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This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're
listening to KFI AM six forty, the

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Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on
the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty.

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You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh

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Show. Welcome to my show where
I talk about all our relationships, our

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love relationships, our family relationships.
Later in the show, I have a

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very special author on who wrote a
book about adult bullies. You know any

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of those in your life. They
can be he says, they could be

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anywhere at church, in the workplace, in your family. How to handle

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adult bullies. Also, so many
people tell me that they're not sure what

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it feels like to have a secure
attachment and what good love feels like.

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So I want to talk about how
secure people think and behave in their relationships.

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And if you are somebody who's maybe
been I'm sorry put in the friend

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zone. I'm gonna give you some
advice. But first, producer, Kayla,

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how are you you with me?
I am wonderful, I'm with you.

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How are you good? The break, We've been talking a lot about

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Puff Daddy, Sean Puffy, colmbs
P did D did D and Sean Love

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cold Well brother Love. That didn't
stick, But that was another name he

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tried to give himself yet. Okay, this is one person we're referring to

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who has had many names men as
an artist over the years. Okay,

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if you don't know, he's a
rapper and record producer. Born in New

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York, he worked at Uptown Records, and then he founded his own record

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label, bad Boy Records, back
in nineteen seventy three. His music career

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in nineteen ninety ninety three, did
I say seventy three? You did?

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I'm just like back in a disco
somewhere. That was a good time.

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Quit it was good, The music
was great. His music career includes eleven

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number one songs, three Grammy Awards, all kinds of producer credits on hundreds

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of songs. However, he's in
the news recently because last year, his

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former girlfriend, Cassie Ventura, accused
him of raping her in twenty eighteen and

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accused him of years of abuse over
the course of their relationship. This is

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in civil court, not criminal,
because it's outside the statute of limitations.

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Now, these two settled back in
November. He claimed at the time.

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None of it was true. None
of it was true. It's just that

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he's a wealthy, famous man and
people are going to try to get money

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from him. By the way,
there are seven other civil lawsuits that are

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pending that accused him of sexual misconduct
and other illegal activity. He continues to

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deny all the claims from many of
these civil suits. He has not responded

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to the allegations. However, then
CNN let loose a video in the last

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couple weeks of him done by a
hotel he physically assaulted Cassie Ventura, his

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ex girlfriend. Now, the DA's
office said this incident was still outside the

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statute of limitations, so they couldn't
prosecute. However, the video could become

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evidence in on this ongoing federal investigation. Member a couple months back, they

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and they searched his couple of his
houses. They put his young adult sons

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and handcussed in like that part,
but you know they were really hardcore.

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He apparently paid that hotel back back
in twenty sixteen about fifty thousand dollars not

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to release the video footage. So
the current management say, well, we

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weren't management at the time. None
of our business, right but I'm wondering,

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is there a suit there? Like, That's what I'm thinking. I'm

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thinking what happened because fifty's actually not
that much money for a tape like that.

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I'm thinking could the two security guards
who were on their shift at that

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time been the ones who said,
Man, okay, if you give us

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each twenty five, you can have
that tape. Yeah. And I'm also

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wondering how did the tape get released? I know CNN released it, but

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how did they get it? If
he bought it from the hotel, maybe

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the investigators found it in that raid, ah and they released it to the

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media. Can't sue them, That's
what I'm thinking now. Last week he

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posted an apology video You're rolling your
eyes producer Kayle that was so upset,

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like, just nobody wants to hear
from you, nobody wants to see you.

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Stop. You denied it all.
Yeah, the thing that you what

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a funny way of saying it earlier? You like he's at court going I

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did nothing, Oh except maybe there's
that one thing now remember right exactly?

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But you denied it all now you
Oh you I forgot about that word.

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I'm sorry, I go what bothered
me about the apology video is he was

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apologizing to his fans for not living
up to their idea of who they think

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he is. He claims he went
to therapy, but there was no apology

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to his victim, and people are
saying that's because he's not according to their

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old lawsuit. Lawsuit, he's not
allowed to say her name or acknowledge her,

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or at least say her name.
Say her name. He's allowed he

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could say, in a vague way, victim. My heart goes out to

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victims of domestic violence. Anything I
have done hurt anybody, I'm so so

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sorry. No is it any of
that? And that tape was triggering for

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me. For you, I'm a
survivor of domestic violence, it was triggering

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for you. You had a stalk
her once. Sorry, I just just

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your business out there. I think
it goes under the umbrella of domestic violence

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as well. And it looks so
dangerous you just google it online because it's

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it's terrible, but don't look at
it. And if you're going to be

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triggered. But she could have died. I mean she was on the floor

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in front of the elevator trying to
escape. He dragged her down to the

