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Hi, welcome back to Parenting Beyond
the Headlines. We're really happy to have

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you with us here today. I
am Amy Alamar and I'm joined by my

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friend and colleague, Sarah Cody.
Sarah, how's it going. It's going

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good. I went to a function
for the first time in a year and

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a half last night and we were
with people there. It was a tent,

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the flaps were open, there weren't
a lot of masks going on.

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Everyone was hopefully vaccinated like me,
and I gotta say, Amy, it

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felt good to have that bit of
more we'll see. Yeah, and there's

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a little bit of a jumping off
the ledge right, like you kind of

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have to just do that one event
to get get your feet wet and jump

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all the way at the same time. Yeah, it felt okay. But

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we're actually not talking about the pandemic
today on Parenting on the Headlines because maybe

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the first time we haven't had a
pandemic related topic in a year and a

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half. Yeah, But we have
a very interesting guest that we are welcoming

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on here today. His name is
Oleg Loheed. How did I do Oleg?

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That sound right? Correct? All
right? He is an inspirational speaker

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he is launching some online programs that
we want to hear all about. He

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was an orphan and has an interesting, interesting journey and things to share with

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us about adoption and trauma and you
know, the unique journeys that we're all

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on. And it's sure to be
a really interesting twenty minutes to a half

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hour. Thanks so much for joining
us. We really appreciate it. Now,

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thank you, Thank you for having
me on. And as I was

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telling Amy before we hit record button, thank you for doing all you do

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because I think, in my opinion, spaces like this are rare to find,

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and in finding other individuals like yourself, it just brings joy into my

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life and helps me and understand that
I'm not the only one that's doing what

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it is that I'm doing. Yeah, that's nice. So like, thank

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you. Such a big question that
I'm going to launch off with here.

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But you know, tell us your
history. Where does this life story begin?

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It's it's overseas, correct, correct. The life story begins in a

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relatively small town. I keep calling
it small, but it's relatively big.

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It's well over a million people,
and it's the reason why I call it

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small. For those that are aware
with that part of the world. The

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name of the town that's called Chubarkul. It is in the direction of Kazakhstan

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in Russia. And the reason why
I call it small is because, based

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on all the memories that I can
recall from my childhood days, I was

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able to go from one end of
town to the other in fifteen to twenty

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minutes. Now, I don't know
if that's a common experience or maybe that

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is just a false memory that I
have that it actually took me fifteen to

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twenty minutes. Maybe the realities that
it took me hours upon hours to get

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through it. But that is the
town I was born in, and as

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the two of you are familiar with
whereof but maybe not a lot of the

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listeners, I was born into a
very difficult set of circumstances from a very

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young age, and that I was
born to a household where my mom was

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an alcoholic, my father was in
prison, and my sister, who was

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eighteen years older and still is actually
ended up becoming my legal guardian. For

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those that are listening and might be
able to relate to aspects of that story

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and the challenges that such circumstances present. One of the challenging challenges that I

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was presented with was in living under
a roof with essentially my mom and my

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sister for relatively short period of time. At the beginning, the biggest thing

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that I was trying to accomplish was
I was trying to bring them back together.

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I was trying to do everything in
my control, so to speak,

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to maintain that family unit as one
instead of having them separate their own ways

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and fall into their own paths of
resentment, regret and all these other time

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topics, and ultimately, what I've
realized along that journey for nine years,

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or at least until I was nine, that is all I was doing.

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I was trying to bring them back
together. I was trying to spend time

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with my mom, with my sister, convinced either one of them, and

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really create a space. And I
don't know how I knew this at that

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particular age to begin with, but
I was really trying to communicate this message

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and the importance of a space where
you can put your problems behind you,

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or whatever your problem is with that
other individual is just put it aside,

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because at the end of the day, you don't know how much longer you

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have nor how much longer the other
person has, so I think from that

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very on age I was able to
have that perspective, and then moving forward,

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as the two of you hinted towards
a little bit before we hit the

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record button, was the adoption.
So really my first twelve years were extremely

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challenging because I had to give up
the whole concept of what it meant to

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be a child and learn relatively quickly
what it meant to be an adult.

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But at the same time, as
I look at that entire journey and reflect

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upon all the experiences, I wouldn't
change a single thing. I wouldn't change

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a single thing about it because it
is all of those things that make up

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who I am today. And also, like your sister, had to grow

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up fast as well in becoming a
guardian, yes, and that is a

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journey that I'm yet to explore.
I haven't fully understood what that meant for

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her to become a role of a
mom at that particular age. I also

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don't know if she wanted to have
kids in her life and what really surprise

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that brought in her. So I
think the more that I think about that

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journey, what really stands out to
me is that there's so many different stories

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within that larger picture. That's why
I in answering the question of what is

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your story? For me, it's
one of the most complexes. It's one

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of the most complex questions to ever
answer, because what is the story?

