Yeah. So Melissa Pie is a fucking wood blanket, all right. She
is subject objectifying the men. I mean, we we these wokesters. That's
what's wrong with the country right now, these people like Melissa Pee. No,
she's one hundred percent right. This was way on a lot. What
are you doing? What? I like? What's going on? Daddy water?
Do you want some of mine? Okay? I like your shirt?
Me too? No? Thank you? Interesting, she said, no,
thank you? No, no, no. She did not express gratitude for
the compliment. Oh well, we teach her better than that. Welcome aboard
another brand spanking new episode of another Below Deck podcast. I'm Dylan, suddled
up next to one Pat. I'd asked for permission to come aboard, but
I've already been a board. Yeah, stuck here for a while. Sorry
for the delay on the show. We usually get it out Tuesday nights,
but this one was a little bit different. Our producer, oh can we
blame him, came in all hopped up on firehouse subs and I don't know,
fucked everything up somehow he deleted two shows, or if they didn't record
or whatever it was. Whatever happened, whether it was a Poulter Poultergeist or
Kalin being what was the sandwich? The club? Yeah, the Turkey Club.
It was some kind of fancy firehouse bastardization of a club sandwich. Anyways,
he was hopped up on all sorts of stuff. Don't forget. He
was also hot. He was too hot, and he said he got bitten
by mosquito bites. And he fucking deleted all of the recordings. I think
in protest because you wouldn't turn the air conditioning. That's true, So who
pays the bills here? Kay? We have got to get into episodes one
ish and two. To be quite honest, we're fatigued with episode one.
We've already done an entire recap of it. That is. I gotta say
it's the best podcast we've I think it was, too. It's really a
shame that it was lost. Yeah, well, so it's hard to recap
an episode twice. We're not going to do the thing where we go through
and we say the same jokes and we laugh the way that we laughed.
But I guess we can kind of just go through some of the big heavy
moments of the first episode, of which there were a couple. I'm gonna
crack open a couple of face melters real quick. You want one? Uh
no, thank you? Okay, So while I'm lighting up a face melter,
will you go ahead and hit them with some public service announcements? Sure?
Okay, So season one of Below Deck we were having such a great
time with that. You're really missing out if you're not on Patreon for five
bucks. In another week, you're gonna get three shows a week for five
bucks. You get season one of Below Deck. You get another podcast show
in which Dylan and I just you know, we just shoot the ship.
And then we have Love is Blind, which will be uh you all ownership?
That's right. You don't like a cat that your neighbor has or something.
No, no dog, I don't like a Yorkie named verrno. And
then I talk off a little. I talked about something personal that a lot
of people had thoughts on. If you're having a wedding and parents dies,
do you still put the wedding on? Yeah? So we really probe kind
of the upper and lower layers of the crust of life on another podcast show.
Yeah. Yeah, it's not us just scaping goofing about like Reality Recap.
You get to know us too on a personal level. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, the same way Rockefeller drilled for oil, we drill for truth
on another podcast show. That's right. Well, anyway you want to get
into the show, we should give our do we give our thoughts and not
or anything like that. Yeah, I said Love is Blind? Yeah yeah,
and that starts next week. But if you should just jump in there
right now, because we've just dropped the episode of recapping. I think my
roommate is the Devil episode seven. I think of season one to blowdeck with
Adrian the person that was actually the devil in that scenario, and it was
a wonderful recap. She gives us a lot of behind the scenes on how
the show was created, what everybody really thinks about Lee if they had to,
you know, if they took some truth, Seramon could tell him what
they really think about him. It's some interesting stuff that I think she called
him a drunk. She did. She also said, no one really likes
him because he's a dick. Listen, plenty of people do like him.
You're sure you don't want any face melter? Oh, thank you. You're
going to the Hollywood Bowl, man, I know, but I'm a parent.
I got two kids. Now, I can't get that fucked up.
Are you going to take the kids? No, no, no, no,
they're gonna hang out with a little pit to nanny. But we're gonna
go to the show. But you can't be h you can't be that messed
up when you have children. You can have a couple of cocktails, but
they'll they'll be judgment. There are some some cannabis mother and father's out there.
Who are you thinking? You're kind of a bitch right now? Oh
okay, Well, I'm just saying what you smoke? I can't smoke.
That's my point. Maybe I could have like a gummy or eat like a
little piece of it. Get out smoke that crazy shit. Let's get into
the episode. We thought the first one was good, Yes, yeah,
I also thought the second one was good because I was confounded and confused by
what the hell was happening at that dinner date. Oh yeah, yeah,
yeah yeah. Quite a couple of love scruise lose from both of them.
Yeah, it's almost like they edited out an important scene that would have helped
put a shet a little bit more light on what was taking place at that
time table. Well, anyway, what are you talking about nothing. You
know, you and the sea rat. I don't communicate with the sea rats
as much as you do. You and your little thumbs. You love the
DA You feel a lot of famous person talking to all the fucking sea rats.
They reach out to me. Okay, okay, so anyway, don't
let it color your job. Okay, what never. I'm a professional,
Dylan. I have integrity. We're essentially journalists exactly. Okay. Let's say
you're working for the Boston Globe and some cardinal takes you out to a fat
steak dinner. Are you gonna report on the atrocities or not? Is it
Ruth's crisp? Ruth's Crisp? Isn't that what it's called? No, that's
not what it's called. What's called Ruth's chris And they took a lot of
PPP loans unnecessarily. Also, iPhone twelves have too much radiation. I hear.
