This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. Just a reminder, follow me on social media. My social
is at doctor Wendy Walsh. That's at Dr Wendy Walsh. I will be
going to social media, specifically my Instagram and TikTok to look for your relationship
questions. I'm not going to use your name. It's okay. I'll keep
you anonymous. But if you have a question and want me to weigh in
with my drive by makeshift relationship advice, I'm happy to do that, all
right. I did mention earlier in the show that if you're in a long
distance relationship there's a big red flag. One is well too, if your
partner wants to track you in some way and get passwords your social media to
really cyberstock you because they feel insecure about the distance. Don't do it.
Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't sacrifice you. But the other
thing is, let's talk about those sec explicit photos and videos. I'm going
to tell you a personal story about this. Yes, even me. In
the early days before we even had cell phones, when we had cam quarters
and VHS tapes, I had a long distance relationship with a hunky actor who
was taping very far away, and he begged me to produce a video with
him. Yep, just what you're thinking, the two of us. Mhmm.
It was not pretty, just because women are not visually wired. I
looked at him like that is gross, and he said, I love it.
I love it. So anyway, then we broke up and then spent
the months of terror in my heart and soul where I begged him to destroy
this video. He has assured me it's destroyed if it turns up on the
internet. Oh well, I'm an old lady now who cares. But he
has assured me that it is destroyed. But here's the worst thing. He
had to put salt on the wound because after I was nagging him and nagging
him and nagging him, in his final like lettered goodbye. Yeah, we
wrote hard letters even before email to me, he said, I'm really mad
that I had to burn that videotape. Because there was other stuff on that
tape that I wanted. I know, what a jerke, right, what
a jerk. Anyway, it was an excruciating few months of my life.
So I'm going to tell you right now, don't do it. Here's what
the law says about this. If you send somebody a video, it is
now there's it's a gift. You don't own it. You gave it to
them as a gift. They can put it up on a revenge porn site
if they want and make money off your sexually explicit pictures. Now, the
new trick that guys are doing is in the heat of the moment, they
think it's cute and funny to pick up your phone videotape or take photographs with
your phone, and while you're lying there in the aftermath of glow because you've
had such a great time, they text the pictures to themselves and now they
prove that you've just given them a gift. It happens, It happens.
So I'm telling you, I don't care what kind of lung does this relationship
you're in. Do not send sexy pictures or videos because you're going to be
applying for that job at the Supreme Court someday and out it will come just
saying just don't do it. I made the mistake. It was awful.
Don't do it all right. If you believe the Internet, you would believe
that a full eighty percent of men in relationships right now are narcissists. There
is an obsession with narcissistic personality disorder, and women all think they're dating a
narcissist. But narcissists only make up about one or two percent of the population.
And so I want to break it down. What are called narcissistic behaviors
or features, and a true narcissist, a true narcissistic personality disorder. Right,
So basically, it's defined as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, either in
their own mind or how they behave a need for constant admiration. And the
big one, and this is where women get a little crazy lack of empathy.
You see women fall in love with guys they're hooking up with, and
they think he's in love too, and then they can't figure out why he's
separated the sex with it anyway. They think he doesn't have empathy. And
men can separate it very easily and show very little empathy, and there you
are having all your feelings of love. Now here's what the diagnostic and statistical
manual and mental disorder says that you have to have five or more of the
following to actually been to be diagnosed as a narcissist. Five or more.
I'm gonna list you nine things you gotta have. Five One a grandiose sense
of self importance. Exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior.
