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This week on Softcore History, we're talking about a really fun subject, animals
at war. That's right. We're getting into all the ways humans have used
animals in warfare throughout history. And no we're not talking about cavalry. God,
I wish we were just talking about riding horses. A lot of fire
fires is used liberally throughout this episode for reasons that actually weirdly tend to be
effective. Welcome to Softcore History. What is up? Welcome back to softcore
History. I am your host for the week, Rob Fox, joined as
always by Dan Chester and our special guest for the week, Jesse Wine Spritz
are wise man, I mean, listen by popular demand back right, I'm
a you know, I'm a friend of the pod. Now, usually you're
an autumn girl with us. Yeah, but we got you in the summer,
got me out in the summer during spooky season. Yes, get you
for the Halloween episodes. Yes, but you enticed me with the All you
told me is that there might be killings. Can I go we enticed you
with Jake's not here anymore? Yes, And I want to say something off
that just at the top. Give us your oyster farming take. Let's go
what I wanted to say, because he will listen. I think he's still
listening, Hi, sweetheart, Jake listened to Jake. Honey. So,
if you were to ask me, what's the most disgusting food? Yeah,
to me, oysters. They do not get you horny, literally, it
doesn't. Thinking about it right now, I'm like sweating a little bit.
It is so disgusting. I like the taste of snot and sea salt and
just like anything that you have to put that much shit on hot sauce,
hot horse, radish, horse radish. You actually need to like punish your
mouth and make it, make your mouth so numb, like you can only
take it with a head injury. Yeah, and listen, I know,
I know it's not a hot take, but my god, disgusting. I
can't think of anything grosser to do with your life. And we say good
luck, right, yeah, we say god speed. Work in the fields.
We love them for it every day with that for the rest of your
life. This is your life. This is it. If it goes as
planned, yes, and we hope that for you. The other thing I
wanted to say is I am very competitive. And the other show of yours
that is doing better than mine, well, this is the other one.
Is my co host on Jesse Wiseman's Crime Corner already plugging, already plugging,
already plugging because she's a professional. Okay, is Coop Matthew Cooper. So
I think it's interesting. He's got the most views on YouTube right now on
our channel US. We upset the Canadians. We did. We made a
lot of Canadians very angry by accusing a war criminal of being a war criminal.
I'm just committed to buy the book Warri. I'm not even mad about
it because you did it to Nazis. But we were like, oh,
that is a war crime. Yeah, like there's absolutely a war and Canadians
popped in They're like, you don't know, fucking my favorite thing. And
it's especially funny because we work with a lot of veterans here, and a
lot of veterans come into the studio. Yes, and no one ever says
this to my face ever, really, but online, boy if I don't
even know if these are veterans, but the amount of people. If you
say anything about war that someone doesn't like, the first thing they'll say is,
look at that fucking shirt. You don't know anything. It's always the
shirt that you don't know anything about fucking war, right, Like I just
that's just in the Geneva Convent. I mean, that's just written down and
we don't we don't claim to know what it's I mean, listen, you're
wearing a tight ied shirt. Yeah, do you know what I mean?
Peace and love, Peace and love. I'm just kidding. I watched I
watched guncan videos. Yeah, get a kick out of it. Yeah,
actually that's funny. We did a Canadian and episode just talking shit about Canada.
Did quite well. Yeah. I think that this guy was like,
they're fragile people. He was like, yeah, my god, yeah,
good lord. I think this guy is like they're like not like a war
hero, like general war hero like Washington or Patton or something, but he's
like a blue collar like enlisted man. Leo, Yeah, Leo major,
So like Audie Murphy or something, and they really took that to fun,
like Pat Tillman, you know what I mean. Oh, you might as
well have been about Tillman. Yeah, so i'd said all kinds. I
mean, it was just like they want so bad to be America. They
do everything we do, only a little bit more annoying, right, and
and worse. Yeah, and the names over there. So the episode that
we did, it was like one horrible name after horrible name and the worst
person, yeah person, like what they're you know what people are named over
there? Right, your first name, your surname. And the worst of
them was a lady named Clotilda. That's not real, not Matilda, not
you know what I mean, clo Tilda. It sounds like some sort of
animal vagina turned like you could see the dolphins Clotilda, Yes, yeah,
yeah, because I even think that's what they're called. I think of Cloaca.
Sorry, but I mean the most famous Canadian has the softest name of
all time. Aubrey. Yes, okay, the most famous I would argue,
right, Drake has to be the most famous Canadian. Yeah the accent.
I mean, anyways, let's get into this episode. Yeah, we're
good, We're well on our way. Yeah, we're we got the banter
in and I Taylor. We were saying off Mike before the show, how
much we turn off potentially thousands listeners? And I have a tweet going viral
right now, and I put the link under it so we might get a
lot of news on one or two people. Yeah, might click that link.
One hundred thousand people saw the podcast link below the one that's going viral,
and ninety three people have clicked on the link out of one hundred thousand.
You shut up. I mean the batting average there is. He's going
viral off somebody else's content. He might as well be the fat Jew.
Listen, who among us? Right? Do any of us have our own
content? What do you? At some point you need to just flush your
principles down the toilet? Absolutely, yeah, if you haven't already. So
this is my history of funny quotes from movies. We're just gonna quote Anchorman
throughout the whole thing. Hey, yeah, throwing a boor at and I'm
in let's go my wife. Now, all right, let's get into this
week's episode, Jesse, I did Taylor us for you. Taylor the Patreon
episode this week for you. Try the year is seventy one BC. The
Romans are laying siege to the legendary city of Themisira. Of course, our
Roman expert Jesse Wiseman, Yes, yes, well known, I'll get there,
don't worry. Said to be the legendary home of the Amazons and wonder
Woman. In reality, it's merely a city in the Pontic Kingdom and what
is now modern day Turkey. Rome wants it for itself. The city's walls,
however, are daunting, too big and too difficult to overcome without suffering
heavy casualties. So the Roman general Luculus Lucullus whatever now Luculus Yeah, ordered
huge tunnels to be dug underneath the walls in order to breach the city's defenses.
The tunnels were huge, very big, so big that the pont defenders
were able to get in there themselves, and battles ensued inside the tunnels underground,
but the fight was growing increasingly hopeless in the face of Roman mte,
so desperate to reverse the course of battle, the pontri the Pontics turned to
an unlikely ally, Nature, Oh Nature, did you write all that I
did? Were you smart? They released bees into the tunnels. What Okay,
bees just started chucking bee hives down the tunnels. Holy shit. The
only thing I hate worse than oysters is fucking bees. Dude, you did
not you said animals. Bees are not animals. Bees are better than right,
did you hear? By the way, do you remember how bees were
growing extinct, about how we were killing all the bees? They made a
huge combat. Not only kidding because it wasn't even have bees made it comeback.
But you know, we've actually reforced the earth. We've deforestation is no
longer an in the myth, no, but like I think last year was
the first year where we actually reforested more than deforced, Like we finally were
in the black, or we were in the shit we cut down, we
were in the black. We were so we were just in the black.
Yeah. So it's like saying, like I know, I know, I
know, But it's like saying, hey, inflation was only you know,
like three point four percent, and it's like that is really good, but
you're still what has it been for the past like twenty months? You know
what I mean? It's like, Yay, we're getting back in the right
track, right or it's like your but your boy Kevin Spacey, like if
he Rob's Boy did Rob's Boy. Ellia Confidential is my co favorite movie.
So I actually do love Kevin Spacey quite a bit. Of course, not
as a person, but my god, as an artist, My god,
artist oh Rob doesn't care for the movies. No, no, no,
yah wants to fucking kick it with him. It's the offset stuff. But
anyways, it'd be like if he got a moot movie that paid him thirty
million, right, right, yeah, now you're zero. Right. So
bees, they start tossing bees down the tunnels, but they do more?
Are we talking like? No, there's lots of different bees. I don't
know, just pissed off bees, pissed off like a with the stinger.
