Hey, y'all, welcome to Coming Out Pod. Today's queer Root shout out
is one that has come up several times on the pod. Shout out to
you if your queer root is Jillian Anderson. Multiple guests have talked about this,
lady. So it all started with the X Files. This is all
the way back in the nineties. A lot of bisexual guests have noted that
The X Files was when they knew they were by because they were equally into
Jillian Anderson and Dave du Coveney. So X Files has come up several times.
But then Jillian Anderson, I feel like, really blossomed into her milf
era in like recent years. She did this show called The Fall, and
then when she started doing sex Education on Netflix, that like cemented her in
our society. So yeah, Jillian Anderson from you know, from the nineties
to today has been on our radar and shout out to you if she is
your queer root. Y'all. I'm here today with someone I'm really excited to
talk to. Let me introduce you to artist Chloe Star. Hi. Chloe
Hia, Hi, thank you so much for having me, Thank you for
being here. So okay, so Chloe's music video. Chloe has a music
video that's out already. It's first song called Happy Place, but her new
single, Wasted Youth is coming out this Friday, March twenty second. Chloe,
I listened to your single this morning, and I famously have the musical
taste of like a man in his sixties, Like I listen to folk music
mostly. My musical knowledge stops at like the nineties, Like that's sort of
as far as I get with it. And I loved your song. I
really really did. I didn't know going into it. I was like,
I don't know, and it's so fucking great. It's just really really good.
I'm so excited to talk to you about your music. Thank you.
Hi hippen young and cool to like something current, Oh my god, hell
yeah wow, I'm honored to be Like, you know, if you stick
to the nineties vibes and then here I am coming out with a punk pop
yeah, but you're helping me, like you're you're bridging that gap for me,
that like thirty year gap. You're bringing me into the present, and
I really appreciate that. Love to hear it. I love her. So,
Chloe, how do you identify I identify as she her and yeah,
I mean you know Chloe too, just just living like Chloe. It's great.
That's great. Do you is the word is queer something that resonates for
you in terms of like absolutely yeah, yeah, yeah, I definitely am
clear beautiful. That's good because I yeah, since you're on this podcast,
it would I'd have to do like a hard left turn if it turned out
you were straight. So I'm glad that that is not the chase. That
would be very well. I no, no, I would know. Now
this is it's a relief. Thank you, Thank you for clarifying. Uh.
But yeah, we're just we're going to talk about, uh, your
music, and I know that with your latest single, like a lot of
your background and your story went into uh the lyrics for that. I'm not
familiar with Happy Place at all, if you want to speak to that as
well. Uh, but the way we always kind of get started on this
podcast is with with you and your personal coming out journey. So yeah,
where does it all begin for you? Yeah? I mean, so to
start with like my my like coming out journey. You know, wow,
what a journey. It's been like what a ride. I like ever since
I was a kid, right, I feel like I was always tapped into
both feminine and masculine energy. Like literally since I was like a child.
You know, I grew up with a older brother, so I was,
you know, his little like his I was. I was his little brother,
you know, And I always wanted to do what he was doing.
I always wanted to like fit in with him, and he he would be
riding dirt bikes and then I'd be like, I want to do that,
And where did you grow up? Where did you guys grow up? So
I grew up back and forth from so my mom's side of the family's Native
American so we grew up on I grew up on my family's reservation and also
back and forth from there to Los Angeles. So I like had I was
living two complete different lives. Yeah, And on the reservation, we we
would ride dirt bikes and like you know, we were in the mud,
walking barefoot, doing the most So, like you know, I always wanted
to fit in with with him and my cousins, and you know, we
got dirty, like we we we didn't really care. There was like no
no worry. At the age of like, I don't know what it was
like eight nine ten. Did you get called tomboy a lot? Was that?
Like I was tomboy to the max? Yeah, I had. I
always is this one photo of me. I don't know, I have to
be like six. I'm in basketball shorts, uh, some like blue T
shirt and I've also have I think I have like a backwards uh like trucker
hat cap on. Yeah, yeah that's me. Nothing's changed. That's like
TikTok lesbian outfit of today. I feelah, you were all righty, you
were ahead of the cur I was like that was that was it? And
you know, I think like as I've grown up and like gone, I've
gone through so many different like stages throughout my life of like finding my sexuality.
I've definitely had a fem phase of like maybe this is what I'm supposed
to be maybe, you know, not knowing like I I was kind of
I struggled with being confused with like who I was at a young age,
and I did. I think the the cool thing about me with myself,
like the relationship that I have with myself is that I allow myself to experiment,
and I allow myself to be uncomfortable and I allow myself to like tap
into whatever energy I want to tap into. So because I've had that mentality
and I'm so grateful that I was raised with that through from like my mom.
You know, she was very like accepting of like how I wanted to
dress or how I wanted to walk, or how I wanted to talk,
you know. So it gave me the opportunity to like tap into to these
different stages that I went through, you know. But it wasn't a smooth
sailing of like who am I. I was definitely like a little confused.
