I booked the flight. I am aware of his little situation 322 00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:27.319 or whatever at this point, and I guess that. I guess once he 323 00:25:27.400 --> 00:25:30.759 started talking to me, he started moving funny in his situation and so, 324 00:25:32.119 --> 00:25:34.559 but they were, according to him, they weren't together. I don't know 325 00:25:34.599 --> 00:25:37.559 if they ever whatever niggas be lying. I don't know, but you know, 326 00:25:37.839 --> 00:25:41.359 I can't really speak on that situation. But whatever, so he started 327 00:25:41.400 --> 00:25:48.279 moving Funny, that situation kind of like fizzled out. So again we're talking 328 00:25:48.359 --> 00:25:52.759 every day. Whatever. One thing that I will a couple things I'll say, 329 00:25:56.440 --> 00:26:02.079 pay attention to the red flags. Write that down. Pay attention to 330 00:26:02.200 --> 00:26:07.200 the red flags. Don't stick around to see how red the flag could get. 331 00:26:07.000 --> 00:26:11.519 Take off the rolls colored glasses. Stop acting like it's pink. It's 332 00:26:11.640 --> 00:26:17.680 future, it's it's my GENTI. It's like, pay attention to the red 333 00:26:17.720 --> 00:26:27.759 flags. Number two, what you accept or allow or tolerate is what the 334 00:26:27.839 --> 00:26:32.680 fuck is gonna happen. It's not gonna get better, it's only gonna get 335 00:26:32.759 --> 00:26:40.319 worse. So you gotta you gotta put your foot down and stand on all 336 00:26:40.400 --> 00:26:44.480 ten like I'm not going for that's what Like it's really one and done. 337 00:26:44.839 --> 00:26:48.240 It should really be one and done. You know what I'm saying. People 338 00:26:48.359 --> 00:26:52.279 do make mistakes, but also things are choices. It's a choice, you 339 00:26:52.359 --> 00:26:55.240 know what I'm saying. I feel like, if you really love somebody, 340 00:26:55.279 --> 00:26:57.839 if you really care about somebody, you're not gonna intentionally try to hurt them. 341 00:26:59.000 --> 00:27:02.279 You're not gonna purposely do things. You're not gonna play them little ass 342 00:27:02.519 --> 00:27:06.039 kid games with people. You know what I'm saying, Like we're grown. 343 00:27:06.400 --> 00:27:07.640 We're grown, and even as a kid, I don't even respect that as 344 00:27:07.640 --> 00:27:14.960 a kid, even like I I thought about this the other day. Sidebar, 345 00:27:15.039 --> 00:27:19.519 you know what I don't like about niggas is that I hate when niggas 346 00:27:19.519 --> 00:27:22.200 try to play the card. They played a high school card, like if 347 00:27:22.200 --> 00:27:26.920 you dated a dude in high school or whatever, and not necessarily me. 348 00:27:26.000 --> 00:27:29.759 I was thinking about one of my homegirls with this situation, like I ain't 349 00:27:29.759 --> 00:27:33.200 gonna lie this. Nigga dogged her out, like just treated her like trash 350 00:27:33.279 --> 00:27:37.920 for real, and she's a very good person. And it's like niggasi always 351 00:27:37.960 --> 00:27:40.880 be like, well that's when I was young, That's when like, but 352 00:27:41.079 --> 00:27:44.240 you know right from wrong. You don't have to mistreat, you know, 353 00:27:44.599 --> 00:27:48.319 Like I don't like that. But anyway, so yeah, so pay attention 354 00:27:48.359 --> 00:27:55.160 to the red flax and you know it should really just be one and done. 355 00:27:55.240 --> 00:27:57.839 You you fuck over once, that's too bad, You're X out. 356 00:27:57.880 --> 00:28:07.400 You lost your chance. So I done booked the flight, and I want 357 00:28:07.400 --> 00:28:11.200 to say, like two little incidents happen, like where I just was like, 358 00:28:12.359 --> 00:28:15.960 you're disrespectful. You know what I'm saying, just just some little just 359 00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:21.640 some little subtle shit. But it's like, bro, you're disrespectful. And 360 00:28:21.759 --> 00:28:23.559 I don't care if we're not in a relationship. It's just certain things that 361 00:28:23.640 --> 00:28:26.680 you don't do or say to people, you know what I'm saying, just 362 00:28:26.960 --> 00:28:32.279 out of respect, period. And the fact that he thought that was okay, 363 00:28:33.519 --> 00:28:34.839 and the fact that I was. And and this is the thing. 364 00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:38.400 So after these two little incidents happened, I don't know how far apart they 365 00:28:38.480 --> 00:28:45.400 were, but whatever, it happened, and I remember I blocked him on 366 00:28:45.799 --> 00:28:49.240 everything. This is after I booked the flight. I blocked him on everything, 367 00:28:49.359 --> 00:28:55.319 Instagram, on my phone with I'm like, you're disrespectful. Like so 368 00:28:56.440 --> 00:29:00.680 I want to say, like maybe the next day he called me private of 369 00:29:00.839 --> 00:29:07.079 course, dang, you blocked me and Dad we had I don't know, 370 00:29:07.279 --> 00:29:11.160 over an hour long conversation whatever. I don't even remember what the whole conversation 371 00:29:11.480 --> 00:29:15.319 was. If he actually apologized, I don't, I don't really remember, 372 00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:18.799 but you know, so he wanted to get back in my good graces. 373 00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:23.400 Oh and after I blocked him, I canceled the flight. I was like, 374 00:29:23.559 --> 00:29:29.480 it's no way, so okay, sidebar. Another thing, I canceled 375 00:29:29.559 --> 00:29:32.319 the flight. I ended up booking a flight to go to Atlanta to visit 376 00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:37.799 my cousin that weekend. Another thing, another red flag to me, was 377 00:29:37.880 --> 00:29:42.000 that he will always anytime that he talked about anybody that he dated in the 378 00:29:42.119 --> 00:29:47.079 past, or the situation before me or whatever, he will always say stuff 379 00:29:47.119 --> 00:29:48.160 like, yeah, well I got everything I could up out of her. 380 00:29:49.759 --> 00:29:53.680 And I'm like, that sounds like you're a user, Like are you using 381 00:29:53.799 --> 00:29:57.359 people? Like it? Just it was just all these little different situations and 382 00:29:57.440 --> 00:30:02.160 I'm like, he sounded like he be whusing people. And so again, 383 00:30:02.640 --> 00:30:07.279 we didn't you know what I'm saying. We didn't kicked it whatever. We 384 00:30:07.720 --> 00:30:10.440 you know whatever, we locked in to a certain extent, and we didn't 385 00:30:10.519 --> 00:30:15.599 make you know, playing like yoga plans and content plans and all of this. 386 00:30:17.119 --> 00:30:18.960 So when that happened and I blocked him and I and I canceled the 387 00:30:19.000 --> 00:30:22.079 flight, I'm like, man, he was probably gonna try to use me, 388 00:30:22.279 --> 00:30:23.759 you know what I'm saying. So I just had all this in my 389 00:30:23.880 --> 00:30:27.480 head and again this is my intuition telling me this and whatever, like girl, 390 00:30:29.319 --> 00:30:33.000 leave it alone. Whatever. So anyway, so after that we had 391 00:30:33.119 --> 00:30:34.480 ended up, like I said, he had called me, we ended up 392 00:30:34.480 --> 00:30:41.839 talking again. I unblocked him. I ended up going to Atlanta that weekend, 393 00:30:44.000 --> 00:30:45.799 and I ain't gonna lie. You know. It wasn't really a good 394 00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:49.039 trip. The weather was shitty. I didn't really want to be there. 395 00:30:49.720 --> 00:30:52.279 He I talked to him the whole time that I was there. He was 396 00:30:52.359 --> 00:30:56.200 calling me like crazy, I'm like, not you calling me now, you 397 00:30:56.240 --> 00:30:56.920 know what I'm saying, like, oh, you should be here, you 398 00:30:56.920 --> 00:31:03.880 should be here, blah blah blah whatever. So what Oh, I vividly 399 00:31:03.920 --> 00:31:08.039 remember the conversations that we had when I was there, like so may y'all 400 00:31:10.200 --> 00:31:14.200 even though I'm telling y'all the last eight months of my life. So all 401 00:31:14.240 --> 00:31:18.079 of this shit happened super fast. That's another red flag narcissistic relationships. That 402 00:31:18.160 --> 00:31:22.799 type of shit, it moves very fast. So and not to say that 403 00:31:22.920 --> 00:31:26.079 it was just him moving fast, because it was me too, but still 404 00:31:26.240 --> 00:31:32.720 that's a red flag. So mind you, like, we really kicking it 405 00:31:32.880 --> 00:31:40.559 tough, like we're talking for real, and so we're talking about like so, 406 00:31:40.920 --> 00:31:42.000 you know, like I said, I've moved out of the state twice 407 00:31:42.079 --> 00:31:47.279 before that. I never planned on staying in Detroit. I'm still like, 408 00:31:47.359 --> 00:31:51.359 you know, I want to go somewhere else again and just whatever, start 409 00:31:51.440 --> 00:31:55.079 over, you know, new opportunities, blah blah blah, all of that. 410 00:31:55.799 --> 00:31:59.279 So one of the things that we was talking about, Oh, I 411 00:31:59.599 --> 00:32:02.039 remember him vividly saying this on the phone, like, well, I don't 412 00:32:02.039 --> 00:32:06.119 want to do no long distance relationship and all of this, and dah, 413 00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:09.279 da da dah. I'm like, okay, well, you know, but 414 00:32:09.359 --> 00:32:14.119 in my mind, I'm like, I can't move tomorrow or whatever. But 415 00:32:14.319 --> 00:32:17.039 we were having conversation. That's not that's letting you know how serious it was. 416 00:32:17.680 --> 00:32:22.680 So we having all those conversations blah blah blah talking about, you know, 417 00:32:23.279 --> 00:32:27.920 getting myself in a good position for my son as well, you know 418 00:32:28.000 --> 00:32:30.599 what I'm saying, But off off the rip. I'm like, if I 419 00:32:30.680 --> 00:32:32.960 go somewhere, you know, i'ma I'm gonna let him stay with his dad 420 00:32:34.039 --> 00:32:37.039 so I could really get myself together. And that's what I've been trying to 421 00:32:37.079 --> 00:32:40.039 do for the past couple of years, like just really get myself established and 422 00:32:40.119 --> 00:32:44.799 really get on my feet, because I feel that I was always the primary 423 00:32:44.920 --> 00:32:47.480 parent in that situation, and I allowed, I don't want to say aloud, 424 00:32:47.559 --> 00:32:51.599 but allowed you to live your life and you know what I'm saying, 425 00:32:51.640 --> 00:32:55.279 and allow you to become established and get your shit together. So extend me 426 00:32:55.400 --> 00:32:58.720 that same grace. Do the same for me. You know what I'm saying. 427 00:32:58.920 --> 00:33:01.319 It shouldn't be fucked me. Bit you struggling at like you know what 428 00:33:01.359 --> 00:33:07.000 I'm saying, Like that's that's crazy to me. But so whatever, So 429 00:33:07.559 --> 00:33:12.920 that conversation whatever. I get back to Detroit, so of course we're back 430 00:33:12.960 --> 00:33:16.519 talking at this point. Whatever, I'm like, all right, we could 431 00:33:16.559 --> 00:33:23.960 try it again. I book another flight to Dallas. This time I was 432 00:33:24.079 --> 00:33:31.039 gonna go sink on the MYO weekend minu is it had sat Patrick's dight weekend 433 00:33:31.079 --> 00:33:45.359 had just passed March twenty third. This nigga ends up going to jail because 434 00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:51.319 he violated his probation. I'll never forget this day either. When he called 435 00:33:51.359 --> 00:33:52.599 me, he was just so calm, like I don't know how long I'm 436 00:33:52.599 --> 00:33:58.400 gonna be here, blah da dae whatever. But at this point we're locked 437 00:33:58.440 --> 00:34:02.079 in. Now. No, here's the thing. I've never talked to a 438 00:34:02.200 --> 00:34:06.680 man in jail. I've never like I always steered away from like talking to 439 00:34:06.759 --> 00:34:08.840 hood niggas or anything, and not that he was on that, but he 440 00:34:08.960 --> 00:34:14.079 also did do a significant amount of time in jail before. But I never 441 00:34:14.119 --> 00:34:16.800 talked to somebody in jail, you know whatever. So in my mind, 442 00:34:17.000 --> 00:34:22.760 I'm like, man, when is these costs gonna start costing? When is 443 00:34:22.960 --> 00:34:25.719 you know, when is all this stuff gonna start having it? So whatever? 444 00:34:27.760 --> 00:34:30.599 Oh and so when he went to jail, he actually went to he 445 00:34:30.760 --> 00:34:35.400 had to go back to his hometown and go to jail, so he wasn't 446 00:34:35.440 --> 00:34:37.679 in Doubas. He had to go back to his hometown. So he went 447 00:34:37.719 --> 00:34:40.559 to jail in his hometown. The first few calls was free. We was 448 00:34:40.639 --> 00:34:45.920 talking and shit, and then like he had a little tabling, you had 449 00:34:45.960 --> 00:34:50.280 to add money on that, and then the call start costing and in the 450 00:34:50.360 --> 00:34:52.760 day start going by, and it's like, we don't know how long you're 451 00:34:52.760 --> 00:34:59.519 gonna be in jail, but here I am because at this point I'm already 452 00:34:59.599 --> 00:35:01.199 in you know what I'm saying, I'm already locked in at this point. 453 00:35:01.280 --> 00:35:06.039 So I'm just like whatever, like what and this is something that I'm choosing 454 00:35:06.119 --> 00:35:10.440 to do again. Accountability. I'm choosing to do this. That's cool. 455 00:35:10.519 --> 00:35:14.079 This is I'm choosing to be here. I'm choosing, you know, I'm 456 00:35:14.880 --> 00:35:22.719 accountability. So I'm taking these calls. I'm paying for these casts. Okay, 457 00:35:23.159 --> 00:35:28.360 mind you, I don't have a full time job. I'm teaching yoga 458 00:35:28.400 --> 00:35:31.719 and that's not a full time that ain't no full time salary. But again, 459 00:35:32.239 --> 00:35:35.880 this is something that I'm choosing to do because I'm fucking with you, 460 00:35:36.199 --> 00:35:44.559 you know what I'm saying. So I'm paying for these calls. We start 461 00:35:44.599 --> 00:35:49.079 writing letters like I never I never saw this for myself, and this is 462 00:35:49.199 --> 00:35:53.039 like, this is what I mean about like feeling apprehensive about what I share. 