Yeah, I would hope, because the plenty of bees that don't have stingers,
right, the big fat bees. Yeah, it's not the bumble bees.
It's bees that'll sting the fuck out of you. But that's just because
everybody had an uncle that would capture the bee, entire string around the bumble
bee. Everyone had that. I know how you think your experiences of universal.
So everyone has had an uncle that tied a string around a bumblebee and
walked the bumblebee. I don't even Oh, you know where you're from.
Yeah, I've heard that. I mean clapping for pigeons. Most people I
know captured fireflies in a jaw and or in your hands, and you were
like, I got a firefly? Yeah once maybe Actually you know it was
psychotic behaviors. I never did this because I even thought it was weird back
then. And I don't really have a moral compass or anything, but I
just thought it was like bizarre is and girls would do this more than boys
is. They would pull the light off the firefly and make a little ring
out of it with the blade of grass. You guys, I've never you
never saw that. I never saw that, or you know where I'm from.
Don't tell anybody, but like, no, we didn't have that feels
extremely on brand for oh you didn't have fireflies. I feel like that's something
you would have done as a little girl, probably probably just like put in
my hair a little yea girl running around. Yeah, we did the june
bugs, and we would tie the the big june bugs that you would see.
Okay, so my experience to get a leash around them in a way.
I mean, we've all tortured bugs, I think, which bug.
Is the question is there a danger of fireflies going extinct? Because it seems
like there's seems like there's less and less. I agree, so maybe i'd
have to look it up. I don't. We can say yes, why
not, but like then you got to think of like what does that benefit
or hurt? Right, they're kind of useless. I think other things eat
them, right, So yeah, but they God, you think too,
whatever, those are some bird that we don't care about. God, get
rid of the bees and the birds and the oysters, well, the romans.
We're just in phase one of the Pontic attack. Bees were phase one.
Phase two is all the Pontics or the Pontic Army, the Pontic defenders
whatever started releasing Syrian brown bears into the tunnels. It's quite a nice escalation.
So first bees, first bees to get them all in my face,
and then as they're like getting them off the face. Then and the Syrian
brown bear, just so you know, is about the size of a grizzly,
but it's a brown bear. The two bears, you don't want to
fuck with our brown bear. And then a polar be you really don't want
to deal with, right, a polar bear will rip you in half for
fun. A brown bear will is likely to fuck you up, but a
polar bear will just do it. But don't you feel like if you encounter
a polar bear, you've really it's over. But you've also like gone to
the place you know. Yeah, you're in a place you're not just like
hiking in La Yeah. And then there there was a woman and her not
very old child who we were just walking through Anchorage and surprised. Now,
don't get me started on Alaska. Let's go. What if you just want
to go on a tour of the Coca Cola factory And yeah, one of
the Christmas bears pops out, wakes up, and yeah, that they have
there is some kind of like fun attraction. By the way, I guess.
There's a really funny picture that like a lot of people think was cute.
It's from a couple of years ago, and it's a little girl and
she's facing this like polar bear enclosure and she's like hands on the glass and
the polar bears like pause on the glass and people are like oh, they're
saying high like no you want Yeah, it's hungry. That little girl's head
off and drink her blood, just snarling at her. She's like yeah,
and like in instances like that, I go break the glass. If the
glass breaks, she dies. She dies. Listen, it could be worse.
So first bees, yes, and that's to just then the bears are
coming. The bears come in these Roman engineers and it's engineers down there digging
the tunnel. So they have to like evact the engineers get the actual soldiers
in there, or the soldiers who are in there helping the digging and stuff,
have to run and find their fucking swords and shields as the basically grizzly
bears start coming through the tunnel to fuck them up. How is the communication
between the bears and the bees. Um. I think the bears just for
they followed the humming of the bees. It's a it is a symbiotic relationship.
I think they thought there was honey at the other end, and then
they were like, oh, well there's no honey, but there's meat.
And so this is to kill the Romans, to drive him out of the
tunnel because the walls, the walls of the city are too big to preach.
The walls of the city are it's trying to scale the walls. So
they're going under. They're trying to go under because these are massive tunnels.
These are huge tunnels. These are like subway tunnels. And how long did
that take? A while? I mean it's a siege, like yeers aren't
no, but like a good amount of time. I guess you have nothing
but time. And then you have like forty thousand men and nothing but time.
Yes, you're going to do the things you can do with time and
people who have to do it. Yes, And like, it's not like
you're really getting that much sex, right are they? I mean they're all
with each other? Yeah, well are they? Well here's the other thing
too, Well, maybe they're banging each other, so maybe the brown bears
too. But here's the thing too, is sex on the other side of
those walls. Okay, now, by the way they would they'll stop at
nothing. Yeah, literally, pussy and fortune right on the other side of
the walls. So what's a bear and some bees and and what else?
I mean, my gosh, Well, the bears are released into the tunnel
and the Roman soldiers i mean just murdered this shit out of them, and
they won the battle and took the city, and then the bear attack didn't
work because Rome is just unstoppable. They were just like ooh punching the bees.
Yeah, and the bear shields so were the bees. They probably had
to run out and just started or like grab torches and were just smoke smoke,
smoke. Then the bears come in and you're like, oh, Jesus
Christ, I'm sure a couple guys got murked, you know, throats ripped
out, but they go in formation. The bear doesn't know what to do.
You march forward, stab, stab, stab. It's not as good
of an idea. He's as you think. But I read about the siege
the the the siege of Thimisera, and I thought, wow, I wonder
we've other used animals in other fucked up ways in warfare. Let's go and
this is the story of all the worst ways I could find that we have
used animals in warfare. I'm not talking about riding horses into battle, no,
No, like using them as weapons. Yes. Can I give an
honorable mention that you probably skipped okay, the bear that the Polish military did
skip the Polish bear, well check in World War two, they essentially tortured
that bear. Yeah, well that bear had it pretty easy compared to the
animals we're going to talk about today. Good, good, this this this
is a just list of I just wanted to make sure you weren't just kind
of mailing it in. No. No, this is a list of crimes
against nature by human being right, crimes against nature using nature? Yeah,
I mean it is just it greatious what we have done to animals in the
name of warfare. Yeah. But because here's here's the deal, though,
I'll say, off off the bat, yep. I think the first episode
is a little buzzed and then Patreon is wasted? Am I right or wrong?
Dan can tell you that is exactly my favorite episode. Now if I
could beat that one, I will be very happy. I know you.
Shots of peanut butter whiskey not my first choice, my top ten, nobody,
top thousand. By the way, people stop making peanut butter flavored.
Nobody wants liquor. By the way, you know who wants peanut butter flavored
liquor? Children? No adult, No one outside of college. It even
actually blows my mind. I don't want flavored liquor in general, just like
vodka, days like vodka, whiskey, days like whiskey tequila tequila. I
agree, I agree. I'll mix in what I want. Let me flavor
it if I want to. Yeah, I'm trying to think there's any The
only thing I'll go with on that is if you put some sort of herb
or spice in the liquor. Okay, yeah, yea, yeah, if
you drop like a hob and arrow in a tequila bottle or some sort of
like I'm into that, not basil. What are you put in, like
voga, like tyme or something like that, Yeah, like a rosemary or
yeah, yeah, I'm into that. Yes, fruit, get get out
of here. Get out of here. It just gets disgusting and makes pulp
basically in my liquor. What I want to say about animals is, I
think in these times that you're talking, hopefully they're soft core times back in
the day where like we had a healthy relationship with what animals are, and
only recently you you stop, only recently have we been like oh right,
this gets pretty recent. Really certain animals were worshiped, like cats, cats,
cows, okay to where you like they were treat treated the Egyptians would
like, how we will get into some Egyptian cat stuff today there several cat
things. Actually like using the bears and the bees to them. It was
like, yeah, these bears, these aren't people. They don't we these
are weapons. Yes, if we can use them as weapons, we do.
