WEBVTT

1
00:00:05.719 --> 00:00:14.759
In three days of this release,
I am turning fifty five. This show

2
00:00:14.800 --> 00:00:19.280
is called fifty plus, and so
we talk about ages, four fronts,

3
00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:24.839
but also style and life and everything. And I was thinking about this particular

4
00:00:24.920 --> 00:00:28.399
episode, like what was I going
to say to the public. Let me

5
00:00:28.519 --> 00:00:40.799
say to you who are watching and
or listening to this episode. I've been

6
00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:47.399
through a lot in fifty five years, so on my own doing some that

7
00:00:47.640 --> 00:00:59.799
just life happens situations. I've lived
a varied life. I've done a manything.

8
00:01:02.439 --> 00:01:10.439
I've lived in different cities, different
states. I've had different careers.

9
00:01:11.799 --> 00:01:17.439
I've loved different people, different kinds
of friends. I've been different sizes,

10
00:01:19.359 --> 00:01:27.040
ages, And I was trying to
think what can I say to people as

11
00:01:27.079 --> 00:01:34.120
I turned fifty five of some kind
of notes or merit. I guess.

12
00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:45.359
I've had incredible loss, a lot
of loss in my life. I've traveled,

13
00:01:48.680 --> 00:01:59.799
I've survived situations. I don't know, I guess, and I'm sitting

14
00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:01.200
here I really die just like there's
a show. I have no script for

15
00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:05.000
anything. A lot of times I'm
running my mouth and on this show,

16
00:02:05.000 --> 00:02:07.599
and I have lots to stay with
this time, I really I'm like stumped

17
00:02:07.680 --> 00:02:13.919
a little bit. Not every person
makes it to fifty five, so that's

18
00:02:14.039 --> 00:02:22.199
very fortunate. There are times when
I think making fifty five, there are

19
00:02:22.199 --> 00:02:30.919
situations where I could have not made
fifty five. It's true. I've had

20
00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:38.159
so many ups and downs. My
way of thinking has changed over the years.

21
00:02:40.800 --> 00:02:45.759
I always joke that in order to
get the more I realize, I

22
00:02:45.800 --> 00:02:52.080
don't know. On some level,
Yes, there are things I'm still learning,

23
00:02:52.120 --> 00:03:01.840
which that's beautiful to still learn the
things that confuse me and I don't

24
00:03:01.919 --> 00:03:13.319
understand. I don't really have any
regrets in my life. There are a

25
00:03:13.400 --> 00:03:16.560
couple of things. They could be
regrets, I guess, but not really

26
00:03:16.599 --> 00:03:22.639
did. There are a couple of
things I would love to get a chance

27
00:03:22.719 --> 00:03:28.520
to apologize to a couple of people
put in my past. But everything but

28
00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:30.439
it doesn't happen. It's fine too. But everything I know that everything that

29
00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:40.560
has gone on and gone down in
my life happened for a reason. Some

30
00:03:40.639 --> 00:03:50.080
things were my fault, some things
I was guided by what I thought.

31
00:03:51.919 --> 00:03:57.520
I do feel I see things in
a more real spectrum than I had before

32
00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:01.120
in life. So long as you
live, you live through stuff. Man.

33
00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:03.479
It's It's one thing I would say
to you guys that I just know

34
00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:11.000
that we go through a lot of
stuff, but you do survive the most

35
00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:18.839
part, and things that were so
dire and instant and huge in one moment

36
00:04:19.319 --> 00:04:28.000
in some cases dissipate into the past
and are not important, And that we

37
00:04:28.079 --> 00:04:36.439
have to give ourselves grace too and
compassion to ourselves, that we've done all

38
00:04:36.480 --> 00:04:44.399
the answers at any given time when
something is going down. And you also

39
00:04:44.480 --> 00:04:48.600
can't take anything out. I can't
take anything out with the threat of my

40
00:04:48.720 --> 00:04:57.639
life because one thing taken out could
be the thing that changes me completely.

