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This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're
listening to KF I Am six forty the

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Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on
the iHeartRadio app. They have I Am

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six forty. You have Doctor Wendy
Walsh with you. This is the Doctor

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Wendy Walsh Show. Oh my goodness. I find statistics on marriage so interesting

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because there's so much talk. I've
had lots of conversations recently with friends who

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of a certain age, who have
teenager or young adult kids, who say

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either I'm never gonna have kids because
of global warming, they're all afraid of

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this, or I'm never ever going
to get married. Well, I want

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you to understand about the history of
marriage. Marriage in many ways was a

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safety net for women during patriarchy.
I know we're still in patriarchy if you

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believe the Barbie movie. They're just
hiding it better. But now women need

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marriage less. I will say that
statistically, marriage is still the best nest

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we have for children, until we
have free childcare in every workplace, until

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we have good child tax credits for
parents who are single parents, until we

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have ways to build villages around different
shapes and looks and compositions. Of families,

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then that traditional marriage thing is going
to linger around. One of the

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things we're finding is that the reason
why marriage rates have fallen, and they've

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fallen by sixty percent over the past
fifty years, is that the age of

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marriage is moving up. They're just
not getting married yet, right, So

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the average age of marriage that you
know, a couple decades ago is in

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the early twenties is in the early
thirties now. Also, there are still

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places where gay people are not allowed
to marry, So that's going to impact

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marriage rates because in the past,
society might have forced gay people into heterosexual

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looking marriages. Right. People with
attachment issues who feel very uncomfortable with emotional

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intimacy, who used to get into
marriages because society said they had to,

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and then they become a workaholic or
a traveling person, or they detach in

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some way to create mental space for
themselves. These people now don't have to

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get married. Right. Remember,
marriage isn't for everything. As I said,

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it's not for everyone, but statistically
speaking, it's still the best protection

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we have for kids. And just
because people aren't getting married doesn't mean they're

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not coupling up. The rate of
people living together is bigger than ever.

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The good news is the divorce rate
has been slowly declining for the past twenty

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years. People are waiting. They're
waiting to get married so they're older,

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they have a better brain, they
have better decision making ability. They're just

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making better choices of mates. I
want to remind you I say it all

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the time. I'll say it again
until death do us part was invented.

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Death was pretty imminent, and so
because of our very long newish life expectancies,

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And for you anti vaxxers out there, I want to say, the

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only reason, the biggest reason why
we're living so long has to do with

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childhood vaccination. It's okay, and
so were. Our long life expectancies mean

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that even the most monogamous of humans
and human beings have the widest range of

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sexual behavior of any primate species.
Some people just aren't monogamous. Some people

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are monogamous. I actually think that
should be a good question to ask on

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a first date. Do you consider
yourself a monogamous person? I used to

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say on dates I didn't have the
language for monogamy. I would say I'm

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a couple person. I do better
when I'm in a couple remember saying that

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on dates and if it scares off
guys, ladies could do the touchdown cheer.

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Those are the ones you don't want
around. You're not trying to find

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someone that you're in love with and
make him love you. No, you're

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supposed to find somebody who's ready to
take on the same things that you want

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to take on. That's all that
matters, all right. So what we

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do know is that divorce is very
contagious. Well, marriage is contagious.

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To remember in your twenties, one
person would get married and the next person

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would get married, and before you
know you're buying all these wedding gifts and

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going on. It's very contagious.
Divorce is also contagious because if you have

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a friend of a friend, it's
like supposedly six degrees of separation. If

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you have a friend of a friend
of a friend who gets divorced and you

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hear about it, they're grapevine and
you're kind of in a bad relationship.

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You were sticking it out because everybody
in your circles stayed married. You're kind

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of going, huh, they did
it. Let me get some info on

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how they're faring, right, And
then you separate, and then your neighbor

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next door goes, wow, they
separated. Maybe it's actually okay. Now

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that's how it becomes contagious. So
a little bit of research, new research

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that shows the ten states in the
United States with the absolute shortest marriages.

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Don't worry. I have a list
coming up for the longest marriages, Kaylea.

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If you had to guess which state
you think has the shortest marriages,

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what would it be? Florida,
Florida. Yeah, I want to guess

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Florida too. I would have Yeah, but it's not on the list.

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It's not even in the top ten. Man, and that interesting, Yeah

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it is. Wow, Maybe they
say because Miami is its own little island

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and it's got a lot of Latin
influence on Catholic influence, so we'd being

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forced to stay together. Roll.
If you had to guess which state has

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the shortest marriages, what would it
be? Maybe in New York, Like,

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oh why, just because it's like
such a like hustle and bustle,

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quick moving, very fast city.
So I feel like people were like that

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there, Well it's not New York, not even in the top ten.

