WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:11.279 This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great Love Debate. It's 2 00:00:11.279 --> 00:00:17.719 the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate. 3 00:00:18.039 --> 00:00:22.359 Hi again everyone, It's Brian Howie. Welcome to The Great Love Debate, 4 00:00:22.399 --> 00:00:26.760 the world's number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I'm back 5 00:00:26.760 --> 00:00:32.039 here in the very fine studios of Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. It 6 00:00:32.079 --> 00:00:36.479 is what they call this season down here. It's very festive. It's fun, 7 00:00:36.600 --> 00:00:40.560 it's nice, sunny, all the good things. Uh. We've been 8 00:00:40.560 --> 00:00:43.119 doing this podcast, as you guys know, a long long time, and 9 00:00:43.960 --> 00:00:47.719 the overwhelming majority of our episodes, we always are trying to push that the 10 00:00:47.799 --> 00:00:53.119 motivating factors when it comes to love, dating relationships are hope and possibilities, 11 00:00:53.399 --> 00:00:55.759 and we always want to say that things are rooted in that, and all 12 00:00:55.799 --> 00:00:58.399 the good things are rooted in that. Yes, I stand by all that. 13 00:00:58.560 --> 00:01:00.119 Let's put that over on the on the side here for a second, 14 00:01:00.359 --> 00:01:03.280 because I want to get into something a little deeper, a little more complicated. 15 00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:04.879 I got a real pro is going to come in and help me in 16 00:01:04.920 --> 00:01:10.200 a second. But so much of our dating and I just talk about this 17 00:01:10.239 --> 00:01:11.760 at our live shows back in the day. It really put a downer on 18 00:01:11.799 --> 00:01:15.040 it, so I stopped talking about it, which is a little bit dishonest. 19 00:01:15.200 --> 00:01:22.640 But so much of how we date, love exist in relationships is rooted 20 00:01:22.680 --> 00:01:26.920 in fear. It affects how we date, it affects who we date, 21 00:01:29.319 --> 00:01:33.480 even why and when everything is somewhat rooted in fear and fear can be a 22 00:01:33.560 --> 00:01:36.760 motivated thing, motivating thing, but a lot of times it holds us back, 23 00:01:37.120 --> 00:01:40.040 not just in dating, but in the changes we want to make in 24 00:01:40.040 --> 00:01:42.760 our lives that's going to lead to, hopefully something better. So I want 25 00:01:42.799 --> 00:01:46.239 to take a deep dive on that. I hate to bring her. She 26 00:01:46.239 --> 00:01:49.200 could probably talk about a lot of things, but I know I heard her 27 00:01:49.200 --> 00:01:51.760 say something about this, and I'm going to tell her what she said that 28 00:01:51.799 --> 00:01:56.079 I thought was so interesting. She is an empowerment coach. She's the host 29 00:01:56.200 --> 00:02:00.000 of the Bravo Unscripted podcast. She knows a lot about a lot of things. 30 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:00.560 Like I said, I had to bring a pro when I take on 31 00:02:01.560 --> 00:02:06.959 the lovely Susanne Bravo, how are you? I'm amazing and thank you so 32 00:02:07.079 --> 00:02:10.199 much for that introduction. I think I might just like have you come around 33 00:02:10.199 --> 00:02:15.080 with me and just introduce me to people. That was really great, except 34 00:02:15.080 --> 00:02:17.199 for the fear part. I heard you say once and I was like, 35 00:02:17.240 --> 00:02:22.039 oh my god, that's smart. That The old adage that when you fall 36 00:02:22.039 --> 00:02:24.080 off a horse, you got to get right back on is the way people 37 00:02:24.120 --> 00:02:27.599 are sort of told to live their lives, and a lot of people do 38 00:02:27.639 --> 00:02:30.120 that. They jump from relationship to relationship, they jump from experience to experience. 39 00:02:30.719 --> 00:02:34.080 And I heard you say that before you get back on the horse, 40 00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:36.759 you got to kind of figure out why you're sitting in the mud, Like 41 00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:39.879 what am I doing down here? Like why do I keep do these patterns? 42 00:02:39.919 --> 00:02:44.840 Why do I keep? And people are so afraid not just to look 43 00:02:44.840 --> 00:02:47.039 in to do any analysis on the mistake they made, or on the situation 44 00:02:47.080 --> 00:02:50.840 they got themselves into, I think a lot of times because they don't want 45 00:02:50.840 --> 00:02:53.879 to take ownership of it. That guy hurt me, he was a bad 46 00:02:53.919 --> 00:02:58.520 guy, that relationship wasn't right, I did this, or whatever, because 47 00:02:58.520 --> 00:03:00.800 they're afraid to look too close, which is the growth we all need, 48 00:03:00.919 --> 00:03:04.960 sort of self analysis. I think people are afraid to do that, which 49 00:03:05.039 --> 00:03:09.240 drives a lot of decisions. When it comes to love, it is so 50 00:03:09.360 --> 00:03:14.719 much easier to blame the other person than it is to look within, because 51 00:03:15.400 --> 00:03:21.800 that requires vulnerability. That requires also debunking the belief that if we made a 52 00:03:21.840 --> 00:03:24.719 mistake, we did something wrong, and we need to throw that belief out 53 00:03:24.719 --> 00:03:30.159 the window because it's not true. Like we're all we're human beings. We're 54 00:03:30.159 --> 00:03:34.800 all humans on this planet having a human experience by the time we get to 55 00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:38.479 this stage in our life when we're dating. I love what you said about 56 00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:43.599 joy and optimism and hope, but let's face it, we've all been burned, 57 00:03:43.599 --> 00:03:47.280 and we've all been burned more than once. And that requires every time 58 00:03:47.360 --> 00:03:52.159 you get burned, getting back up and getting out there again. And a 59 00:03:52.199 --> 00:03:54.800 lot of people do. They just keep repeating the same patterns because they don't 60 00:03:54.840 --> 00:03:59.560 take that time, they don't look within. You're right, and we are. 61 00:03:59.759 --> 00:04:01.280 You know, we're making a lot of decisions based on that. I've 62 00:04:01.319 --> 00:04:04.759 always said that the men are afraid of being rejected and the women are afraid 63 00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:06.879 of being hurt. But I think there's a little bit of that on both 64 00:04:06.919 --> 00:04:12.759 sides, which is why people are so deeply committed now to online dating. 65 00:04:12.840 --> 00:04:15.919 Because in online dating, before you get to the point where you might be 66 00:04:15.960 --> 00:04:18.800 rejected or hurt, you get some sort of validation, some sort of match, 67 00:04:18.839 --> 00:04:21.800 some sort of swipe that lets you take that baby step, versus just 68 00:04:21.839 --> 00:04:25.560 in real life, going for it the way we used to have to do 69 00:04:25.600 --> 00:04:29.639 it. Even on the fact if you are in a relationship, I'm afraid 70 00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:31.879 to get out of a bad relationship because I don't know what's possible. I'd 71 00:04:31.959 --> 00:04:35.439 rather sit in a bad seat than no seat. And a lot of the 72 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:40.920 decisions are based on the unknown, which is scary, or it's based on 73 00:04:40.959 --> 00:04:46.480 the fact that I don't want anything that might be worse. Yes, and 74 00:04:48.560 --> 00:04:55.759 that online dating is great, but what online dating has also done is it 75 00:04:55.800 --> 00:05:01.360 has given people way too many options. What is that It means that it 76 00:05:01.480 --> 00:05:05.680 used to be to find somebody to date, you had to go out and 77 00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:11.160 mingle in the world, and you had to go to restaurants or bars or 78 00:05:11.240 --> 00:05:15.800 parks or wherever it was that you found your people, and you know, 79 00:05:15.879 --> 00:05:17.319 at the end of the night, you know, after your date, like 80 00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:21.439 he went home, you went home, and you know, maybe you talked 81 00:05:21.439 --> 00:05:26.439 on the phone or whatever. But now like everybody's going home and if they're 82 00:05:26.439 --> 00:05:29.480 on dating sites, you know, maybe they're scrolling the dating site. They've 83 00:05:29.480 --> 00:05:31.160 got a million other people, or maybe they're going on the date. Okay, 84 00:05:31.240 --> 00:05:34.279 I've heard that brought up to me. Here's where I counter that. 85 00:05:35.720 --> 00:05:39.600 Every time you leave your house to go to the gym, to go to 86 00:05:39.600 --> 00:05:43.480 work, to go get some food, whatever you are through the course of 87 00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:46.480 a day, any day in any reasonably sized city like Boca Raton, Florida, 88 00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:50.639 you are going to be within ten yards of one thousand people of the 89 00:05:50.680 --> 00:05:56.839 opposite sex. Every single day. You're going to be within