Another man's wife or the husband under the bed an extraordinary adventure. Ivan Andritch
felt that he had come to the wrong place, that he had made a
silly, childish blunder, that he had acted without due consideration, that he
had not been sufficiently cautious on the landing. But there was no help for
it. The door was already opening. Already the heavy husband, that is,
if he could be judged by his footsteps, was coming into the room.
I don't know what ivan Andritch took himself to be at that moment.
I don't know what prevented him from confronting the husband, telling him that he
had made a mistake, confessing that he had unintentionally the aged in the most
unseemly way, making his apologies, and vanishing, not of course with blind
colors, not of course with glory, but at any rate, departing in
an and gentlemanly manner. But no Ivan Andretch again behaved like a boy,
as though he considered himself a Don Juan or a lovelace. He first hid
himself behind the curtain of the bed, and finally, feeling utterly dejected and
hopeless, he dropped on the floor and senselessly crept under the bed. Terror
had more influence on him than reason, and Ivan andrech himself an injured husband,
or at any rate, a husband who considered himself such, could not
face meeting another husband, but was afraid to wound him by his presence.
Fee this as it may, he found himself under the bed, though he
had no idea how it had come to pass. But what was more surprising,
the lady made no opposition. She did not cry out on seeing an
utterly unknown, elderly gentleman seek a refuge under her bed. Probably she was
so alarmed that she was deprived of all power of speech. The husband walked
in, gasping and clearing his throat, said good evening to his wife in
a sing song elderly voice, and plopped into an easy chair, as though
he had just been carrying up a load of wood. There was a sound
of a hollow and prolonged call. Ivan Andritsch transformed from a ferocious tiger to
a lamb, timid and meek as a mouse before a cat, scarcely dared
to breathe. Or terror, though he might have known from his own experience
that not all injured husband's bite. But this idea did not enter his head,
either from lack of consideration or from agitation of some sort. Cautiously,
softly feeling his way, he began to get right under the bed so as
to lie more comfortably there. What was his amazement when with his hand he
felt an object, which, to his intense amazement, stirred, and in
its turn seized his hand under the bed. There was another person, who's
this, whispered Ivan Andretch. Well, I am not likely to tell you
who I am, whispered the strange man. LI steal and keep quiet if
you have made a mess of things. But I say, hold your tongue.
And the extra gentleman, for one, was quite enough under the bed.
The extra gentleman squeezed Ivan Andreitch's hand in his fist, so that the
latter almost tricked with pain. My dear sir, sh then don't thinsh me
so, or I shall scream fright, scream away? Try it on,
Ivan Andritch flushed with shame. The unknown gentleman was sulky and ill humored.
Perhaps it was a man who had suffered more than once from the persecutions of
fate, and had more than once been in a tight place. But Ivan
Andrech was a novice and could not breathe in his constricted position. The blood
rushed to his head. However there was no help for it. He had
to lie on the s face. Ivan Andretch submitted and was silent. I
have been to see Pavel Ivanitch, my love began the husband. We sat
down to a game of preference. He had a fitner coughing yes, so
my back with bother it. The old gentleman became engrossed in his cough,
but back he brought out at last, with tears in his eyes. I
spine began to eight, damn hammerroid. I can't stand, nor sit or
sit. And it seemed as though the cough that followed was designed to last
longer than the old gentleman in possession of it. The old gentleman grumbled something
in its intervals, but it was utterly impossible to make out a word.
Dear sir, for goodness sake, move a little, whispered the unhappy Ivananvretch,
how cannot There's no room, But you must admit that it is impossible
for me. It is the first time that I have found myself in such
a nasty position, and I in such unpleasant society. But young man,
hold your tongue. Hope my tongue. You are very uncivil, young man.
If I am not mistaken, you are very young. I am your
senior. Ope your tongue, My dear sir, you are forgetting yourself.
You don't know to whom you are talking to, A gentleman lying under the
bed. I was taken by surprise, a mistake, while in your case.