Around the age of probably thirteen, I had like a really big crush on
Kristin Stewart, Oh for sure, you know. So was that like her
Twilight era? Yeah? Okay, okay, yeah, okay, yeah,
big crush. It's understandable, And I mean, yeah right, you know,
Like so you know, I had like all of these like crazy thoughts
going through my head, like oh God, what am I thinking right now?
Like how do I tell people what I'm thinking? So you knew like
that it was like unconventional or whatever to like you would you already knew by
thirteen, like, oh, me having a huge crush on a girl is
like the kind of thing I should be careful about who I talk about to
it and maybe keep it to myself. Like you already had internalized kind of
messaging. It sounds like kind of yeah, yeah, and you know I
didn't. But the thing is I didn't receive that from my parents. Sure,
yeah, you know, so like I didn't receive that messaging like that
was never likely a thing from like my mom or my dad. So like
where did that come from? That that just came from like society that is
like yeah, you know, somebody, guess are like I don't understand why
I was like scared to come out or I felt weird, like my parents
were so liberal and like they had gay friends. And it's like it's not
even you can have the most understanding parents in the world if you exist in
society by the time you're like puberty age, you know what, outside of
the normous, you know what I mean, And it's like that that stuff
is just hard to you can have the most compassionate upbringing ever and that stuff
still in prints upon you as like different wrong, like it's yeah, yeah,
no, definitely, like yeah, yeah, because that's that's what happened,
you know. But I feel like everyone around me knew you know,
except it was like I was keeping some sort of secret, but it wasn't
a secret to everybody else. They were just like I feel like they were
like, well, let's see what Chloe's gonna Let's let's see how she's gonna
move through this one, you know, like everyone knew. There was no
like question about it. I think they were just waiting on me to be
like, all right, who like so that yeah, and it was.
It was a weird time. I definitely like struggled, Like I remember there
was a time where I like googled, like, am I gay quiz?
You know? Am I gay quiz? Gosh, I don't even know how
old I was, Like I had to have been like third. This is
probably around the Kristen Stewart era, you know, yeah, being likely googling
the same thing though, And that's what's so funny is like she didn't know
at TWILIGHTE time, like she's probably also googling it. Yeah, I'm sure
taking the same quiz. I'm sure. Oh my god, what if we
did take the same quiz? Star crossed? But but I did like all
that stuff, and like, you know, especially like at that age,
it's I don't know it was such I don't know when I look back in
comparison to where I'm at now, like I'm so open, like yeah,
you know, I'm like I don't give a fuck, like you like me,
you don't, It's fine. I could literally care less and yeah,
but went through all that, did all the googling. Am I gay?
What's going on? Oh my god, I'm thinking of girls? Like it
was a very interesting thing to go through. Also, like kind of felt
a little lonely too, because I felt like I was like on this like
journey or like this path, like who do I talk to? Who do
I tell? You know, we're friends at this time, like starting a
date boys? And like were they talking about like Edward and Jacob in Twilight?
And you're like, like, dad, as they were talking about Edward
and Jacob And I'm in my head, like but what about Kristen? Dude?
Yeah, you know, like but what about her? But I did
play long, you know, I did play until they're like, yeah,
Jacob has my heart? Oh my god? But you know we all know
who truly had my heart. I am so much older than you, it's
like upsetting. But when I was growing up, I remember so like nine
o two one oh was like big when I was like original nine O two
one o and I had a poster of Luke Perry in my room and like
I wasn't like but that was just what you did, you know what I
mean? Like I was just like the guy who ever been likes on nine
two? Yeah, oh, I also like him, Like let me buy
a poster and put it on my room, Like no feeling for Luke Perry,
but yeah, like that is what we do because it's like you see
everyone else doing it. Yeah yeah, yeah, especially like in like what
was it like middle school going into high school? Like uh huh. That
was when I had the poster. Yeah, yeah, that's that's when you
got to play that part, or at least for me, I was playing
the part like and I grow into it too. I was like, I
was like, he seems like a nice guy, and I bet like eventually
I'll like have a crush on him, so I should get this poster now
and like get ahead of it. Like I thought I was gonna have a
crush on Luke Perry's but like and then eventually, like I didn't. Haven't
did you have this experience, like did you have crushes on guys sometimes because
like I would like the super feminine ones, and then I'd be so excited
if I had what felt like a crush on a guy, and I tried
to like nurse it and nurture it and like turn it into something real,
because it was just like yeah, yeah, oh yeah, no, I
had, I had. I definitely had crushes, yeah, and tried my
absolute best to hold on to it, you know, oh my god,
yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. But then I like started getting girl
crushes, and I'm like, oh, what's happening, what's happening, what's
happening? One hundred percent, and those, at least for me, those
feel like so much more like intense. So it's so funny to try to
like focus on the guy crush that you don't care that much about, and
meanwhile this girl crushes just like an ever present rumble and you're so conscious,
You're like you're like, uh yeah, yeah, it's like, let me
just shove this down and like try my best to not pay attention to it
because it doesn't exist, Chloe, it's not real, you know. Yeah,
I played, I played all those games with myself, you know,
So all that happened, and then around like fifteen, was it like fifteen,
Yeah, I got a boyfriend? Oh hell yeah, well I get
you. Okay you could say hell yeah, but like this was very interesting
for me at least it was. It was an experience that I had to
go through. Okay, it was me definitely living in that like idea of
all right, well if I get a boyfriend, then I'll be able to
like train myself to like boys. Yeah you know what I mean. I
think mine might have been sixty fifteen or sixty, but yeah, same thing.
