Hi everyone, and welcome back to their podcast episode. My name is Alsha
Gogin, the host of the Globe Secrets podcast, where I help you expand
your mind and become more self aware so that you can glow up into the
best version of yourself. Hello, Happy Monday and happy June. I literally
can't believe that we are already in June. Like what, That's so wild
to me. Anyways, we are here for June weather. We are here
for summer vibes. Now, this episode was supposed to technically be my off
topic recap episode, but I felt like I didn't really have much to say,
so We're gonna kind of skip that. Maybe I'll do it mid June.
If anything, I'll do at the end of June. But I really
wanted to have a friendship episode. I feel like friendships are a very big
theme in my life right now, probably because I have been thriving more in
my life, so I'm getting out of my shell more, I'm going outside,
I'm connecting with friends. It's like summer at this point, so naturally
we usually see more friends. And of course I am seeing a lot of
questions from you guys in regards to friendships and I feel like I haven't made
an episode about friendships in a while, so I feel like I have some
pretty good, updated answers to a lot of your guys's questions. So I
asked you guys on the podcast Instagram what questions you had about friendships, and
you guys asked a lot. So I'm going to go down this list and
is probably going to be a long list, but it's going to be a
really good episode. We're gonna be talking about traits that I look for in
female friendships. I want to give you guys advice on feeling left out and
making new friends even in your twenties. So much stuff. There's gonna be
time stamps. But I do think that this is I mean, at the
end of the day, it's my advice and my experience, and everyone is
different. But I think that some of these questions you guys asked are really
good questions, and honestly, I think a lot of people can relate.
And I think I was probably a pretty late bloomer when it came to friendships
in my life, and I feel like I've had a pretty unique experience experience
story, and I think that a lot of you guys are kind of like
me in many aspects. So I feel like you guys will resonate with the
advice that I'm going to give. Okay, so let's get into it.
First question, somebody had asked top five qualities slash traits or like things that
you look for in female friendships. So I think there's no blanket, like
on paper list of things that every single person is supposed to look for because
we're all so different. So I am very unique the same way you are.
So I look for traits and qualities in people that really align with who
I am as a person and what works for me. So I'll explain to
you kind of how I am, especially when it comes to friendships, and
this is what I look for in female friendships as well, because that allows
us to be in alignment essentially. So I am very very hyper independent.
I've been like that for a long time in my life, and so I
don't really do well with friendships where they need to be like attached to my
hip all the time. It just doesn't It's not even to say that if
you're looking for somebody who is always available and always showing up and like talking
to you every single day all the time, mind you, I do have
some friends who are like that, but for the most part, I am
looking for friends who have things going for them, who are busy, who
are on their grind, who are very independent. I feel like I vibe
like the best friendships that I have in my life, and the ones that
I see work so well are ones where they are very independent and they have
goals and they have a job and they have many things going for them and
they've been working on themselves and everything like that. It just works because I
kind of retreat back to my own life and so do they. And I
feel like I've had many relationships or friendships. Sorry I should say, if
I say relationships, you know what I mean. And you know my life
where we weren't really on that same page. There was a lot of female
friendships where they kind of wanted to be attached to the hip and always talking
and like, you know, getting advice on every single little thing, and
I just don't. I just don't really have the time for that in my
life. And yeah, so that's something that I really look for, is
like very dependent sorry sorry, not dependent. Independent. I also look for
women in my life and like all my friends really have this quality of just
being very real and honest. I am somebody who's very blunt and says it
like it is even off of the p I just feel like I'm also somebody
who, like I call myself out and I'm very self aware, So I
look for those traits and qualities in somebody else. I also like to find
women who do care about their like health and wellness and self care, which
kind of goes along with being on your shit in your grind because usually you
kind of do if you're working and stuff. And it's not to say that
these these women need to have the same lifestyle as me or like care about
going to gym and this that, like, I have many friends who do
different things. It's not even really my concern. But if I can tell
that this girl really cares about herself and like pours into herself, that's really
like a green flag for me I personally. And I'm not going to get
too much into this because I actually think it doesn't matter too much really,
But I'm just saying this because I tend to align to people who have the
same views. But I also do have friends who do not, and I
and I mesh really well with them. I have very like democratic moving into
conservative values when it comes to like political issues and world issues. And I'm
not like super conservative. I'm very much so liberal in a lot of ways.
I think that I do a pretty good job at that, even like
kind of showing you guys that, if you guys were even to think about
it on the podcast, Like I'm very I think naturally, like when you
learn to accept and love yourself, I think you kind of fall away from
being a very like strict one way on a political spectrum type of thing.
Not like I spend a lot of time talking about politics in my friendships,
but I do find the closest people to me they do have that more democratic
ish moving into the conservative type of standpoint, and it's just very apparent.
And I think that's kind of pretty normal with people who are like hyper independent,
who are on their shit very very just like kind of like to themselves,
I find, And again it's not really that important. Another thing that
I look for, and this is very key, okay, is friends who
are confident and who are not self critical and know how to speak to themselves
in a kind way. Now, my friends are not perfect, and I
do not expect them to be and I'm not even perfect, but I have
found over my life what works in friendships for me is being friends with people
who love themselves, who back themselves, who are confident. And there's for
many reasons. I feel like, for one, if I'm constantly around people
who are not confident and nitpicking everything and judging themselves all the time and criticizing
themselves, it actually affects the way I look at myself, which I don't
like. Okay, it's the same thing as if you constantly are nitpicking yourself
in front of your young child, your young child is going to start to
like nitpick at herself. Like literally that will happen. So I've caught myself
sometimes just being like oh shit, like maybe do I need to get this
done? Or like do I need to So I don't like any of that.
And again, my friends are not perfect, and I don't like I
can kind of be around people who are still insecure and it's fine because I
get it and like it's not that deep. But I do find a majority
of my closest friends they don't have that inner dialogue, and even if they
do, they're not like constantly speaking it out constantly like complaining all the time,
and like, I just don't like that. It just again it kind
of actually affects me, but also it just shows me that there's obviously like
a lot of work to do, and it's very very exhausting because I don't
speak to myself in that way naturally, especially as being somebody who is yes,
high achieving and very on her shit and you know, have worked on
herself from a very young age and self love and all this kind of stuff.
Naturally, I'm gonna want to be that a vice friend and be that
person that's like no, like, don't think about yourself like that, like
you look amazing and is that. But it can be very exhausting. And
I'm sure some of you guys know exactly what I mean being the advice friend.
And I think that I have told myself this maybe probably it's funny because
I just don't really have friends like that anymore that I need to do that,
But I kind of told myself maybe like a year ago, it was
like I am so really done with being that advice friend. I'm obviously going
to be there for my friends and things like that, but I'm so just
exhausted from trying to convince people to see their own worth, like you can
only really do so much, and it really is exhausting sometimes, and it's
just not the hill that I'm trying to die on, like honestly, like
this is why I'm saying it. I have been very self motivated, and
when I'm insecure, when I feel like there's a problem in my life,
I go and seek that help. I go ask questions. I go on
YouTube and I type in what I need to learn, and I listen to
podcasts and I journal all the time, and I save up my money and
I go get the help that I need, and I google things, I
search, I ask, and I just don't really love the idea of always
being that advice friend and always trying to like help somebody who's not willing to
do it themselves, Like they're not really self motivated to like go get that
help. It's just kind of like I'm there and I'm just giving them that
advice because what I tend to find with those type of people is they don't
really change. And I feel like the people who actually change a lot of
the times, they don't. They don't seek so much advice and so much
validation from people because they kind of just like go and get it themselves.
And again, everyone is kind of different. So I make sure that a
lot of my friends are confident because I think that it's really impacted the way
that I've looked at myself. And I will say, like my best friend,
my closest friend, who's like literally my ride or die, she will
be at my wedding. I will be at hers. It is at this
point, there's no breaking us apart. They're just not She is the most
confident person that I have ever met in terms of like her self concept.
I have never seen anyone have a concept sorry self concept like her. And
she's even and it's sorry. The reason why I'm saying that is because it's
rubbed off on me as well, Like she's just a reminder to me to
just continue to stand in my own worth. And yeah, I just think
that that's a really good quality to have because obviously, like when you spend
a lot of time around women, essentially, I mean I don't really have
guy friends. I'm not really like that type of person. I don't think
it's a bad thing if you have guy friends. I just never really have
been like that. But I think that when you're especially around women. It
is very important that the friends that you're around they have a good self concept
and they look at themselves well. And even if they're working on things,
and even if it's you know, there's there's down times in their lives or
they're not feeling confident, it's fine for them to be like inventing and this
that. But I look for people who can still take that accountability and still
bring themselves back to reality of the truth of who they are, and like
really go and seek out that help and not just constantly be relying on a
friend like me to constantly validate them, because I just find that that doesn't
really help, and it actually doesn't really help too much because at the end
of the day, when it comes to validation, you got to stop looking
outside of yourself. If you keep doing that and keep waiting for people to
validate you, whether it's your friends, your best friends, or even your
man relationships, it does not matter. You have to get to a point
where you have to decide that you are good enough, that you are worthy,
that you were X, y, and Z. And I find that
people who are constantly like needing that validation from best friends or whatever, they
never really learn how to valuate themselves. So I actually just think that it's
actually not that helpful to always be that person because I find that they don't
actually end up learning how to valiate themselves because I'm always doing the validating,
you know. So that's kind of what I look for in friendships. Also,
actually another thing I talk a lot about this with my friend, my
best friend Joey. But women, I'm just gonna say women, because again
it's female friendships for me. Women who do not play the victim is huge
for me because I have been somebody from very very young that I literally wasn't
allowed to really play the victim card in many ways. And this can be
whether it's with men or body image or and I'm being sensitive when I'm saying
that because I have been there. And also it's fine if you feel like
the victim in some of these aspects, like, yeah, some guys can
be shit, Yeah your body might not be looking the way you want it
to look like. I get that. But in general, like even when
it comes to opportunities and stuff like, I look for people who are optimistic,
who are like things are working out for me. I'm growing, I'm
learning even when things aren't working out. It's like, Okay, what lesson
can I learn? Versus people who are constantly complaining and nothing good ever works
out for me? It doesn't matter like everyone hates me. I can't find
the guy in my dreams. I can't do this, it doesn't work.
