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You're listening to KFI Am six forty
on demand KFI Am six forty. You

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know doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show.

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All right, is it possible that
there's an app out there that can fix

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your relationship? Well, only if
it's designed by a psychologist and researchers who

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really understand the science of love.
You know, I've read a lot of

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research on long term, happily married
couples who still love each other, who

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still report high levels of relationship satisfaction
decades into it, and there's one thing

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they all have in common. They
continue to value their mate. And this

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value doesn't come because their mate just
keeps doing spectacular things. It comes because

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they have this internal sense of I
appreciate this person. I know how to

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catch them being good. Someone sent
me an article on this new app and

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it was developed by a young woman
and actually very interesting story. She was

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studying epidemiology and neuroscience at Rochester University. And I'm going to try to say

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her name because she deserves a credit, but it's so hard to pronounce Kadisha,

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oh Kudli. How do you think
I did? Kayla Kadishah better than

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Wudli. That was great, oh
wood de LEI. Yeah. Anyway,

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So when she was in her twenties, she was diagnosed with a life threatening

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heart disorder. The disorder that she
was diagnosed with has a mortality rate of

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fifty percent, and at the beginning
she actually wasn't responding well to treatment.

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So it made her, like so
many people do when they're about to have

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a near death experience, examine her
relationships and her closeness to people. And

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she wanted to ask the most meaningful
questions of the people she loved so that

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she could feel close to them before
she left them because she really believed she

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was dying her health was deteriorating.
But what she discovered is that her relationships

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started to thrive, and surprise,
surprise, she also physically got better.

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Now, I'm not saying every time
you have a healthy relationship, you're not

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going to ever get sick, but
there's research out there to show that happily

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married people get sick less often and
live longer and have much better physical and

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mental health. So they all kind
of work together, you know. I'm

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a professor of health psychology at kel
State Channel Islands and One of the things

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I teach is that healthy relationships can
make you healthier, but toxic relationships can

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make you sick as well. So
we're not sure the connection between what she

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went through, But eventually, a
few years later, her health finally stabilized

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and she thought, well, we
don't all need to have a near death

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experience to get these meaningful conversations right. So she worked with a professor.

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His name is Ronald rogi At.
He was professor of psychology at the University

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of Rochester, and they looked at
all the research out there and they wanted

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to design an app that couples could
use every day that would give them a

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little prompt that would help remind them
of who they were with and how they

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could appreciate. Now here's the good
news. I mean, every app designer

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in the world hopes this happens,
right. I think it was in twenty

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twenty one or twenty twenty two,
some TikToker with only sixty five thousand followers

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made a little TikTok video that went
completely viral around the Internet and in one

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day, one hundred and sixty thousand
people came onto the app. Apparently,

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now they have more than two million
people using the app, so they have

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enough users that they were actually able
to do some research on whether this app

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works. So they took four hundred
and five romantic couples. Ninety one percent

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were heterosexual. They were all in
their twenties or thirties. They've been together

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on average, these couples, the
average amount of time they've been together is

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four point six years, and about
a third of them were married, some

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were living together, but also a
third of them were unhappy in their relationships,

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a third were satisfied, and a
third didn't matter right. So they

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followed. They asked them to use
this app once a day over the course

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of a month get and they also
had to do weekly wellness check ins.

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And guess what. They found out
that ninety nine percent of couples using the

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app and eighty eight percent parah,
so there's how many participated. Eighty eight

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percent provided follow up data, and
they found that the vast majority eighty percent

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of the people found that their relationship
got happier during the month. I haven't

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even told you the name of the
app yet, but let me tell you

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what it does. It sends couples
a daily prompt such as this what's something

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that your partner did in the past
week that made you laugh, It makes

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your brain stop and take a moment
to think about a warm memory that's recent

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with your partner to help you value
it. Or the prompt might say something

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like describe a time you were thankful
to have your partner by your side.

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You know, I think of all
kinds of times I'm thankful to have my

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partner with me. Here's if some
of them are even funny. If your

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partner had a theme song that would
play around them as they went through their

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day, what would it be and
why? So now you're imagining your partner

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as part of like a music video
with his or her own theme song.