If I am not mistaken, immorality, that's where you are mistaken,
my dear sir, I am older than you. I tell you, sir,
we are in the same boat. You know. I beg you not
to take hold of my face. Sir, I can't tell one thing from
another. Excuse me, but I have no room. You shouldn't be so
fat, heavens, I have never been in such a degrading position. Yes,
one couldn't be brought more low, Sir, Sir, I don't know
who you are. I don't understand how this came about. But I am
here by mistake. I am not what you think. I shouldn't think about
you at all. If you didn't shove, but hold your tongue, do,
sir. If you don't move a little, I shall have a stroke.
You will have to answer for my debt. I assure you I am
a respectable man. I am the father of a family. I really cannot
be in such a position to thrust yourself into the position. Come move a
little. I've made room for you. I can't do more, noble young
man, Dear sir, I see I was mistaken about you, said ivan
Andretsch, in a transport of gratitude for the space allowed him, and stretching
out his grant lens. I understand your constructed condition, but there's no help
for it. I see you think ill of me. Allow me to redeem
my reputation in your eyes. Allow me to tell you who I am.
I have come here against my will. I assure you I am not here
with the object you imagine. I am in a terrible fright. Oh,
do shut up. Understand that if we are overheard, it will be the
worst for us. He is talking. The old gentleman's cough did in fact
seem to be over I tell you what, my love. He wheezed in
the most lacrymost chain, I tell you what, my love, Oh,
what an affliction farowsy Ivanovitch said to me, you should try drinking yarow tea,
he said to me, do you hear alone? Yes, dear,
yes, that is what he said. You should try drinkyote, he said.
I told him I had good on leeches, but he said, no,
Alexander Damianovich tee is better. It's a laxative, I tell you.
Oh, dear, what do you think? My luck? Oh? My
god? How did I better try yarrow teak? Okay cock and so on?
I think it would be just as well to drive that remedy, said
his wife. Yes, it would be you. Maybe. In consumption,
he said, higg. I told him it was gout and irritability of the
stomach, guck, but he would have it that it might be consumption.
What do you think, Ugh, what do you think, my love?
Is it consumption? My goodness, what are you talking about? Why?
Consumption? You had better unrest than go to bed now, my love,
I've caught the cold in my head today, said Ivan, andritch Cocks said,
to move a little. I really don't know what is the matter with
you? Can't you lie still? You are exasperated against me, young man.
You want to wound me. I see that you are. Are I
suppose this lady's lover. Shut up. I will not shut up. I
will allow you to order me about. You are, no doubt her lover.
If we are discovered, I am not to blame in any way.
I know nothing about it. If you don't hold your tone, said the
young man, grinding his teeth, I will say that you brought me here.
I'll say that you are my uncle who has dissipated his fortune. Then
they won't imagine I am this lady's lover anyway. Sir, you are amusing
yourself at my expense. You are exhausting my patience. Hush or I will
make you hush. You are accursed to me. Come tell me what you
are here for. If you are not here, I could lie here somehow
till morning and then get away. But I can't lie here till morning.
I am a respectable man. I have family ties. Of course, What
do you think? Surely he is not going to spend the night here?
Who why this old gentleman? Of course he will. All husbands aren't like
you. Some of them spend their nights at home. My dear sir,
my dear sir, cried Ivan Andritch, turning cold with terror. I assure
you I spend my nights at home too, and this is the first time.
But by god, I see you know me? Who are you,
young man? Tell me at once? I beseech you from disinterested friendship?
Who are you? Listen? I shall resort to violence, but allow me,
allow me, sir, to tell you, allow me to explain all
this horror business. I won't listen to any explanation. I don't want to
know anything about it. Be silent or but I cannot. A slight skirmish
took place under the bed, and Ivan Rich subsided my love It's hounds,
and so there were cats, hissing cats. What will you imagine next?
Evidently the lady did not know what to talk to her husband about. She
was so upset that she could not pull herself together. Now she started and
pricked up her ears. What cats cats, my love? The other day
I went into my study and there was the tom cat in my study and
his it shoot shoo shoo. I said to him, what is it,
pussy? And he went choo chook choo again, as though he were whispering.
I thought, first of all, heavens, isn't he hissing as a
sign of my dead? What nonsense are you talking today. You ought to
be ashamed. Really, never mind, don't be cross, my love.
