Welcome to you, softcore history. Welcome back to the best damn history podcast
out there. I'm your host, Daan Rochester. I'm joined as always by
Rob Fox and Jake Golden. What's up? Boys? What's up? Don't
like you? Hubris? What you you? Don't you? You really aren't
going to sit here and like stand behind him. Just last week you said
I had heard of you before I met you. Mm hmm. That that's
the definition of Hubris. It's not Hubris as a fact. It's not even
y. That's like me. That's like Mount Everest, you know, saying
I'm really tall. It's craziest. Rob had heard of me before I heard
of him. That is true. The Dipper, Dapper Dapper, that's right,
my really cool fratty name that I had. Who could forget jack Hammer,
jack Hammer, Bacon, the Dapper Dipper, all under one roof.
I'm Most of our content got deleted. It's for the best. Yes,
no one, No one will remember you. Don't be in a fray.
I mean surely what we learned last week was nobody is ever gonna remember it,
and something we do just let the most annoying part of the New Star
Wars trilogy is how they didn't lean into Ryan Johnson being like, let the
past die. Come with me. I was like, do it kill it
all. Fuck nostalgia. That's the best Star Wars. It is the last
Jedi of the New Ones for sure. Yeah, just depends, I know.
I was like, yeah, let it die, kill it, kill
it. Back in the Canadas version of the comic series, like shut it
up, I want to see lightsaber fights. Yeah, yeah, just show
me those. God going back to like the old ones too. Yeah,
the first the first trilogy is unwatchable. It's yeah, honestly I bought them
preaks. I don't really like Star Wars anymore. Kind of grew out of
it. Certainly. There's certainly nothing where I'm like, you're about the hero
stars. It was a long long time ago, Galaxy far far away.
Yeah. Someone was complaining that there wasn't a Dune video game yet. It
was like, do you know how boring of a video game that would be?
There is a dune strategy game, It would have to be a strategy
game. Yeah, there's like a Dune. It's like, I think it's
more kindled like Age of Empires style. I'm on the sand. Here comes
the giant worm. Yeah, well it's more just like your house a racket
or whatever I rack us. Yeah, house of trade ees, and it's
just yet you're just like one of the civilizations and they have different benefits and
yeah, you know, it would have to be the kind of game like
do you want to ride your spider cavalry and a little or Yeah, it's
still it's just like they wanted, like a very story based, like like
a Zelda type. Well, for those at home, we're not a movie
podcast. We're actually a history podcast. Like I said, the best damn
history podcast out there. We're top tier and banter though for bros under forty
barely barely maybe Look, if you want to learn and you want to laugh,
i'd say like twenty eight to forty five. I believe that is our
primary audience. Yeah, dudes, but those two half of whom works at
the FBI. Big fan of that, big fan of that. If you
do like us, so, I'll make sure to check out our Patreon,
Pictreon, dot com slash Softcore we're doing right now the Patreon. No,
this is the main Oh yeah, I always do. So. Peeling back
the curtain, guys, we're recording five episodes in two days because I will
currently be on the road as you listen to this. Yeah, we're going
hard. Well maybe if a hurricane doesn't happen. Although we have said if
this was our full time job, we would do that. We'd go like
five and two days we do the South Park. Yeah, yeah, we
would do a season of recording in like three four weeks. Yeah, and
then just take seven Yeah, glorious. So we're kind of test running that
right now. It's not that bad. It's not terribly not although you have
to add on all the normal job stuff we have. That's a job skin
in the winter. We're doing this late on Monday week before the strops.
Have to see my kids for an hour today. Yeah, literally came in,
pet my dog, Eta Taco left. I left work, walked my
dog, came back. Yeah, I had a nap in the car.
Jays had the poop. Yeah. I rolled up to the studio and Rob
was asleep in his car. Saw that. Yeah, thanks for his car
on too. Yeah, it's hot out. I just thought he was dead.
The correct the window. Plus, I like to build up my CEO
two tards. I get that smart that way. If you pass out in
the garage with the car running. Yeah, well today we're gonna talk about
a long, long time ago. Oh yeah, yeah, we do that
here space. Actually know a lot of times are like this happened in nineteen
sixty seven. It's not making fun of me. And we're gonna talk about
a bunch of guys and gals, oh ladies that tested their own limits.
This is an orgy. No, sounds like the opp sit based on the
pre show prep you told us about. Yeah, we're gonna go back to
one of our crutches, the Catholic Church. Well well, now, Rob,
I feel like I'm kind of stepping on your territory here. So if
you'll allow me to proceed with this, are you going ancient ancient history?
We get people get eed my lions in it. We're going with the worst
ways saints died? Oh sick? Oh, I love that. This is
a great episode for me. It's not really you know, a whole lot
of background on each individual. It's like, no, this is how they
met their end. Yeah, I like that. I don't want to know
very digestible stuff. Stack damn bodies. It's forever a regret that I can't
find the fucking gladiator deleted scene of him like watching Christians get eaten by lions.
Let the heavenly bodies hit the fuck. Well, the bodies don't really
hit the floor until like a couple of days later, with the line take
a shit, I'm the poop. I came across this topic because I just
found out, I know, bad Catholic Peter was crucified upside down. Yeah,
that's Peter's cross. Is the upside down cross? Right? Yeah,
but it's also kind of confused with the ex that's Saint Andrew's cross, because
Saint Andrew was crucified on an X cross. Oh nice. So I guess
Nero ordered Peter to be crucified and Peter was like, I'm not with the
put the upside down. Yeah, Peter asked for it. He was like,
I can't be killed like Christ. Did he not see the streets around
It's like everybody's getting killed by him. I know. Also, Peter,
you denied that man three times. I think you can just you've done worse.
Yeah, yeah, I swear Jesus won't mind you. He pulled the
classic Jewish move where it's like you gotta ask three times. Yeah. Well,
actually I guess he didn't even do that, not even the third time.
