WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.160 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KF I am six forty the 2 00:00:04.200 --> 00:00:09.320 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Heyfi a F six 3 00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:12.480 forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 4 00:00:12.519 --> 00:00:15.720 Walls Show. Just a reminder. I'm here every Sunday from seven to nine 5 00:00:16.199 --> 00:00:19.640 and around this time I like to either take your calls or go to social 6 00:00:19.679 --> 00:00:24.519 media. A reminder. I am not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, 7 00:00:24.559 --> 00:00:27.719 but I have been obsessed with the science of love for three decades. 8 00:00:28.079 --> 00:00:31.839 I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation on attachment theory, and 9 00:00:31.920 --> 00:00:38.479 I am happy to weigh in on your love life. Okay, so let's 10 00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:44.600 go to social this week. Dear doctor Wendy writes this listener. I sent 11 00:00:44.719 --> 00:00:50.679 a breakup text to my long distance boyfriend and he didn't reply. Does this 12 00:00:50.960 --> 00:00:56.280 mean he doesn't care? Okay? This could mean a million things, but 13 00:00:56.399 --> 00:01:00.000 what he feels is not so important right now, because you've made the decision 14 00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:03.799 that this long distance relationship is not right for you. So my suspicion is 15 00:01:04.280 --> 00:01:07.040 that he might have had the same kind of feelings, and he either feels 16 00:01:07.359 --> 00:01:14.920 relieved that you did it and somebody said it right, or he feels embarrassed 17 00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:19.920 and ashamed and hurt. He doesn't want to talk about it. It may 18 00:01:19.959 --> 00:01:25.519 not mean that he doesn't care. We don't know. We can't imagine what 19 00:01:25.640 --> 00:01:29.280 somebody's feeling unless they tell us. I know it's weird to be left hanging 20 00:01:29.319 --> 00:01:34.480 because you've shared this information, but sometimes you just gotta let it go because 21 00:01:34.519 --> 00:01:38.200 you let him know, and there he is gone, just what you asked 22 00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:44.680 for. He's doing what you asked for. He's not there anymore. All 23 00:01:44.760 --> 00:01:48.439 right? Moving on, Hey, doctor Wendy. I dated this guy for 24 00:01:48.599 --> 00:01:55.400 five months, but we recently ended things and his ex wife just showed up 25 00:01:55.439 --> 00:02:00.799 on my quote people you may know on Facebook? Does this mean she's been 26 00:02:00.840 --> 00:02:05.079 looking me up? Look? I am not a Facebook I don't work for 27 00:02:05.200 --> 00:02:07.680 meta, but I will say this. This kind of stuff happens to me 28 00:02:07.800 --> 00:02:14.439 all the time. And it is probably because they see friends in common. 29 00:02:14.560 --> 00:02:16.759 You were friends with him and then he was friends with her, et cetera, 30 00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:22.240 so they're just the algorithm. Does that? It doesn't mean that she's 31 00:02:22.280 --> 00:02:25.639 cyber stalking you and looking you up. It usually means that they just see 32 00:02:25.680 --> 00:02:30.800 the connections. Facebook is usually pretty good. They can tell when people have 33 00:02:30.919 --> 00:02:34.840 broken up, and they try to keep people separate after the breakup, and 34 00:02:34.879 --> 00:02:38.319 you don't see their posts as much, but you know the ex wife probably 35 00:02:38.439 --> 00:02:42.639 just because your friend's in common, that's all they did. Doesn't mean anything 36 00:02:44.199 --> 00:02:46.240 unless you want to be friends with her and you want to like friend request 37 00:02:46.280 --> 00:02:53.520 her. But yeah, okay, moving along, Dear doctor Wendy, I 38 00:02:53.639 --> 00:02:59.199 love my fine neighbor, A fine neighbor that's nice. He's tall, he's 39 00:02:59.240 --> 00:03:04.719 handsome, he drives a Lexus, and so far up heres to be single, 40 00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:08.280 but I'll make sure he is first. We only see each other in 41 00:03:08.360 --> 00:03:13.520 passing, and I'm ready to make a move. What can I do? 42 00:03:14.560 --> 00:03:20.400 Okay, before you get to romantic involved with a stranger that you know from 43 00:03:20.759 --> 00:03:23.400 across the hall, or across the street or across the fence, I want 44 00:03:23.439 --> 00:03:28.360 you to think. Everyone loves the beginning of relationships, but they don't know 45 00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:31.400 about the end. So here's some questions for you. Do you own your 46 00:03:31.400 --> 00:03:36.479 real estate? Does he own his? What's going to happen after you embarrass 47 00:03:36.479 --> 00:03:38.240 yourself? What's going to happen after you break up. I'm not saying that 48 00:03:38.280 --> 00:03:43.639 will happen, but it could. So you need to think about the consequences, 49 00:03:43.960 --> 00:03:47.639 because you know what they say, good fences make good neighbors, boundaries. 