I'm Judy Black, newest member of the Calamity James playing Gigi. I am
write D and D modules. My newest one is The more Lend Market,
which is all about a weird market set at the edge of the most terrible
place in Ebron. I also write books, so shadows and side shows,
which I always mess up the title of It's about monster Hunters at a nineteen
oh three traveling side show. So here we go. Let's do this thing.
Hi, it's Teresa Glover. I am the author of the Caitlin Kelly
Monster Hunter series and with Falstaff Books, and also an editor with Falstaff Books.
You can generally see me running around conventions like a chicken without a head,
or schlupping books are selling books or that's the easiest place to find me.
I do play Ella, who is let's say, perceptionally challenged. Yeah,
yeah, I guess. I guess that's it for now. Hello Internet,
it's your friend Emily. I play Claudia, the rogue who loves bears,
bear hats, bear arms, bear with me here In real life.
I write under the name young e M. Kaplan, and I write mysteries,
fantasy, even a rom com and new Staff coming from Falstaff soon,
and you can find me at just the mwords dot com. Hey, I'm
Misty Massey. I play Malibu, the ever cheerful, sun drenched cleric who
just wants a party wherever she goes and a chance to make Silas Kane face
justice for his naughty behavior in real life. I'm an editor for lord Seekers
Press and False Staff Books, and I'm the author of the Medchestral series of
pirate fantasy adventures. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and most
recently on the TikTok's, where lately I have been regaling people with cheesy pirate
jokes. Come and listen. Oh wow, I guess that just leaves me
the admiral of this asshole Armada. I am Rachel, but most of you
know me as r. E. Car, author of such titles as four
six, ten point one, five zero and one which yes, they are
a series called Rules Undying and they are in that order. I occasionally slum
it with none other than Silas Kane himself, Rick Walterry to write the False
Icon series, and my newest series starts with The Accidental Summonar, which is
available now from Falstaff Press. Make sure to check it out. And if
you want to hear more from me, you can find me as Total Recar
on all the socials or at Rachel Elainecar dot com, because there are a
lot of our cars out there, and I am not the one that wrote
vegan cookbooks. So when last we left our party, everything's fine, right,
I mean totally not like a enormous wave of alcohol that y'all failed to
stop isn't rising across the horizon with some Maniah cooal dwarf. Hey, what
happens at con stays at con, and there was passion for Malibu rum.
I'm just saying there was a lot of alcohol available, but not just in
real life, but in the game. And I guess before we start,
one last bit of business, if you enjoy the Chronicles of Calamity or the
Calamity James, make sure to follow Authors and Dragons dot com like and subscribe
to our channel. It really helps us out. Now that we've slept our
shit, let's get back to the game. Oh boy, I'm sorry,
there seems to be an emergency announcement before we can get to the disaster at
hand. A badger who's not only wearing a wife beater but has a badge
that looks like it might be from a municipal court has appeared. Wait,
another badger, Another badger, he's in a different orange wife beater slightly different,
has a badge and wears glasses, and he has grabbed none other than
Polly Barton. Polly only with a badge. The badger with a badge,
Yes, the badger has a badge seems unlikely, and they go poof,
leaving behind an official looking court document regarding a summons to appear as witness for
a paternity suit against one fendingo the fantastical. It's just another Tuesday. If
you're a question, If you're a badger with a badge and a wife beater,
where's the badge pinned? It is actually pinned to the upper left shoulder
of said wife beater. Thanks for asking. It's not her. It's a
nipple. Badge is above the nipples. If you are familiar enough nipples,
do a badger have they have? Eight? I believe? Jeez, okay,
and yes I did look that up for the show. Well, I
mean you have met us. True. If anyone needs to research further into
mammalian nipples, we'll be here after the show. When we have questions.
That being said, Polly has gone poof. You have a court document,
oh and an enormous wave of destruction looming on the horizon. I don't care.
I'm in a bubble. It is your turn. Hey. Uh okay,
so I'm not I'm not gg I'm not singing yet yet yet. Yeah,
there there is definitely I mean, you don't even need a perception check.
It's a huge wave that is the color of well light beer gross um.
Okay, alcoholic water gross um. Okay. So uh Gigi, who
I realized now that I never actually like describe. She's a red tee fling
um so to the huh uh. So Gigi is kind of gonna look between
where the badger was and then towards where the brunami is coming, and then
just sighed clarify, it's from this direction the top of the Okay, you're
looking. Okay, I'm gonna sigh very heavily. Uh, and then give
a kiss to a ring on her hand, and then we're gonna go,
let's see. Okay, we're just double checking myself. Don't forget the smell
of beer is in the air. Yeah, I don't think I noticed it.
All right, so I mel we is in gan Eno we is,
well, what a breathing work on baps and I'm going to cast water breathing
on my sails and the other people in the group, So all the Claudia,
the baroness and how many other people are there? On two? Are
you going to give the poor little to Bacsi yeahssengery oh yeah, is still
there? And the badger. Yes, they will both get water breathing.
The two uh, the two guys we were talking to that we were supposed
to keep to stop this whole thing. Buds the buds light. Yeah,
Bud the wiser and Bud the Light. I'll give them water breathing. The
guy with the good buns that Malibu is eyeing also will get water breathing.
That that was Bud the Light. Oh okay, so he's a good impaladent.
