WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.160 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the 2 00:00:04.200 --> 00:00:09.480 Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. 3 00:00:09.640 --> 00:00:12.279 You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. 4 00:00:12.279 --> 00:00:16.039 I'd like to welcome now my Instagram audience. You are now in the 5 00:00:16.120 --> 00:00:20.600 studio with us on Instagram. I'm about to take people's calls. The number 6 00:00:20.679 --> 00:00:24.640 is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight 7 00:00:24.760 --> 00:00:29.000 hundred and five two zero one KFI. Give us a call. Producer Kayla 8 00:00:29.039 --> 00:00:33.880 will screen the call and if you have a relationship question. Reminder to everybody, 9 00:00:34.079 --> 00:00:37.119 I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I have written 10 00:00:37.159 --> 00:00:41.159 three books on relationships and my dissertation was on attachment theory and hey, for 11 00:00:41.200 --> 00:00:45.039 what it's worth, let me weigh in on your love life. All right. 12 00:00:45.079 --> 00:00:49.240 The number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. 13 00:00:49.479 --> 00:00:51.840 Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have on the line. We have 14 00:00:51.920 --> 00:00:55.479 Steve with the question. Steve. Hello, Steve, it's doctor Wendy. 15 00:00:56.880 --> 00:01:00.200 Well. Hi Dot to Wendy. I'm a huge fan and a huge and 16 00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:04.519 how nice here I am? I'm glad. Okay, yeah, well this 17 00:01:04.599 --> 00:01:08.760 is the thing. I'm financially independent. I'm sixty years old and I met 18 00:01:08.760 --> 00:01:12.319 a wonderful woman on bumble like you did. Oh nice, I'm been a 19 00:01:12.359 --> 00:01:19.599 man and six weeks in si relationship things were going great. I have a 20 00:01:19.640 --> 00:01:23.079 second home on Ogrean Coast and I invite her there and then as a blue 21 00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:30.000 she just decided that we were incompatible and she just blocked me on everything. 22 00:01:30.159 --> 00:01:33.840 And then I tried to reach out to her and that was a bad idea 23 00:01:33.879 --> 00:01:37.079 and then she was firing, like you know it was. There's no way 24 00:01:37.120 --> 00:01:40.640 to connectle with her, so I had no closure. And it's just awful. 25 00:01:41.120 --> 00:01:42.920 Steve. I know, first of all, I have twenty girlfriends who 26 00:01:42.920 --> 00:01:46.319 want to fix you up with Let me just say that right now. You 27 00:01:46.359 --> 00:01:49.120 fit the profile of everybody I know. So let me just say this. 28 00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:55.319 So, Steve, you described yourself as being sixty financially independent, You met 29 00:01:55.319 --> 00:01:57.400 this great woman, you go out for six weeks, and all of a 30 00:01:57.439 --> 00:02:01.200 sudden she goes to you and she didn't give you any closure or any information. 31 00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:06.760 I want everyone to hear this, because no matter who you are or 32 00:02:06.799 --> 00:02:13.159 how old you are. Being ghosted is so injurious because you're left wondering was 33 00:02:13.199 --> 00:02:16.080 it something I said? And Steve, if it's any consolation, it's happened 34 00:02:16.120 --> 00:02:22.159 to me many times. Okay, like people just they don't have the emotional 35 00:02:22.879 --> 00:02:29.400 intelligence, the emotional strength to be able to talk about what's really going on. 36 00:02:29.960 --> 00:02:31.919 So I want you the first thing I want you to do, Steve, 37 00:02:32.080 --> 00:02:38.639 to help heal yourself in this sense is just tell yourself that you dodged 38 00:02:38.639 --> 00:02:42.560 a bullet, because being in a relationship with somebody who can't talk about their 39 00:02:42.560 --> 00:02:46.080 feelings is never good, right, So you should be doing the touchdown cheer 40 00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:51.000 that she took off instead of dragged you through the mud for a long time. 41 00:02:51.400 --> 00:02:54.479 And also, when you're feeling at a loss, surround yourself by people 42 00:02:54.479 --> 00:02:58.520 who do love you, your family, your friends, your colleagues, so 43 00:02:58.599 --> 00:03:01.719 you can get your mojo back and remember who you are. By the way, 44 00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:06.840 did she you said you reached out and contacted her, Did she give 45 00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:13.120 you any or was she kind of rude and cryptic? She just very quickly 46 00:03:13.240 --> 00:03:15.680 said, you know we're not compatible, you know, you know, we 47 00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:19.800 just not not on the same page, And I'm like, we have a 48 00:03:19.879 --> 00:03:23.680 great time together. I mean, we had fantastic dates and you were, 49 00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:27.360 you know, getting kissing on me and you know, and then we waited 50 00:03:27.400 --> 00:03:30.840 to have sex like a month, which is so you had already entered into 51 00:03:30.840 --> 00:03:38.080 a sexual relationship and she disappeared interesting. Yeah, and she hadn't orgasm, 52 00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:42.199 yeah, and you felt there was a good experience for her. So there's 53 00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:47.680 something like a bad sexual incompatibility. So it's just a bummer. And now 54 00:03:47.719 --> 00:03:50.719 I'm thinking, you know, I don't know I how you want to go 55 00:03:50.800 --> 00:03:53.199 back on it? You do have to, And let me tell you this 56 00:03:53.919 --> 00:04:00.319 that finding a great mate is a little bit of an endurance test to go 57 00:04:00.360 --> 00:04:02.840 through a bunch of bad mates to get there. If you look back and 58 00:04:02.919 --> 00:04:08.800 assess what happened in order to preserve yourself, is there anything you would have 59 00:04:08.879 --> 00:04:14.080 done to slow things down? Is there anything that you could do next time? 60 00:04:15.800 --> 00:04:18.360 Use it for what you could do in the future. But Steve, 61 00:04:18.480 --> 00:04:23.199 get on back there and send me a DM. I got some girlfriends, 62 00:04:23.319 --> 00:04:26.199 but would love to meet you, all right, Producer, Kayla, who 63 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:30.480 do we have next? We have Jordan? Jordan Jordan, Hello, Jordan, 64 00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:34.199 It's doctor Wendy Hey, how you doing, Doc? Good? Hey 65 00:04:34.279 --> 00:04:36.920 Jordan, I just want to say really quick to my Instagram audience who are 66 00:04:36.920 --> 00:04:40.680 watching, they're only hearing one half of the conversation. I do try to 67 00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:43.720 repeat the question, but if you do want to hear both sides, download 68 00:04:43.759 --> 00:04:46.519 the iHeartRadio app and then you can hear both on the Doctor Wendy Well Show. 69 00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:48.720 Okay, Jordan, go ahead, what's your question? Love? Yeah? 70 00:04:48.879 --> 00:04:54.000 So I have been loving and listening to this for a great advice and 71 00:04:54.040 --> 00:04:59.439 as I get back into dating for myself, I started entertaining a young lady 72 00:04:59.639 --> 00:05:02.600 and and gone on a couple of dates, and you know, we kind 73 00:05:02.600 --> 00:05:08.240 of text here and there. But I think what I'm most nervous about is 74 00:05:08.519 --> 00:05:14.000 how much is too much over communicating or undercommunicating when you're first trying to get 75 00:05:14.040 --> 00:05:17.079 to know somebody. Oh what a good question. I'm glad you're thinking about 76 00:05:17.079 --> 00:05:20.879 that. So Jordan's question is how much is too much communication or under communication 77 00:05:21.000 --> 00:05:26.240 when you're first getting to know somebody. So if you've gone on a couple 78 00:05:26.399 --> 00:05:30.120 dates, I would say that the contact should start to be consistent. Now, 79 00:05:30.319 --> 00:05:33.680 I'll tell you what women hate. Women hate men that text all the 80 00:05:33.720 --> 00:05:36.560 time and never set up a date. They feel like he's got a roster 81 00:05:36.600 --> 00:05:41.240 of women that he's just keeping in the corral through texting. So I would 82 00:05:41.279 --> 00:05:44.800 say that the purpose of your texting shouldn't be just how is your day? 83 00:05:45.160 --> 00:05:48.759 Like, don't have the relationship through text, but really like, hey, 84 00:05:48.759 --> 00:05:54.000 I had a good time seeing you last week. You mentioned that you're into 85 00:05:54.120 --> 00:05:58.000 whatever musical artists or whatever sport or whatever. Would you like to see if 86 00:05:58.000 --> 00:06:00.519 I could get tickets to that? Right, Like, we love real questions 87 00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:05.040 with real plans in text instead of just checking in with a high how are 88 00:06:05.040 --> 00:06:09.360 you? Did you have a good day? It feels wasteful to us. 89 00:06:09.399 --> 00:06:15.319 It's not relationship building. Now if you're not the way you gauge how much 90 00:06:15.399 --> 00:06:20.360 is too much communication is their response? So if you write two or three 91 00:06:20.399 --> 00:06:26.480 sentences and they don't respond for twenty four hours and they respond with two words, 92 00:06:27.040 --> 00:06:30.519 you've been given your information. Right. I always say, everybody gets 93 00:06:30.079 --> 00:06:33.399 not three two times up at bat, two times up at bat, and 94 00:06:33.439 --> 00:06:36.399 then you strike out, So you might send one more text and if again 95 00:06:36.439 --> 00:06:40.399 they're lazy, then just move away. You don't even have to say anything, 96 00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:43.360 just kind of move away and see if they come back. You're looking 97 00:06:43.480 --> 00:06:47.920 for reciprocity, You're looking for somebody to mirror the level that you're doing. 98 00:06:48.160 --> 00:06:51.959 But if you've only dated somebody one or two times, texting every single day? 99 00:06:53.160 --> 00:06:55.480 And how are you tonight? Love? Where are you? Wait? 100 00:06:55.600 --> 00:06:58.120 No? Way too much, way too much, too soon, But use 101 00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:00.720 it for making plans, Jordan, luck to you. I'm so excited for 102 00:07:01.040 --> 00:07:03.800 started dating somebody. All right, Producer, Kayla, who do we have? 103 00:07:03.879 --> 00:07:06.920 Now we have Jennifer with a question. Jennifer, Hi, Jennifer, 104 00:07:06.920 --> 00:07:13.920 it's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy. So I've been dating. I've 105 00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:16.360 been since it's been about two years since i've been divorced. And I'll tell 106 00:07:16.399 --> 00:07:21.920 you it's really hard to find chemistry. It is, but I found someone 107 00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:26.759 who is a little bit younger than what I normally date, and but we 108 00:07:27.160 --> 00:07:30.000 we do. We have chemistry connection communication, which is huge. Like you 109 00:07:30.120 --> 00:07:35.160 just said, how many years between the two of you? So five, 110 00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:42.240 he's five years. But I've been tapping into my new dating pool is older 111 00:07:42.399 --> 00:07:46.800 and I'm forty five, and so I like the mid fifties. It's just 112 00:07:46.839 --> 00:07:50.639 been I like that, but I'm they're lacking. So the forty five year 113 00:07:50.639 --> 00:07:53.720 old or I'm sorry. The forty year old is the one that I have 114 00:07:53.839 --> 00:07:58.519 chemistry with, but he's lacking mindset and ambition at the level that I used 115 00:07:58.519 --> 00:08:01.560 to. But we've been seeing each other for a few months now, and 116 00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:05.759 it's hard because I feel like it's been We've had two incidents where we've had 117 00:08:05.759 --> 00:08:13.319 a misalignment and something's gone down and he retracts for two three days instead of 118 00:08:13.759 --> 00:08:16.800 talking. Oh yeah, I thought you had said he had good communication, 119 00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:20.839 but he retreats. And these are the two times, and the last ones 120 00:08:20.879 --> 00:08:26.839 have happened yesterday after a barbecue. Yes, and I actually reached out this 121 00:08:26.839 --> 00:08:28.519 morning and said, hey, I know we need to talk. Call me 122 00:08:28.680 --> 00:08:33.080 and I haven't heard And this the second time, and it's really disappointing because 123 00:08:33.200 --> 00:08:37.320 he's the one that I have connection and chemistry with, which is hard to 124 00:08:37.360 --> 00:08:39.879 find with the other. So what I would do, I'm a big believer 125 00:08:39.919 --> 00:08:45.720 in commenting on sort of the dynamic. Instead of like, hey, like, 126 00:08:45.799 --> 00:08:50.080 reach on and call me whatever, I would say something like I noticed 127 00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:54.679 I haven't heard from you, and I'm wondering, you know, sort of 128 00:08:54.679 --> 00:09:01.000 like I'm wondering, how do I find the words to say something like where 129 00:09:01.039 --> 00:09:05.639 you learned to put distance when there's a little bit of discomfort and just something 130 00:09:05.639 --> 00:09:09.799 I'd like, do you want them to start to think about their patterns without 131 00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:13.879 really blaming them? So you're kind of like not, like, so is 132 00:09:13.919 --> 00:09:16.720 this how you fight because you don't want to text? Is hard? You 133 00:09:16.759 --> 00:09:20.039 know, if you had, if you could get on the phone, you 134 00:09:20.039 --> 00:09:22.240 could say something like, hey, you know, I come from a kind 135 00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:26.679 of family when there's a little bit of a rupture that we want to talk 136 00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:30.240 about it and have some resolution. But it sounds like you have a different 137 00:09:30.279 --> 00:09:33.399 way when you express you know, and they might not even be aware that 138 00:09:33.440 --> 00:09:39.559 they have this pattern, right, and so and I'm sorry, how long 139 00:09:39.600 --> 00:09:43.679 did you say you're You've been seeing him three months? Yeah, so this 140 00:09:43.799 --> 00:09:48.399 is the time, right, it's like lessing to have his idea go monogamous. 