50 00:03:47.879 --> 00:03:53.479 Having good boundaries makes for good neighbors, because it can feel really awkward 51 00:03:53.960 --> 00:03:57.960 if you know, you get together and it's not all that, and then 52 00:03:58.319 --> 00:04:01.680 somebody wants to see somebody and the other one doesn't. And so that's the 53 00:04:01.680 --> 00:04:06.080 first thing I would say that before you even think about anything romantic with his 54 00:04:06.120 --> 00:04:11.759 neighbor, why don't you start out with friendship. Just talk about commonality things 55 00:04:11.800 --> 00:04:15.599 in the neighborhood. Say hello. See if he responds. If you're not 56 00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:18.519 getting anything back, then don't go further. Don't think of it as making 57 00:04:18.720 --> 00:04:25.560 a move. Think of it as saying hello to a neighbor and just making 58 00:04:25.600 --> 00:04:30.000 an acquaintance. Start with acquaintance. Start there, and then maybe in a 59 00:04:30.079 --> 00:04:38.160 friend and then from there you'll get information about whether he's interested romantically. Okay, 60 00:04:38.439 --> 00:04:42.560 I scrowling along here. Oh here's a good one, Dear doctor, 61 00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:47.319 Wendy. I broke off a relationship of four years yesterday. Oh I'm sorry. 62 00:04:47.639 --> 00:04:53.000 This is a guy writing to me. Her brother disrespected me. Very 63 00:04:53.000 --> 00:04:58.000 badly in front of her and through text message, and she didn't say a 64 00:04:58.040 --> 00:05:03.160 word. She did not defend me, nor did anything to give me my 65 00:05:03.319 --> 00:05:10.959 peace. What are your thoughts? Well, My suspicion is if you broke 66 00:05:11.040 --> 00:05:14.800 up with her, that this has been brewing for a long time, because 67 00:05:14.800 --> 00:05:17.240 you're probably not going to do this. I'm sure you've known the brother maybe 68 00:05:17.240 --> 00:05:23.839 some of the four years. You are probably not going to totally throw in 69 00:05:23.879 --> 00:05:28.639 the towel and throw in four years of devotion to somebody because of one comment 70 00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:33.319 or one thing the idiot brother made right and her not defending you. I 71 00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:38.319 think this was brewing for a long time and you took this as the final 72 00:05:38.439 --> 00:05:44.000 straw. Now, if I am wrong and you flew off the handle because 73 00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:48.079 she did not protect you, rather than breaking up with her, I would 74 00:05:48.120 --> 00:05:53.800 start with, Hey, it really hurt me when your brother said those things 75 00:05:53.800 --> 00:05:58.720 to me and you weren't able to defend me. Can we talk about this 76 00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:04.040 not a unified front? Or you might say something like it must have been 77 00:06:04.040 --> 00:06:08.279 really hard for you because I know you love your brother and you also love 78 00:06:08.360 --> 00:06:13.639 me. You were stuck in the middle there, but I felt really unprotected 79 00:06:13.680 --> 00:06:16.360 by you. What can we do in the future if this ever happens, 80 00:06:17.120 --> 00:06:20.319 or let's go forward to what the two of us should say to your brother. 81 00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:26.040 Right, that's called sorting through conflict. But if you flew off the 82 00:06:26.079 --> 00:06:30.240 handle and just threw away four years of a relationship because of this, I 83 00:06:30.279 --> 00:06:33.199 think it was brewing. I think it was the final straw. And there's 84 00:06:33.240 --> 00:06:36.600 a lot more going on here that I do not know about. Okay, 85 00:06:36.680 --> 00:06:40.639 right, well, do we have time for one more? I think we 86 00:06:40.720 --> 00:06:46.199 do. Okay, Dear doctor Wendy. If a man doesn't reply, is 87 00:06:46.240 --> 00:06:50.680 it okay to remove him off social media? I want to block him to 88 00:06:50.800 --> 00:06:56.240 prove a point, prove a point, Okay. I don't like people that 89 00:06:56.319 --> 00:07:02.079 say it's the point of it to prove a point. If you don't like 90 00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:09.279 to be reminded that he did not reply to you, then you should remove 91 00:07:09.319 --> 00:07:14.759 him off social media. But not if your goal is to prove a point, 92 00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:17.920 to hurt him in some way. Okay, I'll show you. If 93 00:07:17.959 --> 00:07:23.600 you're not replying to me, I'm going to despair and you'll never see me 94 00:07:23.680 --> 00:07:29.319 again. No, what's really happening is every time you see a post of 95 00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:35.800 his, you're having a little tiny piece of loss, a little bit of 96 00:07:35.839 --> 00:07:43.319 abandonment. You're being reminded of that hurt that you reached out for connection with 97 00:07:43.439 --> 00:07:50.560 somebody and you were rejected with silence. So every time social media shows you 98 00:07:50.600 --> 00:07:57.399 his post, you're reminded of that feeling of loss that's maybe mixed with a 99 00:07:57.399 --> 00:08:03.600 little feeling of embarrassment or shame. And those are the reasons why I highly 100 00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:09.639 suggest you should remove him from social media. You do not need to be 101 00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:13.920 reminded of that. You know, I want to share with you. At 102 00:08:13.959 --> 00:08:18.839 the very beginning of social media, I'm a big believer freedom of speech. 