Oh yeah, come on. He used to be from the Church of
the Holy Cross of Fitness. The Holy Cross of Fitness. Yea very serious
church. It is it is the pirate looking gal uh. That's it that
everybody else can drown. Just just confirming. I know, I don't know
whether give you inspiration or a penalty for the rest of the game. I'm
putting it on. Okay, so everyone here, this last, oh,
it last for twenty four four hours. For that that might be the nicest
thing anyone's ever done for me a minute? Are people actually like using their
spells of go ahead? Take you get inspiration for inspiration bartic inspiration, it's
annoyed DM inspiration for ruining any fend that y'all might be in danger. It's
a It's a thrilling new world for us. Right, we're not in We're
not in a flatulence land. So a brave new world of competence, the
fold world of competence. I don't find that much pressure on me, though,
trust us, Right at this point, you're already more competent than all
of us. It's true. This is true. And then I'm gonna move
and go try and stand on a table to be just a little higher.
How are you? Would you please describe it in song? Wack d sae
DDA d d d D. All right, you you have successfully while in
a beautiful and obscure tune that may have once been played by the legendary bard
fen Dingo, arrive on top of a table as the wave looms is that
the end of your turn. We okay, maliboo, yes what boying boying,
boy boy, you are inebriated and in a bubble that that is that
is fire. Just to let you know. There is a sparkly line of
sparkly sparkless a massive wave on the horizon. Strangely enough, these people aren't
screaming too much, but you may hear something. Make a perception check,
please, I can where where is my Oh shoot, don't forget, no
I do. I had it. I had my my sheet up and it
went away, so I gotta bring it back up again. Okay, so
zipe reception check. Oh wait, I'm not the fresh one. Never mind,
it's it's there we go. I don't know if I got it.
There's some nice buns on that paladin and you're in a bounty ball with the
smells of strawberries and you're drunk. It's fun. You don't know if any
I don't have a clue. Nope, not the slightest. Here we go,
so I'm just um. I'm still in my ball though, so oh
yeah, it's not going anywhere I am going to see. I think I'm
going to do. Science is what I'm going to do. And I'll remember
you are white girl wasted, absolutely, and I am doing wasted white girl
science. Wait, wasted, white girl science is the most accurate science,
thank you. And that is what I'm doing because I am going to see
exactly how high I can bounce my bubble. And I'm pretty sure white girl
science requires more alcohol. It does better science. But I'm in the bubble,
so don't you get it in the air. But so I'm boying boying,
boying, boying to see how high I can go. Oh lord,
what have I done? Romeo athletics. Athletics athletics. That requires the sheet
again, okay it does. Do not put it away. I didn't.
It went away. I didn't put it away. It went away. Sure
swear, hey o bounty, Yes, white girl science for the women.
Boying boy I would say, you get about three meters in the air,
and from that higher vantage point, even with that perception, and since you've
been doing so well with drunken science, that wave ain't straight. But that's
all you know. It's a gay wave. Oh my god, it's the
gay agenda. Oh Jesus, no, the gay agenda is brunched. That
is a different garden. We will go there later. Okay, Um,
I should say the wave is not traveling straight towards the garden. Oh,
which way is it going? Yeah, it's going the fancy Rippley way of
bouncy bounciness. The wave is bouncing like me from your amazing perception. Yes,
um, I'm from from I'm still bouncing but I but I'm yelling.
The wave is bouncing too. It's awesome, y'all, Look y'all. Look
okay, anything else now? I think I think that's plenty of damage for
me to get into. And the good news is our end of turn button
is working again. Yeah, okay, awesome, all right, we are
at oh ella, just remember health rose over. You notice something last week?
Do you want to see if you can notice something against see? I
notice some stuff, but I did not notice the wave. If I remember
correct, that is absolute correct. Now that Malibu has yelled about a wave,
you may make a new either perception or investigation if you choose to actively
follow up on her information. Okay, well, I know she's drunk as
fuck, so I probably will ignore her because, if I remember correctly,
I was aiming for the targets with some enchanted arrows, and I had got
one. Yes, But now since unfortunately the summoning where Badger has taken Holly,
all the bolts that were on her, some of a are gone.
However, the crossbow is still here. Luckily that was I will not be
that cruel. It did drop to the ground when she was summoned because she
was polite about that. There are still three more mugs full well shot glasses.
I'm sorry they were shot glasses on the table. Three have been emptied
of the six, okay, and I guess I probably I would don't know
if I would had seen her take a drink to get the arrows doing you
did? I believe you did. I will give you a simple, just
um simple intelligence check. You think so highly of me? Yeah? Only
five? Okay. It has registered that there was some cause and effect between
the three empty glasses and the bolts. All right, so I guess I'll
take one of those shots and see if I can summon up another bolt.
You know what that means, though, don't you can? I please have
a constitution save and a D one or the constitution save is a nine.
You are officially noble lady wasted. You're getting to your stacy on if you
know what I mean. Oh, thank god your brother isn't around here.
Remember how we said something was contagious. Your accent changes to French. If
already French Russian? No, no, no, don't knock him over like
a cat knox. Rest of him over. Terrible, terrible. This is
the worst and best thing. So yeah, where is my boat? Hey?
It does appear in your hand? Okay, um, I'm gonna come.
I don't want to shoot through the fire. Uh. I'm going to
aim at the middle target over there, and I have to be behind pink
shiny la yes we oh no, everyone is this is um and what do
I need to You need to attack the target. However, you will have
a slight penalty due to being shit faced? Right, So if I just
basically do the light crossbow, would that work? Yes? It is a
light crossbow attack. Please. However, it does not matter that you are
slightly as your faith you easily flunk. The arrow hits or the bolt hits
the target, and you hear another flunk as light streams from this lovely sent
her target to the door. Mone it worked, la la, there it
goes. I'm sorry. That was just really fun. That was perfect role.