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I know, Sandy. If you
had a guess which state had the shortest

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marriages the most divorces? What would
it be? Gosh, um gosh,

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what kind of you would think?
It'd be kind of a state where everybody

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was kind of hedonistic and selfish,
right, And I'm trying to oh yeah,

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and you're gonna say it now,
aren't you. Yeah, you're gonna

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say the name of that state.
Utah. No, I don't know.

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They just add on wives. They
just add on wives. They don't divorce

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it. Okay, Well, let's
see. I suppose you know, it

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could be you'd thinking eastern state,
but it could be someplace out west,

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maybe like um, let's see,
perhaps uh, Nevada. I'll try that

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way. Okay, you ready,
Washington, d C. You say,

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on the east, and that's not
a state. The median day of marriage

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in Washington, DC is ten years
Okay. Then followed by Alaska, Texas,

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Nevada, and then there we go
and then Utah. So you were

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getting close there. All right,
let's go with the longest marriages. Which

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states do you think have the longest
marriages? Fingers cross California. You know,

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California is so eclectic, it doesn't
end up on the top ten of

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either of these lists a man.
Well, let's see what main is Number

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two. You're very good media and
duration of marriage is twenty one point eight

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years. It's number two. Its
neighbor is number one, New Hampshire and

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then Pennsylvania. They just stay married. They stay. Mar I used to

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host this show on you know,
one of those Home and Garden Networks things,

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and it was called Splurge, and
it was about sort of average middle

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class people who took all their life
savings and splurged on something. Why right,

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So we did this thing in the
suburbs of Pennsylvania and there was this

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happily married couple and they had planned
to splurge by moving to Florida, and

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they couldn't pull the trigger on it
because they were so darn in love with

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their grandkids. So instead he built
like an entire sports bar, literally bigger

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than the bungalow house in his backyard, filled with sports memorabilia so that all

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the family could come over every Sunday
and just watch sports games, had big

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screens on the It was wild.
And so that's a splurch But they stay

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together all those years. It wasn't
going to be okay, Well, you

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go to Florida, then it's let's
find a compromise. What else did I

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want to say about marriage being on
the decline and the divorce rate? So

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yeah, I must be early dimension
because I'm starting to forget what I was

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going to say. I want to
say this about marriage. Obviously, religiosity

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is most highly associated with marriage because
every religion, no matter what the religion,

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is invested in making rules around sex
and love and marriage because they want

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to grow the number of members they
have. So if they're always encouraging marriage

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and encouraging that those children be raised
in that religion, and so as a

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result, highly correlated. Another thing
highly correlated with religion is politics. Sorry,

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with the marriage is politics. As
you can imagine, on the right,

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the conservatives more likely to marry early. But interesting enough, people who

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identify as conservative have more divorces.
Who knew so people who identify getting married

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too young. That's the difference,
right, So they you still they like

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there's some weird people who identify conservative
still use the term pre marital sex as

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if sex is something you would do
on your way to marriage. It wouldn't

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be like just sex for fun or
sex for a fling, or sex for

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this summer or sex for this night. So people who identify liberal tend to

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more like shorter relationship, sex for
fun, etc. And when they do

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marry, they marry later in life
and as a result, they have less

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time to have that many divorces.
Also, we know the prefrontal cortex is

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not fully developed until you're at least
twenty five or twenty six, and that's

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the part of your brain that is
well, it's a good decision making part

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of your brain. Right, So
the highest rate of divorces are with anybody

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who gets married before the age of
twenty three. All right, so you

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want to the fact that this marriage
rate is going up. I think it's

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good for finding good partners, right
if you're thirty one years old, if

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that's now the new average age of
first time marriage. But it's hard for

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women and fertility because the height of
female fertility has not changed in thousands of

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years, and it is the age
of twenty I'm not joking twenty now.

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It hovers about that through the for
a decade or so. It takes a

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big dive at thirty falls off a
cliff at thirty five. So, ladies,

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if you're not marrying until you're thirty
one, or thirty two. Get

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on it right, get on it
if you want to have kids. Reminder

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pulling all those child free adults off
the guilt wagon here that also throughout history,

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twenty percent one in five humans do
not biologically procreate because evolution made it

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that. We need alloparents. We
need coaches and teachers and aunties and uncles

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and all kinds of helpers babysitters to
help us with our kids. And you

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raise the species two. You really
do. Parents are just too busy,

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all right. When we come back, I am going to social media.