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floor and he was kicking her.
He could have kicked her in the head

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and killed her. It looked like
a horror movie. It was. She

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looked like a lifeless body as he
was dragging her back. So anyway,

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all I'm saying is it's not over. I'm keeping this story alive while the

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Feds are busy with their investigation,
because apparently they can still use this video

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in any future trials for other their
allegations supposedly of money laundering, illegal drugs,

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sex crimes. They could come at
and with a whole bunch of stuff

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and this could be show up as
evidence. Just saying, all right,

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can we talk about our healthy relationships? Now? Yes, that's an unhealthy

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relationship, very unhealthy. People often
ask me how to secure people act in

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relationships and how can you tell if
somebody's emotionally secure? And there are a

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few ways. For one, it's
really important that you understand that secure people

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are not like what's the word cool
and aloof and all together. What they

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are is they know how to be
interdependent, which means when a secure person

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has needs emotional needs or physical needs, they know how to reach out to

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others for help and guidance and support
and they're not embarrassed or in shamed or

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feeling weak for having to reach out
for guidance. Right. The other thing

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is they can be a shoulder to
lean on. They're not gonna make fun

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of you for your feelings either.
They're gonna be like coming bribe. Let's

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talk about that. So interdependence is
different from independence. Interdependence means that you

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can lean on each other's shoulders.
The other thing that secure people are not

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afraid of is the ability to say
no. They have good boundaries. You

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know, some people feel like if
they say no, they're gonna make the

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other person feel bad. I've heard
that so many times, like, well,

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if I'm so strong and I say
that, and you know, they're

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gonna make the other person feel bad
and I don't want to hurt them.

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Okay, I'm gonna say it.
I'm probably gonna say it again. I've

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said it before, I'm gonna continue
to say it. In my life,

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nobody can make somebody else feel a
certain way. People can behave in abusive

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ways, and you can choose to
feel like a victim and have a feeling

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as a result of it, but
that's on you. You can walk away

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from an abusive person too, and
choose not to feel like a victim.

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So therefore, if you want to
say no and have a boundary, it's

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not It doesn't matter what their experience
is. Now how you say no is

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important. Right. If they say, hey, honey, we have not

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gone out in a while. Can
we please go out to a fancy restaurant

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That's gonna cost way more money than
we can afford. Now, what do

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you think? What have I made
of money? No, that's not what

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you say. You say, Oh, that sounds so wonderful. I'd love

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to do that, honey, but
we can't afford it. So the answer

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is no. Is there another thing
we could do? Maybe make a picnic

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together? Right? That's how a
secure person owns their no. The other

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thing that secure people do is they
don't get threatened by change. They understand

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and adapt. So if you say, hey, you know, I've been

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so bundled up with you lately,
I'm gonna go out with my girlfriends a

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little more because I feel like I
need to get my social support back,

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they're not gonna go what do you
who are going out with? I'm not

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good enough? Right, They're able
to go, Oh, that's cool,

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I should probably go out with my
buddies more too. That's fine. We're

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good as long as we can come
back together, right. The other thing

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is they have great empathy for when
others are in pain, and they have

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great empathy and want to help others
when they're struggling, but they do not

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feel that the other person's struggle is
their responsibility. I want you to listen

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closer to that. You can have
empathy, you can care, you can

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do kind things for somebody, but
fixing them, healing them, making their

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life better is not your responsibility.
It's their responsibility. And here's my favorite.

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Secure people respond to criticism with curiosity
instead of defensiveness. They might say

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things like, oh, am,
I like that. That's interesting. I

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think I'll work on that. That's
how a secure person behaves in a relationship.

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Am I like that? Heyla,
Am I like that? Yeah,

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Yeah, you're great. I'm a
big mouth, and I now own it.

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I used to be sensitive to it
when people say I talk too much,

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Well, you know, I got
sent out of the classroom and had

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my desk in the hallway in elementary
school for talking too much, and then

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I was shushed a lot by men
before in workplaces back when they didn't allow

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women to have voices. And you
know, you get grown up and you

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go, you know what, I'm
gonna own it because your voice is a

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big power, and now I make
money with my voice. People throw rocks

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at things that shine. They always
throw rocks at your gifts because they want

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to stifle them because they feel bad
about themselves. And when you're young,

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it feels painful. But now you're
old and you're like, no, no,

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I'm a big mouth. I teach
et cetera, et cetera. All

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right, when we come back.
We would love to think that love is

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all about luck, but I always
say it's about skill. Well, there's

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research to show that you can actually
do a few things to create instant chemistry

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in love. You single, I
want you to listen, not when we

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come back. You're listening to Doctor
Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six

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forty. KFI Am six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.