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Sometimes it's something really imaginative, like
what unique skills would your partner bring to

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surviving a zombie apocalypse? Well,
the thing I can say about Julio is

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very mechanically inclined, and he can
figure out how to fix anything or do

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anything. So in fact, we
were making garland for the top of the

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fireplace. He never he didn't even
know what it was, didn't even know

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how to do it. But I
had some wire, I had some decorations

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as and branches. Before I know
it. He's cutting them, he's lining

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them up, he's wiring them together, and he figured it out. So

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if there was a zombie apocalypse,
at least I could have some Garland.

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I will say that, you know
what, wouldn't it be nice if every

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day we could just take one moment
and think about why we appreciate our partner.

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It actually can help you have a
better quality of life. Okay,

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the name of the app, and
nobody paid me to say this, By

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the way, I just read the
science on it. I found it interesting.

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Is Agape Agapa. It's on the
I downloaded it today. It's free.

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That's the other thing. So I
highly suggest if you, if you

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know, even if your relationship is
healthy and happy, you want to keep

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it that way. Don't you write
this fifty percent divorce rate that you hear

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all the time can be terrifying,
So why not do the work? This

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is the problem. I say that
relationship is far more about sks than lock.

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But people forgot forget to practice,
right. If you do a sport,

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you got to keep practicing. If
you're in a relationship, you got

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to keep practicing. All right.
When we come back, I want to

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take your social media questions because so
many have been coming at me. If

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you have a relationship question, all
you do is send it in a DM

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on Instagram or TikTok or Facebook or
YouTube. My handle everywhere is at doctor

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Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh,
and I'm happy to say them on the

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air. I do keep your name
anonymous because you know, some of the

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stuff is very tender. But we're
going to be going to social media when

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we come back, and what else
do is I going to say, Kayla

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with there's something else going on before
we go to social media? Do you

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remember what it was that I always
wanted to mention? Well, we're I

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think we're just going on social media. Maybe maybe they should follow you on

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Patreon and catch up with you on
the latest. I don't know if that's

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what you're going to say, but
they definitely should do that. So my

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Patreon group is so interesting. Some
of them with me two years and they

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have as much wisdom as I do. Now. They send me studies and

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go can we talk about this?
It's like Professor Wendy puts on her hat

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and it's like a book group,
but we just talk about the science of

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love. That's every Wednesday, and
yeah, we'll be there this Wednesday,

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sixth thirty. Anyway, when we
come back, I am going to social

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media. You are listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six

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forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM

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six forty on demand. I am
six forty. You are Doctor Wendy Walsh

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with you. This is the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show. If you'd like to

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send me a DM on social media, I'm going to social instead of taking

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calls this week. Just something different. The handle everywhere is at d R

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Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Just a reminder, I'm not a therapist.

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I'm a psychology professor, and my
wisdom comes from reading a lot of

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science and having a lot of the
life experience. Just call me Auntie Wendy.

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All right, here we go.
I'll keep you anonymous. Don't worry,

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no names. Here. Here we
go. Hey, doctor Wendy.

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Why why is it says this person
that I don't get that butterfly emotional feeling

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when I like someone. I used
to get it when I was eighteen or

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nineteen, but not as I've gotten
older, Thank goodness, because you know

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what that butterfly feeling is. It
is not love. It's anxiety. And

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probably at the beginning, when you
were young, you are feeling a lot

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of anxiety about somebody new, and
then you kind of get accustomed to those

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love hormones. Butterflies don't mean love, they don't mean magic, they don't

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mean you're a match. They just
mean you're nervous. That's all. That's

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all they mean. So you don't
have to be nervous anymore. Okay,

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scrolling on down here we go.
Uh, Dear doctor Wendy, this is

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going to seem deeply insecure because it's
coming from a deeply insecure space. Okay,

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well, you admit it. My
boyfriend's ex is your standard super hot

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la cool girl. We have mutuals, so I see her on socials all

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the time. She's absolutely stunning.
Has perfect plastic surgery. Screech, can

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we shop stop? Stop? What
perfect plastic surgery means that she's a great

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hot person, Darling. It means
that she's insecure about something and she had

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to go to a doctor to try
to get it fixed. If the yeah,

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if young girls are calling plastic surgery
perfect. You're missing the boat anyway,

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I'm going to continue. She's always
traveling doing luxurious things. I know

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that I'm attractive, but honestly,
I'm kind of a door. Who told

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you that? I just want to
say that, who told you that?