41
00:04:59.759 --> 00:05:04.720
U It's the best of good and
the bad stuff. And there are things

42
00:05:04.759 --> 00:05:14.519
in my life I wish didn't happen. They did, and in the end

43
00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:19.160
or in the way I am now, they do serve me in ways that

44
00:05:19.240 --> 00:05:30.959
are positive. For the most part, I think last year, I've had

45
00:05:31.000 --> 00:05:36.160
many milestone marker years like this year
was important as important and behind the picture

46
00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:39.360
of myself was fine when I was
three years old, just kind of fright

47
00:05:39.439 --> 00:05:46.920
looking at that last year was It
was a very interesting year for me,

48
00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:50.120
I would say nineteen twenty eighteen of
my Bell's policies another instant year for me.

49
00:05:51.639 --> 00:05:56.680
Both years I really found out who
the people are in my life,

50
00:06:00.279 --> 00:06:02.040
what they mean to me, what
they don't mean to me, what I

51
00:06:02.079 --> 00:06:10.000
mean to them, what I don't
mean to them. I learned how people

52
00:06:10.040 --> 00:06:18.040
show up and how they show up. I learned about people who didn't show

53
00:06:18.120 --> 00:06:33.160
up that too, and how to
deal with that. Losing a couple of

54
00:06:33.759 --> 00:06:40.600
stepfathers, one that was really a
stepfather, the other was my mother's husband,

55
00:06:40.600 --> 00:06:44.439
but you know, I was taking
care of my mom. Losing them

56
00:06:44.439 --> 00:06:46.000
within a year, that was tough. Both them was kind of tough.

57
00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:56.000
Almost losing my mother was a whole
other situation. And you mean since then,

58
00:06:56.040 --> 00:07:03.319
there's been a whole different turn that
many of you out there know what

59
00:07:03.360 --> 00:07:14.560
that feels like. Also, my
family is not conventional by any kind of

60
00:07:14.560 --> 00:07:21.040
meaning. Traditional any kind of means. I have a small family within a

61
00:07:21.199 --> 00:07:26.959
larger family, and I mean that
intends that I don't talk to everybody of

62
00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:30.759
my larger family sporadically, hearing ever
people here and there, But there's a

63
00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:38.399
small group of us that really hang
together, and that's it. I have

64
00:07:38.560 --> 00:07:41.639
lots of people in my life,
but there are certain people I'm friends with,

65
00:07:44.800 --> 00:07:53.439
and I just I have just learned
because I think I can say I

66
00:07:53.560 --> 00:08:09.000
learned people mostly people are people.
That's a song that people have sois have

67
00:08:09.040 --> 00:08:13.519
their own agendas, they have their
own traumas, they have their own hurts,

68
00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:22.120
their own pains that inform how they
react to you. I have learned

69
00:08:22.120 --> 00:08:33.000
that that's something I'm like, Yes, it's it's really about whenever that's made

70
00:08:33.080 --> 00:08:37.799
who you are up to this point
when you intersect with me, who's made

71
00:08:37.039 --> 00:08:43.759
of whoever I am at this point? Sometimes it works well as it doesn't.

72
00:08:46.159 --> 00:08:50.039
When I think of the future,
I have said this before. I

73
00:08:50.039 --> 00:08:54.320
don't folks like I say this.
I don't picture myself an old man.

74
00:08:54.399 --> 00:08:58.279
For some reason, I don't.
I don't picture it. Why just I

75
00:08:58.399 --> 00:09:03.519
just don't. And I mean,
oh, I mean old man sense like

76
00:09:03.559 --> 00:09:05.360
in my nineties or one hundred,
I don't I still see that. I

77
00:09:05.399 --> 00:09:07.159
mean, if it happens, it
happens. I don't. I was.

78
00:09:07.200 --> 00:09:15.200
I don't know. But I looking
at the next fifteen years. That means

79
00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:22.440
I mean seventy makes twenty years or
seventy five twenty five years, eighty.