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I see a lot of questions coming
in on my DMS and I would love

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to answer your relationship questions when we
come back. You're listening to the Doctor

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Wendy Walsh Show on kf I AM
six forty. We live everywhere on the

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iHeartRadio app. Right now, let's
go to Sandy Wells in the twenty four

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hour Camfin Newsroom. You're listening to
Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I

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AM six forty. Kay, bye
Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy

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Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. This is the

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time in the show when I answer
your dating and relationship questions or reminder,

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I'm not a therapist. I'm a
psychology professor, but I'm a woman with

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a lot of life experience and I've
written a number of books on relationships.

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I'm really obsessed with the science of
love. So let's get to it.

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If you would like to send in
a question, just y m me on

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my social media. The handle everywhere
is at doctor Wendy Walsh. That's at

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dr Wendy Walsh. That's everywhere on
social media. All right, Hi,

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doctor Wendy. I'm thinking about getting
a dating coach to help me with approach,

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anxiety and getting a date. Is
this a good idea? If so,

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what would you look for in getting
someone who is good. I have

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a few opinions about this, and
some of you are not going to like

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to hear my opinions. I think
if anybody has issues that include anxiety,

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worry, depression, fears, attachment
issues, you need to see a licensed

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therapist. Now, if you're somebody
who you know just hasn't dated a lot

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of years and you need a wingman
or a wingwoman, you know psychologically,

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they're not going to probably go out
on a scouting with you, but someone

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to help you go through the dating
apps or help you build your profile,

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a friend who understands the mating marketplace. Then yeah, call one of the

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dating coaches out there, see if
they can help you out. But if

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you're working on mental health stuff,
your best wingman is a therapist and they

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can give you man or woman and
they can give you great advice. Dear

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doctor Wendy, my date doesn't tip
weight staff. He had such strong opinions

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about it when I brought it up. I'm no longer interested in him.

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How do I tell him? All
right? First of all, you didn't

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refer to him as your partner,
your boyfriend, your husband, your love,

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none of that. You called it
your date. You owe nothing,

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nothing, not even an explanation.
I know, but don't ghost him.

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We all wonder after someone has broken
up, I like, why what did

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I do wrong? If you want
to talk about your values, if you

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want to talk about how you don't
believe your values match his value, okay,

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fine, you can say it like
this. Hey, you know,

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I really liked you. It's nice
getting to know you. That conversation we

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had about you not wanting to tip
showed me that your values in mind don't

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really match, right, So you're
not saying he's bad, you're good.

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You're just saying that you know we're
not really a good match in the value

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department, So good luck to you, that's all you say. You've got

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to remember everybody that when you end
a relationship, whether that relationship was one

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phone call with somebody you met on
a dating app, or whether you went

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for a coffee date, or whether
you went for a real date, a

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long date at dinner date, you
may see that person again. You may

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see them online, you may see
them in the real world. You may

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walk into a job interview one day
and they're the person interviewing. So I

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want you to imagine that you live
in a very small town, because this

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is how it happens in big cities, that they're a bunch of little,

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small small towns connected. And I
want you to imagine you're going to see

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this person again, and that's how
you should always break up with them.

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Ghosting it is for the week,
that's what it's for. Oh, here's

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not a good one. My new
boyfriend took the condom off in the middle

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of sex without telling me. There's
a word for that now. It's called

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stealth thing. I felt betrayed and
gross, and I thought and he thought

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I was being overly dramatic. You
know, it still haunts me, and

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so I can't be intimate with him
yet. How can we get back to

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where we were? All right?
So you referred to him as your new

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boyfriend, so you don't have to
go forward with this, but I understand

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the trust has been broken. You
know, if a woman gets an STI

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from a man, that's bad enough, But if a woman gets pregnant,

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depending on what state you live in
these days, that's twenty years of hard

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labor. This is no joke.
This is a very very serious thing.

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I think in a few it sounds
like you really want to mend this,

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you really want to give make this
relationship great. Then you guys need to

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get into couples therapy because it's going
to take a long time for him to

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earn your trust back after something that
bad. But I know some of you

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out there like, how did she
not know? You know what, when

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you're in the throes of passion,
sometimes you don't know what's going on.

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Okay, Dear doctor Wendy, I
decided to go natural. I barely wear

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makeup, congratulations. I wear my
curls. Yeay, I do that too

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all summer long. I'm brunette again. Who I love myself so much more,

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but I get a lot less attention. Men don't approach me anymore.