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Is it the story about the past? Is it the story about a specific

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segment? And then in a case
of my experiences, there's so many different

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things that happened within that and one
event didn't necessarily lead to the next one.

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Well, tell us, and so
how did the adoption come to fruition?

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Was that instigated by your mother or
sister or some other factors. So

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that actually started with me. And
that was a decision that I made when

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I was nine years old. And
what I decided to do is I decided

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to relinquish my parents' rights. I
decided to give up my parents' rights because

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I felt intuitively that the better decision
for me and my life moving forward was

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to go into an orphanage. I
went into an orphanage as a nine year

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old kid. Now you also have
to understand that I didn't fully understand what

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that was going to be like.
I remember having a conversation with the social

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worker and she was telling me everything
about that life, the friends, I'm

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going to have my own toys,
my own bed, roof over my head,

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food on the table. Essentially,
it was music to my ears.

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It was everything that I needed to
hear at that particular moment. But what

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I didn't understand, and the only
way that I found this out was through

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experience, was that in going into
that orphanage, I didn't understand the fact

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that a I would only be able
to see my friends and family during visitation

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hours. There was no concept of
walking through the door and going to see

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them on my own terms whenever I
wanted to. There was only a specific

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time each day where I could see
them, and even those visitations, I

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felt that they couldn't be authentic,
they couldn't be organic. The reason why

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I say that is because the room
was located directly from the director's room,

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so I didn't feel comfortable actually telling
my mom, my, sister, whoever

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else that came to visit me what
was actually happening, how I was actually

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treated. So that's an enormous decision
to make a nine year olds. Were

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things just so bad that you felt
that it was the right choice, and

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did your family push back on that
and was it ever a choice. I

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guess that you regretted. You are
right, it was a big decision to

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make. My family did push back
on it, and my sister pushed back

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on it. That's the only memory
I can recall. She had asked me

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multiple times whether or not that is
something that I wanted to do and go

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into, and I kept saying yes, and to answer your other questions.

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Things were that bad. I remember
and still do memory of just very graphic

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scenes people getting beat up. I
have this story. I don't know what

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the age range of your listeners are
on the show, but I have the

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story of my mom losing half of
a year in just a scuffle, and

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I was there. I was standing
in the hallway and observed the whole thing

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happened. So what I realized was
that it was one traumatic experience after another

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and there was no end. And
so I figured that, well, what

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other way could I possibly disrupt the
trajectory of my life? And making that

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decision was the next obvious one.
And once again I didn't know the consequences,

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didn't know what the life at the
orphanage was going to be like.

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I couldn't even conceptualize what an orphanage
was. I saw the surrounding. I

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didn't have any friends who are orphans. All of my friends at the time

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had families, and I wasn't at
an age where I could open up to

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some of my friends and say,
Hey, this is what's happening in my

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household, what's happening in yours?
That you know years is a very overseas

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and it's a very sort of extreme
circumstance, but we hear that a lot.

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It's hard when kids have difficult things
going on and they feel alone,

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they feel like they can't I recently
interviewed a man who had escaped a domestic

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abuse situation as a child with his
mother and they were sent to like a

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safe house shelter, and he felt
so isolated at school because he couldn't tell

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anyone where he lived or what he
was going through. So I can understand

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that. So you were in the
orphanage for about three years. Was it

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a terrible three years or did you
learn to grow and adapt? And was

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it better than being in a traumatic
situation. It was a challenging three years.

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I think learning to grow and adapt
was my only option. There really

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was no other way to do it, but that through those three years,

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what actually ended up happening was that
I had created an opportunity, or maybe

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an opportunity was created for me,
who knows, and that opportunity was to

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be able to be a part of
a folk singing group what it was.

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And I didn't even know this was
a talent of mine until I was put

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in the middle of this classroom and
I was asked to sing. And then

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what I noticed was the music teacher
at the time, what she would do

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is she would actually compose music and
she would accompany me in playing the piano

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or some of these other instruments.
So within about a year, and this

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happened during my first year of living
there, I had realized that not only

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did I have a hidden skill of
mine, but this is something that I

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could actually capitalize on. And I
think my music teacher had noticed the same

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exact thing, and so what she
started to do from that point on is

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she would put us into situations where
I was able to act upon that skill.