If the whole world is going to ship it really is. But you
know what, thankfully they have us. Let's get into it. Okay,
do you want to do what do you want to do it? I'm gonna
keep nursing this face melter from OKEEP just to get primed and ready. Also,
I having the faintest fucking idea what happened? Okay, I'll break it
down, all right. So the episode picks up with a live performance from
Thunder down Under, where we're your nipples licked and your balls tucked out by
a complete strangers. It's just another Thursday night, but it's actually a yacht,
so they're having a lot of fun there. Oh yeah. On the
first episode we did that, Klin lost, we talked about how Zoro was
kind of like, you know, the Egyptians have all those funny characters on
the wall, so that like one of their nefertids or whatever. It kind
of looks like Lady Justice, you with hands instead of scales, and the
balls are on the hands. Yeah, it was better when we did it
the first time. That's okay, you know, but we did say something
like that last night and then we got our chiefs too. She begins throwing
a little shade at I forget what charter guess it is. But she also
has a funny voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Asia. Asia makes
mention that she's got an odd voice, and she apologizes in the most Asia
way that she possibly could. So there is a primary named Zara, I
think, and there is a primary who is named Melissa pe Now Zara is
she's a party girl, she's a party animal. And she what was that
she came at some point, Yeah, she came. That's why she went
and took a nap. She's like all of us. You come, you
want to sleep? Yeah? Yeah, yeah. And we talked about on
PMZ that it's an evolutionary failure that you can't come and run for both for
both generalties and and you know, even the pans and you know all all
everybody. When you come, you have a refractory period. Where were there
to be sabertooth tiger home invader. You're gonna be slow to the draw two
thousand years ago. Yeah, you just bang one out. Of course,
you know they don't have condominiums back then, they do not have condom Next
thing, you got a fucking grizzly bear hand and they're way and they're even
bigger and meaner. And you're like, do I want to run away?
What are you talking about? Of course you want to run away. You're
gonna die. All that's snapping off? Will it be for not if you
do not get away? But you can't come and run. Yeah. So
Milissippi is a fucking wit blanket, all right, she is subject objectifying the
men. I mean we we these wokesters. That's what's wrong with the country
right now, these people like Melissa pe No, she's one hundred percent right.
This was way out of line. But she is a fucking buzz kill.
So the the drunk one, the drunks are, goes upstairs to the
captain's quarters, begins mocking the wheel sides. And this is where treacherous and
deceitful behavior is on display from when Juao yes, yeah, he I believe
he called Captain hot Pants up to the bridge with uh, you know,
Zara in there smoking a cigarette. She and she sticks him with Captain hot
pants. He says, well, I'll see you later, buddy, I
think you got this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, treachery bad form.
Thankfully Jamayson there to save the day and pull on a full on a beaver
blocker. Get the fuck out of here and get sit down at your table,
please, m beaver blocker. A beaver blocker, Uh huh grosses me
out. Really, yeah, I'm sorry. You don't seem to be offended
by a grown woman feeling the nutsacks of a number of twenty year olds.
No, you know, that's that's common law. That's just gonna happen,
you know what I mean, you know, and it's not just all right.
You know, the wealthy really do feel as though they have dominion over
us. Oh yes, it all started in Roman times, and some would
argue before then maybe yeah, so you too fuck each other? You too?
Oh you want us to fuck? No, I want you guys to
pick up a sword and kill each other. Yeah yeah, and then why
for fun? Yeah, I kill yourselves and then kill them, you know,
And you're like, I listen, listen, emperor. I get that.
You're all about how how am I going to do that? And then
it's like off with his head for the for the talk back. All right,
let me just say this though, okay, lot before I have to
kill something. Yeah, what's with the alligator in the corner? Kay?
What's he doing here? All right? Crazy times? Crazy times? I
would have been I always say, what would I have been in the past?
Well, I would have been a money changer. Oh right, right,
Well I'm a drunk, so I would have been a bartender. Oh
yeah, yeah, mix it up with everybody. But you can't get high
in your own supply, especially not in the Roman days. You needed to
be a little finger, like a creature where you you picked up on all
the gossip of the day. Yeah yeah, And I wouldn't touch a drop
of gruel until after midnight. Oh they had wine, They had delicious.
They had delicious wine back then from Elva gruel. Not for the Romans.
But enough, This is not a history podcast, regardless of how accurate and
well knowledgeable we are about ancient history. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you want to talk about I want to talk about the next day,
next day when Asia tells these women and listen, we've talked about it before.
I want nothing to do with scuba that deep. I don't want to
be down there. I don't trust myself with contraptions. You could also get
trapped between two rocks. Next thing, you know, they're like, what
are you gonna do? So what you say? You try and climb in
a cave. You're trying to change like a gigantic zebra eel. Next thing,
you know, that scuba thing tank on swage between two rocks. They're
like, right, I don't know what we're gonna do here? Yeah,
yeah, yeah, And then you drowned to death. Okay, so there's
that, but also the contraptions. There's so many valves and nozzles, you
know what I mean. I would fuck it up somehow. Yeah, I'd
get the bens nitrogen head blows off. I'm not sure. I can barely
work my prius. It's just a it's just a car. It's very easy.
Well, you know how I stand on this. I'm afraid of water.
I hate the ocean. So no buyo, no bueno for you.
But even with us being this averse to this practice, when Asia said yea
to drinking, to drinking, it hits the ears incorrectly, You're like,
well, that doesn't make it anymos, not at all. And then I
was thinking, so a lot of people are on our Facebook group. Join
it if you haven't already another below deck podcast on Facebook. Some had chimed
in that you don't actually have to have a scuba license, because I would
have thought if you went through all the trouble of getting a scuba diving license,
you clearly would know you're not supposed to be boozing, right, But
I guess you can get certified on the spot. Oh well, that might
have even that I'll probably take like thirty seven minutes. I can't imagine it
taking less than watch a video. Yeah. Well, anyway, that was
a major fuck up on Asia's part, major fuck up. And tonight we
have an LVP performance for Masha. I mean, it's just insane. She's
all over the place. She's turning Serena into a line cook. She's telling
these women that they can get drunk before going, you know, into the
bowels of the ocean, and then she just completely forgets to tell Serena that
Captain hotta Ass is sitting down for dinner and she's just losing her goddamn mind.
