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W four WN Radio. Hello, and welcome to Fearless Fabulous You. I
am your host, Melanie Young. You're listening live today on the Women for
Women Network. That's w FOURWN dot com, where I broadcast live every Wednesday
at twelve noon Eastern Standard time, and all my shows are permently podcasts on
more than thirty podcast platforms. You can listen anytime anywhere. I suggest iHeartRadio,
Spotify and Apple Podcasts because they're three the biggest. My goal is always
to help women make informed choices about their health and well being and their life,
and we all face struggles at times and challenges as well as what I
call opportunities. Today's show is going to address in a very sensitive way the
topic of mental health. It's a topic I don't like to really address a
lot because it's a sensitive topic and it has to be addressed in a very
sensitive way because I am not a mental health professional. I am a certified
health coach and a coach that really spends now more time helping entrepreneurs figure out
what they're going to do with the rest of their life. But I can
share with you that as a very successful woman who was voted most likely to
succeed, I grappled quite a bit with some issues as I grew older,
and a lot of anxiety over feeling like a failure when things were not going
well, imposter syndrome and times panic disorder, that I was losing a grip
on being in control, because when you were a highly accomplished woman entrepreneur,
you always want to be in control. And learning to let go and acknowledge
that it doesn't always happen that way and to accept that you may have to
ask for help is I always say, a sign of strength, but not
everybody wants to do it. Instead, they just want to hide everything inside
and then it kind of it blossoms. It doesn't blossom, it can really
become a thunderclap inside of you. I wanted to do the show today for
a couple of reasons. The Olympics in Tokyo were recently held, and we
all saw what I thought was a very courageous move by Olympic gymnast Simon Biles,
who basically said, I am not going through certain competitions because she was
having I forgot what the term was, but she was not in her right
head basically, and she recognized that this may not be the best thing for
her to be doing. And a lot of high profile athletes from Naomi Osaka
to Ali Reisman, Michael Phelps, Simone Biles I mentioned, have actually been
very open about their struggles with anxiety, depression and in some cases panic disorder,
which I think has really been very courageous at their end to show that
even the best of the best can have the worst of the worst times and
they're dealing with it. You know, a couple of statistics before I interview
my guests, according to the the let me get the organization right, the
Anxiety and Depression Association of America, because there's an association for everything. States
of affecting affecting forty million adults in the United States eighteen or old Earth.
That's one percent of the population. They are highly treatable, yet only thirty
six percent point almost thirty seven percent of those suffering received tree meant, probably
because they don't want to go seek it. People with anxiety disorder are three
to five times more likely to go to the doctor and six times more likely
to be hospitalized for psychiatric disorders and those who not suffer. And it is
not in common that someone who has anxiety order may also suffer from depression or
vice versa. In terms of women, and then this site goes into a
host of related examples which I won't get into, but it's women are affected
twice as women are twice is likely to be affected by specific phobias and anxiety
disorders than men. So I think that's why I really decided to dress this
topic and talk about what you could do if you're feeling anxious. And then
then and then on top of that, two books came my way that addressed
it, and I'm like, wow, it's around me. My guest,
let me introduce her. Christi. Doctor Christi ritz King is a psychologist and
licensed professional counselor based in New Jersey, where she's connecting with me from.
She specializes in trauma and maternal mental health. Her hallmark therapeutic approach combines it
down to earth who are realistic style that helps empower others to live their best
lives. She has a thriving psychotherapy practice and also does wonder weekend retreats for
women. Her website is www dot Wonderinkwellness dot com and you can follow her
on Instagram at d R Christy cri i tz King Dogy christytz King. Welcome
to Fearless Fabulous You thank you, thank you so much for having me.
What a great platform, What a great show. I'm so impressed by everything
you're doing, and it's so needed, it really is. I mean,
you know, I can't. I think everybody if you if you did a
quiz to every America and they would always and did a one to ten on
the on the anxiety platform, I think every but he'd be definitely above a
five since the pandemic. Since the pandemic, have you seen has your practice
changed much since the pandemic? Christie, Yes, well you know what it
has. I obviously you know, I think nobody would be surprised by hearing
that it has grown since the pandemic. But what I've really noticed is that
people are more willing to seek help than maybe they were before it. It
was almost as if this allowed people to admit that they were struggling. And
so even if the they're not coming to me necessarily with pandemic induced struggle,
but it has brought to light the need to get some help and to and
to talk about things that you know, we try to keep quiet or or
don't think we should admit out loud. You know, you address so many
things in your intro, the the idea of imposter syndrome and this anxiety,
and especially for women. I think we are meant to keep all that under
wraps and just kind of plow forward and do the job that we're given and
not cause any trouble and not make anybody else uncomfortable. And that often leads
to, you know, thinking we're supposed to have it all figured out,
which is anxiety inducing in and of itself. So tell me practice has changed
and grown thanks to the pandemic. What do you think? And I'm going
to call you doctor Christie, because that's how you refer yourself and your blog
in itis. So do you think that the fact that high profile celebrities and
athletes, as I said, Naomi Osaka, that's the one in my face
right now, have a similar biles, that they have come out and been
open, has that helped? You know? I think what has helped is
the conversation. You know, they I'm not sure they would say it helped,
because I imagine they've faced all kinds of fierce, you know, criticism,
But I also but I do think that it has allowed other people to
say, well, if this person at the peak of their game, at
the top of their profession can admit that this is a struggle that they carry
long, then it's helped the conversation. What I think is somebody who deals
with this every day. What I'm what I'm thrilled to see is the realization
that you can be both things. You can be at the top of your
game and struggle with anxiety or depression or any number of mental health things.