Was it? Like, did you find out that a guy was interested
in you? So you were like, oh great, perfect me to me
too, Yeah, okay, yeah, he started texting me and we had
passes together, and I'm like, wait, this is perfect. This is
literally everything that I need right now. This is perfect. It's gonna shut
off all of the crazy thoughts that I'm having, and like I'll be able
to just like, Okay, now I have a boyfriend. Everyone. Now
I could show everybody that I have a boyfriend, and I can like prove
that point to like, I guess I don't think it was so much to
prove it to everybody else. It was to prove it to myself because of
the like fear of like what is going on with me? God, this
is really relatable. You know, I feel you on this, But it
didn't like you know, I mean, he was great. He was a
sweetheart, Like he was such a good guy, Like you know, shout
out to Corey, like got shout out to Connor. Are we the same
person? I love that we might be. We might be, Like this
is so similar. Okay, I haven't talked to him. I mean it
is. I haven't talked to him since I was like fifteen, you know,
but like so much love for that guy. What a great guy.
Thank you so much for walking through my finding myself. Rah yeah you know,
yeah, but yeah, I mean I don't even remember how long that
lasted. That may have lasted, Like I don't know what is a high
school relationship. It lasted like probably a semester or still so long at the
time, but like yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, So
that so that happened. And while that was happening, were you I assume
you were still like suppressing all of the thoughts about girls and stuff, like
you're just sort of living a duality or like yeah, I think I like
convinced myself like this is what I like, you know, but I realized
like I was having a really hard time even at that age. Though you
don't really know like relationship stuff, right, like you don't know, like
I just I What I did know is I connected with boys. At that
age. My friends. All my friends were boys, you know, so
like I kind of thought like, oh my god, a boy another boy
best friend, Like hell yeah, but now he's my boyfriend. Okay,
cool, like because I didn't really have like girlfriends, you know, like
I kicked it with the boys, like I went to the boy's house to
go jam after school, like I you know, I I rolled with the
boys. I remember feeling weird because like again, yeah, like you're saying,
most of my close friends were guys, and of the girls who I
was like closer with, I had like crushes on them. So I felt
guilty about that because I felt like like it's like, oh, they think
this is just a friendship and I have these feelings. So it was like
weird to have closer friendships with girls because I felt like I was like lying
to It was just a very confusing time. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah,
And can I ask because so you're I mean, you're a songwriter.
Like at this time, I was writing, I remember like really shitty not
like poetry, but just like long like prose and so like, were you
like writing down you're in like a secret journal, like your feelings about girls
or was that like so locked up that you weren't even putting it out there
just for yourself. I think at that time I was by by like the
ninth grade. I was writing because I was a big journaler as a kid,
Like you know, I also like dealt with so much other stuff that
like I didn't know how to express my emotions. So like I found journaling,
and I found that around like the age of like twelve ish, So
yeah, it probably took me like two years to like start being like girls,
Like oh my god, Like I just today I googled if I'm gay
or not, and it said yes, Now what do I do? You
know? Like yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember having like documents on
like cause it was when I was growing up. It was just like a
family computer. So I would like have word documents that were just named in
all capitals, do not read, which is like if you want your parents
to read something like that's a great title to get it. But like,
yeah, I remember writing stuff about girls like in later. High school was
when I started doing that. Yeah, yeah, you have to put it
somewhere. You know, you got how to explode, and nobody wants that
exactly, so what yeah, so so so then I guess to keep to
keep this this crazy journey of mine going. So we broke up, and
you know, didn't really have like a it was not like a heartbreak.
We actually like stayed friends. And I wonder if he knew, you know,
I wonder if you knew what the vibe was. But hm, he
definitely knows now because I've seen him like pop up on like my Instagram,
you know, and I'm like, you know, and I'm like, oh
my god, sweetheart. But I then I met a girl when I went
to high school. No, I technically was okay, so I was seventeen,
okay, yeah yeah, literally, like after him, I met a
girl, and I guess it was like a year after or so, and
maybe year and a half. We became really good friends best friends, you
know, and like it started with like best friends for however long and we
were best friends, I don't know, like maybe six to I don't know,
maybe even like a whole year, Yeah, something like that, just
besties and you know, then it one thing turned into another and we actually
started dating and brod, you're living the dream that's like so many people's dream.
