This is pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great Love Debate. It's
the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debase.
Hi again, everyone's Brian how We welcome to the Great Love Debate,
the world's number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am back
here in the very fine studios of Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. I'm
the one in Palm Beach Gardens, which is very lovely. I don't come
to this one a month enough, but tis the season here and it's it's
it's game on in Palm Beach Gardens. At the beginning of the show,
every time I do the show, I say the words dating and relationship.
In some ways, dating should really to relationship. They do have their own
sort of universes that they exist in. So one of the things that we
hear, especially at our live shows, is that dating has gotten more difficult.
And you could make that argument in some ways, there's some things that
have made it difficult. In a lot of ways, dating is easier.
In a lot of ways, dating is how it always was. Guy girl
sniffing around each other, have a drink and hope to make out in the
parking lot like it really hasn't. Evaulved a lot from that. The mechanism
and how we get there is ever. Relationships, though, I believe,
have gotten more difficult, and there's a lot of reasons for that, And
because I am only semi competent at laying out those reasons, I brought in
a couple of pros here today. You're going to help us a little bit
with the dating side, but a lot of the relationship side, what we're
doing right, what we're doing wrong, And a big part of this is
about why things have changed to make relationships difficult. They are the hosts of
the Slightly Saane podcast. I think they're mostly sane, and so the part
that is not quite saying is the entertaining part. Here. They brought their
own pillows to sit in the chair. It's very luxurious. Doctor Christy and
doctor Laura. How are you two doctors in the house. Hello, Brian,
how are you? Good morning, Brian. It's so good to be
here. I've made this point before on this show, and I've heard you
make this point before that this idea of trying to fall fall in love with
somebody and make them your soulmate and spend fifty years happily ever after together is
in the in the you know, sort of concept of time, like a
blink of an eye. In terms of time, we're maybe two hundred and
three hundred years into that. Life expectancy used to be, you know,
thirty, you'd you'd meet, you'd farm, you'd breed, you'd die,
and that was it. And then it I think it evolved into families.
Swapping a guy or a girl for each other might have been a trade.
We'll call it matchmaking in a way, but a little bit it was like
a a It was a legal thing. And then somewhere on the line despite
if you want to go back to you know, Anthony Klaypatrick and Romeo and
Juliet and all those if you if you want to come into to now only
in you know, the wedding vows were only written through or four hundred years
ago. This idea of like we're gonna meet, we're gonna fall in love,
we're gonna and the world has changed tremendously. Life expectancy has changed.
You're around with your kids a lot longer, financial responsibilities. In the last
twenty years, obviously, gender roles have shifted and all of that leads to
communication breakdown, confidence breakdown, but sometimes in a breakdown of a relationship that
might not have happened in sixteen twenty two that reasonable setup. Definitely, definitely
yep. So why do you Let's let's start with the premise. The premise
is, I think relationships are more difficult because life is more complicated than it
used to be. You kind of knew what you had to do as the
guy. You knew what you had to do as the girl. You're together
for certain reasons, not that long, and it worked out very Rarely were
two people together for sixty years, happy and monogamously. And now you involve
all of the things. Even if we want to get into the last ten
years, where you're talking about women working more outside of the house and then
you have to deal with childcare and you have to do that, there's pressure
and exhaustion and financial responsibilities and a lot of things that lead to fights,
anger, resentment, lack of communication, all those things that I don't think
bode well to making things last. So I think, well, I know
this is your job. People come to this all the time, and are
you just like that's just the way it is, or living in twenty twenty
four and you don't like it, go back to the fifteen hundreds. I
don't know. Oh, I think that's a complicated. Well. First,
first of all, I can say full disclosure, I'm dating Christie is not
yes, I'm married. Yes. So there's the first hand knowledge and then
there's the intellectual book knowledge. I think the intellectual book knowledge says one thing.
But being out there in the dating world, I will say it's a
shit show. It is. It is, absolutely, it has changed,
not necessarily for the better. Is you were you were married, that was
so you were out there in your when was your single time. I'm not
gonna say how old you are now, but in your twenties were dating?
