WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.600 --> 00:00:22.679 I'm sorrygies. What's up? Positive bitches? How are we doing today? 2 00:00:23.039 --> 00:00:26.960 If you're hearing this episode, you are meant to be here, So keep 3 00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:33.640 listening on that Bitch's Positive Podcast. Sometimes we will laugh. Othertimes, Baby 4 00:00:33.719 --> 00:00:38.240 Girl, we're gonna cry, but we will always walk away a feeling our 5 00:00:38.399 --> 00:00:43.840 most empowered positive bitch self. That is Baby in true connection with herself. 6 00:00:44.399 --> 00:00:48.000 On this podcast, we simply unbecome who we are not, so we can 7 00:00:48.039 --> 00:00:53.039 fully step into exactly who we incarnated here too be Can I get a name? 8 00:00:53.920 --> 00:00:59.359 Hey man? Today I'm giving you my very own positive Bitch Boundaries Bible. 9 00:00:59.719 --> 00:01:03.960 Okay, We're gonna learn how to make boundaries. We're gonna learn how 10 00:01:03.000 --> 00:01:08.799 to keep boundaries. We're gonna chit chat about which boundaries to use and when, 11 00:01:10.359 --> 00:01:15.120 whether it's a coworker or anax, we are not going to leave anything 12 00:01:15.319 --> 00:01:21.599 out. Let me just tell you, as a recovering codependent, I have 13 00:01:21.719 --> 00:01:26.120 become a dangerous woman now that I've learned my own power. And there's truly 14 00:01:26.159 --> 00:01:30.560 nothing more dangerous than a woman who discovers her own power. Actually, now 15 00:01:30.599 --> 00:01:33.840 that I think about it, the only thing more dangerous than a woman who 16 00:01:33.840 --> 00:01:37.879 has discovered her own power is a woman who has discovered her own power and 17 00:01:37.959 --> 00:01:42.799 is now helping other women to discover their power, and not exactly that is 18 00:01:42.920 --> 00:01:46.959 exactly what we are doing in the Positive Bitch Realm. Hello, Hello, 19 00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:51.000 Hello, So let's welcome ourselves to this podcast. Let's welcome ourselves to this 20 00:01:51.079 --> 00:01:55.799 beautiful moment, which is just another invitation for us to take back our power. 21 00:01:56.159 --> 00:02:00.799 Let's take a deep breath in through our nose and breathe it out through 22 00:02:00.840 --> 00:02:07.519 our mouths. Oh yeah, doesn't that feel good? There's nowhere else you 23 00:02:07.560 --> 00:02:09.280 need to be right now. There's nothing else you need to be doing. 24 00:02:09.680 --> 00:02:15.159 We are here in this moment because this moment has purpose for us. Before 25 00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:17.759 we get into it, a couple of announcements. If you're not yet following 26 00:02:17.800 --> 00:02:22.800 me on Instagram at vibe in with CC and at that Bitch is Positive, 27 00:02:23.080 --> 00:02:25.560 be sure to follow me there so you can suggest what topics we talk about 28 00:02:25.639 --> 00:02:30.039 on this podcast. I put up a prompt this week, what questions do 29 00:02:30.039 --> 00:02:32.400 you have about boundaries? And I picked a bunch of them to talk about 30 00:02:32.439 --> 00:02:37.439 today. You'll also get daily tips and tricks on how to align with your 31 00:02:37.479 --> 00:02:42.360 most magnetic timeline if you're looking to become a positive bitch, join the Pedestal 32 00:02:42.439 --> 00:02:45.759 Path course. All the links will be in the show notes below. If 33 00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:47.759 you're going through a breakup, the twenty one day break Up Globe Challenge, 34 00:02:47.879 --> 00:02:52.439 Girl a Girl is for you. It will help you take back your power, 35 00:02:52.520 --> 00:02:55.599 refocus on you, and hello glow up. If you want to understand 36 00:02:55.599 --> 00:02:59.919 the subtle energies when dating, you can get the Calling your Power Back workbook 37 00:03:00.080 --> 00:03:02.319 now. And if you're interested in healing your divine feminine energy, I have 38 00:03:02.360 --> 00:03:07.560 a workbook for