It was like, yeah, yeah it was. It was It was
a very like it was very beautiful how that whole thing played out. And
do you remember who, like, was it just kind of like both of
you or did someone like make the first move or something? Because I feel
like so many people are listening right now being like how do I do this?
I'm in this situation. Ye, honestly, it was so natural,
so like or I don't know, I feel like organic is such a weird
work to use for this, but it really was. And that's a very
gay word. I love it. Yeah, we fell in love and you
know again like just we were like two kids eighteen nineteen, and I I
think like what got us to that point was we just both felt like that
energy between the two of us, And at that point I had never been
with a girl, like I had never had any like real experience aside from
like my Kristen Stewart crush and like seeing girls around and being just thinking about
them. You know, so, yeah, totally totally did she know that?
Was she like I don't know if out is a right word, because
like that's her own business, but like did she know that she was queer
or was she sort of on the same page with like feeling it out and
not really we were both on the same page. A yeah, we were
both both this is like an indie coming of age movie. This is beautiful.
Yeah, yeah, it was like it really was something special, you
know, and we we kind of kept it a secret for a little while.
Ah, and we didn't know, or at least I'm gonna speak for
myself, I didn't know. Like I didn't know where to go from there.
You know. I was like, like, oh my god, everything
that I've been thinking about is like true, Like everything is happening, Like
now it's real, and now I have to like now I have to figure
it out, you know, because oh my god, I'm feeling these feelings
towards this person, Like this isn't just this isn't someone from a movie that
I'm watching. This is like a real you know, h one hundred percent.
And I don't know if straight people fully get that, because it's like
when you first like fall in love or whatever words you want to use as
a queer person. It's not just like about that person in that relationship.
It's like suddenly you have to think, like, oh, what does the
rest of my life look like now that I've realized this fundamental thing about myself.
Oh my god, you hit it spot on, You hit it spot
on. That was literally what I was going through. It's like what it
was like, my whole life is now changing, yep, you know,
and now I have to take these big steps to like tell people like,
this is what happening, and how do I do that? To do a
press tour now? Like I exactly exactly, and I didn't know how to.
I really didn't know how to, and I was so fucking scared.
But again I was so fucking scared, but everybody else around me knew.
So I'm like, what was I going through? Like, oh my goodness.
So then the day came. So then the day came. Yeah,
the day came. I was at Mel's Diner, which is a diner out
here Los Angeles. Yeah, I was at Mel's Diner and I met up
with my mom and I remember this whole day. I was like, I'm
gonna tell my mom today. I'm telling her. I'm telling her. I
thought about it, and I even told the girl, right. I told
the girl was like, listen, I'm about to tell my mom. I'm
about to tell her. I'm so scared. And she's just like, it's
gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine, like you know, like she
was like trying, she was supporting me and showing up, and and I
was, I like, was about to shit myself, you know. And
I had like built this up so big in my head and it came,
you know. We we were now sitting in the booth at Mel's Diner in
the valley and I'm like, Mom, I have to tell you something and
this is actually really funny, very interesting thing. And she's like, okay,
honey, I have to tell you something too. And I'm like,
oh god, okay, all right, all right, you have to tell
me. Okay, well okay, well let me tell let me tell you,
let me, let let me start. Let me get this out of
the way. And she's like, okay, what's what's going on? And
I was like, mom, I'm in love with a girl and I'm dating
her and we're together, and I like girls, okay, and she goes,
okay, honey, that's great. Yeah, I know, I know,
okay, and then she's like I have a boyfriend, and I'm like
what what what? I was like, wait, you have a boyfriend and
I have a girlfriend and we're okay, and she like she was just like
I'm she was just so supportive and so loving it. And it really showed
that like she knew, you know, and she was just like waiting,
you know, and I feel like she she knew that I was like really
going through it with trying to like figure out how to say this, so
she didn't want to make it a bigger deal than what I already was making
it out to be. So she was just like, all right, you're
gonna throw this on me. I'm gonna throw this on you. Like oh
god, she yes, and you as we say in that's beautiful, you
know. And yeah, we talked about it afterwards, like she obviously had
to get this off her chest, and I, you know, like my
parents were divorced for however long and she I know that she was scared to
tell me, you know, and like we were both it was a very
it was a beautiful moment. We were both able to show up for each
other in that in having that conversation, and like I think, me,
I think she already knew. She already knew, because come on, how
many sleepovers can I be having with a girl? Like? Mom, can
she come over? Can we have a Can I have a sleepover? It's
like, Chloe, You're eighteen years old having sleepovers? Oh cute? So
she like it just like opened the door for us to to show up for
each other and like listen and you know here like you know, She's like,
do you have any questions? I'm like, Mom, do you have
any questions? Like you know, like like is there any concern I'm like,
do you have any concerns? Like are we good? She's like are
we good? And I'm like yeah, oh my god. And she's just
like, Honey, I love you so much, like I don't care who
you love like this, like I'm here, I support you, I love
you. Like no. I was like, Mom, I don't care who
you love. I support you and I love you, Like are you kidding?