Blameing on everything else, this, that, and the third. I can't
do it. It's not helpful for me. It's also just not how I
move through life. I don't move through life as a victim never know or
never never never, because it does not get me out of the situation that
I'd be complaining about if I was in. And there is value in playing,
not playing, acknowledging that you have been a victim in certain circumstances.
I have been a victim in circumstances in my life, for sure. But
what I have learned is how to get out of that is to not continue
to live in that identity of things don't work for me, or bad things
have happened and they're going to continue to happen, or nothing works out for
me. Just never has worked in my life like that. And so I
have a lot of friends who are very optimistic, who are not playing the
victim and it just is it's lighter, it's amazing, and it's not so
draining. And I think maybe the last thing, I kind of just wrote
a few things here and again, I want to be careful because not everyone
is perfect, and I don't want to feel like I'm this pick me,
judgy, perfect girl who doesn't ever make a mistake. But I would say
throughout my twenties, for sure, I'm twenty eight. If you guys are
new, I stay away from women who are very self obsessed in a negative
way when it comes to body image, when it comes to like photos Instagram
chasing men insecurities down the nines, Like I can't. There is so many
more important things in our lives than to be hyper fixating on an Instagram post
for the entire day. I can't do it. Maybe this has just also
come with age, because I feel like this used to be like more prevalent
when when I was younger, Like friend groups of being like, oh does
this picture look good? At this that? And that's totally fine. You
ask your friends if a photo looks good? Yes, like if you need
that validation, sure, like I love it. You want to send your
friend, Oh, what are you wearing, what do you like whatever,
But the end of the day, it's like, I think you just know
when it's too much and it's just draining and I just don't want to be
around it. So I just really really value people who just stand in their
worth honestly, because then it rubs off on me and it makes me feel
It's the same way as when you're with a man who just says, don't
worry, I got it, and you can just breathe for a second.
It's like, thank you, because I could have worried about this, but
you're just like, don't worry, I got it, and then you can
just like come back to peace. Like that's how I feel when I'm around
people, especially women who are confident within themselves. And actually, maybe one
more thing is I look for people who know the importance of showing up in
a friendship, but also when they say one thing, they will follow through
with it. And I'm saying that from somebody who doesn't have that many expectations
with friends and things, because I understand that everyone has their own lives and
I'm not somebody who's asking for a lot. So I feel like when you
tell me something, don't flip flop and don't be like, oh, like
changing your mind every three seconds all the time. I can't do that.
The thing is, it's like I look for people who know themselves. So
if you know that you are somebody who doesn't really know and you want to
change your mind about things, fine, I'm not even judging about that.
But it's like, know yourself enough to know that you're probably going to change
your mind in a week, and don't make that plan with me until you
know, or be open with communication about how you move as a person.
And I do that as well with friends, Like all of my friends know
that I am somebody who is independent and I am actually okay to like not
see them all the time. There's different levels of communication that I like to
have with people, Like it's just this understanding, but it's because I show
up this way, like I'm not like flip flopping, so I don't know.
I think that that's just another thing that I really look forward in a
friendship, and I think that the closest friendship that I have, I think
that like Joey is like she she understands the value and she knows what it
means to be a friend, which for us is showing up, Like are
you showing up? Are you communicating when you can't show up? And are
you I guess like respecting each other's boundaries. But I think that's just natural,
Like when you align with people who are kind of like you, it's
like an unspoken word that you know, you don't need to be tied to
my hip type of energy. So that's probably all I'm gonna say about that.
The next question is how do you make high value friends who are on
the same journey as you. So when I think about my journey of really
building the friendships that I have built and the people who surround me, now
it really actually started with me. These people are really a reflection of who
I am, and so I kind of had to get real with myself.
And I'm not saying that you need to whoever asked this, but I'm just
gonna share my journey. When I was younger, I had to kind of
get real with myself about what was kind of being reflected in my life.
I realized that I didn't really have the best friendship groups, Like the quality
of friendships weren't really the best. The type of conversations that we were having
weren't really healthy. But I kind of had a look in the mirror and
be like, well, I'm the one putting myself in these places. I'm
the one going out every single weekend and being around people who care about going
out. I'm the one having these conversations nitpicking and being critical. I'm the
one also, you know, chasing male validation and then gossiping with my friends
about it and like really connecting on that level because we're all doing that.
And so the way I really built the friendships that I have now was not
like going out to find them. It was really just changing some of the
habits that I was indulging in in my life. And this naturally happened when
I graduated call I mean not even graduated, but when I was going through
college, I was being more responsible with my life. I had to work,
I had to make money, I had to create goals for myself.
A lot of you guys know, my dad had passed away when I was
sixteen, so I didn't have him in my life. I didn't come from
a lot of money. My mom was going through addictions. I didn't really
have I really didn't have a lot of help, So I kind of had
to be really really hyper responsible in my life, and that really reflected actually
in me not going out so much, me not giving an f about male
validation so much, because I don't care about what my Instagram looks like right
now, because I need to go to work, like very simple things,
honestly, So just kind of taking a look at your current life and your
habits and like, while you're interested in what type of content you're listening to,
what content you're consuming, what conversations you're having, who are you hanging
out with and where are you hanging out with them? Things like that,
And I just think that the more you kind of work on yourself important to
yourself and really prioritize your tens, your schooling, your job, where you're
going in the next five to ten years, naturally you'll just be put in
places where these people are matching the same thing. So I'll give you maybe
like a few examples of some of my friends that I'm really close friends with
now that I look at as very high value and it wasn't really hard for
me to make friends with them. Was when I was serving and this is
after college I was and this is the thing I have always been like a
really good worker, Like I'm very much so I follow the rules. I
like can work very efficiently, Like I'm very very productive at work. And
I've just always been like that, probably just just being raised by my father
and like also just I don't know, I've always had that core wound of
like never wanting to be in trouble, which is funny because I'm also like
savage in a lot of ways, Like I will like I will be blunt
and at work and stuff, and my boss is kind of my bosses weren't
afraid of me. But like I've always had that kind of sass and like
that confidence in the workplace in a way. So anyways, whatever, I'm
just talking about myself at this point. But anyways, when I was serving,
I was a really good server. And you know, if you just
if you just do your freaking job and you're really motivated, you'll you'll get
the tables that you want, You'll get the shifts that you want, you'll
be favored, like you will as long as you're growing and you're self aware,
like you can really go places in your life. And so I was
one of the top servers at this restaurant that I was working at and so
the more I was showing up as this person who's like, I want to
make money, I want to do good at my job. I want an
X, Y and Z. Of course I matched up and I got on
shifts with people who were good servers as well, because that's what ends up
happening, Like the top servers are going to be put on, the top
servers are going to get the best shifts, the top servers are usually going
to be working at night time, on the most busiest nights, and so
low and behold Joeye. I meet Joye. I think I was working there
before she was. I don't remember, I think so. Anyways, so
we naturally just got to know each other because we were always on the same
shifts, and it was very clear that we just we really killed it at
work. And you know, the more we got to know each other,
and like we were in group chats and we started talking more, and it
was very clear that we were very much so the same person. Even though
she's younger than me, she's been raised a little bit. In many ways,
she's raised the same way, but many ways she was raised differently than
me. She has different interests than me, but she was on her shit,
and she really loves finances. She loves money. And at that point,
like I was grinding, and we naturally slowly got closer together. And
ever since then we've started talking and we just hold the same values, like
we think the same way. We're just grinding, we're we're hustling whatever,
to the point where I ended up leaving serving, and I did social media
full time because I was doing my social media on the side as I was
working as a server, and I was working at nine to five as well.
Then I left that nine five because I didn't want to be there,
and then I did full time serving made bank as I was doing social media
until my social media kicked off. I made enough money to be able to
leave my serving job. I already knew that I was going to do that.
It was already done, Like in my mind, I was already out.
As I was doing that, I obviously got to know her more.
She was really into finances and I was on TikTok at that point, and
I was really big on TikTok, and I told her, I'm like,
dude, start TikTok. Start talking about finances on TikTok, Like that's the
thing. That people go to you for the most Anyway, she started doing
that, she blew up, she went full time, she left her job,
and now she's doing it full time as well. So like we're on
the same fucking vibe. And it wasn't hard for me to do that.
So I just feel like it started with me though. It started with me
prioritizing my bills and getting you know, to work, and being on time
and really grinding and hustling and like doing all these things. Same thing goes
with one of my friend's tests, she will not she well, she is
a content creator, so so am I. And I started following my passions
and my dreams of being a content creator and I was on TikTok and I
started my podcast and then I was on YouTube and this that so naturally,
when you're doing that and you're deciding, like I have goals and I want
to accomplish them and I'm working towards them, things opportunities come to you.
And there was an opportunity with a brand and she ended up being on that
same opportunity and we clicked that way, and then we kind of went from
there, like it was not this plan of I need to go to.
I don't know. I always think about this, like on TikTok sometimes like
when those like high value girls or will like go on be like where to
find high value friends and you like or like where where to find high value
men? And it's like you go to these like expensive hotels and like you
don't have to spend much, but you just put yourself in places like that.
And I used to make content of high value stuff as well, so
I'm not trying to bag and like soft life and stuff. But I think
sometimes it doesn't need to be like that at all. Can literally just be
like anyone in any any place. It just depends on like where are you
energetically, like where are you on your journey? So I think just really
working on what it is that you value in your life, and you'll you'll
eventually connect with these people like you really will. And I found also a
lot of other content creators who are now my friends. There's content creators who
have reached out to me. But also just like you know, people have
met in the industry where you know, we're going to health and wellness event
or they make health and wellness content, and I'm into health and wellness as
well. So naturally like we became friends. Like I have this one friend
who we connect so much on like going for hogo walks and getting machas and
going acute shops and like aesthetic things like that's just what we like. And
she's very high value to me because she takes care of herself and this that.