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So we went to competitions amongst other
schools and other orphanages. I shared

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this story quite often to me.
I was feeling like I was winning a

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million bucks when the reality is I
was winning a flip camera or a bicycle,

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but those were the first realizations where
I truly felt valued. Yeah,

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I'm gonna say, you were winning
a lot more than just a flip camera

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winning. Yeah. Yeah, my
sense of self worth. I realized that

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in those moments was becoming drastically higher
than it was before. My own concepts

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of what I could be capable of
in life increased, and ultimately what ended

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up happening. The ultimate gift I
believe of that particular experience was we were

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put on the radar of an adoption
agency in an urban Michigan that ended up

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contacting that orphanage along with a handful
of others in the area. In essentially

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said, if you guys can put
together a group of kids, will fly

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you here. You'll perform in front
of future adoptive families at some of the

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local churches, and so we ended
up coming here for two weeks. I

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didn't speak English, I didn't know
anything about this part of the world besides

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the name Michael Jordan true story,
and yet I was eager to learn and

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possibly find a new way, possibly
find a new family. Oleg shared a

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recording of one of his performances as
a child. But so in coming here

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for the two weeks, I think
about it now and I can't help but

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think about how much of a culture
shock it was in just an absolute blur

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because it was a completely different culture. I didn't know how to speak the

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language. I barely knew the parent, the people that I was staying with

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which would later become my family.
And then on top of that you add

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school, which was a completely different
concept. How schools were set up or

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probably are set up in ann Arbor, at least this middle school. Compared

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to my middle school, there was
no similarity. Everything was an open space.

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Imagine it's almost as if you were
walking into a furniture store and you

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know how there's just big opening couches
everywhere. There's really no sense of direction.

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It was like that in Russia.
The schools were completely different. In

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Russia, you had desks, and
one desk would proceed another and another,

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and if you had to go to
the bathroom you had to raise your hand.

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If you spoke out a turn,
you often saw a ruler that went

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across your desk or across your butt, whatever it was. So there was

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very different way of disciplining the students
within that space. And when I came

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into this system during the two weeks, I didn't even know what to say.

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Teachers, you were only able you
were calling them by first name.

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In Russia you had to say professor
X, Y, and Z. So

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you have such a compelling story,
unique story. How are you sharing it

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now? And in what way are
you sharing it? And why are you

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sharing it? Are you doing this
to help others? It's a good question.

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So about four years ago, maybe
even longer than that, I had

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come to a set of questions that
I could only face on my own,

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And that is the very first internal
question that I was faced with was why

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me? Why was I the one
that was meant to go through all these

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challenges in life? And what can
I ultimately learn from them? It took

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me many, many years to realize
the answer to that question didn't have to

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be as complex as I made it
to be. See, living in the

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States, I thought that that answer
would have to come in this blockbuster gesture,

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when the reality of it was that
I think it was always as simple

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as it had to be, And
that is, if not you, then

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who else. When I had realized
that about my own journey, four years

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ago. That's when I started to
create a space for other people. Initially,

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I wanted to create a space for
people of similar experiences, so those

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who are adopted have been part of
the foster care system. Then I expanded

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that to parents because I realized that
at the end of the day, they

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were much more similar than they were
different. And now it's really a space

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for anyone who has been through some
form of adversity in their lives and is

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looking for a place to be valid, to be heard, to be appreciated.

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So that's what I started to do
with overcoming odds. And to answer

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your last question, why am I
doing this and do I really want to

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help other people? The answer to
that question is yes, And here's why.

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When I look back at my journey
and a number of times where people

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chose to help me, even when
I wasn't even asking for help, I

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realized what a difference it had made
when one other person was able to see

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me for who I was, and
what a difference it had made when that

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person chose to create a space for
me to be able to better understand myself

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in being adopted and going through all
the adversities prior as well as after the

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adoption took place, it was a
difficult journey to be able to really understand

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who am I and why am I
here? Someone had said this, however,

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long ago, I had come across
this quote that I'll share with the

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two of you as well as your
listeners. There are two very important days

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in life. First days when you
were born, and a second day is

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when you figure out why you were
born. In figuring out why I was

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born, I couldn't have done it
if it wasn't for the help of other

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people. So for me, choosing
to go back is almost like an obligation.