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This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Producer Kayla, have you ever had

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love at first sight? No?
Me either, not at all. It's

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I like is engaged for a while
as I'm assessing and I like, I

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like like you sapio sexuals, and
you can't tell that from like I'm a

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sapio sexual. I like to be
like a smart man. I need.

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You can't sell that fart. Yeah, you know a lot of people believe

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in love and first sight, but
there's research. In fact, a twenty

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twenty twenty twenty two study showed that
love at first sight is just a strong

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initial attraction. Some people are more
visually wired and they look at someone and

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they feel more attracted, so they
call that love at first sight. There's

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another myth out there, and this
is this idea that love is all about

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luck. I hear people say all
the time, if I could just meet

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the right person, And there they
are going through swiping and swiping and swiping

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on the dating apps, going out
on one more boring date after another,

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because now they're victims of paradox of
choice. The more choice the human brain

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has, the less likely it is
to make a choice, and when it

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does make a choice, it doesn't
value it that much. So they're actually

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ways to create romantic chemistry. I'm
a big believer that we all need to

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have the game board revealed to us. We all need to learn how to

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better navigate the landscape of love.
So study done in twenty twenty two published

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in Perspectives on Psychological Science, found
that romantic chemistry can be broken down into

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three things. Cognitive that means thinking
patterns, effective ways in which emotions are

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displayed, and behavioral actions. So
let's go through each of those things and

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I'll tell you what I mean.
Let's talk about emotional display first. We

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know that falling in love at first
sight is really just a strong visual initial

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attraction. However, if you show
emotion and that emotion is reciprocated, So

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if you laugh together, if you
show empathy towards each other when you share

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stories, this will create feelings of
love better than this idea of trying to

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be cool. I'm just cool.
I'm a little bit distant and cool,

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right, So if you take the
time to really enjoy somebody's chemistry. You

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know, one time years ago,
I was out on a date with a

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guy and he had sadly just lost
his wife, and he talked about her

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for two hours straight. I gave
him a great deal of empathy, but

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he never had a conversation with me. He didn't ask me a lot of

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questions about my life. I tried
to throw in little things. He didn't

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pick up on them. There wasn't
reciprocity because he was in his own sad

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state and he had an empathetic person
sitting beside him who was listening. But

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it wasn't reciprocal. So the other
thing that elevates chemistry is responding to that

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other person and responding to them in
a big way, making them feel good

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about who they are. Now,
if we move from emotions into cognitive,

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this is thinking. People fall in
love when they think alike. If you

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share someone's beliefs, values, morals, their likes, their interests, their

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dislikes. In fact, some people
bond over their dislikes. I have seen

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people in dating profiles put their political
affiliation out there because they want somebody who

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thinks like them. If you have
similarities, you will feel more in love

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with the Now here's the cool thing. You don't have to actually have the

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similarities. You just have to perceive
that you're similar together, and people do

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that at the beginning of relationship.
Oh my god, there's so much like

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me. They love to snowboard too. Oh my god, he drinks red

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wine. Oh I love it.
Because he likes to go skating. Right,

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whatever it is, you get so
excited because somebody shares an interest.

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And the big behavior to create instant
chemistry is so simple. It's honesty and

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candor if you can have open and
meaningful conversations from the get go. I

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know I've told this story before,
but I'll tell you again. On my

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very first quick coffee date with my
now fiance Julio, I said, instead

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of us selling each other and basically
trying to tell each other how datable we

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are, why don't we tell a
story about how undtable we are? And

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he went, okay, you go
first. I told him a couple of

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things, and then he told me
his big story and we shared empathy with

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each other. Right, we were
honest. The spark came because we were

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two honest, open people. This
helps people feel safe and secure and it

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feels like being a real person.
Right. I have in the past been

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on dates with people who were so
cool they felt untouchable, they didn't feel

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real. Right, being nervous and
saying you're nervous is more likely going to

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get a feeling of love and humanity
than being cool or just being honest.

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I mean not humor that's completely self
deprecating all the time because that makes you

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look insecure. But just being honest
about being a human being, this actually

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creates feelings of love, And so
I encourage you to fall in love in

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an intentional way. Don't let love
just grab you by the whatever and pull

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you into some delusion. Say to
yourself, Okay, I've read this profile.