I have another friend who's very spiritual, like she thinks very much so
the same way as I do. It's just yeah and that, and I
met her through an event I went to because that event was tied to my
work. So I think, just again, following what you want in your
life and you will you will actually find the people who are meant for you.
Next question, somebody said, how to be social when you have a
hard time finding people who truly understand you. I think that this also has
a lot more to do with you than you think. This identity of people
don't understand me can actually hurt you more than you think. And I'm saying
this from personal experience. And I really went through this phase in my life
when I was really into self development and health and wellness and fixing my life
and getting out of the circumstance that I was in. When I was younger,
nobody was into self development, nobody was taking their life really responsibly like
it was I was. I felt very isolated, and so I felt like
nobody understood me, nobody got me, nobody wanted to change, and I
was kind of resentful. I was kind of annoyed. I'd be really judging
for people who wasn't who weren't sorry, And those are all natural things.
So if you're feeling like that right now, like it's it's actually it's fine.
It's not to say you need to actually judge people and like be rude
to them or treat them poorly, But I just mean, like, if
you're feeling those feelings like it's, it's a natural process. I personally think
when you are on a journey of like really working on yourself, it's gonna
feel a little bit lonely, but it's not gonna stay that way. And
I think that you need to get out of that mindset. And that's why
I'm saying this right now, like it kind of comes back to you.
Yes, you might go through life where people don't really fully understand you,
because, to be frank, how many people in your personal life are listening
to podcasts as much as you are reading as much as you or on their
shit as much as you probably like not every single person, okay, And
I would honestly even say, even if I look at my whole entire friend
group and there's a lot of them, I would say, like, I'm
the one that's probably I am the one for sure that's still listening to all
the podcasts more than anyone else. And this is not even to put me
on that like up above them, but it's just true, Like I just
I'm more into self development, so I feel like naturally it's anyways. The
way that I think about it now though, is it is just because some
of my friends might not be on that same journey, or people don't fully
understand me because they're not on the self development journey or whatever, does not
mean that I have to take it as nobody gets me and like nobody is
gonna be able to connect to me, and this that you're actually way more
connected with a person down the street that has nothing to do with your career
or self development or anything than you even think. But I think that sometimes
we have this identity of like, oh, people just don't get me,
so then naturally you're going out in the world with this lens of people don't
get me, so you're only going to search for evidence to prove yourself right.
So always being aware of that you're always wearing a lens when you go
out in the world. We have many lenses, so doing your best to
know when you're putting on that lens and you're kind of like painting the picture
like, oh, nobody gets me or nobody's like me, and this that
take it off is totally fine if people don't fully get you, And also
a good thing to ask yourself or even really saying, this is what I
do now is like what can I learn from this person? Okay, this
person doesn't need to be on the same journey as me, but what can
this person look like? What can this person teach me? Or what can
I teach them? And not every single friendship or relationship is going to be
this like twin flame fire connection, And that's totally fine. And I understand
why sometimes people will feel this way because maybe you have nobody like that right
now in your life. But I think that taking off that lens can be
helpful for you to actually find that person, because I do find and this
is my only experience. But I do find the way that I create relationships,
friendships, romantic anything manifest essentially is actually detaching a little bit from those
expectations. And the reason why I'm saying this is when I personally detach,
what I'm actually doing is I'm not letting go of the wanting the friends or
wanting the man, or wanting the thing. I'm letting go of the negative
thought process that I have about these things and how hard they're going to be,
or the limiting beliefs. Because I think that when you're speaking about manifestation,
people will say, well, no, you don't actually have to let
go and you should actually focus on that thing, And yes you should,
but how are you focusing on it? Are you focusing on it in a
positive way or a negative way? And if you find that you're being very
negative and you're, oh my god, it's not happening detached, That's that's
what helped me. Sorry, If I find that I have a lot of
limiting beliefs around something and I haven't experienced it fully, I kind of just
detached from it a little bit if I can't think positively. So I hope
that helped the next question somebody said, what age did you meet your friends
at who really see you, are there for you and you trust more than
anyone else. So I would honestly say year twenty seven into my twenty eighth
year, which is now, did I I really look at my friendships and
be like wow, like I've actually created some real connections. And the way
that this happened though, was me once again me, I finally started to
actually let people in. And I think that we're always looking for the friends
who we will be able to trust and who will be able to see us.
But I think a lot of us don't realize we have a lot of
core wounding that we energetically kind of put a wall up that makes it difficult
for us to actually build a friendship where we could even trust or where I
could even tell that person anything. And I think we're all different in terms
of coming back to the hyper independent thing, like I don't really need somebody
who I'm like need to trust with my life all the time and like always
let somebody in. But I did find that the closest friend that I have.
And again I'll bring it back to Joye where I could genuinely answer this
question and put her name in. It is because I like this guard down
finally, of I don't want to be seen or like friends don't work for
me, things like that, so I want to quickly just like talk about
this a little bit. Is like I had this core wound for a long
time, many core wounds I would say that obviously would play out in friendships.
But well, actually maybe I'll talk about two of them, the first
one being for a long time. This is gonna be like a therapy session
at this point, guys, But whatever, I know that me telling you
guys this will help. I didn't actually really see too much of the benefit
of having friends, if I'm being quite frank with you, Like I really
didn't care to work on friendships. I didn't see the value of friendships.
I didn't really care about them for a few reasons. One when I was
younger, for sure, I kind of it wasn't that I cared more about
boys than my friends, But when I would think about relationship or having somebody
who was close to me, I would feel more comfortable prioritizing a romantic relationship
than a female relationship because I really just didn't grow up learning the importance of
like leaning on your friends and this that, and then I became very hyper
independent that not only was it hard for me to even rely on men,
because I was also choosing men that just like weren't really the best to be
able to rely on. I never learned how to even rely on women like
at all, because I just went through my life not being able to rely
on my parents really and so that bled into friendships. So I kind of
just had this situation where it was like I don't really need them. I
don't need them for anyone, like I don't need you guys for anything,
like I'm gonna do it myself energy. Okay, So I had that going
on, which I will be very honest, I still have to work on
that. I still have to that. I think that it takes time and
it takes probably friend by friend. I think that I've done that more with
Joyee than anyone else, probably, So I just want to say that,
like, it takes time. But I've also had this core wound of I'm
not really important and my feelings don't matter. I don't matter. I'm not
pretty like everyone else, I'm not cool like anyone else. I don't get
what other people get. And this is like a childhood wound. This is
growing up in an environment in school where I didn't look like the other girls,
so I didn't really get favored or chosen. I also grew up in
a family where we didn't have a lot of money, so I would see
other people get things and I didn't. I grew up around a father where
he was very much so like just you have to be quiet, don't complain,
don't share your emotions, be very quiet. And so I just learned
how to do that, and then that obviously affected my confidence in many aspects.
So there was a lot of that going on. So when I would
show up in relationships, I actually like I didn't realize that I wasn't creating
a space to even build a healthy foundation of friendship because I wasn't letting people
in, because I never took the initiative to share how I was feeling or
share when I was going through something. When I was going through something,
I would do it alone. I would not tell my friends. I would
not go to them, I would not cry to them, I would not
do any of that. So without me really knowing that core wound, I
would just always feel like in friendships it was always about them and not about
me. So then I, oh, that kind of perpetuated this feeling of
what's the point I'm even having friends because I'm just this a vice friend anyways.
So when I kind of realized all of that, I realized, Okay,
yes, maybe there's gonna be people who kind of drain your energy,
but realistically, if you want to have this deep level of friendship, you're
gonna have to let people in. You're gonna have to look at yourself like
you are worthy of sharing what's going on. You have to look at yourself
like, yeah, people will care and they do want to know about you.
And the more I did that, and the more I worked on my
mindset around that, when things would come up in my relationships, that's when
I started to really feel like I was deeply connected with my friendships. And
it was hard. And I'll say this, I think that the turning point
for me when it came to my best friend Joyee, and I don't know
she really knows this, but was, first of all, what I just
told you, I was very very aware of my patterns and friendships and I
was like, fuck, like, it's no wonder I don't really like care
about friendships too much or like have like the most deep friendships, and if
I did have friendships, which I do, like I've always had friends,
it wasn't like anything I have now, So like I was very aware of
that. And then I had another person in my life who was much older
than me, and she's still in my life, and she would always tell
me the importance of friends and like leaning on your girlfriends and this that,
and everyone says that, but I just like was so like I don't want
to, and like I don't know how and this that, But I found
an opportunity to do this and put it in play. Okay, I was
going through a breakup, and at this point I had gone through so many
things by myself and I knew the importance of leaning on friends, and I
still felt so uncomfortable and I didn't even really look especially Duey, like I
didn't look at her like my closest best friend at that point, nor did
I look at anyone like that. But I was like, I think this
is a real good opportunity for me right now to lean in versus pull away,
which is what I always do. And so when I was going through
a breakup, she had known about the relationship that I was in, and
I I think, I don't know, like I called her like right away
or something, and I ended up meeting up with her and I went to
a car and I was crying and I was just like, you know,
just the thing that you do when you're going through a breakup. And she
was there, like she was like which was wild to me because I've never
experienced like a friend being like, Okay, you're coming back to my place
right now, and like we're talking about this and like we're breaking this down
and like whatever. I've always had the like friends who were kind of like,
oh, like that's sad, like if you need anything, whatever.
