Welcome to see what the party RIGGEDA. I'm Aaron Prescus with me as always
are Joseph Beck Castro and Chris Chapman, and we're joined once again by writer
comedian Brendan Pranowitz, who's gonna help us finish off the summary for Arnold's nineteen
eighty two fantasy epic Conan the Barbarian. All right, let's jump right back
in, So take it away, Chris. The three of them get brought
before King I wrote down King Oswrich, but it corrected the King Ostrich.
That's what I'm gonna call him now. Christopher Plumber it was I. I
always get No, it's actually not. Actually I looked it up. It's
Max Von Sdo. I always get confused with Christopher Plumber. Okay, are
they the same person? I thought it was Gandalf. That guy's Gandalf.
No, you're thinking of Christopher Electrician. Totally Wait, pretty shirts, they
look exactly the same. I looked it up on IMDb, it says maxim
They look the same. Yeah, definitely. So they get brought before King
Ostrich seemingly to pay for their crimes, but in fact he is super pumped
that they fucked with the Snake cult. He tells them that he hates the
Salsa Doom and that the High Priest Rexor has really been pissing him off since
the jewels were stolen. The king also says that his daughter was recruited into
the cult and is set to be given to Salsi Dom, so he pays
the thieves to go and steal her back, promising even more money when they
return. I think he let him off easy. Oh yeah, definitely,
well too easy. He could have killed one of them as an example,
could have killed that girl with that one girl, I like, slice off
an ear like. Instead of killing him, he gave him a job,
a really well paying job. He's like, here's the Groovyah. Sometimes they'd
rather be killed on the job. That's true. Later on, when when
they're alone, Valeria tells Arnold that Salsa Doom is unbeatable and begs him to
abandon the rescue mission, to just take what they've got already and run away,
But Arnold is clearly determined to go not only to get the princess back,
but to avenge his parents, and when Valeria awakes the next morning,
he has gone horse yeah exactly, And it gets kind of weird like that
that what is it? The Children of Doom? Yeah, this is God.
This is when this one. The narrator comes back in as he he
sets off things on the whole movie and and I'm like, who the fuck
is this guy? I forgot? Like where have you been? He's like,
my father, what is going on right now? So Arnold is off
in search of the Mountain of Power, where where the princess is and where
Salsa dom rules from. But along the way he runs into some hippies.
And this is the part that Brendan was talking about. It looks like they
live in a be like they live in ocean beach. Uh. So he
sees the hippies and this is where the narrator cuts back in and he says
he said what does he say? He's like Doom's children, the Children of
Doom. Yeah, it's just so random. And then they're gone, Yeah,
what the The hippies tell him where the mountain is and that he should
join the cult. Arnold keeps riding, runs across some kind of like shrine
or monument or something. It's basically just a bunch of boulders in a big
grid pattern. I'm curious how long this movie would be if you took out
all the traveling montages or half the montages period, Like, it's just especially
the travel there's a lot of traveling, but they spend so much time on
it. It is it is Lord of the rings Eskin that way, Yeah,
how much better would be would the movie be if it was all montage?
Take it from that direction, it'll probably be better. That's just the
music video though, especially like the eighties one where it's just like them going
on concert kind of seems like a music like if you cut out all the
dialogue and he just looks like he's walking through analope belly like right, it's
all. But I missed the naming conventions of how they did, like especially
in this movie, like the Wheel of Pain, the Mountain of Power.
You know we got like Palamar Mountain are fucking like uh, you know mount
Hood or some bullshit like I want like mount the Mountain of Pain, Like,
uh, I can't think of anything else. I just want cool ship.
See this is why we don't have good names anymore more. Mount Pain,
more mountain, the Mountain of more pain than the one. That way,
this mountain sucks. Mountain of Pain six mountain mountain, I don't know
ship mountain it is. So we're at the monument or whatever, mountain of
your ball sticking to the side of your leg and you're like, I know
what takes back from this mountain? All right, I'd stay away from that.
That's all mountains, right, Yeah, mount of ticks your balls,
I'm not very funny your balls. That's good. That mountain too. Yeah,
that's a rough one mountain of the place where we continuously interrupt Chris before
you can say what he's doing. Yeah, very descriptive mountain. That's the
mountains live on. Actually, were at the my favorite part of the movie.
When I love this part of the movie. Obviously the chronicle is your
favorite character, Like when he ends up at this place, it's the best.
