WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.120 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty the 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:09.279 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app AM six forty. You 3 00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:12.679 have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. 4 00:00:12.679 --> 00:00:15.439 If you knew to my show, I have a PhD in clinical psychology. 5 00:00:15.480 --> 00:00:20.120 I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor and I'm obsessed with the science 6 00:00:20.280 --> 00:00:23.760 of love. And we have Route. Oh, we have Mark, we 7 00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:26.920 have Kayla. I have one question I want to ask all three of you. 8 00:00:27.239 --> 00:00:30.320 Let me start with raut Ule. How much anxiety do you think you 9 00:00:30.399 --> 00:00:35.280 have in the general? None? None. I love that he's a calm, 10 00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:38.320 happy person. I can see it on your face unless I'm running the 11 00:00:38.320 --> 00:00:43.200 board at Mark Ronner. How much anxiety do you have in your life? 12 00:00:43.240 --> 00:00:46.320 I've kind of dealt with anxiety for quite a number of years. Actually, 13 00:00:46.479 --> 00:00:48.920 yeah, See it's a thing. It's partly genetic, you know, part 14 00:00:49.079 --> 00:00:52.560 it's not the way we're wired. Kayla, how about you? I thought 15 00:00:52.560 --> 00:00:56.359 I had none, but then I realized my high energy and NonStop talking is 16 00:00:56.359 --> 00:00:59.520 a form of anxiety. So I think I have a lot. Oh interesting. 17 00:00:59.640 --> 00:01:03.319 Yeah, had a conversation with a friend this week and he works remotely 18 00:01:03.319 --> 00:01:07.719 from home, and he was saying that spending too much time alone gives him 19 00:01:07.760 --> 00:01:11.319 more anxiety, only because he only has the sound of his own thoughts, 20 00:01:11.799 --> 00:01:14.560 and he worries and worries and worries. So in a minute, I want 21 00:01:14.599 --> 00:01:18.120 to talk more about anxiety. Let's see what else we have coming up. 22 00:01:18.719 --> 00:01:22.680 How we lie to ourselves about our relationships. Oh, and do you have 23 00:01:22.719 --> 00:01:26.359 a work crush? Are you actually thinking of maybe letting that person know? 24 00:01:26.799 --> 00:01:30.319 I've got some advice for you. And if you've maybe woven a tangled web 25 00:01:30.359 --> 00:01:34.519 of a romantic alliance at the office and you want to get out of it, 26 00:01:36.079 --> 00:01:38.000 I've got some advice for you too. Plus later I'll be taking your 27 00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:44.760 calls and answering your social media questions. Okay, this week, Okay, 28 00:01:44.959 --> 00:01:49.040 I saw Barbie again? No you didn't again? Do you love? Because 29 00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:55.560 I am stereotypical Barbie and I hate it being stereotypical Barbie my entire life, 30 00:01:55.760 --> 00:01:57.680 And now all of a sudden, I have a role model for it. 31 00:01:57.719 --> 00:02:02.519 I'm like, it's okay to bereotypical Barbie. But I went with if you 32 00:02:02.560 --> 00:02:07.639 can imagine this, two of this century's greatest feminists. I went with attorney 33 00:02:07.680 --> 00:02:12.159 Lisa Bloom and her mother, attorney Gloria Allred. Oh, I love it, 34 00:02:12.199 --> 00:02:16.039 and we all wore pink and it was so I said, we had 35 00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:19.280 dinner after a nice said to Gloria, I said, you know, and 36 00:02:19.599 --> 00:02:23.800 to Lisa both, I said, you guys have spent decades laying the groundwork 37 00:02:23.560 --> 00:02:28.360 for a movie like this to be greenlit. Right it could This movie couldn't 38 00:02:28.400 --> 00:02:30.360 have happened in the seventies, eighties, nineties, or even two thousands. 39 00:02:30.400 --> 00:02:35.159 They couldn't. We got to a place where we can talk about patriarchy, 40 00:02:35.199 --> 00:02:39.479 talk about feminism, and tell all the canons that you're can enough, knough. 41 00:02:39.960 --> 00:02:44.319 You're knough, you guys, you don't have to well. I actually 42 00:02:44.360 --> 00:02:47.280 teach us when I teach developmental psychology and we talk about gender stuff. I 43 00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:52.199 talk about the man box that so many men are trapped in, which is 44 00:02:52.560 --> 00:03:00.280 a very narrow bandwidth of acceptable masculinity, right, and guys have a wide 45 00:03:00.439 --> 00:03:04.199 range of being a dude too. And there's this, you know, this 46 00:03:04.280 --> 00:03:07.840 idea that if you're a quote unquote a feminine man, you're less of a 47 00:03:07.879 --> 00:03:09.919 man. Or if you're a feeling man, you're less of a man. 48 00:03:10.400 --> 00:03:15.439 Or if you're less aggressive or competitive, you're less of a man. Or 49 00:03:15.479 --> 00:03:19.319 if you don't want to take all sex, any sex, at any cost, 50 00:03:19.479 --> 00:03:23.159 you're less of a man. And the truth is, you know, 51 00:03:23.319 --> 00:03:30.800 anthropologists would say we have the widest range of masculinity, male behavior, paternal 52 00:03:30.840 --> 00:03:36.000 investment. We know that some guys are really really good dad's and really involved, 53 00:03:36.199 --> 00:03:39.120 lots of you guys, and then there's the others. So anyway, 54 00:03:39.159 --> 00:03:43.360 it was great to see Barbie again. And coincidentally, the night before with 55 00:03:43.400 --> 00:03:46.879 my twenty year old daughter, we watched this movie on Netflix called Moxie. 56 00:03:46.879 --> 00:03:50.800 Have you seen that one? It's at his Simi Polar wrote it, directed 57 00:03:50.840 --> 00:03:53.520 it, and she has a role as the mom in it. It's so 58 00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:55.479 it's like you got a lot of Moxie. Yeah. It's about high school 59 00:03:55.479 --> 00:03:59.639 of girls who are living in the patriarchy and don't know it, and she's 60 00:03:59.639 --> 00:04:02.159 trying to She's an introvert and scared and trying to come up with a thesis 61 00:04:02.159 --> 00:04:08.840 for her college applications and ends up doing an underground magazine called Moxie that she 62 00:04:08.919 --> 00:04:13.400 leaves in the girl's restrooms that basically calls out all the guys because the guys 63 00:04:13.400 --> 00:04:16.720 were, of course doing the most. I can't even say the words on 64 00:04:16.879 --> 00:04:21.040 radio. Let's see, don't you see? I spensible? I don't know. 65 00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:27.399 I'm sorry. We're listing women girls at school on their sexual prowers. 