But but I'm not blaming them because I also didn't really open up to them
as well, you know what I mean. I hope you guys can see
what I'm saying. And so anyways, from there, I just knew that
it was so important to keep leaning and keep talking to her, keep doing
whatever. And we obviously just like built that that friendship from there, and
it was uncomfortable, but I just knew that it was really helpful. And
I think that that actually, genuinely, for the first time in my life,
I realized and I experienced what my older friend was telling me when she
said, your female friendships are literally everything for you, Like I would be
a different person if I didn't have Juey. But also just like anyone as
close as I did leaning on, like I could have gotten through it for
sure. I've gone through very hard times without anyone in my life, and
sometimes you just have to go through that, and like kudos to anyone who's
currently going through that, because I get it, to get it. But
it just like it did something to my nervous system, It did something to
like my inner child to even do that, And so from there we really
built that not even built. It was just like a natural progression of you
know, I let her in and she knew about that, and then a
few months later she ended up going through a breakup as well, so I
was naturally always there, like I've always been that person that's been the advice
friend, no problem, Like I'm there. But it just really built this
trust in this like real like connection with us, and ever since then we've
been like inseparable. When I mean inseparable, I mean we do it in
a way that works for us, Like she's not attached to my hip.
But she is somebody that I genuinely literally text every single day, which is
wild because I don't feel the need to do that with most people. I
think that it's not needed for most people, and I don't really like that.
But with her, there's no, like we're so aligned in tune that
she feels like home to me, where there's just this like I can text
her about whatever, and like there's no pressure to like meet up or do
these things or whatever. She's genuinely just this consistent thing that's always been in
my life, and it's like the most healing thing ever. So shout out
to Joey. She is like the best friend that I've ever had. Kind
Of piggybacking off of that question, somebody said how to start over to find
new friends in your late twenties, So I for sure technically like started over
many times. I think that that's a normal thing. Genuinely, it's kind
of rare to like always have the same friend group for a long time.
I moved many different schools throughout my life, and then I went to college,
and then I left my hometown. Then I came back, and then
I North York and Markham and this that so I've been all over the place,
so like naturally you just you keep some people and then naturally you just
fall away from some people. And I think that that's normal also when you
have real responsibilities in your life. Okay, but I think like when I
really built the friendships that I have now again coming back to I just decided
that it was like I had to be the one to kind of make that
effort and understand that friendships do take some time, the same way romantic partnerships
take time. Like we just think that sometimes it's like this one day,
we're just gonna like find this person and it's just gonna be like flip of
a switch and you're my husband or flip of the switch and you are my
best friend and I trust you with everything. But it's like we also forget
we all have like core wounds of things and we're doing self sabotaging behaviors a
lot of the time, and then that person also has it and then also
finding somebody who's kind of on the same grind as you. Like, things
take time, Okay, So if you are starting over or you know,
like transitioning, give yourself time and grace and coming back to how you really
meet the friends that are for you. I think, you know, getting
aligned back to who you are and what you value in your life, and
thinking about the next five to ten years, like what type of conversations you
want to be having with friends? Where do you want to be moving what
I mean moving like environments you want to be moving around conversations and like things
that you want to be doing with these people, and then kind of going
out and even doing that on your own journey without even maybe even having that
person yet. And for me, like when I think about myself in my
thirties, I don't know where I'll be living or with who, but I
know that I will be supported and not supported, sorry, I will be
surrounded by friends who are aligned to me because I know in my thirties,
I'm going to prioritize and like, obviously I don't really know because I'm not
a time teller and this that, but like obviously I have goals. I
want to be living in the suburbs. I love my hot girl walks.
I really value health and wellness. I value not really drinking much like I
value certain things. So I just when I'm looking for friends, like I'm
trying to find those friends that are kind of aligned to the same thing as
me. So give yourself time. If you are starting over in your twenties.
Someone said how to build a friendship group instead of just having like one
to two friends, you know, Okay, So I'll give you kind of
like I have a pretty good case study of a friend. Who is this
person who has created friend groups and it's not me? Okay. So I
have witnessed one of my close friends who I've known for a long time.
She's like a hometown girly. She lives in Toronto here now and she feels
like a sister to me. Feels like a sister to me. I love
her because she also coming back to those traits that I look for in female
friendships. She is very independent. She is on her shit and she but
she's different than me. But she is on her shit like she We have
this. We've said this before, but very much so. She doesn't need
to be like texting me all the time. I don't need to be texting
her all the time. We do not take it personally at all, like
we very much sorrel like that. She's also Aquarius. I think that this
plays a kind of like a little bit of a piece as to why she
is the way she is when it comes to building friend groups. So what
I'm saying is, I'm just gonna give you kind of what I obs and
I think what traits you probably need to have if you want to do this.
And I actually, I'll be frank, I'm not interested in doing any
of this. I think I've watched her do this and she's fucking amazing at
it, and she's like this matriarch of the friend group. But like God,
like somebody give her a raise anyways, So I think if you want
to build a friend group, like, let's just be real, it takes
a lot of work, a lot of effort. It takes most likely you
being some sort of a extrovert. It probably takes you wanting to do this
obviously, which it seems like you do, And it takes a lot of
patience. From what I've seen from her, and when she's getting the girls
together and this that that's what I'm witnessing within her. I'm witnessing her make
the plans, get the girls together. I'm witnessing her going out and networking,
and she's out here and she works, and she's still out here and
she's meaning the people she needs to meet and she has these good connections.
But it is a full time fucking job. But obviously there's a part of
her that really likes it, like she really feels fulfilled doing some of these
things. But also another thing actually that I wrote is selflessness. She's very
selfless, right, is that the word selflessness? Whatever, She's not selfish,
And I think that you kind of have to be like that when you're
building a friend group, like you have to take a lot of people in
consideration, you have to have a lot of patience. There's a bunch of
women who want different things, and you're getting everyone together and everyone's on different
timelines and stuff. Personally, for me, I don't have the patience.
I don't not have the patience to be able to take responsibility of so many
people. Personally, I feel like I have spent so much time taking so
much responsibility of not only myself, but I also think that I've just had
to play that parent role in a parent child dynamic where I shouldn't have done
that. That I'm just exhausted, and also just the nature of my makeup
I am. I'm actually very extroverted in a way that I can be a
social butterfly. And and I'll tell you what I kind of do. But
I'm also very much so introvert. I also value certain things that require me
to not be out doing certain things, like I like my early morning routines.
I like my health routines, like naturally that takes me away from a
bunch of group things and social things all the time. But that's just something
that I value and I really love. And it's not to say that let's
say my friend is wrong for that, or she's bad or whatever. It's
just that that's what it makes sense why she's able to kind of have room
for that. So I think, like, so this is what I kind
of do. And some people will like say that this is not like the
way to do this, because we'd be like, oh, like if you're
friends with everyone, then you're friends with none. And I do not agree
with that. I see where that argument comes from, because obviously that there's
let's say there's certain women who are kind of like nake and like in this
friend group over here and then that friend group over there, and like talking
here and this that, and like all this kind of stuff and like stirring
up drama maybe and stuff like that, but I'm not. I don't like
It's not like that for me. I am somebody who has many different sides
of me. I love, like I said, my health and wellness,
but I also love going out and going to patio or sometimes I'll go to
the club with my friends. I have friends also in different industries. I
have friends in finance, I have friends in marketing. I have friends in
the self development space. I have friends in health and wellness. Like I
have a bunch of different types of friends. I have different friends like sorry,
I have friends who are older and younger. So I have many different
friend groups and it actually works a lot for me because I am somebody who
I'm not trying to be tied to a friend group every single like, week
after week after week after week and in every single plan and every single group
thing like, I'm just not available for that. So it just doesn't make
sense for me to be that person. And all of my friends know that,
which is fine. But obviously there's some people who are like that and
can so I think you just have to know yourself. I will say one
thing, though, I am somebody who does very well with majority of people
and I think that it has to do with confidence within myself. I know
how to have a conversation with somebody short or long. I've learned how to
manage my social anxiety. I am interested in people. I feel like I
don't reside too much in this person has something like me, or if not,
I can't talk to them energy the way that I used to probably be
when I was younger. So I actually really enjoy being able to see different
friends and then I'm friends with their friends group. Like I will say this,
like all of my close immediate friends that I'm with, if I've ever
met any of their friends, all of them are fine with me, and
all of them like me for the most part, like they do, and
I can get along with them. And I'm very very good at being that
social butterfly and like having a good time. That's just how I like to
move. So again, coming back to you kind of just need to know
yourself. But if you want to from my experience seeing it happen in real
time, and I've kind of tried to be like this and it's just like
too much patience, selflessness, I guess extraversion you really have to commit to
the bit because it's a lot time management, honestly, Like like my friend
Kendra, Oh my gosh, she has to manage like she is. She
has an event planner. At the end of the day, she has an
event planner. But we love her. I give her so much props and
just yeah, I guess check on your friends. Who are the ones who
are putting all the girls together because they be doing God's of work. Next
question, someone asked, Well, there was kind of like two questions here.
They said, how did not become too attached? And what to do
when you're jealous when you see your friends hanging out without you? So let's
address the becoming too attached thing. As you probably can tell, this hasn't
really been a problem for me because I am like the opposite of that,
to be honest, like pretty detached from friendships. But even now it's a
little bit different. But what I'll say is from what I have experienced with
friends in my past who were actually too attached And maybe this sounds like a
little bit of passing judgment, but whatever, they didn't really have their own
thing going. And I also just think about this when it comes to relationships
though, Like when I was like the most attached to a guy. It
was because I didn't really have much going in my own life. So I
think just blanket advice is have your own thing going for yourself, like get
busy with your own life. Yes, friendships are such an important part of
our lives, but I look at my life now and there's like a few
times out of the month where yes, I am prioritizing friendships and we're going
to dinners and this that, but there's so many other times where I have
to work all the time, I have to focus on myself. I have
other things going that don't really revolve friendships and stuff. So I think that
you know, focus on your school, focus on work, focus on your
goals, focus on your health, your sleep, all of these things.
And I do feel like even when it comes to social media, sometimes taking
a step back can be helpful as well. If you find that you're too
attached to like people, places and things and stuff. I think that when
you see somebody in front of your face all the time on social media,
like yeah, you're gonna always just be thinking about them and this that and
being really attached. So what's really helped me with detaching Also, like with
men and romantic relationships has always been having something where I'm grounded in in my
own life, and when I'm really pouring into myself, I'm always so detached.