It's probably the best part. I have so many questions, but go
ahead here the summery guy. I've been waiting for this. So it's at
this monument where the narrator finally enters the story, as Arnold, is that
by a hermit who claims to be a wizard who can summon demons. And
at this end, also when he enters the story is like he's so fucking
crazy. It's starting to make me doubt that any of this actually happened,
like he's just making all this ship up. So Arnold immediately makes friends with
this maniac who says his job is to sing to all the dead gods and
kings buried under the shrine, and who is so crazy even Salsa Doom's cult
doesn't fuck with him. I was I was going to say, like they
act like they know each other, so was he kind of he's very like
friendly with like him and Subo act the same way like Super times. Yeah,
yeah, making friends out there just good the way to start laughing.
It's good to see you. Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely weird. But
they're both just crazy stupid. So so at this point, Arnold forms a
plan. He leaves his belongings with the Wizard, picks up some wild flowers,
and heads to where the Snake Cult pilgrims are gathered. The part where
he says, do they have flowers there? Yeah? Exactly. That's the
last line of dialogue with them before he leaves, And that's when they first
met because the the Wizard is basically telling him that I don't know, like
how hard it is to live here, like fire doesn't burn at the top
of the mountain or whatever, and he's like, by the way, yeah,
he is super full of shit. But he Arnold asks him do they
have flowers here? And then he like so weird. Yeah, And it's
one of the few sentences he says in the entire movie. Yeah, like
completely makes it out. And then I think that the wizard just goes flowers
and then they just both start laughing at each other. Yeah, it's so
strange. I love it. Yeah, So Arnold takes his flowers and he
heads off to see all the other snake cultists. Now it gets a little
homo erotic. Yeah, favorite part of the men. It's been relatively homo
runnic up to this point. I don't know. So he he heads to
he heads to where all the other pilgrims are. The snake the actual snake
cultists arrive eventually to take the pilgrims to the mountain, and Arnold pretends to
be a filthy hippie like the ones he met earlier. But how he becomes
one is great. It's like such a stream. Well, no, he
he pretends to be a hippie and then he meets a priest three stooges.
The priest is one of my favorite scene of the whole movie. The priest
who clearly has the hots for him, like the second thing. Yeah,
and he can tell because he's like, hey, can we go over there
behind that boulder when no one can see? Yes, And the priest is
like absolutely, yeah. I mean, Arnold's not a little boy either,
surprising for a priest. Got you they won't you're too old. Yeah,
So he takes the priest behind some cover and then knocks the the fuck out
and steals his ropes. Well, I like it before that where he says
I'm just shy. He says, I'm I'm afraid, and he's like afraid
of showing your body, and it's like, how do you know that's what
he was? What the fuck are you talking about? Trying to get him
naked? Like there aren't a lot of gay themes in early films, but
like, I'm surprised this hasn't been discussed more in college classrooms because there wasn't
a lot of gay texts. There's a lot of gay subtexts in this movie.
Yeah, in this film in particular. But we're talking about American cinema,
right, not a lot of gay themes, but this one hasen gay
themes. Yep, definitely. Uh So, now that he is a priest,
he gets to the mountain where they're all going, Chris, you know
what you said something earlier, and I think it really comes full circle here.
I mean the cult looks like kkk oh. Yeah. Absolutely, it
just looks like a huge like this place just looks like Georgia, Like it
looks like masses and masses of white hooded people like yeah, and they're all
white, by the way, Like there's again, besides James Old Jones,
there's no other black or even vaguely ethnic people in this movie. But anyway,
he's at the mountain, he starts using the snake symbol that he stole
from the Tower of the Serpent, like it's a backstage pass exactly. I
love how the has like a doorman, like the guy who checks everybody's medallions
before he enters. Like right, he's checking everybody's medallion. Yeah, which,
by the way, the priest that he sold the ropes from he had
a regular medallion. Wait where did he get this medallion? Again? He
pulled it off the wall on the tower after before he killed the snake.