We're not going to like domesticate them or yeah they're not our best friend.
Well, funny you mentioned dogs. Let's start with dogs. Now,
this happened a long time ago in World War two. Oh so, living
memory, we strap some explosives to dogs and make them suicide bombers. We
literally did. Yes, by we, I do mean the Soviets. We're
talking about anti tank dogs. No, these are suicide bomber dogs that the
Russians made. Okay, so and they had bombs or explosives strapped to them.
Yeah, so the dogs uh or they would sniff out. So what
would happen is Operation Barbarossa. The German invasion of the Soviet Union in nineteen
forty one completely caught the Russians off guard. They were not prepared to fight
the Germans. They never are, they never are. There's this dog shit
country. They were not prepared to fight the Germans. So they had a
very much like we gotta throw whatever the fuck we get, just like the
Pontics in the tunnel. We gotta throw whatever the fuck we can throw at
these people. Yes, there is every all hands on deck, we got
improvise. Yeah, so this included dogs, right. The German panzer divisions,
the German tank divisions just steamrolling over the Soviet Union, I mean,
like stunningly. So. Originally the Soviets were like, okay, we'll use
dogs to help while we would do whatever, train people whatever. And they
were going to train the dogs to run up to the tanks the German tanks,
place bombs on them, and then run away to safety. Yeah,
fucking right, happy ending they were ever gonna do that like air Bud meets
Saving Private Rye. Right, it's a heroic story. And then we'd be
watching like a movie with Mark Wahlberg about the heroic dogs. Yeah today,
Yes, well that's the pr story you have to tell the public. No
kidding. They were never gonna do that, or they tried, right,
and tried, it did not It did not work. The dogs didn't even
make it out of training for that. Couldn't fucking do it. So they
were like, well, it just marked a bunch of dogs. I guess
where they could have They could have trained some you know, some kids,
peasants, children, Yeah, and I'm children were they did, I'm sure
that happened. Yeah, So they with the puppies, with the puppies suicide
bombers, is like to call them. They were like, all right,
all right, well, I guess we're just gonna have to make them little
furry bombs. So they just strapped suicide vests to them, and there was
a small lever at the top of the vest, so when the dog would
dive under the tank, the lever would hit the top of the tank,
you know, hopefully not a bush or something before that, and boom,
dog explodes under the tank, tank explodes. Hooray. We killed some Nazis
and all it cost was one to three dogs, depending on how many times
the dog got machine gunned down before it made it to the tank in the
first place. There's no video that right, not to my knowledge. I
didn't look it up. How funny, just a black and white video.
Yeah, and not funny and not funny. I didn't mean funny. I
just it's so insane it would be funny, right, Yeah, somethings are
so horrible there the dog lover right, biggest one on the podcast biguest one
on the podcast, he's all he yells at me, He's like, don't
shoot me your toe dog, Like, I'll show him like a fucking guy
getting his head sowed off. No, he literally brought one in. He's
like, I ran this dog over today. We brought it in and then
he would go to the back of his car and just be like, hey,
look at this carcass. No you didn't, did you. Well,
I had to show somebody to get off. He was traumatized. Yeah,
he wasn't. He wanted to make you an accessory I was breaking. Yeah,
he was collecting it like a trophy. Yeah. Uh. But so
the Russians were like, all right, that's what we're gonna have to do.
We're gonna have to just make them suicide bombers. Russian propaganda claimed that
these dogs destroyed three hundred German tanks this way, which if that was true,
probably means that at least twice that many dogs did, because obviously the
Germans get wise and like, oh a dog, Yeah, what what was
the dog? You know, there's a lot of places now, like last
time was in Costa Rica where it's just like, I mean stray dogs.
It was fine, Like what what I mean? Were they you know,
employing kind of a stray dog was gonna Okay, I doubt it because you
have to train them, so they were breeding them probably. You have to
imagine that these are like police dogs in situation Belgian Mala noir German shepherd.
I run it because they have plenty of strade dogs to spare, right,
I mean the Sochi Olympics they had a yeah, but they can't like them.
You can grab a feral adult dog and start training it to destroy a
tank, I imagine. So you have to have a pure bread from a
puppy, no one and loving it, right, send that one out?
Yes, okay, the goodest boys, all the boys. Yeah, so
if that's true, that means I would say two to three x that many
uh probably died on the battlefield, however the program believe it or not,
maybe maybe ten x. Yeah, like maybe three thousand dogs had to be
because like I mean, they're running into just like just metal hot metal flying
everywhere. As soon as the first tank gets blown up by a dog,
everyone gets on the radio and it's like, oh dude, they're using dogs,
so watch out for dogs. Just shoot all your dog dogs, even
if you don't, I mean, even on the street, any dog,
you know, shoot them all. Yeah, whether or not that's true,
the majority of the program did prove to be a failure. Believe it or
not. The dogs were trained on Soviet tanks in training, but Soviet tanks
ran on diesel fuel and German tanks ran on gasoline, so during deployment,
the dogs had a habit of just running towards so tanks and blowing them up
friendly fire. To that story, huh fuck you So no, the dog's
new. Oh you're going to kill myself. I'd rather take you out.
Seeing as the program backfired a bit, it was ultimately ended in nineteen ninety
six. Yep, shut the fuck uh my whole theory. You're like,
oh, let me just debunk everything that you said in the beginning, because
difference like this is like bet you know, Roman times, they don't care
about We're spanning ninety six Cuban history. Yeah, Gorbachev could take down that
wall, but he couldn't take down this program. And by the way,
I'm in the place of my life where ninety six feels like ten years ago.
Oh yeah, do you know what I mean? We're like oh,
ninety That wasn't thirty years ago. Yeah, so to me that seems very
recent, which it is. Nineteen ninety six is what twenty eight years ago?
I was five whatever? Yeah, but I memory it was, I
had memories of it. What's the most recent case that you guys will like
do oh for the show? Yeah? Dan says, we don't have a
rule. I like and have a loose twenty year rule. Okay, so
we can cover nine to eleven now and the invasion of Iraq and have you
not yet? Okaye? Like it's been done a couple of times. Yeah,
but maybe you've got a different take. You know, Helen Keller was
responsible for nine to eleven. Helen Kellor is indirectly responsible for many deaths on
nine eleven. I mean, I can't exactly right. I can't prove you
wrong, debate me, debate me. Because she was such a big fat
liar. It was just like, what else is she capable of? Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, she flew a plane. Although we just did an
episode on the Patreon about UDEI Hussein. Oh wait didn't she? Uh?
That was kind of recent Ude Hussein, but he was killed also in our
twenty year Windows two thousand and three. Yeah, so he's good. The
fine. I like that though, because it's long enough that we can like,
look, you guys can look at Yeah, what's happening now. I
don't give it time to breathe. I prefer to go deep. But it
is fun to do something from living memory. I mean, I would love
to just give a play by play. I've said this before on the show
and other places, like there's nothing more. I've never felt more American and
more dystopian in my life than when we invaded Iraq, because I was in
high school and I was homesick that that whole week, and I was just
flipping just between my country's army invading country half a world literally half a world
way. And when that got boring, I would turn on college basketball games
because it was the conference tournaments in March or whatever. So I was just
like, oh, I'm gonna check the Big Ten tournament. We're not killing
enough. Iraqis right enough today? Right? Yeah? But that's I mean,
that's what it does. That's uh, what what is this line from
this that's power you can't buy? Look at Twitter. Now we can watch
the Ukrainian War. Oh yeah, no, Now it's I get fed videos
of just drones dropping bombs on Russians. That just you though, because I
don't get that. I didn't ask, Yeah I did, you guys do
Yeah, I did ask for it. I like the footage. I think
it's interesting. It does get redundant a little kid, you know, there's
that. But there's a fund up video the other day of Ukrainian soldier on
FaceTime with the Russian, the dead Russian's girlfriend saying I killed your your boyfriend.
