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This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're
listening to kf I am six forty the

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Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on
the iHeartRadio app him six forty. You

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have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.

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I would like to welcome my Instagram
audience. If you'd like to see me

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while I do this segment, you
certainly can just log onto Instagram and the

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handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
After this segment, I am going to

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be taking your calls and if you
have relationship questions, it's time for my

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drive by makeshift relationship advice. But
before we go there, I was talking

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about green flags that are often mistaken
for red flags in relationships and also when

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you're in a relationship. This is
a common common question that I get from

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people. They say, my girlfriend, my boyfriend, my husband, and

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my wife whatever is going through a
really tough time. I'm wondering if they

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have mental health issues, or they're
depressed, or they have anxiety, how

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do I help them? How do
I help them? And usually I say,

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well, you're not their therapist.
Don't forget that, it's not your

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job. I mean, sometimes the
best way to help a partner is to

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say, you know, maybe it's
time you find a license therapist. Right.

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On the other hand, you can
make matters worse by being a bad

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partner and not providing emotional support.
And then comes the question, well,

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what is emotional support. It's very
simple, and I've got a few tips

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for you when your partner is struggling
emotionally, when your partner's going through something,

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this is what you need to do. Number one, It's really simple.

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Listen, really listen, concentrate with
no distractions, eye contact. It's

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so easy to be looking at your
phone and having the TV on and having

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a halfway conversation. They're trying to
tell you something important. I want you

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to focus and give your partner your
full attention. The next thing I want

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you to do. Did you ever
notice lately when you call some of these

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call centers, they've been so well
trained in emotional communication that you tell them

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your problem, whether it's the airline
or the credit card company, or your

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internet not working or whatever. And
then you tell them your problem and then

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they repeat back what they think they
heard. They're like, so, what

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I'm hearing from you is that baby, And I'm like, did they go

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to some emotional coaching? Right?
So that's what you need to do.

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Paraphrase what you just heard and repeat
it back. This is not mocking them.

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This is called active listening. You
know what it does. It validates

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your partner's feelings. Plenty of times
when people are hurting emotionally, they just

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want to be heard. They just
need to know that they're heard, that

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someone is there who understands them and
hears them. And the way we do

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that is by being an active listener. So it starts with something like,

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so what I'm hearing you say is
that? So as I understand it,

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what you're going through? Is this
right? And then just repeat it back

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in your own words. This is
super important. Now. The next thing

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I want you to do is ask
them what they want from you, Not

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like I don't you know? Well, what do you want me to do?

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Not like that, that's sarcastic.
I mean something like, would you

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prefer me to listen right now?
Or would you like me to offer some

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solutions in a soft, gentle voice. Would you prefer me to listen right

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now? Or should I offer some
solutions? I don't like to begender on

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things. However, it's more likely, because men tend to be more action

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oriented, that they're going to be
busy problem solving and offering solutions. And

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gentlemen, we usually don't want you
to do that. You know what we

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want you to do. We want
you to listen and see us and hear

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us and mirror us. I also
want to remind you to take their problem

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seriously. There's no I mean I
have had relationships where I've come home from

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a bad day at work and I'm
you know, went on and on about

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this happened and that happened on my
boss, this and that, and my

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partner said, yeah, well you
know what happens to me, like they

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get in a competition, like in
other words, they have a worse life.

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No, no, no, that's
not the thing to do. Or

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they laugh, they go it's not
that bad. Happens all the time.

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I don't know why you're stressing over
this. That feels so dismissive, especially

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to someone like me who had kind
of an anxious attachment style. If someone

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said, I don't know why you're
overthinking this. I don't know why you're

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stressing about this. Is not that
big of a deal. No, take

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their problems. Seriously, your partner's
problems are serious to that they're big to

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them. Also offer affection. I
said earlier that story. I knew that

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I was in love with my boyfriend
Julio the first time we had a fight,

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when I was very honest and told
him because he was mad at me

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for something that I had a running
feeling in my stomach, and rather than

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him making a joke or dismissing my
feelings, he stood up and came towards

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me and he touched my shoulders.
He goes, no, No, it's

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not that big of a deal.
Affection touch, hold their hand, hug

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them, touched their arm, to
let them know when they're having an emotional

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experience that you're connected to them.
Literally, it relieves I can't tell you

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how much emotional pain gets relieved just
by a little bit of touch, just

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by knowing that somebody's in the trenches
with you. Here's the story. Last

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week, I was on an airplane. It was a very short flight.