66 00:04:27.560 --> 00:04:30.160 But let me tell you the one thing about the movie, you know, 67 00:04:30.199 --> 00:04:33.079 has a Rara girl power ending, of course, but the one thing about 68 00:04:33.120 --> 00:04:40.639 the movie that really struck a chord with me. So there's this scene and 69 00:04:40.759 --> 00:04:44.800 Marsha Gayharden plays the principle and she's totally colluded with the patriarchy, of course, 70 00:04:45.079 --> 00:04:49.000 and she comes in and there's a very attractive girl in a spaghetti straps, 71 00:04:49.040 --> 00:04:51.720 you know, like a little top with spaghetti straps. But she's quite 72 00:04:51.759 --> 00:04:56.680 endowed, this sixteen seventeen year old girl. So she calls her to the 73 00:04:56.720 --> 00:05:00.120 office and she suspends her for it. And then the same point, she 74 00:05:00.279 --> 00:05:02.720 points to the girl sitting next to her. She goes, she's wearing the 75 00:05:02.759 --> 00:05:06.079 same top. It's a totally flat chested girl and so it looks very She 76 00:05:06.079 --> 00:05:10.120 goes, it's different on her. You come to the office, right, 77 00:05:10.439 --> 00:05:15.639 so it's like you're being disciplined for your own body. And I remember in 78 00:05:15.680 --> 00:05:24.519 the eighth grade, mister fort Jay YEP Saint Thomas Elementary. I got called 79 00:05:24.560 --> 00:05:27.959 to his office because I you know, when you have one of those collared, 80 00:05:28.079 --> 00:05:31.439 long sleeve denim shirts and you it's eighty degrees outside and so you tie 81 00:05:31.480 --> 00:05:36.879 it up at the bottom and reveal one inch of white, skinny abdomen. 82 00:05:38.399 --> 00:05:42.079 That's what happened to me, because I was hot and the teacher said, 83 00:05:42.120 --> 00:05:46.480 untoie your shirt and I said, no, I'm hot, and she sent 84 00:05:46.519 --> 00:05:49.560 me the principal's office and I got suspended for that. Is that crazy? 85 00:05:49.680 --> 00:05:53.680 That's so crazy. Pay attention to your work and not my middrift. I 86 00:05:53.720 --> 00:05:58.279 did say at the age of fourteen, I said, sir, are you 87 00:05:58.360 --> 00:06:02.879 saying that I'm responsible for another for a boy's erection? You are always meant 88 00:06:02.920 --> 00:06:08.680 to be doctor. And he said go home, and then he called me 89 00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:11.199 into his office. After I came back, like a few days later, 90 00:06:11.240 --> 00:06:14.120 whenever I can, probably just for a day I come back. He called 91 00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:15.959 me into his office. He goes, you know, I called your mother 92 00:06:15.519 --> 00:06:19.639 and she told me that if we just gave you the time, you would 93 00:06:19.680 --> 00:06:25.879 come to my office and you would apologize all on your own and I'll never 94 00:06:25.920 --> 00:06:29.240 forget that moment because I looked at him and I said, well, sir, 95 00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:32.120 since you're an older person and you're in a different position of power than 96 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:36.600 I am, I guess it is appropriate that I apologize for my tone and 97 00:06:36.680 --> 00:06:41.680 apologize for maybe the way I said, But I will not apologize for my 98 00:06:41.759 --> 00:06:45.360 ideas or opinions fourteen years old. I said that, good for you, 99 00:06:45.480 --> 00:06:47.920 doctor Nding. I was ahead of my time anyway. That movie Moxy got 100 00:06:47.959 --> 00:06:51.160 me. All right, let's go to anxiety. Shall you wonder why I 101 00:06:51.199 --> 00:06:56.600 have anxiety? I was having this conversation, you know, I shoot those 102 00:06:56.680 --> 00:06:59.959 lawyer commercials TV commercials, right, and the makeup artist and I were chatting 103 00:07:00.480 --> 00:07:04.360 and and then we're talking about all kinds of things, real estate, whether 104 00:07:04.399 --> 00:07:08.160 to buy a house. The cameraman was jumping in about this or that, 105 00:07:08.480 --> 00:07:11.319 and they started talking about the what if, Well if I do this, 106 00:07:11.519 --> 00:07:14.720 what if if I do that? What if? And I stopped them and 107 00:07:14.759 --> 00:07:20.560 I said, you guys are busy worrying about problems that don't exist. And 108 00:07:20.680 --> 00:07:27.800 I said, that's exactly what anxiety is. You know, we as human 109 00:07:27.839 --> 00:07:31.240 beings all evolved to have anxiety. If we had any ancestors, well we 110 00:07:31.279 --> 00:07:34.560 don't. Our ancestors all had anxiety. But if there were any humans on 111 00:07:34.600 --> 00:07:39.240 the planets who did not have anxiety, they walked right up to a lion, 112 00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:42.480 you know, and pettit them then got eaten for lunch. So as 113 00:07:42.519 --> 00:07:46.759 a result, we have a very important survival instinct, which is, oh 114 00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:48.959 my god, am I going to die right now? Oh my god, 115 00:07:49.160 --> 00:07:51.680 this is dangerous? Right, Oh my god, this could be bad. 116 00:07:51.839 --> 00:07:56.000 Oh my god. Right, So this is going on in our heads all 117 00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:59.439 the time. It's a normal amount. Now. In our history, our 118 00:07:59.639 --> 00:08:05.519 entire history, there were real things to be afraid of, from lions and 119 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:09.240 tigers and bears back in the old old time when we were hunters and gathers 120 00:08:09.560 --> 00:08:11.519 to the Middle Ages where if you looked at your neighbor wrong, they clubbed 121 00:08:11.519 --> 00:08:13.360 you on the head, right, I mean, there was You know, 122 00:08:13.399 --> 00:08:18.079 people think there's so much violins in our culture right now. We actually have 123 00:08:18.120 --> 00:08:20.800 the safest culture we've ever had in the evolution of human history. You know 124 00:08:20.800 --> 00:08:24.720 what we do have. We have a lot of media reporting on the very 125 00:08:24.759 --> 00:08:28.240 few incidents that do happen. Okay, I does want to say that so 126 00:08:28.800 --> 00:08:31.799 we live in this safe time. There's actually nothing to worry about, or 127 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:37.080 very little to worry about. So we do use our anxiety, sometimes