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Why do you believe that my idea
of a wild night is a couple?

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Margerita's in a Mexican restaurant. I'm
a teacher, You're a catch. Did

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you know the number one profession that
men like to date are teachers? Teachers

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and nurses. What's a relationship?
It's an exchange of care. But here's

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the problem. You say, I
can't help but compare myself to her.

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I know that my boyfriend me,
but does he think she's so much cooler

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than me? Okay, I just
need to say that. This is how

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an anxious attachment style works. When
you're in a relationship with somebody who has

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a secure attachment style, you're jealous
of a ghost or so he's not with

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her, he dumped her, or
she dumped him, whatever, they're not

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together. There's no reason to be
envious of this person. To tell you,

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the crazy tricks that our brains play
on us one time when I had

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an anxious attachment to this playboy guy
and he was coming and going. I

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hadn't heard from him in a couple
months. I had this thought, and

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it was the craziest thought in the
world. I'm literally at the grocery store.

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I'm checking out, and there was
a pretty cashier and I felt my

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body yet all envious and upset.
And I said he could even be dating

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her and I don't know it.
And I literally worked myself into a tizzy

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inside my head because I hadn't heard
from him in a few months. Okay,

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that's crazy making I think you need
to go see a therapist and you

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need to work on your self esteem. It sounds like you have a great

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guy, and why are you worrying
about her? No? No, no,

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you should definitely unfollow her because this
is triggering you, all right,

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Uh, Dear doctor Wendy. I've
been on a few dates with a guy.

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He doesn't initiate texting as much,
but when I do, he plans

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a date that week within the same
day. Not sure what to do?

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Is I like texting, but I
don't want to text the first time every

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time? And you shouldn't. Okay, everybody of all genders values something they

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have to work for. If you're
doing all the work, it's too easy

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for him. Please don't text him. Just see how long it takes him,

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and if it takes him too long, get rid of him. You

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shouldn't have to do all this work, especially at the beginning. You've only

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been on a few dates. He
should be chasing you hard at the beginning.

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This is what I'm saying. We're
in a high supple lie sexual economy

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where the price of sex has dropped
to one well worded text. You know,

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in nineteen fifty the price of sex
was six months of dating and an

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altar. In the eighties it was
three very expensive dates. And now dudes

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just have to say you up.
That's it. Oh breaks my heart.

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Stop texting him. Hi, doctor
Wendy. Just trying to get some perspective

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on a situation. My friend is
in Oh about your friend. She's been

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dating a new guy for about a
month and they're apparently deeply in love.

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I'm not sure I buy it.
He was in a long term relationship for

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six years, they even had a
kid together, then immediately dated someone else

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for six months, then left that
person to date my friend. She's just

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coming out of a bad breakup after
a year's long relationship, and I feel

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she's very vulnerable and I think she's
being love bombed and she's going to end

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up getting hurt. I know he
was telling the girl before her that he

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loved her within the first month also, but she was more hesitant to jump

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right in. Am I being too
cautious? Or does this sound like trouble

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anything I say? Is there anything
I could say to open her eyes a

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bit? Nope? You can only
be there to pick up the pieces.

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She's going to get hurt and it's
okay. You see, here's the thing

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love hurts and how we grow and
learn our patterns. What does Taylor Swift

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say, Hi, it's me,
I'm the problem right. She's realizing the

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only way you come to the realization
that you have the pattern is through being

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hurt again and again and again.
There's nothing you can say, especially right

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now. They're four weeks into it
and their brains are on a drug.

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It's a neuro cocktail of love hormones. They can't even see straight. So

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the only thing you're going to look
like is a party pooper who's raining on

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their parade. So no, but
be a good friend and when and if

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it happens that they break up,
because he sounds like he's got the anxious

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attachment style and moves very quickly,
quickly, quickly. We don't know.

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But maybe then you'll be there with
the friends with the arms. Not to

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say I told you so, don't
say that. Let's say I understand he

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was so promising. There was so
much there wasn't it. Oh, it

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must hurt to lose him. Be
a good supportive friend when it goes south.

