Welcome to soft core history. But yeah, we got a clap. We
don't have to clap. Come on, just for its our pregame Rachel three
two one. God damn, that's so good. Welcome into softcore History.
I'm your host, Dan Rogester. And that was a perfect clap. And
I've joined as always with Jay Goldman. Hi. Um, I believe John
F. Kennedy actually caught the perfect clap for Marilyn Monroe. That ass that
ass, No, it was, it was the actual clap. It was
Chamidian. I thought you met the bullet. Oh shit, there's so many.
This is such a deep joke. Yeah, well that was. I
mean, that was a good shot. That other voice, of course that
you hear is Rob Fox. Hello. But she didn't really have cheeks either,
Nah, she was, she was old. She did. She was
like she had an ass. First the ass fell off. She didn't do
squats. No one did squats back then. No, there was all baseball
players smoked cigarettes and lifted like literal barbells like cartoon barbells. Took greenies.
But now, I was even before greenies. Cigarettes were their uppers. Back
then. That's why everyone hates like Joe DiMaggio yeah, no one had,
and Marilyn Monroe was there downer. Well, he did visit her grave every
day after she died. That's how good she was. Yeah, so why
don't you not question that? Ass? Damn? It sounds like she was
more of an upper than a downer swing swing swing. Yeah, and we
actually have a guest today. Who is this guess, this wonderful lady mystery.
Would you describe her the way you just describe Marilyn Monroe? Would you
give her a body rundown the way he just did Marilyn Monroe? Uh,
you know it's pretty thin. Oh my god, we don't need all that
decent rack. Daniel could do more. Doesn't her dad listen to you?
She said, her dad listens to this podcast. Fucking psycho. Sorry,
mister Fuller. Yeah, this is my girlfriend, Kylie. Oh Jesus Christ,
what's up? Go ahead and talking to the microphone. You professional for
me one time? Kylie is if you haven't realized yet, the gamest of
game, girlfriends like the most. Oh, I mean she's ride or die.
She started ditting me when I was up definitely unemployed. Yeah, I
can say pretty much dead to society. I mean it's a solid investment.
You're getting bitcoin at zero? Yes, with that kind of Yeah, everything's
a bit in your life at this point. Yeah, it's true. You're
supposed to do stand up. I've never seen her do it. Covid.
Oh, I'm gonna gonna go this. COVID did it. That's why I
can't get my life pregnant. COVID. My penis does work, Covid.
It's a good excuse. It is. How can I bring a child into
this world? How can I bring jokes into this world? There's no time
for jokes. It's dying. Yeah, there's nothing funny right now. She
doesn't want to do a set in front of a zoom. Oh fuck that,
dude. Well I don't let that. No, Just people are still
I mean, go outside, man, do a Chapelle show. Yeah,
people are doing outside, Mike. There's a bunch there is. Yeah.
I actually are one of our producers, Georgio, that we work with.
He runs in open like night at Whiskey Tango. Oh for real? Yeah,
so you gotta get in on that, dude, Yeah y'all, Yeah
for sure. Yeah, let's do at a place called what the fuck.
I'll wear a mask so you can't tell ye, I'll wear a mask so
you can't tell when I don't laugh. Cool. I don't care if you
laugh. Actually literally everyone I do. Actually, you know what, I
would care because you're not a comic. The only laughs I care about are
not the comics labs, comic las. Yeah. No, you don't want
laughs from the comedians. They laugh at the dumbist nothing. Well we talk
about in the comedian like comedians talking about comedy. Oh oh, you want
to puke. It's like a it's not even a circle jerk. It's like
everyone lays down on the floor and Robert and Leggings, Yeah, are like
sixteen. I mean, like, we write comedy, but I'm not a
stand up. Yeah, I don't understand up. Yeah, that's that type
of thing. No, but like, yeah, the last thing you want
to do is have only the comics laugh at your set or try to write
to make the comics. That's even worse. That's the worst part of all
because then you just have disdain for your audience. Yeah, Like you just
like are literally like you don't think of your audience as people, and you're
just like, I'm looking like me and the other people that get on the
stage. You're gonna laugh at like the little bitches off, like the little
just like worthless humans off the stage. Yeah, like you can't even get
the cerebral masturbition joke. Yeah, you're not me, man, You're not
up here. Yeah. Yeah, anyway, it's my penis. So go
ahead, Kylie, tell us a joke. Oh my god, So I
met this guy Dan our relationships a joke. I know, shit, you're
hot about me today because we're actually covering a topic that's like near and dear
to my heart because I love Vikings. I think, boy howdy, we've
talked about this before, but I think I don't maybe know anyone other than
the new guy we work with, dan Uh, the other dan Uh well
to this podcast, the other dan Um in our realm now where we work
on the other day. Yeah, he's but yeah, you what I'm trying
to say is that I've met very few people who would like society to collapse
to just see how they do more than you, Because I think you're fairly
confident, probably in the same way when you were in eighth grade, that
you could start varsity quarterback or something like that. Like you're confident in our
quarterback that you're confident now that you could be Greek up, No big deal,
you could be You're confident now that you could be at least some sort
of mid level warlord. You know, I did think that until I got
until I got this job, and then I met a lot of these military
guys, right, and guys like Tim Kennedy who would just eat me.
Yeah, like while I was still alive. They who probably just take a
bite out of me. Yeah, And I'm like, yeah, I got
nothing. Dan. During the first round of COVID chaos, you were suggesting
where we should go find like make shelter. Yeah, when I was working
a lifetime I was like, I got you know, we gotta go upstairs,
we board off the bottom, and yeah, we just pick off anybody
that comes in. Which was funny to me because Rob then suggested, why
don't we just have shelter in our homes that are literally built to be shelters
because we got still work out. You can probably steal some equipment and then
just bring it back to your garage. But I still haven't gotten to the
phase where I'm working out with steel maces. Oh no, never a weapon.
Are you talking about the one on the chain? No? No,
that's I'm talking about the on it products. Okay, no, but like
a mace is widely available now, I know what you're talking about. The
ball, the spiky ball in the chain. Never a real weapon, Yeah,
no, never a real zero sense Yeah yeah, Kylie, are you
ready for me to suggest we all work out with old school weapons. We
do jiu jitsu sleeve tats and we start to swing. This is all an
elaborate way for you to get a sleeve tat and justify that's really all this.
I'm approaching thirty. This is what every guy in like my demographic approaching
thirty. It's like your quarter from It's your midlife christ from Philadelphia, Philadelphia.
Yeah, just kind of meathead Jim Rat type deal. This is the
evolution. Yeah, and this is a point where you start getting really into
I assume the way, the same way a lot of people really be,
like maybe like my father, you know, balding, middle aged guys with
a gut get into like World War two history. You guys get into Viking
history. In the Viking history. Yeah. Unfortunately, it's been kind of
coming deered recently by maybe a group of people we don't want to be associated
with, who who appropriated vikings Um the alt right. Oh they've been doing
that for a while. Yeah, not because yeah, because of their white
and badasses. Yeah, I want to get like king tats, but I'm
like, I also you don't want to be confused with they get they dig
deep alt right like right right wing nationalists digg real deep into uh certain parts
of like just European history, like ran like the Battle of Tours Have you
heard of that? Yeah? Yeah, it's like where it was the battle
that supposedly stopped the Muslims from taking over the rest of Europe. Like he
was in France, Like they already got in Spain and they're peeking into Europe
and they were stopped at the Battle of Tours by by Charles Martel and a
lot of a lot of alt right, like white nationalists, people who were
like it was when we saved the world from brown people, when like it's
debatable if they were even ever gonna invade France because the Caliphate was already stretched
really thin, and it might have just been a raiding party. It's like
a vike. It's like every might have just been like a rating party.
Get and we're gonna get into like West Frankie and ye same kingdom about this
what we're talking about what happened one hundred years after the Battle of Tours.