463 00:35:53.159 --> 00:35:59.400 But like, how am I ever going to inspire somebody or touch somebody 464 00:35:59.480 --> 00:36:04.199 if I'm not real about my experience, you know what I'm saying. And 465 00:36:04.360 --> 00:36:07.519 we all, I feel like we all make bad decisions and relationships and in 466 00:36:07.639 --> 00:36:12.199 life whatever. You know what I'm saying. So whatever put me on the 467 00:36:12.280 --> 00:36:17.360 chopping block. So we're writing. So okay, when we get to the 468 00:36:17.440 --> 00:36:22.800 writing letters part, he has said it was something I don't know why this 469 00:36:22.840 --> 00:36:29.519 stands out to me. He has said something about like really like just being 470 00:36:29.639 --> 00:36:32.519 completely honest and like just being vulnerable, you know, just about like really 471 00:36:32.679 --> 00:36:39.480 sharing everything, and like about my situation too, about like my living situation, 472 00:36:40.599 --> 00:36:45.800 like my finances, why I am where I am right now, And 473 00:36:45.960 --> 00:36:51.239 I feel like I don't really have a problem sharing that, but something about 474 00:36:51.800 --> 00:36:54.199 I don't know why, I just remember feeling some type of way about him 475 00:36:54.239 --> 00:36:57.880 saying I don't know, but I know that if you're gonna be in a 476 00:36:57.920 --> 00:37:00.519 relationship with somebody, obviously you gotta be honest, you know what I'm saying. 477 00:37:00.559 --> 00:37:04.119 But it was just something about it that always made me feel like, 478 00:37:06.199 --> 00:37:12.960 I don't know, like really just bearing your soul, just telling everything, 479 00:37:13.360 --> 00:37:16.079 like and later on down the line, I feel like he used all of 480 00:37:16.119 --> 00:37:20.079 that stuff against me, you know what I'm saying. I let my guard 481 00:37:20.159 --> 00:37:23.760 down, I was honest, I was vulnerable, and I feel like and 482 00:37:23.840 --> 00:37:27.960 another thing that he just did in this situation period would just take my kindness 483 00:37:28.039 --> 00:37:35.159 for weakness. So anyway, we're writing letters all of that. In the 484 00:37:35.239 --> 00:37:38.920 beginning, he will always like try to have me call like his friends, 485 00:37:39.039 --> 00:37:43.119 his family, everybody, and I'm like, bro, call these niggas on 486 00:37:43.199 --> 00:37:45.159 your own. Why you got me? You know what I'm saying like, 487 00:37:45.320 --> 00:37:47.559 you can make these calls on your own. So he kind of chilled on, 488 00:37:47.760 --> 00:37:51.400 like the friends and all of that shit. But I was like calling 489 00:37:51.440 --> 00:37:58.159 his family and shit on the phone all three way blah blah blah. And 490 00:38:00.800 --> 00:38:02.000 he had me calling, He had me call his parents and shit. He 491 00:38:02.039 --> 00:38:07.320 had me call his sister, one of his sisters. Me and his sister 492 00:38:07.559 --> 00:38:15.840 ended up building a rapport, creating a very tight bond. Like his sister 493 00:38:15.199 --> 00:38:23.679 is a mother as well. You know we she she didnet lived her life 494 00:38:23.760 --> 00:38:25.719 too, She didn't dealt with niggas. You know what I'm saying. I 495 00:38:27.000 --> 00:38:31.639 have friends that have and not again not to say that I completely just uprooted 496 00:38:31.719 --> 00:38:35.880 my life and went to Dallas because of him, But I've had friends that 497 00:38:35.960 --> 00:38:37.320 have moved because of guys, you know what I'm saying. So whatever, 498 00:38:37.480 --> 00:38:40.119 So just a whole bunch of shit. Whatever. We was always talking, 499 00:38:40.199 --> 00:38:45.960 just super cool. Another red flag and another thing about narcissistic abusive relationships is 500 00:38:49.679 --> 00:38:58.519 triangulation. A narcissist will try to triangulate you with anybody, family, with 501 00:38:58.679 --> 00:39:05.440 the X, with the motherfucking bugeyman, like they always want you fighting or 502 00:39:05.719 --> 00:39:09.920 like you over them about whatever just and they they love chaos. They thrive 503 00:39:10.039 --> 00:39:15.239 in chaos and confusion that you know what I'm saying. So mind you you 504 00:39:15.360 --> 00:39:20.639 got me calling your family and again we're fucking with each other, so you 505 00:39:20.679 --> 00:39:22.679 would think, like you want me to be cool with your family? Right. 506 00:39:24.239 --> 00:39:29.920 He had the biggest problem in the world with me being cool with his 507 00:39:30.039 --> 00:39:32.280 sister. And I just could not understand why. I'm like, bro, 508 00:39:34.039 --> 00:39:37.599 you introduced me to her, You got me talking to her, you know 509 00:39:37.639 --> 00:39:39.480 what I'm saying, Like she don't need to be telling you my biz. 510 00:39:39.679 --> 00:39:43.679 I'm like, what do you think she's gonna tell me? Like I feel 511 00:39:43.760 --> 00:39:45.559 like I should know everything about you, right, Like what is she gonna 512 00:39:45.559 --> 00:39:51.159 tell me that I don't already know? Why he would tell me to block 513 00:39:51.280 --> 00:39:54.239 her like and I'm like why. And at the end of the day, 514 00:39:54.320 --> 00:39:59.239 like his family was, you know, giving him money in this when in 515 00:39:59.360 --> 00:40:02.400 this in this time when he was in jail or whatever. Uh, But 516 00:40:04.159 --> 00:40:07.360 I was really talking to his sister, damn near every day and me and 517 00:40:07.480 --> 00:40:09.760 her was putting money on the phone to do like you know what I'm saying. 518 00:40:12.119 --> 00:40:15.639 Whatever, So and it was just it was a lot of mistreatment towards 519 00:40:15.719 --> 00:40:21.440 her too. It was just a lot of just disrespect, like I don't 520 00:40:21.679 --> 00:40:24.920 I don't get disrespected and mistreating the people closest to you. That's wildest fuck 521 00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:39.719 to me. But again red Flag, So mmmm again writing letters? Now 522 00:40:39.760 --> 00:40:44.039 I'm getting into it with a nigga in jail. What are you actually? 523 00:40:44.079 --> 00:40:45.239 I do know what you're mad at. You're mad if you're in jail. 524 00:40:45.280 --> 00:40:50.440 You know what I'm saying. Who else do you have to to put your 525 00:40:50.559 --> 00:40:53.599 bad energy off phone? Take, you know, take your frustrations out on 526 00:40:53.800 --> 00:40:57.960 the person closest to you. I guess that's not how I wrote. That's 527 00:40:58.000 --> 00:41:00.800 not what I do. But you know what, so that was happening. 528 00:41:01.840 --> 00:41:05.960 Now I'm getting into it with you now I'm getting cussed out in letters. 529 00:41:06.119 --> 00:41:10.039 Then you sorry? Then it like just just very toxic. And speaking of 530 00:41:10.159 --> 00:41:22.079 toxic another red Flag. He always glorified toxicity from the beginning, and that 531 00:41:22.199 --> 00:41:25.920 was just very weird to me, Like you're grown as fuck. Like you 532 00:41:25.960 --> 00:41:30.039 know, I know a lot of niggas love future and all, like people 533 00:41:30.039 --> 00:41:32.159 will really be on this little toxic wave on the internet, but like it 534 00:41:32.320 --> 00:41:36.519 was just like, oh d toxic and I'm like, bro, you are 535 00:41:36.679 --> 00:41:42.320 too grown to I don't know, but he really is toxic. It's hell. 536 00:41:44.760 --> 00:41:46.400 So anyway, where else was I writing letters? All of that, 537 00:41:46.760 --> 00:41:51.079 just all the back and forth. So okay, okay, we're in April 538 00:41:51.159 --> 00:41:53.920 now, I'll never forget this day. It was like April fifteen. I 539 00:41:53.960 --> 00:41:55.760 had just got my hair done. He was calling me while I was at 540 00:41:55.800 --> 00:42:00.960 the shop. I was looking like this, okay, So he called me 541 00:42:00.079 --> 00:42:02.960 like, hey, I'm getting out, called my call my sister. Not 542 00:42:04.119 --> 00:42:06.159 you want me to call call the girl. You don't want me to be 543 00:42:06.280 --> 00:42:08.599 cool with, call my sister, Da da da da. I'm getting out. 544 00:42:08.639 --> 00:42:12.679 I don't know what's gonna happen. So now they're moving him from his 545 00:42:12.800 --> 00:42:19.159 hometown back to Texas, but he goes to jail there. It's not over. 546 00:42:19.960 --> 00:42:25.199 So again, putting money on the phone, take taking taking accountability for 547 00:42:25.280 --> 00:42:28.719 this is what I'm choosing to do. Whatever, Still writing letters, blah 548 00:42:28.719 --> 00:42:32.320 blah. Again, it's it's a lot of outside stuff going on to you 549 00:42:32.360 --> 00:42:35.320 know what I'm saying. It was a lot of times where I felt like 550 00:42:36.440 --> 00:42:38.000 I don't even know if I want to tell him what's really going on on 551 00:42:38.079 --> 00:42:42.760 the outside, because I don't want to stress you out even more you know 552 00:42:42.800 --> 00:42:46.480 what I'm saying. That's the thing. Here, I am being alike to 553 00:42:46.599 --> 00:42:51.159 you. Here, I am being positive energy to you, trying to pour 554 00:42:51.239 --> 00:42:53.719 into you mentally, emotionally, spiritually and be there for you again. Like 555 00:42:54.480 --> 00:42:58.800 we was cool, you know, we like at first whenever. You know 556 00:42:58.840 --> 00:43:00.199 what I'm saying, we were cool. So so on top of the fact 557 00:43:00.239 --> 00:43:05.199 that I thought we was doing something here, you know, but whatever, 558 00:43:05.360 --> 00:43:13.119 So all of that, we're still and that's the thing. So we're making 559 00:43:13.159 --> 00:43:20.639 plans. It's five fifty five. We're making plans, uh, all while 560 00:43:20.719 --> 00:43:22.159 he's in jail, and y'all gonna be like, bitch, you is de 561 00:43:22.360 --> 00:43:29.159 Lou Lou. I'm talking about marriage a kid, uh, being like a 562 00:43:29.320 --> 00:43:32.199 black yoga couple, you know, just all of this shit. But again 563 00:43:32.320 --> 00:43:37.480 it's it makes sense to me because you know whatever, so planning all of 564 00:43:37.519 --> 00:43:44.039 this stuff. But then again, there's a thing called jail talk. So 565 00:43:44.159 --> 00:43:47.920 whatever, making all of these plans. Let's see it gets to May now. 566 00:43:47.960 --> 00:43:52.239 Remember I booked the ticket for Sinco de Mayo weekend, so it was 567 00:43:52.280 --> 00:43:57.599 probably a couple of days before he went to court, and he didn't get 568 00:43:57.639 --> 00:44:05.280 out, so he had to like get a lawyer and all this other shit. 569 00:44:05.599 --> 00:44:10.840 So I ended up canceling the flight, still talking to his sister. 570 00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:15.920 He was always mad whatever, stopped talking to her, and still need still 571 00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:17.400 needed us on out. You know what I'm saying, You still need everybody 572 00:44:17.480 --> 00:44:25.280 on the outside. I don't know. Fast forward June, just the same 573 00:44:25.360 --> 00:44:30.559 shit, still talking whatever, still making plans. At this point, I 574 00:44:30.639 --> 00:44:37.079 will say, though, but I don't know, Jim. Some jail niggas 575 00:44:37.119 --> 00:44:39.719 do be smart. They read a lot of books in there. Them niggas 576 00:44:39.760 --> 00:44:45.079 know the Bible front to back. It's you know, it's I I can't 577 00:44:45.079 --> 00:44:49.599 say that it's a facade for everybody, but you know, whatever they do, 578 00:44:50.960 --> 00:44:53.760 they know what they know. So I will say, when we was 579 00:44:53.800 --> 00:44:58.639 writing letters and talking, he was always just on my head about really making 580 00:44:58.679 --> 00:45:01.159 a plan, like are you really gonna come to Dallas? So mind you, 581 00:45:04.119 --> 00:45:07.280 he wasn't my sole purpose for trying to come here. I wanted to 582 00:45:07.320 --> 00:45:09.719 come here because I don't want to be in Detroit. I can't find a 583 00:45:09.840 --> 00:45:13.559 job in Detroit. I want to teach yoga as well. But you know, 584 00:45:13.679 --> 00:45:15.880 I just want a new start, new scenery, new opportunities, new 585 00:45:16.000 --> 00:45:20.320 energy, new environment, all of that. This has always been my plan 586 00:45:20.400 --> 00:45:23.159 to go somewhere, you know, So just always on my head about making 587 00:45:23.199 --> 00:45:29.639 a plan and da da da da whatever. Let's see fast ward he gets 588 00:45:29.679 --> 00:45:32.960 out in July, finally gets out, he gets out. I'm like, 589 00:45:34.000 --> 00:45:38.159 you know, I don't want to overwhelm you whatever, whatever, but it 590 00:45:38.320 --> 00:45:47.320 was whatever, So we talking. He's just really on my head. And 591 00:45:47.400 --> 00:45:52.920 now I'm starting to feel I'm kind of slightly starting to feel pressure a little 592 00:45:52.920 --> 00:45:57.880 bit, like I want to come, but again it was kind of like 593 00:45:59.360 --> 00:46:00.840 you gonna come, You're not gonna come, and I'm not doing no longer 594 00:46:00.880 --> 00:46:05.719 distance relationship and all of this, and like I was kind of feeling pressure. 595 00:46:06.320 --> 00:46:15.199 And at this point, more of the shit that I didn't like and 596 00:46:15.320 --> 00:46:19.039 didn't really that I really should have stood on started happening. More of the 597 00:46:19.199 --> 00:46:23.400 like the subtle disrespect, this little shit, like not even little shit, 598 00:46:23.760 --> 00:46:27.239 really big shit to me, big shit to a woman, like why the 599 00:46:27.280 --> 00:46:29.079 fuck would you do that? Why would you say? You know what I'm 600 00:46:29.079 --> 00:46:35.039 saying, like, but just just subtle shit. But and then and that's 601 00:46:35.079 --> 00:46:40.079 the thing. Don't do some shit or say some shit or throw somebody in 602 00:46:40.159 --> 00:46:44.960 my face or anything like that and then turn around and say that I'm insecure, 603 00:46:45.199 --> 00:46:53.519 you're provoking me. It's called reactive abuse. You know what I'm saying, 604 00:46:53.760 --> 00:46:57.800 Somebody to do something the fuck with you or just do something, and 605 00:46:57.880 --> 00:47:01.400 then when you react, you crazy, you insecure, Like no, why 606 00:47:01.480 --> 00:47:05.480 the fuck would you do that? You know what I'm saying. And then 607 00:47:05.599 --> 00:47:09.840 I just started to like things just started to change, Like anytime that he 608 00:47:09.840 --> 00:47:15.039 would call me and I would see his name on my phone, I I 609 00:47:15.079 --> 00:47:16.559 didn't feel good about that no more, Like it wasn't like, oh, 610 00:47:16.599 --> 00:47:21.280 I'm so happy to talk to you. Like all of our conversations were arguments. 611 00:47:21.880 --> 00:47:28.480 Everything was like he was just very super critical of me, criticized everything 612 00:47:28.559 --> 00:47:34.679 that I did. Never heard a compliment. It was just all criticism, 613 00:47:35.599 --> 00:47:39.840 like belittling me, just saying like and I'm like, what the fuck you 614 00:47:39.960 --> 00:47:45.159 know, like what happened here? And I even told him, like this 615 00:47:45.360 --> 00:47:47.760 is not even fun anymore. This is like conversations with you are not even 616 00:47:47.840 --> 00:47:52.840 pleasant. I feel like everything is an argument every like or you just be 617 00:47:52.000 --> 00:47:58.800 tearing me down. And another thing was I always not always, but I 618 00:47:58.960 --> 00:48:01.960 started to feel like like he was jealous of me, and I started to 619 00:48:01.960 --> 00:48:06.440 feel like he was in competition with me, and you gotta remember that we're 620 00:48:06.519 --> 00:48:08.800 both in the yoga world, you know what I'm saying, We both do 621 00:48:08.920 --> 00:48:13.039 yong And I was just like, and it's not to take away from him, 622 00:48:13.039 --> 00:48:16.039 because he's an amazing yogi, you know what I'm saying. He does 623 00:48:16.159 --> 00:48:19.719 that shit for real. But it's like, why do I feel like you 624 00:48:19.800 --> 00:48:21.840 in competition with me? And I'm supposed to be you know what I'm saying. 