Yeah, he was like no, No, kind of gets off easy
when it comes to a doubt in Jesus because we need to let people in
heaven. Thomas, I believe, only doubted him twice. He just had
to figure he gets the nickname yea doubting Thomas. Well, Peter Peter Joy
is doubting doubt Jesus. He straight up didn't hied him. He's like,
I don't know him. Oh man, so many friends. I would do
that too. Every apostle except John met a very terrible ending. Yeah,
that's what happens when you tried to spread a religion of peace and a violent
empire, a brand new religion. Yeah, yeah, and a really weird
one for then for the time, Treat others how you want to be.
Treat to get like, that's dumb, go to the pit. We talked
about in my episode about sexuality in ancient Rome that like Christianity was weird because
they were like, hey, don't fuck your slaves. What are you trying
to say here, boss? Yeah? And what are you doing? People
were like, what the fuck? What do you mean? Don't hit?
Yeah you mean equal and by fuck I don't mean fuck yeah, it was
not consensual. So we're gonna start with an apostle, all right, by
the name of Bartholomew bart Old apostle bart Was he a first tier apostle because
there's a couple apostles who got replaced by quote unquote like new apostles. You
have a tier system. If your apostle got to replace the apostle if he
gets like Judas had to. Yeah, was an apostle replaced Judas? Oh
I know, I didn't look this up. That's all I remember about it
is that there's a couple they filled it and because I remember thinking like,
no, that shouldn't work that way. There was just a twelve. You
can't be like, oh, we replaced one of the twelve with a new
guy and who didn't even know Jesus. It was scrappy doo, wasn't it.
Yeah, they're really jump in the shark when they started replacing apostles.
If somebody does die, you gotta replace this. Okay, he was a
He was an og though. Okay, he was sent to India to do
his converting. Right, he's spread the word of Jesus, spread the good
word. Go to India. Man. He was only like fucking sixteen when
Jesus got crucified. Young man. Yeah yeah, impressionable apparently, But they
sent him to India. They sent him to India's gonna go bad. Can't
imagine he goes well, well, he ends up in Armenia. Oh no,
even turn and uh he's eventually arrested because you know, why would I
what is this this false god you speak of? Yeah, well, what
do you mean? What are you doing? Trying to challenge our power structure?
Here a guy, and he was actually sentenced to death for converting the
King of Armenia to Christianity. Sentence us by who? Yeah? How how
does he get sentenced to death for that? I guess the rest of the
like the rest of Armenia, the rest of the court. I think.
I think sentencing is a weird word for lynched. He got Yeah, he
like worm tongue. He was just like whispering in his ear like Jesus.
He wished as he got lynched, Oh my god. As part of his
execution, old Bart, it was flayed alive. Oh no, classic where
they start on Bart. They start with the dick. You know they didn't
specify that. Okay, but I like to think they did. They probably
did. They probably cut off his balls. I don't think he would have
cared that much about that. I think everyone cares about that he's not banging.
It's not the fact that he's not banging, it's the pain. Not
only would have minded, Well, here's the thing. They take off all
of his skin. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, all of it.
You need that. It's very important. Yeah, most people that don't have
skin don't live it. Nine out of ten doctors recommend it having skin.
Yeah, this is kind of like his calling cards. So this is always
really known for us being flayed alive, so much so that in the sixteen
Chapel, the depiction of Bartholomew is, uh, skinless. That's not cool.
Can you imagine you're like the ghost or whatever, or like you come
down from heaven. It's like, let's see the painting they did of me,
Oh huh, not my best day, not my best day. And
there's even paintince of this man wearing his skin as a cape. That's kind
of cool. That's rad. That's a really cool superhero outfit. Oh man,
he's like you're looking at it. Someone's just like holding his skin in
the sixteen chapel. Yep, wait what there they have his skin? Have
a skin? Oh oh, someone's just holding onto his empty coat. It's
like a costume. Yeah, you know, like the Green Man costume.
It's just skin man con insert it into the video right here. Yeah,
there you go. Good lord. Oh, I mean look, Michael Angelo
probably got pretty bored after a while. So you tell him you got a
skinless guy. Yeah, put in the skinless guy. You're gonna full up
the space, you know. Yeah. Yeah, So something to look for
next time you go to the Vatican. I'm that's the first thing I'm looking
for. That's a skinless Bart. Yeah. What we look for? Skinless
Bart? God God in the basement. Yeah, and the books that were
not allowed to read, they're probably right by God. All right, So
I'm gonna go kind of bullet point just that quick hitters right there. That's
Bart. That's all you got on Bart. I got a bunch more.
Can I tell you some fun facts about him? Really quick? Sure?
So you know how I was just because I was just looking something up,
something else up about him. Obviously, saints all have their patron saints of
things, yes, correct. I don't know if people were doing this with
a straight face, or like some pope had a deep sense of irony.
See the patron Saint of skin. He is, among other things, the
patron Saint of skin diseases and dermatology. I mean, he's the patron saint
dude. Like all of his stuff is like leather related. He's the patron
Saint of bookbinders, which I imagine when that was named leather. He's the
patron Saint of butcher's. Oh no, he's the patron Saint of Armenia.
Uh. He's the patron Saint of leather workers. He's the patron Saint of
shoemakers. He's the patron Saint of tanners. And I don't know if this
is related to it, but it troubles me. He's the patron Saint of
twitching. You gotta think, hold still, bark, try to cut your
skin off. I cut your muscle. M. We have a lot of
patron saints, I know, I mean literally like half of his patrons even
cool. He's patron Saint Career, which all supposed to do with leather working.
It's all. He's everything. He's the patron saying of it's cutting skin
off. They really just laser focused on what happened to him. Yeah,
they're like, wait, what happened to him? Who skinning guy? Yeah,
leather good. Next up, we have another apostle, Simon the Zealot
Jesus and his followers. You'll you'll know this came to Simon's wedding. This
is where he turned his miracle of water to wine. Oh yeah, nice?
Cool? Was that Simon's wedding? This act is what convinced Simon to
abandon his house together with his family and join Jesus. Just follow him on
the road like he's the dead. Yeah, you saw him grilled cheeses out
in the lot. Yeah, or your buddy. Oh no, I'm sorry,
it was a different guy. I was at some bachelor party Garcia was
his brother's batcheparty was in town. Some guy like they all flew there,
but one guy pulled up in a van. I guess he was like following
fish. I have friends that follow fish as well, which, by the
way, for any one listening he doesn't know. Well, I apologize for
that being the most bro sense you've heard. I was at a bauchel Portian
and Scott rolled up in a fan. He's falling fish for the summer.
