This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh
Show. Welcome to my show where I talk about all our relationships, our
love relationships, our family relationships. Later in the show, I have a
very special author on who wrote a book about adult bullies. You know any
of those in your life. They can be he says, they could be
anywhere at church, in the workplace, in your family. How to handle
adult bullies. Also, so many people tell me that they're not sure what
it feels like to have a secure attachment and what good love feels like.
So I want to talk about how secure people think and behave in their relationships.
And if you are somebody who's maybe been I'm sorry put in the friend
zone. I'm gonna give you some advice. But first, producer, Kayla,
how are you you with me? I am wonderful, I'm with you.
How are you good? The break, We've been talking a lot about
Puff Daddy, Sean Puffy, colmbs P did D did D and Sean Love
cold Well brother Love. That didn't stick, But that was another name he
tried to give himself yet. Okay, this is one person we're referring to
who has had many names men as an artist over the years. Okay,
if you don't know, he's a rapper and record producer. Born in New
York, he worked at Uptown Records, and then he founded his own record
label, bad Boy Records, back in nineteen seventy three. His music career
in nineteen ninety ninety three, did I say seventy three? You did?
I'm just like back in a disco somewhere. That was a good time.
Quit it was good, The music was great. His music career includes eleven
number one songs, three Grammy Awards, all kinds of producer credits on hundreds
of songs. However, he's in the news recently because last year, his
former girlfriend, Cassie Ventura, accused him of raping her in twenty eighteen and
accused him of years of abuse over the course of their relationship. This is
in civil court, not criminal, because it's outside the statute of limitations.
Now, these two settled back in November. He claimed at the time.
None of it was true. None of it was true. It's just that
he's a wealthy, famous man and people are going to try to get money
from him. By the way, there are seven other civil lawsuits that are
pending that accused him of sexual misconduct and other illegal activity. He continues to
deny all the claims from many of these civil suits. He has not responded
to the allegations. However, then CNN let loose a video in the last
couple weeks of him done by a hotel he physically assaulted Cassie Ventura, his
ex girlfriend. Now, the DA's office said this incident was still outside the
statute of limitations, so they couldn't prosecute. However, the video could become
evidence in on this ongoing federal investigation. Member a couple months back, they
and they searched his couple of his houses. They put his young adult sons
and handcussed in like that part, but you know they were really hardcore.
He apparently paid that hotel back back in twenty sixteen about fifty thousand dollars not
to release the video footage. So the current management say, well, we
weren't management at the time. None of our business, right but I'm wondering,
is there a suit there? Like, That's what I'm thinking. I'm
thinking what happened because fifty's actually not that much money for a tape like that.
I'm thinking could the two security guards who were on their shift at that
time been the ones who said, Man, okay, if you give us
each twenty five, you can have that tape. Yeah. And I'm also
wondering how did the tape get released? I know CNN released it, but
how did they get it? If he bought it from the hotel, maybe
the investigators found it in that raid, ah and they released it to the
media. Can't sue them, That's what I'm thinking now. Last week he
posted an apology video You're rolling your eyes producer Kayle that was so upset,
like, just nobody wants to hear from you, nobody wants to see you.
Stop. You denied it all. Yeah, the thing that you what
a funny way of saying it earlier? You like he's at court going I
did nothing, Oh except maybe there's that one thing now remember right exactly?
But you denied it all now you Oh you I forgot about that word.
