WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.120 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty the 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:09.160 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app AFI Am six forty. 3 00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:12.240 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you to see is the Doctor Wendy Welsh Show. 4 00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:16.320 You know, I love to take calls, but you guys are far 5 00:00:16.359 --> 00:00:21.079 more intimate and far more honest when it comes to those dms on social media. 6 00:00:21.079 --> 00:00:23.920 If you want to send me a DM, the handle everywhere is at 7 00:00:23.960 --> 00:00:28.039 doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. Okay, let's get to it, 8 00:00:28.039 --> 00:00:31.640 because there's some very interesting questions this week. Hey, Doctor Wendy, my 9 00:00:31.760 --> 00:00:37.280 husband has started going to work earlier than usual and he's coming home sometimes later 10 00:00:37.399 --> 00:00:42.079 too. Now get this, I forgave him years ago for sleeping with his 11 00:00:42.119 --> 00:00:47.560 assistant. While that woman is gone, my trust issues have unfortunately stayed. 12 00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:52.560 Is new hours are causing my mind to wander. How can I get the 13 00:00:52.600 --> 00:00:56.600 answers I'm looking for? I'm so close to posting his picture in a Facebook 14 00:00:56.640 --> 00:00:59.320 group that helps you find cheaters. Well, I want to say a couple 15 00:00:59.320 --> 00:01:03.599 of things about this. You know, there are technological ways there's actually producer 16 00:01:03.640 --> 00:01:06.840 Kayla. Did you read that article I think it was in the New York 17 00:01:06.840 --> 00:01:11.799 Times this week about testers, people who are paid to do fake profiles and 18 00:01:11.879 --> 00:01:15.680 send private messages to your partner to test them. I did see that article. 19 00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:18.760 I'm trying to get one of them on our show if they will. 20 00:01:18.920 --> 00:01:21.480 Oh my god, I'd love to meet one of those testers, like I 21 00:01:21.519 --> 00:01:23.519 want to know what they say, how they do it. So there is 22 00:01:23.640 --> 00:01:29.439 lots of technology available if you want to do that. That's for people who 23 00:01:29.439 --> 00:01:32.799 are just dating, trying to find out if somebody is, you know, 24 00:01:33.680 --> 00:01:38.760 a player or not. If you're married, you're a couple, you've already 25 00:01:38.799 --> 00:01:46.760 survived infidelity. I would hope that you've developed the level of intimacy to simply 26 00:01:46.799 --> 00:01:53.959 be able to ask now, not accuse, ask say something like, you 27 00:01:55.000 --> 00:01:59.519 know because of what happened before. Sometimes I get easily triggered or anxious, 28 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:04.159 and I've noticed that your hours are changing. Can you help me feel better 29 00:02:04.200 --> 00:02:07.120 about this? Can you help me understand? He's gonna say, if he's 30 00:02:07.159 --> 00:02:08.719 not cheating, he's gonna say, why don't you come to the office at 31 00:02:08.800 --> 00:02:12.159 night, baby, bring me a little snack, we'll hang out you'll see. 32 00:02:12.199 --> 00:02:15.080 I'm just working. I've got to get this project done. Whatever. 33 00:02:15.560 --> 00:02:17.280 I mean, his job should be to console you. Your job should be 34 00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:23.479 to believe him. But if I mean, if you're married, you should 35 00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:25.599 be able to have these conversations. If you're just dating, find one of 36 00:02:25.599 --> 00:02:30.599 those cheater groups. I don't know, all right, Dear doctor Wendy. 37 00:02:30.759 --> 00:02:34.599 I am approaching thirty two, no relationship, never married, no kids. 38 00:02:35.439 --> 00:02:38.960 It makes me sad because I really value having kids and getting married to my 39 00:02:38.080 --> 00:02:45.000 forever best friend. Well, let's just verse that bubble. Forever best friend. 40 00:02:45.639 --> 00:02:47.639 I don't want to change my views and accept not having kids, but 41 00:02:47.680 --> 00:02:52.039 I also don't want to have kids alone. This dating era is tough when 42 00:02:52.080 --> 00:02:54.560 you start approaching an age that having kids in the future may not be a 43 00:02:54.560 --> 00:02:59.520 possibility. Okay, so you know, I know it takes years to build 44 00:02:59.560 --> 00:03:01.680 a Getting too much pressure on myself is as normal. First of all, 45 00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:06.639 you're very very normal. Women have a fertility window that men just don't have. 46 00:03:07.159 --> 00:03:10.319 The good news is we also have technology. We can build that baby 47 00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:15.680 in many ways, whether you're adopting, whether you use a surrogate, whether 48 00:03:15.479 --> 00:03:20.120 you use somebody else's egg, whatever, there's always when there's a will, 49 00:03:20.240 --> 00:03:25.000 there's a way. So I