So you know, I'm not always the best at making decisions, like I
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figuring out what I'm going to do with my life, I'm paralyzed. I
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com slash teen girl Talk to get started. Welcome to teen Girl Talk,
Ding girl Talk. I'm Czikoda I'm facing Kota oh Man invoking full Michael Sheen.
That is a good giggle. I rewound and made Dyl watch that part
because I was like, Michael Sheen knew exactly what movie he is in,
and he's giving us what we're here for. Lee hates too. Yeah,
well this movie it was not as bad as Breaking Down Part one. Okay,
yeah, we're doing Breaking Dawn part two. We didn't even say that
yet. Okay, yeah, we're finishing our Twilight rewatch, well not really
rewatch, but like we're finishing Twilight two months with Twilight Breaking Dawn part two.
And if you would listening to our Heart episode about the first part,
that one was full of body heart. This one like it just transcends,
like at parts it's really boring and then at other parts it's really middling,
and the other parts it's really good. This movie spent so much time messing
about, like they so much time kind of just fuffing around and not doing
anything. This is this is a group project. This is like a group
project that you do with your friends where you guys just fuck around and then
like like last night, you're like, oh crap, we gotta pull it
together and there's like so many in jokes, so anyone on the outside is
like, what what like what how did you guys think this is going to
get a good grade? And the answer is, we just we had to
get it down. We just had to get it in under tadline. It
doesn't matter. I do. I do want to say, uh in teen
girl talk, just in general news. Something coming down the pipeline eventually,
but something I'm very excited for. I have literally no idea what you're talking
about. Well, I just found this out. I want to suppise we
film the podcast who Surprise Okay, you know the Good Girl Guy to Murder
series. Yes, of course I do. I still have the last book.
I have to read it and give it back to you. I will
do that this week. I've been thinking about it a lot. The main
character. They're going to make a BBC series of it. Amazing. Also,
it would be very funny if the surprise was that this was a call
out that I still have your book. Now I need to give you the
deep. The main character is going to be played by Emma Meyers, who
she played Enid on Wednesday. Get Audie here. That's perfect. She does
seem precocious enough to be a teenage like basically a Nancy to your teenage detective.
Yeah, and once again to find love and to find I almost said
a big, big spoiler from I think the third one. Uh so I
will not say that. If you have you wrote her the third one,
I guess it's the second one. Okay, Yeah, but yeah, also
give Nancy to her gun again. Yeah, alright, gonna hear both fairly
and a gun. But if someone is gonna have a gun, it should
be Nancy True. Yeah, that would be I would join the NRA and
then just go to every meeting and be like, why does the Nancy True
have a gun? And they're like, you have a gun? And I'm
like, Noah, they're disgusting, Like, but a girl detective needs a
gun. I'm like. Her boyfriend, Ned is so dumb, Like every
time I call him to ask him about what he thinks about a case,
he's like, oh, geez, Nancy, stay safe, and I'm like,
Ned, you done. I don't need you to tell me that I'm
a girl detective. Yeah. Sometimes he's hanging out with her best friend and
I'm like, Ned, why are you and best friends? I can't remember
the name of spending so much time together. I mean, he suspicious still
is like losing his mind because we've been playing the Nancy Drew computer games and
like I think sometimes we'll hit a wall and I'll be like, oh my
god, I guess we should call Ned, and inevitably every time, Ned's
like, I'm no help at all. I like the idea that Nancy Drew
is just the Dale Gribble team detective. What do you mean? Okay,
say more? We how Dale is constantly just like not painting to the fact
that his wife has had like a twelve year long affair with John redcarn Well.
Yeah, I mean, honestly, in the last computer game like we
played, I thought the twist was going to be that Ned was messing around
with the best friend because somehow, and like these games were made in the
nineties, so like three way calling was like not really a thing, so
they had to just be in the same room. And I think there are
points where there. I mean, it's been over a year since we've played
one of these, but I think they're like passing the phone back and forth
between each other, and I'm like there's too much camaraderie. I don't know
how much of it is platonic. I would also just want like one of
the Nancy, one of the bad guys gets away in the Nancy Drew book
or movie or whatever, and it just cuts to her shooting her gun in
the air, like the end of point blank point break. Yes, I
mean again, I'm pretty sure my nra plan will definitely work because, like
if anyone has seen the movie Miss Sloan, it opens with Jessica Chastain meeting
with the gun lobby and they're like, we want to get women into guns,
and you know, like basically changed the story and domestic abuse. It's
like a very gross scene. But imagine if that man walked in and he
was like, we want to change the story on guns for women, and
we know they love Nancy Drew. So our backdoor plan is give Nancy Drew
a gun again. Yeah, there's a good essays like, wait, how
how are you so wealthy? Who are you talking to that they gave you
this idea? Yeah, so okay, let's get into it where you get
to our to date, which I'm very excited for. And I've been prepping
for all week and I have not prepped at all because I forgot I floated
this idea, so I will be flying by the seat of my pants like
so many defendants who decide to self representing court. We've been watching a lot
of court to you, right, all right? So we open up with
Edward talking to Bella so many mumbles. So I thank god I had the
caption because literally the first were spoken in this movie are I was like,
what and it was him sing so beautiful, but literally Robert Pattinson cannot get
his body to do the things he needs to do to get a paycheck because
he clearly is so upset to be there. So it's like and she's like,
I was like, why is anyone saying open your mouths? You have
to move your lips when you are speaking. Everybody is speaking with their teeth
clenched. They keep every time Bella and Edward kiss, they pass several marbles
between themselves. I mean that would keep it interesting, because oh my god,
what a snooze fest. Like I don't blame these actors. I can't
imagine doing four of these movies in four years. That sounds awful. But
at the same time, like the new vampires in this one are like showed
up for the rodeo they're like, let's go, and the people who have
sat through four these movies are like, I just need to send this just
has to end. There's so many more wigs this time. It's all so
bad, so so I want to get into the whigs. But like it
does remind me of Steven Spielberg when he was making Saving Private Ryan. He
sent all the principal actors to like a boot camp and they had to work
and like, you know, do everything soldiers had to do, all of
them except for Matt Damon. Oh my gosh, right, so they like
resented him. Yeah, so he got to come in like the last week
and like they're all tired and miserable and he's like, hey, guys,
what's up. I'm fresh from LA and they're like you piece of shit.