Number two is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance,
beauty, or ideal love. Three believes that he or she is special and
unique and can be own understood with other high status people. Yeah, you
see a lot of the celebrities. They got to be in the club and
be with other famous people. Number four requires excessive admiration. Yeah, you
gotta kiss the ring. You got to bow down to them. Number five
has a sense of entitlement, unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment. Six is
interpersonally exploitive. Oh yeah, this one. They take advantage of other people
to achieve their own ends. Number seven they lack empathy or unwilling to recognize
or identify with the feelings or needs of others. Eight they are often envious
of others or believes that other people are envious of them. Nine they show
arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. Of those nine things, you have to
have five to be diagnosed as a narcissist. But narcissism is a spectrum,
and people can have one or two of these things and have sort of narcissistic
features. Right, So, here's what a narcissist does in a romantic relationship.
In case you've ever been in this cycle, it really is. I
think it's an abusive cycle. It starts out with what some psychologists might call
an idealization stage. That's where they it's too soon, too much, too
soon. They connect with you super fast, it's all about love. They
make you feel unique, they put you on a pedestal. They love bomb
that's what we call that love bombing. They make you feel like the most
special person and that it's sudden and intense. Then once they have you hooked,
they start to erode your sense of self. This might be called the
devaluation stage, where the narcissist slowly makes you feel totally insecure and devalued.
They criticize you weird, a little passive aggressive behavior, backhanded compliments. Yeah,
that's pretty good for someone to early went to high school. You're pretty
smart, right, A little stuff like that, or stonewalling, ismissing,
cutting you out, they won't talk and you're so frustrated. Then there's the
repetition stage. They want to make sure that the devaluation is working. So
what they do is they do a weird cycle of I call it warm fuzzies
and cold pricklies. So they start out being nice and then just when they
know they got you hooked again, they do negative behavior. And then you're
lying in hope for more niceness. So you stay clingy with the back and
forth. And finally, if you're lucky, I want to say this.
If you're lucky, comes the discard stage, where they just reject you completely
or suddenly decide they have no use for this relationship. I know it hurts,
but you're saved. Some people stay in these kinds of relationship patterns for
years and years. Sometimes it may even involve domestic violence. If this sounds
like you, I want you to call or text the National domestic violence hotline
called the hot Line, because I don't want you to stay in a dangerous
relationship. But for the rest of us, some people just have a few
little traits here and there. Hey, when we come back, I am
going to social media. I'm going to answer your questions. If you would
like to send in a question, just follow me on Instagram at doctor Wendy
Walsh. That's at Dr Wendy Walsh. Then send me a DM You're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I AM six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from
kf I AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
kf I AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. And
this is the moment of truth. Going to social media to take your questions
about your relationship. Just to remind you everybody, I don't have a license
to practice therapy. I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But
i have read a lot about the science of love, and I'm of a
certain age and have a certain degree of wisdom. Yes, I'm your old
auntie, doctor Wendy Auntie, Doctor Wendy. I think one of my nephews
calls me that. Actually, if you would like to send a question in
just the DM, what do we check in Instagram today mostly or TikTok or
Instagram TikTok, all of it? Okay? The hand Deliveryhe is at Dr
Wendy Welsh at Doctor Wendy Welsh, so I haven't seen these ahead of times,
so you never know what I'm gonna read out loud. Here we go,
Hey, doctor Wendy says this person. I have communication problems, for
example, difficulty listening and understanding, difficulty assuming ownership, and difficulty reserving the
time and space to have healthy conversations. That sounds very Did you type that
out of a textbook? It doesn't come naturally to me and my wife?
Me and my wife, now I know that didn't come out of a textbook.
Oh oh, doesn't come naturally to me, and my wife is getting
sick of it. How can I work on my communication skills? Easy?
Go see a license therapist. Honestly, I learned to have emotional communication just
by seeing my therapist. I started therapy when I was pregnant with my first
daughter. I was in and out for eighteen years, and the level of
conversation that you have about emotions in therapy is the thing that teaches you.