I was dating? Yeah, I was dating in my twenties. And now
you're back out there post divorce. What is changed to you? First of
all, expectations have changed, apps have changed, there's have changed everything.
There is more confusion about who does what, yes, for sure, yes,
who initiates the first contact, who does the calling? Listen and snapchat
and all of those things have made it so much more complicated. We read
into everything he left me undelivered, he doesn't like me. Well, maybe
he's busy. We didn't used to have We didn't know even twenty years ago,
that wasn't a thing that led to a score like a snap score.
Well, listen, he didn't answer me, but his snapscore is going up,
which means he's snapping somebody else besides me. What the hell is a
snap stack? Exactly? Stay married? Yeah, yeah, but that he
left me on. These were adding technology into this, adding an angst and
worry over this. I agree with you on that. The who does what
whatever? I talk about this to death since the very first time we started
this show, is that the blurring of the traditional gender roles is a wonderful
thing in every aspect of society except for dating, because it has left two
or three generations of people having to change the way they went about everything right
in the middle of the ocean. You know, I think it's got a
better chance to work if it's if it's still the way most people over thirty
started doing this. He asked her out. He pays, he picks you
up. I can't pick you up anymore. He might be a serial killer.
We were serial killers in the nineties, and you let us pick us
up. Yeah, we just you didn't watch as much like we couldn't google
it and we didn't watch date lines. Right, But you bring that up.
You know more now about anybody you go out with, if you do
your homework, than you ever did thirty years ago. So maybe I'm unsafe
I don't google people. Well maybe, but thirty years ago he had a
pen and a napkin at two o'clock in the morning, you took your number
and you're like, you have to pick me up. You have to pick
me up. It was like required. Now you're like, I don't want
him to see where I live. Well, if he's a psycho, he's
gonna find out where you live. And if he's a psycho, he's probably
gonna hide it for five dates or thirty days or whatever. There's fear based
dating, which I talked about a lot of my last podcast. I got
a ton of feedback on that. But it's about communication. Commerce breakdown and
you take these things into the relationships. Once you get into the relationships,
I think then it's like who does this? Who does that? Yes?
How do you split the ink? You know, two working people, we're
gonna buy How does this work? You know? I wonder very successful people
who are very wealthy and they get together, like like Jennifer Lopez and Ben
Affleck, how do they handle like just buying a piece of property? Went
to buy a house? Like I got this one? Like, how does
that conversation even go? Are they both donating into a third party trust which
they probably are a bunch of lawyers and stuff. That's not the most romantic
way to do things either. Neither is a prenup. But the no.
But I think what you're talking about is we do well with My personal opinion
is we do well with clean lines, meaning this is you, this is
that, this is your role as housewife. I'm not trying to say clearly,
I don't. I mean I was trained to be a professional, not
be a house wife or a house mom. But I agree with you.
It confused. It was the start of the confusion of Okay, if you
work, and you work, who's now responsible for picking up the kids?
Who takes the trash out? Do you pay for this? Do you pay
for the mortgage? Do you pay for the car? And because say what
you want and I'm not a dad, so I'm just guessing at this.
It's always going to be way harder on the mom. It is yes,
the mom has a shoulders a big part of the logistical and emotional burden of
the children they is. And sometimes then that negatively affects the wildly insecure husband
man because he's not getting the attention that he needs from her, because she's
just exhausted from chasing around four year old all day long. And that is
something that you're not prepared for because back when you were just dating, it
was mostly about fun because the stakes were lower. We laughed and we went
on this trip and we got drunk, and we had look at our match
look at our matching Halloween costumes and whatever. And then you morph into this
different phase of life which really has nothing to do with what got you together
in the first place. I was just having this conversation with a couple yesterday.
I think the danger to any relationship is complacency. You gotta if you
started off as friends, right, you should be treating each other as friends
throughout the course of the relationship. So it shouldn't be your job as garbage.
My job is garbage. If you walk past the garbage, take the
freaking garbage out. Just take it out. But again, the expectations,
the expectations are confusing to people, especially if you were raised in a household
that was traditional and now your own household is not necessarily quote unquote traditional.