This is so good? So that was like that was the moment I
had had. Yeah, did that make you feel like because that went so
well and that was that was like your very first coming out? Is that
correct? Or had you told like a friend or anything before this or was
your mom like the first outlete? I had some friends that knew about me
and this girl. Sure, cool, you know they they knew and they
weren't like they didn't really care. They didn't care at all. They were
just like whatever, Like makes sense, Chloe, that makes sense for you,
Like nobody is questioning anything. But I was so scared to tell my
mom and like, yeah, you know, I think it was. I
think I was just like grateful that like selfishly like she also had something that
she had to talk about, just like lined up. And even even if
she didn't have anything to tell me, I know, the response still would
have been the same, you know, totally. So yeah, what a
what a moment that was? But did that fa to this? Is?
Also? I came out to my parents at Clark's Diner in Evanston, Illinois,
So again, parallel's happening. Wow, diners are a great place to
come out to parents. Diners and cars. A lot of folks come out
in cars. Okay, That's what I've That's what I've learned from doing a
coming out podcast. Did this going so well for you up to be like,
oh, I can start like telling people like, do you feel like
that prompted you to start being more like open about it or was it still
sort of like you were rolling it out slowly? Honestly, as soon as
I told my mom, I was off to the races. That's awesome.
Like so I was just like, all right, cool, like we're good
now. I don't give a fuck. So once I got that, like
I don't know what you want to call it, like that reassurance. I
you know, my mom, she's like, my mom's my best friend,
and like anything that she has to like, I take everything she says to
heart. And you know, I trust my mom's judgment and everything, like
if she says don't do that, I'm not doing that, like she knows
and and so her response to anything that I'm doing or going through is very
important to me. So once I got that, I'm like, you know
what, now I am able to like live in my my truth. I'm
able to walk offend. And of course there were like some weird like oh
god, this is a comfortable moments with some people and some some family and
some of this. But I just like had the mentality of like I don't
care what you have to say, Like Mom's cool with it, Like,
so fuck you if you don't agree with me, or if you don't like
me anymore, you know, because I went through a lot of weird shit
with some friends too, where like now the idea is that because I am
out about liking women that like now I like all women, and that was
like that was a tough thing to go through, like, oh, we
can't share room because cool likes girls. And it's like what, No,
you're you're not getting it right. You're you're not understanding, like that's not
the case. Like, yeah, that's such a hard one too. That
was a big part of my fear in like high school of not wanting like
my female friends to know that at the time, I thought I was bisexual,
to be fair, but like not wanting them to know that because I
was scared that they would have that exact reaction. So it's really disappointing when
people yeah, yeah, and there's like that, Yeah, it is a
weird thing too. It's weird because like that's you know, just because I
you know, I do I identify as a lesbian, you know, like
I women, I am all about women, and like that, that's that's
that's me, and there's just some people don't understand that, like, you
know, just because I identify as a lesbian, like it doesn't mean that
I'm trying to like fuck you like you're my friend. I'm not trying to
fuck you, like I'm not gonna look at you in any weird way.
Like So I went through that, and that was like a shocker, and
that was like a weird thing to go through. I just didn't know how
to truly handle it because I also like put myself well not even nah,
fuck that. I'm not gonna say I put myself in their shoes, like
no, because if I were in their shoes, I wouldn't think that.
So yeah, yeah, that was a bit of a struggle. I definitely
like worked through that and like tried to figure out like how to you know,
manage all that and letting also like reassuring, like like educating. I
felt like I could to educate the people in some people of my life,
like hey, just because you know, I I identify as this, it
doesn't mean that I'm trying to fuck every single person. And also identifying as
a you know, like just like coming to like figuring out my sexuality.
It doesn't mean that it's all based around It's not based around sex, I
know, like actual like like intercourse like sex, you know, like like
intimate like like that's not And that was another thing Like people think that just
because I don't know, it was weird. It was weird. It is
weird. Yeah, it's it's not getting any less. Well that's not true.
It is getting a little less weird, but it's still like these are
things that were going on a million years ago when I was coming out,
and it's like they're still going on, Like people still have the same like
sometimes shitty reactions and like weird irrational fears like oh no, so no you're
gonna It's like if I haven't been trying to fuck you this whole time we've
been friends, Like it's not suddenly gonna like it's just exactly, it's not
just gonna happen now where I just out of nowhere get these like no,
oh yeah, you're not like a werewolf. It's not like that's out.
Yeah, although how cool would that be? And so I know just from
reading up about like your single that's coming out and the meaning behind that,
I know that if you want to speak to it or not totally fine,
But I know that there were other things going on at this time in your
life that were like really difficult things to be going through, especially or even
before this time in your life, like at such a young age, and
like, I'm wondering if if you felt like there was any link between those
things, like like was suppressing the feelings leading to habits that were sort of
like was it kind of like a big circle or do you feel like those
things were separate for you. I'm speaking vaguely because I don't want you to
have to go into this unless you want to. No, I'm super down.