625 00:48:21.960 --> 00:48:28.360 Spousal competition is very weird behavior. So all of that, but whatever, 626 00:48:28.440 --> 00:48:30.159 we're still talking. He's still like, are you gonna come just on 627 00:48:30.280 --> 00:48:37.039 my head about that? Whatever? Minu. When he got out of jail, 628 00:48:37.079 --> 00:48:43.039 he lost everything, he lost everything, he was behind on his bills 629 00:48:43.159 --> 00:48:47.119 and all of that. Never once did I laugh at that and make fun 630 00:48:47.199 --> 00:48:52.719 of that or that shit's not funny if you my nigga, the you know, 631 00:48:52.880 --> 00:48:57.840 we're supposed to be. But I'm a different type of person apparently, 632 00:48:58.119 --> 00:49:04.239 you know. But so keep that in mine as well, so on my 633 00:49:04.440 --> 00:49:07.559 head about getting down there or whatever. At this point, I'm starting to 634 00:49:07.639 --> 00:49:13.239 have conversations with my son, like I'm thinking about leaving to go out of 635 00:49:13.239 --> 00:49:17.079 state again. And one thing that you got to know about me, and 636 00:49:17.159 --> 00:49:20.159 I feel like, if you know me, you know, and if you 637 00:49:20.239 --> 00:49:24.920 know my son, you know. I am an amazing fucking parent. I'm 638 00:49:24.960 --> 00:49:30.760 an amazing mother. Pat On my motherfucking back. Like my son is super 639 00:49:30.880 --> 00:49:37.320 intelligent, super intellectual, emotionally intelligent, in tune with himself, spiritually, 640 00:49:37.559 --> 00:49:43.480 he's a great kid, four point zero student all year last year, all 641 00:49:43.519 --> 00:49:46.880 the personality in the world, just like an amazing kid. Will Manner, 642 00:49:47.079 --> 00:49:53.360 Will behaved. That's because of me, Okay, that's because of me. 643 00:49:53.599 --> 00:49:57.679 And I think I said this earlier, like I feel like I was the 644 00:49:57.800 --> 00:50:06.480 primary parent. I'm not saying that his dad wasn't. He absolutely was involved. 645 00:50:06.519 --> 00:50:12.320 But maybe my moms can't make no excuses moms, you know what I'm 646 00:50:12.320 --> 00:50:16.480 saying. It's been many times where a nigga's career came over everything. It 647 00:50:16.599 --> 00:50:20.480 was like, well, I gotta work. I gotta work too, what 648 00:50:20.719 --> 00:50:22.079 human like? So I always had to figure it out. So again, 649 00:50:22.280 --> 00:50:28.159 I feel like I was the primary parent for the majority of my son's life, 650 00:50:28.440 --> 00:50:32.800 you know what I'm saying. And again, I never got to get 651 00:50:32.840 --> 00:50:37.920 to a space where I was able to really get myself together. And that's 652 00:50:37.960 --> 00:50:40.480 the thing, and it's nobody else's responsibility because I'm grown. But I'm just 653 00:50:40.559 --> 00:50:45.360 saying, like to not have no type of support or help, you know 654 00:50:45.400 --> 00:50:49.360 what I And I'm struggling, like I'm drowning. Y'all niggas see this, 655 00:50:49.480 --> 00:50:52.519 and like and if y'all not gonna help me, cool. But then when 656 00:50:52.559 --> 00:50:54.719 I branch off and go do my own thing, and I'm like, hey, 657 00:50:54.880 --> 00:50:59.760 you gotta keep your kid. My son is twelve. Y'all seen boys 658 00:50:59.760 --> 00:51:01.360 in a trey want to live with his daddy when he was seeing, my 659 00:51:01.440 --> 00:51:06.800 son is twelve, Dad is short time. It's short time, you feel 660 00:51:06.880 --> 00:51:09.639 me? So whatever. So I was having conversations with my kid about it. 661 00:51:09.719 --> 00:51:19.079 Obviously he wasn't thrilled about me leaving, but he understands, like mommy's 662 00:51:19.119 --> 00:51:22.320 trying to get it together on a financial level so we could be good. 663 00:51:22.400 --> 00:51:25.320 You know what I'm saying. I've nurtured you, I've guided you, I've 664 00:51:25.480 --> 00:51:29.800 and they said that the formative years of a child's life is maybe up until 665 00:51:29.800 --> 00:51:32.239 like seven years old or something like that. So and that's one thing that 666 00:51:32.320 --> 00:51:37.400 I truly believe, Like God forbid, knock on wood, if anything ever 667 00:51:37.480 --> 00:51:42.719 happened to me, I have instilled so much into my son that if I 668 00:51:42.880 --> 00:51:46.159 was not around, I think that he would be good because of everything that 669 00:51:46.199 --> 00:51:51.440 I've instilled him. But also, he's twelve years old. I feel like 670 00:51:51.519 --> 00:51:53.679 this is the time that he needs to be with his dad. I can't 671 00:51:53.679 --> 00:52:02.760 teach him how to be a man. Dad is short time period. So 672 00:52:02.960 --> 00:52:08.360 yeah, so started having a conversation with him, you know whatever. My 673 00:52:08.599 --> 00:52:14.360 support system back home kind of started, you know, mentioning it there and 674 00:52:15.119 --> 00:52:17.519 whatever. Fast for so it's still July. Boom, I get on the 675 00:52:17.679 --> 00:52:21.800 fault again. He was always on my when I'm telling y'all, he was 676 00:52:21.880 --> 00:52:23.519 on my head every day, like have you found a job yet? That 677 00:52:23.840 --> 00:52:28.079 I'm like, I'm not even in doubts what I'm gonna do with somebody like 678 00:52:28.119 --> 00:52:29.960 hey, you got the job and I'm not there, you know, like 679 00:52:30.480 --> 00:52:35.000 relax, you worry about you getting the job and getting your you just got 680 00:52:35.119 --> 00:52:38.480 to jail. Worry about you why you work, you know. And again 681 00:52:39.039 --> 00:52:45.920 this is another thing, so mind you, he lost everything. We ain't 682 00:52:45.960 --> 00:52:53.320 staying at Joe rib right, So where are we going? Oh, we're 683 00:52:53.360 --> 00:53:00.519 staying with your sister, the one that I'm cool with because I would have 684 00:53:00.679 --> 00:53:06.199 never agreed to come or go to a place you know where I was. 685 00:53:06.400 --> 00:53:09.679 I already am, you know, for them, I'm gonna be some type 686 00:53:09.719 --> 00:53:15.920 of uncomfortable by doing this, But at least I'm cool with her. We 687 00:53:15.079 --> 00:53:17.760 have a relationship, you know what I'm saying. It's not gonna be as 688 00:53:17.840 --> 00:53:21.840 bad as if I would have blocked her and not talked to her and just 689 00:53:21.920 --> 00:53:23.320 showed up at her doorstep like, hey, I'm about to come crash here 690 00:53:23.360 --> 00:53:29.559 while while we get it together, you know what I'm saying. So hop 691 00:53:29.639 --> 00:53:36.039 on the flight go to Dallas. It's July. And so my thing is 692 00:53:36.519 --> 00:53:43.920 if most times when you're talking to somebody, dating somebody, and the vibes 693 00:53:43.960 --> 00:53:47.280 are there. I'm telling y'all, the vibes was there. The vibes was 694 00:53:47.320 --> 00:53:51.039 there. I'm talking to you on the phone every day. We're facetiming. 695 00:53:51.800 --> 00:53:53.559 Well, aside from the fact that things did start to change and it was 696 00:53:53.599 --> 00:54:00.119 all that weird shit going on. Oh wait before I get there. Before 697 00:54:00.400 --> 00:54:05.079 I left to go to Dallas, and I would have conversations with my homegirl 698 00:54:05.159 --> 00:54:07.800 Josling about this all the time. I was just so back and forth with 699 00:54:07.840 --> 00:54:10.320 how I felt I was fifty to fifty on if I should go or not. 700 00:54:12.840 --> 00:54:15.760 And this is another thing, this is write this down, listen to 701 00:54:16.000 --> 00:54:22.159 your intuition for real. Fifty percent of me was like, yeah, I 702 00:54:22.280 --> 00:54:25.719 want to go, you know, find a job, be in a new 703 00:54:25.840 --> 00:54:30.000 place. Da da da da. Also, I'm thinking at me and him'll 704 00:54:30.039 --> 00:54:32.840 go be good. Whatever fifty percent of me wanted to go. I was 705 00:54:34.039 --> 00:54:38.960 very stagnant and like stuck in Detroit again. I couldn't find a job. 706 00:54:39.079 --> 00:54:43.199 I feel like I had been in that same space for years, just not 707 00:54:43.400 --> 00:54:47.039 progressing, not improving, not growing, not So it was a no brainer 708 00:54:47.079 --> 00:54:51.440 for me, like yes, go do something different, like take a risk. 709 00:54:51.760 --> 00:54:58.360 Period. The other fifty percent of me, I cannot make this shit 710 00:54:58.519 --> 00:55:04.039 up. It was something like I can't even describe the feeling that I felt 711 00:55:04.199 --> 00:55:07.440 in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about it, like Jasmine, 712 00:55:07.480 --> 00:55:15.599 do not go, do not go. So I'm sitting there like fifty 713 00:55:15.639 --> 00:55:19.199 percent of me is like, it's gonna be good. Just do your thing, 714 00:55:19.360 --> 00:55:22.920 get a job, o crazy, you know. But what I felt 715 00:55:22.000 --> 00:55:27.559 inside was like, I don't know about this. On top of the fact 716 00:55:27.599 --> 00:55:30.039 that you already got all of these red flags and the way that he's acting. 717 00:55:31.400 --> 00:55:36.480 I don't I don't know if you should go jazzmin but y'all know me, 718 00:55:36.519 --> 00:55:37.639 y'all love the thrill. I love to live on the edge, so 719 00:55:39.119 --> 00:55:43.079 I go. So the day did I get there, that did I touched 720 00:55:43.199 --> 00:55:52.000 down Like the vibes was not there. It was just like and I'm like, 721 00:55:52.280 --> 00:55:54.840 is it just cause? And it was weird to me because even though 722 00:55:54.920 --> 00:55:59.599 all of that stuff had been happening as far as like how I felt with 723 00:55:59.679 --> 00:56:04.360 the rent Flags, I just felt like I just felt like the vibe, 724 00:56:04.480 --> 00:56:07.519 you know, I felt like the energy would still be there, like but 725 00:56:07.679 --> 00:56:13.000 it wasn't, and I was I just thought that was so weird. I'm 726 00:56:13.039 --> 00:56:15.760 like, well, maybe it's just because it's our first time actually meeting, 727 00:56:15.880 --> 00:56:16.880 you know what I'm saying, Like, maybe we just gotta eat you. 728 00:56:17.039 --> 00:56:21.239 Like I remember the whole car ride, like I was, he was playing 729 00:56:21.320 --> 00:56:23.920 like some good ass music and I was vibing to the music, but the 730 00:56:24.199 --> 00:56:28.639 energy just was not right. And I was like, I don't know what 731 00:56:28.840 --> 00:56:34.960 it is like I don't know, And again it would just be I don't 732 00:56:35.000 --> 00:56:37.639 know. I feel like he used to like size me up and just the 733 00:56:37.679 --> 00:56:39.760 way that he was like again, I told you, I felt like he 734 00:56:39.840 --> 00:56:43.000 was in competition with me, he was jealous with me. It would just 735 00:56:43.039 --> 00:56:45.199 be times like that. I would just look at how he looked at me, 736 00:56:45.360 --> 00:56:49.119 like I don't know, on top of the fact, like the way 737 00:56:49.199 --> 00:56:51.559 that he was treating me and the shit that he was doing. It's like, 738 00:56:51.679 --> 00:56:52.239 bro, And I used to say this to him. I used to 739 00:56:52.239 --> 00:56:55.199 be like, do you even like me? Like it was very weird, 740 00:56:55.760 --> 00:57:01.280 so just really weird vibes. Oh, I had two. I had a 741 00:57:01.360 --> 00:57:04.400 job. As soon as I stepped off the plane, I had ended up 742 00:57:04.400 --> 00:57:08.559 getting a job at a really nice hotel. And then oh and then as 743 00:57:08.559 --> 00:57:13.360 soon as I got there to the crib, like I had a phone call 744 00:57:13.440 --> 00:57:16.119 that day with another hotel like come in for an interview tomorrow, I think, 745 00:57:16.559 --> 00:57:20.920 And I had one to that one. So I had started working at 746 00:57:20.960 --> 00:57:22.880 one hotel with her. So I got two jobs. Now, mind you, 747 00:57:23.599 --> 00:57:25.599 this is a person that was on my head, like make sure you 748 00:57:25.679 --> 00:57:30.039 gotta get a job, you gotta grind, you gotta leave that mentality that 749 00:57:30.119 --> 00:57:32.880 you got in Detroit and that just acting like I'm just some bum ass bitch 750 00:57:34.000 --> 00:57:36.400 or something. I don't know. I don't know, like I don't know. 751 00:57:37.039 --> 00:57:40.519 So I get there and I get two jobs. And again I told 752 00:57:40.559 --> 00:57:44.199 you, I feel like this is somebody that's in competition with me. So 753 00:57:44.360 --> 00:57:46.079 he did end up getting a job, but it was like a night job 754 00:57:46.159 --> 00:57:50.599 doing something and he really trying to do for real, but you know, 755 00:57:50.840 --> 00:57:53.000 just in the meantime, in between times. And so then I remember it 756 00:57:53.079 --> 00:57:57.400 got to the point where so I had ended up getting the two jobs, 757 00:57:57.519 --> 00:58:00.639 and I was, you know, trying to decide like I was gonna do, 758 00:58:00.760 --> 00:58:02.239 Like am I about to work two jobs? Then all of a sudden, 759 00:58:02.239 --> 00:58:05.599 this need to go. I got three jobs. Now I'm about to 760 00:58:05.639 --> 00:58:07.519 be working three jobs. And in my mind, I'm like, who wants 761 00:58:07.639 --> 00:58:12.760 to work three jobs? That sounds stressful as fuck? But again that's that 762 00:58:12.880 --> 00:58:20.079 competition shit. What else, you know, just little shit. I feel 763 00:58:20.119 --> 00:58:27.360 like I should pull out my little notes now again just every day, just 764 00:58:27.519 --> 00:58:31.280 constantly, the just the mental gymnastics, the mental games, the emotional games, 765 00:58:32.199 --> 00:58:37.360 like literally picking at me every day, starting arguments, tearing me down. 766 00:58:37.880 --> 00:58:44.880 Another thing was and I don't want to fast forward too quick, but 767 00:58:44.920 --> 00:58:50.480 I'm gonna just go here with it, like so we both do yoga. 768 00:58:52.639 --> 00:58:57.000 He had been living in Dallas for two years, so you would think like 769 00:58:58.239 --> 00:59:01.119 you got a following, you got people that would come to classes that you 770 00:59:01.159 --> 00:59:05.320 would be teaching classes whatever. I don't know, I don't I don't know. 771 00:59:06.880 --> 00:59:14.480 I ended up getting a gig teaching yoga. And I remember, like 772 00:59:14.599 --> 00:59:16.679 I had posted it on Instagram when I first found out, like I just 773 00:59:16.760 --> 00:59:22.400 got a gig, you know, to teach yoga or di y'all think he 774 00:59:22.519 --> 00:59:27.960 reposted that shit on his page. They don't know, looked at my story 775 00:59:28.039 --> 00:59:31.199 and never even said nothing about it. So to me, that says a 776 00:59:31.239 --> 00:59:37.519 lot. Just keep it pushing. When I tell y'all, I only talk 777 00:59:37.599 --> 00:59:44.760 three classes, but every day or every time that I woke up that morning 778 00:59:44.920 --> 00:59:49.159 to go teach, best believe it was an argument. Best believe it was 779 00:59:49.239 --> 00:59:52.440 somebody fucking with me to fuck with my energy, to try to kill my 780 00:59:52.679 --> 01:00:01.239 vibe. And he, uh he whatever. That first class that I taught, 781 01:00:01.400 --> 01:00:04.360 he had made it a whole thing about like, well damn, you 782 01:00:04.440 --> 01:00:07.719 didn't even invite me. And I'm like, you knew that I was teaching. 