Starts to bind ros and to part with those they don't complain. What a
holy served the sea runs because don't need no costs as in drug dry those
in drug those in drugs. I beat her teams and group fantasy offers,
take hard and sadistic games master Willie and Timers. Hey everybody, I'm John
Hartness, and I'll be playing the role of Alphonse Lightbringer, who definitely does
not have a cat sitting on his computer right now. Gandolf move in real
life, I do have a cat sitting on my computer right now, and
I write a bunch of things, and I run Falstaff Books, which publishes
a bunch of the fine people sitting on these authors and dragon shows. So
get out there and give us all your moneys. I am Joseph Brassie played
the role of Calhashwood Stoned Paladin. I was an author of the Mongoliad books.
My novel Skyfarer and Dragon Road can be found anywhere books are sold.
And I am I am the author of such non existent titles as tiny Lego
Man has tiny plastic pepe. You guess the story, Greetings, flashbags,
I am Metallic Hazam, the Electrical Ethical Enforcer or In real life, I
am Drew Hayes, author of books such as Superpowered, Spread, The Vampire
Accountant to the last of which posthumous education is available in audio ebook and Prince.
Hello friends. My name is Robert Bevan. I played the role of
Jocero the Sorcerer. In real life. I am right. The Caverns and
Creature series have comedy fantasy novels and short stories, starting with the first book,
Critical Failures. Yeah, Stan Dandieliver here currently dead. But you can't
keep a bad man down. In real life. My name is Steve Wevill
and I publish publish shit. Yeah I do. I self published. That's
how that works. Shoot dads to doom, say Jenny, all kinds of
books. Got check him out. Hey everyone, my name is Rick Qualtirian.
I am the oddly long hairs at the end of this knuckle sandwich.
In real life, I write several things. But if you're listening to this
now, you should pick up Bent Not Broken, the hybrid of High Moon
four, which just came out on audiobook, available wherever you enjoy picking up
audio books, and unless it's from some guy on the corner. But as
long as I'm getting paid, it don't really matter anyway. When last we
left our intrepid group, they were in the sewers well, and it just
gotten their s is kicked by the jorce for family and now they're all dead.
So that's it. Go home, take the next hour, make yourself
some popcorn, and I don't know, go watch some breaking bad reruns.
Well that's what I was doing until now, and now an hour of dead
air to pad the run time. Yeah, I'll be watching will Trent on
Hulu. So y'all have fun. So none of you are sure how long
you're within the blissful silence of unconsciousness, But after a while, eventually you
hear a voice, waky wiky, time to get old, Nikki. Oh
my, I don't love this. What do I roll? To remain unconscious?
Alas you all come to Oh why, and you are seated around a
table and what appears to be a study. Not only are Trunk the Monk
and Whiter the Fighter there, but so is Jisert the Wizard, seated at
the head d of the table across from Georserer. You notice a few interesting
things around the room. There is a bucket in the in the northeast corner,
or a large barrel in the northeast corner, on top of a rug
which is oddly stained. There is a Ice Day tree in the northwest corner,
and in the other corners you see disturbingly anatomical, anatomically correct versions of
Big Red and a snowman. Oh and you just so happened to notice that
you and everyone else in this room have been stripped naked. I'm more disturbed
by the fact these guys haven't even taken down our Ice Day decorations yet.
It's disgraceful, my modesty, my wonder. But the only one is wearing
anything are Jorcerer. You have your hat on, Jizzard has his hat on,
Whiter has his helmet on. Oh and everybody and your foes are armed,
whereas you are all not well, as long as everybody's still got a
hats on, that's fine. I don't love this. I'd like to remove
my hat and cover my wonder. I'd like to go see if there's anything
in the bucket. As Jessard, do you seem to recall defeating looks around.
It's like, oh my, you're the wake how wondrous joyser. Take
a look. I know you know these surroundings, do I? And yes,
they look very familiar Grandma's house. Did we all just get caught up
in joseph as intervention? Is that what it says? With a sense of
perhaps growing hard, you realize you've been in this room before many times.
As a matter of fact, looking around, you realize you are in your
family's ancestral keep. Oh that's fun. I guess the hall of flesh.
Oh no, I don't like it here anymore. I didn't like you like
it here to start. I was willing to give it the benefit of the
doubt for about five seconds. Is this where father used to beat me?