It isn't an either or situation, and it isn't that you can't accomplish things
alongside these issues that many of us have and carry along with us. I
think that's such an important point because I think if you you know, I
think many CEOs, for example, or entrepreneurs struggle because you know you're in.
You want to stay in the game. You want to be part of
the game. You're always you know, you're always hustling in the game.
And a lot of these business and I can I can speak firsthand. I
had an agency. I was always hustling. I was always hustling for more
business. I was always hustling to get paid. You know, you're either
hustling for more business and then you've got to figure out how to do all
the work. Usually you don't have enough staff because you got higher up or
staff up, and then you got to you know, then you have the
clients that don't pay their money. I'm a member of them. I'm a
member of a number of Facebook groups, and there's one for public relations professionals,
which was has been my profession. I actually left the business books that
couldn't take it any longer. He really did make me. I got sick.
Basically, I was diagnosed with Puts cancer and truly believed that the anxiety
that I kept within me for all those years and shoulder made me sick and
walked away. But the venting has been has become louder in this group.
The pain, the pain, the pain being. You know, literally one
person was told by a client the being a public relations executive is no better
than a call girl. Grow with me. I'll pay you when I see
results on and I Actually there's a book coming out called I Can Say it
on the Fuck Off Kloy, which is a new book out by someone who
literally got so tired of the situation that he must have done fifty five reasons
why this is just a terrible profession. And then every we wait in and
the good news in it is the event got so big, you got a
book contract and the book's coming out. Yeah, I can't wait to read
it to talk about it. Yeah. Well that's why back to the conversation.
You know, sometimes venting is really really good. So here's the thing.
Why is it? You know, there's many reasons that anxiety is at
an overall high. You know, I think a lot of it is that
society we're praying on ourselves. This is my theory, and I'll let you
in this. We're praying on ourselves. Okay, so we're our own worst
enemy because we put out there on Instagram and in the media. And remember
I am part of the media, and it pitched the media. But I
think we're also to blame and other areas, whether it's awards, ratings,
number of followers, photoshopping to look better. We pray on ourselves by creating
methods of evaluating each other based on our achievements, are numbers, our portfolio
or looks, and that creates a solve, a very false sense of achievement
or measurement. We're always trying to measure up to somebody else, right,
Yes, yeah, the measurement I think is huge. I think we're sort
of designed to look for the tangible proof of achievements. And as women especially,
you know, my clients run the gamut from brand new moms to millennial
women in the workforce, to retirees who are trying to figure out the next
chapter of their life, or women like you who have just realized that what
they're doing isn't serving them and they're trying to figure out what's next. So
I've had the privilege of being in every stage with these women and what I've
noticed the common thread is that they often can't answer the question of what they
want because they've been told by whatever society or partners or parents or you know,
their colleagues. They've been told what they should want or the life that
they should be seeking, or as you said, the hustle that they should
be part of, and they've never actually really taken the time to think,
well, what makes me feel good? How do I, you know,
manage this, or what do I need to be okay? And I think
that that seeking of external validation, whether it's like you said, followers or
a professional award or something like that, has taken over actually paying attention to
our own selves. You know, we really do we really want this thing,
and is getting it going to make us feel a way we want to
feel? And I think that's the question nobody's answering. I don't think people
want to know how to answer it, because I have many colleagues who are
just you know, I mean, there's so much look at me, look
at me. I just want this, look at me, look at me.
You know, everybody is craving all this attention and validation right now.
I mean I scroll through Instance and Facebook and it's a lot of look at
me. And I think a lot of these people are saying it, are
not looking inward, yes, right, or look at me and look at
this very small, tiny portion of my curated speed that you know, on
the best moment, in the best moment, on the best day of my
life, and somebody else is scrolling through seeing that and thinking, well,
I'm not doing anything right because look at this person and look at their feed
and look at what they're accomplishing, and I'm just over here living my regular
life. And so I think that's some of the problem too, is that
viewed vision of what is the achievement? What is the accomplishment we're seeing?
You know, people who get paid to put that stuff up there. I
mean, you know, from a pr background like that, what we're seeing
is a fraction of the truth. And if we're judging ourselves up against that,
it's a really rough road to be on because you're not you know,
you're judging yourself against things that aren't achievable quite frankly exactly, and things are
not always what they're saying. So yesterday I was with a very dear friend
many many years, over twenty five years, who was in from the UK.