Yeah, I looked it up. So the Battle of Tours is like seven
thirty two, I believe. Yeah, okay, yeah, today we're actually
gonna cover uh Viking Jesus. Yes. Ragnar Sigurdson also known as Ragnar Lothbrook,
also known as maybe not a person. I know. I think he
was real. Well, I think he was. I think he I after
reading this stuff you sent, perusing the stuff you said, I think he's
real. I've talked myself into him being like there was a Ragnar, and
I've talked myself into him being Ragnar Lothbrook and also doing all these cool,
cool ass things. Yeah, none of this stuff seems that far fetched.
Rather than like the first story, well there was one about a dragon.
Yeah we'll get to that, but yeah, that might have been out of
context. What if he actually did just like kill a lizard people like a
komodo dragon, yeah, or something like like someone it was like, you
know, like in Florida, how like people let their fucking pythons out and
now they took over the state like some noble got up komodo dragon from another
noble from another not just you know, silk roaded it across and some guy
in France ends up with this dragon and he thinks it's rad and then one
day the Viking shows up and just cuts his fucking head off. Yeah,
like, well this would have happened in the Danish community either way. Yeah,
if you've seen a Burmese python before and then it's in Europe or whatever,
right, Yeah, you're like, what the crocodile, it's a fucking
dragon's dragon. Every lizard over four feet if you're from northern Europe, it's
a fucking dragon, right, And uh so the reason it's kind of up
to debate, like who was Ragnar? Was he a real and the Norse
weren't particularly great at taking notes about their own history. Writing is for fucking
nerds. I honestly just wanted the week. Yeah, it's for pussies,
like you don't fuck if you write right. Essentially, you gotta either raid
or you get a fuck. There's no time to write between those two things.
No, no, but weirdly, like so I've been really obviously if
you've watched the show Vikings, um it kind of covers, Ragnar whatever,
mythical person he was his son's Now the new Assassin's Creed came out Valhalla,
and uh, big thing in Viking culture, weirdly was like battle raps.
Yeah, you were telling you've been talking about this for days. Actually you're
very excited about Like they weren't. They wouldn't ever write anything down, but
they would straight up dissu with like a rhyme, sick with like a fleet.
I think it was called a fleet. Yeah, a fleet yeah kind
of what Twitter? Yah? Twitter like a least, that's how we got
to common deer. That thing you gotta do. Battle raps. People we
don't like think straight up disrespect you with a rhyme and then take out their
acts and cut off your head. Damn. Yeah, slander, actionable slander
was legal grounds to kill someone in Viking culture. I did some extra reading
on just like, damn, you'd be dead, we'd all be dead.
Yeah. I would have been murdered as a child. There are Tim Kennedy's
running around this planet still. Yeah, who should have existed in this world?
And I mean Tim would have been, well, you're just not dumb
enough to talk in that world. That's the difference. Yes, you just
don't that part of your brain, the expressive part where you can just like
burn someone and worst case scenario like you get told on. That doesn't develop
in Viking culture when you see like a fourteen year old be like, oh
are you shoveling? Hey, it's because you're gay, and then they get
a fucking sword through their spine. So pretty much anything that's covered by the
Vikings is word of mouth, kind of can't fire, still, worries and
everything that is documented about these people are from the lose inside. Oh that's
wild. Losing is a bad way to put it. Yeah, well,
from the brutally raped and murdered sides who were left to starve. So the
English, the French, Irish, Irish and anybody they infiltrated. Actually,
one of one of my favorite things that I learned, uh during this was
that Dublin was founded as a Viking town. Yeah, I believe half Dan
supposedly Ragnar's one of Ragnar's sons. I read both. I read both Ragnar
and Ragnar's son was one or the other, and they don't have a read
on which per se, what is it? You are the boneless? All
right? So if you want to rat off his sons, he has six.
There's Ivar the Boneless, there's Uba half Dan, Bjorn Ironside, of
course, uh, his cerc Seagrid Snake Eyes, Snake in the Eyes.
Um, and yeah that's six. Yeah that's do we want to just take
wild stabs in the dark at what those names mean? Yeah? I couldn't
find anything on Ivar the Boneless, so well, apparently he was a real
person. Da Beer and Ironside kind of mythical as well with his dad,
right, Uh Seeger Snake in the eyes kind of the worst character in the
show vikings on History Channel. Oh, is that he's the only I didn't
get through that I didn't get through the first season that it was good show.
And I mean obviously Ragnar meets his demise season four. W if you
want to watch just like a much shittier Game of Thrones. I liked it.
I enjoyed it. Dan, I have a theory, but that's all.
Like the entire show is just bullshit. It's not it's not what Ragnar
was. No, it's it's it's combination. It's not like Rome or John
Adams or something weird because it's on the History Channel, right right, maybe
be a little bit more. The History Channel where more responsible for more misinformation
historically at this point the Stars are you trying to trash Pond Stars? Right
now? I won't have you tarnished the name of Rick. Ancient Aliens First
of all, shut the fuck up. What no that shows? I'm curious,
what do you think the Aliens built everything? Dude, watched the show
one time. There's gotta be There's gotta be at least one episode of Ancient
Aliens with the vikings, right, Oh, I'm sure I'm gonna I mean,
there's an entire Nordic that. Yeah, we're looking up for like,
everything's just like, how did they build these boats? Did they learn or
was it Aliens? The CWN for ten thousand years? The question is always
what could have done it? Trial and error or interstellar travel? You see
these pyramids in Egypt. It couldn't have been Jews. Jews are terrible lap
in the face. You people aren't much lift You aren't lifters. Yeah,
yeah, we're creative. We used tools. Well it's not like we pulled
us out of the sand. We're talking two ton of rocks. You're not
lifting that. You're David, you're not Goliath tools, Dan, tools?
You know fulcrums, levers alien David. Did he use a tool? He
did, He's got that totally on him. Yeah, he used he used
a sling shot or the sling whatever he was slinging the rock. It's one
used sling shot or no he no, it's multiple us. Yeah, you
put another rocket? Do you guys ever played age Empires? No slingers?
No, because that's my bit. We're not doing well? Yeah, we
all have a bit. You bring up the you bring up the kingsman,
I just bring you guys are played my bit o being Jewish? Oh yeah,
just getting ripped on for being Jewish? All right? Her bits dating
Dan, Yeah, it's a good bit. It's a talking to the microphone
you got dud being married to me. Hasn't gotten Courtney on the podcast yet,
so she's episode Yeah, well her, yeah, we her mouth is
at the beginning of episode. That's my other bit. So ragnar for sure
existed, but it's kind of like a lot of maybe maybe multiple people took
credit, Like it's if Jesus. You know the story of Jesus. So
yeah, Jesus definitely existed, But what do you do right, right,
Because I mean the story of Jesus has like nine other very similar stories and
it's all like it's all one cohesive story through all these different books. It'd
be like if they just mashed eighteen different books about Ragnar and like none of
the authors talk to each other or just kind of like build off one another.
It's just a fucking mess. Yeah, for sure. I mean I
think he's taking the place of a lot of like you know, typical trope
stories too, for like folklore as well, Like you know, is he
kind of like a Viking Gilgamesh? Yes, No, I mean exactly.
Yeah. Like so like I mean, Jesus, if you think about it's
like Horace the sun god has the exact same story as Jesus, or like
Cyrus right and Ragnar supposedly you know, the son of Odin right direct descendant
of He's he's a son, He's a god's son yep, myth Mythos.
He takes on that role. He could very well be a real person though.
And they kind of touch on this in the show Vikings, which I
kind of commend them for. Is like it seems and we'll get into it.
He did kind of like question his religion and question like Christianity. He's
kind of like Christianity really interest him. Was it while he was doing his
wife in front of that priest that he kidnapped Applestan? Ye show Appleston and
they were both like looking over at him, like Apples never crossed paths with
Applestan was a real person. But then, yeah, you'll realize in the
show they take a lot of historical characters that never actually didn't care. It
wasn't like his brother Rollo in the show. Yeah, real person actually confirmed.