Yeah, They're like, HATA can't wait for you to get last. So
they in this one they have styled everyone so much worse than in every other
Twilight movie. Everybody looks bizarrely air rushed. Yeah, and it's really strange.
And did they I didn't see the horrific redesume in this like like,
at what point does she look like where her like eyes are so much bulbous
in her head. Did that was the doll? Um And they apparently reviews
on the doll, like after first looks, everyone was like, absolutely not,
we can't with this doll. And there is like a Forks museum now
that you can visit, and um, they have the actual doll, like
they have different like, um, not souvenirs but collectibles from the movie.
And somebody donated the horrible doll. But because everyone kept touching it, they
had to PERPLEXI around it. I've heard reports that like people like it fucking
moves. Yeah, it's also believed to be deeply haunted. So they moved
on from the doll. It's played by an actress that they just smear a
lot of CGI on and I I don't know how they thought they were going
to get away with the relationship of Jacob fawning after this child because go ahead,
no, well, I was gonna say, we'll get to it,
because they do something that's even worse than I ever imagined in this movie.
So, I mean, after Bella and Edward mumble at each other a bunch,
She's like, let me see my baby. This timeline is inexplicable because
we as the viewer have had a year since the last movie, but I
guess a matter of minutes has gone by and someone cleaned her up. She
just looks fine. Before we get into it, I do, you know,
have to say the trigger warning of we are going to have to discuss
grooming in this episode? Oh for sure? Um, I don't think and
just because it's it's Twilight and we had to talk about the stupid wolves,
Um, there might be discussions of spousal abuse and partner abuse. So I
just want to put that out there. But it's yeah, this might come
up in conversation. This movie is hugely problematic. Like it's shocking that this
was seen as sort of I wouldn't say all ages because it has a PG
thirteen rating, but definitely I don't remember it being perceived as happily as it
should have been. Yeah, well we didn't. We weren't really having that
conversation back then, you know. I feel like we were so kind of
uh, I don't know how to put it, Like at this point,
we were so jaded by all love the Twilight that had come out that it
was like, well, Twilight is doing something completely unconscionable, And I was
like well, yeah, I guess that's sort of their lane. So whatever,
why are you telling me? Who cares? Grass Rose Birds Fly?
Twilight is problematic, Yeah, because it's like it went into a completely different
lane. So okay, So Bella is now conscious. She is like showing
me my baby, and Edwards like you might eat your baby, so we
need you to hunt, and she's like, okay, cool. We get
a prolonged hunting scene with bella senses are heightened, so they show us this
by like super zooms on a bunch of things happening. And what I realized
after watching this film is that this type of editing, with like the super
close ups and the quick cuts and the zooms, became very pop killer and
like YouTube and vine and TikTok editing. So when it happens in this movie
and it's supposed to be serious, it comes off so goofy because it's really
employed a lot of the times, as in like a reveal, like a
joke reveal on social media. What's even dumber is that nobody can just none
of the vampires can just exsit a scene. All of them do the like
the turbo quick run, like it's so funny, like here's the thing.
The Flash can run fast enough to like break time or whatever. He doesn't
do it all the time. Sometimes he just walks. We like because well,
I have always said that if I could be like a Dragon ball Z
character, I would mainly use it for comedic effect, just like say a
really dumb statement and be like, so they're turn super sayan fly away,
because it's really funny to do that, And it's just so bonkers when they're
just like okay and then they blur quick runaway and like, okay, cool,
it's portrayed. Makes no sense. Why does she see a flower open
quicker? It would actually look slower because she's moving past it so quickly.
Yeah. Um. And the thing is like, like you just imagine if
like you finished talking to somebody and then they just sprinted away from you.
I would not feel good about myself after that. I mean, if I
already knew they were a goofy vampire, I don't think I care. But
I mean the crazy part is they like have tell Charlie that she's a vamp
and he'll he won't be here for the rest of the movie. So I
mean, I don't even know why. I maybe contractually he had to have
a speaking part or like appear in it or whatever. But it's like the
front of this movie is stacked with like a bunch of happening, and then
the middle us like meanders along. Because in the first ten fifteen minutes,
Bella gains consciousness as a vampire. She finds out she hunts for the first
time, stops herself from meeting human, finds out that Jacob has imprinted on
her daughter wants to fight Jacob. They tell everyone they're going to have to
leave town and say that Bella has perished. Jacob says that's not possible,
that Charlie is living in hell goes and like exposes his secret to Charlie,
but in a way that makes Charlie even more nervous, because Jacob says,
things are different. I need to show you what's going on here goes nothing,
And Charlie's like, why are you taking your clothes off? What's going
on? Please stop? I think he literally says Jacob, please stop,
and so Jacob strips down to his boxer briefs and then turns into a wolf.