Yeah, like it's so fucking yeah. Fish is one of those ones I
could never get into. I'll be like, oh, I went to my
cousin's trailer park and five people indeed, Yeah, that's not Broie. No,
I'm just saying it's similar. Similar, it's class differences, old sign
and after the death of Jesus went to Persia to spread Christianity. Feels like
a bad place to do it. Nowhere sounds good? Yeah, that where
they were from didn't even like them, that's true. It was captured crucified
upside down while being slowly cutting half with the saw. Oh okay, sure,
so old old Pete really but cut in half? How slow? Because
that sort of defeats the purpose of these fiction. Yeah, it's like doing
a firing squad and the electric chair, Like you flipped the switch and then
say fire. He didn't really get electric both slower than that though, Well
right, But I'm just saying it. But the cruiser fixion plays almost no
role. No, it's very much the saw. Is he the patron saint
of lumberjacks? No? No, no, he's only uh he is often
depicted with a saw in his hand. What is the deal? He is.
He is the patron saint of saws, saws, people who saw for
a living. Yeah, just them. Actually Stowers is how it's I think
just would work. He's the patron saint of Home Depot and Brown Brown.
He only has three though, he only has three patronages, whereas fucking artomme
you have like thirty. You knew a lot more with skin than saws.
That's true, that's true. We'll go to the next one, but just
kind of keep in mind how people die, and then we'll revisit. What
do you think the worst of all the ones listed are. That'll be the
conclusion. Okay, well we'll discuss. I gotta say that the Simon guy,
whoever was in charge of Simon's execution, just seemed a little like he's
pulling ideas out of a hat. Yeah, it's really mismatched. It's it's
like the A and the B for the torture. It's like it could have
been like saw in half and ties nuts to a tree, but it was
like, yeah, he got yeah, crucify and also your persia. You
guys, crucify, that's not your thing. Yeah, it's kind of swagger
jacking, right, Yeah, put Bury him in the Yeah, bury him
in the desert, lit an set him or something, you know, like
do cool Persian ship? Was that ccket? Was that some bug flying around?
Just the common plague in here of the day. Speaking negative of Simon,
I guess yeah, no, got some one cricket. Next up,
we're gonna go to a guy who recurs on this podcast every now and then
for different reasons. Fourth century Bishop Saint Blaize. Yes, yes, we
love Saint Blaise my favorite feast day. He is most associated of us with
the miracle he performed. He did the himway he was imprisoned during the Roman
persecutions of Christians, he miraculously saved a young boy who was choking to death
on a fishbone. As a result, he is the patron of those suffering
from throat disease and choking and choking, the patron saint of e n t
oh nice, you're so just the sick, and the patron saint of throats.
He's the throat. He used the throat. Go yeah, and on
his feast day in February. Some churches today still performed the Blessing of the
throat in the name of Saint Blaize. Using the two candles touching each other.
If you run up, if you're like at a Catholic school and you
meet up with a girl and she's got like a pendant that's like the patrons
Saint Blaize necklace pendant. Yeah no, or you're good to go, it's
like, yeah, she cool. Yeah, we used to play. There's
a school called Saint Blaize and Saint Louis. I used to play in baseball
all the time. However, we often don't talk about how Saint Blaize died
and how is that you choke? Well, after hiding out from Roman officials
in the wilderness, Blaze was discovered, imprisoned and tortured, as one does
the middle. That's just interrogation, Like now you know, you get arrested
and they're like, all right, buddy, where's the coke, where's the
cocaine? We know you're working with Castillo and Sanchez and jez tell Us and
that's it. Like they interrogate you and they're like, all right, back
to your cell, mister, we got another skin related death. But you're
saying in Roman times they just tortured you, right, and Roman times they
just bring you in. They're like all right, buddy, and then they
cut off your skin or something. Yeah, Blaze was raked by red hot
wool comb irons. Yikes, until the skin peeled off raked. Yeah,
they had like a little rake. I thought you said raped, Yeah I
did. I heard raped. Well, either way, so they're not all
bad. That would explain something horrific in its own way. Yeah, yeah,
definitely, that would explain his other patronages. He's the patron saint of
the wool industry and wool words. Are you serious. I'm dead serious.
I saw that and was like, oh, maybe he was some from like
some part of you guys really focus on the negative. I mean, look
at our symbol. It's the cross where I don't know, I imagine we'd
have a cross hereore crucifix. Yeah, we need to have just like a
really big bloody crucifix on set at all times. Well, I'm bringing a
big old bone, Manora. You do that of Palestinian children? Good Lord?
Aren't fine, gal Gado. I'm just saying, if you got a
bloody cross, I would have something that makes my religion look metal. Yeah
that's fair oppressive. I just it's like, the only thing that matters is
how you die. Yeah, he could have. He saved a kid.
Well, I guess they because on the kid him saving the kid's life.
But yeah, there's a line in the Cleopatra thing. Oh you're perish,
didn't rub hot coals on your skin. We didn't do that part of Saint
Blaize Day. Okay, follow through then, yeah, there's a there's a
line in the Cleopatra thing, the doc on Netflix. It's like the Egyptians
believe the most significant thing you could do in your life was die. It's
like, I think the Catholics might have been in that boat too, maybe
are obsessed with death. You're right, yeah, yeah, we're very like
that's what old religions were about. It's like, man, you're gonna die.