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I was on the aisle seat,
and sitting across in the other aisle seat

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was a woman who was actually flying
to Los Angeles to visit I'm specialist doctors

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as seater Signai hospital, and she
was hooked up to some kind of belt

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that had some kind of medication in
it, and she had an IVY in

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her arm. I didn't know if
she was having chemotherapy. I didn't know,

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not my business, right, but
at a certain point her little energy

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belt there and the box started making
very loud beeping sounds and she's frantic and

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she's pulling it out of its pouch
and she's trying to read it and press

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buttons and she's checking the connections,
she's looking for links, and the flight

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attendant goes by, and the flight
evan does nothing. I mean, she's

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got a frigging body alarm going off
and nobody's doing anything. So I leaned

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over and I just touched her forearm, not the arm that had the IVY,

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the other one, and I said, do you need any assistance?

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And she looked at me and said, oh, do you know about ivs?

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And I said, no, I
know nothing about them, but it

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looks like you just need a buddy
right now, and I have two extra

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hands if you need to help me
unravel something. Anyway, she starts to

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tell me about her medical condition,
what was going on. She got the

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beeping to stop. She just needed
to be seen and heard during a moment

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of stress. That's all people need
in a moment of dress and we ignore

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like, oh, I don't know
nothing's going on, I don't see anything.

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We do it in our love relationships
too, Right, if your partner

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is having a hard time emotionally,
please do something nice for them. Pick

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up their dry cleaning for them,
run another kind of air and stock the

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fridge, cook something for them,
Buy them flowers. Literally, a gesture

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can mean all the world to somebody
who's going through a hard time. Just

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a gesture, some little flowers.
Right. I do not expect you to,

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nor what I ever suggest that you
become your partner's therapist. But sometimes

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if you simply offer them love,
just say I'm here for you, I'm

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not going anywhere, I love you, We're in this together, can be

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very calming to the person who's having
some emotional stress. Right. And also

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this is really important. So you've
had this emotional conversation, you've done your

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active listening, you paraphrase back to
them what you think that you heard.

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You let them know you're there for
them. Again. You're not analyzing them,

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and you're not being their therapist,
just being supportive. Now, check

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back in with them in a day
or two. Don't let this be water

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under the bridge. Go hey,
how's that issue going, how you're feeling

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now? I just want to check
back in to see how you're doing.

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This is really important that you bring
it up again, because they might be

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too embarrassed to bring it up again, whatever this difficult situation is for them.

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Here's what you shouldn't do. We
all do it sometimes, okay,

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But when your partners having emotion distress, don't dismiss their feelings. Don't say

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it's not a big deal. Don't
say cheer up. Don't try to be

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the worst. Oh, this is
the worst. Some people their own coping

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mechanism because they feel upset when their
partners upset, so they've been taught to

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express I call it toxic positivity.
They get happier, thinking it'll be contagious

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and the other person will catch the
happy feelings and then therefore everything will be

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okay. And so when somebody is
feeling sad or angry or afraid or ashamed,

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the last thing you want to do
is to have a happy gesture beside

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you, because then you feel worse
In comparison. You want somebody to go,

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oh gosh, I'm so sorry you're
going through that. Also, don't

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try to solve their problems for them. That's not your job right not to.

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And also, don't analyze them.
You can politely suggest that they see

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a therapist and talk to somebody else
about this. I mean, give them

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the love and support before you say
that. Don't just say I don't want

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to hear it, oh doctor therapist. Give them love, support and listen,

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but don't analyze them. All right, when we come back, I

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am taking your calls from my drive
by makeshift relationship Advice. A reminder.

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I'm not a therapist. I'm a
psychology professor, but I'm in around and

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I got some life wisdom for you. I've written three books on relationships.

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My dissertation was on attachment theory,
and I'm happy to weigh in on your

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love life. The telephone number is
one eight hundred five two zero one five

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three four. That's one eight hundred
five two zero one KFI. You're listening

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to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on
kf I Am six forty. We're live

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everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're
listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from

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kf I am six forty, Ay, am six forty. You have doctor

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Wendy Walsh with you. This is
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'm taking

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your calls from my drive by makeshift
relationship Advice. I'm a psychology professor,

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but I've written three books on relationships
and did a dissertation on attachment theory.

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Be honored to weigh in with my
life's wisdom. Who do we have?