There's documents on Rollo fifty years after Ragnar died. Yeah, so they
were not brothers. Oh really? No, interesting? Yeah, I don't
think anyone's watching the show Vikings on the History Channel and be like, no,
no, this isn't how it went at all, Like I think I
don't think that's our demo. No, No, I don't think so either.
Our demo is Like, you know, I'll just get through with this.
I just want to learn about fucking Viking Jesus King, and less about
the show Vikings. Yes, so everyone seems to agree that he was the
son of Sigurd Ring in the ninth century, so lived in eighteen hundreds,
which eight hundreds, Yeah, eight hundreds. I'm doing the same thing Jacob
when he talked about it's like Monty Python two five three four God damn.
So, but where he was born is kind of up to debate. Could
have been because sigurd Ring is he was Some sources to say he was on
Norwegian prince. Others say he was a king of Sweden, king of Denmark.
It's a little bit of everything. Yeah, so his real name was
rag Guard or yeah, Segretson, which obviously just he took his dad's name,
right. He was the son of Ragnar Secretson, son of secret same
thing with his sons. They wouldn't be Lothbrook because Lothbrook actually means harry breeches.
Thought meant shaggy breeches, shaggy Harry fairy breeches. Are we sure it
means pubes or doesn't mean like he wore bear pants, like he wore bear
pelt pants. Yeah, I thought that's probably what it is, but we're
going pubes. It was. He apparently thought this would like protect him in
battle, and I guess it did a pretty good job, because better than
nothing, I suppose. So he just wear you know, bear skin,
bear skin pants. Why not also back then, back then, like if
something looked slightly weird, especially when you're invading Christian territory in the ninth century,
I think that they just assumed you were a demon. So if it
looked like you had the legs of a bear. Also, they were like
seven feet tall compared to the Brits, right, Like, imagine if like
we didn't. I'm trying to think of even an example here. Imagine if
somebody came at you attacking, like you were leaving here and you and Kylie
are going to the truck, and this fucking thing, this guy pops out
of the bushes and he has such advanced technology on him that it looks like
he just has like seven arms, right, just seven arms, knives in
each one. What are you gonna assume? You're gonna assume that he's like
a demon or something. And look, you can't even tell it's robotic,
Like it just looks natural, but it's just robotics that are like a one
hundred years down the line. You're gonnasue it's a demon and leave her to
die as you run away. I mean, just a bunch of NFL linebackers
get together and start rating the country. My point is, if he's wearing
bear fur on his legs, I guarantee like half the people in that time
are gonna be like, that's a bear man, and they're gonna like lose
the will to fight immediately. Yeah literally, yeah, yeah, yeah,
like that man, someone like these psychos have bread with bears and are now
sending their bear children to steal our wheat and our women and our women,
and we have to give them our like, I'm sorry, like young nine
year old Catlin, you gotta go with them, because that's a bear person.
You're a bear maid. Now, he wore these pants when he allegedly
slayed what they said was a dragon or a giant poison breathing serpent. It
was a snake outside of a tent. It was a giant fucking snake.
Yeah, it was. It was like a it was a six foot snake.
So he was already famous when that story happened, right, probably,
yeah, here's he at some point. You know, you're famous, and
I'm sure famous people do this. Now. I love your opinion on this.
Actually yeah, I'm sure I'm sure famous people do this. Now,
what if he literally did just walk out of his tent one day be like,
oh, fuck, stick cut its head off, And it was like,
it'd be funny if we just told people I fucking killed a dragon,
or like, oh, look at that dragon I killed. Guts check it
out, I killed dragon. And then you know, it'd be funny we
just tell everyone I killed a dragon just for the shit of it, especially
back then. But here's the thing, right, Vikings did things for the
Cloud all the time. Yeah, Like it was all about their legacy,
their hair, it was all about their hair, the gold they bring back.
Vikings were kind of like SoundCloud rappers. Yeah, the land they take.
It's just all about dominating really right, and just like they were always
on that grind. But all these these kind of like fables and kind of
the legend of Ragnar came out hundreds of years later, like eleven hundred,
twelve hundreds, I read like three hundred and fifty years later in like Iceland,
And yeah, so that's when they find they were like, you know
what, riding's not gay writings finally not for queers. By that point had
been so passed down from you know, bear Child to bear Child and fire
that you know, yet, what yet I have to feel like Viking culture
is just every modern academics nightmare. Yes, in every they're probably solely responsible
for, you know, not a whole lot of documentation during this this time
from Yeah, I think of all the fucking shit we lost, Like we
must have lost artifact, like important relics and things like that because they just
hulk smashed. Yeah, they were like, yeah, sick ves there's like
a thirty percent chance the the fuck what is it? The last what was
the last ger said about the Holy Grail? Yeah, they they they like
they pissed in it. Yeah. They they took a ship and pissed in
the Holy Grail, like they found it in some English abbey and we're just
like, this is my gold toilet. Their God drank out of it.
It is kind of sick. Those good comparison to those SoundCloud rappers where it's
like they do everything for the cloud. They do, rhyme they do,
and they often kill each other over those rhymes. Twitter fingers turned with trigger
fingers. That's right. So yeah, he had three wives allegedly, Uh
that seems not well, not at once he divorced. There's Lagretha, the
shield Maiden who fought side by side she's in the show. Yeah, that
was the first one, and then Thora. They kind of skip over,
but he gets thora from beheading this dragon and then a slog which is the
one who gave him like most of his sons, but also some of these
sons they said could have been adopted, because back then adoption was pretty big
in the Viking community. It was. It wasn't just vikings. There's a
lot everywhere, like for example, the Roman Empire during like the peak of
the Empire, not the republic um. There wasn't like the Empire, the
emperors weren't all fathers son, so a lot of a lot of it was
adopted sons. Like they would just be like to make them their air.
Essentially, they would be like they would just adopt a young up and comer
um. It'd be I'm trying to think of a good example, like if
you want to go like modern politics, like everyone's gonna hate this example,
but if like Bernie Sanders was like AOC is my adopted daughter, you know
what I mean, Like they would just pick a young rump and comer from
their faction who they thought would be a good ruler to be like this is
my song, like a mentor. Yeah, but they would adopt them.
It was to make it legit. Yeah, they would pass the air it.
Essentially it legalized their right to the throne by adopting them. Yeah.
You actually see it a lot in Japanese culture too, even today, like
CEO's adopt because because any rich person's actual child, it's worthless. Yeah,
it's like, no, I'm gonna adopt this guy to run the same song
Dan, I'm a geisha. Yeah. So that's kind of like some background
on like the mythical Ragnar. But there is a guy in the eight hundreds
that is confirmed. He's a real person that a lot of scholars kind of
considered to be the real Ragnar Lothbrook and he goes by Ragan here. He
was translating Latin to Ragnar totally butchered that. Whatever, it doesn't matter,
I'm calling him Ragnar from But he led a campaign into West Francia with five
thousand Viking soldiers in March of eighteen forty five. So that's documented. Yeah,
well aid siege to Paris. Well, yeah, we're gonna get to
that, but but yeah, a little background. Vikings started fucking around with
Frankia in seven ninety nine, which is where Charlemagne, who was the King
of the Franks and the Emperor of Rome, started to create a defense system
along the north coast. Got that done in like eighteen ten. Yeah,
dies in eighteen fourteen eight or yeah, eight eight fourteen. Goddamn it's hard,
right, it's not. It's supern oh, it is, it's super
easy. I did put the Vikings in the eighteen hundreds too. Yeah,
he lived for thousands of yet no, everyone knows where Agnery has been around
for No, No, Charlemagne, sure, Charlemagne the god. Yeah he's
still alive today. Yeah. No, So Charlemagne dies in eighteen fourteen,
eight fourteen, goddamn it. It's superto stop go off one of those like
murder beats or murder rhimes at the Vikings do all right, So he dies
in eight fourteen. Uh, Francia kind of goes into turmoil, has a
lot of civil war. His three sons kind of like butt heads, try
to fight for power, little power struggle and uh yeah, for the next
like thirty years, Vikings kind of keep tabs. Also France, isn't you
know, Francia, Frankie whatever, France, it's divide, Yeah, France
is not France right now. It is not what you're picturing and and and
Charlemagne like ruled part of France and the whole Roman Empire, right, so
it's not really it's yeah's super divided up, like Normandy is its own thing,
Burgundy all the stuff, what you can what you would consider modern France,
all of that. But when he died, that's when it kind of
fractured. I don't think he wrote whatever because his sons, his sons went
off right from parts. Yeah, so for the next thirty years, you
know, Ken's kind of kept tabs and were like they were like weirdly like
good at getting their their research on the really good at scouting, which is
creepy greatest scouting. Yeah, even though they could just like run, they
could well they they could kick in the front door, but they decide to
just well, you know, lions, they don't eat the strongest gazelle.