783 01:00:07.800 --> 01:00:09.559 You've seen that I posted that I was gonna be teaching somewhere, blase 784 01:00:09.719 --> 01:00:16.400 blah, And I'm like let's not play this game. So he wanted to 785 01:00:16.440 --> 01:00:19.119 act like he wasn't gonna come, but then he was like, you know 786 01:00:19.159 --> 01:00:21.719 what, I'm gonna come, and I'm like, I really don't want you 787 01:00:21.840 --> 01:00:28.679 to come, but whatever, so he came, did the class. After 788 01:00:28.840 --> 01:00:31.239 that fucking class, I wasn't gonna ask what he thought of it, because 789 01:00:31.239 --> 01:00:34.800 I already know, like, you're an asshole, You're gonna you're gonna be 790 01:00:34.880 --> 01:00:38.599 a dick because you're a dick. So but somehow, you know, I 791 01:00:38.679 --> 01:00:44.679 was like, okay, well, what did you think of it? All 792 01:00:45.280 --> 01:00:49.840 negative feedback told me it sucked, like are you a terrible teacher? It 793 01:00:49.960 --> 01:00:53.239 had no direction. I didn't even like my body didn't feel warmed up, 794 01:00:53.440 --> 01:00:57.719 just all of this crazy shit, and I'm like, all right, just 795 01:00:57.800 --> 01:01:00.159 stop, just no, I'm gonna tell you, like, you want to 796 01:01:00.199 --> 01:01:04.360 be an asshole for no fucking reason. Bro, you don't have to do 797 01:01:04.480 --> 01:01:06.599 that. You know what I'm saying. And that's what I'm saying, just 798 01:01:06.719 --> 01:01:09.880 the again, purposely trying to hurt you, intentionally trying to hurt you. 799 01:01:13.639 --> 01:01:16.159 And this is what I was dealing with every day, Somebody fucking with me, 800 01:01:16.440 --> 01:01:21.400 arguing with me, picking fights with me, I'm talking about like another 801 01:01:21.519 --> 01:01:28.880 thing, another like pointer of narcissistic abusing relationships and stuff like that, is 802 01:01:28.960 --> 01:01:31.920 like sleep sleep deprivation. They don't like you to sleep. They want to 803 01:01:32.000 --> 01:01:37.159 keep you in a constant state of confusion and chaos. And what better way 804 01:01:37.199 --> 01:01:40.840 than to not let the bitch get some sleep when I tell y'all, like, 805 01:01:42.039 --> 01:01:44.119 wake me up at three o'clock in the morning, wouldn't let me go 806 01:01:44.159 --> 01:01:49.519 back to sleep when I gotta go to work? Just whatever. Oh but 807 01:01:49.639 --> 01:01:54.039 best believe he wanted my support for his yoga shit. I've never we did 808 01:01:54.159 --> 01:01:59.039 yoga together, like a few times, and we did like yoga by ourselves, 809 01:01:59.239 --> 01:02:02.639 you know places. But he's never taught a class. I've never attended 810 01:02:02.639 --> 01:02:08.920 any of his classes. He's never had a class that I witnessed. But 811 01:02:09.079 --> 01:02:13.039 wanted me to support him, wanted me to build his shit up. Mind 812 01:02:13.079 --> 01:02:15.599 you, I have my own brand whatever. I remember one time he had 813 01:02:15.639 --> 01:02:25.840 brought that up to like, uh, what was I gonna say, I 814 01:02:25.880 --> 01:02:30.119 don't know whatever? Wanted me to build his shit up or whatever, And 815 01:02:30.239 --> 01:02:31.320 I'm like, bro, I got my own brand, you know what I'm 816 01:02:31.320 --> 01:02:37.039 saying? Black girl experience. Oh about like just making it seem like yoga. 817 01:02:37.159 --> 01:02:39.639 I guess it could be your life's purpose and you could use that to 818 01:02:39.719 --> 01:02:43.840 change other people's lives. And I'm like, I thought that's what we came 819 01:02:43.960 --> 01:02:45.920 together on, was yoga in the first place? No, Like, this 820 01:02:46.039 --> 01:02:49.280 is this is what this is my life. This is really what I do. 821 01:02:49.559 --> 01:02:52.199 Like, so what did you think I was doing before? Like whatever? 822 01:02:53.960 --> 01:02:58.239 And then turned around and said that he didn't want my support, but 823 01:02:58.440 --> 01:03:04.119 was asking me for my support and to do things for him. But felt 824 01:03:04.199 --> 01:03:05.960 like he wanted me to do all the work. And I'm like, no, 825 01:03:06.159 --> 01:03:08.480 nigga, I work forty hours a week. You think I want to 826 01:03:08.519 --> 01:03:13.360 come do something? No, I'm straight do it on your own. I 827 01:03:13.440 --> 01:03:15.920 remember at one point he had told me, like, you could build a 828 01:03:16.000 --> 01:03:23.599 home and I could work on the on the studio. What woman wants to 829 01:03:23.639 --> 01:03:28.440 build a home by herself? Like what? What? What? What does 830 01:03:28.480 --> 01:03:31.559 that entail? Does that mean that I pay all the bills? I'm straight? 831 01:03:42.960 --> 01:03:49.239 Just the mental gymnastics, the mental games. This was funny too. 832 01:03:49.840 --> 01:03:52.199 I remember when I had first got here. I remember when, like, 833 01:03:52.519 --> 01:03:57.400 but mind you, this was before I had I didn't start working maybe like 834 01:03:57.719 --> 01:04:00.559 until a week after I got here or something. And I remember one time 835 01:04:00.599 --> 01:04:03.559 he gonna tell me, like, you ain't gotta wait on me to do 836 01:04:03.639 --> 01:04:08.880 stuff. You could go do stuff, bro. I don't have a car, 837 01:04:08.920 --> 01:04:11.400 I don't have a job yet. I'm not just trying to spend all 838 01:04:11.440 --> 01:04:15.000 my money and just be frolicking through the city. So but mental note, 839 01:04:15.119 --> 01:04:18.000 right, you ain't gotta wait on me to go do stuff. Bet. 840 01:04:18.840 --> 01:04:23.599 So even the times when I had booked those flights and I was supposed to 841 01:04:23.599 --> 01:04:26.440 go see him, even though it didn't work out, he had made like 842 01:04:26.480 --> 01:04:30.920 a whole itinerary of things that we were supposed to do, right, and 843 01:04:30.039 --> 01:04:32.400 when I actually got to Dallas, we were still supposed to do those things. 844 01:04:32.440 --> 01:04:35.599 There were certain things that we were supposed to do. We never did 845 01:04:35.679 --> 01:04:40.840 those things. So one day I took it upon myself to go to a 846 01:04:40.880 --> 01:04:43.119 place that he was supposed to take me to that he never took me to. 847 01:04:45.039 --> 01:04:47.039 You lame and you selfish? Why would you go to my spot? 848 01:04:47.679 --> 01:04:53.480 Are you insane? You haven't took me anywhere? What do you mean bro? 849 01:04:54.159 --> 01:04:59.400 The mental gymnastics, Bro, I can't make this shit up. I 850 01:04:59.440 --> 01:05:04.880 would always tell him, like, Bro, I don't understand you because you 851 01:05:05.079 --> 01:05:10.079 encouraged me to come here, and you kind of begged me to come here, 852 01:05:10.199 --> 01:05:13.119 you know what I'm saying. And even though he was not the sole 853 01:05:13.239 --> 01:05:16.320 reason why I came here, you wanted me to come here. We had 854 01:05:16.320 --> 01:05:20.960 all these fake plans, do all this shit, and now you act like 855 01:05:21.000 --> 01:05:25.519 you don't want me here. He was so petty and so childish. It 856 01:05:25.599 --> 01:05:28.920 got to the point where like, bro, we're sharing We're sharing a space, 857 01:05:28.960 --> 01:05:30.400 we're sharing a bed, we're sharing a you know what I'm saying. 858 01:05:31.400 --> 01:05:38.480 This was the plan, right. He would get an attitude like, get 859 01:05:38.559 --> 01:05:40.719 off of my side of the bed. I have to share all of my 860 01:05:40.880 --> 01:05:45.559 stuff with you, And I'm like, are we five again? You asked 861 01:05:45.599 --> 01:05:47.800 me to come here, You want me to sleep on the floor, what 862 01:05:47.880 --> 01:05:58.079 do you want me to do? Like it was really insane. Hmm Again, 863 01:05:58.119 --> 01:06:00.800 I feel like he used everything against me in those letters that I wrote 864 01:06:00.880 --> 01:06:05.920 him. I felt like he always wanted to count my pockets. And that's 865 01:06:05.960 --> 01:06:09.880 one thing that I wouldn't do was tell how much money I had, because 866 01:06:09.960 --> 01:06:12.360 why, Like, you know what I'm saying. And then it got to 867 01:06:12.440 --> 01:06:15.480 the point where it was like, so now was getting bad. Every day 868 01:06:15.719 --> 01:06:19.719 I'm dealing with it. And again, I really pride myself on being like 869 01:06:19.800 --> 01:06:28.079 a very mentally strong and emotionally strong, spiritually strong person. I probably could 870 01:06:28.079 --> 01:06:30.440 take more than an average person. I'm not gonna lie. I'm just I'm 871 01:06:30.559 --> 01:06:33.320 just built like that. And then again, as a black woman, I 872 01:06:33.400 --> 01:06:40.000 feel like I don't know what it is we a heart of gold, a 873 01:06:40.119 --> 01:06:44.679 mind of gold, just the armor of God on us and in us like 874 01:06:44.800 --> 01:06:48.679 we I don't know, like we just we just strong And that's not that 875 01:06:48.800 --> 01:06:51.159 ain't a flex I don't want to be strong. I want to be in 876 01:06:51.239 --> 01:06:54.960 my soft girl era. I want to live my soft girl life. But 877 01:06:55.440 --> 01:06:58.559 thank God that I am as strong as I am because I was able to 878 01:06:58.800 --> 01:07:03.480 endure all of this mental, emotional, spiritual verbal abuse. You know what 879 01:07:03.519 --> 01:07:06.840 I'm saying every day while and that was the thing he would always tell me, 880 01:07:06.960 --> 01:07:11.119 like basically that I wasn't doing shit. I'm like, bro, I'm 881 01:07:11.159 --> 01:07:15.440 doing everything that I said that I was gonna do. I got a job 882 01:07:15.519 --> 01:07:17.480 as soon as I got off the fucking plane. I'm trying to save my 883 01:07:17.599 --> 01:07:20.440 money to you know, do what I need to do. Like but every 884 01:07:20.519 --> 01:07:26.920 day just trying to tear me down and whatever. Just a very selfish person 885 01:07:27.000 --> 01:07:33.519 always come in my pockets. Uh. Another thing is I feel like another 886 01:07:34.320 --> 01:07:39.840 red flag or another thing that should like raise your antennas in a situation is 887 01:07:39.960 --> 01:07:43.519 like if you feel like you are losing yourself in a situation, if you 888 01:07:43.559 --> 01:07:47.039 feel like you're not even you know more. Another thing that a narcissistic person 889 01:07:47.079 --> 01:07:51.280 would do is try to isolate you from your friends and your family. And 890 01:07:51.400 --> 01:07:55.159 what better way to do that than to get a bitch to uproot their life 891 01:07:55.159 --> 01:08:00.039 and move to another state. But yeah, and like even when he was 892 01:08:00.119 --> 01:08:06.559 in jail, like I had noticed that I had stopped creating. And I'm 893 01:08:06.599 --> 01:08:14.000 not solely blaming him, but I feel like, you know, I just 894 01:08:14.039 --> 01:08:15.199 felt like it was a dark cloud over me when he was in jail. 895 01:08:15.239 --> 01:08:17.920 I felt like I was in jail, I wasn't creating, I wasn't making 896 01:08:18.000 --> 01:08:23.920 podcast episodes. I just wasn't feeling like myself. Because I'm over here trying 897 01:08:23.960 --> 01:08:30.039 to pour into you, and we know that you should only be pouring into 898 01:08:30.159 --> 01:08:36.000 others if your cup is overflowing, because if your cup is not full, 899 01:08:36.399 --> 01:08:41.439 that's the easiest way back to an empty cup, you know what I'm saying, 900 01:08:41.960 --> 01:08:45.760 So just going over and beyond for somebody doing the most and just not 901 01:08:47.800 --> 01:08:56.319 not pouring into myself. It's very important to be with somebody that supports you, 902 01:08:56.920 --> 01:09:00.039 appreciates you, values you, what you bring to the table, what 903 01:09:00.159 --> 01:09:09.920 you've done for them. He acts like I ain't do shit, And we'll 904 01:09:09.960 --> 01:09:13.039 also throw that in my face too, about like anytime that I would bring 905 01:09:13.159 --> 01:09:16.439 up the whole thing about man, I spent a lot of money, time 906 01:09:16.720 --> 01:09:21.039 energy when you was in jail, and of course you know, motherfucker act 907 01:09:21.119 --> 01:09:24.640 like I didn't ask you to do that, and then try to flip it 908 01:09:24.720 --> 01:09:27.199 on me like, well you ain't, that wasn't genuine if you got to 909 01:09:27.199 --> 01:09:30.119 bring it up. It's not that I'm bringing it up for that, but 910 01:09:30.159 --> 01:09:34.199 I'm bringing it up because you act like I ain't never did shit for you. 911 01:09:34.319 --> 01:09:39.680 You act like I was not there for you, you know, And 912 01:09:39.800 --> 01:09:42.960 to turn around and get treated like this after all that I've done, I 913 01:09:43.039 --> 01:09:45.920 don't care that, you know what I'm saying. I took the l on 914 01:09:45.000 --> 01:09:50.159 the money that I spent and whatever. But it's like, it's very low 915 01:09:50.479 --> 01:09:55.880 to treat somebody like that, you know what I'm saying, When motherfuckers did 916 01:09:56.239 --> 01:10:00.439 a lot for you, so that's crazy to me. I have got to 917 01:10:00.439 --> 01:10:04.000 get somebody with some principals, some principles, some values, and some morals 918 01:10:04.000 --> 01:10:12.880 about theyself. And that's the thing. A lot of times, narcissistic individuals 919 01:10:12.920 --> 01:10:16.359 are gonna be like very charismatic people. People, a people's person, you 920 01:10:16.399 --> 01:10:19.119 know what I'm saying. They they got this whole persona that they put on 921 01:10:19.239 --> 01:10:24.560 for the world, but behind closed doors or to the person closest to them, 922 01:10:24.920 --> 01:10:28.520 a totally different person. So you know what I'm saying. And I 923 01:10:28.800 --> 01:10:31.199 and I hate to throw men under the bus for this, but that'd be 924 01:10:31.279 --> 01:10:35.239 a lot of men too. Like when you think about whether it be celebrities 925 01:10:35.399 --> 01:10:40.399 or athletes or b businessmen or a CEO of a company, or a person 926 01:10:40.479 --> 01:10:43.760 with a lot of power or authority or a lot of money. Yeah, 927 01:10:43.920 --> 01:10:47.279 they they they the man to the world. You charismatic you, Oh he's 928 01:10:47.319 --> 01:10:54.439 such a great person. But behind closed doors, they're terrible people and they 929 01:10:54.640 --> 01:10:57.479 use they power, they money, they status, you know what I'm saying, 930 01:10:57.600 --> 01:11:02.159 to carry out they evil ways and shit. So that's just something to 931 01:11:02.239 --> 01:11:13.680 be mindful of as well. And that's the thing too. A narcissistic individual 932 01:11:14.079 --> 01:11:17.640 in the beginning, they mirror you. They mirror you. So just like 933 01:11:17.760 --> 01:11:20.600 I said, like I feel like he used everything in a letter against me 934 01:11:20.640 --> 01:11:27.640 and all that I feel, they create this facade. They mirror you. 935 01:11:27.720 --> 01:11:30.600 They want to match everything that you say and to you, it's like, 936 01:11:30.800 --> 01:11:33.039 oh damn, this's a match made in heaven. You know what I'm saying. 