appropriately 128 00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:43.279 by doing cathartic things to experience fear. They would be scary movies, roller 129 00:08:43.320 --> 00:08:50.639 coasters, driving too fast, all that, and so we cathartically will do 130 00:08:50.759 --> 00:08:54.039 stuff and those are healthy places, I think, my opinion, not for 131 00:08:54.120 --> 00:08:58.360 children or for adults, especially males with a lot of testosterone. Violent video 132 00:08:58.399 --> 00:09:03.440 games opinion only, I'm not ridden research here. Violent video games are an 133 00:09:03.480 --> 00:09:07.759 act of catharsis, like, just get it out with your little what is 134 00:09:07.799 --> 00:09:13.120 it called the control joys to head set. Don't get it out in the 135 00:09:13.159 --> 00:09:16.519 real world, right, act it out in that way. So we go 136 00:09:16.600 --> 00:09:20.000 to a scary movies, violent video games, roller coasters, bungee jumping, 137 00:09:20.039 --> 00:09:24.200 all that stuff. But if we don't do those things, we have an 138 00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:28.480 excess of anxiety that's just left over. You know. An example a comparison 139 00:09:28.600 --> 00:09:33.399 might be, you know, babies who are not breastfed need a pacifier more 140 00:09:33.399 --> 00:09:37.879 often than babies that are breastfed because babies are born with a certain amount of 141 00:09:37.879 --> 00:09:41.960 sucking reflex and it needs to be used very strongly and aggressively to get the 142 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:43.720 milk to let down in the mother and to come out. And so if 143 00:09:43.720 --> 00:09:46.799 you give it a bottle and the milk just flows down, it's got to 144 00:09:46.840 --> 00:09:50.919 do something with its sucking reflex. So in the same sense, we've got 145 00:09:50.919 --> 00:09:56.720 to do something with our healthy fear and our healthy anxiety. And here's what 146 00:09:56.759 --> 00:10:03.559 we should do. Focus send the problems of today, not the problems of 147 00:10:03.639 --> 00:10:07.480 yesterday or the problems of tomorrow. I wake up every morning this is my 148 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:11.879 personal little guide for life, and I say to myself. Life is a 149 00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:16.480 series of problems to be solved. Hey, universe, what do you got 150 00:10:16.480 --> 00:10:20.320 for me today? I'm ready and I focus on what I need to in 151 00:10:20.399 --> 00:10:22.679 that day. I try, you know, we plan for the future, 152 00:10:22.840 --> 00:10:28.639 but I try to not worry about the future. So if you are feeling 153 00:10:28.679 --> 00:10:31.480 a lot of anxiety, I'll tell you what works for me. Distract yourself, 154 00:10:31.559 --> 00:10:33.600 call a friend, listen to some music, just get it. You 155 00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:37.879 know, you can also schedule anxiety. Remember we had that therapist on a 156 00:10:37.919 --> 00:10:39.200 few weeks ago, and she was saying, if you're trying to ruminate or 157 00:10:39.240 --> 00:10:41.960 get over your boyfriend or your ex, you just say no, I'm going 158 00:10:43.000 --> 00:10:45.879 to do it at seven am until seven fifteen every morning. That's my time. 159 00:10:46.159 --> 00:10:48.480 You can do that. You can schedule your anxiety. But more than 160 00:10:48.519 --> 00:10:52.960 anything, get together with your friends. Social support so important. All right, 161 00:10:52.960 --> 00:10:56.159 when we come back, let's talk about your relationship. There are some 162 00:10:56.240 --> 00:11:01.320 lies we tell ourselves every single day out our relationships. I just did one 163 00:11:01.679 --> 00:11:05.639 to myself the other day. I'll explain. You are listening to the Doctor 164 00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:09.720 Wendy Walsh Show and kf I Am six forty but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio 165 00:11:09.759 --> 00:11:18.039 as you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am six forty. 166 00:11:18.600 --> 00:11:22.000 Kf I Am six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 167 00:11:22.080 --> 00:11:26.360 This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. It's amazing how much is in our 168 00:11:26.480 --> 00:11:31.720 mind. Literally, we manufacture stuff that isn't even there, and then we 169 00:11:31.720 --> 00:11:35.360 worry about it on the break. I was telling Kayla that during my whole 170 00:11:35.440 --> 00:11:39.639 life, not just with my current boss Robin Bertolucci, when I hear from 171 00:11:39.720 --> 00:11:43.000 any manager or boss a text that says, hey, can you give me 172 00:11:43.000 --> 00:11:46.799 a call? Whatever, all I think is I'm going to be fired. 173 00:11:48.240 --> 00:11:50.879 That's all I think. Sometimes I say it out loud when I get back 174 00:11:50.879 --> 00:11:54.559 to them. You know, it's really funny is that recently Robin sent me 175 00:11:54.559 --> 00:12:00.240 a text and all it said is, did you see my email of the 176 00:12:00.240 --> 00:12:03.200 exit? Remember that? Okay? Oh my god, my heart dropped. 177 00:12:03.240 --> 00:12:05.600 I saw the word of exit, and I like, what, Well, 178 00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:09.600 the exit is a potential client, right, I heard who has a website 179 00:12:09.600 --> 00:12:13.159 that helps people divorce healthfully or whatever? That's what it was called. But 180 00:12:13.799 --> 00:12:18.279 immediately I'm like, that's it. That's it. It's over. So this 181 00:12:18.320 --> 00:12:26.440 week I imagined a couple times that my boyfriend was leaving me for no reason. 