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If it does go south, you
never know. You might be a

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bridesmaid in the wedding. Who knows. Dear doctor Wendy, I have a

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question about intimacy. I've been on
two dates with this guy and we've had

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sex. That's the problem. Oh, so she has a problem with his

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anatomy not matching hers and it was
painful. I don't want to say some

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of the language she used, any
advice. So here's the thing. I

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am not a sexologist. I have
a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a

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psychology professor, so I tend to
not do plumbing stuff. I will say

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that if you're having pain full sex
and you're not a good match, and

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it's very early on because there's no
investment. After two dates, you can

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disappear. I mean you shouldn't.
You shouldn't ghost, but there's not You

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can get out of it if you
want to. But if you want to

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pursue an emotionally intimate relationship then and
you're sure that this anatomy is not going

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to work for you, then you're
gonna have to find other things to do.

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Maybe see a sex therapist, maybe
talk about this. But yeah,

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I can't give you plumbing advice,
not my deal, all right. When

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we come back. A boyfriend who
ended things because he said he can't keep

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up with her lifestyle. I've got
some advice for her when we come back.

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You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty.

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We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio Apple. You're listening to KFI AM six forty

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on demand KFI AM six forty.
You a doctor Wendy Walsh with you.

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This is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. I'm a psychology professor and I'm obsessed

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with the science of love and I
love to weigh in on your love lives.

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All right, So this listener writes
to me, and she says,

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my boyfriend sort of ended things because, quote, he can't keep up with

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my lifestyle. I've got my own
business and I work in the entertainment industry.

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He's got a regular job. He
doesn't make as much money as me.

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I've got a super flexible, flexible
schedule, but he's got to work

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every day nine to five, sometimes
on weekends. I told him this doesn't

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matter and we'd be able to work
through it, and even if I had

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to come stay at his place sometimes. We've been together only a few months,

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but he keeps saying that he worries
that he'll never be able to keep

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up with me or do the things
I want to do. He thinks I'm

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better off with someone who's more successful. Any financially independent freelance women advice,

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freelance women advice for me. Okay, let me just say this. This

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is all on him, not you, obviously, because I tell women all

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the time that your idea of a
power man might just be a man who

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can power a stroller. That women
are surging ahead, we are quickly become

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eventually will get there a matriarchal culture, and this situation is going to happen

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a lot for the woman has more
money than the man. And while I

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say women, you need to learn
to accept that, I also tell men

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that you need to learn to be
with a financially stable woman. And I'm

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worried that he's going to always feel
insecure and less than and that's his inside

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work that he's got to do.
He's got to go to therapy, learn

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how to build his self esteem,
learn that it's okay to not follow a

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traditional gender role, know that it's
okay to be supportive of a woman in

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her life. The more men who
can think like that, the more healthier

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families that we're going to have.
So I'm sorry you're going through this,

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but you can't fix him or change
him unless he decides he wants to fix

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this. Hey, doctor, Wendy
says this listener. I'm a single mom,

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thirty six. I work for time. I'm also working on my master's

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degree. Congratulations, good to you. There's a guy in my class,

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he's only twenty six. I have
a little crush on. We talk in

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text, but I feel weird suggesting
we hang out. I feel there's chemistry,

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but who knows if he feels that. Do you think this can work

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out. I don't know what does
work out mean. Do you think the

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two of you could get together and
have sex? Yeah? Probably probably.

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I always say to myself these thirty
six is not that old. But these

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older women who say, oh,
you know, I must be so hot

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because I can get this young guy. I'm like, young guys will shoot

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at anything, any target. Okay, look, I would suggest keeping this

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guy because of the ten year age
difference. I'm sure he doesn't have kids,

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keeping him out of your family life. But if you want to have

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a little romantic pocket, it's no
difference than going to get a massage,

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take a break from your kids.
He's probably up for it. Now if

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you're looking for a stepfather and a
husband, and there's a very good chance

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that this is not the guy for
that, for all kinds of reasons.

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Although I say this, this is
a very different time. But back in

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the nineteen seventy, see how long
ago it was. I in my neighborhood

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there was a woman and she was
the first single mother I'd ever met,

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and she had four kids. One
of the kids was in my class.

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She became one of my dearest friends
for life, and I just thought this

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mother was so cool because she was
so young and hip, and she was

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in her thirties. Then she married
this guy and he ended up adopting all

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of the kids. And only many, many many years later did I learn

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that he was in his twenties and
he married a thirty six year old woman

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with four kids, adopted all her
kids and helped raise them. I know,

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I don't know if they make men
like that anymore. Just don't know.