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The person on paper looks good.
What can I do to create a

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real emotional connection here? You know, I remember one time going on a

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date with a guy. We didn't
hit it off, although interesting enough,

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I contacted him a couple of times
years later for business stuff because he was

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real. And you know what he
said to me. He said, I

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looked you up and I see that
you're a relationship expert. I just want

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to I'm just wondering if you're doing
research here, because you know, we're

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just a bunch of humans hanging our
heart out. And it was so sweet

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the way he said it. It
was so honest, and I said,

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no, no, no, I'm
not doing research at all, although here

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I am talking about the date here, so it was good research. But

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anyway, because he was so real
and genuine, I felt comfortable reaching out

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to him in years later about some
business questions and such, even though romance

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was not in the cards for us. Because we're human beings speaking of romance

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that may not work out. Maybe
you're somebody who's been put in the friend

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zone. Maybe you're somebody who puts
someone in the friend zone. Can we

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talk about what that means, why
it's legitimate, and how each of you

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should be handling yourself. Now,
this is super important. You're listening to

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the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI
AM six forty we live everywhere on the

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00:18:23.759 --> 00:18:30.160
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor
Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six

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00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:34.279
forty s AFIM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This

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00:18:34.680 --> 00:18:38.920
is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
I want to welcome my Instagram audience.

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Hey Instagram, if you're watching,
why don't you show me where you're watching

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00:18:41.480 --> 00:18:45.759
from? Oh, I see already, from all over the country and all

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00:18:45.799 --> 00:18:49.759
over the state Orange County, Arizona. Just punch in a city or state.

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00:18:49.839 --> 00:18:53.200
Let me know you where you're watching
from. If you want to listen

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00:18:53.240 --> 00:18:56.640
to the full show, The Doctor
Wendy Wall Show you just download the iHeartRadio

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00:18:56.720 --> 00:19:02.599
app and search doctor Wendy Waller WESH
in a couple segments, I'm going to

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00:19:02.599 --> 00:19:07.000
be going into my dms and looking
for your relationship questions. Oh look,

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Kansas and Bali. I want to
be in Bali. That's cool in West

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Virginia. A lot of people listen
to our We're on an app now,

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so we're everywhere, all right.
I want to talk about the friend zone.

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It has a negative connotation, but
I think evolutionary psychologists would say it's

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a very necessary part of our social
organization. Might have had a different name

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in times past. So first of
all, what is somebody who's been in

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the friend zone. It tends to
be somebody who is regarded as a platonic

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friend. However, they have a
romantic interest in the person who's regarding them

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as a platonic friend. Now,
these kinds of relationships can happen in heterosexual

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relationships, in se sex relationships.
When we use the term friend zone and

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say oh, I've been put in
the friend zone, it's commonly associated with

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heterosexual males. Right, they hang
out with these women. They try to

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be the nice guy. They think
if I just am nice to her,

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She's going to fall in love with
me. However, the situation can be

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particularly painful. If you're the one
who's been put in the friend zone,

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it can feel very confusing. Now, I do want to say that having

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friends in the friend zone, people
of all genders, is important for our

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social support. We do not do
well in isolation. We all need a

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social support network out there. But
if there's somebody out there that has unrequited

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love and unrequited feelings, then it
can be very, very painful. I

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did some research because I was trying
to figure out, like where the term

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came from, Like, Kayla,
how often does it seem like it just

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cropped up? Or has it been
around her zone? Yeah, it was

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actually creative from an episode of Friends. They said it in one of their

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00:21:00.960 --> 00:21:04.680
earlier that Yeah, I'm a huge
Friends fan. Oh yeah, I watched

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some Friends on the plane last week. Isn't it great? Yeah? Rachel's

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hair. I used to have her
hair. Yeah, did you get a

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hair Oh I had the haircut.
Oh wow. I was hosting extra at

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the time and we all rushed together. She hated that haircut. She hated

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it. Yes, that's what she
was a good actress and she was known

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for her hair. It's like crazy, yes. So in nineteen ninety four,

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there was an episode of Friends called
the One with the Blackout and Joey

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tells Ross that he's in the friend
zone because he waited too long to make

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his move on Rachel. However,
that phrase didn't become mainstream until about two

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decades later. You know, it's
really important for our mental health to keep

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a roster of backup mates around us. Oh oh oh, even if you're

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married, even you're happy, even
if you're in a secure relationship and you're

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not planning on leaving and nobody's planning
on leaving, we have an evolutionary survival

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tool that has our brain thinking,
well, if something ever happened, right,

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who would I be with? So
we kind of keep backup mates,

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and putting people in the friend zone
makes them a kind of backup mate.

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Now here's the problem. People in
the friend zone are often very unhappy,

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right, they're in love with hope. They think, if I'd just be

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nice to this person, if I
do nice things for her or him,

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they'll eventually turn around and like me. And the person who's put them in

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the friend zone knows that they're not
going to have a romantic relationship with them

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unless something happened, unless they were
completely desperate, unless everyone else was gone.