There we go beautiful all right too, Ei. There have now been
two successful hits on I will, I'll do my little thing because everyone loves
when Ari Car draws. Right, Yes, are you drawing on the map,
because oh there, oh there they go, there they go. Never
mind, I got it. So those those two have been struck with my
amazing mouse drawings. Aren't you excited? I like Claudie's gonna look at them
exactly Blue. It is your turn. She's standing right next to him in
the bolts. Probably thunked right got the bult whizzed right past you, over
the uh slightly enhanced by Kegs statue of Sharona and into the hardest to hit
targets to be worried. Malabie saw it. She is screaming and clapping and
going, do it again, do it again, bangup reception roll drunk girl,
oh um, you will be a disadvantage because you was drunk. Okay
seven parkly your balanacy. She was next to you and you didn't notice.
Alrighty then, Claudia Baron leave power. You are approaching the stage to I
believe, give a symposium on layers. Layers and their use for vomit control
and prevention. Did I also mention that you have red panda ears and a
tail? Now? Who, this is my best day ever. There are
kegs with the same magical brew next to you, and anything's a cup if
you try hard enough, just saying, um, you know what. She's
super happy with the way things are at the moment. But I am wondering
does she know anything about the brew Haha coming? Yes, you did make
your perceptional. You know there is a giant wave of beer on the horizon
and the brew Haha is coming. So she wants to get up on the
stage and start her her her speech. I'd like to hear this dedication,
ladies and gentlemen of this esteemed where are we place beer garden? You may
or may not know that your lives are a danger. There's a huge deluge,
as the French say, coming our way, and if you do not
give me everyone every last coin in your pockets so that I may teach you
the way of the Layers, you will be inundated by this huge deluge and
punished by the wonderful goddess, which goddess is Sharon A Charon A Sharon Okay,
cool Goddess Sharon kicking back those words up with a persuasion performance. I'm
not entirely sure which one this is. I'll let you decide. They're probably
equally bad. So it's true. I believe in you. Yeah, Claudia
roll the sex. Everyone who is white girl wasted. You made some sense
unfortunately to no one else, just my friends, pretty much. You have
no points to give you before bros One one of the people this this guy
here, He throws a copper at your feet and says, play the bird
of free. Yeah, Claudia will will begin to hum very off tune,
off key. You can't even tell what it is. Yea, all right,
I love that one. We have returned to your action act. Okay,
so M two targets have been struck. There is a lovely set of
two shots left, two shots ha ha ha to produce boat bolts to take
a shot, and one target remains unstruck. M question, I have taken
a drink? Do I have a bolt already? No? You did not
take a drink from these shots? So no, am, And that didn't
sound very musical. That was not geis just thinking. Okay, you didn't
get the worst one. Let's put it that way. Oh, god.
Okay, well you know what I've mmmmmmmmmmm. She's walking. This walks a
little closer, and I am going to cast burning hands at this target,
at the remaining target. Oh, let's hear this in song. Oh no,
it's hold one. I have to move yeah, yeah, okay,
I move that okay, um yeah, and that's one do thank you Roy.
No, the thing he needs to make a deck savings throw. So
get dexterous inanimate object. A yeah, mobile object needs to make a deck
saved. Boy, that's gonna well that that's a thing I do not basically
enough, the inanimate yet magically imbued object. As you catch. As the
flames ripple across root, there is a massive explosion of all the alcohol in
the air. Yes, boom, take it time for Everyonee's favorite little token.
You knew it was coming back a little fire. Babies don't know.
Oh yes, I remember these guys from this ship. Oh yeah, did
you just say bread or cheese? I think I don't know. All right,
people sang bread or cheese. Very different. I'd like to hear.
Oh that's that's that's bad. Oh, oh, Claudia, can I have
a deck save? Did somebody have some marshmallows. I need a oh sh
what's your what's your spell? Fifteen? Fifteen? Huh? It is?
Oh boy? And how much damage? How much damage does in bending hands?
Do you all? We? And I'd like you to sing the amount
of damage you have just done? Eat does sweety six? Please roll that?
Oh? So you take twelve points of damage? Cloudia as your outermost
layers get singed by the exploding alcohol fire. Oh see is it just a
layer or the ears? Okay, the ears are singed as well. Your
make a save please for your bare hat hat. It is okay, she
has the bar hat is singed but survived, thank goodness. But yes,
I don't forget to take twelve hip points off. Okay, all right,
I can do it. Also, you have killed one of the people in
the brew garden. That's not my problem. You just you just you just
killed. And it is a downs person who was trying to give Cloudia money.
To pay the money. The money will survive the fire unless it was
paper bills. No, he said copper. Oh he did throw it.
He did throw a copper, but who knows what else he had on him?
Alrighty, then there may be some movement from some of the other people.
But there's basically a lot of people now who were just drunk and having
a good time trying to figure out if this was a pyrotechnic show or someone
is trying to kill them. Yes, it is both. Alrighty, then
anything else. Now that you have killed an innocent man, he should have
been wearing layers would He would have been fine if he would listen to the
lecture happening in front of him. This is why learning is important. Now
I'm good, I've I've done my job. Oh okay, my work here
is done. Oh Malibu, there's now been an explosion of fire. We
well, I was, you know, I was sitting here in my bouncy
ball thinking that if Gigi wanted to burn up the little target, that she
could pour alcohol all over my bouncy ball and then throw me at it.
But it looks like the fire didn't catch, so we're not gonna do that
science anymore. So pretty much everything around the target is burning. The target
itself is undamaged. Okay, um huh, I honestly don't have something specific
to do, so of well, actually, you know what, I Am
going to bounce high again and see what the wave is doing now, Okay,
perception please, Oh you see, I'm getting used to it. It
looks like it's crashing into another building on an island, Like this island's kind
of shaped like a kidney bean, and you're on the bottom part of the
bean. Oh, and it's aiming towards the top of the bean. What's
that? I mean, what's at the top of the bean? Well,
it's kind of a beautiful building that looks suspiciously like a temple of Charonae?