Yeah, he's just showing it. It's like singing an idea, a picture
of an idea to at a bar, like at a like a store,
and tearing that off of there and then trying to show it at at like
no, no, it's like seeing a picture of the lead singer of the
band and taking that off the wall and then taking that and be like no,
no, no, I'm I'm this person. This person told me to
go to the bar with an idea of Samuel Jackson. Yeah, like,
I don't think this matches though it's not. Conan the software engineer, like
like all those smart motherfuckers barbarians. He kind of passes though he passes for
a while, you know, for a little bit he passes the first guy
there's yeah, well they're dumber than he is. Dar fucking Steve the Chargolodyte
ship like the little a couple of levels below barbarian. Do you think those
other guys got in trouble after because they didn't like catch the idea, like
you know, when if you get cod with the fake idea at the bar
exactly like they get arrested. So those guys probably, I mean, the
film has a strange penal system, like like got arrested and he got a
job, like but then he got arrested again, a guy crucified promoted.
Though it's like, you don't know what the ethical quality of the ethics and
the film are just bizarre. I mean, it's it's it's well, see,
here's the thing you're missing. It is a social commentary on our current
penal system, but it's just shown through the lens of Conan. But it's
the same sort of thing like when he gets a job, basically that's the
white Conan. When he gets sent and he gets crucified and or becomes a
child's slave, that's a black or brown Conan. So really it's just a
huge social commentary on the American justice system and specifically the prison system, and
how white color white people usually benefit from crime and getting caught while others do
not. So I wish it chronicler would have said that. So one of
the guards takes one of the guards like basically notices that the symbol he's using
is bullshit and takes it from him. But let's impass. At this point,
Salsa Doom appears at the top of the mountain to speak to the crowd.
As the guard goes to uh Rexor and Gallagher two, which is what
I'm calling the guy with the hammer, to show to show them the snake
symbol, and as Doom speaks, the guards sneak up on Armold and sneak
up on Arnold and take them away as everyone calls him an infidel. I
did not think Gallagher two was going to hit that hard. I've just imagined
like him imagining heads or pumpkins. He's like, oh yeah, and then
like actual Gallagher like sell this movie. And it's like, bro, like
what if I use that same hammer, we use watermelons instead of it's hilarious.
Yeah, well it makes that girl just jump for no reason, you
know. He's like, hey, are you my follower? She's like yeah.
It kind of reminds me of like when that cult where a bunch of
people committed suicie. I remember Heaven's Gate, every cult like Jones, Yeah,
Jim Jones. It reminds me of Jim Jones. Was that also a
sex cult? Aren't they all probably? I don't know, they all kind
they all are. That's the number one reason you start a cult. Just
this smash like lost nineteen year old Chicks, yeah anyway. Yeah, so
Arnold's getting taken away as everyone calls him an infidel, and I just I
got to stop here because I really like this close up on James old Jones
because it looks like he's in a Cobra commander costume. I mean commander costume
thematically makes sense, yep, exactly, and snake eyesed you what what?
So? I was curious why the good people that paste pecantes SaaS never made
like a theme flavor called salsed Doom. Then I noticed James old Jones is
from New York City, New York City, all right, anyway, So
Arnold is being tortured by Rex Oren Gallagher. When Fulsa shows up, Falsa
monologues for a while talking about how Maddie is that Arnold stole his jewels and
killed a snake, and then Arnold tells him about how how Thulsa murdered his
family and stole his father's sword. Fulsa clearly doesn't remember, but admits that
in his younger days he was obsessed with finding good steal, but that he
now values power over the flesh much more, and proves his power by having
one of his followers throw herself off a Cliff much like the Girl in the
Tower. Yeah, I liked that. That was a great thing. It
was a good monologue. Yeah, that's supporting actress, right, yeah,
I bet you that ship was like super annoying too, god Like, Yeah,
he pretended it was random, but he was definitely like no, no,
that one right the fuck that yeah, Susan, yeah you yeah.
The way he says it too, He's like you beautiful woman. Yeah.
Then he's like, do you love me? And then he's like come from
the child? Yeah yeah. Fulsa then said this is Arnold to be crucified
on the Tree of Woe. We see him hang on the tree for weeks
as vultures wait for him to die, and one vulture gets a little impatient
and pays the price as Arnold bites its neck and fucking kills it. It's
probably some of the best acting the entire film. Really break it down,
Yeah, well, the vulture did a great job. If we look at
Arnold where he's actually acting like he being, the vulture looks fake as fuck.