And that's always when the guy that I'm seeing at the time or dating
is always very much so chasing me. Although we really only dates men who
are chasing us. But that's not the episode. So what else? Oh?
The getting jealous when seeing your friends hang out with you? Okay,
so like two, I guess I'll say two things here because it happens.
I think we kind of need to get in this energy of just being mature
and understanding that people have other friends and just because you're not invited to that
thing doesn't mean that they don't like you or they're leaving you out. I
think it actually really depends on your core wound. If you feel like you're
always somebody who's not chosen and not picked or people don't like you, again,
you're moving through life with that lens. So if you find that you
see friends over here and they're doing something without you, you're automatically going to
go to whatever you believe about yourself. And so really sitting here and being
like is this really true? And I'll give you an example, like my
one friend who has that friend group situation, like she's that matriarch. She
has a lot of friends and stuff. I see her a lot going out
with the other girls, and I'm friends with the other girls, but I'm
not as close. I see them going to concerts and dinners and things like
that. I get invited to some things, but I know that when I'm
not getting invited, it has nothing to do with me. It's not personal.
Also, I have set a standard where it's very clear, like why
I wouldn't be the first pick to go to some of these things because at
the end of the day, I'm a freaking grandma. I'm going to sleep
at freaking nine pm. Like I would rather prioritize wholesome things and like day
things and stuff like my friends know that. So when I see them out
doing things, I'm not taking it personally, And quite frankly, I'm like,
you know what, I'm good because if you were to ask me,
I would have probably said no. Now if you know that these people like
there's no reason why you shouldn't have been invited to that, and they know
that you would really want to be there, or they know that you were
available or you've been trying. Then that's when obviously you might want to have
a conversation with these people, or you might want to rethink this friendship,
like are they really showing up for you or do they really care about you?
Like maybe it's not the lens that you're looking through when you're really seeing
it for what it is, and these people just aren't. They're not really
prioritizing you. And then that's when it's kind of like, yeah, you
might have to communicate and kind of just remove yourself. But I do think
you know if you are feeling those feelings, Like for me, if I
start feeling a little left out even though I know it's not personal and I
see my friends going to do things, what it's going to require from me
is communication, because at the end of the day, you have to communicate
your needs and communicate your feelings to people. You can't just expect your friends
to always know exactly how you're feeling, especially when it's not really personal.
But if I'm still feeling like, oh, I kind of wish I was
getting invited more, I kind of wish I was going out, I have
to just message my friend and be like, hey, like, I know
it's not personal, but like let me know, like when you're doing another
thing, I would really want to like get out more and I want to
see you guys more, and I kind of want to be a part of
things more. And then if they continue to not invite you, then it's
like, Okay, well maybe they don't want to be around me for whatever
reason, and then maybe you want to kind of rethink those type of friendships.
Another question, if you should or should you reunite, reignite, reunite.
You could also say reignite the flame. I guess reunite after years of
not being friends when they did something to end the friendship, so essentially getting
back with an ex friend. This actually recently happened to me, So I
guess what I will say is, obviously it depends completely on what they did
or what happened in your friendship. But if you're considering it, I'm sure
it's probably not the worst thing. So if you are going to talk to
a friend now, I think like get back kind of with that friend.
I think time is really important. At least for me, time was really
important. If I ever thought about becoming friends with and like a person that
I sat being friends with. I knew that it was going to have to
be a lot of time because of the issues that we were having. It
just I just knew that it was going to require time of growth. Basically,
the reason why I'm saying time is because there needed to be growth from
on my side and for theirs. And I think the first thing though,
is if you're going to be talking to that person again, is like,
are you guys addressing what had happened, and are you taking responsibility for how
you played a role and how and is that person taking responsibility as well?
If you're just kind of getting back and being like, oh, I just
like miss this person and what we were doing in this appen, you're not
addressing the issues. It's going to happen again. So I also need,
like I also have to think about for me, like, am I in
a different state of being, Like do I know how to have healthy boundaries
now? Because for me, like a part of some of the relationships that
didn't work out for me was because I didn't have healthy boundaries and I didn't
really stand up for like what I needed to say, and I was not
the best at communicating and I would just retreat back. So I had to
look at myself. It's like, do I have that quality? Have I
grown in that area of my life? Because if I haven't, it's not
that I can't be friends with this person, but I'm probably gonna have an
issue again because if it requires any level of me having any sort of boundaries,
if I'm not that person that knows how to set them, then I'm
going to be kind of back in that same thing. So you kind of
have to call yourself out with that. And then obviously I think it just
takes time, like don't dive back in one hundred percent with that person and
kind of see where you know, the the actions I guess speak louder than
words, So I would just take your time with that. But you know,
if things kind of seem to be the same, just having those communities,
like that communication again with that person, and if it seems to be
the same, then maybe that friendship is just not for you. And said
how to move on and heal from losing your core friend group of best friends,
and how to move on from missing a toxic friendship. I think,
honestly, I do this a lot with my one on one clients. And
if you guys don't know. I do want to want coaching. All the
information will be linked down below if you want to work with me. But
one of the core things that I do with people and from myself, because
this is what I've done to heal, is to actually really just honor and
acknowledge that part of you that is feeling that loss. Right. I feel
like sometimes we go right into like okay, well, like how do I
fix feeling like shit? Or like how do I deal with this cool wound?
But a lot of the times we haven't actually slowed down to honor that
young part of us that is actually feeling very sad and like lost and like
I lost my friends or I miss that person that we were with what we
had. So I think just giving yourself that grieving period. And it look
different for everyone. Maybe it's a journal practice, maybe you're going to do
therapy like therapists and talking about it. Maybe you're speaking about it too,
like maybe another friend or something like that, but like really just like acknowledging
and honoring that young part of you, not not getting mad at yourself or
like missing that toxic friend, or not getting mad at yourself for being like
oh, like I should just get over it and find new friends. Things
like that. I think it's really important that we acknowledge that young part of
us or older, but sometimes it's a lot of times it's usually younger that
might be missing or might be feeling very alone. I think that that's just
a great way for you to build a relationship towards yourself, which is the
most important thing, and then it also sets you up for a good level
of aligned to action moving forward. I feel like we don't connect to ourselves
and we start trying to take action, and we try and take advice from
someone else, or we try and do something that we think is quote unquote
what we need to be doing to find friends without acknowledging like our actual true
feelings of something. I feel like sometimes what will happen is we just get
into these cycles, we kind of get into the same friend groups or we
you know. So I think it's really important that you acknowledge your emotions with
that when it comes to like how to move on and heal, Obviously,
I guess it depends on what it is that you're trying to move on from.
I have an episode. I think it was my I think it was
my first ever podcast episode that I'll have link down below. I believe it
is where I talk about the process of forgiving and letting go and moving on.
So I think that you could totally use that episode in regards to friendship.
So I would suggest to go listen to that. And I think the
advice that I gave at the beginning of how I've made my friends or the
years, just understanding that it's going to take a little bit of time,
but you will find your core friend groups. Maybe it will look different than
what they used to, but you know, just always having that optimistic mindset
of like, if you don't have it yet, it's going to come.
Is. I promise you it's the best advice I could ever give you when
it comes to anything in your life, even outside of friendships. Do not
sabotage yourself in your future by telling yourself it's never going to happen. I'm
not going to find the man of my dreams, I'm not going to find
the friendships of my dreams, I'm not going to have the life. Don't
do that to yourself. And I know it's hard to not when you don't
see that, but like, it's the best thing I've ever done for myself,
and it is the reason why I have created the life that I have
now is by saying if I don't have it now, I'm only one step
closer to getting it. And that's just kind of like what you have to
do. You have to have that faith. Next question, what does loyalty
in a friendship mean to you? This was hard for me to think about
because I feel like in this day and age, in this generation, I
feel like people really have this messed up. And I think that people are
wanting people to be loyal for the wrong reasons, and I think that it's
very like based out of insecurity, and yeah, I guess insecurity. I
just feel like some of the situations where I've heard of women, especially be
like, oh, like this girl needs to be loyal to me, and
that it's kind of like an out of an ego thing. And I found
that it's like they don't really actually care about that person as a friend,
and they just really care if that person is going to tell that other person
their business and it has something to and I know that's what loyalty is,
Like I get that, but like it's very much more self centered than how
people try and paint it to be of being like, oh, I value
loyalty and I value friendship and things like that. So I've so that's what
I'll say about that. But I think when it like loyalty, I just
naturally, like the relationships that I have and the friendships that I've built,
I don't really hyper focus on is this person going to be loyal to me?
Because I just moved through life just being that for other people naturally,
but also just expecting that. So I feel like I don't need to worry
about it. I feel like the people who worry about whether their friends are
being loyal to them or like their man being loyal to them are always the
ones that tend to be in situations where they're not. And there's many reasons
for that, but I've really witnessed that a lot, So I find like
the less you hyper focus on that and you expect good things from people like,
I find that that's not really really an issue. But I obviously I
guess it depends. So I guess like if I would have to answer that,
I would just say, someone who really values and knows the importance of
showing up and you know, not being flip floppy, which is kind of
what I said at the beginning. And I think I think that somebody who's
wanting and knows the importance of just putting an effort, and I just don't
really worry about when it comes to like loyalty, if somebody is gonna go
behind my back and like talk about me and stuff. But I think the
reason why I don't worry about that is because I have a good self concept
and I know that the friends that I'm with there's nothing bad for them to
say about me, And if they are going and like saying something, I'm
not worried about it because in my mind, the way I look at myself
is there's not much to talk shit about, Like I'm not worried about that.
And again coming back to I feel like the people who always worry about
when other people are talking about them, it's usually because they're worried about something
because there's something actually to be worried about. And it's not always, but
I do think that a lot of the time it's based in insecurity, whether
it's real or not. So I think just like working on your self concept,
if you find that you're like hyper focusing on that, I just think
that, like, yes, it's important to have expectations and standards for how
people show up for you, of course, but I just I don't really
worry about that because I'm like, I know of that if I'm telling my
friends something that they're not going to go and like, there's nothing for my
friends to go and say, you know, So, yeah, I think
that's all I'm gonna say about that. But I do understand the importance of
like having people who are loyal and stuff. But I just think that maybe
I'm not the best person to give advice on because I also am somebody who's
very independent and I'm not like looking for that, and I'm also not looking
for like people to validate me and my friends to validate me a lot.