Within an hour? And glass? Jesus, how of us were you supposed
to learn to be on time? Ah? The game showed you the hand
out right, Yeah, the penis shaped belt. If you're if you're listening
to this and not watching along on the YouTube, Rick has shown us a
building that is very penisy cockish. Yes, wondrous penisque Oh, certainly you
remember all the wonderful times we had her choice for speaking that to me of
time, This wondrous fortress once owned by your late uncle uncle. God fucking
damn it. He turns the rest of you, and he's like, oh
yes, Every ice day our family would gather here for a wondrous time.
All of us children would cook for it naked as the adult strength fermented yakpiss,
opening presents and having a glorious time. But there was a catch.
Whoever unwrapped a gift and found a lump of coal inside, they would have
decreased themselves up and spend an hour in the barrel of naughtiness. I really
don't like this place. Oh but the best part was at the end of
the day we'd all have a big laugh as we realized all the gifts were
nothing but lumps of coal. You know, I actually had a very fine
bottle of fermented yact pace. If he excuse me, I'll just go and
get it. I hate to show up to a party empty handed. Oh
no, no, no, this is still better than festivals. Am I
close enough to this table to touch it? The table? Yeah? Yeah,
you could touch the table. Great. I want to slam my head
into it until I'm unconscious. You could jump into the department of table like
a little Maria. Fuck. I'll try that anything to save me from this.
I don't think that's gonna save you. I think that's just gonna be
easier to get you a un barrel. Why don't we all roll initiative.
I mean, I'm the smallest person here. I fit better in a barrel,
and I don't like that. Stop making a case for it. Cal
rolls a three metallic exam rolls are nine. Finally stand Danniel Liver rolls at
twenty. Alphons rolls an eleven. Joseph the Sorcerer rolls at ten. All
right, well it looks like Jizzard goes first. Let me give him a
perception role. He rolls a twelve. I guess you can't see that.
Are we back at full health? Yes, you were all back to full
health. Okay, so it might take you a while, Alphons, but
I'll let you get at least one shot into onto your forehead. So you're
probably wondering why we brought you here. Well, now you made that pretty
clear. It's the buggery, right. No, we're no longer we're no
longer children. Oh no, that makes it not better. We won't fit
in the barrel of naughtiness. He turns you, Alphons, Well you might.
You're welcome to try keep banging at head. Alphon. No, my
friends. Look at the center of the table and you see sitting in the
center of the table a child. Now what appears to be some kind of
stuffed animal. I don't love that. Oh deah, yeah, It's like,
oh this is this was my best friend growing up, Roddy the rot
grub. Okay, did you guys have a falling out or I'd take him
with me everywhere under my robes. Don't love that even more? Well,
you see, Roddy is a very special rot grub. I'm sure he is.
I've spent the last couple of years and enchanting him with all sorts of
wondrous magic. So we're all going to play a game called rot grub Roulette.
Why? Oh because I want to because embarrassing Jocer and why forcing him
to watch his friends die? Oh that makes me. That makes me so
intertid. I don't think he actually cares about us that much, not as
close to these people as you might think, not a man about two days.
But you have a chance, as rock grouper, that is a game
of a is a game of chance. If you win well, the hall
of Flesh will go to the winner. I really don't want to own this
place. When do you say, go to to win us? So if
we kill Look, if we kill your worm, we get a castle.
He's a stuffed animal. He's not alive. Well, that's gonna make it
a lot easier. Oh no, no, See, as I said,
he's been enchanted. When it's your turn, you'll get the call forth on
Roddy to deliver one of his wondrous magics to you. Some of the magics
are good, some of the magics are bad. And one of the magics,
well, is instant death? Great? What number am I hoping for
to get the instant death? Oh well, I guess you'll have to find
that out. I'm first. Oh no, no, no, we're all
an initiative. I don't know what that means. It's like I will demonstrate
and go first. Okay, if you get the instant death, do we
automatically win? Fingers crushed, Well, no, because that would be immensely
satisfied. My other cousins are here, and that, like you know,
whiter is is like, I will kill you fucking subhumans. Great, he's
such a downer. It's pronounced superior to humans. All right, I can
see what my role in this is all going to be dick punching the fighter.
Oh what have I mentioned that you have no choice because otherwise we'll just
kill you again. That's what I'm fucking begging for. Oh, by the
time this has done, you'll beg. Maybe you'll even beg to go in
the barrel of naughtiness. I don't really foresee that a right. So you
watch as u Jizzard reaches across the table and turns the rot grub towards him.