937 01:11:33.479 --> 01:11:36.520 And then as time goes on, when you get past the little love 938 01:11:36.640 --> 01:11:41.359 bombing stage, when you get past the honeymoon stage, at some point that 939 01:11:41.680 --> 01:11:45.520 mask has to slip because that's not who they really are. They did that 940 01:11:45.680 --> 01:11:53.520 to get you. And so when the mask drops, it's like, bro, 941 01:11:54.680 --> 01:11:57.640 And that's what I'm like, when you really see a person for who 942 01:11:57.720 --> 01:12:01.479 they are, you have to believe it. But you know, you may 943 01:12:01.560 --> 01:12:04.279 be too far in, you may be knee deep in the game, like 944 01:12:04.520 --> 01:12:09.640 damn, how can I get out? But it's imperative for you to get 945 01:12:09.680 --> 01:12:14.000 out. And I think that was another thing with him, Like I think 946 01:12:14.439 --> 01:12:17.000 like when he actually met me and got to be around me and stuff, 947 01:12:17.079 --> 01:12:21.279 it was kind of like, oh, this bitch is not pretending, Like 948 01:12:21.520 --> 01:12:25.279 this bitch is really authentic, This bitch is really a good person. Like 949 01:12:25.399 --> 01:12:29.680 you, you really are who you say you are, you're not portraying to 950 01:12:29.800 --> 01:12:33.640 be you know what I'm saying. And that's a dagger, and that's a 951 01:12:33.720 --> 01:12:40.199 trigger because if you're pretending to be something that you're not, you can only 952 01:12:40.600 --> 01:12:44.520 uphold that image for so long. You can only keep the mask on for 953 01:12:44.640 --> 01:12:47.239 so long. It's gonna slip, it's gonna fall, and it's gonna get 954 01:12:47.319 --> 01:12:58.319 ugly. The things that they admire about you in the beginning are the same 955 01:12:58.399 --> 01:13:00.720 things they end up hating you for, which is sick. Like you loved 956 01:13:00.800 --> 01:13:03.239 me, you really liked me, you liked the person that I was. 957 01:13:04.199 --> 01:13:09.039 I haven't heard a comp when I say, I didn't hear a motherfucking compliment 958 01:13:09.319 --> 01:13:13.840 when I came here. I never heard like I'm happy that you came. 959 01:13:13.880 --> 01:13:21.279 I'm happy that you're here, like never, never, so very weird behavior. 960 01:13:21.600 --> 01:13:26.439 I remember he told me that he told me that I tricked him, 961 01:13:29.520 --> 01:13:31.600 and I think he was implying that I changed or something, and I'm like, 962 01:13:31.760 --> 01:13:38.119 bro, I never changed. On God, I never changed. It's 963 01:13:38.159 --> 01:13:43.760 a lash. He said that I tricked him, and I'm like, no, 964 01:13:43.920 --> 01:13:45.960 nigga, you tricked me. You know what I'm saying, Like, 965 01:13:46.239 --> 01:13:53.760 I never changed. But that's the blame shift thing. That's the putting it 966 01:13:53.880 --> 01:13:57.359 on you, and that's the thing. So as an EmPATH, as a 967 01:13:57.560 --> 01:14:02.680 naturally caring, loving, killing person, you know what I'm saying, Those 968 01:14:02.720 --> 01:14:09.760 types of people project their positivity on other people. On some the light in 969 01:14:09.840 --> 01:14:15.840 me sees the light you type shit. You know what I'm saying. I 970 01:14:16.000 --> 01:14:21.399 was nothing but good to you, projecting positivity on you, like trying even 971 01:14:21.439 --> 01:14:24.680 through all of the bullshit in the way that you were treating me, I 972 01:14:24.840 --> 01:14:28.359 was still trying to see the good in you, even though you were showing 973 01:14:28.399 --> 01:14:35.199 me who you was. A narcissist is a person that projects all of their 974 01:14:35.319 --> 01:14:43.840 insecurities onto you. All of that deep dark shit in them they projected onto 975 01:14:43.880 --> 01:14:49.560 you. And what you got to realize in these situations is that these people 976 01:14:49.600 --> 01:14:54.399 don't change, especially as they get older, and it has a lot to 977 01:14:54.479 --> 01:14:57.800 do with their childhood. They trauma. And again, this is a person 978 01:14:57.920 --> 01:15:00.479 that I don't know, and that's why you should probably really get to know 979 01:15:00.560 --> 01:15:04.000 people in real life, you know what, But I mean, I feel 980 01:15:04.000 --> 01:15:08.680 like you can never really fully know a person. But I didn't know this 981 01:15:08.760 --> 01:15:15.640 person at all, and that's my fault. But these people are very dark 982 01:15:15.720 --> 01:15:27.760 individuals. They lack empathy and they have a hole in their heart that is 983 01:15:27.840 --> 01:15:30.520 a black hole that will never be able to be felled. And that's why 984 01:15:33.039 --> 01:15:36.640 after they realized, like cause he told me this. He told me was 985 01:15:36.640 --> 01:15:40.039 like, yeah, I thought you was perfect. And I'm like, why 986 01:15:40.079 --> 01:15:43.319 did you think that? I'm I'm a human, Like I thought you was 987 01:15:43.359 --> 01:15:46.239 perfect, and I guess so whatever human flawed he saw in me, and 988 01:15:46.359 --> 01:15:50.880 that made him be like, oh, this ain't it. So when they 989 01:15:51.039 --> 01:15:57.279 realize that, because they think that whatever person they go get with or whatever 990 01:15:57.439 --> 01:16:00.720 thing that they're into, like, they think that's going to fulfill them. 991 01:16:00.840 --> 01:16:03.159 But it's not, like it'll never be enough. And that's the thing. 992 01:16:03.239 --> 01:16:06.800 They gonna keep moving the goalpost with you. It was never gonna be enough. 993 01:16:08.319 --> 01:16:11.159 So you gotta learn like, Okay, let me stop fucking trying because 994 01:16:11.159 --> 01:16:15.159 it's not me, it's you. You're the problem. And again they just 995 01:16:15.560 --> 01:16:21.760 project their insecurities and all their issues onto you, and it kills the relationship. 996 01:16:26.039 --> 01:16:30.520 What else do I haven't here? And that's how I know I'm not 997 01:16:30.600 --> 01:16:32.680 the problem because I've had, Like I said, I had built a very 998 01:16:32.720 --> 01:16:40.359 good relationship with his sister and we had several conversations and that that gave me 999 01:16:40.439 --> 01:16:43.039 a lot of insight into why he is the way that he is as well. 1000 01:16:43.199 --> 01:16:57.479 But it definitely confirmed that he was the problem. I said, when 1001 01:16:57.520 --> 01:17:01.000 you live the life in our unha and you see who a person truly is 1002 01:17:01.520 --> 01:17:04.520 every day, you gotta remember that when your mind is playing tricks on you 1003 01:17:04.600 --> 01:17:09.640 in the grieving process. So when it's over and you start to come out 1004 01:17:09.680 --> 01:17:14.319 of it and you realize, you know, cause you might still be like 1005 01:17:14.479 --> 01:17:16.159 trying to live in the fantasy of what you thought that person was in the 1006 01:17:16.239 --> 01:17:19.319 love by mefas or in the beginning, when they painted this picture of who 1007 01:17:19.399 --> 01:17:24.920 they were and was doing all that future faking with you and making all those 1008 01:17:24.960 --> 01:17:27.920 plans and stuff like you go back, like what happened to that None of 1009 01:17:28.000 --> 01:17:30.560 that was real. They were mirroring you. It was a facade they did, 1010 01:17:30.680 --> 01:17:33.600 you know what I'm saying. So again, when you are out of 1011 01:17:33.680 --> 01:17:39.199 it, you have to remember what it was. Every day. I have 1012 01:17:39.319 --> 01:17:42.000 to remember that this motherfucker was telling me to leave every day. I want 1013 01:17:42.000 --> 01:17:45.720 you. I didn't leave, just fucking leave just like and then was also 1014 01:17:45.800 --> 01:17:47.000 telling me like, oh but you need me. You know what? I'm 1015 01:17:47.000 --> 01:17:49.039 saying, makeing it seem like I needed him. And my thing is, 1016 01:17:50.520 --> 01:17:54.199 you know that I don't have anywhere to go, so you know you, 1017 01:17:55.199 --> 01:17:57.479 you know I don't have anywhere to go, But no, I don't fucking 1018 01:17:57.560 --> 01:18:01.560 need you. I don't need you. But yeah, you have to remember 1019 01:18:01.640 --> 01:18:05.960 that, like you have to remember what you experienced in those moments and how 1020 01:18:06.000 --> 01:18:14.359 you were being treated every day, Like remember the truth, Remember remember what 1021 01:18:14.600 --> 01:18:20.439 was happening. Don't even worry about a motherfucker moving on and being better for 1022 01:18:20.520 --> 01:18:25.359 the next cause they're not gonna they do this. They do this, this 1023 01:18:25.520 --> 01:18:29.319 is them. They're never gonna change. So I don't care what a motherfucker 1024 01:18:29.319 --> 01:18:32.279 post on social media try to throw in your face and ad like, do 1025 01:18:32.399 --> 01:18:43.640 it to the next one, not me. The very hot and cold energy, 1026 01:18:43.760 --> 01:18:49.279 the back and forth, like the antics and the eggshlls, like narcissists. 1027 01:18:50.079 --> 01:18:55.600 They should be actors because they put on a whole production. Don't let 1028 01:18:55.680 --> 01:19:00.720 them rage out and have a moment like the antics, the theatric the product 1029 01:19:00.880 --> 01:19:05.840 like, and they're gonna do all again. They're gonna do all of this 1030 01:19:06.800 --> 01:19:13.680 and want to be the victim. My thing is, you can't be the 1031 01:19:13.800 --> 01:19:18.720 victim and the aggressor. You can't be the victim and the oppressor, you 1032 01:19:18.760 --> 01:19:26.000 know what I'm saying. So it got to a point where he wasn't taking 1033 01:19:26.039 --> 01:19:29.039 me to work but again, and so he had a whole schedule himself too. 1034 01:19:29.119 --> 01:19:30.439 But it got to the point where, Okay, now you're trying to 1035 01:19:30.760 --> 01:19:33.800 make things super difficult for me. You want me to leave. Cool, 1036 01:19:33.960 --> 01:19:35.800 I'm trying to get on my feet. I'm trying, you know what I'm 1037 01:19:35.800 --> 01:19:40.000 saying. It was times where I'm like, why can't we just coexist in 1038 01:19:40.079 --> 01:19:42.760 this space? I can't. You're bothering me, your presence bothers me. 1039 01:19:43.319 --> 01:19:48.000 I'm not even doing anything to you. But like you know, didn't want 1040 01:19:48.039 --> 01:19:50.479 to take me to work, wanted to make sure hard, wanted me to 1041 01:19:50.560 --> 01:19:54.760 have to spend even more money. So I'm like, cool, whatever, 1042 01:19:54.800 --> 01:20:01.640 you know whatever. Another thing about dealing with this type of individual is like 1043 01:20:02.239 --> 01:20:05.720 how I said, antics and eggshells. You have to walk on eggs shells 1044 01:20:05.760 --> 01:20:12.359 with this person. It's a very uncomfortable situation. It's it's a jackal and 1045 01:20:12.439 --> 01:20:17.279 hide situation because you never know what person you're gonna get waking up like you 1046 01:20:17.439 --> 01:20:21.920 never know what you're gonna deal with. I was so full of like anxiety 1047 01:20:23.119 --> 01:20:27.680 and just always in flight or flight mode because I never knew how he was 1048 01:20:27.720 --> 01:20:34.760 gonna act. I never knew what to expect. So it's a very challenging 1049 01:20:34.840 --> 01:20:40.680 thing to deal with. I'm telling you, every everything is blamed on you. 1050 01:20:40.840 --> 01:20:44.279 Everything is your fault. You don't know what you're arguing about. An 1051 01:20:44.359 --> 01:20:50.960 argument is never an argument with a narcissist. Like if we talk if if 1052 01:20:51.000 --> 01:20:55.239 we're talking about the water bottle, it's gonna be about everything, but it's 1053 01:20:55.239 --> 01:20:59.600 gonna be about everything else in the room. Like I asked you a question 1054 01:20:59.640 --> 01:21:04.239 about the water bottle. It's stressful. It's very stressful. Again, the 1055 01:21:04.279 --> 01:21:09.439 whole thing about the react of abuse. So it's like he will always do 1056 01:21:09.640 --> 01:21:14.159 things to fuck with me and with me again being what I like to say 1057 01:21:14.319 --> 01:21:16.520 is like a mentally strong person or whatever, like I don't let shit. 1058 01:21:16.760 --> 01:21:19.439 I try not to let shit get to me. I'm a very calm and 1059 01:21:19.479 --> 01:21:23.159 peaceful person. If you know me, you know you know what I'm saying. 1060 01:21:23.199 --> 01:21:26.239 I don't like confrontation. I don't like to argue, so it but 1061 01:21:26.760 --> 01:21:30.279 it's a catch twenty two. You're never gonna win, So it's like you 1062 01:21:30.439 --> 01:21:35.720 purposely fuck with me or try to provoke me, and I don't want to 1063 01:21:35.840 --> 01:21:40.039 say nothing because I'm not trying to you know what I'm saying. I'm not 1064 01:21:40.319 --> 01:21:44.840 about to give you want. My energy is what you want? You wanna 1065 01:21:44.920 --> 01:21:46.880 respond whatever you could get from me is gonna get you off. It's like 1066 01:21:47.800 --> 01:21:51.960 it's like having an orgasm for them. Any type of any type of energy 1067 01:21:53.119 --> 01:21:57.239 or reaction that you give them is gonna get them off. So's it's hard 1068 01:21:57.359 --> 01:22:00.000 to bite your tongue and be like I'm I'm not gonna give you what you 1069 01:22:00.119 --> 01:22:03.399 want, because then on the flip side, it's like, oh, I 1070 01:22:03.479 --> 01:22:05.680 could keep fucking with you, I could keep provoking you know what I'm saying. 