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I still think I'm attractive. Why
are men more standoffish? Well, you're

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talking to a woman who's had every
hair color. Well, no, mostly

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blond, brunette, gray, blonde, brunet, gray. I'll probably go

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in the coffin with hair color because
I go gray. I went gray so

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early, but I've gone brunette because
I wanted to match my kids when they

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were little. I know what you're
talking about. When you walk out in

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the world, you are treated differently
when you're a blonde. I want to

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say this, though, you know
who's the most attractive, People who like

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themselves, And if you feel you're
attractive, that's all that matters, you

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know. I keep quoting the Barbie
movie because it's just so amazing. Times

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you saw it three times? No, Tis, I'm going to see it

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a third time. I'm going to
see it a third time. Okay,

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Gayla. But there's a line that's
kind of my favorite dark joke that says,

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you're either you're one of two Barbies. You're either brainwashed by Ken or

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you're considered weird Barbie. And I
thought I'm gonna be weird Barbie. That's

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so much better. So don't be
afraid to be weird Barbie, even if

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it's curly brown hair. I mean, what's wrong with curly brown hair?

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Gorgeous? Gorgeous, gorgeous. However, if you're imagining that men are being

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more standoffish, you need to stand
taller, love yourself, and have a

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different kind of man and man come
up to you. It's going to work

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because you need to like yourself.
Dear doctor Wendy, Why am I attracted

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to what I can't have and doesn't
want me? I do like people,

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but when they start to like me
back, I lose interests. Okay,

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I hear yah, you'll preaching to
the choir. This is exactly how I

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was when I was young. It's
I couldn't. It was only after years

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of therapy when I learned that I
had all these attachment issues. It's somehow

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I had this crazy belief system that
if I could make this out of touch,

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out of reach mate love me,
then I would like myself. But

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it's actually the other way around.
If you can get to a place of

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deeply liking yourself and knowing that you
deserve love and care, then more people

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are going to be attracted to you, and you'll be comfortable being loved.

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Remember what I said, I had
to learn to tolerate kindness. Isn't that

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crazy? Because I was in love
with longing. I wasn't in love with

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the secure feeling of love. I
was in love with the loss. Crazy.

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But that's how it is. It's
all about early childhood programming. Okay,

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On that same note, when we
come back, I want to talk

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about why mates who have partners already
are just so darn attractive to us.

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And if you are dating a married
person, here's what you need to do.

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You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wells
Show on kf I AM six forty

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00:20:27.839 --> 00:20:33.960
Relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand

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00:20:34.200 --> 00:20:38.640
from kf I AM six forty fi
Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy

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00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:41.680
Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Wealsh Show. Oh don't you

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wish every married person would say that
my baby's got all my love already.

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Some do, some do, but
plenty of them loved to have backup mates

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or other mating opportunities. I have
a little disclosure here. This is not

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a segment about morality. I don't
believe even morality. I don't believe in

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a sense that one thing is right
and another thing is wrong. I think

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that human beings are built for survival, and they make individual decisions about what

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is best for their survival. Sometimes
making a decision that you might think is

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immoral actually helps their survival. For
instance, if they go after a partner

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who is richer, then maybe their
kids will get to eat better and go

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to better schools. It's a survival
decision. So sometimes though, they'll make

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a mating decision that they think might
help their survival, but then they get

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ostracized by the tribe and told,
oh, what you're doing is immoral,

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like dating that married person, and
as a result, it hurts their survival

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chances. So sometimes dating a married
person, don't shoot the messenger. Sometimes

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it works. Lauren Sanchez Jeff Bezos
pretty well understood. They were both married

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to other people when they met,
and now they're together and she's living with

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the richest man in the world right. At other times it's total social suicide,

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right because you can be ostracized for
it. Kayla, did you hear

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about Arian Grande so messy? Well, yes, she supposedly is dating her

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news she's making a movie of that
Broadway show Wicket, and she's supposedly dating

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her co star Ethan Slater, and
people are shocked. One of the main

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reasons why they're shocked is that they're
both married to other people. Now she's

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separated, right and now, of
course, since it's all you know,

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since TMC has done their magic and
told the whole world everybody seems to be

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getting separated. But they have supposedly
been seeing each other for a few months.

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Have you seen pictures of this guy? Yeah? Okay, are you

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gonna say it? Am I gonna
say it? I don't get why anybody

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will want to um do anything with
him. That wasn't exactly what I was

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gonna say, but it was kind
of close. I just think as far

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as mate status, he's a giant
step down for her. He must be

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one charm in something. I don't
know what it is. Not that Pete

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what's his name? David Comedian was
Davidson was so gorgeous. I heard I

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heard he had he had a Can
I say third legoed out being dumped?

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I think, yeah, I heard
you had one of those, So that

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gets you a lot further apparently.
Yeah, I mean Kim Kardashian enjoyed it

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for a while. Uh So there's
that. And also, comedians, I

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believe, tend to be the smartest
people in the world. So they're smart

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and lots of other ways mating strategy, and they're just fun to be around.