That's a real video. Yeah, I just shut that out him.
I that's fucked up. That's not happened. That's not good. Book of
Mormon. Turn it off like a light switch, you guys know, I
mean, listen, I know it's not interesting, but my little brain can't.
It shuts off at a certain I can get a couple of stories in
like of that, like that, and then it just shuts down. Battery
and I'm just like, that's too much. All right, let's talk about
the next. Please animal here, one of the most terrifying weapons of the
ancient world. It was another animal. Okay, but are you also going
to cover the dolphins? No, No, dolphins today too predictable. It
was us that used the dolphins. I think we have both. We both
use dolphins. We had suicide dolphins. Gosh, they're so smart. Mm
hmm, that smart, and we blew them up. Why don't they just
speak English? You know what I'm saying. At this point, we're very
close to deciphering whale language. Yeah, yeah, it's insane. Well,
the whales are kind of fighting back the York No they're not even they're just
punk kids. Yeah, No, they're fighting back. There's what I really
liked. I like, I stopped at that theory because I was just like,
that's it. No, killer whales are getting together and taking out the
rich, not only the rich, like we have videos of them, like
with little dinghies and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, literally, I'm telling you
they kind of came across Karl Marx and now they're like eat the rich.
Although, to be fair to a whale, all humans are the one percent,
right, It's so true, like we're all killing yeah uh no.
Now. One of the most terrifying weapons of the ancient world was the war
elephant annimal. When deployed properly aka not marched a crowd across a wintery mountain,
the Alps, like the alps. It's tough scene. These things could
fuck you up. If you ever played Rome Total War Rage of Empires,
war Elephant, don't want to see it. It'll fuck your ship out.
It was an easy solution to that, though, and it's a trumpet.
No, I got a better solution. And that's what we're going to talk
about. We're not talking about war elephants. We're talking about the number one
way to kill war elephants. Number one that is with or not to kill
war elephants, but to neutralize them. Should say that is war pigs.
Now we're fucking talking right, Yeah, great song. Elephants are afraid of
pigs. We'll get there. If war pigs, well, that's the thing.
So elephants, that's sort of their elephants thing is like the start of
stereotype about it. Rise I was like, Oh, it's so funny that
that's such a big thing is scared of such a small thing. But one
thing you have to remember is that elephants are hyper intelligent. We might have
just found out that elephants name each other. We know elephants give each other
funerals. Mm hmm do you know that? No, Yeah, elephants have
funerals where they like all gather around or they're do okay, they all gather
around, and do they pick up their power from them? Yeah? I
don't know, but they do have funerals. That's fucking nuts. Yeah.
They are hyper intelligent like with that kind of those like seeing those kind of
things, like an elephant being not tortured but like in captivity for some reasons
like more me than like yeah, just because I do know that they're smart
enough to be sad balancing on a beach ball. You know who else is
smart enough to know they're in captivity and stuff like that. Monkeys, Pigs,
pigs are smart, yeah, but they're delicious. Pigs are really fucking
smarty pigs. So I someone told me this one. That's when I was
at the Saint Louis Zoo, Like a zoo keeper told me. I was
looking at some it was a wild pig, but it was in a cage
at the zoo, like in a not a like bar prison cage, but
like in its little habit zoo and uh, it was just going walking in
this pattern and you could see it and worn it out and I was like,
oh, what's it's What is it doing? Is it like checking it's
uh perimeter for you know, cause it's like, oh, this is where
I live. And they're like, oh no. When pigs are in captivity
like this for a while, they just go insane. Oh god, because
they have a mind smart enough to go. They know they're alive. They
know they're alive, you know what I mean. We're like a lot of
animals are like I'm alive, I'm fine. Yeah, they know they're alive.
They're self aware. Oh geez, there you were is to become given
money. Yeah, I was like, oh, so we're looking at a
crazy pig. I think I've been to one zoo, go to zoos a
lot. Does a crazy pig make it more tasty? Is? What?
Does it make it tastier? No? Actually, uh, you know,
we typically kill them before they go crazy because all the bacon and stuff you
eat that it's a one year old pig. Yeah, young pig. Yeah.
Yeah, you don't want them like you know, they get really yeah,
you gotta get it fresh. When they become feral hogs. Oh,
hog meats apparently disgusting, like male hog meat especially, it's like full of
adrenaline and testosterone and ship like that. It's supposedly foul. Have you been
to the Austin Zoo. No, they have. It's not worth going.
My kids love it, but they have they have two like hogs. They're
like the type that Jared shoots out of a helicopter and they are foul animals
well left too long in a you know, fake environment. Yeah, I
think even if they were out in the world like they're just they don't clean
themselves and rolls, they stink. Yeah, they'll charge you. Yeah,
I'm afraid of pigs for sure. So pigs are really smart and sadly we
are talking about pigs and not. I like to think that war pig would
be a great term for like a what Marines called prostitutes in Afghanistan or something
like that. I think that's probably already in the words like it's like a
lot lizard. But it's yeah, I think they probably are. That's not
an original thought of yours. It's you don't think are a real thing at
least people we know. You know they've said that at least once, right,
But these war pigs, they were used essentially to freak out the elephants.
Like you said, they're afraid of mice. Well, the elephants get
a Elephants can be trained, and they were really effective combat tools, but
there were certain things that frightened them because they can't see them in front of
them, and the squealing like your trumpet situation, the squealing helps a lot
too. So when you release a bunch of pigs into the middle of active
combat, right, uh, these highly intelligent animals start screaming in terror.
And that noise, by the way, and that noise, yeah, I
mean oysters and that nice and that noise, I mean, get it away
from me. They launching pigs with trebuchetes, no, because you need them
alive. Yeah, but they're still a lot. It's just like freaking out
right, They like don't even know where to go. Yeah yeah, yeah,
which is scary in itself, like an animal that is freaking out and
doesn't know where to go, and we'll do whatever. Yeah, yep,
here we fucking go. So this freaks the elephants out and they turn around
and they start crushing their own troops and running away, and pretty soon all
the pigs and the elephant and the people are dead and everything works out for
the side that released the pigs. But sometimes guys a scared pig isn't enough.
A pig can't simply be afraid. Yeah, and then like beat the
side. Sometimes you have to take that pig that is self aware and knows
it's alive and is aware of its existence. Did they torture the pigs?
And you have to grease it up and light it on fire and then send
it running into the enemy ricks. You guys, it'll smell good, best
smelling dude, no kidding, Going first, crispy crack, you guys.
Everyone else smells like shit. First, it goes p First, it goes
pork rhynd. Then it goes to bacon. I mean, there's no downside.
Then it goes to pull pork. Mm hmm. There's never gonna be
a bad smell in this, No, no that, except for the dead
people. Everyone's shitting their pants as the elephants stump on their skulls. See.
Now here's another thing I love the comedy. To me, comedy is
like chaos like this. I don't care what it is like. A part
of this was funny if you just saw a snippet of what was going on,
like the cacophony of just whatever was going on. We're already you be
like, I say this several tizers. But you're already a troop in this
ancient army, and you're scared, and you're using pigs against elephants and it's
already ridiculous, right, So to have that happen and then descending in the
flaming pig, I mean, my god, it's just mass chaos. So
yeah, it's hilarious. It really is. Should be on like the office
or something, just throw one snippet of Yeah. So these pigs as they
screamed in horrifying pain, either begging to be killed or begging to be helped.
Who knows. Uh. These so this scared the shit out of the
elephants. They would nope, the fuck out of there, they would.