1071 01:22:06.079 --> 01:22:10.039 So then it's kind of like that conditioning you to take whatever it is 1072 01:22:10.119 --> 01:22:15.239 that they doing. So it's a very weird situation. And again, this 1073 01:22:15.359 --> 01:22:21.920 shit takes a toll on you mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually if you 1074 01:22:23.000 --> 01:22:27.720 don't know a lot about it. TikTok University, TikTok, TikTok got everything 1075 01:22:27.840 --> 01:22:30.840 on there, and it's a lot of people on there that can really, 1076 01:22:33.199 --> 01:22:38.000 you know, educate you about what it is. And the crazy part is 1077 01:22:38.039 --> 01:22:43.119 when you look in the comments and you see like people and it's both men 1078 01:22:43.199 --> 01:22:45.960 and women that go through this, but seeing people that say, like I 1079 01:22:46.119 --> 01:22:49.279 was married to a person like that for twenty years and all that, and 1080 01:22:49.399 --> 01:22:53.880 it's like I was only going for I was only going through this for eight 1081 01:22:54.000 --> 01:22:59.560 months. I can't imagine going through that for twenty years because of the effects 1082 01:22:59.600 --> 01:23:02.520 that it have. I follow this girl on the Instagram. Her name is 1083 01:23:02.880 --> 01:23:10.760 Alex March Energy, and I want to say that she's like she talks about 1084 01:23:10.840 --> 01:23:13.680 her being in an abusive relationship. I'm not sure if it was a nurse, 1085 01:23:13.840 --> 01:23:17.239 but whatever, it probably was, but she really gets deep, like 1086 01:23:17.359 --> 01:23:25.039 she's on some healing shit, but she talks about how like you gotta heal 1087 01:23:25.319 --> 01:23:29.319 your body from that shit because of the toll that it takes on you physically. 1088 01:23:29.640 --> 01:23:33.560 Like people get so many physical ailments from being in that situation, like 1089 01:23:33.720 --> 01:23:38.800 making themselves sick, and like just you gotta think of like dealing with that 1090 01:23:38.920 --> 01:23:45.840 shit every day. So many issues like what is it gastro in like whatever, 1091 01:23:45.920 --> 01:23:53.079 stomach issue, just health all types of health issues from that from dealing 1092 01:23:53.399 --> 01:24:01.000 with a bad relationship and then don't be in a physically abusive relationship and we're 1093 01:24:01.039 --> 01:24:03.520 not there yet. Let me see what else did I have on here? 1094 01:24:06.199 --> 01:24:14.279 Every car ride was either silent or argument everyone everyone, And it was also 1095 01:24:14.399 --> 01:24:16.319 so weird because again remember I said, like jae niggas are smart, like 1096 01:24:16.439 --> 01:24:18.840 they read a lot of books. They probably know the Bible front and back. 1097 01:24:19.359 --> 01:24:23.560 It was always so weird that he will always play like Joel Olstein in 1098 01:24:23.600 --> 01:24:27.119 the car and im and every time the message would hit so hard and it 1099 01:24:27.119 --> 01:24:30.520 would be like about him, like the message would be for me, about 1100 01:24:30.560 --> 01:24:33.600 him, and I'm like, not not you giving me the message to leave 1101 01:24:33.640 --> 01:24:43.760 you the fuck alone? Like so crazy, bringing up other women, throwing 1102 01:24:43.800 --> 01:24:49.800 them in my face, triangulation, all of that, Should I go here? 1103 01:24:50.039 --> 01:24:54.640 Should I go here? With it? And then again reactive abuse, 1104 01:24:55.199 --> 01:24:59.840 so doing shit perfectly to piss me off, and all of that. First, 1105 01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:02.720 well, let me say this, I haven't went through a phone in 1106 01:25:02.800 --> 01:25:06.159 a long time. I'm talking about in years. Like if you feel like 1107 01:25:06.159 --> 01:25:10.439 you gotta go through somebody's phone, then you know that it's over. And 1108 01:25:10.560 --> 01:25:15.319 that's not even really the case. But I have a person that's literally always 1109 01:25:15.439 --> 01:25:21.760 saying very outlandish things to me about being with other women, or like wanting 1110 01:25:21.840 --> 01:25:29.039 to have multiple women or having a girlfriend, wanting to have two baby mamas, 1111 01:25:29.199 --> 01:25:33.079 or having somebody pregnant, like just very weirdsh like why are you saying 1112 01:25:33.159 --> 01:25:41.039 this shit to me? So something whatever. It wasn't even his phone, 1113 01:25:41.119 --> 01:25:45.560 but he was locked into his shit on there, so mind you, he 1114 01:25:45.680 --> 01:25:47.600 had just said some crazy shit to me, and I'm like, okay, 1115 01:25:47.800 --> 01:25:50.840 well, let's take a look and see, because why are you saying all 1116 01:25:50.880 --> 01:26:00.239 this weird ass shit to me? So I go and look, and there's 1117 01:26:00.279 --> 01:26:05.000 some shit in there. And this is how I know this, How I 1118 01:26:05.079 --> 01:26:08.640 knew, Well, I knew from the jump that I was never in his 1119 01:26:08.800 --> 01:26:11.159 league and that I should have never really talked to him on that level, 1120 01:26:11.279 --> 01:26:18.000 like I should have never did it. And I would think about that too, 1121 01:26:18.119 --> 01:26:23.079 like if I ever took him around like some Detroit niggas or just around 1122 01:26:23.199 --> 01:26:30.159 my people, they would be like Jazz Main like no no. But so 1123 01:26:30.319 --> 01:26:32.640 I did look at the phone and I found some shit, and I was 1124 01:26:32.760 --> 01:26:38.880 like, this is how I know, Cause you talk to bitches and you 1125 01:26:39.119 --> 01:26:45.199 fuck with bitches that look like they still pussy on Instagram and for the low, 1126 01:26:46.159 --> 01:26:51.960 for the low, and I don't know I don't know with me. 1127 01:26:53.359 --> 01:26:57.760 You you try to be this super enlightened individual and just it's just, you 1128 01:26:57.840 --> 01:27:01.359 know, you a different person with me. But the caliber of women that 1129 01:27:02.199 --> 01:27:09.039 is really your speed is not me. And that's how I knew. And 1130 01:27:09.199 --> 01:27:13.039 then of course that led to like I can't be trusted and all of this, 1131 01:27:13.399 --> 01:27:15.760 Like, bro, you saying some wild shit to me. I had 1132 01:27:15.800 --> 01:27:17.520 to find out. I had to find out what the fuck is going on. 1133 01:27:24.239 --> 01:27:29.039 Another thing is like you gotta realize that you make a person what they 1134 01:27:29.119 --> 01:27:31.039 are, you know what I'm saying, with the energy and the attention and 1135 01:27:31.079 --> 01:27:36.560 the affection that you give them. Because and I wish Jocelyn was gonna get 1136 01:27:36.560 --> 01:27:40.560 on here with me today. She was supposed to tap in and stream on. 1137 01:27:40.840 --> 01:27:48.560 But like I'll be honest, I when I first had came across him, 1138 01:27:48.800 --> 01:27:51.720 I didn't think that he was attractive. I wasn't like, oh my 1139 01:27:51.800 --> 01:27:55.000 god, this the finest nigga art like. It wasn't. It was just 1140 01:27:55.119 --> 01:27:59.920 becau. And again that's because I'm a person of substance and of quality. 1141 01:28:00.760 --> 01:28:03.680 So again I was intrigued by the whole yoga thing and like all of that. 1142 01:28:04.560 --> 01:28:08.720 But as time went on, you know, what I'm saying. I 1143 01:28:08.800 --> 01:28:11.720 put my energy in all and all of that into you, and I made 1144 01:28:11.800 --> 01:28:15.319 you to be what you was in my mind and I made you that, 1145 01:28:15.680 --> 01:28:21.520 you know what I'm saying. And that's the thing because people, it was 1146 01:28:21.560 --> 01:28:24.640 so many times when people like, oh, let me see let me see 1147 01:28:24.640 --> 01:28:28.640 a picture of him or whatever, and I'm like, nah, no, 1148 01:28:28.880 --> 01:28:30.840 I don't want to show you a picture of him, Like why not? 1149 01:28:30.800 --> 01:28:38.920 Mm hmmm, I just don't. And Jocelyn know what I used to call 1150 01:28:39.039 --> 01:28:50.520 him? But what else? What else? Another another funny thing? This 1151 01:28:50.600 --> 01:28:55.880 is not funny, but another funny thing, like for somebody to be such 1152 01:28:55.920 --> 01:29:00.239 a such a man of God and all of this, like you really just 1153 01:29:00.279 --> 01:29:02.720 say a lot of wild shit, Like basically told me one time, like 1154 01:29:03.239 --> 01:29:05.960 I could be an asshole because I got the upper hand, you know what 1155 01:29:06.039 --> 01:29:12.920 I'm saying, Like like because I'm in a situation where I'm staying with you, 1156 01:29:12.920 --> 01:29:14.720 you know what I'm saying. So it's kind of like, oh, 1157 01:29:14.760 --> 01:29:16.119 you just got you kind of gotta just take this treatment. And it's like, 1158 01:29:16.239 --> 01:29:18.800 no, I don't you know what I'm saying. But to a certain 1159 01:29:18.840 --> 01:29:24.560 extent, I was, because you know, I'm in a foreign place again. 1160 01:29:24.600 --> 01:29:28.119 I uprooted my life to come here, and no, I don't just 1161 01:29:28.399 --> 01:29:33.279 have nowhere to go off top. And we're gonna get to that. What 1162 01:29:33.439 --> 01:29:49.319 else? Hmm, So let's let's start getting to uh, let's let's let's 1163 01:29:49.359 --> 01:29:58.199 start getting to the end. So July, August, September. I'm telling 1164 01:29:58.279 --> 01:30:06.439 y'all, it was something literally every day. And my thing is one thing 1165 01:30:06.520 --> 01:30:10.640 that you had to realize in this type of situation is like, you gotta 1166 01:30:10.720 --> 01:30:15.720 recognize what's happening and detach yourself from the energy. And that's the thing. 1167 01:30:15.039 --> 01:30:21.960 Like I feel like people feel like, like, say, it's not physical 1168 01:30:23.039 --> 01:30:28.439 abuse, but it's still mental, emotional, verbal abuse, whatever, that's 1169 01:30:28.600 --> 01:30:31.319 enough. That's enough, and that shit will break you down, especially if 1170 01:30:31.359 --> 01:30:36.720 it's happening every day. But I feel like if people feel like, oh, 1171 01:30:36.840 --> 01:30:40.039 it's not physical, you know what I'm saying, it might be kind 1172 01:30:40.079 --> 01:30:43.800 of harder to leave the situation. But I knew that it wasn't right, 1173 01:30:43.920 --> 01:30:45.279 you know what I'm saying. I knew that it didn't feel right. It 1174 01:30:45.319 --> 01:30:49.079 didn't feel good even in moment, And that's the thing I said. I 1175 01:30:49.239 --> 01:30:54.239 saw somebody left a comment on a TikTok video about these type of situations. 1176 01:30:54.279 --> 01:30:58.720 And she was like, I had wrote down all of the pros and cons, 1177 01:30:58.760 --> 01:31:00.479 and she said she only had three pros and the rest were cons. 1178 01:31:00.760 --> 01:31:03.319 Now, mind you, this is not even a pro and con Lin, 1179 01:31:03.680 --> 01:31:10.880 it's just notes about shit. That was like, but again that's I don't 1180 01:31:10.960 --> 01:31:19.159 have any pros. I don't have any pros to this situation. I cannot 1181 01:31:19.239 --> 01:31:28.439 name one pro. Like, for real, I can't name one pro. 1182 01:31:29.760 --> 01:31:34.680 So, yeah, you gotta separate yourself from an unhealthy situation, especially when 1183 01:31:34.720 --> 01:31:40.520 you know but I know that, Like it's hard and just how when my 1184 01:31:40.560 --> 01:31:42.760 homegirl call, you know, people be like, oh, well you should 1185 01:31:42.840 --> 01:31:46.800 just leave or what Like, it's so much easier said to done said than 1186 01:31:46.880 --> 01:31:50.439 done, especially depending on the circumstances of your situation. Again, I uprooted 1187 01:31:50.479 --> 01:31:55.119 my life and came to a whole nother state. I could just go back 1188 01:31:55.119 --> 01:31:57.000 to your trade, but I got a job. Now I'm not trying, 1189 01:31:57.039 --> 01:32:00.840 you know, I'm not trying to leave, but I know I need to 1190 01:32:00.880 --> 01:32:02.920 get out of there. And I will say that, like, my faith 1191 01:32:03.039 --> 01:32:09.039 in God has really been tested during this time, and it's also become a 1192 01:32:09.079 --> 01:32:15.199 lot stronger because I found myself praying so much more. I literally was praying 1193 01:32:15.359 --> 01:32:24.439 my way out of this situation. And but I feel like God was telling 1194 01:32:24.520 --> 01:32:29.000 me like Okay, well you got to move your feet though. But it's 1195 01:32:29.159 --> 01:32:31.920 it's scary when you know what I'm saying, you really don't have no support 1196 01:32:33.399 --> 01:32:36.520 and you know what I'm saying, Like it was like, Okay, I'm 1197 01:32:36.560 --> 01:32:40.880 praying to get out of this situation. I know. I like every day. 1198 01:32:43.640 --> 01:32:45.399 Every day, I was like, I gotta get out of this. 1199 01:32:47.159 --> 01:32:54.079 And moment of honesty another thing, and this is for the ladies because I 1200 01:32:54.199 --> 01:32:57.479 know they gonna be able to relate. Another thing. Kept telling that. 1201 01:32:57.560 --> 01:33:00.000 I kept telling myself. I was like, you have got to you got 1202 01:33:00.079 --> 01:33:05.960 to stop having sex with this person for real, Like energy exchange is a 1203 01:33:06.119 --> 01:33:13.199 real thing, and and that's the thing you taking all my good energy. 1204 01:33:13.319 --> 01:33:15.520 You know what I'm saying. And what am I getting back from you? 1205 01:33:15.960 --> 01:33:20.720 Nothing? And you know what, I don't know what kind of shit he 1206 01:33:20.840 --> 01:33:24.520 into, but I ain't gonna lie. One time he put on and I 1207 01:33:24.640 --> 01:33:30.600 put him onto this, Uh it's a like a guided meditation, I guess 1208 01:33:30.640 --> 01:33:34.640 type thing that I put him onto really good for manifestation and shit like that 1209 01:33:35.119 --> 01:33:39.159 he put that shit on one night and then was having sex with me, 1210 01:33:39.199 --> 01:33:42.760 and I'm like, this nigga trying to manufact some shit. Oh my good 1211 01:33:42.880 --> 01:33:53.760 vagina mm hmmmm mmm. So but that's another thing too, like get out. 1212 01:33:56.399 --> 01:33:59.800 So anyway, let's let's let's start getting to like what really brought it 1213 01:33:59.840 --> 01:34:01.199 to the end for real. Like I told you, I was trying to 1214 01:34:01.199 --> 01:34:10.800 pray my way out of the situation. It was just I don't even know 1215 01:34:10.880 --> 01:34:13.079 how I was doing it. Every day. I don't know how I was 1216 01:34:13.119 --> 01:34:14.920 doing it. I don't know how I was dealing with it. But like 1217 01:34:15.000 --> 01:34:18.399 I said, being waking up wee hours of the morning, I'm talking about 1218 01:34:18.399 --> 01:34:24.279 three am just to argue, just to fuck with me. And I don't 1219 01:34:24.359 --> 01:34:27.439 know if these are two separate times that I'm putting together in my mind, 1220 01:34:27.479 --> 01:34:29.399 but it was one time that he had woke me up in the middle of 1221 01:34:30.239 --> 01:34:34.159 the night. I wanted to go back to sleep so bad, but he 1222 01:34:34.359 --> 01:34:40.199 just would not stop talking to me. It's like, you're gonna talk to 1223 01:34:40.279 --> 01:34:45.279 me, like you don't force me to talk to you. And he said 1224 01:34:46.159 --> 01:34:54.479 the craziest, meanest shit that you could ever say to somebody, And again, 1225 01:34:54.560 --> 01:34:58.760 you just gotta let it go. In one ear and out the other, 1226 01:35:03.760 --> 01:35:09.960 and I remember him saying and then again too, just saying, like 1227 01:35:10.079 --> 01:35:13.840 how telling me what kind of woman he really do want and what type of 1228 01:35:13.880 --> 01:35:16.039 person he go change for or what type of man, Like you're never going 1229 01:35:16.079 --> 01:35:21.600 to be there for somebody You're not, You're not but telling me how this 1230 01:35:21.680 --> 01:35:26.119 situation and how I made him not ever want to be in a relationship, 1231 01:35:26.199 --> 01:35:29.319 ever, get married, want to live with somebody whatever, And that's fine. 1232 01:35:29.359 --> 01:35:30.960 Maybe he really don't want that, maybe he want to be by hisself, 1233 01:35:31.000 --> 01:35:34.319 and that's cool. I don't want those things either. I mean I 1234 01:35:34.520 --> 01:35:38.439 want those things, but I know that I don't want them with you, 1235 01:35:39.600 --> 01:35:43.600 and I'm never gonna get those things if I continue to stay here. Well, 1236 01:35:43.720 --> 01:35:46.479 you know whatever, I'm working towards period, And my my thing was 1237 01:35:46.520 --> 01:35:50.039 always like we had an agreement when when I came here. You know what 1238 01:35:50.079 --> 01:35:54.600 I'm saying, we had a whole plan on and even if we and I'm 1239 01:35:54.640 --> 01:35:57.319 past us not being together, I'm past that now. You know. I 1240 01:35:57.359 --> 01:35:59.960 don't I don't want to be with you either. I see who you true 1241 01:36:00.079 --> 01:36:04.159 we are, and the next bitch is gonna see when the mask falls off 1242 01:36:04.199 --> 01:36:09.319 too, you know, what I'm saying, but I want those things. 