Terrifies. Charlie tells him Bella is not a wolf, but she's had
changes. They bring Charlie to the house. Charlie's like, hey, what's
up. Bella's like nothing, I'm good. Here is our adopted niece.
And Charlie's like, okay, cool piece. I'm gone from the series after
this. By oh, there's gonna be a Christmas where the child will look
like she's you know eight um And yeah, also, I was trying to
text Susy about renesme and excellently said her name was Reness Mess and that's what
I want to call her from now on. Well, the completely crazy part
is that Jacob has given this child, this infant, the u nickname of
Nessie, and Bella loses her ship and says you are calling her the Lochness
monster, and it's like, Bella, that is the least your problems.
Yeah, his shitty nickname is very far down on the list of like not
great stuff happening right now. Yeah, well let's talk like those of the
problems I'm talking about number one. Also, um as May and Carlyle give
Bella and Edward a cavin and this is not important. This is totally just
a suck up time. It doesn't matter at all, and we have to
watch them have like a super awkward sex scene. Yeah, I just want
to point out like that this is like we're the wealth porn. It's even
like at its most egregious, because they're like, look at this spacious closet
that's basically a bedroom with so many purses and so many clothes, And I'm
just like, you guys don't see people like you see each other. That's
it, Like, what is the point? All you need is a few
onesies? Like why why are they wearing onesies around the house? Because the
onesies are because zuzzie. If I didn't have to leave my house for more
than like, you know, an hour, Like if I had to leave
the house for like maybe an hour, maybe two hours ago, hunting for
food, the minute I got through that door, for the rest of the
twenty two hours, I put it on a onesie, and they're gonna be
different. Not easier though, because then you just have to strip it off
every time. What I'm saying is like i'd wear something comfortable. I don't
need designer clothes if I'm mostly hanging around the house and hunting in the woods.
I mean, first of all, they have so much money that it
doesn't matter that they're just going to spend them money on garbage second of all
onesie impractical. You know, I say this as a person that considers rompers
every year. And then it's like, yeah, okay, yeah, you
know what, we'll talk about the ridiculous wealth, because now that I'm thinking
about it, that ridiculous wealth makes no sense that they would only hunt deer.
Well, you're telling me they can't cut a check and get some fresh
blood in here, even animal blood, Like nobody's gonna care, Like,
no, not at all. I mean remember that doctor m colin is bringing
home bags of blood from the hospital constantly. Yeah, I mean that is
like some super privilege if I've ever seen it, like just carrying blood out
of the hospital in a briefcasee vampire like it's for personal use. Vampire Academy
was not great for a lot of reasons, but the concept that they had
people who were willing to donate their blood basically to the vampires was really smart,
like and it showed like a really good like like you know, I
remember there's a scene where the vampire the head or not like the special vampire
that's you know, better than all the rest's basically the avatar. But that
doesn't matter. Um, it's like, you know, drinking from this one
girl and she's so happy and she's like chatting away with her, and you
know, the vampire's like, oh, tell me more about your life.
S a sip. Yeah, I'm like this is cool, this is what
it should be. But no, we have to do this dumb thing.
It's just like yeah, but um and watch her eid a cougar, mountain
lion or whatever. Yeah, which that mounta lion deserved better. Yes,
um, I did not love that part. So now you might be asking
yourself where could the movie possibly go. We've resolved the fact that Jacob's in
love with their daughter. They have a cabin, they're deeply in love.
Well, this blonde woman that is upset for reasons I cannot remember she Okay,
I remember, Um, she is one of their cousins. Yes,
um, she was in love with But I'm like, my brains just like
leastrad Lestrada's not lestrad. That's from an rice. Um, the vampire with
the dreads that Jacob killed or the wolves killed in the second movie, they
were in love. He was gonna go like that third Oabella was by herself
in a field and No, you're totally right. It's the second because ghost
Edward appeared to her and was like, lie better. Yeah. Okay.
Speaking of speaking of Victoria's so bad at everything, speaking of Victoria um Or,
the actress who plays Victoria who I don't remember, um I want to
give a shout out for her for coming out at Target for a target like
backing away from selling pride merch and just being like, I guess what Target
ain't getting in my looks like me and me and my non binary child are
going elsewhere. I'm just like, hell yeah Victoria, yes her, um
Well, what's funny is the Victoria? So at the end of this film,
as if it was not long enough, we get a review of every
actor that was in every film, and Bryce Style, Bryce Dallas Howard filled
it like the was the Victoria that was murdered in I guess it was Breaking
Dawn Part one? Correct? No, she she was. She took over
for Eclipse, Okay, but the Victoria before that, the original Victoria,
is the one that got like the little portrait during the montage of like these
are all the actors that you've seen. Yeah, her name is Rochelle yea
E. V R. Okay, what's the name of the vampire the other
vampire? Okay, okay, um okay, And I wanted to say about
the wolf stuff, um, dyl and I happened to be at the Lakota
Wolf Preserve yesterday, which is like pretty cool, and they explained wolves to
us and how the um how is to like basically rally the pack. But
what was cute was because these are wolves that have been rescued. I found
out yesterday that apparently it's federal law you can't take a wolf out of the
wild or return a wolf to the wild, like only the government can do
that. Um. I don't know why the government has these wolves on the
radar, but they do. And um, so these wolves that were raised
in captivity, when the owner of the um preserve would call their names,
they would all howel like each recognize their own name and they're like ohh.
And the sound carried all over the preserve. So it was pretty cool.