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But here's the interesting in the tabloids
are doing, and you can google

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it online. They're taking pictures of
Ethan Slater, the actor who she's allegedly

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having her relationship with now, and
putting it side beside with pictures of her

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brother, and they look like identical
twins. Really, I mean, I

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guess that's human mating strategy, right. Couldn't marry within the family or people

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that are likewise in some way?
I don't know anyway. Um, the

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sadder thing for me because again I
don't judge. It's not about morals,

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but I am here telling everything I'm
telling because I care about kids and them

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not having their own attachment injuries,
et cetera. He is married to a

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singer named Lily Jay since twenty eighteen
and they just welcome to baby's son,

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who I heard an. I know
that's the bad part, all right,

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but I want to say I'm not
sitting here at virtuous. Okay. When

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I was young and dumb and damaged, I had affairs twice with married men

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and one two maybe maybe it was
three exactly. You know, it gets

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a little fuzzy back there, um, and you know, and you would

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think that, being logical and rational, it would the news would be that

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getting with a partnered person somebody who
is unavailable is not a good thing.

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However, evolutionary psychologists would say that
is exactly the thing that makes them attractive.

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One of my favorite books is called
The Evolution of Desire by doctor David

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Boss, and he talks about this, that a partnered person has romantic value

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because it shows that somebody picked them
right. They might be good for something,

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you know. The number one thing
I'll tell girlfriends and they'll be like,

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Oh, I'm dating this guy and
he's really nice and he hasn't had

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he has never been married, so
there's no baggage, there's no kids,

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and he's and I'm like an how
old is he and he's not always forty

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two? And I'm like, hold
stop the trains, hold the horse.

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What the hell If you get to
be half of your lifespan and have never

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made a commitment to somebody, that's
a red flag, Like do you think

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you're suddenly going to be the one? And he said, but having said

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that, I heard a beautiful story
today. A friend of mine told me

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that her brother, who was a
confirmed bachelor, but not a playboy bachelor,

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a more introvert, nerdy engineer,
afraid of women bachelor, met a

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woman and married her within six months
when they were both fifty. And they've

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been married now for ten years,
so it can happen. But that's a

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bit of an anomaly. It's not
you know, generally, we like people

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like I like guys that another woman
has trained. That's what I say.

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I just want another woman to have
gotten in there and shown him like,

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this is what marriage is. Okay, these are what the ropes are.

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And if she was a particularly bad
wife, all the better for me.

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Train him and let him dislike you, and then I'll show I'll look good.

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I should say this, if you
are dating a married person, just

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break up. Immediately. It's just
going to be a mess. It's going

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to continue to be a mess,
unless he's Jeff Bezos and you really want

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to throw all your chips on the
table or somebody like him. I mean,

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Lauren, I'm not trying to get
someone to steal your man. Somebody

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like that. And you want to
throw all your chips down on the table

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and go for broke, go for
it. But if you're sitting there in

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pain hoping they're going to leave their
person for you, break up immediately,

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00:27:18.160 --> 00:27:22.920
go no contact. Examine the root
of why you're doing it. Do you

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00:27:22.960 --> 00:27:26.920
have attachment issues? Some people have
an avoidant attachment love married people because then

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they don't have to worry about actually
having a real relationship with them. Or

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if they have an anxious attachment like
I used to, then they're like,

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oh, he's longing for them and
hoping and waiting for them to leave.

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You also need to remove any temptations
to cheat, because the research is very

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clear. You know what cheating does, whether you're cheating on them, they're

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00:27:48.720 --> 00:27:52.079
cheating on you, or whatever.
It teaches you how to cheat and you

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00:27:52.119 --> 00:27:56.680
can survive it. So you have
to move all temptations. Don't go out

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without your spouse all that stuff,
and guess what. All these affairs that

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you have you think are in a
box in the past, forgotten, etc.

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Remember I told you that I had
one or two or five affairs with

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married men when I was very young. Well, one of them, years

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later, decided to tell his wife
in therapy. Can you imagine? No,

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00:28:19.319 --> 00:28:22.599
did she find you? I used
to have to see her at church?

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Oh, I know that was so
wrong on everything, like he had

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an abortion with our secret. I
was so mad, so mad. I

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00:28:33.359 --> 00:28:36.480
think his wife was a little more
mad. But I see why you were

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mad. Terrible, But you know
it's in the best. Go away,

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all right, let me come back. Do you ever wonder if your marriage

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is salvageable? Do you ever wonder
what would happen if you went to couples

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therapy? Well, I'm going to
tell you the first ten questions they're going

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to ask you, so you can
think about them before you go in.