She's not on social media, she's supremely happy, she's working on she
has two masters working on her PhD. She's in her element, she's priming
in her late fifties, and she's supremely happy without all that yeah, with
all that validation right right right, because she's looking in for it. She's
noticing what's good about her own life rather than looking out to see what her
life should look like. So one of these amazing accomplished women come to you,
which you have many as your clients, right and have all ages.
How what are some steps that you take with them? Let's walk through that
process of looking inward to figure out what you really want. Sure, yeah,
so the very first thing of that is stopping and taking some time to
tune into their own self. And what I noticed really often and not to
get to sort of out there for people, but the disconnect between our brains,
our intellectual selves, and our physical bodies is huge. We don't really
pay attention to our body until it's screaming in pain. Typically, you know,
you had said you've got a die cancer diagnosis before you sort of went,
wait a minute, maybe this life isn't working for me and I,
And that is really common people come when they come to see me or they
go to their medical doctors when they're in pain. And so what I try
to do is get women to pay attention to what feels good in their body
and how can they get more of that in their life? And that's why,
you know, oftentimes they can't answer that question what do I want because
they've never stopped to take the time for it. So, you know,
these are busy, accomplished women. So we can't we start small. I
talk about what I you know, I when I have dubbed toothbrush meditation,
which is, you know, just trying to incorporate even a moment of your
day every day to check in physically, see how you're feeling, check in
with your thoughts, what's what's weighing on you, what are you worried about,
what are you anxious about? And then all so pay attention to at
the end of the day, what went really well, what was good about
today? What would I like to repeat? Because I think we don't do
enough of that. We don't tune into the good stuff. We only pay
attention when it's really bad. The rest of the time, we're running and
we're hustling and we're just doing the next right thing, and we then don't
have a real idea of well, what does bring us joy? And so
until we're burnt out, we don't even realize that we're not enjoying our lives.
And then once we get to that level of burnout, it's hard to
figure out where to go next because we don't know what's good. So when
women come to me, we start with, okay, let's talk about maybe
the last time you felt good or the last thing you remember doing that really
brought you a sense of peace or joy or calm. And then let's look
at what you're striving for and what do you think that's going to change about
your life when you get there? Because that's another stumbling block I think is
that we think all these achievements are all of these you know, tangible goals
are going to make us feel differently once we're at that place, and more
often than not that's not the case. Well we're so goal oriented, right,
yes, I mean everything's going to have you know, what's the goal,
what's what's what's the game plan? You know, what's r O I
exactly what are the steps to get there? And what are they? Yeah?
Exactly, I mean exactly. So I would just go one step further
and say, well, what are you hoping is different once you reach that
goal? What do you what do you want it to look like when you
get there? Well, I'll give you an example. So that's how I
was on my life. I don't think I was. I was programmed from
day one, like I think from the womb, coming out of the womb
to be a success. Okay, I never had you know, i'd have
to report it and what are you doing? What are you accomplishing? What
are you doing? How many clients? It was like awful. Then my
dad died and that never happened anywhere because he's dead. So when he died
after my cancer diagnosis, it was like, wow, I don't have someone
like barking in the right ear still my mother in the left. You're going,
what are you doing positive for the community today? You know? But
you know I I kind of pull back, okay, but a little selfish.
I'm a big believer anaes Nin's The Virtue of Selfish Selfishness. The book
actually was an important book for me because I do believe that you can be
selfish in a very positive way for yourself. It's okay to be selfish and
think of you first sometimes and say, I can't always be there for everybody
else, and we're not programmed for that, but it is super good.
So I am admitly a selfish person. I'm not self less because she also
said to be selfless means you lose the sense of yourself and often women are
taught to be self less, and that was a very eye opening discover for
me. Right, yeah, for one hundred percent. And I think when
I talk about you know, one thing I asked women to do is talk
about what they want. It's really uncomfortable for them because you're one hundred percent
right, We've been taught not only to be self less, but to accommodate
other people as well. So you know, you have your mom and your
dad on either shoulder, and you grow up learning how to pacify them,
so you do whatever you need to do to keep them comfortable. And that's
sort of how women are trained, if you will in this in this society,
we're trained to make everybody else be comfortable with whatever we're doing. So
that includes achievement, and but you know, only so much achievement, like
don't push too far or don't be don't be focused on yourself too much,
because that makes other people uncomfortable, you know, So there's a little bit
of getting to know that, getting comfortable with that feeling of uncomfortableness of oh,
I'm going to focus on myself and it's okay, I'm not hurting anyone.
I'm not going you know, you're going against the grain, but you're
not doing anything wrong. So yeah, I I totally have seen that,
you know, examples of that same idea where you're you're selfish in a good
way, in a good ways hard it's a hard transition. Yeah, it's
a very hard and a lot of people don't like it. You know.
