Hi, I'm Martin. I play Andy the metamorph We're an independent podcast and
for more content, please consider joining us on Patreon, Instagram, and Twitter
at cbchpod. Could Have Been Heroes is a role playing game podcast where six
old friends adventure as six total strangers who, after missing their shots at destiny,
now get a second chance to make a mess of everything. Long ago,
they followed me. They look to me for knowledge, leadership, protection,
healing, for love. I gave it gladly. I was their mother.
We were mothers to all. You were grown in our bodies, and
so you belong to us. It was only natural, only right. Your
flesh is but borrowed. Your blood is on loan from the ones who bore
you. All mortal life can be traced back through lines of moon drenched blood
to the first Mother. The greatest sin is to betray she who bore you.
You belong to us. The glorious known as the Trumpet sounds the music
of the Apocalypse, and the final conflict begins. Having assured an attack by
the crown Landers and the Mighty Dragon are imminent, Laveline, in desperation,
took the bargain from mister Styx, who has now deposited them within the Briar
Tower itself. The climb to stop the Briar, which's mad ritual begins,
looks like a long way up. When last we left, Laveline, seeing
the window finally tighten and closed to the point she could no longer stand,
accepted the mystical deal on behalf of the nearlays by the way, who have
all now been whisked away through a swirling eddy of trickster magic into the Briar
Tower and deposited on the first floor. But now as you're standing here,
your wounds are suddenly starting just slowly to evaporate. You are slowly starting to
refill with mannas. And because the deal was mister Stick said you would be,
you would be deposited on the first floor, unassailed and unharmed. So
he has completely healed you with with his magic, with his contractually obligated magic.
So all of you take a full heel, recover all of your stats,
recover all of your injuries, anything you need. So Xenator is piecing
together what all the players already already know. So they'll look around at the
group, and this means the Stick's gambit. It's done. Then yeah,
so Kathy's laughing. I don't know if not laughing. Sorry, she does
look a little abashed. But oh can I can I piece it together that
it was Laveline from the reaction I think for sure, from the the plumage
configuration, that sort of bristle. Yeah, maybe you catch that it was
it was your call then, Laveline. We we just was it your decision?
We had discussed altogether, and that's what we discussed. Just was it.
Well, I it's a yes or no question. Did you meet any
cool guys on the way? Tell me more? Tell me more? Did
you get very fat? Yes? Xenator? Okay, then good. So
we're all in agreement that we have no privacy and or hear and we're an
agreement that we're getting this deal. Let's deal with this and then we'll deal
with mister Sticks. From the other side of the room, you hear a
click chunk clock of this massive door on the far end of the room.
Lock after lock after lock being undone, slats being pulled back, braces being
lifted up. Yestay, second, I don't know already, my staff there's
a fur lightning Yeah at Gwinn's fingertips. Arrows knocked and and and blades drawn.
And then a tiny flumpily little goblin with wobbly ears and a tiny scrumped
up little face and hanging little little little jowls and a far too big like
the cloak is way too big for him, drags on the ground behind him,
pushes the door open. Hello, Oh it's in you intake. Hello,
my name is Gregory. Gregory. Gregory pops out of his pocket.
All right, back in the pocket instant rival Gregory versus Gregory. It doesn't
like I'm watching you. Yeah, so, Gregory, I'm the intake gablin
intake for what you are now property of the bride taler. Yes, oh
yeah, and sure sure you're gonna do Where do we go? Uniforms?
Sure well? Everyone put your things in the cubby with your name on it.
And oh, I see you still have hippons. Those should have been
confiscated some well. Seeing is how you clearly missed that? In overs we
will be holding onto our weaponry. Yeah, an exception, so don't worry
about but are not allowed by property? Can I walk past him and shut
the door behind Yes, we're surrounding him and shutting the door. Walks up.
Oh yeah, we're not locked in here with you, We're locked in
here with us. I really feel like the wrong kind of person is going
to resonate with this this character that you're doing. Now, can we just
real quick. I just wish that the wrong kind of people didn't resonate with
that character the way they He's not the guy. I think that they all
thought, like I love when like some right wing Yeah yeah, yeah,
he is the worst. He's like insane. He is there, but he
has become he has become sort of a champion of the right winger psycho people.
Yeah, it's wild. It's like kind of people who don't heat up
their beans, the kind of people. No, man. They even extrapolate
that in the HBO series like take Up the right Wing, Yeah bullshit,
like remembers yeah yeah so uh yeah I know, I know me too.
But it's like the people who look at the Joker and are like that.
Yeah. So anyway, Gwen uses her imposing form to loom over over the
tiny goblin Senator just slowly pushes the door shut behind him. Will The weapons
are supposed to be confiscated during intake, as well as your magical abilities,
isn't the door shutting on him right now. The door. Yeah, the
door is shut. He is now he is now sealed into this room with
you. Nope, we're keeping him with us. Clearly you're oversight. Uh,
it's up setting you. But we will not be handing over our weaponry
or our magical powers today. Also, none of us are magic, So
what you're talking about, imagine you're like silly puttying as none of us are
magic. Also, none of us are magic. But like the cut in
his forehead opens up and like a single eye peers out of Martin's forehead,
it's gonna be since we're skipping that. After weapons, after you put your
personal effects in the Yeah, we've been over that. We're not doing that.
What's step two? Then you get it fixed for a chain, one
of these tasty taste for little numbers, he says, like sashang. And
you can see there's a chain around his waist that sort of like even though
it looks like it's a little too big for him and it should fall,
it kind of just kind of hovers around his hips. Can I shove him
in my cloak because he kept in there? Definitely? Do you want to
pick him up? They could be in the space of the cloak. Waitlessly,
Oh yeah, yes whatever. Katie as well as everyone else going into
the Briar Tower, got a series of ability and power upgrades. I realized
we hadn't leveled up in a hot minute. You guys had a lot of
experience to spare, so you're all juiced up a little bit going in here.
But Katie has a new power where she has basically an extra dimensional space
inside of her cloak where she has what else do we need to know?
Oh wait, wait, what's Craig Greg? Okay, what's after that chain?