The Vikings wanted to go to Valhalla, yeah, which was just them
fighting forever in eternity. I mean it is interesting, like a lot of
ancient religions are very death focused. Yeah, we're very just like Gothic,
you know what I mean. We're we're not emo, we're goth really like
that's where kind of a goth religion, but but glam Goth, very glam
goth. Yeah, like Ozzy Osbourne or something i'd say, like, yeah,
or the cure. Yeah, the cures are great. Yeah, except
we have Cassiant. You hear about this guy, see the Christian One lived
in Italy near the modern town of Ravenna during the reign of Roman emperor known
as Julian the Apostate. Okay, yes, Cassian had been a bishop in
Prussia, but upon being exiled from that city, he moved to Amola,
where he retired to what he thought would be a quiet life as a school
teacher. Well, if you're talking about him, I take it that didn't
happen. No, because when the whole town was ordered to make sacrifices to
the pagan god by the emperor, Cassian refused, which got him in trouble
with the local officials. I mean, bro, it's like one goat God
will know. And they sentenced him to death at the hands of his own
students. Oh so the teachers kids had to kill him, killed him,
ripped him apart with their hands. How they're small. They tied him up
and then they just viciously pummeled this man and ripped him apart. How do
they pull at him? That's what I want to know. Yeah, they're
not there's dozens of them. I just that doesn't explain much. It's field
day. It's tug of war, right they put the toddlers some one side,
and yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess man, God damn,
he is the patron Saint of the school teachers. Of course he is.
Yeah, honestly, not the worst way a teacher can go. He's the
patron Saint tug of War. Yeah yeah, kind of par for the course
with teachers these days. And tell you what, always be your own students.
A couple teachers I wouldn't have mind pulling apart. The tiny little hands
stripped this man apart. I don't. I mean the preteens. I get
like, yeah, fucking you know, pissed off eighth grade. They also
bashed him with writing tablets. Uh, he's the page Saint of spiral ring
notebooks. He had little pen knives. He is the patron Saint of short
handwriters. Fucking kidding. Nope, how's that a saint hood? Like,
how's that a thing you compete? They just were like figuring out all the
ways you died that it was related to m like it was used the patron
Saint of five paragraph essays. Yes, yes, he is, though I'm
not making that up. That's the one I want to see so far.
I want to see the logistics of it. I do. I am curious
about that. And it's like funny because if we could like peer through a
wormhole and watch it, we'd probably just be like, oh God, it's
like the worst thing that makes so much sense, but oh my god.
Yeah, it's just like his arms popping out of his sockets and just ripping
apart. Yeah. Next up as Saint Marcurus, who served in the Roman
Imperial Army under the reins of Valerian. In the mid third century, Barbarian
forces invaded the empire, and uh he led a large army to repel them.
During one of the battles in the campaign, an angel appeared to Mercurius,
telling him that the Lord was going to lead him to a great victory.
Cool. Following the supernatural visit, he led his forces and killed their
king, and Sigle handily won the victory for the Romans. Okay, how
was he getting killed for this because an angel helped him? Well. The
holy warrior then dedicated his life to the cause of Christ oh no, which
caused the problem with the emperor. Hey, man, you got some killing
you still gotta do. Suggested the two should go together to make sacrifices to
artemism, and Curious was like, no, I got some secret juice here,
and I can't do that no more. But secrets like an angels in
the outfield situation, but it's angels on the battlefield. Yeah. So they
were super grateful for his help winning the war, but they just couldn't get
down with him talking about this Christ God. Yeah, it's like your buddy
who you really like is it's scientologist. All of a sudden, it's like
and he talks about it a lot. Yeah, and you're like, dude,
thanks for helping me build that shed. Yeah, but I have to
I have to kill you. I have to kill you. Yeah. Yeah.
So they end up tying him to four pillars over a fire and servants
slashed at his body with knives. Okay, again, it feels like convoluted
for so, I'm guessing he's he's horizontal here, he's like stretched out and
the blood's kind of going into the flames, making like boy, it's he's
oozing, yeah, and his blood's cooking. Literally, he bled so much
that it put out the fire. Great near dead. The Angel healed this
man. Okay, fire, please stop healing me. Yeah, you're just
prolonging, like passing out, and the Angel heals his wounds and all this
thing's like yeah yeah, because like finally the Great Embrace of death. Yeah
yeah, might just respond. Is Angel's first day on the job. Yeah,
it's like I'm helping, right, yeah, helping get it stop helping
me. Frustrated that the man wouldn't die, they simply cut his head off.
He was probably equally frustrated. It's like I too would like to die.
He just like cut his head off, and then like finally and then
all of a sudden, you see your head like like pop out, popping,
or like just levitates and just shoots back onto the stump of his neck,
grus itself back on. It's like, God, dang angels, like
I did it. I'm miracle, but I never did learn how to make
someone make fire and I heard someone, so there's only so much I can
do. It's day one, guys. Next up, we have Saint Lawrence
born December two hundred twenty five a d. He was a deacon charge with
accounting for Theatricia's material well, all of which he distributed to the poor.
Oh bad, look not great. In retaliation, the Roman seized Lawrence and
put his body on a giant gridiron. Okay, roasting him alive over hot
coals, that's all right. Yeah, you know he's the patron saint of
slow cooked barbecue. He is actually the patron saint of roasters. No,
are you looking these up? Yeah? As I said the name, are
you making this shit up? I'm not making up any of it, I
swear out. He's also the patron saint of firefighters. Well, what's the
other guy that got cooked over the fire? He didn't get it? I
guess. I don't know. He's a soldier, so maybe the soldiers maybe.
Oh, he didn't have anything, mercurious, Yeah, he didn't have
anything. He came alive. He was healed too many times to have a
patronage, I guess. Yeah. Allegedly, after suffering calmly and gracefully on
a hot iron, Lawrence joked to his persecutors, I'm well done. Turned
me over. That's a good kid. Oh man, I just love how
you reveal this, because I'll read these and I'll be like, well,
that one's weird. That doesn't make sense. He's also the patron saying of
comedians. No because he got a zinger in yeah, towards his execution.
Yea, hey, man, I respect the zinger. I'm done. Yeah,
turning me over. Uh huh. Do you think everyone had a laugh?
I bet yeah, I bet everyone had. They laughed. Yeah,
they laughed. I was like, Okay, that's good, it's good,
all right, flip him, breaks up the monotony. Yeah, gotta get
bored killing after a while for the state. You know, it's just a
job. Yeah, throw him on the fire. Yeah, it's just you're
clocking in, clocking out, one of those Roman guards. Like you know,
man, you're the kind of guy that makes this worth it. You
know, like I sit here and I do this day after day. You
really Yeah, you made my day man. Yeah, Like, thanks so
much. I'm gonna keep doing this that you gave me the will to continue.