Nothing seems to change about Jizzard, although you know he looks he looks
rather thoughtful for a moment. As for what something something indeed happened. As
for what, well, that's for me to know and for the rest of
you to find out. Can we see his erection? Well, since he's
naked. Yes, In fact, Dan, since you're sitting next to him,
you get you can very much see it. Wait a minute, did
he did he always have an erection? Since you've woken up, Bang goes
that fairy. At least he's consistent, Dan, I'm gonna need you to
stab me twice. Say Stan doesn't have any weapons on it? Yeah,
what did you want me to stab you with? Friend? Yeah? I
think Jesser did a better position to stab you. If I thought it would
blind me, I'd go for it. That's not gonna that's not big enough
to poke my eye out. So Jessar turns to you, Stan, He's
like, you are up first, friend. I always knew i'd die surrounded
by naked widows. So I will need you to roll a D twenty bloop
eighteen. Okay, as you were sitting there, Stan, your arms double
in length. Well, this is weird. Your arms are now double in
length, and if you were to engage in combat you have a five you
have a extra five feet of reach. Nice. Also, you can now
give yourself a reach around. Quite true, it seems to overly complicate an
already pretty simple procedure. But especially since your hands now reached to the ground,
well, I can see this quite useful for picking things up and such.
You are your own perfect Backscratcher's not too bad, excellent, excellent,
Whiter You're up next, Grumbles. It's like a stupid game which you're just
chillies. Subhumans and subhuman lovers come on everybody. Instant death, instant of
death. Yes, as you watch, nothing seems to change on him.
I call bullshit. Kronk goes it's still a prick. He walks over.
She's like, all right, let me let me do this. Uh and
she doesn't you see her WinCE. She's like, oh that's not good.
All right, who's next, you shorty? Do I have any option to
do anything other than rolla D twenty? I mean you can try. Okay,
I want to shoot whiter in the dick with my radiant sun bolt.
All right, I assume that doesn't require much No, No, I I
can. I just have to take the attack action to use that as a
bonus action. Okay, So I guess I have to throw something at him.
Oh darn uh, what are you throwing at him? The rout grub?
All right, As you throw the rout grub, it disappears mid air
and reappears back on the table. But again, you can do or do
I still get my thing? That count is rolling it? No? You
can? You can. You can take out your bonus action. Those are
really quick. Um. Yeah, so I'll spend a key point and use
that. So that's a twenty five and a twenty four. All right.
Well, he's only wearing a helmet, so his armor class is not that
that's not that high. That's fourteen points of dick damage. Ah, what
is it worth you all and touching my dick? I'm thirty, I'm any
feet away. I didn't touch your deck. I just burned it off,
you bigoted shit head. He's like, we're a group that enjoys a challenge
and a hard target to find. Also, you stripped us down. Would
you like to do anything else? Out far? I mean, I guess,
Uh, I guess suicide's out of the question, So I guess now
I roll my rock grubb thing. Well, no, you already took an
action. Awesome, I'm out of I don't want to have to do the
rock grub thing. Okay, cool, Yes, as long as I look
at you. And he's like, oh, somebody wants to be in the
naughty barrel. We'll get back to you in a moment. Joyce. Rah
hmm. Well, now that I know that attacking them is an option,
and well, ah, and that ending up in the naughty barrel is an
option. No, I've been in the naughty barrel apparently, um several Yeah,
what he had instead of a play? Well, but on the other
hand, um, those arms, like I feel like I could reach my
wonder in different ways I'm gonna roll the dice. I'm not gonna lie.
This's is pretty sweet. Yeah eight oh dear. For a moment, nothing
happened, but then a monstrous ogre appears next to you. Oh hello,
looks down, screams, and smashes you in the face with its club.
That's you know, the arms thing was way better. The arms finging is
way better. Yes, it hits for it's hits twenty four AC and you
take ten bludgeting damage as it smashes a club in your face. That's not
fun at all, At which point it disappears. Well, that's a little
better. I guess, Oh, you got one of the fun ones.
He didn't even bring a bottle of fermented yact pass. How rude metallicism whose
naked chrome body is very smooth. It's your turn. It's all right,
you can stare, I understand. I guess I'll roll a D twenty.
I feel like maybe I should go for a spell, but I want to
see what's up right now. Also eight war thug here smash as he slams
his club into your face. A little, a little blander than I thought.
I thought there'd be more variety. I assume a nine doesn't hit you
even without armor. That is, I'm still technically armored. Um, but
yes, Noah nine will should not hit me. M miss his mate out
of M. Yeah, it's it built into me. And then he disappears.
All right, I guess we're pretty well locked into one and eight means
cal, all right, roll the dice, just one D twenty yep.
Cal just looks at the grub and goes okay. Four. You look around
the room and you realize that there are three people wearing hats or headwear.