You talk about I think one of your blog pusts second about how your childhood
trauma, reinforcement, lack of reinforcement, et cetera, impacts you as an
adult in how you handle anxiety and stress. Let's talk about that. Yeah,
So a lot of clients that I see, we you know, I
always I sort of joke with them like, I'm not about to you know,
I'm not here to blame your mommy, but I am going to talk
about your mommy because there is a lot that we learn from those those early
caregiving relationships and how we sort of relate in the world, whether it's a
romantic relationship, whether it's your children, whether it's your colleagues, Like a
lot of those relationships, patterns are set when we're very young. And so
even if it's not trauma, you know, even if something horrific didn't happen,
if there was an inconsistent parental relationship, or if there was even a
divorce, that can be really shaped, you know, shattering to a kid.
Even if it's handled perfectly and beautifully and every that it gets along,
there's still parts of you that are sort of looking for that. You know,
you're protecting yourself from that pain even as an adult. And so what
we sort of learn when I work with folks is how to f face I
guess or or you know, own up to what they're doing as adults that
they may have learned as a young child. So you know, there's there's
a wonderful book about adverse child Experiences, which is how which are you know,
the traumatic things that we think of that sort of capital t trauma.
But there's also all this work on attachment, which doesn't necessarily have to be
quite so obvious or you know, dramatic as a as a neglect or abuse
or anything like that. That shows sort of the different sides of what we
learn, what we learn about how to relate with the world as we're young,
and then we carry that into our adult relationships. And often for parents,
it can be triggered when they're kids or of an age that they sort
of learned those same lessons. And so that's that's who I see a lot.
I see a lot of parents who are saying, I don't really understand
what's happening. I thought i'd put this away, or I thought I dealt
with this or you know, something else, and here it is back again.
Yeah, that's so. And when they become parents it comes back.
Wow. Yeah yeah, because you you you deal with it, you know,
in different stages of your life. So even if you have addressed things
as a you know, a young professional, then you kind of have to
do it again. It's almost like life's the spiral that you're traveling upward and
you're you're going to come around to the same things again, but at a
different level than you were before. I would imagine as an entrepreneur you've experienced
a little bit of that too, like the growth that happens at each stage
of business it might be the same issues that you were dealing with before,
but on a different scale. And it's the same thing with your mental health.
It's very true. And and I you know, I've I've done a
lot of soul searching when I went through my own. When you get older
and I'm older, you find you know, your the relevancy becomes a big
issue because you're you're either being replaced by someone younger or you're having to deal
with people younger than you who you clearly don't think have you know. I
mean, I hate to say it, but a lot of the people I
deal with who write me every day just don't have the maturity, the skills.
Anything that comes through in an email, you can you can feel it.
And I want to take them all and help them, not criticize it,
but help them and say let's try this a different way. And as
a result of that, I actually now do staff training to help junior staff.
I've offered myself out. So it ended up becoming a little business.
But I'm saying it is. But I had to deal with it in my
own head because it was like, how am I going to deal with these
people? Like why do I have to even deal with this, you know,
like why can't I just do something else? I think a lot of
people when they get older, they grapple with that because they don't want to
be quote put to pasture. Uh you know, their pastures still great,
they still will vibrant. And how to feel that way when you're in your
fifties for late forties, fifties, sixties and beyond, and it's a big
challenge. And I don't frankly think a lot of the organizations out there,
like AARP do that go to They do a great job figuring out how you
get free phones and deal with medicare, but they don't they still don't really
speak to people like me. Okay, yeah, I still want to be
active and yeah, yeah, and I'm sure I talk to a lot of
women like that. Yeah I did, Yes, who are sort of in
this next phase. And I like the way you you addressed it by saying,
let me help this next group, because you could go the other way,
you know, if somebody I'm not quite fifty, but I'm getting there.
So I am starting to feel that, you know, looking down my
nose at the generation belief beneath me happening. You know that like how come
I had to figure it out? Why can't they figure it out? You
know, you you could. It feels like it's easy to go back direction.
But I like that you're saying, well, no, I had to
figure it out. But they, you know, if I can help them
so they don't have to do it all on their own, even better,
you know, that's a wonderful that I will tell you. That is how
I worked through my own stress and anxiety is I look for a way to
turn it into a teaching experience. So I'll give you an example. So
when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, you know, I was that busy
woman who never read the breast cancer sections of the articles, you know,
flip past them. That wasn't my life until a friend of mine got breast
cancer. But you know, I was just you know, on that busy
trail, and when I was diagnosed, it was like, oh, it's
a kind of an evasion in my life. Where As I say, I
was like Dorothy in the Land of Oz. I was suddenly put in OZ
and I just want to get back right. So when I got through the
experience, I realized that there wasn't anything that you know, I didn't I
had one friend who guided me, and otherwise I had to figure it out.
So I wrote a book to help busy women figure it out and getting
things off my chest virus guides. So that learning experience led me to another
trajectory on how can I take sembling blocks or roadblocks and turning them in stepping
stones. And that's kind of what I do now, more in working with
businesses and entrepreneurs and than health coaching, you know, because I learned when
I was health coaching that most of the people I was coaching it wasn't about
what they were eating, it was about what was eating them and their own
self image, right exactly. And you can appreciate that in your profession.
So there's so many roots and causes. But I've learned that when you stop
going to inward and you go outward and say what can I do to help?
