WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:11.039 This is pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great Love Debate. It's 2 00:00:11.039 --> 00:00:17.480 the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debase. 3 00:00:17.960 --> 00:00:22.079 Hi again, everyone's Brian how We welcome to the Great Love Debate, 4 00:00:22.120 --> 00:00:26.359 the world's number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am back 5 00:00:26.359 --> 00:00:31.679 here in the very fine studios of Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. I'm 6 00:00:31.800 --> 00:00:34.640 the one in Palm Beach Gardens, which is very lovely. I don't come 7 00:00:34.679 --> 00:00:38.479 to this one a month enough, but tis the season here and it's it's 8 00:00:38.520 --> 00:00:42.280 it's game on in Palm Beach Gardens. At the beginning of the show, 9 00:00:42.320 --> 00:00:45.280 every time I do the show, I say the words dating and relationship. 10 00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:50.439 In some ways, dating should really to relationship. They do have their own 11 00:00:50.520 --> 00:00:53.920 sort of universes that they exist in. So one of the things that we 12 00:00:53.960 --> 00:00:58.840 hear, especially at our live shows, is that dating has gotten more difficult. 13 00:00:59.439 --> 00:01:02.880 And you could make that argument in some ways, there's some things that 14 00:01:02.920 --> 00:01:04.040 have made it difficult. In a lot of ways, dating is easier. 15 00:01:04.079 --> 00:01:08.159 In a lot of ways, dating is how it always was. Guy girl 16 00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:11.799 sniffing around each other, have a drink and hope to make out in the 17 00:01:11.799 --> 00:01:15.280 parking lot like it really hasn't. Evaulved a lot from that. The mechanism 18 00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:18.879 and how we get there is ever. Relationships, though, I believe, 19 00:01:19.040 --> 00:01:22.239 have gotten more difficult, and there's a lot of reasons for that, And 20 00:01:22.280 --> 00:01:26.439 because I am only semi competent at laying out those reasons, I brought in 21 00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:29.439 a couple of pros here today. You're going to help us a little bit 22 00:01:29.480 --> 00:01:33.000 with the dating side, but a lot of the relationship side, what we're 23 00:01:33.000 --> 00:01:34.680 doing right, what we're doing wrong, And a big part of this is 24 00:01:34.719 --> 00:01:40.359 about why things have changed to make relationships difficult. They are the hosts of 25 00:01:40.439 --> 00:01:44.959 the Slightly Saane podcast. I think they're mostly sane, and so the part 26 00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:47.400 that is not quite saying is the entertaining part. Here. They brought their 27 00:01:47.400 --> 00:01:51.519 own pillows to sit in the chair. It's very luxurious. Doctor Christy and 28 00:01:51.560 --> 00:01:55.159 doctor Laura. How are you two doctors in the house. Hello, Brian, 29 00:01:55.200 --> 00:01:57.319 how are you? Good morning, Brian. It's so good to be 30 00:01:57.400 --> 00:02:00.760 here. I've made this point before on this show, and I've heard you 31 00:02:00.799 --> 00:02:06.519 make this point before that this idea of trying to fall fall in love with 32 00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:12.960 somebody and make them your soulmate and spend fifty years happily ever after together is 33 00:02:13.319 --> 00:02:15.199 in the in the you know, sort of concept of time, like a 34 00:02:15.240 --> 00:02:20.080 blink of an eye. In terms of time, we're maybe two hundred and 35 00:02:20.120 --> 00:02:23.280 three hundred years into that. Life expectancy used to be, you know, 36 00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:30.479 thirty, you'd you'd meet, you'd farm, you'd breed, you'd die, 37 00:02:30.840 --> 00:02:35.840 and that was it. And then it I think it evolved into families. 38 00:02:35.879 --> 00:02:39.000 Swapping a guy or a girl for each other might have been a trade. 39 00:02:39.360 --> 00:02:43.560 We'll call it matchmaking in a way, but a little bit it was like 40 00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:46.840 a a It was a legal thing. And then somewhere on the line despite 41 00:02:46.919 --> 00:02:50.400 if you want to go back to you know, Anthony Klaypatrick and Romeo and 42 00:02:50.439 --> 00:02:53.560 Juliet and all those if you if you want to come into to now only 43 00:02:53.599 --> 00:02:57.840 in you know, the wedding vows were only written through or four hundred years 44 00:02:57.879 --> 00:03:00.439 ago. This idea of like we're gonna meet, we're gonna fall in love, 45 00:03:00.479 --> 00:03:06.800 we're gonna and the world has changed tremendously. Life expectancy has changed. 46 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:10.879 You're around with your kids a lot longer, financial responsibilities. In the last 47 00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:15.680 twenty years, obviously, gender roles have shifted and all of that leads to 48 00:03:15.960 --> 00:03:21.080 communication breakdown, confidence breakdown, but sometimes in a breakdown of a relationship that 49 00:03:21.159 --> 00:03:25.199 might not have happened in sixteen twenty two that reasonable setup. Definitely, definitely 50 00:03:27.120 --> 00:03:31.520 yep. So why do you Let's let's start with the premise. The premise 51 00:03:31.599 --> 00:03:37.400 is, I think relationships are more difficult because life is more complicated than it 52 00:03:37.520 --> 00:03:38.680 used to be. You kind of knew what you had to do as the 53 00:03:38.680 --> 00:03:40.919 guy. You knew what you had to do as the girl. You're together 54 00:03:42.000 --> 00:03:46.680 for certain reasons, not that long, and it worked out very Rarely were 55 00:03:46.759 --> 00:03:51.879 two people together for sixty years, happy and monogamously. And now you involve 56 00:03:51.960 --> 00:03:53.080 all of the things. Even if we want to get into the last ten 57 00:03:53.159 --> 00:03:59.800 years, where you're talking about women working more outside of the house and then 58 00:03:59.840 --> 00:04:02.919 you have to deal with childcare and you have to do that, there's pressure 59 00:04:02.960 --> 00:04:10.520 and exhaustion and financial responsibilities and a lot of things that lead to fights, 60 00:04:10.840 --> 00:04:14.680 anger, resentment, lack of communication, all those things that I don't think 61 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:18.319 bode well to making things last. So I think, well, I know 62 00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:21.360 this is your job. People come to this all the time, and are 63 00:04:21.360 --> 00:04:24.879 you just like that's just the way it is, or living in twenty twenty 64 00:04:24.879 --> 00:04:26.839 four and you don't like it, go back to the fifteen hundreds. I 65 00:04:26.839 --> 00:04:29.800 don't know. Oh, I think that's a complicated. Well. First, 66 00:04:30.040 --> 00:04:32.040 first of all, I can say full disclosure, I'm dating Christie is not 67 00:04:32.839 --> 00:04:38.360 yes, I'm married. Yes. So there's the first hand knowledge and then 68 00:04:38.399 --> 00:04:43.439 there's the intellectual book knowledge. I think the intellectual book knowledge says one thing. 69 00:04:43.600 --> 00:04:46.120 But being out there in the dating world, I will say it's a 70 00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:48.839 shit show. It is. It is, absolutely, it has changed, 71 00:04:49.319 --> 00:04:54.480 not necessarily for the better. Is you were you were married, that was 72 00:04:54.759 --> 00:04:58.319 so you were out there in your when was your single time. I'm not 73 00:04:58.319 --> 00:05:00.519 gonna say how old you are now, but in your twenties were dating? 