They would panic and start stomping on their own troops. Yeah. These were
used by Alexander the Great, by the Romans. I mean, they were
used by anyone who encountered elephants basically, uh, in fact antagonists the second
Uh when he was in a battle against someone I can't pronounce. Yeah,
douse some pigs and crude oil and resins, set them alight, drove them
towards the enemy's masked war elephants boom victory. So did it put war elephants
out of commission? No, we use them for a long time, okay,
along until like ninety eight or something like that. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, all the way up till two thousand. Yeah. Uh there was
actually a Saddam Hussein had an elephant battalion. Uh, holy fun, I'm
kidding. Oh I believe it. Yeah, that did not surprise me at
all. I was like, oh, yeah, of course, do you
imagine just one Abrams tank rolls up to a war elephant. But yeah,
do we have to do this? Yeah, like I don't know, man,
they have guns. Yeah, I did see later pictures of Uh.
I didn't include this because I didn't want to do war elephants because that's kind
of like doing cavalry, sure or whatever. But there was a picture of
from clearly from World War One, maybe World War two, of a guy
just with a Vickers machine gun mounted on an elephant, which is like,
seems like a great idea until you realize that everyone else has guns and they're
just gonna put a hundred rounds into the elephant big target. Yeah exactly.
It's the real big talk to make yourself you could be you know, yeah,
but behind something, but make yourself a huge scared Yeah, target next
step. This one's a little more fun unless you encountered it a little more
fun. Okay, Yeah, we're talking about the lion of Ramses, the
second some animals had fun in combat. Yeah, like a lion, right,
Yes, female line, Well, there's multiple lines, but the one
I'm speaking of specifically, I believe it was a male line. Ramsey's a
second of egypt Pharaoh that I believe. We talked about who beat the sea
peoples in that battle in the Nile with this crazy strategy of hey, surround
them from the top of the mountains and shoot arrows at them. Yeah,
yeah, that's weird. He beat the The sea peoples were like ancient world
vikings who like ran over everything. This was the one guy who essentially stopped
They fucked up everyone. They got to Egypt, and they fucked up Egypt
a little, and then Egypt finally stopped them. So this was this guy.
Okay, he's he's good. He's good at war. Yeah, okay,
it's common sense. Yeah, yeah, he just thinks outside the box,
and he by stopping them. The rest of the world known world at
that time basically had fallen into an economic like depression because they destroyed all the
infrastructure, but Egypt stayed relatively okay compared to that pretty good leader. Yeah,
he had a pet lion. He had actually had a lot of pet
cats. They all roamed his palace, so workplace accidents through the fucking roof.
Sure. And by the way, when I say pet cats, I
mean like big cat safari fucking cats, cheetahs, jungle lions, just roaming
the fucking halls. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think you mentioned someone having
cats unless they're like that, it's notable. Yeah. Otherwise it's like I
don't want to hear about it, right, right, unless it's something like
that. Yeah, so I had to assume a lot of uh staff,
Oh yeah, had issues. Oh yeah, anyone that needed to like clean
them or you or anything like that. We're getting killed. I thought you're
gonna be like they had staph infections that too, probably, Oh I'm sure.
I mean listen, when you have animals roaming through your house, not
dogs. I'm just saying, like, weird, like a foul you know
you're gonna get sick. That's a great comeback to your butler who's like complaining
you know, he's like, oh, your pet gave me a staff infection,
and you're just like, a you're my brain has a staph infection right
now and it's your words, get out of here. Had a staph infection
ever since I hired you. Let's say the territory you govern over, it's
going through a famine. Like, sorry, guys, got to feed my
big cats. Yeah, they come first to get me and they can only
have meat, which, by the way, protein at this point in time,
like meat, protein not easy to come that's not sorry thing to come
by. You don't get meat every day if you're average Joe Egyptian farmer.
Yeah, you're getting beans. Yeah, I don't know if you guys know
this. Can't just pop a over to the grocery store during this time.
Noll, you got goats right, Like, you know how much meat a
goat gives you? You can't just kill a goat every day. Yeah,
we eat them for other things as well. But yeah, yeah, So
Ramses named his lion slayer of his foes. Perfect. The name of the
lion straight to the point, concise, nothing cute, nothing fluffy, ready
to go, tells you what he's about, tells you exactly what he's about.
So after he beat the sea people, I think this is after the
sea people. But anyway, he the sea people the seamen, and they
were named that, that's what they're name. Now I don't know what that.
No one even knows who like the water world sitch or Yeah, they
literally anyone at the time knows. They just popped out of the ocean beauty,
like they came out of nowhere. We still don't know who their theories.
But like a Luca, it's so bad. I hate I'm about to
fucking walk off this podcaster. Are you're fucking kidding? You? Like Luca
the Picks our film? Luca? Yes? What do you not like?
So mid it's just boring. And by the way, the funniest part about
it is it takes place in what like nineteen fifties Italy. All fascists,
all those people were fighting with the Germans in World War Two. Yeah,
but they kind of made it seem that way, did they. Yeah,
they were like, if you're not this type of person, if you're different
at all, we're literally going to kill you with pitchforks. Okay, I
think they had that vibe. I got the By the way, my bob
just kind of checks out on movies. My theory is not really into it.
For five minutes. They made the dad in that movie, the Human
Dad, where Luca goes to Yeah, they made him handicapped from birth so
that he you could plausibly say he did not fight in the Italian Army with
the Nazis, to just kind of loophole that. No, he lost it
in like he didn't sea creature. He said. I thought he was born
with it, or he like lost it too early in life to a fad
World War two. I thought he was born withough. Though. Here's what
I just learned about. How you watch Luca. You're on your phone scrolling
with a whiskey, and you're not actually watching it. You're like, go
ahead, kids, watch a Luca. I'm telling you, Oh, I
can't believe that that's the movie you're riding for right now. Hard. I
would have never guessed. I would have never guessed. I have no opinion.
Really, you're gonna have to go watch a Luca even all right,
I'll continue. I may not do the Patreon Okay, fair enough, just
kidding. You need to rewat are you? I didn't like it? I
really didn't like it. I thought it was one. Okay, then what's
your favorite that you have to watch? And you were like, oh shit,
like you know, we have to watch all these Just enough people have
seen this MOVIECA has a very low tier Pixar film in terms of just like
maybe your audience, maybe maybe your audience right has not seen it in general.
I'm sorry. I thought he was gonna say yeah and we would have
moved on Delco. I'm sorry right now we're not moving on. This is
crazy. Why what's your favorite Pixar? Favorite Pixar? I mean, like,
either you had to watch I mean, Luke Lucas just pulled out of
your ass. I feel like I'm so random. I never gat so.
I like Twenty Story three, but I end the movie where they're kind of
like slowly holding hands. Yeah yeah, that's where you cut the black Yeah,
and you you fucking fascist? Uh? I mean, like favorite favorite
is probably a cry during Luca Really ride at the end, Are you kidding
me? Go ahead? I was like I was like, okay, I
guess he won the race or whatever. Oh, and then he goes he
goes to college and the kid gives him the VESTPA and he stays and work.
You didn't fucking see it. That's why you don't like it. You
didn't fucking see it. You didn't really see it. Drank a lot.
You saw whiskey eyes. Oh my god. So favorite all time is probably
Wally or fine Nemo. But if I go last ten years, because I'm
talking on Wally, third dear, I know, third, third generationem Uh,
Coco for sure. I was gonna say, I guess more modern Coco.
Yeah, Coco. Coco's you know what else is good in Kanto is
actually great? And Kanto's the fucking ship. All right, Sorry, don't
You're gonna have to go watch Luca and then come back and tell me and
tell me it fucking sucked. I guess. I guess. I don't have
that harsh of opinions on TV and movies like Rob Delco. I don't Delco.
Okay now he's lying, go ahead? Uh? Anyway, So at
the Battle of Kadesh, Ramsey's the second fighting with the hit tights. Uh.
This is actually portrayed in the film Exodus, Gods and Kings with Christian
Bale when he's Moses, yes yes, uh. So he brings some of
his lions, including slayer of his foes. This was not in the movie.
Sadly, that movie would have fucking crushed. How do they that out
of the movie. I don't know, Like, really, Scott, what
are you doing anyway? History? That thing allegedly went off in battle.