103 00:08:18.199 --> 00:08:22.959 I do not like people being silenced. But it wasn't too many years into 104 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:26.560 it that I learned that there are a lot of people who have mental health 105 00:08:26.600 --> 00:08:31.919 problems, who are completely unfiltered, who are just bullies and imploye. And 106 00:08:33.559 --> 00:08:37.240 I thought to myself, you know, it's my Facebook page. I can 107 00:08:37.360 --> 00:08:43.000 get rid of them. I can block them anytime I want, and I 108 00:08:43.120 --> 00:08:48.080 now do that quite regularly. Learn to use that block button, right, 109 00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:52.960 and then they're just gone and you can be in your own wonderful little world 110 00:08:52.600 --> 00:08:58.000 and reach out to somebody else. This guy doesn't deserve you anyway, all 111 00:08:58.120 --> 00:09:03.759 right, I have time for one morrowle I know the clock is going Uh 112 00:09:03.840 --> 00:09:07.360 oh, okay, how about I'll read it and then I'll answer it when 113 00:09:07.399 --> 00:09:13.080 we come back. Uh. Dear Doctor Wendy, my ex owes me eight 114 00:09:13.159 --> 00:09:16.879 thousand dollars. WHOA, that's a lot. I don't know what you did 115 00:09:16.919 --> 00:09:20.720 to get the eight thousand dollars. Give him eight thousand dollars, but wow, 116 00:09:20.759 --> 00:09:24.960 that's a lot. And I see him on vacation with a woman who 117 00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:28.639 I have mutual friends with. Where do you see him? You mean on 118 00:09:28.679 --> 00:09:33.559 social media? Maybe social media? He's a horrible person and I want to 119 00:09:33.600 --> 00:09:37.559 warn her. What's the best way to go about it? Oooh? I 120 00:09:37.720 --> 00:09:43.440 love this one when the girlfriend a girlfriend Gorilla Network reaches out to the new 121 00:09:43.480 --> 00:09:48.200 girlfriend to say, hey, you know what the X says about him? 122 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:54.039 Wow? All right, I do have some very strong thoughts on this question. 123 00:09:54.919 --> 00:09:56.399 And I want to tell you about a phone call that I made, 124 00:09:56.799 --> 00:10:03.600 Uh huh, I made to a dude's wife when I found out that he 125 00:10:03.799 --> 00:10:07.440 was married. When we come back, you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls 126 00:10:07.440 --> 00:10:11.200 Show on KFI AM six forty, but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 127 00:10:11.360 --> 00:10:18.759 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. I 128 00:10:18.799 --> 00:10:22.720 am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 129 00:10:22.799 --> 00:10:26.639 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I am going to the social media I'm answering your 130 00:10:26.759 --> 00:10:31.159 DMS, your relationship questions. If you'd like to send me one, just 131 00:10:31.159 --> 00:10:35.279 go. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh and you can send us Instagram, 132 00:10:35.320 --> 00:10:39.279 YouTube, TikTok, everywhere we're looking. Facebook, and just a reminder, 133 00:10:39.639 --> 00:10:43.720 I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I'm obsessed with 134 00:10:43.759 --> 00:10:48.440 the science of love and I've written three books on relationships. Okay, so 135 00:10:48.559 --> 00:10:52.879 this person, this listener, said that their ex owes them eight thousand dollars. 136 00:10:54.320 --> 00:10:58.320 She sees them on vacation with a woman I assume on social media who 137 00:10:58.399 --> 00:11:01.240 I have mutual friends with. He's a horrible person. I want to warn 138 00:11:01.320 --> 00:11:05.120 her. What's the best way to go about it? Now, this is 139 00:11:05.159 --> 00:11:09.200 a different situation than a situation that happened to me when I was a young, 140 00:11:09.440 --> 00:11:13.240 naive, dumb girl in my twenties, well before the Internet, before 141 00:11:13.240 --> 00:11:16.519 we could do that research that we needed to do. I was seeing a 142 00:11:16.559 --> 00:11:20.720 guy for a number of months who lived out of town, but we had 143 00:11:20.759 --> 00:11:24.519 great times when he was in town. And then I found out that in 144 00:11:24.559 --> 00:11:30.399 the other town he had a wife. It incensed me, so I called 145 00:11:30.440 --> 00:11:33.440 the wife. Now this is different, and I just told her, Hey, 146 00:11:33.519 --> 00:11:35.120 by the way, I've been dating your husband. I'm breaking up with 147 00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:37.919 him now. But I want you to know that this is going on and 148 00:11:37.960 --> 00:11:43.919 you should know about this about him. I feel that that's my story and 149 00:11:43.120 --> 00:11:48.200 I was able to share it because I was in it. Now, if 150 00:11:48.240 --> 00:11:54.039 you care about this other woman and really want to warn her to protect