Or as you say, wake up and think about all you're grateful for,
which I think is really important to do at the beginning of the day
and the end of the day, so you're not just starting your day with
a to do list but also a gratitude list. That's a great massive mental
adjustment on how you start your day and and your day for sure, And
I think it really helps to drill down into that idea that it doesn't have
to be some big, huge accomplishment. You can be grateful for the fact
that the sun shining, or that it's not you know, freezing cold outside
your door, or you know, whatever the small things are that that really
do bring us a sense of peace and happiness. It's not the big accomplishments.
You know, you talk to a lot of people that have accomplished these
things and they're not you know, they're not any happier after the metal than
they were before. That moment is great and their hard work has paid off,
but their life doesn't necessarily change in a way that we think it might
if we if we achieve these great things, absolutely and I want to and
with that mind, I want to bring up something that you know, a
lot of people think that getting married will solve the problem, having a child
will solve the problem, get air pet will solve the problem, moving will
solve the problem. You know, things don't solve the problem. You have
to solve the problem. And you do a lot of parenting work, and
you know, it always breaks my heart when I read books which I don't
you know, I hear somebody I say, well, you know, we're
having children saved my marriage, but that shouldn't you know? Children should not
be the pond and making everybody happier again, because there will be challenges and
I'm sure you see that in your counseling. So let's talk about that.
Yeah, one hundred percent. I'm actually working right now on something called baby
proof your relationship because I think that's the exact opposite happens. Babies don't save
marriages, they you know, they do just the opposite. So yes,
I think with parenting, same philosophy I follow with all mental health sage is
that you have to tune in. You have to understand your own motivations,
your own expectations for what this relationship is going to look like. You know,
the time that I find problems with parents is when they feel like they're
two things. Their child is either an extension of them and so therefore they
have all the same guilt and shame and you know those kind of things,
or their child is a do over so that they can correct all the mistakes
they made when they were young. And the relationships that work are the ones
that recognize this human being is separate from me, and my job is to
kind of, you know, guide them almost Like I always like to think
parents, is those like bumpers that you put on a bowling alley. Have
you ever seen those? Where so you don't your ball never goes in the
gutter, But it doesn't really help the ball go straight down the gutter or
straight down the lane. It just helps it not go totally into the gutter.
So I say to parents, that's kind of your job. You're supposed
to, you know, protect them from falling off the cliffs, but you
don't have to guide them. You know, you don't have to walk directly
in front of them or stop them and turn them around when it gets you
know, kids have to figure out their own their own way in order to
be confident and capable adults. And if we're constantly either paving the way for
them so they have no stumbling blocks, or we're redirecting them every time we
think they might come up against stumbling block, then we're not creating confident and
capable human beings. So but that requires that's easier said than done. It
requires a lot of your own internal work to get your own ego out of
it and to get your own need to sort of do over the things you
messed up out of it. And that's usually what I work with parents on
is Okay, how do I how do I build myself up so that I
can continue to have this to create this safe space for this child to come
back to when they are off exploring on their own. How do I make
sure that I'm I'm whole enough to be here for them when they need me,
but not to sort of hover over them and make myself you know,
indelible in their lives, yeah, or overprotect them. You know. You
always think about the kid that has the big project and you know, whether
it's buildings something or creating something, and they can't figure how to do it,
and then the father when they come and do it for them, yeah
you know, y, yeah exactly because they really want to get that a
and it's like I should have just done it and gotten the c done it
the way they could have made it, you know, right, let them
figure it out. Yeah, And that's where the sort of the ego sometimes
the ego work comes in. It's it's it's not always that the parent wants
this, you know, super achiever. It's that they're worried about their own
job. And especially I see this especially with busy working women. They are
kind of always on the lookout for how they're messing up parenting. They're just
they're pretty sure of it. They're pretty sure. They can't do everything right
all at one time. So, you know, if they have a busy
career, if they have a job that keeps them away from the house,
they tend to over uh overdo it at home sometimes because they're afraid that they're
you know, their kids missing out on something, when in reality, they're
still they still can have a great You can you can have a relationship with
your kid if your job is something that feeds you, because that means you're
showing up to your childhole and you don't need to, you know, overdo
the parenting piece of it. You just need to show up as who you
are and allow that kid to know that they they are Okay, that's who
they are as well. They don't need your extra attention, they don't need
your extra guidance, they don't need you to, you know, do everything
for them. They're perfectly capable on their own. Yeah, I think a
lot of people have to learn that. I really do. Sometimes maybe it's
easier with the second kid or the third kid. You know, the first
one's kind of like the trial run. A friend of mine is going to
be a friend of mine's going to be on this show, an upcoming show
posted. I guess she's pregnant, but she said she's having a hormonal is
pregnancy hormone issues? And it's going through anxiety and the toddlers a year old
and hey, you know, I mean a book is number one on Amazon,
so you know, it's like, yeah, poor right, you know.
You know, I was like, so what. So you know,
everybody goes through it, whether you're a parent or a daughter or whatever.