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Don't know anyway, enjoy yourself with
him, protect your kids. That's

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all I have to say. All
right, Dear doctor Wendy, how do

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you handle someone who may not have
completely ghosted you, uh, here we

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go, and doesn't communicate with you
as before. Do you address it with

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him or just let it go?
Okay, Taylor Swift, let me explain.

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You can write lyrics about this.
You know what, he's weaning you

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or he's keeping you as a backup
mate. If he's not being attentive,

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he's not being energetic, and he's
not trying, it's because he has too

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much romantic opportunity and he's not ready
to have a one on one relationship.

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So no, if you bring it
up, that's you trying to change his

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behavior. I want everyone to understand
it is not our job to change anybody.

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It is not our job to educate
him, although I tried to educate

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a lot of men in my life. I will say that it is not

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our job. It is your job
to have boundaries and change your reaction to

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them. So that means, if
he's not texting you enough for your liking,

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move on, Just move on,
change your behavior, don't call him

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up and go I I did this, I used to go this. I'd

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say, how come you never call
me? How can we go out with

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him? This great time, we
have wonderful sex, and how come you

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never call me? So stupid?
That's how I behaved, so stupid.

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Just move on. You're not getting
your needs met? Move on. Oh,

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similar kind of question, Dear doctor
Wendy, how do I handle not

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beating myself up or pushing my situationship
away because of his poor communication? Okay,

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you did the right thing. You
should be doing the touchdown cheer.

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You realize that communication wasn't good.
You weren't getting what you wanted. You're

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in some weird kind of situationship that
didn't have a relationship identity, so you

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launched him. Congratulations, The act
of finding a good mate is about learning

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how to reject most mates. Did
you know that people who have a secure

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attachment style when they meet somebody who
has an anxious or avoidant attachment style,

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they just naturally move away from them. This is not really interested. Doesn't

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turn them on. The fact that
you're turned on by this loss, that's

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a problem. You and your therapists
need to talk about that. For sure.

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You should be doing the touchdown cheer. You punted him, yay,

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all right when we come back.
Words have power, and I've got some

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things that you should never ever,
ever ever say in a relationship. You're

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listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
on KFI AM six forty with live everywhere

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00:23:18.519 --> 00:23:23.839
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening
to KFI AM six forty on demand KFI

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00:23:25.200 --> 00:23:27.599
AM six forty. You have Doctor
Wendy Waalsh with you. This is the

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00:23:27.640 --> 00:23:32.759
home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Wall
Show. Reminder, I'm here every Sunday

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00:23:32.759 --> 00:23:36.000
from seven to nine pm. But
if you miss any bit of this show,

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00:23:36.400 --> 00:23:40.039
you simply download the iHeartRadio app and
you can listen to it anytime,

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00:23:40.279 --> 00:23:45.519
live or on demand. Whatever you
need. I said at the top of

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this show, I'll say it again, relationships are far more about skill than

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luck. Unfortunately, so many of
us grew up in families where the skills

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that we learned weren't helpful to our
adult romantic relationships. We might have had

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parents who didn't fight fairly or were
critical parents to us as children, and

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we get into these automatic patterns in
our relationships. Now, plenty of people

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stay together for years and years,
but they're unhappy. They don't feel heard

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or seen or loved. They stay
together for financial reasons, they stay together

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for the children, they stay together
because families it's a bridge between tribes,

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all that stuff. But they haven't
done the work. So here's a little

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workbook for you of things that I
think you should never say in relationships.

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You know, words have power,
and the big damage that happens to relationships

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usually doesn't happen to the big,
giant blow ups. They happen every day

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with the tiny little comments. Those
thoughtless, hurtful words the day after day

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00:24:57.400 --> 00:25:07.039
after day are to erode love.
They're painful, they're inciting, they're insulting,

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00:25:07.839 --> 00:25:11.440
and they can leave invisible scars that
eventually destroy your relationship. And then

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00:25:11.519 --> 00:25:15.200
you go to people wait too long
to go to marital therapy or couple's therapy,

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00:25:15.240 --> 00:25:19.039
and then they say they're really there
trying to break up instead of going

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there at the beginning so they can
learn how to have a healthy relationship.

