This is science Friction on Hudson River Radio Dot Cobb Episode fifteen, Revenge of
the Raging Chickens. Wilfrid Yost was a simple man. He was a fifth
generation chicken breeder in Stony Point, New York, who never ate his very
large chickens, but he did have a successful business selling their enormous eggs to
fancy restaurants from Philadelphia to Boston. His motto was eggs from Yost or bigger
than most. Agatha, I'm home, dear. Well it's about time.
You know. It rained again yesterday and the roof is still leaking. Yes,
dear, I'll attend to it shortly. You've been promising to attend to
it for months, so I finally called Martin's Roofing. They'll be here first
thing Monday. But Dear, they want one hundred dollars to fix it.
We don't have that kind of cash right now. The chicken feed bills have
been a bit high. Agatha produced five crisp twenty dollar bills to Wilfred's amazement
and sudden horror. Agatha, what did you do? Where did you get
that money? You know, them rich city folks have been offering big money
for those freakishly large chickens of yours. So I sold them that useless old
rooster. Imagine one hundred dollars for a single chicken. At least one of
us has a head for business. No, not Lancelot. You sold them,
Lancelot, Oh, you and those stupid names. It was that old
worthless rooster, the size of a hog, that ate like a hog too.
That's why your feed bills are more than our mortgaged. You should be
thanking me, thanking you. Lancelot was my best friend. I keep telling
you my chickens are not for eating. You call these people right away and
get him back, you stupid old hag. Well Fred, why I never
How dare you talk to me like that? I should have talked to you
like that years ago, with all your nagging. Now, get Lance a
lot back or I swear I will yo what and it won't do no good
getting them back, as I already plucked in but shurt him. He's probably
on their dinner table right now. A strange expression transformed Wilfrid's face, one
that made Agatha's blood run cold. I I don't know what you're fixin to
do, but if you harm a hair on my heads. Oh no,
I won't touch a hair on your head. No, not me. In
a frightening daze, Wilfrid yost went out the front door and followed the trail
of blood and feathers to the pile of Lancelot's remains. Cradling his severed head,
Wilfrid began to sing in my heart, I'm alone and so lonely.
Hear in my heart I just yearn for you ownly. Then Wilfrid solemnly buried
what was left of his beloved it's a lot, and went to the large
barn at the back of the property. Steel reinforced doors were keeping something inside,
something very large and very angry. Swinging open the doors, a dozen
gigantic occupants were unleashed. Run free, my children, run free, and
take your revenge on the human race. The commotion drew Agatha outside, where
she didn't stand a chance. Oh good heavens, no, these chickens,
they must be eight feet tall. Help. Wilfrid helped me, Yeah,
like you helped Lancelot. They're packing me meanwhile at the trendy nightclub by the
River. Thank you, thank you everyone. I'm Connie, con your host
with the most at coins, Nickel and Dime Club with the coolest cats and
the hottest jazz. This next number from my brother Johnny is an old favorite
of mine from the original cool Cat Cab Calloway. So why you cuddle up
to a Tom Collins dig the following? Hit it? Johnny? What what's
happening? What's going on? No, it can't be huge raging chickens.
They're killing everyone. Run run for your lives. Massive chickens head kicked down
the doors to the nightclub and began attacking with undrdled fury. Connie and Johnny
dove under his piano for cover. Stony Point Police, how can I help
you? Wait? Slow down? What eight foot chickens pecking people to death
destroyed the Nickel and Dime Club? Sure, I believe you. When the
twenty foot turkeys arrived, be sure to let us know. Eight foot chickens.
Yeah, that had to be crazy, and missus Ferguson calling. Surprisingly,
No, it was some drunk at Johnny Coin's nightclub. He claims enormous
chickens wrecked the place and killed dozens of people. Well that's a new one,
Stunny Cooine police, how can I help you? What huge killer chickens
at the nickel and dime? Say? What kind of booze are they serving
over there? Sleeping off? Buddy? Not another crank called about chickens.
Better send Murphy and Smith over there to see what's going on and let them
know. We have better things to do than answer crank calls all night.