ten yards of 90 00:05:56.839 --> 00:05:59.160 a thousand men. I'm want to be in ten yards of a thousand women 91 00:05:59.199 --> 00:06:02.879 if that's your preference, unless you're giving yourself a real bad case of carpal 92 00:06:02.879 --> 00:06:09.000 tunnel syndrome swiping. You're never gonna swipe on a thousand possibilities. So I 93 00:06:09.040 --> 00:06:14.160 believe that people think that is a pool of safer opportunity than looking at Oh 94 00:06:14.199 --> 00:06:17.519 my god, all these people here. I don't know how to engage with 95 00:06:17.560 --> 00:06:20.120 them. I don't know how to approach them. I don't know how to 96 00:06:20.160 --> 00:06:25.279 recognize the possibilities that I talked about. You know, and if you did 97 00:06:25.279 --> 00:06:27.920 the math on that, and you're like, Okay, if I had a 98 00:06:28.040 --> 00:06:34.800 chance to engage with all thousand people for five minutes each. How many do 99 00:06:34.839 --> 00:06:38.519 you think you could possibly have a spark with that could lead to falling in 100 00:06:38.560 --> 00:06:43.879 love. I don't know, six seven, something like that. And you 101 00:06:44.319 --> 00:06:46.240 can kind of look at that like needle in a haystack, like that's not 102 00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:48.879 a big percentage. But if you looked at every single day of your life, 103 00:06:48.879 --> 00:06:51.319 as long as you in a course of a year, if you left 104 00:06:51.360 --> 00:06:54.439 your house, there's six or seven a day over a course of a year, 105 00:06:54.480 --> 00:06:58.240 that's two thousand people that you could fall in love with if you engaged 106 00:06:58.240 --> 00:07:01.360 with them. So the fear that I'm talking about is the fear for that 107 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:05.959 that seems overwhelming, that seems like I don't even know how to go about 108 00:07:06.040 --> 00:07:10.600 finding these people. So I'm gonna go I'm gonna narrow my criteria. I'm 109 00:07:10.600 --> 00:07:14.560 going to go into my online platform and at least be like, oh, 110 00:07:14.600 --> 00:07:16.800 that's where the options are. We didn't use to date that way, no, 111 00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:23.959 And it's it definitely provides much greater opportunities than you do because you have 112 00:07:24.079 --> 00:07:27.680 access to a lot more people. But the key, and it kind of 113 00:07:27.720 --> 00:07:30.199 goes back a little bit to how you open this conversation, is it all 114 00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:35.959 comes down to fear and that fear of not wanting to be vulnerable, right, 115 00:07:36.040 --> 00:07:39.560 Because I don't care where you meet somebody, if you meet them in 116 00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:41.600 the grocery store, if you meet them in a park, you meet them 117 00:07:41.639 --> 00:07:48.040 online. A successful relationship depends on vulnerability. I agree, and I think 118 00:07:48.120 --> 00:07:53.800 that there is. I think there's a lot of unhappy people. There's a 119 00:07:53.800 --> 00:07:58.360 lot, but I think there's a larger pool of people now twenty twenty three, 120 00:07:58.399 --> 00:08:03.199 as we record this Erica doing the work and going to especially the men, 121 00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:09.680 going to the scary place of vulnerability, of asking questions, of trying 122 00:08:09.680 --> 00:08:13.360 to find answers that has ever existed. And I think, just like you 123 00:08:13.439 --> 00:08:18.839 said, the lack of judgment is probably gonna take a generation for everybody to 124 00:08:18.920 --> 00:08:22.920 understand like there's good in doing that, especially for the men. The men 125 00:08:22.959 --> 00:08:24.079 are so used to I have to be strong, nothing wrong with me, 126 00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:28.800 and they bury all this anger and fear within themselves and it manifests itself in 127 00:08:28.839 --> 00:08:31.879 a lot of bad ways. But the more women that can put out there 128 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:35.000 like this is a good thing. I know you're fucked up, as long 129 00:08:35.039 --> 00:08:39.600 as you know we can work with this together, you know. I think 130 00:08:39.639 --> 00:08:43.159 there is an environment now where more and more women are telling the men. 131 00:08:43.039 --> 00:08:46.440 I like that you're doing the work. I like that you're going to therapy. 132 00:08:46.639 --> 00:08:50.960 I like that you're asking questions and you are vulnerable, which for generations 133 00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:54.919 we weren't taught to do that. Yes, and I want to applaud all 134 00:08:56.000 --> 00:09:00.440 of the men who are looking at themselves and are doing the work and are 135 00:09:00.480 --> 00:09:03.679 really bucking up against what the system has told them their whole life. Because 136 00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:05.879 exactly what you said, men are supposed to be strong. Men aren't supposed 137 00:09:05.879 --> 00:09:11.080 to have feelings. Men boys don't cry, right, I mean, and 138 00:09:11.120 --> 00:09:18.039 it's men shoulder so much responsibility and it's unfair. It is patently unfair. 139 00:09:18.600 --> 00:09:20.399 And you know, for women, we're supposed to be vulnerable and emotional, 140 00:09:22.039 --> 00:09:26.759 but men they're not supposed to. But they have pain, they have things 141 00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:28.759 that they've been through, They've been hurt, they've had their hearts broken. 142 00:09:30.559 --> 00:09:33.279 Why do they have to just suck it up and not deal with it? 143 00:09:33.399 --> 00:09:35.559 You're right, And the women kind of are taught to deal with it from 144 00:09:35.559 --> 00:09:37.960 the age of fourteen. The guys at jerk and you build up a little 145 00:09:37.960 --> 00:09:41.519 bit of scar tissue and learn how to process, and your friends will get 146 00:09:41.639 --> 00:09:43.960 the men will, their friends will scatter. There are so many men that 147 00:09:45.039 --> 00:09:48.639 might be in their thirties, forties, fifties who are carrying around either anger 148 00:09:50.080 --> 00:09:54.320 or heartbreak from some girl in high school who might not have even known they 149 00:09:54.360 --> 00:10:00.639 existed. You know, some incident, some rejection that scarred them and wounded 150 00:10:00.679 --> 00:10:03.879 them so badly that who knows how this is going to turn on. You 151 00:10:03.879 --> 00:10:07.200 can be in a relationship with somebody for eight years and not knowing something could 152 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:09.320 trigger him, and then it's like ugh, But back to the fear thing. 153 00:10:09.320 --> 00:10:11.960 The women can't operate that way either, and it's really hard for the 154 00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:16.679 women to date not knowing is this a time bomb? Is this guy a 155 00:10:16.720 --> 00:10:18.600 basket case? Is this guy angry? Is this guy whatever? Because you 156 00:10:18.639 --> 00:10:22.919 can't read either how much work he's done or how much work he needs to 157 00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:26.039 do, And you don't want to lead on a date with so how fucked 158 00:10:26.120 --> 00:10:31.679 up are you? Can I have the number of your therapists so that I 159 00:10:31.720 --> 00:10:37.559 can call her and get exactly yeah, And it goes to what I was 160 00:10:37.600 --> 00:10:41.320 saying, When you fall off the horse, you don't just get back on. 161 00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:46.440 This vulnerability and this doing the work and this asking the questions is sitting 162 00:10:46.519 --> 00:10:48.679 in the mud and saying, Okay, that didn't work out the way that 163 00:10:48.759 --> 00:10:54.200 I wanted it to, Right, What can I do differently in the future? 