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You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Welsh
show on k IF I AM six forty

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00:28:53.680 --> 00:29:00.240
alive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh Onto Man

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00:29:00.599 --> 00:29:04.440
from kf I am sixty am six
forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with

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00:29:04.519 --> 00:29:08.240
you. This is the Doctor Wendey
Walls show. Oh kay law in the

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00:29:08.319 --> 00:29:12.000
home Stretch already, How does that
happen? It goes so fast, so

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fast, these two hours. I
want to remind everybody before I get into

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is your marriage salvageable and what you
can do about it? That you can

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00:29:21.920 --> 00:29:26.279
follow me on social media. My
handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh.

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00:29:26.359 --> 00:29:30.200
That's TikTok, Instagram, YouTube,
Facebook, whatever, blah blah blah.

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00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:34.920
And then I have this wonderful Patreon
zoom room every Wednesday at six thirty.

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00:29:34.960 --> 00:29:37.480
Some of the people in my zoom
room have been there, like, oh

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00:29:37.599 --> 00:29:41.559
gosh, almost two years, and
they're from all over the world. It's

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00:29:41.599 --> 00:29:45.440
a great group of people, many
Kafi listeners. And it's not therapy.

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00:29:45.480 --> 00:29:48.920
It's not group therapy even it's really
just like a friendship hang and I usually

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00:29:48.920 --> 00:29:53.720
talk about some relationship issue and lots
of people share and it's great fun.

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00:29:53.839 --> 00:29:57.359
So you're welcome to join me at
Patreon, pa t R e o N

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00:29:57.480 --> 00:30:03.240
dot com slash doctor Wendy. Well, you know, having a long term

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00:30:03.240 --> 00:30:12.759
monogamous relationship can sometimes be hard work. It's hard because we're always changing and

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00:30:12.839 --> 00:30:18.079
growing, and our partner is always
changing and growing too, So at the

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00:30:18.160 --> 00:30:25.559
same time we may be growing into
different directions, but there should always be

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00:30:25.599 --> 00:30:30.799
a place in the middle for the
two right and that's where the work is

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00:30:30.240 --> 00:30:34.559
to continue to shape that, to
be creative in ways that you can keep

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00:30:34.599 --> 00:30:41.079
your relationship strong. I think one
of the biggest mistakes. I think couples

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00:30:41.119 --> 00:30:48.240
make two big mistakes in their marriages. One is allowing, you know,

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00:30:48.319 --> 00:30:56.119
basically the doldrums to set in boredom, not creating enough novelty and interest and

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00:30:56.279 --> 00:31:02.279
newness in their relationship. And this
second thing is and I remember asking this

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00:31:03.079 --> 00:31:06.640
marriage and family therapist friend of mine, I said, what is the most

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00:31:06.759 --> 00:31:10.920
common thing that you see in couples
therapy? Like when people come in and

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00:31:10.960 --> 00:31:15.039
they present, what are they most
often complaining about? What's the biggest issue?

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00:31:15.119 --> 00:31:18.240
Is it sex? Is it money? Is it family? What is

404
00:31:18.240 --> 00:31:22.119
it? And she says, it
doesn't matter what it is, whatever it

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00:31:22.319 --> 00:31:30.039
is, it never changes. In
other words, there is one core issue

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00:31:30.279 --> 00:31:36.079
that was probably discovered in the first
year of marriage. Maybe it was happening

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00:31:36.119 --> 00:31:41.960
the week before the wedding, but
it was discovered, and so I think

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00:31:41.000 --> 00:31:48.599
that people don't take the time to
work through and resolve. And resolve doesn't

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00:31:48.599 --> 00:31:53.000
mean one side winning or the other
side winning. It means both of you

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00:31:53.119 --> 00:32:00.359
finding workarounds to accommodate the needs of
the other so that you can back to

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00:32:00.359 --> 00:32:06.559
each other. So when you go
into couples therapy, there is something that

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00:32:07.000 --> 00:32:12.680
most couples therapists do to get you
into dealing with that core issue, and

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00:32:12.799 --> 00:32:19.559
they start by priming your brain with
positivity so that you remember why you're there,

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00:32:19.839 --> 00:32:22.599
You remember who you love. So
one of the most common questions they

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00:32:22.680 --> 00:32:28.400
might ask is, and I'm asking
you to maybe even ask each other this,

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00:32:29.119 --> 00:32:31.480
why do you feel most connected to
me? Or when do you feel

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00:32:31.519 --> 00:32:35.119
most connected? Like? What is
it? What? At what moment?