I see you don't like to think of me. Done, I didn't mean
it, but you had better undressed and it to bed, my love,
And I'll sit here while you go to bed for goodness sakes, leave off
afterwards. Well, don't be crossed, so becrouse. But really I think
there must be mice sere? Why first cats and then mice? I really
don't know what is the matter with you? Oh? I am all right
up, I never mind. Oh look you hear you are making such an
upset that he hears you whispers the young man. But if you knew what
is happening to me? My nose is bleeding, let it blead, shut
up, wait till he goes away. But young man, put yourself in
my place? Why? I don't know with whom I am lying? Would
you be better off if you did? Why? I don't want to know
your name? By the way, what is your name? You know?
What do you want with my name? I only want to explain the sense
this way in which is speaking again? Really, my love, there is
whispering. Oh no, it's the cotton wool, and your ears has got
out of place. Help by the way, talking of the cotton wool.
Do you know that upstairs, upstairs and so on upstairs? Whispered the young
man off the devil. I thought that this was the top story. Can
it be? The second young man, whispered Ivan Andritch, What did you
say? For goodness sakes? Why does he concern you? I thought it
was the top story too. Tell me, for God's sake, is there
another story? Really? Someone is stirring, said the old man, leaving
all call at last. Hush, do you hear, whispered the young man,
squeezing iron Andreyitch's hands. Sir, you are holding my hands by force.
Let me go. Hush. A slight struggle followed, and then there
was a silence again. So I met a pretty woman, began the old
man. A pretty woman, interrupted his wife. Yes, I thought I
told you before that I met a pretty woman now the stairs, Or perhaps
I did not mention it. My memory is weak. Yes, Saint John's
wark. What I must drink? Saint John's work. They say it does
good, It does good. It was you, interrupted him, said the
young man, grinding his teeth. Again, you said you met some pretty
woman today. His wife went on Hi met a pretty woman? Who did?
Why didn't you I when? Oh, yes, at last, what
a moment, well, whispered the young man, inwardly raging at the forgetful
old gentleman. My dear, sir, I am trembling with horror. My
god, what do I hear? It's like yesterday? Exactly like yesterday.
Hush, yes, to be sure, I remember a slious such eyes in
a blue hat, in a blue hat. I I it's she. She
has a blue hat, My god, cried Ivan Andreach. She who is
she? Whispered the young man, squeezing Ivan Andreach's hands. Hush, Ivan
Andreyvitch exhorted in his turn, he is speaking, Oh my god, my
god. Tho, after all, who hasn't a blue hat? It,
sir, justly, little road, the old gentleman went on. She comes
here to see friends. She's always making eyes, and other friends come to
see those friends too. Who how tedious? The lady interrupted, Really,
how can you take interest in that? Oh? Very well, very well,
don't be cross, the old gentleman responded, in a wheedling chant.
I won't talk if you don't care to hear me. You seem a little
out of humor. This evening. But how did you get here? The
young man began. I you see you see now you are interested, and
before you wouldn't listen. Oh well, I don't care. Please don't tell
me. Oh damn nation, take it? What a mess? Don't be
coarse, young man. I don't know what I am saying. I didn't
mean anything. I only meant to say that there must be some good reason
for your taking such an interest. But who are you, young man?
I see you are a stranger, But who are you? Oh dear,
I don't know what I'm saying. Ah, leave all, please, the
young man interrupted, as though he were considering something. But I will tell
you all about it. You think perhaps that I will not tell you that
I feel resentment against you. Oh no, here is my hand. I
am only feeling depressed, nothing more. But for God's sake, first tell
me how you came here yourself through what chance? As for me, I
feel no ill will, No, indeed, I feel no ill will.
Here is my hand. I have made it rather dirty. It is so
dusty here, But that's nothing when the feeling is true. Ah that way
with your hand there is no room to turn, And he keeps thrusting his
hand on me. But my dear sir, but you treat me, if
you will allow me to say so, as though I were an old shoe,
said ivan Andretch, in a rush of the meekest despair, in a
voice full of entreaty. Treat me a little more civilly, Just a little
more civilly, and I will tell you all about it. We might be
friends. I'm quite ready to ask you, holy dinner. We can't lie
here side by side like this. I tell you plainly, you are in
error, young man. You do not know. Why was it he better?