I'm so yeah, super down. I mean, you know, I
was like discovering my sexuality and like trying to figure out what I was like
trying to accept that I was a lesbian or that I liked women while also
being a drug addict. So it was like this weird intermixed like I have
all these feelings, like I'm struggling with depression, anxiety and eating disorder,
I'm self harming, and I'm gay. Oh my god, Like like how
do I manage all of this? At the age of like fourteen fifteen sixteen.
Let's forget that I'm gay and just handle like what is at the table
right now, which is like addiction, like mental health. And you know,
but I could, you know, I couldn't Like there was no like
drug or substance that could actually push that down, because that was a thought
every single day. Yeah, but I don't think that I was using to
suppress those specific feelings good. Yeah. I think the the other feelings were
just you know, I had a lot. There was a lot. Life
was a lot at those ages, and I just didn't know how to just
live like slash survive, and I thought everything that I was doing was to
survive. So it was this weird like back and forth like I don't know
how to live, so I'm gonna do these things that could kill me,
but they make me feel alive. Oh god, yeah, you know.
Yeah, I think that sentence is actually like a really good description of life.
Yeah, probably feels like for a lot of people. Yeah that's yeah,
Yeah, that that's what that was. And so like with Wasted Youth,
I did feel like I wasted a lot on my youth. I feel
like I missed out on a lot. I feel like I didn't get to
enjoy you know those years, and those years are so important. You go
through so many different like eras of life, like twelve to thirteen, what
a big jump, thirteen to fourteen like oh my god, now you're like
officially a teenager, and like fifteen, like, oh my god, puberty,
what the fuck? Like I just missed so much and I was yeah,
yeah, I was just battling. I was struggling, and I so
now, which is like ten years later, I wrote this song Wasted Youth
about that experience, about a specific one. Actually, when I was sixteen,
I was sent to a wilderness treatment program and I was there for three
months, and oh my god, I didn't realize it was that long.
Yeah, Ok, it was crazy. Yeah, it was crazy. Like
I didn't like, you know, I shit in a hole for three months.
I didn't shower for three months. I had to in order to eat
hot food. I had to make a fire out of a stick in a
rock. I slept in a sleeping bag under like just a blue top.
It wasn't even a tent. It was just like a painter's tarp. Oh
and god, did you go this voluntarily or was it like your no?
I was what they called goons. So they came into my house I was
living with my mom. Came into my house and it was a whole setup.
They like, yeah, pulled up out of the blue and they were
just like we could do this easy way the hard way. And I just
had no idea what they were even talking about. You know, I was
like what. And at that time that that was happening, I was also
under the influence of substances, so I was just like, whoa wait a
second, and yeah, they grabbed me, They put me in a car,
ended up at the airport, ended up like at on a on a
plane. I'm asking the flat attendant where is this plane going? And the
flat Attend's like, what, We're going to Atlanta, Georgia. And I'm
like, I was just home an hour ago and now I'm on a plane
to Atlanta, Georgia. God, and uh yeah, then was just ended
up at this program? Was this something you're had your mom set this up
to? Yeah, my mom set this up. Obviously at the time,
I was not a fan of my mother. But God, it's amazing how
far you've like telling that stuff. Worry about the diner and then hearing that
this preceded that it's like incredible. How Yeah, you know, my I
I wasn't in a good place and I wasn't able to recognize that for myself.
And you know my mom, My mom didn't want me to die.
Yeah, and she did everything that she could to save my life. And
she did. You know, if she didn't send me to that program,
I would not be here telling you this story. And there's a lot of
like pros and cons with programs like these, you know, like there's kids,
there's like so many kids have had so many different experiences, and do
I think my experience was the best? No, like not showering like not
like like there's so many things that need to be changed about these adolescent programs
because that's not how you do it. But but I'm grateful that my mom
did something. I'm grateful my mom stepped in because it Yeah, I wasn't
gonna last another femal, Like there was no way with the rate that I
was moving. WHOA wow? And did you was that the point where you
got clean? Or was there more that had to happen after these three months?
In terms of at that point I did. I got right into recovery
when I when I got home and I did stay sober, uh and clean
and all of that, and was in recovery for like everything for almost two
years. And then I slipped up and then was back on back, you
know. I ended up in different programs, and it was a battle.
Honestly up until like twenty twenty two, it was a battle, and sixteen
to twenty two, twenty one, twenty two, it was like on and
off, on and off, like I got my shit together. I don't
I got my shit together? Oh no, Like now, like I couldn't
figure it out. I really couldn't, And I don't know now, like
I feel so like yo, I thinking about the things that I was doing,
Like I can't even believe it. I get so scared to take melatonin.
I get so scared to take a Thai lintel. I'm like, what
is this gonna do to me? You know what I mean? Like,
oh my god. I've heard friends say similar things now that they're older and
just be like Jesus, I remember, like I used to just like take
a handful of pills and I didn't know what they were, and they're like,
yeah, like, oh I'm gonna get heart burn if I eat this
close. Yes, Yeah, I'm like, is this gonna trigger my ibass?