164 00:10:54.639 --> 00:10:58.519 Where do I need to focus attention? Because it's not When we blame 165 00:10:58.559 --> 00:11:03.559 the other person, you're putting your control outside of yourself. You're trying to 166 00:11:03.600 --> 00:11:05.799 change somebody else, and we can never do that. And in that you 167 00:11:05.840 --> 00:11:11.559 give all of your power away. You can't change them. It's about you. 168 00:11:11.559 --> 00:11:15.279 You can't write and we are trying to always. We're either trying to 169 00:11:15.399 --> 00:11:18.559 change them for us or we're changing them into something that we believe we can 170 00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:24.519 handle because we're afraid of the unknown. And everybody's different, Every relationship is 171 00:11:24.559 --> 00:11:28.759 different. And going down that path with somebody and all you know is what 172 00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:33.120 didn't work out with the last people and all the people before, that's scary 173 00:11:33.159 --> 00:11:37.039 because there's no guide. And even if it's going well for a lot of 174 00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:39.240 people, this is the first time I've ever felt this way, is the 175 00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:43.679 first time ever. That's scary because you don't necessarily trust it either. You 176 00:11:43.679 --> 00:11:46.960 don't trust the shoes gonna drop. You're not gonna trust this. Good feelings 177 00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:52.360 scare people too, right, So in that fear of oh my god, 178 00:11:52.399 --> 00:11:54.559 this feels really good. When is the next sho you're going to drop? 179 00:11:54.080 --> 00:11:58.159 What do we try to do? Would most of us go to a space 180 00:11:58.200 --> 00:12:01.440 of control. Okay, so I can control every little thing about this person, 181 00:12:01.559 --> 00:12:05.080 everything about this environment, everything about this relationship, then I can make 182 00:12:05.120 --> 00:12:09.919 it successful. And when you try to control that, you smother it and 183 00:12:11.360 --> 00:12:15.679 probably end up chasing the other person away. Because we have no control over 184 00:12:16.039 --> 00:12:20.919 anything except the only thing we have control over is our response to stimulus, 185 00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:24.799 right, and sometimes we don't have control over that either, or which is 186 00:12:24.799 --> 00:12:28.080 why a lot of people that's where the work comes in. But that's where 187 00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:31.399 the alcoholic that works in. Yeah, I agree, that's where the work 188 00:12:31.399 --> 00:12:33.279 comes in. So you know, before you get to know the other person 189 00:12:33.399 --> 00:12:37.799 or even know the relationship, you really have to spend some time knowing yourself. 190 00:12:37.879 --> 00:12:39.840 A lot of people really take it for granted that they know. No, 191 00:12:41.000 --> 00:12:43.759 you only know how you might react in certain things that happened before. 192 00:12:43.840 --> 00:12:48.879 You might not know how you react to good things, bad things, scary 193 00:12:48.879 --> 00:12:52.679 things, new things. I imagine the first time somebody gets engaged, gets 194 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:58.799 married, all of that has kids. The joy is tempered by the unknown, 195 00:12:58.919 --> 00:13:01.240 the fear. Is this the way this is supposed to be? Is 196 00:13:01.240 --> 00:13:03.639 this how I'm supposed to feel? Is this the way this is supposed to 197 00:13:03.639 --> 00:13:07.320 look like? And then if you don't get this sort of paint by numbers 198 00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:13.000 response to the stimuli, then you think there's something wrong with you. And 199 00:13:13.320 --> 00:13:18.480 we tend to project our beliefs and our feelings about things onto other people. 200 00:13:18.960 --> 00:13:22.919 So if you're somebody that's been hurt in a relationship, maybe somebody that you 201 00:13:22.919 --> 00:13:24.679 were in a relationship with broke your heart, maybe they cheated on you, 202 00:13:26.080 --> 00:13:30.559 so you walk into every relationship after that expecting that to happen again, right, 203 00:13:30.639 --> 00:13:33.960 And then a lot of times when you're in a relationship, you're you're 204 00:13:33.320 --> 00:13:37.399 dating the ghosts of the guys who came before you or the girls who came 205 00:13:37.440 --> 00:13:41.399 before you, and whatever they did, and you don't know what's going to 206 00:13:41.399 --> 00:13:45.480 either be a trigger or reminder. And all this comes down to positive communication. 207 00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:50.879 But two people in a new relationship aren't necessarily comfortable having that talk, 208 00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:54.440 and two people in a relationship for a while aren't never a hey, can 209 00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:58.120 we talk about something? And then everybody's like, wait, what I thought? 210 00:13:58.120 --> 00:14:00.480 We're fine, We've been together eight years and you want to talk about 211 00:14:00.519 --> 00:14:03.559 this like scary either way, and then you bring up something that triggers the 212 00:14:03.559 --> 00:14:09.000 other person and sends them into you know, they start time traveling back into 213 00:14:09.039 --> 00:14:11.960 the past and things that came up and those feelings and those emotions and they 214 00:14:11.000 --> 00:14:16.679 start projecting them. And you know, I found for myself, I did 215 00:14:16.679 --> 00:14:18.200 a lot of work, a lot of therapy, and you can think you 216 00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:22.039 have all of these things in order, but when you get in relationship with 217 00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:26.879 another person, that is when all your shit will come up, like every 218 00:14:26.879 --> 00:14:31.919 bit of it while you're in relationship and communication. I love what you said 219 00:14:31.919 --> 00:14:35.919 about that, because communication is the key because you have to talk about these 220 00:14:35.960 --> 00:14:39.480 things. I know it's really hard, but you have to talk about them. 221 00:14:39.519 --> 00:14:43.879 You have to know where that person is coming from, and you have 222 00:14:43.960 --> 00:14:46.960 to figure out a way to come together. And you have to be confident 223 00:14:48.879 --> 00:14:50.639 that the communication, if it's going to occur, and it should occur, 224 00:14:52.440 --> 00:14:56.799 will come from and to a place of no judgment. That's going to come 225 00:14:56.919 --> 00:15:03.200 and go to a place of honesty, sharing, growing, and hopefully the 226 00:15:03.320 --> 00:15:09.159 purpose of the of the conversation shouldn't be confrontation that you've been like let's see 227 00:15:09.159 --> 00:15:15.399 if we can get either through this place or to this place together with You 228 00:15:15.440 --> 00:15:18.440 bring up that word all the time. It's a hard word interpret is vulnerability, 229 00:15:18.600 --> 00:15:22.240 you know it is. I never take my glasses off because I feel 230 00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:26.919 too exposed. It's true, it's hard. You're putting your heart and soul 231 00:15:28.000 --> 00:15:31.919 on the table with another person, and you know, having no judgment in 232 00:15:31.960 --> 00:15:37.879 these conversations is the key and the other thing to understand. My therapist actually 233 00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:39.480 said this to me a few years ago, and it hit me pretty hard. 234 00:15:39.919 --> 00:15:43.360 When you're having a conversation with the person you're in relationship with and there's 235 00:15:43.399 --> 00:15:48.000 an issue, it is not you against each other. It is not you 236 00:15:48.039 --> 00:15:50.159 against him or him against you. It is the two of you against the 237 00:15:50.159 --> 00:15:56.240 problem. And how do you work through that problem together? And how do 238 00:15:56.279 --> 00:16:00.639 you open up that space of vulnerability where he can share and you can share 239 00:16:00.840 --> 00:16:06.120 and there's no judgment and there's acknowledgment. I hear you, I see you. 240 00:16:07.000 --> 00:16:08.320 I want to be there for you. How can I support you? 241 00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:11.639 That's a good point I brought. I did a whole episode on that that 242 00:16:11.639 --> 00:16:14.039 people don't want to necessarily be right, but they do want to be heard 243 00:16:14.440 --> 00:16:18.000 that's a challenge though, when you're bringing up something that you perceive to be 244 00:16:18.080 --> 00:16:22.679 a problem or an issue and the other person thinks it's no big deal and 245 00:16:22.679 --> 00:16:26.720 then they're like, oh, it's fine or whatever, but it's important to 246 00:16:26.759 --> 00:16:30.799 you, and so finding out a way to bring that person to the negotiating 247 00:16:30.840 --> 00:16:34.759 table. First the chore is to get them to even understand that this is 248 00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:38.159 an issue. It's a problem. And that's hard too, and that's afrase 249 00:16:38.159 --> 00:16:41.240 because when they don't react to yeah, I want to talk about that too, 250 00:16:42.200 --> 00:16:44.679 and they're just kind of like, why do you want to talk about 251 00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:48.080 that, then you tend to retreat because then it's hard to be vulnerable in 252 00:16:48.080 --> 00:16:52.720 that spot because you're then defending the right to have the conversation before you can 253 00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:57.639 get the conversation right. So the goal you want to be in a place 254 00:16:57.639 --> 00:17:00.639 where the goal is not to be right. Do you want to be right 255 00:17:00.759 --> 00:17:04.720 or do you want to have healthy relationship, because oftentimes you can have both 256 00:17:06.160 --> 00:17:11.920 and there is a negotiation, and it is about again vulnerability, saying to 257 00:17:11.960 --> 00:17:14.880 your partner, I know this might not be a big deal to you, 258 00:17:14.960 --> 