I'm sorry, I go what bothered me about the apology video is he was
apologizing to his fans for not living up to their idea of who they think
he is. He claims he went to therapy, but there was no apology
to his victim, and people are saying that's because he's not according to their
old lawsuit. Lawsuit, he's not allowed to say her name or acknowledge her,
or at least say her name. Say her name. He's allowed he
could say, in a vague way, victim. My heart goes out to
victims of domestic violence. Anything I have done hurt anybody, I'm so so
sorry. No is it any of that? And that tape was triggering for
me. For you, I'm a survivor of domestic violence, it was triggering
for you. You had a stalk her once. Sorry, I just just
your business out there. I think it goes under the umbrella of domestic violence
as well. And it looks so dangerous you just google it online because it's
it's terrible, but don't look at it. And if you're going to be
triggered. But she could have died. I mean she was on the floor
in front of the elevator trying to escape. He dragged her down to the
floor and he was kicking her. He could have kicked her in the head
and killed her. It looked like a horror movie. It was. She
looked like a lifeless body as he was dragging her back. So anyway,
all I'm saying is it's not over. I'm keeping this story alive while the
Feds are busy with their investigation, because apparently they can still use this video
in any future trials for other their allegations supposedly of money laundering, illegal drugs,
sex crimes. They could come at and with a whole bunch of stuff
and this could be show up as evidence. Just saying, all right,
can we talk about our healthy relationships? Now? Yes, that's an unhealthy
relationship, very unhealthy. People often ask me how to secure people act in
relationships and how can you tell if somebody's emotionally secure? And there are a
few ways. For one, it's really important that you understand that secure people
are not like what's the word cool and aloof and all together. What they
are is they know how to be interdependent, which means when a secure person
has needs emotional needs or physical needs, they know how to reach out to
others for help and guidance and support and they're not embarrassed or in shamed or
feeling weak for having to reach out for guidance. Right. The other thing
is they can be a shoulder to lean on. They're not gonna make fun
of you for your feelings either. They're gonna be like coming bribe. Let's
talk about that. So interdependence is different from independence. Interdependence means that you
can lean on each other's shoulders. The other thing that secure people are not
afraid of is the ability to say no. They have good boundaries. You
know, some people feel like if they say no, they're gonna make the
other person feel bad. I've heard that so many times, like, well,
if I'm so strong and I say that, and you know, they're
gonna make the other person feel bad and I don't want to hurt them.
Okay, I'm gonna say it. I'm probably gonna say it again. I've
said it before, I'm gonna continue to say it. In my life,
nobody can make somebody else feel a certain way. People can behave in abusive
ways, and you can choose to feel like a victim and have a feeling
as a result of it, but that's on you. You can walk away
from an abusive person too, and choose not to feel like a victim.
So therefore, if you want to say no and have a boundary, it's
not It doesn't matter what their experience is. Now how you say no is
important. Right. If they say, hey, honey, we have not
gone out in a while. Can we please go out to a fancy restaurant
That's gonna cost way more money than we can afford. Now, what do
you think? What have I made of money? No, that's not what
you say. You say, Oh, that sounds so wonderful. I'd love
to do that, honey, but we can't afford it. So the answer
is no. Is there another thing we could do? Maybe make a picnic
together? Right? That's how a secure person owns their no. The other
thing that secure people do is they don't get threatened by change. They understand
and adapt. So if you say, hey, you know, I've been
so bundled up with you lately, I'm gonna go out with my girlfriends a
little more because I feel like I need to get my social support back,
they're not gonna go what do you who are going out with? I'm not
good enough? Right, They're able to go, Oh, that's cool,
I should probably go out with my buddies more too. That's fine. We're
good as long as we can come back together, right. The other thing
is they have great empathy for when others are in pain, and they have
great empathy and want to help others when they're struggling, but they do not
feel that the other person's struggle is their responsibility. I want you to listen
closer to that. You can have empathy, you can care, you can
do kind things for somebody, but fixing them, healing them, making their
life better is not your responsibility. It's their responsibility. And here's my favorite.
Secure people respond to criticism with curiosity instead of defensiveness. They might say
things like, oh, am, I like that. That's interesting. I
think I'll work on that. That's how a secure person behaves in a relationship.
Am I like that? Heyla, Am I like that? Yeah,
Yeah, you're great. I'm a big mouth, and I now own it.
I used to be sensitive to it when people say I talk too much,
Well, you know, I got sent out of the classroom and had
my desk in the hallway in elementary school for talking too much, and then
I was shushed a lot by men before in workplaces back when they didn't allow
women to have voices. And you know, you get grown up and you
go, you know what, I'm gonna own it because your voice is a
big power, and now I make money with my voice. People throw rocks
at things that shine. They always throw rocks at your gifts because they want
to stifle them because they feel bad about themselves. And when you're young,
it feels painful. But now you're old and you're like, no, no,
I'm a big mouth. I teach et cetera, et cetera. All
right, when we come back. We would love to think that love is
all about luck, but I always say it's about skill. Well, there's
research to show that you can actually do a few things to create instant chemistry
in love. You single, I want you to listen, not when we
come back. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six
forty. KFI Am six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Producer Kayla, have you ever had
love at first sight? No? Me either, not at all. It's
I like is engaged for a while as I'm assessing and I like, I
like like you sapio sexuals, and you can't tell that from like I'm a
sapio sexual. I like to be like a smart man. I need.