Like, baby, it's crazy. It's crazy because I used to do
that, Like the I was like, I don't know what that pill is,
but I'll take it. I lived in Amsterdam for three and a half
years of my friends. Yeah, I had friends who were that like found
a bag in the bathroom, free baggy. Yeah, I don't even know
what it was. Dead ass. Now I read the labels of all ingredients,
I'm like, oh my god, Asha, waganda. That is going
to have me on my ass later, Like is this gonna give me a
hangover in the morning? Like this is literally how my friends are. This
is so funny. They've had the exact same mark something that it's a flip.
It's a crazy flip, like sure, And I'm just saying I'm so
grateful for the place I'm in now. It is really wild to think,
like, yeah, well, do you feel like being able to write a
song like Wasted Youth about that specific experience? Does that feel like kind of
like closure to that or like you have enough distance that now you can because
that was a while ago and the song is just coming out now, So
was it like that you needed that time to kind of like process all of
that, and now that you can write about it, it's like, yeah,
I did. I needed a lot of time to process that. That
experience, you know, it is a it is feels like closure. It
feels like even writing writing it and like now talking about it so much more
and like sharing that experience. So it's so healing, you know, And
I'm getting connected through TikTok. I'm getting connected with other kids that went through
that same experience. I'm hearing about their experience, like they're showing me their
photos like like you know, like their journals that they had while they were
there. And it's it's beautiful to be able to to connect on that level
because the only people that truly get it are the ones that experience that.
Oh I'm sure it's so specific, like we don't most of us don't have
a frame of reference for like sleeping under a tarp for three months and not
shower, Like that's just like you can you can have empathy, but like
it's really hard to be like I get it, Like yeah, yeah,
it's it's different, but it's been healing, and it's yeah, I think
now has been been the change, like the great the perfect timing. The
one like big trauma that I've dealt with that I'm still working on is from
that is rain. So like whenever it rains, I get into a little
bit of a a trauma response where if I'm laying in bed and it starts
raining, I just like start crying, Oh my god. And that's because,
like I would say, like eighty five to ninety percent of the time
that I was there, it was pouring rain, thunder lightning, and like
so the sound like triggers something in my brain and it puts me back into
that place. So I've been doing work, you know, in therapy,
trying to really like get this under wraps and heal that that specific area.
But yeah, it's always the rain man, and it's supposed to be beautiful,
you know. Like I know, it's like listen to rain sounds to
fall asleep and you're like, yeah, whatever it rains, I just I
don't get a full night's sleep. I'm just oh, it's horrible. Oh
my god. Yeah, I can't even imagine. I'm like the I my
two things that I hate are being cold and being wet, So like I
can't and that's me not having this experience so I cannot even imagine how traumatic
that was, Slash is I'm so sorry. No, I mean we're working
through it. You know. Also, like the pro I have to stay
in the pros of like it's good. You know, I had to do
it. I had to go there. I mean, I don't know if
I had to go to that ex that to that extent, like you know,
a roof would have been nice. But yeah, but uh but yeah
that it did create some some long term issues for me for sure. Well,
is this here's a maybe? Is this a silver lining? I mean,
lesbians and camping, those are like those go hand in hand, and
you must be the most like wilderness. You're like the ultimate lesbian camping expert.
I feel like that's if the world is ever ending. Yeah, call
me, I got you. Okay, that's incredible. Oh yeah, what
So what I want to I want you to be able to talk about like
anything and everything else that you I mean, does your do you have songs
that specifically deal with your coming out or with your queerness or like you're obviously
very out as a queer artist, but like is that something that you that
you put in your music or is it more just like incidental, Like what
how does that sort of figure out? Oh, it's definitely my music my
breakups with my exes, like my ex girlfriends. Oh yeah, they all
got a song all that. Yeah, okay, that's what all my bad
poetry was about in my early twenties. So yeah, respect for you know
it is. It's yeah, I did. So I was. I was
in a relationship. Oh my god, not me just putting everything no one
knows. Okay, So this is like a few years ago, and I
was in a relationship for for almost two years, and I did this three
song trilogy thing Vibe, where it's the first song on this project was called
Fool, and then that's like it's about that, It's about that specific relationship.
Okay. So Fool was me feeling like a fool in a relationship and
uh, I don't know, feeling like I just yeah, feeling the fucking
fool. And then the second song was found my Piece. That's I found
my piece when You're away. So then you know, that's where the breakup
happened. And and then that's where happy place comes into place, is getting
out of the relationship and just like finally feeling like yo, I can be
happy on my own, like there's so much more to life than being stuck
in something that's like not for you, you know. And that video for
Happy Place actually comes out, came out, Yeah, it'll by the time
the drops, it'll Yeah, so it'll be out. And I did three
music videos that they all it's kind of like one big movie now now that
all three of them are out, so they all lead into each other.