80
00:09:24.399 --> 00:09:30.440
I am looking at what my life
is gonna look like. His chances are

81
00:09:31.080 --> 00:09:33.720
I'll have to after work. Yeah, I don't. I don't. I

82
00:09:33.720 --> 00:09:37.879
don't think. I do not think
retirement is in my future from what I've

83
00:09:37.960 --> 00:09:41.120
chosen of my life. I even
know if I want retirement, but I

84
00:09:41.320 --> 00:09:50.240
just don't see it my health being
what that's gonna be like. Also,

85
00:09:50.360 --> 00:09:56.799
but for me, it's relationships.
Who is going to continue to be around

86
00:09:56.840 --> 00:10:07.840
with me as I get older?
And being single is not something that I

87
00:10:07.960 --> 00:10:16.200
want to be and it is harder
to find someone as he is get older.

88
00:10:16.200 --> 00:10:20.440
Also, there's a lot of there's
a lot of broken people out there,

89
00:10:20.799 --> 00:10:24.919
a lot of folks who just don't
know how to communicate or do how

90
00:10:24.960 --> 00:10:33.960
to let walls down, or everybody's
been hurt or they're scared or they're set

91
00:10:35.039 --> 00:10:41.919
in their ways. And I think
about, am I gonna be by myself?

92
00:10:41.440 --> 00:10:46.919
Is it? Am I not gonna
find anybody else? Because I'm out

93
00:10:46.960 --> 00:10:52.320
there dating but like I date,
but like nobody's sticking. So I was

94
00:10:52.360 --> 00:10:56.879
like, is that? And I
believe you call people into your life for

95
00:10:56.039 --> 00:11:00.399
beans, for stuff, for a
reason. Somebody is that me? That's

96
00:11:00.480 --> 00:11:03.879
kind of my next chapter looking into
myself, like is it me? You

97
00:11:03.960 --> 00:11:07.519
know? Am I thinking I want
somebody? And I don't what I feel

98
00:11:07.559 --> 00:11:15.200
like I do I have, you
know, so there's more work to come.

99
00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:18.159
I'm turning fifty five. But that
the work is an end, it

100
00:11:18.200 --> 00:11:24.679
does continue. I have a lot
of things I want to accomplish. I

101
00:11:24.759 --> 00:11:26.200
work kind of break next me.
I work every single day, you guys,

102
00:11:26.879 --> 00:11:33.960
just about every day. I don't
have days off. I try to

103
00:11:35.039 --> 00:11:41.600
occasionally take an afternoon off or an
evening off early and relax, but I

104
00:11:41.639 --> 00:11:43.639
feel such an urgency. I have
a lot that I want to do.

105
00:11:43.639 --> 00:11:46.600
I have books I want to put
out. I have music going to put

106
00:11:46.600 --> 00:11:52.240
out in audio, dramas and interviews, and I do have a drive that

107
00:11:50.879 --> 00:11:56.159
I have stuff I want to get
out to you, like before I leave

108
00:11:56.200 --> 00:12:00.279
the earth, or something that that
is. That's there also where I come

109
00:12:00.279 --> 00:12:01.440
from. I've always been that way. I like to work. If I'm

110
00:12:01.440 --> 00:12:05.240
going to tell you, I was
always a worker. I've been working.

111
00:12:05.519 --> 00:12:11.960
I've been working for forty years as
I was fifteen years old, and so

112
00:12:13.039 --> 00:12:22.360
that I guess maybe that hasn't change. But I'm I do feel like that's

113
00:12:22.399 --> 00:12:26.840
that sandwich generation that I'm not super
old, I'm not super young. I'm

114
00:12:26.879 --> 00:12:33.879
in the middle somewhere, and I
have the parent above me that I'm helping

115
00:12:33.919 --> 00:12:35.720
out with and I have the children
and grandchildren. I'm looking to you.

116
00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:50.679
So I am somewhere in the middle. But I am feeling things change.