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And that's why I choose to help
others. Oh, Like, you

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talked with us before we started to
record about gratitude, and we know from

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other podcasts we've done the importance of
gratitude in developing empathy and a sense of

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belonging and connectedness. And I'd love
for you to talk a little bit about

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what you've learned through your own gratitude. For me, gratitude shifted my life

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in many different ways. Here's why
for many many years I went through life

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not appreciating many of the things that
I experienced on a daily basis. I

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think one of the reasons why is
because I got used to it. When

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you do something repetitively from one day
to another, it loses its meaning unless

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you choose to look at it in
a different way. One of those groups,

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or one of those people, for
me that not necessarily lost her meaning,

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but I definitely took them for granted, was my parents. I took

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my parents for granted for many years
because I was living with this concept that

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because they were there yesterday and they're
here today, they will probably be here

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tomorrow. So therefore, whatever conversations
I was wanting to have with them,

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I kept putting them off till tomorrow. I kept waiting for that tomorrow to

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come. The challenge of the tomorrow
is that it's a never ending story.

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At least that's what my experience has
taught me. See for years, I

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would say, I'll do it tomorrow. The problem is that after a while,

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tomorrow turns into literally tomorrow, then
it turns into next week, then

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it turns into next year, and
then it turns into something that I don't

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choose to do at all because it's
been so long. My parents, I

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think we're in a similar position in
my life. I would put off some

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of these conversations, I didn't fully
appreciate the gifts that they had passed on

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to me. And then it was
through reflection and really asking myself the question

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of well, what did they give
me? What did they help me see

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differently than I haven't seen before,
that I was able to uncover a lot

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of these things. So when I
think about gratitude and I think about the

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impact it has had in my relationship
with them, it has deepened my relationship

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with them. It helped me see
them with people before any particular roles,

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whether it's a mother or a father, or a brother or sister or any

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of these other titles. And so
in seeing them as people, I've been

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able to understand them even more than
I was able to understand them before.

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Well, you came together in a
unique way at a unique time. There

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were language barriers, I imagine,
I mean it was it was a lot

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to talk about some of the adoption
issues we hit on when we had our

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prediscussion. There are myths out there
about people adopting, you know, a

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twelve year old, of even a
fourteen year old to fifteen year old thinking

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that they're coming with too much and
that you know, what I mean,

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it's going to be difficult to bond
and difficult to get over those things.

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What is your take on that,
first of all? And I also thought

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that it was really interesting when you
said, you know, being adopted by

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an nice family isn't the end of
your issues. It doesn't solve all trauma.

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I doesn't solve all the things that
you went through, So comment on

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both of those things for me.
For me, one of the first things

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that I had to work through was
the language barrier. In fact, how

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I started that journey was I started
with one of those phonetic alphabets. So

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I don't know if the two of
you have come across this, but it's

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one of those alphabets where you pick
up a letter and it says a apple,

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B banana, and so you do
that a thousand, well over a

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thousand times in order to just remember
the letters. Then I had to move

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on to the words, and then
I had to move on to them,

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which I believe is the most complex
part about the English language, and that's

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actually forming sentences. I'll never forget
the time when I was in middle school,

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sixth or seventh grade. One of
the first times I was asked to

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write a paper two to three to
four page paper. I don't remember this

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subject, so please don't ask me
that question. But I remember turning in

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that paper, and afterwards, when
I would receive it back, all I

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would see was red ink, which
I believe is a universal sign for there's

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some work to do. So I
would receive this paper and I would see

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red ink everywhere in constant comments,
run on sentence, incomplete, and I

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didn't fully understand what those things meant. I also think that at that particular

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time, in just the speed of
education in the United States, very rarely

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would I find opportunities to sit down
with the teacher one on one and ask

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them the question of what is a
run on sentence? What is an incomplete

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sentence? How do I restructure my
current sentences to make them complete? That

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time wasn't available oftentimes. In fact, the ongoing joke that I make about

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my own education that I experienced was
when I came here and I entered sixth

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grade. I don't believe I was
actually in six I believe that I was

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preparing for eighth grade. When I
went into high school, I was already

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being asked, what college do you
want to go to? When I went

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into college, I was being asked
the ultimate question of life, what do

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you want to do for a living? So everything is accelerated, which only

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added additional barriers to my own learning, because here I am not only trying

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to learn a language, but I'm
also trying to learn how to make friends,

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how to establish my own family relationship
with parents whom I've shared a household

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with for weeks, maybe months leading
up to that point. So all of

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those things were huge complexities for me
to work through on top of the accelerated

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curriculum that I was being put through
a lot. Yeah, so there were

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those were the major barriers that I
had to work through. If I were

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to not necessarily go back but reflect
upon that time and ask myself the question

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of can everyone do what I did? I don't know, and I think

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I would be lying if I were
to say yes. The reason why I

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say that is because I believe every
one of us is wired in our own

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unique ways. Some people have more
resilience than others, Some people have different

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level of resilience than others. So
when I think about all of this and

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I think about my own journey of
what I've been able to accomplish to this

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point, I think I was very
fortunate to have had the hardships and the

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challenges that I did leading up to
the adoption, which probably prepared me in

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the way. But at the same
time, I think there's just a lot

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that I don't know about why the
things worked out the way that they did.