Yeah, the vulture looks like a correct puppet, you know. But
when he bit that vulture, like there is I could see that was coming
from something deep inside. Yeah, he played. He played the older and
over verse card right there. It's like, all right, fucking vulture,
I got you now. Uh So some more time passes, and when it
seems like Arnold is on the brink of death, suddenly he sees Subo on
the horizon and begins laughing deliriously before passing out. You know, from what
I heard about this movie beforehand, I really thought, like I said,
Gon be some like sort of badass, but now gets his ass kick throughout
the home consistently, like manages to get out of a fucked up situation by
luck. Basically, Valeria is way more bad at Like, she's like the
most kick ass character in this movie. Yeah yeah, They definitely make her
way more competent in every way, and she's the one. She's generally the
one who comes up with the plans and ship too. If you look at
the cult too. The cult they don't believe in anything. That's their whole
goal is to believe in nothing. So it makes sense that Arnold would one
day be their king because he has nothing in his head. It's like the
perfect Matt. That'd be great if they kept asking him questions about nothingness and
he just accidentally knew the answers. He's like, uh, that's the I
mean, it's it's sad Conan the International Spy Barbarian. This is the great
tagline. Such great tagline. That's true. That's what should have been on
all the every poster should have been a different it's whatever ategist, not coon
on the lawyer, the Wall Street lawyer Barbary uh so uh. Subo brings
him back to the Wizard's hut, where Valeria is also waiting. She demands
that the Wizard use his magic to heal Arnold, but the Wizard warns that
it will come at a cost, but but Valeria volunteers to pay it.
Then the Wizard draws a bunch of shit onto Arnold's face since he's passed out.
I can't tell. I thought he was like just dying, but he
might be dead, I honestly, but you always you always do that when
exactly it doesn't matter if you just fucking dress like I'm sure most of those
symbols meant dick or balls. Yes, I think this is where the chronicler
should have come in and explain, like Arnold's dead. Yeah, it would
have been nic And also like this scene is probably another one of Arnold's best
acting part. He just lies still. He does a great job alive.
I like the idea that he was supposed to lie still, but he couldn't,
so they had to wrap him up just because. So that night they
tie Arnold's body to some stakes in the ground and the Wizard tells them that
something is going to try to take him. The sky turns red. A
bunch of spirits come to try to take Arnold, but Valeria and Subo fight
them off while the Wizard hides in his hut. Eventually, the spirits give
up, but Arnold does not wake up until the following morning, and when
he does, Valeria promises that as long as he's alive, she will fight
through the gates of Hell to stand with him. The special effects are terrible.
They looks like like like they're the worst. They might as well use
pacts. It's clearly just animation on top of like the film or whatever.
But yeah, yeah, and like they didn't seem that hard to fight off,
you know. No, they're just like swatten away like that, Yeah,
just swatten away. She even tries to stab a couple of them with
a knife, and it's like they're they're ghosts. They're clearly ghosts. What
are you doing? Apparently it worked, yeah, I mean they're just like
not very yeah. So Arnold recovers his strength shortly thereafter, and the trio
make a plan to infiltrate the mountain through the back door, although val and
Subo seem worried. Although Valle and Subo seem worried that Arnold will be more
focused on killing uh Salsa Doom than grabbing the princess, they get to the
mountain, put on some camo paint and head inside. This is one of
my favorite parts too. I love this. I love it. Wait when
they're sneaking in all of it. I love how they put camo paint on
for no reason. What they didn't have camo on the entire film, and
you know what, and why the fuck would it matter when they're gonna be
in there, like right next to people. So they make it into Salsa
Doom's champagne room where there is a lot of sex happening. Uh, and
it's not sex out well, there's a lot of writhing and naked bodies happening.
There's not even that much nudity. It looks like a bunch of people
who never took sex at trying to have just a bunch of dry humping going
on. That's clearly dry. It's the worst orgy scene I've ever seen,
and I've seen a lot the worst. Let's see Salsa is sitting on his
throne with the princess next to him, and I just really love Arnold's eyes
when he sees the orgy, like they keep there, they're like peeking over
the side, and like her head pops up and she looks Supos head pops
up and she looks, and then Arnold's head pops up and his eyes go
all wide, like, oh my god, there's an orgy in here.
I think that's my favorite part of the movie. That's what I'm saying.