1243 01:36:09.680 --> 01:36:14.880 So the longer that you stay in situations that you know are not meant for 1244 01:36:15.000 --> 01:36:20.439 you, the longer you delay what is for you. I was praying to 1245 01:36:20.439 --> 01:36:25.880 get out of the situation, but I was not moving my feet. So 1246 01:36:27.760 --> 01:36:33.800 all of that had happened. And then just again just fucking with me every 1247 01:36:33.880 --> 01:36:39.119 day, every day, every day. So one of the last days I 1248 01:36:39.239 --> 01:36:45.039 remember, like when he had woke me up to argue in the morning. 1249 01:36:46.319 --> 01:36:49.279 It was going back and forth on like whether he was gonna take me to 1250 01:36:49.359 --> 01:36:54.199 work or not, but he ended up taking me to work. And then 1251 01:36:54.239 --> 01:36:56.640 when I got to work, he called me and was still fucking with me, 1252 01:36:58.159 --> 01:37:00.600 and it was a whole little argument. It was a whole little thing. 1253 01:37:00.279 --> 01:37:03.800 And then he was like, man, and this wasn't the first time 1254 01:37:03.840 --> 01:37:08.439 that he threatened to throw my shit out or tell me to leave, Like 1255 01:37:08.560 --> 01:37:11.399 may he have been telling me this the entire time that I've been here. 1256 01:37:12.039 --> 01:37:14.840 So he was like, I'm gonna bring your shit up to your job and 1257 01:37:14.920 --> 01:37:17.439 da da da da da, And so I'm like, man, don't do 1258 01:37:17.560 --> 01:37:23.239 that. Like this ghetto as fuck, it's ignorant as fuck, it's patty 1259 01:37:23.279 --> 01:37:26.760 as fuck. It's embarrassing as fuck. Don't have these people in my fucking 1260 01:37:26.800 --> 01:37:29.840 bits. You know what I'm saying, Like, I you want me to 1261 01:37:29.960 --> 01:37:32.039 leave, I will leave. I'll just come get my shit and I'll leave. 1262 01:37:32.640 --> 01:37:35.000 And so he didn't end up bringing my shit up to the job. 1263 01:37:36.159 --> 01:37:40.760 Got home that day, he was still talking shit to me. Whatever, 1264 01:37:41.159 --> 01:37:50.119 leave leave leave man. And I ended up taking my hair down that day. 1265 01:37:50.399 --> 01:37:54.600 I had braids in my hair, and I took my hair down. 1266 01:37:55.880 --> 01:37:59.079 And by the time that I got done taking down my hair and washing my 1267 01:37:59.239 --> 01:38:03.199 hair and doing and all of that shit, I had went on the couch. 1268 01:38:04.720 --> 01:38:06.640 I happened to look at my phone and he was like, oh, 1269 01:38:06.720 --> 01:38:12.960 well, you can come in the room if you want to. So I 1270 01:38:13.039 --> 01:38:15.600 went in the room, because who the fuck wants to sleep on the couch, 1271 01:38:15.680 --> 01:38:18.279 bro, You know who wants to sleep on couch? So I go 1272 01:38:18.359 --> 01:38:21.319 in there and like, hey, don't touch me whatever, blah blah blah 1273 01:38:21.479 --> 01:38:29.640 whatever. I'm just sitting here. Of course, he tried it that night 1274 01:38:29.680 --> 01:38:33.119 and I'm like, no, straight, I don't want to do it. 1275 01:38:35.199 --> 01:38:45.520 He stopped, and then that next morning he was trying it again, and 1276 01:38:45.640 --> 01:38:51.560 I still was like, no, I don't want to do it now when 1277 01:38:51.640 --> 01:39:00.840 somebody declines your sexual advances and you say that you don't care and to stop 1278 01:39:00.920 --> 01:39:03.840 fighting you. I think we all know what that is, right, But 1279 01:39:03.960 --> 01:39:08.520 we didn't end up having sex. But it's the whole point that you was 1280 01:39:08.600 --> 01:39:11.199 trying it, you know what I'm saying. The fact that you said that 1281 01:39:11.359 --> 01:39:15.520 too really just left a very bad taste in my mouth, and I made 1282 01:39:15.560 --> 01:39:21.199 a mental note of that, so I will never forget. So since I 1283 01:39:21.279 --> 01:39:24.239 didn't want to do it, he was like, all right, get out, 1284 01:39:24.640 --> 01:39:31.199 is heim? Get out? So I went back out into the living 1285 01:39:31.239 --> 01:39:38.079 room. And at this point, it's early in the morning, so everybody's 1286 01:39:38.159 --> 01:39:46.439 awake and getting ready for the day and him and he comes out of the 1287 01:39:46.520 --> 01:39:56.119 room. Him and his sister get into an argument about some shit that ain't 1288 01:39:56.119 --> 01:39:59.880 got nothing to do with me, right, So I'm already I'm sitting on 1289 01:40:00.079 --> 01:40:04.279 the couch. I'm minding my own business. And they're arguing and I'm talking 1290 01:40:04.319 --> 01:40:10.159 about at the top of the lungs, face to face. Like everybody's out 1291 01:40:10.199 --> 01:40:13.479 in the living room, everybody's getting ready for their day, and I'm sitting 1292 01:40:13.520 --> 01:40:17.079 on the couch again, I'm minding my own motherfucking business. I don't have 1293 01:40:17.159 --> 01:40:23.039 nothing to do with the argument has nothing to do with me. He gets 1294 01:40:23.159 --> 01:40:26.760 triggered by what she says. And I know because after she said it, 1295 01:40:27.159 --> 01:40:34.079 I looked at him in his face and he was triggered. And I don't 1296 01:40:34.079 --> 01:40:39.920 know if it's because she spoke some truth that he might have thought that I 1297 01:40:40.239 --> 01:40:45.680 didn't know, or whatever, but he was triggered on top of the fact 1298 01:40:45.720 --> 01:40:48.520 that you ain't have sex with me. So you probably you probably big mad, 1299 01:40:48.600 --> 01:40:51.960 right you are? He big mad now, and you're looking like a 1300 01:40:53.000 --> 01:40:57.319 fool in front of me, So you big mad? They arguing, they 1301 01:40:57.479 --> 01:41:01.640 arguing. You know, I ain't gotta go into what they was arguing about. 1302 01:41:01.680 --> 01:41:06.039 But then he he put the spotlight on me. But you're gonna let 1303 01:41:06.079 --> 01:41:14.239 a random bitch stay here, the bitch that you brought here, the bitch 1304 01:41:14.279 --> 01:41:16.720 that you banned in the cars cover. Yeah, I'm here. But I'm 1305 01:41:16.760 --> 01:41:19.960 not even saying nothing cause it ain't my business. I'm not trying to get 1306 01:41:20.000 --> 01:41:24.039 into it. And I'm at a disadvantage in this situation because at the end 1307 01:41:24.079 --> 01:41:27.720 of the day, y'all are family. You know what I'm saying, y'all 1308 01:41:27.800 --> 01:41:30.600 ain't about to gang up on me. And you know what I'm saying, 1309 01:41:30.359 --> 01:41:33.800 I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything to you this entire time that 1310 01:41:33.880 --> 01:41:41.840 I've been here. But I know how to mind my business. So this 1311 01:41:42.000 --> 01:41:46.439 bitch gotta go, This bitch gotta go. She's like, Jazmine, you 1312 01:41:46.479 --> 01:41:49.960 don't have to leave. No, this bitch gotta go. He started grabbing 1313 01:41:50.039 --> 01:41:55.960 my shit, throwing my shit all around the room. It's getting real heated. 1314 01:41:56.199 --> 01:42:00.720 But I'm still not saying anything. I'm not doing anything. I'm not 1315 01:42:00.920 --> 01:42:03.119 going you know what I'm saying. I'm not gonna make the situation worse. 1316 01:42:03.199 --> 01:42:08.279 I'm not gonna put fuel on the fire. I'm at a disadvantage in this 1317 01:42:08.399 --> 01:42:14.840 situation. He's very upset. He has a lot of misdirected anger, and 1318 01:42:15.000 --> 01:42:20.359 now what's coming at me. So I don't know if I was already just 1319 01:42:20.439 --> 01:42:24.039 standing up, but he came over and he pushed me onto the couch. 1320 01:42:24.319 --> 01:42:29.079 This bitch gotta go, This bitch gotta go, grabs me by my Before 1321 01:42:29.119 --> 01:42:30.600 he did that, I thought he was gonna start punching me. So I'm 1322 01:42:30.760 --> 01:42:34.680 like this, And you know, I told a few people in this story, 1323 01:42:34.760 --> 01:42:38.399 like a few girls or whatever, and everybody like, you ain't fight 1324 01:42:38.560 --> 01:42:42.159 him? You ain't, are you crazy? So these motherfuckers could beat my 1325 01:42:42.239 --> 01:42:45.239 ass and throw me in a lake somewhere like I no, no, no. 1326 01:42:46.000 --> 01:42:48.319 So I'm like this cause I thought he was gonna start punching me, 1327 01:42:48.880 --> 01:42:51.319 and he grabs me by my hair and pulled me off the couch like this 1328 01:42:51.399 --> 01:42:56.279 bitch gotta go. I'm like, bro, I will leave. And this 1329 01:42:56.439 --> 01:43:00.079 is what I'm saying. When you stay in a situation way longer than what 1330 01:43:00.159 --> 01:43:02.239 you're supposed to, I knew I should have been left that situation. And 1331 01:43:02.319 --> 01:43:06.520 it's so funny because up until the days leading up into this, in my 1332 01:43:06.640 --> 01:43:10.159 mind, I kept saying, like, this is it is starting to become 1333 01:43:10.199 --> 01:43:15.039 a lot for me mentally, emotionally, like spiritually, I'm like, I'm 1334 01:43:15.079 --> 01:43:17.079 a strong person, but it's starting to become a lot. It's really starting 1335 01:43:17.119 --> 01:43:19.399 to weigh on me. It's really starting to take a toll on me. 1336 01:43:19.479 --> 01:43:21.640 And I'm like, in my mind I kept saying this. I was like, 1337 01:43:21.720 --> 01:43:25.239 I don't want it to become physical. You know what I'm saying. 1338 01:43:26.079 --> 01:43:29.640 I don't want it to so that's happening. I'm like, bro, I 1339 01:43:29.720 --> 01:43:31.720 will leave, so I go lock myself in a room. I start gathering 1340 01:43:31.760 --> 01:43:35.399 my stuff up, and at this point he's still just going off. Mind 1341 01:43:35.439 --> 01:43:42.319 you, the argument had nothing to do with me. But again, every 1342 01:43:42.399 --> 01:43:44.920 day he was telling me to leave, so I knew how he felt, 1343 01:43:45.079 --> 01:43:46.640 you know what I'm saying, But he was using this as an opportunity to 1344 01:43:46.800 --> 01:43:51.640 just go off. So whatever. But while I'm in the room gathering my 1345 01:43:51.760 --> 01:43:57.079 stuff, and you know, I gotta make light of any situation. One 1346 01:43:57.119 --> 01:44:00.560 thing I'm always gonna do is get my hair done. So the day before 1347 01:44:00.600 --> 01:44:01.640 that, I took my brains, so I had a hair appointment this morning. 1348 01:44:01.840 --> 01:44:04.039 So I'm like, man, God, please just let me make it 1349 01:44:04.079 --> 01:44:08.239 to my hair appointment, Like I want to get my shit brady today I'm 1350 01:44:08.319 --> 01:44:12.600 thinking that. So I'm gathering my things and as I'm gathering my things, 1351 01:44:12.640 --> 01:44:15.560 he's still going off. He's still yelling, he's still loud as fuck, 1352 01:44:15.000 --> 01:44:18.359 and he's like, nah, uh, I guess his sister was saying like 1353 01:44:18.439 --> 01:44:20.399 she was gonna call a police on him. He like, you wanna call 1354 01:44:20.439 --> 01:44:24.319 a police on your brother? And he was like, I'm gonna go to 1355 01:44:24.439 --> 01:44:28.239 jail behind this, Like she can't stay here if she do, she not 1356 01:44:28.399 --> 01:44:32.079 gonna be safe here. Mental note. And again, when a person shows 1357 01:44:32.119 --> 01:44:36.239 you who they are, believe it. Now. I remember throughout this whole 1358 01:44:36.319 --> 01:44:40.159 thing, I never did anything to this man ever, And even in this 1359 01:44:40.359 --> 01:44:43.880 moment, in this where it became physical, I never did anything to you. 1360 01:44:44.000 --> 01:44:46.880 I never said anything to you. So in my mind, I'm making 1361 01:44:46.920 --> 01:44:49.800 a mental note of him saying that I'm not gonna be safe here if I 1362 01:44:49.880 --> 01:44:54.159 stay here. You know what I'm saying. So when you come back with 1363 01:44:54.279 --> 01:44:57.319 an apology, And that's another thing. Even when I said, like that 1364 01:44:57.520 --> 01:45:00.039 night we was in the bed and he has said some of the the craziest 1365 01:45:00.119 --> 01:45:02.319 meaningshit that you could ever say to a person. He was like, and 1366 01:45:02.880 --> 01:45:08.079 if I ever apologize or or or take back what I said, just know 1367 01:45:08.159 --> 01:45:10.760 that I don't mean that. Like I mean everything I'm saying. So you 1368 01:45:10.840 --> 01:45:14.680 gotta think everything that he said, the way that he's treated me this entire 1369 01:45:14.880 --> 01:45:19.239 time and this moment, this is who he really is. So don't ever, 1370 01:45:19.920 --> 01:45:24.760 Jasmin, don't ever in your mind trick yourself to think that he's not 1371 01:45:24.920 --> 01:45:28.800 this person, because he is. So when he was saying I'm not safe 1372 01:45:28.880 --> 01:45:32.680 here, he gonna go to jail, You gonna go to jail behind I 1373 01:45:32.880 --> 01:45:39.880 cannot wrap my mind around not doing something to somebody. And then, and 1374 01:45:40.000 --> 01:45:45.079 that's what I'm saying. So dealing with a narcissistic individual or being in this 1375 01:45:45.159 --> 01:45:49.279 type of situation, you gotta understand that like this is spiritual and psychological warfare. 