Okay, so I have more questions, but I kind of put this more
into like your own personal Q and a's, Like, obviously you guys had
asked me those questions, but I feel like this is a little bit personal,
kind of like more situational. But I do think that this will still
be very relevant to a lot of you guys. So I'm gonna do my
best to hurry up because this Honestly, my episodes have been really long these
days. But whatever, you guys, I know that you guys like them
and you can just always come back to them. So someone said, and
this is kind of this was kind of difficult for me to figure out how
I was going to answer this, But she said, how do you know
if you're being avoidant with a friend due to the fear of getting hurt again
stem from a past friendship or failures, or if you're being avoidant because you
actually feel like something is off hence why you should distance yourself. Now again,
I'm really not going to be able to give you that answer that you
need because it's going to be your intuition and your knowing. And I actually
think that a lot of the times we kind of forget that we really do
know. And I feel like even reading this question personally from how I've worked
with a lot of people and just even myself, like, I really do
think that you know the answer. But this is what I will say,
and this is how I would probably differentiate. It is the person that you're
maybe like trying to figure out whether you should like be in their lives or
not, like whether this person like there's something off about this person, or
if it's like just your insecurities coming back up. Is is this person actually
doing something bad? Or is does this person have the qualities and traits and
values that you hold to be important in friendship, Because if they're not doing
anything bad and they are basically aligned to you and they have like you know,
they're on their shit, they're aligned to what you are aligned to,
they have good values, they prioritize the same things as you, things like
that, then most like it's most likely the feeling that you're feeling of like
wanting to be avoidant might have to do with your maybe like your core wound
from past things that haven't worked out, and you're afraid and you're trying to
protect yourself. But if for some reason, like this person, you're maybe
like giving you this person a chance, but you can kind of see like
the way that they're moving in their life is not aligned to you, and
like maybe you wouldn't do it like that, or you wouldn't think like that,
or like maybe they have a lot more insecurities than you do, or
maybe they just have like all of these things that I kind of told you
that I don't look for in friendships anymore, and I don't really allow my
life, Like if it's that, then yeah, it's probably your intuition being
like hmmm, I don't really want this because it doesn't feel good to my
nervous system because this person might be chaotic, or this person might be lying
about something, or this person is just off and I just for me personally,
like I'm very aware of when I know that I am going in that
avoidant and like pushing people away or being anxious based off of what I've been
through through really taking a logical view of who I am assessing in this situation,
and I know it can kind of be hard because obviously you have that
internal feeling in that battle. But I even think about this when I give
advice to my friends as well, like, okay, logically putting the emotions
aside, which is hard to do and you don't have to like ignore them,
but putting the emotions aside. Let's say, when it comes to a
man, is this man showing up, is he being a man of his
word? Is he taking you on the dates that you want to be taken
on? Is he having the conversations that you want to be having. When
it comes to like family, future, things like that, is does he
have a job, is he showing up? Is he like doing all of
the things that you're looking for in an actual husband. If he's doing all
those things and you're still kind of feeling like a little bit off, it
might just be you know, those insecurities coming up, and obviously you can
work through those things and it really has nothing to do with him. But
if he is actually maybe an avoidant guy, and like maybe he doesn't have
a job, and you know, maybe he's being inconsistent, it's not crazy
for you to be feeling these feelings. So I think you have to kind
of assess that person and be like, Okay, what kind of category is
this person in, and then kind of move from there and acknowledge those feelings.
So I hope that helped. Someone said how to interact in a group
when you two are not talking slash pretending and like being non existent. Again,
it's kind of hard for me to give advice on because I I really
don't move in circles where this is a thing. But if I were to
ever, and I'm sure I have probably maybe, Like when I was a
little bit younger, I try to always be the bigger person and be the
mature person because it's just like a waste of time to not be in my
personal opinion, and so kind of like stepping into this mature version of you
of being like, you know, there's no bad blood on my end,
I'm good type of thing. So like moving into a social situation and understanding
like, yeah, that person might not be nice or whatever, and you
don't have to cross boundaries and let this person back in, but like just
be in this room and remind yourself like there's nothing to worry about. There's
no issue. It's like I think we kind of worry about how to act
and be in certain situations because you're hyper focused on the situation that had happened.
But realistically, like the situation happened for whatever reason, you guys are
not friends or even when it comes to relationships, like if things work out
and you for some reason need to be in the same ring as that person,
Like I understand it's harder said than done, but like we can just
be we can put our mature, logical, no bad blood hat on and
just be present in the moment and focus on things that do matter, which
is not dwelling in what happened essentially, and if that person's gonna be rude
to you or whatever, you don't need to engage. You don't need to
worry about it. Like I think sometimes we go into that fight or flight,
but like you have to remind yourself there's no need to be in fight
or flight. I don't need to be stressed right now. I don't need
to be thinking that this person is a threat. I don't need to be
all on all the time right now is totally fine. You have to talk
to yourself in that way. So hopefully that helped. Someone said, I
grew up with an absent mom and bullying from other girls, so I struggle
with feeling close to women. I kind of said this already, so I'm
sure that that advice helped you coming back to really just acknowledging that young part
of you, most likely that was bully by other girls and you were not
around your mother a lot, like really acknowledging and sending that part of you
love and compassion and just sitting with that part of you and kind of mourning
that loss because it is right. Like I even think about the relationship that
I kind of lost with my mom in my early twenties that I just didn't
get to experience like it's and like you know, like obviously that played a
role in different things that happened in my life. And without getting mad at
myself or being like, ugh, why can't I connect with women or ugh,
why is my life like this? Getting mad at myself, kind of
just give sending yourself love and be like, yeah, it's no wonder that
you struggle with connecting with women when you were bullied in school and you had
an absent mom, Like, it's no wonder, Like, don't beat yourself
up for it. And I think that that will take you a long way,
because if you don't send that love, compassion and do that healing work
on that part of you, when you go out and try to continue to
connect with women, you're gonna have that wall up because you're you haven't really
healed that wound. And it's not to say that you have to fully heal
before you go out into the world. You don't. You heal a lot
within relationships. Actually bringing it back to what I was telling you about the
relationship that I have with Joyee. But I think you can get a lot
further than maybe you have by first acknowledging and be like and not even acknowledging,
like yes, acknowledging, but giving yourself grace and compassion and giving yourself
the time that you are going to uniquely need to be able to move into
the direction of having female friendships okay. And I think we do this a
lot where we see other people have friendships and they have it so well and
it's so good for them, and it's like friend groups over here, and
it's just like, that doesn't need to be your journey, and it's okay
that it's not. And I'm telling you, everyone has a core wound of
something, So don't beat your beat yourself up if you find that you're struggling
right now with connecting with friends. Like it took me damn near twenty seven
years to be able to fully feel that feeling that I have with some of
my closest friends yet now. And I for sure went through that period of
time where I was in my twenties and I was like, wow, like,
why am I not feeling like the way that I feel like I'm supposed
to be feeling when it comes to femal friendships and stuff Like I think that
many women have a lot of guards up without them even realizing in many different
aspects. You know, they have a fatherhood wound, they have a motherhood
wound, they have a sister wound, they have like trauma that has happened,
they have a lot of things. So like, I feel like we're
all trying to navigate how to really even connect with each other. And I
think that the best thing that you can do is first connect with yourself,
that part of you that has been probably really dying for you to really acknowledge
that loss that might have been, and that will really actually help you be
able to show up better in friendships and not feel like it's this big thing
because you'll have that self love component of when you know not even when,
but you'll know the right doses of what you uniquely need when it comes to
friendships. But you're not going to know that until you connect with yourself.
So I actually I wrote here a good practice that you can do is an
emotional release practice. I actually kind of talk about this in my book,
but I think, you know, even writing a letter to your young self,
the one that was bullied, the one that probably needed friends around her,
that didn't have anyone to protect her, the young or maybe older I
don't know what age you're at. A part of you that needed her mom,
and her mom wasn't there, Like really writing to her and telling her
I am here for you, I see you. What do you need?
What do you need to say right now? What do you need to like?
Express? Like, letting yourself write out from this part of you has
been the most transformative thing that has ever helped me when it comes to healing
physically and mentally. So having that emotional release, like again, you're writing
a letter to your younger self, but you're also allowing your younger self to
take that pen and really write and let it out. And there's feelings there.