182 00:12:26.440 --> 00:12:28.120 I'm like, just like if he took a little too long to get 183 00:12:28.159 --> 00:12:31.320 back to me. Well, as it turns out, there was one day 184 00:12:31.320 --> 00:12:35.799 where his location services were off, he was out of town. He didn't 185 00:12:35.840 --> 00:12:39.720 respond to my text for a couple hours. Now, you guys gotta understand, 186 00:12:41.000 --> 00:12:45.879 we've been together three years. I should have some sense of security at 187 00:12:45.919 --> 00:12:50.440 this point. Well, unbeknownst to me, he was getting a new iPhone 188 00:12:50.480 --> 00:12:52.360 at that time, and he was transferring over all his data. So one 189 00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:56.759 was off and one was on, you know, turning it in, that's 190 00:12:56.759 --> 00:13:00.480 all it was. But you know, I had two hours of worry because 191 00:13:00.960 --> 00:13:03.960 that we make up these stories. At least this time you didn't. You 192 00:13:03.159 --> 00:13:05.480 think he was dead and called the cops. So yeah, I've done that 193 00:13:05.519 --> 00:13:11.960 in the past too with boyfriends. Yes, I've called the cops. So 194 00:13:11.039 --> 00:13:13.759 there was this great article this week in the New York Times. I tried 195 00:13:13.759 --> 00:13:16.480 to get the author on as a guest, but Kayle, maybe in the 196 00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:20.799 future we can try to get him. A family therapist named Terence Real. 197 00:13:20.559 --> 00:13:24.080 He writes a lot of books about relationships. His new book is called Us 198 00:13:24.679 --> 00:13:30.720 Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, And in this 199 00:13:31.000 --> 00:13:37.960 synopsis in The New York Times, talked about this relationship sabotaging technique that people 200 00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:43.080 do all the time, and he calls it the story I'm making up or 201 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:46.960 the story I'm telling myself. Right now, I love that bren Brown did 202 00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:54.559 that toolf The story I'm telling myself is so when Julio had his phone off 203 00:13:54.600 --> 00:13:58.080 for a while, I'm like, the story I'm telling myself is he's preparing 204 00:13:58.120 --> 00:14:03.480 for the breakup all never hear from him again or whatever. Right, And 205 00:14:03.559 --> 00:14:07.279 so what happens is when you start to have that story, then you start 206 00:14:07.279 --> 00:14:13.080 to really key into it. You start to believe your own delusions, and 207 00:14:13.639 --> 00:14:18.639 you start to get defensive, critical, and you have problems obviously, right. 208 00:14:20.480 --> 00:14:24.960 So according to Terrence Real, author of us Getting Past You and Me 209 00:14:24.120 --> 00:14:31.279 to build a more loving relationship, he tells them to use something called the 210 00:14:31.480 --> 00:14:33.799 feedback wheel. I still want you to buy the book because it looks really 211 00:14:33.799 --> 00:14:37.000 good. I'm going to read it too, but I'm just gonna synopsis for 212 00:14:37.039 --> 00:14:39.399 you because we can also use these techniques. All of us can use these 213 00:14:39.440 --> 00:14:45.080 techniques. They're really great. So let's say it's time for you to express 214 00:14:45.159 --> 00:14:48.759 something having to do with your frustration. And I should say, according to 215 00:14:48.799 --> 00:14:52.759 all the research and the data out there to people who've been studying healthy marriages 216 00:14:52.799 --> 00:14:54.720 for a long time, but you don't want to dismiss problems. You don't 217 00:14:54.759 --> 00:14:58.519 want to just hope it'll go away with time or silence. They don't. 218 00:14:58.519 --> 00:15:01.279 They build up under the ground to get worse. Okay, So what you 219 00:15:01.320 --> 00:15:07.120 want to do here are his four steps. Number one is you basically describe 220 00:15:07.120 --> 00:15:11.720 in a very factual way what you heard or saw. So this is what 221 00:15:11.799 --> 00:15:16.000 I heard or saw. So if we're using the example of Julio with the 222 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:20.759 phone off, I will say I did not see any text from you for 223 00:15:20.799 --> 00:15:22.759 a few hours. Let's it. There's no judgment there, just I did 224 00:15:22.759 --> 00:15:26.720 not see this is a behavior at I didn't see anything. That's just a 225 00:15:26.720 --> 00:15:30.799 fact, right, And you say it as calmly as possible and as briefly 226 00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:35.080 as possible, and then you say, this is what I made up about 227 00:15:35.080 --> 00:15:39.360 it. I imagined that you were never ever going to text me again in 228 00:15:39.399 --> 00:15:43.799 your life and that it was over between us. So using the phrase this 229 00:15:43.879 --> 00:15:48.919 is what I made up about it, according to this therapist, is it 230 00:15:50.039 --> 00:15:54.200 lightens the load. In fact, you'll probably both laugh about it because some 231 00:15:54.240 --> 00:15:58.039 of the stuff we make up is pretty cuckoo. Okay, pretty nuts. 232 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:04.840 That's a technical term, all right. But here's the important thing, the 233 00:16:04.919 --> 00:16:08.639 facts. This is what I this is what happened, is what I experienced, 234 00:16:10.039 --> 00:16:12.440 This is what I made up about it. And number three, this 235 00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:15.960 is how I felt about it. Oh feelings, remember those. Yet you 236 00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:19.200 got to get into the insight. So my third if I were having this 237 00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:26.440 conversation with Julio would be I felt scared, I felt abandoned, I felt 238 00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:30.799 worried. Now again, at this point, you guys might be laughing your 239 00:16:30.799 --> 00:16:34.639 butts off over this, because it just will seem silly when you actually start 240 00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:40.879 to take apart those stories that you've made up. But here's the most important 241 00:16:40.919 --> 00:16:44.440 thing. And I've always said that this works too. This is the best 242 00:16:44.440 --> 00:16:48.279 advice I think I've ever heard in my life. This is what will help 243 00:16:48.320 --> 00:16:52.759 me feel better. You see, we can't assume that our partners ever, 244 00:16:52.840 --> 00:16:56.879 ever, ever can be a mind reader or should be a mind reader. 