You're listening to KFI Am six forty on demand KFI Am six forty. You
know doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show.
All right, is it possible that there's an app out there that can fix
your relationship? Well, only if it's designed by a psychologist and researchers who
really understand the science of love. You know, I've read a lot of
research on long term, happily married couples who still love each other, who
still report high levels of relationship satisfaction decades into it, and there's one thing
they all have in common. They continue to value their mate. And this
value doesn't come because their mate just keeps doing spectacular things. It comes because
they have this internal sense of I appreciate this person. I know how to
catch them being good. Someone sent me an article on this new app and
it was developed by a young woman and actually very interesting story. She was
studying epidemiology and neuroscience at Rochester University. And I'm going to try to say
her name because she deserves a credit, but it's so hard to pronounce Kadisha,
oh Kudli. How do you think I did? Kayla Kadishah better than
Wudli. That was great, oh wood de LEI. Yeah. Anyway,
So when she was in her twenties, she was diagnosed with a life threatening
heart disorder. The disorder that she was diagnosed with has a mortality rate of
fifty percent, and at the beginning she actually wasn't responding well to treatment.
So it made her, like so many people do when they're about to have
a near death experience, examine her relationships and her closeness to people. And
she wanted to ask the most meaningful questions of the people she loved so that
she could feel close to them before she left them because she really believed she
was dying her health was deteriorating. But what she discovered is that her relationships
started to thrive, and surprise, surprise, she also physically got better.
Now, I'm not saying every time you have a healthy relationship, you're not
going to ever get sick, but there's research out there to show that happily
married people get sick less often and live longer and have much better physical and
mental health. So they all kind of work together, you know. I'm
a professor of health psychology at kel State Channel Islands and One of the things
I teach is that healthy relationships can make you healthier, but toxic relationships can
make you sick as well. So we're not sure the connection between what she
went through, But eventually, a few years later, her health finally stabilized
and she thought, well, we don't all need to have a near death
experience to get these meaningful conversations right. So she worked with a professor.
His name is Ronald rogi At. He was professor of psychology at the University
of Rochester, and they looked at all the research out there and they wanted
to design an app that couples could use every day that would give them a
little prompt that would help remind them of who they were with and how they
could appreciate. Now here's the good news. I mean, every app designer
in the world hopes this happens, right. I think it was in twenty
twenty one or twenty twenty two, some TikToker with only sixty five thousand followers
made a little TikTok video that went completely viral around the Internet and in one
day, one hundred and sixty thousand people came onto the app. Apparently,
now they have more than two million people using the app, so they have
enough users that they were actually able to do some research on whether this app
works. So they took four hundred and five romantic couples. Ninety one percent
were heterosexual. They were all in their twenties or thirties. They've been together
on average, these couples, the average amount of time they've been together is
four point six years, and about a third of them were married, some
were living together, but also a third of them were unhappy in their relationships,
a third were satisfied, and a third didn't matter right. So they
followed. They asked them to use this app once a day over the course
of a month get and they also had to do weekly wellness check ins.
And guess what. They found out that ninety nine percent of couples using the
app and eighty eight percent parah, so there's how many participated. Eighty eight
percent provided follow up data, and they found that the vast majority eighty percent
of the people found that their relationship got happier during the month. I haven't
even told you the name of the app yet, but let me tell you
what it does. It sends couples a daily prompt such as this what's something
that your partner did in the past week that made you laugh, It makes
your brain stop and take a moment to think about a warm memory that's recent
with your partner to help you value it. Or the prompt might say something
like describe a time you were thankful to have your partner by your side.
You know, I think of all kinds of times I'm thankful to have my
partner with me. Here's if some of them are even funny. If your
partner had a theme song that would play around them as they went through their
day, what would it be and why? So now you're imagining your partner
as part of like a music video with his or her own theme song.
