1 00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:16,120 Made a decision. Oh thanks, it's sunny sune on I haddasion nat Hey 2 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:21,519 everybody, it's me Stephanie Wilder Tailor. You're getting an extra show in your 3 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:27,679 feed. Here's what it is. This is chapter one from my book Drunkish. 4 00:00:27,839 --> 00:00:30,600 I love you, guys. I'm trying to promote my book, but 5 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:34,960 also I thought it would be fun to just have it be like a separate 6 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:41,640 show. It's the full chapter one. It's thirty minutes of me reading you 7 00:00:41,679 --> 00:00:45,000 a story. I hope you guys enjoy it. Thank you for listening. 8 00:00:45,439 --> 00:00:53,439 Love you. Chapter one Motherhood the beginning of the end two thousand and four 9 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:58,560 BC, before conception. My first thought when the plus sign appeared on the 10 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:03,280 EPT was, oh shit. You would have thought I was a fifteen year 11 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:07,040 old sophomore in high school looking down the barrel at teen mom life, and 12 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:11,519 not a thirty six going on thirty seven year old adult woman. Truthfully, 13 00:01:11,959 --> 00:01:17,560 I was a massive mix of emotions giddy, happy, terrified, and secretly 14 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:21,879 relieved. Although we'd never one hundred percent committed to trying to have a baby 15 00:01:22,519 --> 00:01:26,319 and were just going to see if it happened naturally by pulling the goalie, 16 00:01:26,519 --> 00:01:30,840 I was worried it might take a herculean effort to get pregnant at my advanced 17 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,159 maternal age. I didn't know if I'd be up for fertility drugs, specialty 18 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:38,799 doctors, and everything the process might entail. So yeah, I was relieved, 19 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,599 but a little shock that it happened so fast. A big part of 20 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:47,920 my reluctance to go all in on trying to conceive was that I never quite 21 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,840 felt like a grown up myself. I'd been in the habit of drinking most 22 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,959 nights. In the one bedroom Santa Monica apartment I shared with my then boyfriend 23 00:01:56,519 --> 00:02:00,920 very recently turned husband John, we lived like twenty some things, even though 24 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:05,439 we were both in our late thirties, drinking cabernet and eating takeout at eleven 25 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,080 PM in front of the Sopranos or The Daily Show. It wasn't unusual for 26 00:02:09,199 --> 00:02:14,000 us to run out of wine and go grab another bottle from the grocery store, 27 00:02:14,039 --> 00:02:17,000 whose parking lot was conveniently connected to our back alley. We stayed up 28 00:02:17,039 --> 00:02:22,120 every night until one or two AM, yet somehow we could easily wake up 29 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,719 for our TV jobs the next morning if we drank enough coffee. On weekends, 30 00:02:25,719 --> 00:02:29,879 we went to parties or out to dinner with our friends who also had 31 00:02:29,879 --> 00:02:34,680 no kids. My husband was usually the designated driver, because even when I 32 00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:38,960 offered to stay sober, despite my best intentions, I'd be luggaged by the 33 00:02:38,039 --> 00:02:43,120 end of the night. I did worry about my drinking. Sometimes I got 34 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:47,039 brutal hangovers that didn't seem quite normal. I often blacked out and couldn't remember 35 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:52,000 anything that happened the night before. In high school, I got into two 36 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,159 car accidents where I'd been drinking, although I never got in trouble, and 37 00:02:55,240 --> 00:03:00,680 it's quite possible I hadn't even been drunk. In my estimation, I hadn't 38 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:06,599 suffered any real consequences of my drinking besides occasionally embarrassing myself. One night, 39 00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:08,800 I got so drunk that when we got home, I fell asleep mid blow 40 00:03:08,879 --> 00:03:13,599 job. John made a joke the next day that I'd taken a cock nap. 41 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,919 I was mortified, but had to admit it was sort of funny. 42 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:23,080 Luckily, Santa Monica is densely populated with restaurants and bars. We could easily 43 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,960 reach on foot as long as I didn't wear heels. Our favorite dive bar, 44 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,639 Shayja, was the place my husband first said I Love you, and 45 00:03:30,719 --> 00:03:34,479 where we often ended the night with a final beer or three. We saw 46 00:03:34,599 --> 00:03:38,360 movies, we went to concerts, and we ate at Noah's Bagels for breakfast. 47 00:03:38,479 --> 00:03:42,120 Every weekend, we could walk to our favorite sushi restaurant, where we 48 00:03:42,159 --> 00:03:46,960 would start out with a large house saki and a large supporo. We began 49 00:03:46,039 --> 00:03:51,280 a tradition where we would always pour each other's sake into our little glazed cups, 50 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:54,159 because it shows honor and reverence to the other person, and also it's 51 00:03:54,199 --> 00:03:59,319 fun. If one of us forgot, the other would just wait cup empty 52 00:03:59,479 --> 00:04:02,280 until the other one noticed, and then we'd have at least three more rounds, 53 00:04:02,479 --> 00:04:06,199 mostly instigated by me. Let's go for one more large saki, I'd 54 00:04:06,199 --> 00:04:11,639 say, already fairly drunk, and John would oblige. One time, we 55 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,279 got drunk enough to try blowfish, a Japanese delicacy they call fugu, which 56 00:04:15,319 --> 00:04:19,800 is poisonous and can kill you if it's not prepared properly. We fed each 57 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:24,839 other the mildly flavored fish on its little bed of sweet rice, and then 58 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,399 stared each other down while we waited to see if we'd live or die. 59 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,240 Life was good. I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, but because I 60 00:04:32,319 --> 00:04:36,480 was edging into my mid thirties, I felt obligated to give it major consideration. 