think the stress that you're putting on yourself about 50 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:30.639 the fertility window is probably causing anxiety that could be pushing people away. I 51 00:03:30.719 --> 00:03:35.199 understand. I remember thinking, oh my god, I want to have another 52 00:03:35.199 --> 00:03:37.240 baby, but if I break up at this guy, then it could take 53 00:03:37.280 --> 00:03:39.159 me it's time to meet somebody, and that it takes two years to build 54 00:03:39.159 --> 00:03:43.280 a relationship and then I'll be out of my fertility window. I happen to 55 00:03:43.319 --> 00:03:46.000 be, you know, this is not the norm. I happen to be 56 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:51.759 a member of the lucky egg club in that I was exactly where you were 57 00:03:51.800 --> 00:03:55.120 at thirty two and ended up having my children at the age of thirty six 58 00:03:55.120 --> 00:03:59.280 and forty one, completely naturally, no issues, no bumps, nothing. 59 00:03:59.719 --> 00:04:04.120 But that's just the lucky eggs in my family. So I do want to 60 00:04:04.159 --> 00:04:12.199 say that looking for perfection and looking for your forever best friend also might be 61 00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:16.079 putting too much pressure on things. How about just going out and having fun 62 00:04:16.199 --> 00:04:18.959 And if there's somebody who has the same goals as you, you know, 63 00:04:19.399 --> 00:04:24.839 trying to build a family together, they seem honest, if they seem kind, 64 00:04:25.360 --> 00:04:28.839 don't worry about them being perfect. And don't worry about you know all 65 00:04:28.879 --> 00:04:30.519 this, I don't know. It's a lot of stress. But at some 66 00:04:30.600 --> 00:04:34.959 point, as doctor David Buss would say, you're going to have to hedge. 67 00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:39.279 He's the evolutionary psychologist who talks about human meeting all the time. You 68 00:04:39.319 --> 00:04:43.319 have to hedge your reproductive odds. Make a decision. And I would say 69 00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:46.160 you should be interviewing for good dads. And the first good dad that shows 70 00:04:46.240 --> 00:04:48.519 up in your mind, who's going to be compassionate and kind? How does 71 00:04:48.560 --> 00:04:56.959 he treat puppies and waiters? You know? Then nab him. Dear doctor 72 00:04:56.959 --> 00:05:00.279 Wendy, how soon is too soon when you want to tell someone one that 73 00:05:00.319 --> 00:05:04.839 you love them, Well, too soon would be within weeks, because that's 74 00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:10.000 not love, it's last. I like to think that love is an action 75 00:05:10.040 --> 00:05:13.160 word. It's the word to give, and it really you have to wait 76 00:05:13.240 --> 00:05:17.920 until all those early hormones calm down. Interesting the research shows that men fall 77 00:05:17.959 --> 00:05:21.680 in love faster than women. Women are much more choosy. Women tend to 78 00:05:21.720 --> 00:05:26.720 say it first, men feel at first, women say it first, and 79 00:05:27.279 --> 00:05:31.000 an average it's around the four month mark of a relationship. I think I 80 00:05:31.040 --> 00:05:34.319 was just a little bit earlier with my Julio. Yeah, you know, 81 00:05:34.360 --> 00:05:39.800 women say it first, as they say, dear doctor, Wendy, my 82 00:05:39.959 --> 00:05:43.480 ex won't leave me alone. Really, she calls me to ask for help 83 00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:46.600 around her house and then gets me to sleep with her. Okay, we 84 00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:49.439 just need to stop right there, gets you to sleep with her? Do 85 00:05:49.480 --> 00:05:56.480 you have any boundaries? Just want to say that? And she makes me 86 00:05:56.519 --> 00:06:00.680 feel guilty all the time. How can I get her out of my life? 87 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:04.879 She makes me feel like I'm terrible for going through our losses. I 88 00:06:04.920 --> 00:06:09.560 guess getting together and breaking up? What can I do? Being around her 89 00:06:09.600 --> 00:06:14.399 and not having sex isn't an option? So then you need to go cold 90 00:06:14.399 --> 00:06:17.000 turkey. You need to go no contact. And when she calls and says 91 00:06:17.040 --> 00:06:20.920 will you come over and fix my pipe? You gotta say no? I 92 00:06:21.000 --> 00:06:25.680 mean, really, boundaries, boundaries. She can't make you have sex, 93 00:06:25.920 --> 00:06:29.959 she can't make you come over and help. These are relationship skills that you're 94 00:06:29.959 --> 00:06:32.920 going to need to take into your next relationship with you. So learning how 95 00:06:32.920 --> 00:06:38.079 to say no now is a gift to yourself so they can learn to say 96 00:06:38.079 --> 00:06:41.560 it in your next relationship. Really, how does she have all this power 97 00:06:41.639 --> 00:06:45.120 over you? How are you able not to control yourself sexually if you don't 98 00:06:45.120 --> 00:06:49.360 like the woman. Yeah, all right. When we come back, one 99 00:06:49.480 --> 00:06:57.439 woman is pregnant and wonders why her husband is less attractive to her. Oh 100 00:06:57.480 --> 00:07:00.800 and the texting stuff. Yeah, how long do you wait to text? 101 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:03.120 Let's address it when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy 102 00:07:03.120 --> 00:07:08.240 Walsh Show on kf I AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 103 00:07:09.399 --> 00:07:15.120 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I AM six forty. 