You're really confused. My mother was not allowed to work, and I think
she and that too. I think she's like, I could have had a
second act in life. My father was like, no, this is your
role very traditional. I saw you know the prose of that. As a
son, you had your mother around, do whatever you wanted. But there's
also part of her wasn't living her full life. And you get together at
twenty thirty forty, and I've said this a million times, like I didn't
know who I was at thirty. I'm supposed to know who you are,
and I was supposed to commit that you're going to grow along with me.
I was at this event last night and this woman, she was in her
fifties, and she's complaining about dating, and she's like, you need to
accept me as I am. I'm like, why are you as you are?
You just finished? Are you like locked? Nothing is going to change
about you. I'm sorry. That's bs when somebody says that that's your excuse.
They didn't appreciate me for who I am. They wouldn't take me as
I am. You should. Every date encounter, neew relationship should change you,
hopefully positively, that you're taking something forward and you're not so set in
your ways because all you know is what did not work out. This is
like the angry female that is and the angry male, which is destroying dating.
I have to just set it is destroying dating because you have people who
are coming in with that attitude, which I'm rigid. Take me as I
am, this is it. You don't like me, screw off. Sorry,
you're not getting any dates. You're just not the Yeah, I agree,
and this whole you know, the men are not perfect by handy meil.
Neither are the women, I agree, But there are I think more
men out there trying to do the work, trying to be curious, trying
to ask the questions, trying to learn her than ever before. Out.
No, well, look, I think because our roles have changed a lot,
the room for growth is more on that side. So yeah, there's
a little bit more effort being seen. You see couples, right, yeah,
she does. I'm the individual side are men. So you've been doing
this, you know, it's that's my wise boyfriend. Girls and they come
in. Are the men more amenable to coming in or they all seem like
they're kicking and screaming like fifteen years ago, Like are they making the appointments?
Like no, you tell me no, No, I've done that.
I'm an involved man. I've made an appointment. Yet we've already said several
things that show that you're evolved. I mean, even the fact that you
recognize that children can put a big burden on right. But I didn't always
And it's hard especially people now they get divorced and they try and date again,
and you've got two sets of bulls eyes with two sets of families and
two sets of ex's and all that. That is a lot more complicated now.
But I think you know, the rise of the independent woman is complicated
because if you want to be empowered and take ownership of that, you cannot
blame the men for every single thing. Not to date this podcast too much.
I always want to not bring any news, but everything's got to be
evergreen. So as we record this, it's the day after the twenty twenty
four Oscar nominations came out. Okay, Barbie, which I did a whole
episode about about how I loved. Barbie was grave, It was very empowering.
Whatever got, by any reasonable standard, lauded by the Academy. It
got eight nominations, And all I see is that Ryan Gosling got nominated and
Margot Robbie did not, and Greta Gerwig did not. First of all,
Greta Gurry got three nominations, you just didn't get nominated in Director Director.
Yeah, and Margot Robbie got nominated as producer for Best Picture. If I
said to Margot Robbie, what do you want to be the business woman who
put this billion dollar movie together? Or you want to acting nomination, which
you've already got before. And Greta Gerwig also already gotten a nomination before as
a director, she got for Lady Bird like five years ago. You can't
tell me that it was. It's suddenly more sexist now than two tenty seventeen.
It's like, didn't we learn anything from Barbie? And so this ramps
up a dialogue that is unnecessary. You know, it's unnecessary. There's a
million real examples of the patriarchy and how women are at trade fair whatever.
