M seven, Lamb Productions presents Cop Doctors Episode twenty six, The Magic Ford
Pinto, Part two. The Magic Ford Pinto drove along the foat, taking
deeper and deeper into Missus Rosenthal's body. Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's
the Magic Pinto. It's Thematic Ford Pinto. I can't sing anymore. Someone
else sing? Why do we have to sing? Because we're not to our
destination yet. Usually I play theme music over the bus speakers. But this
isn't a bus. Pentos have speakers, not this one. This is flazzle.
I have to know what the hell happened to you? You really want
to know? Yes, you want the short version of the long version.
I guess the short version. Okay, life fucked me. That's it.
You said the short version. Okay, what's the long version? Okay,
okay, okay. The year was two thousand and eight. I was living
life to the fullest, still teaching second grade and loving every minute of it.
Yeah. I was nominated for a Teacher of the Year for the tenth
year in a row. Parents loved me, and they loved my little field
trips with the kids. Magic's ubus. Yes, there, the fun bus
full of magical kids were learning, and no one ever failed my class.
But then then it happened. What yeah, what hold on our second?
Where are we? I think this is her lungs? I think I was
supposed to take a right back there? Here we go. Yeah, it's
that way, I got it. Keep going with your story. So things
were great, but then I made a huge mistake. I started an affair
with Principal Stevens. Principal Stevens, I fucked him. I fucked him literally
everywhere, the desk, the floor, a broken picnic table outside the school
library. Why miss frassled? What about your husband? Gary and I drifted
apart like we started to work through some things. We decided we wanted to
fix us. The problem was Principal Stevens didn't want to let go. I
tried ending things, but he kept bringing up the broken picnic table. He
kept mentioning the splinters in his butt. He kept saying, what about the
splinters? Splinters mean love, splinters mean devotion. But I wasn't devoted.
I told him I was ending our time together. What happened? Then?
Then he went full Alex Forest and cooked a bunny on my stove. I
didn't even own a bunny, but he made me buy one and then he
cooked it. He made you buy a bunny. He tormented me and my
family for years. He sent death threats, He poisoned my fish tank.
He smashed every one of my Greatest Teacher plaques. He one time dresses me
and went to a wedding party, tended to be me and made a complete
ass of himself. Everyone thought it was me, so no one invited me
to any more wedding parties. What's a wedding party? You mean like a
reception. Then he told all my kids parents, I liked to give squirrels
cocaine, which is true, so they became bad squirrel parents and don't take
care of their squirrel babies. But it was him, him who gave all
the neighborhood squirrels cocaine, and he was right. They were always so fucked
up they didn't take care of their squirrel babies. Notice how we didn't see
any squirrels on the way here. I thought they were just sleeping because it's
nighttime. No, they're dead, and dead squirrels can't sleep. Jesus.
The worst was when Principal Stevens put marijuana and a car key in my ass
while I was sleeping, and dragged me to the airport, pushed me through
the metal detector and watched as TSA had a field the key letting them right
to that marijuana. I was arrested for six months. The hell the guy
needs to be in jail. Sadly he ran away. See, the parents
didn't really believe all the rumors about the squirrels. But then that field trip
happened with the howler monkeys. I let all the parents join too, to
show them that I was just a normal teacher with a magical school bus.
And then well, I think Principal Stevens sabotaged my bus. He made the
horns sound like a horny howler monkey. The monkeys started humping the bus,
and the parents were outraged. It was all over. After that, I
lost my job. Gary finally divorced me. I got addicted to coke.
I mean, it was all over the trees now because of the squirrels.
Then I became a hermit. Not only that, but my bus got repossessed
by the school. Jesus, I'm sorry that happened to you, Miss Frazzled.
You're always my favorite teacher. Thank you, honey. Now let's on
block some somebodies. Guys. What's that? Did we take another wrong turn?
I doubt it. I've been following the signs. What signs? Look
that that one there? It says break your next left. This isn't the
way to the break. You know? This looks like the esophagus. Someone
put these signs here? Who who would be able to do such a thing?