141 00:09:48.480 --> 00:09:52.519 We literally were just going to have that talk this weekend and then this 142 00:09:52.679 --> 00:09:58.159 happened. Uh and what was the rupture at the barbecue? So we were 143 00:09:58.200 --> 00:10:01.080 going and he said, we're on going to stay for a little bit. 144 00:10:01.159 --> 00:10:03.200 I think we didn't have the same plans on timing. And I said, 145 00:10:03.200 --> 00:10:07.200 okay, good. I wasn't really feeling well he said, we're only going 146 00:10:07.240 --> 00:10:07.840 to stay for a little bit. I said, okay, can we have 147 00:10:07.879 --> 00:10:11.279 a word to be able to get out, like a code word or something, 148 00:10:11.399 --> 00:10:13.639 you know, I was trying to prevent case on that feeling well and 149 00:10:13.840 --> 00:10:18.000 my first time meeting is friends, and so said, we'll just text me, 150 00:10:18.200 --> 00:10:20.080 just text me and I'll look at my text and I say okay. 151 00:10:20.279 --> 00:10:26.440 So after three hours there, I said I'm ready to go, and I 152 00:10:26.600 --> 00:10:28.919 texted him. He said, well, let's do another forty five minutes. 153 00:10:28.960 --> 00:10:31.840 And I'm like, okay. Well forty five minutes turned into an hour and 154 00:10:31.919 --> 00:10:35.600 a half. Okay, So at a time an hour and a half, 155 00:10:35.720 --> 00:10:37.080 I was thinking exit plan, Do I need an uber and leave? This 156 00:10:37.159 --> 00:10:39.679 is going to be rude, And finally he said okay, let's go. 157 00:10:39.799 --> 00:10:43.600 So in the car I was upset. Yeah, you have every reason to 158 00:10:43.639 --> 00:10:46.279 be upset because you were not. It was a bid for care. You 159 00:10:46.279 --> 00:10:48.440 were feeling under the weather. You'd had a deal that he broke. He 160 00:10:48.480 --> 00:10:52.120 broke the contract, right, he had a contract with you that said I 161 00:10:52.159 --> 00:10:54.639 will take care of your needs. Just send me a text when you're ready 162 00:10:54.639 --> 00:10:58.559 to go. I think three hours is plenty amount. I thought you were 163 00:10:58.559 --> 00:11:03.600 going to say so. About twenty minutes into I said, so, what 164 00:11:03.639 --> 00:11:07.320 you've learned about him? This isn't really just about communication. This is about 165 00:11:07.399 --> 00:11:11.679 him being unable to care for you. So. I know you say it's 166 00:11:11.679 --> 00:11:13.919 hard, Jennifer, but dating is an endurance test. You might have to 167 00:11:13.960 --> 00:11:18.480 move along on this one. This is your old auntie talking to you right 168 00:11:18.519 --> 00:11:20.480 now. I don't think he can come around if he's not taking care of 169 00:11:20.519 --> 00:11:24.240 your needs and what you needed. I'm so sorry. When we come back, 170 00:11:24.279 --> 00:11:28.480 I'm going to continue to take your calls and answer your relationship questions. 171 00:11:28.480 --> 00:11:31.639 The numbers one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one 172 00:11:31.679 --> 00:11:35.720 eight hundred five two zero one KFI you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls 173 00:11:35.759 --> 00:11:41.639 Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening 174 00:11:41.639 --> 00:11:50.240 to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. I Am six 175 00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:52.519 forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 176 00:11:52.600 --> 00:11:56.960 Walsh Show, and I am taking your calls. Hi Producer, Kayla, 177 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:00.480 who do we have, hi, Doctor Wendy, we have heaven with the 178 00:12:00.559 --> 00:12:05.799 question Kevin Hi, Kevin Eavin. It's doctor Wendy. Are you there? 179 00:12:05.440 --> 00:12:09.399 Hit that button? Kayla, yes, Hi, what's your question? Love? 180 00:12:11.360 --> 00:12:16.559 Quick? Background? My wife and I've been there in about thirty two 181 00:12:16.600 --> 00:12:20.559 years. My daughter congratulations. Now for her first thank you her. We're 182 00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:24.559 going to meet her significant other for the first time. They lived back east 183 00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:28.159 and this is her first really serious relationship. And I was just wondering what 184 00:12:28.240 --> 00:12:33.480 topics not to dress or go into and maybe you have a suggestment something to 185 00:12:33.600 --> 00:12:39.240 maybe ask? Good question. Okay, So how old are they? Uh, 186 00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:45.039 thirty and thirty one? I believe they're full on grown ups. And 187 00:12:45.159 --> 00:12:50.960 how long have they been together? Just under a year? Oh good, 188 00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:54.000 okay, so it's time. It's time. So here's the thing. He's 189 00:12:54.039 --> 00:13:00.480 going to be nervous as heck, absolutely nervous and meeting his girls, and 190 00:13:00.519 --> 00:13:03.360 he's excited and all that, but he's nervous. Your job at this stage 191 00:13:03.440 --> 00:13:11.240 only is to build rapport. Remember what Shakespeare said, keep your friends close 192 00:13:11.639 --> 00:13:15.039 and your enemy's closer. You don't actually know what he's going to be yet, 193 00:13:15.679 --> 00:13:18.600 you're not really sure how he's gonna treat her, but you want to 194 00:13:18.639 --> 00:13:22.320 have rapport and a relationship so that you can really see what's going on. 195 00:13:22.399 --> 00:13:24.600 If he feels uncomfortable, then he's going to say next time, you know, 196 00:13:26.000 --> 00:13:28.360 if we're going back, Wes, I don't want to stay at your 197 00:13:28.399 --> 00:13:31.720 parents' house, or he's gonna have a lot of influence on how much you 198 00:13:31.759 --> 00:13:33.799 get to see your daughter and everything else. So at the beginning, all 199 00:13:33.879 --> 00:13:37.759 about hey, so where are you from, and what do your parents do? 200 00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:41.279 And tell me about this? What sports team you're looking for? Commonality 201 00:13:41.679 --> 00:13:48.279 and rapport building, and to keep him feeling calm and relaxed. He knows 202 00:13:48.840 --> 00:13:52.720 he's going to be investigated by you. He knows you're quietly checking him out. 203 00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:54.879 How are you treating my daughter? Is what you're thinking in your head, 204 00:13:56.240 --> 00:13:58.000 But you can't let that out at the beginning. You got to keep 205 00:13:58.039 --> 00:14:05.240 it just and friendly and warm and rapport building because your job is to try 206 00:14:05.240 --> 00:14:09.399 to make everybody feel comfortable. Down the road, if he hangs around, 207 00:14:09.840 --> 00:14:13.159 you'll get more information. At the beginning, just make him feel comfortable because 208 00:14:13.159 --> 00:14:18.919 he's nervous, Kevin, he's nervous to meet you. Well, thank you 209 00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:20.799 so much, thank you very much, thank you for calling. All right, 210 00:14:20.879 --> 00:14:24.720 producing Kayla, who do we have? Now? We have Doug with 211 00:14:24.759 --> 00:14:26.679 a question. Okay, all the guys call in today. Hi Doug, 212 00:14:26.720 --> 00:14:31.519 it's doctor Wendy. How are you good? What's your question? Love? 213 00:14:33.519 --> 00:14:37.320 You know, I listened to your show for some time, and I have 214 00:14:37.440 --> 00:14:43.720 heard you talk about like some of the negative traits that men have as far 215 00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:46.840 as relationships go, and women have a lot of bad ones too, By 216 00:14:46.840 --> 00:14:52.279 the way, yes, of course, but I wondered, how would someone 217 00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:58.720 foster the good behaviors or how would someone find