Can I can I process that this is not something I would really want to
happen? Or am I still? I mean, you're drunk. I would
assume that nothing sobers you quite up as much as seeing your beloved temple about
to get destroyed by a wall of cheap beer. That was that was my
question. Um, yeah, I will give you a one time I'm constitution
saved to see if you sober up fast. Okay, No, I mean
it is magical beer. You are stone cold, like it's your twenty first
birthday and your friends took you to see saving Private Ryan's sober Oh sh shoot,
um, but I'm still in the bubble right Oh yeah, the bubble's
not going away. Um, how far away is the building problem it's at
it. Think about it like if you were in a sit a modern city.
It's it's several blocks away. This is like the other end of a
little island. You It's like the temple was built on the highest, most
beautiful peak, so it could take in the vistas of the gorgeous water.
Okay. It's also right on the edge of the ocean, which is not
a good place to be when faced with a brunami. It's a great place
to be when it's like a bright morning and you just want to go lay
out in the submit. But you know that's not important right now. Okay,
Well, then I yell, yeah, the wave seems to be targeted
not to hit the garden, but the Temple of Charnay, at least for
its initial impact. All right, I scream, not the temple, and
I start bouncing as hard as I can. How far can I move?
By bouncing? You can effectively dash while in the bubble? Okay, So
that's how many little blockies and twelve squares? Okay, one, and you
can ignore low of six. I'm just bouncing over the table. Seven.
You're heading towards the area that was marked as the ancillary building taken over by
the temple of the brunami. Unfortunately, the door there that you're at is
locked. Oh wait, I can't do that because I'm still inside the bubble.
Yeah you have that that slight problem of the bubble is wider than your
hands. Then I'm throwing myself at the door over and over, trying to
to break it open, even though I make another perception. Okay, since
you're upsually up close the door, even with that, even with an eight
at this distance, you can see that the door has a triangle of three
dots. Two of the dots are lit up that correspond to the top of
the door and the right hand side of the door. The left hand dot
of this triangle is still not lit um. I turn around in my bubble
and yell should the other target. And then, however, this has actually
caught the attention of what ho? What are you doing? Why is the
jardan on fire? He just call her a hoe? Excuse you? Dare
you speak to my bubbly friend that would not in French, by the wayentries,
I mean kind? Excuse me? Did you just call her ho?
She was? She admired your buns and this is how you would pay her
right? Are you to disturb the sacred right of the brunami? Know that
no one has ever figured out how to enter our sanctum, and no one
sober may ever cross its threshold. Come at me, bro first, I
must relieve myself, of course, because the corner, all right, is
that your end of your turn? Yes, oh, ella, I suppose
I will come over here take another shot to try to get yet, would
you please constitution save and a D one hundred? That's Italian? Okay,
you are getting really drunk. You are now at disadvantage for anything requiring focus
or coordination or good judgment. You've already been. It's your second dose.
Can I please have that D one hundred? Fool roll a D four please
class fool a. You know, in like all those animated movies where they're
sparkling like lights that surround a person, they lift off the ground and orchestral
music swells like a selemn plantsformission Oh yes, oh yeah, oh. Light
erupts around Elatas sparkling around as her clothed kind of an armor fall to the
ground, and what appears to be an eight year old girl stands in loosely
fitting clothes and armor, holding the crossbow still sheet. We got a keyd
dronge. Oh and by the way, the French does not leave. Just
so you know, those French people sure drink wine, right us, So
now you are we do not have we have wine. And just so you
know, Ella, for the next four weeks, you appear to will be
eight years old. You have all your same stats, but you are small
in size, and for all intents and purposes, appear to be eight literin
though she's just glowing. But yeah, everything's really baggy and you will have
to get new armor. Mail. I still want to try to shoot the
other pocket because you are at a disadvantage, but you can. I'm going
to do it. Yes, No, by the way, the shots are
empty on the table, just so you know. Fuck that, so French
you did just s you know. The boat the boat goes Claudia, please
make a deck safe boat. But that wasn't evenimming at her right past you
and hits the barrel, causing more of that lovely alcohol to start spilling into
the beer garden. Jimminey peaked rapidly rolling towards your feet. Alrighty, then
there's anything else, baby Ella, no, I will stop defeat. Yes
you do. Anyone with a French accent gets a bonus action of stomping,
pouting, or throwing a dizzy fit y not French tantrum. Yes, you
get a French tantrum. Claudia, Hello, it's set on fire, shot
at and you didn't even deserve it. You do have a lot of that
sacred liquid pouring out of the keg next to you, and Malibu has shouted
shoot the target, m m um. Okay. By the way, the
bolt that landed in the barrel disappears a striking something. Claudia has a lot
of her own arrows, unfortunately for some people or or fortunately for us.
But since she's she's so she's still singed. Um, she'd like to do
some ninja rolls the hell out of this little area. Are you going to
roll through the nearest liquid? Um? Yes, she realized that is the
magical booze. Yes, well she doesn't realize it, but okay, um,
just make a deck save Okay. She rolled through without getting like it
all lands on the outermost singed layer, and it just sort of you roll
in such a way that the outmost layer, which I think was your mad
cafe made outfit falls away and you are now back in pirate outfit. Okay,
so she was. She kind of looks like she's insert. She's rolling
in fewing fire as she goes. I like it. She wants to roll
this way there's fire. Yeah, around the flames okay, and closer to
the target. Okay. Um, if she's allowed, she'd like to pull
out one of her own arrows and jam it into the target. You are
allowed, you have them eat, That is what she will do. Yeah,
just make a dex check, not say of check. Come on,
ninety you put it right in the center of the bull's eye. Take that
thing. Nothing happens, son of them? Okay. But well, you
stuck an arrow in a target and it looks really pretty like it's more ambient.