You can't sell that fart. Yeah, you know a lot of people believe
in love and first sight, but there's research. In fact, a twenty
twenty twenty twenty two study showed that love at first sight is just a strong
initial attraction. Some people are more visually wired and they look at someone and
they feel more attracted, so they call that love at first sight. There's
another myth out there, and this is this idea that love is all about
luck. I hear people say all the time, if I could just meet
the right person, And there they are going through swiping and swiping and swiping
on the dating apps, going out on one more boring date after another,
because now they're victims of paradox of choice. The more choice the human brain
has, the less likely it is to make a choice, and when it
does make a choice, it doesn't value it that much. So they're actually
ways to create romantic chemistry. I'm a big believer that we all need to
have the game board revealed to us. We all need to learn how to
better navigate the landscape of love. So study done in twenty twenty two published
in Perspectives on Psychological Science, found that romantic chemistry can be broken down into
three things. Cognitive that means thinking patterns, effective ways in which emotions are
displayed, and behavioral actions. So let's go through each of those things and
I'll tell you what I mean. Let's talk about emotional display first. We
know that falling in love at first sight is really just a strong visual initial
attraction. However, if you show emotion and that emotion is reciprocated, So
if you laugh together, if you show empathy towards each other when you share
stories, this will create feelings of love better than this idea of trying to
be cool. I'm just cool. I'm a little bit distant and cool,
right, So if you take the time to really enjoy somebody's chemistry. You
know, one time years ago, I was out on a date with a
guy and he had sadly just lost his wife, and he talked about her
for two hours straight. I gave him a great deal of empathy, but
he never had a conversation with me. He didn't ask me a lot of
questions about my life. I tried to throw in little things. He didn't
pick up on them. There wasn't reciprocity because he was in his own sad
state and he had an empathetic person sitting beside him who was listening. But
it wasn't reciprocal. So the other thing that elevates chemistry is responding to that
other person and responding to them in a big way, making them feel good
about who they are. Now, if we move from emotions into cognitive,
this is thinking. People fall in love when they think alike. If you
share someone's beliefs, values, morals, their likes, their interests, their
dislikes. In fact, some people bond over their dislikes. I have seen
people in dating profiles put their political affiliation out there because they want somebody who
thinks like them. If you have similarities, you will feel more in love
with the Now here's the cool thing. You don't have to actually have the
similarities. You just have to perceive that you're similar together, and people do
that at the beginning of relationship. Oh my god, there's so much like
me. They love to snowboard too. Oh my god, he drinks red
wine. Oh I love it. Because he likes to go skating. Right,
whatever it is, you get so excited because somebody shares an interest.
And the big behavior to create instant chemistry is so simple. It's honesty and
candor if you can have open and meaningful conversations from the get go. I
know I've told this story before, but I'll tell you again. On my
very first quick coffee date with my now fiance Julio, I said, instead
of us selling each other and basically trying to tell each other how datable we
are, why don't we tell a story about how undtable we are? And
he went, okay, you go first. I told him a couple of
things, and then he told me his big story and we shared empathy with
each other. Right, we were honest. The spark came because we were
two honest, open people. This helps people feel safe and secure and it
feels like being a real person. Right. I have in the past been
on dates with people who were so cool they felt untouchable, they didn't feel
real. Right, being nervous and saying you're nervous is more likely going to
get a feeling of love and humanity than being cool or just being honest.
I mean not humor that's completely self deprecating all the time because that makes you
look insecure. But just being honest about being a human being, this actually
creates feelings of love, And so I encourage you to fall in love in
an intentional way. Don't let love just grab you by the whatever and pull
you into some delusion. Say to yourself, Okay, I've read this profile.
The person on paper looks good. What can I do to create a
real emotional connection here? You know, I remember one time going on a
date with a guy. We didn't hit it off, although interesting enough,
I contacted him a couple of times years later for business stuff because he was
real. And you know what he said to me. He said, I
looked you up and I see that you're a relationship expert. I just want
to I'm just wondering if you're doing research here, because you know, we're
just a bunch of humans hanging our heart out. And it was so sweet
the way he said it. It was so honest, and I said,
no, no, no, I'm not doing research at all, although here
I am talking about the date here, so it was good research. But
anyway, because he was so real and genuine, I felt comfortable reaching out
to him in years later about some business questions and such, even though romance
was not in the cards for us. Because we're human beings speaking of romance
that may not work out. Maybe you're somebody who's been put in the friend
zone. Maybe you're somebody who puts someone in the friend zone. Can we
talk about what that means, why it's legitimate, and how each of you
should be handling yourself. Now, this is super important. You're listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty we live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six
forty s AFIM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This
is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I want to welcome my Instagram audience.
