Welcome to softcore History. What is up? Welcome back to softcore History.
I am your host, Rob Fox. It is our last edition of Halloween
Horror Month. I'm joined as always by Dan Ridges and Jake Goldman. I'm
a little witch the witchy. I'm a little witchy, feeling a little witchy
today. I am dressed as Winnie the Pooh's second best friend, Tigger.
Yeah, him and pigletter boys. Yeah, piglets. It's Piglet, just
his friend. Yes. I think they're all deeply a sex. Have I
mentioned on the show before they're all deeply a sexual? Yeah? But no.
But after I had a kid, we started watching Winny of the Pool
Lot and I noticed for the first time as an adult, because I'd never
watched Winnie the Poop as an adult really before that Like, clearly, this
is these kids imaginary friends. And for whatever reason, all his imaginary friends
are like eighty years old. That's true, troubling. Yeah, they all
are very old. They're all old people. They're all old. They all
sound like old people, like, oh, oh, I don't know,
being like it's just it's it's literally, if you go to a fucking nursing
home, the conversations that they have on Winnie the Pooh or what's being had
there. I'm also wearing a onesie. You are as well. You are
a lama from also here. Thanks for having me on your show, guys,
Yeah, you're welcome. You best guest, Dan re Jester. You're
the lama from Fortnite? Is that what I am? I think you were
a Fortnite long I found this? Yeah, er, i'd wear this in
solidarity. Yeah, well, since you texted us at like fucking eleven o'clock
last night, I mean, like, don't forget to bring Halloween costumes.
Yeah, I'm the only one that shows up with a Halloween He found that
hat here. Jake found that hat here. Technically I still have blood on
my fish from last night and my neck, but that wasn't part of your
costume, right, did you not? I just kind of fight. What
did you do last night? Well, you know, I was tired of
all these uh you know, alpha males bullying me on the internet, so
I went out and just got a fist fight. Fuck. Yeah, just
approve a point for those who don't know or didn't see. Uh, some
like not really popular only had like twenty thousand followers, but like right wing
ultra ultra right wings were giving them the time of day. Okay, sure,
I tried to like volley back and forth with him. He was just
he was, I'm not having it. He's not very good. He posted
a clip of our podcast being like this is the State of History podcast now,
and everyone was like, look at these these cook boys. Fucking well
yeah, no, my favorite these soy boys. Yeah. My favorite comment
was like, first off, bitch, I would never sweat my body,
damn wouldn't. My favorite comment though, was these guys are clearly like in
open relationships, getting pegged by their girl friends and eating weed gummies. I
was like, dude, I haven't eaten a weed gummy in a while,
choking. I probably fucked your wife at some point. Yeah, and you
know what, it's fine what I do with my open relationship wife. Just
kidding. We are in a very close to one. It's very close.
Yeah, Jake doesn't allow her to leave the house that his permission. I'm
actually I'm actually an avatar. I'm not even you only have one car like
a crowder as well? Yeah, what is that? There's some fuckus?
Is that Steve like a louder? With crowded. Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
that guy's he's rich as fuck with their family only has one car for
reasons. Yeah, because he probably goes out and focks no because she can't
leave. Yeah, oh that's right, he's his he's a psychopath basically.
Yeah. No, I remember, there's a lot of ship like he is.
I'm not being serious. We didn't have to go this deep into it.
I was just making a funny funny. Just make it a funny Oh
again, Yeah, it doesn't matter. I'll stand by Roberty Lee being more
on though. That's fine. It was just a dumb quote. I stand
by him just being an nerd. It was yeah, no, no to
Americans, loser, just straight up losing. Though we lost the war,
yes, but yeah zero demerit said west Point was what are you trying to
prove? It was our clip making fun of his quote. It was like,
it's a good thing. War is so terrible unless we grow too fond
of it, which doesn't mean anything. Doesn't make any sense. But well,
first off, that's just how they talked, all right, that's let
me push back, let me play Devil's avocado here. It's a it's a
fine quote, right, fine, because there's also people that we know that
have gone the war that I've talked about how it's addicted in. Yeah,
sure whatever, but they say they don't. The more the less terrible it
is. I don't care. I got swept under the same rug as a
cuckboy like you. I know. But it's the same as like that Michael
Jordan quote that's like I never lost, I just ran out of time.
That means you lost. No, I agree with Jordan. The timed game.
It's a timed game, just like any Nate Diaz fight. He just
ran out of rounds. Oh my god, I fucking if it was a
real fun I would have got you. Yeah, there's no round you just
go to someone. Well, if it was a real fight, you would
have not been stopped the previous four rounds, right, and they would have
just choked you out. Nate. Yeah, if you really wanted to,
Leon Edwards would have beat your ass. My god. Anyway, welcome back
to the show. If you haven't already, please leave a review on our
on Apple, like, write a review and leave five stars on Spotify.
You just leave five stars helps us jump up the ratings so we can get
nitpicked by more weirdos on Twitter. Also, we have a Patreon Patreon dot
com slash softcore history. Five dollars a month gets you what extra eight episodes
a month. I don't do the math man and next sometimes this morn I
think it's this month. It's probably closer to ten. It's more like ten.
Yeah octobers like that, five week, eight eight to nine episodes a
month. We'll call it plush every week. Yeah, an entire evergreen back
catalog of stuff of history stuff. There's so much at this point you will
never run out. It's the Patreons'm going for a while, so check it
out. Check all that out. It's awesome. But yeah, it's Spooky
month. It's Halloween horror month. Well it's the day before a Halloween right
now when this comes out. Yeah, yeah, we're recording on the twenty
ninth, comes out the thirtieth. So we're going to talk about my favorite
Spooky Month topic today, witches, witch trials and the again might be my
favorite one yet because I don't think they even cared about witchcraft. I really
think they just wanted to use their torture tools. It's like, yeah,
it's like, why else are you going to develop them. Yeah right,
I mean I don't think anyone cared about terrorism. We just wanted to use
the new stuff we made in the desert, same kind of concept. I
don't care what Oppenheimer said. He designed that bomb because he wanted to use
it. Yeah, he wanted to see. It's like, well, theory
alone only gets you so far. Yeah, can't just have a war in
your brain? No, I mean I can, but every day it's just
with myself. Every day I'm at war. So today we're going to talk
about a witch trial. And like I said, special for two reasons.