Yeah, right. They they were like they were like apex predators, like
truly on other humans. Like it's they're smart. Yeah, they're like they
were like spiders that eat other spi It kind of makes sense because it's like,
look at all these idiots worrying about leaders and mud fucking farmers. Yeah
and yeah, it's like a hundred farmers with wooden pitchforks being ruled by four
people with horses. And then all these linebackers are like, oh my god,
we can kill all one hundred of these people and just take their ship.
I mean we were talking even as early as William Walker for our first
episode We'll Throwback. They took over all of like Central America with forty guys.
Yeah, yeah, so imagine how easy it was for five thousand of
these just psychos psychopathic Yeah, strong men. Yeah, even like the European
god is weak compared to the Viking god. Yes, Jesus compared to Yeah,
oh my god, even their gods are buff. Yeah, Jesus is
on a frail Why are they worshiping a god it's dying like he got fucking
what what do you let do to them? What bitch got? Yeah?
Thorin doing that? No, Thor is gonna hit you with his hammer.
That's where God comes in. They just gotta show him the Old Testament.
Yeah, no, so the Old Testaments for the Father. Yeah, I'm
gonna my dad, Papa, don't play. You don't know who my fucking
dad is man. Yeah, he once killed a bunch of the call.
Then they call him a rabbi from the eight hundreds to read from the Torah,
and it's like a little bit. Yeah, it's not it's not intimidating.
And then everyone's head gets cut off. Yeah, all all Western non
Nordic. Yea, we should all be worshiping Odin right now. Honestly,
I'm all for it. If you know what the problem is. They were
too horny. Vikings were too horny. Yeah, they liked fucking too much.
Well, if they were way more, if they were greedier, if
they liked if they like gold more than feasting on bore meat and pussy.
Well they did like gold, not as much as bore meat and pussy.
You know. They like to eat like a bear or a pig and fuck
and then just go to sleep in there like thatched wooden hut. They weren't.
They weren't greedy the way like the Eastern Roman Empire was greedy or the
Persians were greedy, or was more decorative the gold and silver they collected where
it was around, Yeah, it was cloud, it was cloud. It
was like a SoundCloud rapper. They only had a checking account. They only
had a fucking checking account. They kept it in the back of the hut.
I only have a checking account. Come on, what where do you
put your holding on for as long as I can? What do you what
do you put your money into my checking account? I'm leaving paycheck to paycheck,
my guy that you said I didn't have a checking No, I only
have a checking a. Oh okay, I'm gonna have cashed up my four
on one K twice so I don't have that anymore. I've also done this.
Yeah I've done that too, but one time when I put it into
my house, so I really just shifted the savings. So yeah, like
totally normal property. Whoa Rob loves to do that. He loves to hit
that, love to hit that. It's something to translate the audio. So
we got videos high. Yeah, if you want to see what Rob just
did to the Americans on YouTube. Yeah, check us out on YouTube.
Please subscribe, man. But anyway, what we're talking about, Oh yeah
they didn't. Vikings only had a checking account. That was Yeah, they
were no saving. They weren't like other empires. I swear if they if
if they have if they used their ability to navigate both ocean and river,
and also their ability to fight, and you combined that with uh imperial design,
which they never had. Uh really it could have been a lot different,
like really, but they never had. They never They really just sp
They were simple. They really were simple people. Yeah. They love the
sale, they love they love to raid and rape, and why why establish
anything if you can just take it? It's kind of the exactly. Yeah.
No, they didn't have the same they didn't have the same desires that
most I want to I mean, dude, even the fucking Mongolians, who
I feel like it's a pretty good comp even they set up an empire.
Yeah, but like I don't know, they're more Nomad's Vikings because like even
obviously Lee Rickson and all that, the people that originally founded I found found
in the New World, the New World. Yeah, Columbus gets all the
credit though. Yeah, it's because if Vikns didn't write anything down again idiots.
No, they were writing down stuff by then at that point, but
but no one was reading it. No, that was a problem. There
was still a little They were like my type of literacy, my level,
son, nothing, nothing, what do you put what grade are you putting?
His literacy at third at best. Okay, that's tiger than I thought
she would say. To be fair, they recommend when you write stuff for
online content, unless you're like working for the New York Times or the Wall
Street Journal or something like that, it should be at like fifth grade reading
level. Yeah, you got some work to you. We're almost area.
Yeah, go ahead and speak up into the microphone, say with your chest.
Damn, dude, I think my girl's mouth is better than your girl's
mouth. I think Barney's mouth is superior to Kylie's mouth. Wow. I'm
gonna tell her that when I get home, Like, babe, great news.
I tested Kylie's mouth out. Years is better. Yeah. Oh,
I don't want to fight your wife. Man, Glad we settled that on
the show. I can't wait to explain that to my wife. What happened
on the show is Rob compared his wife's mouth to dance girl. Now we
gotta get your wife's mouth, yeah, yeah, yeah, baby, we're
gonna need your mouth. Yeah baby, we gotta test your mouth out.
Yeah. Great. So, Ragnar kind of pops up eight forty one.
Um kind of establishes a relationship with Charles the Bold, the Bald the Bald.
Yeah, yeah, Charles the Bald, Charles the Bald. Actually a
lot of these French kings had some pretty bummer names for them. There was
Charles the Bald, after that was Charles the Simple. And we've talked about
this. Names for leaders are always fucking direct. The worst part is you
get it. They get it why while they're a lot like it's not like
they're dead and they're like that, I was a fucking idiot. He a
dope ass name. Yeah, Charloagne. You know what, Charles Martelban's Charlayne's
grandfather, the guy from the Battle Doors, right, I think so.
Yeah, Charles Martell means Charles the Hammer. That's a sick name. Yeah,
but I mean there's there's even one of his sons is like Louis the
German. Yeah, that's because he's just Chars. They get lazy, some
German, so many fucking kids, you know, like, yeah, that
came from a German jick, so he's German. Well, actually that was
probably I was talking out of my ass here. One's brought to me.
That was a bit of a burn for that time period. Fucking German Germans
were kind of wild people back the hill people they weren't quite that bad because
the Holy Roman empires in Germany at this point, so they were pretty settled,
but they were still like relatively new. Like so the Gauls, the
Frank Frank's whatever you want to call him, had had essentially been civilized longer
than the Germans. So it would be like, I don't know, I'd
be like, it'd be like making fun of someone I guess now for maybe
like being from Montana honestly, like you know, like from the hills in
Montana. I would honestly from Appalachia, you know, like, yeah,
they're in civilization, but barely of How the Brits make fun of the Irish
and the Welsh and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, just like can
they treat the Irish like they're just these like red headed free Yeah, the
Scotts and the Welsh and all that, they just treat him as like lower
class citizens and like bread. Yeah yeah, So Charles the Ball doesn't really
want that smoke when Ragnar comes in, so he gives him land and money
just to stop being addiction. Can you give him normandy? Yeah? He
did, he gave him. He gave him Normandy. You give him bunch
of land, give him a bunch of money. Just be like, hey,
dude, can you stop? How much silver was it? You need
to say how much silver it was. We're not there yet. Oh on
the on the Siege of Paris. Oh, I'm sorry, Yeah, I'm
jumping ahead. By the way, Normandy kind of and not like people.