Saint Antipas was a bishop in Pergamon. Oh yeah, I'd never know
how to say that, the Greek city in modern day Turkey. Yeah,
I never know how to say it. It's it's it's one of the cities
in Rome. Total war. Ant Antiochus, Antikus, what an Antipus Antipas,
Okay, the Antipas. He was, of course roasted alive in the
Brazen Bowl. Oh, he got the classic in ninety two. Yeah,
so you see the patron saying of installation, No he is not, what
is he? I'm really enjoying hearing how they die, then hearing what they're
the patrons saying of no he was, he's not. Keep going. I'll
fag well, he's only got one and we'll see if it has is related
to anything. Was that it just yeah, the Brazen Bowl. I can
describe it to the people that don't know at home. You might as well,
just in case, because we talk about it a lot. But they'd
make a sculpture of a brass right, a brass bowl, and they put
you inside, cook you alive, and then they've got little thorns in it.
These pipes will have like the smoke come out and the screams. Yeah,
the bull looks like it's breathing steam, yeah, which is badass.
And then you're inside screaming because you're in the worst pain you could ever imagine.
But once it goes through the pipes or whatever, it sounds like a
bowl or maybe like something song or something like that. It converted to something.
It's way better on the outside, but the metal is melting into your
body. Yeah it's not great. Yeah, No, you're being cooked a
lot. The guy that invented it was then put inside of it because the
guy because he showed it to the emperor, and the emperor was like,
you piece of shit. I mean he was like, we're gonna use it,
but you're first, you're sick. Yeah, tests it out. So
he's his only patron saint is a he's a patron saint against toothaches. What
we got him for everything? Why that though I'm not not you pray to
Saint Antipas if you're tooth hurts. I understand the concept. I'm just saying
it doesn't line up with it. Well, who are you supposed to pray
to? There wasn't a guy that had his teeth forcibly removed one by one.
Maybe, but maybe there's other more important stuff that he did. Yeah,
you can't want them all. Next up, we got Saint Fian who
was only eighteen when, according to his legend, was killed in three oh
five. If Fian had recently become a Christian while away at school, it's
always these ideas you get in college, you know, yeah, you know
he probably was the most like annoying new convert you come back for your or
your orgy feast over Saturnalia break and just saying all this weird shit at the
table while you know, everyone's trying to get their dick sucked by a crying
slave Saturnalia. Actually be the other way around, a bunch of crying slaves
are getting their dick sucked. Oh yeah, yeah that's true. Wait,
how do you suppose his name though? A p h I, A n
okay, Alfie, a fian whatever it is? Wow? Nothing woo.
He was arrest stood for disturbing the sacrifice and tortured locked in a dungeon.
The next day, he was beaten with clubs, his skin torn off with
iron claws, and he slowly burned over a fire. But he just kept
alive. Wait what they kept? Them slow roasted him as they ripped his
skin off and stuff. Just keep keep him alive as long as possible.
Yeah, that's a lot for interrupting a sacrifice that seems like the most like
could have been an accident. Yeah, oh what's up? Oh shit?
So anyway, Yeah, I was learning about this guy Jesus at school and
they're like, hey, killing a fucking calf over here, I'm trying to
slit this cow's throat. Dude. After suffering for three days, I fian
finally expired when his captors tossed him into the ocean with stones tied to his
feet. It probably didn't need to do all that. Probably hurt a lot
because he didn't have skin at all. Yeah, probably hurt a shit ton.
Yeah, i'd imagine probably have also died. And he's not swimming.
Do you ever have like a cut on your hand and you get into the
ocean and it's like, oh, that's steam. Yeah, imagine your whole
body as a cut. Shortly after, though, it gets a little revenge.
An earthquake hits the city, and his body this spit back in the
shore. Cool, what's his revenge? Did the earthquake kill his torturers?
It's just wreck shit in the city. Oh and spit him back out.
That's kind of whatever. Yeah, really revenge sounds just like an earthquake happened.
I think an earthquake probably just happened. Yeah, it was a weird
coincidence something of damn it. The bugs back see it's just a cricket,
somebody. God. Next, we have a thirteen year old good lord Saint
you Walia of Barcelona, first woman on the board. It's Eu l A
L I A. Yeah, I got it. How would you say that?
Rob? And even that's probably wrong, but you know, most the
story goes that Rome's emperor at the time ordered her to endure thirteen tortures,
one for each year of her life. Smart, yeah, at this tradition
to recant her Christianity. Okay, what was the first one? Well,
here's some of like the big ones. Oh boy, this is a grim
painting. She was placed into a barrel full of knives and broken glass and
then rolled down the street. Oh not great, I swear. They just
like it was a great time. It was a great thousand years to be
a psychopath, one of the best. Yeah, well really, like God,
just psychos had so much fun for decades, like, not decades,
centuries and centuries. It was just free game. It's like, hey,
get creative. Yeah, and no one had ever done that. You just
like there had to be someone workshop like sitting around being like you know what
I thought though, there was like an SNL writer's room for psychos. Yeah,
it was just like all right, guys, barrel right, Jacob,
go kill that cricket. No, you brought this here. I did not
bring it. You brought it here with your sacrilege and your blasphemy. It
feels like a bad sign. It does kind of an inspiration to World War
two. Japanese soldiers have one of her breast cut off. Perfect. Yeah,
they did that a lot, I think to women back then. Yeah,
pretty common. She was crucified on the X shaped cross Saint Andrews St.
Andrew's Cross. Just a lot of beatings, just you know, thirteen
days of torture. Yeah, yeah, the barrel full of knives and the
first day of torture. Yeah. I don't know how she got past that
one. That's really the hard one. Yeah, just crawled out, Oh
you made it. You just put her in there, and he's just like
started dumping broken glass and old knives in there that you don't want anymore,
and then put you in it, close the barrel and just roll you down.
Yeah. You ever getting a tire as a kid, Yeah, and
roll Yeah, just makes you want to throw up just constantly. So I
think about that. You're not only just like nauseous from rolling in this barrel.