245 00:16:59.080 --> 00:17:03.320 According to Terence Real, And the book again is called where's the title of 246 00:17:03.320 --> 00:17:06.400 it? I love the title so much us. It's called us. Where's 247 00:17:06.400 --> 00:17:08.400 that subtitle? I must have turned the page on it. Of course I 248 00:17:08.440 --> 00:17:12.519 did us getting past you and me to build a more loving relationship, he 249 00:17:12.599 --> 00:17:18.319 says. I love this quote. You can't complain about not getting what you 250 00:17:18.440 --> 00:17:22.799 never asked for. Isn't that great? That is great? And there are 251 00:17:22.839 --> 00:17:25.599 people that I've heard women say, well, I shouldn't have to tell him. 252 00:17:25.640 --> 00:17:27.119 I mean, if I have to do all that work, then why 253 00:17:27.160 --> 00:17:30.839 am I in a relationship? You know what. That's the work of love, 254 00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:37.559 That's the work of a relationship, is tell them. So if in 255 00:17:37.599 --> 00:17:41.519 our fictitious conversation with Julio that I didn't have that I should have. I 256 00:17:41.559 --> 00:17:45.519 would probably say, you know, I'm sorry, I made up that silly 257 00:17:45.519 --> 00:17:49.720 story, and I'm feeling really sad and scared but a little relieved right now. 258 00:17:49.880 --> 00:17:52.559 It would help me so much if you said to me right now, 259 00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:56.119 I love you, or something right, just something, so, just whatever 260 00:17:56.160 --> 00:18:04.119 it was. So you want to shift from feeling angry and ticked off to 261 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:12.039 being vulnerable, because the power position in every relationship is vulnerability. It's being 262 00:18:12.119 --> 00:18:18.440 able to be real, authentic, and that's not weak. That's the power 263 00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:22.079 position. Anyway. I love that. This is what I saw or heard, 264 00:18:22.480 --> 00:18:26.319 this is what I made up about it, this is how I felt 265 00:18:26.359 --> 00:18:27.880 about it, and here's what I'd like you to do to help me feel 266 00:18:27.880 --> 00:18:32.440 better. So simple, we all need to do this, all right, 267 00:18:32.440 --> 00:18:34.000 when we come back. Do you have a crush on a co worker? 268 00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:38.000 Did you know three out of four people, according to one survey, have 269 00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:42.359 had a romantic relationship with somebody they work with. I've had a few in 270 00:18:42.359 --> 00:18:45.839 my life. I'll tell you when we come back. So should you tell 271 00:18:45.839 --> 00:18:49.400 them? Should you not? Should you engage in this? I've got some 272 00:18:49.960 --> 00:18:56.519 tips, tricks, rules, and also later, if you're in a tangled 273 00:18:56.559 --> 00:18:59.880 web at the office, and you want to get out of your romance. 274 00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:03.200 I've got some advice for you too. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy 275 00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:06.720 Walsh Show and kf I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeart 276 00:19:06.799 --> 00:19:11.599 radio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I AM 277 00:19:11.599 --> 00:19:18.200 sixty six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 278 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:22.359 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Kayla, have you ever had a crush at work? 279 00:19:22.680 --> 00:19:25.160 Oh? Yeah, how about this work now? No? Um, 280 00:19:25.359 --> 00:19:26.960 I try to make the mental note at I heeart to not do that because 281 00:19:27.000 --> 00:19:30.759 this is my career and there's not enough I candy to risk it. It 282 00:19:30.759 --> 00:19:34.160 gets messy. Yeah, justn' it. Yeah yeah. But it's interesting because 283 00:19:34.200 --> 00:19:37.200 you and I on the break we're talking about how many people who work here 284 00:19:37.799 --> 00:19:41.799 met their spouse here. There's a lot of married couples, and that that 285 00:19:41.960 --> 00:19:45.000 we're founded in iHeart, that's for sure. I'll tell you it's always been 286 00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:48.160 a mess for me the few times that I've had in my life. I've 287 00:19:48.200 --> 00:19:51.799 had a long life, Okay, so I've had lots of time to make 288 00:19:51.839 --> 00:19:56.400 mistakes and uh, let me tell you it's never worked out for me, 289 00:19:56.480 --> 00:19:59.799 So I regrets though, right like I ha fun, I don't regret any 290 00:19:59.799 --> 00:20:03.279 of it, No, yeah, yeah, because I wanted to. I 291 00:20:03.279 --> 00:20:07.440 should have just focused on the job. That's okay, You're right, it 292 00:20:07.480 --> 00:20:11.240 makes it exciting. So the data three and four people supposedly I have had 293 00:20:11.240 --> 00:20:15.680 a romantic relationship with someone they work with. Let's see what else I got. 294 00:20:17.559 --> 00:20:22.000 Seventy percent of people have flirted with a colleague. According to a Google 295 00:20:22.079 --> 00:20:26.480 Customer Surveys data report, eighteen percent of couples in America met at work, 296 00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:30.319 and that apparently is more than via Tinder and social media. And then let's 297 00:20:30.319 --> 00:20:37.240 stop froze frees that for a little minute. So all those dms on Instagram, 298 00:20:37.799 --> 00:20:42.440 all those matches on Tinder and everywhere else is not even adding up to 299 00:20:42.519 --> 00:20:49.000 twenty percent of marriages that work placed us. Why because those apps are get 300 00:20:49.000 --> 00:20:52.839 you caught in the trap of paradox of choice. Apps do not make money 301 00:20:52.839 --> 00:20:56.599 if you find a mate and get married. They make money by your eyeballs 302 00:20:56.640 --> 00:21:00.759 being clued there, thinking that there's a bigger bet or deal, so you 303 00:21:00.880 --> 00:21:06.519 better keep swiping right. So it's often not the best. According to one 304 00:21:06.559 --> 00:21:10.480 survey, seventy eight percent of respondents believe that you could find true love in 305 00:21:10.519 --> 00:21:18.000 the workplace, and about ninety percent of people in this study said that right 306 00:21:18.039 --> 00:21:23.319 now they feel attracted to somebody at work. I don't know, I'd have 307 00:21:23.359 --> 00:21:27.480 to think that one through. So, you know, well, that aligns 308 00:21:27.599 --> 00:21:32.200 with that idea that doctor David buss Out of the University of Texas said that 309 00:21:32.200 --> 00:21:36.000 we all keep backup mats, right, so maybe there's like some little work 310 00:21:36.039 --> 00:21:37.079 person you think, well, you know, if it didn't work out with 311 00:21:37.119 --> 00:21:40.680 my partner, maybe there'd be a backup mate there. And if you're working 312 00:21:40.720 --> 00:21:42.680 in your career, they have similar interest to you. So that's also a 313 00:21:42.759 --> 00:21:45.839 nice little spark. Well, yeah, let's talk about the psychology of why 314 00:21:45.920 --> 00:21:49.720 we fall in love at the workplace. First, of all, FaceTime time, 315 00:21:49.839 --> 00:21:53.240 you're just spending time with someone. The research says it takes about two 316 00:21:53.400 --> 00:21:59.519 hundred hours to become best friends with somebody two hundred hours, and most adults 317 00:21:59.599 --> 00:22:03.920 spend a minimum of about sixteen seventeen one hundred hours a year at the office, 318 00:22:03.359 --> 00:22:07.240 so they're likely to spend more time with their coworkers than anyone else, 319 00:22:07.799 --> 00:22:11.400 including their spouse and that's why you get affairs. Think of it. Okay, 320 00:22:11.440 --> 00:22:15.759 So let's say their at work for eight hours a day. Then they 321 00:22:15.799 --> 00:22:18.640 got drive time, they come home, they eat, they do their hobby, 322 00:22:18.640 --> 00:22:22.880 they netflix and chill whatever, they deal with the kids, whatever. 