74 00:05:00.279 --> 00:05:02.480 I was dating? Yeah, I was dating in my twenties. And now 75 00:05:02.480 --> 00:05:06.120 you're back out there post divorce. What is changed to you? First of 76 00:05:06.160 --> 00:05:14.240 all, expectations have changed, apps have changed, there's have changed everything. 77 00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:17.879 There is more confusion about who does what, yes, for sure, yes, 78 00:05:18.399 --> 00:05:27.720 who initiates the first contact, who does the calling? Listen and snapchat 79 00:05:27.800 --> 00:05:30.720 and all of those things have made it so much more complicated. We read 80 00:05:30.759 --> 00:05:35.000 into everything he left me undelivered, he doesn't like me. Well, maybe 81 00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:39.480 he's busy. We didn't used to have We didn't know even twenty years ago, 82 00:05:39.560 --> 00:05:42.519 that wasn't a thing that led to a score like a snap score. 83 00:05:42.680 --> 00:05:45.279 Well, listen, he didn't answer me, but his snapscore is going up, 84 00:05:45.319 --> 00:05:47.120 which means he's snapping somebody else besides me. What the hell is a 85 00:05:47.160 --> 00:05:51.040 snap stack? Exactly? Stay married? Yeah, yeah, but that he 86 00:05:51.120 --> 00:05:56.759 left me on. These were adding technology into this, adding an angst and 87 00:05:56.800 --> 00:06:00.079 worry over this. I agree with you on that. The who does what 88 00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:02.600 whatever? I talk about this to death since the very first time we started 89 00:06:02.600 --> 00:06:09.079 this show, is that the blurring of the traditional gender roles is a wonderful 90 00:06:09.079 --> 00:06:15.079 thing in every aspect of society except for dating, because it has left two 91 00:06:15.199 --> 00:06:20.000 or three generations of people having to change the way they went about everything right 92 00:06:20.040 --> 00:06:24.639 in the middle of the ocean. You know, I think it's got a 93 00:06:24.720 --> 00:06:29.319 better chance to work if it's if it's still the way most people over thirty 94 00:06:30.240 --> 00:06:31.720 started doing this. He asked her out. He pays, he picks you 95 00:06:31.800 --> 00:06:36.000 up. I can't pick you up anymore. He might be a serial killer. 96 00:06:36.199 --> 00:06:39.399 We were serial killers in the nineties, and you let us pick us 97 00:06:39.439 --> 00:06:42.680 up. Yeah, we just you didn't watch as much like we couldn't google 98 00:06:42.720 --> 00:06:46.519 it and we didn't watch date lines. Right, But you bring that up. 99 00:06:46.120 --> 00:06:50.000 You know more now about anybody you go out with, if you do 100 00:06:50.040 --> 00:06:55.240 your homework, than you ever did thirty years ago. So maybe I'm unsafe 101 00:06:55.279 --> 00:06:59.199 I don't google people. Well maybe, but thirty years ago he had a 102 00:06:59.240 --> 00:07:01.079 pen and a napkin at two o'clock in the morning, you took your number 103 00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:03.360 and you're like, you have to pick me up. You have to pick 104 00:07:03.360 --> 00:07:05.920 me up. It was like required. Now you're like, I don't want 105 00:07:05.959 --> 00:07:09.600 him to see where I live. Well, if he's a psycho, he's 106 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:11.759 gonna find out where you live. And if he's a psycho, he's probably 107 00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:15.519 gonna hide it for five dates or thirty days or whatever. There's fear based 108 00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:16.680 dating, which I talked about a lot of my last podcast. I got 109 00:07:16.720 --> 00:07:21.160 a ton of feedback on that. But it's about communication. Commerce breakdown and 110 00:07:21.199 --> 00:07:26.120 you take these things into the relationships. Once you get into the relationships, 111 00:07:26.160 --> 00:07:30.079 I think then it's like who does this? Who does that? Yes? 112 00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:33.879 How do you split the ink? You know, two working people, we're 113 00:07:33.920 --> 00:07:38.240 gonna buy How does this work? You know? I wonder very successful people 114 00:07:38.319 --> 00:07:41.639 who are very wealthy and they get together, like like Jennifer Lopez and Ben 115 00:07:41.680 --> 00:07:46.279 Affleck, how do they handle like just buying a piece of property? Went 116 00:07:46.319 --> 00:07:48.800 to buy a house? Like I got this one? Like, how does 117 00:07:48.800 --> 00:07:54.040 that conversation even go? Are they both donating into a third party trust which 118 00:07:54.079 --> 00:07:56.879 they probably are a bunch of lawyers and stuff. That's not the most romantic 119 00:07:56.879 --> 00:08:01.079 way to do things either. Neither is a prenup. But the no. 120 00:08:01.160 --> 00:08:05.079 But I think what you're talking about is we do well with My personal opinion 121 00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:09.839 is we do well with clean lines, meaning this is you, this is 122 00:08:09.959 --> 00:08:13.519 that, this is your role as housewife. I'm not trying to say clearly, 123 00:08:13.560 --> 00:08:16.240 I don't. I mean I was trained to be a professional, not 124 00:08:16.279 --> 00:08:20.160 be a house wife or a house mom. But I agree with you. 125 00:08:20.279 --> 00:08:24.480 It confused. It was the start of the confusion of Okay, if you 126 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:28.800 work, and you work, who's now responsible for picking up the kids? 127 00:08:28.800 --> 00:08:31.279 Who takes the trash out? Do you pay for this? Do you pay 128 00:08:31.279 --> 00:08:35.759 for the mortgage? Do you pay for the car? And because say what 129 00:08:35.799 --> 00:08:37.960 you want and I'm not a dad, so I'm just guessing at this. 130 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:41.320 It's always going to be way harder on the mom. It is yes, 131 00:08:41.399 --> 00:08:46.039 the mom has a shoulders a big part of the logistical and emotional burden of 132 00:08:46.080 --> 00:08:52.000 the children they is. And sometimes then that negatively affects the wildly insecure husband 133 00:08:52.120 --> 00:08:56.159 man because he's not getting the attention that he needs from her, because she's 134 00:08:56.240 --> 00:08:58.919 just exhausted from chasing around four year old all day long. And that is 135 00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:03.600 something that you're not prepared for because back when you were just dating, it 136 00:09:03.679 --> 00:09:07.559 was mostly about fun because the stakes were lower. We laughed and we went 137 00:09:07.559 --> 00:09:09.919 on this trip and we got drunk, and we had look at our match 138 00:09:11.519 --> 00:09:16.360 look at our matching Halloween costumes and whatever. And then you morph into this 139 00:09:16.600 --> 00:09:20.039 different phase of life which really has nothing to do with what got you together 140 00:09:20.080 --> 00:09:24.000 in the first place. I was just having this conversation with a couple yesterday. 141 00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:30.279 I think the danger to any relationship is complacency. You gotta if you 142 00:09:30.360 --> 00:09:33.519 started off as friends, right, you should be treating each other as friends 143 00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:37.919 throughout the course of the relationship. So it shouldn't be your job as garbage. 