00:17:18.319 but it is very important to me, and then ask for what you need 259 00:17:18.319 --> 00:17:22.599 in that right. So it would be very helpful to me if you could 260 00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:26.960 X Y Z. A lot of people know what they don't want or don't 261 00:17:27.039 --> 00:17:30.440 like, and they haven't spent nearly as much time thinking about what they do 262 00:17:30.519 --> 00:17:33.119 want and do like. And it's really hard for the other person to know 263 00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:34.880 that because most people are so rooted in the negative, we're going to be 264 00:17:34.920 --> 00:17:37.240 rooted in some positive I got to take a quick break because we have to 265 00:17:37.240 --> 00:17:41.680 pay for positive things around here. I'm with Susette Bravo, and we're taking 266 00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:45.519 a deep dive on some scary shit. But we will be back right after 267 00:17:45.720 --> 00:17:52.599 this. And we are back. So I've heard you talk about this before 268 00:17:53.680 --> 00:18:00.000 and it fascinated me. What was your moment where You're like, I need 269 00:18:00.039 --> 00:18:04.079 to talk to somebody, I need some help. Was there a moment or 270 00:18:04.119 --> 00:18:07.799 time where like, therapy is an option to me? Like, you didn't 271 00:18:07.799 --> 00:18:11.680 just come out of the womb asking these questions. No, it was a 272 00:18:12.039 --> 00:18:15.599 I fell in the mud. I was sitting in the mud, and I 273 00:18:15.680 --> 00:18:18.839 was like, why am I in the mud again? Like I keep getting 274 00:18:18.920 --> 00:18:21.119 up and getting back on the horse, and now I'm back in the mud. 275 00:18:21.319 --> 00:18:26.599 And there was this moment where I was like, oh, it's me, 276 00:18:27.480 --> 00:18:32.759 Like, it's me, I'm the problem. And that's when I was 277 00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:36.160 like, Okay, I need to do better. I need to do better 278 00:18:36.519 --> 00:18:40.880 for me. Right, isn't it better? And people don't want that. 279 00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:45.279 The one you can work on and change is you. It should be a 280 00:18:45.319 --> 00:18:48.400 relief to know the problem is you. Right, people don't want to take 281 00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:51.119 that burden out. I can work on me. I can't work on society 282 00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:56.359 exactly. And that's why when you blame and you put everything on society and 283 00:18:56.400 --> 00:19:00.720 everything outside of you, you have just essentially given all of your power away, 284 00:19:00.880 --> 00:19:03.799 every bit of it. Right, you have no power in the world 285 00:19:03.799 --> 00:19:07.880 outside of yourself. So look at you and look at how you can show 286 00:19:07.960 --> 00:19:11.240 up better in the world, because, let's face it, lead by example. 287 00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:18.559 If you want a healthy, loving relationship, create love and creativity within 288 00:19:18.599 --> 00:19:22.279 yourself. Yeah, the old line, don't worry about things you can't control 289 00:19:22.319 --> 00:19:25.680 because if you can't control them, don't worry about them. And don't worry 290 00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:27.640 about things you can control because if you can control them, don't worry about 291 00:19:27.640 --> 00:19:32.319 them. Easier said than done. But so let's get into that concept for 292 00:19:32.359 --> 00:19:34.400 a minute, the concept of self love. It's very nebulous, it's very 293 00:19:36.279 --> 00:19:38.039 catchy, it's very manifesting, and self love over anything, but it's a 294 00:19:38.039 --> 00:19:47.079 real thing. I believe that self love is the willingness to pull the rock 295 00:19:47.200 --> 00:19:51.559 up and let the sun shine on all of the bad stuff that you have 296 00:19:51.720 --> 00:19:53.680 covered up before. And if you're willing to do that, it means you 297 00:19:53.759 --> 00:20:00.000 care enough about yourself, your future, maybe the relationship the people around you 298 00:20:02.440 --> 00:20:06.480 to recognize it at the real race record. I'm not saying fixically recognizing it. 299 00:20:06.880 --> 00:20:11.160 I believe that's the first step. I agree, And self love is 300 00:20:11.319 --> 00:20:17.079 one of my favorite topics because the problem is that we learn over our lifetime 301 00:20:17.759 --> 00:20:19.799 that there are things that we have all done, and we tend to label 302 00:20:19.839 --> 00:20:26.279 them good or bad, and we develop what is often called the shadow self, 303 00:20:26.400 --> 00:20:30.880 which is the part of yourself that maybe you don't put front and center. 304 00:20:30.039 --> 00:20:33.400 You know, it's things that you've done in your past that maybe you 305 00:20:33.440 --> 00:20:37.640 wish you had done differently, And it's okay. We all have a shadow. 306 00:20:37.319 --> 00:20:42.519 We do. And when you can incorporate your shadow into your lights and 307 00:20:42.839 --> 00:20:47.319 accept and honor all of the parts of you, the parts that have made 308 00:20:47.319 --> 00:20:52.119 good decisions, the parts that have made not such good decisions, then you 309 00:20:52.160 --> 00:20:56.400 can move forward from a space of worth. Because what happens when you don't 310 00:20:56.400 --> 00:20:59.759 love yourself is you tend to think that because you don't love yourself, you 311 00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:03.440 don't deserve the things that you want. And if you're walking around in the 312 00:21:03.480 --> 00:21:07.160 world and you want love and you want acceptance, and you want all of 313 00:21:07.160 --> 00:21:11.640 these things, but you don't believe that you deserve them, you will self 314 00:21:11.720 --> 00:21:17.960 sabotage. Deserve is a good word. What do I deserve? And everybody 315 00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:23.240 does deserve to be loved and to feel loved? Amen, What is the 316 00:21:23.240 --> 00:21:26.599 first step to somebody either listening to this or somebody you talk to who's like, 317 00:21:27.559 --> 00:21:30.839 I cannot get I can't even see a possibility of that, Like, 318 00:21:30.960 --> 00:21:33.240 is there one step? I mean everybody, I'm always like, just go 319 00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:36.440 outside for a minute, Like that's the first step? Get off the couch? 320 00:21:37.119 --> 00:21:40.640 Is there a first step towards and picking up a phone? And finding 321 00:21:40.640 --> 00:21:42.920 the right therapist? Is daunting to people too, because not only do you 322 00:21:42.960 --> 00:21:47.039 have to find a therapist, getting in the right relationship with the right therapist 323 00:21:47.160 --> 00:21:49.880 is almost sometimes as hard as getting into relationship with a person. So what 324 00:21:51.000 --> 00:21:56.000 is a step that somebody can can take Who's Like, I've heard you talk 325 00:21:56.000 --> 00:21:57.680 about self love. I think I need to feel about I need What do 326 00:21:57.720 --> 00:22:03.160 people do? Well? First of all, I'm a huge fan of therapy, 327 00:22:03.319 --> 00:22:06.759 but therapy might not be what you need. There's a million different modalities 328 00:22:06.759 --> 00:22:11.319 out there, So first, have an open mind. But the very first 329 00:22:11.359 --> 00:22:14.720 thing that you have to be willing to do, and I'm not saying this 330 00:22:14.839 --> 00:22:18.680 is the easiest, but it is the most important, is you have to 331 00:22:18.720 --> 00:22:22.559 be willing to accept yourself for who and what you are now in this moment. 332 00:22:22.359 --> 00:22:26.440 You cannot change anything that happened in your past, and you have no 333 00:22:26.480 --> 00:22:30.839 control over anything that's going to happen in your future. You have self honesty, 334 00:22:30.240 --> 00:22:34.319 right and if you have been kin o curs Fuck yeah, Okay, 335 00:22:34.759 --> 00:22:38.799 if you've been a shit show your whole life, own it. You can't 336 00:22:38.880 --> 00:22:44.039 change it. You can't. You're where you are today, So accept that 337 00:22:44.079 --> 00:22:47.400 you were a shit show and accept that you want to do better moving forward. 