Hey Instagram, if you're watching, why don't you show me where you're watching
from? Oh, I see already, from all over the country and all
over the state Orange County, Arizona. Just punch in a city or state.
Let me know you where you're watching from. If you want to listen
to the full show, The Doctor Wendy Wall Show you just download the iHeartRadio
app and search doctor Wendy Waller WESH in a couple segments, I'm going to
be going into my dms and looking for your relationship questions. Oh look,
Kansas and Bali. I want to be in Bali. That's cool in West
Virginia. A lot of people listen to our We're on an app now,
so we're everywhere, all right. I want to talk about the friend zone.
It has a negative connotation, but I think evolutionary psychologists would say it's
a very necessary part of our social organization. Might have had a different name
in times past. So first of all, what is somebody who's been in
the friend zone. It tends to be somebody who is regarded as a platonic
friend. However, they have a romantic interest in the person who's regarding them
as a platonic friend. Now, these kinds of relationships can happen in heterosexual
relationships, in se sex relationships. When we use the term friend zone and
say oh, I've been put in the friend zone, it's commonly associated with
heterosexual males. Right, they hang out with these women. They try to
be the nice guy. They think if I just am nice to her,
She's going to fall in love with me. However, the situation can be
particularly painful. If you're the one who's been put in the friend zone,
it can feel very confusing. Now, I do want to say that having
friends in the friend zone, people of all genders, is important for our
social support. We do not do well in isolation. We all need a
social support network out there. But if there's somebody out there that has unrequited
love and unrequited feelings, then it can be very, very painful. I
did some research because I was trying to figure out, like where the term
came from, Like, Kayla, how often does it seem like it just
cropped up? Or has it been around her zone? Yeah, it was
actually creative from an episode of Friends. They said it in one of their
earlier that Yeah, I'm a huge Friends fan. Oh yeah, I watched
some Friends on the plane last week. Isn't it great? Yeah? Rachel's
hair. I used to have her hair. Yeah, did you get a
hair Oh I had the haircut. Oh wow. I was hosting extra at
the time and we all rushed together. She hated that haircut. She hated
it. Yes, that's what she was a good actress and she was known
for her hair. It's like crazy, yes. So in nineteen ninety four,
there was an episode of Friends called the One with the Blackout and Joey
tells Ross that he's in the friend zone because he waited too long to make
his move on Rachel. However, that phrase didn't become mainstream until about two
decades later. You know, it's really important for our mental health to keep
a roster of backup mates around us. Oh oh oh, even if you're
married, even you're happy, even if you're in a secure relationship and you're
not planning on leaving and nobody's planning on leaving, we have an evolutionary survival
tool that has our brain thinking, well, if something ever happened, right,
who would I be with? So we kind of keep backup mates,
and putting people in the friend zone makes them a kind of backup mate.
Now here's the problem. People in the friend zone are often very unhappy,
right, they're in love with hope. They think, if I'd just be
nice to this person, if I do nice things for her or him,
they'll eventually turn around and like me. And the person who's put them in
the friend zone knows that they're not going to have a romantic relationship with them
unless something happened, unless they were completely desperate, unless everyone else was gone.
So it's like, unconsciously, one knows they've got a backup mate,
and the other knows they got a little bit of a chance. But it's
tiny, right, that's the problem. That's where the pain comes from.
So what you should do if you are trapped in the friend zone and you're
in pain about it? You don't like being By the way, when I
was a young single woman, I used to have a roster of friend zone
guys. I used to call them because I guess friend zone wasn't used so
much. Then, I called them my hovermen. They were men who were
hovering around, but I wasn't actually dating them. But if I needed someone
to take the car to the shop with me, or fix my dryer or
hook up my speaker or whatever, I could call them and they would come
up right away. They would come over right away, and I just called
them my hovermen. But I guess they were in the friend zone and they
were hopeful. So if you are in the friend zone, and if you
don't like the feeling, I'm going to tell you that you should dump all
hope. You're a friend. You're only ever going to be a friend.
Nothing's going to change. Okay, so I know it's painful. Hey,
let's looking at me like that is some harsh advice. That was rough.