144 00:09:37.960 --> 00:09:39.360 My job is garbage. If you walk past the garbage, take the 145 00:09:39.399 --> 00:09:43.720 freaking garbage out. Just take it out. But again, the expectations, 146 00:09:45.120 --> 00:09:48.919 the expectations are confusing to people, especially if you were raised in a household 147 00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:54.480 that was traditional and now your own household is not necessarily quote unquote traditional. 148 00:09:54.759 --> 00:09:58.639 You're really confused. My mother was not allowed to work, and I think 149 00:09:58.679 --> 00:10:01.919 she and that too. I think she's like, I could have had a 150 00:10:01.960 --> 00:10:03.919 second act in life. My father was like, no, this is your 151 00:10:05.120 --> 00:10:07.919 role very traditional. I saw you know the prose of that. As a 152 00:10:09.559 --> 00:10:11.240 son, you had your mother around, do whatever you wanted. But there's 153 00:10:11.279 --> 00:10:16.720 also part of her wasn't living her full life. And you get together at 154 00:10:16.759 --> 00:10:20.879 twenty thirty forty, and I've said this a million times, like I didn't 155 00:10:20.919 --> 00:10:22.039 know who I was at thirty. I'm supposed to know who you are, 156 00:10:22.399 --> 00:10:26.919 and I was supposed to commit that you're going to grow along with me. 157 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:28.360 I was at this event last night and this woman, she was in her 158 00:10:28.399 --> 00:10:31.879 fifties, and she's complaining about dating, and she's like, you need to 159 00:10:31.960 --> 00:10:35.440 accept me as I am. I'm like, why are you as you are? 160 00:10:35.440 --> 00:10:39.039 You just finished? Are you like locked? Nothing is going to change 161 00:10:39.039 --> 00:10:43.360 about you. I'm sorry. That's bs when somebody says that that's your excuse. 162 00:10:43.440 --> 00:10:45.960 They didn't appreciate me for who I am. They wouldn't take me as 163 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:50.320 I am. You should. Every date encounter, neew relationship should change you, 164 00:10:50.759 --> 00:10:54.120 hopefully positively, that you're taking something forward and you're not so set in 165 00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:56.480 your ways because all you know is what did not work out. This is 166 00:10:56.559 --> 00:11:01.960 like the angry female that is and the angry male, which is destroying dating. 167 00:11:03.240 --> 00:11:05.559 I have to just set it is destroying dating because you have people who 168 00:11:05.600 --> 00:11:11.639 are coming in with that attitude, which I'm rigid. Take me as I 169 00:11:11.679 --> 00:11:15.159 am, this is it. You don't like me, screw off. Sorry, 170 00:11:15.159 --> 00:11:18.120 you're not getting any dates. You're just not the Yeah, I agree, 171 00:11:18.159 --> 00:11:22.759 and this whole you know, the men are not perfect by handy meil. 172 00:11:24.039 --> 00:11:26.360 Neither are the women, I agree, But there are I think more 173 00:11:26.559 --> 00:11:31.000 men out there trying to do the work, trying to be curious, trying 174 00:11:31.000 --> 00:11:33.120 to ask the questions, trying to learn her than ever before. Out. 175 00:11:33.639 --> 00:11:37.639 No, well, look, I think because our roles have changed a lot, 176 00:11:37.799 --> 00:11:43.559 the room for growth is more on that side. So yeah, there's 177 00:11:43.559 --> 00:11:46.720 a little bit more effort being seen. You see couples, right, yeah, 178 00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:52.600 she does. I'm the individual side are men. So you've been doing 179 00:11:52.600 --> 00:11:54.879 this, you know, it's that's my wise boyfriend. Girls and they come 180 00:11:54.919 --> 00:11:58.840 in. Are the men more amenable to coming in or they all seem like 181 00:11:58.840 --> 00:12:03.000 they're kicking and screaming like fifteen years ago, Like are they making the appointments? 182 00:12:03.039 --> 00:12:05.039 Like no, you tell me no, No, I've done that. 183 00:12:05.080 --> 00:12:09.000 I'm an involved man. I've made an appointment. Yet we've already said several 184 00:12:09.039 --> 00:12:11.480 things that show that you're evolved. I mean, even the fact that you 185 00:12:11.600 --> 00:12:16.080 recognize that children can put a big burden on right. But I didn't always 186 00:12:16.159 --> 00:12:22.080 And it's hard especially people now they get divorced and they try and date again, 187 00:12:22.120 --> 00:12:24.960 and you've got two sets of bulls eyes with two sets of families and 188 00:12:24.000 --> 00:12:28.440 two sets of ex's and all that. That is a lot more complicated now. 189 00:12:30.279 --> 00:12:35.799 But I think you know, the rise of the independent woman is complicated 190 00:12:35.279 --> 00:12:39.600 because if you want to be empowered and take ownership of that, you cannot 191 00:12:39.720 --> 00:12:43.000 blame the men for every single thing. Not to date this podcast too much. 192 00:12:43.240 --> 00:12:46.720 I always want to not bring any news, but everything's got to be 193 00:12:46.720 --> 00:12:50.279 evergreen. So as we record this, it's the day after the twenty twenty 194 00:12:50.279 --> 00:12:56.440 four Oscar nominations came out. Okay, Barbie, which I did a whole 195 00:12:56.559 --> 00:12:58.639 episode about about how I loved. Barbie was grave, It was very empowering. 196 00:12:58.679 --> 00:13:03.000 Whatever got, by any reasonable standard, lauded by the Academy. It 197 00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:11.080 got eight nominations, And all I see is that Ryan Gosling got nominated and 198 00:13:11.240 --> 00:13:13.879 Margot Robbie did not, and Greta Gerwig did not. First of all, 199 00:13:15.039 --> 00:13:18.960 Greta Gurry got three nominations, you just didn't get nominated in Director Director. 200 00:13:18.039 --> 00:13:22.639 Yeah, and Margot Robbie got nominated as producer for Best Picture. If I 201 00:13:22.679 --> 00:13:24.279 said to Margot Robbie, what do you want to be the business woman who 202 00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:28.960 put this billion dollar movie together? Or you want to acting nomination, which 203 00:13:28.960 --> 00:13:33.679 you've already got before. And Greta Gerwig also already gotten a nomination before as 204 00:13:33.720 --> 00:13:37.200 a director, she got for Lady Bird like five years ago. You can't 205 00:13:37.279 --> 00:13:41.120 tell me that it was. It's suddenly more sexist now than two tenty seventeen. 206 00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:43.679 It's like, didn't we learn anything from Barbie? And so this ramps 207 00:13:43.759 --> 00:13:48.480 up a dialogue that is unnecessary. You know, it's unnecessary. There's a 208 00:13:48.639 --> 00:13:52.600 million real examples of the patriarchy and how women are at trade fair whatever. 