First off, because like I said, I think they were just like,
let's just torture some bitches. Sometimes you got tortures some bitches. Yeah,
hey they meant too, they did. There were plenty of men that were
tortured. But you know, if your witch, you a bitch and then
could be bitches too. Yeah, these guys were bitches and brush your shoulders
off. Uh. And the second reason is because these witch trials were actually
what inspired Shakespeare to write Macbeth. Oh really, these were the witch trials
that inspired Macbeth, and specifically the Weird Sisters or whatever at the start,
the one that Macbeth sells is whatever soul to or you know whatever. So
it inspired evil art, Yeah, the devil's art. Yeah, double bubble
toil, trouble. I don't care for Shakespeare, you know, I think,
I think, I mean either are a lot of people at the time
that were like they were like, he's not even that gregeous, right,
it's about like topical ship and these idiots eat it up. He makes content.
Yeah, cont Shakespeare is actually really good, Yes, like one of
the best, some would say one of the best. Yeah, possibly crazy.
I mean if you like I am Bic Pentameter, you'll love this guy,
absolute dead. I do remember in high school being like nobody talks like
this. It's like, yeah, that's the point. Have you guys ever?
I know you haven't actually acted in a Shakespeare play. You don't know
shit about my life? Yeah, dude, I was Macbeth. Was that
the name of the rapist in the school meet school tree? In Macbeth?
You're what a tree? Oh? I was the tempest? Were you?
I was the storm? I am the storm. You just dressed as a
cloud. No, I've never been in that. I was the kid.
I was that soft small part in a Midsummer Night's Dream. What were you
pan? The pan? The goat boy? Uh? You know, I
did wear that costume that was like a face I had in high school for
a while, goat legs and no shirt. Carried a pan everywhere, but
a pan flute everywhere. But I didn't do it in the show. I
kind of stole it from the guy. Although, like big theater kid in
my grade ended up being one of the bigger male porn stars. Yeah,
yeah, oh yeah were here's shout out what a good porn name. We've
all seen his penis. Yeah, he wrote for TFM for like two columns.
Wait, really about being a point porn star being a porn sorry let
me I mean I actually haven't seen his peanuts, so googlely. Yeah it's
a good hog. He's about one hundred and forty pounds. Forty pounds a
hog. Uh yeah, yep, looks the build of a theater kid,
certainly. But anyway, memorizing those lines is a fucking nightmare in porn.
No, those lines are easy. No, sometimes you just got honey,
you take after take out of take my My lines in porno are always great.
I always get type casts. I always say, honey, your pizzas
here, I'm going out, uh to Whole Foods. You're you're I'm going
to hli Fit's. I'm gonna leave you all alone with the hot pool boy.
Yeah. Oh, I hope nothing goes wrong pool cleaners here. I'm
going to yoga. That's exactly what those I said. We were like funny
um anyway, where the funck was le makefath blah blah. Memory of this
line it sucks because it's literally like it barely makes sense. So you're just
like memorizing random words in a row. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Like it's fucking hard. So yeah, Spier Macbeth. Not only that,
this is what inspired the witch trials that got King James all convinced that
they were witches everywhere. We are talking today about the North Berwick witch trials
of fifteen ninety in Scotland. Hell yeah, Scottish witches. Yes, it's
got Yeah, that's Macbeth. The whole thing, So Shakespeare was because it's
all happened in Scotland. This is before, I think, maybe before James
became King of the whole kingdom. He was just James, King of Scotland
at that point. He was just Jimmy Jimmy to the fellas, Jimmy the
Scott, Jim Scott, Yes, Jim Scott. But yeah, anyway,
he was up. Yeah. So but the setting inspired Shakespeare a lot too.
He loved the Scottish setting. So you may be wondering what started what
event kicked off the North Berwick witch Trials and that answer, I guess women
be learning. No, no, no, it wasn't even that, honestly,
like I said, women be laughing, women be being fellas, women
being hot but not touchable. Yeah. It was actually the Trier witch Trials
kind of in Germany. So they took place in Trier, Germany after a
new Catholic archbishop took over and he wanted to make a mark, you know.
He he was like, I really want to just like prove on the
shit and just prove how like righteous I am and how good of an archbishop
I am. So it's sound to just kill a bunch of Protestants, Jews
and witches as tales oldest time. Yeah, you gotta rack up those numbers.
Yeah yeah, how else are you going to prove it? If you're
I mean, it's the holy Trinity of things to stack for a Catholic.
Yeah, absolutely, baby, Yeah, for sure. I'm surprised though he's
stacking Protestants in Germany. Now obviously he was in a Catholic part of Germany.
Yeah, but you have a couple of choices, right, You can
do a crusade, or you can burn a witch. Yeah. And if
you don't want to travel all that way exactly, you can find a witch
anywhere you find a witch. Witches are everywhere, morsades. If you're like
a home body bishop, you get a witch. Witch, did you bunch
of witches? So? Between fifteen eighty seven and fifteen ninety three, three
hundred and sixty eight people were burned alive for sorcery uh in twenty two villages
around treer Uh and in fifteen eighty eight, two of those villages were left
with only one female inhabitant in each. Oh, what a nightmare for her?
No oh, sorry, we made you the most popular person in town.
Not all popularity. Yeah. I don't like the amount of like kids
that were just left orphaned by this bishop. I guess this very upstanding righteous
man fucking crazy. There was also including those three out of those three sixty
eight, one hundred and eight were from the nobility. Whoa they were getting
everybody one of the victims. Dietrich Flade Flawed who knows, was the chief
judge of the court, and he was like, guys, this is fucking
dumb. This is we like, these all these people aren't We are like,
yeah, witches exist, but I'm sure all these people aren't witches.
And you're only getting them to confess with torture. And I don't really buy
that they are like telling the truth. I think they just want you to
stop cutting their fingers, right, No, if you have two witches,
to even have one, that's the it's the age old adage, right,
if you have two witches, you have no witches. Well, to these
people, you have two witches. There's five hundred war somewhere. Yeah,
there has to be, and they're everywhere. No, how unpopular do you
think the guys that's like, hey, have we ever considered that? They're
just saying stuff? So the torture stops and it's not real. That guy
had to be the least fun guy in the witch brigade. Uh yeah,
well they didn't think he was very fun. So he was accused and then
consequently arrested, tortured, strangled and burned himself. Dude. Yeah, okay,
so they were like, you know what, maybe you're a witch.