Everybody goes through it. And sometimes you got to let people stumble so they
can climb and figure out how to find their way back. My mother once
said to me, and at the time, I thought you were so mean.
I think we're having a good fight, you know, And it was
like, well, you know, I won't push you off the cliff.
It wasn't the cliff, but I won't push you down. But if you
fall, I'm not going to pick you back up. You have to figure
out yourself. And you're so mean, but I kind of get it.
At the time, it was like we were fighting over like going on a
bus trip somewhere, you know, four hours away, and it got to
that. But I kind of get it now because it's a perspective, right
right, right, right exactly. Yeah. Yeah, Often the child in
the moment isn't going to get it for sure, but they will see it
later, you know. But what you learned, and that was that you
can pick yourself back up if you need to, and you know you'll be
okay, hey what you don't need her there and sort of rescue you at
every moment. And ultimately that was the lesson. Whether it felt good in
the moment or not, i'd be a different story. But yeah, so
I'm not a parent. I've been a dog parent. That was better all
I did. But I so, what do you do if your child is
I'm going to what he was, and I'm going to tell you losing my
little Sasac was like losing a baby and I'm still haunted by it. So
there's a lot of issues there. But what happens if your kid really is
a massive screw up? I mean, you know what I'm talking about,
like really into drugs or really into like like shot somebody. I mean,
what do you do as a parent. I feel for all those parents when
their kid goes out and shoots people, you know, and they're all over
the news, and suddenly you're like, how does the parent cope with it?
Your kid went out and like shot up people, and it's all over
the news and you're the parent and suddenly you're thrust in the spotlight? Right,
how do you do to reconcile that? Well? And I think that
goes back to the first part about that I said, you know, you
have to understand that this is an autonomous human being, Like, yes,
you create. You may have created them, you may not. You may
have adopted them, but you know you're either way. They were raised in
your family, but they are not an extension of you, good, bad,
or ugly. So their achievements aren't your achievements, and their their failures
aren't your failures in that sense. Now that's not to say that I think
it's human nature for every parent to look and go what did I do to
get myself to get us here? What did I do? And there may
be some you know, you may be able to identify some things where if
maybe I had done this differently, we wouldn't be here, but that will
you know, that'll eat you alive if you spend the whole time sort of
looking back to see how you could have not ended up here. I don't
know that that serves anybody, but recognizing them as as a separate human and
recognizing them not the behavior, not the thing that they did, not that
I mean, you know, shooting up the school as a whole different beast,
you know, if it's a smaller scale failure, or even drugs and
alcohol. Yeah, yeah, trying to find them in the tragedy, in
the disease is an important part to hold on to because then you can a
stop blaming yourself for it, but also be still see your child, even
amidst the chaos of whatever has gotten a hold of them. And you know,
it's not an easy road. It's mentally exhausting, it's physically exhausting.
And I know a lot of people who spend a lot of time second guessing
themselves, and I think always coming back to that they are their own person
and they made choices that I wasn't responsible for, and I'm going to do
what I can to again create that safe space for them to come back to
when they're ready. You know, you can't hold their hands their whole lives,
but you can always let them know. Look, we're always here for
you when you need us and when you're ready to accept our health. And
it's not easy, but it seems to be this the thing that you can
do rather than just kind of I guess yourself and and carry yourself up over
what maybe you you what rule you had in this? You know sometimes you
know it's it's chemical, it's it's it's it's it's a it's a condition that
goes beyond the lifestyle. I mean, you know, it is a mental
illness. And you do have to see what I'm reading this book. Before
we went on here, I was telling you I was reading a book by
author Sarah Wilson called First We Make the Best Beautiful and she has oh CS
and panic disorder and and jan believe me. I was just reading on this
side. I was saying, you know, believe me is very Some of
these disorders can be tied into other things, and one of them was eating
disorders. I mean, some of them are interlaced. The book is an
interesting book. She does a journey through figuring it out through the first we
make the Beast Beautiful with an octopus, and there's a whole thing will watch.
She was The other book, The Box of Invitation to Freedom from Anxiety
by Wendy Thomas Robbins, just came out and I was reading it, and
you know, she has She's a successful lawyer that has severe panic attacks.
I've interviewed a few people I interviewed on the show, a wonderful doctor and
oncology research doctor. So it wasn't about her panic goods, but she had
to get overcome these severe panic attacks to be a functional doctor. So it
can have it, you know, high functioning stress. And in both of
these books, it really there really was some chemistry going on that was triggering
a lot of these problems. So sometimes, you know, you really do
have to dig deep beyond the psychology of it to see what is going on
in the system. Right, how do you work? How does that work
with you? And other doctors? Well, I can't speak for anybody else,
but I like medical doctors. We have to do tests and stuff.