Okay, everyone else you desperately want to murder, like desperately as in next
around, you probably will not be able to keep yourself from either lunging across
the desk at at Stan or throwing your arms around Metallica Zam's neck. Now
I'm wearing mine on my junk? Does that COUNTA is wearing it? Technically?
You start still wearing a hat. Yes, it's a hat, it's
on a head. Fuck, cala is gonna say someone Stanska put on a
hat somehow, because I'm about to start beating up everyone who doesn't have a
hat on. It doesn't appear to be any hats around other than the ones
on people's heads. I see some paper on this desk. I could fashion
a hats. If I kill whiter the fighter, I'll take his hat,
all right, Two birds's turn. He turns to you, Alfons, and
I need you to give me a deck save DC fifteen eight. That does
not do it. That does not. Your chair sizzles with blue lightning.
But you take and you take four damage. Thanks dude, I mean I
set your deck on fire. You made my nuts tingle. This seems like
a great way. In addition, in addition to that, you feel that
you are now stuck to the chair. My balls, get my dad.
Sometimes somebody's been naughty not playing the game. That was Mue called the uncle's
chair. Oh no, Stan, do I have the option of fashioning a
potty halt from any sort of paper materials? There are no paper materials.
And if I could just put on my head, you could put the rock
grob on your head, but you're not really sure what that would do.
There's a bucket. I'm not going near the bucket or the barrel. I'm
not putting my face near either of those things. I think I'd rather be
being to death by cow or you know, maybe the salvation is in a
in the game of chance. Wouldn't be the first time for stand So I
will roll the rock group pen. As you're talking and like desperately trying to
find something your mouth kind of you get a strange burning case in your mouth
as you kind of start to salivate a bit. I specifically didn't put my
face near the barrel or back, you know, as as a couple of
runners of drool, like you know, fall out of your mouth, they
hit the like you know, the seat chair, and they start to sizzle.
Well they that taut for the buck, spit on the grob all all
of you realize and you realize that like burning smell ky seems to be coming
from all around you, your bodily fluids or have somehow become a cynic Well
that sounds incredibly painful and inconvenient. No, it's not burning you, all
right, Bonus, Do I have any actions of it than being impressively drippy?
No, Yeah, I'll just roll with this for a little while.
I'm gonna assume being covered and acid makes me a less viable target for fisty
cuffs, all right, A waiter's turn. He walks over to Euston and
punches you in the face before al al sorry, al ol, I'll pass
on the worm this time. See, dude could have been worse. He
was gonna punch you in the worm crunk sterm. She steps forward and she
appears to be readying in action. Say come on, little man, try
and Alphons, is your turn? How much? So? I'm stuck to
the chair. You were stuck to the chair. Are my arms stuck to
the chair? No? Just your body? Can I stand? Can I
stand up with the chair still on my ass? Chairs are pretty heavy?
Can I make a strength check? Sure? Say DC? The chair is
pretty heavy and you're pretty small. So let's say just from the Probably should
need to say the DC before Does he have to roll for his feet to
touch the ground. You're able to rock in the chair, but not quite
get your feet until I reach Whiter's hat. No, damn it, I
guess I'll roll the grub. Then fourteen eight tiny, A small turtle appears
next to you, Alphons. So it looks up. It looks up at
you, and you hear in your mind and says, Hi, I'm mel.
I'm your new familiar mel. Let's up. You want to bite this
guy on the dick. I'm a turtle. How am I gonna reach his
dick? You're not stuck to a chair. I'm six inches the tall fucking
improvised. I'm only thirty inches taller than you. I hit him. I
assume we can only hear Alfons just talking about being thirty inches tall. It's
like, yeah, again, just a turtle. If he lays down,
maybe I'll bite his dick for you. I don't think can can you lay
down? You could pick him up and thrust him toward Waiter's dick. No,
he really can't. I don't think I'm gonna reach him. Yeah,
because my butt still stuck to the chair. All right, Well, well,
Alphons is busy talking to himself in a strange manner. It's your time.
Man. I did not like getting beaten with a club, but I
do like the thought of acidic wonder juice. I have nothing but cool X
men POWs at. Yeah, yeah, you get these weird like ape like
arms. I'm gonna roll the die one more time. Nine all right,
not an eight? That's good. It's just a big oga. You find
yourself utterly, utterly wanting to do nothing but kill Alpha. Well, actually,
well, let's let's let's let's roll Alphonso. What's good for you?
Odds are evens with this bunch? Odd all right, George? Or roll
a D six six coming up? Even or six? All right? You?