If you have been bullied when you were younger, there's probably a lot
of so many emotions that you're probably holding in that you probably had to to
keep yourself safe, but they're residing within you right now. And I think
the best thing that you could ever do for yourself is be kind of like
that big sister energy for your young self and be like, baby, what
do you need to say right now? What do you need? What do
you like? Everything? And I promise you Like that has really helped me
be really confident in my life. Is kind of looking at myself from these
two dichotomies of like looking at my young self that didn't get love and affection
and attention from her father, who really struggled in school, really felt out
of place, really felt really awkward, like really hated herself, like really
was lost, really lost, you know, a huge part of her twenties
and even a little bit earlier away from her mom, like things like that,
like I let her really out and really speak and really just cry it
out. Honestly, You're probably gonna cry a lot. I'm not gonna lie,
which is great. You should really do that. But then what happens
from this emotional release practice is you naturally get this energy of like never again,
never ever again, will I ever let anyone make me feel the way
that those people or this circumstance made me feel When I was younger, And
when I was younger, there wasn't protection when I was younger. There are
people who were fucked up. When I was younger, I was given a
deck of cards unfortunately that I did not even understand that I could up level
and change. But guess what, I'm older, now, I'm wiser,
Now I'm gonna step in as that big sister energy, that mother energy,
whatever energy that you feel like you need. Everyone is unique. It's a
different consciousness, it's a different way of like archetypes, whatever you want to
look at yourself as and be like, from now on, I am going
to meet your needs young Alicia, young, whoever it is that asks this
question. And so when I move through life, now, that's how I
move through life. I look at myself as if I have different parts,
and I have a lot of them, and I do parts work with my
therapists, but mainly I kind of sometimes just look at myself as like one
part, like that young child, and be like, okay, you know,
on a day to day basis, how can I meet my younger child's
needs right now when it comes to friendships, relationships, everything, How can
I stand up for her more? What does she need? She needs me
to communicate, She needs me to advocate for herself, She needs me to
relax, She needs me to say no, She needs me to allow her
to say yes and go have fun or go do these things. Like That's
how I'm operating in my life. When I'm creating my weeks and my planning,
this thought I'm always coming back to myself and being like, what do
I need? And when I'm saying, I am saying my younger version of
me that never got the things that she needed. You have to meet your
needs as an adult now, and I feel like sometimes we're always looking for
someone else to do it for us. We're searching for the validation, and
we're searching for people to say you can do it. We're searching for people
to say you're allowed, you are approved, you are whatever. And it's
not bad to do that because we're humans and we need that validation. But
the truth is, especially when you're older, you're gonna be waiting a long
time. You have to be the one to decide for yourself and decide that
your inner child is good enough, decide that you are good enough, and
you go in that direction and you take control over your life, stop looking
outside of yourself. And again, I do talk about this a lot.
I have a whole section in my book about reparenting and the journal practices that
I brought myself through when it comes to really showing up for myself and my
inner child. So what I highly recommend if you don't have my book already,
The Ultimate Glow Up Guide, it'll be linked down below and you can
get at your bookstores. Okay, that was a little bit of a rant,
was it not? Next one, someone said damages of venting and how
to do it less. I don't really know. You're like if you're meaning
gossip in a bad way, or if you're meaning venting, like you're just
telling your friend your insecurities or things that you're going through, and if you're
like worried that that that's too much. So I'm really not exactly sure,
but I guess what I will say is give yourself a moment to just be
present with yourself when you find that you're wanting to vent or you're wanting to
gossip, or you're wanting to whatever, and like ask yourself, like,
is this too much for that person? Is this even needed? Is this
going to spiral me? Have I been thinking about it too much? Is
this really going to bring me to the next level of where I want to
be? Before you kind of do it, you kind of have to stop
yourself in the tracks, and you have to kind of call yourself out.
I guess that's kind of my best advice, and also just yeah, I'm
kind of really considering the other person though, asking them are they available for
you right now to be I think that if you're really if you really care
about your friends though, and you're really aware of them, like you'll know
if they're available for that and if they're wanting. And I think that like
you have to pick up on cues when it comes to having conversations with people.
It's very apparent when people are zoning out of a conversation and when they're
really connected. So kind of finding those people who are very like eyes open,
ears open, ready to go, that's probably going to be your person
that you're gonna do that venting session with and just kind of seeing, you
know, are they also reciprocating that same energy and if they're not, even
just kind of mentioning being like, hey, you know, you can always
vent to me if you need. Because I actually have a few friends where
they're highly aware that I am definitely the advice friend and they're very like adamant
on being like like they're very aware of like not doing like not overloading me
too much, which I really appreciate. And they also will tell me like
anytime you need to vent, like let me know, which I think is
really it's beautiful if you can do that for your friends. So someone said
a friend saying that there's quote unquote no competition with girls, but always need
male validation. Honestly, Like from my personal experience, just you got to
stay away from people like girls like that. Like it's just like the chasing
male validation thing. And I've been there, so it's like I get it,
but it's just it's not a hill that you want to die on,
man. And I really think that the girls who are in that chase,
you gotta let them learn. You gotta let them learn, especially if you're
very self aware and you've been doing the work and like you're listening to podcasts
all the time, like you are completely not that person. I think that
you are honestly doing yourself a disservice by constantly surrounding yourself with people who do
not see themselves. This is the thing. If you can have a friend
who is going through times where it's kind of shitty, they don't have the
best self concept, they're not in the best relationship situation. This that that's
fine. I'm not saying that you have to drop those people, but the
quality that you want within these people, if you're going to be friends with
them? Is do they see themselves? Do they know what they're doing?
Can they call themselves out? And I have been around people who genuinely do
not even see how insecure they are. Do do not even see how much
they're complaining? They do not even see themselves, like they can't they're not
there. And with those people, I would suggest kind of removing yourself.
That's basically all I'm going to say about that. I also talk about friendships
in my book as well. At the end, someone said, should I
still be friends with a person if they flake every time we make plans to
hang out? More than likely the answer is going to be no, because
it's obviously apparent to me that you probably care about your friends showing up,
and if they keep flaking, then what the fuck's the point? I would
maybe have a conversation and tell them, like you value somebody who is showing
up, and like it seems like they haven't really been and you can kind
of see from there. But I would say, like the short answer is
no. Some's like, can you make a discord for us to be friends?
I actually, okay. The reason why I'm kind of saying like maybe,
but like maybe it will be layered down the line is because I don't
like to promote or yeah, I guess like promote things that I genuinely am
not using. I don't understand, and I don't I literally don't know how
to create a discord. I don't. So maybe if somebody in the community
like wants to, like, I don't use discord, I'm not a discord
girly, I feel like that's like, yeah, I just I don't know.
I don't know how to like even do any of that, and honestly,
personally, like right now, I'm managing so many things like it.
I would love that for you guys, but I try to do a Facebook
group like years ago and I did that, but like it's really hard to
kind of like manage and stuff. So I don't really know what that would
entail. But if anyone wants to reach out to me and like if you
want to like create something, but honestly, like just comments on the YouTube
videos, honestly, and I've seen a lot of people like start a comment
thread and you guys can like message each other from there too, Like it's
I think that that's probably a good start, but honestly, it's just because
I literally don't know how to use discord and I don't know like how to
navigate that at all. But maybe to be continued, someone said, how
can I get into a positive mindset when meeting potential new friends if I have
commitment and trust issues? I think, for sure, addressing your trust issues,
Like have you actually like done anything about that, Like it's one thing
to know that you have trust issues, but it's another to like do that
deep healing work of like emotionally releasing and maybe talking to a therapist or getting
to the root of it. Like I don't really know, but like addressing
your core wounds is the most important thing, Like it's it really is important.
So I don't know how much work you've done on that, but I
think the daily mindset work of changing the way that you're thinking in terms of
like people can and will be trustworthy and even if I don't know them now
or I haven't found them, I'm going to find them mindset, Like coming
back to the optimistic mindset, you have to you have to, like you
have to be optimistic about that, and that takes consistent repetition, and it
takes focus, and it takes like commitment of you being like, Okay,
I'm going to decide to stop spiraling in this narrative of nobody is to be
trusted and I can't find people. So I would honestly say it's like a
daily practice. Someone said, my best friend since birth ghosted me with no
explanation. She is with her boyfriend twenty four seven. Do I reach out
first? So I would say, if if you want to reach out,
try to have no expectations, because I feel like if you reach out and
they don't say what you want to say, then you're just going to be
more disappointed. But if you can kind of like put that like mature logical
mind and like hat on again and be that bigger person and just kind of
reach out and maybe like try to have a conversation with them from a place
of like, hey, like I've just been noticing, well not noticing you
literally notice, so they freaking ghosted you, And I really like value our
friendship and I really want to hear you out and see like what's been going
on in your life that you felt that you needed to ghost you know.
But again, I don't know if the reason why she really just ghosted is
because she cares more about her boyfriend than you, And if that's the case,
then maybe it's like a level of like you're a little bit more mature
right now than her, and I wouldn't expand your energy too much. It's
really obviously unfortunate, But if you really value this friendship, then maybe I
would give it one more go. But I mean, obviously it is very
rude for somebody to ghost you, and I think that there's usually always a
reason and it's usually something to do with with like what they're going through.
So yeah, but no expectation. I would say, someone said, how
would you deal with a narcissist ex best friend if she is still in your
university classroom? Literally, just don't, Like, that's my best advice.
Don't. Why do you feel like you have to deal with her? Just
because she's in your classroom doesn't mean you have to talk to her. You
have to acknowledge her. So if you're dealing with her, my question is
why, like you got to have healthy boundaries if if you're for some reason
still having a conversation or anything like that, don't you don't have to deal
with anything you don't want to, even if they're around you. And I
mean obviously, like if they're like nagging you and like try and talk to
you and this that like maybe you need somebody to like help you get them
away from you and stuff like that. But don't deal with it. Do
not deal with it. It's not healthy for you. You don't need it.
Someone said, how to make friends as a seventeen year old, loneliness
is one of the biggest struggles right now with a broken heart. Mmmm,
seventeen is young, is what I'll say. You have so many chapters and
evolutions of so many more beautiful friendships that you'll be able to make. So
I think the best advice that I can give you is like, honor the
feelings of loneliness. Yes, God, how many times all shit, I've
felt so lonely in my life for so many years when it came to friendship
it's but also even like romantic partner like everything, So I feel that deep
sense of loneliness. But what's helped me through it all is always reminding myself
it's not going to be like this forever. I feel like sometimes when you're
going through a really hard emotion, it feels like it's never ending. But
I think that you just have to remind yourself in those moments, even though
it doesn't really change the feeling, that it will change and you will find
beautiful friendships. You will, You absolutely will. When it comes to like
making friends. I think I kind of already gave you some examples of it.