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Producer Kayla, we have Melissa with
the question Melissa. Hi, Melissa,

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it's doctor Wendy. Hi. Hi, what's your question? Love? Yes,

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So I am dating and I go
on a lot of dates, but

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I don't really connect with the guys
that they seem interested. But then I

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just recently connected with one and we
there's chemistry. We're both liking each other.

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But now I can catch I catch
myself getting scared. How fast you

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go? How slow do you go? I feel like a turtle that goes

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back in the shelf. But but
I okay, Melissa, this is very,

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very normal at the beginning of a
relationship where you feel you have chemistry

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with somebody and then you're like,
how fast do I go, How slow

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do I go? What do I
do? You can't really hold the clutch

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for very long, Okay, But
what a healthy person does is they learn

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to self regulate, meaning that when
you have those feelings, you describe them

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as being scared. You use the
language with your partner. You say,

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you know, I'm really falling for
you, but I'm feeling a little bit

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scared. This is a very common
thing, and it's a compliment because you're

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like, I don't know what I'm
falling into here, I don't even know

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who you are, And don't be
afraid to take it slowly. But the

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most important thing is that all the
feelings you're feeling express them to your partner,

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because that's how you build intimacy.
Don't listen to rules rules that say,

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you know, you shouldn't be boyfriend
and girls until this many months,

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you shouldn't have sex until this many
weeks. You shouldn't forget about all that.

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It's about intimacy and growing that secure
attachment. And that means all those

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feelings that you're sharing with me,
I want you to share with your partner.

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And if his reaction isn't sort of
welcoming, if you don't feel reciprocation,

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then you know to move on,
right, But I think just being

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honest from the beginning, Hey,
I'm falling for you, but I'm really

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scared here. And see what they
say. If he says, well,

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let's cool it, chick, I
wasn't going there then, you know,

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right, But if he if he
said, I have the same feelings,

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then you're building intimacy is a good
thing, Melissa, It's normal. Okay,

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So that makes sense. That makes
a lot of sense, especially you're

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saying how he responds because my last
relationship he was emotionally unavailable, right,

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so you have a little more anxiety, yeah, because of his last experience.

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Yeah, so just say that.
You know, I said it to

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my Julio when I met. I'm
like, oh, you should know.

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I have a little bit of abandonment
issues. You know what he did to

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me, Melissa. One time we
were only dating a few weeks and he

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was in Miami and he was supposed
to come back I don't know, the

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next day or something, but he
changed his flight and he came back a

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day early. But he never told
me. So he called me the next

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day and as we're chatting, he
said, oh, no, I'm in

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La already and I'm like what And
it deregulated me so much because I thought

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you didn't even tell me. And
I'm talking to him and he's in my

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own city and he didn't tell me
where he was, like my locator was

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off. And I just said to
him, look, I have abandonment issues.

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I need to know where you are
at all times. Are you okay

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with that? He laughed, He
said, you are so cute. Sure,

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And then he said, why don't
I just put location services on my

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phones? You can see where I
am. I'm like, what, I

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don't let me seeing him a few
weeks? Isn't that nice? So there

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you go. You tell him your
feelings and then you get somebody who is

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comforting and the one who isn't comforting. This is the important part you have

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to move away from, right.
There's nothing wrong with you for being honest

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about your feelings. You just move
away from them. But thank you for

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calling, Melissa. I really appreciate
the call. Okay, Producer, Kayla,

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who do we have next? Do
you have Danielle with the question Danielle

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Danielle or Danielle Danielle? Yes?
Hi? Did I say it right?

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Yes? Thank you? Yes,
Danielle, are you got it right?

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What's your question? Love? All
right? Actually the question comes from my

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son. He is eleven years old. I've been divorced four years and I've

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been in a relationship with someone that
fell in love with us. We fell

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in love with him, we became
very close and a lot of the same

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patterns from the same marriage, from
my previous marriage, with alcohol and anger

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and being absent emotionally. But we're
now so close to the second person.

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How do we move on when we
all love mister John so much, but

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we know it's not the health relationship. Yeah, so so trust me.

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Kids, know when you said this
is a question from your son. Your

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son knows that this is not a
good person. This your son knows that

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this person is struggling, and yet
you have an attachment to them. I

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think you need to tell your son, you know what, you always come

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first in my life, and your
happiness and your future is more important to

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me than anybody else. So I'm
going to put you first and we're going

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to move on. And that's where
and you'll find other surrogate allow parents,

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coaches, teachers, pastors, other
people in the community who your son can

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look up to But if you see
those patterns and when I hear drugs and

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alcohol involved, this is not a
healthy nest for a kid to be around.