And also the two of you could go to couples therapy and that person can
watch you talking to each other and sort of figure out where the mismatches what
you're missing out now. Highly recommend that, dear doctor Wendy, being in
different stages of life is taxing on my relationship. We're growing apart in terms
of interest and life goals. We don't feel connected and I can feel the
impact on our relationship. Are we doomed? Nobody has a crystal ball,
Nobody can say if you're doomed or not. It's very interesting that you say
you're in different stages of life. So I'm wondering if this is a May
December relationship, whether we've got an older partner and a younger partner. You
know, I always say that a relationship is over when you stopped growing.
Have you stopped growing in this relationship? And here's the other thing. Healthy,
happy, long term committed relationships actually are predicated on the fact that each
partner has to have permission to grow separately and then bring that new growth into
the relationship, back into the relationship, right, You got to head out
into the world and get stories to tell when you bring home. You have
to be curious about yourself and your growth. So you're talking about your interest
and your life goals. Let's talk about interests first. You can have other
friends common interest friends for your interests, and then you can come back to
your relationship and tell your person about that. But the life goal thing is
interesting because I think at least every year a relationship has to sit down and
you have to have a discussion about where are we going, what's our plan?
Are we on track for that? And you almost have to rewrite your
relationship contract from time to time. Anyway, I don't have a crystal ball.
I can't say if you're doomed or not. But I'm wondering if you're
doing the work to try to bring the connection back or are you outgrowing the
relationship? And only you will know the answer to that. Dear doctor,
Wendy, a little jealousy here and there is normal. Well, we can
debate that, but excessive jealousy has turned my relationship into a dreaded daily battle.
Listen to how you're talking about your love life, the person who's supposed
to support you, the wind beneath your wings. You know, an exchange
of care has become a dreaded daily battle. Then you go on to say
she is controlling, angry, and overbearing. I think she lacks self esteem.
Yes, that's what pullice do. She is jealous regularly. How do
I get her to be more secure? I love? That's the question.
How do I get her to change? When are these people going to learn?
You're not supposed to change anybody else. You're not supposed to change their
behavior having a boundary? Is you changing your behavior in reaction to them?
So it starts with making a request. Wasn't I just talking about this today?
You start by making a request. When she says where have you been?
Who have you been with whatever? You'll say it doesn't feel comfortable for
me to come home from work and hear you worry about me being unfaithful to
you. I'm going to ask you to stop doing that. Then if she
doesn't follow the request, then you're going to say I'm going to walk out
of the room whenever I hear this conversation because there's no validity to it.
And then you might even say to her if you want to get into therapy,
or you should go to therapy, whatever, you could do that too,
all right, just saying it's don't do the dreaded daily battle, nor
is it. It's not your responsibility to be your partner's therapist. You're not
supposed to heal them. That's dysfunctional, that's codependent. You're supposed to think
about what your needs are and have a very clear reaction, a boundary how
much you can tolerate what you're going to do. Instead, because you're not
forced to stand in the same room with her and listen to this, you
can walk away from a human being. You can break up with them.
There's all kinds of things you can do if it gets that far. But
you need to think about where your boundary is, where your tolerance level is,
and then from there make a decision about what your reaction is going to
be. But you will drive yourself crazy if you're just trying to change her
dreaded daily battle. That sure doesn't sound like a love relationship. That breaks
my heart. All right, I'm going to continue with your questions when we
come back. You are listening to the doctor Wendy Walls Show, on KFI
AM six forty. I want to remind you that you need to go to
the iHeartRadio app. You need to search KFI AM six forty, and you
need to follow us. That's where, because that's where the world's all going,
right, that's where all the breaking news is, right ka breaking news.
You need to follow us on the iHeartRadio app. Also, if you
ever miss any part of the Doctor Wendy Walls Show, it's always on demand
right there on the iHeartRadio app. We'll be back with more. You're listening
to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I AM six forty. Welcome back
to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I AM six forty. We're live
everywhere on that iHeartRadio app. Remember that, Hey, I know how much
you love talk radio. Before I get to more of your social media questions,
I have to say something about the importance of AM radio and I have
to share something. I actually don't have AM radio in my new car.