It's actually a natural process if I'm being honest and just knowing yourself and
coming back to yourself and your goals and what you value. And it will
change over time, but you will find them. Okay, somebody kind of
asked like a bunch of them, So I'm gonna read everything she submitted and
then I'll kind of sum it up. So she said she's struggling with seeing
others be friends with someone you tried to be friends with and you couldn't be
friends with. How to stop ruminating on how I'm assuming that friendship ended years
ago, watching your friends rekindle friendships with someone who was really shitty to you,
and I think that the kind of connects, and how not to think
that you're the problem because that friendship didn't work out, but it's working out
for other people, So there's a lot here. There's a reason why that
friendship didn't work out for you, and You're not a bad person, you're
not a wrong person. You are not any less than just because these people
are connecting over here and you're not. And I know that doesn't take away
the feeling of the real feeling of yes, you're feeling maybe a little bit
left out or like is it something to do with me? But you have
to you got to bring it back to there's just some people that are definitely
not your cup of tea, and there's probably you know, the reason why
that that friendship didn't work out. You are not going to be friends with
everyone, and I think you just have to remind yourself of that when it
comes to watching your friends rekindle friendships with someone who is shitty to you.
I think the best thing that you can do is be vulnerable and tell your
friends like, I'm not trying to dictate who you want to be friends with.
I mean again, if you are, then I don't know. I
personally don't think that that's the best way because I feel like we shouldn't control
people. So it obviously also depends on what that person did. Again,
that's not my expertise because I don't really have those dynamics in friendships, but
I think something that's really important is for you to be vulnerable and tell your
friend like, hey, like I'm not trying to dictate who you're friends with,
but I just need to let you know that, like, it does
really hurt me to see that you are friends with a person that was so
willing to hurt me in whatever ways and kind of see what they say,
like maybe they don't really know the extent, Maybe they don't know how you're
feeling and genuinely how hurt you are. Again, it completely depends on what
it is. And you know, if that person did something really bad and
that friend doesn't really care, then maybe it's like maybe you're going to distance
that person a little bit because you value somebody who really cares about your feelings
and your friendship. And again it's very dependent. But I think also coming
back to the piece of let's try to take our focus away from the thing
that distresses us and put it on something that actually matters over here. And
I know it can be difficult, but it's actually like sometimes when we get
into fight or flight, we're like anxious, we're like hyper focus on something
we don't really under like we really don't are not aware of just how much
that spotlight is on the thing that like literally is actually not helpful for us.
So, you know, I don't know how much you're thinking about these
people. You're watching these people, you're moving around these people, but kind
of removing yourself, whether that be taking some time off of social media,
if you're watching their lives all the time, the sorry their lives all the
time. Maybe it is putting your energy maybe into some of your habits and
your goals and your routines. I always find for myself when I find I'm
hyper focused on something that's just distressing me, let's say I'm going to bring
it back to a romantic relationship. I used to do this all the time.
When I would be hyper aware of when somebody was pulling away from me,
it was always because I wasn't I was pulled away from myself. I
was actually pulled away from myself. And that's why I was so able to
see that that person was literally like every move, every message, every minute
that they didn't respond to me. I was so aware of that because I
was actually very much so removed from myself. And when I would bring back
that energy and be like okay, damn, like I got a to do
list to do, Like I got these routines that I haven't been on.
I haven't been sleeping right, I haven't been prioritizing these people who really love
me over here. I haven't been doing those things. And when I put
my attention on that that thing goes away. You know that thing goes away.
That person either chases you back or you know that person goes away.
So I think that's my best advice. But I also have seen some of
your questions before, and I know that you are very strong, and you're
very you're very self aware, and you know that you're going through this process
of just learning and being with yourself right now. So I have every single
faith in my bone that you are going to get through this and you're going
to see this out and it's gonna be beautiful, and this is a part
of your journey. And I think that like bringing it back to any friendship
or relationship thing that you're going through, like remind yourself that what you're going
through right now is actually a very big part of your bigger picture that you're
trying to even get to. And I even said this on my in my
vlog on like one of my actually not my older vlogs. It has a
out. Yeah, I was saying, sometimes we're always looking for the answer
outside of us to help us feel good. But what I have found is
that your answer is actually in your problem. Genuinely, your answer is in
your problem. So stop trying to dance around your problem, stop trying to
find everyone else to fix it, stop trying to run away from it,
Go through it, pull out the wisdom and the puzzle piece that you actually
need for how you're going to really up level your life. And I promise
you you will, Like it might take a little bit, but you will
see that this was the actual thing that you needed to up level the things
in your life. But I think sometimes we just look at what we're going
through in our lives that that might be really shitty, and we're like,
oh, I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to go
through this. Why do I have to go through this? This is not
what I want, this is not fair, and all those things and all
those feelings are true. But at the same time, this thing that you're
going through right now is actually a very big key to where you're gonna go
in your future. So that's all I say about that. Someone said,
what do you do when a friend makes passive aggressive comments to you? Address
it? Call that bitch out in the nicest way. Just address it with
them, and if they don't see what you're talking about, remove yourself.
You're probably more self aware than them. Someone said, thoughts on keeping a
best d slash making friendships last. I think it really just comes down to
like understanding that friendships take effort and work the same way it does, romantic
relationships the same way it does, getting results in the gym, the same
way it does, healing the same way it does for everything in different ways.
Yes, and you have to find what works for you, and you
have to find different type of communication that works in this that at the end
of the day, it's like it does require a level of you and that
person being on that same page. And I think what really makes friendships last
for me, and I think about this when it comes to my friend Joyee,
is we just we think the same, we communicate the same way.
We are kind of in that same phase of life of like I need this
amount from you, but I'm good with everything else. Like you just really
got to get on that same page. And I think that that's how you're
gonna find relationships that last the most, and it's not gonna be from everyone,
and just know that, like I don't expect to have like every single
friendship that I currently have right now last me until I'm frickin eighty years old.
Obviously I would love that, And I'm not trying to paint the picture
as if I'm like planning on losing these friends, but I just know that
like a few solid friends that you can put in that effort will go a
very very long way. And just understand that there's different seasons of your life
but also different friends for different things sometimes and that's okay, and personally for
me, it actually makes me feel very supported. I think that I feel
if like if I were to like feel into what the energy feels like around
me, when I think about my friendships currently right now now, I feel
like there's like a circle around me, like there's a there's like a very
grounded, very supported circle where I have like all my different friends who are
here in different aspects and I communicate with them in different ways, and they
they're they're ebbing and flowing in my life. And on top of that,
each person is connected to other people who I feel energetically I'm supported by,
even if I like don't really talk to them. And on top of that,
when it comes to opportunities and because maybe a side note, the reason
why we care so much about networks and friendships is also like a safety thing.
It's literally like a primal thing. And this is why we're so attracted
a lot of the times to men who have a lot of like friend groups
or they have networking. Like when we think about businessmen and men who are
successful, it's not just about money, and we can have a whole conversation
about this. It's not just about money, but money of course, what
is that equal equals safety at the end of the day, equal safety.
So it's not a bad thing that you want to like be with somebody who's
successful, obviously, but another thing, at least for me when I've grown
into being a very healthy version of me, when I see a man who
is connected and has friends and not even about money, but like knows how
to have conversations with people who have you know, some good best friends that
they've known each other for a long time, or they have good relationships.
Things like that. To me, that signals a lot of safety and like
if there was anything to ever go wrong, I could lean on him,
but he could also lean on his community as well. And I think about
that with my own life with my friends, like I can lean on these
people if I need, which is really great, even though I don't need,
I really like, am gonna be okay. It obviously signals to my
nervous system that I'm safe, but also the friends that I have, the
industries that they're in, I feel supported because like my best friend, she's
really into the finances, like she's got me on that that that side of
things, Like she's helped me up level my friend, and it says a
lot, and I feel like if I have questions, she's there tests.
She's interested in marketing and content a lot, so like she's like my marketing
and content friend, where I feel like it's very supportive. Obviously I don't
just go to her for that, and like I'm supported in many different aspects
from her, but that for sure one of my friends needs you. She's
very spiritually connected. I feel like if I were to ever need to talk
to somebody about that, that's the person I'm going to go to. My
friend Frida super super into health and fitness and like wellness and just like and
also spirituality a lot, and she's very positive, and I just know that
I'm supported in that if I ever need that type of energy. My friend
Rachel, she's very very spiritually but also like uh somatically and trauma informed and
like very wise and like so much wisdom and things like that. My friend
Kendra, like she is this girl who she's book smart, she's very very
smart, independent and whatever. But she feels like a sister to me.
So I feel like home to her, but like she feels like home to
me. Sorry, but also she's very connected in the terms, like she's
very like street smurt and I see this. I say that in the best
way. I don't say it in like a shitty, like gross, like
grimy way. She's very street. She knows how to move in different like
social circles and just she's connected in all these ways and I feel connected,
Like I feel supported in that way. So like I have a lot of
people, and there's many other friends that I have, but I feel like
there's many people in my life that make me feel supported in that way.
So it's always like great to like be connected with people who are not always
the same as you as well. And also actually, maybe one other thing
that I was gonna say about female friendships with traits and stuff is I look
for friends who also have really like good concepts of like being in relationships as
well. Like I have a lot of friends who are in healthy relationships,
or if they're single, they're working on healthy relationships, or they're like calling
themselves out if they're you know, going through something like whatever. Like they're
very self aware, and I think that I never actually understood the importance of
being with or having friends who have really healthy relationships, like who are with
men who are really healthy? It actually it shows me and sets the standards
of what I should be looking for. But I also feel supported because these
guys are also like they would kind of like do anything for me as well,
because like obviously indirectly, like I'm friends with the like DUI. Yeah.
Anyways, So I guess that's all I'll say and listen, all of
that took a lot of time. It took me connecting to myself, and
it took me being vulnerable and breaking down those barriers. It didn't just come
to me on a silver platter. I had to do the work and it
was uncomfortable at sometimes, but that's kind of where I'm at right now.
Will my friendships and yeah, friendships change over the years, probably and I
will have to do another updated video, I guess. So I hope you
guys I enjoyed. Today was a very long episode, oh my gosh,
but I feel like I really covered everything that I needed to. Let me
know what you would like to see next by commenting on YouTube. If you're
watching on YouTube, don't forget to subscribe as well. And if you're on
Spotify, you can submit or you can just DM me on the Instagram whatever
it is. I hope you guys have an amazing day and I'll see the
next one. Bye.