This is not one of them. But because it's low hanging fruit and it's
pop culture, and it seems very A plus B equal C. This dialogue
is all over the internet. Well, I think also you bring in the
fact that media sometimes we can be sheeps. So we see something out that
gets posted out there, and they're a business, let's post it out there
because they're trying to get our attention easy and they do. And I noticed,
yeah, and we buy into that, and we buy into that very
easily. And I think that's also some of where it comes from, is
the misunderstanding of we see it. You know again, I'm on the individual
therapy side. She's on the family and couple side of it. What's happening
in reality is not what you're seeing in the media. And because people have
constant access to whatever form of media they want, there's information that's being fed
about dating and relationships and marriage that might not necessarily be true of what's happening
in reality. That's right, all right. I want to dive deeper into
the therapy side of this and the questions that the people are asking. I
take a quick break, because we have to pay for things like therapy around
here. Doctor Christy and doctor Laura, they are from Slight saying they're a
little more than that. But we will be back right after this, and
I know you're gonna hate this question. We're back. What's the number one
thing you deal with? Most of the women, mostly men fifty to fifty
both. If it's about a relationship thing, the number one issue is what
expectations and resentment also lack of spontaneity. And I don't think it's necessarily their
fault. I think it's about the fact that, like you're saying, we
have more responsibilities, we're scheduled more, and it takes the fun out of
stuff. We mentioned it in one of our shows, where you can't just
throw the kids somewhere quickly and say, okay, let's go, let's book
a flight, will be gone for a week. You could do that.
You could stay up late and drink if you're allowed to do you know,
if that's okay. Now it's all gosh, I don't know. Maybe I
should stop because I got to be up. The kids are going to be
up at six. I don't want to feel that way, and it really
does just put so much pressure on life, kills the spark. Yeah,
it's fitting it in, okay, so we can be spontaneous. Saturday from
a to that's not fun. No, So that's what I see on the
individual side. Really, he can't do this, and yeah, life kills
the spark. Spark kills this. No spark kills the spontaneity. And then
spontaneity is about excitement, and if the excitement is out of your relationship,
then it becomes routine. That's when I think you have to fall back on
more conversations that it's sometimes difficult. But you know, I heard you say
on one of your podcasts that you should over communicate, ask one too many
questions versus one too few. Explain that. Well, what I'm seeing with
couples who have been together for a long time, especially, is they make
too many assumptions. They think they know the person, they think they know
what the reaction is going to be. What. But but really, if
you've been with someone for twenty years, you guys have grown right, Yeah,
hopefully right, And so you can't make an assumption about Oh, I
see that expression on his face means whatever, Maybe he's thinking about something about
work. Why don't you ask him like ask instead of making an assumption that
you then text him something nasty And now we're often running and you're right,
But the challenge is asking in a way that isn't accusatory or does not make
him feel accused. This and never use the word why. That is my
rule. Never use the word why. What's the oh, that's good on
the king of why? What is this substitute? If I'm ow I'm curious
about how come I'm wondering? I notice like why a trigger word for couples?
Why is a trigger word for everybody? If I set to you,
Brian, why'd you do that? It almost sounds like it's mom getting ready
to scolds. I do that as a boss. I do that all the
time. I don't want to know what happened, and I want to know
why it happened. People don't react well to why. I've tried to eliminate
it, but some that's everything. But if you do it in a couple
that it is acute story because a lot of times people don't speak up at
all until it's too serious. If you're constantly trying to learn your partner and
I drive my partner's crazy by you know, what was your favorite subject in
school in fourth grade? And they're like, what do you care? And
I'm like, I just feel I love that. I do. I want
to know where you were in different aspects of life. I want to how
you change. I want to like, I don't think you ever stopped learning
your partner. Some people just feel either that's a part of me that I
don't think about, it is gone, or it's too intrusive and I don't
really understand that. I love that you said that because I just had someone
bring that up. They're involved in a relationship with a person's like, let's
just live in the present. I don't want to know anything about you.
It may taint my opinion of you. And I'm thinking, really like that
is like big red flag, Like I want to know everything about a person,
know how you've grown, know where you're at now, Like how can
you close off a whole wall of getting to know someone that shuts down your
intimacy right there? Yeah, I really am, Like can we go see
your high school or your hometown or where you grow up? I'm just curious.
I think a lot of it now. If you have some dark memories
and it's bad, that's he's pretty conversation, like I would rather not.