Not happening after the slafe chain? Are you actually hoisting him up in
the air? Absolutely? Okay, we got about twenty seconds here. Then
you usually go to floor four to have tea with the witch. Okay,
yeah, sounds nice. That's nice. Dangerous, but we've done tea with
which Yeah, that part's fine. The tower uses a series of lifts and
elevators to travel between the Limon the interior spaces of the tower, you see
the tower as much bigger on the inside than even it appears on the outside,
And at that point, drifting in through one of the arrow slit windows
and the stony side of the room. You hear calliope music. Yeah,
that's right, guys. I don't know about loveling what It's just a Martin
situation. I am kind of a little bit. Wait, where where is
he? He's inside, He's inside. I'm he's goods. But every time
Martin jerks or scuttles or stutters, like spikes or bat wings or extra mouths
or two big eyes or like a bunch of tentacles or tails come like like
form for a few for a few seconds and then snap back into his body.
Glitchen. Yeah, well he's in here, his uh circus is out
there. So that's that's where we're dealing with it. Joke, Just a
little bit of fire comes out, don't But it's just fingers coming out of
the xiety. And I need you to keep it together just a little bit
longer. I am god, this just a bunch of flies come swarming out
of strougger water. I want to examine what, like what's left of his
art seal and like anything matters, like is it is it completely dysfunctional or
is it working a little bit? And if it's working a little bit,
is there anything that we can do to great intellect check base fifteen, info
at fifteen, lots of info at twenty five. Right, Arcanists, I
want to say arcanis staged and composed. Yeah, I think, though,
I think, I think those are all perfect twenty five Well, what do
you know? Okay, so the halves of his Arzell's run are still well
twenty five minus fifteen. No, so so this is an undertaking so oh
yeah, just to get as high as you can and josh, yeah,
it's also only been like year and a half, but it has been three
weeks since since we so, uh, I know, we're like, you
know the rules, sir today? No, the rules, it says to
Mark Martin, sator the one who knows the most rules, coming from the
guy who knows the well, no, I'm the guy who knows the rules.
Yeah maybe, I mean I know. So each half of the room
is still intact, but it's been split down the middle with a very potent,
really powerful like dark magic weapon. Whoever did this has left basically a
super gnarly curse that wound will never fucking heal Right. While the curse remains,
it would take you weeks to purge it off of him. It is
repairable. It is possible to seal it back up, but not not in
its current state. We got a lot of time to spare you. It'st
wound. Oh my god. Perfect. Well that's another problem for later us.
And that's the list is getting long, not going. I'm fine,
I'm totally We're good. We're good. So we have to avoid that whole
circus. Yeah, that's kind of going independent of Yeah, I'm not doing
that. Yes you are. What something in Grigory's pocket is thrumbing like glows
and vibrates in one of the pockets of his robe. Can I take that
and being contacted via my my talking stone? Just answer it here? Yeah,
sure, and don't tell him about us. Cool towards the Thundertaker throat
slip at him across your your already your slit throat. Yes, your you're
stitched up wound. Do you want me to intimidate? No, it's where
let's just say, be mindful of your responses, yes, ma'am. Is
it all right that a year in a little just now? Okay? So
he takes the stone out and like gazes into it and his eyes get sort
of you know, he gazes into it and his eyes get really opaque.
Yes, hello, tower under attack, flowing living circus, attacking thorns.
Maintain position. Yes, yes, sir, No, the new intakes have
not arrived yet. Good I'll I'll alert you as soon as they have.
Just just a quick question, what would I do if they arrived in there?
They were to be armed? Asking for a friend that won't happen,
couldn't possibly happen? Okay, thank you, that was asking for a friend.
Nice. Good job. You may prove useful for once you played that,
you might survive this. Okay, good, Okay, If you just
stick with us and don't disobey us or betray us, we'll stuff that sweet
pink mouth with so much ice cream. Do you like ice cream? Green?
I love how you said it too. Stuffing my sweet pink mouth.
That made me feel very comfortable. We're trying to get where the other.
Oh. Yes, everyone goes up the tower as they are deemed more useful
or valuable. The high, highest, higher in the tower you are,
the more the value has been placed on you, the nicer the tower gets.
What Florida, the princesses start on princesses? Whatever do you mean?
Princesses? You know they're like women. I know what he princesses. Everyone
knows what you princesses. But I don't know where the princess might be,
or that there already anywhere. They don't have to pretend think, don't have
to pretend to think carefully about your answer. That sweet pink mouth can be
stuffed and blood lashing. He starts to screaming, like you notice that the
chain around his waist seems to be getting heavier and starting to glow hotter,
and it's sizzling. It's like sizzling his robes a bit. I can't say
anything about that. I don't know anything about that. What's happening with your
chain? My slave chain? Oh, I don't know. Must be that
I'm thinking about something I'm not supposed to think about. Interesting, all right,
how do we get this thing off here? Uh? So? You
see the chain is around his little waist, affixed with a powerful curse.
And affixed to that chain or a bunch of keys, the keys he used
to open the door. But you see also strange like gizmos and gadgets,
and like other fidget spinners, fidget spinners, like other weird little rubics,
cubes and tools. It looks like some of the he talked about the lifts.
Maybe the lifts or secret doors or things have really difficult little puzzle keys
that you have to solve to be able to get get them to work.
Basically, it's like if there was a key that's a Rubik's cube that has
to be solved to a certain configuration for it to work, and a door
that sounds boring. Everyone knows. No, one knows how rbs cubes work
the greatest history and no, you either have no idea or you can solve
it in seven seconds there is correct, or you just take off the stickers
and put them back smart or removing the curse you think is something you could
do. You could probably strike it off of him. It would cost some
resources, like it would probably cost quite a bit of of anima to do
so, and it probably wouldn't help you use the puzzle keys later on,
Like if you would would hinder us in using the puzzle keys. No,
it wouldn't hinder you in using the puzzle keys. But like the trick is
that he like knows how to use those, so trying to figure out how
to do them on your own would be like a really pretty probably pretty big
liability. That's why they do it like that, is so that the little
slaves have Can we keep them with us? You could keep him with you?
Yes, What would you do if your son was at home crying all
alone on the bitter gosh? I don't know. That sounds terrible if you
weren't a slave, If I wasn't a slave, Oh well, that would
be wonderful. I'd probably crush my enemies and see who are your enemies?
Sorry, that's just the that's just the angry goblin town. That's good,
that's let them out. You're free with us. He could be. Oh,
well, I'm not allowed to think about certain things or do certain things.