323 00:22:22.920 --> 00:22:26.240 They got four or five hours with their spouse, but eight hours with the 324 00:22:26.359 --> 00:22:33.240 coworker. Ooh, that's how affairs happen. Also, here's another interesting thing 325 00:22:33.319 --> 00:22:37.039 about coworkers. When you meet somebody on a dating site, they are putting 326 00:22:37.039 --> 00:22:41.480 on their very best behavior because they know you are judging them to be a 327 00:22:41.480 --> 00:22:45.319 potential long term mate or short term make whatever, to be a mate, 328 00:22:45.839 --> 00:22:51.359 and not at work. You can vet somebody without them even knowing. There's 329 00:22:51.400 --> 00:22:55.000 no pressure, right. You get to see how they respond to problems, 330 00:22:55.440 --> 00:22:59.400 how they act when the pressure gets hot, how they interact with other people. 331 00:22:59.440 --> 00:23:02.680 Are they so you can just sit there watching them all day long and 332 00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:06.240 go, oh, that's a good person or that's not right. Now, 333 00:23:06.279 --> 00:23:12.640 here's another psychological thing about workplace friendships. Everybody commiserates. Everybody hates their job, 334 00:23:12.680 --> 00:23:15.119 by the way, you should know that everybody does. That's how they 335 00:23:15.200 --> 00:23:19.160 bond over, you know, so that they all get around the water cooler 336 00:23:19.480 --> 00:23:23.039 and they complain about bosses, they complain about all kinds of things. Well, 337 00:23:23.480 --> 00:23:26.839 as soon as you start commiserating with somebody, you start to share personal 338 00:23:26.880 --> 00:23:30.640 information. You start to share personal information, and you start to talk about 339 00:23:30.640 --> 00:23:33.720 that over lunch or drinks after work, and before you know it, there's 340 00:23:33.759 --> 00:23:40.440 that slippery slope to emotional intimacy. Another reason why people fall in love with 341 00:23:40.440 --> 00:23:45.440 work is because it might be forbidden. Maybe your HR has a very strict 342 00:23:45.839 --> 00:23:51.319 no love, no dating policy at work. And sex researchers have long known 343 00:23:51.799 --> 00:23:56.119 that the perfect way to have hot, hot, hot sex combination is attraction 344 00:23:56.680 --> 00:24:02.079 plus obstacle. Think about it. Think about the hottest sex you ever had 345 00:24:02.079 --> 00:24:06.000 in your life. Was that? Was it intergenerational? Was it interracial? 346 00:24:06.160 --> 00:24:08.480 Was it intersocial? Somebody living on the other side of the tracks, there 347 00:24:08.519 --> 00:24:11.519 was some reason that you weren't supposed to really be doing it with this person 348 00:24:12.039 --> 00:24:17.519 made it better? It does. And another reason where you might be falling 349 00:24:17.559 --> 00:24:21.799 for people at work is because they are unavailable. Oh maybe you have a 350 00:24:21.839 --> 00:24:26.240 little anxious attachment style. I'm talking about me here, and maybe maybe you're 351 00:24:26.279 --> 00:24:30.200 always attracted to people who can't love you back. And if you're not allowed 352 00:24:30.240 --> 00:24:36.880 to have a workplace relationship, then throwing your longing there might work, all 353 00:24:36.960 --> 00:24:42.000 right. I have a few Doctor Wendy rules for dating at work in the 354 00:24:42.119 --> 00:24:48.400 post me Too era. This should go without saying, date someone on your 355 00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:51.880 same level, not a direct report. The power dynamic, if anybody has 356 00:24:51.920 --> 00:24:56.400 any control over anybody's career or paycheck is too dangerous, and it's best if 357 00:24:56.400 --> 00:25:00.720 they're not even in your department. Maybe you ran into them at a larger 358 00:25:00.039 --> 00:25:03.359 company function that makes sense, you're around the same level, they're in a 359 00:25:03.359 --> 00:25:08.759 different department, no problem. Also, I want you to ask yourself if 360 00:25:08.759 --> 00:25:14.759 the feelings that you're having are actually real or they only belong in the workplace. 361 00:25:14.920 --> 00:25:17.160 Is it just because you've been spending so much time together, Like would 362 00:25:17.160 --> 00:25:19.200 this person really work out in the real world, Like you get them out 363 00:25:19.200 --> 00:25:22.839 of the office and you're suddenly like they don't fit in with white people. 364 00:25:22.000 --> 00:25:26.519 Usually the answers no, yeah, right, it is. And from the 365 00:25:26.519 --> 00:25:30.519 beginning, I want you to think about the consequences of a breakup, because 366 00:25:30.559 --> 00:25:36.759 workplace relationships are never the problem. Workplace breakups are the problem. Also, 367 00:25:37.319 --> 00:25:41.480 find out if your workplace has a romance policy and you might need to ask 368 00:25:41.640 --> 00:25:48.519 human resources if necessary. Many employers are getting people to sign what's called a 369 00:25:48.640 --> 00:25:52.559 love contract to try to make sure that they don't get in trouble for things, 370 00:25:52.559 --> 00:25:56.200 and that might include a love contract might say things like you state that 371 00:25:56.240 --> 00:26:03.079 the relationships voluntary and consensual, that you both parties have read and know and 372 00:26:03.200 --> 00:26:08.119 understand the company's policy on has harassment and discrimination, That both parties are free 373 00:26:08.119 --> 00:26:11.599 to leave the relationship at any time. You know, lawyers wrote these. 