But now you're covered and just broken glass and knives. Not ideal,
No, it's the it's it's really ad added. There probably is some puke
in there. You're bleeding and it's blood, puke, glass, all the
bad stuff. Yeah, did you dispatch the cricket? Dan? Okay,
we'll see things gonna start chirping in like five seconds. Yeah. Probably I
just kicked something and it stopped. You got the drill, It got the
message. Well, she's only the patron saint of like against drought and sailors
and stuff and Barcelona. But uh yeah nothing nothing fancy there being decapitated.
That's what kills her. That'll do it. So she survives all these like
brutal things and then gets decapitated. But when she does die, her head
rolls to the ground a few times and a white dove flies out of her
mouth. What was the white dove doing in there? That was God?
That was her soul flying out. It's like a white wing d that's part
of Katholic cannon that you have it that your soul is white dove living inside
of you. Oh really, yeah, no, you're making that up to
I can tell because you try to go pass it really quick. Yeah,
that's what the Stephen Nick's song is about. What White Winged Dove. Oh
yeah about that girl sat Euphemia, who passed in three h three C.
Refused to take part in pagan sacrifices. She chosen said to hide in the
house with dozens of other Christians and worship God. Sounds boring, but all
right. Yeah, a lot of these people were trying to get martyred.
They're trying too hard. Yeah, yeah, just kill me at this point,
kill me. Forgot the Euphemia, the youngest of the group, was
tortured for days and an effort to break her spirit I and they didn't.
They did not. These people are way too much resolved. Yeah yeah,
if they did that to me right now, they'd be like, listen,
and you can't believe in Lord Athos anymore. We used a lot of different
brutal tactics, including the breaking wheel. Oh not a good one. Yeah,
not fun, you know, I bet for like the first second of
the breaking wheel, though, it feels kind of good, like it cracks
your back a little bit. Yeah, you feel like a line for the
first time in a while. Well, we've talked about that before, like
there's probably a moment when you're getting staked by Vlad where it's kind of nice
going past your prostate and maybe a little sensation. Yeah oh this isn't okay.
Yeah yeah, you're like first you're like, oh yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah yeah yeah. But after all these torture methods could not break
this young lady, well, her spirit and the prosperity. Yeah, they
decided to throw her in the arena and feed her to the lions. Classic.
Well, the lines ended up just kind of licking her wounds and just
chilling hanging out the e oh you know, a piss. They were probably
at those Those lions then got puts in. There's some Roman that's like the
lion doesn't want to be fed, lion wants to hunt. Right as the
lines lay there, they're like, release the bear. Classic. So yeah,
the tears of shreads. You gotta have a backup vicious animal, you
know, in case one just wants bear. Yeah, and then the bear
was like also looking. Rooms were like, all right, give them both
cocaine bears, Like this is delicious. You guys are crazy. Lions.
Come on real quick. We do have some ads on this show and before
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Bros. All right, let's get back to it. Next up is Saint
Sebastian. He was sentenced to death after it was found out that he was
a Christian who had been converting his fellow soldiers another another soldier. He was
tied to a tree and sentenced to death with arrows. Oh firing squiring squad.
Cool, Pretty cool. He's the patron saint of marksmanship. Yeah yeah,
So they light him off with arrows as he's tied to a tree,
and uh they leave him. Butmie homie survives. A lot of these people
live the initial way. A strong guy. You know, he's a fucking
soldier. He's probably been shot by an arrow before. Yeah. He was
found by a woman who was later revealed to be Saint Irene, who nursed
him back to health. Once the Emperor found he was alive. Still,
they just how would he ever know? They just recaptured him. Yeah,
how would you ever know? Did he? Like he had to this?
This dude had to go back out and be like, still, Lord kept
me alive. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, they're they're a little too
much. Yeah. You know, it's like, homie, chill, like
God told you, God told you you're getting a second chance. I gave
you a gift, bro, and you ran right back to it. Yeah
you see the power of the Oh no, yeah yeah. Yeah. So
they kind of just go old school and club them to death and then throw
his body in the room and sewer yikes. Sure, you see. The
patron Saint of irrigation is the patron Saint of archers. That makes sense.
Uh, he didn't get any sewer related patronages though, I guess unless you
count plague stricken mhm. He's the patronage of the plague stricken could be and
disabled people's and soldiers. But so yeah, really just the archers. Kind
of a similar fate for our guys, saying, Edmund here he came across
the wrong bike in ninth century. I was gonna say this sounds medieval.
Ninth century Danish lord Ivar the Boneless he had to be. Did he not
have any children? You know? On the show of Vikings, they just
make him a cripple the boneless? Yeah, really interesting. I didn't realize
he was in the show Vikings. That's funny. Yeah, it's not historically
accurate. Oh damn, well he's Ragnar's son, Yeah, Ragnar. All
the people in the show Vikings live in different timeliness. They just mash them
together. They're like, you idiots, won't know it's for TV. Yeah,
we didn't. Snman of course, would not put up a fight against
the Vikings, and they continuously pelted him with arrows as he called out to
Christ for help, but nobody was home. No. Infuriated by his faith,
they chopped off his head and threw it into the woods. Emmons people
went in search for his head, calling out, where are you friend?
Okay, expecting to hear a response. I don't hear him, be like,
oh the heead but just my head though. According to the story,
though, the actually did respond, shouting out here in an ancient tongue.
Huh that ancient tongue was tongues. It was, Yeah, it happens.
So when they found his head, they found it in a hungry wolf's pause,
Uneaten, that's like, it's a miracle. The wolf didn't eat,
like, the wolf just found it. Wolf didn't let it go. Yeah,
it was like no, yeah, I think no, I would like
this woo. Yeah. Edmund's followers believe the wolf had been sent by Christ
to protect it. Sure, sure instead of eating it. Yeah. The
king was given a proper burial and his wounds miraculously healed. His head reattached
to his body, and his skin did not decay after years of his burial.
So they just attached to his body. But he didn't live. It
didn't bring it back to life. No, he was dead. I was
that damn angel. They just reattached his head to his corpse. Yeah,
it's a miracle, semi miracle. There's a low bar for these things.