104 00:07:15.920 --> 00:07:18.279 K f I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 105 00:07:18.360 --> 00:07:21.959 This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I normally say I'm taking your calls, 106 00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:27.839 but right now I'm answering social media questions. Except producer Kayla as a 107 00:07:27.879 --> 00:07:30.959 call. Is that true? We do. There's Julio on the phone for 108 00:07:31.000 --> 00:07:38.120 you, my Julio. Hello, doctor Wendy. Oh you're not my Julio. 109 00:07:38.199 --> 00:07:42.600 Who are you? Julio? You sound cute though, well I don't 110 00:07:42.639 --> 00:07:46.040 want to, you know, throw your listeners off by saying, Wendy, 111 00:07:46.040 --> 00:07:51.600 Oh, what's your question? Love? Well, I'm actually calling you about 112 00:07:51.600 --> 00:07:57.920 your open regarding the movie. Oh, the movie you are listening to the 113 00:07:57.959 --> 00:08:01.399 show. I was listening into the show. I said, wait a minute, 114 00:08:01.879 --> 00:08:07.160 I had no idea, You had no idea. So wait a second. 115 00:08:07.720 --> 00:08:11.639 I say, around dinner time, hey, I'm gonna call you before 116 00:08:11.680 --> 00:08:13.519 I go to sleep, and you say, you call me back in a 117 00:08:13.519 --> 00:08:16.040 few minutes, right, And you say, hey, I'm gonna go see 118 00:08:16.040 --> 00:08:20.040 the Denzel movie. So I'll just talk to you tomorrow, Okay, And 119 00:08:20.319 --> 00:08:24.279 Kayla. When I told Kayla that, Kayla just said, right away, 120 00:08:24.279 --> 00:08:28.720 you are what she said, heard I heard. I heard. You know, 121 00:08:28.879 --> 00:08:31.759 I'm a big fan of Denzel. And I saw the New York Times 122 00:08:31.840 --> 00:08:35.600 article about the movie and it was mixed, but it was I was curious, 123 00:08:37.080 --> 00:08:39.039 and it turns out I was going to a movie theater where there's absolutely 124 00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:41.960 no reception. So I thought, you know what if this movie goes on 125 00:08:43.000 --> 00:08:46.519 and on and I either call too late or you try to call me and 126 00:08:46.519 --> 00:08:48.799 I don't pick up, I said, I better give her heads up where 127 00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:50.480 I'm at. So that's what I was doing. But you said i'll talk 128 00:08:50.519 --> 00:08:54.399 tomorrow. We'll talk to you tomorrow. That was the thing that triggered me. 129 00:08:54.600 --> 00:08:56.799 If you said I'm going to a movie, then I had the right 130 00:08:56.840 --> 00:09:00.840 to say, we'll call me whatever time you is, because I just want 131 00:09:00.879 --> 00:09:03.000 to hear your voice before I go to sleep. I know, but I 132 00:09:03.039 --> 00:09:05.399 hate to wake you up. That's the one other thing I really at all, 133 00:09:05.559 --> 00:09:07.919 especially when you have to work, You're allowed to wake me up. 134 00:09:09.000 --> 00:09:11.039 You're allowed to wake me up. I think I have you on like a 135 00:09:11.120 --> 00:09:16.399 special what do you call it? In emergency? Yeah, like the phone 136 00:09:16.639 --> 00:09:20.240 is getting phone goes off, The phone goes off. Nobody can reach me 137 00:09:20.320 --> 00:09:24.159 starting at ten pm except my kids and you. It rings on through. 138 00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:31.399 You can always wake me up. That's technology. What was really worried? 139 00:09:31.480 --> 00:09:39.840 Who'd you go to the movie with? Let's be honest. You literally, 140 00:09:41.039 --> 00:09:45.840 when's your movie theater? By yourself? I did? I did buy myself 141 00:09:46.200 --> 00:09:48.440 all right, all right, okay, we'll talk later. Baby. You 142 00:09:48.480 --> 00:09:52.799 guys are so cute. Yes, I want the movie by myself all the 143 00:09:52.799 --> 00:10:00.799 time. So Julio is cool? Yeah? Yes, oh, good standing 144 00:10:00.840 --> 00:10:03.759 up room. I don't go to movies back. I'm gonna go see people, 145 00:10:05.639 --> 00:10:07.480 all right, baby, see you later. Thank you for calling. 146 00:10:09.159 --> 00:10:11.000 You're just popping into my work. Look at that, just like that? 147 00:10:11.399 --> 00:10:13.960 Did you set that up? Okay? How'd that happen? How do you 148 00:10:13.960 --> 00:10:18.159 even know the number? Oh, I guess I say it every week over 149 00:10:18.200 --> 00:10:20.159 and over all. Right, can we get to the social media questions. 