Uh, you feel nothing but berniere in your heart for Alphons um and
you want him dead and you will attack him next round, however you wish
to. This is not the Jorcer away all right? In your mind he
is mocked. I mean in reality, I've also wanted. That's true.
That has never bothered me, but I guess it bothers me now. Metallicist
Metallica is am. You're watching Jorcer glare at Alphons, perhaps because Alphons is
talking to himself and Jorcer has a problem with that. You don't know?
Uh yeah, yeah really really still trying to sort out what the hell I
can do here. So we're we're bound to the chairs, hands bound,
hand, feet or just only Alphons is bound to the chair, gotcha because
he was naughty? All right? Um, I will I will touch the
touch the weird stuffed worm twelve touch. Right, you feel yourself empowering somewhat
for the next day, all of your saving throws have it? Have one
D six added to them. Cool, do you all right? Cal I'll
let you choose who do you hate more? Metallica zam or stan Um.
Can I choose the method of attack? Well, you only have your hands?
Okay? Cool, I'm gonna walk over and slap him, all right,
an arm strike. I'm assuming, I'm assuming I can't resist roll to
resist this or anything. Nope, this is uh, this is undying hatred.
Okay, if it was fear, you could, you could, you
could definitely. That's a that's a ten. What's my natural arm? A
ten plus des yep? Yeah, I'm fine? Okay, yeah? He
whips I wiggle my arms around distractingly, fucking arms. They're too long,
make them short again, all right? Jitsered is like, oh oh my,
this is so much fun. No, I want to get in on
it. He taps the like you know, the worm. I don't like
that sentence. Oh, somebody rolled me a one hundred uh D one seventy
six. Okay, Jitsered morphs into a cicada. Great, how big a
cicada? I knew it, the tiny little cicada on the desk. Some
cafka bullishit. Y'all know what you have to do, right, I've got
just a slapping ants for this, said Harry, you don't even have to
stand up, Stan, Well, it's your turn, STA's your it's your
turn stand Yeah, you're right, you don't have to stand up or anything.
You could have reached across the table and slapped cow. I had no
reason to do that. Uh yeah, I mean I've been I was hoping
to sort of like roll again and gay have a superpower. But it seems
like I can just end Jizzard's existence pretty swiftly here with a hefty slap,
just slapping everyone slapping each other, all right, I'm hoping by slapped the
bug it will be the equivalent of hitting Jizzard with a bus, I guess,
or the fantasy equivalent of a bus and you go with a car,
and I don't know what that is. All right? Well, what up
from Eastern armor class twelve? Just because it's really tiny? Do I get
any bonuses from having super arms? Um? You got a bonus to reach?
Otherwise your hit is which which you're normally would it would normally be with
your what's your plus? Okay, I'm strike for fifteen all right? That
hits yeah bug, and that is for damage and what these damage? Random
mind strike. That's strength of something, and it's not very good. I'm
not very strong. Zero yeah you can do zero. No, I think
you got to believe in yourself. I subscribe to D and dB hunt harder.
Was there one D four plus strength? Issiness? I'll just roll a
D four. I don't have any strength. That would be sad if you're
it's like, well, I wanted this bug die because you're just so fucking
weak. Two? All right, you smash the bug. It's it's lying
there days, not looking particularly good. It's still alive. But yeah,
you just smashed the cicada. I want to play this off to um.
You know, I don't know what happened to jays it. I just saw
a bug and like you know, and cal as you you watch you watch
Dan do this, and it just for some reason, it pisces you off
even more that he just smashed this cicada him in his not non hat wearing
ass. Okay, how long does this effect last for? You do not
know? I also point out that the bug is no longer wearing a hat.
Oh yeah, all right, cool, good to know the hatless bugs
piss me off. Whiter sees this happen, he starts laughing. He's like,
I never did like that asshole. He reaches across and he touches the
rock grub. He's like rules or rules. As you watch, well,
Alphons and josepher Whiter grows a third arm. I'm afraid to ask. It's
like comes out of the middle of the middle of his chest, every bit
as every bit as muscular as the others. I'll never understand you biologicals.
Yeah, I could get with this. It's the only thing you could get
with you and self. Fuck, here we go. I know it's chronk
stern chrunk like you kind of looks over where a jis are just kind of
semi smashed, and she's just like like, probably now it's a good time
to let him know that I killed this uncle. That's your uncle. Oh
oh shit, I'm pretty broken up about that. She slapped the worm.