209 00:13:52.919 --> 00:13:54.679 This is not one of them. But because it's low hanging fruit and it's 210 00:13:54.679 --> 00:13:58.320 pop culture, and it seems very A plus B equal C. This dialogue 211 00:13:58.360 --> 00:14:01.799 is all over the internet. Well, I think also you bring in the 212 00:14:01.879 --> 00:14:05.480 fact that media sometimes we can be sheeps. So we see something out that 213 00:14:05.559 --> 00:14:09.240 gets posted out there, and they're a business, let's post it out there 214 00:14:09.279 --> 00:14:13.360 because they're trying to get our attention easy and they do. And I noticed, 215 00:14:13.440 --> 00:14:16.240 yeah, and we buy into that, and we buy into that very 216 00:14:16.360 --> 00:14:18.440 easily. And I think that's also some of where it comes from, is 217 00:14:18.519 --> 00:14:24.200 the misunderstanding of we see it. You know again, I'm on the individual 218 00:14:24.320 --> 00:14:28.600 therapy side. She's on the family and couple side of it. What's happening 219 00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:33.639 in reality is not what you're seeing in the media. And because people have 220 00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:39.879 constant access to whatever form of media they want, there's information that's being fed 221 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:46.279 about dating and relationships and marriage that might not necessarily be true of what's happening 222 00:14:46.360 --> 00:14:50.240 in reality. That's right, all right. I want to dive deeper into 223 00:14:50.399 --> 00:14:52.559 the therapy side of this and the questions that the people are asking. I 224 00:14:52.679 --> 00:14:56.360 take a quick break, because we have to pay for things like therapy around 225 00:14:56.399 --> 00:15:00.759 here. Doctor Christy and doctor Laura, they are from Slight saying they're a 226 00:15:00.799 --> 00:15:07.679 little more than that. But we will be back right after this, and 227 00:15:07.720 --> 00:15:11.039 I know you're gonna hate this question. We're back. What's the number one 228 00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:15.440 thing you deal with? Most of the women, mostly men fifty to fifty 229 00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:20.360 both. If it's about a relationship thing, the number one issue is what 230 00:15:22.720 --> 00:15:28.720 expectations and resentment also lack of spontaneity. And I don't think it's necessarily their 231 00:15:28.840 --> 00:15:31.200 fault. I think it's about the fact that, like you're saying, we 232 00:15:31.279 --> 00:15:35.320 have more responsibilities, we're scheduled more, and it takes the fun out of 233 00:15:35.360 --> 00:15:39.559 stuff. We mentioned it in one of our shows, where you can't just 234 00:15:39.639 --> 00:15:43.559 throw the kids somewhere quickly and say, okay, let's go, let's book 235 00:15:43.559 --> 00:15:46.559 a flight, will be gone for a week. You could do that. 236 00:15:48.120 --> 00:15:50.600 You could stay up late and drink if you're allowed to do you know, 237 00:15:50.679 --> 00:15:54.759 if that's okay. Now it's all gosh, I don't know. Maybe I 238 00:15:54.799 --> 00:15:58.200 should stop because I got to be up. The kids are going to be 239 00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:02.360 up at six. I don't want to feel that way, and it really 240 00:16:02.480 --> 00:16:06.360 does just put so much pressure on life, kills the spark. Yeah, 241 00:16:06.440 --> 00:16:11.799 it's fitting it in, okay, so we can be spontaneous. Saturday from 242 00:16:11.919 --> 00:16:15.840 a to that's not fun. No, So that's what I see on the 243 00:16:15.919 --> 00:16:21.200 individual side. Really, he can't do this, and yeah, life kills 244 00:16:21.279 --> 00:16:25.000 the spark. Spark kills this. No spark kills the spontaneity. And then 245 00:16:25.200 --> 00:16:30.120 spontaneity is about excitement, and if the excitement is out of your relationship, 246 00:16:30.159 --> 00:16:33.159 then it becomes routine. That's when I think you have to fall back on 247 00:16:33.399 --> 00:16:37.759 more conversations that it's sometimes difficult. But you know, I heard you say 248 00:16:37.799 --> 00:16:42.159 on one of your podcasts that you should over communicate, ask one too many 249 00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:47.559 questions versus one too few. Explain that. Well, what I'm seeing with 250 00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:49.240 couples who have been together for a long time, especially, is they make 251 00:16:49.279 --> 00:16:53.440 too many assumptions. They think they know the person, they think they know 252 00:16:53.639 --> 00:16:56.200 what the reaction is going to be. What. But but really, if 253 00:16:56.200 --> 00:17:00.120 you've been with someone for twenty years, you guys have grown right, Yeah, 254 00:17:00.200 --> 00:17:06.599 hopefully right, And so you can't make an assumption about Oh, I 255 00:17:06.680 --> 00:17:11.200 see that expression on his face means whatever, Maybe he's thinking about something about 256 00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:15.440 work. Why don't you ask him like ask instead of making an assumption that 257 00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:18.720 you then text him something nasty And now we're often running and you're right, 258 00:17:18.799 --> 00:17:22.720 But the challenge is asking in a way that isn't accusatory or does not make 259 00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:26.559 him feel accused. This and never use the word why. That is my 260 00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:30.960 rule. Never use the word why. What's the oh, that's good on 261 00:17:30.039 --> 00:17:34.799 the king of why? What is this substitute? If I'm ow I'm curious 262 00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:41.079 about how come I'm wondering? I notice like why a trigger word for couples? 263 00:17:41.279 --> 00:17:44.720 Why is a trigger word for everybody? If I set to you, 264 00:17:44.799 --> 00:17:48.400 Brian, why'd you do that? It almost sounds like it's mom getting ready 265 00:17:48.480 --> 00:17:52.799 to scolds. I do that as a boss. I do that all the 266 00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:53.880 time. I don't want to know what happened, and I want to know 267 00:17:53.960 --> 00:17:57.319 why it happened. People don't react well to why. I've tried to eliminate 268 00:17:57.400 --> 00:18:02.960 it, but some that's everything. But if you do it in a couple 269 00:18:03.079 --> 00:18:06.079 that it is acute story because a lot of times people don't speak up at 270 00:18:06.119 --> 00:18:11.160 all until it's too serious. If you're constantly trying to learn your partner and 271 00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:15.799 I drive my partner's crazy by you know, what was your favorite subject in 272 00:18:15.799 --> 00:18:18.640 school in fourth grade? And they're like, what do you care? And 273 00:18:18.720 --> 00:18:21.480 I'm like, I just feel I love that. I do. I want 274 00:18:21.559 --> 00:18:23.000 to know where you were in different aspects of life. I want to how 275 00:18:23.000 --> 00:18:26.720 you change. I want to like, I don't think you ever stopped learning 276 00:18:26.799 --> 00:18:30.559 your partner. Some people just feel either that's a part of me that I 277 00:18:30.599 --> 00:18:33.279 don't think about, it is gone, or it's too intrusive and I don't 278 00:18:33.319 --> 00:18:37.799 really understand that. I love that you said that because I just had someone 279 00:18:37.880 --> 00:18:41.319 bring that up. They're involved in a relationship with a person's like, let's 280 00:18:41.400 --> 00:18:44.000 just live in the present. I don't want to know anything about you. 281 00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:48.240 It may taint my opinion of you. And I'm thinking, really like that 282 00:18:48.480 --> 00:18:52.599 is like big red flag, Like I want to know everything about a person, 283 00:18:52.119 --> 00:18:56.039 know how you've grown, know where you're at now, Like how can 284 00:18:56.119 --> 00:19:00.440 you close off a whole wall of getting to know someone that shuts down your 285 00:19:00.480 --> 00:19:03.480 intimacy right there? Yeah, I really am, Like can we go see 286 00:19:03.519 --> 00:19:07.799 your high school or your hometown or where you grow up? I'm just curious. 