I feel like no one in France cares about Normandy. Like nobody wants to
live in Normandy. It's only us. It's not that. It's just no
one wants to live in Normandy. It's not like cool shit in Normandy.
And somehow Normandy just keeps popping up in history over and over past and oh,
I guess that's true. But because it was, well, yeah,
I was there for obviously, ragnar you've got um what's his name? The
Battle of Hastings William and the Conqueror comes from Normandy, conquers England, changes
the entire landscape of Western civilization. Then of course you have d Day,
the you know, invasion of Normandy in World War two. Uh, don't
worry about it. Don't worry about It's fine, Okay, Okay, we'll
get that. We'll get to that. It's a special Niche episode A niche
episode called D Day. We might have to do just like a mini episode
on that, like a fifteen minute or just to kind of they were beaches.
We would actually just play the opening of same Private Ryan, and that'll
be an episode you on'tly just listen. This is this is what everyone yeah
saw. Yeah, if your your dad's mete it this far, I'm sure
he's super pumped about that joke about what just their her military dad just like,
what's do you did? Oh? Yeah it is you. I think
I think so. Are you saying he doesn't get tongue in cheek humor?
Damn no, he gets. It's like writing down all the stupid shots.
We had no right to invade Europe. That is not our continent, not
our cause. Yeah, that was to leave Western Europe to the Western Europeans.
That's literally what people were saying, though they were like, well there's
a lot of like you know Nazis in America at that time. Charles Lindbeck.
Yeah, so yeah, he pays him off, but you know,
Viking's gonna viken and he just kept on plunder. There's no yeah, there's
no amount. And also, but how does that ever even work? You
can't pay someone to not punch you in the face. He's the mafia.
Yeah, that's literally mafia, original mafia. Yeah, paying protection, except
they weren't even paying from from themselves, right, well know, yeah they
were. They were paying the Vikings protection and it's to not kill them.
Yeah right yeah, and so they're basically what just the one time, right,
just a one time and you got that's it. My gold is good.
It's like, whoa, they just give us the stuff we wanted in
the raid, Like we don't even have to do anything. This is great.
Let's just keep coming back. This is what we talked about like a
week ago with John Smith, and you're like, Pirtings hard, No,
No, mining gold is hard. Putting a sword in someone's face and taking
and taking their gold is fucking easy. Much smaller men who aren't as good
at fighting. Yeah, I'm that was that was Ragnar's philosophy. Really.
It was like, let's take the easy battle. Yeah, most people that
succeed over history take those easy swipes, like the low hanging fruit that everyone
turns in their nose up at. That's just resource man, right, that's
yeah. Oh Dan, they go and when you kind of like pulled that
rotten apple off apple off the tree for its seeds. You're gonna plant those
seeds in a new tree like a poor man's Johnny apple seed. That's good.
Wait, Kylie, what are your thoughts so far? We haven't talked
to Kylie. Kylie, what are you? What are your thoughts on Ragnar
so far and the Viking people in general? I think they're really progressive in
what way? In every way? The Vikings in general are really progressive.
What was it? The rape or the theft the women? The women fought
two women. They could own property, they could leave their husbands, they
were tired. They did actually divorced this first one adoption. I think it's
only progressive when the woman divorces the man. I don't know how much power
the woman had in that way. He was just like, I want to
fuck. She was a shield something else. Yeah, she had power he
had. He that's not good. He's he started with the girl next door,
you know, like, oh, they played sports together, they killed
British and together, you know, like it was like a crush in high
school. And then he like some smoke show royalty comes along and he's like,
hey, third whatever. He kills a serpent outside of someone's lady was
the second wife? Yeah, I didn't getting a woman as a gift.
What a shitty gift. Yeah, thanks for killing that dragon. Here's my
daughter. Yeah so you Shrek kind of strength, Ragnar. There's there the
parallels, are there? One questioned? Yeah, yeah, so you're a
fan of the Viking though I'm a fan. They look duchy. They don't
dress very well, but they I mean they have tats. They're all tatted
up. They are tatted up. They were bear pants at least they're using
more of the animal. And they saved the side of their heads and stuff,
and so whacked did they all the time? They have that basically just
Google Google they have that but with like braids braids. Yeah yeah, yeah,
that's cool. I'll let that slid cool. No, the ship too,
You're own record, not canceled cut that. Yeah, see you under
the overpast than any Jew out there are bench Shapiro. Oh god, that's
right. He definitely owns that niche. That's a fucking niche. God,
our country sucks. Yeah. Neo Jews, Jews that were Yamakas that love
neo Nazis. That's a guy that makes money for that. What fucking cuck.
Who's the biggest cuck on earth? Most people, I feel like,
just most people in the media cut themselves essentially. I mean you kind of
have to. Yeah, you just cut yourself. So you know, Charles
the Baald did not say kindly to this strip them of the land and title
that he had of Normandy. Normandy okay, and told him to leave.
Of course, you know, Ragnar, being the reasonable man he was,
he left. But then he came back. Well he didn't. I feel
like he actually was like forcedly, like there was actually an army it kind
of push. Yeah, like he did. He just didn't have the manpower
that he was like all right, I know one's battles. Yeah, Well,
like I said, the Vikings are predators, they're not they need yeah,
they know when to strike. Yeah. Yeah. So he kind of
regroups, goes back and uh it comes back with five thousand warriors, yes,
one hundred and twenty ships ships. Yeah. Down the river. Yeah,
he coasted down the river. C N s C. Come on,
I'm putting it's French, so it's kind of like a little accent. Here's
the trick. Here's here's the trick to French. You only pronounce half the
letters no matter what it is. Yeah, so it could be sa,
could be sen, could be C whatever it is. But this and then
on balls while you say it too, it's sent. It's just sen this
time. By the way, I read today a little off topic but about
the French and about Paris. So uh red random article today that like Paris
is big sandwich is making a comeback but up kind of uh And it's like
they're like signature of sandwich. It's literally just ham and butter. Yeah,
no, that is for a while. You know what was usurped by what?
The cheeseburger? Really? Yeah, the cheeseburger had gotten so popular that
it had outpaced sales of the ham and butter bag. What a royale with
cheese pretty much? Yeah, royal with cheese instead of the giambombe. Yes.
I don't know why I know that already, but yeah, I read
that a while ago there. Yeah, oh, man, cheeseburger, that
was a big wind. But the ham, the ham and butter sandwiches back.
How are they not? Opeat It's because they smoke cigarettes and drink red
wine and walk everywhere. They walk everywhere, all right, that's fair and
they're sleep half the time, so like they're not eating. Yeah, that's
true. It pays to be lazy man, as long as you're not shoveling
food down your goalet. It's actually known that if you drink a glass of
red wine for every cigarette you smoke, it cancels. Yeah, it's good,
and it's actually behind his ten calories, so it's negative ten calories.
Well, I mean, and the more out of shape you are, the
harder it is to get somewhere, so your body probably burns more calories,
right, science, science, we mapped it out. Yes, So he
starts to pick off these little towns. As he's sailing down the river,
charlesons on his way to Paris. Paris, Charles sends two forces on each
side of the river. Yea, and rather than fight both sides and get
surrounded, he just went after the smaller force, right as one does.
By the way, at this point, at this point, if you're familiar
with Paris, like the city, I think the city only exists pretty much
on the island in the sun. Yeah yeah, so like now, obviously
it's fucking huge. It's a fortress, it's basically, but yeah, at
this point in time, Paris is just the island on the Sun River,
and it's supposedly like an impenetrable for pretty good spot. That's why it was
built there. Because it's on a river. Yeah, I mean it's on
an island. It's really hard to get in there. You have to lay
siege. Yeah, and siege they did. But first he met these two
these two forces on each side of the river, went after the smaller wrecked,
wrecked them, uh, just fucking smoked them. Took one hundred and
eleven hostages. It's my favorite part. And while the other part of the
Charles Armies on the other side of the river, he sees Ragnar hang all
one hundred and eleven soldiers that he took captive on this little island in between
that, and they he sacrifice them to Odin. Yeah, he's one hundred
and eleven. He hanged him to se by one to sacrifice to Odin and
to scare the shit out of the other side. But one and they the
other side quickly just they bail. Yeah, we're good. They're like,
no, we're not check please yeah yeah yeah, they're out. Um,
So coast is clear for Paris. Peterie, so he sails in the Paris,
not even sail. It's not that about long, It's not that much.