338 00:22:47.960 --> 00:22:51.240 Well, it's like these women who And again I'm not downplaying it your 339 00:22:51.279 --> 00:22:55.400 pain or your experience, but statistically, every guy you date is not a 340 00:22:55.480 --> 00:22:59.720 narcissist. It's statistically impossible. I hate it. I'm like, that's a 341 00:22:59.759 --> 00:23:03.519 real clinical diagnosis, and statistically, it's not that they might not have liked 342 00:23:03.519 --> 00:23:07.039 you and you might not have been likable, and you can't just blame it. 343 00:23:07.079 --> 00:23:08.720 And the more you're just like, I haven't met the right person or 344 00:23:08.759 --> 00:23:12.319 all the men's sock or all. You're never going to get anywhere if you 345 00:23:12.319 --> 00:23:17.640 don't take some degree of ownership around it. First of all, we all 346 00:23:17.680 --> 00:23:22.319 have narcissistic tendencies, every single one of us. We do right, but 347 00:23:23.119 --> 00:23:27.119 yeah, narcissist if that word gets so overused and it makes me a little 348 00:23:27.119 --> 00:23:33.039 bit crazy. But when you can accept where you are okay, So imagine 349 00:23:33.039 --> 00:23:34.680 you're going on vacation, you're going on a road trip and you pull up 350 00:23:34.680 --> 00:23:40.799 your GPS and you want to get to North Carolina. You're going to put 351 00:23:40.799 --> 00:23:44.039 in the address of where you're going, But the second thing your GPS needs 352 00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:47.599 is where are you now? And if you don't acknowledge and accept where you 353 00:23:47.640 --> 00:23:51.920 are now, your directions are going to lead you all over the place. 354 00:23:52.480 --> 00:23:55.799 You have to be okay with who you are. We have this tendency to 355 00:23:56.480 --> 00:24:00.880 look back at our past, at the decisions that we made from the lens 356 00:24:00.920 --> 00:24:03.759 of what we know now, and we judge ourselves for what we did then 357 00:24:03.960 --> 00:24:08.839 based on what we know now, and that's tragic because at the time you 358 00:24:08.880 --> 00:24:12.000 did the best you could with what you had. Right, you might do 359 00:24:12.039 --> 00:24:17.960 different now and that's okay, but except where you are now, because you 360 00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:21.720 can't change it, and what you have in the present moment is the only 361 00:24:21.880 --> 00:24:25.960 place that you have to do any kind of work, any kind of shifting, 362 00:24:25.960 --> 00:24:29.759 any kind of changing, any of that. So even if you believe 363 00:24:29.799 --> 00:24:33.960 it was them, just pretend for a second and like, what about me? 364 00:24:33.160 --> 00:24:38.000 What would I've done differently? And a lot of times the knee jerk 365 00:24:38.039 --> 00:24:41.039 reaction is you don't want to blame yourself. If a reaction a lot of 366 00:24:42.400 --> 00:24:45.480 men and women do this where they're like, oh, if only I had 367 00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:48.200 allowed him to cheat on me more, or if only had allowed him to 368 00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:52.160 bring it up, if only I had done this, And that's not right 369 00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:56.599 either. It's what do I do in behavior that either created a situation or 370 00:24:56.640 --> 00:25:00.319 created a pattern with this situation repeats itself, and a lot of people like, 371 00:25:00.599 --> 00:25:03.039 you're not you must be the most unlucky person in the world. If 372 00:25:03.039 --> 00:25:07.759 you've had fifteen consecutive first dates and no second dates, you know, rather 373 00:25:07.799 --> 00:25:10.880 than they're all jerks, like, mate, what are you doing on the 374 00:25:10.880 --> 00:25:14.640 first date? What are you saying? There's a common denominator there. Yeah, 375 00:25:14.759 --> 00:25:18.000 I know, and listen, it's hard to self reflect for a lot 376 00:25:18.000 --> 00:25:22.000 of people, Like I said, it's much easier to blame the fifteen guys 377 00:25:22.000 --> 00:25:23.720 that you went out with that never called you back. Yeah, or they 378 00:25:23.799 --> 00:25:26.680 think it's easier, it's really easier to blame yourself because then you're like, 379 00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:30.440 oh, it's me, let me fix this. You can't go call the 380 00:25:30.480 --> 00:25:33.759 fifteen guys and then look at the next fifteen guys, like the one thing 381 00:25:33.799 --> 00:25:38.759 that you can control to some degree is what you're bringing to the table exactly. 382 00:25:38.839 --> 00:25:42.359 And if you realize that we are all I always say, we're all 383 00:25:42.359 --> 00:25:47.160 special needs children, we are, and if you figure out what those needs 384 00:25:47.200 --> 00:25:49.960 are or why you didn't get them. It took me a long long time 385 00:25:51.039 --> 00:25:53.200 and the right therapist. I had to find a therapist who was really out 386 00:25:53.240 --> 00:25:57.759 on the kookie fringes, like in the shaman world, to find somebody, 387 00:25:57.799 --> 00:26:02.720 a woman who I wouldn't try to charm to get the answer that I wanted. 388 00:26:03.359 --> 00:26:07.160 I need somebody that I would I could just be so authentic with because 389 00:26:07.160 --> 00:26:10.519 I'd gone through a series of them and I'm like, I just want my 390 00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:12.920 therapist to tell me I'm fine, And you're wasting a lot of money and 391 00:26:12.920 --> 00:26:17.960 you're wasting a lot of time and on trying to get an answer that you 392 00:26:17.960 --> 00:26:19.640 want. So I really had to go through to find one who was just 393 00:26:19.680 --> 00:26:27.359 a kook, and that environment allowed me to go to this scary place and 394 00:26:29.039 --> 00:26:30.559 childhood and all that kind of stuff to figure it out. That took a 395 00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:33.440 long time, though, and then you beat yourself up. Oh my god, 396 00:26:33.440 --> 00:26:37.039 I wish i'd this when I was twenty six. And that's where acceptance 397 00:26:37.079 --> 00:26:41.839 comes in. So at twenty six, obviously you weren't ready because you didn't 398 00:26:41.880 --> 00:26:45.279 do it, but you're doing it now and you are ready. So you're 399 00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:48.319 in this place and you can beat yourself up for not doing it when you 400 00:26:48.359 --> 00:26:51.480 were twenty six, and you can just accept that you weren't ready. You 401 00:26:51.519 --> 00:26:55.279 do but you're doing it now, right. But then there's a part of 402 00:26:55.319 --> 00:26:59.480 you that for once is not self centered, and they're like, if I 403 00:26:59.519 --> 00:27:03.039 had done it earlier, would I have not hurt that person or those people 404 00:27:03.119 --> 00:27:04.759 or that relationship would have worked out? And whatever. And you can't call 405 00:27:04.799 --> 00:27:07.599 them all back up either and say, oh, you know, I went 406 00:27:07.640 --> 00:27:10.440 to therapy. You were right in nineteen ninety six. Like they don't want, 407 00:27:10.440 --> 00:27:14.440 they don't care, they don't want to hear it. But recognizing like 408 00:27:14.839 --> 00:27:18.160 from this path forward, that was really good that you brought up the GPS. 409 00:27:18.279 --> 00:27:19.880 In order to get somewhere, you have to figure out where where you 410 00:27:19.920 --> 00:27:22.279 are, where you're starting, I'm lost, where are you? I don't 411 00:27:22.279 --> 00:27:26.039 know makes it really hard for somebody to give you directions. Right, So 412 00:27:26.240 --> 00:27:32.640 being able to recognize and that we all have, you know, because you 413 00:27:32.640 --> 00:27:34.480 bring up that narcissistic social media world. Oh my god, she has it 414 00:27:34.599 --> 00:27:38.039 so easy, he has it so easy. Look at this. You don't 415 00:27:38.079 --> 00:27:42.839 have any idea. No, the list social media is highly filtered, most 416 00:27:42.880 --> 00:27:48.680 of it's untrue. And again it comes down to the only thing you have 417 00:27:48.720 --> 00:27:53.440 any control over is yourself. You cannot be comparing your normal, average, 418 00:27:53.480 --> 00:28:00.160 everyday life to everybody else's highlight reel on social media. Now, how do 419 00:27:59.920 --> 00:28:04.720 you do it? If either you're you're in a relationship, and if your 420 00:28:04.839 --> 00:28:08.200 partner comes to you and says you know what I want and you think everything's 421 00:28:08.240 --> 00:28:12.599 fine and they come to you and they're like, I want to take this 422 00:28:12.759 --> 00:28:18.559 journey of discovery and sell exploration therapy, whatever you want to call it. 423 00:28:18.559 --> 00:28:22.079 That's probably scary. You're trying to be encouraging of that, because ninety nine 424 00:28:22.119 --> 00:28:26.640 percent of the time that's a good thing, but you're also scared they're like, 425 00:28:26.720 --> 00:28:29.640 oh, they're going to come out of this a different person and recognize 426 00:28:29.640 --> 00:28:33.599 they don't need me. How do you be supportive of your partner's journey without 427 00:28:34.119 --> 00:28:37.960 trying to just maintain the status quo? Does that make sense? It does? 428 00:28:38.200 --> 00:28:42.759 And listen, that can be very scary because somebody's going on a journey 429 00:28:42.839 --> 00:28:47.640 and you're not sure where that journey is going to take them, but where 430 00:28:47.680 --> 00:28:52.079 that journey is hopefully going to take them. If they're stepping out into that 431 00:28:52.160 --> 00:28:59.839 journey, they're feeling that they're missing something, so they're seeking to grow and 432 00:29:00.720 --> 00:29:04.599 love themselves more deeply, and as frightening or as scary as that may be, 433 00:29:06.759 --> 00:29:11.440 part of being in relationship with somebody is encouraging them to be the very 434 00:29:11.559 --> 00:29:18.680 best versions of