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Hey listeners, it's e J.
Miller, writer, creator, producer,

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and editor here at Fast Food Horror. I just want to take a minute

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out and apologize for this episode being
late. The sumpump went in the studio

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next to ours and flooded our studio
area. It delayed our recording and producing

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and editing, thus delaying this episode
by at least a week. So again,

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thank you for being patient. And
now your favorite MC I goor Friedrich

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I gore take it away. Thank
you EJ for that delightful introduction. I'm

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only thankful I have a coffin that
doubled as a canoe when the basement and

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dungeon flooded. Now for this week's
tale, entitled The Crawl by e J.

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Miller, Do not friend a crow. I know it's the latest trend

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on all the social media's and it
seems fun. If you're looking for something

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to kill time, or a hobby
that's cheap and easy with no real expectations.

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If you're seeking a pet with no
responsibilities, if you're in search of

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companionship because you're lonely. If you're
a content creator with hopes of videos to

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go viral and all the likes and
new followers you'll get. It checks all

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the boxes. It's fantastic. It's
great. I warn you, though,

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it's not worth it. Take it
from someone that's learned the hard way.

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It's not all that it's cracked up
to be. They only show the highlights,

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the cute little moments, the cool
clips. They do not tell you

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about the problems it could cause,
the headaches it may bring, the stress

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it will impart, the loss,
the nightmare of a life that may unfold.

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Let my tail be a warning.
I saw a few reels of people

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friending crows a few months ago,
Videos of these beautiful midnight feathered creatures slowly

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becoming more trusting of their human counterparts, every day, inching closer together,

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until the crow was eating out of
the person's hand or perched upon their shoulder,

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waiting outside their window for their human
flying over to them when they called.

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Then the gifts started. You see, a crow is a very loyal

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and intelligent animal, and once it
has given you its trust, it wants

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to reciprocate for the kindness the person
has shown it, So it brings gifts

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to its human friend, small items
it finds here or there, whatever strikes

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its fancy. That it can fit
in its beak or claws and fly to

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you. It might be a ribbon
or a coin. It might be a

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button, or well, let's not
get ahead of ourselves, shall we.

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It seemed to be easy enough.
I figured this would be a fun summertime

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activity while I enjoyed my vacation.
Each day, after my morning run,

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I would relax with a coffee out
on the back porch. There is a

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power line that runs along the rear
of my yard, and, as luck

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would have it, a regular perching
place for birds of all kinds. I

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plan to just wait until a crow
would appear. Then I would start lobbing

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sunflower seeds until I got one of
their attentions. That crow would then become

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the focal point of my friendly seed
throwing until I gained its trust, get

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it to move closer and closer day
after day, show it that I am

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not a threat. Then presto,
crow buddy. The first three days were

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not productive in my crow endeavor.
Crow Dever, I sat outside for an

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hour after my run, enjoying my
coffee each day, listening to my favorite

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acid horror podcast, gray Matter,
and waited for a crow. On the

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morning of day four, a few
were waiting for me there on the power

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line. As I settled in with
my morning coffee, I started tossing sunflower

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seeds below their position and started making
calling sounds. I'm not sure why I

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saw each in turn tilt their head
to look at the sunflower seeds now scattered

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below them and call in return,
either to each other or in my direction.

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In retrospect, I don't think I
was speaking their language as much as

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they were laughing at whatever I was
saying. Cawing. One by one,

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they each took turns swooping down from
their position and picking up a few pieces

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of the pro offered sunflower seed,
then flew back to their position on the

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power line. This went on for
about twenty minutes before all four flew off.

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For the next eight days, this
little exchange went on until on the

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ninth day, one crow stayed on
the ground looking for more seeds as its

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three friends flew off. I started
gently tossing more seeds to this one,

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always making sure my aim fell slightly
short so it would get him to move

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closer. Day by day we did
this dance. Its friends would fly off,

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and this stately fellow would fly back
down, looking for more, hopping

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ever so much closer as I short
armed again and again the seeds he sought,

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until on the fifteenth day he was
comfortably at my feet. I won't

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bother you with the rest of the
details, only that by day twenty one

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he was eating out of my hand, and by day twenty six would perch

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on my shoulder to receive his extra
seeds. We were crowbros. On day

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twenty four, the gift started the
foundation of my problems. When I stepped

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out onto the back porch, Poncho
that's what I named him, was waiting

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for me on the arm rest of
my chair. I watched as he placed

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a coin on the arm of the
chair, then eagerly waited for his morning

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seeds. I walked over and picked
up the pro offered gift, a week

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penny, an unexpected bonus of a
collectible coin. I sat in my chair

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as I worked the penny in one
hand and handed seeds to Poncho, seated

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on my shoulder with the other.
I wondered where he found this little gem.