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So it's like, unconsciously, one
knows they've got a backup mate,

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and the other knows they got a
little bit of a chance. But it's

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00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:57.839
tiny, right, that's the problem. That's where the pain comes from.

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So what you should do if you
are trapped in the friend zone and you're

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00:23:03.880 --> 00:23:07.039
in pain about it? You don't
like being By the way, when I

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was a young single woman, I
used to have a roster of friend zone

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guys. I used to call them
because I guess friend zone wasn't used so

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much. Then, I called them
my hovermen. They were men who were

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hovering around, but I wasn't actually
dating them. But if I needed someone

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to take the car to the shop
with me, or fix my dryer or

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00:23:23.759 --> 00:23:26.839
hook up my speaker or whatever,
I could call them and they would come

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up right away. They would come
over right away, and I just called

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them my hovermen. But I guess
they were in the friend zone and they

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were hopeful. So if you are
in the friend zone, and if you

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00:23:38.319 --> 00:23:44.440
don't like the feeling, I'm going
to tell you that you should dump all

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00:23:44.559 --> 00:23:48.039
hope. You're a friend. You're
only ever going to be a friend.

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Nothing's going to change. Okay,
so I know it's painful. Hey,

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00:23:52.400 --> 00:23:55.599
let's looking at me like that is
some harsh advice. That was rough.

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You gotta dump all hope. If
you're sitting there just picking up romantic breadcrumbs

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00:24:02.279 --> 00:24:04.640
and hoping she's gonna dump that other
person or he's gonna dump that other girl,

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00:24:04.920 --> 00:24:11.400
you're gonna live in purgatory forever and
be really, really unhappy. On

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the other hand, I want to
put some of the responsibility to the person

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00:24:14.440 --> 00:24:19.039
who has put the parson in the
friend zone. Boundaries boundaries, boundaries,

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00:24:19.960 --> 00:24:26.440
do not lead them on. Don't
be physically affectionate. They will read something

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00:24:26.559 --> 00:24:30.359
into that. Don't flirt with them, don't kiss them, don't hug them,

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00:24:30.880 --> 00:24:33.319
and you're gonna have to make it
clear that the two of you are

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just friends. And you're gonna have
to make it clear over and over because

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00:24:37.759 --> 00:24:40.000
not, like well I told them
at the beginning, I don't know why

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00:24:40.039 --> 00:24:42.880
they're so mad now, Yeah,
because you didn't say it over and over

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00:24:42.920 --> 00:24:48.079
and over and maybe your actions didn't
match your words. Your actions have to

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00:24:48.119 --> 00:24:52.319
match your words. I remember one
time there was this guy and someone had

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00:24:52.359 --> 00:24:56.920
a married couple kind of fixed us
up and we had something in common,

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00:24:56.960 --> 00:25:00.000
which is we were both doing charity
work at the time for a similar charity.

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00:25:00.119 --> 00:25:02.640
And he would pick me up and
we would drive to the place and

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we would do our stuff, and
sometimes we would have lunch afterwards, or

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00:25:06.599 --> 00:25:10.319
we would do some stuff, and
anyway, this went on where we probably

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00:25:10.359 --> 00:25:15.640
saw each other I don't know ten
times. But he wasn't like flirting with

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00:25:15.680 --> 00:25:18.200
me, but yet it began as
a fix up, right, So I

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00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:21.759
was really confused, and so one
day I just said to him we were

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00:25:21.839 --> 00:25:25.240
driving the car, and go,
why aren't you coming on to me?

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00:25:25.799 --> 00:25:27.640
So I worded it because you know, he spent a lot of time heterosexual

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00:25:27.640 --> 00:25:30.480
woman had her sexual man you in
cars whatever, And he goes, I

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00:25:30.519 --> 00:25:36.079
don't know, I guess I'm not
that attracted to you. I'm so glad

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00:25:36.119 --> 00:25:38.000
he said that, he said,
really a really honest way. I would

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00:25:38.000 --> 00:25:41.359
have cried, well, it didn't
feel good, but I have my own

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self esteem, right, So I
was like, oh, all right,

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well, maybe I should fixure it. I did. I fixed him up

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00:25:47.720 --> 00:25:48.920
with a girlfriend. I'm like,
oh, are they together still? Do

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00:25:48.920 --> 00:25:52.279
they get married. No, it
turns out I was saved from a lot.

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00:25:53.039 --> 00:25:56.720
It turns out he was very emotionally
avoidant. He was the kind of

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00:25:56.720 --> 00:26:03.279
guy who would never sleep over sex
and go or sex and kick her out.

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00:26:03.599 --> 00:26:04.839
Is your friend still your friend after
you hooked her up with that guy?