themselves and whatever outcome that is, whatever uncertainty is there, 435 00:29:18.759 --> 00:29:22.519 I get it. That can be really scary, but so can being in 436 00:29:22.519 --> 00:29:26.279 a relationship with somebody who is not being true to themselves right, and you 437 00:29:26.720 --> 00:29:33.160 should want the very best version of them right, and you should, And 438 00:29:33.200 --> 00:29:36.240 you would think that you could be like, oh, the relationship's fine, 439 00:29:36.279 --> 00:29:38.079 well if they want to take this journey or see because some part of it 440 00:29:38.119 --> 00:29:41.200 is not fine with them, and then you're just kicking the can down the 441 00:29:41.279 --> 00:29:45.440 road on whatever the issue is. And you want to support and you'd be 442 00:29:45.519 --> 00:29:45.880 like, you know, I want to do that too. And I'm not 443 00:29:45.920 --> 00:29:48.480 saying you have to go go to therapy to gather or do anything, but 444 00:29:48.559 --> 00:29:51.839 if you're both on these journeys. You know, we've had people come on 445 00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:56.079 this podcasts and they're like, it takes two complete people to come together, 446 00:29:56.119 --> 00:30:00.759 and I'm like, nobody's complete. Nobody. You should have somebody who's constantly 447 00:30:00.839 --> 00:30:04.079 working towards moving in the right direction. But if this idea like I'm good, 448 00:30:04.160 --> 00:30:07.480 I did all the work, Like there's no check please on that. 449 00:30:07.759 --> 00:30:11.680 You know, it's a journey. It's a process. No. We grow 450 00:30:11.759 --> 00:30:15.920 every day, we take in different stimulus, we see different things, we 451 00:30:15.960 --> 00:30:19.720 meet different people, our goals change, our everything changes, and as humans, 452 00:30:19.960 --> 00:30:23.359 it's just like a plant. You're either growing or you're dying, Like, 453 00:30:23.599 --> 00:30:27.400 we don't ever stop, We're never complete. And I want to circle 454 00:30:27.480 --> 00:30:32.640 back kind of really quickly to this thing that you mentioned a little while ago 455 00:30:33.200 --> 00:30:37.920 about blaming, because again I want to caution everybody be very careful about where 456 00:30:37.920 --> 00:30:42.640 you place your blame. And the greatest question that you will ever ask yourself 457 00:30:44.119 --> 00:30:48.640 is how could I have done that better? How can I show it better? 458 00:30:48.039 --> 00:30:52.400 And the same thing, so, when your partner is seeking to grow 459 00:30:52.440 --> 00:30:56.920 and is seeking to expand themselves, ask yourself, Okay, how can I 460 00:30:56.039 --> 00:31:03.079 best support her him in this venture of theirs? And hey, you know, 461 00:31:03.160 --> 00:31:08.079 maybe this is a good opportunity for me too. How do you you're 462 00:31:08.119 --> 00:31:14.839 in a relationship with somebody, there's some you know that there's some issues, 463 00:31:14.920 --> 00:31:19.680 trauma, circumstances, feelings that preceded you or have nothing to do with you. 464 00:31:22.279 --> 00:31:26.880 How do you suggest that you might want to talk to somebody? How 465 00:31:26.880 --> 00:31:30.160 do you bring that up? It's sort of on them to see it. 466 00:31:30.200 --> 00:31:33.799 Is there a way to politely say have you ever seen a therapist? Or 467 00:31:33.799 --> 00:31:34.880 would I talk to somebody? Like? How do you have that converse? 468 00:31:34.920 --> 00:31:38.680 That's a rough conversation. It's a very rough conversation, and I'll be honest 469 00:31:38.720 --> 00:31:44.160 with you, I've tried to have that conversation before and it hasn't gone well, 470 00:31:44.519 --> 00:31:47.799 And that is a very Are we having that conversation now? No, 471 00:31:48.799 --> 00:31:53.240 those are very tricky waters because you want to be very careful about projecting, 472 00:31:53.720 --> 00:32:00.000 about judging, and about putting that person in a position where they feel defensive. 473 00:32:00.400 --> 00:32:02.480 Do you think you have a drinking problem? They're going to say, 474 00:32:02.480 --> 00:32:07.480 no, well, if there's but there are times, okay, So if 475 00:32:07.480 --> 00:32:12.359 you're in a relationship with somebody and they just totaled their car because they drove 476 00:32:12.400 --> 00:32:15.480 home from the bar drunk, I think it's perfectly okay to say, hey, 477 00:32:15.519 --> 00:32:19.319 listen, I think you've got a problem and you need help. Right, 478 00:32:19.480 --> 00:32:23.920 some things require more nuance. And you know, again it goes back 479 00:32:23.960 --> 00:32:30.000 to if somebody were having that conversation with you, how would you want them 480 00:32:30.039 --> 00:32:35.400 to approach you with it? Because if you come in a place of again, 481 00:32:35.519 --> 00:32:37.880 if you come in a place of blame, that person's going to get 482 00:32:37.880 --> 00:32:43.039 defensive. And once we get defensive, we tend to shut down. So 483 00:32:43.200 --> 00:32:50.920 how do you open the conversation, maybe asking some questions and allow them to 484 00:32:51.680 --> 00:32:57.839 come to their own But setting ourselves and our partner up for success right in 485 00:32:57.920 --> 00:33:04.960 a conversation is key. That's the challenge though, is clearly there's some leftover 486 00:33:05.079 --> 00:33:10.000 issues with her second husband, something like that, you're the sixth husband and 487 00:33:10.119 --> 00:33:15.960 so and so you want to you don't want to open that vault that maybe 488 00:33:15.960 --> 00:33:20.400 they have sealed off because that's how they deal with it. But clearly there's 489 00:33:20.400 --> 00:33:23.000 something lurking there that I haven't worked on. So and I get that early 490 00:33:23.039 --> 00:33:28.519 on a relationship. The conventional wisdom is you're not supposed to ask questions about 491 00:33:28.559 --> 00:33:30.960 like why did you get divorced? You know what, what's serious relationship? 492 00:33:31.000 --> 00:33:36.440 What? Like I'm I'm like ask away. I think we're you know, 493 00:33:36.559 --> 00:33:38.519 we've all had experiences at this point. I want to learn, but mostly 494 00:33:38.519 --> 00:33:42.680 I want to see what they have learned from it. If they're constantly like, 495 00:33:43.039 --> 00:33:45.599 yeah, this guy was an asshole and this sock and blah blah, 496 00:33:45.599 --> 00:33:47.440 and then I'm like, oh, you know, I want to be like 497 00:33:47.640 --> 00:33:51.920 I just didn't give it the attention I wanted to. I wasn't emotionally vulnerable, 498 00:33:51.960 --> 00:33:53.079 like these are the answers I want. It's tough to bring that up 499 00:33:53.119 --> 00:33:57.160 and just hope they're going to just jump in the game over the bondou you 500 00:33:57.200 --> 00:34:00.799 know, right, Yeah, I'm I'm all were asking questions because I want 501 00:34:00.799 --> 00:34:05.599 to know. And you know, if you are involved with somebody and you 502 00:34:05.640 --> 00:34:09.559 know you're the sixth wife and all the other five were crazy red flag or 503 00:34:09.639 --> 00:34:15.119 died, right, like, I want to know, Like inquiring minds want 504 00:34:15.119 --> 00:34:17.559 to know, and I naturally ask a lot of questions because I'm curious. 505 00:34:17.679 --> 00:34:21.360 Yeah, and I think I'm always flattered when somebody asked questions of me, 506 00:34:21.440 --> 00:34:23.559 chose the care to get to know me. Some people are like, why 507 00:34:23.559 --> 00:34:28.000 are you asking? Or you're prying or you're judging, And I think you 508 00:34:28.039 --> 00:34:32.000 have to set an environment of ask me anything and hopefully that that being forthright 509 00:34:32.119 --> 00:34:37.199 and honest and vulnerable we talk about before will lead to oh wow, they 510 00:34:37.239 --> 00:34:39.519 told me that, I'm going to tell him this. And when those things 511 00:34:39.559 --> 00:34:44.079 come up in us, when somebody asks a question and we get triggered by 512 00:34:44.119 --> 00:34:50.000 it, the best the best thing to do in that moment is to take 513 00:34:50.039 --> 00:34:52.960 a breath and ask yourself, Okay, why is this coming up? What 514 00:34:53.199 --> 00:34:57.960 is coming up for me in this? You know, because if we if 515 00:34:58.000 --> 00:35:00.360 we take a breath and we take a moment and we things in our body, 516 00:35:00.480 --> 00:35:06.159 because our bodies will keeue us in on things before our brain does. 517 00:35:06.280 --> 00:35:08.079 The emotion comes up and then the brain goes to work trying to make sense 518 00:35:08.079 --> 00:35:10.840 of it. But if you tap into what's going on in the body, 519 00:35:12.119 --> 00:35:15.320 okay, so wow, my breath is getting heavy, like you know, 520 00:35:15.400 --> 00:35:19.119 I'm feeling this thing? Am I stomach? Why what's coming up? And 521 00:35:19.119 --> 00:35:21.880 then a lot of times you can trace that back and figure out what's coming 522 00:35:21.960 --> 00:35:27.880 up for you. And just you know, we when asking questions, that 523 00:35:27.920 --> 00:35:31.559 person might not be comfortable answering that in the moment, and too, like 524 00:35:31.599 --> 00:35:36.360 if somebody asks us something that we're not