287 00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:08.839 I think a lot of it now. If you have some dark memories 288 00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:11.359 and it's bad, that's he's pretty conversation, like I would rather not. 289 00:19:11.640 --> 00:19:17.119 But if their response is more like why what do you care? And I'm 290 00:19:17.240 --> 00:19:22.880 like, because I it helps me understand everything about you and sometimes you know, 291 00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:26.359 a lot of big part of us is are locked in seven year old 292 00:19:26.720 --> 00:19:30.400 Brian or whatever, and be able to comprehend that a little might let me 293 00:19:30.519 --> 00:19:36.200 understand you more. Yeah. And I also think too, we've become way 294 00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:41.720 more sensitive to things. We get offense, you know, offended by things 295 00:19:41.839 --> 00:19:45.440 too easily. Over correction, Yeah, yes, thank you. It went 296 00:19:45.519 --> 00:19:49.079 from here to there. I hope it goes to the middle sometime soon because 297 00:19:49.480 --> 00:19:53.599 that's also where the like you brought up, the over communication, that's where 298 00:19:53.640 --> 00:19:59.720 I find people are hesitant to communicate because they don't want to say anything that's 299 00:19:59.720 --> 00:20:02.400 going to piss off the partner. And I said it before, especially if 300 00:20:02.440 --> 00:20:04.960 you care about the relationship, so you just are like, well, and 301 00:20:06.039 --> 00:20:07.960 I always say, like, be happy that they asked the question. Because 302 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:11.279 they asked the question, they still care. If they don't ask the questions 303 00:20:11.319 --> 00:20:14.759 anymore, why did you do that? Whatever? Like they're checked out and 304 00:20:14.839 --> 00:20:17.799 they're gone, and then you're no man's land. So if they're constantly asking 305 00:20:17.880 --> 00:20:19.960 questions again, not in accusatory fashion, not like where were you last night? 306 00:20:19.960 --> 00:20:22.839 Who were you with? Like stuff like that, but if they're always 307 00:20:23.079 --> 00:20:29.000 trying to learn you, your behavior, the relationship, what can I do? 308 00:20:29.559 --> 00:20:32.920 You know, how can I make your day better? That's that's something 309 00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:34.400 that I'd never said in my life to Like five years ago, I heard 310 00:20:34.480 --> 00:20:37.680 somebody say it one of our live shows, like like, oh, that's 311 00:20:37.759 --> 00:20:40.720 good. That is what can I do to improve your d What can I 312 00:20:40.759 --> 00:20:42.160 do for you right now? I'm like, that's top notch. I need 313 00:20:42.200 --> 00:20:48.160 to use you know, And most of the time you're gonna get nothing like 314 00:20:48.240 --> 00:20:52.160 I'm good, nothing but the act of asking and trying, because a lot 315 00:20:52.200 --> 00:20:53.799 of times and you guys know that once it gets to the point where they 316 00:20:53.839 --> 00:20:57.920 got to call you and I know you can, you're not gonna want This 317 00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:02.319 is not good for business, it's too late. But there's a lot of 318 00:21:02.400 --> 00:21:06.960 times when you got to call earlier, a call before you hate them. 319 00:21:07.119 --> 00:21:11.759 And it's not even hate, because with hate there's still passion. Agree with 320 00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:15.880 ampathy, it's apathy. Oh yeah, apathy. If someone doesn't even care, 321 00:21:15.240 --> 00:21:18.680 if they've totally checked out, that's how you know it's over. Can 322 00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:22.440 you tell it's over before they can tell it's over, You're not. That's 323 00:21:22.480 --> 00:21:26.480 not your job. I can tell it's over. I can tell it's over, 324 00:21:27.759 --> 00:21:30.119 but then they won't come back if you say it. But sometimes I've 325 00:21:30.119 --> 00:21:33.880 said to them, look, guys, I think it's over. Like you're 326 00:21:33.000 --> 00:21:37.680 both communicating that you don't even love each other. It's over. Yeah, 327 00:21:37.799 --> 00:21:44.279 And that's one of the things. If there is a genuine, fundamental foundation 328 00:21:44.519 --> 00:21:48.440 of love, I've seen people through the years go through some shit and evolve 329 00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:55.160 and come out stronger because they do genuinely love that person. And a question 330 00:21:55.319 --> 00:21:56.759 that probably comes up with you, guys, is well, I don't understand 331 00:21:56.839 --> 00:22:00.240 how they could do or say that if they love me and they say they 332 00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:04.359 love me, and those aren't necessarily related things, right equivalent? No, 333 00:22:04.640 --> 00:22:07.200 not at all. And I always say the opposite of love is hurt, 334 00:22:07.480 --> 00:22:12.319 you know, if you love someone that much. Unfortunately we do, like 335 00:22:12.440 --> 00:22:15.400 it or not, we hurt the people that are closest to us. We 336 00:22:15.480 --> 00:22:21.079 hurt our loved ones, they see us raw, whether we're that's that vulnerability 337 00:22:21.160 --> 00:22:23.720 stuff, which I hate that you know me like, I'm no, you 338 00:22:23.799 --> 00:22:29.640 know, but that's the part where it's so hard for people to if you 339 00:22:30.039 --> 00:22:33.880 really really love that person, to be vulnerable to them hurting you and they 340 00:22:33.920 --> 00:22:37.920 don't even meet. We're all human beings. We've been through shit. We're 341 00:22:37.960 --> 00:22:41.880 not perfect. We're not perfect, and so it's just a part of the 342 00:22:42.000 --> 00:22:48.599 process and you have to really forgive one another and work through it because it's 343 00:22:48.720 --> 00:22:53.119 just it's just a there. In my opinion, there's not going to be 344 00:22:53.200 --> 00:22:59.720 a relationship at least from what I've seen, where it's easy. Sometimes people 345 00:22:59.799 --> 00:23:02.640 think if the relationship is easy, that's the one that's meant to be. 346 00:23:02.880 --> 00:23:04.880 I don't believe that. I don't know what your opinion is on it. 347 00:23:04.920 --> 00:23:08.079 It's that easy. You're not communicating, and that's what I'm saying. So 348 00:23:08.279 --> 00:23:11.240 you're going to go through some shit and you're going to hurt each other, 349 00:23:11.519 --> 00:23:14.079 right And sometimes you know, I've been guilty of this too. We look 350 00:23:14.200 --> 00:23:17.720 to, you know, earlier generations and say like, oh, you guys 351 00:23:17.759 --> 00:23:21.720 been married eighty five years, what's the secret and why are you so happy? 