You don't realize how mournful it is. Yeah, um, there's a sorry.
I would also thinking that like apparently speaking of the government returning wolves to
the wild, apparently at one point, moose, we're becoming a big problem
in Canada, so they air dropped wolves into the moose's territory to like to
take care of them, just imagining like you know, a bunch of dogs
with parachutes on their neck. Like, yes, the thing is as always
with wolves and bears. If they're dangerous, why are they so cute?
Thrown that out there? Wolves are terrified of humans. Apparently if they smell
a human at all, they're like gone, They're just like no, thank
you. Yeah, And they've been maligned in media for years because like it
was like, oh, wolves attack, Like wolves don't attack, they don't
care about it. Oh, they're terrified of humans. Yeah, which makes
you wonder, are is the wolf pack of boys? Are they? Why
aren't they scared of humans when they're in their world form? Not real wolves?
Fake wolves? I mean, yeah, we know they're fake wolves.
Um so yeah, I think her name's Arena. Arena sees um esme doing
sick ups to catch snowflakes. Fly. No, I think she can just
jump. She's just got like a sick vertical jump. Yeah. How much
better with this movie? Band? Have they played basketball instead of baseball,
it would have been very funny, but the baseball is iconic and I can't
imagine it any other way. Okay, they would have had to play basketball
inside somewhere. So what they go to the y MCA and they're like,
we got next? People will be like no, what they're just constolat shattering
the back part look at the bajam yeah, or like teen Wolf rank.
What I'm gonna say is vampires play baseball? Were wolves play basketball? Okay?
What do everybody knows that? What do creatures on the black are going
play? Water pole? So all right, that's so good? Okay,
hobably not done teen Wolf yet? That seems nuts. Well we did.
We did the serious teen Wolf. Wait, the serious Team Wolf. I
wasn't here for that though, that was you in Kia. I want to
do the goofy teen Wolf. Okay we can. Well, seeing how it's
sequel Summer, should we do the sequel to teen Wolf that has Jason Bateman
in it? Yes? Obviously we should. Okay, I mean I think
we should eventually just do teen Wolf. Um, we'll do people do that
for October um because God, you know, God loves them like God loves
Michael J. Fox, and so do I true? Okay, so cool?
Um, now that we've resolved our our teen wolf exceptionalism. Yeah,
so Arena runs away to the VOLTAIRI um, and we don't really see much
of them. Oh no, Like he's Michael. She says like show me
child, Oh my gosh. And then he's basically is delighted that they broke
the rules. He's like, whoo, that's very bad. Yeah. Um
and um they basically everybody was like, oh, this is bad because they
think, like Arena thinks, um, Renesme is an immortal child and this
okay, And this is the thing. I think this lore that they're they're
talking about here is really interesting. Yeah. Well, Carlile explains, like
immortal children were unbelievably beautiful and people just wanted to take care of them,
but they were stuck at like you know, the mental age of a child,
and they were much more dangerous for that, like one tantrum could like
destroy a village and like that is yeah, that's horrifying. That's a very
good concept. It's horrifying. Like you know, Children in the Corn is
a terrifying movie because you're just like, I don't like a Noah monster you
can somewhat fight because like it looks scary and dangerous like fighting a child is
like, you're fighting a child. I don't want to do that, no
matter how dangerous the child is, you know. And then so yeah,
like so they drove this really interesting lord it then becomes so abjectly goofy that
I could not stop laughing because they shook like and this is this kind of
the start of another big problem with this movie is the vampire's depths are so
fake looking and so like basically it's just like, are these vampires made of
glass? Like? What is happening here? So we talked about this some
one of the previous ones where I was like, why did they decide to
make the vampires break like ceramics? That seems very strange to me. And
I think you were the one who said it was because it's so they could
keep their PG thirteen rating by you know, no blood. Yeah, I
mean it was the same thing with Buffy the vampires. The person to dust.
Oh, the name of the vampire we can remember is Laurent and he
was in X Men First Classes. Darwin. That was him, Yeah,
Armando Munez Darwin. Darwin also deserved better, which X Men was that?
Okay, So it's in a montage and like where they're gathering basically the first
group of X men, it's Pixie, Darwin, Havoc, Beast, and
Mystique and obviously knew Professor x Um. His um his skill or his his
mutant power is survival. Basically his body evolves to handle whatever's thrown at him.
Okay, cool, that's a pretty good power. And then Sebastian and
like he's an Omega level mutant, which is basically like, this is a
mutant that could destroy the world if they wanted. Um, Jean Gray and
Storm are basically omega level mutants as well, mum. And then like Sebashian
Shaw pops like some energy down his throat and he dies, and all the
comic book fans are just like, but his power is survival. Yeah yeah,
They're like we needed for the plot. Yeah, and it just she's
it's it's like it was just so annoying. Um it seems like very lazy
writing, honestly. Yeah. So, um yeah, where we're going?
Oh yeah, so the sheer goofiness of this scene. Like so basically Arena
was part of a family who had an immortal child and there you know,
quote unquote mother, Um I was trying to hide him from the voltary.
She was killed. They decapitated her and they make a big flame, and
oh, and we see Jane Dakota Fanning's character walk up to the child.