But what I am allowed to do is open doors and operate elevators and
direct people in time to where they're supposed to go. Where do you want
to go? Is it not? Here? Is from me? That would
be great. You said that you're supposed to direct people to where you're supposed
to go. Yes, great, great, I'm supposed to be where the
princesses are. Well, the only prince royal blood, only princesses are allowed
to go where the Yeah, we've got two of them, looking at two
of them. Yeah, me and interesting charmed. I'm sure. Well,
then where you're supposed to be is at the very top in five hours for
the rituals. The rituals in five hours. Yes, so all princesses to
reports to the top floor of the top briar tower. Which ritual? Oh,
they're opening the big door, right, the big door, which is
the which of the Where does the big door go? Oh? To the
bones, right to the bones of the like world. Yea, to the
bones. The bones the capital capital T, capital B. The bones are
there also, work uns are there, buddy, I have Sorry, it's
so good, it's so good. I don't know. Sorry, Okay,
it's worth it, it's worth it. Okay. Where are the princesses supposed
to wait before the ritual? Oh, they're probably all in their rooms.
So there must be a room for Lauveline. Right, let's find out.
He goes over to your cubby that has the name Laveline Crest written on it
and opens it up. M Oh, there's a very nice dress in here.
Mm hmmm. And it's at that point when he talks about the clothing,
like the clothing in there, that you notice that you're all wearing different
clothes what and you have different weapons and armaments and things on you. So
while you were transported, your allies had prepared for this eventuality new suits of
armor and weapons and and things had been precured for you. Xenator has a
ruby ring on his on his finger that crackles with Azel's magic and robes like
laden with her tell tale enchantments like stitched into it. So you're wearing like
a brilliant new set of robes and have this powerful wizard's ring on your on
your finger. Likes me? Okay, uh, go for it. Gwendolyn
is wearing the sapphire ring of Azel's left hand and has a brilliant like vlump
non folumptuous. That's not and pholumptuous. She is voluptuous. But the the
the garb is six tatties bakers, does yea your walco It's god. It's
got three cleavage windows like right down the middle big this big fur mantle around
the shoulder, and it has glints and glitters with black bristles that look like
little just little design feathers, but you can see up close their manticore spines.
So you wear I am always with you did you, Yes, I
did it has it wasn't consummated after after you, after you saved him in
the bushes, the two of you animals. Damn dude, that movie is
so hot. It's tambien Okay. So the manticore, uh Manticore's gown on
gwen uh a new set of incredibly fine mythral armor that you know, kind
of mimics a like dancers, Uh dancers corset around the worth more than the
whole of the shire. Word worth more than the whole of the shire.
Again, this crackles with Azarizel's like telltale magic. She forged each of the
rings individually to uh, you know, by hand, and so she she
she's been preparing for for all of you too, to be as well outfitted
as possible going in here to the end. Also, some of your weapons
have upgraded. The Lily blossom staff has finally bloomed fully and now courses with
magic, and the the which one is it? The oh, the sparrow
bow has been inlaid with true silver and and like mystical feathers. Valeriana is
wearing a suit of armor sort of reminiscent to the one that Ottax and Applejack
wore. It has the apple Jack family crest emblazoned on part of it.
It is a suit. It is a woodcutter's heirloom armor. So this gives
you bonus damage against plants and lets you resist damage from like trees and plant
monsters and things like that. It's also just like fit perfectly. It doesn't
hinder your movement at all, but feels like like fortified with magical enchantments.
Martin got nothing, wow you Yeah, Martin is still wearing just the same
like tattered old shirt and I got a rock. I got a rock.
However, you also feel significantly more powerful, but in a way that you
aren't super comfortable with. You know exactly why you're stronger, but so I'll
never tell. I mean, I did you just it? Yeah, all
of you can feel, can feel that white tree that's growing inside of your
minds has like branched and butted more and and your specific branches have gotten stronger.
So have a question. Yeah, and this just might be way out
there and like completely grasping at straws, but I have a cold iron nail
and it's a curse that is cutting him right. Yeah, the curses is
keeping the wound open. Yeah, if we like drove the cold iron nail
and like the skin back together, Oh my god, try to try to
stable him up, do it? Damn you fucking nail him shut. If
he's open to it, it could work. I don't know. That just
sounds like that, sounds like it would hurt. Just bite on this,
this piece of leather I have here, your biting leather. Yeah, you
borrow my biting leavel. You'll be fine. Yeah, you said him.
That's only for you. That's only for her. That's for you, ye
clean, that's only for her to help her tolerance. First of all,
I've been inside your mouth, so what are you? That's true? You
can't get much. I've bathed in that mall. See that that part of
the story you remember. Oh yeah, by the leather, I mean I
get if it would keep, if it would keep us safer, if it's
worth a shot, sounds good. Hold him down that thing where we've got
a problem. And so I look at my inventory, and which thing in
here could I plausibly argue? Couldn't you got a problem? You all solve?
This is very litigious. So yet, how how funny is it that
a guy whose big hit is just stolen? Is sample? Okay, job
get out. It's only a sample if you credit the original wanting to the
defense of Vanilla, it's so true. Shaved three lines and that off Katie
w b and listen to again writing down the lyrics baby Jo so dumb job,
baby John. I can't believe I had a crush on you. Still,
what was wrong with me? It was like second grade. Oh I
didn't know you. I didn't know how dumb you used to be. I
never would have been into it. Wait a minute, you know every word
ice, ice, baby ow got out of hair in your brain like a
poisonous mushroom. Deadly the ability believe it white. Finally we get our moment,
white men get to speak. Let's for the cis heads finally having their
moment in the sun. Wow, I love it, I love you,
love to see it. So after we're gonna put it. Hold iron nails
a magical item that holds shut. Uh that hold shut portals, doors,
windows, things like that keeps evil, specifically evil creatures from from opening them.
So if you nail this head shut, I mean, who knows it's
perfect. I'm no notes, I'm open to it. If if someone's got
I need a steady and and I need an old priest and a young priest.
Yeah, if you guys think it'll make me safer, I mean I
don't. I think I've got it. I mean, I'm I'm good right
now. But if you guys think it'll make me safer, I'm I will
do it. Are you good right now? Yeah? Fine? Okay,
A knife just flies out of his mouth and bark like, get the nail,
Get the nail. I'll hold him down, all right, let's do
it medical procedure. If anyone has facets that they want to add on to
assist, you can add one facet to uh an intellect check by mister by
mister xenatore over there, I have a hammer. I got one I'm adding
you can use. I'm supporting you with my If this fails, can my
head do a total like John Carpenter's things, You're not gonna wear like teeth?