This is why I avoid family gatherings at holidays. They do this is potentially
not good. As stand you watch as her arms growing naturally long, remembering
that she's a monk and she specializes an unarmed combat. Well, that's fine,
she's got no reason to attack me yet yet neither did cal true.
All right, Um, so I'm still stuck to the chair. Yep,
Whiter's right next to me with a third arm. All right, I'm gonna
roll the bug again. And he's like, can't try touching my dick again?
Try to touch it? I dare you. I didn't touch your dick.
I said it the fuck on fire? Now if you'd rather, I
do that unarmed strike on Whiter's dick, and that'll follow that up with spending
a key point for flurry of blows. All right, speedback? First shot
was first shot was a sixteen, and then flurry of blows is two more?
All hit so sixteen fifteen, seventeen, four, five, five and
so for seventeen total damage. He screams out, Jack, as you just
speed punch it like three times in a row. You have really pissed him
off. You got anything else to say? Funny boy? The choice for
I looked at Ridge at Alphons and say time, How dare you speak to
me of time? And I lunge over the table and out of his neck.
All right, no, thank god, this is going to be the
session we will never speak of again. You're gonna make me look up the
fucking grapple rules. God damn it. It could just be an attack.
I don't care. Yes, it's fine. Yeah, Uh, let's see
an unarmed strike. All right? Where is that? Is that like a
button? I impress? It's you, it's your, it's your, it's
your attack plus it's it's deep twenty plus your strength modifier for one D four
plus your just is there a place? All right? Do you do you?
What do twenty? All right? Oh? Yes, do you have
a strength modifier? I don't think so, but let me I'm thinking.
I mean, where the hell it's Oh, I'm looking at spells. That's
why I can't find anything strength. No, I don't have a modifier,
all right, rule win D four all right? All right, alfans,
George just pops you in the face for uh for two damage? Uh that
kind of hurt. I'm not going to argue I didn't deserve it. But
what did I do this time? I don't even have anywhere to wear a
watch? God damn wizards. All right? And with that, with with
that, your your rage against him fades Metallica zam to. What's become of
me is that that cicada is dead? Right? No, it's not dead.
Oh okay, I'm gonna firebolt with cicada. Okay, that's my boy
blue. When in doubt throw fire at it, you somehow miss the bug.
Well, all right, I guess I pet the worm. No,
that's that you did your action. Oh oh cool, I don't have to
put the worm. Cool, alf Cal you, yes, there is a
hatless cicada and you are still pummeling. Uh Stan, Okay, I'm gonna
hit the hit the cicada. Okay, hatless bug. Well, that hits,
all right. What is unarmed damage? One D four plus so your
strength modifier, that's six damage to the cicada. Well, you smash it
into cicada goo atlas. Unfortunately, that's the leaves hatless stand. Oh yeah,
but I don't have any actions left and stand at your turn. Okay,
well, I can see which way the wind is blowing here. Cal
just smashed the cicada. You should vomit on its remains. That's a little
grim um. I don't think I need to. Is that bug is fucked,
I'm going to I'm gonna get out of this situa. I noticed that
the monk next to me is not wearing hat either, so it seems like
I should just use my freakishly long arms to vault over the table next to
Metallica's am all right, she does get an up attack, though, Oh,
I'll use my cunning accent to disengage. All right, and uh,
while I'm here, I may as well spin that worm. Come on,
superpowers? Oh two, roll me a D one hundred. A hundred,
you've summoned god? There is that's that's either really good or really bad.
That's windy and d right, that's I know where my guess is gonna land.
Wow? Okay, Stan? Huh? Oh? Who rolls a hundred
on a D one hundred? That never happens? Fuck this? Yeah,
well, standy, they're gonna explode or become a deity. T p k
s stand simply burst out of his uh, his clothes and turns into a
massive hill giant. Good news, Stan was already naked. I will never
understand your biologicals. Does he have frequently long arms? Well, oddly enough,
No, he's freakishly like you know, Stan isn't. When you turn
into that, your other effects disappear, but you are now essentially an eleven
foot tall beast. Ah whoops, looks like you guys might be fucked.
That was unexpected. This is an extra fun layer because Stan's key weakness has
been his age and physical friends. I know it's thematic, and hopefully that
is Dick I've ever seen On Whiter's turn he walks up to you Metallica zam
and he slices you with his long sword. That will hint for eleven.
He's like, play the game, don't fuck around metal metal, subhuman arctors
homing off. And as for you, al yes, Crunk well basically decides
to beat your ass. No, Crunk decides to try. We're just We're
just all good because Crunk can't hit me. Well, what's your what's your
c without sixteen? Because I'm a monk and I don't wear armor. All
right, she she misses, She misses, Yeah, all right, all
right, it's your turnout Fonds the fuck you do it? Play the game.