Zarina will settle her hash with this later in the episode. I believe,
Yeah, yea three strike roll. I like the three strike roll.
Aha is lighting stacks of money on fire at this point, and it's very,
very dangerous. So they get back and they go up to Asha and
they go, hey, Ash, the fuck was And Asia is teflon don
in this moment. She takes zero accountability for any kind of error, and
I respect the move, I respect the moxie. Yeah, they kind of
bought it. I don't know how. I don't think they did. Now,
Kermit confesses to us that she did, in fact fuck up. I
think they showed her a little video playback of her saying ye us to us.
She admits wrongdoing to them. She smashes them with over the head with
the gas lamp is what she does to them, and then add insult to
injury. She hams up the snorkeling aspect. Snorkeling's good. Snorkeling's good for
you. You should do snorkling. Snorkeling's great. She hams up how incredible
snorkeling is. And that's a very very shooby thing to do, but it
works. Sometimes you kind of graph thoughts on people because you're like, I
guess I like school snorkeling. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's in my brain now. Doesn't work on you? Doesn't? Oh yeah,
you can graft. You know how you get h little finger you were
talking about earlier? Yeah yeah, yeah, from game at H. Well
what you do? Start ah, if you hate a coworker, started going
to the boss lady or the boss man, start going hey Jacob, it's
a little lazy. Oh yeah. The first time the person is gonna go
I don't think that, but okay, thanks mentioned it like a week later,
he's kind of lazy, and then you mentioned it to a couple other
co workers. Then you start creating a thing, okay, and then at
some point when Jacob does appear to be a little lazy, he is deemed
the laziest person. It's really a manipulative thing of human natures, and I
despise it quite frankly. Is this a Bob Green like forty eight Laws of
Power kind of thing? I guess that would be in that book, but
I used to notice it with when I worked at that insurance. Yeah,
I would worry that you would run the risk of people thinking you were a
crazy person because you're going around telling everybody that one guy's lazy. And then
everybody starts talking and they're like, he doesn't seem to be lazy, but
this guy's going around and telling everybody that this guy's lazy. I think he's
got it out for this guy. I shared the story before my my dear
friend Bob used to call Bob the whatever but he was short and anyway,
we were good. But he's not short. Patrick. You cannot shy away
from the language of your Okay, you know these wokesters, man, I
know but I don't want to offend anybody but back he's Bob, the gay
dwarf. And he went the gay dwarf. He's not just short, all
of the proportions are small. Yes. And we were at a bar and
he hit on me and said, would we ever sleep with each other?
And I said, I'll tell you why. If I ever die, you
can have sex with my dead body. But other than that, no fucking
way. Yeah, child, I was laughing. He went and cried.
Then the next day he went to a TopWare party with all my coworkers and
decided to tell them that I am the laziest person that works at North American
Insurance. And then I get called in the manager's office. A little fuck.
I had no idea that bizarre hypothetical you laid out was such a hurtful
personal tale. Wow, I live with it very pain. You know,
the disabled have quite a chip on their shoulder. No, I'm kidding,
all right, all right, all right, back on, all right,
where the fuck are we? All right? So yeah, guests return a
shad denies any culpability, and then we get Keith Stone, the stolen character
of Captain Lego. Ahead. I know, I pointed, this out this
I need to repeat this style. And because we've mentioned this on the show
also, it's been talked about it on Facebook group. I thought Keith Stone
because I I don't remember them running that out in Los Angeles, but it
was obviously run wherever the fuck he's from, I do. But it was
like one of those things like like a dua lipa song that just keeps going
over and over again, and you hear it all the time, so it
just becomes like oxygen too. You don't see it, you don't think about
it, you just fucking ingested. Here's the thing with Culver is he completely
just steals the entire character, never giving credit to while I stole this from
a key light Key commercial. So here's the commercial. This is the an
actual culture. A little lady, my kekey, she's sucking the treeblema Stone,
Hey little key, easy easy, easy, adding girl. She'll be
fine. She's just a little shaken. Thank you, young man. What's
your name? My name Stone? Now, if you don't know that character
exists, you'd be like, oh, that that's an original thing that Captain
Legohad came up with. But when you realize that he just stole it,
it just brings. I mean, he I think even the origin is derivative.
So to steal from something that derivative and then to, through some kind
of horrific floor routine, convince yourself that it is of your own creativity and
imagination. I mean, it's really really horrifying. Now they're doing on you.
You want original bastard? So the Yeah, I guess we're just gonna
keep hammering him. Yeah. There's not a lot likable about him, No,
and I know, but I just he's lazy, he's a jerk,
he's a copycat. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. By the way, he's
cheap. He's cheap. I think in the next episode it's the second time
he doesn't pay a fucking bill. All right, well, listen, I
would hate him just on that. Listen. I don't want to be the
guy defending Jaffar or anything here, but you know, I'm not going to
defend me. I'm talking with half the cast, and they hear me break
his balls every single episode, not one single person. That's Hey, I
think you're getting Colver Rocke. I say, there's silence is at actually quite
definitely? Yeah? Yeah yeah, yeah, wow, sorry, Colve.
Sorry, do people call you colve. Okay, so the yeah that and
and let's break down that Keystone light commercial real quick. I mean, thank
god we have progressed while it was from twenty eighteen. By the way,
Yeah, I know the that commercial was. We didn't say what it was.
It was a it was an old woman in peril said her. We
thought her Kiki was in the tree. The tree. What Kiki was was
her smoking hot granddaughter and Keystone pulls her out, saves her life and all
that. And I was just thinking about it. Cat pussy. He's just
he's going around drinking beer, trolling for pussy. That's what Keith Stone Dull
Stones, hold my balls. I mean, there are so many antendras double
and it's just a gross character to rip off. You know. Now you're
going in on him. I know, it's ridiculous, all right, ridiculous.