You may want to ask and me away from the targets so I do
not accidentally ham you with a spell of some sort by mistake again like I
did not, totally did not. I thought it was only two more turns.
You haven't had your turn yet? Yeah, me better that way?
Yeah, yeah that way? Day yea like the song, Now it is
your turn, and strangely, the smell of beer no longer inspires you to
song. Get okay um um, So those who I like, am I
am taking a quick poll? Um? Do I put out the fire?
Or do I try to get the target? Target? Target? The target?
For sure? I will deity myself with the swamp water, I suppose.
Okay, where is the closest magical brew to me? The big pouring
font right here right. I will go over to eat m and I will
try and scoop some in my hands and drink. Make a constitution, save
and then roll a D one. Please. Okay, you're you're just modestly
tipsy ninety two. You now believe you can speak to animals even if you
cannot. Well I can't, so zi okay and and zin. I am
going to cast midge hand and give my boat to the magical medge. And
no bolt appeared. No bolt appeared. Well fuck you bends this beach to
the ground. I had it on. You don't ask me if a bolt
of beard to brew us? Are there any they're bolts on the thingy right
the stage. When it hit a target, it vanished. Oh, I
thought there were some like decorating the bottom of the stage where Claudia was giving
her beautiful speech. No, those are beer kegs that are and now there's
brew on fire, so there's some pretty fire all around you. Which are
there any bolts anywhere? Yeah? Not currently not. I mean there's bolts
in people's crossbows. Okay, we all know how this goes every round,
don't weave evil? Wait? Am I done? Can I cast a spin?
Just one thing? Naked intelligent or arcana? I'll give you arcana.
There are some spells that are compound, that require an interaction between magical objects.
Okay, so the brew is magical, but that doesn't necessarily mean that
other things are, like maybe cups or shot glasses. Kay m there's only
six shot glasses. But there's lots of mugs and tankards and bowls and kegs,
but there's only six shot glasses. Kay uh Yeah, I guess.
Am I done? Or do I still have a spell or a thing?
I can? You can? You can say something or use anything that's a
bonus action. I don't think I have there any of them. But you
can totally talk to animals. You are absolutely Okay. I think that's all
I got. I will use my free action to French tantrum and decide that
this place can bend to the ground and I do not care anymore. That
is an excellent use of your bonus French action, Malibu. They have not
successfully hit the dark am am am I within one hundred and twenty feet of
that nasty little target. Uh use your little measure, I am okay,
awesome, I am going to I'm going to cast a spell. I am
going to cast guiding Bolt. Okay, it's I. It will hit a
creature of my choice within range, and I'm gonna pretend that that target is
a creature. So what are you what are you specifically visualizing on the target's
face? Do I ask? Um? Do I dare? Are you kidding?
Silas Kane? Who am I ever? Okay, yes, I'll give
you advantage for that. Okay, Oh shoot, I have to cast at
what level? Can I? Can? I choose my level that I'm at,
or whatever level whatever level the spell is, you can the spell or
above? Okay, yeah, so the spell is it's a first level spell,
so ah, spell safe. So I need to make a spell save.
You have successfully blown the ship target. In fact, the whole thing
shatters into a bunch of splinters. Who and and and does the night go
out on the door. No shit, but you have successfully blown up the
target. I messed it up, didn't I uh, I'm sorry. You've
done something I know, but not what I should have done. Yeasa.
Now I'm in the bubble and I'm I'm crying to Sarah, to Sharon A
that I'm so sorry, goddess. I tried to help. I mean,
it's only in about four or five pieces? Is the is the center still
in one piece? No? You you actually hit that really well and hit
it dead something kind of split it. You split it into one, two,
three, four five pieces? So oh lord? Now what? Oh
well? Now yeah, I'm now I'm I'm completely freaked out because that light
is still not out and I can't get through the store and it hasn't lit
up. Just to clare lights up, Okay, all right, So the
light is not lit up and I can't get through the store, and now
I appear to have ruined my only chance of getting through the store. And
I'm going I'm going to have my own post drunk white girl hissy fit over
here in the bubble. And would you like to use your bonus action for
weeping and pity party weeping and gnashing of teeth and rending of hair and all
that stuff. So I mean you got a beautiful hit. I mean you
really blew the shit out of it. Since it was magic, it actually
affected the magic item. Yep, yep, and it was It was wrong.
It was wrong, and I suck and I hate my myself and I'm
not a good friend. And look at what I've done. I'm sorry.
And that's I'm just in the bubble screaming and crying. And are you like
truly like beating your chest? Yeah? Or well no, I'm not beating
my chest. I'm flinging myself around the bubble. Well, I think this
is the perfect time for you to make a perception chest okay, sure,
oh oh, with perfect detail. It's almost like you know those moments where
time stands still and you zero in on the moment, that exact moment that
is burnt into your brain because you can't think of anything possibly worse. Yes,
you watch when perfect clarity, as the brunami wave crashes through the Temple
of Charonay, leveling it to the ground. As the statue of the Glowing
dawn Bringer totters and teeters, you watch her look at you, your own
goddess stare at you before she falls into the sea, and with that perception,
you notice that there were priests chained to the statue, and you're pretty
sure you can hear their screams. I'm either going to pass out or vomit
next. You can choose. I don't care, don't don't I really don't
think we can talk this moment. So will Malibu have a complete and total
nervous breakdown, turn to the dark side, or just drink her sorrows away?