117
00:12:50.440 --> 00:13:03.120
I am feeling it. I'm feeling
I'm feeling the change. I'm feeling less

118
00:13:03.159 --> 00:13:13.159
tolerable to the bullshit. Let's to
be tolerated, the status quo of just

119
00:13:13.279 --> 00:13:16.000
like it's not always is. I'm
tired of that. Also, I speak

120
00:13:16.039 --> 00:13:22.639
out a lot more than I did
before. It's not a lot, just

121
00:13:22.679 --> 00:13:26.440
these are my thoughts. I don't
I don't know. I'm sorry. I

122
00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:31.120
don't have anything succinct and like super
deep to share with you. I tried,

123
00:13:31.159 --> 00:13:33.960
I was thinking about I just couldn't. I want to read some speech

124
00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:41.919
or something to you, guys,
this show is not like that. But

125
00:13:41.960 --> 00:13:45.519
I'll tell you I'm not perfect,
far from it. Don't want to be

126
00:13:45.559 --> 00:13:50.240
perfect, but I do try to
be a good person as well as I

127
00:13:50.279 --> 00:13:52.679
can be. I try, and
I really do. If you're in my

128
00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:56.799
if you're in my life and in
my circle, I do try to give

129
00:13:56.879 --> 00:14:01.200
you all of me. But I
can and that's all we can really do,

130
00:14:01.320 --> 00:14:05.039
right, That's all of you.
Because I'm doing a lot of this

131
00:14:05.240 --> 00:14:09.159
on camera, very interesting. I
have a big dot. I'm like,

132
00:14:09.279 --> 00:14:11.759
I got bit by something. It's
like right here in my face and it

133
00:14:11.840 --> 00:14:16.600
hurts. I'm like great, but
so that goes away. But to me,

134
00:14:16.639 --> 00:14:20.519
it's like, it's like, that's
what happens. Life happens singing,

135
00:14:20.600 --> 00:14:22.559
you know, that's what this is
what it is like. I can't make

136
00:14:22.639 --> 00:14:26.759
up on it, I guess,
but this is life. I'm proud of

137
00:14:26.759 --> 00:14:31.759
a lot of my accomplishments. I
did some really great work. I have

138
00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:35.960
accomplished a lot of things. I'm
very proud of what I've accomplished. My

139
00:14:37.039 --> 00:14:45.279
restume looks good, my life resume
looks good. And I have I just

140
00:14:45.360 --> 00:14:48.879
have dreams and plans. I had
faith always the mainspiration for me, she

141
00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:52.080
says, But I don't stop dreaming. She yes, she's older life,

142
00:14:52.159 --> 00:14:56.480
she has dreams and things I might. I might giving that up. The

143
00:14:56.480 --> 00:15:00.879
things I want to achieve don't get
there a run of time. I have

144
00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:05.919
no idea. I'm gonna try,
and I know I work very hard.

145
00:15:07.200 --> 00:15:13.240
I do. I work very very
hard to give everyone out there content.

146
00:15:18.679 --> 00:15:24.360
You know you'll hear me online pushing
my wares and follow this and do buy

147
00:15:24.360 --> 00:15:28.240
me a coffee and do my Patreon
it. I know it's a lot.

148
00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:33.320
I know it is. It's a
lot, but it's it's what I do.

149
00:15:35.080 --> 00:15:41.279
And again, I give so much. I give so much content out

150
00:15:41.279 --> 00:15:46.519
there that a lot of performers co
creators and I'm dedicated to and I'm dedicating

151
00:15:46.519 --> 00:15:58.240
to you, and it feels good
when it's embraced. Do that, so

152
00:15:58.240 --> 00:16:04.679
I know I'm trying for five May
tenth and thirty five. I made it

153
00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:10.840
and I'm not going into something that's
what I want to do. I made

154
00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:17.879
it. And hy birthday to me
and high birthday to anybody else who has

155
00:16:17.919 --> 00:16:23.080
birthdays on May tenth. There's May
tenth, lunks, why not? That's

156
00:16:23.080 --> 00:16:26.840
all for now. Of course I'm
back in the episodes. Who knows,

157
00:16:26.840 --> 00:16:30.000
we'll talk about at fifty plus,
but we are fifty plus and we're fabulous,

158
00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:37.320
and we are okay, and and
I have more life to live, right