Stop touching Dick's never okay, I'm good with I'm good with the stop
touching Dick's part. But I if I keep playing the game, will we
eventually get the fuck out of here? Depends on the luck of the role.
Then I'm going back to throwing fireballs at your boy at your friend's junk
because I don't like him. But no, I will actually touch the worm
nothing and get myself an ogre with an eight yep acre. Why thuck keep
showing up here? We are asking ourselves that exact same question, So why
don't you fuck ride off? All right? Fuck you, little man,
it's this guy's fault. I'll point to Whiter the Fighter as he smashes you
in the face with his club for eight damage before once again is just trying
to enjoy I stay with his family. You know, at some point,
you'd think that Al would begin to stop picking fights with everything larger than him
in the fucking world, which is pretty much everything. But we're not there
yet, So all rights, your your rage against Al subsides for the moment.
Well, I'm not having a lot of luck with this worm, and
I'm usually you know, George of the Sorcerer is a pretty happy, go
lucky guy, live and let live. But my chill has been disturbed and
mentions of time stirred rage within me. Um. I shall grab Whiter's junk
and shock and grasp this penis is just not surviving. This game requires no
material components, well, it requires is cock. That's kind of a bite,
all right, does a seventeen hit? Yes, without his armor,
you grab his disturbingly smooth um. I mean I burned literally all the hair
off of it. Yeah, with this, with his armor, it would
have been even better. All right, fifteen lightning damage. God damn,
what is with you? All? My metallicas am all right, I will
for my bonus action. Uh, summon my spiritual weapon. I got their
sword. There we go. Do we have a just a sort T shirt
yet? Because we fucking need us just a sort T shirt? And uh,
as I reach out to touch the worm with my action, my spiritual
weapon will attempt to stab whiter the fighter in the penis twenty seven points of
cockforce, da kill all of you? You know, for all your talk
of human superiority, you're just a man covered in nettle. You wanna be
war? Oh oh, roll me D one hundred all right, one hundred
and one, one hundred and one ah thirteen metallica zam to your horror.
You watch as your metal flesh falls away and you shrink down and become a
halfling. Not again, ah well, not quiet hill giant, but welcome,
welcome to superiority. I'm a real boy. You find yourself clad in
flesh in the hall of flesh. Uh did you just attext some flesh question?
Yes, do I lose my natural armor? Bonus um? If that's
part of being a war forged, then no, yes it is. But
I guess that means I'm part getting the halfling abilities, which, as I
recall, let's see here, I think I can go hide in the hill
giants space. I'm glad you said space, not ass. I was like,
yeah, what kind of abilities to half lets have? I will,
I will look this up and we can resolve at post my turn. But
I'm going to, if that is, use my movement to hide in the
hill giants space. But I will double check the rules for that first.
You can attempt to hide even when you're obscured only by a creature that is
at least one size larger than you. Yes, and he's considerably larger.
Yep, all right, I am going to try to fuck off into that
space and van Good God, where did he gets stead? You feel a
tingle of your rectum cal as your turn starts, your hatred of non hatted
individuals ends. Whider still has his long zone right, and Krunk contactedly hits
you from where she's standing. Yeah, well I'm the same. Is Whider
wearing any any other like protective gear other than his helmet? Nope? All
right, I'm gonna vault across the table or am I still stuck to the
chair? You are not stuck that you were never saying. Okay, cool
on a vault across the table and attack Whiter the fighter. Hold on because
vaulting across the table still put still moves you out of her threat. All
right, Yeah, she's got some freaky ass arms. She cretch you for
eleven okay much, pops you upside the head. It's like, know your
place and touched the worm? Does that force me to do that? Noka?
Cool? Coo cool. I'm vaulting over and I'm I'm gonna grab a
chair if I can and smack Whiter with it. M The chairs are all
a little big big to do that. Okay, all right, I'll just
use my bare hands. That's the sixteen. All right, we're gonna drop
a divine smite on this, all right? So one D four plus plus
three based damage that's four. That's four radiant so a total not special,
but we are going to divine smite him. In the junk. This man,
this man's dick is getting pulverized. That's that's We may die, but
he will not have a penis left when it's done. Oh, it's just
it's like it's just obscured by smoke and electricity and like you know, combine
energies. Asshole thought he was an in cell before. All right, we're
naked hill giant and you are standing there with a tiny little halfling between your
legs. All right, I'm gonna attack. Let's say listen here, Dowight,
supremacy of whatever your name is, we've had enough of yet. Hit.