But if their response is more like why what do you care? And I'm
like, because I it helps me understand everything about you and sometimes you know,
a lot of big part of us is are locked in seven year old
Brian or whatever, and be able to comprehend that a little might let me
understand you more. Yeah. And I also think too, we've become way
more sensitive to things. We get offense, you know, offended by things
too easily. Over correction, Yeah, yes, thank you. It went
from here to there. I hope it goes to the middle sometime soon because
that's also where the like you brought up, the over communication, that's where
I find people are hesitant to communicate because they don't want to say anything that's
going to piss off the partner. And I said it before, especially if
you care about the relationship, so you just are like, well, and
I always say, like, be happy that they asked the question. Because
they asked the question, they still care. If they don't ask the questions
anymore, why did you do that? Whatever? Like they're checked out and
they're gone, and then you're no man's land. So if they're constantly asking
questions again, not in accusatory fashion, not like where were you last night?
Who were you with? Like stuff like that, but if they're always
trying to learn you, your behavior, the relationship, what can I do?
You know, how can I make your day better? That's that's something
that I'd never said in my life to Like five years ago, I heard
somebody say it one of our live shows, like like, oh, that's
good. That is what can I do to improve your d What can I
do for you right now? I'm like, that's top notch. I need
to use you know, And most of the time you're gonna get nothing like
I'm good, nothing but the act of asking and trying, because a lot
of times and you guys know that once it gets to the point where they
got to call you and I know you can, you're not gonna want This
is not good for business, it's too late. But there's a lot of
times when you got to call earlier, a call before you hate them.
And it's not even hate, because with hate there's still passion. Agree with
ampathy, it's apathy. Oh yeah, apathy. If someone doesn't even care,
if they've totally checked out, that's how you know it's over. Can
you tell it's over before they can tell it's over, You're not. That's
not your job. I can tell it's over. I can tell it's over,
but then they won't come back if you say it. But sometimes I've
said to them, look, guys, I think it's over. Like you're
both communicating that you don't even love each other. It's over. Yeah,
And that's one of the things. If there is a genuine, fundamental foundation
of love, I've seen people through the years go through some shit and evolve
and come out stronger because they do genuinely love that person. And a question
that probably comes up with you, guys, is well, I don't understand
how they could do or say that if they love me and they say they
love me, and those aren't necessarily related things, right equivalent? No,
not at all. And I always say the opposite of love is hurt,
you know, if you love someone that much. Unfortunately we do, like
it or not, we hurt the people that are closest to us. We
hurt our loved ones, they see us raw, whether we're that's that vulnerability
stuff, which I hate that you know me like, I'm no, you
know, but that's the part where it's so hard for people to if you
really really love that person, to be vulnerable to them hurting you and they
don't even meet. We're all human beings. We've been through shit. We're
not perfect. We're not perfect, and so it's just a part of the
process and you have to really forgive one another and work through it because it's
just it's just a there. In my opinion, there's not going to be
a relationship at least from what I've seen, where it's easy. Sometimes people
think if the relationship is easy, that's the one that's meant to be.
I don't believe that. I don't know what your opinion is on it.
It's that easy. You're not communicating, and that's what I'm saying. So
you're going to go through some shit and you're going to hurt each other,
right And sometimes you know, I've been guilty of this too. We look
to, you know, earlier generations and say like, oh, you guys
been married eighty five years, what's the secret and why are you so happy?
It was a different time and maybe if they met now, she would
be more career oriented. Social media might have anything could happen, and however
they did things in nineteen fifty eight might not be relevant sixty five years later,
you know, But eighty five years or however long they're married doesn't mean
it's eighty five happy years. Some people are united in their misery, that
true. Or they know how to navigate, or they know how to put
a face on for the world. I saw a couple He's dead. I'll
say it one time. I'll say now, Regisphilbin and his wife. They
were sitting at a brunch and they're sitting at the same side of the table,
and they're each reading a newspaper. And I was trying to figure out,
do they hate each other so they're both married in their paper, Are
they're married to their newspaper and not communicating, or are they so comfortable with
each other that this was their sharing time doing the same thing, you know.