1376 01:45:50.159 --> 01:45:55.199 This is a very dark, demonic type energy. And this when I 1377 01:45:55.279 --> 01:45:59.119 keep telling y'all, I never did nothing to this person. Why do you 1378 01:45:59.279 --> 01:46:02.079 want to destry by me so bad? So it goes back to that being 1379 01:46:02.159 --> 01:46:06.479 in competition with me, being jealous of me. I've never done anything to 1380 01:46:06.600 --> 01:46:12.880 you. So he like ended up barging it. I think he had left 1381 01:46:12.920 --> 01:46:15.399 and then came back and he barged in the room. He was knocking on 1382 01:46:15.439 --> 01:46:17.359 the door. I opened the door, pushed the door open, and I'm 1383 01:46:17.439 --> 01:46:20.520 like, I'm getting my stuff together. I'm about to leave. Also, 1384 01:46:20.760 --> 01:46:27.039 I'm not really sure why you have this much smoke for a for a woman 1385 01:46:27.119 --> 01:46:34.840 that's fourteen that didn't do anything to you. I didn't put my hands on 1386 01:46:34.960 --> 01:46:39.680 you, I did. You know what I'm saying, like, go fight 1387 01:46:39.720 --> 01:46:42.039 a nigga in the street, Go fight a nigga in jail, Like go 1388 01:46:42.159 --> 01:46:46.479 put your you know what I'm saying like it's very weird. So I gather 1389 01:46:46.640 --> 01:46:51.159 all of my things. I catch my lift to my hair appointment with my 1390 01:46:51.239 --> 01:46:55.960 suitcase and my hamper and my Duffel bag. And I get there and I'm 1391 01:46:55.960 --> 01:46:58.439 like, yirl, I know this shit look crazy, but whatever, and 1392 01:46:58.520 --> 01:47:00.680 I got my hair done. Oh and then and when I was in my 1393 01:47:00.760 --> 01:47:04.680 lift on the way there, he called me and was like, where are 1394 01:47:04.680 --> 01:47:09.560 you going. I'm going to get my hair done. I'm like, what 1395 01:47:09.720 --> 01:47:13.319 the fuck? And he was I'm sorry, like I took it too far, 1396 01:47:13.720 --> 01:47:18.560 like you could bring your stuff back here, like you could come back. 1397 01:47:19.039 --> 01:47:21.479 I'm about to go to work, Da da da da, And I'm 1398 01:47:21.600 --> 01:47:29.640 like, nah, I'm straight. So I got my hair done. I 1399 01:47:29.760 --> 01:47:35.399 ended up going to my job to see like what my options were and any 1400 01:47:35.439 --> 01:47:41.680 hotels that I could stay at. And he caught me a few more times 1401 01:47:41.760 --> 01:47:47.520 that day, of course, apologizing and I'm sorry, like I did have 1402 01:47:47.600 --> 01:47:53.000 a lot of misdirected anger and da da da da da, and I'm sorry, 1403 01:47:53.119 --> 01:47:56.560 Like the door is always open for you to come back. I really 1404 01:47:56.640 --> 01:47:59.439 want to stand on my word, like I said that I was gonna help 1405 01:47:59.439 --> 01:48:01.760 you get on your feet here, like I want to stand on that and 1406 01:48:01.880 --> 01:48:04.279 in my mind, I'm like, yeah, all of that sounds good, 1407 01:48:04.319 --> 01:48:12.319 but he's gonna flip again like Jazmine, do not go back there and whatever. 1408 01:48:12.439 --> 01:48:18.560 That was it. He had ended up calling me maybe like some days 1409 01:48:18.760 --> 01:48:24.239 later and was like, I'm just doing a will on this check and at 1410 01:48:24.279 --> 01:48:29.119 this point I'm in a safe place. Now I'm good, and I'm like, 1411 01:48:29.239 --> 01:48:32.119 oh, yeah, I'm good. That was it, and then he 1412 01:48:32.239 --> 01:48:41.359 had like accidentally called me another time. But if y'all know how iPhones work, 1413 01:48:41.520 --> 01:48:45.279 you know that if your phone is on do not disturb and somebody calls 1414 01:48:45.359 --> 01:48:47.199 the first time, it goes straight to voicemail. If they call a second 1415 01:48:47.279 --> 01:48:49.880 time, then the call goes through. My phone was on do not disturb. 1416 01:48:49.960 --> 01:48:53.640 He said, oh, I called you on a accident two times, 1417 01:48:53.960 --> 01:49:00.000 but I just didn't even say nothing. And then after that he was messaging 1418 01:49:00.239 --> 01:49:04.960 me because like Samel was going over there. He like, you don't live 1419 01:49:05.079 --> 01:49:08.880 here. Stop getting your He said that to me to again, I have 1420 01:49:09.000 --> 01:49:11.560 something else went over there today. He like, I'm gonna call the police 1421 01:49:11.640 --> 01:49:15.840 on you. I should call the police on you for physically assaulting me, 1422 01:49:15.159 --> 01:49:18.920 Like what are you talking about? Oh? And then this this was the 1423 01:49:19.000 --> 01:49:27.760 kicker too. Uh. Maybe about a week or so ago, he asked 1424 01:49:27.800 --> 01:49:30.680 me, like, why was I still talking to his family? And I'm 1425 01:49:30.760 --> 01:49:33.680 like, Bro, your sister called me you're a liar. We're looking at 1426 01:49:33.720 --> 01:49:39.479 the call log right now. I sent him a screenshot of the incoming call 1427 01:49:39.600 --> 01:49:42.520 from his sister. He was like, it doesn't matter. I'm telling her 1428 01:49:42.560 --> 01:49:47.720 to block you. You're insane, bro, And I just want to be 1429 01:49:47.800 --> 01:49:54.800 left alone. And at the end of the day, I had to come 1430 01:49:54.880 --> 01:50:00.199 on here and share my experience with y'all because you know, I I been 1431 01:50:00.239 --> 01:50:01.720 gone all the time. I need to get back to myself. I need 1432 01:50:01.800 --> 01:50:04.119 to get back to creating. I need to get back to the podcast. 1433 01:50:05.960 --> 01:50:10.199 I'm not just trying to work my job and that be it. I wanna 1434 01:50:10.399 --> 01:50:13.039 do my podcast. I want to incorporate the yoga, I want to do 1435 01:50:13.159 --> 01:50:15.119 live events. I want to do all of that. I'm loving Dallas. 1436 01:50:16.439 --> 01:50:19.439 And even when I tell you know, I don't just be telling everybody this, 1437 01:50:19.640 --> 01:50:24.239 but you know when I tell people this, like and that was the 1438 01:50:24.279 --> 01:50:27.000 thing another thing he used to say to me, like basically like I'm gonna 1439 01:50:27.000 --> 01:50:29.279 be fucked up without him, And I'm like, little do you know I 1440 01:50:29.359 --> 01:50:31.640 can't wait to separate from you, because I'm gonna thrive without you. I'm 1441 01:50:31.680 --> 01:50:38.239 gonna be so much better without you. I never needed you. I never 1442 01:50:38.399 --> 01:50:47.239 needed you. I never needed you. But I think it was very important 1443 01:50:47.279 --> 01:50:55.159 for me to come on here and share this story and this information with y'all 1444 01:50:56.039 --> 01:50:59.800 because I don't know who gonna watch this or listen to it or whatever, 1445 01:51:00.079 --> 01:51:04.239 but if I could help one person, whether it be a man or a 1446 01:51:04.319 --> 01:51:12.159 woman, whatever, but you know, specifically women like from making better decisions 1447 01:51:12.239 --> 01:51:17.720 than I did, being wise, using your discernment so that you don't have 1448 01:51:17.840 --> 01:51:20.439 to go through a situation like this, or if even if you are in 1449 01:51:20.479 --> 01:51:24.399 a situation like this. And again, I know a lot of women that 1450 01:51:24.439 --> 01:51:28.840 have been in situations like this. I know women that have been in abusive 1451 01:51:29.079 --> 01:51:35.000 relationships and not just physical, mentally verbally like that shit is real, That 1452 01:51:35.119 --> 01:51:39.479 shit is real, and that shit will fucking kill you, That shit will 1453 01:51:39.560 --> 01:51:44.600 drain you until it ain't nothing left. And again, I was on TikTok 1454 01:51:44.640 --> 01:51:48.600 looking at comments women people talking about they had been in these situations for five, 1455 01:51:48.840 --> 01:51:58.039 ten, fifteen, twenty years. I cannot even imagine that ain't gonna 1456 01:51:58.039 --> 01:52:01.039 be me and I damn sure don't want it to be you. So that 1457 01:52:01.319 --> 01:52:05.960 is that let me sing, because I still didn't even go through all of 1458 01:52:06.000 --> 01:52:14.840 these notes. Oh this is a cool little thing that I wrote down. 1459 01:52:14.880 --> 01:52:16.479 Something that I wrote in the notes. I said, when I sit back 1460 01:52:16.560 --> 01:52:23.319 and think about all the things that I went through, period, the bullshit 1461 01:52:23.399 --> 01:52:29.079 with my child's father, all the bullshit and relationships and with niggas and just 1462 01:52:29.359 --> 01:52:33.960 the general struggle in my life thus far, I think about all of the 1463 01:52:34.079 --> 01:52:39.479 good seeds that I've sung, all of the times that I've taken the high 1464 01:52:39.600 --> 01:52:45.359 road, the fact that I've maintained good energy and stayed a genuine person with 1465 01:52:45.479 --> 01:52:49.680 pure intentions through all of that. I know that I'm gonna be blessed. 1466 01:52:51.560 --> 01:52:55.800 I am blessed, but I know God gonna do his big one for me. 1467 01:52:56.119 --> 01:53:03.159 You feel me? And what else was I gonna say? Oh, 1468 01:53:03.279 --> 01:53:08.000 that's another thing, just me making this Like, I was very apprehensive about 1469 01:53:08.039 --> 01:53:13.119 even speaking about this, and you know, because somebody's gonna be mad that 1470 01:53:13.239 --> 01:53:20.640 I spoke my truth. But I feel like when you stay silent in situations 1471 01:53:20.760 --> 01:53:28.920 of injustice or just in your whatever. Whenever you stay silent, nobody's ever 1472 01:53:29.000 --> 01:53:31.239 gonna know your side of the story, you know what I'm saying, regardless 1473 01:53:31.279 --> 01:53:34.399 of if somebody else got to be the villain or not. You have a 1474 01:53:34.560 --> 01:53:38.760 right to speak up and speak your truth, period, you know what I'm 1475 01:53:38.760 --> 01:53:42.560 saying. And then if you don't speak up, you allow people to create 1476 01:53:42.640 --> 01:53:45.640 a narrative, which is whatever they come up with and whatever they run with. 1477 01:53:46.640 --> 01:53:51.560 And you know, and that's no, no, you can have your 1478 01:53:51.640 --> 01:53:55.760 narrative. But baby, I got one too, man, and I'm an 1479 01:53:55.800 --> 01:53:59.720 author. I'm saying nothing. But and then it's so funny because the other 1480 01:53:59.840 --> 01:54:03.079 day I think you're gonna be able to hear this if I play If I 1481 01:54:03.119 --> 01:54:05.840 play this little music clip real quick, Y're gon y'all gonna be able to 1482 01:54:05.840 --> 01:54:14.720 hear it. Yeah. This was the song that I wrote and recorded in 1483 01:54:14.880 --> 01:54:17.720 twenty nineteen, so at the age of twenty nine, and I just so 1484 01:54:17.920 --> 01:54:20.439 happened to pull it up the other day and listen to it, and I'm 1485 01:54:20.560 --> 01:54:26.640 like, this ship hit even harder today. And I got fucking bars, 1486 01:54:27.239 --> 01:54:32.520 y'all know, I got bars. Stop playing with me. I wasn't crazy 1487 01:54:32.600 --> 01:54:41.600 on this. I don't want to see games. I'm giving it out to 1488 01:54:41.720 --> 01:54:45.399 figure red out, like hard like a fucking knockout, and I'm the one 1489 01:54:45.479 --> 01:54:53.319 light out and stuffing. My mind has to cook through the fire. Sobod's 1490 01:54:53.359 --> 01:54:57.920 coming out with fine play. But your life to design, ain't no point 1491 01:54:57.960 --> 01:55:01.359 to say all the sign if you don't want to find love. These gotta 1492 01:55:01.439 --> 01:55:05.680 be the gotta open up your heart. No thehing a spell and it ain't 1493 01:55:05.800 --> 01:55:10.279 sens to be then it's gonna be propelled. It's huge and no one's right 1494 01:55:10.439 --> 01:55:15.079 person. Don't I just build energy change and I concentrant that you you gotta 1495 01:55:15.159 --> 01:55:18.479 learn about yourself and the love of attraction to everybody ain't good. They might 1496 01:55:18.560 --> 01:55:24.119 be a destruction in everything in your life. Don't get to actually want to 1497 01:55:24.199 --> 01:55:26.960 fight with you all. I gotta fight with my scope to sell the love 1498 01:55:27.039 --> 01:55:30.079 and self garing number one on the show. I was dealing with whatever was 1499 01:55:30.119 --> 01:55:33.920 bad for my house, and the only advertising said I got is to scope 1500 01:55:34.119 --> 01:55:38.920 and my might an open book coming in and through stories. I went through 1501 01:55:39.000 --> 01:55:42.920 the struggle on my way to the glories. I gotta bustup for my son 1502 01:55:43.000 --> 01:55:47.279 and mendatory and don't hit up out my territory. I got happiness within my 1503 01:55:47.560 --> 01:55:51.399 energy is so when I got them a bad and fighting like a violin. 1504 01:55:51.600 --> 01:55:55.399 Nigga. See that I'm trying, nigga, See that I'm shying to do 1505 01:55:55.520 --> 01:55:59.840 this. What a bad sheep I lost to mine? Walking in my presence? 1506 01:56:00.119 --> 01:56:03.880 Be thinking? Then so long we got a Rather, I've been weaning 1507 01:56:03.920 --> 01:56:06.800 fun as with men, and it's all of my time. I've been waiting 1508 01:56:09.520 --> 01:56:14.720 time. If you want to be free, to be free, you just 1509 01:56:14.800 --> 01:56:18.880 gotta have knowledge to tell. I'm twenty nine and I just figured this life. 1510 01:56:19.159 --> 01:56:26.319 Don't like it, but but you ain't ever gonna really because it ain't 1511 01:56:26.359 --> 01:56:30.039 no manuals and this ship so so listen to your insolitions and just following your 1512 01:56:30.079 --> 01:56:36.680 heart. That ship hit even harder in twenty twenty three at the age of 1513 01:56:36.760 --> 01:56:43.720 thirty three. So again, you know, I don't be wanting to put 1514 01:56:43.760 --> 01:56:47.560 myself on the chopping block, and you know, feel like I gotta be 1515 01:56:47.800 --> 01:56:53.399 some type of role model or whatever or be this perfect person for the world. 1516 01:56:53.600 --> 01:57:03.199 But God is using me as example. He's using my experience as an 1517 01:57:03.279 --> 01:57:10.039 example. You know what I'm saying. I'm a vessel. Johnson said, 1518 01:57:10.079 --> 01:57:12.840 how's it going? For? End? And ending it right now? But 1519 01:57:13.039 --> 01:57:15.479 she was supposed to call it maybe next maybe I don't know, next week 1520 01:57:15.560 --> 01:57:19.039 or the week after, we could do our little shit. But yeah, 1521 01:57:19.159 --> 01:57:24.520 that that's man. That's been the last eight months of my life. So 1522 01:57:25.479 --> 01:57:31.840 I'm back back to being consistent, back in this thing. I really love 1523 01:57:31.920 --> 01:57:34.159 this. I love this whole setup. I love this look, this is 1524 01:57:34.239 --> 01:57:39.359 my vibe, Like this is great. I hope that this. I hope 1525 01:57:39.399 --> 01:57:47.960 this shit go viral. Like this was good, especially since I was like, 1526 01:57:48.079 --> 01:57:50.960 I didn't know what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say 1527 01:57:51.000 --> 01:57:55.600 it, how much I wanted to share. I think it went pretty fucking 1528 01:57:55.680 --> 01:57:59.760 good. So I hope that y'all enjoy this. I hope y'all took something 1529 01:57:59.800 --> 01:58:02.479 from this. Make sure that you follow me on all platforms at Healing my 1530 01:58:02.600 --> 01:58:08.079 Homies, I Black Girl Experience on TikTok. Make sure that you subscribe to 1531 01:58:08.159 --> 01:58:11.199 the podcast Ready five stars of a reviewing why you love a Black Girl Experience. 1532 01:58:11.239 --> 01:58:13.920 Make sure that you subscribe to the YouTube, drop a comment like this 1533 01:58:14.079 --> 01:58:18.600 video, share this shit all of that. Yeah, that's it. That's 1534 01:58:18.640 --> 01:58:20.039 all I got for y'all. I'm out