I mean this is literally just pedophile. Just replace it with groomer or pedophile
or anything or anything. Yeah, or terrorists fucking yeah, or colonizer or
insurrectionist clan member, fascist, fascist is a great one. Calm me said,
whatever, yeah, just it's just because if it's really just if someone's
like, I don't know about that, this seems a little crazy. Yeah,
it's like, oh, you know, who would say that a fill
in the blank? Yeah, yeah, bad whatever the bad word is,
whatever that thing is. Needless to say, these trials were huge news in
the region, and they were a topic of common discussion, including in Copenhagen,
Denmark. Oh yes, yes, Copenhagen, the happiest polace on earth.
Now what does Copenhagen have to do with all of this, Well,
you see, Princess Anne of Denmark was engaged to be married to King James.
MM. So she's engaged to be married. You know, by engaged,
I mean they were like, hey, you you're going there. Yeah,
so she's gonna gonna marry King James gets on a ship bound for Scotland
to go be Wed. But the journey is absolutely slammed by storms so badly
that they have to veer off and uh just go to the port and uh
Oslo, Norway, and they got to just chill there for a while.
It seems like a time where you don't want to make pit stops, depends
on where you're going. The Norwegians were chill. They let them hang out
in their court. They were good. Yeah, I feel like royalty and
nobility and stuff was really just like it was so who house. It was
like you can come it not the literal enemy or it looks bad, like
how King George when the last czar was like please, cousin, how do
you get the fuck out of It was more like an airline lounge, like
a Delta lounge, like a sky Milese but like I got the silver card,
old card here recently downgraded. Yeah, sorry, we dropped you to
a standard account. I'm so sorry. You let what you let peasants get.
You gotta get that under They just let anybody in here. Huh Yeah,
it's gross. So they set up shopping Oslo and King James and they're
like the storm fucked up their ships and they needed to repair them and and
you know, resupply and all this stuff. So King James is like,
all right, I don't want to put this wedding off. I'll go to
Oslo and we'll Mary get married there. So they get married there and there's
spend a few more weeks living with the Royal Norwegian Court, and then they
head to Scotland to live out the rest of their happy lives, but again
slammed by brutal storms like the one hitting this studio right now. We really
needed it though, we needed we've needed this last I think it's gonna ran
for like a month straight. I'll tell you what, let's fucking go weed.
The gray weather makes my pasty skins sing like my It's like rob actually
starts glowing when it gets over here, you know, like when when they
put the metal in that security guard's blood and Magneto just was like, oh,
we like gets a little horny. Basically, it would be good content
if we built an arc an arc. I don't want to do that.
It's such a long process. You don't want you don't want to build with
your hands. Not an arc, No, not much of anything, to
be honest, Actually, you know what, Dan, I'll build an ARC
with you. We have to launch it in Lake Travis. Why Travis,
Because it's the closest lake I could think of. I'm excited to Lady Bird
like Ladybirdake, We'll have an ARK in downtown Austin. Do Lake Travis because
you'll both drown? What do you mean that lake will take you? You
don't think we can build an narcod enough. I just think you'll drown.
Okay, Now we have to build the arc, especially you. I don't
think you're much of a swimmer. I'm a fantastic swimmer. Actually, I'm
actually of the two of us, I'm definitely the weaker one. Yeah.
No, I would go to the pocon As every summer and I uh,
I just swim the entire lake like wan paw pack. What cool? Yeah,
I don't almost get smoked by boats like a manatee kind of danity,
Like, oh shit, we had a kid, Dan Scott, just insane
scar on his back propellers. I learned how to swim at the y MCA.
Motherfucker dude. A friend of mine actually saw Dan when he was out
on a boat. He saw Dan in the lake and he went to jump
on him and he went through it went through heah, I went through dance
riding corpse. It was crazy. Now I'm a fantastic swimmer, though,
Okay, I could probably be both of you with like a twenty five meter
head start. I wouldn't be surprised by that. A twenty no way,
yeah, no way, twenty five meters I'm not. I'm never ast swimmer.
You're not going to get me into. So what's what is the distance
we're talking about? I'm twenty five meters. Yeah, it's a fifty meter
race'll beat you. That's hilarious. Uh, I'm down for that. Okay,
I'll film it. I guess I don't really care about competition. It's
weird that Rob thinks I have like no athletic bones in my body, because
I didn't say that. I know you have athletic bones in your body.
You just didn't strike me as a swimmer. It's a very specific skill.
It's a survival skill. It's not even it's not even a sports skill.
It's like, hey, I'm not dying. You just strike me. I
know you could. I assumed you can swim. I just didn't think swimming
was something you did a lot as a kid Jersey Shore brother. Yeah,
do you swim in the Yeah. I used to get hammered drunk doing in
college. Uh uc have a good cocoa beach, me and my buddies get
fucked up, and then we'd swim out as far out past the pier,
like a mile out. This is literally like I should be dead at something.
It's just like the thing that like moms are scared of when their kids.
Good, I should have been swept away by a current, eaten by
a shark. Anything, But no, I don't swim too far Dan blackout,
drunk and a mile out on the coast. It's crazy how when you
drink too much, all the things you shouldn't do seem like good ideas.
It's possible. Yeah, yeah, you just yeah. The only limitation is
your mind, that's right. And when you don't have a mind, you
just shut that guy right the fuck up. Quiet. So they lived in
Oh yeah, they got slam by storm. Sorry so the anyway. The
Danish Minister of Finance, Christopher Valkendorf, was accused by the guy in charge
of the fucking boats, Admiral Peter Monk, of doing a really shitty job
equipping the boats to handle storms, and also like putting the right amount of
supplies and stuff being cheap. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and uh so
the admirals like, I've been on a million boats. I have a fucking
admiral. You did an awful job, like paying for these getting these boats
prep. We were not ready to get hit by a storm. We were
barely ready to get to Scotland. This is your fault. And Christopher Walkendorf
was like, no, I didn't do a bad job. It was witches.