I don't know how to attack with a hill giant, but basically I
want to use my massive boat a like hill giant hands to punch him in
the take. Well, we'll have to reevaluate your your stats, but I
will say, considering your size and our arms, strike from you will be
one D eight instead of one D four. Okay, you're not a particularly
strong hill giant. Since you want a particularly strong human, that's whatever you
were. Okay, so and I'm strike sixteen. You hit whiter is like
get an attacked from all sides. Unlike all of you, I respect the
game like in a desperation. He just punches the like, you know,
the the rock grub, give me something good, damn it? As a
box turtle appears next to him, looking up Jarrett term at all. It's
not the hero he wanted, it's the hero he deserved. Crunk, you
know. She she debates between punch and the crap out of Alphonse in this,
but she smacks the rack rock globe like, if you have any any
sense of family tradition, jorce r, you'll finish the game. If I
had said some family tradition, I would have visited. Oh have we seen
a natural one yet? Or is this our first? No, you have
not, this is your first. Some kind of beam and those of you
with with bellcraft or arcana, you can make a you can make a check
to see if you can identify it shoots out and strikes Crunk fourteen arcana from
George or the Sorcerer. All right, George her you realize that she got
the unlucky one and activated power word kill herself and she immediately disintegrates the dust.
Oh wow, and then there was one being beat on by the entire
party. And to remember as whiter like looks down at the turtle. He's
like, don't just talk back doing something. Do your turnoff ONNS. I
know that I can do the same thing I did the first time and try
to throw the rock grub which will do nothing, and then follow up with
two balls of fire so range spell atalk really should have had to roll it
percentage by touching the rock club technically should activate it. But sure, all
right, so you miss so that you you know that. So the first
fireball, the first fireballs and nineteen and the second ones in that one roll
me at the twenty sixteen, all right, just the miss roll damage.
It's four damage, okay, Orcerer, out of respect for my fallen family
members, I shall respect the game and touch the worm, all right,
by which I mean I will shock and grasp Whiter's dick again. There's the
jorcerer we know, and no two. All right, he's christ for only
six damage this time, in which unconscionable levels of I will just say his
dick is not looking too good. It's still there. I don't know anyone
else watches chainsaw Man, but we're really we're really embodying some Endu spirit right
here, all right. Speaking of which, Tiny Metallica is aunt well non
metallic. Um, all right, my sword will Oh god, god,
do you sound like if metallica is aunt got into porn, which I don't
know. We'll see what the halflingcock looks like. That's later, um spiritual
weapon for my bonut for the bonus, slicy slicy natural one. I guess
we'll see if it hurts itself. Fifteen. Okay, it's just a miss,
all right, and then I can do a fire bolts. Yes,
I will attempt to fire bolt him. Oh no, wait he is,
I'll toll the dead his ass. Uh, it's not actually a two hit.
He makes a DC. He makes a save wisdom save to if he
fails. He takes two D twelve. I'm almost sure that will make it.
I am trying to find my stuff on here, but there's no way.
I actually have a pretty good spill safetyc it's a fifteen, but he
still makes it all right, But he still gets hit in the cock for
Oh no, he doesn't. All right, I did nothing, all right,
cal okay, catch the worm or or touch the worm. So we're
gonna we're gonna keep working on obliterating this year versus Dick. I think we're
all pretty set on killing this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this
is this is all right, We're gonna he did not work hard to ingratiate
himself with the group. That's a fifteen all right, fifteen head yea,
all right, that's five regular damage and another divine smite that's six damage,
so eleven damage total. Right in the junk, all right, you all
watch as uh as Cal calls upon his god and essentially roadhouses Whiter's junk.
They're holding it up going as Whiter collapses to the ground, all of us
head points were stored in his penis and die. That's true of everyone.
Upon his death, Alphonse the chair releases you could the rout grub puppet makes
a squeaking noise and disappears. Do I still have the turtle? Yes?
The turtle mel is still there? Awesome? As for will come next on
Salty Bastards As you find yourselves not only the owners of the Hall of Flesh,
but two of you find yourselves physically changed perhaps a so, I guess
we'll find out on the next season of Salty Bastards. I guess I'm fucking
massive now now I'm gonna change this real quick. What what you'll see next
season on Salty Bastard, Authors and Dragons is brought to under Creative Commons license,
meaning you were free to share this conterial so long as credit is given
to those who created it, which is us, the people you just heard
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