61 00:04:38,199 --> 00:04:42,120 It seemed like the next logical step in life, and although John would 62 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:45,720 have been fine waiting another ten years, I knew I didn't have that kind 63 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:49,040 of leeway. I knew for sure I wanted to get married. I'd pushed 64 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:54,439 for it for years, bringing it up constantly. John was very slow moving 65 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:58,040 and methodical when it came to making decisions, which only sped me up. 66 00:04:58,519 --> 00:05:02,319 Marriage was the real goal. A proposal would mean I was chosen, wanted, 67 00:05:02,959 --> 00:05:08,720 But most importantly and selfishly, i'd feel secure, a feeling I'd wanted 68 00:05:08,759 --> 00:05:13,439 since childhood. I'd know someone loved me. Most of all, I knew 69 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,199 I loved John. He was a great guy, easy going and funny and 70 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:20,120 the smartest person I'd ever met. But it was also easy to love him 71 00:05:20,199 --> 00:05:25,000 because I wasn't one hundred percent convinced he loved me quite as much as I 72 00:05:25,079 --> 00:05:29,519 loved him. I had this nagging feeling that John would definitely survive if I 73 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:31,519 broke up with him, and that made me want to punch him, but 74 00:05:31,639 --> 00:05:38,480 also made the relationship less threatening. His security and self sufficiency made him desirable 75 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:42,839 even at my own expense. Babies, on the other hand, are needy. 76 00:05:43,399 --> 00:05:46,480 In my estimation, you have to be pretty selfless to be a parent. 77 00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:49,959 I didn't always view myself as a natural nurturer. I wasn't the friend 78 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:54,360 who thought to set up the meal train when your life went sideways. I 79 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:57,720 was the someone who's better at this stuff, will set it up and then 80 00:05:57,759 --> 00:06:00,279 they'll let me know how to help friend. But I grew up being told 81 00:06:00,279 --> 00:06:04,120 I was selfish and self centered, so I couldn't be sure if that was 82 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:08,639 actually who I was, or if that was just how I believed I was. 83 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:13,519 Maybe I could step up once I was engaged. The question of whether 84 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:16,680 I should try for a baby loomed even larger now that I was thirty six. 85 00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:20,879 My eggs were almost eligible for an AARP card, and I needed to 86 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:26,160 decide on a plan of action. I brought it up with my therapist Linda 87 00:06:26,399 --> 00:06:30,720 during a session. She sat in her comfy chair and I sat across from 88 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,000 her on a love seat adorned with two cross stitch decorative pillows, one of 89 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:39,240 which said hope and the other healing. I picked up the healing pillow and 90 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:42,759 clutched it on my lap. How do I know if I'm ready to have 91 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:46,959 a baby. I mean, I'm just not sure. Maybe something's wrong with 92 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,639 me. I feel like I should want it more. I trusted Linda, 93 00:06:49,879 --> 00:06:54,519 which was unusual for me, because I have a bad history with therapists. 94 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,680 The way some women always end up dating douchebags, I always end up with 95 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:01,439 bad therapists. One tried to set me up with a married doctor at the 96 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:05,879 hospital where she worked. One canceled a session because she got a potato chip 97 00:07:05,879 --> 00:07:10,480 in her eye, yet still build me, and one yelled at me because 98 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:14,560 I wasn't getting in touch with my anger. But Linda was different. She 99 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:18,959 was kind and empathetic, but also no nonsense when necessary. She once shocked 100 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:24,560 me by referring to my biological father as a motherfucker because she knew swearing was 101 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:28,879 my love language. She had short, no fuss, gray hair, but 102 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:34,639 counterbalanced it with expansive, multicolored Maxi skirts. The resulting look was theater major 103 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:40,279 who went back to school to learn to treat PTSD. The only thing that 104 00:07:40,399 --> 00:07:44,120 set my teeth on edge was that there was a framed poster on the wall 105 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:48,000 of her waiting room listing the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous. The rest of 106 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:53,600 this space was calming, with neutral colored walls, a painting of a windswept 107 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:57,959 sand dune, and a few hanging philodendrons. But that poster was like a 108 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,839 tiny bloodstain on an otherwise press steam white sheet. I often felt as if 109 00:08:01,839 --> 00:08:05,519 the poster was taunting me, daring me to look at my drinking, but 110 00:08:05,639 --> 00:08:09,920 I had no intention of doing that. I had bigger fish to fry. 111 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:15,560 I looked at Linda, ready for her trademark therapeutic advice. When it comes 112 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,600 to having a baby, most people don't decide, they just do. It 113 00:08:18,639 --> 00:08:22,399 was all she had for me. You'll be okay either way. Eventually, 114 00:08:24,279 --> 00:08:28,759 two months later I was married, newly pregnant, and moving to the suburbs. 