You gotta dump all hope. If you're sitting there just picking up romantic breadcrumbs
and hoping she's gonna dump that other person or he's gonna dump that other girl,
you're gonna live in purgatory forever and be really, really unhappy. On
the other hand, I want to put some of the responsibility to the person
who has put the parson in the friend zone. Boundaries boundaries, boundaries,
do not lead them on. Don't be physically affectionate. They will read something
into that. Don't flirt with them, don't kiss them, don't hug them,
and you're gonna have to make it clear that the two of you are
just friends. And you're gonna have to make it clear over and over because
not, like well I told them at the beginning, I don't know why
they're so mad now, Yeah, because you didn't say it over and over
and over and maybe your actions didn't match your words. Your actions have to
match your words. I remember one time there was this guy and someone had
a married couple kind of fixed us up and we had something in common,
which is we were both doing charity work at the time for a similar charity.
And he would pick me up and we would drive to the place and
we would do our stuff, and sometimes we would have lunch afterwards, or
we would do some stuff, and anyway, this went on where we probably
saw each other I don't know ten times. But he wasn't like flirting with
me, but yet it began as a fix up, right, So I
was really confused, and so one day I just said to him we were
driving the car, and go, why aren't you coming on to me?
So I worded it because you know, he spent a lot of time heterosexual
woman had her sexual man you in cars whatever, And he goes, I
don't know, I guess I'm not that attracted to you. I'm so glad
he said that, he said, really a really honest way. I would
have cried, well, it didn't feel good, but I have my own
self esteem, right, So I was like, oh, all right,
well, maybe I should fixure it. I did. I fixed him up
with a girlfriend. I'm like, oh, are they together still? Do
they get married. No, it turns out I was saved from a lot.
It turns out he was very emotionally avoidant. He was the kind of
guy who would never sleep over sex and go or sex and kick her out.
Is your friend still your friend after you hooked her up with that guy?
Yeah, she's just hung in there for all that until she finally said
enough, right, I know, I know. So sometimes you could be
put in like I was put in the friend zone. And there are plenty
of angry men in my past who did not like being in my friend zone.
But you know what, they put themselves there. That's what I feel
like. I'm honest. I literally would talk to these guys about the guys
I'm dating. You know I'm dating, so like they're a girlfriend to me,
and they wouldn't get that hint. That's what I want to say.
Hints don't count. Obviously I did that wrong. Hints don't count. You
have to be very clear that you're not into somebody. On the other hand,
evolutionary psychologists say that we all need backup mates just in the back of
our mind. It's better for our mental health because if you put all your
emotional eggs in one basket in one relationship, then you could be at risk
if something happened, person broke up with you or God forbid, they died
or something, then you've got to find some start over. So we all
kind of have backup mates. Nothing wrong with that. But if you're in
the friend zone and you're unhappy, leave it because you're giving that person permission
to treat you that way. If that's what's happening, all right, when
we come back, let us talk about what the most common deal breakers are
in a relationship. And if you're somebody who gets the X about something someone
does, does that mean the relationship should be over and you shouldn't be there
or what do you do about it? We'll talk about this when we come
back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six
forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. In KFI AM six you have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd
like to will go welcome my TikTok viewers. Hi, guys, how are
you doing. Always let me know where you're watching from. It's really fun
to see where a lot of you in California TikTok can be sometimes around the
world. All Right, I'm known as America's relationship expert because I've written three
books on relationships, did a dissertation on attachment therapy attachment theory. I'll get
it out. I don't know. My coffee's not kicked in, Kayla or
something. And I've been writing about the science of love for a few decades.
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I'm obsessed with
love. And one of the things this week I spoke on I do often
segments for nine Network Australia if any Ozzies are watching now, and they asked
me to talk about deal breakers, but in particular those small little things that
your partner does that just give you the X and does that mean the relationship
is over? So I looked deep into the research and you will not be
surprised by what the most common deal breakers are. Do you want a guess
one? The biggest one Kayla, no money, no money, No,
it's kind of one of them. Yeah, the biggest one actually is poor
hygiene. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one. We
do not like that. We do not like that. We like people to
be clean. You know, one time I was traveling on a date with
a doctor. No less, you would think a doctor would be very concerned
with germs and hygiene. And he said to me, it was late at
night, no way to go out. He said, hey, hope you
don't mind. I forgot my toothbrush, so I just used yours. What
yes, you did what I know? So the next morning I had to
wake up and I couldn't even brush my own teeth. I was doing a
finger with the toothpaste until I ran out to buy a new one. No,
girls don't fly with that. No, yeah, that's not okay.