I mean, was just free to do lion stuff to anyone he wanted to
do and could do it right, Yeah, and did it. It's not
like the lion knows who's on his side. He just he killed as far
as I could find hit tights, not Egyptians, and he kills one or
two Egyptian peasants whatever. Yeah. Oh and by the way, so this
is the funniest part to me is can you imagine, like this is what
I was talking about. You're in battle with the hit you're a hit tight,
You're just a farmer. You miss your children. The king comes makes
you pick up a spear and a shield. It's like, you're gonna come
fight for me against these people a million for all you know, a million
miles away. You go into battle. You're even doing okay, like you're
still alive. It's halfway through the battle. But I got this and a
lion just pops out and rips your fucking throat out. Shit, I don't
got this. What do you mean? It's a lion surprised theotic pet of
a man who basically looked at you like you're a bug. Yeah. Maybe
at some point you've never even encountered a lion. You probably yeah, you
probably don't even know what it is, and a lot of people don't know.
Like seeing a lion up close, you know, we see him on
Discovery and you just kind of go, Okay, I mean see I could
right when you're right next to them. It's it's an impressive it's insane than
a tiger. Tigers are scared. Tigers are bigger, bigger, meaner.
Yeah, jaguars. I mean. The other thing you remember too, is
I mean, obviously this is ancient times, so they probably maybe had more
contact with with nature than we do now. But if you go back to
like for example, uh, it used to be an impressive thing. If
what does the museum called? It's like the Museum of National History something in
New York. I went there last time in New York, my wife.
It's amazing. It's amazing. But you go through the animal part and it's
just all these stuffed animals. You remember a lot of this is like kind
of pre zoo. Yeah, and so people see a stuffed lion and that's
impressive to them. In eighteen ninety three, this is like pre taxidermy,
right, modern, But like to me, I'm like, I've seen these
up close at zoos. Yeah, I don't A stuffed lion who gives a
fuck? Yeah, that doesn't do it for you. But so but that
as that is a modern thing, you know what I mean, Like people
in the past. You see a lion once in your life, yeah,
yeah, so they're not like a you know, accustomed to it in any
way, and it's rolling up on you. I've seen you don't even know
what's happening. I've been five feet away from a lion like five times this
year at the at the Yeah, right, like it's that's that's not normal
historically, that is not even close to normal. And by the way,
Rob, that's not even normal normal. That's a fucking lot, dude.
Yeah, my kids like the zoo, I will say a lot. I
think the Astecs probably could have won their war with the Spaniards if they had
kind of war jaguars, oh okay, because they're like stealthier Now that's a
scary motherfucker too. Actually, I was gonna mention the Aztecs in our next
one. It's not about the Aztecs, but I there's a parallel to that.
So next step, we're getting back into the great human tradition of lighting
animals on fire and using them as weapons. Now we have fire oxen.
That's like, now he's pissed, he's running on fire, right pretty much?
Okay? So in two seventy nine BC, in the Warring States period
in China, a Chinese general from the Key Qiu by the name of Tean
Dan. Sure sure could be one of your guys, decided to turn the
tide. We're related, Yeah, why not? Like? Okay, all
right? Anything Dan in the name. His forces were losing in the war,
not a battle, but in like the war, so he decided to
turn the tide for his forces by lighting a bunch of oxen on fire,
specifically as sacrifice, no as a weapon. As a weapon, dude,
which great idea. Now I'm like on these guys side, Yeah, I
go, great fucking idea. Can you imagine someone breaks into your house you
let your dog on fire? That I'm a fucking genius leaving the house.
So the bulls are gonna be pissed off. They're gonna so run head first
at the whatever direction they're looking at. Really, yeah, pretty much.
So tian Dan collected more than one thousand oxen from the people in the city.
Uh. He had them dressed with red silk and multi colored linens,
and he made him look like dragons. He essentially dressed him up like dragons
before he let him on fire. Yes, I like this guy, do
you know what I mean? And now I'm now I'm fucking in it,
you know. So then he put it basically took you know, they got
horns. Ox don't have huge horns with the deal horns. So what tian
Dan did is he put big fucking knives on their horns, put blades on
their horns, and he attached reeds dipped in grease. Uh, tied those
to his to their tails, so they're dressed up like dragons. Then it's
with the red knives on their horns that extend out further. So when they're
freaking out yep, yep, So he lights, the oxen are released,
their tails are lit on fire. Five thousand men follow them. The oxen
are sent at the enemy army and they charge right into the camp in the
middle of the night. Everyone wakes up thinks they've got dragons running at them.
They get up, the Oxen hit the camp starts stabbing the fuck out
of everyone there. This is another funny one. I mean, if you
just saw a snippet of this, Oh my god, tails are on fire.
They're pissed off, they're afraid. They run into the other camp.
People get out oxen a huge by the way. Their heads are thrashing left
and right. They've got knives on their heads and there's five thousand troops immediately
following them to mop up Whatever's like, people are you know what I mean?
Yeah, almost dead or freaking out or whatever. Yeah. And the
people they charged by the way, they thought they were dragons. They were
like, oh my fucking god, because to your point, you know,
you don't there's no zoo. There's no Austin zoo, you know what I
mean, You're not encountering and you think dragons are real. It's also dark.
It's dark, so dark. You were sleeping, you're woken up.
You drank some sweat in the night before, you wake up. In the
mill of Nite one thousand screaming, flaming ox with knives on their head are
running straight at you, but you think they're dragons. I love it.
They stampede through everything, by the way, a stampede alone. Yeah,
they didn't have to do anything. They could have just run through there and
killed a bunch of people. This is fucking brilliant. It's a really great
idea. Dan eventually claimed about seventy Chinese cities in the in his war from
the conquering people he was fighting or whatever. Huge huge dub, huge dub.
Now is this before there are like explosives and guns, Yes, this
is it is so that is when war was fun. Yeah. Yeah,
you had to craft ancient China. Ancient China, you had to be fucking
crafty. Yeah, best to ever do it. I would say this is
one of the goats. I mean, this is rated guy. It's like
a football coach from the forties in college that you never heard of, who
like invented some offense, some amazing offense. Yeah, I mean this guy
just yeah, the goat of using goats and stuff kinda yeah. Next step
that what I like to call. All right, let's we're going to stay
in China as we've established there is nothing more effective in warfare than torturing a
very smart animal. Yes, and by the way, listen, I'm in
now what else are you going to do? Why China's putting up numbers,
but what else are you going to? Like all these ancient wars, like,
casualty is not that big usually, but in China, for some reason,
it's always like, oh, millions of people died every like. So
like you as Americans, we grow up and we're like this, there was
no conflict blood than the Civil War. But in China, like an emperor
sneezes and eight hundred thousand people die. They see what we do and they
go, let's make it fucking crazier. That's better, sweethearts, and be
smarter about it. And that's to this day. But there are smaller people
too, so you can fit more of a China stacks bodies. Yes,
like nobody's business. Yes, So again, what's more effective and warm than
torturing a smart animal? And what is smarter than a monkey? Okay,
now here we go, Yeah, Planet of the Apes, because if you
train those motherfuckers enough, they get straight up hold a gun. I mean
not right now, but right it's like in that one Planet of the Apes
where the eight picks up the gun and it's just like yep, just shoots
it a little bit. So we're gonna talk about monkey bombs, which is
sadly not a shot of Banana Liqueur and red Bull unfortunately, which was awful
but should be banana licur. I mean you could get it down. How
are you mixing it with red Bull because it's a bomb. Yeah, you
gotta bomb it down something. It's not gonna be Guinness? Is it banana
flavored Guinness? Actually, banana Guinness might go okay to gain it would be
like a chocolate banana. Put a little bit of your peanut butter in there.
Yeah, that's not bad guy? Yes, what are we calling it?