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00:32:36.319 --> 00:32:37.880
Julio is not here, I'm wondering
what I could ask. If I said

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00:32:37.880 --> 00:32:43.400
to him, when do you feel
most connected to me? When you're reading?

420
00:32:43.559 --> 00:32:46.119
I would say he loves when you
read, He loves when ready and

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00:32:46.200 --> 00:32:50.119
you're teaching him whatever you're learning.
Yeah, yeah, he likes that.

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00:32:50.680 --> 00:32:53.680
I think he likes that when we
go to sleep at night, I keep

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00:32:53.720 --> 00:32:57.720
reading and he goes to sleep,
and I'm just like they're watching over him

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00:32:57.720 --> 00:33:01.640
like an angel. I don't know
if he thinks that. When do I

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00:33:01.640 --> 00:33:08.160
feel most connected to him? When
we are in sometimes great debate and sparring

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00:33:08.160 --> 00:33:15.000
with each other, and yes,
so good for me. And then the

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00:33:15.039 --> 00:33:19.720
next question I want you guys to
ask each other is what do you enjoy

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00:33:19.880 --> 00:33:22.200
doing most together? You know,
I have friends who recently went to couples

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00:33:22.240 --> 00:33:28.240
therapy, and the therapist actually worded
it differently. She didn't say what do

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00:33:28.279 --> 00:33:31.440
you enjoy doing most together? She
didn't have that together word, So what

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00:33:31.480 --> 00:33:37.880
do you most enjoy doing? And
the husband only answered things that didn't have

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00:33:37.920 --> 00:33:43.599
anything to do with her, like
hanging out with dudes, go to the

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00:33:43.640 --> 00:33:45.480
gym, working, I like to
golf, I like to go on my

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00:33:45.599 --> 00:33:52.200
motorcycle, I like to game,
and she's sitting there like, uh okay.

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00:33:53.359 --> 00:33:59.079
Another question of therapist might have you
ask each other is are there things

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00:33:59.400 --> 00:34:02.960
that you use to do together that
you'd like to start again. You know,

437
00:34:04.440 --> 00:34:07.519
if I had to answer that question
today, it would be that Julio

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00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:13.880
and I met during quarantine and we
could not be indoors during the beginning of

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00:34:13.880 --> 00:34:19.599
our relationship, and so I packed
so many picnics. We picnicked all over

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00:34:19.960 --> 00:34:23.199
Los Angeles County sometimes Orange County.
We found places to picnic and we don't

441
00:34:23.199 --> 00:34:25.559
do it anymore because we can go
to restaurants so we can sit outside.

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00:34:25.800 --> 00:34:29.639
So that's something I'd like us to
get back to, to spread the blanket,

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00:34:30.119 --> 00:34:36.519
sit around and chat. Another question
might be what are you most proud

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00:34:36.599 --> 00:34:42.760
of about our life together? Think
about it? Why are you there?

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00:34:43.119 --> 00:34:46.320
What have you accomplished together? Could
it be that you've created kids. I'm

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00:34:46.320 --> 00:34:50.760
proud of our family. I'm proud
that our kids are healthy and doing well.

447
00:34:51.280 --> 00:34:55.639
Or I'm proud that we've built this
financial stability, or I'm proud that

448
00:34:55.840 --> 00:34:59.880
we do this charity work together.
I'm proud that we have this social standing.

449
00:35:00.280 --> 00:35:01.559
I'm proud to be seen in public
with you. I like the way

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00:35:01.559 --> 00:35:06.239
you look, whatever, Just where's
the pride? And if you listen to

451
00:35:06.280 --> 00:35:09.199
those questions, when do you feel
most connected to me? What do you

452
00:35:09.320 --> 00:35:14.519
enjoy most doing with me? I
know dudes are going to say sex,

453
00:35:14.519 --> 00:35:17.119
but that's okay. They're allowed to. Hey, I'm not being sexist.

454
00:35:17.400 --> 00:35:21.880
Didn't you know that men want sex
more often than women? Promise you that

455
00:35:21.880 --> 00:35:25.159
that's all in the research. Things
like are the things we used to do

456
00:35:25.199 --> 00:35:28.800
you'd like to do again? What
are you most proud of? What this

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00:35:28.880 --> 00:35:32.679
does is it primes your brain.
It gets your brain ready for now problem

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00:35:32.760 --> 00:35:37.960
solving together as a team. So
now come the hard questions. What do

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00:35:37.960 --> 00:35:42.679
you think our biggest issues are?
You might be surprised by the answer.