Did you know there's research to show, actually that guys have a much lower
tolerance or higher tolerance for disgust the feeling of disgust women, because if you
think in our evolutionary past, we had to keep a baby alive and safe
and away from germs. We had to keep you know, sex is germy
and dirty, so they had to like, we have to be clean.
Okay, we like clean houses. Yeah, all right, poor hygiene Number
one deal breaker in relationships next unemployment. You're right, Kayla called it no
money, no money. But you know relationships are about survival, right,
and it's an exchange of care. We do know that care can take many
forms, right. It can be it can be financial care, it can
be sexual care, it can be emotional care, it can be domestic care,
domestic responsibilities. But taking on somebody who has long term unemployment means that
they're going to be a burden to you. So that's number two according to
Search of the deal Breakers. Number three especially for women. Anger management issues.
Now, I say especially for women, because if a woman is ever
hurt or god forbid, murdered, the biggest chance it's going to be somebody
she's in an intimate relationship with intimate partner. Violence is real. However,
one time, in the very early stages of dating my fiance, I was
driving the car with my daughter and I was on the phone with him,
and she was driving, and she has a lead foot, and she was
driving very fast, and I stopped to go stop right yelled at her,
because all moms yell at some point in their life, even if they're the
sweetest mom in the world like I am. We Yah so when I got
to see him later, he was very distant and stand offish, and it
was so strange. I'm like, what is going on? And he goes,
I just don't like female anger. I have a problem with it.
Turns out he had a yelly mom, so he's a sensitive boy. So
I now work hard to curb my yelling around him because I know it hurts
him just saying people don't like the anger management issues. And of course the
fourth one on our big list of the big most common deal breakers infidelity cheating.
If you find out that someone's been a cheater in the past, you're
gonna be like, ew w, it's a cheater, always a cheater,
is what people think, right. So the question is how can you figure
out what your limits are? Because some people have, you know, they
don't have a healthy model for love in their head, and they don't know
what's normal and what feels right or what feels wrong. And some people just
have a feeling of ick. Now I don't mean ick like disgust, but
just like ugh that bugs me about them. So I ask yourself, if
there is this issue, whatever it may be, can you accept the behavior
like understanding that we're not there to change anybody else. And maybe it's something
small, like how they roll the toothpaste up, or which direction they unrolled
toilet paper, whatever, Some of those small things become big things down the
road. Not putting the toilett down, the toilet lid. I hate that
men have to put the toilet lid down. Gentlemen, listen, do you
know the fecal manner matter can fly fifteen feet? Think about where your toothbrush
is now, right, Put the lid down, not the seat, the
lid on top of the seat. Put it down. I was talking to
a woman recently. She told me her young adult son happened to be experiencing
incarceration right now. And she said, in that small cell that they're all
using the same toilet. That's his biggest concern is fecal matter flying around.
So they have a deal. They put a towel over it. Just when
I was about to become a law abiding citizen. Now I understand I don't
have to. They got towels, You get data, criminals, clean and
diety. It'll be easy, all right. So ask yourself, can you
accept the behavior because you can't change them? Also ask them, is it
fair to ask them to change the behavior. And if both answers are no,
you can't accept and it's not fair to ask him to change. It's
just who they are. Then you need to either leave or suffer. That's
up to you. I'm going to close with an example. So, my
sweet Julio, my fiance, has a weird little habit. He loves drawers.
He has dresser drawers and drawers in the closet drawers or his thing drawers.
He loves drawers and so he never closes them all all the way they're
one is open, inch, another two inches whatever. And I go by
and I look at that perfectly designed some designer made that beautiful dresser, but
everything's askew. So I decided I could nag him about it, or I
could create a workout for myself. And so now whenever I see the drawers
open, I go into a deep Sumu squat. I use knees or ankles
or elbows. I pirouette and spin around. And every time I close a
door, I say, I love you, Julio, I love you,
Julio, I love you, Julio. And he's in the other room laughing,
and I'm laughing too, because really our open drawers a reason too.
I don't mean it that way, not those kind of drawers. I mean
dresser drawers. Our open drawers a reason to break up. I don't think
so. Does he have to change? No, it's my problem. I'm
the one that doesn't like it. So fix it, Wendy and make it
happy. That's what I do, and I think we can all do this
all right. When we come back, I'm going to go into my social
media looking at my dms, and I'm going to answer your relationship question.
Send me a DM. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
KFI AM six forty. We are live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've
been listening to Doctor Wendy Waalsh. You can always hear us live on KFI
AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app