So Serena learns hot Pants will be joining for dinner. And this is
when you get you get a call from Whittier. That's never good. Yeah,
Witty, that is what do they want? Anyway, Serena informs Karmit
that she has a three three strike rule about communication. I don't know what
she'd do on that third strike but because I don't think you can fire the
chiefs too. Maybe she'd complain, I don't know, whatever, karmit takes
it well? Uh and then would she? I could see Serena snapping,
do you think so? Yeah, throwing a ladle of stock at somebody or
something like that. Third strike you're out and you have burns. You know,
I could see Serena doing that. Food if it's really hot, I
can injure you as well. Oh yeah, you ever had a fresh hot
slice of pie? Oh? Yeah, I mean it's essentially you know,
the things that make up a cobbler are sweet sweet Jimmy napalm, fresh out
of the oven. You need that to cool down for I mean, I
would say as long as maybe a roast turkey or or lasagna. Maybe lasagna,
perfect resting food. You know, you can't just go in on that.
You'll ruin the integrity of it. It'll fall like the Twin Towers.
So hot Pants joins the dinner table, and immediately I guess he joins the
game he didn't want to, which was twenty questions. Yeah, but you
gotta do better with the task. Hot pot ass is not good at small
talk, and we've talked about this before. He's very, very lucky that
he's so attractive because he has lived. Listen, I think he's great for
the show. I think he's perfect captain. Captain, but we've got a
checkered past. And when you plow yachts into marinas and kill a bunch of
people and you're bad at small talk, there's really only one thing that can
make up for that, and it's being a hot piece of hap. Look,
mate, you know, you know I like blue cheese. Nobody could
do anything with that. You know. The only captain maybe Captain Carey from
Adventure who will now be helming the original franchise. No one tries at these
dinners except for Captain Glenn. He'll engage in just a really dumb conversation and
seem like he's completely engaged. Well, I mean, we know why,
Well, we know why. Captain Glenn has always had an itch to begin
graduating. He's been in you know, four a one serial murdering for a
while. But to really go into like a graduate pro program of that kind
of thing, you have to start taking people out who will be missed,
right, So you can take out lepers and homeless people and prostitutes the way
Captain Glenn does. But every time he sits down to dinner with a gaggle
of wealthy women, he thinks, can I do it? Could I get
away with it? And part of that is to lull them into a sense
of security, perhaps get a phone number, get a point of contact to
reel them back in. So that's why. But I don't think any of
these captains like sitting down for dinner. Well anyway, he gets the funk
out of there before desserts put on the table, and then the magic seamen
arrive. Hello God, and then I think, what happened to Melissa Peas,
which wishes. We've got fucking culver coming out there with his tits out
and his dick out. He's talking about come and then he's snapping one of
those those drunk ladies with a fucking bag at in their face. Yeah yeah,
yeah. They have some fucking broiled sausage that's charred, black and dead,
and he's rubbing that on people that smell and then their rubbing baguette,
depending on how fresh it is, that's crusty and uncomfortable. But they're both
phalic and Melissappie said, I am not cool with this. So what do
they do the next night? They tie Zara to the fucking teak and start
humping her face. I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous. Melissa Pee is not
long for this friend group. No, she's buzz killed though. You can't
have those people, are we at the end of this episode? All right?
So anyway, so they do their little fucking song and dance and and
then Jamay and Luca before everyone goes to bed exchange igs so they can start
m Yeah, according to the Chirons, but god knows when those things happen.
Yeah, next morning, the anchor returns home. I always love that.
The only time I've ever trusted a Chiron is when they showed culvert texting
in all caps always? Is that right that I believe happened? Yeah,
I'll be there in three days. Calm down. Well, four juices have
been made by Margo, so she's hitting her goddamn Sea Rats stride at this
point. Oh yeah, combine for Sea Rats four juices. Yeah yeah,
wow, right, job, Margot, you did that. Yeah yeah,
well, and it is right to belittle them the way you're doing right now.
But I mean, when you're when you've got a mimosa bar that has
variety. You're like, wow, this is going to be a brunch.
Oh yeah, yeah, I agree, this is going to be a brunch.
Do you remember that fame day when we went out and we had a
Castaways Castaways? I didn't I had no idea I needed a charcoal mimosa until
that day. And then, of course we got the unfortunate news that they
were done serving the charcoal mimosas. Yeah. I only want the charcoal memosa
now, Andrew, So what the fuck are we are? At? Quite
a fucking impact. We all just dropped thirty bucks for endless mimosis. Yeah,
get that charcoal machine. Go fire up a fucking brick, Andrew.
Also, this hollandais is fucking broken and disgusting. I don't know how this
place is. Castaways, just go up there for the view. Yeah all
right, So they guests apart and a critique is getting. Yes, Melissape
the wet blanket says, you guys told us we who can? Hey,
who leave it alone? Who cares what she says? Okay, she's trying
to fucking deflate our fun balloon. And besides, you already handed the tip
over, so you can't change it. Yeah, I had the greatest time
one time. This is years ago. A person was like, God,
I can't forget what the interaction was, but basically it was one of those
things where you'll never see the person again. So they were, oh,
yeah, yeah. So I parked in this parking spot and they said you
can. You can park there now, but just so you know, you
can't ever, don't ever park there again. I said, I don't live
in this state. I will never be back here again. So this conversation
is pointless, right right right, And then they just stared like fuck you,
yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. But I don't live in
Delaware because Delaware is Delaware. No, I'm kidding. Delaware is beautiful or
so I hear. It's just it's just Delaware, you know. Yeah,
look at me, a fucking coastal elite. You are shitting on fucking states.