comfortable with, it's okay to say, 525 00:35:37.079 --> 00:35:40.800 you know what, I'm not comfortable answering that right now. I validate 526 00:35:40.840 --> 00:35:44.679 your question and I want to get back to you, but I'd like to 527 00:35:44.719 --> 00:35:47.599 take some time to really think about that before I respond to you. And 528 00:35:47.599 --> 00:35:51.679 that's okay because my people might not have an answer or they're going to feel 529 00:35:51.719 --> 00:35:52.840 there's a right or wrong answer, you know, want that you don't want 530 00:35:52.840 --> 00:35:55.159 to give somebody like they're going to feel like they're getting judged on with the 531 00:35:55.199 --> 00:35:58.800 response. Is you know, a lot of people are like, what is 532 00:35:58.800 --> 00:36:00.800 the most serious relationship you ever had, or something like or who's the love 533 00:36:00.840 --> 00:36:05.599 of your life? People ask stuff like that that could change depending on where 534 00:36:05.639 --> 00:36:07.199 you are in life. That could change in the moment. I could change 535 00:36:07.199 --> 00:36:12.639 this, and sometimes that might be too painful when you're trying to grow something 536 00:36:12.719 --> 00:36:17.559 new. But that you're interested in their experiences from you know, birth till 537 00:36:17.599 --> 00:36:25.480 the appetizer came, I think matters. I think that you're open to creating 538 00:36:25.760 --> 00:36:34.360 a judgmental space of sharing emotion and information. Right, yes, and you 539 00:36:34.599 --> 00:36:37.840 just hit the right word. It's non judgmental. And that's really challenging because 540 00:36:37.840 --> 00:36:42.840 we all see the world through our own lens of the world and it's been 541 00:36:42.960 --> 00:36:46.599 very colored by our experience. And you may even be on a date with 542 00:36:46.639 --> 00:36:51.280 somebody that you've known for a long time, but we have no idea what 543 00:36:51.400 --> 00:36:57.639 people have been through. And kindness is always the first route because you don't 544 00:36:57.639 --> 00:37:01.159 know. You could have brought something up that triggered something deep inside of them 545 00:37:01.159 --> 00:37:06.039 that was really painful and really hurtful, and it's okay to give them some 546 00:37:06.119 --> 00:37:07.719 time to move through that. It's okay if they don't want to talk about 547 00:37:07.760 --> 00:37:12.800 it. Yeah, if they're giving a waight or a hard time because it 548 00:37:12.880 --> 00:37:15.519 came out medium instead of medium rare, there's some stuff there that's not about 549 00:37:15.519 --> 00:37:19.159 the steak. That's a red flag. It is a red flag. That's 550 00:37:19.159 --> 00:37:22.400 a huge riss. I agree with you. And so some guy suggested me. 551 00:37:22.800 --> 00:37:25.320 He came to our my great love to bat in Boston and he goes, 552 00:37:25.360 --> 00:37:30.360 I sometimes order something that is screwed up so they can see how well 553 00:37:30.400 --> 00:37:31.960 I handle the situation. I'm like, that's bullshit, but it's actually a 554 00:37:31.960 --> 00:37:36.800 good move. Like people do notice that I don't worry about it. We're 555 00:37:36.800 --> 00:37:38.000 good, you know, And I'm like, okay, it's game playing with 556 00:37:38.039 --> 00:37:43.280 the waiter. They feel like a failure, but I get it. People 557 00:37:43.320 --> 00:37:45.920 want to know how you react. But you know, for the first ninety 558 00:37:46.000 --> 00:37:50.800 days, everybody's sort of at with each other's publicist. They're sort of presenting 559 00:37:50.840 --> 00:37:54.039 the best version of something. It's hard to get the information you really want 560 00:37:54.320 --> 00:37:58.760 and that you really need, and that person might not be comfortable enough to 561 00:37:58.800 --> 00:38:00.960 share it for a long long time. I think your goal, if you 562 00:38:01.039 --> 00:38:05.000 really want that information, and we should all really want that information, is 563 00:38:05.039 --> 00:38:09.440 to really set an environment of trust and sharing and growing and authenticity and the 564 00:38:09.480 --> 00:38:14.920 things we need for this to foster. Yes, I agree one hundred percent. 565 00:38:15.800 --> 00:38:21.840 You can't ask questions and draw somebody into becoming vulnerable and then beat them 566 00:38:21.920 --> 00:38:24.199 up for becoming vulnerable and for what they shared. Yeah, I know, 567 00:38:24.639 --> 00:38:30.079 if you're willing to open that door, you've got to walk through it with 568 00:38:30.119 --> 00:38:31.920 them, and you've got to be okay with whatever's on the other side. 569 00:38:32.519 --> 00:38:37.440 Allow that person to share whatever's on their heart, and then you get to 570 00:38:37.480 --> 00:38:39.639 decide what that means to you. You know, if they're sharing something with 571 00:38:39.679 --> 00:38:44.280 you that's a deal breaker for you, that's okay, It's perfectly okay, 572 00:38:44.360 --> 00:38:46.400 you know. And I'm not sure we should judge anybody of how they were 573 00:38:46.639 --> 00:38:52.199 at nineteen or before they become a parent, or three marriages ago, or 574 00:38:52.639 --> 00:38:55.239 two jobs to go a different city or whatever. I mean, there's things 575 00:38:55.280 --> 00:39:00.599 that are deep rooted and there's things that might be patterns. But you know, 576 00:39:00.760 --> 00:39:05.440 if somebody you know shoplifted from target at nineteen and they're forty one now 577 00:39:05.480 --> 00:39:07.840 and a responsible parent, I'm not going to hold that against them. I'm 578 00:39:07.840 --> 00:39:09.880 want to be like, what was going on in your life then that you 579 00:39:09.920 --> 00:39:14.800 did that and how have you evolved? And what did I do when I 580 00:39:14.800 --> 00:39:19.360 was nineteen twenty nine or thirty nine exactly, you know, And I'm like, 581 00:39:19.559 --> 00:39:22.679 you know, nobody wants to be judged on their worst day, and 582 00:39:22.679 --> 00:39:25.159 I don't think you should judge anybody in their best day. It's there how 583 00:39:25.199 --> 00:39:29.280 to handle most days? And how are you going to handle most days with 584 00:39:29.360 --> 00:39:30.960 you? And how are they going to handle not the things that happen to 585 00:39:31.000 --> 00:39:34.760 them, but how are they going to handle the things that happened to you. 586 00:39:34.760 --> 00:39:37.400 You're not going to know that until you're willing to find out, and 587 00:39:37.480 --> 00:39:43.440 willingness to find out comes with fear, and fear can be a good thing. 588 00:39:43.480 --> 00:39:45.800 You'd be a motivating factor. Getting information can be driven by fear. 589 00:39:46.320 --> 00:39:49.800 But once you have that and once you can sort of put that in your 590 00:39:49.800 --> 00:39:53.719 toolbox, you know, I'm not sure that's a bad thing. Fear can 591 00:39:53.760 --> 00:39:57.280 all. The thing about fear, though, is fear can be a liar 592 00:39:57.599 --> 00:40:00.400 because, you know, think of your brain is kind of like this little 593 00:40:00.480 --> 00:40:06.800 yes person who lives in your head and whatever belief system you're holding onto, 594 00:40:07.079 --> 00:40:08.800 your brain is kind of out in the world looking for proof on that. 595 00:40:09.320 --> 00:40:14.119 So if you go into a relationship in fear that they're going to cheat on 596 00:40:14.159 --> 00:40:15.039 you, or that they're going to lie to you, or that they're going 597 00:40:15.079 --> 00:40:19.440 to do something to hurt you. Chances are you're going to find evidence to 598 00:40:19.519 --> 00:40:24.320 support that, whether it's valid or not. And the Buddhists have a great 599 00:40:25.159 --> 00:40:31.639 philosophy, and that is that the majority of our suffering is created because we 600 00:40:31.719 --> 00:40:38.119 want things to be different than what they are. So your wanting the situation 601 00:40:38.239 --> 00:40:43.639 to be different than what it is and not accepting it for what it is 602 00:40:43.639 --> 00:40:47.360 is what creates our suffering. And that again comes down to that just accepting 603 00:40:47.800 --> 00:40:54.119 because it is what it is. You can be driving forward, you can 604 00:40:54.199 --> 00:40:59.119 want to change and grow in all of these things, but you are what 605 00:40:59.159 --> 00:41:01.840 you are in the moment. The person across from you is who they are, 606 00:41:04.119 --> 00:41:08.760 and people are, you know. The number one fear that people have 607 00:41:09.320 --> 00:41:13.960 is to do things that are outside their comfort zone, whatever that is. 608 00:41:14.320 --> 00:41:16.119 If you're afraid of heights, you know, jumping out of airplane, or 609 00:41:16.320 --> 00:41:21.480 get into a relationship. The answers almost always lie outside your comfort zone. 610 00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:24.199 So first you have to do things to inch yourself outside. You have to 611 00:41:24.239 --> 00:41:29.079 identify why is this a comfort zone? I think, and then do things 612 00:41:29.119 --> 00:41:32.360 to place yourself, even for a moment, slightly outside your comfort zone where 613 00:41:32.360 --> 00:41:35.480 you retreat. And the more you can do that, the more that