Who's this guy? Who? This was during the song Dynasty is an
army led by Zaluu So the value bomb dude? Yeah? Uh, real
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order. Monkeys were used as incendiary devices bombs. The monkeys were clothed in
straw that was dipped in oil. Then they were set on fire and just
set loose into the enemy camp. Hundreds of monkeys lit on fire, set
loose in an enemy camp I don't even know that that did anything. Oh,
that's what I mean, Like, they're not gonna they're not at that
point. I think you're just scaring the shit out of your enemy. At
that point. Yeah, you're sitting in a scene, right, You're sitting
there showing them. You're letting them know like I'm crazy. Yeah, yeah,
you don't know what I'm gonna do next because I just did that,
so stop right now. Like, imagine if the ATF is like trying to
uh whatever, like they're they're besieging a compound like Waco, Waco or something,
sure, and the guy's like, all right, I'm gonna show them
what it's gonna cost if they come in here. And then he just like
goes into an open window and starts skinning a live cat. Yeah, they
would have been like, oh fuck, dude, get more people, or
he lights the cat on fire and throws it. Do you know what I
mean? Right then they'd be like, holy shit, don't have to back
up. Let's get out of here. You don't get more people, we
don't know, not just one cat, thousands right there? You go now
and again, can you imagine you wake up in the middle of the night
and there are just monkeys on fire and they're dressed in clothes, which means
like they can't do you know what I mean, Like they're list on Yeah.
Yeah, so that's gonna go up for a long time before it even
gets to the skin. So these things are on fire for twenty minutes.
It's a citronella, I guess. Yeah, you can't put it out.
Yeah, that that's all I had the only information I had on that one.
But I just thought it was funny to light monkeys on fire and send
them in an enemy case and also dress them in little hay tuxedos like that
was a funny image as well. Let people know what you're capable of.
Yeah, and you may not have anything else in the arsenal right, but
I just think the monkeys could be more useful than setting them on fire.
Like you train the little monkey to go steal stuff, steal weapons, steal
their weapons, and just like run away steal intel. But what I'm what
I'm hearing of this time is like weapons are not the thing that we're lacking.
It's it's proximity to the enemy, right, Yeah, but you train
like a little ninja monkey to take out their commander. Maybe it's hard than
you think. I think you really just want to scare the ship out of
like there, everyone's already antsy. This is this is before get My guess
is most of the army is at best semi professional. These are not professional
troops, right, These are conscripted people. When you're talking about like a
like an Afghan or Iraq where it's a long game. They're training the monkey
for five years. They don't have this time, do you know what I
mean? They're like they need to come up. It sounds like they're kind
of lazy, like all right, yeah, I mean, I guess make
them a vest I don't. I don't know. I mean, fair enough.
I agree with you that it would be actually really useful to let loose
like one hundred monkies into the camp. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that
is By the way, my favorite have you ever seen Will Ferrell's a Night
Out with George W. Bush or whatever on HBO from like way back in
the day. No, highly recommend watching it for the monkey part alone.
Okay, because it's about monkeys train for war. Okay, I would if
you if anyone listening to this show I've not seen it, go watch it.
Watch it. It already finished tires, right, there's nothing to watch.
Shut up, next step. I I just titled this part sounds racist,
is true? Great troops in Afghanistan, like our troops in Afghanistan were
warned of potential attacks from Kamakazi camels strapped with explosives as recent as I don't
know if it ever happened when we were there, but in the eighties Bin
Laden and afghanistans Muja Hadeen did in fact put bombs on camels and just send
them up to a group of Soviet soldiers and clack off that camel that I
can get behind. It's a camel place. Have you heard the man?
There's one video I was trying to find for Nature Nook one day, camel
stuff. It has stuck with me. Is so gnarly. I would have
to go find it again if it was one thing we ever wanted to show.
But it is so. I guess there are some countries where they eat
camel meat. Okay, it doesn't surprise me, and that's fine, yeah
I don't. It might be good meat. I've eaten kangaroo. The camels
kind of deserve it because they were used as a propaganda tool to the like
kids smoke. True, I was Camel's with my brand. Hell yeah,
dude, me too, all day camels. I'll do parliament. If I
have Parliament's fine, I go camel light one hundred percent Parliament's fine. And
then there's one I did not like, Marblo lights. No, No,
I hated those. Do you ever do the camel baseball bats? The ninety
nines, the hundreds, they weren't hundreds, they were ninety nine's. Remember
those. No, where there were like there were sometimes where I would it
was like in a small town or something, and I'd have to go in.
All they would have is like a soft pack hundreds camel lights, And
I'm just like, what the fuck, dude. You guys don't see hundreds
that much anymore. Huh No, remember that an old lady cigarette. We
would like want it to last forever. God, it's like the length of
a cigar. It's not good. You're never really, I mean, if
you're smoking that whole thing and chain smoking it, I mean, hats off.
Oh yeah night, so oh you're not alive anymore? So yeah yeah,
so oh. This video though, it's like it's some slaughterhouse, and
I guess it's in the Middle East for sure. And this guy what they
what they do is you go up to a camel split's throat, right,
So this guy just slits his camel's throat, but the camel freaks out obviously
because it just had its throat slit, and he bumps into the guy and
the guy slips on blood from that was there from the other camels, falls
on the ground and the camel curb stops him to death as the camel bleed,
and then the camel falls down bleeds out. And we didn't show that
on our daytime current Event show. We did not. But that I can't,
I can't right now, like I can see it, Dan, Have
you seen that? Has he shown it? No? Are you? Are
you gonna want? Didn't put that evil on anyone else? God, that's
fucking awful. But also it was gnarly music theatreon go oh God, there
you go, get some people on the patreo. So so yeah, that
was a legit thing though that the Musja Hadeen did to the Soviets in the
eighties. They would just strap explosives to camels and walk them into a bunch
of Soviets bam. Also, though camels were used during the invasion of India
by the Turks in thirteen ninety eight by the by timor Uh he was the
Turkish rule at the time. He loaded his camels, which is with as
much hay and wood as they could carry, and then set them on fire
and sent them screaming into the Indians war elephants. He's sitting out on fire.
Maybe not as smart as we thought. Yeah, you've got to have
an agent that's gonna keep them on fire too, Yes, but it's also
just hard to do. It seems to be a common play. Yeah,
like what we see you, We see you coming the third time we've mentioned
it. Light it on fire, center of the elephants. There's no So
now is it just camel elephant war or we Actually that was the extra thing
with the camels. I was more interested in the fact that that that like
O Solomon Lauden, he's come so far right, Like he's like, yeah,
Fast and the Furious One. They're stealing DVDs Fast ten, they're in
space yep, right. Bin Lodden in the eighties putting dynamite up a camel's
asshole been Lodden in two thousand and one taking down the World Trade Center.
Yeah, the escalation and starts small. Sure, build your way up,
you learn, do you know what I mean? Trial and error, grind
you grind, see what works? Yeah, never quit And Rob commends Osama
bin Laden for that. Just because you don't like them doesn't mean you can't
acknowledge a dub or how far he came or how far again, the same
as him loving Kevin Spacey. Yeah, do you know what I mean?
It's like I don't like him as a person, but I don't like what
he did, but you gotta respect him. The resume is the resume.
Sorry, yeah, I mean do we have those under our belt? No?
No, I haven't done in half of what I saw m in a
lot and it's done right. Uh. Last, but not least, we
have Operation Acoustic Kitty. Acoustic Kitty. This is not electric Kitty. Acoustic
Kitty. This is a CIA program. Brittle be shocked. It was a
project launched by the CIA in the sixties. He intended to use cats to
spy on the Soviets and their embassies. Can we say something about the CIA
in the sixties, I mean, they will love fucking off their rocker.
It's funny because n hinged. They were giving people LSD without them knowing,
but it feels like they were doing LSD themselves. Things they were coming up
with, like they were so whacked out on whatever drugs. Oh my god.