out what good behaviors are for 218 00:14:58.799 --> 00:15:03.039 that matter. You know, maybe someone has never been shown the correct way. 219 00:15:03.440 --> 00:15:07.159 You want to know something funny, I wrote a book back in nineteen 220 00:15:07.240 --> 00:15:11.919 ninety eight called The Boyfriend Test, How do We Evaluate him before you Lose 221 00:15:11.919 --> 00:15:16.960 your Heart? And I got so many emails from men saying, thank you 222 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:20.519 so much. This was the best cheat sheet now I know how to behave 223 00:15:20.879 --> 00:15:24.039 And it was kind of a ninety day probation test. You know. The 224 00:15:24.120 --> 00:15:30.759 point is, if you are what I would call a good guy, right, 225 00:15:31.080 --> 00:15:35.039 a high value mate, then you're going to have self esteem and boundaries 226 00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:39.559 so you're able to say no if she looks like she's a little crazy and 227 00:15:39.600 --> 00:15:41.840 asking you to do things you don't want to do, but you're also what 228 00:15:43.000 --> 00:15:46.519 is a relationship. A relationship is an exchange of care, and that care 229 00:15:46.559 --> 00:15:50.879 can make take all kinds of forms. But I don't know. If you 230 00:15:50.919 --> 00:15:54.039 heard the caller who called in earlier, you know she's feeling under the weather. 231 00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:58.279 She was going to barbecue with his friends and said, what's our code 232 00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:00.039 when I feel like I really need to go? He said, just send 233 00:16:00.080 --> 00:16:03.679 me a text. She did, and he wasn't interested in leaving, so 234 00:16:03.720 --> 00:16:08.200 he wasn't caring for her. So being a good person, no matter what 235 00:16:08.240 --> 00:16:15.120 your gender, is responding to someone's bids for care. If someone says you're 236 00:16:15.159 --> 00:16:18.759 asking a woman out and you say I'll come pick you up and she says 237 00:16:18.840 --> 00:16:22.080 no, I actually prefer to bring my own car, then respect her. 238 00:16:22.200 --> 00:16:25.159 She's saying, hey, I don't feel safe with you yet you're not my 239 00:16:25.240 --> 00:16:27.559 safe person, And go, oh, I totally understand. Can I reimburse 240 00:16:27.600 --> 00:16:33.639 you for your uber or whatever right or your childcare? Think about what you 241 00:16:33.639 --> 00:16:37.039 can do to make someone feel special, But at the same time, you 242 00:16:37.039 --> 00:16:41.159 don't want to fall into the trap of being such a mister nice guy that 243 00:16:41.240 --> 00:16:45.759 you become a doormat, right, which means you have to have your own 244 00:16:45.840 --> 00:16:49.080 self esteem. I often said I said this in my book to Boyfriend Test. 245 00:16:49.399 --> 00:16:55.440 We love guys that have a plan. Confusing to women is a guy 246 00:16:55.480 --> 00:16:57.799 who calls us or texts us and says, hey, you want to go 247 00:16:57.799 --> 00:17:03.720 out sometime. You're kind of interesting. I'm like, ough, what's special 248 00:17:03.759 --> 00:17:07.599 about that? But if there's a guy who's going places, who has his 249 00:17:07.640 --> 00:17:11.960 own life, who's busy, we want to jump on his wagon. Right. 250 00:17:12.039 --> 00:17:17.039 So if he sends a text that says, hey, I got two 251 00:17:17.079 --> 00:17:19.240 tickets to the Dodgers on Friday night at eight o'clock, do you want to 252 00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:23.799 go? That's like saying I'm going anyway, you want to come with me? 253 00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:27.599 If not, there's somebody else. You don't say that, But that's 254 00:17:27.640 --> 00:17:30.960 what the implication is. Here are the things I'm doing. Want to come 255 00:17:30.960 --> 00:17:36.160 along, which is a whole different thing. Then I don't know, what 256 00:17:36.319 --> 00:17:38.079 do you like to eat? What do you want? Right? So, 257 00:17:38.119 --> 00:17:42.160 you want to show this self confidence, you want to show this self esteem, 258 00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:47.480 but you also want to respect their bids for care, if they want 259 00:17:47.480 --> 00:17:52.279 their own transportation, if they, you know, want to leave early, 260 00:17:52.839 --> 00:17:56.640 it's you have to respect that. And it's just about mutual respect is what 261 00:17:56.720 --> 00:18:00.799 it is. But anyway, I'm sure there are used copies of the boyfriend 262 00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:07.160 test on somewhere out there. I think I think I posted an updated version 263 00:18:07.160 --> 00:18:10.519 on my Patreon. In fact, you can go to patreon dot com slash 264 00:18:10.599 --> 00:18:12.240 doctor Wendy Walls if you want to come into my patreon private world. But 265 00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:15.400 thank you for calling Doug. All right, I do not want to neglect 266 00:18:15.559 --> 00:18:18.920 my social media, So let me go to social media and see who's got 267 00:18:18.960 --> 00:18:25.319 some questions here. Dear doctor Wendy. Am I wrong for telling my girlfriend 268 00:18:25.319 --> 00:18:30.880 to limit touching other men? Hmm? She always gives out hugs and it 269 00:18:30.920 --> 00:18:36.640 makes me uncomfortable, she says, I'm being controlling. Is it controlling or 270 00:18:36.799 --> 00:18:41.640 just wanting respect? Ooh ooh. The fact you word it just wanting respect 271 00:18:41.759 --> 00:18:48.079 is kind of interesting to me. I'd have to see the kind of hugs. 272 00:18:48.640 --> 00:18:51.839 Do they linger too long? Is it a whole body hug or is 273 00:18:51.839 --> 00:18:53.759 it just a shoulder and chest and a little pat on the back? I 274 00:18:53.759 --> 00:18:56.759 mean it's kind of hug as part of it. And are you doing it 275 00:18:57.160 --> 00:19:04.160 for the respect or is it that you don't want her to mislead or be 276 00:19:04.279 --> 00:19:10.599 suggestive with those men? Are you feeling lower self esteem because you're worried that 277 00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:12.599 because she gives a man a hug? And again, I don't know those 278 00:19:12.599 --> 00:19:15.839 situations. If it is is a social situation and you see someone at a 279 00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:18.079 party and it's a friend, you do lean in and give him a little 280 00:19:18.119 --> 00:19:22.680 hug. It's all about the kind of hug. Are you threatened by that? 281 00:19:22.720 --> 00:19:26.839 Can you know that she loves you, she's with you? Right? 282 00:19:26.920 --> 00:19:30.480 You don't have to feel threatened by it, all right, Dear doctor Wendy. 283 00:19:33.039 --> 00:19:34.799 I found out my boyfriend is going to ask me to move in with 284 00:19:34.920 --> 00:19:40.920 him. I don't think I want that. I love having our own places. 