feels 614 00:41:35.559 --> 00:41:37.440 normal to you. I mean, I'm afraid to fly. I get on 615 00:41:37.480 --> 00:41:42.000 planes all the time. I'm not doing it because I'm trying to get out 616 00:41:42.000 --> 00:41:45.840 of my outside my comfort zone. But I notice that I am significantly better 617 00:41:45.880 --> 00:41:49.000 than it because I'm just like, I have to do this, and I 618 00:41:49.039 --> 00:41:51.840 have to figure out ways to do it, and you know, not just 619 00:41:51.880 --> 00:41:53.559 pop thirty zan X to get on a plane, like I have to been 620 00:41:53.639 --> 00:41:57.599 like, okay, I'm uncomfortable with this, so then it could then you 621 00:41:57.719 --> 00:42:01.440 change it from fear to discomfort and that is a giant step. And if 622 00:42:01.480 --> 00:42:05.760 I could just make it like I'd rather not versus I'm not doing this, 623 00:42:06.480 --> 00:42:08.119 I think you open up a lot of doors. You do, and I 624 00:42:08.159 --> 00:42:13.679 love that approach because you do. You just keep pushing your outer limit just 625 00:42:13.719 --> 00:42:15.519 a little bit, you know, and every time you do, you build 626 00:42:15.559 --> 00:42:20.400 resilience. Every time you step a little outside of your comfort zone, you 627 00:42:20.480 --> 00:42:23.280 build this belief that you can step outside of your comfort zone and you're not 628 00:42:23.320 --> 00:42:27.719 going to die. So each time you do that, you get stronger and 629 00:42:27.760 --> 00:42:30.599 stronger, and that's how we build, and that's how we become resilient humans. 630 00:42:30.880 --> 00:42:35.679 We have brought this up almost since the day we started this podcast that 631 00:42:37.159 --> 00:42:39.679 the three words that people have to get rid of and never use again are 632 00:42:39.719 --> 00:42:45.400 the words not my type. If you're over thirty and you're still single, 633 00:42:45.440 --> 00:42:46.960 you have no type. Your type's not working out for you. And what 634 00:42:47.000 --> 00:42:52.000 we always mean by that is it's a fear of like. I've never been 635 00:42:52.039 --> 00:42:57.039 around that dated, that experience that before, so I can only date all 636 00:42:57.039 --> 00:42:59.199 the guys there are six' four that's my type, and that's what I 637 00:42:59.280 --> 00:43:01.480 like. It's the fear of the unknown. You've tricked your brain into thinking 638 00:43:01.559 --> 00:43:06.119 that this is your comfort zone. You'd be surprised at what you find out, 639 00:43:06.159 --> 00:43:07.559 not about the other people, but if you find out about yourself when 640 00:43:07.559 --> 00:43:10.239 you give this person an opportunity to sit across from you for ten minutes. 641 00:43:12.000 --> 00:43:15.400 Yes, yeah, And I think that's with a lot of things in life. 642 00:43:15.480 --> 00:43:19.400 When you decide I don't like this, kids do we started kids like, 643 00:43:19.400 --> 00:43:22.800 I don't eat that right? Try it, Just try it. You 644 00:43:22.880 --> 00:43:24.519 might like it, and at some point you probably will like it. Right 645 00:43:24.639 --> 00:43:28.920 it, and maybe you won't. But what have you lost? Right, 646 00:43:29.480 --> 00:43:34.000 you'd be surprised. Yeah, all of that stuff. All right, I'm 647 00:43:34.000 --> 00:43:37.239 gonna let everybody tell where they can find you and track you down and get 648 00:43:37.239 --> 00:43:38.400 more wisdom from you. But first, this is your first time on the 649 00:43:38.400 --> 00:43:40.239 p I can't this is your first time on the podcast. You have a 650 00:43:40.280 --> 00:43:45.679 lot of things to say. We play something called worst date or first date, 651 00:43:45.119 --> 00:43:47.719 So you either have to give us the worst date you've ever been on 652 00:43:49.239 --> 00:43:53.639 or the greatest first date you've ever been on. Your choice. Oh boy, 653 00:43:57.679 --> 00:44:02.119 wow, that's a tough one, you know. I will say I've 654 00:44:02.199 --> 00:44:07.519 been very blessed. I haven't had a lot of really awful good dates. 655 00:44:09.920 --> 00:44:22.320 Best first date, wow, I'm going to go with my actually one of 656 00:44:22.360 --> 00:44:28.159 the I don't know that it was necessarily one of my best first dates, 657 00:44:28.199 --> 00:44:35.000 but it was a lot of fun. It was my first husband, and 658 00:44:35.280 --> 00:44:39.320 this was probably God, I'm going to age myself because it was probably thirty 659 00:44:39.400 --> 00:44:45.880 years ago maybe, and I just we had such a good time. He 660 00:44:46.519 --> 00:44:51.519 was a musician, and he was a solo musician, and you know, 661 00:44:51.559 --> 00:44:55.000 we were kind of running in the same friend circle and kind of like the 662 00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:59.920 first night that we sort of connected with each other. It was just really 663 00:45:00.079 --> 00:45:04.519 really powerful, and I just remember like being in this group of friends and 664 00:45:04.639 --> 00:45:07.159 kind of just looking over at him and just being like, Okay, like 665 00:45:07.199 --> 00:45:10.599 I think this is going to be something really cool. And I can't remember 666 00:45:14.119 --> 00:45:15.239 no, but I can't remember the song, but it had something to do 667 00:45:15.320 --> 00:45:21.039 with quarters, and I remember going over to the bar and asking for rollo 668 00:45:21.119 --> 00:45:23.800 chords. It was something about a quarter to call you or something. It 669 00:45:23.840 --> 00:45:27.840 was a really long time ago, and I remember just going over to him 670 00:45:27.880 --> 00:45:31.960 and handing him like this roll of quarters, and that was kind of you 671 00:45:31.960 --> 00:45:35.360 know, we'd sort of been dancing around each other for a while and that 672 00:45:35.480 --> 00:45:37.880 was sort of like the moment had some music to the day connected, Yeah, 673 00:45:37.920 --> 00:45:42.320 and it was just really cool. What kind of musician he played a 674 00:45:42.400 --> 00:45:45.079 lot of like Jimmy Buffett, James Taylor like that, but he could play 675 00:45:45.119 --> 00:45:49.800 the guitar. Oh yeah, so that's a huge super talented, super talented. 676 00:45:50.079 --> 00:45:52.920 Yeah, no, very Yeah, guys, learn to play the guitar, 677 00:45:53.440 --> 00:45:55.800 learn a little bit about wine, and take French lessons. You'll be 678 00:45:55.840 --> 00:45:59.719 a lot better off if you could do one of those three things, all 679 00:45:59.800 --> 00:46:02.440 right, Tell everybody where they can track you down, so you can find 680 00:46:02.480 --> 00:46:07.840 me on Instagram Susette k Bravo. I'm also on Facebook and LinkedIn, and 681 00:46:07.880 --> 00:46:13.719 then my website is Susette Bravo dot com. And if you go check out 682 00:46:13.719 --> 00:46:19.239 my website and you sign up for the newsletter, I have a I have 683 00:46:19.280 --> 00:46:22.559 a program that we're going to be launching in January, and you'll get all 684 00:46:22.599 --> 00:46:29.000 of the insider information about that and even some little goodies on goal setting before 685 00:46:29.039 --> 00:46:30.599 that. No Fear, no Judgment, No Fear, no Judgment, and 686 00:46:30.719 --> 00:46:36.519 your podcast Bravo Unscripted. There you go. Thank you. This was fun. 687 00:46:36.679 --> 00:46:37.719 It was fun. We'll have to do this again. I like learning 688 00:46:37.760 --> 00:46:43.239 stuff. I feel smarter now as far as us like share, follow Please 689 00:46:43.280 --> 00:46:46.480 review this podcast and Bravo Unscripted your reviews. Still, even after all this 690 00:46:46.480 --> 00:46:50.639 time, I mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem. Shoot us an email 691 00:46:50.639 --> 00:46:54.280 Great Love Tobate a gmail dot com if you have comments, questions, thoughts, 692 00:46:54.440 --> 00:46:59.880 fears that you want to share with me or Susette'll pass those along to 693 00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:08.599 Great Loovedebate dot com. Our big big tenth anniversary show, the Live the 694 00:47:08.639 --> 00:47:13.199 Great Love Debate Tour that started it all we're having our kicking off our eleventh 695 00:47:13.199 --> 00:47:15.599 season, if you can believe that, with our tenth anniversary show, and 696 00:47:15.639 --> 00:47:19.320 it's actually right here in Boca Raton, Florida. It is that the Boca 697 00:47:19.679 --> 00:47:22.400 black Box Center for the Arts. Tickets are on sale now. It is 698 00:47:22.480 --> 00:47:25.880 February sixth or seventh, or eighth, I don't know. It's on the 699 00:47:25.880 --> 00:47:30.559 website. It's early February twenty twenty fourth. So if you're listening to this 700 00:47:30.599 --> 00:47:34.280 twenty twenty five, you missed it, come to our eleventh anniversary show then 701 00:47:35.440 --> 00:47:37.599 Boca Blackbox dot com or Great Lovedebate dot com for tickets and info for that. 702 00:47:37.639 --> 00:47:43.400 It's going to be awesome. Don't miss it because as always at the 703 00:47:43.480 --> 00:47:51.880 Great Love Debate, we never stopped making love. See you next time the 704 00:47:51.960 --> 00:47:58.280 Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, de Great Love Debate. 705 00:47:59.159 --> 00:48:00.599 It's a great love to be