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Okay, so I want you to
be strong and be honest with your

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kid. Say you come first.
I love you. Thank you so much

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for calling Daniella. That's heartbreaking.
Producer, Kayla, do we have someone

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else? Or should go to stars? Nelson with a question? Nelson,

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Hi Nelson, it's doctor Wendy.
How are you hidy? How are you

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today? I allow you're almost Lisa
a Sunday on the weekend too, biblight

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for and you and your family with
you? My question? Thank you.

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I have friends all fame. I
walk in on a housepital I said,

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go on every team. But my
question is why do people man hungry,

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sad and crying? I feel people
like, come on, let's speak nobody

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and like I'm a example, like
I'm on you let speak somebody in your

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job. But you just speak so
the first of about me? Help hop

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or it's something wrong for the people. I don't understand. Um, I'm

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so sorry. I wish I could
understand your accent. So you're asking me

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about why men do what at work? Did you say cry? Nor?

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Why are they so emotional? Sometimes
they come in they're happy, they're sad,

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they're angry. He doesn't know why. Every day it's a different emotion,

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and he wants to know how to
deal with particularly man you work with

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women. Yeah, he's that man. Well, then you need to ask

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him. You need to ask people
what's going on with you? What's happening?

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This is not your normal way of
being. I think you just need

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to ask them. There's no one
right answer for this. This is just

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the way people are bringing their emotions. And maybe they feel safe bringing their

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emotions to you, Nelson. Maybe
they feel like they is a safe place

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for them to express I don't know. It's a good question, though.

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I'm curious to know who comes into
work mad, people who hate their jobs.

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Maybe all right, do a time
for one more as we go to

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break. We gotta break. Okay, We're gonna go to break. When

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we come back, I'm going to
continue to take your calls and go to

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social media and answer some of your
dms. The number is one eight hundred

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five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero

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one k five. You're listening to
doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KF.

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I am six forty kym or do
you have doctor Wendy Walsh with you?

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This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I am taking your calls with your

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relationship questions. Reminder, I'm not
a therapist. I'm a psychology professor,

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but I'm happy to wait in with
my wisdom on your love life. Producer,

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Kayla, do we have somebody on
the line. I'm still screening,

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left, I'm still screening, okay
for the number is one eight hundred five

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two zero one KFI. I do
have a lot of dms coming in on

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social media, so let me read
a couple of them. Here. Dear

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Doctor Wendy, my husband left me
after five months for a mistake I made.

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She didn't say what the mistake was. I feel like I failed him

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and our relationship. Maybe he won't
even talk to me. He has not

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filed for divorce, but I don't
know where we stand. How can we

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figure this out? Well, it's
really hard to have a relationship with somebody

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who's not talking to you. So
that's the first thing is you have to

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actually get them to engage with you
in some way, so you need to

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be able to say to them,
hey, are we going to therapy,

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you know, and also in a
way of like, I made a mistake

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and I'm looking for your forgiveness and
I want to find a way to work

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it out. If he continues to
give you the silent treatment, then he's,

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you know, trying to punish you, or he doesn't know how to

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manage his own feelings about everything that's
going on. I would give him time,

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but you might want to enter therapy
yourself, because I'm sure this is

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bringing up a lot, a lot
of painful feelings. I have to tell

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you back in the day when I
was single and I had a kind of

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anxious attachment style and people wouldn't call
me back or give me the silent treatment

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or whatever. It hurt like.
I can't begin to tell you how much

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it hurt. It hurt as much
as a physical pain. It really did.

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It's awful, So I know what
it feels like, and especially because

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it's sort of combined with all those
feelings of shame and guilt because of the

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whatever mistake you made. I'm not
sure what it is, Dear doctor Wendy.

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I recently found out that my girlfriend
comes from a really really that's two

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really's really really rich family. She
never told me. Good Now I feel

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insecure being with her. Oh lord, really, I feel like she didn't

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tell me because she doesn't think I'm
good enough. Challenge that thought. I

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don't want to break up, but
being with her makes me feel insecure.

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What can I do? Okay,
this is your problem, not hers.

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Okay, you have a girlfriend who
did not disclose the money her family has.

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Because I'll tell you why, it
makes many men, in particular runaway.