I love this part of So the thieves prepare for their attack while Salsa tomb
starts turning into a giant snake and slithers out of the room that they were
making Yeah yeah, cans. And this this girl she like she like starts
eating hand but like out it's like the worst, Like how do you eat
a hand? I have no clue. There's like there's got to be a
lot of bones in it. But she's just like chewing on it, like
like an edible hot dog. And I thought like, if I would have
made this movie, I would have written in here, I'd be like,
hey, does anybody in this org you need a hand job? It would
been like the perfect wine missed opportunity. Well, then then you gotta you
gotta hire another actor who's like playing drums in the background so you can that,
Hey, who wants some hands soup? Here? Just a bunch of
stuffs. It's so stupid. I love it. It's weird. It looks
like it's like green soup with hands in it, Like, who the fuck
wrote that? Also, when he turns into the snake, it reminded me
of supermar Brothers. For some reason. The movie turns into the yeah just
king Koopa. Yeah Yeah, it's only three frames where he turns into his
snake. It's a normal face and his face gets a little bit longer than
bam snake. Yeah definitely, So this the the thieves at this point uh
set a fire and start the attack, with Arnold and Subo fighting guards while
Valerio fights her way up to the princess and grabs her. Rexor and Gallagher
show up and fight Arnold Gallagher gets a little mallet crazy and accidentally knocks loose
some debris that hits rex Or on the head and takes him out and then
yeah, and then knocks down a pillar so that like he can't get to
uh Arnold. The trio get back to their horses and begin their escape,
but they knock over the soup. They knocked over the Oh yeah, sorry,
jumped all that. Everybody, all these people fuck. He's like,
they definitely make a meal out of that soup falling over. Like there's a
lot of shots of the soup. Like somebody should have a party where they
did reenact that seat. You know, that'd be so great fun. I
mean, that's that's that's Nickelodeon in the night. They saw this and like,
oh green slime, Yeah, that's gonna be our thing. So Salsa
shows up. After all the action is over, he goes outside. He
turns a snake into an arrow and he hits Valeria with it as they're riding
away. This part is kind of sweet, like it's kind of yeah,
I want I want my last last breath in your mouth. Okay, that
was fucked up. That was fucked up weird. So Valaria Valeria is dying
in Arnold's arms shortly thereafter, and one of her last words is let me
breathe my last breath into your mouth. That's kind of no thank you,
bloody, like your literal death rattle into my mouth. No thank you?
I think, can we do a vote? I say romantic? Romantic.
The good thing about that is if like she said that to you and you're
like eh, it wouldn't matter. She's gonna die like seconds, So if
she does get mad about it, she'll be dead in a minute. I
would have done it, just like put your mouth over like Jim Carrey and
uh in Dumb and Dumber with when he's kissing what's her name? It's like
yeah. But if you look carefully at this scene again, she's overacting,
like everything over dramatic. One of my notes is Valeria dies from bad acting.
Alright, Let's see, when they get back to the Wizard's hut,
they burn Valeria on a pyre like like Aaron said earlier, the Wizard's full
of shit because he said no fire would burn up there exactly. So I
have three thoughts real quick here. First off, they just lost the best
member of their team. Yeah. Number two, Mako says the fire won't
burn up there and then immediately start a fired And I'm thinking that, with
the exception of Valayer, this whole team doesn't know what the fuck they're doing.
Yeah, because is he supposed to be like a wise man too or
something wizard. He's a crazy asshole, That's what he is. He's he's
Yoda, like you know, yeah, but he's Yoda before Yoda decides to
take ship serious, Like he's Yoda at the beginning of Empire when we first
meet him. Yeah, crazy Yoda. He's talking about he doesn't know what
is talking about. Then Colden isn't exactly like the epitome of like classic like
Schwarzenegger action heroes, like like Dutch from Predator for John Eracer from A Racer.
I don't believe that was his name. It's Kruger, a racer in
IMTB. They lost the best memory of our team. She's as smart as
too. She's the smartest, clearly the smartest in the whole movie. Like,
for example, if she was still alive, she might have said,
Hey, why don't you try to bring me back to life instead of burning
my body like it just did. Yeah, right, seems like that's an
option, and in this film, I'm thinking that when he said, then
when Mako said they learned how to read his probably picture books, because there's
no way those were Okay. Then lastly, like, do you guys think
the funeral piate thing like that would probably smell good? Right? Like kind
of like how a steak starts smelling good on the really can't smell when you're
cooking a steak. You're cooking a very small piece of an animal. You're
not cooking their bladder or they're intestine. Imagine the pubes back in the day.