150 00:10:20.200 --> 00:10:26.759 I'm a little freaked down now. Okay, somebody writes in Dear Doctor Wendy, 151 00:10:26.039 --> 00:10:31.120 my husband seems less attracted to me since I have become pregnant. It 152 00:10:31.240 --> 00:10:33.720 destroys me. How can I be sexy for him? Okay? So you 153 00:10:33.759 --> 00:10:39.399 have to understand a whole bunch of stuff is happening when a baby enters the 154 00:10:39.399 --> 00:10:43.240 womb. First of all, your hormones have changed. He may have his 155 00:10:43.279 --> 00:10:48.039 own kind of horror Madonna syndrome, like, oh my god, she's a 156 00:10:48.039 --> 00:10:50.720 madonna. She's a mother, Now what do I do? Or he may 157 00:10:50.720 --> 00:10:54.320 be afraid of hurting the baby. Yeah, a lot of men have that 158 00:10:54.360 --> 00:10:58.600 fear and they don't know how to express it. You also may have your 159 00:10:58.639 --> 00:11:05.759 own internalized horror Madonna thing as well. Right, So there's a lot going 160 00:11:05.840 --> 00:11:11.960 on. And one of the most common times that couples go and see a 161 00:11:11.159 --> 00:11:16.639 license sex therapist is during pregnancy because there are so many changes, not to 162 00:11:16.679 --> 00:11:22.600 mention the stress of knowing that there's a third person entering the whole situation and 163 00:11:22.759 --> 00:11:26.799 that's going to need to be fed, all right, so go talk to 164 00:11:26.840 --> 00:11:31.320 somebody. It's not about you putting on sexy lingerie and just like trying. 165 00:11:31.600 --> 00:11:35.879 There's a lot going on and it's a great time to unpack all this stuff. 166 00:11:35.720 --> 00:11:39.200 All right, dear, talk to you any This one's kind of long, 167 00:11:39.240 --> 00:11:41.440 but I gotta like it. How do you fight the urge to double 168 00:11:41.480 --> 00:11:48.279 text when someone you're dating doesn't text you for over a day or would you 169 00:11:48.360 --> 00:11:50.120 text them? I've been talking to and seeing this guy for a month and 170 00:11:50.240 --> 00:11:52.919 we've met four times so far, so that's a good pace. Once a 171 00:11:52.919 --> 00:11:56.679 week good. I like it. We didn't text much at the beginning, 172 00:11:56.039 --> 00:12:01.120 but after the second time we met, we've been texting every day. What 173 00:12:01.879 --> 00:12:03.879 that's a little too much. Then there was one time he didn't text for 174 00:12:03.919 --> 00:12:07.759 a day between the second and third date. Oh, you are counting, 175 00:12:07.799 --> 00:12:13.159 you've got a spreadsheet here. Yesterday he asked me something and I replied with 176 00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:16.200 a question, which was a simple yes or no question. But he didn't 177 00:12:16.200 --> 00:12:20.799 reply to like two hours. Oh he saw I could see he read it 178 00:12:20.840 --> 00:12:24.600 two hours later and he didn't respond for twenty four hours. Okay, calm 179 00:12:24.840 --> 00:12:28.919 down, you need to contain yourself. First of all, stop texting. 180 00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:33.840 I mean literally, you will feel more close to this man if you, 181 00:12:33.840 --> 00:12:39.399 guys start having regular conversations, not daily. You're not married yet, okay, 182 00:12:39.440 --> 00:12:41.600 you just started seeing each other. You had four dates. What are 183 00:12:41.600 --> 00:12:46.120 you doing checking in every single day? I'm sorry, I'm getting a little 184 00:12:46.159 --> 00:12:48.399 hard. I just want to say this. This is a great example of 185 00:12:48.440 --> 00:12:54.240 someone who has an anxious attachment style and how closely they count the minutes between 186 00:12:54.279 --> 00:12:58.559 texts, the number of letters and words in each text, because they're searching 187 00:12:58.600 --> 00:13:03.159 for signs of a band demant. They're searching for signs that the person's not 188 00:13:03.240 --> 00:13:05.320 going to be there. And let me tell you, if this dude texted 189 00:13:05.360 --> 00:13:09.559 you five times a day, you would say why isn't it six? Because 190 00:13:09.720 --> 00:13:13.720 that's this is just a place for you to put your anxiety. So I'm 191 00:13:13.720 --> 00:13:18.840 going to ask you to contain yourself. Go see a therapist, go talk 192 00:13:18.879 --> 00:13:22.279 to girlfriends, distract yourself. There's no set amount of time that it is 193 00:13:22.320 --> 00:13:26.720 to get back to somebody. But I do think that this is your issue, 194 00:13:28.440 --> 00:13:35.639 not his. Okay, Okay, dear doctor Wendy. I think the 195 00:13:35.679 --> 00:13:39.600 man I've been seeing for over a year may possibly have a girlfriend at minimum, 196 00:13:39.639 --> 00:13:43.000 a fiance or wife and a baby on the way at maximum. Well, 197 00:13:43.000 --> 00:13:46.960 you've heard all kinds of rumors. Since I'm not one hundred percent certain, 198 00:13:46.039 --> 00:13:50.879 is it possible to look up marriage licenses? I don't know the answer 199 00:13:50.879 --> 00:13:52.879 to that, But they're all kinds of technical ways. If you just start 200 00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:56.559 googling words like how do I find out of my guys cheating? How do 201 00:13:56.639 --> 00:13:58.559 I find out if he's another relation? I mean, listen, since the 202 00:13:58.559 --> 00:14:05.559 beginning of time, men and women have found ways to be sleuths detectives when 203 00:14:05.559 --> 00:14:07.919 it comes to finding out. Now, I don't know if this is your 204 00:14:07.919 --> 00:14:11.039 anxiety and you have made it up. I know there have been cases. 