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You know, there's research out there
to show that when men make more

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money or have more money, they're
much more attractive to female mates. However,

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with women, it's the opposite.
When women earn more money, men

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feel insecure and get like move away
sometimes, and the same with it.

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If you think, like you know, she's got this really wealthy family,

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I want you to work on yourself
a scene. It's not like she Okay,

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The reason why she didn't tell you
is not because she doesn't think you're

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good She wouldn't be dating you if
she didn't think you were good enough.

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She just doesn't want that family money
to get in the way of building a

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normal relationship and a normal love.
Life. You have no idea. I

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mean, I don't want to sit
here and talk about the plight of the

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poor, trust fundus, the plight
of the rich people. There's poor children

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with all that money, but they
really have a hard time finding healthy mates

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because they get targeted by people who
want money and want their money or want

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to get close to their family or
their connections. So they don't they hide

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it so they can just be seen
for them. I think you should treat

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your girlfriend the way you always treated
your girlfriend. It's just a wonderful person

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and you need to work on your
self esteem, maybe even with a therapist.

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Okay, here's another question that just
came in. And by the way,

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I am live on TikTok right now. If you'd like to come on

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00:22:52.400 --> 00:22:56.480
to TikTok and say hello to me, you certainly can. The handle everywhere

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is at doctor Wendy Walsh at are
Wendy Walsh, and while we're live on

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TikTok, I also want to mention
that if you want to come over to

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my patreon, I do a live
Zoom Room Zoom Room every Wednesday night and

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we talk about it's kind of like
I always say, it's like a book

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00:23:11.279 --> 00:23:17.000
club without the book. We talk
about the latest and scientific research on relationships.

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We talk about relationship skills. People
do disclose some of their personal stuff

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and the group sometimes ways in.
But it's not therapy. It's just a

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wonderful community of relationship enthusiasts. So
if you want to join that, it's

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patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Welsh. Okay, let me go back to

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social media. I see there's a
question, Dear doctor Wendy. I think

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I'm bisexual. I come from a
very religious and strict family, and I'm

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not sure how to tell them.
What do you suggest? Well, I

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have a few things to say.
First of all, I know I'm going

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to get all those crazy, evil
emails from every side of the spectrum.

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Evolutionary psychologist would say that every single
human being is bisexual. Calm down,

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not necessarily in behavior, not necessarily
in this life and this time. But

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we are all wired because sex is
used for many more things than just reproduction.

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We are wired to seek closeness and
affection and even sexual contact. And

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sometimes in our evolutionary past, we
were in a mating marketplace where there weren't

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enough mates to go around. Right
now, for instance, we have an

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oversupply in America of successful women.
The feminization of college campuses has been going

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on for a few decades. For
every two guys that graduate college, there

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are three women. And this has
been going on for a long time.

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Women, young women are starting to
make more money than their male counterparts.

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There are plenty of women, sadly
who still have their own Cinderella complex,

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who would rather date another successful women
than a less successful man. I don't

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necessarily condone this, and so as
a result, when you have an oversupply

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of one gender innimating marketplace in this
case, I can comically successful women,

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00:25:00.680 --> 00:25:07.200
then you're going to see bisexual behave. You're much more condoned and accepted in

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the culture. But I digress.
So first of all, you also said

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I think I'm bisexual. You won't
know until you experiment. Almost everybody goes

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through a period of experimentation in their
life. I don't think rushing to tell

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your family is the thing to do. They don't need to know about your

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sex life necessarily. I mean it'll
be different if you find a primary,

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secure love relationship, and you know
relationships are bridge between tribes and you want

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00:25:33.640 --> 00:25:37.640
to introduce them to your mate,
great, They don't need to hear about

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00:25:37.640 --> 00:25:42.240
your experimentation. Just go be you, be real, and don't turn this

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into a big problem before it's a
problem. It's okay, and we're all

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we're all just people. We're all
just finding ways to stay connected and to

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love each other. And good luck
to you. Always breaks my heart when

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I get those calls. All right, when we come back, are you

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00:26:00.880 --> 00:26:06.200
being micro ghosted? Micro ghosted?
It's actually different than red crumbing. I

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00:26:06.279 --> 00:26:08.720
know all these new terms. I'll
explain when we come back. You are

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00:26:08.759 --> 00:26:12.240
listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show
and kf I Am six forty. We're

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00:26:12.279 --> 00:26:18.119
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio Act.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand

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00:26:18.400 --> 00:26:23.400
from kf I Am sixty I Am
six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh

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00:26:23.440 --> 00:26:27.480
with you. This is the home
stretch of the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.