352 00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:26.960 It was a different time and maybe if they met now, she would 353 00:23:26.000 --> 00:23:33.319 be more career oriented. Social media might have anything could happen, and however 354 00:23:33.400 --> 00:23:37.200 they did things in nineteen fifty eight might not be relevant sixty five years later, 355 00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:41.599 you know, But eighty five years or however long they're married doesn't mean 356 00:23:41.640 --> 00:23:45.720 it's eighty five happy years. Some people are united in their misery, that 357 00:23:45.680 --> 00:23:48.400 true. Or they know how to navigate, or they know how to put 358 00:23:48.400 --> 00:23:53.880 a face on for the world. I saw a couple He's dead. I'll 359 00:23:53.880 --> 00:23:56.680 say it one time. I'll say now, Regisphilbin and his wife. They 360 00:23:56.720 --> 00:24:00.720 were sitting at a brunch and they're sitting at the same side of the table, 361 00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:06.680 and they're each reading a newspaper. And I was trying to figure out, 362 00:24:07.000 --> 00:24:10.680 do they hate each other so they're both married in their paper, Are 363 00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:14.720 they're married to their newspaper and not communicating, or are they so comfortable with 364 00:24:14.799 --> 00:24:18.559 each other that this was their sharing time doing the same thing, you know. 365 00:24:18.799 --> 00:24:22.359 And I was like, I couldn't ask them. And I was like, 366 00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:26.960 that's such a fascinating could go either way depending on how I was feeling 367 00:24:27.039 --> 00:24:30.039 to interpret that. My first instinct was bad and then it was good, 368 00:24:30.039 --> 00:24:33.400 and then I'm like, huh, this is complicated. And so that's what 369 00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:37.039 I'm saying. We look at other people and other couples and other situations and 370 00:24:37.119 --> 00:24:41.599 you really have no idea versus what's going on beyond the snapshot. And that's 371 00:24:41.640 --> 00:24:45.480 what I would say too, I think we have to throw away other people's 372 00:24:45.559 --> 00:24:51.279 expectations of how our relationships should be. Friends are great when you're growing through 373 00:24:51.279 --> 00:24:52.680 stuff in your relationship, but at the end of the day, they're not 374 00:24:52.759 --> 00:24:56.279 the one living in your house and away they're typically going to have your back. 375 00:24:57.359 --> 00:25:02.359 You have to decide for yourself you're willing to deal with because you love 376 00:25:02.440 --> 00:25:04.480 that person and what you're not. I don't even think we can tell that 377 00:25:06.279 --> 00:25:08.599 person. Once they give us those parameters, we can say, well, 378 00:25:08.680 --> 00:25:14.000 here's what I recommend to be effective in that. Because we're seeing on also 379 00:25:14.279 --> 00:25:18.799 media the way other people are living their lives, we think that something is 380 00:25:18.839 --> 00:25:22.279 wrong with our relationship. I've seen it all. I've seen so many different 381 00:25:22.839 --> 00:25:26.680 variations of what a relationship could be. And as long as it's according to 382 00:25:26.759 --> 00:25:32.200 the parameters that you and your partner or partners or whatever you know, are 383 00:25:32.279 --> 00:25:37.279 setting forth, okay, screw what everybody else says about your relationship. Well, 384 00:25:37.319 --> 00:25:41.279 that's why I'm always against these people who make these checklists. People make 385 00:25:41.319 --> 00:25:44.279 these checklists of like I need these five or six things that I'm good. 386 00:25:44.920 --> 00:25:48.200 There's a list of a thousand things that might make it not good. You 387 00:25:48.279 --> 00:25:49.440 know, it's a very short list of this is what I want. Well, 388 00:25:49.480 --> 00:25:52.759 I'm like, okay, what about these thousand things? Oh, I'm 389 00:25:52.839 --> 00:25:56.319 thought about those. Those are very specific or whatever. You have to just 390 00:25:56.480 --> 00:26:02.400 kind of ride a wave of a relationship and really trying to improve your confidence 391 00:26:02.480 --> 00:26:06.839 in what you're doing in this situation and your ability to communicate and your communication 392 00:26:07.160 --> 00:26:10.920 and your ability to stem it off before it gets too late, because once 393 00:26:10.960 --> 00:26:14.799 it gets to that whatever the word you want to use is no, not 394 00:26:14.920 --> 00:26:18.920 anger. What was the word you use before? Epathy? Apathy? That 395 00:26:18.039 --> 00:26:23.519 I don't care anymore? And then you're just sharing space and you've gone not 396 00:26:23.799 --> 00:26:29.720 just from husband wife to mom and dad, you've gone from future divorces when 397 00:26:29.759 --> 00:26:33.559 the kids are out of the house. That's a tough way to spend two 398 00:26:33.799 --> 00:26:37.319 five, seven, ten years, you know. Yes, And I think 399 00:26:37.359 --> 00:26:41.039 even when couples fight or partners, whatever term you want to, it's your 400 00:26:41.079 --> 00:26:44.960 life. Use whatever term you want to with your life. I don't really 401 00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:48.920 care. Matthew mcconnie, and I can't remember is his wife's name Camilla, 402 00:26:49.640 --> 00:26:53.519 right, Tamilla Elvis. Yeah. He they came out and they said, 403 00:26:53.599 --> 00:26:57.240 look, it's we love each other. That means we're going to get hurt 404 00:26:57.279 --> 00:27:02.799 by each other. Sometimes people fight, okay, as long as you just 405 00:27:02.920 --> 00:27:07.319 remember the quiet niceties that show the person you're still in the relationship together, 406 00:27:07.880 --> 00:27:11.720 even if you're in a moment where you may not like each other that much. 407 00:27:11.279 --> 00:27:15.440 Like he she always makes I think it's she always makes his tea, 408 00:27:15.720 --> 00:27:19.279 So even if they've had a fight in the morning, they still make sure 409 00:27:19.359 --> 00:27:22.279 that that's the thing and then they can go their own way. But that's 410 00:27:22.319 --> 00:27:27.319 at least the signal. Also for couples, I find is okay, right, 411 00:27:27.400 --> 00:27:32.319 everybody sometimes has to go to their corners to stay effective. But still 412 00:27:32.440 --> 00:27:36.839 certain things you can say to show I'm still in this, yeah, and 413 00:27:36.960 --> 00:27:40.680 if you fundamentally. I did a whole episode about this last year me the 414 00:27:41.119 --> 00:27:47.079 five things that I need, they're all words from my partner. I need, 415 00:27:47.160 --> 00:27:48.359 good morning, good night, I'm sorry, thank you, and I 416 00:27:48.480 --> 00:27:52.160 love you. And I talked about how what I needed on that list has 417 00:27:52.279 --> 00:27:57.319 changed over the last ten years, like I love Houston, maybe first because 418 00:27:57.359 --> 00:28:00.920 I didn't think I had enough of that in my life, and then to 419 00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:03.160 change, I need thank you, I need appreciation, now I need I'm 420 00:28:03.279 --> 00:28:07.279 sorry because that one takes the most. That's the most meaningful thing to me 421 00:28:07.400 --> 00:28:11.599 if somebody recognizes in some way. And these are very simple concepts, so 422 00:28:11.799 --> 00:28:15.079 it's like, oh, if I can't get the bare minimum of those things 423 00:28:15.160 --> 00:28:18.279 like good morning and good night, seem reasonable. But some people are like, 424 00:28:18.720 --> 00:28:22.680 I shouldn't have to change my behavior because of your needs. Ouch yeah 425 00:28:22.920 --> 00:28:27.000 ouch. But some people are like that, like I'm not I'm get up 426 00:28:27.079 --> 00:28:30.200 late and I'm tired. I don't like to say good morning like whatever. 427 00:28:30.279 --> 00:28:33.279 You you know, so you have to sort of marry that too, like, 428 00:28:33.440 --> 00:28:37.039 okay, well, is there another way that I can get whatever that 429 00:28:37.279 --> 00:28:40.680 word symbolized, Because it's not about the word, it's about the recognition of 430 00:28:41.519 --> 00:28:42.920 you're a part of my day in my life, and I'm going to say 431 00:28:44.079 --> 00:28:48.240 something to acknowledge that. Early on people will be like, well, that's 432 00:28:48.279 --> 00:28:52.440 wildly insecure of you, probably, but we're in a relationship, so you 433 00:28:52.480 --> 00:28:53.960 know, you kind of got to look at it that way. Do that 434 00:28:55.039 --> 00:29:00.599 makes sense? And doctor, what do you think about differentiation of self in 435 00:29:02.000 --> 00:29:04.680 relationships? Because sometimes what's the couple? What's the individual? Exactly? That 436 00:29:04.960 --> 00:29:07.960 you don't have to do everything together and if you don't that doesn't mean something's 437 00:29:07.960 --> 00:29:11.640 wrong. Well, I heard you guys talk about this out a prior concast. 