her, 151 00:11:54.639 --> 00:11:56.159 or do you want to warn her to hurt him? Ha ha, 152 00:11:58.080 --> 00:12:01.279 See there's a difference here. What at your motivation? Do you want to 153 00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:07.399 protect this woman or do you want to hurt him? When I called the 154 00:12:07.440 --> 00:12:09.559 wife, it was to hurt him. Just saying not the right idea, 155 00:12:09.919 --> 00:12:13.519 Probably not the right thing to do. However, if you do want to 156 00:12:13.559 --> 00:12:18.480 warn her, if you go about it directly, contacting her, text, 157 00:12:18.519 --> 00:12:24.519 email, phone, whatever, it's not going to work because the two of 158 00:12:24.559 --> 00:12:28.720 them will collude against you because he's going to tell her, oh, I 159 00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:33.000 have this crazy X right, and you're going to be perceived as the crazy 160 00:12:33.360 --> 00:12:37.759 X. But you said something in your DM that I found really interesting. 161 00:12:39.519 --> 00:12:43.639 You said, I see him on vacation with a woman who I have mutual 162 00:12:43.919 --> 00:12:52.000 friends with. Da da da da. So this woman has friends, and 163 00:12:52.200 --> 00:12:58.200 her friends are your friends. So the person who needs to deliver the information 164 00:12:58.320 --> 00:13:03.120 are your friends. Because she'll trust her own friend, she's not going to 165 00:13:03.200 --> 00:13:07.320 trust you. This, in fact, happened with a friend of mine. 166 00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:11.360 She told me the story that this woman came who was a friend of hers 167 00:13:11.399 --> 00:13:16.240 and told her about this great guy she was seeing. And she knew that 168 00:13:16.279 --> 00:13:20.159 this guy had practiced financial abuse and stolen money from another woman. But because 169 00:13:20.159 --> 00:13:24.080 she was close enough, she could just say like, hey, be careful. 170 00:13:24.720 --> 00:13:26.279 You know I heard it wasn't didn't go great with the other person, 171 00:13:26.519 --> 00:13:33.600 whatever, whatever. So use those mutuals if your desire is to protect her, 172 00:13:33.039 --> 00:13:35.639 if it's to hurt him, and it's probably not a good place to 173 00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:39.639 put your energy, all right, Dear doctor Wendy says this listener. Do 174 00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:46.200 you think a man could commit shortly after divorce? A big answer depends you. 175 00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:50.240 See, there are some guys who are couple guys. They have to 176 00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:52.200 be in a couple. They don't know who they are if they're single, 177 00:13:52.240 --> 00:13:54.480 they never take time to even learn who they are. Single, they go 178 00:13:54.519 --> 00:13:58.639 from one to another to another. If it's that guy, Yeah, they 179 00:13:58.679 --> 00:14:03.200 can commit shortly after divorce, but they're probably going to divorce again, only 180 00:14:03.240 --> 00:14:07.200 this time it'll be with you. Because here's the thing. Divorce doesn't teach 181 00:14:07.240 --> 00:14:13.440 you how to be a better mate. Divorce doesn't teach you how to choose 182 00:14:13.440 --> 00:14:16.120 a better mate. You know what. Divorce teaches you that you can survive 183 00:14:16.200 --> 00:14:20.879 divorce. So they move quickly into another one. Right, So do I 184 00:14:20.879 --> 00:14:24.039 think a man can commit shortly after divorce? A man, a woman, 185 00:14:24.200 --> 00:14:28.240 anybody can commit shortly after divorce. Is it the right thing to do? 186 00:14:30.080 --> 00:14:35.279 Probably not. It's better to take some time growing your own independent person, 187 00:14:35.639 --> 00:14:39.799 your own identity, figuring out who you are, you want, and then 188 00:14:39.840 --> 00:14:43.320 making a better choice. Okay, moving on, moving on, us scrolling 189 00:14:43.360 --> 00:14:46.440 along. Let's see. Let's see. Oh, okay, So when I'm 190 00:14:46.480 --> 00:14:50.120 on the phone with my girlfriend, says this listener, I can hear sound. 191 00:14:50.200 --> 00:14:54.200 That means she's got a message coming in and she's typing. I find 192 00:14:54.200 --> 00:14:56.120 it rude. How do I ask her not to text when she's on the 193 00:14:56.120 --> 00:15:00.480 phone with me? It was a very simple answer. You just say, 194 00:15:01.279 --> 00:15:05.320 don't text when you're on the phone with me. It bothers me. I 195 00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:09.120 don't like it when you text when you're on the phone with me. It 196 00:15:09.200 --> 00:15:13.080 feels like you're not paying attention to me when you're texting and I'm on the 197 00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:16.279 phone with you. That's all you say. You set up a rule. 198 00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:24.080 When we come back, I want to turn to a very serious subject that 199 00:15:24.320 --> 00:15:31.320 is the subject of intimate partner violence. And in light of the video that 200 00:15:31.360 --> 00:15:37.399 we saw released this week with Piditti, it is a topical topic. You 201 00:15:37.480 --> 00:15:43.080 probably know that I am a survivor of domestic violence. But the expert who 202 00:15:43.080 --> 00:15:48.480 we're going to talk to after this works for an organization that is in the 203 00:15:48.480 --> 00:15:52.759 business of prevention. We know there are lots of great organizations out there, 204 00:15:52.799 --> 00:15:56.720 like the National Domestic Violence Hotline working in treatment and connecting women who have been 205 00:15:56.759 --> 00:16:03.679 abused and men with resources. But how about making sure it never happens. 