285 00:19:41.240 --> 00:19:45.119 I don't want him to think I'm not taking this relationship seriously, and 286 00:19:45.160 --> 00:19:48.200 I know he will. How can I reject his offer without making him feel 287 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:53.680 rejected? You can't, all right? So the question really is why are 288 00:19:53.720 --> 00:19:56.480 you in this relationship if you don't want it to move forward? Now? 289 00:19:56.559 --> 00:19:59.720 I don't know how long you've been together. If your boyfriend's going to ask 290 00:19:59.759 --> 00:20:02.200 you this and you've been dating three months, I'd say, oh, you're 291 00:20:02.279 --> 00:20:03.200 right, slow it down. So your answer is going to be, you 292 00:20:03.240 --> 00:20:06.519 know what, dude, I love you. This is great I like where 293 00:20:06.519 --> 00:20:08.759 it's going, but it's a little too early for this question. On the 294 00:20:08.759 --> 00:20:11.880 other hand, if you've been dating two years and have your own apartment and 295 00:20:12.119 --> 00:20:15.559 I don't know if you've had the conversation about marriage and kids or moving in 296 00:20:15.640 --> 00:20:21.880 or whatever, then I'd question why you want to leave him hanging in limbough 297 00:20:22.480 --> 00:20:29.200 because relationships tend to go somewhere, and the best relationships get completely committed. 298 00:20:29.960 --> 00:20:33.880 So just going to say that, Uh, dear doctor Wendy, when is 299 00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:38.839 love not enough? I've been with my husband for thirteen years and I feel 300 00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:44.640 we have love and it's history. But is that enough to spend the rest 301 00:20:44.640 --> 00:20:48.440 of my life with him? I am fifty three? Okay, So here's 302 00:20:48.440 --> 00:20:52.079 the thing. Two issues here. One is love changes. So if you 303 00:20:52.200 --> 00:20:59.319 think the early excitement of all those exciting neurotransmitters that are in the dopamine and 304 00:20:59.319 --> 00:21:03.440 the neurop enough frunt of an oxytocin and that cocktail of deliciousness of lust, 305 00:21:03.720 --> 00:21:07.799 that's not coming back with this guy. Ever, however, it gets replaced 306 00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:12.000 with something more meaningful, something more connected. It sounds to me like you 307 00:21:12.039 --> 00:21:17.880 guys are not connected. Right, So before I just jump ship, I 308 00:21:18.039 --> 00:21:22.559 go to therapy and try to work on the relationship and then see if you're 309 00:21:22.599 --> 00:21:26.400 ready to move on. When we come back, I have a very special 310 00:21:26.400 --> 00:21:29.279 guest. I'm so excited about her. I've wanted to have her on this 311 00:21:29.400 --> 00:21:33.960 show for so long and she is here in the studio. Hospice noose nurse. 312 00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:38.240 Why do I say news, Hospice nurse Julie. Listen. If you're 313 00:21:38.279 --> 00:21:41.720 planning on exiting the planet at the end of your days, not today, 314 00:21:41.839 --> 00:21:45.720 not tomorrow, or if you have a loved one who has a terminal illness, 315 00:21:47.400 --> 00:21:51.160 you are never going to meet a more joyful nurse talking about how great 316 00:21:51.640 --> 00:21:56.720 the process of yes dying can be. You're listening to the Doctor Weddy Walls 317 00:21:56.759 --> 00:22:00.400 Show and k I Am six forty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 318 00:22:00.920 --> 00:22:07.640 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome 319 00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:11.000 back to the Doctor Wendy Well Show on KFI AM six forty, Live Everywhere 320 00:22:11.119 --> 00:22:15.839 on the iHeartRadio app. I am going to introduce a guest now, who's 321 00:22:15.839 --> 00:22:21.960 a very special guest. Special because I feel like I know her really well, 322 00:22:22.480 --> 00:22:26.720 but we've actually only met live in the studio right now. I want 323 00:22:26.759 --> 00:22:32.880 everybody to say hello to Nurse Julie. Hi, Julie, Hello, thanks 324 00:22:32.960 --> 00:22:34.920 for having me. You're gonna tell the people how we know each other. 325 00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:40.559 My fingers are making quotation marks. We are TikTok friends. We are friends 326 00:22:40.720 --> 00:22:45.839 on TikTok ye. She has millions of followers, built millions of followers during 327 00:22:45.839 --> 00:22:52.680 the pandemic. Nurse Julie is a hospice palliative care nurse with more than fifteen 328 00:22:52.759 --> 00:22:59.559 years of experience. And one of the things she does really well stem stay 329 00:22:59.559 --> 00:23:07.279 tuned for that is she very positively and joyfully educates us about death and dying 330 00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:11.680 and it is an event that is going to affect all of us. First 331 00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:14.240 of all, no one's getting out of here live, just one to remind 332 00:23:14.279 --> 00:23:18.160 you. But also we may lose family members along the way, and she 333 00:23:18.359 --> 00:23:25.279 demystifies the whole process. So thank you for being with us today. I 334 00:23:25.279 --> 00:23:26.680 do want to say, Nurse Julie before I go too far, that your 335 00:23:26.799 --> 00:23:30.759 new book, she has a book out is coming out right or is out 336 00:23:30.519 --> 00:23:36.839 baby, It's called Nothing to Fear by Julie McFadden, r N. Hospice 337 00:23:36.920 --> 00:23:40.599 Nurse Julie. That's her tag at hospice Nurse Julie. You should follow her. 338 00:23:40.640 --> 00:23:44.799 She's so uplifting. I know I'm talking about death and I'm saying uplifting. 339 00:23:45.599 --> 00:23:48.440 Anyway, the book is out now. I do recommend it for everybody's 340 00:23:48.519 --> 00:23:49.880 easy, breezy read. You can get on my night table. Just want 341 00:23:49.880 --> 00:23:53.720 to tell you that. So let me start at the beginning. Why of 342 00:23:53.839 --> 00:23:59.000 all the areas of nursing, and you started out in the ICU doing heroic 343 00:23:59.079 --> 00:24:03.440 things, saving life lives, why did you choose end of life stuff? 344 00:24:03.079 --> 00:24:07.240 Well, that is exactly why, because I was an ICU nurse. So 345 00:24:07.279 --> 00:24:11.119 when I was a new nurse, a little baby nurse, I thought, 346 00:24:11.559 --> 00:24:15.119 the ICU is the only place I'd ever want to work. It's in my 347 00:24:15.279 --> 00:24:18.000 mind the best. You know, I'll learn the most. I'll see the 348 00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:22.400 craziest things in Hollywood. That's true. I did. I did see all 349 00:24:22.440 --> 00:24:26.400 the things when I learned a bunch of things, and one of the things 350 00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:30.079 I learned was that preserving life at all costs, which is what we do 351 00:24:30.119 --> 00:24:34.680 in the ICU for the most part. There's definitely good happening there as well, 352 00:24:34.720 --> 00:24:40.640 but like we will preserve life at all costs, and it causes suffering, 353 00:24:41.160 --> 00:24:44.440 suffering, suffering, suffering, and there were times when we really missed 354 00:24:44.440 --> 00:24:48.160 the mark as medical professionals. And I just thought after a few years of 355 00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:52.599 being an ICU nurse, and I still stayed a few more years after this 356 00:24:52.759 --> 00:24:56.559 moment, but you know, there was a moment as an ICU nurse where 357 00:24:56.559 --> 00:25:00.440 I was like, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. 358 00:25:00.720 --> 00:25:03.039 And there are a few patients in particular, some of who I speak 359 00:25:03.079 --> 00:25:07.759 about in my book. The first couple chapters are about my ICU experience and 360 00:25:07.799 --> 00:25:12.000 what patients kind of change the trajectory of my career. And it's because I 361 00:25:12.039 --> 00:25:15.519 finally spoke up about what we were doing. You know, I no one 362 00:25:15.559 --> 00:25:19.680 was purposely doing it, but we were keeping people alive for and they were 363 00:25:19.720 --> 00:25:22.640 suffering, and they were suffering, and they were suffering. Yeah, so 364 00:25:22.759 --> 00:25:26.319 that unpopular with some of the ICU workers. No, because I spoke. 