This was a big problem for me. This is my job, this is
my work. Plus I love talk radio and I love KFI. So the
work around for me and I hope it's the workaround for you sometimes if you
were ever in this situation is you can download the iHeartRadio app and then use
Bluetooth to listen to KFI through the car. That's what I do on a
regular basis. I listen to Handle in the morning all the time using that.
But we want to make sure that AM radio stays in cars for a
very good reason. More than eighty million Americans depend on AM radio. We
need it for our news, our traffic, weather, sports, and for
me, the most important thing is a community connection. Did you know that
AM radio is still the backbone of the emergency alert system if there's if anything
goes down, right, the Internet goes down, your WiFi, your Bluetooth,
whatever. It is critical that we keep AM radio in cars because this
is a free emergency service and it could be your lifeline. Look if there
was a god forbid an earthquake and all the cell sites went down, what
are you going to do. You're going to turn on your AM radio.
You're going to find out where to get water to where it's safe to go,
etc. Now here's how you can ensure that AM radio stays in cars.
You need to text the letters am AM AM radio to five two eight
eight six. That's five two eight eight six, that's the number, and
you just text the letters AM and this will tell Congress that we need AM
radio to stay in cars five to eight eight six. I also want to
add that this message is from my heart, but also furnished by the National
Association of Broadcasters and KFI. I believe very strongly in this. Okay,
let me get back to your relationship questions. These are from I believe Instagram
and a couple of them from TikTok At. Doctor Wendy Walsh is the handle
if you want to follow me, Hey doctor Wendy. Watch I love how
they hey me, Hey, Hey, doctor Wendy Walsh. The monotony of
repeating the same activities daily with the same person has become boring. My relationship
has become too comfortable and unimaginative. I don't want to leave it on board
to tears. How can I find my fun in him again? You know,
my mother used to say when I used to come in on the hot,
long summer days when I was so bored, I'm bored. I'm bored.
And she used to say, if you're bored, you're boring. Go
be exciting. Make some excitement. Okay, this is another question. How
can you get him to do something? You're saying, how can I find
some fun in him? Again? You know what researchers would say, take
him out, put your put your spouse in any new novel situation. I
mean, you don't have to sky skydive or anything that exciting. You can
go to a museum, go hiking, to a garden club, a wine
tasting club I don't know, go to an AA meeting together, I don't
know. Just get him out of the house, go somewhere together, because
they look different in a novel situation. You know, this is funny thing.
Did you know if a baby is less than eight months old, you
don't have to buy them new toys. All you have to do is move
the toys to a different room, and to the baby's mind, it's a
whole whole new toy place because it's in a different schema and in the same
way, your husband will look like a brand new toy if you just get
him out of the house doing something anything. But you are fifty percent responsible
for the boring in your relationship. So the question is what can you do
to be more fun and more happy? You know, you could put on
music and dance while you're cooking dinner and something fun. I don't know,
liven it up, liven it up, as my mother would say. If
you're bored, you're boring. It's terrible. Oh here's one I can totally
relate to this one, Hi, doctor Wendy. From a hey to Hi,
Hi doctor Wendy. I have been my boyfriend's barbie, and I hate
it. Nobody wants to be controlled or likes to be told what to do,
how to dress, or where to spend their money. He controls everything.
He oversteps my boundaries up, but I allow it. What can I
do? Always say this conversation about boundaries to day, and we had a
whole seg when we're talking about boundaries. All right, So he's not overstepping
your boundaries. He's overstepping your requests. He's ignoring your requests. That's the
difference. Right. So what you don't have is a reaction to his boundaries,
right, you need to have. It's not a punishment. You need
to basically say, if you do this, then I'll do this. Right.
So yeah, and there's that other thing, but I allow it.
