This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app AFI Am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you to see is the Doctor Wendy Welsh Show.
You know, I love to take calls, but you guys are far
more intimate and far more honest when it comes to those dms on social media.
If you want to send me a DM, the handle everywhere is at
doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. Okay, let's get to it,
because there's some very interesting questions this week. Hey, Doctor Wendy, my
husband has started going to work earlier than usual and he's coming home sometimes later
too. Now get this, I forgave him years ago for sleeping with his
assistant. While that woman is gone, my trust issues have unfortunately stayed.
Is new hours are causing my mind to wander. How can I get the
answers I'm looking for? I'm so close to posting his picture in a Facebook
group that helps you find cheaters. Well, I want to say a couple
of things about this. You know, there are technological ways there's actually producer
Kayla. Did you read that article I think it was in the New York
Times this week about testers, people who are paid to do fake profiles and
send private messages to your partner to test them. I did see that article.
I'm trying to get one of them on our show if they will.
Oh my god, I'd love to meet one of those testers, like I
want to know what they say, how they do it. So there is
lots of technology available if you want to do that. That's for people who
are just dating, trying to find out if somebody is, you know,
a player or not. If you're married, you're a couple, you've already
survived infidelity. I would hope that you've developed the level of intimacy to simply
be able to ask now, not accuse, ask say something like, you
know because of what happened before. Sometimes I get easily triggered or anxious,
and I've noticed that your hours are changing. Can you help me feel better
about this? Can you help me understand? He's gonna say, if he's
not cheating, he's gonna say, why don't you come to the office at
night, baby, bring me a little snack, we'll hang out you'll see.
I'm just working. I've got to get this project done. Whatever.
I mean, his job should be to console you. Your job should be
to believe him. But if I mean, if you're married, you should
be able to have these conversations. If you're just dating, find one of
those cheater groups. I don't know, all right, Dear doctor Wendy.
I am approaching thirty two, no relationship, never married, no kids.
It makes me sad because I really value having kids and getting married to my
forever best friend. Well, let's just verse that bubble. Forever best friend.
I don't want to change my views and accept not having kids, but
I also don't want to have kids alone. This dating era is tough when
you start approaching an age that having kids in the future may not be a
possibility. Okay, so you know, I know it takes years to build
a Getting too much pressure on myself is as normal. First of all,
you're very very normal. Women have a fertility window that men just don't have.
The good news is we also have technology. We can build that baby
in many ways, whether you're adopting, whether you use a surrogate, whether
you use somebody else's egg, whatever, there's always when there's a will,
there's a way. So I think the stress that you're putting on yourself about
the fertility window is probably causing anxiety that could be pushing people away. I
understand. I remember thinking, oh my god, I want to have another
baby, but if I break up at this guy, then it could take
me it's time to meet somebody, and that it takes two years to build
a relationship and then I'll be out of my fertility window. I happen to
be, you know, this is not the norm. I happen to be
a member of the lucky egg club in that I was exactly where you were
at thirty two and ended up having my children at the age of thirty six
and forty one, completely naturally, no issues, no bumps, nothing.
But that's just the lucky eggs in my family. So I do want to
say that looking for perfection and looking for your forever best friend also might be
putting too much pressure on things. How about just going out and having fun
And if there's somebody who has the same goals as you, you know,
trying to build a family together, they seem honest, if they seem kind,
don't worry about them being perfect. And don't worry about you know all
this, I don't know. It's a lot of stress. But at some
point, as doctor David Buss would say, you're going to have to hedge.
He's the evolutionary psychologist who talks about human meeting all the time. You
have to hedge your reproductive odds. Make a decision. And I would say
you should be interviewing for good dads. And the first good dad that shows
up in your mind, who's going to be compassionate and kind? How does
he treat puppies and waiters? You know? Then nab him. Dear doctor
Wendy, how soon is too soon when you want to tell someone one that
you love them, Well, too soon would be within weeks, because that's
not love, it's last. I like to think that love is an action
word. It's the word to give, and it really you have to wait
until all those early hormones calm down. Interesting the research shows that men fall
in love faster than women. Women are much more choosy. Women tend to
say it first, men feel at first, women say it first, and
an average it's around the four month mark of a relationship. I think I
was just a little bit earlier with my Julio. Yeah, you know,
women say it first, as they say, dear doctor, Wendy, my
ex won't leave me alone. Really, she calls me to ask for help
around her house and then gets me to sleep with her. Okay, we
just need to stop right there, gets you to sleep with her? Do
you have any boundaries? Just want to say that? And she makes me
feel guilty all the time. How can I get her out of my life?