The young man muttered, evidently in violent emotion. Perhaps she's expecting me
now. I'll certainly get away from here. She who is she? My
god? Who are you speaking? Young men? You imagine that U my
god? My god? Why am I punished like this? Ivan Andrich tried
to turn on his back in his despair. Why do you want to know
who she is? Oh the devil? Whether it will she or not,
I will get out, My dear sir, What are you thinking about?
What will become of me? Whispered Ivan Andritch, clutching at the tails of
his neighbor's dress coat in his despair. Well, what's that to me?
You can stop here by yourself, and if you won't, I'll tell them
that you are my uncle who has squandered all his property, so that the
old gentleman won't think that I am his wife's lover. But that is utterly
impossible, young man. It's unnatural I should be your uncle. Nobody would
believe you. Why a baby wouldn't believe it? Ivan Andritch whispered in despair.
Well, don't battle, then, but lie as flat as a pancake.
Most likely you will stay the night here and get out somehow tomorrow.
No one will notice you. If one creeps out, it is not likely
they would think there was another one here. There might as well be a
dozen, though you are as good as it doesn't by yourself. Move a
little or I'll get out. You wound me, young man? What if
I have a fit of coughing? One has to think of everything. Hush,
what's that? I fancy? I hear something going on upstairs? Again,
said the old gentleman, who seemed to have had a nap in the
interval. Upstairs, do you hear, a young man? I shall get
out? Well I hear, my goodness, young man, I am going,
oh, well, I am not man. I don't care. If
there is an upset, I don't mind. But do you know what I
suspect. I believe you are an injured husband. So there, good heavens,
what cynicism can you possibly suspect that? Why a husband? I am
not married, not married, fiddlesticks. I may be a lover myself,
A nice lover. My dear sir, my dear sir, Oh, very
well, I will tell you the whole story. Listen to my desperate story.
It is I am not married. I am a bachelor like you.
It is my friend, a companion of my youth. I am a lover.
He told me that he was an unhappy man. I am drinking the
cup of bitterness. He said, I suspect my wife. Well, I
said to him, reasonably, why do you suspect her? But you are
not listening to me. Yes, listen, jealousy is ridiculous, I said
to him. Jealousy is a vice. No, he said, I am
an unhappy man. I am drinking. That is I suspect my wife.
You are my friend, and I said, you are the companion of my
tender youth. Together we called the flowers of happiness together. We rolled in
featherbeds of pleasure. My goodness, I don't know what I am saying.
You keep laughing, young mangel, drive me crazy, But you are crazy
now there. I knew you would say that when I talked of being crazy.
Laugh away, laugh away, young man. I did the same in
my day. I too went astray. I shall have inflammation of the brain.
What is it, my love? I thought I heard someone's knees,
the old man chanted. Was that you sneeze? My love? Oh?
My goodness, said his wife. Sounded from under the They must be making
a noise upstairs, said his wife, alarmed, for there was certainly a
noise under the bed. Yes, upstairs, said the husband. Upstairs.
I told you just now I met a that I met a young swell with
mustaches. Oh, dear, my smie, a young swell with mustaches with
mustaches. My goodness, that must have been you, whispered ivan andretch,
merciful heavens, what a man? Why I am here lying here with you?
How could he have met me? But don't take hold of my face,
My goodness, I shall think in a minute. There certainly was a
loud noise overhead at this moment. What can be happening there, whispered the
young man. My dear, sir, I am in alarm, I am
in terror. Out me hush, there really is is a noise, my
love, there's a regular hubbub, and just over your bedroom too. Haddn't
I better send up to inquire? What will you think of next? Oh?
Well I won't. But really, how cross you are today? Oh
dear, you had better go to bed, Liza. You don't love me
at all? Oh yes, I do, for goodness sakes, I am
so tired. Well, well I am going. Oh no, no,
don't go, cried his wife. Or no, better go? Why what
is the matter with you? One minute I am to go, and the
next I'm nah? It really is bed. The Panavidans little girl, their
little girl. I saw their little girls Nuremberg. Dull. Well, now
it's dolls, a pretty doll. He is saying good bye, said the
young man. He is going, and we can get away at once.
De here you can rejoice. Oh God, granted, it's a lesson to
you, you man, a lesson for what I feel it. But you
are young. You cannot teach me. I will, though. Listen,
Oh dear, I'm going to knees. I should you dare? But what
can I do? There is such a smell of vice here. Can't help
it. Take my handkerchief out of my pocket. I can't stir out.