115 00:08:28,319 --> 00:08:31,559 I had worried that it would be difficult to abandon our lifestyle at the 116 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,559 drop of a hat. In particular, I worried about quitting drinking while I 117 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,360 was pregnant, not because I had a problem, but because it was such 118 00:08:39,399 --> 00:08:43,879 a big part of my life. These days, the common wisdom is that 119 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:48,320 no amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy, at least according to some little 120 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:52,879 known authorities like oh, the CDC and the American College of Obstetrics. But 121 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:56,840 at that time people were a little looser, and my ob said I could 122 00:08:56,879 --> 00:09:00,679 have one or two drinks a week, which was good news to me and 123 00:09:00,759 --> 00:09:05,000 for anyone who's scandalized by that. Let's keep in mind that it wasn't until 124 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:09,279 nineteen eighty one that women were advised drinking while pregnant might not be a great 125 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:13,399 idea, and only thirty or forty years before that, Winston ran ads telling 126 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:18,200 women to smoke cigarettes because it would keep their baby slim and make for an 127 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:22,879 easier delivery. I imagine a happy obstetrician in the hospital, ciggy dangling from 128 00:09:22,919 --> 00:09:28,320 their mouth, letting out of victorious yes as they catch a tiny baby that 129 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,519 just slid out of its mother's birth canal with barely a push because she smoked 130 00:09:31,519 --> 00:09:37,759 two packs a day. Ironically, the first nine weeks of pregnancy felt exactly 131 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,960 like an extended hangover, minus the alcohol, and I felt too sick to 132 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:45,639 want to drink anyway. I couldn't do much more than lie on the couch, 133 00:09:45,799 --> 00:09:48,399 getting up every so often to dry heave or eat a saltine. But 134 00:09:48,519 --> 00:09:54,039 once I no longer felt incapacitated by nausea. Twenty four to seven, the 135 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,840 sun rose high into the sky, and my anxiety faded out, as if 136 00:09:56,879 --> 00:10:01,559 someone had hit the dimmer switch. A slight edge of irritability that I'd always 137 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:07,759 figured was just part of my DNA was suddenly gone. No drinking, no 138 00:10:07,919 --> 00:10:11,120 problem. I didn't know why I had ever felt like drinking every weeknight was 139 00:10:11,159 --> 00:10:16,279 something I needed to do, and I didn't feel deprived. After all, 140 00:10:16,519 --> 00:10:20,200 I could still have two drinks a week. I found that I was terrific 141 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,919 at self control. Of course, I got a little obsessed with those two 142 00:10:24,039 --> 00:10:28,639 drinks and plotted when I would have them both on a Friday night, spread 143 00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:31,919 evenly throughout the week, maybe one on a Tuesday and one on a Saturday. 144 00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:35,799 I had nervous thoughts, like what if I blow my alcohol lot on 145 00:10:35,879 --> 00:10:39,759 Monday and lock myself out of a single glass of wine for the upcoming weekend. 146 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:45,519 But I never went above those two glasses. I was a moderation rock 147 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:48,720 star. I didn't think too far into the future about the actual having a 148 00:10:48,759 --> 00:10:56,519 baby part. It still felt so far away. Two thousand and four ad 149 00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:01,159 after delivery, when I got home from the hospital, I realized the elevated 150 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:05,879 hormone levels that buoyed me through pregnancy had made an irish exit, slipping out 151 00:11:05,879 --> 00:11:11,279 with my placenta. The baby swung in like a seven pound, two ounce 152 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:16,279 wrecking ball, leveling any semblance of the life I'd built for myself. Sleep 153 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:20,080 deprivation hit me hard. My daughter was up all night and slept all day 154 00:11:20,159 --> 00:11:24,320 like she lived in some Vegas casino. I'd barely slept in the hospital, 155 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:28,440 and now I wasn't sleeping at home either, because the baby wouldn't so much 156 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:33,360 as cat nap unless she was in our bed. I'd had no idea how 157 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:37,519 much I took sleep for granted until it was no longer an option. Breastfeeding 158 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:43,639 was incredibly difficult due to a breast reduction surgery twenty years prior. At the 159 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,679 time, I had given zero fox that detaching my nipples and then sewing them 160 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:52,200 back on could negatively affect my ability to breastfeed. I just didn't want to 161 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,759 look like Dolly Parton. But now that I was stuck with malfunctioning boobs unable 162 00:11:56,799 --> 00:12:00,240 to produce more than a niqual cups worth of milk, I felt like a 163 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:05,200 failure. I wanted parenting to be good. I loved this tiny creature and 164 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:09,120 felt a primal need to protect her, but my experience was clouded by crushing 165 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:15,840 anxiety. Was she hungry, tired, cold, hot, bored, scared, 166 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:20,799 sad? Was I holding her correctly, feeding her correctly, burping her 167 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:24,360 correctly? If I had any maternal instinct, it was hidden behind a veil 168 00:12:24,399 --> 00:12:28,559 of fear. I started buying up books on Amazon, Healthy Sleep, habits, 169 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:33,519 happy Child, the Happiest baby on the block, What to expect the 170 00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:37,559 first year. I know what you're thinking, Why didn't I get these books 171 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:41,039 before I had a baby? Because I didn't have a baby. Then I 172 00:12:41,159 --> 00:12:45,399 was pregnant, I bought pregnancy books. Duh. My husband took the first 173 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,120 couple of weeks off his sixty hour a week job after the baby came home, 174 00:12:48,399 --> 00:12:52,639 and he really tried to help. One evening, he sent me to 175 00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:54,879 bed and slept on the couch all night with our daughter on his chest. 