And yeah, so that that that those three songs, Thank you so much
to you know. But yeah, I definitely write about my experiences of you
know, my love life and what it's like like being being being clear,
and I'm excited about I'm dropping an eph in a couple of months, and
it's just it's just my all about my experiences and storytelling. And yeah,
I'm very open with my sexuality. Now, I'm not googling anything any more.
Like I'm here and I'm here and I'm ready for it. And yeah,
do a lot of do like your younger fans of any age, do
they ever do you get like coming out messages or people who like who are
realizing and like maybe telling you their experience or they found you because they were
like that must be so beautiful. Yeah, I have actually gotten. I've
gotten a lot of messages. The ones that like really hit home are oh
my god, I'm not gonna cry right now. I'm not gonna cry.
Are there? They say like, hey, uh you help me come out
to my parents? Oh my gosh. And I read those literally crying in
my bed before I go to sleep, like no way, what like you
know, and it's all it goes into they go into detail and and it's
like thank you for sharing your story and being open about your sexuality and like
your you're just a journey that you've been on that it's given me like the
confidence to to tell my parents or like the people of my life and that's
so cool. It's just it is. It's incredible. And I've even gotten
like letters like mailed to me of like coming out stories and it's just it.
Yeah, it is a feeling that is just unexplainable, like I yeah,
it's yeah. I bet not only that, I bet you are some
people's Kristen Stewart, you know what I mean, Like they're going to be
on a podcast in like twenty years. Like when I was in middle school,
a huge crush on this singer. Oh for somebody you probably already are.
It's probably happening as we speak. So no, no, I bet
it came full circle. I think I think you should give yourself credit for
that. Am I your Christen Stewart? You got no? No, no,
no, no, I don't know. Because Christmas Stewart like played a
huge role in like my sexuality. I'm like, oh, yeah, sure.
Were you so excited when she came out? Were you like I knew
it? I knew it? Yeah, I knew it. But then like
because I felt like I knew it, I was like, damn, and
I didn't know that I was gay. Like it's easier, it's armchair quarterbacking.
It's always easier to tell somebody else. Yeah yeah, So where can
where can people find all of yourself? Like, where's the best place for
them to watch the three music videos you were talking about? Now that all
three of them are out? Uh, where's the best place for them to
listen to your music? Your single comes out Friday? As I mentioned,
Yeah, I want you to plug all of your social media just like everything.
Yeah. Yeah, So those three music videos for Fool, Found,
My Piece, and Happy Place, those are all on YouTube. So on
my YouTube channel and just type in Chloe Star my follow me on Instagram and
TikTok. Those are my two most active platforms that I'm active like daily at
French Toast Killer and then all my music is on all streaming platforms Spotify,
Apple Music, like Amazon, you can you can listen stream there just you
know, Chloe Star waste typing, Chloe Star wasted you that bad boy will
pop right up. It's a really good song. It has been in my
head since I listened to it this morning. Oh yeah, so thank you,
thank you for even listening, like, oh my god. Of course,
of course, no, I was excited, but I was. I
did go into it a little scared. I was like, what if I
don't like it? I haven't listened to new music and thirty and then I
was like, this is great. Is this what new music sounds like?
Oh my god music? Oh my god. I'm always like Johnny Mitchell like
that's like my vie. Oh my goodness. Yeah, big fat, big
fad. But no, I loved it, and y'all, if you want
to find me, I'm at Lauren Flans on Twitter and Blue Sky and Lauren
Underscore Flanns on Instagram. Uh, I'm not personally on TikTok. But my
dog Piero is he's a I think it's hello. It's Piero. Yep,
all one word hello, it's Piero. Watch his videos and and the podcast
at Coming Out Pod everywhere the hashtag hashtag coming out Pod. Y'all. Shout
out to my fantastic patrons. I love you so much and I'm so grateful
too. Carmela Simone, Cayenne, Michelle l Adri, Tanya Pooh, Tiya,
Kierra Smiley, Aaron Mitchell, Diego, Hernandez and beyond Clexa dot com.
And Hey, if you want to help the podcast, a great way
to do that is to go on iTunes or Spotify and give it a five
star rating. Those five stars are helpful. On iTunes, you can even
write a little review. What No, I'm serious. I think that's it.
I think that's all the stuff I say. Chloe, this was so
fun. It's so great to talk to you. I'm so excited for you,
and just like I was just excited to follow you and just keep up
with your music and what you do next. Oh, thank you so much
for having me. I felt like we just went down memory lane and like
this was so much fun. And also thanks for holding the space. Well
I got like hell of vulnerable and like talked about some experiences. Thank you
so much for doing That's that's a big part where I have this podcast is
so people are able to do that and others can hear and connect. I
love it. And yeah, and your experience is so specific. It's like
no one's talked about that on this podcast before. I haven't had anyone who's
had any experience approaching that. So it's so valuable and I'm really grateful to
you. Oh yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank
you. Yeah. All right, you also go check out all of Chloe's
music and I will see you next week. Bye bye, guys,