This is where you and your therapists need to talk about it is your fear
of losing him greater than your fear of having your own self respect, your
own sense of self, your own ability to control your life. If your
fear of abandonment is bigger, you will stay his doormat. You will still
do what he says. You know, you've got to be strong because you
might be surprised. You might be surprised that he might actually like the new
you when you start to own that new word. No, uh huh,
that's a good word. But you also can't just nag. You have to
do something like walk out of the room, say no if he tells you
how to dress, wears something different, and see what he does. Just
see what he does. That's what I say. All right, I think
I have time for one more, Dear doctor, Wendy, I got married
after knowing my husband for three months. Whoops. Then she writes, I
know you're going to say it was a mistake. Now I see. We
have differences in religion, politics, childrearing, and the basic definition of right
and wrong. We all grew up differently with unique morals, values, beliefs,
and goals, but we don't see eye to eye on anything. Can
we make this work although we are so different. Well, here's the answer.
Anything is possible as long as the two of you want to make it
work. If both of you want it, and you mentioned childrearings, you've
got kids, you got a very good reason for wanting to make it work.
I would highly suggest for you guys that you get into couples therapy.
I believe absolutely that if both people put their mind to it. I've also
said before that a relationship can change if one person doesn't want to go to
therapy but one person does, because that person can go and learn all kinds
of skills, tips, tricks, techniques, communication skills, boundaries, etc.
If you go to therapy. So even if you're going to say to
me, while my husband doesn't want to go, he doesn't think we're that
different, then you go. That's what I say already. I love to
answer your questions. You could write to me on my social media anywhere.
The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. That's at dr Wendy Walsh. Also,
if you want to join my Patreon, Patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy
Walsh. We do a Wednesday night Zoom group. That's a lot of fun,
and I post some blogs and stuff up there too, so you can
come on over there. All right. When we come back, where are
we going after this? Oh? How do you know you're in love?
Believe it or not? I get this question a lot. How do you
know it's true love? I'll tell you what science says when we come back.
You are listening the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio Appum, you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from kf I AM sixty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI A M six forty. We are in the home stretch already.
I feel like we got through so much magnificent sex. We got through
a lot of interesting questions. We cleared up that question about whether you're dating
a narcissist, because most of them aren't narcissists. They're just selfish, you
know, not full diagnosis, but we love to call them that. One
of the questions I get a lot is is this true love? Is this
really love? Am I experiencing love? Now? We know that love is
a thing, right, it has biological piece that has psychological piece, that
has sociological piece. The biological is what happens in your brain when you get
this cocktail of neurohormones that feel so good, but also there's this psychological piece.
It reminds you of something familiar from your childhood, and hopefully you had
secure attachments in your childhood, so this is a good thing you're replicating.
And then sociological it's like, oh my god, they look so good on
paper, they have the right job, if they live in the right zip
code, they have the right politics, the same diet. Oh my god,
we're so much alike, right, So all of those things interplay when
it comes to love. I do believe there is no such thing as a
soul mate. It's not like this one person. It's just that when your
brain gets this cocktail of neural hormones and you see this person and you're really
attracted to them, you start to think, oh, it must be my
soul mate. But that's part of a delusion of love. There's been so
much research on the science of love. I'm going to highlight some of it,
and let's go through some scientifically proven signs that you're in love. Number
one, believing that this one special, see that soul mate thing, so
once a lifetime that I'll meet this person. Actually believe that this person you
met is so unique and interesting. And actually one article in the Archives of
Sexual Behavior said that it shows it's because of elevated levels in the central dopamine,
a chemical involved in intention and focus in your brain. So thinking your
lover, this person you met is special is part of the love recipe.