She's like, oh, it's okay, you know, not so many words,
and you know, they tear off their mother's head and they just kind
of the whole terry tear off the mother's head. And like Michael Sheen is
smiling so hard in this scene. It is haunting, like he is so
delighted by all of the horror that's happening, and hard cut to Dakota fan
She had been holding the child. We saw a couple shots of her holding
the child and then she throws a doll into the fire and they're like all
delighted about Like oh and I'm like this movie for all of the money,
right, Like a lot of actors that went on to become even bigger actors
were in this film, so you know that it was not cheap, Like
they really did put a lot of money into it. Rommy Malik is in
this and not really utilized. Lee Pace is in this and has like a
little more screen time. It's bizarre how many big names are in this movie,
they're like, we're going to cheap out on the dummy, like they
they could have get taken another like another take of that. Yeah. I
mean, I'm not saying I need to see a realistic portrayal of a child
thrown into a fire. I don't want to see that. What I am
saying is, don't include that seen at all, because it's either going to
be horrifically realistic or gruefully faked. So both ways you lose. But you
could you like, if I had to do this on a budget, I
would not have even bothered with the baby, fake baby, but the fake
child, Like I would have just cut to like I would just I would
have utilized a code of Fanning, like to get some reaction shots cut away
right before, like yeah, you know, our minds will fill in the
bad thing. You just you have d Coda Fanning holding the child near the
flames and like her playcating the child saying it's gonna be okay, It's gonna
be okay. And the next thing you have is them walking away from the
inferno and she's not holding the child anymore. Yeah, and have some towns
people react to it. Well, there's no more towns people, Well,
there are like some of the witches react or vampires whoever. Whoever the group
of women looking angry are have them react to it, because their grief will
be a lot more powerful than us watching the could offending throw a doll in
the fire or a very fake looking head that they just kind of like kobe
into the flames. Oh my god. So after they break off Michael Sheen's
head, I was like, do you think he took that home? He
definitely took that. He like keeps it on his mantle and everyone's like,
can we please like get rid of that or at least turn it away from
the living room, and he's like, no, I got this house.
I will keep my because even the expression they portrayed the head as making is
so nutty. Michael Sheen and David Tennant are really good friends, of course
because of good omens, right yeah, I think stuff before that, they
just because like they're fun British actors, so they get fun British actor things.
During the pandemic, they had a bunch of zoom videos they put up
huh um, and it was just they're so funny, and like this one
where Michael Sheen is saying I was in this and it was like I was
doctor Who. But hey, what how is he? Did he use Twilight
as a flax? No? I think he's something else's looks. I don't
think he wanted to remember this. I, Frank, I one thousand percent
disagree with you. I think that Michael Sheen showed up to play. I
think he knew what Twilight was. I think he knew how ridiculous it was,
and I think he had a ball. No, Like, how many
d's of filming do you think he had to show up? Maybe like five
and five of them, probably in Italy, Frank, five of them in
Italy? Are you joking at this entire movie? It was done in front
of a green screen? No, no, No, I mean, oh
the second one, yeah, that was probably pretty cool, but like this
was. Yeah, the green screen in this one is absolute trash. It
is distracting how terrible it is. Everything's and this is another problem with this
movie is like this movie introduced so much more lore that is so much more
interesting than anything like this movie. This movie is like meeting someone at a
party and they tell you, like the most interesting anecdote you've ever heard in
a party and then they wander away from you to go rifle around in the
chip bowl. So you're watching them and you're like, I know you have
more good stories. Give them to me. And they're like, I am
just gonna touch every chip in this bowl. You're gonna have to wait,
and I'm like, I don't want to wait. Why would you do?
Then it's like you neither wait for me to touch every chip in this bowl,
or you don't get the rest of the good story. That's what this
movie felt like. I have to find that one cool Rentorado that haus all
the red and green like specs on it. There's always one the I have
to find the overseason chip. And I'm like, what if someone already ate
it. They're like, well, we're not going to know until I check
every chip in this party size bag anyway. Yeah, And I'm like,
this is what the other movies should have been. The other movies should have
been just like, oh, here's our cousin from such In shows, it's
just been a revolving door of interesting characters of interesting powers, yes, but
instead it was this. Instead we got like literally just meandering around the same
like ten miles of woods and like, you know, awful wolves that are
just terrible in so many ways, and like, I mean, the wolves
were like barely in this and the whole conceit of this film that they're like,
well, we need you to bear witness to the fact that the Voltaire
is being inflexible, a thing that they are notorious for, but we are
somehow shocked about. And everyone's like, yeah, I get us all fly
to Forks, Washington for this inexplicably, and we're supposed to believe that they're
all doing this on kind of the largeis of their love for Carlyle or large
Esse large, And I don't buy Carlyle has been farting around Forks for decades
at this point. How is he keeping up both that front and all these
international vampire contacts? I mean, you email, I guess, But Frank,
you think that these vampires like Rammy Malick, just like controlling the Elements,
is emailing with Carlyle boring, asked Carlisle. Szzy, let me remind
you in the last movie, Edward was looking up half human have vampire babies
on Yahoo? Okay, yeah, but Frank, what are they emailing about?
Carlyle's like, well, I live in it down with three hundred people,
there's not a lot to do. My son started dating a human.
It's made stuff really complicated. And basically we've had more action in the last
six months than we've had in the last four hundred years. I'm saying,
what's going on is that all the vampires who have been kind of bored with
Carlile's dumb updates about his family that never change because yeah, well nobody you
can't accomplish anything as a vampire. It doesn't matter. There's no time limit
on your life. Yeah, Like when they try to do life retrospects,
it's like, well, I don't know because I'm still here. Yeah,
so aging, I'm here, not aging, still going to the same high
school I matriculated again? Well yeah, how hard was aug were this time?
You know, They're like, you didn't acknowledge my eighteenth high school graduation?