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The next eight days were more of
this. Pancho would be waiting for

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me each morning on the arm of
my chair, a gift clasped in his

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beak. One day it was a
pink hair bow, the next it was

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a glossy enamel button, a star
earring. Then it was a cheap pair

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of red heart shades, followed by
a plastic ring, then a retainer.

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I had put all my new treasures
into a shoe box and placed it high

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on a shelf in the den.
The ninth day was a Saturday. I

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was going out of town with my
wife for a wedding, and we left

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Friday evening after she got out of
work, never thinking twice about Pancho really

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other than he'd be fine. He
was a wild animal, he lived outside.

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What did he really need me for? We returned late Monday night,

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and after unloading the car after a
fun but exhausting weekend of friends and family,

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and went right to bed. Early
Tuesday morning, I was by a

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shrill scream. I sat straight up
in bed in a sleep hazed panic,

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finding my wife was not there.
Another scream peeled through the house that set

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my hairs on the back of my
neck on end. I sprinted from the

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bedroom, calling my wife's name,
where was she? What was wrong?

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A cold sweat broke out across my
brow as fear sat firmly on my chest.

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After a panic, searched through the
house, I found her on the

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back porch. She was okay,
but shaken, physically trembling. Her gaze

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fixed on my chair and Pancho.
My gaze followed hers to Pancho and the

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chair. There, Pancho sat expectantly
on the arm rest. Four gifts splayed

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out in front of him, one
for Saturday, one for Sunday, one

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for Monday, and one for this
morning. Not know in what order they

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were deposited, but I will tell
you in the order of horror that they

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brought me. On the arm rest
of the chair was a human tooth that

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appeared to have been broken at the
root with a metallic filling, a sky

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blue eye with the long tendons still
dangling from its base, a pinky finger

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that showed signs of having been gnawed
off, and a bracelet with the name

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Sarah spelled out in bright pink and
purple beads. Nausea overwhelmed me and I

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let loose whatever was still in my
stomach across the porch floor. My wife

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immediately called the cops as I tried
to collect myself, and that's how I

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got here lights out. You see, there had been a missing teenager in

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the area. Of the last four
items. The tooth, the eye,

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and the finger were forensically identified as
hers. They didn't believe me that a

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crow happened to bring them to my
back porch. That was enough to bring

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me under suspicion. It also triggered
a search warrant. In the search,

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the police found the shoe box of
gifts Hancho had previously given. All were

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identified as Sarah's, the teenage girl
who was missing. Her name, if

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you remember, was spelled out on
the bracelet. Again, police didn't believe

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my poncho story. And then the
final kick. A few days after I

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was taken in, Sarah's body was
found in a wooded area just yards off

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a jogging trail not far from my
home. The jogging trail I had been

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seen visiting regularly by neighbors and joggers, like daily every morning. Four weeks.

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My GPS watch and the dirt of
my sneakers didn't help me either.

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All placed me at the body.
My life fell apart after that. I

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was convicted by a jury of my
peers and sentenced to fifteen years in a

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state correctional facility. Being placed at
the scene and having items from the body

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in my home was enough to sway
the jury and enough to sway my wife.

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She left me after she sold the
house and disposed of all my physical

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belongings. I don't know where she
is and I have not spoken to her

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since. My friends and family likewise
also wrote me off. I am the

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pariah. No one wants to admit
to having known me or have anything to

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do with me, all because of
that bird, Pancho. Pancho is the

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reason I am here. If not
for him, I'd be free, enjoying

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life and sipping coffee on my back
porch, visiting my favorite jogging trail every

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morning. One thing bothers me,
though, Pancho. How did he know?

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How did he know to bring me
those items? I mean, those

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specific items. It's like he knew
that I was actually responsible for her death.

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He still visits me here in prison
daily, every morning, tapping at

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the window outside my cell, cawing
at me, laughing at me. I

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only hope that damn bird doesn't find
the other bodies. Shott