You know. It's kind of like if you went if we went from
the parking lot outside, It's like we went from the parking lot outside of
our studio to like the parking lot outside the subway next to the studio.
Yeah, if we went to the pizzas from here, right, that's exactly.
That's pretty much what they didn't go to the pe terries after this kicking
the door and just start beating everyone since oh there's a hang them on the
street, so that everyone knows that this is our p terries and that's it.
That's the last we'll hear from anyone. Yeah, yeah, like,
well that's Dan's p terries now, and this is Easter Sunday. I noticed
that. Man, a lot of fucked up shit happens on Easter, isn't
that March March twenty nine, eight forty five? I got it that time?
Um, yeah, Easter Sunday again. Ragnar's he's very familiar with Christianity
at this point. He needless needless to say the Easter bunnies stayed away from
Paris, though he knows what this day means to like a city of like
Paris and Charles right Christian like Christianity folks. So he's like, yeah,
it's a perfect time to fucking storm then, and yeah they take a pretty
fucking easily. Um, yeah, they take Paris. They sacked Paris,
They sack Paris. It's amazing how many times all the cities of Europe have
been sacked. Sacking is such a horrifying thought, like just being at a
place where it's like it's oh, they're gonna just like brutalizing, and they
also stay there for like an extended period of time. Yeah, it's so
just like a one day thing, foreign shilling that you don't realize how fucked
up it is. But probably the last actually a city's probably been sacked within
the last twenty thirty years for me, totally honest. But oh like sure,
I mean like in Libya or something. Christmas, Sorry, sacking reminds
you of Christmas. Yeah, it's not as happy as that. Yeah,
there's not's not shoving toys into a bag, yeah, skulls. Maybe it's
a shoving people. I suppose actually no, I suppose they are shoving gifts
into it. Sack. There you go. Yeah, the skulls of their
enemies for their wife that can legally divorce them. Yeah. Yeah, very
progressive from the victor's side. If they wrote stuff down, they would sound
like a utopian like socialist. Yeah, like anarcho socialism or whatever. Yeah.
So here's the thing though. While they're in Paris, a plague breaks
out. Yeah, diarrha plage, diarrhea plague. A lot of Vikings just
kind of get wiped out by this this plague. Oh. So they're all
big and burly, but they have say, little Tom Toms tam shirts.
Is this is this your I am ready? You are? I have I
have diarrhea. I'm jacked and cool. My chick's gonna leave me at any
point and she's legally allowed to do it. Bro. Yeah, I love
this SPI design. This is a shave your head JUSTI yeah. But then
brat you gotta you're gonna to start braking his hair. That braid his hair,
bro the beard back if it braid his beard is dirty beard here too.
But yea. So Ragnar says to see that his forces are kind of
going down. But for whatever reason, Charles the Ball does is like,
please please just leave, So he offers him a first payment, one of
thirteen payments, of seven thousand French pounds. Uh levers. I believe it
was equivalent. I just I looked this up. I did, I did
do that. Oh my gosh, it's a two and a half tons of
silver, which is and two and a half tons of and two it was
two point twenty five hundred pounds of gold and twenty five hundred pounds of silver.
Yeah, so two and a half tons, yeah, two and a
half tons, the first of thirteen payments. Right, So if just the
silver alone was worth like today, one point seven million dollars, the gold
was over five million. Yeah, so do you know what the buying power
of that ship like, it's it's it's just it doesn't make sense. Yeah,
there's no way they could have ever used that for anything other than to
just make like giant gold ships some shit, right, I don't know if
Jeff Bezos of Vikings, oh no, like ten of them. Yeah,
it makes they were paid. Yeah, so the goal the silver was what
you said, one point seven million, the gold was worth a little over
five million. That's insane, like people made like in today in today's dollars.
Right. Oh, but Charles, this was kind of like five million
and eight hundred would be like, I don't know, it'd be like if
Jeff Bezos landed on the moon and figured out that under like eight feet of
dust was just a moon sized diamond, that would be Bases would take that.
Yea, the moon, the space is my bank. Yeah, He's
like, I just swept off the dust. It's all diamonds now built an
Amazon warehouse for film and center around the moon. Yeah, to keep it.
So Charles gives them this just under the pretense that like, get the
fuck out, Like I had to deal with my own country going in the
Civil War, Yeah, I can't deal with a bunch of Like does these
ridden Vikings in mice get you and your Viking diarrhea for the Like, first
they ran the river sun red with blood, ye, and then they ran
it brown with Viking diarrhea. All the fucking monasteries and yeah, took all
that shite. A classic, a classic Scandinavian move Burning probably did some pretty
progressive stuff with the female natives of Paris. Yeah yeah, uh so he
ragnar agrees, but pillages France every stop he can on the way out,
because you know, why not Yeah, that was the best part, why
not of the whole story was it's like if you got kicked out of someone's
house after you made your point and they like got you to leave and you
agreed to it, and just on the way out, you like kicked over
the table in their foyer and we're just like fuck you, and then or
just like put their fucking car on blocks. Yeah. Yeah, Like you're
walking down the driveway and you just like like break out their car windows just
for the shit of it, and like take a fucking iPhone or iPod or
whatever out of the car. Like you just take the radio out of the
fucking car on the way out. It's still mafia shit, Like it is
so such a mafia move. Like after they come rough you up for your
money, they take it and they're like thanks, then they spit in your
face and like, Dad, you gotta think the mafia took a lot of
like notes from Vikings in history, Yeah, for sure. Or maybe just
all of humanity is just a bunch of scumbags. That might be more it
just what we've learned his history. Mankind, we're all just fucking savages.
What's funny is you can't just blame men for this, because there's open progressive
women can blame here, laying waste these French folk. Yeah. Do you
think the wind the Viking women raped? Ye? Absolutely not. What progressive?
Do you think that they're going to touch some skinny French dude when they
have these vikings? Probably chick probably checks Yeah, yeah, obviously no,
any no skinny frenchman is gonna get a boner? Yeah, well, or
satisfy them at all? Maybe they yeah, for sure? By yeah,
yeah. Progress. That's like asking like, do you think like if NBA,
like NBA groupies can't find an NBA player that go like get a circle
performance? Look at how he twirls up there? Uh? Well, I
feel like there's a time and a place for the really bad. Really Yeah,
keep going for Lucky Pierry. Yeah, Lucky Perry. Yeah, callack
Lucky. We're so good at callbacks. Listen to every episode, Kylie,
Do you know what Lucky Pierres do? I want to know? Yeah,
you do, and you should listen to the episode. Listen to that one.
I feel like you should have listened to that episode. Was it done
here? Yes? Ye? How to explain to I think it might?
I was I was using. I was really camp us cavalierly using the term
lucky pierres of everyone knew it, like no one knows, but no one
knew it. The lucky Pierre cavalier, Yeah, cavalier, cavaliers the word
cavalier. Yeah, it's a good word. I was. Yeah, my
use of lucky Pierre was quite cavalier, considering I thought everyone knew it.
It's uh ignorance. When three people to to do at least two dudes of
the three are involved. Could be three dudes but two girls. Oh yeah,
are you describing porn? What are we doing? That's a position.