205 00:14:11.399 --> 00:14:13.840 I know a woman who dated a guy on and off for ten years. 206 00:14:15.440 --> 00:14:18.320 He slept over in her house and everything. I guess he told his girlfriend 207 00:14:18.360 --> 00:14:22.200 that he was on a business trip. Then his turns out during that time 208 00:14:22.240 --> 00:14:24.120 he was living with another woman and had three kids. So it happens. 209 00:14:24.440 --> 00:14:28.840 Okay, so it's okay. Just make sure it's not all your anxiety, 210 00:14:30.159 --> 00:14:33.240 but it could be. Yeah, use tech find out. I want to 211 00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:37.919 know. Actually, all right, when we come back, do you make 212 00:14:37.080 --> 00:14:43.159 love or do you have sex. Let's talk about the psychological differences between the 213 00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:46.039 two. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AM six forty. 214 00:14:46.039 --> 00:14:52.039 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 215 00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:58.960 on demand from KFI AM six forty AFI Am six forty. You have Doctor 216 00:14:58.960 --> 00:15:03.919 Wendy Walsh with you. See is the Doctor Weddy Wells Show to make love 217 00:15:03.559 --> 00:15:09.519 or have sex? They're two very very different things, and generally they have 218 00:15:09.720 --> 00:15:15.960 very different psychological underpinnings. Now, I want to be clear about something. 219 00:15:16.080 --> 00:15:22.039 Neither is good or bad. We're not comparing this is good this is bad. 220 00:15:22.600 --> 00:15:28.759 You know, there are great health benefits to regular sex. Sex can 221 00:15:28.879 --> 00:15:33.399 relieve pain, it can reduce stress, it can boost your natural immunity. 222 00:15:33.840 --> 00:15:39.039 And also there's research to show that having sex on a regular basis helps us 223 00:15:39.039 --> 00:15:43.720 look and feel younger and even live longer because it changes or our hormonal makeup. 224 00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:54.200 But what's interesting is our culture values making love over having sex. Particularly 225 00:15:54.519 --> 00:15:58.559 you're going to be shocked to hear this for young people. Young people want 226 00:15:58.759 --> 00:16:04.360 the love and the bonding effects of sex. However, not all sex is 227 00:16:04.440 --> 00:16:10.679 love making and again not good or bad, not right or wrong. The 228 00:16:10.720 --> 00:16:15.840 only time problems show up is when one person is making love and the other 229 00:16:15.879 --> 00:16:19.360 person is having sex because somebody gets a broken heart. Is they're trying to 230 00:16:19.360 --> 00:16:25.240 get closer, They're trying to give to the person. So if you think 231 00:16:25.360 --> 00:16:32.279 you're making love with somebody on a regular basis, let's talk about if they 232 00:16:32.360 --> 00:16:37.000 might be just having sex. I mean. The big difference, of course, 233 00:16:37.759 --> 00:16:45.440 is the degree of bonding and its role in the encounter together. Right, 234 00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:51.399 let's talk about emotions first. Having sex is usually a casual encounter. 235 00:16:52.200 --> 00:16:57.399 You might feel attraction, you might feel desire, you might even have appreciation 236 00:16:57.559 --> 00:17:03.519 for the other person, but you don't have those feelings of romantic love, 237 00:17:03.319 --> 00:17:11.519 and emotions don't play a major role. I think people of all genders will 238 00:17:11.559 --> 00:17:15.559 agree that love making again not right or wrong, not good or bad, 239 00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:22.480 but making love if you add that emotional component, that romantic peace can be 240 00:17:22.599 --> 00:17:27.480 much more satisfying. It doesn't mean that having sex is bad. Although if 241 00:17:27.480 --> 00:17:32.759 you are having sex and you're not making love and you're not in committed relationship, 242 00:17:33.079 --> 00:17:36.880 use protection. Come on, think about it, Okay. So there's 243 00:17:36.920 --> 00:17:41.319 also a difference in goals. So with sex, people are acting on a 244 00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:48.759 physical impulse, right, so their goal is to have physical pleasure. But 245 00:17:48.839 --> 00:17:55.480 people who are making love actually use the act of sex as a bid for 246 00:17:55.839 --> 00:18:00.640 connection and actually can help them create emotional intimacy. See. I mean when 247 00:18:00.640 --> 00:18:06.440 people are making love, they tend to look deeply into each other's eyes for 248 00:18:06.599 --> 00:18:11.039 longer while it's happening. People are having sex often have their eyes closed, 249 00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:19.480 right. There's also a difference in what you talk about when you're having sex 250 00:18:19.599 --> 00:18:26.759 versus making love. If you're having sex, most of the conversation is about 251 00:18:26.799 --> 00:18:27.880 do this, don't do that. I like that, more of that. 252 00:18:27.880 --> 00:18:30.640 That's good. Yeah, baby, let's go wonderful, blah blah blah. 253 00:18:32.519 --> 00:18:37.599 Love making is a little different. The language is more delicate, subtle, 254 00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:42.759 using metaphors, seducing the person. Remember, when you're trying to make love 255 00:18:42.839 --> 00:18:47.119 to somebody, you don't want to offend them, so you're not going to 256 00:18:47.160 --> 00:18:48.960 say, hey, come here, do this to me right now, right 257 00:18:49.359 --> 00:18:52.359 you know, If it's a hook up and the two of you are saying 258 00:18:52.359 --> 00:18:55.400 this is the deal, then that's fine. But if you're trying to build 259 00:18:55.480 --> 00:19:02.079 something with somebody, then the language is a little more subtle. Well, 260 00:19:02.519 --> 00:19:06.119 I'd say another big difference, of course that sort of ad is that having 261 00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:10.920 sex is more about self gratification. I mean, I know it's not pleasant 262 00:19:10.920 --> 00:19:15.039 to think about, but sometimes having sex is masturbating with somebody else's body really 263 00:19:15.160 --> 00:19:22.039 is love making. It's all about pleasing the other person. It's less about 264 00:19:22.119 --> 00:19:29.319 self gratification. It's more about giving and caring. But I think the biggest 265 00:19:29.400 --> 00:19:33.799 hallmark, the biggest indicator of whether you've just had sex or made love is 266 00:19:33.799 --> 00:19:41.200 what happens immediately afterwards. Psychologists would call it the post coital phase, and 267 00:19:41.240 --> 00:19:47.640 the attitude in the post coital phase after sex, Partners don't tend to share 268 00:19:47.720 --> 00:19:56.440 hugs, caresses, words of affection. If there's any conversation, it's usually 269 00:19:56.480 --> 00:19:59.319 related to something that doesn't link the two of them. Hey did you see 270 00:19:59.359 --> 00:20:00.519 that movie or whatever? Or tomorrow, I gotta get up early, I'm 271 00:20:00.519 --> 00:20:03.720 going to the office. And when people get up and jump out of bed 272 00:20:04.079 --> 00:20:08.880 very quickly, they probably haven't made love, right, They're probably just had 273 00:20:08.960 --> 00:20:17.640 sex. Another big difference is future expectations. That people who are having sex 274 00:20:18.160 --> 00:20:23.480 don't necessarily expect to be having it again or seeing the person ever again, 275 00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:30.000 and so when you're making love. People assume that their connection is going to 276 00:20:30.119 --> 00:20:34.400 last a very long time, and so some of the conversations that happen post 277 00:20:34.480 --> 00:20:38.519 coitally are about you next spring, let's do this, let's travel here, 278 00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:41.720 let's do that. I can't wait till we can go here, or do 279 00:20:41.759 --> 00:20:48.079 this together. It's about moving the relationship forward. I think it's important to 280 00:20:49.000 --> 00:20:53.640 understand that there's a difference between having sex and making love. Not judging, 281 00:20:55.200 --> 00:21:00.039 but it's really important to understand your own preference and most important though, to 282 00:21:00.079 --> 00:21:04.279 be able to communicate it to others so that you can be fair right, 283 00:21:04.920 --> 00:21:14.039 I mean sadly, A very common male mating strategy is to use long term 284 00:21:14.440 --> 00:21:18.960 strategies to obtain short term goals. It's getting better now. I think people 285 00:21:19.000 --> 00:21:22.920 are being more honest and more open about stuff. But it used to be 286 00:21:22.960 --> 00:21:26.720 like they would play like they wanted to be a boyfriend, and women do 287 00:21:26.759 --> 00:21:33.519 it too and then but basically they just want to extract sex. If you're 288 00:21:33.680 --> 00:21:38.160 making love to somebody and they're not making love back to you, because I've 289 00:21:38.200 --> 00:21:41.720 just described what they're doing and it's more like having sex, then you need 290 00:21:41.759 --> 00:21:45.599 to have a conversation or you need to move away from this person because you're 291 00:21:45.640 --> 00:21:52.000 gonna get hurt when we come back. People talk about these darn love languages 292 00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:56.839 all the time. Like our second date, Julio told me his love languages. 293 00:21:57.240 --> 00:22:00.519 I had to go look it up to see if there's any science on 294 00:22:00.599 --> 00:22:03.559 it. Basically, folks, it's a lot like astrology. I'll explain when 295 00:22:03.599 --> 00:22:07.680 we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM 296 00:22:07.720 --> 00:22:12.240 six forty, but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor 297 00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:18.680 Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am sixty AFI AM six forty. You 298 00:22:18.720 --> 00:22:22.039 have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. We're into the home stretch of the Doctor 299 00:22:22.079 --> 00:22:27.119 Wendy Walsh Show, and I want to talk about love languages. People put 300 00:22:27.119 --> 00:22:33.119 them in their dating profiles, they talk about them all the time. My 301 00:22:33.160 --> 00:22:37.519 own Julio on our second date, said that his love language is acts of 302 00:22:37.640 --> 00:22:40.759 service. Well, he does a lot of nice things for me, so 303 00:22:40.839 --> 00:22:45.039 he wasn't lying, that's for sure. Kayla. Are you familiar with the 304 00:22:45.079 --> 00:22:48.799 love languages? Do you know about them? Yeah? I know the love 305 00:22:48.880 --> 00:22:52.000 languages. Okay, so they are Let me just say I'm real quick. 