Joy? It just it just surely it surely has to. Yeah,
I am holding him down, so I'm gonna assist with my do no harm
facet, which adds three. Can I biting leather? Yes? Plus one
plus four? So yeah, would tool maker help here? Yes, you're
working with specifically with tools. Okay on that deuce more so up to six
lovel and you got one instinctive to six? Ok sure, half give me
two two okay, so we get to eight and then a tool bonus from
the actual hammer nine. All right, right, any delicate facets, sturdy
hands. Gwen is using us sort of a medical situation facet. Yeah,
I've got a I've got a line that actually has three on it that is
loyal, composed and ruthless and that kind of thing. Oh, absolutely absolutely
use that. We're at nine plus my nine is eighteen plus what's my characteristic
on this intelligence? We're gonna slay this plus my role minus whatever difficulty looking
for thirty five, you have a twenty eight to start. Yeah, you
can do this. The seven or I are There is a loud shining and
it almost sounds like Martin's skull must be made out of metal, because when
that thing, the strike finally goes, you can, uh you know,
his eyes are wiggling and like his ears are concorded. So Martin, would
you please make a will difficulty for check to see if you can keep your
body from attacking Senator as he seals you up murder even know how long I
was holding onto that thing that will be I forgot you had it in your
inventory. It's a good call. One short, one short, get any
facets there it might be, isn't it. This is pretty weird with your
body from attacking Martin, or Martin's body from attacking enator while he's sealing his
head up. Yeah, that's pretty fucking weird. Martin has learned to control
his strange, snaky body under the intense circumstances. So even though a bunch
of just like mouth lampreys come off of the side of his of his arm
and like snap wildly at your face while you're you're working on this thing,
to the composed mats comes in, all right, and then that just it
rings out. Yeah, Martin has a nail just sticking out of the middle
of his fucking forehead and a slight did it work? How many fingers am
I holding? Is the president? Seven? President? The president? Who's
the president? Jove Ford? He's right, all right, And there's the
racket. Babies, think, think a little far different. What are we
dealing with here? Before we bomb Ruscha bons light lobotomize him? No,
no, No, I didn't get the brain. I got skin well on
the skull. Babes. Oh, you just keep hearing like ringing in your
ears every once in a while. Are you okay? Okay, it's like
he's being poisoned. No, I know, I am totally fine. Come
quiet. There's also there's also like a weird like rash spreading out from from
the side of the cold iron, like very slowly, like dermatitis, like
little bumps like red bumps. Yeah, no, I am, I am
itchy, but fine. You need a band you need a cloak bandage.
No, actually didn't. Doesn't take damage from that. Let's storm the castle,
guys. Great. During all of that, Lavoline and Gregory found in
your uh you found in your your cubby an invitation to tea with the briar
Witch on floor four. Huh? Is there one for val? There is
there a cubby for Val. Yes, there is also a cubby for Vale
while she's doing whatever doing over there, I record that too, okay,
So rude Hers says to be that she is to be sent down into what
they refer to as the Undercroft, the Laura Croft, under Raider Laura,
the Laura Croft. If you will that's where they put the best Laura,
not Laura Laura Croft. I'm not a fan. Well that's not true,
that's not true. He stopped being a fan when they like gave her realistic
booth. Yeah. I like those triangle ones. And once they changed it,
it was over for me. I can't dack off the polygonums no more.
No. I honestly think she's one of like the coolest redesigns and like
in a long time, I think she looks amazing. Lara Croft skin in
Fortnite because my wife is going really well. So I like want to play
Fortnite just so I can play with Katie, like I genuinely wanted. I've
never played. I'm good. Yeah, okay, so that was to be
sent to the undercroft. You were to be sent to floor five for or
floor four four t Yeah, they were definitely putting me in an incinerator.
I can tell the fire. Yeah, straight to hell all the way down,
all right. I pocket both of the invitations. Well it's not it's
it's like it's like yours is an invitation that actually has like a little letter
and it says like we've got a bit to talk about, haven't we?
And hers is send her to the undercroft dictated not read. I keep both
of the notes. I don't think I want that associated with her and if
nobody else sees it, oh god, another goblin, says the goblin Gregory.
Hello, Stewart, very difficult to Stuart. Sure, how's it going?
Just fine? La, It's me stupid, stupid. What do you
want, Stewart. I've brought you a little sathing. Don't forget the ticking
bomb in val just to make sure I had not seen any large explosions.
That's right, the bomb that we don't know what it does. I've got
it written well, so you can be sure of that, can we Yes,
yes, we just don't know. We cannot be sure of what it
will blow up. I have precularia to do thing. A new object object
from the benefactors Vultorium. That's friends for art. Object. Here you are,
I don't know. Hey, he's telling the truth in a meticulously wrapped
black paper package with coffee colored rib and the package is procure or proffered to
you on the in the middle of the room. You really are difficult people
to find. Brant decent place for fine for what? Goodbye? Enjoy the
present. You could stay. Remember this time you could, you could help.
Don't look at me like is that French too? It's how the black
goblins of blackman Ile laugh. What do we get disturbing? Read the card.
If you give me that goodbye, I hate you. He slithers away
into the shadows and man. Alright, I read the card to the Nearly's
glass of mood. The most spectacular and fancy hat must always be addressed by
its full name and title. It may be worn by anyone or everyone.
Good luck, Exo exo Jenna of the wine coven. Oh, hi,
Jenna, I'm gonna read the name of the object again. The amazing that
your character is in a coven. Probably lots of wine involved with that coven.
Oh absolutely, that's sweet, Glasamo. The most spectacular and fancy hat,
all right, he wants it. I'm gonna pass hard on that.
I mean, I want it, but I'm scared. Glazamu. The most
spectacular and fancy hat is it is yours. I'm wearing it now. You're
wearing what goes when the package The hat is so grand and so wide the
brim that it actually spills and pours up out of the box flowers big like
bell so it's not subtle at all. It's just like the most incredible Derby
hat. It is it is, I mean, it would put the queen
to shame. This Derby hat that comes flowing out of the box looks good
with your three three cleave dress. Thank you, Sature. I haven't seen
a triple clean and no since total recal by the way, that was the
hat. The flowers in the hat, all the flowers in the hat form
like sort of makeshift eyes and mouth, and they talk sort of like the
trash pile in in uh Fragle rock a triple clean dress. I haven't seen
one of those. Oh my god, I love this hat. I feel
like Todd hops up on the hat. They start Todd hops up on glass
of moble spectacular and fancy hat. Glasm move move yeah, okay. Glas
of Moo can transmute itself into basically any kind of headcare but whatever it looks
like, it grants the following benefits and is always very beautiful and fancy.