176 00:12:56,320 --> 00:13:00,360 It was the best six hours of my life up to that point. Once 177 00:13:00,399 --> 00:13:03,080 I was fully formula feeding, he also took on many of the late night 178 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:09,080 feedings, fueling himself on coffee and Rockstar energy drinks. But as much as 179 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:13,759 he pitched in. It didn't stop my anxiety, which was getting worse during 180 00:13:13,799 --> 00:13:16,879 those sleepless nights. I worried it might never get better. What if I'd 181 00:13:16,919 --> 00:13:22,120 made a monumental mistake that I couldn't take back, and then I'd feel guilty 182 00:13:22,159 --> 00:13:26,120 for even having that awful thought. Would I be forced to pretend I was 183 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:31,240 happy and fine with my choices for the foreseeable future. Very quickly, John's 184 00:13:31,279 --> 00:13:35,080 time off timed out and he was able to escape watching me cry and complain. 185 00:13:35,799 --> 00:13:39,279 He went back to his TV production office, and he often didn't get 186 00:13:39,279 --> 00:13:43,879 home until after nine PM or nine thirty, sometimes even ten. Although he 187 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:48,120 complained about the long hours and said he wanted to get home earlier, I 188 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:52,559 found that hard to believe. I imagined long lingorious lunches, an endless supply 189 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:58,960 of Starbucks lattes at his disposal, frequent chats with his fun coworkers, probably 190 00:13:58,039 --> 00:14:03,799 cute female co who weren't sporting cellulate on their arms from recently giving birth. 191 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:07,159 When he walked in the door, exhausted from helping with the late night feedings 192 00:14:07,159 --> 00:14:11,240 and then working a twelve hour day, I didn't feel bad for him. 193 00:14:11,519 --> 00:14:15,799 I felt jealous and slightly resentful. One thing I found to take the edge 194 00:14:15,799 --> 00:14:18,080 off was a glass of wine. It was something to look forward to, 195 00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:22,480 something for me, a treat to celebrate white knuckling it through another day of 196 00:14:22,519 --> 00:14:26,279 infant care, and since I was no longer pregnant, I could drink again. 197 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:31,159 It was a beautiful reunion. Wine was like an ex boyfriend I'd been 198 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:35,399 on break from when I was pregnant, and now that we were back together, 199 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:39,440 I couldn't understand how I'd lived without him. I'd always liked wine, 200 00:14:39,799 --> 00:14:45,000 but now I really liked wine. It was reliable, accessible, and socially 201 00:14:45,039 --> 00:14:48,720 acceptable. One glass definitely helped, but I found that two or even three 202 00:14:48,759 --> 00:14:52,279 worked better. When I would ask John to stop by the store on his 203 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:56,600 way home from work every night to grab a bottle, it raised no alarm 204 00:14:56,639 --> 00:14:58,960 bells. It's not as if I was checking if he could score a Gramma 205 00:15:00,159 --> 00:15:03,000 coke. It was normal. All of us moms were doing it well. 206 00:15:03,159 --> 00:15:09,120 Almost the first time I realized not every mom drank like me. I was 207 00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:13,080 having lunch at a Mexican restaurant near my house with my new mom friend Lara, 208 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,639 and our six month old babies. Lara and I had met at a 209 00:15:16,639 --> 00:15:20,159 Mommy and Me class held at a temple in my neighborhood. I wasn't religious 210 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:24,720 so much as desperate to make some friends with babies. I liked Lara. 211 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:28,159 We had bonded over our mutual irritation at having to sing all the verses of 212 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:33,679 wheels on the bus. We agreed everything after the wipers on the bus go 213 00:15:33,879 --> 00:15:37,720 swish, swish, swish was excessive. By the time you get to the 214 00:15:37,759 --> 00:15:41,519 babies on the bus, go wow wow, wha, it's just diminishing returns. 215 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,960 She was someone I felt I could hang with. She seemed like she 216 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,000 got me, like we had an understanding, which was that even though we 217 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:52,480 just had babies, we wanted to still be ourselves. It was a relief 218 00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:58,200 to have connected with someone because I was definitely struggling. As soon as we 219 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:02,360 were seated at our patio table with our babies situated in two high chairs, 220 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:07,360 Laura pulled out a disposable sesame street place mat, laid it on her daughter's 221 00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:11,840 high chair tray, then broke out hand sanitizer for both us and the babies. 222 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:15,879 Here, put out your hand. She said, this was pre COVID, 223 00:16:15,919 --> 00:16:18,679 so it felt a little extra. She squirted a gel into all of 224 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:23,279 our hands and then sat back satisfied. This poor woman clearly dealt with her 225 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,759 own brand of anxiety. But I knew what would help. Let's get a 226 00:16:26,799 --> 00:16:30,720 margarita, I said, like it was a done deal, Like, of 227 00:16:30,759 --> 00:16:33,960 course, we're getting a margarita, because we're out of the house, in 228 00:16:33,039 --> 00:16:37,960 a Mexican restaurant and already with our babies momming. Plus what else did we 229 00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:42,639 have to do? It wasn't like either of us had pressing plans. Where 230 00:16:42,679 --> 00:16:48,360 were we going besides home to do more of the same. A frozen margarita 231 00:16:48,399 --> 00:16:52,159 sounded so damn good. I could taste it already, the icy, sweet 232 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,759 tart flavor with just the perfect kick to let me know there was a good 233 00:16:55,759 --> 00:17:00,720 amount of alcohol, and I'd soon feel the familiar softening, the quiet confidence 234 00:17:00,759 --> 00:17:03,640 that would set in. Whispering to me in a soft margueritea voice. You 235 00:17:03,759 --> 00:17:07,759 got this, mama. See it's not all so hard. There are moments 236 00:17:07,759 --> 00:17:11,839 of bliss like this. You're doing great. Your baby is in a possibly 237 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:18,079 clean diaper, happily eating shredded cheese. There's nothing to worry about. Motherhood 238 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:22,000 is not so bad, right, But Laura interrupted my drink soothing monologue. 