374 00:26:11.640 --> 00:26:15.400 These are not like wedding vows. This is what a lawyer wrote. That 375 00:26:15.519 --> 00:26:21.640 the parties will keep their workplace interactions professional. Yeah, we don't need cuddle 376 00:26:21.680 --> 00:26:26.279 bunnies at the office, right, And that you will inform your employer if 377 00:26:26.319 --> 00:26:30.119 the relationship ends. Yeah, a lot of companies are making you sign contracts 378 00:26:30.160 --> 00:26:33.640 like that these days. I know it's not romantic, is it, kayas 379 00:26:33.640 --> 00:26:37.160 like crunching up her face like yeack, yeah, and that on one my 380 00:26:37.279 --> 00:26:40.960 employers involved in my love life. That's weird. Yeah, But they're getting 381 00:26:40.960 --> 00:26:42.559 sued so much. That makes that workplaces, so they've got to protect them 382 00:26:42.599 --> 00:26:45.640 at their bottom line. All right, when we come back, maybe you're 383 00:26:45.680 --> 00:26:51.400 already in a workplace relationship and maybe you're like, oh my goodness, I 384 00:26:51.440 --> 00:26:52.680 want to get out of this, But how do you get out of it 385 00:26:52.759 --> 00:26:56.200 when you're working with the person all day every day. I've got some tips 386 00:26:56.200 --> 00:27:00.440 for you when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh 387 00:27:00.440 --> 00:27:03.319 showing kf I AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio apunue. 388 00:27:03.400 --> 00:27:10.200 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I AM sixty kf I 389 00:27:10.359 --> 00:27:12.839 AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 390 00:27:12.920 --> 00:27:21.519 Doctor Wendy Wealsh Show talking about workplace love, workplace relationships. You know, 391 00:27:21.960 --> 00:27:30.319 there are some workplace relationships that I would call completely forbidden fruit. And that's 392 00:27:30.359 --> 00:27:37.160 if the power dynamic is just too great. Dating the boss d We had 393 00:27:37.200 --> 00:27:38.599 a call once a few months ago, Kayla, I don't remember. A 394 00:27:38.640 --> 00:27:42.960 listener called in and he was saying that he's having a relationship with his boss, 395 00:27:44.039 --> 00:27:48.039 a woman, and she's making his life miserable for some reason, and 396 00:27:48.200 --> 00:27:51.240 he feels he can't break up with her now. And it was just a 397 00:27:51.319 --> 00:27:55.839 tangled rough Yeah, it was not good. So again, if the power 398 00:27:55.960 --> 00:28:00.359 dynamic is too wide, you shouldn't be dating bosses underlings, it's not good. 399 00:28:00.880 --> 00:28:06.839 And also a married co worker. You know. I'm gonna tell you 400 00:28:06.880 --> 00:28:10.400 a story my first job. When my first job was at the Ponderosa Steakhouse 401 00:28:10.440 --> 00:28:14.880 in Belle's Corners. Anyway, I was fourteen. I made I think it 402 00:28:14.960 --> 00:28:18.799 was two dollars and ten cents an hour as a bus girl. And then 403 00:28:18.359 --> 00:28:22.759 I got an upgrade. I got a job at the Canadian Tire, which, 404 00:28:22.799 --> 00:28:25.519 folks, is like the Pep Boys. It's basically a big automotive store 405 00:28:25.559 --> 00:28:27.160 but giant, but a kind of hardware store, and where I learned that 406 00:28:27.160 --> 00:28:30.799 people buy too much cocking. I don't know what it is. They'd buy 407 00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:33.160 tubes and tubes and two. I'd be like, dad, I'm a cashier. 408 00:28:33.480 --> 00:28:37.960 I rang in like four hundred things of cocking today. What do people 409 00:28:37.079 --> 00:28:40.079 use it for? Well, now I know, and I'm very good at 410 00:28:40.119 --> 00:28:42.960 cocking. Anyway, So I was up in the break room. I was 411 00:28:44.079 --> 00:28:47.880 fifteen years old. I'm making two dollars and thirty seven cents an hour or 412 00:28:47.920 --> 00:28:52.599 something, and this dude walks in, who's like old. He must have 413 00:28:52.640 --> 00:28:56.839 been like thirty two, like old when you're fifteen, that's like grandfather. 414 00:28:56.000 --> 00:29:00.160 Right, maybe it was thirty three and totally married to only married, and 415 00:29:00.319 --> 00:29:06.640 he started really hardcore flirting with me and wanting to take me out to lungement 416 00:29:06.720 --> 00:29:08.599 in the break room from the break rooming one. And I was just shocked 417 00:29:08.599 --> 00:29:11.839 because I was just in my parents nest. I was a baby, I 418 00:29:11.960 --> 00:29:15.559 was a virgin. I was a baby, and then here's this like grown 419 00:29:15.640 --> 00:29:21.319 man flirting with me and married. I didn't. I was just being kind 420 00:29:21.359 --> 00:29:22.480 of like, I felt uncomfortable. But at the time, you know, 421 00:29:22.559 --> 00:29:26.799 girl didn't have voices back then. But you know, that was just weird. 422 00:29:26.279 --> 00:29:30.000 So don't do it with a married that's so weird. And then I 423 00:29:30.119 --> 00:29:33.319 can see how girls fall for it all the time though, the charm and 424 00:29:33.519 --> 00:29:37.240 itself, especially if the dude has power because of patriarchy. Oh yeah, 425 00:29:37.319 --> 00:29:41.480 remember what the Barbie movie says. A lot of girls are brainwashed by patriarchy. 426 00:29:41.759 --> 00:29:45.160 All those kids out there are manipulating them anyway. So just don't do 427 00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:48.799 it with a married co worker, and don't express your feelings. Don't bring 428 00:29:48.839 --> 00:29:52.480 it up because it's leading them on to say, well, you know, 429 00:29:52.519 --> 00:29:55.119 we shouldn't be in the same room together because I have feelings for you. 430 00:29:55.680 --> 00:29:57.440 That's flirting. They're they're gonna turn it up. They're gonna try to turn 431 00:29:57.480 --> 00:30:02.880 it up. You should privately acknowledge your own little feelings and then go distract 432 00:30:02.960 --> 00:30:07.799 yourself. Distract yourself with a romantic potential of somebody who's not a colleague. 433 00:30:07.000 --> 00:30:11.079 All right, let's say you are already tangled in a workplace romance and you 434 00:30:11.160 --> 00:30:15.000 want to get out of it. First of all, do not waste any 435 00:30:15.079 --> 00:30:18.839 time. It's not going to just you. See, everyone has this dream 436 00:30:18.319 --> 00:30:22.880 that the relationship will just wean away. It will just slowly die. If 437 00:30:22.920 --> 00:30:29.000 you just call them less, text them less, be less available, it'll 438 00:30:29.079 --> 00:30:33.279 just gently go away. Kayla, has that ever happened to you in your 439 00:30:33.319 --> 00:30:37.279 life? No? No, no, it gets angry. One person gets 440 00:30:37.359 --> 00:30:40.319 mad, and the more you think you could just wean them off, the 441 00:30:40.559 --> 00:30:45.440 angrier they will. Yet, so do not waste time. As soon as 442 00:30:45.480 --> 00:30:48.119 you sense that the ship is sinking, then you need to have the conversation. 