Sometimes it's something really imaginative, like what unique skills would your partner bring to
surviving a zombie apocalypse? Well, the thing I can say about Julio is
very mechanically inclined, and he can figure out how to fix anything or do
anything. So in fact, we were making garland for the top of the
fireplace. He never he didn't even know what it was, didn't even know
how to do it. But I had some wire, I had some decorations
as and branches. Before I know it. He's cutting them, he's lining
them up, he's wiring them together, and he figured it out. So
if there was a zombie apocalypse, at least I could have some Garland.
I will say that, you know what, wouldn't it be nice if every
day we could just take one moment and think about why we appreciate our partner.
It actually can help you have a better quality of life. Okay,
the name of the app, and nobody paid me to say this, By
the way, I just read the science on it. I found it interesting.
Is Agape Agapa. It's on the I downloaded it today. It's free.
That's the other thing. So I highly suggest if you, if you
know, even if your relationship is healthy and happy, you want to keep
it that way. Don't you write this fifty percent divorce rate that you hear
all the time can be terrifying, So why not do the work? This
is the problem. I say that relationship is far more about sks than lock.
But people forgot forget to practice, right. If you do a sport,
you got to keep practicing. If you're in a relationship, you got
to keep practicing. All right. When we come back, I want to
take your social media questions because so many have been coming at me. If
you have a relationship question, all you do is send it in a DM
on Instagram or TikTok or Facebook or YouTube. My handle everywhere is at doctor
Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh, and I'm happy to say them on the
air. I do keep your name anonymous because you know, some of the
stuff is very tender. But we're going to be going to social media when
we come back, and what else do is I going to say, Kayla
with there's something else going on before we go to social media? Do you
remember what it was that I always wanted to mention? Well, we're I
think we're just going on social media. Maybe maybe they should follow you on
Patreon and catch up with you on the latest. I don't know if that's
what you're going to say, but they definitely should do that. So my
Patreon group is so interesting. Some of them with me two years and they
have as much wisdom as I do. Now. They send me studies and
go can we talk about this? It's like Professor Wendy puts on her hat
and it's like a book group, but we just talk about the science of
love. That's every Wednesday, and yeah, we'll be there this Wednesday,
sixth thirty. Anyway, when we come back, I am going to social
media. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six
forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM
six forty on demand. I am six forty. You are Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. If you'd like to
send me a DM on social media, I'm going to social instead of taking
calls this week. Just something different. The handle everywhere is at d R
Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. Just a reminder, I'm not a therapist.
I'm a psychology professor, and my wisdom comes from reading a lot of
science and having a lot of the life experience. Just call me Auntie Wendy.
All right, here we go. I'll keep you anonymous. Don't worry,
no names. Here. Here we go. Hey, doctor Wendy.
Why why is it says this person that I don't get that butterfly emotional feeling
when I like someone. I used to get it when I was eighteen or
nineteen, but not as I've gotten older, Thank goodness, because you know
what that butterfly feeling is. It is not love. It's anxiety. And
probably at the beginning, when you were young, you are feeling a lot
of anxiety about somebody new, and then you kind of get accustomed to those
love hormones. Butterflies don't mean love, they don't mean magic, they don't
mean you're a match. They just mean you're nervous. That's all. That's
all they mean. So you don't have to be nervous anymore. Okay,
scrolling on down here we go. Uh, Dear doctor Wendy, this is
going to seem deeply insecure because it's coming from a deeply insecure space. Okay,
well, you admit it. My boyfriend's ex is your standard super hot
la cool girl. We have mutuals, so I see her on socials all
the time. She's absolutely stunning. Has perfect plastic surgery. Screech, can
we shop stop? Stop? What perfect plastic surgery means that she's a great
hot person, Darling. It means that she's insecure about something and she had
to go to a doctor to try to get it fixed. If the yeah,
if young girls are calling plastic surgery perfect. You're missing the boat anyway,
I'm going to continue. She's always traveling doing luxurious things. I know
that I'm attractive, but honestly, I'm kind of a door. Who told
you that? I just want to say that, who told you that?
Why do you believe that my idea of a wild night is a couple?