Yes? Who would do such a thing? Had the pinto floating freely
to their stomach? Was Principle Stevens in a tiny yellow bus? Oh my
god, is that the magic school bus? It's Principal Stevens, Yes it
is. I Hello, miss Frazzle. I knew you would come. How
did you get in here? I have a magic school bus? But how
did you know? I've been planning this for years, and now I've got
you. I've got you trapped inside a woman with a clocked artery. This
was an elaborate plan. You can't escape me now, miss Frazzle, not
even on a first name basis. So how about it, Miss Frazzle?
Will you take me back? Principal Stevens? You made my life a living
hell for over a decade. I'll never take you back. I thought you
might say that, then you shall perish along with your two cop doctor friends.
Case, why are we getting dragged into this? Because Principal Stevens has
made not only my life a living hell, but everyone around me, including
all my friends. We're not even that close. Miss Frazzle, prepare to
die? Just then? Movement behind the magic school bus. Please? What
is that? Oh my god, the giant take part? No wonder why
Miss Rosenthal has been hungry. I've been training it for months. Go tape
for them, Go go tape for them, Go eat that magic bar pente
AT's hang on. Miss Frazzle drove all over the stomach lighting the tape went
close behind. It's time for rush the flights. Wait to say it.
Although you said this car couldn't fly, that was to temper your expectatients.
Why what did I always teach in class to temper are expectations exactly? Life
isn't always going to be exciting. Sometimes you're going to be poured out of
your mind eating TV dinners and watching reruns of PBS documentaries. But other times
you're going to be in the stomach of a patient in a magical Ford pinto
out running a trained tape worm, goaded by your former fling in an attempt
to kill you and your new friends temper expectations. That's right, guys,
the worm is gaining. Take the wheel, Jimmy, where you're going out
there? You'll die, that's right, But I'm taking that tape where and
Prince Abel Stevens with Miss Frazzle lifted her shirt to reveal several sticks of dynamite
strapped to her chest. But how I knew this day would come. I've
been wearing dynamite on my jest for the past five years, and today's the
day. She lit the wig. Goodbye, my second favorite student. Wait,
who was your first favorite? She jumped out, who is your first
favorite? Case? We gotta get out of the stomach. Look at all
the undigested beans. This place is gonna blow shit. Diamond Case watched as
missus Frazzle tumbled, called the giant Tapwam and magic school bass, and just
as the web opened its mom Miss Frazzle exploded, igniting the beans. Missus
Rosenthal's stomach became a huge triaball the magic pinto just literally escaped the esophagus.
I'm out of you. She didn't make it, did she? There's no
way. What do we do? Now, Let's go clear this httery and
get the hell out of your time. An hour later, and case and
Time was standing over Miss Rosenthal as she began to awaken. Ah, where
am I the hospital? My teacher is dead? Oh what my teacher,
My second grade teacher, she's dead. I'm sorry she was inside you when
hearned my principle. We were in there to help you, and now they're
dead. But the principle was mean, it's good that he's dead. What
do you mean they were inside me? Well, it was a magic school
bus scenario, but with a Ford Pinto. But the school bus was in
there too. Yeah, that's true, am I? Okay? Though we
cleared the artery, you also had a tapeworm. We took care of that
too, well Miss frazzle did that was her name? Miss Frazzled. Oh,
by the way, you shouldn't eat so many beans. Yeah, but
I was so very hungry. Still that was it was just too many beans.
So everything's fine now? Yeah, everything's fine. Good because I got
it yet better quickly. I have so much to do. I have my
son's bob mitts for this weekend. Not men in the work invention. On
Sunday, I have to go to grocery shopping still and also temper your expectations.
Okay, temper your expectations Doctor in loving memory of Miss Frazzle. Cop
Doctors written and edited by Robert M. Lamb starting Jack Austin, That's justin
Case and Robert M. Lamb Has Just in Time, co starring Hope,
Ennis, Darlene Davis, and Chris Davis. Music provided by Kevin McLeod of
incompetech dot com. If you enjoyed this podcast, don't forget to rate and
review and visit www dot seven lamb dot com for more podcasts such as this
one. This has been a seven Lamb production.