How dare you? It's what I'm getting at is it's just like when
a family member start having drama and you're like, I don't get involved,
but I need to hear them updates. Okay, But here's the thing,
Frank, imagine if you had to fight a forks Washington and you live in
wherever, they all live, because I mean it really was like the This
is the Small World ride a vampire representation in this Yeah, these two women
are from the Amazon. They literally after that fella or someone is voiceovering that.
You know, I think it's Bellah that Carlisle is going to even the
deepest regions to find an ally, And I'm like, give these women a
fucking backstory? Are you joking? We had to hear from Tweedledee and tweedledumb
on and on and on about their feelings about the voult Terry. Most of
those secondary like cast characters did not even get a backstory. Okay, and
Alice and Jasper just depart the movie midway through. I mean, what was
that about? Yeah, I don't know. I don't think that right now,
or do you think that was like for the reveal that Alice came back
with two more people who were going to give us an exposition, dumb.
I think it was for the revealcause there's no practical reason. Because here's another
thing I was thinking about, Why is every fight about us just running at
each other across the field because it's very cheap to do that. Yeah you
know, okay, you ran to one end of the field, run back
to it again. Okay, here's here's my thing. Have Alice use Carlyle's
infinite money by dynamite, by any matter of explosives and then blow up the
Voltari. So you want Alice to wildly coyote the Vultari. No, I
want every else Wiley coyote the Voltari. Well, Alice is just like,
Okay, they definitely see it there, you place it there, vision change
in, Okay, put some lame mines there. They don't see that one
coming because like there's this episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where this creature is
less like no weapon forged can just defeat me. And she's like, yeah
that was back in five thousand, like BC or whatever. Things have changed,
and then she blows up the monster for a rocket launcher. Oh my
gosh, Okay, that sounds way more fun than what we watch. Yeah,
Buffy just rocket launching someone. Oh. Also that a whole sort of
side quest that Bella takes to talk to the lawyer. Why I know him
as the police detective from Hackers. Bill's been watching the wire. I know
he's on that too, but like, why is he one of those other
really smart actors, which is like, I'm gonna like detectives and other things
where I just get to wear a suit and don't have to get dirty.
I think I have to think so because his inclusion in this was so funny
because he apparently is Jasper's lawyer, which is strange for so many reasons because
Jasper like barely speaks, seems to only go where Alice goes. But in
this case it's the men talking to the men, and he's like, my
client, Jasper. It's the whole thing is so goofy, and he gets
like included in the montage in the end, along with the secondary vampires who
have no speaking lines, which I think is very funny. And I just
want to throw this out there. This movie is an hour and fifty five
minutes long. Twenty minutes of that is just five minutes of his opening credits.
The other fifteen is the end credits. This movie should have been stamped
as we're doing it as we gotta but really, nobody wants to be here
Twilight Twilight Breaking Dawn Part I'm not supposed to be here today. Yes,
absolutely, Like I said I would do this, but that's before I knew
what you were going to ask of me, okay, and okay, So
I just want to talk about the lawyer a little bit about how he's able
to get them pretty, you know, excellent documents. He's been writing a
service for a while. It's like, why can't he just get them?
Blood seems like a man who knows how to get things, much like much
like Morgan Freeman and um and Sank condemption. I was gonna say, he
very much has like a better call soul vibe. I mean, this guy
probably is just like on retainer from the Collins, you know, just like
cleaning up Messa's coming in when they ask like kill something or someone, and
just like, man, you look the other way. Like I would say,
I agree with you, he's a probably better call solve figure. But
like he's probably just living the good life thanks to let's call up back.
How do you get referred to a job like that? Like Jasper comes in
his weird wig looking all like parched and drawn, and you're like, yes,
I'm going to tie my wagon to this weirdo, and it just turns
out that that was the right bet. That he's flushed with vampire money.
Yeah, I don't know, okay, but floor's blush my cash. Yeah,
but it's like flush with vampire money that possibly has ties to the Confederacy,
so it's like super dirty money. But okay, I guess we should
get a long story short. You see a very prolonged fight scene. Well
before that, I want to point out their backup plan, Bella and Edwards
backup plan for Renesme is to send her away forever alone with Jacob. I
don't want to talk about this. It's so creepy and I hate it it.
Okay, well, I'm gonna cut that out. No, I can
keep it in because it is a terrible plan and it's creepy and I hate
it, and the movie refuses to acknowledge how creepy it is. And like
I do like Twilight, I hate this part of it. And I hate
the flashbat or the flash forward at the end where we see Jacob the same
age and redesime grown. Because when the man from Brazil comes and says,
I am half vampire, half human and I was fully grown by eight does
that mean that in that flash forward, resume could be eight years old.
Yeah, because that's super unsettling. So that's all I want to say about
that. I don't like it. It really put a stink on the movie
for me, and I really just wanted to watch a bunch of vampires being
campy, and then they made me think about this terrible situation that they put
this child. Yeah, but the book and movie Let The Right One End
fully leans into that and they give knowledge to how horrifying this is. And
I you know, those are both a hard read and a hard watch,
but they're really good. So you know, I'm not always the best at
making decisions, like I will spend hours googling restaurants trying to decide between tacos
or pizzas. It's a problem. And when it comes to big decisions that
are actually important, like figuring out what I'm going to do with my life,
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talo dot com slash teen Girl Talk to get started. So, all right,
are we ready for debate? We'll just close out the movie then we'll
have a debate on who was right, because I mean, the last part
is just a ridiculous standoff. Oh, first we have to Okay, so
this is the part where twenty Breaking Down Part two becomes Bella is a shown
an anime character. We're there, like, so, the big problem with
shown an anime characters, at least in the early years, was people like
this move took somebody fifty years to learn. Oh, you learned it in
two weeks because you're so special. Um, except for Demons Layer, where
those kids like, I'm gonna kill all the demons because they killed my family.