I think you might need to tune in to the next episode of The
Calamity Janes to find out I hate myself. We take up pause to uh
engage in commercialism. We'll come back for more questions and answers and pain.
Alrighty, then, so we've left with a slightly darker than average cliffhanger for
the Calamity Janes. But that does not mean that our high jinks are over,
does it? You're feeling okay over there? Misty? No? No,
have you not read my books? I can turn on a dime.
Okay, I'm fine, I'm fine. You know what would make everyone feel
better? What I think? What if we take some questions from our wonderful
and devoted audience. All right, fine, no, no, no,
I'm I'm sure that. Questions from our friends on the discord, who are
who get to go first in the line, because what do they give us?
They give us money so they get to cut the line. And I
have some good questions that are that are cheerful and nice, and maybe we'll
take my mind off the horrible, horrible thing that I have allowed to happen
just now. So from it's almost like you're living up to Silas. That's
good. I'm rude. Fine, I'm not giving you any questions. That's
how I get out of it. I'm going to give this though. Sorry,
she didn't get the French accent. She doesn't get the bonus accent of
a hit, but she can do one she wants to. Yeah, I
went to college so I could do a French accent. One more person rolls
a French accent. I'm just giving up. If I had stayed drunk,
I was gonna start singing, Oh pray to my blonde. But fortunately I'm
sober. Okay, But anyway, Questions Questions from the discord, heinous lizard
whose name I just love, that wants to know if you could keep any
animal as a pet and have it behave like one, be loyal, affectionate,
safe to have in the house, what would it be? Fox?
I have thought about this extensively. A fox, clearly I love or an
arctic all of them, all of them, including the weird long legged one.
Oh my, it's so weird googling. Yeah, oh no, looking
for a new pet. It looks like a fake creature. It's so good
legged fox. That's that's the one that's in the in the desert in Middle
East, right, Yeah, the main wolf. Yeah, yeah, it
looks like a hyena almost. Yeah, they're a while but yes, a
fox. That's easy, easy question. Any any particular reason why I love
them. They scream like banshees and bouncing death is coming for us. But
they're super fluffy and cute, so they're like my perfect esthetic in creature form
whales of the damned plus fluffy. I mean, that works my brain.
I want I want a baby bat. I want a baby bat that I
can feed little grapes too, and feed it with the little dolly bottle and
it was and put it in the little the little swaddling cloth. And they're
so cute. I want baby bats, and I'm cool with them when they
grow up too, because then they're still awesome and they're they flap around and
they sit on my shoulder. I would need I would need a panda bear
because they're adorable and dirty and they would just make me laugh. What about
the peeing for dominance thing where they try to go do headstands and pee higher
on trees. How do you handle that? I feel like that's covered.
That's so yeah, have in the house, or you could have a female
panda. Yeah whatever. There. I'm I just think there's nothing cooler than
when I'm in a bad mood than watching panda videos. So I'm very I
mean like they're snugly and dirty and they like to sit around and eat and
chill, and you know that's just kind of my vibe. Yeah, exactly,
They're beautiful and Emily, I'm gonna go with a baby elephant. I
don't honestly care if if it grows up, because you know, having a
rampaging elephant on your side would be pretty awesome. But if you've ever seen
a baby elephant swimming in like a tub of water or plank, yeah,
that's my aesthetic or it's hilarious the videos where they do the little helicopter thing
with yeah, yes, hic. They're so cute. Let me see.
Well, I'm I feel really bad answer this question because Griffin Tsunami are literally
staring at me. So I'm first required to say that I already have the
perfect pets. They are wonderful and I don't want them to attack my feet
when I'm asleep, so I will say Griffin Tsunami, the greatest cats ever
who always help, are the perfect pet for me. I can't top them.
Please don't hurt. But but if I couldn't have them, it would
have to be a red panda because I love the way they attack but the
bashing of the pause, and they really like are adorable and ineffectual and slightly
redheaded, just like me. They're cute, they are, They're sweet,
and I love how they throw their arms up when they're getting scary. Is
that is literally me? That's all I do. But but honestly, no,
I have perfect cats. I will never replace them ever, because I
love them more than anything. And seriously, like, if you could see
the death stare, I'm kidding, they're my Ah Okay, he's now bumping
his head against my hands. So I've been forgiven. Well then it well,
in the spirit of forgiveness, then we will move on to the next
question. Um, Zach of all trades would like to know. And and
this was probably a question that was posed before the con. And I know
we're after the con now, but y'all might see us out in the world
or this you might save this information for next con. But he wants to
know. If we means discord friends are buying you, that means the cast
of the show drinks at a bar. What would you like us to buy
you. I like all the tropical fruity drinks, to be honest, you
know, pina coladas, margarita's, whatever. But yeah, I like hurricanes,
but if that's because it's very normal. Yeah, all that black rum.
I love that black rum. But if if we're in a place that
doesn't do hurricanes, you know, smaller bar, I'll take cider. Cider
is always an option. I think cider is always Yeah. Yeah, I
was gonna say cider is probably the best choice. But margaritas are good.
Um, how about you, Judy? Um. I don't drink a lot
actually, but I love Bailey's so like a flat white martini um or like
a Bailey's White rush. Those are super good. The Bailey's mud Slide,
Oh, Bailey's mud Slide is probably my favorite. Um oh, it's so
good. Have you no, it's um They were real big in the eighties
when in the late eighties when I was going out to barsmore. But there
it's usually four shots and it's a layer of kahlua and a layer of Grand
Marnier and a layer of Bailey's and shoot the whole thing and it tastes like
a milkshake and it's it will mesh you up real fast. But yeah,
that's the that's like a mud slide too, as it is like an alcoholic
um milkshake essentially. But they're super good. But I don't drink a whole
lot, so yeah, yeah, I don't anything that tastes like desserts,
right, yes, exactly. Yeah, I'm the weirdo here because, as
as ah Rick discovered, I'm the one who likes like the whiskey sours and
yeah, are very one can find them. The drink of all drinks.