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00:26:06.319 --> 00:26:08.559
Yeah, she's just hung in there
for all that until she finally said

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00:26:08.680 --> 00:26:11.759
enough, right, I know,
I know. So sometimes you could be

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00:26:11.759 --> 00:26:17.160
put in like I was put in
the friend zone. And there are plenty

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00:26:17.279 --> 00:26:19.960
of angry men in my past who
did not like being in my friend zone.

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00:26:19.960 --> 00:26:23.759
But you know what, they put
themselves there. That's what I feel

359
00:26:25.200 --> 00:26:29.599
like. I'm honest. I literally
would talk to these guys about the guys

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I'm dating. You know I'm dating, so like they're a girlfriend to me,

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and they wouldn't get that hint.
That's what I want to say.

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Hints don't count. Obviously I did
that wrong. Hints don't count. You

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00:26:40.559 --> 00:26:44.160
have to be very clear that you're
not into somebody. On the other hand,

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00:26:44.920 --> 00:26:48.799
evolutionary psychologists say that we all need
backup mates just in the back of

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00:26:48.880 --> 00:26:52.680
our mind. It's better for our
mental health because if you put all your

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00:26:52.759 --> 00:26:57.119
emotional eggs in one basket in one
relationship, then you could be at risk

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if something happened, person broke up
with you or God forbid, they died

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00:27:02.799 --> 00:27:06.400
or something, then you've got to
find some start over. So we all

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kind of have backup mates. Nothing
wrong with that. But if you're in

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the friend zone and you're unhappy,
leave it because you're giving that person permission

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00:27:14.960 --> 00:27:18.359
to treat you that way. If
that's what's happening, all right, when

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00:27:18.400 --> 00:27:22.960
we come back, let us talk
about what the most common deal breakers are

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in a relationship. And if you're
somebody who gets the X about something someone

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00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:33.200
does, does that mean the relationship
should be over and you shouldn't be there

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00:27:33.640 --> 00:27:37.240
or what do you do about it? We'll talk about this when we come

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00:27:37.279 --> 00:27:41.079
back. You are listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six

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00:27:41.200 --> 00:27:45.119
forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy

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00:27:45.160 --> 00:27:51.759
Walsh on demand from KFI AM six
forty. In KFI AM six you have

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00:27:51.799 --> 00:27:53.480
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This
is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd

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00:27:53.480 --> 00:27:56.720
like to will go welcome my TikTok
viewers. Hi, guys, how are

381
00:27:56.759 --> 00:28:00.519
you doing. Always let me know
where you're watching from. It's really fun

382
00:28:00.519 --> 00:28:03.720
to see where a lot of you
in California TikTok can be sometimes around the

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00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:07.319
world. All Right, I'm known
as America's relationship expert because I've written three

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00:28:07.400 --> 00:28:14.279
books on relationships, did a dissertation
on attachment therapy attachment theory. I'll get

385
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:15.799
it out. I don't know.
My coffee's not kicked in, Kayla or

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00:28:15.799 --> 00:28:22.720
something. And I've been writing about
the science of love for a few decades.

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00:28:22.000 --> 00:28:26.160
I'm not a therapist. I'm a
psychology professor, but I'm obsessed with

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00:28:26.240 --> 00:28:32.160
love. And one of the things
this week I spoke on I do often

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00:28:32.240 --> 00:28:37.279
segments for nine Network Australia if any
Ozzies are watching now, and they asked

390
00:28:37.279 --> 00:28:44.599
me to talk about deal breakers,
but in particular those small little things that

391
00:28:44.640 --> 00:28:51.200
your partner does that just give you
the X and does that mean the relationship

392
00:28:51.240 --> 00:28:55.960
is over? So I looked deep
into the research and you will not be

393
00:28:56.119 --> 00:29:02.039
surprised by what the most common deal
breakers are. Do you want a guess

394
00:29:02.079 --> 00:29:06.119
one? The biggest one Kayla,
no money, no money, No,

395
00:29:07.440 --> 00:29:11.119
it's kind of one of them.
Yeah, the biggest one actually is poor

396
00:29:11.240 --> 00:29:14.759
hygiene. Yeah, that's a good
one. That's a good one. We

397
00:29:14.799 --> 00:29:18.799
do not like that. We do
not like that. We like people to

398
00:29:18.880 --> 00:29:23.480
be clean. You know, one
time I was traveling on a date with

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00:29:23.519 --> 00:29:29.640
a doctor. No less, you
would think a doctor would be very concerned

400
00:29:29.640 --> 00:29:33.920
with germs and hygiene. And he
said to me, it was late at

401
00:29:33.000 --> 00:29:37.680
night, no way to go out. He said, hey, hope you

402
00:29:37.720 --> 00:29:41.880
don't mind. I forgot my toothbrush, so I just used yours. What

403
00:29:42.200 --> 00:29:48.640
yes, you did what I know? So the next morning I had to

404
00:29:48.680 --> 00:29:51.000
wake up and I couldn't even brush
my own teeth. I was doing a

405
00:29:51.000 --> 00:29:55.319
finger with the toothpaste until I ran
out to buy a new one. No,

406
00:29:55.440 --> 00:29:56.599
girls don't fly with that. No, yeah, that's not okay.