All right, cool trained for two years. He's like, okay,
he just trained for two years and got really good, like Batman with brasohol
yeah. Like Batman like took like from like age eighteen to like twenty five,
um, which is still a ridiculally short time for all the things he
learned. I mean, yeah, Batman is like a renaissance man. Yeah.
Um, so like they basically this standoff is just like somebody approaches somebody
approaches um, what's his name name? Vulture r? Yeah, and he's
like, let me touch you. Alright, cool, I've read your mind.
It's all good. I'm gonna figure out a different way for us to
justify killing everyone but Alice. Um, because his his mingle is he get
Alice and to get Edward. Mum, he'll kill everybody else just to pluck
the jewels from the crowd. M So eventually one thing leads to another.
What if it? Yeah, like Arena eventually wants to kill him. It
becomes a huge fight, and parts of the fight are really cool. Rommy
Malock is basically the Avatar because just everybody wants to rip that off. Um.
He can control earth, wind and fire and water. But you know,
do you remember with twenty first day in September, Um, well,
he really opens up a chasm and you see a wolf fall in and it
sucks O. My question about this is he has cleaved the earth. Yeah,
Um, wouldn't that affect more than just the people standing five ft from
the chasm? Really, and also probably would have caused you know, because
volcanoes happen because prip because the you know, pressure just builds up. So
I think if you open it up, a lot of stuff's coming up that
shouldn't come up, mostly poison gas, I'd say. Yeah, so that
there seems to be some flaws in that plan. Yeah. Um, And
we get to see Dakota Fanning get fed to a wolf. Um. We
see Carlisle immediately get his head ripped off. Its super goofy looking as they
cut to a shot of Esmey being horrified, and it moved me. No,
Like, I fully agree with you, Like that was the that was
the most emotionally like, you know, resonating part of this movie for me,
because Esmey is just like she's just there, she's just being a great
mom. Well that's what I'm saying. It would have been so powerful if
they use the same technique with the Immortal Child. Yeah. And then so
yeah, the fight continues until Edward Fastball specials Bella into Row they rip his
head off, they burn his body, and then Alice was like, yeah,
that's what's gonna happen. I made you see all that. And he's
just like, Okay, we're gonna take our ball and go home. Oh
wait, no, we brought somebody from nowhere to explain I'm a half human
half vampire child. Technically they're from Brazil. Yeah you know which, Hey
wouldn't the Amazonian vampires know them? I mean, this is the weird part
about all of this, like bearing witness stuff, is it's not like a
hard and fast rule, and clearly it is a rule that Arrow does not
feel uncomfortable with breaking. So I don't understand how they're like, well,
we brought you a guy, so we're good good and the answer is no,
because Arrow is a nut. So I just I feel like this movie
wrote itself into a corner and then was like, oh gosh, what do
we do? And this was their solution and it really falls flat. Yeah,
it's it's not I mean, where do we really expect this movie to
go? Where do we expect this series to go? Like, because you
start with, you know, these two falling in love, and then you
just keep introducing more stuff. But it never it never hits a heightened arena,
you know, like it's always just like, oh, the werewolves and
the human and the vampires a hate each other, and you know, like
it just it literally ends up becoming a pain by numbers where it's like,
Okay, everything is good Bella and Edward or in love, Oh no,
there is like an exterior threat. Bell and Edward both make really bad decisions
and then what are we going to do to fix those bad decisions? And
by the fifth movie it's pretty boring. Yeah, Like I mean like Marvel,
like, you know, did this by Yeah, we've we've how many
times has the plan been friend? All right? A bunch? But it's
not always the plant being friends. Sometimes it's just like, oh, we
can't let this guy get shrinking technology, um, because I'll just be bad
for Earth. And then they're just like, hey, here's a threat that's
so much bigger than everything. Yeah, and the Voltaire just never felt like
that big a threat. Like I think part of it, I don't want
to take anything from Michael Sheen. Part of it just might have been Michael
Sheen that Michael Sheen like played it so goofy that I could not take him
threat at all. Well, but I mean he was with da code of
Fanning, who we saw murdering children and torturing people. Yeah, Dakona Fanning
was bringing the evil energy. But like Michelchin will just then take it away.
But I would not, I would give I would not change anything Michechine
did in this movie, even if it, yeah, destroyed the tension.
I don't care. microL Shine is ZERI forever. Yeah. Um, And
you know what I would have loved though this fifth movie. It just turns
into like a courtroom debate, Like they just each bring a lawyer and it's
just like Phoenix, right, where's this like objection overruled? You know,
which brings us into our debate who was right, the Vulty or the Collins.
I will be representing the Collins. I will be representing the whole terry.
I'm going to use my phone to flip a coin as they call it.
Okay, hets hey, Sarah, flip a coin for me? Its
sales? Okay? Well, oh winning statements from the Vulture. Well,
the thing is, I mean, you shouldn't really tan children into vampires.
They can do all kinds of damage with their tantrums. And whatnot like And
besides, then that's would expose us to the human world, and I think
they'd be really not cool with the fact of vampire. Try okay, objection.