Don't you wish you could play that card now, I dude, I
was just about to say, it's like, oh, it was the witches
in my blood that made me say that. When I was yeah, he
was like, no, dude, he wasn't. It wasn't what I did.
It was it was this chick, Karen Waivers. He had he had
caused he had been the storming caused by witches in the house of Karen Faivers.
I think they had gotten in an argument or something. And he was
like, and she curt She fucking cursed me, man, And that's what
happened. And I was I did a good job. And no one bought
that. Yeah, no one bought that's it's amazing. That's actually well then
how did they how did they continue? Yeah, because Valkendorf doubled down.
I was like, I'm telling you, bro, it was witches. Why
why would he lie? Yeah, it wasn't me doing a bad job.
It was fucking witches. That would be such a good excuse to like,
I know, you play this card all the time with your kids, like,
oh, you know, I can't really go out tonight, got the
kid's wife got put on. That's the only time I wouldn't play that card.
It's for doing stuff that has responsibility. But back then, if you
know, you didn't want to go out with this specific grip that you know,
witches got me, Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I got some as
witch fucking spit on me, and I'm like my hand out of a tone
hand, I kind of can't today. It's gonna turn real wardy if I
come out. Yeah, you don't want you don't want that? Yeah,
no, which is like the devil made me do it, essentially right.
They've used people have tried to use that defense up in like as late as
nineteen eighty. That's a present day somebody is noon was just people don't even
pay any mind to it. I just watched a documentary on a guy that
went his initial defense was I'm going to plead not guilty on grounds of demonic
possession, and lawyer is like, yeah, we're gonna run with this.
Yeah, And the court was immediately like, no, you're not. We're
not even gonna listen to that. It's fucking stupicking crazy. Yeah, and
he's like, okay, self defense, Like no, you can't say that
now because you originally said demonic possession, so we know we know it wasn't
self defense, right. Yeah. Fuck. So there was a famous witch
at the time. Her name was Anne Coldings. She was so infamous that
she was called the mother of the Devil, and they just let her run
around like that. No, she was in jail at this point, and
they were basically like human zooinger like people come toee like this crazy witch and
she was like super She was like a celebrity basically, but she was in
jail for a different witchcraft charge, well known in the country. So Valcandorf
is like, dude, it was witches. Why don't we ask that which
we have in jail right now? I should tell you. She'll know,
she'll know she's a witch. So the Dutch authorities were like, okay,
you say a witch did it and she knows, well, I guess you
know, even though it really seems like you're incompetent, I guess it wouldn't
hurt anyone to torture and coldings to find out. That's good. So they
were like this Valcandorf guys really insistent they were witches. I guess let's torture
Anne and just see if she says anything. It's like a shitty magic eight
ball. It's just a witch. You stab in a room, it spits
out answers. You just like keep a guy locked in your attic. You
go out there, put a gun in his mouth, and you're like,
am I gonna be a millionaire today? The guy with the gun in the
mouth, guy never lies that. I'll keep it the attic. So I'm
not a millionaire. It's somebody else's fault. Yeah, that's originally that was
originally the plot for a minority report. Pree Cocks were just dudes with guns
in their mouths, just walking. You're like, hey, is this the
killernority report? So the Dutch authorities torture and and and is like, you
know, what Yeah, this sucks. I'll just submit to something. So
she says a group of women had gathered in the House of Karen, where
they had caused the storm of the on the princess's ship by sending small devils
up the keels of the ship. And also I think they put should They
said they like ding like it was undersupplied because devils got into the bare rolls
and made them leak and stuff like that. Of course that's what devils do.
Yeah, right, yeah, or maybe Valcandorf claimed that and then she
was like, yeah, there were devils everywhere. Anyway, Valcandorf is cleared
of being incompetent because the witch that they tortured for eight hours was like they
did it eight hours, however, I mean it wasn't quick, Like I
just don't understand. You think they just ask her first? Right, yeah,
like, hey were there? But which is lie? Oh right,
I gotta get the truth out of them. Just do lie? After eight
hours? Though? Do you think like a whistle blows and like ah shifts
over. Well, we did talk about that in the exorcism I did for
Patreon last week. I think, right, a boy, how they were
taking lunch breaks during the three day excises the girl that slithered like a snake.
Yeah, you have to. You can't do three straight of that.
I still can't get over that that. They let that go on for a
few weeks, decompressed, before they were finally like, enough is it?
No? Can you remember how has been walking around with a fucking six ft
elongated spine coming out of the top of her tour So like, I don't
know what else do you want me to say? She shouldn't be here anymore.
They're like all right. So Coldings was then burned alive in July fifteen
ninety. Oh an, why would you kill your magic a ball? I
right, she could give you all of the stuff. Coldings had named five
other The mother of the Devil had named five other women as accomplices. Among
them was Malon, who was wife of the mayor of Hell's Nigoor hellsingor healsingor
helsingor Hellsinger Hellsinger may who knows Margaret Si Scrivers was another one. All the
women were arrested in charge this spouse. Scrivers husband unsuccessfully tried to defend her,
I guess in court or just to the people arresting her, and he
was arrested in charge for witchcraft himself. You gotta run, You just gotta
run, like sorry, babe, no, no, no, I just
be like if if you got a witch accusation outbreak going on in your town,
you get the fuck out of there. Yeah, take your chances,
Like, what are the odds going to be? Me too? Right?
The original me too? I'm pretty cool. People love, but I'm not
a witch. That's what they all say. That's exactly what. Surely they
won't bring the hammer down on me. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm at
church all the time, in a mis church two weekends ago. But they'll
probably remember that. Oh, they very much remember. Uh. They take
role. It's like a fucking college. It's like a college class, an
auditorium class that takes attendance. It's fucking pastards. It's anqum. You know
you had to the laser clicker to prove you were in class. Do you
remember that shit? Fuck that the clicker? Yeah? I hated those things.
Click. Well, they just want to get your answers. No,
it's not for attendance. It's so you can participate. Yeah, no,
God, just give it to somebody else. Yeah, and then you have
my clutches with like thirteen of those things. Yeah. Still annoying though.