Margerita's in a Mexican restaurant. I'm a teacher, You're a catch. Did
you know the number one profession that men like to date are teachers? Teachers
and nurses. What's a relationship? It's an exchange of care. But here's
the problem. You say, I can't help but compare myself to her.
I know that my boyfriend me, but does he think she's so much cooler
than me? Okay, I just need to say that. This is how
an anxious attachment style works. When you're in a relationship with somebody who has
a secure attachment style, you're jealous of a ghost or so he's not with
her, he dumped her, or she dumped him, whatever, they're not
together. There's no reason to be envious of this person. To tell you,
the crazy tricks that our brains play on us one time when I had
an anxious attachment to this playboy guy and he was coming and going. I
hadn't heard from him in a couple months. I had this thought, and
it was the craziest thought in the world. I'm literally at the grocery store.
I'm checking out, and there was a pretty cashier and I felt my
body yet all envious and upset. And I said he could even be dating
her and I don't know it. And I literally worked myself into a tizzy
inside my head because I hadn't heard from him in a few months. Okay,
that's crazy making I think you need to go see a therapist and you
need to work on your self esteem. It sounds like you have a great
guy, and why are you worrying about her? No? No, no,
you should definitely unfollow her because this is triggering you, all right,
Uh, Dear doctor Wendy. I've been on a few dates with a guy.
He doesn't initiate texting as much, but when I do, he plans
a date that week within the same day. Not sure what to do?
Is I like texting, but I don't want to text the first time every
time? And you shouldn't. Okay, everybody of all genders values something they
have to work for. If you're doing all the work, it's too easy
for him. Please don't text him. Just see how long it takes him,
and if it takes him too long, get rid of him. You
shouldn't have to do all this work, especially at the beginning. You've only
been on a few dates. He should be chasing you hard at the beginning.
This is what I'm saying. We're in a high supple lie sexual economy
where the price of sex has dropped to one well worded text. You know,
in nineteen fifty the price of sex was six months of dating and an
altar. In the eighties it was three very expensive dates. And now dudes
just have to say you up. That's it. Oh breaks my heart.
Stop texting him. Hi, doctor Wendy. Just trying to get some perspective
on a situation. My friend is in Oh about your friend. She's been
dating a new guy for about a month and they're apparently deeply in love.
I'm not sure I buy it. He was in a long term relationship for
six years, they even had a kid together, then immediately dated someone else
for six months, then left that person to date my friend. She's just
coming out of a bad breakup after a year's long relationship, and I feel
she's very vulnerable and I think she's being love bombed and she's going to end
up getting hurt. I know he was telling the girl before her that he
loved her within the first month also, but she was more hesitant to jump
right in. Am I being too cautious? Or does this sound like trouble
anything I say? Is there anything I could say to open her eyes a
bit? Nope? You can only be there to pick up the pieces.
She's going to get hurt and it's okay. You see, here's the thing
love hurts and how we grow and learn our patterns. What does Taylor Swift
say, Hi, it's me, I'm the problem right. She's realizing the
only way you come to the realization that you have the pattern is through being
hurt again and again and again. There's nothing you can say, especially right
now. They're four weeks into it and their brains are on a drug.
It's a neuro cocktail of love hormones. They can't even see straight. So
the only thing you're going to look like is a party pooper who's raining on
their parade. So no, but be a good friend and when and if
it happens that they break up, because he sounds like he's got the anxious
attachment style and moves very quickly, quickly, quickly. We don't know.
But maybe then you'll be there with the friends with the arms. Not to
say I told you so, don't say that. Let's say I understand he
was so promising. There was so much there wasn't it. Oh, it
must hurt to lose him. Be a good supportive friend when it goes south.