Magic advice Klasimu knows a thing or two about magic and grants the wearer a
plus two bonus on any checks to analyze or identify magical happenings. Fuck Yeah,
glamour garments. Glasmu can change the wearer's outfits in an instant to look
like whatever he or she desires. This hat is perfect for me. I'm
obsessed. It'd be funny if the just instantly turn into a Yankees cap.
Why would that be funny, Josh? What would be funny about dupidest thing
for the like super fancy magic hat to turn it? Yeah? Yankees?
Bet my true farm that sucks hate Yeah. Cleanse Glasimu can magically cleanse the
wearer of dirt and filth. Hat trick. The wearer can pull any mundane
object, Mary Pop and style out of the hat three times a day.
This object is permanent and works as intended punk tool. Per day the wear
it can produce a useful object out of the hat, money, a crowbar,
a pen, et cetera. However, when the object is you spent
eating, et cetera, it explodes into a cloud of stinking paper. I
stink I'm never taking this hat off. Eat hat. Glasimu does not wish
to be replaced and stuffed back in a box for another one hundred years.
If needed, it can devour another magical headpiece and gain all of the benefits
so as to not be removed. It can only eat one hat at a
time and must spit out the old one, losing all properties before it can
consume another copy. I am gonna have this hat eat all of your hats.
No, my hat's not even magical. Look cool. You just if
you find like magical tra of dancing penises or whatever you really want the abilities
side quest the abilities of GLASMU can eat it and gain its properties. Martin
Doctor Seuss rave hat, Oh my god, Martin would have trim Oh god,
real quick, what would each of your characters where to a rave like?
What will be your rave gear? Your character's rave gear? Martin would
definitely have a fucking doctor Seue's hat and like her pants for bikini to everything
that would go leather, leather, harness. I love that senator doing the
pacifier thing. I see that as more of a door. Senator is candy
flipping. That's awesome, Senator. Also, I think where's the like fully
blackout contact lenses? Ah? Dude, Yeah, he goes full like he
has like a gas mask. Yeah, goes like full dark ray of create
and lovely would go into such a friend. I just want to have a
nice time at the party that see my face. You're gonna be so you
make it more scary. But the gas it would be like the like Paris
Hilton style, like DJ that we have, Like you love that? Yeah,
I love it? Okay, that was That was very important to the
plot coming up. You'll see why later I become a DJ rave in the
undercraft. You know there's a blood rave in the undercroft. Yeah, some
motherfuckers are always trying to ice gate up. And it isn't just a giant
meat grinder that they put magical people into to churn into a delicious magical paste.
It's a blood rave in the basement. Go go on, go down,
Go down. What is the undercraft? The Undercraft, it's a series
of tombs and dungeons and prisons and torture chambers and experimental magical laboratories, and
there's the blood rave is down there. Someone does not like you, Valerius.
What don't worry about it. We got we gotta go up. I'm
gonna look at my Okay, just a bunch of snakes come out. Snakes.
Sorry I said that glibly, but a bunch of snakes come out.
There are like just a bunch of like like thorn thorn vipers and things just
coiled up inside of your side of your cubby in like nooks and crannies.
They're not violent, they don't like jump out at you or anything. But
whatever was in here had apparently was removed or changed, or maybe they forgot
about you, or who knows. They're your pets. Now. I already
have three bears. Well Doaterfill has those bears right now? So yeah,
but I still pay for the bear food. That's your sons you have to
eat every day. One of the snakes is making like really intense eye contact
with xenotur. What what you just did? The like like what do you
call that? Which like juped at him kind of like a really, what
do you want? Snake that comes for you? Wait? What the mother?
And then it just sort of closes its eye then doesn't move again.
Did you catch that? Just taking the snake? The snake is cold.
This snake has been dead for days, sweet classic dead snake. My cubby
is empty. What does that mean? I wouldn't love to I want to
look at my cuffy. Okay. Gwen goes to look in her cubby.
The hat has lots to say about what's in my cubby. The hat has
to tell me what's in my cubby? Are a little fireball? No,
what's my hat? I can't be talking secretly? Yeah, sucks. No
problems to suck mabling. Don't listen to them. I should never listen to
the team hat. Team wonderful. Yet the most wonderful fans will have fancy
what's in my cubby? Sweet hat? All right, So in your cubby
is a delicious looking picnic basket full of scones and preserves and jams shovels that
ship. In your fucking mouth, there are jars of enchanted honeys and uh
in a little note that says welcome sister on top of it. In the
same handwriting, the babylin's note is in okay, and that does this mean
I get to go to some sort of dining and experience? So it has
an invitation to tea on floor four. Oh, we get to go to
tea together. You should probably get a hat so that you don't show up
looking I don't know, stupid, sort of like a ballerina mixed with a
mercenary mixed with a a push broom rooms. Is can we conjure a hat
for her, even if it doesn't have magical abilities, just so that she
fits in it. If this is what you wish, it is what I
wish. She coughs out. She coughs out a smaller, also fancy hat.
But it doesn't have any abilities. No, it has no abilities.
But it is a very nice hats. Match. You admired my hat so
much. I thought you would like to match for two because she was mean
to me about you fireballing me with my hat. Put the hat on.
We aren't even at tea, we're about to be is going, well,
try it on. I want to get a selfie before brunch, before we're
too drunk a brunch to get it. I love that the hats turned it
into brunch and turned it into champagne brunch hashtag bottomless Hasha bottom mosa, I
gotta, I gotta star and you can just just the bubbles for like four
dollars and it's just like, yes, I do want, I do want
just the bubble bottomless champagne. I don't want any vitamins. I never I
don't need that in the way. Could I have a glass of orange juice
and a glass of champagne next to each other. I'll just drink them separately.