I've only driven through three times and thought every time, Man, this
is fucking boring, you know. So we have to get to the second
episode. Tip Oh yeah, so it's twenty grand, that's decent. Sixteen
sixty six, the helmet goes to Juoo. I think it really should have
gone to Kermit but we can't forget that he's stuck in captain hotpants with that
drunk lady. Yeah, Margot asked Kermit if she can finish the charter season
on service, which is kind of unfair to Jama. Right, here's this,
and they're probably well, let's yeah, let's break down the teak talk
because we we think that we're going to have some kind of revelry, some
kind of of joy for the sea routes. They've got one charter left,
they just killed one. They got twenty grand, but no, we have
politicking to get to. We have in fighting. Now. This was Asia's
dare I'd say fourth or fifth error, and probably the most egregious of them,
because while it's fine to let Margo be on service, you have to
come. You cannot give Margo that baton without asking if you can take it
from Jamie. That's right, Private school girl, you know, it's just
a process here. It was really really yucky and kind of sloppy from from
Asia's Private school Girl rightly cries yes, yes, so widely crise. So
this is We're going to start the next episode here, but not before an
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percent off at checkout. Hello Dack episode seventeen below Dack Episode seventeen. Let's
let's hit it, baby, all right. So we begin with Kermit checking
in on Jamay because you know she's so upset, And meanwhile, Juao uses
this discourse amongst the interior to let Captain leago head no fucking useless piece of
shick. Jua was like, no, no, no, there's there's a
process on these boats. And a perfect example, what perfect example, Culver,
You know how you were a lazy piece of shit. That's why you
didn't get a deckhead hight. So that's what happens everybody, and Culver's just
like, god damn flighty shot across about now. Culver, I'm gonna give
you high points for creativity. Later when you you and Jamay go down into
that like chemical closet or whatever the fuck you did to have sex, I'm
not going to give him cool points because that was like a Dahmer processing room
that had that reeked of paint chips and blood to each his own. But
you got to switch it up every once in a while. But there's no
important business here. So get this Joah and Captain Lago ahead, get into
it. And then meanwhile, meanwhile Harry looks on what he's created, because
if you really think about it, he started all this. He's in awe
of his creation. It harked me back to when I farted on a school
bus when I was nine and everyone starts pointing fingers at each other. It
was almost a fucking riot. I'm sitting there laughing my ass off with great
pride because I caused such an emotional reaction, right right, right, It's
like if you let the bulls out early of the running of the bulls.
You know, my brain doesn't work sometimes. And also, my father one
of the happiest moments of his life, and I mean there is no exaggeration.
He farted in the Rono care He farted in the Rono airport and there
was a toddler behind him and the child began to cry. He it really
is one of the most joyous moments of Clyde's entire life. Wow. Yeah,
he's a sick, sick puppy for him, So I've never engaged in
that childish behavior since I was nine. Yeah, I think dad did when
he was like sixty two. Well, Serena lets Margo know her request was
was cool with her, and then Kermit swanks the reasoning for swapping everyone hogs
in it. It was really Harry that ruined it. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, there's well, it was Asia that ruined it, and Harry was
just protecting the He's the snitch, called the snitch, the Golden Snitch and
quidditch. I am not a big Harry Potter fan, so I don't know
why is it called the snitch because it rhymes with quidditch? Yeah, but
the snitch is such a yucky thing, you know, you don't want to
be a snitch. That's like thus, you know, it's like a little
golden ball that flies. I feel like it should have a different name.
Anyways, this is a really sweet moment between the three of them. I
think that they're a big reason why the show is doing so well. It's
a really really great interior. There's a lot of fun there. Did we
somebody got fired? Oh yeah? That rat from Lapia? Oh yeah lord
yeah, yeah, as she sucked. Yeah, we couldn't have you need
fun synergy with hiccups. You can't have nastiness for too long. Nastiness too
overstays. It's welcome too often, way too often. Nobody needs that.
So we head out to So there's gonna be two We're gonna have two storylines
we're following simultaneously. We are going to have the drunk sea rats out at
a restaurant doing what they do. Yeah, and then we're gonna have a
date night like that Frost poem. M Yes, yes, rod less traveled.
We're on this road and Zerena lets us and the road less less traveled.
Here is two sea rats sitting down to try to date each other.
And there's a reason why that's less traveled. Now, Zerena says she has
a lot of questions about Chiual because she's only known him for two weeks.
You've known him for a little bit longer than that, because he dated your
friend Zerina. Okay, so when we get her on the show, which
we will get her on the show, I gotta get into this because I
was completely confused by this dinner, because while it is a jokey kind of
tension, it is certainly adversary. No, no, No. What makes
it so uncomfortable was how the jokings didn't mask any of the animosity or quite
frankly, anarchy from Serena. Serena just went off right Zerena a gasket blew
because she calls him fake. And then I think he asked, oh my
god, that don't ever speak to me again. Line that don't ever speak
to me that way. I'm not fucking joking. That was concerning. I
think he must have done something to piss her off before. Maybe we didn't
see something that they added it out. I don't know. I'm just call
me crazy, but because it does not make sense, because they had wonderful
kind of compatibility and same sense of humor, and of course the sexual chemistry
is there. This is a night out where you're going to order a bunch
of I think, skinny bitches and have a fucking good old time and then
bang away back at the boat. Skinny bitch isn't quite a dinner order two
maybe not banging away because the dinner order was margaritea pizza puscida barata hit the
table at the same time, see you later. I was like, my
god, that is a way to order my gun so they have a insane
breakdown, and the the sea rats are partaking in what they'd partake in usually,
which is sitting down. Lots of smiling drinks are ordered, and Asha
begins a you would think that it's an unrealistic amount of enthusiasm for really any
place they go. But that's just a yeah, that's just a yeah,
yeah, that's why we love her. Yeah, overly enthusi enthusiastic about stupid
things. Hey, you know, Captain legohead checks in with bol Off,
his buddy there for that. You know, everyone's got these rats, right,
they got limited time to try and get on the next boat, So
she's kind of waiting. This may have been a big blunder on culversus.