239 00:17:22,279 --> 00:17:26,519 Oh no, not for me. I'm such a lightweight. Since the baby, 240 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:30,119 I wouldn't be able to drive home. What the fuck? What was 241 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:34,119 wrong with her? Was she on antibiotics? Not even just one? I 242 00:17:34,359 --> 00:17:38,200 really can't even half a drink would make me feel drunk these days. But 243 00:17:38,319 --> 00:17:44,519 you go ahead, go ahead. I wasn't going to just go ahead drink 244 00:17:44,559 --> 00:17:48,680 alone. That seemed really lushy. I tried to hide that it mattered so 245 00:17:48,799 --> 00:17:52,279 much. Inwardly, I cursed the fact that I have one of those faces 246 00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:56,079 where you can always read my expression. It had always been a problem with 247 00:17:56,119 --> 00:18:00,519 teachers and bosses and at poker games. The last thing I wanted to seam 248 00:18:00,599 --> 00:18:03,519 was desperate for a drink, because I definitely wasn't. I just thought it 249 00:18:03,519 --> 00:18:07,519 would be fun to let loose a little. I wanted to feel like a 250 00:18:07,599 --> 00:18:11,160 grown woman out for lunch with a girlfriend, and not a mom with a 251 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:15,119 capital M who'd spent the better part of an hour packing a diaper bag with 252 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,799 a fucking duck on it, pre mixing bottles, preemptively changing a diaper, 253 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:25,960 applying oragel, making sure I had my Highlands teething tablets, which I compulsively 254 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,680 fed my baby like she was a teenage boy popping tic TACs on a first 255 00:18:29,759 --> 00:18:33,279 date. This was all so much harder and way more responsibility than I thought 256 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:37,359 it would be. And sitting at that table with the stupid sesame street place 257 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:41,359 mats, seeing orange cheese strewn all over the floor, despite the fact that 258 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:47,079 we'd been seated less than ten minutes, felt downright depressing. Fuck it, 259 00:18:47,519 --> 00:18:52,039 I deserved it. I ordered the drink, and I drank it alone. 260 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:56,680 I found being a stay at home mom incredibly isolating. I'd worked since I 261 00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:00,799 was sixteen and had gotten my first job at burger king. Over the next 262 00:19:00,839 --> 00:19:03,599 twenty years, I waited tables, sold off as supplies over the phone, 263 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:08,079 clerked at a life insurance company, did stand up comedy while waiting table some 264 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:12,279 more, drove a limo, and eventually found my place working in television. 265 00:19:12,759 --> 00:19:15,759 I felt the most like myself when I was at work. It gave me 266 00:19:15,799 --> 00:19:21,319 identity, a sense of community, and a lot of snacks. I'd always 267 00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:25,640 imagine myself squeezing out the kid and being back at work after six weeks. 268 00:19:26,079 --> 00:19:30,359 But even though John was progressive in every other way, he thought that someone 269 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,559 should be at home with the baby at least for the first year. That 270 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,559 person was going to have to be me, since John had an ongoing job 271 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:41,000 and I was working on a pilot that would be over before my due date. 272 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:45,599 It had made sense in the abstract while I was still pregnant, and 273 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,680 I'd agreed it was probably for the best. It wasn't as if I relished 274 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,759 the idea of leaving a six week old with a stranger. I imagined coming 275 00:19:52,799 --> 00:19:56,400 home from a day at work and finding the babies that are breastfeeding my baby, 276 00:19:56,759 --> 00:20:00,160 all while Rebecca de Mornay in the hand that rocks the cradle. But 277 00:20:00,279 --> 00:20:03,839 now that it was a reality, I felt like staying home was a mistake. 278 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:08,440 I wasn't about this life. I needed community, I needed purpose, 279 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:12,920 I needed a break from the monotony. But the problem was, since I 280 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:17,400 didn't technically have a job, I'd have to try to get one, and 281 00:20:17,519 --> 00:20:21,599 any TV jobs I put myself out for would entail a ten to twelve hour 282 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:26,519 day, possibly more if there were a commute plus. In my experience, 283 00:20:26,839 --> 00:20:30,920 TV jobs were no place for new moms at that time in the culture, 284 00:20:30,279 --> 00:20:34,680 moms in a writer's room were more rare than natural boobs. I remember working 285 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:38,640 on Family Feud and my coworkers making fun of a new mom who had worked 286 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:44,759 there for a brief time. Apparently most of her submissions were things like name 287 00:20:44,799 --> 00:20:48,559 a gift you'd bring to a baby shower, or name or reason an infant 288 00:20:48,599 --> 00:20:52,200 might be crying at the time. I laughed along with the guys. New 289 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:56,400 moms are ridiculous one track minds. Of course, now I think that woman 290 00:20:56,480 --> 00:21:00,119 was a genius. I mean, who's watching Family Feud moms. One night, 291 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:03,839 when the baby was only a few months old, feeling desperate for connection 292 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:08,200 to other moms, starved for a creative outlet, and brave from two or 293 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:12,319 three glasses of chardonnay, I started a blog on a whim. I