That's what I'm trying to say. Oh sure, sure, sure, yeah,
yeah yeah, And I think that's kind of where psychiatry and psychology,
meat is or neurology even and especially with kids. I know, I you
know, I'll do a lot of referrals out to a neurologist or to a
psychiatrist who can do a little more digging into the biology or the science chemistry
behind it all. And then you know, my role is sort of the
management of it once if that diagnosis, I mean, I also can diagnose,
but if the diagnosis comes from a medical side, then my role is
to work with them and help manage those symptoms. I think what's really important
about the two books you mentioned is that they are and this good I think
I said this earlier. They are living with these mental health issues. They
are not sort of a person, you know, they're a person with an
anxiety disorder. There a person with a a with OCD, rather than this
thing that has overtaken their lives. And so that's that's my job really is
I help people understand like just because you have these panic attacks doesn't mean everything
else stops and you're not able to do anything else in your life. Here's
how they're Here's how you're going to manage them. Here's how you're going to
work within this and same thing with anxiety. You know, a lot of
times what I see with clients who come in is that they feel like there's
some shame around even having these mannerisms or behaviors or thoughts. And so initially
a lot of people come to me, and I think their belief is like,
I'm going to take all that away from them. I'm going to help,
you know, I'm going to stop the anxious thoughts, I'm going to
stop the depressive episodes, I'm going to stop the and that very often isn't
the case. And that's why I'm really thankful to everybody who's coming out,
celebrity wise or otherwise to say, hey, I do all these great things
and also I'm managing depression or anxiety or OCD or one of those things.
I remember as young, you know, in still in my end, I
was a teacher for a long time, so still in that reading a book
called The Unquiet Mind, which was a very accomplished woman who was also bipolar.
And for me it was really like eye opening that, oh, like
bipolar, you can have bipolar disorder and also this really accomplished career. You
know, that was the first time I'd ever kind of realized that and so
in my pursuit then of all of these psychology degrees, I that was always
in the back of my mind, like people are living with these things.
It's not like you get this diagnosis, then you go to a hospital for
the rest of your life or so, you know, like we used to
do in the fifties. There are ways to manage it. And so I'm
not so sure that the diagnoses, the diagnoses have increased in a way,
like you know, a lot of times we'll say, oh, there's more
depression and anxiety. Now, there's more of this now, there's more of
that now. I'm not so sure if that's the case, or if we're
just admitting it more now and we're we're recognized. I think you can live
with these things. It's not an end of your life sentence when you get
this, you know, diagnosis. It's just okay, well I have this,
and now I have to figure out how to live with this. Well
I agree, ye people who yeah, I do too. I mean,
I think it's for for I think both of them. Is also a revelation
for them as well. Many books you write a revelation self revelations is a
sharing revelations and you know, I was always a big fan of doctor Wayne
Dwyer and Wayne Dyer excuse me, I'm a big fan of his. I
was inspired band when I was like in high school, and I still you
know again about the being self care and selfish, that was him as well.
But I love some of the quotes in this book too. Many of
us are not living our dreams because we're living our fears right right, So
we're focused on the negative and not the positive or the worst case scenario versus
the best case scenario right exactly exactly or your wait and when I find it
is a lot of clients are then waiting for those things to go away.
Well, let me wait for these negative thoughts to go away and then I'll
start living. Or let me wait for this anxiety subside and then I'll start
living. And so that's what we work together on, is like, well,
that's probably not going to happen. You're not just going to wake up
one day and be free of any kind of anxious thought. So let's manage
how do we how do we manage them when they come, and how do
we keep living our lives even knowing that they may show up here and there?
I think the word management is key because there's not necessarily you're cured.
You're managing something. If you're prone to being depressed or have anxiety, you're
going to be you know, it's I always want That's why I always like
part of your DA to some people just born E yours for you know,
compared Winny characters, Winny the Poop. I truly believe there are people who
are just born as E yours. Wow. Wow, that's what that's your
life. And then there's piglets, and I mean I truly believe that.
And I don't think you necessarily change, you just adapt right right, well,
and we are we're all designed, you know, we're all designed to
look for danger, you know, like that's an evolutionary thing that we have.
So we're always going to look for the negative. Sort of we're predisposed
to look for the negative because we want to keep ourselves safe. So you
know, to some degree, we all are born with that propensity. And
it's a choice or it's a practice to choose the opposite, you know,
to look for the good, to recognize what you're grateful for to And that
sounds so cliche and I hate to simplify it. That way. You know,
managing anxiety is not just making a gratitude lift, but but you know
it is. It is part of it because changing that mind, shifting that
mind to where you want to look instead of where you're currently looking, is
an important first step of it. So, yeah, if you're somebody who's
kind of constantly dwelling in all the pain and suffering, well there's plenty of
it out there, so you could live your whole life that way. But
if you're going to choose like, Okay, this is the reality of the
situation, but also here are these other things I could put my attention toward,
that's the you know, that's an important part of managing it. It
takes a lot of work. Yeah, a lot of reframing, you know,
the reframe as we say, and uh, I went through a lot
of and I talked to a lot of women going through cancer. They have
to reframe what happened to particular breast cancer because you know, I'm disfigured or
I'm healthy again. You know, I have you know, new brass and
they're gorgeous. You know, you have to really reframe everything in a whole
different way not to let it get down and it's it's a work in progress
everybody, but everybody is a work in progress, right exactly exactly. And
I think the faster we recognize that, the happier our life is and and
embrace and it's you don't have to be perfect. You can be perfectly imperfect
and and that's okay too. And stop looking at yourself in the mirror and
comparing yourself to everybody else on the screen and comparing yourself. I I just
you know what, I just I just stopped watching a lot of stuff.