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And you know, you can say, well, you know, he or

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she feels sorry after they say those
things, and they always apologize. But

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you know what, it's really hard
to recreate a feeling of comfort, safety,

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and trust if those words have come
out. So here are some things

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that you probably shouldn't be saying in
your relationship. The first category has to

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00:25:45.799 --> 00:25:48.599
do with dismissing, and there's so
much research out of the Marriage Lab at

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00:25:48.640 --> 00:25:52.960
the University of Washington, John Gottman's
work saying that the worst kind of partner

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00:25:53.359 --> 00:25:57.319
is the one when they're the going
gets tough, ends up changing the subject

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00:25:57.400 --> 00:26:02.400
or being dismissive, saying things like
you don't know what you're talking about,

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00:26:02.960 --> 00:26:06.519
or gaslighting somebody. I never said
that to you, You're just making things

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00:26:06.599 --> 00:26:10.680
up, Or why do you keep
thinking I'm the one who's always at fault.

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00:26:10.759 --> 00:26:12.720
I've never done anything to make you
feel or this is all in your

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00:26:12.759 --> 00:26:18.559
head right, that kind of like
your feelings are not important, Your words

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00:26:18.559 --> 00:26:22.880
are not important. In fact,
you're remembering it all wrong. If you

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00:26:22.920 --> 00:26:26.480
find you're saying that in a relationship, you may be headed to divorce court.

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00:26:27.480 --> 00:26:33.200
Now. Another technique is channeling the
parent, the critical parent that lives

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00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:38.160
inside you. And you scold your
lover like they're a child. How many

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00:26:38.160 --> 00:26:41.559
times do I have to tell you
stop doing that? What's wrong with you?

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00:26:42.240 --> 00:26:48.319
Oh? Another stupid decision? Are
you're so immature scolding as if you're

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a parent. Your love partner is
not your parent. They should be your

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00:26:55.200 --> 00:27:00.880
best friend and they should want the
best for you. To words that you

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00:27:00.880 --> 00:27:04.880
should never say, especially in conflict
are always and never, First of all,

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00:27:06.000 --> 00:27:10.200
because they're lies. It's not true
you always do that, you know

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00:27:10.279 --> 00:27:12.720
they don't, They don't always do
that, or you never ever you know

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00:27:12.759 --> 00:27:15.279
what they did once. That's how
you fell in love with them, right,

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00:27:15.640 --> 00:27:22.480
So don't say always, don't say
never. Catch your self being careful

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00:27:22.000 --> 00:27:27.240
not to say those words because they're
absolutely not true. And what will happen

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00:27:27.559 --> 00:27:30.599
is you'll get in a tit for
tat argument like no, well that's not

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00:27:30.640 --> 00:27:33.480
true because there was the one time
I did this and I bought you flowers

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00:27:33.519 --> 00:27:37.440
then and blah blah blah. Right, so then you're just arguing, but

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00:27:37.839 --> 00:27:44.160
you know whether always and never is
correct instead of what's really happening. You

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00:27:44.200 --> 00:27:51.240
know, a really hurtful thing that
sometimes one partner will do is they use

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public shame. You See, relationships
should be a safe place. There should

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00:27:56.880 --> 00:28:00.759
be protection. You should feel safe
to be able to say say absolutely anything

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00:28:00.799 --> 00:28:06.880
to your partner, but if they
use it against you in an argument or

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00:28:06.880 --> 00:28:10.880
in public, right, like they
might say something like, oh my god,

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00:28:11.440 --> 00:28:12.480
how do you think people would feel
if they knew that about you?

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00:28:14.279 --> 00:28:17.680
Or oh my god, you better
be careful about saying that in public,

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00:28:18.519 --> 00:28:22.480
or you share something. Hey,
nobody's perfect. You share something and they

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00:28:22.480 --> 00:28:26.200
go you should be so ashamed of
yourself. Pushing shame as a way to

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00:28:26.279 --> 00:28:33.480
control and manipulate you is not healthy. And in along the same lines,

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00:28:36.359 --> 00:28:40.839
somebody has shared with you their tender
spots, you don't throw it back at

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00:28:40.920 --> 00:28:45.000
them during a fight, things like
you know your mom was crazy and now

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00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:48.000
you're acting just like your crazy mom. Or oh okay, so i'm your

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00:28:48.039 --> 00:28:55.119
abandoning father. Now now I'm going
to be that guy. Right If somebody

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00:28:55.319 --> 00:29:02.119
is vulnerable and open and honest and
able to share some tender things. Those

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00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:08.359
tender spots are sacred. You need
to protect them. And finally, threats.