206 00:16:03.799 --> 00:16:08.320 Let's talk when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wall Show 207 00:16:08.360 --> 00:16:14.759 on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're 208 00:16:14.799 --> 00:16:21.279 listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty Welcome back to 209 00:16:21.320 --> 00:16:26.519 the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio 210 00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:30.240 app. Well, if you've been listening to me for enough years, or 211 00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:36.480 reading my books or following my videos on social media, it will not be 212 00:16:36.559 --> 00:16:41.279 a surprise for you to hear that Besides having a PhD in clinical psychology and 213 00:16:41.320 --> 00:16:49.200 writing books about relationships, I am also a survivor of domestic violence, and 214 00:16:51.399 --> 00:16:55.480 at the time this goes back a long time, I had so much shame 215 00:16:56.200 --> 00:17:00.679 about reaching out for help. I also didn't know where to ago, and 216 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:04.799 it was a difficult, difficult time for me. I experienced emotional abuse, 217 00:17:04.839 --> 00:17:11.519 financial abuse, and yes, physical abuse, and so I have worked hard 218 00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:15.240 to overcome my shame, and in fact, one of the reasons why I 219 00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:18.839 wrote so many books on relationships is to try to put an intellectual eye on 220 00:17:19.000 --> 00:17:23.039 love so that nobody would make the same mistakes that I did, and also 221 00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:29.000 to not blame myself because it can happen to anybody. You know. There 222 00:17:29.000 --> 00:17:33.079 are great organizations that help women, but there are also organizations that are working 223 00:17:33.240 --> 00:17:41.319 very hard to prevent domestic violence. And one of those organizations is called About 224 00:17:41.920 --> 00:17:47.799 Futures, and I actually have the director of Health for About Futures with me, 225 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:52.799 Virginia Duplessis. Did I say your name right, Virginia Duplessis? That 226 00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:59.279 sounds very Francis. You have a master's in social work and you have spent 227 00:17:59.359 --> 00:18:04.960 more than twenty years working to prevent violence, domestic violence, sexual assault in 228 00:18:06.039 --> 00:18:11.119 all the public health fields. Can you bring my listeners up to speed on 229 00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:18.079 where we've come and the prevalence of domestic violence in our culture. So first, 230 00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:19.680 I just want to say thank you so much for having me today. 231 00:18:21.279 --> 00:18:26.519 This is a passion of mine really thinking about how these kinds of experiences of 232 00:18:26.599 --> 00:18:30.920 violence don't have to be part of the human condition. So I work for 233 00:18:30.920 --> 00:18:38.799 an organization called Futures Without Violence, and it really was born out of seeing 234 00:18:40.039 --> 00:18:45.119 how common this type of abuse is. You know, we know that about 235 00:18:45.160 --> 00:18:51.960 one in four women have this experience in their life, and for all genders 236 00:18:52.039 --> 00:18:56.960 it's been sick. So we're thinking about men, women, gender non conforming 237 00:18:56.000 --> 00:19:03.559 people and it's daunting, right, And we also know that this is an 238 00:19:03.599 --> 00:19:10.680 experience that crosses all cultural lines. It doesn't matter if you're rich or you're 239 00:19:10.759 --> 00:19:17.839 poor, where you come from where you're going, the race are alarmingly highly. 240 00:19:18.039 --> 00:19:23.000 I remember one time interviewing an attorney who worked in this area of domestic 241 00:19:23.079 --> 00:19:29.000 violence, and she said to me that although the reports tend to be higher 242 00:19:29.359 --> 00:19:36.200 of people in a lower income status, lower socioeconomic status, the truth is 243 00:19:36.279 --> 00:19:40.519 it crosses all lines equally. It's just that in the upper classes, the 244 00:19:40.519 --> 00:19:44.880 middle classes and the upper classes, the walls are thicker, the houses are 245 00:19:44.920 --> 00:19:52.119 further away, less police reports happen. And also there's so much shame, 246 00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:57.960 and people want to hold on to their financial assets and keep their kids in 247 00:19:57.960 --> 00:20:04.960 good schools, and so they often suffered greatly in silence. Yes, and 248 00:20:06.720 --> 00:20:11.440 I do think, you know, we consider domestic violence a very adult problem, 249 00:20:11.480 --> 00:20:14.519 and think about you know, couples who are married and have kids, 250 00:20:15.039 --> 00:20:21.240 and the people most at risk of experiencing this type of abuse are actually younger. 