438 00:29:11.720 --> 00:29:14.680 But a lot of couples who are completely happy and madly in love just 439 00:29:14.720 --> 00:29:18.079 don't sleep in the same bed. The sleep divorsia. Yeah, I think 440 00:29:18.119 --> 00:29:21.160 you got to sleep in the same bed, tough it out. But some 441 00:29:21.559 --> 00:29:23.039 very happy people are like, listen, he's not a good sleeper, she's 442 00:29:23.039 --> 00:29:25.960 not a good sleeper, or a different pattern. She kicks me, he 443 00:29:26.000 --> 00:29:30.640 snores, whatever and the other. You know, sixteen hours in the day, 444 00:29:30.680 --> 00:29:33.119 we're not sleeping, we're madly in love. I don't know. It's 445 00:29:33.119 --> 00:29:36.359 got a good a chance to work as anything else. Prior generations, a 446 00:29:36.440 --> 00:29:38.440 lot of them slept in the same bed, in different beds, different rooms, 447 00:29:38.480 --> 00:29:41.480 different everything, right. I mean, I have my own opinion about 448 00:29:41.480 --> 00:29:45.759 that. I think what makes what I talked to couples about is Look, 449 00:29:45.839 --> 00:29:49.799 the one thing that makes you guys different from friends on the street is that 450 00:29:49.880 --> 00:29:53.039 you're intimate together. Mm hmm. You share a bed together, right, 451 00:29:53.880 --> 00:29:56.839 so, and never mind what's going on in the bed, do you share 452 00:29:56.880 --> 00:30:00.240 the bed together? Yeah? So ending your day in charting your day with 453 00:30:00.400 --> 00:30:06.240 that person's already sets them apart. As you're my special person. I completely 454 00:30:06.279 --> 00:30:10.480 agree with you. A lot of people are like, well, it's not 455 00:30:10.559 --> 00:30:14.400 that important to us, Okay, They then have to find another way to 456 00:30:14.559 --> 00:30:21.240 match the intimacy of eight hours hopefully a night in a you know, forty 457 00:30:21.279 --> 00:30:25.559 eight inch space together. Whether even if you're not cuddling or touching or whatever 458 00:30:25.759 --> 00:30:30.480 like that matters to me, that that matters, But I don't know. 459 00:30:30.720 --> 00:30:33.480 Yeah, like, if you put it. I think we also said too, 460 00:30:33.559 --> 00:30:37.799 if you make the priority throughout the rest of the day instead of putting 461 00:30:37.839 --> 00:30:41.119 all the weight on that time in the room because the kids are now asleep 462 00:30:41.279 --> 00:30:45.240 or whatever else is going on, you know, you finally put the work 463 00:30:45.359 --> 00:30:49.119 down and now can turn into personal life. It may or may not have 464 00:30:49.319 --> 00:30:52.680 less weight that sleeping concept, but again, it all goes for me. 465 00:30:52.920 --> 00:30:59.160 It all goes down to what weight that has on how much does that mean 466 00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:03.559 to their relation relationship? Well, you know, I as we record this, 467 00:31:03.599 --> 00:31:06.039 we're pretty close to Valentine's Day and a lot of people ask my opinion 468 00:31:06.039 --> 00:31:07.599 on Valentine's Day, and I'm like, if you do the other three hundred 469 00:31:07.599 --> 00:31:11.759 and sixty four days pretty well, you probably don't need Valentine's Day. And 470 00:31:11.839 --> 00:31:14.319 then people say to me like, well, no, it's special to get 471 00:31:14.400 --> 00:31:17.119 something on Valentine's Day. I'm like, would you rather get flowers on February 472 00:31:17.160 --> 00:31:21.200 fourteenth or August second? Just because? And I'm like, I just want 473 00:31:21.240 --> 00:31:23.200 to It's no reason, here's the flowers or I'm supposed to do this. 474 00:31:23.799 --> 00:31:26.400 You know a lot of people don't agree with that. They're like, you 475 00:31:26.519 --> 00:31:30.119 don't understand and the way, and I could be wrong and everybody's different, 476 00:31:30.240 --> 00:31:33.759 but I'm like, I'd rather do it because I want to, not because 477 00:31:33.759 --> 00:31:37.680 I'm supposed to. And that's where the communication piece comes in. But you 478 00:31:37.720 --> 00:31:41.519 know, what people forget and what I structure for people is that there's there's 479 00:31:41.759 --> 00:31:45.480 you, there's me, and then there's the relationship as its own entity. 480 00:31:45.160 --> 00:31:49.799 And so we have to care for that relationship as if it's like that third 481 00:31:49.880 --> 00:31:56.000 person in the relationship. If you're not coming up with ways to nurture that 482 00:31:56.279 --> 00:32:00.079 and grow that, your individual needs are going to to pull you guys apart. 483 00:32:00.480 --> 00:32:02.920 And like you said, one of the coolest things you did say on 484 00:32:04.000 --> 00:32:07.640 that episode was the two of your co CEOs, and that helps to say 485 00:32:07.759 --> 00:32:12.119 you're both important, you both hold weight right, and you are, you 486 00:32:12.200 --> 00:32:15.160 know, co head of the house, but being able to define the roles 487 00:32:16.319 --> 00:32:21.079 again. As we move into twenty four and beyond, things are a little 488 00:32:21.079 --> 00:32:23.599 more complicated, especially you have two working parents and as something as simple as 489 00:32:23.720 --> 00:32:29.200 like, you know, who takes out the garbage should be him, but 490 00:32:29.880 --> 00:32:31.359 you know who have to use the dishwasher should be the kids. You know, 491 00:32:31.559 --> 00:32:36.039 there's a lot of things, but these are discussions that you have to 492 00:32:36.440 --> 00:32:38.920 You know, there are still a lot of women today and not to judge 493 00:32:38.920 --> 00:32:43.519 relationships, who get an allowance and then they're like, I don't have access 494 00:32:43.599 --> 00:32:45.160 to the money. How do I even get divorced? How do I even 495 00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:47.759 go seek help? How do I even do anything with my two hundred dollars 496 00:32:47.759 --> 00:32:52.559 a week? You know that's disturbing. Yeah, but it's still a thing. 497 00:32:53.279 --> 00:32:58.400 And I think if you establish trust early on and communicate and then like 498 00:32:58.480 --> 00:33:01.640 this is important to me, you wropped the prenup earlier, Like I would 499 00:33:01.759 --> 00:33:05.680 never make somebody easy for me to say I don't have a one hundred million 500 00:33:05.720 --> 00:33:07.720 dollars, but sign up because I'm like, this is part of the gamble. 501 00:33:08.440 --> 00:33:12.720 I want to know that you to know that I'm all in And if 502 00:33:12.759 --> 00:33:15.839 this doesn't work, I crap out and this lose. Is that important? 503 00:33:15.079 --> 00:33:17.200 Again, I don't know one hundred million dollars and a bunch of lawyers. 504 00:33:17.440 --> 00:33:23.440 So no, it's true. Like you're saying, there's financial stressors, kid 505 00:33:23.519 --> 00:33:28.559 stressors, work stressors, time stressors, to time. There's not enough time, 506 00:33:28.640 --> 00:33:31.160 like we said actually in our recording earlier, and you're trying to manage 507 00:33:31.400 --> 00:33:36.680 all of that. In life, it's just hard. It's hard, and 508 00:33:37.119 --> 00:33:38.960 shit happens all the time, you know, Like I say, life is 509 00:33:39.000 --> 00:33:45.359 a four letter word and it's just hard. So the number one piece of 510 00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:49.799 advice or the thing you say most commonly to people who come see you, 511 00:33:49.960 --> 00:33:52.880 is there one thing that you're like almost everybody I have to tell them to 512 00:33:52.000 --> 00:33:55.559 remember to do this? Is there one thing? Or is that too vague? 