My god, one God, why am I so punished? Here's your handkerchief.
I will tell you what you are punished for. You are jealous.
Goodness knows on what grounds. You rush about like a madman, burst into
other people's flags, create a disturbance. Yet, man, I have not
create a disturb Hush your man. You can't let you to me about morals.
I am more moral than you. Hush, Oh my god, oh
my god. You create a disturbance. You frighten a young lady, a
timid woman who does not know what to do for terror and perhaps will be
ill. You disturb a venerable old man suffering from a complaint and who needs
repose above everything, And all this what for because you imagine some nonsense which
sets you running all over the neighborhood. Do understand what a hard position you
are in now? I do very well, sir, I feel it,
But you have not the right cultured tone. What has right got to do
with it? Do you understand that this may have a tragic ending. Do
you understand that the old man who is fond of his wife may go out
of his mind when he sees you creep out from under the bed. But
no, you are incapable of causing a tragedy when you crawl out. I
expect everyone who looks at you a last. I should like to see you
in the light. You must look funny, ain't you? You must be
funny too. In that case, I should like to have a look at
you too, I daresay you would you miscarry the stamp of immorality, young
men, Ah, you are talking about morals. How do you know why
I'm here? I am here by mistake. I made a mistake in the
story, and the Deuce knows why they let me in. I suppose she
must have been expecting someone, not you. Of course, I hid under
the bed when I heard your stupid footsteps. When I saw the lady was
frightened. Besides, it was dark, And why should I justify myself to
you? You are a ridiculous, jealous old man. Sir? Do you
know why I don't crawl out? Perhaps you imagine I am afraid to come
out. No, sir, I should have come out long ago. But
I stay here from compassion for you. Why what would you be taken for?
If I were not here, you'd stand facing them like a post.
You know you wouldn't know what to do. Why like that object? Couldn't
you find anything else to compare me with? Young man? Why shouldn't I
know what to do? I should know what to do. Oh my goodness,
how that wretched dog keeps barking? Oh it really is. That's because
you keep jaggering. You've waked the dog. Now they'll be trouble. The
lady's dog, who had till then been sleeping on a pillow in the corner,
suddenly awoke, sniffed strangers, and rushed under the bed with a loud
bark. Oh my god, what a dog, whispered Ivan, Andretch.
It will get us into trouble. Here's another affliction. Oh well, you
are such a coward that it may well be so. I mean, I
mean, come here, cried the lady. I see, I see,
But the dog, without heeding her, made straight for Ivan Andrech. Why
is it Amishka keeps barking, said the old gentleman. There must be mice
or the cat under there. I seem to hear a sneezing, and Pussy
had a cold this morning. Lie still, whispered the young man. Don't
twist about. Perhaps it will leave off, sir. Let go of my
hand. Sir, why are you holding them? H be quiet, but
mercy, honest young man, it will bite my nose. Do you want
me to lose my nose? A struggle followed, and Ivan Andretch got his
hands free. The dog broke into volleys of barking. Suddenly it ceased barking
and gave a yell. Why, cried the lady. Monster. What are
you doing, cried the young man. You will be the ruin of us
both. What are you holding it? Good heavens, he is trailing it.
Let it go. Monster. You know nothing of the heart of women.
If you can't do that, she will betray us both. If you
strangle the dog. But by now Ivan Andresch could hear nothing. He had
succeeded in catching the dog, and in a paroxysm of self preservation, had
squeezed his throat. The dog yelled and gave up The ghosts. We are
lost, whispered the young man. Amishka. Mishka, cried the lady.
My God, what are they doing with my Amishka, Amishka, Mishkasi.
Oh, the monsters, barbarians. Oh, dear, I feel giddy.
What is it? What is it? Cried the old gentleman, jumping up
from his easy chair. What is the matter with you, my darling?
Amishka here, Amishka, Amishka Anishka, cried the old gentleman, snapping with
his fingers and clicking with his tongue and calling Amishka from under the bed,
Amishka. See the cat cannot have eaten him. The cat wants a thrashing,
my love, he hasn't had a beating for a whole month. The
rogue, what do you think? I'll talk to Praskovia Sahariyevna. But my
goodness, what is the matter, my love? Wow? What you are?