that too. Without further ado, let's get into today's episode 39 00:03:08.439 --> 00:03:13.520 now. I have much much to say because, like I said, I 40 00:03:13.560 --> 00:03:19.879 went from a people pleasing, codependent, anxious attachment woman to a woman who 41 00:03:19.960 --> 00:03:23.120 understands her own fucking power. And as a woman who's been codependent and as 42 00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:25.479 a woman who understands her own power, let me just say, I'd rather 43 00:03:25.560 --> 00:03:30.919 be a woman who understands my own power. I rather be where I am 44 00:03:30.039 --> 00:03:34.960 right now. So if you're on that shaky bridge of kind of codependent, 45 00:03:35.240 --> 00:03:39.000 kind of independent, let me be the hand to reach out to you to 46 00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:44.240 bring you across the bridge. Baby girl, Let's talk about boundaries now. 47 00:03:44.240 --> 00:03:47.759 There is a huge misconception about boundaries, and I cannot go on one more 48 00:03:47.840 --> 00:03:53.680 second without addressing this. We think I'm gonna set a boundary and I'm gonna 49 00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:57.960 feel wonderful. I'm gonna set a boundary with my mom and I'm gonna feel 50 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:00.199 great. I'm gonna set this boundary with my boyfriend and I'm gonna feel so 51 00:04:00.240 --> 00:04:03.840 good in the moment. Okay, yes, okay, No, who the 52 00:04:03.879 --> 00:04:10.719 fuck told you that? Who told you that? Listen? Boundaries don't feel 53 00:04:10.800 --> 00:04:15.039 good at first. They don't. They're very uncomfortable to set at first. 54 00:04:15.759 --> 00:04:20.680 We have fear around setting boundaries. We're not used to setting boundaries, and 55 00:04:20.759 --> 00:04:26.040 it feels really uncomfortable. And when we set a boundary. I have to 56 00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:30.879 set boundaries with my mother because she will go into these rants out of nowhere. 57 00:04:30.920 --> 00:04:34.000 And I love her, she's my bff. But she will go into 58 00:04:34.079 --> 00:04:39.360 these rants about random people I don't know, and they'll be the most oppressing 59 00:04:39.399 --> 00:04:43.680 stories I've ever heard in my life. My mom is a very loud Italian. 60 00:04:44.600 --> 00:04:47.240 She loves to talk, she loves to chit chat. But this woman, 61 00:04:48.199 --> 00:04:51.120 this one, she forgets everything. But somehow, if someone tells her 62 00:04:51.199 --> 00:04:56.600 a horrific life story, She'll remember every detail. She will go into these 63 00:04:56.959 --> 00:05:01.560 soliloquies of her just describing every terrible thing that's ever happened to someone. And 64 00:05:01.600 --> 00:05:05.000 I'm like, Mom, we need a conversation boundary here. I can't. 65 00:05:05.079 --> 00:05:09.040 I can't listen to it right now because you're filling up my airspace and I 66 00:05:09.120 --> 00:05:12.959 feel like I cannot breathe, and we need to take it back twenty thousand 67 00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:16.600 notches. Okay, thank you sitting boundaries with my mom. At first, 68 00:05:16.639 --> 00:05:19.759 I felt so bad. I was like, Oh, I feel like she 69 00:05:19.800 --> 00:05:24.199 needs to vent. I feel like she just wants to tell someone this story. 70 00:05:24.240 --> 00:05:27.279 And I'm literally right here and I'm that person, and I'm her best 71 00:05:27.279 --> 00:05:30.600 friend. I should listen to it. Know the fuck I shouldn't. It 72 00:05:30.639 --> 00:05:32.680 was bringing down my vibration. It was making me feel like shit, and 73 00:05:32.720 --> 00:05:36.439 I had to have all these stories of people I don't know for no fucking 74 00:05:36.480 --> 00:05:41.319 reason. If you need to tell people sob stories every day of your life, 75 00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:44.959 find a therapist. I'm your daughter. Learn the difference. Now. 76 00:05:45.040 --> 00:05:47.639 I