Do we have better things to do? Oh? Not really, but they
don't have to know that. When the two police officers arrived at what used
to be that trendiest nightclub on the Hudson River, they were stunned to find
that it looked like a wreck ball had leveled it headquarters. This is Murphy
over headquarters. See any giant chickens, No, sir, but the place
has been demolished and there's casualties everywhere. Send help, Send everyone. At
dawn, rescue crews finally pulled Connie and Johnny Coyne out of the wreckage.
They were practically half dead, but they were the lucky ones. Coin who
did this? It was the chickens. What she must be delirious? Listen,
man, it was the chickens. Meanest foul I ever did see.
Ah, she passed out. Get her to the hospital. Asap. Has
everybody gone mad? Maybe not? Look what I found in the debris,
But they look like feathers, but they're four feet long. We'll be right
back with more of Science Friction Theater on Hudson River Radio dot Com. We
now return to Science Friction Theater on Hudson River Radio dot Com. Meanwhile,
on Meadow Street, where children were lined up waiting for a school bus.
Hey, did you watch Hatty Duty yesterday? Yeah? It was swell.
I'm asking for Howdy Duty puppets for my birthday so we can put on our
own shows. Oh that would be so neat. I was wait did you
see that? See what? Something in the Allison's yard? Look there they
are again? Why they look like really big chickens, really mad? Why?
Just then the school bus pulled up. It was no match for the
raging chickens. Sergeant, sergeant, Now what dispatch just hunted over the over
on Meadow They said a school bus full of kids was attacked and overturned by
huge chickens. My god, it is true. Get some men and ambulances
over there right now and call the state police. Looks like we will need
all the help we can get. Four more deadly attacks took place across Stony
Point that day, but each time when help arrived, it was too late
and the chickens were long gone. But that night it was quiet, perhaps
too quiet. Damn it? How hard can it be to find a flock
of monster chickens in Stony Point. We're trying our best, Sergeant. We
have volunteer lookouts across the town, and I'd like to know where the hell
did they come from? Could it be some sort of breeding experiment at Hudson
River University. They claim to know nothing about it. Wait, what about
that farmer Yosts? He has big chickens. My kids went there on a
class trip. His chickens are big, but nowhere near eight feet tall.
And Wilfred is the gentlest man I ever met. Yeah, you're right.
His wife Agatha would stab you in the back for a dollar, but he
wouldn't hurt a fly. Maybe he can help us figure this out back at
Yost Farms. My faithful friends, you have done well. You are revenging
generations of your ancestors who were heartlessly fluttered and eaten by humans. They are
blind to the love of a chicken. And in the morning I will release
the keeye. My heart knows what the wild goose knows, and I must
go where the wild goose goes. Goose, brother goose witches best wandering foot
or a heart at rest. Back at the police station the next morning,
Hello, Stony Point police, How can I help you? What? No,
we'll be right there. Not another chicken attack. No, now it's
geese, a pair of ten foot geese. They just destroyed Joe's butcher shop
and killed everyone there. That's it. Call the army. I'll go over
to Yost's farm and I'll see if I can get any answers. As the
sergeant headed for Yosts, the rampaging geese and chickens started knocking over fire hydrants,
causing flooding and bursting gas lines, which caused several huge explosions and major
fires. It seemed as if all of Stony Point was lost. Mister Yost,
I was wondering if I could ask you some questions. Yes, argent,
how can I help you? Need some big guy? Not exactly,
but I am interested in big chickens. Oh, I'm sorry, but my
chickens are not for eating. Haven't you heard about all the eight foot chicken
attacks in town? Is this some sort of joke. This is no joke.
People are dying, and you have some pretty big chickens here, don't
you, Sergeant. Look around. There's Guenevere, she's my best egg layer
and largest ten, but she's not even three feet tall. Galahad over there
is my biggest rooster, but he only stands about forty inches. I'm afraid
I'm all out of eight foot chickens and ten foot geese. Wait a minute,
who said anything about geese? Well? I well, before the sergeant
could draw his revolver, both barrels of a twelve gage were stirring him in
the face. Jost tied the sergeant's hands behind his back and walked him to
the big barn in the back. My god, they're enormous there. They're
monsters, monsters, they're beautiful. How did you grow them so huge?
Were they atomically mutated? No, not atomically mutated. My selective breeding and
love mankind has always looked at chickens as nothing more than dinner on legs.