What do you mean that he lied about it? I don't think he lied
about it. I don't think it was a solid uh job yet. And
he's already kind of making it like it's a done deal. Okay. His
job wasn't solid, her job didn't even exist. And then he talked to
her and he said, hey, captain told me I could bring someone none
no, no, said Olaf never even responded to you when you said,
and good on Olaf, because your response back to him was insane. Pat
you be olaf or a boss. Tell me you got a gig for me.
I have a gig for you. I'll take it. And hey,
I got a girlfriend. You want to hire her too? Absolutely not.
It's like, in what world do you hire the girlfriend too? I don't
think that. Not at Target, not at Lehman Brothers, you know,
not in none of these places. So Culver's really stuck between a rock and
a hard play. And he may still be in shock with that because one
of those another one of those goddamn checks arrives at the fucking dinner table.
Okay, he pretends he can't see. I don't know what to read on
this is. I think that Luca grabs it, and good on Luca because
it's a light night. But this is why Culver should have leaped it.
You gotta leap at it. There are two searets missing. You gotta charter
the next day. This is a subdued cea right now, see rat night
out. You gotta get this bill, get this bill. I've done this
far. I've actually talked to a friend that's in the car driving away that
paid for the dinner, and I literally throw cash in the window, literally
throw it out because they won't accept the money. And then they throw it
out, and then we do that little dance and then finally, all right,
just give me the fucking money back. Yeah, but you gotta pretend
like you really want to pay. But that's going too far though. Well
I agree what you did, right, Yeah, you agree that low self
esteem and I also have imposter syndrome. Yes, yeah, why would this
person want to have dinner with me? I should pay for it? Yeah,
and then the dinner doesn't go well because you're all up in your head
and then they pay for it, and then you come running out to their
car like Christine and her husband and chase them down with money. I mean,
it's just not a good move, bet know. But that's what captain
Captain Legohead should have done it. He did not. He did not.
Harry I will say, gaslights him a little bit. Love it. He's
like, hey, cheap fuck, look Luca got the check. Again.
Sorry that was not said, right, Harry said, hey, you cheap
fuck, look Luca got he was. He was like, hey, you
cheap fuck. You didn't pay for another one, you know. And then
when Culver's like, hey, that's really intense. Harry just gets up and
slaps his knee and goes, hey, don't worry about it, man,
I'm just falling around, And it's like, whoa, no, no,
no, no, no, you really meant that. Yeah yeah, making
me look bad. You make me lose shout out of animosity because it's a
gross thing to do. Now, can we go back to Juawanzarena. So
when they get back, because they meet up at the club that's completely empty
except being filled with sea rats, and they go to that one. They've
been here before. This place they have the fancy drinks. They have the
dragon fruit margaritas. Okay, yeah, but yeah, so okay, So
Zerena and Jual they hit their perspective groups, right, so the guys,
she goes to the girls. Let me be doctor Phil for a second without
doing the horrible hacky accus no no, no, do the accent. I
can't do it. Oh bad baby, But that wasn't good. I can't
tell my life. My wife loves watching that show. I can't tell if
it's still running or if it's just repeats from five years ago. Oh I'm
still I'm sure he always waved at our tour buses. So he's okay in
my book. All right, so the doctor Phil here, they should is
he though, because he did some really kind of oh yeah, questionable thing.
Oh yeah, when you're on TV and you're in this Hollywood thing,
you'll sell your own children out to be famous. Yeah. So this is
what they should have done. They should have taken this opportunity for dinner to
learn about each other. Uh, not discuss all these expectations about a relationship
on a on a greater level. Just keep it simple. Yeah, keep
it light. You keep it light. That's how you get to know someone,
and then you'll get to know if they have a porn addiction. Floss
their teeth with pubic hair. I've done that, or I've seen someone do
that before. Do they have a fascination which I've seen a girl do that,
And we also say, you know what, we've seen a sea rat
do that. Do you remember that girl, the weird one? She used
to floss her teeth with hair, not pubic hair. Well, you weren't
even never been in the same bathroom with her, you know what. I
want to move on. I don't want to clarify, okay, but you
definitely you'll get to know someone you'll know if they have a fascination with fire,
they could possibly be unhealthy cereal art. And we are recording at a
different time of day, and I really think it's throwing us for a loop
because I don't think we can talk tonight. I can't. I'm stumbling all
over my words. I'm going to see Jacob Collier at the Hollywood Bowl in
an hour, and I'm trying. Okay, okay, So Culver, does
you have a coffee or anything? Maybe you're a red bull? Yeah,
I'll probably have a red bull, Culver. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
the ones which sugar hurt my tummy? Hey mine do? Right? Yeah,
sure those things. Culver pays the bar tab at this place, but
they only show a snippet of that, but they show him get behind the
bar. Yeah yeah, so he didn't. And see, this is not
a good bill to pay for because this is a secret operation. This is
what Culver wants is to be recognized as the hero. But the recognition is
the important part, you know, It's kind of it runs, it runs
counter to really any heroic act. You don't do it for the way.
So we go back to the boat, LA talk about Ramen because I don't
know what your stance is on this. Yeah, yeah, okay, So
this is how it works Ramen. For me, it used to be poor
college person food. In college, you get twenty packs for a dollar fifty.
Now it's an hour and a half line to get in and a twenty
five bucks for a fucking bawl of it with an egg cracked on top of
it. Yeah, well it's not cracked, it's a it's marinated. Okay.
Yeah, it's lovely, of course, yeah, no, no,
but you want to talk about tough on your tummy? My god, you
get a bowl of tum katsu. I mean that thing. You might as
well have four big max. I mean that there was so much goddamn salt.