Why isn't this podcast at bottomless? I'm fucking season three. Let's do
it well, Patreon, please, I just want to hear them fucking drunk,
like the second encounter, Like, listen, can we get out of
this room? The room that the way I came in leads to a lift
which goes up to the next floor or down to the undercroft. We're going
up. Interesting, all of the guards on this floor seem to be on
break It's perfect, so I can take you to the lift and we can
go up to the next floor. There's probably guards there if you want to
talk to some guards. I want to talk to some guard I don't know.
I don't know what's happening. The guards for this floor have like a
break room or a locker room or anywhere with guard cubbies. No, they
the guard guard. I know exactly what were you gonna put in there at
the bomb But no, I was gonna dressed like a guard, like gonna
pour the bomb machine. Well, we have an invitation to at least the
fourth floor, and we need to keep going up. So I said yes,
we start there, all right, agreed, follow me? It was
still itch yep, sow, you know it's working. Wait wait, wait,
hold on, hold on, I'm sorry. I'm just checking my intake
form. The nearly one, two, three, four, five, six.
Where's the sixth? Where's your sixth party? Man? There, what
are you talking about? There are six Nearly's listed here on who is who?
They'll just read the names. H Martin, Googledee Goole President, Laveline
Christ Queen of Crumblundia. Some of these seem wrong. Crumblundia hasn't been in
place for years. Valriana Vaccarel, Queen of Crumblunda. Now see this is
this seems wrong? Guys? No, yeah, Valriana Vaccarella, Forsythia.
Gwendolyn Evangeline Clute. Who is apple Jack? Is there an initial with it?
A apple Jack? M hm, we know apple jack, but not
an apple jack, but not a so see. No, we planted it
in the sacred grove recently. You were uh yep. So there is the
sound of a boot on stone behind you. Oh hey, there you are,
and from behind you a fairly familiar voice, although drier and with like
some sort of strange crackly overtones. The the rush of leaves and branches is
heard from behind you. You turn and out of the like shadowy recess at
the back of the room. A tree or wait, a young woman or
wait, it's both. It's a tree with the knots and whorls and wood
like shaped into the face of a familiar looking young woman. She even has
freckles like carved like in like little dots across the edge of her nose.
She doesn't look exactly like you remember, but you would swear a wood stat
a wooden carved statue with branches, leaves, and even some small fruits like
like small apples like dangling from the branches that like reach off of the crown
at the like of leaves at the top of her head steps out of the
darkness. I think Martin, having been the most recent to die, maybe
would recognize her first sure and like rushes over and embraces her. So Martin
wraps his arms around this very tall, broad shouldered woman's uh trunk trunk?
Oh hi, uh you are Martin, right, you're back? Uh?
Not hi Martin, Hey, little buddy, And she like she like tossles
his hair. Guy, don't you you see apple? Jet Apple Jacky's back,
Hey apple, Jack is back baby, and then start he's doing a
little dance with Jack is back. Okay, look at it? Is he
right? Look at him? Dance? Are you? I want to see
if she's so free trying to she's a hologram. See if she's a hologram
and you your your wooden finger clacks against her wooden cheek. Hey girl,
how you doing? You're gwyn right, yeah, Gwendolin evangel that that reputation
to precede you. Who are you? I'm arbor barber apple Jack. It's
not ringing any bells. I'm sorry. Well we met. You carried me
around in your pocket for for weeks. So are you you're Sarah's sister.
Yeah, I'm the one who was born as a true oh oh wow.
And you carried me to the sacred grove, mixed me with my sister's life
force memories, and uh fate buried me in the sacred grove ground underneath dragonfire
and I'm blossomed grew. I just gotch But that was we did something good,
you guys. For once, that just happened. Yeah, well,
dragonfire ash is very good fertilizer magic buddy, listen, I couldn't wait.
I have been waiting a lot of time. Actually, that's a good question.
I guess that because she was part of your original group, your fates
were tied together. So when uh not a Gaster's brother. I don't always
name mister sticks. Oh see, I found that offensive slightly that he would
take that that's ours the spell like the band. Oh that's fine, you
can have that. That's cheesy as hell sticks like the river Sticks. It
isn't, but that's it is. Now. See. I don't like that.
I don't like him using that terminology though. Anyway, I uh,
I guess the spell must have wrapped me up in your whole thing you got
going on here. Wow, Well, well, God's great. Yeah,
this is amazing, mist unless you don't want to be here with someone else.
No, I have a lot of her rattling around in my head,
so I very much appreciate the hug. If anyone wants to hug, I
don't want to push any bound. Well, then let's come in here,
buddy, let's get this great catharsis all right? Watch that nail? Yeah,
that would be anathema to all of you, now that all of your
curses have gotten a little bit more ripe, all right, so you just
sort of pile in, get the group hug going on. You know what,
everybody gains a power that's gotta feel. That's gotta feel pretty good power.
I've got the power. Martin goes back to twurking, Wow, I
don't want to get too sappy on you, all right, tree stuff,
get out of here, Get out of the tree folk, she SAIDs like
standing shoulder and shoulder with Gwen. The tree folk among us don't appreciate you
making fun of our tree based puns. It just comes with the territory.
Yeah, let us be sappy. So I don't want to be sappy,
but we're happy you're here too. Being stuck as a tree for all those
years is I'm I'm very glad to be ambulatory and not chopped down or burned.
We should you check your cubby, Oh ship, that's a good idea,
because we have to figure out what we do next. Apple Jack take
that. So she pulls the like metal piece off of the front of the
cupboard and like nail like uses the tack and just like thumps it into her
chest. Work as a hero badge for now, won't it, you know?
So she puts the Applejack like the golden like tag on her chest and
opens it up, and she finds Applejack's woodcutters axe inside inside of the cubby,
along with some of her other gear and and pieces. I want some
gear and scones. What the hell? You can only get those from the
underground, are you? I keep not telling her, and then I tell
her I'm not supposed to tell her. Hey, listen, if any any
of you, if any of you all, you all are hungry. She
reaches up and like pulls a small apple off of one of her branches and
tosses it over to you. A little delicious try it they are? She's
like, ow, they are really good, and and uh, each gives
you three anima, so so you gain nine anima that can go over your
maximum from the trees perspective, like, the fruit is actually supposed to be
like gift. It's a gift. It's given to you. Yeah, it's
that's what it puts it out there for. Don't eat the seeds, or
if you do, make sure to ship them in a nice, nice uh
loamy ditch afterwards, ship my seeds in the ditch. Animal apple I'm got
The Briar Tower is making me constipated. I'm scared. So after the after
the group hug that makes everybody feel just so sweet and so powerful, Gregory,
I hate to to break in on the reunion or first union or whatever
this is. Oh God, I get pulled into the hug. But there
will be guards patrolling. I'm surprised I haven't seen any of them yet.