407
00:29:56.799 --> 00:30:00.799
Did you know there's research to show, actually that guys have a much lower

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tolerance or higher tolerance for disgust the
feeling of disgust women, because if you

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00:30:07.559 --> 00:30:11.000
think in our evolutionary past, we
had to keep a baby alive and safe

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00:30:11.000 --> 00:30:15.079
and away from germs. We had
to keep you know, sex is germy

411
00:30:15.200 --> 00:30:18.039
and dirty, so they had to
like, we have to be clean.

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Okay, we like clean houses.
Yeah, all right, poor hygiene Number

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00:30:22.799 --> 00:30:30.119
one deal breaker in relationships next unemployment. You're right, Kayla called it no

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money, no money. But you
know relationships are about survival, right,

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00:30:34.839 --> 00:30:38.279
and it's an exchange of care.
We do know that care can take many

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00:30:38.400 --> 00:30:44.039
forms, right. It can be
it can be financial care, it can

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00:30:44.079 --> 00:30:48.640
be sexual care, it can be
emotional care, it can be domestic care,

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domestic responsibilities. But taking on somebody
who has long term unemployment means that

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00:30:56.759 --> 00:30:59.839
they're going to be a burden to
you. So that's number two according to

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00:31:00.119 --> 00:31:07.640
Search of the deal Breakers. Number
three especially for women. Anger management issues.

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00:31:07.160 --> 00:31:11.960
Now, I say especially for women, because if a woman is ever

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00:31:11.079 --> 00:31:17.160
hurt or god forbid, murdered,
the biggest chance it's going to be somebody

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00:31:17.200 --> 00:31:25.200
she's in an intimate relationship with intimate
partner. Violence is real. However,

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00:31:26.119 --> 00:31:30.960
one time, in the very early
stages of dating my fiance, I was

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00:31:32.039 --> 00:31:33.400
driving the car with my daughter and
I was on the phone with him,

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00:31:33.480 --> 00:31:37.480
and she was driving, and she
has a lead foot, and she was

427
00:31:37.559 --> 00:31:41.799
driving very fast, and I stopped
to go stop right yelled at her,

428
00:31:41.839 --> 00:31:45.119
because all moms yell at some point
in their life, even if they're the

429
00:31:45.119 --> 00:31:49.039
sweetest mom in the world like I
am. We Yah so when I got

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00:31:49.039 --> 00:31:52.640
to see him later, he was
very distant and stand offish, and it

431
00:31:52.680 --> 00:31:56.359
was so strange. I'm like,
what is going on? And he goes,

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00:31:56.400 --> 00:32:00.160
I just don't like female anger.
I have a problem with it.

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00:32:00.200 --> 00:32:04.000
Turns out he had a yelly mom, so he's a sensitive boy. So

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00:32:04.079 --> 00:32:07.160
I now work hard to curb my
yelling around him because I know it hurts

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00:32:07.200 --> 00:32:10.720
him just saying people don't like the
anger management issues. And of course the

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00:32:10.759 --> 00:32:16.519
fourth one on our big list of
the big most common deal breakers infidelity cheating.

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00:32:16.839 --> 00:32:20.200
If you find out that someone's been
a cheater in the past, you're

438
00:32:20.200 --> 00:32:22.480
gonna be like, ew w,
it's a cheater, always a cheater,

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00:32:22.559 --> 00:32:25.440
is what people think, right.
So the question is how can you figure

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00:32:25.440 --> 00:32:29.599
out what your limits are? Because
some people have, you know, they

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00:32:29.599 --> 00:32:31.759
don't have a healthy model for love
in their head, and they don't know

442
00:32:31.799 --> 00:32:37.039
what's normal and what feels right or
what feels wrong. And some people just

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00:32:37.160 --> 00:32:42.000
have a feeling of ick. Now
I don't mean ick like disgust, but

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00:32:42.160 --> 00:32:45.799
just like ugh that bugs me about
them. So I ask yourself, if

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00:32:45.799 --> 00:32:52.000
there is this issue, whatever it
may be, can you accept the behavior

446
00:32:52.480 --> 00:32:55.000
like understanding that we're not there to
change anybody else. And maybe it's something