didn't say it like that to her, but for the purposes of this 77 00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:50.680 podcast, this is my fucking space. I get to say what I want. 78 00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:55.160 Hello. It didn't feel good at first. Moral of the story here, 79 00:05:55.240 --> 00:05:58.079 It did not feel good at first because I felt bad. And I've 80 00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:02.600 always been that person or my mom that would just sit and listen and I 81 00:06:02.639 --> 00:06:06.519 can't. I can't. It doesn't make me feel good. Now. This 82 00:06:06.560 --> 00:06:11.240 doesn't mean anytime she speaks, I'm like, you cannot speak to me. 83 00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:15.680 I am your queen. It's not that. It's sometimes there are certain stories 84 00:06:15.680 --> 00:06:18.000 that I'm like, Mom, I just I can't handle it right now. 85 00:06:18.040 --> 00:06:20.240 I have a lot on my mind. I can't handle it right now. 86 00:06:20.800 --> 00:06:25.800 It didn't feel good at first, though. Why does setting boundaries not feel 87 00:06:25.800 --> 00:06:32.279 good at first? Well? Hello, Our ego loves familiarity, and when 88 00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:36.279 we start anything new, it never feels good at first. We're like, 89 00:06:36.399 --> 00:06:40.480 oh, should I do it? Should I not? I took out my 90 00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:43.720 yoga bag and it just stared at me for a whole month before I even 91 00:06:43.759 --> 00:06:49.120 went to yoga. Our ego loves familiarity because it thinks it thinks it does 92 00:06:49.160 --> 00:06:54.439 not know, our intuition knows, our soul knows. Our ego thinks that 93 00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:59.319 if it can predict what is to come, it can therefore keep us safe. 94 00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:02.839 Our ego rather staying in an abusive relationship because at least it can predict 95 00:07:02.879 --> 00:07:06.360 it, rather than be in a healthy relationship where it doesn't know how to 96 00:07:06.399 --> 00:07:14.120 predict what may unfold. Our ego thinks it's protecting us by quote unquote keeping 97 00:07:14.240 --> 00:07:17.240 us safe, But really what it's doing is keeping us in our comfort zone. 98 00:07:17.560 --> 00:07:20.680 That doesn't mean it's keeping us safe, that doesn't mean it's good for 99 00:07:20.759 --> 00:07:25.800 us. It's keeping us stuck. So when you're going to set a boundary, 100 00:07:25.839 --> 00:07:28.519 the first thing I want you to understand is, yeah, it's not 101 00:07:28.560 --> 00:07:31.600 always going to feel comfortable, and it may feel a little icky, sticky. 102 00:07:31.720 --> 00:07:36.399 There's gonna be that voice in your head that says, don't set the 103 00:07:36.399 --> 00:07:42.959 boundary, don't do it. It's like this little It's almost like I think 104 00:07:43.000 --> 00:07:46.560 about myself as a queen, and then I think about the little jokester who 105 00:07:46.560 --> 00:07:50.240 would come to me in my queendom and be trying to tell me jokes, 106 00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:54.759 and like it's like, no, no, stop it, stop it. 107 00:07:55.439 --> 00:07:58.800 That voice is going to be there. You don't need to listen to that 108 00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:03.199 voice. So, yes, there is a misconception that when we set a 109 00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:09.759 boundary, it's going to feel good. We have a problem in general society 110 00:08:09.879 --> 00:08:16.519 where we want this instant gratification. Boundaries are not something that's going to give 111 00:08:16.519 --> 00:08:18.879 you instant gratification, but they will help you over time, glow from the 112 00:08:18.959 --> 00:08:24.560 inside out. They will help you heal, They will help you put the 113 00:08:24.560 --> 00:08:28.040 pieces of yourself back together. They