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00:29:10.480 --> 00:29:14.920
Please. You're in a relationship,
you're having an argument. People have

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00:29:15.039 --> 00:29:18.200
arguments, that's fine, But if
you're threatening to leave by saying I don't

396
00:29:18.200 --> 00:29:21.880
know why I'm even staying here,
or if you're going to keep acting this

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00:29:21.920 --> 00:29:23.759
way, I just won't call you
anymore, or maybe we should just get

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00:29:23.759 --> 00:29:30.720
divorced. If you start throwing these
threats around, you're not solving things.

399
00:29:30.279 --> 00:29:33.720
You know. I had a conversation
with Hulu today and I can't remember exactly.

400
00:29:34.319 --> 00:29:38.920
It was something business related and how
he wanted to He wanted me to

401
00:29:40.039 --> 00:29:42.079
say something to one of my employees
and he goes, well, you just

402
00:29:42.119 --> 00:29:45.039
got to tell them that this isn't
happening the way you like it, and

403
00:29:45.359 --> 00:29:48.599
this is it, And I go, you know what I have learned in

404
00:29:48.640 --> 00:29:53.480
life, Julio, I never visit
the past. Whenever I want a relationship

405
00:29:53.480 --> 00:29:59.000
to improve with somebody, I talk
about the future so I can say,

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00:29:59.319 --> 00:30:03.000
you know, here's what needs to
be done. I'm wondering if we can

407
00:30:03.039 --> 00:30:06.920
have a better schedule so that you're
able to meet the needs of the job,

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and he was so amazed. I
always say that, you know,

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even with my tenants, I'll say
they'll say, well, you didn't fix

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or you didn't I go, you
know what, instead of blaming and pointing

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fingers, let's just talk about how
we can solve the problem and move forward.

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And I think that should happen in
our romantic relationships. You should get

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00:30:22.039 --> 00:30:27.519
yourself out of the emotional defensive brain
and get into your prefrontal cortex. Do

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00:30:27.640 --> 00:30:33.440
some math, solve some problems.
How can we fix that? If in

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00:30:33.519 --> 00:30:37.400
the middle of a fight you allow
your brain to ask a question with how

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00:30:38.119 --> 00:30:41.039
how how can we get better?
How can we fix this? How can

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00:30:41.079 --> 00:30:45.240
I find the words? How can
I say I'm sorry? How can I

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00:30:45.279 --> 00:30:48.000
show the person I love them?
How can we get closer again? If

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00:30:48.039 --> 00:30:52.359
you allow yourself to have how questions
in your head, you can solve any

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00:30:52.400 --> 00:31:00.720
problem in a relationship. And that
brings the Doctor Wendywell Show to As I

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00:31:00.759 --> 00:31:03.000
said, I'm here every Sunday from
seven to nine pm, live live live

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00:31:03.039 --> 00:31:07.079
for you. I also have a
Patreon Zoom room every Wednesday at six thirty

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00:31:07.079 --> 00:31:10.359
A lot of Camfi listeners in that
room and some of them have been there

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00:31:10.359 --> 00:31:12.200
as long as two years. It's
really cool. We're kind of friends now

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00:31:12.319 --> 00:31:15.240
we've been met in the real world. It's fun. So you're welcome to

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00:31:15.279 --> 00:31:19.000
join my Patreon that's at patreon dot
com slash Doctor Wendy Walsh or send me

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00:31:19.000 --> 00:31:25.559
your questions on social media at Dr
Wendy Walsh Producer Kayla. It's always pleasure

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00:31:25.599 --> 00:31:30.319
to be with you. And next
week it's gonna be Christmas Eve. We're

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00:31:30.319 --> 00:31:36.400
gonna be talking about the psychology of
rituals, the psychology of being with family

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00:31:36.759 --> 00:31:40.160
around the holidays. Thanks for being
with me. You're listening to the Doctor

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00:31:40.160 --> 00:31:47.240
Wendy Wallh Show on KFI AM six
forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI

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00:31:47.359 --> 00:31:48.240
AM six forty on demand,