So Karen was arrested in July. She confessed to having been one of them
after torture. Uh. And then she said her and Coldings and others gathered
the witches and that caused the storms. They told the storms to hunt the
royal ship with their witchcraft, and they named a couple other more women as
accomplices, because when you're torturing one of the things they want names. Oh
yeah, then you get to do more torture. And by the way,
this is not even the witch trials we're here to talk about. This is
the Copenhagen witch trials. This is one that inspired the Scottish ones, right,
yes, yeah, So James gets back to Scotland incredibly impressed by how
the Dane, the Danisher Danish Dutch which whatever they're Danish in Denmark. What
if it was witch trials at the Copenhagen tobacco plant. Oh, I mean,
it wouldn't surprise me. It's just a radically different experience. Yeah,
just love spitting, witch spitting men spitting. It's a spitfest. Like she
swallowed it and didn't get sick, which I would accuse that she swallowed it,
but her face turned green like a witch. Yeah, like a wit.
Yeah. So he's like many, I am just so impressed with the
Danish. They just they did such a good job rooting out all those definitely
real witches. I bet we have witches here, I guarantee you. He
was like, oh, man, that's a great way to blame people,
like this is sick. Yeah. No, he was an idiot obviously about
the wishes, but he was kind of a Christian boy scout like he was
like, just just bought it, you know what I mean. So you
told me he had a hunt of witches. He basically got back and he
was like, yeah, there's definitely witches here. I bet they're trying to
kill me too. He's got real main character syndrome, which is pretty excusable
for a king to be honest though, the one who damed by God right
right? Yeah, yeah, okay, your main character center makes sense.
Uh So, more than one hundred suspected witches in North bear Work were arrested
when James got back. Several confessed under torture. They confessed that they had
met with the devil in the church at night and they devoted themselves to doing
evil, including poisoning the king and other members of his household and attempting to
sink the King's ship. So basically Storm one that tried to that that knocked
Anne over to Oslo, that was the Copenhagen witches. But the Storm two
on the way to Scotland. James was like, I bet those were our
witches. Witches can't get that far, which just can move they are they
can use transportation, i'd imagine, yeah, but normal and supernatural. There's
uh, you know, lines of jurisdiction for witches. I imagine too though,
like they can't cross certain water barriers. Then you're getting into the Scottish
witches lane. You can't get on their turf. Yeah, it can.
It will become the turf wars between witches. Yeah, a turf war.
So that's what Harry Potter was. You think that's heat lightning off the distance
exactly know the witch jewel. Don't let that go unnoticed. Yeah, turf
war with JK Rowlin. That's actually did it. Wow, I thought that's
what you were alluding to. H No, I was not you. Oh
yeah, joke, I say that I did it. Well, yeah,
I didn't even realize my own jokes. Thank you amazing. Yeah I didn't,
but yes, rim shot me, bitch. Sorry, I didn't realize
what's going on. It's it's morning, but yeah, that's the new hair.
That's really the next set of Harry Potter books. That's the kids.
Uh So several confessed under torture to having met the devil in church at night.
Uh. Scottish witches were linked to the storms by the testimony of Gillis
Duncan. Apparently, Duncan began to uh exhibit a miraculous healing ability and she
would sneak out of the house at night. She she was a servant to
David Seaton, and he was like, I thought she was sus because she
kept healing. I don't know how he noticed this, but he made her
confess. Seaton confronted her. She was she couldn't explain her new ability and
strange. So even she was like, I know, I am healing super
fast. Wait, so she would like be sick, heal, come back,
be sick. I guess man, it sounds like she just didn't want
to do the ship. She might have like an immune disorder. Well,
like it was too good. She just like her coffin her. I think
her cough's just like going away quicker, like she gets cold while everyone else
is like basically dead for two weeks. Three days later, she's like,
I feel wrong, it's right, I can't do Scottish. She's like,
I feel right, it's right, I'm good. Nobody should do Scottish.
No one should do Scottish mouth and try to do an English accent. There's
only one. It's the groundskeeper Willie. That's the best Scottish accents, the
best character the Simpsons. In my humble opinion, I love groundskeeper Willy,
especially when he rips his shirt off. He's so jacked. The groundskeeper Willy
being jacked is that? And and any meme I see of Trump being jacked
will never not make me laugh. Those two, those two things I giggle.
The man who notably doesn't work out because it expires your battery, which
you only have a certain limit as a human. Trump's ass is so big,
bro, you got a fucking donk on. It's can't it's huge.
But it is just I just, I just it just tickles me every fucking
time. So can we be honest though with the witches. Yeah, I
guarantee they weren't attractive. They're not going to execute a pretty woman, you
know. I kind of think they do. I think there's a really hot
chance for girls that don't put out but are hot to be witches. Yeah,
that could be the case. Yeah, but I imagine a lot of
these witches that they they burnt the steak or or just execute. Probably not
your breast and brightest. Well certainly so for one thing to slip there,
for one thing though there even though that one the trier which trials nabbed a
hundred noble people, children among them. Yeah, typically it's poor people.
So they're looking a little rougher, I would imagine than your typical noble person.
I mean, they're living a much rougher life. Right. We talked
about what peasantry was like, right, so yeah, I would imagine that
the prettiest ones are animals. Were just trying to constantly knock their houses down
there. It's so fucking funny. It's like, yeah, just like every
time a cow is in a rut or I don't even know, a deer
is just running in the like the the animals apparently just saw their houses and
were like, no, no, stop doing that do you do this to
Hill's cow? No, those are supposed to be there like that. This
is a square. So Seaton uh was like explaining yourself and she was like
a coot and he was like torture. So she was tortured with the pilliwinks.
Mmm, yes, yes, yes, yes, what is that?
It's not as fun as it sounds. Pilly winks, pilliwinks pilli wings the
thumb screw a Yeah, her thumbs screwed into Uh. Eventually she confessed to
witchcraft. Uh when but the thumb screw she was stoot with stood actually,
but eventually they were like, we're gonna search your body, uh for marks,
because if you have a mole or a birthmark, that's the witches mark,
just any sort of mark in general. Spot. Yeah, so they're
gonna strip her down to that and then so I imagine she had some sort
of mole because she is just confessed at that point. Yeah. She then
started rolling over on a bunch of other chicks who she said were witches.