460
00:35:43.079 --> 00:35:46.079
Your partner might have a different example, what do you think the biggest issues

461
00:35:46.079 --> 00:35:52.639
are, or another way of wording
it, what concerns you about us?

462
00:35:52.559 --> 00:35:55.880
Now? At this point I want
you to open your mind and open your

463
00:35:55.880 --> 00:36:01.519
ears and just listen. This is
not an opportunity to get defensive. Never

464
00:36:01.840 --> 00:36:05.400
should you be saying I don't know
why you worry about that. That didn't

465
00:36:05.400 --> 00:36:07.760
even matter, that's not even an
is show stop it. Just listen.

466
00:36:08.039 --> 00:36:14.760
Just be calm because the next section, section, and maybe in the next

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00:36:14.760 --> 00:36:17.159
session that a therapist might do with
you, that you could even try together,

468
00:36:17.679 --> 00:36:23.280
is about solving these problems. Simply
asking an open ended question, how

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00:36:23.280 --> 00:36:30.880
can we improve our relationship? How
can we improve brainstorm together? Or maybe

470
00:36:30.880 --> 00:36:35.639
say something like, hey, are
there things that you'd like to do together

471
00:36:35.719 --> 00:36:38.960
that we've never tried before? Oh, that's what the research says. Novelty

472
00:36:39.039 --> 00:36:43.199
novelty. Novelty, doing new things, putting your partner in a new setting,

473
00:36:43.519 --> 00:36:49.519
doing something different can bring feelings of
love and attachment. And here's a

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00:36:49.519 --> 00:36:52.320
big one, what can we both
do to increase trust in each other?

475
00:36:53.679 --> 00:36:57.480
Then, after all the problem solving, you're going to close it by remembering

476
00:36:57.519 --> 00:37:01.280
to get back to love. Here's
the question, what's the most recent thing

477
00:37:01.400 --> 00:37:07.039
I did for you that you really
appreciate? You might not even realize the

478
00:37:07.079 --> 00:37:10.960
best thing they want from you,
So ask them, what's the most recent

479
00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:15.880
thing that I did for you that
you really appreciate? Get back to love?

480
00:37:15.519 --> 00:37:19.800
And then the biggest question you have
to ask right now is are you

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00:37:19.840 --> 00:37:23.079
finally ready for marital counseling? Because
that's where the work is. You don't

482
00:37:23.119 --> 00:37:27.840
have to be in counseling forever.
Plenty of long term relationships have little touch

483
00:37:27.880 --> 00:37:30.239
ups. Look even the Obamas.
In Michelle's book, they talk about the

484
00:37:30.239 --> 00:37:36.199
therapy that can you imagine being the
therapist to the Obamas? That's some big

485
00:37:36.239 --> 00:37:39.440
secret holder, but you have to
That's how you make it work. You

486
00:37:39.559 --> 00:37:44.519
go every once in a while to
a licensed therapist who's going to help you

487
00:37:44.639 --> 00:37:47.840
solve your core conflict. That is
not going to go away on its own.

488
00:37:49.559 --> 00:37:52.079
And also if it's boredom, they're
going to help you add that novelty

489
00:37:52.360 --> 00:37:57.679
that you need to. Oh,
okay, are we really at the end?

490
00:37:57.840 --> 00:38:00.679
I can't believe it? Why do
it go so far? Every time?

491
00:38:00.519 --> 00:38:05.400
I'm here as I have been for
the last almost nine years on KFI

492
00:38:05.519 --> 00:38:08.000
AM six forty every Sunday. Now
it's Doctor Wendy after dark from seven to

493
00:38:08.079 --> 00:38:10.599
nine, which I like a lot
better. It seems more relaxed, and

494
00:38:10.599 --> 00:38:14.079
then we're talking about relationships instead of
being in the car with the kids on

495
00:38:14.119 --> 00:38:16.119
the way back from a weekend at
four o'clock. I like the seven pm

496
00:38:16.159 --> 00:38:20.960
thing. Anyway. I'm always here
for you every Sunday between seven and nine

497
00:38:21.000 --> 00:38:23.280
pm. You can also follow me
on my social media, Kayla. It's

498
00:38:23.280 --> 00:38:25.880
always a pleasure to see you.
We'll see you next week. You've been

499
00:38:25.920 --> 00:38:30.199
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls showing
KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere

500
00:38:30.360 --> 00:38:37.039
on the iHeartRadio app. You've been
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can

501
00:38:37.039 --> 00:38:39.719
always hear us live on KFI AM
six forty from seven to nine pm on

502
00:38:39.840 --> 00:38:44.440
Sunday and anytime on demand on the
iHeartRadio app,