She makes me feel like I'm terrible for going through our losses. I
guess getting together and breaking up? What can I do? Being around her
and not having sex isn't an option? So then you need to go cold
turkey. You need to go no contact. And when she calls and says
will you come over and fix my pipe? You gotta say no? I
mean, really, boundaries, boundaries. She can't make you have sex,
she can't make you come over and help. These are relationship skills that you're
going to need to take into your next relationship with you. So learning how
to say no now is a gift to yourself so they can learn to say
it in your next relationship. Really, how does she have all this power
over you? How are you able not to control yourself sexually if you don't
like the woman. Yeah, all right. When we come back, one
woman is pregnant and wonders why her husband is less attractive to her. Oh
and the texting stuff. Yeah, how long do you wait to text?
Let's address it when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show on kf I AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I AM six forty.
K f I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I normally say I'm taking your calls,
but right now I'm answering social media questions. Except producer Kayla as a
call. Is that true? We do. There's Julio on the phone for
you, my Julio. Hello, doctor Wendy. Oh you're not my Julio.
Who are you? Julio? You sound cute though, well I don't
want to, you know, throw your listeners off by saying, Wendy,
Oh, what's your question? Love? Well, I'm actually calling you about
your open regarding the movie. Oh, the movie you are listening to the
show. I was listening into the show. I said, wait a minute,
I had no idea, You had no idea. So wait a second.
I say, around dinner time, hey, I'm gonna call you before
I go to sleep, and you say, you call me back in a
few minutes, right, And you say, hey, I'm gonna go see
the Denzel movie. So I'll just talk to you tomorrow, Okay, And
Kayla. When I told Kayla that, Kayla just said, right away,
you are what she said, heard I heard. I heard. You know,
I'm a big fan of Denzel. And I saw the New York Times
article about the movie and it was mixed, but it was I was curious,
and it turns out I was going to a movie theater where there's absolutely
no reception. So I thought, you know what if this movie goes on
and on and I either call too late or you try to call me and
I don't pick up, I said, I better give her heads up where
I'm at. So that's what I was doing. But you said i'll talk
tomorrow. We'll talk to you tomorrow. That was the thing that triggered me.
If you said I'm going to a movie, then I had the right
to say, we'll call me whatever time you is, because I just want
to hear your voice before I go to sleep. I know, but I
hate to wake you up. That's the one other thing I really at all,
especially when you have to work, You're allowed to wake me up.
I think I have you on like a
special what do you call it? In emergency? Yeah, like the phone
is getting phone goes off, The phone goes off. Nobody can reach me
starting at ten pm except my kids and you. It rings on through.
You can always wake me up. That's technology. What was really worried?
Who'd you go to the movie with? Let's be honest. You literally,
when's your movie theater? By yourself? I did? I did buy myself
all right, all right, okay, we'll talk later. Baby. You
guys are so cute. Yes, I want the movie by myself all the
time. So Julio is cool? Yeah? Yes, oh, good standing
up room. I don't go to movies back. I'm gonna go see people,
all right, baby, see you later. Thank you for calling.
You're just popping into my work. Look at that, just like that?
Did you set that up? Okay? How'd that happen? How do you
even know the number? Oh, I guess I say it every week over
and over all. Right, can we get to the social media questions.
I'm a little freaked down now. Okay, somebody writes in Dear Doctor Wendy,
my husband seems less attracted to me since I have become pregnant. It
destroys me. How can I be sexy for him? Okay? So you
have to understand a whole bunch of stuff is happening when a baby enters the
womb. First of all, your hormones have changed. He may have his
own kind of horror Madonna syndrome, like, oh my god, she's a
madonna. She's a mother, Now what do I do? Or he may
be afraid of hurting the baby. Yeah, a lot of men have that
fear and they don't know how to express it. You also may have your
own internalized horror Madonna thing as well. Right, So there's a lot going
on. And one of the most common times that couples go and see a
license sex therapist is during pregnancy because there are so many changes, not to
mention the stress of knowing that there's a third person entering the whole situation and
that's going to need to be fed, all right, so go talk to
somebody. It's not about you putting on sexy lingerie and just like trying.