Oh so she was a mole. She was a mole with a mole with
a mole, damn it. Yeah. One thing that sucks. I assume
a lot of this is torture, and they're just trying to get the torture
to stop. But the one very common thing in witch trials that I've read
about is just like they they name so many names as soon like they will
just start listing them off. It's whatever names are in your head at that
time. Yeah, I imagine. And you can't just say fake names because
everybody knows everybody. Yeah, there's not a lot of people, right,
How does that save them? Though? It never does? It never does.
It's well, then they just get killed for being a witch. Yeah,
it's the gift. It's what's the point of rolling over on people that
clearly learn? All right, I'll say this, it saves them from further
torture. Yeah, so it doesn't save them. Yeah, they're gonna die,
but it sucks soft. I guess it's kinda They don't make witches like
they used to. Witch hunting is a disease of the mind. Before we
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it. So two significant people were accused Agnes Samson it respected an elderly woman,
so not hot. I guess probably not, probably not. And doctor
John probably an old bag. Literally yeah, doctor John fihan uh a schoolmaster
witch up there. Both initially refused to confess. So coward. Torture.
Sure, nothing torture can't fix. I get this, man, It's cool.
We actually prefer if you don't want to tell us I get it.
We would much prefer if you just didn't admit to that. I mean necessarily
that scene in Inglorious Bastards, right, he's like, we're all real tickled
to hear that. When he tells me to go fuck them selves, He's
like, yeah, we want, we want to lotch your fucking brains get
bashed. It. It's like the Mongol. It's like, here, hear
me out. We'll give you the chance to give up the city, and
we really wish you don't. We hope you don't want to get one chance.
You get one shot, you don't get the negotiation. Yeah, you
got one day to answer, and boy, you're not gonna hurt our feelings
if you say no. You're gonna make our days. Actually. So,
Samson was brought before King James himself and a council of nobles. She denied
all the charges, but after a little torture right in front of the king,
probably the king helping who knows, she was like, oh yeah,
no, okay, I'm a witch and you gotta like, honestly, you
have to think King James the idiot that he is. It's just kind of
sitting there like, these are the things. This is why they say heavy
is the head that wears the crown. These are the tough things you gotta
do as a king who says that kings kings only kings. Say that.
You don't get it, man, I even want a torture. I just
sit there, watch a good torch here for hours. Bro. I was
inconvenienced by a storm one time and I realized I had to do this throughout
my country because a guy did a bad job. Like that is the type
of thing where it's like you get like a tech billionaire level of just like
they don't understand what it's like at the top. They don't understand. They
can't see the bigger picture. Yeah they're not thirty. That's just the imagine
that is this. You boot looking for Bill Gates. I don't boot look
for Bill Gates. He's not. He's not even boot looking. He is
making fun of the cross or not the crassness, but the pompousness of that
thought. No, but I think he agrees with that logic. I do
agree with that lot. You agree with the logic. Stand I just don't
think. I'm not Bill Gates guy. Oh, but not really an elon.
I'm a Zuckerberg guy. Yeah. I root for Zack the way he
trains you know. Yeah, he's not bad. I don't really root for
any billionaires. I guess, No, he is bad. He I find
some new ones could still probably beat his ass. You could not take zucker
work. I could be. Yeah, he's still old. He's got cyborg
bones. Dude, he's gonna fuck you up. No he's not. Yes
he is. I have weight on him too. He's a robot. Fuck,
he's like one hundred and forty pounds. He's gonna pull out a cyborg
strap on him. Yeah, he's only one fifty five. That's his fighting
way. And also I believe in the Derek Lewis logic with jiu jitsu.
I just don't believe. And I stand up. You just stay on your
feet. It's like, if you don't address it as jiu jitsu, it
can't happen that way. Anytime somebody tries to take down Derek Lewis in a
fight, he stands up. That's funny, it's awesome. So I would
simply just not touch the ground. If you don't believe in it, it
doesn't exist. Yeah. I kind of love the magical thinking around not being
beat with jiu jitsu in that mine. It's like, no, why would
I Why would I go down there? It's dumb down there? Yeah,
no, get up, sin, I've never I want to see this now.
I'm gonna watch a video in between our episodes of him doing this.
Yes, he does it all the time. It's fantasticating. So by special
commandment, Agnes's head and body were shaved. Oh, head and body hair
were all shaved. She was fastened to a wall in her cell with a
scolds bridle, which is like a thing. It's like a cage or in
your face, and they put pokeshit into your tongue and your cheeks and stuff
like that. Oh my god, yeah, four sharp prongs. She was
kept without sleep and they threw a rope around her head for days. These
ordeals. After all this stuff, she confessed to fifty to fifty three indictments
against her. She was finally strangled and burned as a witch. Why do
you need fifty three indictment I fucking it seems like overkill, right, So
Samson Uh confessed to attending a sabbat with two hundred witches, including Gillis Duncan.
Uh. That's a sabbath. What a sabbath? I don't know.
Let me check s A B A T S A bbat. It's gotta be
like a witch's sabbath. It probably Yeah. Oh, by the way,
this is I just googled what a scolds bridle looks like. This is a
nightmare. Yeah, yes, it's the horrifying punishment for difficult women. Scholds
Bridle, prazy by Johnson is shots, so it is said today to this
day, the naked and bald ghost of Agnes Sampson stripped and tortured after being
accused of witchcraft. So this is post or maybe with the scolds Bridle.
Awn Uh haunts the palace of Holyrood House. So if you guys want to
do an EP go to Scotland. Mmmm, let's go there. Meet an
I would love to go to Scotland. I imagine trying to travel and girl
the show, why not the Nurse Total Friends? Yeah, no, I
mean straight up like we could go during Glasgow during the uh what is it
Edinburgh? That comedy festival whatever it is? Oh, so sure, I
want to go to that thing that you chase the the wheel of cheese down
the hill. Oh, we can do it in Scotland. Probably sounds Scottish.
It sounds very sounds dumb enough to be Scottish. Definitely. Is it
used to be heads but we had to change it to cheese. Oh it's
in Gloucester, England. But whatever, I mean, not a big we
could do. We could do the land mass of Britain. Yeah, it's
fine. So Doctor Fian was also tortured to shit. His fingernails were ripped
out and iron pins were inserted. Uh. He also got the pilliwinks and
the boot, which is where they just put it on your leg and rush.