Looks like a basketball. I'm doing I look like a basketball. It's
sneaky. It's a missile of salt and fat. That's why it's so good
delicious. Anyway, he makes Margo that you ever get it spicy? No.
You try tricking me one time and it made my tongue go numb.
What do you mean? Well, you're like, oh, try this,
try this, And I was like, what is it? It's not gonna
hurt me, is it? And of course he lied to me because you
like, are you talking about you? Let me have a bite of ramen,
and it made my mouth go completely Oh that I wasn't. I wasn't
even trying to mock you. I was. I had brought in the boodck
or whatever it was to do a commentary on how the people there's this lit
my ass on fire. The next morning, there's this raising of the temperature
of the palette of culture that is fucking insane. This isn't palatable. Everything's
too spicy. And I wanted to show you that because that was one of
the most popular ramas in the world at the time. And it's like,
who eats this? This is a dare na, this podcast, not this
podcast or neither. So we head back to the boat. Yeah, well
that we're already back there. That's where I'm making the ram so oh yeah,
so you can set your clock to it. Jamie needs that dick.
Yes, she is a fucking boa man. I mean, it's unbelievable.
Props to Captain Leago here. I'm gonna call you by your birth name,
Culver. Good job here, I love you getting your freaky dicky. Move
on? Why bang it out? Linen sheets when you can bend over a
five gallon bucket in some closet where if you inhale anything in there, you'll
probably fucking die. That's hot us dangerous, Yeah, but you have to
be cool to pull off dangerous. This just is kind of like another flapjack
on the stack of or And I think that's what Jamie might be thinking,
you know what I mean. M Yeah, you know I saw a porn
once where it was skydivers and they did it right up two thousand, you
know, two miles up in the air. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah,
not hot at all. No, I'm wondering about the thing if I
should bleep it. Why would you you know, always bleep it if there's
a question, Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah, let's just
go ahead and do that. Yeah, you know, I know it's about
that whole skydiving porn. Yeah, I wasn't wearing a condumn. He came
landed on some farm boy's head. Sad you don't see that coming playing explode,
to see the whole engine flying at take out your roof of your house,
not come right. And you know, if you dropped a nickel off
the Empire States Building and a person was walking in on the head. It
go right through their body. No, I don't think it can reach terminal
velocity, but I'm wondering if come can't depending on how this gets. I
don't know what kind of dietary factors there are, but could that kind of
congeal into a wad of sorts and pick up any kind of speed? It
could kill someone cause of death. Come yeah, come bullet, come bullet?
All right, next morning, next morning, last charter preference sheep meaning
God, damn it, we don't have Oh my god, you gotta give
us a break for this week. Okay, we had a disaster of a
week. The episodes got deleted. It's a new time. We're trying to
get to a Hollywood Bowls show featuring Jacob Call. You're the songbird of the
Zoomers. You feel cool going not at all, Not at all. I'm
gonna fit right in because I like good music. It's not about being cool,
Dylan. What are you doing right now on your phone? My battery's
dying on my phone because I left that goddamn YouTube clip open and now I
got five percent left on my phone. Fuck your wife having to deal with
your battery percentages must be a fucking night. But annoy sir. All right,
do you have a charger by your bed? Yeah? Do you plug
it in? Well, I need a new phone so it doesn't fully charge
it. My phone's fucking with me at this point, but I've been too
busy to go to the Apple store to exchange it. Well, don't get
a twelve. Evidently there are a bunch of French researchers who say it'll give
you cancer? Is that right? Yeah? But who's gonna sue Apple?
You know, Tim Cook's just gonna sit up on his high horse, all
evil and gay and just laugh at us. The time for the proletariat has
come. We must start striking these people down. And sure striking is a
great way to do it. I appreciate the auto workers, but I feel
as though we need a more you know what, I'm going to stop,
but I agree with you. By the way preference sheet meeting these chartered guests,
they basically want to dine out at Benny Hannah's, where you get to
watch a chef flips the simp. People have to be just basic people from
Encino or something, because they want the sushi, they want the dragon roll.
You could get that down down the boulevard because they live south of the
boulevard, you know, so they just drive down to Venture I get a
little dragon roll right, and they also hit that Benny Hannah over there.
You know, well, Dylan, you know what kind of business these charter
guests are into. Exactly this is a stoner thought, but a bunch of
goddamn weedheads thinking it's cool to have shrimp tails flying all over the place where
you're trying to eat. It's not. And you can't just expect to somebody
to pull off a goddamn onion volcano. Do you know? The onion volcano
is much like fish in a sushi master's restaurant. You are not allowed to
touch that until you have gone through seven years of rice tutelage. You can't
just start forming onion towers, you know. It takes a lot of dexterity,
a lot of work. I've seen Benny Haunted people fucking up, and
it's bad because they get nervous because we're expecting the tower to be built at
this point, for the lights to be flipping on and off, and for
the smoke to be rising, and they are not getting us to that promised
land, and people get pissed and understandable. All right, interior meeting.
Then the guests arrive in. Jamay is a fan. Where is that note?
Ju May is a fan son maybe of Luca? Yeah? Probably,
huh, Yeah, she's a fan of Luca. I hope they hook up
in the last episode. I believe they do. Really, I think they
do. Oh now I feel bad? Why because heartbreak you don't want anybody
to experience. We all have though, Why should Culver be immune to it?
I don't think he's capable of promise my stone? Okay, all right,
so Jamie is well, the people that the people head to the boat,
they rip shots, they hit in and there's too many secret handshakes,
way too many secret handshakes. That's driving me absolutely insane because they're adults,
right, and you don't need to be doing secret handshakes when you're adults.
Asia and Margo get to drinks, and that is when Margot brands these people
as Stepford wives, which is kind of a you know, kind of a
nice, nice bet because you know, these people, they have the kids,
they have the Florid Explorer, they have the core power yoga, and
they do not feel sadness. Yeah, because there are pills for that.