I don't think. I don't think it counts for the girls. I mean,
I guess you can, just like you can get Yeah, right,
I'll say it counts with the girl, because I'm sure women get pleasure fucking
a guy or a guy or a girl without just with the strap on,
even though I feel like you probably don't get much back. But whatever,
I don't know. I don't know. I'm sure there's a dominator. I
don't know. Yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway,
A lucky Pierre is in the middle of a threesome and they're getting fucked and
fucking. So there's a there, there's a caboose, there's the middle who's
getting fucked by the caboose, and then the middle person is also fucking the
front person. And that middle person that is called Lucky Pierre. Yeah,
so like Dan's behind me. Okay, so human you just described the plot
to human sent kind of but genitali instead of mouths. Yeah, not as
cool, not as cool. I mean sewing someone's genitalia to another's sewing.
It's just putting. Yeah, no, take it out. It's the joyful
human centipede. Yeah, okay, yeah, it's a progressional, it's consensual
human sence. Yes, yeah, typically show up. So Ragnar returns to
King Horric, ruler of the Danes, with all of his lute, all
this fucking silver and gold. But fearing that the Ragnar and his men were
cursed by Saint Germain and the plague, he ordered the Christian captives they took
to be freed and to kill all the Norsemen who returned with him. No.
Yeah, because they thought that the that Saint Germain cursed them with the
dysentery. Yes, and I want to say even Ragnar fell before the king
and was like, the only the only opposition I met going into Paris broke
down. He's like, taking Paris was the easiest thing I've ever done,
except this dead ghost saint. Yes, So he ordered all those soldiers came
back with him to common thing in Christianity. By the way, in early
Christianity, that happened too with Attila. The hun as legend has it,
um fuck, I will look it up real quick. The pope came out,
Attila was gunna sack. Rome didn't um and Attila came out and uh
fuck, just said with belief in yourself, don't I want to say.
Jesus showed up over his shoulder word Jesus was and I was like, get
the fuck out, And Attila was like, whoa a ken Ragnar had a
really complicated relationship Jesus, I like, I like Jesus just rolling down to
Attila and him being like, Yo, bounce get out of here. I'm
sorry. Uh, here's what we have dubbed flagellum d I. Attila invaded
North Italy in four fifty two, so what four hundred years before this,
but spared the city of Rome due to the diplomacy of Pope Leo the first
and the rough shape of his own troops. Legend has it that Saint Peter
and Saint Paul appeared to Attila, threatening to strike him dead if he did
not settle with Pope Leo. Interesting, so Saint Germain saved, so Pope
Leo came out. I think what I had seen and this this was in
I actually learned this and um Age of Vampires too. Did you guys play
that? Yeah, yeah, it's great. Anyboys have a land party soon
and play together. Yeah, it was in that in that game anyway,
Like they appeared over his shoulders, so over each of the Pope's shoulders was
Saint Paul, Saint Peter, and they're like, we'll kill you. Yeah,
and until it was like whoa. So the Annals of Zanton have an
entry in ety for the year a forty five, because it wasn't written until
eight seventy three, but their entry for the year eight forty five. So
again take it with whatever you want. Say that a Ragnar died in eight
forty five. I like to think he uh, he gotta wait, he
didn't. He didn't get murdered by the king. Was sas no no,
no, So this is so the Pitto snakes that that's the whole legend of
Ragnar. So like this, at this point, we only know this Ragnar
for France, for Frankia, for Paris. He goes back, his men
get slaughtered by the king he served and gets gold and silver too. Yeah,
because of the plague and this thing. The chronicles that were written like
forty fifty years later say that a Ragnar died in eighty five. Okay,
but there there there is documentation of a Ragnar in the Anglo Saxon Chronicle,
which was compiled in eight ninety, which is England. It's English history,
right, So my faught process is, or what I like to believe is
he obviously doesn't get executed and he moves on to England because there is there
is an invasion of Ragnar's sons in England. Was that the Heathen Army?
Yeah, the Heathen Army, which is a fucking great name for like the
eight seventies, was that that was eight sixty five of them? Okay?
Yeah, So I believe and I read this like the whole story of the
Heathen Army, the great Heathen Army. My apologies, the great respect on
that name. Yeah, God, I don't want the ghost of Ragnar coming
to get me or I are the bumbless. That doesn't sound like a spooky
guy. That sounds like a guy. No, that sounds worse. Imagine
a ghost just slopping over to you. Yeah, it's not intimidating, it's
creepy. Yeah, but he used the blood eagal people. You know what
that is? No? Tell me, okay, do you want me to
look up the actual term? Yeah? Yeah, tell me what you don't
even know? You're like, do we tell you what it is? I
know what it is. We'll tell us what I want. I want it
to be as like accurate as possible. You want to put some precision?
Is this? Yeah? Is this like the lucky Pierre of murder? It's
a ritual method of execution detailed in Skaldic poetry, where you place in a
pro position, the ribs are severed through the spine with a sharp tool and
their lungs pulled through the open end to create a pair of wings. Oh,
man, have you seen midsomer romantic? It's also in vikings. Have
you ever seen midsommer? Though they do it a midsommer to do a kid
yeah, spoiler. Yeah, I've never seen that. So they've ripped pretty
much your inners out to wings out of your bag. Yeah, do you
get to watch it? This is you know what, This is the flip
side show you in the movie. I'm not going to tell you. This
is the flip side of us bitching about like social media and phones and stuff
as people who had way too much time on their hands back then. Can
you imagine if to just get creative with with torture and yes, execution Seriously,
though, how many how many rabbits did that? Did some sick kid
have to try that on before he eventually rose to like some low lower middle
class level like executioner position, and then was like what do you do?
Like, uh, he stole like twenty apples? Do we care about him?
No, nobody cares about him. Can I try something? And he
became an employee of the month. Yeah, that's it. They're like,
oh my god, there you are. They're so progressive. A serial killers?
A serial killer? Well, I mean the next all executioners are serial
killer? Yeah, technically experimenting on human bodies as science. Science is progressive.
They were progressive full stop. Yeah. Goebel's huge progressive. Yes,
yes, sons of Ragnar invade England in eight sixty five to avenge their father's
death. So there's a twenty year gap between where he supposedly died at the
hands of the Danish king in eight forty five, which was documented thirty years
later, and when the sons of Ragnar avenge his death in a completely different
country. So you had to think he got away and did his thing in
England. Yeah, scy Dan, Well, yeah, a little conspiracy,
a little mythology and aliens. Well like every did it? Every like?
Uh? Story told of Ragnar ends with him dying in a snake pit in
England. Okay, question for the Catholics here um, which is kind of
a poetic because he obviously beheaded that serpent. Yeah, if you get a
second wife, and then killed a dumb little snake and was like, that's
a dragon. Tell everyone, it's the dragon. What were the snakes of
that the guy Saint Patrick got out of Ireland? What were they and what
time are they around? It was all snakes, so it was more than
one He chased all of the snakes. It was more than one species.
No, but like, what what was the snakes referring to like what faction.
No, they weren't actual snakes. I know they weren't snakes. The
Bible says snakes. No, weren't they like people that shouldn't like that.
Were there snakes in the grass something like that? What is the actual snakes
in the grass? There was just regular snakes. He did not get snakes
out of it out of Ireland. If you're trying to compare people to a
lizard, I hate that you're keeping this. It's not some big Catholic mystery.
Now I have to look it up. You know when people call Jews
lizards on the internet, I always defend you. I'm one saint. Patrick
was one of your boys. Yeah, he fought the snakes. You weren't
a snakes. I'm a confirmation name, Patrick. I just I just don't
think anyone should be called a reptile. People are people you don't like confirmation
names. You didn't have a confirmation name. I've we don't do that in
my religion. What are you? Oh we're non denominational. Oh yeah,
so you take the snakes coward the church? Like, if it doesn't bite
me, the Lord exists, so yeah, and if it but if it
does bite me the Lord wanted it to. I like to think there's a
little truth to him. Obviously, pillage in England and all those stories that
kind of came about a few hundred years later. He probably did, probably
did. There was a lot, I mean a lot of people's theory,
but also people could steal the name. It's just multiple people. It really
was just snakes, wasn't it. Yeah, I thought it was like snakes
was like a term. I really thought m for like the black can.