There's a lot going on and it's a great time to unpack all this stuff.
All right, dear, talk to you any This one's kind of long,
but I gotta like it. How do you fight the urge to double
text when someone you're dating doesn't text you for over a day or would you
text them? I've been talking to and seeing this guy for a month and
we've met four times so far, so that's a good pace. Once a
week good. I like it. We didn't text much at the beginning,
but after the second time we met, we've been texting every day. What
that's a little too much. Then there was one time he didn't text for
a day between the second and third date. Oh, you are counting,
you've got a spreadsheet here. Yesterday he asked me something and I replied with
a question, which was a simple yes or no question. But he didn't
reply to like two hours. Oh he saw I could see he read it
two hours later and he didn't respond for twenty four hours. Okay, calm
down, you need to contain yourself. First of all, stop texting.
I mean literally, you will feel more close to this man if you,
guys start having regular conversations, not daily. You're not married yet, okay,
you just started seeing each other. You had four dates. What are
you doing checking in every single day? I'm sorry, I'm getting a little
hard. I just want to say this. This is a great example of
someone who has an anxious attachment style and how closely they count the minutes between
texts, the number of letters and words in each text, because they're searching
for signs of a band demant. They're searching for signs that the person's not
going to be there. And let me tell you, if this dude texted
you five times a day, you would say why isn't it six? Because
that's this is just a place for you to put your anxiety. So I'm
going to ask you to contain yourself. Go see a therapist, go talk
to girlfriends, distract yourself. There's no set amount of time that it is
to get back to somebody. But I do think that this is your issue,
not his. Okay, Okay, dear doctor Wendy. I think the
man I've been seeing for over a year may possibly have a girlfriend at minimum,
a fiance or wife and a baby on the way at maximum. Well,
you've heard all kinds of rumors. Since I'm not one hundred percent certain,
is it possible to look up marriage licenses? I don't know the answer
to that, But they're all kinds of technical ways. If you just start
googling words like how do I find out of my guys cheating? How do
I find out if he's another relation? I mean, listen, since the
beginning of time, men and women have found ways to be sleuths detectives when
it comes to finding out. Now, I don't know if this is your
anxiety and you have made it up. I know there have been cases.
I know a woman who dated a guy on and off for ten years.
He slept over in her house and everything. I guess he told his girlfriend
that he was on a business trip. Then his turns out during that time
he was living with another woman and had three kids. So it happens.
Okay, so it's okay. Just make sure it's not all your anxiety,
but it could be. Yeah, use tech find out. I want to
know. Actually, all right, when we come back, do you make
love or do you have sex. Let's talk about the psychological differences between the
two. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from KFI AM six forty AFI Am six forty. You have Doctor
Wendy Walsh with you. See is the Doctor Weddy Wells Show to make love
or have sex? They're two very very different things, and generally they have
very different psychological underpinnings. Now, I want to be clear about something.
Neither is good or bad. We're not comparing this is good this is bad.
You know, there are great health benefits to regular sex. Sex can
relieve pain, it can reduce stress, it can boost your natural immunity.
And also there's research to show that having sex on a regular basis helps us
look and feel younger and even live longer because it changes or our hormonal makeup.
But what's interesting is our culture values making love over having sex. Particularly
you're going to be shocked to hear this for young people. Young people want
the love and the bonding effects of sex. However, not all sex is
love making and again not good or bad, not right or wrong. The
only time problems show up is when one person is making love and the other
person is having sex because somebody gets a broken heart. Is they're trying to
get closer, They're trying to give to the person. So if you think
you're making love with somebody on a regular basis, let's talk about if they
might be just having sex. I mean. The big difference, of course,
is the degree of bonding and its role in the encounter together. Right,
let's talk about emotions first. Having sex is usually a casual encounter.