The universal will make our ecar melt. It's a Peasco sour, which is
almost the same drink as a whiskey sour, only instead of lemon juice an
orange, it's lime juice. And it made with the Peruvian brandy peasco instead
of whiskey. And because my dad did his dissertation work in Peru, that
was his like first drink, and when I was first learning to drink,
he taught me those And thus it's just it's like a family connection, and
it's I had one at the Waldorf Astoria and yes, I know, it's
exactly as bougie as you think, and it was like single handedly one of
the best drinks I'd ever had in my life, and I'll never forget it.
So yeah, that is definitely the way, the way to my heart,
and I even feature it in my books. So you just said something.
Just now, you said learning to drink, and I think I missed
that whole thing in my education. Yeah, the same. I grew up
in the South, Many My my the men in my family ensured that I
knew. I one knew what alcohol is, what it did, what a
good drink was, how never to start a fight, but certainly how to
finish it. So my grandfather taught me how to throw a punch, play
cards, dance, and drink a beer because I thought those were the skills
that would actually help me as a young nerd. And he thought you were
going to open a saloon in the wild West pretty much, I think he
did. That's like family tradition at this point. So actually we were probably
the people robbing the saloon, depending on which part of the family we go
to. But yes, he taught a pacifist how to throw a punch just
in case. So I didn't learn that until I was much older. But
I learned to drink in college. Any of us do. I never learned
how to drink. But I am Asian. So I've been in a karate
class. I want to know is it required? I mean we lived and
also we lived in a small town in Illinois for a long time. It
took my son to karate class and I met all the other Asian kids in
the area. I do not know, it just happened. Oh my,
I think you do wonder. Okay, I'm sorry. I thought vampires new
kung fu, but apparently they teach it to the Asian kid. Please,
I'm only saying it because Emily did. Do not cut that line out of
out of context. You know that's that's hilarious that you mentioned the vampires knowing
kung Fu, because if you go back about twenty years and watch TV shows
that are like what we see now, where everybody knows how to how to
fight different styles, you go back about twenty twenty five years or so,
and they're all just flinging fists with with gross abandon nobody. They were vampires.
It's the vampires new kung Fu. It was hilarious. Yeah, it's
hilarious. I love it. But okay, well, so there you go,
discord. Now you know the drinks we want and be ready the next
time we're all in one place together to set the jains up. Even the
ones that don't drink much, they'll have one. So the toastery had a
lovely coffee drink. Oh really, it was like it was called the Cold
War, I think, and it was basically a white rushiman with coffee that
was super good. And I had that and ended up at the one shot
completely tipsy and giggly, so that was super great. They have mimosas too
at the toaster. I if my doctor is listening, I only had one
drink the entire weekend, I swear. At a time. There you go.
But you know those were questions from the Discord and we do love you
pare friends, but we also love our friends on Facebook, and so we're
going to have some questions from the Facebook too, And the first one is
from our dear beloved fuck you Mark, who wants to know is there a
voice actor that you would love to have do your story your books? Oh?
I get to cheat. I get to cheat. I still get to
cheat because I have a famous voice actor and she narrates my books. I
have Alejandra Rainoso of Castlevania and Final Fantasy, Stranger in Paradise Fame. She
narrates the Rules and Dike series. So yes, Sipha from Castlevania is in
a book about Vampire Wow. And I had no idea when I asked her
because I just saw her ACX audition and she was like perfect and I said,
oh, oh, she did something on Netflix. I didn't know.
Oh God, and this was before it was all big and then I saw
it. I'm like, she said, yes, that's very cool. So
yeah, I have to name her because she's an amazing voice actress. I
love her on Links Club. I occasionally hear her when people are playing Doda
like she's in I think she's in everything butt Genshen impact. She's in the
near game, so I'm sure that'll change at some point. But it's really
awesome and also kind of strange when I hear her voice because funny fact,
I was watching Castlevania while or British accent was watching Castlevania in the background while
I was proofing my book, and I got very confused and had to leave
the room because I could hear her outside of my headphones and in so wow,
it was pretty cool. And do you know how many months I had
to not talk that there was going to be a season for Castlevania and that's
why my audiobook was delayed. I mean, it's a pretty cool reason that
is, but I couldn't say anything. Hey it was worth it though,
Hey what Yeah, Well, I've got two that um I doubt I could
ever get because they would have to be so incredibly expensive that okay, all
right, no, no, I will I will believe. I will believe,
John, are you listening. I will believe that somehow Falstaff could have
could afford to get me either. I would love to have Idris Elba do
my orchestral books okay, maybe that believing really really high. Yeah, I
live on a champagne. I have champagne taste on a on a kool aid
budget and even Ford Beer. But um if I'd love adri Selba to do
orchestral books. But then I would also love to have for the dead Man
series that I'm doing, for False Staff that's not out yet, I would
love to have, um shore Agdashlu from Expanse. She has the most amazing
voice. Yes I know, right in like arcade. Oh okay, yeah,
yeah, I hope you dream big. We should make this happen.