I just turned stuff off. I literally have learned to you either tune it
down or turn it off. Yeah, and withdraw and move on to something
else. I do it a little more dramatically than sometime. I sell my
house and move on and all my possessions and move on to another place.
But you don't have to be that dramatic. But what you got to do.
And if it's people who are toxic around you, toxic friends or nega,
then you've got to pull away from them for a while. If it's
situations like your job or something, you may have to say, this isn't
right for me anymore. You have to be very protective about that. So
that it doesn't suck you in like a you know, a giant undercurrent completely.
Yeah and yeah, and it maybe as simple as like you said earlier,
you know, the social media feed that you're in if if if you
know, it's part of your job. Unfortunately for some of that part of
our job, we have to be on it. Yeah, but but curating
who you're watching and how long you're spending on there. And you know,
I just heard somebody say I took it off my phone because then it wasn't
you know this habit of let me check every single day and you know,
great idea. Yeah, yeah, you can use it for good and you
can and you can surround yourself with people that make you feel better or you
know, if you find yourself that you're constantly feeling terrible after you get off
of it, then yeah, you need to change what you're looking at exactly.
Yeah, it's it's it's a work in progress, it really is.
But the good the good news is you're a great company because most of us
feel this way. Most of us are going through some kind of struggle in
life, so and and and therefore it's important to you know, I always
say when somebody is short with me on the phone or a little off I
get. I don't I stop judging first impressions. Is I think what I
tell people I say, it's really the lasting impression. You know, we
always say the first impression is so important. Yeah, but I really want
a great, lasting impression at the end of the day. How did you
really feel? And a lot of people have said to me, you know,
you've really changed as I've gotten to know you. You seem to stand
offish for it's very bossy, but now you're so amazing. So you don't
ever judge someone by first impression, because that first impression may be there not
on something, but on something in terms of on a roller coaster, they're
they're they're sure they're in their work mode as they say, or in that
they haven't adjusted their head. Because I know when I'm in my work mode
it's pretty in June, and when I'm on it, that's pretty awesome.
But you gotta don't assume that someone's spacey or rude. You've got to just
let it go and warm up, let them warm up to you. Some
people are shy, right right. I was gonna say it couldn't be armor
too, you know, there's a lot. Again, we're all sort of
looking for danger, right, so I assume somebody's predisposed to protect themselves.
Yeah, well, and and and and we only have a two miss with
like Naomi Osaka is a is a shy person. She never wanted to be
on the limelight, and suddenly she was in it. And then she got
criticized terribly this week by a journalist who rudely said, well, if you
don't want to be in the lime, if it makes you nervous, why
are you doing it? And it's like it's kind of k with her her
fame. Sometimes you're just thrust into it and you're not exactly So, yeah,
he's not a professional media person. She's a professional athlete. Yeah.
So yeah, that's where I do say, get help, Get a good
publicist, not that I am, but get someone who can help you because
that is very hard for people to adjust, and that's why you see a
lot of celebrities just falter. So I want to I want to make sure
we get in again. Where can my listeners find and follow you, doctor
Christy? Yeah? So so my website is probably the home base for everything.
I have a podcast there, and there's blog both and that's wonder inc
wonder I n C Wellness dot Com. And then on Instagram, I'm uh
doctor c ritz King so d R c R I t z K I n
G. And my goal on Instagram is to be the person that makes you
feel good when you're scrolling by. So there's a lot of stuff other than
I just recently lost my dog and that's on there. But sorry, Sad,
I feel for you. I feel for you, doctor, and Christy
Ritzk you're putting on the ritz, right, yeah, exactly. Yeah,
So I'm gonna leave this. I always like to leave my show with a
quote. Sometimes it's my quote. Sometimes well, my quote is, you
know, put yourself care first. It's not selfish, it's self sustaining.
That's Melanie Young's Fearless Fabius quote. But this one from the book again,
I'll give her a shout out. She's not gonna be on my show,
but it's called the Box, an Invitation to Freedom from Anxiety. She's did
this quote at the very end, and I thought it was a great quote.
She remembered who she was and the game changed. It's by Lala Delia.
Don't know that person, but I thought that was a great quote,
never lose sense of yourself and and really always have a good sense of yourself,
and you'll be up for anything. Just just don't lose it in other
people's opinions. So I want to thank you again for yeah, come back.
You can always come back to yourself with a capital S. It's always
inside of you, as the good Glenda the Goodwitch said to Dorothy, it's
always inside of me, one of my favorite people. Blenda the good Witch,
thank you for joining me to all my listeners. I hope this has
been inspirational to you. Always remember you have the right to live life on
your terms. Say fearless and fabulous, and thank you for joining me.
Much appreciate it. Thank you for having me hearing the words. You have
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