If it does go south, you never know. You might be a
bridesmaid in the wedding. Who knows. Dear doctor Wendy, I have a
question about intimacy. I've been on two dates with this guy and we've had
sex. That's the problem. Oh, so she has a problem with his
anatomy not matching hers and it was painful. I don't want to say some
of the language she used, any advice. So here's the thing. I
am not a sexologist. I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a
psychology professor, so I tend to not do plumbing stuff. I will say
that if you're having pain full sex and you're not a good match, and
it's very early on because there's no investment. After two dates, you can
disappear. I mean you shouldn't. You shouldn't ghost, but there's not You
can get out of it if you want to. But if you want to
pursue an emotionally intimate relationship then and you're sure that this anatomy is not going
to work for you, then you're gonna have to find other things to do.
Maybe see a sex therapist, maybe talk about this. But yeah,
I can't give you plumbing advice, not my deal, all right. When
we come back. A boyfriend who ended things because he said he can't keep
up with her lifestyle. I've got some advice for her when we come back.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty.
We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio Apple. You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand KFI AM six forty. You a doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. I'm a psychology professor and I'm obsessed
with the science of love and I love to weigh in on your love lives.
All right, So this listener writes to me, and she says,
my boyfriend sort of ended things because, quote, he can't keep up with
my lifestyle. I've got my own business and I work in the entertainment industry.
He's got a regular job. He doesn't make as much money as me.
I've got a super flexible, flexible schedule, but he's got to work
every day nine to five, sometimes on weekends. I told him this doesn't
matter and we'd be able to work through it, and even if I had
to come stay at his place sometimes. We've been together only a few months,
but he keeps saying that he worries that he'll never be able to keep
up with me or do the things I want to do. He thinks I'm
better off with someone who's more successful. Any financially independent freelance women advice,
freelance women advice for me. Okay, let me just say this. This
is all on him, not you, obviously, because I tell women all
the time that your idea of a power man might just be a man who
can power a stroller. That women are surging ahead, we are quickly become
eventually will get there a matriarchal culture, and this situation is going to happen
a lot for the woman has more money than the man. And while I
say women, you need to learn to accept that, I also tell men
that you need to learn to be with a financially stable woman. And I'm
worried that he's going to always feel insecure and less than and that's his inside
work that he's got to do. He's got to go to therapy, learn
how to build his self esteem, learn that it's okay to not follow a
traditional gender role, know that it's okay to be supportive of a woman in
her life. The more men who can think like that, the more healthier
families that we're going to have. So I'm sorry you're going through this,
but you can't fix him or change him unless he decides he wants to fix
this. Hey, doctor, Wendy says this listener. I'm a single mom,
thirty six. I work for time. I'm also working on my master's
degree. Congratulations, good to you. There's a guy in my class,
he's only twenty six. I have a little crush on. We talk in
text, but I feel weird suggesting we hang out. I feel there's chemistry,
but who knows if he feels that. Do you think this can work
out. I don't know what does work out mean. Do you think the
two of you could get together and have sex? Yeah? Probably probably.
I always say to myself these thirty six is not that old. But these
older women who say, oh, you know, I must be so hot
because I can get this young guy. I'm like, young guys will shoot
at anything, any target. Okay, look, I would suggest keeping this
guy because of the ten year age difference. I'm sure he doesn't have kids,
keeping him out of your family life. But if you want to have
a little romantic pocket, it's no difference than going to get a massage,
take a break from your kids. He's probably up for it. Now if
you're looking for a stepfather and a husband, and there's a very good chance
that this is not the guy for that, for all kinds of reasons.
Although I say this, this is a very different time. But back in
the nineteen seventy, see how long ago it was. I in my neighborhood
there was a woman and she was the first single mother I'd ever met,
and she had four kids. One of the kids was in my class.
She became one of my dearest friends for life, and I just thought this
mother was so cool because she was so young and hip, and she was
in her thirties. Then she married this guy and he ended up adopting all
of the kids. And only many, many many years later did I learn
that he was in his twenties and he married a thirty six year old woman
with four kids, adopted all her kids and helped raise them. I know,
I don't know if they make men like that anymore. Just don't know.