513 00:33:55.839 --> 00:33:59.440 No, I'm going to let doctor lor go first because she's the expert 514 00:33:59.480 --> 00:34:04.039 in this stuff. Complacency, don't get complacent. Don't get complacent. As 515 00:34:04.079 --> 00:34:07.839 soon as you guys take advantage of each other, it's over. And how 516 00:34:07.880 --> 00:34:10.679 do you identify complacency? How do you Complacency is when you're not putting in 517 00:34:10.760 --> 00:34:15.280 the effort, when you are making the assumption that things are just going to 518 00:34:15.519 --> 00:34:20.800 roll along as they always do without making the effort to show your partner that 519 00:34:20.960 --> 00:34:23.719 they are special to you. They hold a different role than just the average 520 00:34:23.800 --> 00:34:27.360 Joe and Starbucks. So you have to take a regular sort of temperature of 521 00:34:27.400 --> 00:34:31.079 yourself like this is absolutely, absolutely that's good. And stop with the tit 522 00:34:31.159 --> 00:34:36.880 for tat, stop keeping school well you do, I know, never wear. 523 00:34:37.119 --> 00:34:43.760 I would say, just throw out the expectations that other people put on 524 00:34:43.880 --> 00:34:47.000 your relationship. It's your life. Live it according to your and your partner's 525 00:34:47.119 --> 00:34:52.440 terms, because anything works these days. And that's the other thing I say, 526 00:34:52.519 --> 00:34:57.760 too, is great, fantastic. We hopefully you do have friends that 527 00:34:57.840 --> 00:35:01.000 you can share all the trials and tribulations of your relationships with. At the 528 00:35:01.079 --> 00:35:05.199 same time, you're the one that, again that's living in that house. 529 00:35:05.679 --> 00:35:07.079 You have to decide what's going to work for you and what's not going to 530 00:35:07.119 --> 00:35:09.679 work for you, because you're always going to find someone that's going to judge 531 00:35:09.719 --> 00:35:13.920 it. That's just the way the world is, where we can be very 532 00:35:14.079 --> 00:35:19.400 judgy about what we think. This couple's happy, that couple is married. 533 00:35:20.239 --> 00:35:23.840 I've also known people who live according to their own labels too, meaning you 534 00:35:23.880 --> 00:35:28.400 could use the term married and not legally be married. It's a mentality. 535 00:35:29.119 --> 00:35:31.280 It's not just a legal thing. It's a mentality thing too. And if 536 00:35:31.760 --> 00:35:35.119 you and your partner are okay with that, go with it. That's a 537 00:35:35.159 --> 00:35:37.639 good point. All right, you're married, but you are dating. So 538 00:35:37.760 --> 00:35:42.719 we play something called worst date or first date. So you have to either 539 00:35:42.800 --> 00:35:44.760 give us and this could go back to the old days. To go back 540 00:35:44.800 --> 00:35:47.639 to now, either the worst date you've ever had or the best first date 541 00:35:47.719 --> 00:35:52.519 you've ever had. Your choice, Oh god, I have to do the 542 00:35:52.039 --> 00:35:58.599 worst person That was the funner one in probable because there's so many of them. 543 00:35:59.800 --> 00:36:01.320 There's a book coming out about it, and my mother keeps saying, 544 00:36:01.360 --> 00:36:07.800 I need to write a book about this. Probably going out on a date 545 00:36:07.960 --> 00:36:13.159 with someone and him letting me know that he was using the date as a 546 00:36:13.280 --> 00:36:16.280 way to find out whether he was really bisexual or not. Oh no, 547 00:36:16.840 --> 00:36:21.400 like he wanted professional help he knew what you did, or he wanted to 548 00:36:21.400 --> 00:36:24.000 know if he was attracted. He wanted both a little bit of both. 549 00:36:24.199 --> 00:36:27.559 Like, okay, pressure on a girl, it's a lot of pressure. 550 00:36:28.760 --> 00:36:31.320 Yeah, look at Christy, She's like, holy hell, how would not 551 00:36:31.400 --> 00:36:36.400 handle that? No, it didn't look. Oh, I've never heard We've 552 00:36:36.400 --> 00:36:38.079 asked this hundreds of times. I've never heard that. Wow, that's that's 553 00:36:38.119 --> 00:36:42.639 a show stopped. And what was the and well, what was the outcome? 554 00:36:43.480 --> 00:36:45.480 Uh? The outcome was that he was bisexual, but not with me. 555 00:36:49.159 --> 00:36:52.280 Not with me? Oh wow, you're the best. Do you want 556 00:36:52.280 --> 00:36:55.079 to play? It's been too long since I did. It's the only thing 557 00:36:55.119 --> 00:37:00.039 I'm going to share is a funny story that uh, one of a client 558 00:37:00.159 --> 00:37:05.639 said a long time ago about the fact that you know, went on a 559 00:37:05.760 --> 00:37:10.480 date, went back to the house. He came in. She immediately said, 560 00:37:10.519 --> 00:37:13.559 are you guys going to take care Are you going to take care of 561 00:37:13.679 --> 00:37:15.679 us? Meeting me and the meeting her and the dogs. And he was 562 00:37:15.800 --> 00:37:19.519 just like, okay, time to go. Yep, time to go. 563 00:37:20.079 --> 00:37:23.639 So that might not have been a successful date. Maybe everybody just take your 564 00:37:23.719 --> 00:37:28.800 time, get you know, all right, it's okay. Breathe a little 565 00:37:28.840 --> 00:37:31.360 bit. This is fun. I feel saner and smarter. Tell everybody where 566 00:37:31.360 --> 00:37:36.159 they can find you and your podcast. All right, So we are the 567 00:37:36.239 --> 00:37:39.559 slightly same podcast on Apple, Spotify, wherever you download your podcast. We 568 00:37:39.639 --> 00:37:45.800 are on YouTube. Get all the visual of doctor Christy cracking up. I 569 00:37:45.880 --> 00:37:49.360 can't hold it together on it. It's really funny. So we are on 570 00:37:49.519 --> 00:37:54.039 YouTube and please email us at Slightly Same Podcast at gmail dot com for questions, 571 00:37:54.159 --> 00:37:59.719 comments, and overall good wishes. Yeah good, You guys are awesome 572 00:38:00.079 --> 00:38:04.119 as far as us as always, Please like, share, follow, and 573 00:38:04.320 --> 00:38:08.360 review this podcast and review the Slightly Sane Podcast all this time later. Your 574 00:38:08.400 --> 00:38:13.360 reviews mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem. Shoot us an email Great Lovedebate 575 00:38:13.400 --> 00:38:16.719 at gmail dot com for question thoughts, concerns, breakup stories, or things 576 00:38:16.800 --> 00:38:22.559 you want me to pass along to the good doctors and a reminder coming up 577 00:38:22.679 --> 00:38:25.800 and again, if you're listening to this in August or twenty twenty seven, 578 00:38:27.079 --> 00:38:31.679 you missed it. But our big tenth anniversary live show, the tenth anniversary 579 00:38:31.719 --> 00:38:37.039 show of our ten years since our first show, is right down I ninety 580 00:38:37.079 --> 00:38:39.280 five at the Boca black Box Center for the Arts bokwor Tone, Florida. 581 00:38:39.440 --> 00:38:44.519 Tickets are on sale for that at Boca Blackbox dot com and Greatlovedebate dot com. 582 00:38:44.599 --> 00:38:46.159 It's going to be wild. The shit show that is dating in South 583 00:38:46.199 --> 00:38:52.320 Florida will be on full display there because as always, at the Great love 584 00:38:52.400 --> 00:39:00.880 debate. We never stop making love. See you next time. The Great 585 00:39:01.199 --> 00:39:08.000 love debate is the great love debate, the great love to be. It's 586 00:39:08.039 --> 00:39:09.239 the great love to be.