365 00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:32.680 So I don't think so generally speaking thankfully on social media, I feel like 366 00:25:32.960 --> 00:25:36.400 generally people are nice to me, Thank God, look at you. It 367 00:25:36.480 --> 00:25:38.319 doesn't always happen to me that way, you know. I want to share 368 00:25:38.319 --> 00:25:41.839 something My mother, My mother and my father died in one year, when 369 00:25:41.839 --> 00:25:45.599 I was thirty, my mother died of breast cancer that had spread to her 370 00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:48.279 lungs. And I don't have to tell you what it's like the end, 371 00:25:48.319 --> 00:25:52.640 when your lungs are so full of fluid, you're drowning in your own fluid. 372 00:25:52.240 --> 00:25:56.960 And she had asked for a chemotherapy treatment the day she died. She 373 00:25:57.119 --> 00:26:02.200 was fighting to the end. I was here in La flying back as often 374 00:26:02.240 --> 00:26:04.960 as I could. All my family was just listening to the doctors. More 375 00:26:04.960 --> 00:26:07.359 treatments, more treates. Hope, hope, hope, keep hope alive, 376 00:26:07.480 --> 00:26:11.599 keep hope alive. And my dad called me and said, hey, you 377 00:26:11.680 --> 00:26:14.839 might want to come home this weekend because your mom could use some cheering up. 378 00:26:15.599 --> 00:26:18.160 I get there, Thank god I got there when I did, and 379 00:26:18.240 --> 00:26:25.079 she died thirty minutes later. She was on death's door, and everybody was 380 00:26:25.119 --> 00:26:30.839 oblivious to it. You talk about family situations like this that they're all so 381 00:26:30.119 --> 00:26:34.400 shocked. You do the opposite with hospice care. You prepare them for the 382 00:26:34.440 --> 00:26:38.519 stages, right, correct, Yes, how do you do that? We 383 00:26:38.599 --> 00:26:42.440 speak openly about what the truth of the matter is, which is you will 384 00:26:42.519 --> 00:26:47.240 die. You know you will die. I think it's really important to use 385 00:26:47.319 --> 00:26:51.079 language like that, specifically when someone really I mean, we're all dying, 386 00:26:51.119 --> 00:26:53.160 like you said, and I think and we do. People are really really 387 00:26:53.160 --> 00:26:57.200 big disservice when we are too afraid to talk about it, you know, 388 00:26:57.359 --> 00:27:00.559 so people pass the buck a lot. And I don't mean to sit here 389 00:27:00.559 --> 00:27:04.799 and try to blame other healthcare workers. You know, everyone's doing their best, 390 00:27:06.000 --> 00:27:07.960 and a lot of health care workers, especially in the hospital, don't 391 00:27:07.960 --> 00:27:12.599 have a lot of time to have these really hard conversations when families, when 392 00:27:12.640 --> 00:27:17.400 certain families are clearly not ready to hear it, you know, they give 393 00:27:17.440 --> 00:27:22.039 off the vibe of like, we're not going to say the word hospice or 394 00:27:22.079 --> 00:27:25.519 death or end of life, but we still but we need to have those 395 00:27:25.559 --> 00:27:29.319 conversations. And I feel like it's a little easier on hospice because they're already 396 00:27:29.319 --> 00:27:33.519 coming to us, right they already somewhat know that the end may be near. 397 00:27:33.640 --> 00:27:36.559 But even in the ICU, I would try to do that. I 398 00:27:36.559 --> 00:27:38.599 would try to do that because we owe it to our patients. Now. 399 00:27:38.640 --> 00:27:42.640 The thinking always was traditionally that if you tell a patient they're dying, they'll 400 00:27:42.680 --> 00:27:45.640 die. If you say you have three months to live, they'll last three 401 00:27:45.680 --> 00:27:52.519 months because life is a self fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes you think there's a lot 402 00:27:52.559 --> 00:27:56.559 of wasted hope out there when they could be doing other things with the dying 403 00:27:56.599 --> 00:28:02.759 process, like what like well let me let me when you keep saying hope. 404 00:28:02.759 --> 00:28:04.400 I love that because I think in general, generally speaking, we need 405 00:28:04.440 --> 00:28:11.240 to start thinking about life and death and hope in like to me, hope 406 00:28:11.279 --> 00:28:15.559 doesn't necessarily equal life forever because where no one's going to live forever, We're 407 00:28:15.599 --> 00:28:21.359 not going to live forever. So with that knowledge, how do you want 408 00:28:21.400 --> 00:28:23.039 to live? How do you want to live the rest of your life? 409 00:28:23.119 --> 00:28:27.039 And I think people need to know they're going to die, even you and 410 00:28:27.079 --> 00:28:32.640 I sitting here, who may not have terminal diagnosis right now, right or 411 00:28:32.680 --> 00:28:34.440 ever, who knows, but we're still going to die. And I think 412 00:28:34.480 --> 00:28:40.000 there's there's there's hope in knowing that, because if we can truly understand that, 413 00:28:40.599 --> 00:28:44.400 we can live out the rest of our life. And I mean that 414 00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:48.680 with all sincerity, Like I think people think it's cheesy, but I mean 415 00:28:48.720 --> 00:28:53.640 that. I really feel like anyone contemplating their own mortality will help them live 416 00:28:53.960 --> 00:28:59.279 better. And one of the things that I know that many of these people, 417 00:28:59.319 --> 00:29:03.200 once they accept that they're dying, do is spend time nurturing their relationships. 418 00:29:03.240 --> 00:29:08.240 Yeah, talk about that. Yeah, I think people who well, 419 00:29:08.240 --> 00:29:11.480 how about this. People I've seen witnessed this over and over again on hospice, 420 00:29:11.519 --> 00:29:17.240 people who were willing to admit they were dying, say the truth about 421 00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:19.799 how they felt about their not even if it wasn't pretty right, even if 422 00:29:19.799 --> 00:29:23.039 they were like, I don't want to I'm angry, this isn't going to 423 00:29:23.079 --> 00:29:29.160 happen, they still seem to live out their life better and die more peacefully, 424 00:29:29.200 --> 00:29:32.079 and they spend it with their families, and they had truthful and honest 425 00:29:32.079 --> 00:29:37.200 conversations, They connected with people, they had better symptom control, even physically 426 00:29:37.319 --> 00:29:44.200 symptom management control. And they because they had those quote unquote good you know 427 00:29:44.359 --> 00:29:48.279 last few months, connecting with loved ones or doing it whatever it is they 428 00:29:48.279 --> 00:29:52.319 want to do right doesn't have to necessarily be connection with people. They did 429 00:29:52.400 --> 00:29:56.880 seem to live better and die better. You know, we have to go 430 00:29:56.880 --> 00:29:59.640 to break but when we come back, I want to talk about get into 431 00:29:59.640 --> 00:30:02.960 the nitty gritty of the symptoms of dying, and especially the one I'm most 432 00:30:03.000 --> 00:30:07.720 excited about, the rally when we come back. My guest is hospice nurse 433 00:30:07.960 --> 00:30:11.400 Julie. You should follow her online. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wallsh 434 00:30:11.400 --> 00:30:15.000 Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 435 00:30:15.240 --> 00:30:22.640 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome 436 00:30:22.640 --> 00:30:26.680 back to the Doctor Wendy Wallh Show on KFI AM six forty. I am 437 00:30:26.759 --> 00:30:30.440 Doctor Wendy Walsh, and I am thrilled to be setting across from hospice Noose 438 00:30:30.680 --> 00:30:33.079 nurse, not a noose. You don't have a noose. There's no newses 439 00:30:33.119 --> 00:30:37.680 in hospice. Hospice Nurse Julie. The book is called Nothing to Fear. 440 00:30:37.720 --> 00:30:42.559 You can get it everywhere online. And she's demystifying death for us. Okay, 441 00:30:42.759 --> 00:30:45.720 let's get into the nitty gritty. One of your TikTok videos that really 442 00:30:47.200 --> 00:30:49.799 I did like one of those note to self, don't forget this is that 443 00:30:51.680 --> 00:30:56.559 when a dying person stops eating or drinking, the family members often want to 444 00:30:56.599 --> 00:31:00.880 put an intervenous in their arm and pump them full of fluids. You say, 445 00:31:00.319 --> 00:31:04.440 this can hurt them, right, right, dehydration at the end of 446 00:31:04.480 --> 00:31:11.119 life is good. Is actually good because a dying body knows how to die. 447 00:31:11.279 --> 00:31:17.039 We are built to die. We have biological things built in our in 448 00:31:17.160 --> 00:31:19.480 our in our bodies to help us die, and one of those things is 449 00:31:19.519 --> 00:31:26.000 being dehydrated actually helps us. And even if because families will say I don't 450 00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:29.480 believe you, I don't believe you, and they will, they'll they'll put 451 00:31:29.640 --> 00:31:32.240 they won't put it, but they they'll have the hospital, our doctors or 452 00:31:32.240 --> 00:31:36.519 whoever, put in the IV and hydrate their loved one. And even if 453 00:31:36.519 --> 00:31:40.400 they do that, it won't do anything. So it won't do what it 454 00:31:40.400 --> 00:31:42.920 would do. Does it cause pain? It could actually cause pain, Yes, 455 00:31:42.960 --> 00:31:45.759 because the fluid will not stay where it's supposed to do, which is 456 00:31:45.759 --> 00:31:51.759 intravascular and intravascularly hydrating the person making them feel better. It won't do that. 457 00:31:52.400 --> 00:31:56.759 It will It will seep out of their of their vascular system, causing 458 00:31:56.799 --> 00:32:01.440 a edema, and then eventually they're heart can't pump that fluid and it will 459 00:32:01.480 --> 00:32:06.480 go into their lungs, oh, causing respiratory distress. So that's what my 460 00:32:06.519 --> 00:32:09.079 mother was in when she dies, grab the oxygen mask and grabbing it and 461 00:32:09.119 --> 00:32:15.039 trying to figure get more oxygen in somehow exactly. Oh, so the drier 462 00:32:15.079 --> 00:32:20.079 you are, the better you will die. You actually go into ketosis releases 463 00:32:20.119 --> 00:32:23.319 in Doorphins Doll's pain makes you feel euphoric. I'm in kytosis right now. 464 00:32:23.319 --> 00:32:27.720 Actually, I kind of feel that way. Different kind, okay, different 465 00:32:27.759 --> 00:32:31.799 kind. Yes, So let's talk also about the death stare and people seeing 466 00:32:31.960 --> 00:32:38.359 loved ones. Do you believe there's another side after everything you've seen? So 467 00:32:39.640 --> 00:32:45.480 personally yes? Now, now do I feel like that's something that I don't 468 00:32:45.480 --> 00:32:50.119 ever need. I never want to push my beliefs on people. So what 469 00:32:50.200 --> 00:32:53.480 I like to do is just educate about the deathbed phenomenon, which is chapter 470 00:32:53.559 --> 00:32:59.519 six in my book, that happens to almost everyone at the end of life 471 00:32:59.680 --> 00:33:02.799 has some form of what I'm talking about. So all I like to say 472 00:33:02.920 --> 00:33:07.240 is and most most people that work an end of life care will will also 473 00:33:07.319 --> 00:33:10.920 say this is like, I don't know what it means, but it happens. 474 00:33:12.119 --> 00:33:15.640 And the things that happen are things like we call it visioning, So 475 00:33:15.799 --> 00:33:21.880 visioning where people see dead relatives, dead loved ones, dead pets. There's 476 00:33:22.240 --> 00:33:24.000 death stare, Like you said, so I see it all the time. 477 00:33:24.039 --> 00:33:27.920 Patients will be talking to you da da da da da da da da and 478 00:33:27.960 --> 00:33:30.960 suddenly look off into the distance, stare into the corner. You cannot get 479 00:33:31.000 --> 00:33:36.440 their attention no matter what you do. Sometimes they'll smile, Sometimes they'll say 480 00:33:36.519 --> 00:33:39.200 hi, mom, what are you doing here? Sometimes they'll reach their arms 481 00:33:39.279 --> 00:33:45.880 up. That's called the death reach. And it just happens so often that 482 00:33:45.960 --> 00:33:50.240 it's something we literally have to educate about because families will see it and get 483 00:33:50.279 --> 00:33:52.680 freaked out. You know, what are they saying? What are they doing? 484 00:33:52.720 --> 00:33:55.160 Why are they doing this? So I think, you know, I 485 00:33:55.240 --> 00:34:00.640 do believe that there is an afterlife, but that's not really why educated about 486 00:34:00.640 --> 00:34:02.480 it. I just educated about so people understand that it's a normal thing. 487 00:34:02.519 --> 00:34:07.839 It's something that we can't explain that happens all the time. So I mentioned 488 00:34:07.839 --> 00:34:12.599 that both my parents died in one single calendar year and ten months apart, 489 00:34:13.000 --> 00:34:15.760 and my dad, having just nursed my mother to death, chose a different 490 00:34:15.840 --> 00:34:21.239 route and he decided to die at home. In Canada, with socialized medicine, 491 00:34:21.239 --> 00:34:23.360 you can have a night nurse. You get a twelve hour shift every 492 00:34:23.400 --> 00:34:27.000 day, so your family members during the day a night nurse for twelve hours 493 00:34:27.039 --> 00:34:30.159 at night. They bring a hospital bed right into the living room. They 494 00:34:30.159 --> 00:34:32.840 put a morphine belt on the whole thing, and he did have we'll talk 495 00:34:32.880 --> 00:34:37.159 about the death rally in a minute. He hadn't eaten in weeks and weeks, 496 00:34:37.239 --> 00:34:39.400 and some people came over to visit and he sat up and had a 497 00:34:39.400 --> 00:34:44.000 cup of tea and a biscuit with them and had this little rally. But 498 00:34:44.440 --> 00:34:46.519 when he was hallucinating, as we called it, with the new morphine and 499 00:34:46.559 --> 00:34:52.840 everything. Now you should know, my dad was an introverted, very polite, 500 00:34:52.440 --> 00:34:58.800 diplomatic gentleman, that is what I would call him. And so probably 501 00:34:58.840 --> 00:35:04.360 for him to you have to express feelings or to be in a vulnerable state 502 00:35:04.360 --> 00:35:07.679 where his body's falling apart, would be difficult. So he talked about it 503 00:35:07.719 --> 00:35:10.559 in military terms. He's retired Navy, and he would say, there's a 504 00:35:10.599 --> 00:35:15.199 threat to national security. We need to tell the commander right now, there's 505 00:35:15.199 --> 00:35:16.440 a threat to national security. He kept saying that, and we said, 506 00:35:16.440 --> 00:35:20.039 okay, we'll tell the commander, just tell us what we need to tell 507 00:35:20.079 --> 00:35:22.840 him. And he was really upset about this, but I feel like it 508 00:35:22.880 --> 00:35:28.960 was a metaphor for his own internal national security being threatened by all of this. 509 00:35:29.519 --> 00:35:32.199 Isn't that interesting? People die the way they lived. I'm telling you, 510 00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:36.920 I'm telling you, and I will say that when the night nurse who 511 00:35:36.920 --> 00:35:39.039 took care of my dad at night and he would bathe him in the morning 512 00:35:39.079 --> 00:35:43.599 before, he said, when you're taking care of dying people, you can 513 00:35:43.639 --> 00:35:47.000 always tell who they were, because they'd become like infants and you know their 514 00:35:47.039 --> 00:35:52.079 real personality. And he said, your dad was just such an elegant gentleman. 