But if if you want to infiltrate the tower, and it's now or never,
I'm ready to do it. To the elevator, bring it down,
little green man. Okay, Cochitch got with me and he he goes.
He throws the door behind him open and moves into as this crazy like shaft
column full of chains and pulleys and strange statues and like big glowing magical spheares.
So whatever the interior structure of this this place is, it is pretty
fucking wild. I don't know if you ever actually saw the Brier Tower from
outside. I don't know if you were ever quite close enough those of you
who are going to the Sacred Grove might have been able to see like the
top of its classic crenelations poking up over the over the top of the trees.
But basically it's just a black column with a massive crown on top of
it. But inside it's much more complicated and strange. So the lift in
front of you is just a stone square with chains hooked into each of the
four corners that like lifts like lifts you up and it looks like it goes
up for hundreds of feet up into the tower. And there is sure enough,
no classic classic from the soft style lift. Yeah, there's a stone,
there's a stone depression in the center that you have to step on just
like forty five seconds loading the next area. Yeah, no, there's no
there's no switch or lever or anything that you can see. But as Gregory
walks out onto the onto the stone platform, he takes this little green bobble
and like goes one two on the floor, and then the relief starts to
glow as if the interior of the stone is made out of like illuminated glass,
and then the whole thing shakes and the chain start to glow a little
bit. Okay, this lift goes to the second floor and from there we
can take a lift to the third floor. Doesn't this lift go to the
third floor, No, I'm afraid not. This lift goes up to the
second floor, and then you have to cross to the other side of the
tower through the second floor to another lift that goes up to the third floor,
and and so on, same reasonable, needlessly supermarket. Yes, to
walk through the gift shop to the second exactly, it's it's a security feature,
right wink, second floor, Okay, And so he calls that out,
and sure enough the lift goes and starts to hoist up into the sky
or into the column above you. And after what fuels you know, like
uh, you know, a reasonable thrum soft distance that comes to a stop
at a long bridge that goes out to a massive iron door with big spikes
coming out of it. It looks like a door is made out of porcupine
high just bristles and spines everywhere, and these two massive chains attached to the
ground on the outside of it that you have to pull it open, and
that two enormous ogres and spiny black plated armor standing on either side of the
bridge like staring down. And now now you rise up right into right into
their view, and the two ogres, one of them smiles and the other
one looks a little bit more excited to see you. It's kind of a
strange look to see on such a big broad face, but the one smiles
kind of menacingly. Yeah, the new entrees, welcome, could floor come
right along? Present your names? Please? Are all of you? Why
do you have weapons? Forty? We were given special permissions upon entry.
That's not what's not a problem. If you don't like it, you can
take it up with your higher ups. But we're on our way to the
fourth floor. Fatigue, We've been invited explicitly, and I'm certain that you
wouldn't want to be a cause for delay. Your yelp review will not do
well if you hold us up much longer. You're losing stars. By the
second good right, look good your sir? No, I mean no,
very well, very well madam, And then the other compliment my hat.
It's quite a massive. So at that point, the other ogre turns to
the side, puts its its like spear crossways and just shoves the other ogre
off the platform where you see him kills it, tumble forward, disappear into
this into the shaft and just hear a just as he falls away. Awkward.
That's good, thank you? Uh, And the other ogre turns to
you with its massive, meaty jowy face. Hey, guys, Oh,
it's me climb time. Oh my god, I'm waiting for you. Rightes,
you're alive after all this time? Kiss me? Sweep away, and
this giant, flabby ogre comes storming over at you, like you know that
scene in Roger, Who Fraid Roger? Rabbit? Mina hyena na na she
she stops im morphed into one of these. She's a lot better. Hey,
I'm just kidding. I'm not gonna kiss you with my big slapper face.
Wow, I feel like if you have changed. Yeah, I mean,
I guess that's I'm an ogre. Where have you been? What have
you been doing? Where have you been? Loca? You sure are hard
to keep up with. Well, yeah, we've been on the move since
we've met. Yeah, what what about you? How are you here right
now? Well, the darnest and funniest thing happened. So I infiltrated the
Guild of Heroes, using my shape shifting abilities to gain access to one of
the hero parties, and then the hero parties went on a couple of missions.
I did that pretty fun. Gotta say the pay is exquisite, especially
if you are what's the word unscrupul and love her so much. And then
girl guild master called for volunteers for a secret mission into the Grimwood. So
I was like, hey, didn't Martin head towards the grim Wood? Uh?
Yeah, I mean so I volunteered, And then I snuck away from
that because that was nonsense. They they're they're helping some community of refugees or
something. I don't know. It involved the sky ship. There was a
rabbit there. She scared the ship out of me. So I left,
and uh, and then I snuck this way, and then I heard rumors
about princesses and the Briar Tower, and then I remembered something I overheard about
damsel recovery. Anyway, I snuck in here and I ate the guy whose
skin I'm wearing. Yikes, okay, latch unpack there. Yeah yeah,
that tracks. Can you can you help us get to where we're going?
Oh? Totally except the room in there full of guys, dozens and dozens
of ogres and feet nights and a guy named Admiral or General Hackett or something
laying an ambush I think for you. Oh oops, Okay, time is
there. Do you know of any path to like sneak around them? Can
we? There are all kinds of secret passages all around here. Perfect can't
use them now, they're all magically bound. You'd have to get one of
the witch stones to be able to transfer transfer through them. Yeah. So
if you don't have one of the witch stones, the passages sort of digest
you and dissolve you as you pass through them. Yeah, pretty bad.
Okay, all right, so the only way through is through the ambush.
Yeah, but I wouldn't recommend trying to actually go through rude the ambush probably
should be clever about it or something. Yeah, we're always do the clever
thing. Well did we did we find out like some sort of like covey
for the uh for the like? Do we disguise ourselves? It worked for
me, I mean it could It could probably work for me too. Okay,
So two of us can make it through and be guards, maybe taking
the rest of us to We have at least one invitation to the fourth floor
to invitation. Oh right, okay, yeah I have I'm in the cove.