We did not turn a baby into a vampire. This is a homegrown
baby, and the humans love us. They are so into us, they
are so horny for us. No one's going to kill us. I'm going
to live forever. Kota Fanny here, I have to say, how many
humans actually know what's going on with you? Does Bella's father know what's going
on with her? Or were you planning just to tell her, tell him
that Bella died and then move away. Um, we were totally going to
tell her, tell him that Bella died and that we moved away. But
then one of the wolves is like, hey, guess what where wolves exist?
And he was like mind blown, And then I didn't have to say
anything. I'm Edward that one blonde vampire that was really hell bent on having
this fight. I'm here now wait, you're on the side of the vulturi.
Yeah, there was one of them there. Oh sorry real quick,
speaking of vampires and blonde vampires. At the end of this movie, Lee
Pace's Garrett character is going off of Arena's two sisters, and I'm just like,
see, that's the kind of vampire this movie more of more of a
vampire Eric if you will, yes, Um, okay, So we don't
have any evidence besides this child coming up and like showing people what's going on
with her, and you know, who knows. Maybe she doesn't have the
power to show people the truth. Maybe she has the power to show people
things that they want to see, much like I think the Amazonian vampires did
that. Um it was the Amazonian Vampires. Yeah, it was because they
showed Edward the jungle in a scene that didn't matter. You know, like,
we don't know what she's doing. She'd be projecting lies into her mind
and she could just be an immortal child. Where's the birthing video? Where's
the horrifying berthing video? That could be like Shutters number one? You know
what shutter be? Like? Oh, this is be too rough for us.
I didn't take a home video because I'm a luddite. Again, I'm
Edward. I only like fancy Volvo cars and playing my piano. I'm very
good at playing the piano. Let me play it, now, do do
do? Do? Do? Do do do do do. I can't believe
you're not calling objection irrelavant. Too late, Bella steps up. I tag
her in WWD style. Hey guess what I was in eighteen year old bride,
but then immediately got pregnant and then had a baby after a month,
and then I got turned into a vampire because you guys said I had to
be a vampire. So it's kind of on you. You wanted this your
words. I rest my case. Jolie Swan here, my mustae says this
is all wrong. I didn't like Edward from the job. I liked him
even less. Not yes, Charlie, Dad, Okay, I'm gonna call
him mistrial because Charlie Swan was not on the list of approved witnesses. And
also the Vaulturi did themselves and by letting Charlie know that va fires exist.
A Frank Cota here also on the side of the vulterium. I'm just saying
that throwing this out there, we have no evidence that Rensme is anything,
but you know a child with an unfortunate name. Frank, I cannot believe
that you told Charlie the vampires exist. Cholie and I are tight we have
made out in the back of his truck a few times. I'm just saying
it got kind of cool. That's a girlfriend. She's also into it.
I'm calling the police. He is the police. I'm calling Charlie. I'm
going to give a piece of my mind. Go ahead now that he's tight
with the vampires, the VOLTI broke their own rules. This is on them,
and I'm just throwing this out there. If anybody wants to write some
real person fan fiction about me dating Charlie, I will told he where you
read it. I do not want to read it. I will thank thank
Frank's word for it. Take Frank's word for it. So I think I've
proven my case. All it takes is one vampire to turn the world into
a howling waste land of terror and hopelessness. Uh it's we have no The
columns have presented no evidence that Renesme is anything put in a mortal child.
All we have to go like, they brought eighteen people. None of them
spoke. They were just there just to hang out. Basically, they were
bearing witness. How many times do we have to say it? Also,
again, you brought Charlie here for no reason except to like totally miss with
Bella. Well, I'm only just quickly check out Charlie being eaten by vampires.
I've made a mistake. They're looking at me, so Zee, I've
made mistake. And Bye, I know you made a mistake. I pointed
it out. That's why I called for a mis trial. Now Edward starts
playing the piano again. Do do do Do Do Do Do Do do do
do because you Comingkota, I'm the new co host of Team Girl Talk.
Okay, Arrow, I guess this is pretty cool. Who are your top
three hunks in descending order, but the less hunky from most hunky to less
hunky? Okay, Um, Lee pays obviously, Okay, most hunky.
That makes sense. Frank told me about the time somebody was googling me pace
in the college computer looms and said Lee pays as he was googling him.
Um, that's like not even a story. I need your second face you
and McGregor any era. Okay, good fake. I mean you're making a
very strong case for being my co host. Now, who is the least
hunky? Um? He is definitely still hunky, but Lee's hunky? Is
he? Later? Uh? Okay Um? I mean mostly Mario Lopez.
But I like a See Slater because he punched Zack Morris in the face.
Zach Morris is a huge sack of shit, So you've like the fictional character
of Ac Slater and Mary O Lopez. Mary Lopez was in that KFC movie.
He was as a hunky um colonel. Yes, okay, Well,
I would like to close up this episode with my new co host Arrow.
Um, if you'd like to write us, I guess in the subject line
you should put who you're writing because it's gonna get confusing. Um, I
don't. I don't know Arrow's lane yet. You can write us at Real
teen Girl Talk at gmail dot com. We have a Facebook group and page.
But Arrow, I guess you have to take over moderating because that was
Frank's job. And next week, Arrow, what do you want to watch?
Well, it's sequel summer, so I have a list here watch.
You can't really prepared. I think you knew you were gonna eat frankin Oh
I did we have Samantha Darko? Think said two mean girls too. Let's
do Samantha Darko. I think you'll like it. It's a terrible, It's
absolutely awful. So until next Week. I'm Season Coda. I'm Arrow.
I don't think I have a last name. Awesome Arrow. Full three team
Coda Team Errow