And I was like, I couldn't ask them. And I was like,
that's such a fascinating could go either way depending on how I was feeling
to interpret that. My first instinct was bad and then it was good,
and then I'm like, huh, this is complicated. And so that's what
I'm saying. We look at other people and other couples and other situations and
you really have no idea versus what's going on beyond the snapshot. And that's
what I would say too, I think we have to throw away other people's
expectations of how our relationships should be. Friends are great when you're growing through
stuff in your relationship, but at the end of the day, they're not
the one living in your house and away they're typically going to have your back.
You have to decide for yourself you're willing to deal with because you love
that person and what you're not. I don't even think we can tell that
person. Once they give us those parameters, we can say, well,
here's what I recommend to be effective in that. Because we're seeing on also
media the way other people are living their lives, we think that something is
wrong with our relationship. I've seen it all. I've seen so many different
variations of what a relationship could be. And as long as it's according to
the parameters that you and your partner or partners or whatever you know, are
setting forth, okay, screw what everybody else says about your relationship. Well,
that's why I'm always against these people who make these checklists. People make
these checklists of like I need these five or six things that I'm good.
There's a list of a thousand things that might make it not good. You
know, it's a very short list of this is what I want. Well,
I'm like, okay, what about these thousand things? Oh, I'm
thought about those. Those are very specific or whatever. You have to just
kind of ride a wave of a relationship and really trying to improve your confidence
in what you're doing in this situation and your ability to communicate and your communication
and your ability to stem it off before it gets too late, because once
it gets to that whatever the word you want to use is no, not
anger. What was the word you use before? Epathy? Apathy? That
I don't care anymore? And then you're just sharing space and you've gone not
just from husband wife to mom and dad, you've gone from future divorces when
the kids are out of the house. That's a tough way to spend two
five, seven, ten years, you know. Yes, And I think
even when couples fight or partners, whatever term you want to, it's your
life. Use whatever term you want to with your life. I don't really
care. Matthew mcconnie, and I can't remember is his wife's name Camilla,
right, Tamilla Elvis. Yeah. He they came out and they said,
look, it's we love each other. That means we're going to get hurt
by each other. Sometimes people fight, okay, as long as you just
remember the quiet niceties that show the person you're still in the relationship together,
even if you're in a moment where you may not like each other that much.
Like he she always makes I think it's she always makes his tea,
So even if they've had a fight in the morning, they still make sure
that that's the thing and then they can go their own way. But that's
at least the signal. Also for couples, I find is okay, right,
everybody sometimes has to go to their corners to stay effective. But still
certain things you can say to show I'm still in this, yeah, and
if you fundamentally. I did a whole episode about this last year me the
five things that I need, they're all words from my partner. I need,
good morning, good night, I'm sorry, thank you, and I
love you. And I talked about how what I needed on that list has
changed over the last ten years, like I love Houston, maybe first because
I didn't think I had enough of that in my life, and then to
change, I need thank you, I need appreciation, now I need I'm
sorry because that one takes the most. That's the most meaningful thing to me
if somebody recognizes in some way. And these are very simple concepts, so
it's like, oh, if I can't get the bare minimum of those things
like good morning and good night, seem reasonable. But some people are like,
I shouldn't have to change my behavior because of your needs. Ouch yeah
ouch. But some people are like that, like I'm not I'm get up
late and I'm tired. I don't like to say good morning like whatever.
You you know, so you have to sort of marry that too, like,
okay, well, is there another way that I can get whatever that
word symbolized, Because it's not about the word, it's about the recognition of
you're a part of my day in my life, and I'm going to say
something to acknowledge that. Early on people will be like, well, that's
wildly insecure of you, probably, but we're in a relationship, so you
know, you kind of got to look at it that way. Do that
makes sense? And doctor, what do you think about differentiation of self in
relationships? Because sometimes what's the couple? What's the individual? Exactly? That
you don't have to do everything together and if you don't that doesn't mean something's
wrong. Well, I heard you guys talk about this out a prior concast.