Oh? Oh? Servants? Servants? And the old gentleman ran about
the room. Millions monsters, cried the lady sinking on the sofa. Who
who? Who? Cried the old gentleman. There are people there, strangers,
they're under the bed. Oh, my god, Abishka, Abishka,
what have they done to you? Good heavens? What people? Abishka?
Servants? Servants come here? Who is who is there? Who is there?
Cried the old gentleman, snatching up a candle and bending down under the
bed. Who is there? Ivan Andretch was lying more dead than alive beside
the breathless courts of Amishka. But the young man was watching every movement of
the old gentleman. All at once, the old gentleman went to the other
side of the bed by the wall and bent down. In a flash,
the young man crept out from under the bed and took to his heels,
while the husband was looking for his visitors on the other side. Good gracious,
exclaimed the lady, staring at the young man. Who are you well
thought? That monster's still fair? Whispered the young man. He is guilty
of Amishka's death. I treat the lady, But the young man had already
vanished from the room. Hey, there is someone here. Here are someone's
boots, cried the husband, catching Ivan Andretch by the leg. Murderer.
Murderer, cried the lady. Oh, Amy, Amy, come out,
come out, cried the old gentleman, stamping on the carpet with both feet.
Come out. Who are you? Tell me who you are? Good
gracious? What a queer? Person. Why it's robbers. For God's sake.
For God's sake, cried Ivan andretch creeping out. For God's sake,
your excellency, don't call the servants, your excellency, don't call anyone.
It is quite unnecessary. You can't kick me out. I am not that
sort of person. I am a different case, your excellency. It has
all been due to a mistake. I'll explain directly, your excellency, exclaimed
Ivan andrech sobbing and gasping. It's all my wife. That is not my
wife, but somebody else's wife. I am not married. I am only
it's my comrade, a friend of youthful days. What friend of youthful days?
Cried the old gentleman, standing. You are at the you have come
to steal, and not a friend of youthful days. No, I am
not a thief, your excellency. I am really a friend of youthful days.
I have only blundered by accident. I came into the wrong place.
Yes, sir, yes, I see from what place you've crawled out,
your excellency, I am not that sort of man. You are mistaken.
I tell you you are cruelly mistaken. Your excellency, Only glance at me,
look at me, and by signs and tokens you will see that I
can't be a thief, your excellency, Your excellency, cried Ivan Andritsch,
folding his hands and appealing to the young lady. You are a lady,
you will understand me. It was I who killed a mista. But it
was not my fault. It was really not my fault. It was all
my wife's fault. I am an unhappy man. I am drinking the cup
of bitterness. But really, what has it to do with me that you
are drinking the cup of bitterness? Perhaps it's not the only cup you've drug,
it seems so to judge from your condition. But how did you come
here, sir? Cried the old man, quivering with excitement, though he
certainly was convinced by certain signs and tokens that Ivan Andreitch could not be a
thief. I ask you, how did you come here? You break in
like a robber. Not a robber, your excellency. I simply came to
the wrong place. I am really not a robber. It is all because
I was jealous. I will tell you all about it, your excellency.
I will confess it all frankly, as I would to my own father.
For at your venerable age, I might take you for a father. What
do you mean my venerable age, your excellency. Perhaps I have offended you,
of course, such a young lady and your age. It is a
pleasant sight, your excellency, It really is a pleasant sight, such a
union in the prime of life. But don't call the servants, for God's
sake, don't call the servants. Servants would only laugh. I know them,
that is. I don't mean that I am only acquainted with footman.
I have a footman of my own, her excellency, and they are always
laughing the asses, Your highness, I believe I am not mistaken. I
am addressing a prince. No, I am not a prince, Sir.
I am an independent gentleman. Please do not flatter me with your highness.
How did you get her, sir? How did you get here, your
highness, that is, your excellency, Excuse me, I thought that you
were, Your Highness, I looked, I imagined. It does happen.
You are so like Prince Karakhohoff, whom I have had the honor of meeting
at my friend, mister Pussyrius. You see, I am acquainted with princess
too. I have met princess too at the houses of my friends. You
cannot take me for what you take me for. I am not at your
excellency. Don't call the servants. What will be the good of it if
you do call them? But how did you come here? Cried the lady.