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Talk a little bit about overcoming odds. You mentioned it briefly in one

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of your answers a few minutes ago. But what space is that and how

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does it bring people together? So
how I understand this space today is Overcoming

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odds is about creating a space for
other people to demonstrate their strengths and uniqueness

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to the world. The reason why
it is titled overcoming odds is because when

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I was looking at my life four
to five years ago and reflecting upon all

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the experiences, what I begin to
realize was that the common theme within my

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life was about overcoming the odds,
or overcoming the obstacles ahead of me,

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and I think, in my opinion
to this point it still is. I

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don't think the obstacles ever leave,
and part of that journey. What I

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also begin to realize was that it
doesn't make sense for me to try and

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eliminate these things out of my life. For example, in my opinion,

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I don't believe it's ever possible to
eliminate stress, anger, depression, whatever

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it is. If anything, what
is possible is to get to the next

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layer of it, to have a
transformed from what it used to be to

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where it could be. So that's
what I really tried to do with this

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organization, is to create a space
where people feel appreciated, feel valued,

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but most importantly know that it's possible
to live a different life. It's possible

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to experience a different set of circumstances
compared to the one that they were born

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into. And how do people connect
through overcoming odds? Is it a virtual

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space? Is that something you sign
up for? How does it work?

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Primarily it's virtual, and that is
people can join us through either the podcast,

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the virtual seminars events that we host. We've started a weekly series called

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Survived to Thrive Attitude of Gratitude,
and what it is is a weekly conversation

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every single Friday that people can join
through LinkedIn or Facebook and we'll oftentimes explore

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a topic that relates to the gratitude. So, for example, today we

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did the topic of appreciation and the
connection between appreciation and gratitude in one's life.

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Outside of that, we host a
call every Saturday called Courageous Conversations where

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people can join in and do a
similar thing. And that's explore a deeper

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topic at hand, but that's really
what it is at the core, is

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being able to create the space where
you can have a conversation that you might

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not be able to do so,
whether that's in your household, with your

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friends, your colleagues, and feel
that there are other people within this space

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and community who you might be able
to relate to and connect with. So

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leave us as we're winding down here, leave us with You know, a

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lot of us have been through trauma
and it can be overwhelming. There can

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be days that you wake up and
it feels hard to wrap your arms around

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it when you've had those moments,
and somebody out there listening might be having

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those moments. What do you do
to get through? And I know that's

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a huge question that you know in
an answer, is it gratitude, is

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it perseverance, is it hope?
You know what in those dark times?

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What got you to the next place? For me, one of the answers

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that I'll focus on is learning from
it, and what I mean by that

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is creating an opportunity from that adversity. The questions that I ask myself whenever

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I am faced with adverse circumstances is
first, what am I here to learn?

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What are these circumstances here to teach
me? And what am I able

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to see differently because of them?
Now, once again, this is a

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one sentence answer that I gave to
you. That took me eight to ten

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years to learn. And there are
still situations where I get sucked into the

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circumstances, but pulling myself out through
these three questions has been truly transformational because

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what it has given me the ability
to do is an opportunity to look at

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all of these events and circumstances as
learning opportunities. And that is what I

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ultimately do believe about life, is
that every single one of the experiences most

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likely has an equal or a greater
benefit, and that is an opportunity to

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learn, an opportunity to see things
in a different lens and ultimately grow from

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it. So those are the things
that I fall back on whenever I am

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experienced challenging circumstances in my life.
Outside of that, there are plenty of

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other topics that we can discuss,
but they will be substantially length there conversations

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other times just to do more podcast. I found this fascinating. Thank you

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so much for your candor and your
bravery. It's really an incredible story.

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Thank you. Thank you for people
find you online Oleg they can connect with

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me personally LinkedIn or Facebook, and
outside of that, organization related accounts would

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be just simply searching overcoming odds across
any of the platforms. Wonderful. Thank

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you so much for joining us,
and thank you listener for being with us

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as well. We're so grateful to
have you as part of our community.

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We'll hope you'll find us on the
interwebs. I'm at Amy Alamar and we've

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got Sarah Cody Media and we would
love your input and feedback on what topics

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you want to talk about, Subscribe, rate and review. We are here

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for you. We would love to, like Amy said, here's some topics

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from you, pursue what you're interested
in, and again we appreciate your time

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and we will talk with you again. Take care of everyone,