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Producer Kayla, have you ever been
ghosted? Um? I don't think so,

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00:26:34.279 --> 00:26:38.839
not that I can remember. I
don't think so. I'm lucky you

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yea yeah one time, yes,
ma'am. And so wait first, Kayla,

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so what happened? Like how cloaks
were you when you got ghosted.

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I just met the guy and we
were supposed to go on some date somewhere

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when I first moved here, and
then he just stopped responding to me.

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Oh yeah, I can't remember.
What did I feel like? It didn't

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feel great. It didn't feel great. He was my plans for the day,

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and I was like, I guess
I'm just going to chill in the

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house, because there's more than a
plan. Don't you take it like totally

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personally? Like I didn't know him
well enough to take it personally personally,

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but I was like, oh,
man, Christina, what about you?

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Well, doctor Minnie, I have
the same attachment style as you. I

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took it very personally. We were
on like date four or five, and

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I just I could not understand.
I couldn't comprehend. We don't have to

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00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:26.359
answer this, but had you had
sex? We had not? Okay,

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00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:30.400
thank goodness, because that's the worst. Right. They court up until the

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00:27:30.440 --> 00:27:37.000
sex and then they ghost like nothing
more painful. I've even told people that

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before the first time I have sex, I'm like, I fully expect flowers.

382
00:27:40.640 --> 00:27:44.000
I expect you to sleep over,
I expect you to call tomorrow check

383
00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:47.440
in with me. I'd give them
a whole owner's manual of how to deal

384
00:27:47.480 --> 00:27:51.039
with me after they've had sex for
the first time. I was ghosted one

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00:27:51.079 --> 00:27:56.960
time, and it was a terrible
ghosting because I went on one date with

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a guy, this obviously before I
met Julio, and it went okay,

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00:28:00.519 --> 00:28:03.279
Like it wasn't like huge sparks.
It went okay. And then there was

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00:28:03.319 --> 00:28:06.960
a whole bunch of texting back and
forth, and I, you know,

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00:28:07.000 --> 00:28:07.880
I was just tracking, you know, when you're looking at text and you're

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00:28:07.920 --> 00:28:11.519
busy doing other things. And maybe
I said something I don't know in the

391
00:28:11.559 --> 00:28:15.519
text, and he wrote rude and
sent one of those little gifts like you're

392
00:28:15.559 --> 00:28:18.640
being rude or something, and I
didn't know what he was talking about.

393
00:28:18.640 --> 00:28:21.920
I just kind of moved on with
it didn't matter. So like a week

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00:28:22.039 --> 00:28:22.799
later, he texts me and says, oh, you want to get together

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00:28:22.839 --> 00:28:26.839
for dinner at this place whatever?
And I'm like, go sure. So

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00:28:26.000 --> 00:28:29.559
he goes, I'll come to your
neighborhood. You name the restaurant I do.

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00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:33.640
So I get dressed up, I
walk over to the restaurant and he

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00:28:33.680 --> 00:28:40.799
does not show up. He literally
leaves me alone in a restaurant. This

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00:28:40.839 --> 00:28:44.880
is not decades ago. This is
fairly recently, right before I met Julio.

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00:28:45.720 --> 00:28:49.480
So you know, I am one
to make lemonade at Lemons. The

401
00:28:49.839 --> 00:28:53.799
owner chef was at the bar,
so ISAAIH can I move? I was

402
00:28:53.839 --> 00:28:57.559
at a two top table. I
said, oh, my companion is unable

403
00:28:57.599 --> 00:29:02.079
to make it to night. He
had a last minut cancel. Could we

404
00:29:03.000 --> 00:29:04.799
could I just sit up at the
bar and they said sure. So I

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00:29:04.839 --> 00:29:07.640
sat at the bar. I ordered
dinner. I know most people would leave

406
00:29:07.680 --> 00:29:11.200
the restaurant with their tail between their
legs. Not I. I am going

407
00:29:11.240 --> 00:29:15.440
out high. I sit at the
bar. I introduced myself. I tell

408
00:29:15.559 --> 00:29:18.079
the owner chef, bartender, you
know, I just got stood up.