called 294 00:21:12,319 --> 00:21:17,400 it baby on Board. I used it to get my edgy yet comedic thoughts 295 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:22,000 on parenting out of my head and into the world. Luckily, it struck 296 00:21:22,039 --> 00:21:26,039 a chord with other moms, other new moms who were also a few glasses 297 00:21:26,039 --> 00:21:30,039 in, sitting in front of their computers, reading blogs and trying to figure 298 00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:33,680 out just what the fuck had happened to their lives. These other moms and 299 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:37,400 I would read each other's posts and leave comments, and slowly we formed a 300 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:41,359 little community. I could share things on my blog I didn't feel comfortable saying 301 00:21:41,359 --> 00:21:45,240 to people in real life. My blog led to a book deal, and 302 00:21:45,319 --> 00:21:48,920 a year or so later, I published Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay. 303 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:53,279 The book did pretty well, and after numerous appearances on the Today Show, 304 00:21:53,519 --> 00:21:59,359 I was known for being ruthlessly honest about everything from breastfeeding to not falling in 305 00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:02,359 love with my baby be at first sight. And I was also known for 306 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:07,119 talking about drinking a lot. But when I was writing the book, even 307 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:10,599 though I was relieved to have a little gig, I had no idea if 308 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,920 anything would come of it. Plus it wasn't a lot of money, and 309 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:18,319 I wasn't in an office with coworkers, so I still felt disconnected. I 310 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:22,720 made it my business to find some like minded friends. I met Susan at 311 00:22:22,759 --> 00:22:26,440 my Jim, one of the few organized activities I did with my daughter. 312 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:30,759 I just wasn't one of those go getter moms who went from toddler tap dance 313 00:22:30,839 --> 00:22:34,000 to swim lessons to te ball. I was more like browse the dollar tree, 314 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:37,759 hit the park for an hour and call it a full day. Susan 315 00:22:37,839 --> 00:22:41,240 was cool. She had a son about the same age as my toddler daughter, 316 00:22:41,519 --> 00:22:45,000 and her husband was a lawyer who worked an insane amount of hours like 317 00:22:45,079 --> 00:22:48,720 mine, so she was alone most of the day and into the evening and 318 00:22:48,799 --> 00:22:53,359 therefore pretty bored like me. I'd invite myself over a few afternoons a week 319 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:57,480 and make myself at home on a swivel stool at her kitchen counter. We'd 320 00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:02,000 boil the kids in pasta, serve it up to them with butter and shaky 321 00:23:02,079 --> 00:23:04,519 cheese, along with a juice box, and crack open a bottle of Chardonnay 322 00:23:04,559 --> 00:23:08,599 for ourselves. I was so grateful for the company and somewhere to go. 323 00:23:10,599 --> 00:23:12,799 Laura and I still hung out, but she was way more of a plan 324 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:17,799 maker, wanting to book activities a week in advance, and I was more 325 00:23:17,839 --> 00:23:21,720 of a planned canceler who liked to decide if I felt like doing something at 326 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,640 the last minute. Susan was as laid back as I was high strung, 327 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,480 and although she didn't seem to need wine the way I did, she didn't 328 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:33,400 call attention to it either. Since she lived less than a mile from my 329 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:37,240 house, it never seemed risky to have a drink. Sometimes I would have 330 00:23:37,319 --> 00:23:40,640 two and need to wait to drive my daughter home because I felt buzzed. 331 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:45,440 Sometimes I drove home anyway. Having a glass of wine at Susan's made me 332 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:48,960 feel more relaxed, more patient. It made things seem almost fun, and 333 00:23:49,039 --> 00:23:52,279 I thought it gave me the ability to be more in the moment, less 334 00:23:52,319 --> 00:23:56,839 focused on my worry that this might be how I would feel for the rest 335 00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:00,279 of my life. What was I supposed to do not drink? That seemed 336 00:24:00,279 --> 00:24:06,440 an unreasonable expectation of myself. After all, I was providing my daughter with 337 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:11,160 an enriching afternoon. Sometimes we'd fill an inflatable baby pool, slather our kids 338 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:17,160 with broad spectrum SPF fifty sunscreen, and let them splash and play for hours 339 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:21,519 while standing over them watching them like hawks. Didn't we deserve a little fun 340 00:24:21,559 --> 00:24:26,039 as well. The thing was that having wine in the late afternoon was nice, 341 00:24:26,279 --> 00:24:29,559 but I also needed wine to get through the evening. So I would 342 00:24:29,559 --> 00:24:33,440 get home from Susan's, do bathtime, read The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and 343 00:24:33,519 --> 00:24:37,599 wait for John to get home from work so I could open a new bottle 344 00:24:37,599 --> 00:24:41,039 with him as if it was the first of the evening. Hi, honey, 345 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:45,359 let me open some wine. Of course, since many nights John didn't 346 00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:48,880 come home from work until nine or ten o'clock, I had to open a 347 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:52,960 bottle of wine before that if I wanted to float through the late afternoon straight 348 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:56,839 through to everyone's bedtime. I hated the feeling of my buzz wearing off, 349 00:24:56,400 --> 00:25:00,799 but for me, staying buzzed without getting slow was a tough balancing act. 350 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:06,359 Knowing when I've had enough was never my strong suit. The Halloween, just 351 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:10,960 before my daughter turned to Susan, who was a regular at craft stores and 352 00:25:11,039 --> 00:25:15,279 Shishi baby shops, brought over a little puffy bumblebee costume, the kind perfect 353 00:25:15,279 --> 00:25:18,599 for photo ops, so we could go trick or treating together. It was 354 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:22,920 going to be me, John, Susan, her husband Billy, and Susan's 355 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:27,599 mom. Since we were entertaining, I decided festive Halloween cocktails were in order. 