I'm starting to find out. Oh yeah, it's like one guy did the
Heimlich Yeah, yeah, like the other one survived rolling in a barrel full
of glass. No, that's a miracle, that kind of Finally we have
Agnes. It was born to Roman nobility. Oh is this the dragon?
Yeah? This is We did this chick before in my episode. This is
the Dragon on stuff about birth and stuff like that. Mmm, maybe a
different woman. I don't know. Killing the version was illegal, so Agnes
was dragged naked to a brothel to have her cherry popped. Yep, yea
it was her was the dragon? Grun pretty? I can't remember. I'm
still looking at it, but just keep going. Well. While at the
brothel, several men tried to rape her, and as they attempted to they
were all blinded. Christ Cock blocked them. No, they actually just were
jacking off to get their dicks hard. And jacking off makes you go blind.
That's true, that happens. Yeah, that's why all of us can
see. Or hair would magically grow in places of our body to keep the
men from being able to penetrate her. Just gets like, what do you
mean what thick hair get? Just? I guess just a big old bush
came all about and oh did it was just swatting away the did there's like
so there was like maybe a like a ass bush too. They're like,
fine, we do it on the back end, and then there's another like
black. It's kind of cool. That's joke. That's a miracle. That's
a good angel. That's a good angel. It's just like spinning wool using
what you got. Yeah, you know, after they finally give up on
trying to rape her, they're like, you know what, who cares?
Just you can kill a virgin. Just tire her up to a steak and
burn her like we tried new rule. They're like, burn the witch.
Yeah. Uh, however, the wood simply would not burn. What's probably
got it from the wet wood pile, you gotta think. Yeah, so
you know they couldn't rape her. It's a miracle that couldn't burn her alive.
They go to the Old Faithful, they cut her head off. No,
they just let her go. What's no, that's not true. He
said she was a martyr. Well yeah, she got her throat slit.
Okay, well yeah, so she got almost her headcup. Apparently the angel
or whatever miracle was protecting her just did not protect the throat can't do at
all. Yeah, it's like, listen, I just spun a fucking blanket
out of your pubic hair. But it's silver lining. She died a version.
That's nice, that's good. No one ruined her. She is the
patron Saint of chastity and virgins, victims of sexual abuse, betrothed couples.
So does that mean married couples or a couple like engaged. Yes, if
you were betrothed to someone, you married to them. Swords doing great today
today. Yeah, she's also the patron saint of Girl Guides. I don't
know what that means. Oh, girl Scouts. She's patron saint girl Scouts.
Nice. What about boss bitches? Uh well yeah, like what sort
of the power moms? Yeah, well that's sort of the younger version.
You know, she was never really like how old was she? Thirteen?
Yeah? The Romans, so she was a kid. The Romans actually prevented
a really big like or essential oil problem. Actually didn't have an age.
I don't think she was thirteen. It says this says she is there.
She was thirteen. Yeah, I mean she was betrothed, she was she
was promised to a man. Thirteen sounds about right, you're right at that
time? Yeah, yeah, lovely time. Yeah, what was the worst
death you heard? You know, it might actually be being pulled apart by
twelve year olds, I think, so that the mechanics of that just sounds
as bad as could possibly be by kids you taught. Yeah, like the
people you were trying to lead into being good people, and I bet they
had a great time. It's like, hey, remember that pop quiz.
Yeah, this is for that. I'm about to pop your nipple off,
pop the fucking shoulder out of your socket. Yeah, because and you know
that there was like just one kid in the back who who you know,
he liked you, like the nerd, but they got to make the nerd
do it too, and you're just like, it's okay, Stevie, it's
okay, just pull my pull my arm. But then he does something too
too bad, like he plucks your eye out. You're like, everyone's like,
dude, what what Jesus? Cry Like Stevie does the most fucked up
or really it should just be like Stevie, kill me, get a knife,
kill me, and he just stabs him wrong, get over and over
again. Yeah. God, have you seen Infinity Pool? Yeah? Oh,
No, it's so good. There's a scene with a kid killing a
man. It's like the amount of stabs the kid requires to kill the guy
is just graphics. Yeah. Sweet, but it's a good movie. Raising
bulls pretty terrible choose. It's it's not even the heat, it's the confined
space. Yeah, it is a combination of it. I mean, and
by the way, Pitch Black, I think it's the music it makes too.
At the end, Well you don't hear it. Yeah, that's the
sickest part. Yeah, you don't get to hear the song, the rudest
part about it. Yeah, I mean, Brazen bull is an actual like
nightmare way to die, trying to think being flayed alive awful. Yeah,
it's gonna be really bad too. Yeah, but honestly, I don't know.
Being ripped apart by nine year olds sounds bad. I yeah, it's
gotta be so slow, also emasculating, right, and at some point they
are just like with pure force ripping your dick and balls off. Yeah,
they're breaking your hands and feet like it's gotta take a while. Yeah.
They always ask how many like ten year olds you could fight? How many
ten year olds would it take? The rip you apart, right, if
you're tied to a steak. Yeah, I don't know. I don't want
to find out. At least a couple dozen. Oh yeah, I just
that whole scenario of the ten year olds. It's just like it's not even
a good exercise and thought less than you think. It's less than you think.
I guess it depends how your cardio is. Yeah, I mean kids
can move. I guess are the kids afraid of you? Do the kids
have fear? That's really the They have no fear. Oh, they have
no fear. Then you just like five of them? Yeah, got you?
If that, I think it gonna take more than five ten year olds,
not if they don't have fear, not if they're just fucking attack zombies.
Yeah, if they're just sprinters. You just talked about being tired up
and how many it would take to kill you. But they're not attack zombies.
They're hesitant ten year olds. I mean eventually the feeding frenzy begins,
but yeah, they see the blood after the first crap like sharks. Yeah,
once you get in there and they can start really just like pulling away
all your organs and yeah, it's like a pinata, right Once Once you
break the pinata open, the candy starts dumping out. But you know,
sometimes if you're little, for little kids, they're weak, it takes a
while to get the pinata open. That's probably the most accurate way to describe
what happened to that guy. But without a bat or candy. Yeah,
little switch pens, Oh that pens. Pens, pens, switch pens or
something that's even worse, pens. Imagine getting stabbed at death with a pen
sounds bad? Yeah, not ideal, bro, I'd rather be stabbed with
a knife. Probably. Yeah, it's cleaner. Well what oh you mean,
like just a cleaner cut, cleaner cut. Yeah, it's going it's
gonna kill you. Think infections, it canna be your problem. No infection
of the last thing I'm worried about. Yeah, it's gonna awesome. Suck
to lead the Romans to victory and then be like oh, thanks God,
and they're like, whoo wait what what what'd you say? Which God?