447
00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:59.960
small, like how they roll the
toothpaste up, or which direction they unrolled

448
00:33:00.119 --> 00:33:02.400
toilet paper, whatever, Some of
those small things become big things down the

449
00:33:02.480 --> 00:33:07.079
road. Not putting the toilett down, the toilet lid. I hate that

450
00:33:07.400 --> 00:33:08.920
men have to put the toilet lid
down. Gentlemen, listen, do you

451
00:33:08.960 --> 00:33:14.279
know the fecal manner matter can fly
fifteen feet? Think about where your toothbrush

452
00:33:14.359 --> 00:33:16.440
is now, right, Put the
lid down, not the seat, the

453
00:33:16.519 --> 00:33:20.880
lid on top of the seat.
Put it down. I was talking to

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00:33:20.920 --> 00:33:23.319
a woman recently. She told me
her young adult son happened to be experiencing

455
00:33:23.359 --> 00:33:29.480
incarceration right now. And she said, in that small cell that they're all

456
00:33:29.559 --> 00:33:34.440
using the same toilet. That's his
biggest concern is fecal matter flying around.

457
00:33:34.839 --> 00:33:39.640
So they have a deal. They
put a towel over it. Just when

458
00:33:39.640 --> 00:33:43.359
I was about to become a law
abiding citizen. Now I understand I don't

459
00:33:43.359 --> 00:33:46.680
have to. They got towels,
You get data, criminals, clean and

460
00:33:46.759 --> 00:33:50.680
diety. It'll be easy, all
right. So ask yourself, can you

461
00:33:50.720 --> 00:33:53.079
accept the behavior because you can't change
them? Also ask them, is it

462
00:33:53.240 --> 00:33:58.559
fair to ask them to change the
behavior. And if both answers are no,

463
00:33:59.359 --> 00:34:01.759
you can't accept and it's not fair
to ask him to change. It's

464
00:34:01.799 --> 00:34:06.319
just who they are. Then you
need to either leave or suffer. That's

465
00:34:06.400 --> 00:34:08.639
up to you. I'm going to
close with an example. So, my

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00:34:08.719 --> 00:34:13.840
sweet Julio, my fiance, has
a weird little habit. He loves drawers.

467
00:34:13.960 --> 00:34:16.880
He has dresser drawers and drawers in
the closet drawers or his thing drawers.

468
00:34:16.920 --> 00:34:22.719
He loves drawers and so he never
closes them all all the way they're

469
00:34:22.840 --> 00:34:24.719
one is open, inch, another
two inches whatever. And I go by

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00:34:24.719 --> 00:34:29.960
and I look at that perfectly designed
some designer made that beautiful dresser, but

471
00:34:30.079 --> 00:34:35.639
everything's askew. So I decided I
could nag him about it, or I

472
00:34:35.679 --> 00:34:39.880
could create a workout for myself.
And so now whenever I see the drawers

473
00:34:39.920 --> 00:34:45.440
open, I go into a deep
Sumu squat. I use knees or ankles

474
00:34:45.519 --> 00:34:50.280
or elbows. I pirouette and spin
around. And every time I close a

475
00:34:50.360 --> 00:34:52.960
door, I say, I love
you, Julio, I love you,

476
00:34:52.039 --> 00:34:55.840
Julio, I love you, Julio. And he's in the other room laughing,

477
00:34:57.679 --> 00:35:01.719
and I'm laughing too, because really
our open drawers a reason too.

478
00:35:02.440 --> 00:35:05.440
I don't mean it that way,
not those kind of drawers. I mean

479
00:35:05.559 --> 00:35:09.239
dresser drawers. Our open drawers a
reason to break up. I don't think

480
00:35:09.239 --> 00:35:13.679
so. Does he have to change? No, it's my problem. I'm

481
00:35:13.719 --> 00:35:15.519
the one that doesn't like it.
So fix it, Wendy and make it

482
00:35:15.559 --> 00:35:19.480
happy. That's what I do,
and I think we can all do this

483
00:35:19.840 --> 00:35:22.639
all right. When we come back, I'm going to go into my social

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00:35:22.679 --> 00:35:25.280
media looking at my dms, and
I'm going to answer your relationship question.

485
00:35:25.440 --> 00:35:29.400
Send me a DM. You are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on

486
00:35:29.480 --> 00:35:36.519
KFI AM six forty. We are
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've

487
00:35:36.559 --> 00:35:38.719
been listening to Doctor Wendy Waalsh.
You can always hear us live on KFI

488
00:35:38.880 --> 00:35:44.480
AM six forty from seven to nine
pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on

489
00:35:44.559 --> 00:35:45.719
the iHeartRadio app