It was like a pharmacist that was doing the fucking kills. I would
kill to be in that rider's room. It was like a police officer,
you can't use the taser unless you get tased yourself, and so they must
have, right, And it was in the sixties, and it was just
like it's cool man, right, Like it was so okay and normalized that
it was like smoking a cigarette. You're like, we're gonna do some LSD
and like hang out, right. Yeah, So of course they did at
some point. They did everything, but they were fucking out of their mind.
They the CIA in the sixties essentially like I'll try anything once. Let's
just like see what we I mean. They were going back to like lighting
pigs on fire, you know what I mean. They were like, let's
just like do whatever we can. Yeah, because they have traditional ship guardrails
now, but it was just limitless then in the sixties. Oh yeah,
nobody but nobody watched watch it. Whatever you want to say about the CIA
now and you know, like oh the kids, the Patriot Act and terrorists
and and China, like peak sixties when kids were ducking and covering like it
was a tornado grill drill for nukes and shit like that. Yeah, everyone
in America was like, do whatever you need to do. They killed us.
Sit in president, like, test it on our people, you know,
the lower levels. Test it on them. See if it's fucking good
enough to make you jump out windows and stuff, then send it over there,
put it in the water. I mean, I don't know what they
were. It was real cool though, I mean it was a real cool
time. Would kill to be in that writer's room when they were like coming
up with it and then no one could say, like no, right,
Like the directors they're like, okay, no bad ideas, All right,
let's try it. So this idea, in particular, how would cats spy
on embassies? Well, what you would do is you would take a cat
and give it an hour long surgery in which you put a microphone in its
ear canal and a small radio transmitter at the base of its skull, and
then put a wire through its fur so that it would go into the embassy
because I guess Russians just love cats. You get to bug the cat,
We love get petting the Cat's where that comes from, that trope of like
evil dude petting the cat, James Bond villain. So they're like, yeah,
dude, Russians will obviously take in a fucking cat, or they're just
gonna be like, oh whatever, you know what I mean, it's a
cat in here, don't bother. Yeah. The first acoustic kitty mission was
to eavesdrop on two men in a park outside the Soviet Embassy in Washington,
d C. Soviets. Uh, we're hanging out in the park. Just
wanted to see if you can hear them. Whatever. It's a shame we
never got to use the cats on Thalin. I know he was already dead
by then. So the cat was released nearby, and I guess they were
going to coax it over to the park. And as they began to coax
it over to the park, Uh, it was hit by a taxi and
killed immediately. Yes, they couldn't have written that better, right, some
hour surgery do it again? Yeah? Yeah, no, bigs, I
mean this was literally literally they found out what it was like to try and
Herd cats. Yeah, they were like, okay, gool you know what
I mean. They're like, fuck you, we don't. We never go
where you tell us to ever go. Talk to the monkey. If you
want someone to fucking go where you tell them to go, please. The
project was ultimately canceled in nineteen sixty seven after this little hiccup. Yeah,
I know, I think they tried again. They tried multiple times, but
this was the only note the cats yearned for the wheel. Yeah. Yeah,
A former CIA officer said, Project Acoustic Kitty cost in the sixties about
twenty million, which today would be about one hundred and ninety one million,
But so much money, and we wonder, huh for putting a little microphone
in a cat? And again, the unhingedness of it is they had endless,
clearly, endless fun to be like, look, we we can do
this. They're like, how are we gonna listen? I got it anything,
don't worry that. And that's the part of being an American where I'm
like, where you know a lot of people you believe what we waste this
money on, And I'm like, I don't think we're like, we're not
Latto winners. So it almost just makes me feel like rad that we can
even just waste that much money, Oh for sure, like itself. Yeah,
it's a flex in itself. It's just try. And we spent twenty
million to put a microphone in a cat that got fucking run over. I
mean that's a flex right immediately, just and we were fine with it.
We tried again a couple times and then we just like, I guess we'll
figure something else out. Yeah, we just gave people LSD without him knowing,
you know what I mean, among other things, among other things,
you guys have done all that right too recent What any one of the lake
Wormwood or the he did well, the UTI bomber who was a part of
that Jake Okay, of course that's Jake's hero. That's fair zero. I
mean manifesto makes take his months away from a manifesto. Yeah, oh yeah,
well he's taken the first step. We've done some fruit wars that the
CIA definitely had a hand in revolutions in Central and South America. Sure,
you can't know to eat try, It's so true, and I commend them
for being brave enough to try. And again they killed Kennedy, who did
the CIA. Wow, I'm offended as a Catholic, but sympathetic as an
American, right right, yeah, I swear to do you mean the mob?
No? C I oh okay, yeah, Well a little babe who
knows little a using by to get to see what did you guys learn today?
Listen? I learned she used to be fucking rad, as I always
learned. Yeah, as I always learn on this show. She just used
to be fucking more rad, you know, less less guardrails on people.
Right, it makes it more fun. You could put knives on a horn
and a you know, light something on fire. Yeah, anything on fire.
No, there's no peda around here, you know what I mean.
Now, it's like you could never I learned that if you train a dog
around a certain scent, it's the enemy scent. That's your big takeaway.
Big takeaway is if you train a dog, he's gonna do what you trained
him to do. Yeah, yeah, but you have to actually take the
time to train. And I think you also learned like most of them are
just lazy. A lot of oversight, a lot of oversight, a lot
of just throwing noodles at the wall, you know, seeing what sticks.
Who's today's hitler? Human beings, probably human beans, and I forget by
today's Hitler. Do you mean like the best to ever do it? No,
you can take it that way, Yeah, yeah, if you want.
I mean it's ever. But can you deny that Hitler's a different Yes,
I can't. Actually I don't even think he's the goat. The Hitler's
like kind of like I make that argument with Jim Jones, right, yeah,
where it's like he's just bringing the most prolific to ever do. Hitler's
like Kobe. Okay, so who's the Kobe of the stories that we were
saying. You know, he's like good, but he's overrated. Yeah.
Yeah, Like if you actually look at the numbers all time great is but
people act like the name really kind of puts him over the top. Yeah,
people act like he's top five, and there's so many just people in
China that put up way better numbers. I mean not even dud I get
that analogy, right, Yeah, well, your husband loves Kobe, you
should, right, But then when you actually make the argument, there's just
like, look, it's the the shots look splashy fucking fun, But if
you look at the numbers of the game he did in the modern years and
whatever. Yeah, you end up being like, we don't want you don't
want to admit. So with Hitler, it's like you see the kids going
into the fucking chamber. It's like, my god. Even at the time
too, Stalin had to head. Oh for sure, Stalin had more years.
So Stalin was more of us. What do you call it? An
accumulator? So are you saying, then, who's the Hitler the most overrated?
Who's the bad guy of today? The bad guy? Because that's our
joke is that it's like a terrible history and they always refer to something as
Hitler, always Hitler. The antagonist is Hitler. Immediately, right, you're
just like Hitler. Okay, So who's the bad guy? I would say
the bees, right, you're Hitler. The bees are my hit Well,
oysters, oysters and generally oysters in general. And I don't think you guys
giving the world more oysters. I mean, I didn't say it. You
guys said it, and you can clip that and send it to him because
you guys said it and I did it. But yeah, I would say,
yeah, for sure. But also the the knives on the horns,
and that's rad I know, rags. Yeah, the dragon bulls. Now,
had you coupled the sixties, c I A given those people like,
dosed them hard with LSD, then send in the dragons on fire. I
mean they would have just killed themselves. I mean, I think if you
want to couple the of stuff together, you put the monkeys on top of
the dragons, yes, and then the dragons the ox dragons eventually ignite the
monkeys as they get to the camp, and then the screaming monkeys who towards
off the oxen as they're peaking. Right, so we've given them the LSD
at the perfect time as they're peaking, We're gonna send these fucking things in
monkey leaps at you. You don't even need to hurt anybody at that point.
They're all just gonna be grabbing knives and killing themselves. Okay, fun
one. Well, that is all I've got for dan Or Jester and Jesse
Wiseman. I'm Rob Fox. You just got Sauser