Did they just find new ways to crush appendages basically all the time?
Pretty much? Yeah? Uh. He was finally taken to Castle Hill in
Edinburgh and burned at the steak. Fian's testimony implicated Francis Stewart, the fifth
Earl of Bothwell, as part of the supernatural conspiracy. So there's now a
political element of the trial. Gillis Duncan also got Barbara Naper arrested for bewitching
to death Archibald Douglas, who was an earl as well. Archibald's disease was
reportedly so strange that there was no cure. Not there was a cure for
anything back then. It was also alleged that you fame mcclasin. Barbara Naper,
Agnes Sampson and others had attended an assembly of witches where an image of
King James was given to the devil so that they could be like, hey,
devil, this guy, get them get Yeah, hey man, get
this ask you see this one gilt like he doesn't know who the King of
Scotland is, Go get him Lucy. So Naper had also been caught buying
charms to help with her own health. That might explain, Oh no,
she wasn't the healing one. Yeah, and she also improved her a relationship
with the woman she worked for, the Countess. They didn't work because she
got fired. When this all came up in trial, Naper was accused of
practicing witchcraft to kill the king, and she was found guilty but only of
the lesser crime of conspiring with witches, not the plotting to kill the king
or whatever. So what's the what's the punishment for the lesser it's still death?
Well, yeah, King James ordered her to be burnt and publicly disemboweled.
But if the if, like if they found out, But he was
like, you know what, there's some political stuff here. I didn't quite
get figured out. I would have preferred she got the treason charge trying to
kill me. So he wanted to overturn the first verdict verdict in order to
better prosecute the Earl of Bothwell. So King James went to the jurors and
said, change your decision or I'm gonna punish you. Man. Then why
even have them, right, what's the point even then? Yeah, Like
it really is just make him up throughout time like a lot of like king
like decisions by monarchs like this just remind me of children when it's like,
uh you know what, I win? Yeah, I win, I won
the game. I made a I went like, uh no, actually,
you can't take me in the front yard. Like this part of the front
yard because you get it. Yep, yep, it's that. That's most
people these days, to be honest, No, actually, it's different when
this person does this because of the way that like it's different. I think
one of the things such the most frustrating along with that is just like everything
is no one the level of personal accountability just goes out the window sometimes too.
No one ever is like blaming Hey, that guy's just an asshole.
That person made a bad decisions. Yeah, it's like, oh, well,
like if you look at his upbringing or you look grew up, or
like you look at like how he was treated at work, you look at
like an asshole. It's like, man, you know other people go through
that though, and don't do what the up ship. Yeah, like,
and you know maybe if you do something bad you apologize or whatever. That's
it. I don't know or like get punished for it. I really don't
even get mad at anybody's views anymore. I only get mad at logical or
inconsistencies, you know what I mean. Yeah, Like, it's like you
can believe it, you what, but I just like you would have said
something different it was someone different. Yeah, No, I mean I guess
for me, it's like, honestly, I just like it more fear like
I believe this because that's how it feels to me. I'm like, of
respect bro vibes, vibes, just tell me it's vi vibes. And I
love when people just yell out random fallacies that they don't know anything about.
Oh that's straw straw man at home at harminem. Sure, dude, you
want to elaborate taking the question, It's like, all right, but what
are you contributing to the conversation? Now? Okay? Cool? Thanks pretty
much. So yeah, the jurors were like, okay, you got it.
But however, there was no there ended up being no record of Barber
Napors execution, and historians believe she got it. Very existed. They thinks
she existed, They're pretty sure, but they think she got away with it
that they send it in the head evans like Mary just well into hell.
But yes, like just dragged down. Yeah you're saying Mary's in hell.
No, Mary's in heaven, granted no, And I mean she did show
the kids at Fatima, Hell she did. Why would she have access to
that if she wasn't in hell herself. I think she just has she's the
gate cord. Her key card can swipe anything open. She just down on
the ground and is like check it out, he can go. Yeah.
She's got security clearance for everything, top notch. Yeah, yeah, I
got it access. It's the real commodity. Do you think she could like
just vanquish demons with her hands? I think she throws fireballs. Would the
fireball put extinguish a demon? Or maybe ball's a light balls light? Maybe
water? It's not Pokemon. She's a grass type, so she's getting burned.
She wears blue. She's a water type. Water type. Yeah.
She's a squirtle Mary. Yeah, Mary squirtled all the time. Sheees.
Mary used hydra pump. Oh, I need to say a rosary for that
one. Silly you. Fame mcleanson, however, was burned at the stake
for many accusations of witchcraft, including that she had used her witchy skills to
relieve the god ordained pain of women giving birth. Oh she's taken away that
original sin punishment. Yeah's They were like, hey, they need to feel
that, you witch. Imagine I can. I know I've been there,
No, but I mean, like what I'm saying is like it's such an
insane way to think of the world. They need to hurt. I think
original. Oh, there's almost like an original sin idea in everybody, you
know what I mean? Everyone everyone has an idea original Without the bit or
the sweet wouldn't taste so sweet. That's dumb. So I need pain,
Yeah, okay, most life is pain. That's why it's it's self imposed
pain as well. It's like, oh what is Oh, you can't have
you can't understand the light without the dark ship it's dumb. Yes, you
can, yeah, from other people if anything. Well, the night is
always darkest before the low's the day after doing cocaine. Make the highs lower
the day before, because that next time I do cocaine, I'm like,
it's gonna be bad. Well, yeah, it's getting that way. With
drinking, I'm good, No, you're fine. But I'm a very strategic
drinker. Now you plan it out. No, I just all my drinks
have like they're mostly water. Oh yeah, like I drink ranch waters.
That's true, like crazy, that's weird. I only drink like whatever the
bartender has under the I don't drink much, so when I do, I
try to make the most out of it. Yeah, usually just I rim
it with PCP a little, just a little. Uh, red Bull vodka
rim it with adderall and PCP. That is the perfect rim for a Red
Bull vodka to get wet. Yeah, adderall the margarita. That's really funny.
So thus ended the Barwick witch Trials. James had been roughly satisfied.