I treat them as equals. They are my friends, my family. Speaking
of family, what does Agatha think about them? Agatha, well, she
she kind of ran afoul of them. You're mad am. I let's see
how you feel in the barn with the chickens looking at you as dinner on
legs. First of all, keep an eye on the sergeant. Army No
now, Yosts shoved the sergeant into the barn and locked the door. Then
he drove the police car into the woods where no one could see it.
Back at the police station, yes, colonel, I understand, but we're
still trying to locate the sergeant. Well, I'm going to need to speak
to someone in charge here. Half the town is burning and the other halfs
is underwater? What the hell is going on here? And don't tell me
again that big birds did this. It's true, colonel. Look at the
feathers we found Great Caesar's ghost. They must have been atomically mutated. Commies
could be behind this, breeding a race of super soldier chickens. Why didn't
we think of this? It's brilliant. Maybe we can admire these hideous killing
machines after we destroy every last one of them. And who are you?
Connie Coin? Former owner of Connie Coin's Nickel and Dun Club, the coolest
place with the hottest jazz until the chickens destroyed it. They killed a lot
of my friends and damn near killed me. I usually knocked him dead with
my piano. But I'm here to ask for a gun so I can help
put this monstrous poultry down. A lot of people in town feel the same
way. Sorry, Coin, We're not about to start arming civilians. If
there's killing to be done, that pleasure belongs to me and my soldiers.
Study point police, How can I help you? What where we're on it?
Colonel? The huge chickens were just seen west of here? Are they
sure? Yes, sir, the chickens were just seen crossing the road.
What's on the other side mountains a few farms. Wait, that's where Yost
places. You're right, and that's where the sergeant was going. And we
haven't heard a peep from him since. Who is this Yost character. He's
a local farmer who just happens to breathe very large chickens. Looks like we
need to assemble a convoy and pay farmer Yost a little visit, lock and
load. Will be ready to move in ten. I'll gather the townspeople and
we'll get torches and pitchforks and meet you there. We'll be right back with
more of Science Friction Theater on Hudson River Radio dot com. And now for
the exciting conclusion of Science Friction Theater on Hudson River Radio dot com. As
the sun began to said, a fearsome array of artillery and armored vehicles headed
down the quiet country lane to yosts. Behind them were hundreds of townspeople armed
with whatever they could find. They were eerily silhouetted in the falling darkness by
the burning town behind them. Come out with your hands up, and you
chickens and geese come out with your wings up, or we'll open fire.
A few tense moments later, us came out of the big barn with a
shotgun, with the sergeant as his hostage, and his massive chickens and geese
lined up in intimidating ranks behind them. You can't shoot, colonel, he
has the salergeant. Let the sergeant go and lay down your weapon and you
won't be hurt. What about my chickens and keys? You know they all
have to die. No, they have just as much of a right to
live as we do. You harm them and the sergeant gets it. Colonel,
if your soldiers won't take care of business, the townspeople will. The
situation looked dire, with death and destruction seemingly as the only possible outcome,
until the sergeant spoke, Wait, everyone, listen to what I have to
say. These chickens they have families too, they have personalities. Perceval here,
he's got a great sense of humor. And Guenevere, she's everyone's carrying
mother. Hen these chickens have obviously brainwashed you. No, I finally see
them for what they are and what we've been doing to them. Colonel,
how many times did you eat chicken this week? I don't know, three
or four times? Coin how many fried chickens does the nickel and dime serve
in a week? Well, I guess one or two hundred. See,
Yost was right. These chickens they have a right to live too. All
of this destruction? Are we supposed to forgive all of that? My chickens
are willing to forgive what you've done to all of them. I'm beginning to
see the light. Maybe we all can get along. Maybe what we need
right now is a song to bring us all together. Coom bye bye.
A few weeks later, the rebuilding of Stony Point was well underway, with
humans and chickens working side by side in harmony. It was the dawning of
a new world, a world with a bright future for everyone. You see,
this has been Science Friction Theater, a production of Hudson River Radio dot
Com, written by Linda Simmermon. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast so
you'll never miss an exciting adventure. See you next time on Science Friction Your cham