Yeah, fuck, Like it's like eighties Bush. But before that,
like razors weren't even inventedge. I like how you can't conceptualize anything beyond eighties
Bush. Yeah, I wasn't alive before that, okay, Like I was
curious if it if it smelled good or not, But then then after that
I was curious, like I wonder if she smelled better than Qui gon Gin
smelled in Menace, like or which one smells worse? Like does she smell
worse than Qui gon Jin smells and Phantom Menace? And I would have sayd
Darth Vader probably probably smelled the worst because they're also burning plastic with that when
they're burning him. Also, you know, because he's in the suit,
he doesn't bathe right, Like he just is like, no, I don't
have to bathe. He sits in that back to tank, doesn't he sure?
I guess, I don't know. It's a suit. It's like picture
Darth Vader in a shower, like in its postume, just with the helmet
on everything. He's got like a plus Yeah, so he doesn't smell outside
the suit, but he smells really bad inside the suit. I have to
assume. Okay, Well, he's a fucking magic wizard with a sword,
so you can probably just like magic away his force away the sting. I
don't know, man, Yeah, I mean why not maybe, but be
also I just imagine there. It's kind of like a like a dishwasher,
you know, like presses button maybe hooks up like a hose and it just
like goes in there and like it dreams out to go washing his balls.
Just pumps water and scrubbing bubbles in there. Yeah, just like when you
put you're junk next to pump and a jacuzzie. That's that's he's got a
special pump that just goes right like underside of his balls. Like Lord,
Vader don't know washing myself. He's just always on. Uh hey, do
you guys think that Valeria was a gold DIGGERM no, because she's like she
just seemed like she was like poor like the rest of them to where they
all know. Like again, I don't think they would have been very successful
if not for her, so like Arnold just duck kept her on his steady
diet. I mean, I guess I don't know yet, but yeah,
she wouldn't have They wouldn't have gotten all that if it wasn't for her,
because he's smart, and they probably would have tried to go through the front
fucking door. Yeah, at that place, they had just gone and done
Conan's planet again, gotten some robes. Let's see. Oh yeah, they
burned Valeria out of Pyre. Arnold decides he's gonna wear the necklace that he
made for Valaria. I I just this was funny to me. The wizard
Subo is crying, and the wizard goes, why are you crying? And
it's like, my fucking friend just died, you dickhead, Like why do
I have to like just because she wasn't my girlfriend. It doesn't mean I
can't cry, asshole, he says. Yeah. He says he is Conan
the barbary, or he is Conan. He cannot cry, so I will
cry for him. And that also just seems like a cover. But whatever,
it seems like a weird thing to say. Yeah, but if it's
true that that's a that's a real Helmy right there. Yeah, I guess
yeah, like that's a real friend. Yeah, he's all sad, but
he can't cry. You're like, all right, man, I'll I'll take
on the crying for you. Conan like says, hey, shut up,
pussy. Yeah. Conan then makes fun of him for crying. Yeah,
yeah, it's not Conan the therapist, Conan the barbarian. It's not the
emotionally the emotionally literate Conan, the emotional support friend. We cut to the
next day. The princess, who's the one that they're supposed to take back
to the king, tells Arnold that falsea doom will be coming for her,
and so he and Supo prepare for the coming battle predator style by setting up
a bunch of traps and spears and shit. They really didn't need the dead
bodies like they could in the cave. But they're like, nah, these
might help us. There were some that were already out on the thing.
There were some that he found the first time around. Has anyone actually seen
all Oliver Stones movies? Could are the actually well written? Because this one
is He's all right. He's an all right director, like as far as
writer to dialogue writer, just the dialogue and this is bad. But I
mean, I guess if they're purposefully making it cheesy. Yeah, you know,
not every work is your best, you know. Sometimes this was early
in his career. Sometimes you're just paying the bills. Yeah, just like
Adam Sambler. Let's see. So eventually Salsa and his riders show up and
Arnold praised to crom for victory or more accurate, more accurately for revenge.
I like how his his speech is pretty much like the speech that or the
thing that uh Dennis Habert says in Major leag where he's like, well then
puck you Joe bu like, I'll do it myself exactly. I do it
myself. Yeah. I don't go to church, but whenever my mom dragged
me a church on Christmas, I say the same prayer you know, I'm
like, hey, fuck you Jesus. You know it helped me. Hey,
my rent. So eventually let's see Salsa's forces then ride through the shrine
where Arnold and Subo ambushed them and managed to take out most of them,
no problem. Even the Wizard helps out a little bit. He stabs it,
dude. They kind of wasted time putting the spikes in the ground though,
because not one they knock in to the spikes, but nobody gets actually
stabbed by him. I was waiting for someone gets down. They didn't.