Who are you? Yes, who are you? The husband chimed in,
and my love, I thought it was pussy under the bed, sneezing,
and it was he, Oh, you vagabond, who are you?
Tell me? And the old gentleman stamped on the carpet again. I cannot
speak, your excellency. I am waiting till you are finished. I am
enjoying your witty jokes as regards me. It is an absurd story, your
excellency. I will tell you all about it. It can all be explained
without more ado. That is I mean. Don't call the servants, your
excellency, treat me in a gentlemanly way. It needs nothing that I was
under the bed. I have not sacrificed my dignity by that. It is
a most comical story, your excellency, cried Ivan Andritch, addressing the lady
with a supplicating air. You particularly, your excellency, will laugh. You
behold upon the seam a jealous husband. You see, I abased myself.
I abased myself of my own free will. I did indeed kill amishka.
But my god, I don't know what I'm saying, But how how did
you get here? Undercover of night, your excellency? Undercover of night?
I beg your pardon, for give me, your excellency, I humbly beg
your pardon. I am only an injured husband, nothing more. Don't imagine,
your excellency, that I am a lover. I am not a lover.
Your wife is virtue itself. If I may venture so to express myself,
She's pure and innocent. What what? What did you have the audacity
to say? Cried the old gentleman, stamping his foot again. Are you
out of your mind or not? How dare you talk about my wife's villain,
A murderer who has killed a mishka, wailed the lady, dissolving into
tears. And then he dares, your excellency, Your excellency, I spoke
foolishly, cried Ivan andrech in a bluster. I was talking foolishly, that
was all. Think of me as out of my mind, goodness sakes,
think of me as out of my mind. I assure you that you will
be doing me the greatest favor. I would offer you my hand, but
I do not venture to. I was not alone, I was an uncle.
I mean to say that you cannot hate me for the lover goodness,
I have put my foot in it. Again, do not be offended,
your excellency, cried Ivan Andrech to the lady. You are a lady.
You understand what love is. It is a delicate feeling. But what am
I saying? I am talking nonsense again. That is I mean to say
that I am an old man, that is a middle age man, not
an old man. That I cannot be your lover. That a lover is
a Richardson, that is a lovelace. I am talking nonsense. But you
see, your excellency, that I am a well educated man and know something
of literature. You are laughing, your excellency. I am delighted, delighted
that I have provoked your mird, Your excellency, Oh, how delighted I
am that I have provoked your mird. My goodness, what a funny man,
cried the lady exploding with laughter. Yes he is funny, and insert
your mess, said the old man, delighted that his wife was laughing.
He cannot be a thief, my love. But how did he come here?
It really is strange, It really is strange. It is like a
novel at the dead of night in a great city, a man under a
bed, strange funny age, rinaldo rinaldini at their in fashion. But that
is no matter, no matter, your excellency. I will tell you all
about it, and I will buy you a lapdog, your excellency, a
wonderful lapdog. Sch your long coat, such short little legs. It can't
walk more than a step or two. It runs a little gets entangled in
its own coat, and tumbles over one feeds it on nothing by sugar.
I will bring you one. I will certainly bring you one. The lady
was rolling from side to side with laughter. Oh dear, I shall have
a staring so how funny he Yes, yes he is funny, and he
is in a mess, your excellency, Your excellency, I am now perfectly
happy. I would offer you my hand, but I do not bet you.
To your excellency, I feel that I have been in error. But
now I am opening my eyes. I am certain my wife is pure and
innocent. I was wrong in suspecting her. Why it's why, cried the
lady, with tears in her eyes, through laughing. He married impossible.
I should never have thought it, said the old gentleman, Your excellency,
my wife, it is all her fault, that is, it is my
fault. I suspected her. I knew that an assignation had been arranged here
here upstairs, I intercepted a letter, made a mistake about the story,
and got under the bed. Ha ha ha ha. Ivan Andreche began laughing
at last. Oh how happy I am. Oh, how wonderful to see
that we are also happy and harmonious, and my wife is entirely innocent.