443 00:30:48.559 --> 00:30:52.160 And where do you have the break up? Not at the office, 444 00:30:52.559 --> 00:30:56.079 thank you very much, Find a neutral place nowhere during business hours. I 445 00:30:56.160 --> 00:31:00.640 assume if you're in a relationship, you're together somewhere outside of the I mean 446 00:31:00.680 --> 00:31:06.000 I hope you're not consummating things at the office, although some people have done 447 00:31:06.039 --> 00:31:11.200 that. That's a fantasy somewhere. Yeah, I know somebody shall go unnamed 448 00:31:11.519 --> 00:31:17.400 who recently witnesses working at an ice cream shop recently opened the freezer and saw 449 00:31:17.519 --> 00:31:25.240 two co workers like, Okay, how do you do it in the freezer? 450 00:31:25.559 --> 00:31:29.599 You make it? Hat? Oh you melt the ice cream. Yeah. 451 00:31:29.960 --> 00:31:34.119 Anyway, So pick a neutral spot off campus and just be very clear, 452 00:31:34.319 --> 00:31:40.519 now, be compassionate. You know, here's the problem. If you're 453 00:31:40.599 --> 00:31:45.240 breaking up from like a normal relationship, you switch coffee shops, you switch 454 00:31:45.319 --> 00:31:48.359 dry cleaners, you switch grocery stores, you defriend them and follow them, 455 00:31:48.640 --> 00:31:52.880 you know, you block them, you just go somewhere else. You can't 456 00:31:52.920 --> 00:31:55.559 do that if you're going to see them at the office every single day. 457 00:31:56.119 --> 00:32:00.519 So you have to know that this is going to take way more more time 458 00:32:00.920 --> 00:32:05.680 than the average breakup, okay, which means that they are going to come 459 00:32:05.720 --> 00:32:08.200 back often and want to hash it out again. Like you know, Okay, 460 00:32:08.279 --> 00:32:15.079 So when you've gone through a normal breakup and you're feeling sad and you're 461 00:32:15.119 --> 00:32:16.960 out, Let's say we're out with our girlfriends and we're drinking whatever, and 462 00:32:17.000 --> 00:32:21.119 they're like, no, don't drunk text damn, don't do it, and 463 00:32:21.200 --> 00:32:22.240 you're just like, yeah, but I want to know about that night that 464 00:32:22.319 --> 00:32:28.720 we were doing and what happened. Then like we're like overprocessing everything I've actually 465 00:32:28.759 --> 00:32:31.119 had And don't blame this women on this. I've actually had ex boyfriend guys 466 00:32:31.400 --> 00:32:34.839 who call me like, you know, two months later, going, can 467 00:32:34.920 --> 00:32:37.920 you tell me about that timing? What was really happening there? Right? 468 00:32:37.440 --> 00:32:44.759 And the problem is when you're seeing the person every day, you don't get 469 00:32:44.839 --> 00:32:51.319 the luxury of completely you know, blocking them and going no contact. You 470 00:32:51.440 --> 00:32:53.960 have to still have contact, so they're gonna want to hash it out. 471 00:32:54.359 --> 00:32:59.319 And again, you can't just shut them down. You got to allow them 472 00:32:59.400 --> 00:33:01.400 that space. Kind of good in a way, everyone gets to process their 473 00:33:01.440 --> 00:33:06.440 feelings right now. You should also avoid them at the office. That's one 474 00:33:06.519 --> 00:33:08.680 hundred percent sure, Like, try as hard as you can to go no 475 00:33:08.839 --> 00:33:13.440 contact. But if you're actually working together and you're on projects together and you've 476 00:33:13.440 --> 00:33:16.759 got to be in meetings together, oh you know who, it's most uncomfortable 477 00:33:16.839 --> 00:33:22.480 for everybody else in the room because they all know what's going on, even 478 00:33:22.519 --> 00:33:25.000 if you haven't told them everything. Changed from where you sit to where your 479 00:33:25.039 --> 00:33:30.000 eye contact is, and everybody knows, and it just makes everybody feel uncomfortable. 480 00:33:30.519 --> 00:33:35.200 So just know it's going to take a long time for closure to happen, 481 00:33:35.680 --> 00:33:37.400 and both of you might have to go and hash it out a few 482 00:33:37.480 --> 00:33:43.759 different times. But here's your job. Just hold your head high and don't 483 00:33:43.799 --> 00:33:49.519 lose it right, have composure. What you want to do is conduct yourself 484 00:33:49.640 --> 00:33:53.680 with class, with dignity. You know, the rest of them can gossip 485 00:33:53.759 --> 00:33:58.960 about you, guys. Your other person can be in the bathroom crying about 486 00:33:59.000 --> 00:34:04.000 what happened. Don't get into it. Okay, you take the high road 487 00:34:04.519 --> 00:34:10.039 and go into total professional mode. Now, as a very last resort, 488 00:34:10.480 --> 00:34:14.679 you might have to go to HR. When I was young, I had 489 00:34:14.880 --> 00:34:17.199 a girlfriend and she was having a relationship with someone at the office, and 490 00:34:19.440 --> 00:34:22.960 when they broke up, he got weird and stalkish and at the office no 491 00:34:23.079 --> 00:34:27.760 less, you know, like just hovering like Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton when 492 00:34:27.800 --> 00:34:30.239 she was talking, just sort of there in the background, hovering, and 493 00:34:30.239 --> 00:34:34.840 it just felt so uncomfortable. So she had to go to HR and they 494 00:34:34.920 --> 00:34:37.679 actually moved her to a whole other floor. You know, they know how 495 00:34:37.719 --> 00:34:40.719 to do these things, but that's kind of a last resort. I'm all 496 00:34:40.760 --> 00:34:45.360 about keep your head high. You know. When we come back, I 497 00:34:45.480 --> 00:34:49.199 want to talk a little bit about something that social media and the internet is 498 00:34:49.320 --> 00:34:54.360 a twitter about trauma bonds. Oh boy, people love the term trauma bonds. 499 00:34:55.599 --> 00:35:00.280 Let me come back. Let's talk about if your relationship might need a 500 00:35:00.519 --> 00:35:07.320 trauma therapist or whether you're just pulling words from the Internet. You are listening 501 00:35:07.400 --> 00:35:10.239 to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere 502 00:35:10.320 --> 00:35:15.559 on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walls. You can 503 00:35:15.599 --> 00:35:20.119 always hear us live on kf I am six forty from seven to nine pm 504 00:35:20.199 --> 00:35:23.000 on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.