306 00:22:52.640 --> 00:23:00.640 Let's see acts of service, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and 307 00:23:00.799 --> 00:23:06.720 words of affirmation. These are ways that people express their love. So which 308 00:23:06.839 --> 00:23:11.640 ones do you think are your top two? Physical touch and words of affirmation. 309 00:23:12.880 --> 00:23:15.480 I would say that about me too, I'm speaking about it, and 310 00:23:15.519 --> 00:23:19.519 I was just like, yeah, because I like to cuddle with Julio where 311 00:23:19.519 --> 00:23:22.759 I was holding hands and if we're watching TV, we're right there with each 312 00:23:22.759 --> 00:23:27.200 other. And I really value him and make sure that I tell him that 313 00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:30.160 I value him, you know, So I do compliment. I make a 314 00:23:30.200 --> 00:23:36.240 point of like I'm not a cheerleader, but I do like to build people 315 00:23:36.319 --> 00:23:38.039 up and say, oh, that's amazing, you did that. That's great. 316 00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:44.200 I'm a terrible gifter, terrible. Every gift I've ever boughten him, 317 00:23:44.319 --> 00:23:47.279 boughten him, is that a word purchase for him is in the back of 318 00:23:47.319 --> 00:23:49.880 a closet somewhere, because I just he's very picky. I'll just say that, 319 00:23:52.640 --> 00:23:55.599 and yeah, I do some acts of service. I'll tell you what 320 00:23:55.640 --> 00:23:57.680 he does besides the acts of service. He's a gifter. And when I 321 00:23:57.680 --> 00:24:03.839 say gifter, I don't necessarily mean hugely expensive gifts. But like you know, 322 00:24:03.960 --> 00:24:07.599 we were in Tahiti, and at the end of the day at dinner, 323 00:24:07.640 --> 00:24:11.519 he just reaches over and he hands me this beautiful shell that he like 324 00:24:11.519 --> 00:24:14.440 a purchase, one not off the beach, shell just to put out a 325 00:24:14.519 --> 00:24:18.799 night table, or something small and tiny and cute. Sometimes it's like a 326 00:24:18.839 --> 00:24:22.440 cute little hair scrunch he or something. But he's always giving me something material, 327 00:24:22.799 --> 00:24:29.200 small, it may be. So where did the love languages come from? 328 00:24:29.240 --> 00:24:34.200 Well, there's a Baptist pastor named Gary Chapman, and he wrote a 329 00:24:34.200 --> 00:24:40.799 book called The Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love That Lasts. It's 330 00:24:40.839 --> 00:24:45.880 sold over twenty million copies worldwide. It's been translated into forty nine languages. 331 00:24:45.960 --> 00:24:51.400 I hope he's very rich. He did this thirty years ago, and it 332 00:24:51.480 --> 00:24:56.440 actually has a recent resurgence more than anything. Now, he's a pastor, 333 00:24:56.920 --> 00:25:02.440 he's worked with lots of couples. He's come up with this theory of love. 334 00:25:03.640 --> 00:25:10.160 But here's the deal. Despite its popularity, there's really very little scientific 335 00:25:10.200 --> 00:25:15.960 evidence to support that the love languages are even a thing, or that using 336 00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:22.240 them in any way are an effective tool for improving relationships. So you know 337 00:25:22.279 --> 00:25:26.119 what he says is he says, Okay, Well, if you don't have 338 00:25:26.240 --> 00:25:30.920 the same love language, you're going to have problems in your relationship. I 339 00:25:30.960 --> 00:25:33.960 don't think that's true. Juli and I have very different love languages. It's 340 00:25:34.039 --> 00:25:38.039 never been a problem for either of us. And then the other thing is 341 00:25:38.039 --> 00:25:42.960 you're supposed to understand and respond to your partner's love language so that you can 342 00:25:44.119 --> 00:25:48.960 enhance the relationship satisfaction, right, because you can meet their needs. But 343 00:25:48.039 --> 00:25:52.880 you know what a love language is the way someone is expressing love. So 344 00:25:52.880 --> 00:25:56.480 what are you supposed to do, like help them meet their needs by going, 345 00:25:56.640 --> 00:26:00.920 oh, cool, you love me because you built that. My father 346 00:26:00.119 --> 00:26:06.160 was very much an introvert. He was an intellectual, He was very very 347 00:26:06.240 --> 00:26:10.240 quiet. He probably he was not affectionate. Probably two times in my life 348 00:26:10.279 --> 00:26:15.079 I remember getting hugs from my dad. However, my dad, every time 349 00:26:15.119 --> 00:26:17.400 I moved to a new apartment as a young woman, he would show up 350 00:26:17.400 --> 00:26:22.200 and like build me a shelf from scratch a bookshelf, or he'd come with 351 00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:23.920 