251 00:20:21.519 --> 00:20:26.720 The ages of eighteen to twenty four is when we see the highest prevalence 252 00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:30.119 of violence. At that point, it's often dating violence, not a married 253 00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:36.160 relationship. Yet, so we have this incredible opportunity to make sure that our 254 00:20:36.240 --> 00:20:42.960 younger adults are equipped with the skills to really identify a healthy relationship versus an 255 00:20:44.039 --> 00:20:48.880 unhealthy relationship and are encouraged to seek help because you know, as you shared 256 00:20:48.920 --> 00:20:55.240 in your story, so many people really suffer in silence because of that shame, 257 00:20:55.960 --> 00:21:00.400 embarrassment, worry that people aren't going to believe them. And so, 258 00:21:00.799 --> 00:21:04.759 you know, at futures about violence, a couple of really important things that 259 00:21:04.799 --> 00:21:10.920 we talk about is you know, not blaming the victim, knowing that you're 260 00:21:10.920 --> 00:21:15.640 not alone, it's not your fault, and there's help available. But it's 261 00:21:15.680 --> 00:21:19.759 hard, Virginia. It's so hard because you do think like it was somehow 262 00:21:19.839 --> 00:21:25.079 my bad choice, It was somehow why didn't I see this coming? Like 263 00:21:25.119 --> 00:21:29.880 we like to think as women that were smart, and we shouldn't lose sight 264 00:21:29.880 --> 00:21:34.559 of the fact that there are very complicated feelings around domestic violence because often the 265 00:21:34.599 --> 00:21:41.480 perpetrator is someone we deeply love, someone we deeply care about, and that 266 00:21:41.599 --> 00:21:45.720 gets confusing. So when I talk with you know, I got into the 267 00:21:45.720 --> 00:21:53.119 community and do trainings, and I remind people that usually when we think about 268 00:21:53.160 --> 00:22:00.960 those very dramatic, you know, physical altercations, it doesn't usually start with 269 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:07.920 that, right, And so there's so many other forms of abuse that precede 270 00:22:07.960 --> 00:22:10.160 that, you know, and you mentioned some of them. In terms of 271 00:22:10.359 --> 00:22:15.920 financial abuse, you know, maybe a partner is isolating someone so they don't 272 00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:21.000 have friends and family that they can talk to about what's going on. Sexual 273 00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:26.400 abuse is an area that, unfortunately, you know, for a very high 274 00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:33.319 percentage of sexual assault victims, it actually happened within a dating or married relationship. 275 00:22:33.480 --> 00:22:38.319 You know. I think that we have this narrative about you know, 276 00:22:38.440 --> 00:22:45.559 rapes and sexual assaults happening by strangers or by acquaintances, but about forty percent 277 00:22:45.680 --> 00:22:49.640 actually happen with someone that you're in a relationship with, and that really messes 278 00:22:49.680 --> 00:22:52.839 with your head. You know, the person that supposed still love and protect 279 00:22:52.880 --> 00:22:56.519 you, who's hurting you in that way. You know, you mentioned isolation. 280 00:22:57.279 --> 00:23:03.000 I remember my partner always my friends, and he just treated them badly, 281 00:23:03.119 --> 00:23:06.680 and he didn't actually isolate me. They eventually left. They were like, 282 00:23:06.720 --> 00:23:07.960 why hang out? It's not fun to hang out with you guys. 283 00:23:08.480 --> 00:23:15.160 And so that's sort of part of the slow control that takes place. You 284 00:23:15.200 --> 00:23:18.839 know. An example would be I used to find my peace and freedom by 285 00:23:18.920 --> 00:23:21.920 running out to a local Starbucks and I would sit there and make my phone 286 00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:23.480 calls and do my stuff. And so what did he buy? Me a 287 00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:30.200 very expensive cappuccino machine. Right, That's how the control works. To keep 288 00:23:30.200 --> 00:23:33.119 her in the house, keep her nearby. Look, when we come back, 289 00:23:33.160 --> 00:23:34.960 we have to go to break when we come back. I mentioned that 290 00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:41.440 there are many organizations out there doing interventions and treatment, but Futures Without Violence 291 00:23:41.680 --> 00:23:48.319 specifically works on prevention. Let's talk about prevention, especially with our teenage daughters. 