356 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,519 On the internet, I found a recipe for something called a tutsie roll 357 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:37,519 using kolua and orange juice Halloween colors. It sounded good. Unfortunately, the 358 00:25:37,559 --> 00:25:42,599 other folks in our tricker treating troop thought the combination sounded disgusting and stuck to 359 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:47,400 beer or water, which really seemed lame. But whatever, more for me, 360 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,759 I scooped some ice from the freezer tray and poured myself a big glass 361 00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:56,559 of kolua, adding a splash of oj Damn, it really tasted just like 362 00:25:56,599 --> 00:26:00,799 a tutsie roll. I discovered a new drink. Maybe I'd put together some 363 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:04,640 kind of holiday drink recipe coffee table book. These people were really missing out. 364 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:10,519 By the time we hit the streets, I was feeling amazing. Afterward, 365 00:26:10,759 --> 00:26:14,359 I saw the pictures of us walking down the sidewalk, my little girl 366 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:18,160 and Susan's little dude their plastic orange pumpkin buckets in hand to collect their candy 367 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:22,359 earnings. But I couldn't remember any of it, well, not more than 368 00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:26,680 a few flashes. I remembered bonding with Susan's mom, who was only about 369 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:32,000 ten years older than me, actually slightly closer in age to me than Susan. 370 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:36,200 But the next day I was told exactly how much we'd bonded. In 371 00:26:36,279 --> 00:26:41,079 my drunken state, I'd made her my bestie, monopolizing her attention, exchanging 372 00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:45,759 stories and contact info, claiming that we were definitely going to stay in touch, 373 00:26:45,519 --> 00:26:48,759 even though no one else seemed too bothered by my behavior. I was 374 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:53,559 mortified, not only had I embarrassed myself once again. I'd missed Halloween. 375 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,960 I'd missed the experience with my baby, miss seeing her walking up to the 376 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:03,119 neighbor's front doors, missed hearing them say are you a little bee? How 377 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:07,440 cute? I'd been there, I'd walked her up to those front doors, 378 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:11,480 I'd held her a little hand. But I'd robbed myself of the experience. 379 00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:15,880 Those memories would forever be missing through my hangover, I lashed out at myself, 380 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:19,079 What's wrong with me? Is this the kind of mother I want to 381 00:27:19,079 --> 00:27:25,119 be? I decided to quit drinking completely. I was done. This was 382 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,880 the wake up call I needed, and I did stop. I even went 383 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:33,000 to a few recovery meetings, but I quickly decided that I had overshot the 384 00:27:33,039 --> 00:27:37,119 mark. My issue wasn't so bad that it required a program, books and 385 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:41,640 meetings and discussing my issues with other people. It was all too much. 386 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:47,119 No, I could do this on my own. Six weeks later, still 387 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:52,519 alcohol free, I found out I was pregnant with twins. The ultrasound tech 388 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:56,720 was all smiles, two babies, but it didn't seem like good news to 389 00:27:56,799 --> 00:28:00,359 me. John had been on board to try for another baby. But I 390 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:04,960 had vacillated between feeling overwhelmed with just the one and occasionally feeling perhaps I could 391 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:10,000 handle one more So, during one fuck it, let's go moment, we 392 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:14,839 tried, but twins felt like suddenly being signed up for a marathon when I 393 00:28:15,079 --> 00:28:19,000 just wrapped my head around jogging. Two new babies meant we'd need to either 394 00:28:19,079 --> 00:28:23,359 move or add space to our house, which we couldn't afford. Twins meant 395 00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:27,240 twice the diapers, twice the stress, and half the sleep of one baby. 396 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:32,599 Although I had been put on Zoloft for a postpartum anxiety, it had 397 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:36,559 shot through the roof. John, on the other hand, was decidedly more 398 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:40,400 chill about it. He had been enjoying being a dad. He read bedtime 399 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:44,240 stories, carried our baby in a backpack until she was heavy enough to threaten 400 00:28:44,319 --> 00:28:48,079 spine damage, and was always up for a trip to Disneyland. You know, 401 00:28:48,279 --> 00:28:51,920 dad shit. He looked at having twins as something that would be difficult 402 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:55,480 for the first few years but pay off in the long run when we're old. 403 00:28:56,160 --> 00:29:00,000 Maybe I was shortsighted, although I prefer to think of it as realistic, 404 00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:03,759 but I wasn't at all sure I'd survived those first few years, and 405 00:29:03,799 --> 00:29:08,880 I was resentful that John wasn't as worried. Two days after the startling news, 406 00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:12,680 I felt like I was going crazy. An insane amount of hormones were 407 00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:17,880 flooding my system, the bad hormones, the ones that left me paranoid and 408 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:21,799 anxious, wanting to crawl out of my skin. I needed something to counter 409 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:26,279 that lethal cocktail of estrogen and progesterone that was killing my optimism. I decided 410 00:29:26,319 --> 00:29:30,559 I needed one drink. I took stock of the dusty bottles of booze in 411 00:29:30,599 --> 00:29:34,720 our liquor cabinet. I didn't even like the taste of Grandmarnier, but it 412 00:29:34,799 --> 00:29:38,200 was the lesser evil among the jugs of hard liquor left in the house, 413 00:29:38,319 --> 00:29:44,799 which included extra driver, mouth, triple sec and cooking sherry. What kind 414 00:29:44,839 --> 00:29:48,039 of sad alcoholic drinks? Cooking sherry? So I grabbed a glass of OJ, 415 00:29:48,519 --> 00:29:52,559 added in a healthy shot of Grandmarnier, slugged it down, and waited 416 00:29:52,599 --> 00:29:56,920 to feel like having twins could be a workable situation. But nothing happened. 