Nope. So eventually it comes down to just Arnold versus Rexor and Gallagher.
Arnold knocks Rexor off his horse and Gallagher falls for one of the predator traps
and gets him paled. That's a great scene, the scene. I just
love that he's dumb enough to fall for that, Like he's just like,
I wonder what the speak contraption with the shirp stick is at the end of
day. There's a guy with the helmet right there and as well hit him
on the head. I'm sure there's nothing that will happen. No, he
just got visions of a watermelony. He can't resist the helmets got hit that
thing hit that ship. Uh So, then rex Or and Arnold fight.
Rex Or gets the upper hand at one point and is about to land a
killing blow when all of a sudden, Valeria appears in shining armor and saves
Conan. Yeah, that was a dumb scene. That's probably the dumbest scene
in the whole movie. I don't know what the fuck she said, but
it was dumb. I'm pretty sure she just said, do you want to
live forever again? Yeah? I I I don't know why she said that.
That was I don't get why she's back to life because I guess I
don't know. It's some weird ship like they could have done better. Yeah,
I don't know. And then she's gone. There's magic and ship.
So Arnold gets back up and cuts through rex Source sword which is actually his
father's sword, and kills him. Salsa Doom runs away, but not before
trying to kill the princess with another snake arrow. Luckily, Subo gets there
just in time to block it with his shield. I thought was dead in
that scene. I thought he was gone. Yeah, I definitely thought that
it was going to go through his shield and bite his arms. At this
point in the film. I had about enough a super ready. I thought
the cheetah was gonna eat him. Then I saw the cheetah, I'm like,
no, no, like back when the cheetah first. Yeah, they're
showing the cheetah a lot. The cheetah is gonna eat Subo like he was
only on also only takes one shot that he runs out snakes or something.
He probably takes a lot of energy to get his snake hard, right while
yeah he was an older guy. Yeah, yeah, there's a factory period.
That's when you go to grab another steak and get it hard to get.
He could have probably shot all three of them, but he kind of
half asked it. Yep, definitely. So we cut to that night at
the back at the Mountain of Power as also rallies his followers and tells them
it's time to enact their plan, which is essentially the evil plan from the
first Spike Kids movie, which is like, I can't remember if it's Spike
Kids one or two, but one of them is just the plan is to
replace the children of powerful people with robots that will assassinate them. And I
think that's the plan here, which is that you just brainwash all these kids
and send them back to their parents and then they'll stab them with that dagger
that the king had. Yeah, I didn't know what the fuck was going
on. I had no idea during Spy Kids. I watched Spike Kids a
lot, one of my favorite films. I just don't understand. It's your
mod his kids movies or her fever dreams, just like David Lynch movies.
Uh so it s Alsa has given his speech, Arnold sneaks up to him
with the princess's help. Why is she helping him all of a sudden because
he because Yeah, because Slsa was going to kill her. He tried to
kill her. So what like, what do you mean she's been I don't
know. But the last thing that happens is she's crying out. She said,
no, don't kill me, don't kill me, Salsa, don't kill
me. And then right before he shoots, she cries out for her dad.
So I think she's like the father. Oh no, she's crying for
her father, and so I think broken, she had a change of heart.
Okay, you know, and some with snake air. To change of
heart, you got to snake arrow. Yeah, so Salsa knows he's fucked
at this point, but he tries to convert Arnold, but he gets his
head chopped off instead. I know, I love that scene. And then
he throw his head down the stairs and he realized Arnold be bad at bowling,
you know, to the right, go ahead, I was just gonna
say, with salsa dead. His followers all disperse, and Arnold is left
to contemplate what his life means now that he has his vengeance. So were
they under They weren't under like some sort of hypnotic spell. They were just
like, Okay, if we're not gonna be if he's not gonna be in
charge of us, there's no fucking with this idiot is gonna that counts the
camel? Fuck? No, Like I'm not, we're not following him.
That's probably it. But I also assume that having like an immortal sorcerer on
your side probably emboldens you a lot. I want to see scenes where Arnold's
learning how to read and then that we are we're going to follow this guy
like I samtal immortal sorcerer. But then you're like he's like he's like,
ah, i'd sort of my neck, my own weakness. I just bed
an immortal. He's supposed to be one thousand years old or whatever. That's
what I meant. So at this point, Arnold burns down Salsa's temple made
of stone, made of stone stone, right, He's good, He's good.