292 00:23:48.599 --> 00:23:51.519 When we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show 293 00:23:51.519 --> 00:23:56.200 on KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're 294 00:23:56.240 --> 00:24:02.279 listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from CHAO six forty. Welcome back to 295 00:24:02.279 --> 00:24:04.960 the Doctor Wendywell Show on k I AM six forty. My guest is the 296 00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:11.160 Associate director of Health, Virginia Duplessis, from an organization called Futures Without Violence. 297 00:24:11.200 --> 00:24:17.000 I use the wrong name before Futures Without Violence, Virginia. You guys 298 00:24:17.039 --> 00:24:19.599 focus on prevention of domestic violence. One of the things you said to me 299 00:24:19.599 --> 00:24:23.279 a few minutes ago that was so disturbing is that the most common age that 300 00:24:23.319 --> 00:24:29.279 you're seeing domestic violence begin is between the ages of eighteen and twenty four. 301 00:24:29.799 --> 00:24:37.519 We're talking about people without a fully developed prefrontal cortex, hormonally charged dating relationships. 302 00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:41.359 How do you talk to young men and women about healthy dating when they're 303 00:24:41.400 --> 00:24:48.160 teenagers? So I am so glad that you said men and women, because 304 00:24:48.319 --> 00:24:53.559 so much of prevention is okay, what are the warning signs when I'm in 305 00:24:53.599 --> 00:24:57.640 a relationship? Is someone hurting me? Of course we need to talk about 306 00:24:57.680 --> 00:25:03.599 prevention from that five so you don't become a victim, But we need to 307 00:25:03.680 --> 00:25:11.359 talk about preventing people becoming abusers. Right, So, really talking with young 308 00:25:11.440 --> 00:25:18.160 people, there's a couple of core things that I always mentioned, So healthy 309 00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:26.039 rejection. So many problems stem from not not to get to in the weeds, 310 00:25:26.480 --> 00:25:32.640 but being able to emotionally regulate when someone is telling you something that you 311 00:25:33.640 --> 00:25:36.880 that's not your preference, that you don't like, right, And so how 312 00:25:36.920 --> 00:25:42.799 can you still save faith, feel confident and secure when someone is telling you 313 00:25:42.920 --> 00:25:49.400 no? That is a major thing. And then really taking a look at 314 00:25:49.519 --> 00:25:57.240 how can we give young people examples of healthy and safe relationships, concrete tips 315 00:25:57.279 --> 00:26:03.880 on behavior communication? Right. So it's one thing to tell a young person 316 00:26:04.279 --> 00:26:07.240 you have to treat your partner with respect, but what does that mean? 317 00:26:07.640 --> 00:26:15.319 It means letting them wear what they want to wear, not monitoring their social 318 00:26:15.359 --> 00:26:22.160 media, demanding passwords, you know, being able to have relations conversations about 319 00:26:22.200 --> 00:26:29.319 these kinds of decisions that are being made. And again, as you mentioned, 320 00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:33.599 you know that that brain is not fully developed, that adolescent time is 321 00:26:33.640 --> 00:26:38.799 one of so much growth and learning. We have a really specific and important 322 00:26:38.839 --> 00:26:45.960 opportunity to have an impact on people's behavior, belief and values. What do 323 00:26:45.960 --> 00:26:52.960 you think parents should be saying to their teenage sons specifically, Yeah, so 324 00:26:53.000 --> 00:26:57.640 I think you know, as a society, in the past probably ten years, 325 00:26:57.680 --> 00:27:03.599 there's been a lot more versation about consent, specifically sexual consent. Absolutely, 326 00:27:03.759 --> 00:27:08.119 we need to have those conversations about yes means yes, you know, 327 00:27:08.480 --> 00:27:14.880 the ability to revoke consent, all of those great things, and we need 328 00:27:14.880 --> 00:27:19.559 to apply that in other areas of relationships as well, because again, usually 329 00:27:22.640 --> 00:27:27.519 the first time that there are unhealthy dynamics is not when it comes to sex, 330 00:27:27.680 --> 00:27:32.079 right, it's actually about, Hey, I want to go spend time 331 00:27:32.119 --> 00:27:34.440 with my friends instead of being with you tonight. Hey, you know, 332 00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:41.839 I have this other commitment that I need to make and not necessarily spend all 333 00:27:41.839 --> 00:27:47.759 my time with you. So really, those kind of concrete situations. You 334 00:27:47.799 --> 00:27:52.880 know, we have examples of different role plays, conversation starters so that parents 335 00:27:52.319 --> 00:28:00.839 can feel confident in having these conversations and also knowing with that one in four 336 00:28:00.920 --> 00:28:07.640 women experiencing violence, there's a ton of mom this is part of their story 337 00:28:07.720 --> 00:28:11.799 too, So how do we know support those victims and survivors and their own 338 00:28:11.880 --> 00:28:17.720 healing as they are also raising kids, right, Because it's kind of hard 339 00:28:17.759 --> 00:28:22.119 to talk about this if you have your own stuff going on, so we 340 00:28:22.200 --> 00:28:26.880 need to make sure that that's also it's kind of attended to. And I'm 341 00:28:26.920 --> 00:28:32.799 sure that you are well aware that so much of it is related to attachment 342 00:28:33.000 --> 00:28:38.880 