515 00:35:52.119 --> 00:35:54.000 He would always say, oh, thank you very much, and oh, 516 00:35:54.000 --> 00:35:57.239 I'm so sorry I can't lift my hip there, and oh, and 517 00:35:57.519 --> 00:36:00.360 he was just so polite all the way through, all the way to death. 518 00:36:00.400 --> 00:36:02.840 He was just a polite man, you know. But I think his 519 00:36:02.920 --> 00:36:08.079 experience of death was probably very different than my mom getting a chemotherapy treatment hours 520 00:36:08.119 --> 00:36:14.039 before dying. With just stuck on this hope. If you have any few 521 00:36:14.039 --> 00:36:19.880 words of advice for people who may be dealing with a loved one who has 522 00:36:19.920 --> 00:36:23.800 a terminal diagnosis, if you could give them three quick things of advice, 523 00:36:23.840 --> 00:36:30.239 what would it be? I think, say the truth and how you're feeling 524 00:36:30.519 --> 00:36:34.920 to your loved one or to yourself or to someone else. Just say the 525 00:36:34.920 --> 00:36:37.880 truth of how you're feeling, because I think that will help connect. I 526 00:36:37.920 --> 00:36:40.880 think people are afraid to say the truth. The truth might be I'm afraid, 527 00:36:42.280 --> 00:36:44.679 I don't I'm angry, you know, like I said, I'm afraid, 528 00:36:44.679 --> 00:36:49.599 I'm angry, I'm sad. It's just really important. I think that 529 00:36:49.679 --> 00:36:52.760 helps you connect, at least to yourself, to your loved one if they're 530 00:36:52.800 --> 00:36:57.639 able, you know, if if that person's able to to when you're like 531 00:36:57.800 --> 00:37:00.239 reeling in bed, wondering if you've done and now for kids, there more 532 00:37:00.280 --> 00:37:05.440 to do. Ask yourself, is my loved one who's dying? Are they 533 00:37:05.480 --> 00:37:09.199 clean? Are they safe? Are they comfortable? You can say yes to 534 00:37:09.320 --> 00:37:12.880 those things, then you've done a good job, and that really is all 535 00:37:12.920 --> 00:37:15.679 you need to do. And in hospice you can have a comfortable death. 536 00:37:15.960 --> 00:37:20.519 Yes, yes, yes, yes, And there's a lot of doing in 537 00:37:20.559 --> 00:37:22.280 our culture we do do do do do do do do do, And really 538 00:37:22.360 --> 00:37:28.480 hospice in life is more about being so just being with your loved one, 539 00:37:28.480 --> 00:37:34.119 and that's uncomfortable, specifically when you're already uncomfortable because emotionally it's hard. Yeah, 540 00:37:34.159 --> 00:37:38.920 so because it feels uncomfortable and it's hard to be around your loved one 541 00:37:38.960 --> 00:37:43.800 who's dying. You turn in a lot of people turn into this doom mode. 542 00:37:43.920 --> 00:37:45.320 I gotta do this, I gotta do that, And then at nighttime, 543 00:37:45.360 --> 00:37:51.760 when they're laying quietly, it's hard for your brain to shut off that 544 00:37:51.800 --> 00:37:53.760 I do enough. I didn't do enough. Just remember, are they clean? 545 00:37:54.199 --> 00:37:58.719 Are they safe? Are they comfortable? And if you can say yes, 546 00:37:59.360 --> 00:38:00.280 then you're good. And if you can't say yes, because a lot 547 00:38:00.320 --> 00:38:02.199 of people will say, well, we can't, then you can do something. 548 00:38:02.199 --> 00:38:05.280 Then you can do something. Then you can do something. You call 549 00:38:05.320 --> 00:38:07.039 the hospice company, you call the doctor. You know, you do something. 550 00:38:07.039 --> 00:38:10.840 And we should also remind people dying is not quick, right right, 551 00:38:10.880 --> 00:38:15.360 and it's not black and white. I love living in the black and white. 552 00:38:15.440 --> 00:38:17.360 I love knowing exactly what I'm supposed to do, when to do it, 553 00:38:19.320 --> 00:38:22.119 how long it's going to take. And that is not how death works. 554 00:38:22.239 --> 00:38:25.199 It's very gray. It's very gray, and it takes what it takes. 555 00:38:25.320 --> 00:38:29.360 My dad was in that hospital bed in the living room for five weeks. 556 00:38:29.719 --> 00:38:32.199 Took five weeks. And I will add a third for you, yes, 557 00:38:32.320 --> 00:38:37.599 because I lived it. Take breaks so that your brain can deal with 558 00:38:37.639 --> 00:38:42.559 the stress and get little breaks from it so you will avoid caregiver burnout. 559 00:38:43.039 --> 00:38:45.639 So one night a friend flew in from La I've been sitting by his bed 560 00:38:45.679 --> 00:38:50.840 for a good three weeks at that point, and he actually said, take 561 00:38:50.880 --> 00:38:53.480 your friend out tonight. There's a new casino over there on the Quebec side. 562 00:38:53.519 --> 00:38:58.639 Go gamble girls, go have some fun. And we went out and 563 00:38:58.719 --> 00:39:02.519 for a few hours, I forgot my pain and sadness, and I actually 564 00:39:02.519 --> 00:39:07.119 came back and was a better caregiver to my dad exactly, because that take 565 00:39:07.159 --> 00:39:10.599 breaks when you need to for your brain and ask for help, ask for 566 00:39:10.679 --> 00:39:15.719 help. It's so hard. We're also individualistic, and it's like you think 567 00:39:16.280 --> 00:39:20.760 you can't or be too hard to, or there's no one you know. 568 00:39:20.880 --> 00:39:23.559 This is an all hands on deck kind of time and ask for help. 569 00:39:23.679 --> 00:39:29.679 Yeah, hospice nurse Julie, I say it clearly. There's an at sign 570 00:39:29.719 --> 00:39:32.639 in front of it at hospice Nurse Julie. I want you to follow her 571 00:39:32.639 --> 00:39:36.960 online. I want you to get her amazing book, Nothing to Fear. 572 00:39:37.440 --> 00:39:40.320 My Julio sits there going are you really going to sleep reading a book about 573 00:39:40.360 --> 00:39:44.639 death and dying? And I say, it's the happiest most joyful book I've 574 00:39:44.639 --> 00:39:47.519 written in a long time. I've read in a long time. I should 575 00:39:47.519 --> 00:39:52.400 have written it. I guess it is just a beautiful book. I'm so 576 00:39:52.519 --> 00:39:57.239 happy for your success on social media. I'm so happy, hospice nurse Julie, 577 00:39:57.280 --> 00:40:00.880 that you are spreading this good news about how a very normal part of 578 00:40:00.920 --> 00:40:07.960 life can be something we can all not just accept but take joyfully and with 579 00:40:07.039 --> 00:40:10.360 greater understanding. Right, thank you for coming to the studio. I appreciate 580 00:40:10.360 --> 00:40:13.880 it. Thank you for having me, and thank you for listening to the 581 00:40:13.880 --> 00:40:17.360 Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I am here every Sunday from seven to nine pm. 582 00:40:17.480 --> 00:40:21.800 Thanks for listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show here on KFI AM six 583 00:40:21.960 --> 00:40:28.559 forty and live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy 584 00:40:28.599 --> 00:40:30.960 Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven 585 00:40:31.000 --> 00:40:36.559 to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.