That must be so, wed, excellency, hit Do you know, my
love? Who it was? Said the old man, at last, recovering
from his mirror. Who she must be? The pretty woman who makes eyes,
the one with the dandy. It's she? I bet that's his wife.
No, your excellency, I am certain it is not she. I
am perfectly certain. But my goodness, you are losing time, cried the
lady, leaving off laughing right upstairs. Perhaps you will find them, certainly,
your excellency, I will fly, but I shall not find anyone,
Your excellency, It is not she. I am certain of it beforehand.
She is at home now. It is all my fault. It is simply
my jealousy, nothing else. What do you think do you suppose that I
shall find the mirror, your excellency, ha ha ha, You must go,
You must go, And when you come down, come in and tell
us, cried the lady. How better still tomorrow morning, and do bring
her too. I should like to make her acquaintance. Goodbye, your excellency,
goodbye. I will certainly bring her. I shall be very glad for
her to make your acquaintance. I am glad and happy that it was all
ended so and has turned out for the best. And a lap dog,
don't forget it. Be sure to bring the lap dog. I will bring
it, your excellency. I will certainly bring it, responded Ivan Andritch,
starting back into the room, for he had already made his bows and withdrawn.
I will certainly bring it. It is such a pretty one. It
is just as though a confectioner had made it of sweet beats. And it's
such a funny little thing gets entangled in his own coat and falls over.
It really is a lap dog, I said to my wife, How is
it, my love? It keeps tumbling over. It's such a little thing,
she said, as though it were made of sugar. I sugar,
your excellency. Goodbye, Your excellency, very very glad to make your acquaintance,
Very glad to make your acquaintance. Ivan andreach about himself out, Hey,
sir, stay, come back, cried the old gentleman. After the
retreating Ivan Andreach, the latter turned back for the third time. Still can't
find the cat. Didn't you meet him when you were under the bend?
No, why he didn't, Your excellency, very glad to make his acquaintance,
though, and I shall look upon it as an honor. He has
a cold in his head now and keep sneezing and sneezing. He must have
a beating, Yes, your excellency, of course, corrective punishment is essential
with domestic animals. What I say that corrective punishment is necessary, your excellency,
to enforce obedience in the domestic anim Ah, well, goodbye, goodbye.
That is all I had to say. Coming out into the street.
Ivan Andreitch stood for a long time in an attitude that suggested that he was
expecting to have a fit. In another minute, he took off his hat,
wiped the cold sweat from his brow, screwed up his eyes, thought
a minute, and set off homeward. What was his amazement when he learned
at home that Glefia Petrovna had come back from the theater a long long time
before, that she had a truthache, that she had sent for the doctor,
that she had sent for leeches, and that now she was lying in
bed and expecting Ivan andrech Ivan Andretch slapped himself on the forehead, told the
servant to help him wash and to brush's clothes, and at last ventured to
go into his wife's room. Where is it you spend your time? Look?
What a sight you are? What do you look like? Where have
have you been lost all this time? Upon my word, sir, your
wife is dying and you have to be hunted for all over town. Where
have you been? Surely you have not been tracking me trying to disturb a
rendezvous I am supposed to add, made, though I don't know with whom.
For Shane, Sir, you are a husband. People will soon be
pointing at you in the street. But love, responded Ivan Andrech. But
at this point he was so overcome with confusion that he had to feel in
his pocket for his handkerchief and to break off in the speech he was beginning,
because he had neither words, thoughts, or courage. What was his
amazement, horror and alarm when with his handkerchief fell out of his pocket the
corpse of Nishka. Ivan Andreyitch had not noticed that. When he had been
forced to creep out from under the bed in an excess of despair and unreasoning
terror, he had stuffed Anishka into his pocket with a faraway idea of burying
the traces, concealing the evidence of his crime and so avoiding the punishment he
deserved. What's this, cried a spouse, a nasty dead dog. Goodness,
where has it come from? What have you been up to? Where
have you been? Tell me at once? Where have you been, my
love? Answered Ivan Andreyitch, Almost as dead as Anishka, my love.
But here we will leave our hero till another time, for a new and
quite different adventure begins here. Someday we will describe all these calamities and misfortunes.
Gentlemen, but you will admit that jealousy is an unpardonable passion, and
what is more, it is a positive misfortune. End of chapter eight