Yeah, that would probably be the best place for Mako to be,
like, this isn't going to burn. That's what I would have been like.
That's when I've been like, oh damn, yeah, okay, this
is special. But like he does it for a funeral pire, which I'm
like, which is, by the way, like thirty feet above them at
most, like the pire. Yeah, I think the point of that was
some sort of magic shit. Yeah, I'm sure, but you know,
it looked up. I think the chronicler could have explained that, like,
hey, there's some magic shit happening right now. I know I've been gone
for a while, but I came back to mention. Yeah, let's see.
So he takes the princess back, and the narrator comes back in over
the end of the movie to tell us that he has many more adventures,
some of which might even make for an entertaining and commercially viable sequel. That's
the end of the movie. That Witch, that Witch is going to come
back. Yeah, definitely, which is crazy? Which yeah, which is
be crazy? Yep? Cone which did corn and return the wayward daughter of
King Ostrich to it? Man, I'm trying to a pretty good makeo mao
and having no further concern and his companion saund Adventure in the West when when
we first when the movie first started, I thought that Mako was the Grandpa
from Three Ninjas. He kind of sounds like it, right, he's in
Sidekicks. I know that he's in. He's splintering that nin turtles U animated.
Oh yeah, it sounds drunk about the whole thing. I thought it
was the Cookie Monsters talking ship really said Maco's not alive anymore because you're trying
to get him on on Twitter to say cookie, Cookie Cook. Now we're
going to do something extremely fun. You're going to play a wonderful game called
who is My Daddy? And what does she do? Yes? All right,
And now that my voice sounds totally different, let's throw it away.
Then let's throw it over to Joe for our favorite segment. Joe Namath,
all right, my voice also sounds different. It sounds a little raspier.
You're sexier, sexy. Yeah, yeah, and I also have hiccups too,
So any sexy hiccups? Yeah? Is there any other kind? We
don't have a lot of names here because there was spressing lack of people who
actually worked on this movie. It was filmed in I mean, if you
look at it compared to like any movie with like special effects and stuff.
Yeah, oh yeah, like compare this to a Lord of the Rings movie.
Yeah, okay, okay, So it's filmed in Spain, so there's
a lot of Spanish names which are not really not really as fun I don't
know, I don't know why. But anyways, so we have a sound
editor named bub as Man. I feel like there's been an ass Man before.
Well, this one's as an as m a n. But yeah,
I found it interesting because you know, I'm reaching here, all right,
this one's not a funny name. It's just interesting. There was like a
credit for Spiritual Advisor and not like that was a character, not like that
was a character, but that was a like somebody worked on the film,
you know, yeah on sets. Well yeah, yeah, so that's doctor
Fred L. Rexer. Did you look him up? Oh? What?
Am I fucking professional? I'm just curious? Wait, what was his name
fred L What fred L rexer r e x e R. Oh wow.
He has his own Wikipedia page and a IMDb page, and he's got a
military wiki. He's a military advisor on Apocalypse Now and a spiritual advisor for
Conan the Barbarian. Yeah, those kind of seem the counterintuitive. He's aye,
he's obviously a friend of John Millius, but like it's just funny that
he's like, I kind of like this guy talking just made up a position
for him on codin and what happened? Yeah, talking, uh, talking
guns with them really helps my spirit. It was probably Milius actually, I'm
assuming yeah, needed the spiritual advisor advisor. Okay, sorry, continue all
right, And for the last name, this one's my favorite. It's a
stup person. Their name is Chinchilla. That no first name or no last
name, just one name. And it's like the animal prints. So and
this is not a name, but you know how they do like the thanks
and and everything at the end, this one just says a special thanks to
Alfredo. So I'm not sure if that's a person a place, or they
just really like the pasta sauce. I don't know. I assume it's maybe
they were just carbloading that whole time, and they're like us again. Thank
you, Alfredo, just him and his spiritual advisor every night, just going
to Olive cardon because they have those in Spain. I love that idea.
But yeah, that's that's all I got. So awesome, all right,
and that's the summary for you. That's fun. Uh. I guess we'll
see you next episode for whatever's left. It could be trivia, it could
be more talking. Who knows irons pumped? That's that's gonna happen for sure,
and then more stuff anyway. Thanks for listening, and if you enjoy
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