409
00:29:18.119 --> 00:29:21.960
He's like you, that's impossible.
Oh my god. So he ends up

410
00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:26.160
pouring me all kinds of free wine. I'm tasting all his foods. I'm

411
00:29:26.160 --> 00:29:29.200
talking to the guy next to me
at the bar, and they're all commiserating

412
00:29:29.240 --> 00:29:30.720
with me, like I can't believe
it. It turned out to be one

413
00:29:30.720 --> 00:29:34.160
of the best nights I had.
Such a night. So anyway, I

414
00:29:34.200 --> 00:29:37.799
was worried because when you have an
anxious attachment style and somebody ghosts you,

415
00:29:37.799 --> 00:29:41.720
you can only imagine one thing.
One thing, Christina, did you know

416
00:29:41.799 --> 00:29:45.240
what that thing is? That we
imagine where'd they go? They fell into

417
00:29:45.279 --> 00:29:49.200
a wood chipper. They died exactly
exactly they died. That is all we

418
00:29:49.240 --> 00:29:52.680
can imagine is they died. So
I was actually worried about it. I

419
00:29:52.720 --> 00:29:56.039
sent a few texts like are you
okay, I'm a little worried aboutever nothing,

420
00:29:56.079 --> 00:29:57.400
and I'm like, he must be
dead, that's it. And then

421
00:29:57.680 --> 00:30:02.920
one night, like a week or
so later, I'm having dinner with my

422
00:30:03.480 --> 00:30:06.319
I think my daughter was like eighteen
at the time, with her no,

423
00:30:06.599 --> 00:30:11.079
seventeen with her seven the teenagers high
school, and I'm telling and she's like,

424
00:30:11.119 --> 00:30:14.759
my mom got completely stood up.
I'm like, you're kidding him,

425
00:30:14.799 --> 00:30:17.160
And all the girls were like and
then one of the girls is like,

426
00:30:17.559 --> 00:30:18.559
let me just call him, call
him, let me call him for my

427
00:30:18.599 --> 00:30:22.640
phone. And I'm like, what, you're gonna call him? So she

428
00:30:22.799 --> 00:30:29.680
calls him and he answers and she
says is this so and so says his

429
00:30:29.799 --> 00:30:33.319
name, and he says, yes, who's this? And she just says

430
00:30:33.960 --> 00:30:37.079
you should be so ashamed of yourself
and hung up at him and then blocked

431
00:30:37.119 --> 00:30:41.359
him. I'm like, these teenagers, these teenagers out there to protect me

432
00:30:42.039 --> 00:30:48.880
anyway. That was a story of
true ghosting. But another thing that's happening

433
00:30:48.880 --> 00:30:57.400
in our culture is something called micro
ghosting. Now, micro ghosting is where

434
00:30:57.559 --> 00:31:03.799
they just kind of take a little
longer to respond to those texts. When

435
00:31:03.799 --> 00:31:07.880
you call, they don't call back, they text. They just take their

436
00:31:07.920 --> 00:31:14.519
sweet old time and you can feel
the distance. Right now, there's another

437
00:31:14.559 --> 00:31:17.359
trend in dating. I love these
funny names. I don't know who makes

438
00:31:17.440 --> 00:31:22.000
up these names called breadcrumbing. Now, breadcrumbing is a little it looks very

439
00:31:22.039 --> 00:31:29.640
similar right, inconsistent contact, mostly
texting, except breadcrumbing is designed to bring

440
00:31:29.839 --> 00:31:32.279
to reel you in, bring you
closer. Let me just throw her a

441
00:31:32.319 --> 00:31:34.319
little bit of bait so she doesn't
go away, because I want to keep

442
00:31:34.359 --> 00:31:38.960
her as a backup mate. I
got my little harem here. I'm going

443
00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:42.160
to breadcrumb this one. Shoot or
a text everyone as well. Do some

444
00:31:42.319 --> 00:31:45.480
likes on her Instagram posts, be
kind of like oh yeah, you know,

445
00:31:45.559 --> 00:31:49.200
just to make sure that she hasn't
dropped off and that if I ever

446
00:31:49.400 --> 00:31:55.799
needed to reach out that direction,
she'd be there. That's breadcrumbing. Micro

447
00:31:55.920 --> 00:32:00.960
ghosting is, you know, Oh, I don't even know, if this

448
00:32:01.000 --> 00:32:07.880
relationship is right, maybe I should
get out of it. They're just unsure

449
00:32:07.079 --> 00:32:14.440
about the relationship right, and so
they really are slowly moving away. Now,

450
00:32:15.160 --> 00:32:19.119
this also happened to me once.
That's that video I put on Instagram.