Then this focusing on the positive, all right, I would say not looking
close enough at the negative. So what happens is love is actually a delusion
that makes your brain a little bit irrational. And when you first meet somebody,
they can do no wrong. And in fact, any negative information that
you're presented with at the beginning of falling in love, you dismiss or refute
it in some way. There's been lots of research to support this. But
here's another sign that you're in love. You're kind of emotionally unstable, all
right? Are you bouncing around between feelings of euphoria, increased energy, sleeplessness,
then sometimes anxiety, panic? Are they going to call back? Is
it going to happen? Right? A racing heart, you've got it all
right. That's what it feels like at the beginning emotional instability. Here's an
example. One time, I was falling in love with somebody as Machenga,
and I had a job at I was hosting anchoring the news at UPN and
the promotions guy. I know that. Every Wednesday, the promotions guy,
I give him my copy or I go in and record some voiceover so he
does a promo for whatever my weekend show is or whatever. And I had
lost track of the days of the week. And I was driving in the
car with my beloved, the new hot guy that I was with, and
my guy called my promotions guy's like, where are you supposed to here doing
a voiceover? And I literally didn't know the day of the week or where
I was supposed to be, but I was in such a love cloud.
I remember literally saying to him, dude, we'll do it next week,
Like who cares about one. It was like someone had given me a drug
and I would high. And that is so out of character for me.
I'm punctual, I'm reliable, I get things done. Yeah, that's the
emotional instability. What else intrusive thinking where you can't stop thinking about the person.
That is a sign you're in love. I know you're going to ask,
but when is it an obsession and when is it actual love? It
depends on you know, it is love. It's all love. Even obsessions
are love. It's just that if your model for love from early childhood is
filled with, you know, some kind of pain or whatever, maybe you're
going to be more obsessed. Oh here's another example of love. You kind
of start to become emotionally dependent on what that person does or thinks. You
might get a little possessive, you might feel jealous. Sometimes you might deeply
fear rejection. You might have separation anxiety. You know what Doctor Helen Fisher
at the Kinsey Institute, she loves to say that the areas that life up
in MRI machines in the brain when someone is falling in love, they are
the same areas that light up with like a cocaine addiction. Right, it's
the same thing. It's like a drug dependency. Well, now it's an
emotional dependency. Here's my favorite one. You're planning a future together. Okay,
I know it's a joke. The teenage girls practice, well we did
back in the day. They probably don't do now. They used to take
their first name and the boy's last name and do missus in front, right,
and they'd practice the signature like, this is going to be my future
signature. Me I just plan on how much of a mortgage we could qualify
for. I don't know, but planning the future, thinking in your mind
where it's going to go down the road. You see, if it's not
real love, you're like, I'm here for today, out tomorrow, not
planning a future. Another sign you're in love is having feelings of empathy.
Right again. Doctor Helen Fisher discovered that there are significant patterns in brain active
for people who are in love. She calls them mirror neurons. Mirror neurons
where and you know when we talk to the sex researcher earlier, when she
was talking about this sense of you're having great, magnificent sex and you don't
know where your skin ends and the other person's begin. And that comes from
having deep empathy and empathetic empathic connection. There, I'll get it out.
So if you're actually sensing and caring like the other persons that they have a
bad day and you feel it in your stomach, that's real empathy, and
that's a sign of love. Also, on the negative side, you'll get
a little bit possessive. Possessive feelings. Are you desiring sexual exclusivity? Are
you do you have extreme jealousy. I'm not talking about dangerous jealousy. You're
not turned into a stalker, right, You're not violating somebody's privacy. I'm
just talking about little feelings of Oh, they didn't call tonight, I wonder
where they are tonight. Yep, that's a sign that you're in love.
You also sometimes feel out of control. Love is a risk. I believe
that part of the reason why so many people fall into these situation ships,
these undefined relationships, is because they're so afraid of this feeling of being out
of control, being able to trust someone, being able to depend on somebody
else for their emotional needs to help meet and care for them. And I
tell you, jump in, take the plunge. Love is the best drug
we have. It's free, it's the best thing for your health. Thank
you so much for being with me. It is always my pleasure to weigh
in on your love lives. Every Sunday. I'm doctor Wendy Walsh. I'm
here on KFI every Sunday from seven to nine pm. You've been listening to
Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on kf I Am six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app