Don't know anyway, enjoy yourself with him, protect your kids. That's
all I have to say. All right, Dear doctor Wendy, how do
you handle someone who may not have completely ghosted you, uh, here we
go, and doesn't communicate with you as before. Do you address it with
him or just let it go? Okay, Taylor Swift, let me explain.
You can write lyrics about this. You know what, he's weaning you
or he's keeping you as a backup mate. If he's not being attentive,
he's not being energetic, and he's not trying, it's because he has too
much romantic opportunity and he's not ready to have a one on one relationship.
So no, if you bring it up, that's you trying to change his
behavior. I want everyone to understand it is not our job to change anybody.
It is not our job to educate him, although I tried to educate
a lot of men in my life. I will say that it is not
our job. It is your job to have boundaries and change your reaction to
them. So that means, if he's not texting you enough for your liking,
move on, Just move on, change your behavior, don't call him
up and go I I did this, I used to go this. I'd
say, how come you never call me? How can we go out with
him? This great time, we have wonderful sex, and how come you
never call me? So stupid? That's how I behaved, so stupid.
Just move on. You're not getting your needs met? Move on. Oh,
similar kind of question, Dear doctor Wendy, how do I handle not
beating myself up or pushing my situationship away because of his poor communication? Okay,
you did the right thing. You should be doing the touchdown cheer.
You realize that communication wasn't good. You weren't getting what you wanted. You're
in some weird kind of situationship that didn't have a relationship identity, so you
launched him. Congratulations, The act of finding a good mate is about learning
how to reject most mates. Did you know that people who have a secure
attachment style when they meet somebody who has an anxious or avoidant attachment style,
they just naturally move away from them. This is not really interested. Doesn't
turn them on. The fact that you're turned on by this loss, that's
a problem. You and your therapists need to talk about that. For sure.
You should be doing the touchdown cheer. You punted him, yay,
all right when we come back. Words have power, and I've got some
things that you should never ever, ever ever say in a relationship. You're
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty with live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand KFI
AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Waalsh with you. This is the
home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. Reminder, I'm here every Sunday
from seven to nine pm. But if you miss any bit of this show,
you simply download the iHeartRadio app and you can listen to it anytime,
live or on demand. Whatever you need. I said at the top of
this show, I'll say it again, relationships are far more about skill than
luck. Unfortunately, so many of us grew up in families where the skills
that we learned weren't helpful to our adult romantic relationships. We might have had
parents who didn't fight fairly or were critical parents to us as children, and
we get into these automatic patterns in our relationships. Now, plenty of people
stay together for years and years, but they're unhappy. They don't feel heard
or seen or loved. They stay together for financial reasons, they stay together
for the children, they stay together because families it's a bridge between tribes,
all that stuff. But they haven't done the work. So here's a little
workbook for you of things that I think you should never say in relationships.
You know, words have power, and the big damage that happens to relationships
usually doesn't happen to the big, giant blow ups. They happen every day
with the tiny little comments. Those thoughtless, hurtful words the day after day
after day are to erode love. They're painful, they're inciting, they're insulting,
and they can leave invisible scars that eventually destroy your relationship. And then
you go to people wait too long to go to marital therapy or couple's therapy,
and then they say they're really there trying to break up instead of going
there at the beginning so they can learn how to have a healthy relationship.
And you know, you can say, well, you know, he or
she feels sorry after they say those things, and they always apologize. But
you know what, it's really hard to recreate a feeling of comfort, safety,
and trust if those words have come out. So here are some things
that you probably shouldn't be saying in your relationship. The first category has to
do with dismissing, and there's so much research out of the Marriage Lab at
the University of Washington, John Gottman's work saying that the worst kind of partner
is the one when they're the going gets tough, ends up changing the subject
or being dismissive, saying things like you don't know what you're talking about,
or gaslighting somebody. I never said that to you, You're just making things
up, Or why do you keep thinking I'm the one who's always at fault.
I've never done anything to make you feel or this is all in your
head right, that kind of like your feelings are not important, Your words
are not important. In fact, you're remembering it all wrong. If you
find you're saying that in a relationship, you may be headed to divorce court.