If shot or idriss, if you're listening to this, please narrate miss these
books because they're amazing and she loves you and we just like to get a
win. Yes, yes, yes, thank you, yes yes, yes
So those are mine. But who's up next, Judy or Emily or I
don't really have one because like I don't put names and voices together very well,
so I couldn't actually say, oh, this person. Um yeah,
so that's my lay mass answer. Well, choose any actor because most actors
are also willing to do voice work, so yeah, and I know,
but also like I don't know who I would pick. That's the thing.
I've never really given it that much thought. Gotcha, Okay, sorry,
that's okay. I'd always go for somebody who has a lot of sarcasm dripping
in their voice. But I also have this thing for Aquafina. She.
I know, she has a really scratchy voice and probably annoy the hell out
of a lot of people, but I love it. She's so scrappy cool.
So she would be awesome for my Josie Tucker books. But I for
um the new series mystery series. I'm ready for false staff. I would
go for someone like Kat Dennings. Okay, she's young. She's a young
actor who has been in like the Thorn movies. She's like the sidekick scientist.
Oh yeah, I know exactly. Yeah yeah, she's just freaking awesome.
Yeah, she would be very far. You could also do Aubrey Plaza.
I think she would also be very very vibe. Yeah. Um,
I don't know. I'm kind of like I'm similar in that I don't really
connect voice with actors very well, and I'm terrible at actually remembering actors names.
Um. So I have no idea. I have absolutely no idea who
who I would um and I have all the same Matt Mercer like every other
nerve. Nah. Now, I would want to give it to some like
I don't know. I would want to give it to some up and coming
person like, assuming that I had the clout to pull like a big voice
actor. I don't know. I kind of want to give it to some
new person to maybe give them a chance to find a bigger audience or something.
Because we all start somewhere. I can do a vaguely of Eastern European
accents, so I'll get Yeah. Everyone knows that that no good comes when
ari e Car does accents, because it always ends up turning into drunk Scottish,
which is basically just Shrek. Anyone that has heard me read shreksy porn
for charity knows that the only accent I can really do it's this Shrek.
And I'm never gonna say the words that'll do Donkey ever again without cringing.
I've had the experience of listening to both of those and also whole a whole
like couple of years of the Scottish dwarf accent. What are you talking about?
I love the soul. Yeah, I can hear you saying applying the
acts directly to the problem, not even thinking about it. People who don't
actually play with me don't realize I always play like melee fighters. That's just
what I do because for years I always had to play the healer. Yeah,
I had to play either the healer or the utility person. So I
was determined that I was going to play the incredibly incendiary melee for the rest
of my D and D life, which you gotta taste of if you were
an Authors and Dragons con because there was a certain person named Hannah Barbarian,
which hopefully will be a soon and can be enjoyed. Yeah, because I
didn't get to see it, and I want to know what the fun was
all about though. Yeah, and we had we had Judy there as well,
so it was it was definitely something. Okay, And we have one
last question from the Facebook and it's an easy one, very quick. Nelson.
Oh, I hope it's food. Now it is food. How did
you know? Because I love the food questions that I always hope one shows
up well Nelson, coreboy ass, how do you like your eggs cooked?
And for me that's easy. I like them poached. And it's nice that
my son's gonna make sex shuka tomorrow because that's you've poached the eggs in the
tomato sauce and stuff. So yum yum yum. My favorite way to have
eggs is either in a cake or in cookies. Ballad m how about you,
am? I am a big fan of eggs. Actually, um,
I'm you know. There's not a lot of ways that I don't like them,
except for I am supposed to be eating mostly egg whites these days.
I actually yeah, but like breakfast burrito um, in a sandwich with sausage,
scramble poached. Yeah, and just I like them judy um ah God,
I love eggs like it's It's one of the things I eat a lot.
Um. So probably scrambled um with cheese, but preferably. There's a
wonderful place in Atlanta that does um, creamy, dreamy white cheddar grits and
those with eggs amazing, magical, the most bestest experience that that is quite
jewelworthy. I am you know, Okay, I'm gonna be down in Atlanta
in October for Multiverse con Oh my gosh, maybe I will steal you and
we can go over to that restaurant. Yes, yes, you heard it
first eggs and thievery Yeah, yeah, I am okay, So I'm gonna
lose so much of my foodie cread. I love eggs, but I like
them cooked hard. So I like hard scrambled eggs, and I do what's
called the animal, which is where you take bacon fat and you fry your
eggs in it really hard, so it's crispy on the bottom, flip it
over and smash it so it's pretty much flat and crispy, and then preferably
you can have it on a hamburger or on toast or something. But as
the rest of my family watches in horror, as I dreadfully overcook eggs because
I can't take runny, yoke like as a texture. It is definitely a
thing. But if you can try it, lots of pepper, lots of
like corbin arrow or habanero chili on your egg fried crispy, it's just like
a flavor bomb. And it's almost more like like a a crispy, crunchy
pancake than an egg in and of itself. And also, pancakes are a
great way to eat eggs because it's just you know, eggs for flour and
sugar. Oh, we don't talk about waffle I don't know. We could
totally a waffle maker that looks like the skull and cross buns. It's just
breakfast foods. In my writing. There's just a long history of Shenanigans.
Of course, we could all sing songs about toast too. We could,
but that would probably make the show a lot longer if we do that.
So it might, it might. It's that the subtle clue of it's time
to say goodbye and to hopefully recover our beaten, battered souls as we prepare
to torture Misty. I mean to continue the saga of the Calamity Janes,
where somehow Misty are brilliant. Malibu has slowly turned in to silas game Don't
Don't Do. Also, some dragons brought to under Creative Commons license, meaning
you were free to share this material so long as credit is given to those
who created, which is us. People. You just heard to play the
game opening and closing themes performed by the Gore core form Do Do, Do
Do, Thank you,