But a lot of couples who are completely happy and madly in love just
don't sleep in the same bed. The sleep divorsia. Yeah, I think
you got to sleep in the same bed, tough it out. But some
very happy people are like, listen, he's not a good sleeper, she's
not a good sleeper, or a different pattern. She kicks me, he
snores, whatever and the other. You know, sixteen hours in the day,
we're not sleeping, we're madly in love. I don't know. It's
got a good a chance to work as anything else. Prior generations, a
lot of them slept in the same bed, in different beds, different rooms,
different everything, right. I mean, I have my own opinion about
that. I think what makes what I talked to couples about is Look,
the one thing that makes you guys different from friends on the street is that
you're intimate together. Mm hmm. You share a bed together, right,
so, and never mind what's going on in the bed, do you share
the bed together? Yeah? So ending your day in charting your day with
that person's already sets them apart. As you're my special person. I completely
agree with you. A lot of people are like, well, it's not
that important to us, Okay, They then have to find another way to
match the intimacy of eight hours hopefully a night in a you know, forty
eight inch space together. Whether even if you're not cuddling or touching or whatever
like that matters to me, that that matters, But I don't know.
Yeah, like, if you put it. I think we also said too,
if you make the priority throughout the rest of the day instead of putting
all the weight on that time in the room because the kids are now asleep
or whatever else is going on, you know, you finally put the work
down and now can turn into personal life. It may or may not have
less weight that sleeping concept, but again, it all goes for me.
It all goes down to what weight that has on how much does that mean
to their relation relationship? Well, you know, I as we record this,
we're pretty close to Valentine's Day and a lot of people ask my opinion
on Valentine's Day, and I'm like, if you do the other three hundred
and sixty four days pretty well, you probably don't need Valentine's Day. And
then people say to me like, well, no, it's special to get
something on Valentine's Day. I'm like, would you rather get flowers on February
fourteenth or August second? Just because? And I'm like, I just want
to It's no reason, here's the flowers or I'm supposed to do this.
You know a lot of people don't agree with that. They're like, you
don't understand and the way, and I could be wrong and everybody's different,
but I'm like, I'd rather do it because I want to, not because
I'm supposed to. And that's where the communication piece comes in. But you
know, what people forget and what I structure for people is that there's there's
you, there's me, and then there's the relationship as its own entity.
And so we have to care for that relationship as if it's like that third
person in the relationship. If you're not coming up with ways to nurture that
and grow that, your individual needs are going to to pull you guys apart.
And like you said, one of the coolest things you did say on
that episode was the two of your co CEOs, and that helps to say
you're both important, you both hold weight right, and you are, you
know, co head of the house, but being able to define the roles
again. As we move into twenty four and beyond, things are a little
more complicated, especially you have two working parents and as something as simple as
like, you know, who takes out the garbage should be him, but
you know who have to use the dishwasher should be the kids. You know,
there's a lot of things, but these are discussions that you have to
You know, there are still a lot of women today and not to judge
relationships, who get an allowance and then they're like, I don't have access
to the money. How do I even get divorced? How do I even
go seek help? How do I even do anything with my two hundred dollars
a week? You know that's disturbing. Yeah, but it's still a thing.
And I think if you establish trust early on and communicate and then like
this is important to me, you wropped the prenup earlier, Like I would
never make somebody easy for me to say I don't have a one hundred million
dollars, but sign up because I'm like, this is part of the gamble.
I want to know that you to know that I'm all in And if
this doesn't work, I crap out and this lose. Is that important?
Again, I don't know one hundred million dollars and a bunch of lawyers.
So no, it's true. Like you're saying, there's financial stressors, kid
stressors, work stressors, time stressors, to time. There's not enough time,
like we said actually in our recording earlier, and you're trying to manage
all of that. In life, it's just hard. It's hard, and
shit happens all the time, you know, Like I say, life is
a four letter word and it's just hard. So the number one piece of
advice or the thing you say most commonly to people who come see you,
is there one thing that you're like almost everybody I have to tell them to
remember to do this? Is there one thing? Or is that too vague?