You know, in like World War One, it was just snakes. But
me and Rob know that we can run with it. With Jake. Yeah,
he's gonna go nuts. You're gonna have to recall the Book of Genesis,
chapter one or whatever. The snake shows up the first name. People
just fucking hate snakes. Genesis chapter one. Let I believe it was Snake
starts with Heaven in the Europe. Yeah, it's like chapter or whatever.
Whenever the serpent shows up gives you an apple. I don't know why you
would ever take an apple from snake. I don't know, man, I
don't want that apple. You can't. Don't people their experiences. That's true.
It's because it was mushrooms. Bro, don't king it was actually mushrooms.
Yeah, it wasn't an apple at all. Honestly, there's a fucking
like fifty percent chance if I gave you enough LSD and set it up so
it looked like a snake was offering you an apple, you'd fucking take it.
Think it's a real snake offering it. I'll take an apple from any
animal, but a snake, any animal, snake. If a talking animal
came up to you and offer you an apple, you would take it like
just a full pass, except for from a snake. I don't like snakes.
The bigger problem here is that you should not take fruit from any talking
animal. Why wouldn't you. I would most certainly take a piece of fruit
from a talking animal that's not a snake. Snakes are distrustful what any reptile,
So now you probably can't trust a reptile in general, cold blooded.
But like if a monkey came up to you, I would take an apple
from an iguana. Really, they seem pretty chill for lizard. Yeah,
yeah, well you still get salmonella? Do they have that chameleon? Yeah?
You don't want it from that? Yeah, I'd take it from I
would take an apple from a chimp, but I wouldn't take it from a
smaller, trickier monkey. Nothing with a tail, yeah, exactly. The
tailed monkeys are the mischievous water sneaks. Yeah, Grilla, for whatever reason
with with a with apes and monkeys. The bigger they get, the more
I trust them, except for baboons, except in a fight, because they'll
just break. Planet of the Apes is based on a true story set in
the future. Yes. Yeah, well I'll die on this hill. It
was set on a true set. Wait, it's based on a true story
that's set in the future. Yeah, so someone essentially time traveled back to
write Planet of the Apes. Yeah? Is that? Are you just winging
it? No? I don't. You don't fuck with monkeys apes. No,
all apes and monkeys are bad. Yes, sorry, one last decide
and I'll let that keep going. I saw this thing done anyway, Okay,
I can't tell you about things that happened that aren't confirmed. He died
in eight forty five, allegedly in a pit snake. The fuck up the
Pitto Snakes real quick, by the way, he died in the Pitis Snakes
in like eighteen sixties. The eighteen six, Like they're not avenge or yeah,
the eight sixty five sixty five, so he probably dies somewhere in eight
sixty Yeah, a few a few years to avenge your dad. It was
hard to make it out of the sixties. Man. You don't wait twenty
years to go to a completely different country to avenge your dad. I don't
think you wait maybe twenty years. But they don't look at time the same
way we look at times. I mean, so essentially, once that first
snow or whatever hits, like, you're just stuck, you know what I
mean, Like the seasons means it's we have a different I would I would
venture that we barely have the same comprehension of time. Yeah. True,
I mean they probably go by just like one winter to winter, right,
it's like Game of THRONESZ. Yeah, oh that makes sense. No,
But going back to the apes real quick. I saw this thing where they
used like crisper to like make a chimp or something like that. It's like
brain developed better. What it's genetic it's gene modification technology. Yeah, it's
like this is really how this movie starts, you know that? Right?
Like literally yeah, like why would you do that? So? Oh,
let's make them. Let's make him as smart as people. So are you
against making apes smarter? Yes, that's not very progressive. I didn't say
I was progressive. I said the Vikings were progressive. That's fair, that's
fair. Yeah, she's a hardcore conservative. We reached She's right a fashion
How dare you not give apes our brains? Anyway? Yeah, So that's
the story of Ragnar Lothbrook, Regnar Seagards, Viking, Jesus Viking Jesus.
Yeah, I looked him up on Twitter. Oh yeah, Twitter, he's
verified. Ragnar Lothbrook's verified. No, I believe there's a Ragnar Sigurdson that
was like a soccer player. Oh true, No, which is no Google.
Look, he's verified. He tweets super talking to the mic relatable things
like what olind it it's not just the USAF. Yeah there's a verified guy.
No, this is the fucking guy. He's got the his avatar or
whatever. His picture is the dude from the show. Yeah, it's just
the guy. It's just a guy from the show. Yeah, it's the
guy from the show. No, it's not it's not fucking is red he
Well he got crazy? Then the grind of what acting he's playing video game.
I guess I'll bless my fans with this amazing clutch. No need to
think. I don't know what that fucking you know heart stage combat classes,
you know hard, that is the grind of stage combat. Describe it.
I've never the Vikings. Actually, that kid, I can't stomach it.
Man Regnar loth Brock is a total millennial too. He's a tweet I make
my bed to trick my cell into thinking I'm not a degenerate, huhatable grind
about what the grind fucking god tweet someone with the bowls here? Well,
dude, we like we said the Vikings were about Cloud. Yeah, they
would. They would really actually, if they were about Cloud, they would
love Twitter and Instagram. They would just be like yo, just blood eagled
this dude, But they hate. They'd be really good at captions too.
I get them. Yeah, always on that grind, like they just take
it. They take a selfie on the boat in the middle of the ocean,
like always on that grind. They'd be like them in the on Twitter,
there's no there. They're tiktoker's yet no written word, just like action
all action. Yeah, it's like like there's just someone's like someone's blown into
a horn while they're just like pulling the guy's rib cage open. Yeah,
and then they'd like shoot a flaming arrow into Ragnar's coffin. Viking funerals.
Yeah, he actually in the show they have when they invade Paris, they
fake Ragnar's death, they have a funeral for him, and then he pops
out of the coffin. No way. So spoiler looking, rad that's sick.
This whole episode has been nothing but spoiler alert. I know. Um,
so just really grotesque deaths. I sent Robin Dan after my John Smith
episode a little fun factoid I want to read for an audience real quick.
Yeah, it's a guy, so, um, the guy that was there
after John Smith. The guy that was there after John Smith left it because
John Smith had a good relationship with the Peloton tribe. That guy didn't give
a shit about the Peloton tribe. So they captured him and they skinned him
alive with muscle shells and they saved his face for last Yeah, so he
could be he could bear witness to the whole thing and feeling John Smith would
have been good Viking. Oh, he basically was a Viking. He was
he was a pirate and a warrior. Yeah, he was a Viking except
trade raping and bore me and pillaging for killing turks? Are pirate and Viking
interchangeable? Kind of or what the word pirate and viking? They have the
same meaning, um, different time frames, same thing. They were pretty
mus raid and they like attack land. They had very They had almost no
sea engagements. They didn't they didn't fight it, but they would still.
I guarantee you like pull ships over, you know what I mean, like
follow them until they got to land, which which a lot of pirates did
as well and said they would. Essentially, they would still take ships,
they would just have to wait longer sometimes, whereas like you know, a
pirate ship can just do it at sea. And that's the difference. And
that is softcore history. Make sure to ray subscribe, so give us a
like, give us some follows. Whatever about the podcast. Subscribe on YouTube,
Subscribe on YouTube. Listen it's available wherever podcasts are found. It's all
your friends, even if they have androids, they can listen to this Spotify
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it, so barely are your friends gonna shame you for dating them, because
I already do. Like this is the worst thing about me. That's true.
Yeah, the podcasters kind of fire up there, But what's wrong with
three white, uh straight white men in their thirties podcasting thirty. I'm not
thirty yet either, just me. Yeah, we're in or late twenties.
Wow, we got six months, we got six months. We gotta we
gotta die, dude, we gotta die. Gary V says we're allowed to
fuck up these last six months. And so we're thirty, you can get
a savings account. Maybe when you're thirty. I won't go there anyway.
Thank you for tuning in for Rob Fox, Jake Oldman, Kylie Fuller,
Well, thanks for showing up. I am damage yester, and you just
got sauce served.