insecurity like this, fear of rejection or fear of abandonment begins very early in 343 00:28:38.920 --> 00:28:44.119 life. And I'm a big proponent of if you want your kids not to 344 00:28:44.240 --> 00:28:48.799 grow up to be either domestic violence offenders or victims, hold them close, 345 00:28:49.079 --> 00:28:56.000 especially in the first five years of life, and have a close, respectful 346 00:28:56.079 --> 00:29:00.079 bond with your children. I think that is paramount to it. And allowing 347 00:29:00.119 --> 00:29:04.240 them to have a voice and not overly controlling your kids. I mean giving 348 00:29:04.279 --> 00:29:11.160 them logical consequences, of course, but that's where they learn. Intimidation is 349 00:29:11.200 --> 00:29:15.160 often through their own parents. Mm hmmm. So at Futures, we have 350 00:29:15.319 --> 00:29:23.640 this great program specifically thinking about childhood called Promising Futures. And although it really 351 00:29:25.160 --> 00:29:33.480 was developed specifically for, you know, people who are healing from abusive relationships, 352 00:29:33.839 --> 00:29:38.559 I think it applies broadly and generally because it gives very specific tips on 353 00:29:38.720 --> 00:29:44.359 how what kinds of games and interactions we can have we can have with our 354 00:29:44.440 --> 00:29:48.599 kids in order to help them be healthy and thrive. And I think it's 355 00:29:49.079 --> 00:29:52.839 it's simple, and not going to say it's easy, but there are those 356 00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:57.359 simple steps that we can take in those interactions with our kids. And as 357 00:29:57.400 --> 00:30:00.480 you mentioned, you know you want to be there for your kids, spend 358 00:30:00.559 --> 00:30:07.200 quality time together. Think about the kinds of choice and voice that even our 359 00:30:07.200 --> 00:30:14.920 littles can have so that they have those building blocks of communication, boundaries and 360 00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:18.200 safety. You know, kids need to know that they have a home base. 361 00:30:18.680 --> 00:30:25.319 If that's a parent, if that's a preschool teacher. The number one 362 00:30:25.680 --> 00:30:33.559 real predictor of a safe and thriving child is a connection to an adult, 363 00:30:34.319 --> 00:30:38.200 right, so finding a way to stay connected. Now, we don't have 364 00:30:38.279 --> 00:30:42.400 much time left, but you mentioned that there are resources that people can find. 365 00:30:42.440 --> 00:30:47.279 Where can people go. You know, I want to encourage folks to 366 00:30:47.359 --> 00:30:52.079 visit our website Futures Without Violence dot org. And I work specifically very closely 367 00:30:52.119 --> 00:30:56.400 with healthcare providers, and I think it's a good time to mention that there 368 00:30:56.440 --> 00:31:02.200 are evidence based interventions, you know, for doctors and nurses and home visitors 369 00:31:02.359 --> 00:31:07.319 other folks in the healthcare system that they can implement in order to talk with 370 00:31:07.440 --> 00:31:11.480 patients and clients about relationships, safety, production, and where to get help. 371 00:31:11.640 --> 00:31:17.200 Part of your job is meeting with physicians and groups of physicians, teaching 372 00:31:17.279 --> 00:31:22.119 them to look for the early signs so they can intervene before violence happens. 373 00:31:22.160 --> 00:31:26.480 Is that correct. Some of it is looking for signs, but a lot 374 00:31:26.559 --> 00:31:30.279 of it is just it's called universal education, right talking to all of your 375 00:31:30.319 --> 00:31:37.319 patients about this, whether or not you see a sign, because experiencing domestic 376 00:31:37.359 --> 00:31:41.680 violence can have such an impact on your health, very profound. We see 377 00:31:41.759 --> 00:31:48.559 higher levels of cancers and cardiovascular and all of these things as a result of 378 00:31:48.640 --> 00:31:53.920 experiencing trauma, and so doctors and nurses need to talk to patients about that 379 00:31:55.160 --> 00:32:00.640 in order to help keep them as healthy as they can be. Exactly, 380 00:32:00.440 --> 00:32:05.680 you guys are doing wonderful work, and thank you so much for joining us 381 00:32:05.720 --> 00:32:07.960 to share it. So the website if people want to find it is Futures 382 00:32:08.400 --> 00:32:15.200 Without Violence dot org. My guest, Virginia Duplessis, is a social worker 383 00:32:15.400 --> 00:32:20.160 and the director of health there. Thank you so much, Virginia for joining 384 00:32:20.240 --> 00:32:24.240 me today. Thank you, Doctor Wendy, and that brings the Doctor Wendy 385 00:32:24.240 --> 00:32:28.599 Wall Show to a close. It's always my pleasure to be with you every 386 00:32:28.680 --> 00:32:31.720 Sunday from seven to nine pm. You can also follow me on my social 387 00:32:31.759 --> 00:32:37.680 media anywhere. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. You've been listening to 388 00:32:37.720 --> 00:32:43.319 the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 389 00:32:45.440 --> 00:32:47.160 You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live 390 00:32:47.200 --> 00:32:52.640 on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on 391 00:32:52.720 --> 00:32:53.799 demand on the iHeartRadio app.