417 00:29:57,519 --> 00:30:02,000 All I felt was guilty. I was more determined not to drink at all. 418 00:30:03,039 --> 00:30:07,359 Luckily, like with my previous pregnancy, the good hormones kicked in and 419 00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:11,200 made it easy to be sober. The pregnancy went smoothly until my twentieth week, 420 00:30:11,559 --> 00:30:15,720 when I was alerted that one of the twins was quite a bit smaller 421 00:30:15,759 --> 00:30:18,519 than the other. I was told to lie on one side to increase blood 422 00:30:18,519 --> 00:30:22,599 flow to the smaller twin for three to four hours a day. I tried 423 00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:26,680 my best, but I also had a two year old, a book deadline, 424 00:30:26,839 --> 00:30:30,519 and construction going on in order to make our house accommodate more kids. 425 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:34,359 I had frequent visits with a doctor who specialized in high risk pregnancies, and 426 00:30:34,519 --> 00:30:38,519 was finally put on hospital bed rest at thirty weeks so that my little twins' 427 00:30:38,519 --> 00:30:42,759 blood flow could be monitored. Twenty four to seven. Hanging out in the 428 00:30:42,839 --> 00:30:47,599 high risk ward of the hospital wasn't half bad. I was still under the 429 00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:52,359 hormonal delusion that my little twin could pop out full sized, surprising us all 430 00:30:52,519 --> 00:30:56,440 if I just ate enough hospital pudding. But three weeks later, I delivered 431 00:30:56,480 --> 00:31:00,119 prematurely at thirty three weeks. The bigger baby was a month extras four pounds, 432 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:03,559 but the little one was only two pounds, the size of a men's 433 00:31:03,599 --> 00:31:10,160 loafer both twins were promptly placed in the neonatal intensive care unit. The next 434 00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:14,799 month was a blur of stressful daily NICKI visits with the babies while our older 435 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:18,319 daughter attended preschool a few days a week. Once my sea section was healed 436 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,200 enough that I could drive myself back and forth to the hospital, John returned 437 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:26,720 to work, hoping to save his time off for when the babies came home. 438 00:31:26,079 --> 00:31:30,720 I made many of those visits alone, pushing past the heavy, double 439 00:31:30,839 --> 00:31:34,000 nicky doors, scrubbing my hands in the hospital sink until they were raw and 440 00:31:34,079 --> 00:31:40,079 irritated, and taking turns holding my bigger baby and staring at my tinier girl 441 00:31:40,119 --> 00:31:45,440 in her isolette. I still hadn't had a drop of alcohol. After two 442 00:31:45,519 --> 00:31:48,240 weeks, the bigger twin came home, and after a month, the smaller 443 00:31:48,279 --> 00:31:52,559 twin was sent home to us at only three pounds, having not yet perfected 444 00:31:52,559 --> 00:31:56,039 her suck swallow technique, which, as it would turn out, is a 445 00:31:56,079 --> 00:32:01,440 fairly important life skill. Once both babes were home and the sleep deprivation was 446 00:32:01,519 --> 00:32:07,960 kicking my ass, it suddenly occurred to me that, besides that teeny tiny 447 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:13,160 Grandmagnier slip up, I hadn't had any alcohol in almost nine months. It 448 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:15,559 meant that I didn't really have an alcohol problem. I mean, if I 449 00:32:15,599 --> 00:32:20,039 were an alcoholic, there is no way I could have gone that long without 450 00:32:20,119 --> 00:32:23,680 drinking and not missed it at all. This was a huge relief because I 451 00:32:23,799 --> 00:32:28,200 now had newborn premi, twins, and a three year old. If there 452 00:32:28,279 --> 00:32:31,160 was ever a time I needed to drink, it was right now. Although 453 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:36,359 breastfeeding hadn't worked out with my older daughter and wasn't working for my twins, 454 00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:39,680 I invested in a hospital grade pump in an attempt to eke out even an 455 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:45,079 ounce of breast milk. I'd have done anything to help them grow. The 456 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:49,079 first thing I drank once I started again was beer, because I read that 457 00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:53,160 dark beer stimulates the hormone prolactin, which can increase your milk supply. This 458 00:32:53,319 --> 00:32:58,319 was probably bullshit, but at the time it seemed like as good an excuse 459 00:32:58,359 --> 00:33:00,839 as any. You'll be shocked to find out beer didn't turn me into a 460 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:06,039 miracle milk machine. But even if it had, my little twin wasn't eating. 461 00:33:06,759 --> 00:33:09,119 By the time she was four months old, she only weighed eight pounds 462 00:33:09,319 --> 00:33:14,960 as much as a normal newborn. Feeding her was a struggle and doctors couldn't 463 00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:19,400 figure out why it was. Around this time we realized she had other challenges 464 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:22,400 as well, and we were assigned a number of therapists to intervene, an 465 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:29,200 occupational therapist, physical therapist, a child development specialist, and a nutritionist. 466 00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:32,920 Meanwhile, I didn't even have a hairstylist. Besides all that was going on 467 00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:37,119 with her, my book was due and I had two other kids. Yeah, 468 00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:40,640 I had a lot on my plate. Thank god I wasn't an alcoholic