God? Yeah? No, you only you're the one God, guy,
You're one of our best. You hate to see it happened this way.
Honestly, A low key, really bad one is the chick who is tortured
than eaten by a bear, Yeah, because bears eat you alive. A
lion will kill you, bite your neck and bleed you out and then eat
you. I can't believe the lion's tend to protector. They probably just removed
the lions then. Yeah. Yeah, they weren't like wasting a lion or
a bear, right, Yeah, yeah, bears just in case the bear
goes after the lion. Bears just go right in the middle. The other
day, when I was doing research for RPR to find a nature Nook figure
it's an animal attack segment. We do one another show. I went way
way too deep down a rabbit a Reddit rabbit hole, and I found these
pictures, pictures of these three Russians that were eaten by a bear, and
it's it was bad. Did you ever see the one I think it was.
I think it happened in the US, the guy that got eaten.
They found the dead bear and they cut it open and they found the guy
inside of it and like it was his like lower half and his dog was
still intact. Yeah, Dick was, Yeah, he's still his Dick did
not get mauled. Yeah, good for him. He was eating from the
top down. I guess if you had to choose an execution in any of
these methods, where are you going with? What if I had to pick
one? Yeah, it's like we're gonna kill you with one of these methods.
You get to pick, though, how would you want to go out?
Wasn't beheading one of them? Eventually? But that's actually go after Yeah,
I'll go the ups and upside down, crucifixion, sad and half really,
I guess because they're all pretty slow. Being sawed in half would suck?
Which one of these wouldn't? I'm just saying that sounds quicker. Yeah,
yeah, my answer is whatever the fastest. You're probably bleeding out,
like almost immediately. I definitely wouldn't take the fucking shitty angel death. You
know, you just keeps healing you over the fire, that's the word.
That might be the worst one, you know, the sadd and half upside
down though they're starting with your junk, it doesn't matter at that point.
You know you're gonna die. You're not like, oh no, my penis.
It's again it's the amount of pain. You might pass out from the
pain immediately actually yeah, yeah, and you're upside down, so that that'll
probably who is Today's Hitler Roll Rome it's mostly wrong. Yeah, yeah,
it's funny that, Like it's always funny to see like historical figures that you
obviously know exist at the same time, but like they seem very disparate interact,
Like how Nero had Peter executed. Yeah, but where is Jesus and
all of this dead He's I mean, and then send it. He's not
accountable for all these awful deaths. He's in heaven. Well, these these
guys go to heaven. What's a couple of days of suffering for an eternity
of salvation? What are they doing in heaven? That's so great. It's
kind of floating. You're kind of just like it's kind of just like you
know, you're on Molly. Yeah, really great Molly twenty four seven,
and there's no like come down. Yeah, that'd be the worst part if
you had to come down from heaven. That's hell. Is the that is
actually hell. You have to you go on Molly. There is a couple
of days and then that calm down. It is just brutal. I read
about one read about these before, but like near death experiences, you know,
and like people just saying what they saw when they come back or whatever.
And one guy was time of how he was giving given a tour of
heaven and like part of it was like these people going to be reincarnated and
they were just like really stealing themselves for going back to Earth, like just
about it, like no, no, they were just like oh why am
I doing this? Come on? Come on, like then why were they
doing it? Yeah? No, there's a really funny like there's a what
is it called prison planet theory about Earth where it's like, uh, interdimensional
beings trick you into believing reincarnations the move Yeah, where it's like, don't
do it, like it's just a trap to keep your soul stuck here.
But it's like that's the light. Basically, we're like they disguised themselves as
your relatives, like oh, we're all here and we all do this.
Yeah. It's like but I really like the idea that you have to,
Like it's like going on a really intense roller coaster, like oh I can
do it, Yeah, come on, don't be a pussy. It sounded
like it was like you're on a he wanted to get dropped into Normandy or
something, you know what I mean, Like you're about I mean, if
heaven's all it's cracked up to be, I'm sure life is very much suffering.
Like you know this, this is probably a nightmare compared to what heaven
even a lot of the good moments, you know what I mean, like,
yeah, because they have to be defined by pain, right, Yeah,
you guys learn anything today. I learned that we have a very interesting
system of deciding saint patronage. Yeah, it's very specifically focused on one part
of their life. How did he die? Woolcombing? He ended up wool
cup by the way, I googled those and yeah, not fun, No
good lord, Oh how'd she does? She rolled into glass barrel? She's
the patron saying of broken junk. Yeah, I don't know how she wasn't
the patron saying of like, yeah, broken glass, nives, nive barrels,
cutlery. Yeah, patron saint of roller coasters. We have always been
kind of brutal, is what I learned. Yeah, pretty much. We
knew that. Yeah, we knew that. Yeah, but I think Rob's
right. There was like a solid century or two where it was just like
have at it, boys, I'm crushing it. Yeah, dude, you
know, people are like oh, I was born at the wrong time.
There's probably you think about it, there's probably millions of people today that would
have thrived in those riders rooms. Oh yeah, it's the It's funny if
there's like, oh, that'd be a good sketch too, if there's like
a shitty rider that everyone hated and he's like, okay, guys, I
got it, and all of his death ideas are fucking stupid or it's just
too much production, yeah, or honestly we talked like the upside down cross
sawing. Yeah, probably evoluted, mixed up. It was his first day.
Yeah. Yeah, it's like, you know, you're you're mixing your
message here. Yeah, you know, you really want to be concise and
to the point like brevity soul of death here. So no, I think
you gotta think there's like torture of the month to where it's like, hey,
guys, I figured out if I use two pitchforks, I can stab
them twice as much. Like, well, that's our episode for today.
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Rob Fox, I'm damn Rochester and you just got solf served