Of course, there were more words witch trials on our King James. I
actually did an episode on them a later one after he wrote his book Demonology
about demons and finding witches and stuff demons. This kind of inspired him.
He was like, man, we crushed at those witch trials. I need
to write this down, and I like, I was so good at interrogating
and stuff like, I probably need to tell other people how good I am
going to write the book on this. Yeah, I'm gonna write the book
on this. So Shakespeare was inspired by because this is huge news in Scotland
and England as well. Shakespeare was inspired by this. Uh took several concepts
from the trials and from the later work of King James Demonology. The witches
are very closely inspired from the testimonies and stuff from these trials. UH.
He also borrowed many quotes from the Treaties, the three witches in Macbeth who
cast their spells to do it in the same manner they're said to do in
the trials. But yeah, my favorite part about this whole thing was it
was basically like a social contagion almost. It was like witch trials were in
the news, and then witch trials pop up in a second place where this
third guy sort of happened to be, and then he's like, that's we
have to bring that back here because there's probably which is all over where I'm
fucking from. Oh, I mean, like witch trials. It's interesting to
hear that in a micro level, it's a social contagion, like within a
community, but it's a global one too. The macros. It's it's because
some this all happened basically because some archbishop in Germany wanted to make a name
for himself and then some really shitty employee government worker. I mean he was
a high ranking guy, but some really shitty bureaucrat didn't want to take the
blame. Yeah, take the blame for being shitty. So people women in
Sco, men in Scotland died. Dude, think about this. You ever
built something you ever done such a bad job. People across the world think
about that. That's crazy. That is that is heavy as the head.
Yeah, like yeah, when you have that kind of like processor, like
that kind of downstream effect. Yes, that is a heavy head to wear
or heavy crown to wear. But it all just happened. These witch trials
had really just happened because there were other witch trials in the news. That's
crazy. So like one minute, you know, you're just trying to find
a wife. The next minute you're like, I gotta put some I gotta
fucking burn this guy alive and beat this woman until she tells me all her
friends are witches. Woman, you're trying to find a wife. Next minute
you're trying to convince people that the wife he just found isn't a fucking witch
and shouldn't be burned alive. Yeah, that's a nightmare. Like can you
imagine, dude, Oh my fucking god, if people just showed up at
your door like, hey, your wife's witch. Yeah, someone told us,
so, oh you don't want her to get ticken or are you a
witch? I was like, you won't be a witch. That's why they're
just like, oh no, it's probably her spell. Oh God, now
that you're here, it's I'm getting faked the witch. Sorry, babe,
the opposite. Now you tried to find a wife out there, they're all
witches, and they're all witches. It's crazy, especially in Louston, what
especially in Austin, especially here. Uh. That's all I got for today.
What you guys learn. I mean that a guy what you just said
that a guy was so bad at his job a bunch of people in Scotland
died. Like that's crazy, poor people. Or he was that good at
his job. I mean he was good at the bureaucracy part of it,
that's for certain. If his if in his mind his job was to keep
his job, he's great at his job. I think that is the sole
job of bureaucrats. Yeah, jobs, to keep your job. Yeah,
the job is to keep the job out jobs for your job. Yeah.
So he was awesome at his job. Yeah. And that's why I think
we need to eliminate ninety five percent of jobs out there. It's a good,
good economic practice. Yeah, useless waste of money. I like that.
People need to understand the grind, They need to understand the world of
a dollar. Yeah. I love I love CEOs. I think they can
do everything better than their employees. As a man speaking into a microphone,
right now, right, you need to lose your job. There are a
lot of CEOs who for some reason don't understand that they shouldn't have play calling
duties. Yeah, dude, just go play, just go coach, right,
like you don't that is to roll over the roster. Yeah, when
a CEO, Yeah, it's like a general manager or something like. Yeah,
it's just you gotta to stay in your lane. You handle your level,
right, You make sure everything's good on your level, your tier of
things. You have people under you that report the ground stuff up to you.
Too many Chip Kelly's out there control. Yeah, it doesn't work.
Uh. Who's today's hitler? I think there's a couple of good candidates.
There's a ton of them in this one. The girl that just kept healing,
Yeah her, I mean you gotta think it's anyone that was having fun
torturing certainly, Yeah, not like you know, one of them had to
be like there's no fucking such thing as which is. But I'm loving this
part right Yeah, Like I'm not here to ask questions. I'm just here
to screw the screws. Yeah, like, I don't nothing personal. Yeah,
it's just my job. If I don't do this, they're gonna call
me a witch. Yeah, it's so sorry. Scream real well, just
scream. Hey you got friends, You got friends? Start shouting their names.
Yeah, just in the sense. You know who's hitler today? Self
preservation Actually kind of not wrong. That's the instinct to live is the hitler
today. The instinct to not feel the worst pain you ever felt in your
life. Yeah, giving up on your morals it makes you wonder, like
and your principles. Yeah, that's pretty shitty. They believe in nothing,
so they fall for. How much pain do you have to be in to
pass out from pain? It depends on the person, I imagine, but
they what they I guarantee what they do is they're like, all right,
just passed out, Get a bucket of water, give it, give it,
take five, everybody, take a breather. And you're getting tired from
torture. Yeah, it's all take a break downs with water, turn it
back on and we'll go again. Yeah, back to one fucking nightmare.
Just wake up cold and like your your pass up from the worst pain you've
ever experienced. You wake up. Now you're just wet and cold, still
in pain, more pain, more pains coming. Honestly, that fucking I
don't know if he's my hitler, but that beer crack whatever his name,
Vikender Vallecander, he just cracked me up. He just with like a vulcandorf,
just like no man. I swear to god it was witches. Stan
Marsh, Randy Marsh move if I've ever heard. Yeah, and that'll wrap
up Halloween whr nights. We had a good time. We did. Uh.
I think the set's gonna remain though, it like this because it's just
skeletons and cobwebs. Very historic. It is. History is a letter of
bones dragons. Are we bringing it back? Dragons? Well, I am
in the dragon. Oh that's right. I'm the French bulldog and the Boston
Terrier who does some dogs different things for this set, but are weird to
me. I'm okay with it. I like it as is. We can
we can fudge around with it whatever. But yeah, for Damna Chester and
Jake Goldman, I am Rob Fox. You just gotta saw served