Now. Another technique is channeling the parent, the critical parent that lives
inside you. And you scold your lover like they're a child. How many
times do I have to tell you stop doing that? What's wrong with you?
Oh? Another stupid decision? Are you're so immature scolding as if you're
a parent. Your love partner is not your parent. They should be your
best friend and they should want the best for you. To words that you
should never say, especially in conflict are always and never, First of all,
because they're lies. It's not true you always do that, you know
they don't, They don't always do that, or you never ever you know
what they did once. That's how you fell in love with them, right,
So don't say always, don't say never. Catch your self being careful
not to say those words because they're absolutely not true. And what will happen
is you'll get in a tit for tat argument like no, well that's not
true because there was the one time I did this and I bought you flowers
then and blah blah blah. Right, so then you're just arguing, but
you know whether always and never is correct instead of what's really happening. You
know, a really hurtful thing that sometimes one partner will do is they use
public shame. You See, relationships should be a safe place. There should
be protection. You should feel safe to be able to say say absolutely anything
to your partner, but if they use it against you in an argument or
in public, right, like they might say something like, oh my god,
how do you think people would feel if they knew that about you?
Or oh my god, you better be careful about saying that in public,
or you share something. Hey, nobody's perfect. You share something and they
go you should be so ashamed of yourself. Pushing shame as a way to
control and manipulate you is not healthy. And in along the same lines,
somebody has shared with you their tender spots, you don't throw it back at
them during a fight, things like you know your mom was crazy and now
you're acting just like your crazy mom. Or oh okay, so i'm your
abandoning father. Now now I'm going to be that guy. Right If somebody
is vulnerable and open and honest and able to share some tender things. Those
tender spots are sacred. You need to protect them. And finally, threats.
Please. You're in a relationship, you're having an argument. People have
arguments, that's fine, But if you're threatening to leave by saying I don't
know why I'm even staying here, or if you're going to keep acting this
way, I just won't call you anymore, or maybe we should just get
divorced. If you start throwing these threats around, you're not solving things.
You know. I had a conversation with Hulu today and I can't remember exactly.
It was something business related and how he wanted to He wanted me to
say something to one of my employees and he goes, well, you just
got to tell them that this isn't happening the way you like it, and
this is it, And I go, you know what I have learned in
life, Julio, I never visit the past. Whenever I want a relationship
to improve with somebody, I talk about the future so I can say,
you know, here's what needs to be done. I'm wondering if we can
have a better schedule so that you're able to meet the needs of the job,
and he was so amazed. I always say that, you know,
even with my tenants, I'll say they'll say, well, you didn't fix
or you didn't I go, you know what, instead of blaming and pointing
fingers, let's just talk about how we can solve the problem and move forward.
And I think that should happen in our romantic relationships. You should get
yourself out of the emotional defensive brain and get into your prefrontal cortex. Do
some math, solve some problems. How can we fix that? If in
the middle of a fight you allow your brain to ask a question with how
how how can we get better? How can we fix this? How can
I find the words? How can I say I'm sorry? How can I
show the person I love them? How can we get closer again? If
you allow yourself to have how questions in your head, you can solve any
problem in a relationship. And that brings the Doctor Wendywell Show to As I
said, I'm here every Sunday from seven to nine pm, live live live
for you. I also have a Patreon Zoom room every Wednesday at six thirty
A lot of Camfi listeners in that room and some of them have been there
as long as two years. It's really cool. We're kind of friends now
we've been met in the real world. It's fun. So you're welcome to
join my Patreon that's at patreon dot com slash Doctor Wendy Walsh or send me
your questions on social media at Dr Wendy Walsh Producer Kayla. It's always pleasure
to be with you. And next week it's gonna be Christmas Eve. We're
gonna be talking about the psychology of rituals, the psychology of being with family
around the holidays. Thanks for being with me. You're listening to the Doctor
Wendy Wallh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI
AM six forty on demand,