You might feel attraction, you might feel desire, you might even have appreciation
for the other person, but you don't have those feelings of romantic love,
and emotions don't play a major role. I think people of all genders will
agree that love making again not right or wrong, not good or bad,
but making love if you add that emotional component, that romantic peace can be
much more satisfying. It doesn't mean that having sex is bad. Although if
you are having sex and you're not making love and you're not in committed relationship,
use protection. Come on, think about it, Okay. So there's
also a difference in goals. So with sex, people are acting on a
physical impulse, right, so their goal is to have physical pleasure. But
people who are making love actually use the act of sex as a bid for
connection and actually can help them create emotional intimacy. See. I mean when
people are making love, they tend to look deeply into each other's eyes for
longer while it's happening. People are having sex often have their eyes closed,
right. There's also a difference in what you talk about when you're having sex
versus making love. If you're having sex, most of the conversation is about
do this, don't do that. I like that, more of that.
That's good. Yeah, baby, let's go wonderful, blah blah blah.
Love making is a little different. The language is more delicate, subtle,
using metaphors, seducing the person. Remember, when you're trying to make love
to somebody, you don't want to offend them, so you're not going to
say, hey, come here, do this to me right now, right
you know, If it's a hook up and the two of you are saying
this is the deal, then that's fine. But if you're trying to build
something with somebody, then the language is a little more subtle. Well,
I'd say another big difference, of course that sort of ad is that having
sex is more about self gratification. I mean, I know it's not pleasant
to think about, but sometimes having sex is masturbating with somebody else's body really
is love making. It's all about pleasing the other person. It's less about
self gratification. It's more about giving and caring. But I think the biggest
hallmark, the biggest indicator of whether you've just had sex or made love is
what happens immediately afterwards. Psychologists would call it the post coital phase, and
the attitude in the post coital phase after sex, Partners don't tend to share
hugs, caresses, words of affection. If there's any conversation, it's usually
related to something that doesn't link the two of them. Hey did you see
that movie or whatever? Or tomorrow, I gotta get up early, I'm
going to the office. And when people get up and jump out of bed
very quickly, they probably haven't made love, right, They're probably just had
sex. Another big difference is future expectations. That people who are having sex
don't necessarily expect to be having it again or seeing the person ever again,
and so when you're making love. People assume that their connection is going to
last a very long time, and so some of the conversations that happen post
coitally are about you next spring, let's do this, let's travel here,
let's do that. I can't wait till we can go here, or do
this together. It's about moving the relationship forward. I think it's important to
understand that there's a difference between having sex and making love. Not judging,
but it's really important to understand your own preference and most important though, to
be able to communicate it to others so that you can be fair right,
I mean sadly, A very common male mating strategy is to use long term
strategies to obtain short term goals. It's getting better now. I think people
are being more honest and more open about stuff. But it used to be
like they would play like they wanted to be a boyfriend, and women do
it too and then but basically they just want to extract sex. If you're
making love to somebody and they're not making love back to you, because I've
just described what they're doing and it's more like having sex, then you need
to have a conversation or you need to move away from this person because you're
gonna get hurt when we come back. People talk about these darn love languages
all the time. Like our second date, Julio told me his love languages.
I had to go look it up to see if there's any science on
it. Basically, folks, it's a lot like astrology. I'll explain when
we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM
six forty, but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor
Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am sixty AFI AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. We're into the home stretch of the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show, and I want to talk about love languages. People put
them in their dating profiles, they talk about them all the time. My
own Julio on our second date, said that his love language is acts of
service. Well, he does a lot of nice things for me, so
he wasn't lying, that's for sure. Kayla. Are you familiar with the
love languages? Do you know about them? Yeah? I know the love
languages. Okay, so they are Let me just say I'm real quick.
Let's see acts of service, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and
words of affirmation. These are ways that people express their love. So which
ones do you think are your top two? Physical touch and words of affirmation.
I would say that about me too, I'm speaking about it, and
I was just like, yeah, because I like to cuddle with Julio where
I was holding hands and if we're watching TV, we're right there with each
other. And I really value him and make sure that I tell him that
I value him, you know, So I do compliment. I make a
point of like I'm not a cheerleader, but I do like to build people
up and say, oh, that's amazing, you did that. That's great.
I'm a terrible gifter, terrible. Every gift I've ever boughten him,
boughten him, is that a word purchase for him is in the back of
a closet somewhere, because I just he's very picky. I'll just say that,
and yeah, I do some acts of service. I'll tell you what
he does besides the acts of service. He's a gifter. And when I
say gifter, I don't necessarily mean hugely expensive gifts. But like you know,
we were in Tahiti, and at the end of the day at dinner,
he just reaches over and he hands me this beautiful shell that he like
a purchase, one not off the beach, shell just to put out a
night table, or something small and tiny and cute. Sometimes it's like a
cute little hair scrunch he or something. But he's always giving me something material,
small, it may be. So where did the love languages come from?