We just have two, right, yes, yes, we have two
invitations. Gosh, yeah, I lost my invitation but I didn't baland so
fucking upset that there was nothing in her covey. Everybody else had some bullshit
in their covey. Or if I hadna you had de Sator got dead snakes,
I would take a wanted a threat half a dead snake. Yeah.
Sure, it's for the best. Don't you have made somebody thinks they're still
a queen? The queen? I'm a queen, all right, Clementine?
So what if? Yeah? What if I just like, could you maybe
give me some pointers? I disguised myself as a guard and then the other
guy you saw him right before I pushed him. Yeah, okay, I
could do that. I locking it in, locking it in, giving the
features, draw me like one of your French girls, got it boom,
and he just at the end of that is the ogre. Wow. Uh
do you want to go ahead and give me a roll? Though, just
to be just for safety. His powers have upgraded, but are also a
little more dangerous. Now one hundred did you roll a hundred? That's not
Yeah, that's not a hundred? What's not? How I'm what is it?
It's one to zero, which might be a one? Oh? What
did you say? What were you saying about his powers. Uh, rolling
one through ten is like extra dangerous. Okay, We're fine, God damn
it? All right, well, I guess always all right, the cold
iron nail shoots out of his fucking forehead and jabs itself right between Senator's eyes
like a fucking missile. What you take one trauma? Uh? And the
eye is now peering back out of the forehead, and Martin is turning into
something but it's it's it's an ogre, but it has too many heads,
and it's puking acid onto the onto the ground that's dissolving the stone under your
feet. I don't have shoes. Oh my Clementine, holy ship, you're
a mess. Kid here, let me help you. Oh what is it?
She reaches out and part of her hand like gels and like merges into
your hand, and then her eyes roll back in her head and would you
make another transformation? Roll there? All right? With my bonus, I
made it so she shivers and jutters, and then you know, your transformation
stops. You still have you know, too many heads and acid pouches and
all that kind of good stuff. We almost pass oh primordial. Oh sorry,
I sort of orgasms out there for a second, didn't I orgasms?
Did I say that? Or is that just what you heard? You dirty
old man. I don't know. Some of us have read her journal.
Not well. I think I'm pregnant. But other than that, I seem
to have stopped your transformation. Okay, okay, okay, ah, Wow,
you're a fucking mess. Huh? Did you ever get to the end
of the journal? I think it might help you. I did, but
sidetracked rereading chapter three over and over, I said, does work for you?
Okay, Jesus, listen, when you and I have a minute,
we have to talk about something. It'll be helpful. Shifter to shape shifter.
Okay, okay, yeah, I'm good. I'm good now, I'm
good. Now me too. I ate a cigarette, Hilary am left a
little bit of me and I'm gonna throw up. I'm okay with that.
Okay, okay, So I'm a guard. I am a guard. All
right, this is gonna work for sure. All are a fucking mess,
aren't you? Can? Someone pull this out of my forehead? It looks
cool. It's sort of metal emo, not a gasser. Abro Bolante steps
out of a puff up smoke at the side of the of the of the
of the door. Looks like it's time for not a guess to shine what
you've been trade as you should have expected by my filthy whore brother, we
have well, in a manner of speaking, he said he would bring you
to the tower and that you would be you would arrive safe and unharmed.
However, he cleared the first story for you and then told the second floor
to expect your arrival. Well, we have a plan for that, do
you now? Yeah? I can't you see I'm a guard? Oh yeah,
definitely. What the guards look like? Who will be the wiser?
None of them? I can underestimate, Hacket. I can help. Let's
hear it. What do you suggest? Illusions? Illusions? Michael, There's
no way we can fight them directly, but I can grant you my power
of some trickery and illusion. Okay, And that's not a good enough explanation,
So like, what's your plan? My plan is that we turn them
against each other? Okay. So he goes to the door and leans down
to the keyhole and peeks in, and then, through a little ripple of
enchantment, you can all see what he's seeing inside. There are two clear,
different factions. On the right, there are Fatites and in there giogled
it shiny armor and theyir iridescent wings, and a few Femorians among them.
You recognize they're not as big as the black iron Femorian, but they are
those giant fay creatures with like one swollen eye and like huge weapons, and
hacket a city. Right in the middle of that contingent. On the left
side, however, are the briar Tower Ogres, like these big, hulking,
filthy, degenerate troglodite monsters on the side, and it looks like there's
a bit of friction between the two, and there's quite a bit of like
a gap where they don't on a commingle. You see that this is the
problem with evil, Even evil hates other evil. Long ago I came to
a clearing, and deep beneath this clearing was a line, and this line
led down and down into the bones. So this place I claimed as my
place of power. On this spot I claimed no men would ever set foot
lest they bow before me. My sisters had grown soft, unwilling to use
power they found forbidden, grown fat and easy on blood sacrifice, and the
rule of three. I would be my own coven, a coven of one,
and I would have a tower that touched the sky, and a bower
that no man, no arm, he could preach. I strove for lifetimes
to see it done, and when it was, I stood upon a place
none could take from me. It was a wonder I had built, and
it was only mine. But yet I yearned, as a woman does.
But the power to quicken life I had long ago harvested for other skills and
traded for other tools. I shamefully admit to a loneliness and a longing worsened
day by day as my neighbors, nothing but simple peasants, somehow foolish enough
to live in the shadow of my tower, awaited their own little bundle of
joy, Such a joy I wish I was above wanting, But the truth
is I was covetous. And so when he stole over my wall, gathered
up a few paltry bags from my gardens. For the winter had been long
and hard, I saw a way to have what I wanted to take it.
So I did. Life times and lifetimes it had taken to build up
all that I had, And all it took was raising one small girl to
bring it all down. If you had a chance to do it again,
to change your story, would you not take it? No matter what bargain
you had to strike, no matter what sin you had to commit. These
near laes who enter my tower and marched to their doom, made such a
bargain, as have their foes, as have I, Witch of the Briar.
Do not to deceive yourself to rewrite your life. You do the same.
Thanks for listening to Could Have Been Heroes. Production and editing by Aaron
Schomrock, theme song by Bo Hoover and cover art by me Robert Knutsen.
Could Have Been Heroes is an entirely independent podcast, so if you like the
show, please subscribe and review. For exclusive content and hands on far retal
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at cbchpod and check out our website. Could Have Been Heroes dot com No