me to get my car fixed, or when I was buying a car. 352 00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:30.519 He would always be there with me, right and so definitely these acts of 353 00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:34.839 service were the way that I knew my dad loved me. Right, So 354 00:26:34.920 --> 00:26:38.079 yeah, you could say the love languages are a way that you could reassure 355 00:26:38.119 --> 00:26:41.680 yourself, but there's nothing you could do. It's not like a technique, 356 00:26:42.200 --> 00:26:49.079 right, and it's and again there are there's so little research. It's been 357 00:26:49.119 --> 00:26:52.519 thirty years, it's been around. They've tested it out in all kinds of 358 00:26:52.519 --> 00:26:56.559 ways. Like, let's say two people have the same love language. Do 359 00:26:56.640 --> 00:27:00.440 they stay together longer? Do they report more happiness and well being? No 360 00:27:00.559 --> 00:27:03.519 research supports that. Okay, what if people have very different love languages, 361 00:27:03.680 --> 00:27:07.640 do they have more divorces? Do they have more problems? No research supports 362 00:27:07.680 --> 00:27:15.680 that. But it is kind of an interesting framework because just watching the different 363 00:27:15.680 --> 00:27:22.240 ways that people can show their caring and show their love. So you know, 364 00:27:22.319 --> 00:27:25.720 it's not hurtful. It's not going to hurt anybody to think in love 365 00:27:25.799 --> 00:27:33.079 languages. But it's not scientific. You know, relationships are an exchange of 366 00:27:33.200 --> 00:27:37.160 care, that's all they are. And that care can take so many forms. 367 00:27:37.599 --> 00:27:42.279 It can be physical affection care, it can be sexual care. It 368 00:27:42.319 --> 00:27:48.519 can be financial care, it can be emotional support care. It can be 369 00:27:48.079 --> 00:27:55.279 intellectual stimulation care. It can be domestic responsibility care, taking care of kids 370 00:27:55.359 --> 00:28:00.799 or taking care of the house. It can be instrumental care when someone is 371 00:28:00.799 --> 00:28:04.160 sick, caring for someone when they actually need They're vulnerable and actually need care. 372 00:28:04.960 --> 00:28:10.680 And so no relationship when you look at it from the outside, seems 373 00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:14.839 fair. And in fact, if there are relationships that strive really hard to 374 00:28:14.839 --> 00:28:18.079 be fifty fifty, they're going to be unhappy because that's not how life is. 375 00:28:18.599 --> 00:28:22.759 You know, our needs change from week to week and month to month, 376 00:28:22.079 --> 00:28:27.200 and at different times we take turns leaning on each other's shoulders. If 377 00:28:27.200 --> 00:28:32.400 the love languages is something that resonates with you and it's a great way for 378 00:28:32.440 --> 00:28:37.200 you to describe yourself to potential mates, for instance, why not go for 379 00:28:37.279 --> 00:28:41.559 it. But to say that we don't all have all of those five love 380 00:28:41.640 --> 00:28:47.920 languages is completely wrong. Obviously some are going to be more dominant than others. 381 00:28:48.119 --> 00:28:55.079 Remember their acts of service, physical touch, quality, time, gifts, 382 00:28:55.119 --> 00:28:59.880 and words of affirmation. I would hope every lover in the world use 383 00:29:00.160 --> 00:29:03.720 is all those five level languages. Obviously one is going to be more dominant 384 00:29:03.759 --> 00:29:07.759 than the other. But you know, again, no science to it, 385 00:29:08.200 --> 00:29:12.559 but a lovely thought and a great way for us to understand each other. 386 00:29:14.319 --> 00:29:18.119 All right. That brings the doctor Anddy Welsh Show to a close. I 387 00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:22.240 am here every Sunday from seven to nine pm. If you miss any bar 388 00:29:22.319 --> 00:29:26.400 to the show, you can always go to the iHeartRadio app. Producer Kayla 389 00:29:26.440 --> 00:29:29.559 gets it up there on the app soon after. If you miss it for 390 00:29:29.559 --> 00:29:32.680 a whole bunch of weeks, you can just go listen to them all in 391 00:29:32.680 --> 00:29:34.359 a row, a bunch of them that you miss. You can also follow 392 00:29:34.359 --> 00:29:37.799 me on my social media send me questions. Remember I'm not a therapist. 393 00:29:37.799 --> 00:29:41.759 I'm a professor, but I've written three books on relationships and I'm always excited 394 00:29:41.799 --> 00:29:47.359 to share my wisdom. The handle everywhere on social media is at doctor Wendy 395 00:29:47.400 --> 00:29:49.680 Walsh. It's always my pleasure to be here for you. Thanks for being 396 00:29:49.720 --> 00:29:53.480 here. You've been listening to the Doctor Andy Walsh Show on K five AM 397 00:29:53.559 --> 00:30:00.000 six forty. We are live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening 398 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.839 to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on K five a 399 00:30:03.000 --> 00:30:07.480 M six forty from seven to nine p m on Sunday and any time on 400 00:30:07.599 --> 00:30:08.599 demand on the iHeartRadio app.