No, I'm going to let doctor lor go first because she's the expert
in this stuff. Complacency, don't get complacent. Don't get complacent. As
soon as you guys take advantage of each other, it's over. And how
do you identify complacency? How do you Complacency is when you're not putting in
the effort, when you are making the assumption that things are just going to
roll along as they always do without making the effort to show your partner that
they are special to you. They hold a different role than just the average
Joe and Starbucks. So you have to take a regular sort of temperature of
yourself like this is absolutely, absolutely that's good. And stop with the tit
for tat, stop keeping school well you do, I know, never wear.
I would say, just throw out the expectations that other people put on
your relationship. It's your life. Live it according to your and your partner's
terms, because anything works these days. And that's the other thing I say,
too, is great, fantastic. We hopefully you do have friends that
you can share all the trials and tribulations of your relationships with. At the
same time, you're the one that, again that's living in that house.
You have to decide what's going to work for you and what's not going to
work for you, because you're always going to find someone that's going to judge
it. That's just the way the world is, where we can be very
judgy about what we think. This couple's happy, that couple is married.
I've also known people who live according to their own labels too, meaning you
could use the term married and not legally be married. It's a mentality.
It's not just a legal thing. It's a mentality thing too. And if
you and your partner are okay with that, go with it. That's a
good point. All right, you're married, but you are dating. So
we play something called worst date or first date. So you have to either
give us and this could go back to the old days. To go back
to now, either the worst date you've ever had or the best first date
you've ever had. Your choice, Oh god, I have to do the
worst person That was the funner one in probable because there's so many of them.
There's a book coming out about it, and my mother keeps saying,
I need to write a book about this. Probably going out on a date
with someone and him letting me know that he was using the date as a
way to find out whether he was really bisexual or not. Oh no,
like he wanted professional help he knew what you did, or he wanted to
know if he was attracted. He wanted both a little bit of both.
Like, okay, pressure on a girl, it's a lot of pressure.
Yeah, look at Christy, She's like, holy hell, how would not
handle that? No, it didn't look. Oh, I've never heard We've
asked this hundreds of times. I've never heard that. Wow, that's that's
a show stopped. And what was the and well, what was the outcome?
Uh? The outcome was that he was bisexual, but not with me.
Not with me? Oh wow, you're the best. Do you want
to play? It's been too long since I did. It's the only thing
I'm going to share is a funny story that uh, one of a client
said a long time ago about the fact that you know, went on a
date, went back to the house. He came in. She immediately said,
are you guys going to take care Are you going to take care of
us? Meeting me and the meeting her and the dogs. And he was
just like, okay, time to go. Yep, time to go.
So that might not have been a successful date. Maybe everybody just take your
time, get you know, all right, it's okay. Breathe a little
bit. This is fun. I feel saner and smarter. Tell everybody where
they can find you and your podcast. All right, So we are the
slightly same podcast on Apple, Spotify, wherever you download your podcast. We
are on YouTube. Get all the visual of doctor Christy cracking up. I
can't hold it together on it. It's really funny. So we are on
YouTube and please email us at Slightly Same Podcast at gmail dot com for questions,
comments, and overall good wishes. Yeah good, You guys are awesome
as far as us as always, Please like, share, follow, and
review this podcast and review the Slightly Sane Podcast all this time later. Your
reviews mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem. Shoot us an email Great Lovedebate
at gmail dot com for question thoughts, concerns, breakup stories, or things
you want me to pass along to the good doctors and a reminder coming up
and again, if you're listening to this in August or twenty twenty seven,
you missed it. But our big tenth anniversary live show, the tenth anniversary
show of our ten years since our first show, is right down I ninety
five at the Boca black Box Center for the Arts bokwor Tone, Florida.
Tickets are on sale for that at Boca Blackbox dot com and Greatlovedebate dot com.
It's going to be wild. The shit show that is dating in South
Florida will be on full display there because as always, at the Great love
debate. We never stop making love. See you next time. The Great
love debate is the great love debate, the great love to be. It's
the great love to be.