Yeah, you know these people, I do. So. Jamie is asked
to head in and clean the room with one of the weed heads Melissa.
Hey, Melissa, Maria Quando isn't on this fucking vessels condo? What do
you Chrissy teach dead naming Asian Americans? The fuck is wrong with I think
it was a type of Keith Stone is pitched to help for dinner. No,
because Serena, much like many of the talented chefs who have come through
the threshold of a Benny Hanna training center in Tarzana, lost my sentence.
Oh you did, yeah, okay, but she's too scared to do the
onion town. Yeah. Yeah, she doesn't want to je rightfully. So,
as you pointed out, it takes years of training. You can't just
make that up on the spot. There's a lot of things these sea rat
chefs can do. They can go on Google and look at you know,
how do you do some kind of Spanish souflay or some shit. Yeah you
can't do this with an onion volcano, right, No, you could hit
a baseball from a picture theoretically. Now get up to the plate. You
know you got skeeters no, what are you doing to you itchy? Just
like just stitched my ankle. Do you have mosquito bites? No? I
think you do. I don't what what is what is so bad about admitting
that you have mosquito bites? Well, because I think it's a pointless to
bring up in a podcast. Oh, good point. But I think what
you're doing is you're not You don't want to admit that you got bit up
by the same bugs that bit up Kleb. I'm not and then deleted our
podcast because of it. You because you didn't want to be cold suffered the
same consequence as him, but you won't admit it. And now you're trying
to gas like me, going, oh, I don't think it's good podcast.
That's not what's happened. That's exactly what's happening. Case solved, stamp
shut. So hot Pants catches wind of this, and he's fucking pissed.
Wait wait, wait, wait are you talking about shit? Yeah, he's
pissed, but he's doing a lot of leg work here. Okay, So
this simultaneously, Jammay melts Melissa's dress and hot Pants is called down and he
treats it kind of like a death rows last meal or something he's like,
he tells them, and let the guests enjoy their their dinner, then let
them know you fucking ruin their clothes. Yeah yeah, smart strategy, I
think. And Jimmy private school girl and the Primary, you know, this
goes as well as it could. The Primary forgives her to her face and
then calls her a disgusting sea route in the privact. Yeah yeah, yeah,
yeah, I love how Yeah Melissa, she's a kind goddess. She
lets Jamay live only to go down to her tiny little god cabin and discuss
what ovenient goddess she is. But she will kill if this happens again.
And we've got our episode title, tiny little gob God Captain. What the
fuck we need to end these shows all right now? Yo? So we
head out to that disappearing island again. Oh yeah, I don't want to
call this season a one trick pony season, but they are a carnival cruise
ship at this point, because this is what they do for an express,
right right right? Yeah yeah, and they make it fun. Grab some
of these rabid dogs and from and from that beach that had the hypodermic needles
on transport them on the island. Okay, you know, I think that
would be fun. Order Margharita's will scrambling to dodge rabid dogs. Wasn't that
there their season? They used to bring him to that beach where they're like
homeless dogs. I don't think it was down under. But you're saying that
that would make it more fun, exciting and different. Just because it would
make it different, it would make it bad. How did these dogs get
here? Where do they go when the sand goes away and it's only water?
I don't know, not my problem, Melissa, Yeah, yeah,
yeah, Hey Melissa, you asked too many fucking questions. Don't you look
out that one's trying to bite you? Oh? Mine was on the rocks,
honey. Oh okay, all right. So Culver gets pressed by PSG
Private School. She's like, what's going on? And he goes, I've
been texting. It's not like they have their phones on them all at time.
It's been a week. What are you talking about? That is?
That is such a bad defense of this. You're scrambling. You have to
throw up a shot that's going to come even remotely close to the hoop,
you know what I mean? I have to say this. If I'm culver,
and I already like, if I'm as obsessed as I think he is
of her, I'd be calling every networking person I could. I need a
job for two people. I need a job for two people. Whatever you
can get us, just to make it happen, because the worst thing that
can happen is it falls through and she ends up sucking face with Luca.
Oh yeah, and and and get fired over it. Make that your primary
job. Who cares what you want you to do? Who cares if the
boat sinks? Get that next gig told her it was coming. So the
episode ends with Z call Z and she's concerned. He's upset. I have
no idea, but it's almost dinner time, and Captain hot Stuff puts the
kabash on the Keithstone appearance. I appreciate that, and says he's excited too.
He's like, we're gonna see that on you too, and she says,
I'm not doing it. Fuck you're not. It's right, you know
we're goal. We're setting up a fucking heavyweight bow for next episode. Serena
versus hot ass racka ass hot Captain Man. I wonder who's gonna win I'm
curious if next week is a reunion. I haven't been able to get that
out of Sea rats. They must have told him. That's the one thing
they can't tell me. But do we just get one episode next week and
then a reunion? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, well
we'll find out next week. Sorry, there wasn't two this week. Listen
hurts us more than it hurts you. Oh yeah, I'd love doing it.
I was talking about like programmatics, right, yes, financially definitely kicks
us right in the nuts. Yeah. So hope Kalin's kicking himself and enjoying
whatever sandwich he's eating right now. I can't stand that, kid man.
Oh, come on, you gotta love iTunes ratings, reviews five stars,
kind words. We will read them next week. Pat you have to remind
me. Okay, we're reading reviews next week because we read reviews on the
first episode and then Kaylin deleted it. You remember that. Yeah, so
we don't have time now, Okay, so we'll do it next week.
Go to patreon dot com, slash another podcast network. Join us on what
do we want to plug this week? Twin our Instagram? Fun great videos
there, yeah, fun videos. Love you guys. I'm Dylan saying goodbye
Pat. Say goodbye later, dudes,