Well, there's a Baptist pastor named Gary Chapman, and he wrote a
book called The Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love That Lasts. It's
sold over twenty million copies worldwide. It's been translated into forty nine languages.
I hope he's very rich. He did this thirty years ago, and it
actually has a recent resurgence more than anything. Now, he's a pastor,
he's worked with lots of couples. He's come up with this theory of love.
But here's the deal. Despite its popularity, there's really very little scientific
evidence to support that the love languages are even a thing, or that using
them in any way are an effective tool for improving relationships. So you know
what he says is he says, Okay, Well, if you don't have
the same love language, you're going to have problems in your relationship. I
don't think that's true. Juli and I have very different love languages. It's
never been a problem for either of us. And then the other thing is
you're supposed to understand and respond to your partner's love language so that you can
enhance the relationship satisfaction, right, because you can meet their needs. But
you know what a love language is the way someone is expressing love. So
what are you supposed to do, like help them meet their needs by going,
oh, cool, you love me because you built that. My father
was very much an introvert. He was an intellectual, He was very very
quiet. He probably he was not affectionate. Probably two times in my life
I remember getting hugs from my dad. However, my dad, every time
I moved to a new apartment as a young woman, he would show up
and like build me a shelf from scratch a bookshelf, or he'd come with
me to get my car fixed, or when I was buying a car.
He would always be there with me, right and so definitely these acts of
service were the way that I knew my dad loved me. Right, So
yeah, you could say the love languages are a way that you could reassure
yourself, but there's nothing you could do. It's not like a technique,
right, and it's and again there are there's so little research. It's been
thirty years, it's been around. They've tested it out in all kinds of
ways. Like, let's say two people have the same love language. Do
they stay together longer? Do they report more happiness and well being? No
research supports that. Okay, what if people have very different love languages,
do they have more divorces? Do they have more problems? No research supports
that. But it is kind of an interesting framework because just watching the different
ways that people can show their caring and show their love. So you know,
it's not hurtful. It's not going to hurt anybody to think in love
languages. But it's not scientific. You know, relationships are an exchange of
care, that's all they are. And that care can take so many forms.
It can be physical affection care, it can be sexual care. It
can be financial care, it can be emotional support care. It can be
intellectual stimulation care. It can be domestic responsibility care, taking care of kids
or taking care of the house. It can be instrumental care when someone is
sick, caring for someone when they actually need They're vulnerable and actually need care.
And so no relationship when you look at it from the outside, seems
fair. And in fact, if there are relationships that strive really hard to
be fifty fifty, they're going to be unhappy because that's not how life is.
You know, our needs change from week to week and month to month,
and at different times we take turns leaning on each other's shoulders. If
the love languages is something that resonates with you and it's a great way for
you to describe yourself to potential mates, for instance, why not go for
it. But to say that we don't all have all of those five love
languages is completely wrong. Obviously some are going to be more dominant than others.
Remember their acts of service, physical touch, quality, time, gifts,
and words of affirmation. I would hope every lover in the world use
is all those five level languages. Obviously one is going to be more dominant
than the other. But you know, again, no science to it,
but a lovely thought and a great way for us to understand each other.
All right. That brings the doctor Anddy Welsh Show to a close. I
am here every Sunday from seven to nine pm. If you miss any bar
to the show, you can always go to the iHeartRadio app. Producer Kayla
gets it up there on the app soon after. If you miss it for
a whole bunch of weeks, you can just go listen to them all in
a row, a bunch of them that you miss. You can also follow
me on my social media send me questions. Remember I'm not a therapist.
I'm a professor, but I've written three books on relationships and I'm always excited
to share my wisdom. The handle everywhere on social media is at doctor Wendy
Walsh. It's always my pleasure to be here for you. Thanks for being
here. You've been listening to the Doctor Andy Walsh Show on K five AM
six forty. We are live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening
to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on K five a
M six forty from seven to nine p m on Sunday and any time on
demand on the iHeartRadio app.