451
00:32:19.200 --> 00:32:22.359
They got like three million views and
it was just a story that I

452
00:32:22.440 --> 00:32:27.319
was telling, but it got a
lot of views. And so I had

453
00:32:27.359 --> 00:32:31.039
been dating this guy for not that
long. I want to say, Oh

454
00:32:31.119 --> 00:32:37.240
God, three four weeks or something, and something shifted. It could have

455
00:32:37.240 --> 00:32:42.359
been something I said again, I
say things that us upset people. Something

456
00:32:42.400 --> 00:32:45.559
I said, so whatever, something
else going on his life. I don't

457
00:32:45.559 --> 00:32:50.640
know, but I felt the distance
starting, taking a little longer to respond

458
00:32:50.680 --> 00:32:54.920
to my text texting instead of calling, not having a next date on the

459
00:32:54.960 --> 00:33:01.000
calendar, I could just feel it. So instead I called. He happened

460
00:33:01.039 --> 00:33:04.799
to pick up, which was a
miracle, and I just said hey,

461
00:33:05.279 --> 00:33:08.039
I just commented on the elephant of
the living room. I was like,

462
00:33:08.119 --> 00:33:12.799
hey, I'm noticing, like we
kind My favorite line is we kind of

463
00:33:12.799 --> 00:33:16.160
lost our rhythm. We lost our
rhythm there, and I'm wondering why.

464
00:33:16.920 --> 00:33:22.000
Just as I said it like that, and he hummed and hot and kind

465
00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:23.519
of said something yeah, I noticed
that I don't really know why either,

466
00:33:23.880 --> 00:33:30.400
and I said, cool, goodbye, darling. No worries. Now,

467
00:33:30.279 --> 00:33:35.920
this doesn't mean that I didn't feel
lost. This doesn't mean that I didn't

468
00:33:35.920 --> 00:33:38.160
feel sad. In fact, I
had a little boohoo in the shower.

469
00:33:38.240 --> 00:33:45.519
I was sad, right, But
I knew to cut things off because I

470
00:33:45.559 --> 00:33:51.480
was not going to go down that
road of being stringed along by anybody ever

471
00:33:51.640 --> 00:33:54.519
again. And when I first gave
him the opportunity to say, oh,

472
00:33:54.519 --> 00:33:58.279
no, I'm sorry, I've just
been busy working. Let's definitely make up

473
00:33:58.400 --> 00:34:00.400
for it. Let's get together Fried, he didn't that he was homin and

474
00:34:00.480 --> 00:34:06.920
han. I had all the information
I needed by just being direct. So

475
00:34:06.960 --> 00:34:09.719
if you feel yourself being micro ghosted, don't do what many girls do,

476
00:34:09.760 --> 00:34:14.119
which is say I'm putting gender on
it, because more often happens with guys

477
00:34:14.119 --> 00:34:16.559
do it to women. Don't like
start to act like the perfect person and

478
00:34:16.599 --> 00:34:22.480
put more provocative house on Instagram or
contry to contact him more, or reel

479
00:34:22.559 --> 00:34:25.280
him in and breadcrumb him in some
way. Just comment on it, and

480
00:34:25.360 --> 00:34:29.039
if you don't get the answer you
want, move along. That's what I

481
00:34:29.079 --> 00:34:32.840
say, all right, That brings
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show to a close.

482
00:34:34.280 --> 00:34:37.440
You can find me every Sunday from
seven to nine pm right here on

483
00:34:37.559 --> 00:34:39.880
KFI AM six forty. I'm also
on social media everywhere. The handle is

484
00:34:39.960 --> 00:34:45.079
at doctor Wendy Walsh and I have
a wonderful group on Patreon on Wednesday nights.

485
00:34:45.079 --> 00:34:49.920
You're welcome to join patreon dot com
slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Kayla Christina

486
00:34:50.079 --> 00:34:53.320
raoul Mark. Wonderful to have you
guys again. We will see you next

487
00:34:53.360 --> 00:34:57.800
week right here at seven o'clock.
You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh

488
00:34:57.800 --> 00:35:01.440
Show on kf I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

489
00:35:04.280 --> 00:35:07.039
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live

490
00:35:07.079 --> 00:35:10.400
on k five AM six forty from
seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime

491
00:35:10.400 --> 00:35:13.599
on demand on the iHeartRadio app