will allow you to get connected with yourself 114 00:08:28.040 --> 00:08:31.440 and raise your vibration and elevate your life and all of your relationships. But 115 00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:35.320 they take time. They take time to create, set, and keep, 116 00:08:35.759 --> 00:08:39.720 They take time to work. They take time for you to see the actual 117 00:08:39.799 --> 00:08:43.960 results. It may take time just to get the courage to set this boundary, 118 00:08:43.000 --> 00:08:48.799 and then there's that awkward phase where you have to see if it's working 119 00:08:48.879 --> 00:08:50.159 or not. You have to see can I keep this person in my life 120 00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:54.960 or not? Are they going to continue to try to across my boundary? 121 00:08:54.080 --> 00:08:56.919 Maybe I need to set it again. Is it clear? So yes, 122 00:08:58.440 --> 00:09:01.799 there's going to be an icky, sticky season when you're setting boundaries, but 123 00:09:01.919 --> 00:09:07.679 this isn't going to last. It's a phase. So we'll honor the phase 124 00:09:07.720 --> 00:09:11.679 of the icky sticky season, but all while knowing these boundaries are here to 125 00:09:11.799 --> 00:09:16.679 actually save us and our relationships. Because when we don't have boundaries, we 126 00:09:16.759 --> 00:09:20.159 think, oh, I'll just let him step all over me, and that's 127 00:09:20.200 --> 00:09:22.720 going to keep the relationship going. No, bitch, you're gonna start to 128 00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:26.679 erode from the inside out. You're gonna start to have resentment for that dude. 129 00:09:26.840 --> 00:09:31.720 You're going to start to fucking hate him and have zero confidence in yourself. 130 00:09:33.039 --> 00:09:35.840 So unless that sounds good to you, we need to rewrite the story 131 00:09:35.919 --> 00:09:43.120 here. The second point I want to bring to your attention, boundaries are 132 00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:52.159 sometimes tricky to create because you have to unlearn your identity that doesn't know how 133 00:09:52.200 --> 00:09:54.519 to have any boundaries at all. And this has a lot to do with 134 00:09:54.519 --> 00:10:00.639 your self concept. If you're having trouble with your self concept, literally have 135 00:10:00.840 --> 00:10:03.639 a package. It's a five week package, one on one where I will 136 00:10:03.639 --> 00:10:09.759 help you establish a new self concept, unlearn your old self concept, and 137 00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:15.200 completely physically, psychologically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually clean the slate for you 138 00:10:15.279 --> 00:10:16.960 so you can align with the new timeline. If you're interested, you can 139 00:10:18.039 --> 00:10:22.519 DM me on Instagram at bibulancy Seats, one of my favorite packages. Oh 140 00:10:22.519 --> 00:10:26.919 and by the way, I have one more opening in my Magnetic Mastery package. 141 00:10:26.080 --> 00:10:30.759 It's really a program if anyone's interested. That one is twelve weeks one 142 00:10:30.799 --> 00:10:33.679 on one, and it's a package specifically tailored to you and all of your 143 00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:39.720 needs. Anyway, if you have learned your whole entire life that anytime you 144 00:10:39.799 --> 00:10:43.519 set a boundary, you got yelled at, someone got angry at you, 145 00:10:43.919 --> 00:10:48.960 it caused confrontation, people turned away from you. Of course you're not gonna 146 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:52.519 want to set boundaries. Of Course you're going to have fear around setting boundaries. 147 00:10:52.559 --> 00:10:56.120 Of Course they're going to be uncomfortable every time you want to say, 148 00:10:56.159 --> 00:10:58.840 hey, that's my toy, you can't steal it from me. Hey, 149 00:10:58.000 --> 00:11:01.320 mom, I really don't want to yelled at and punched in the face. 150 00:11:01.440 --> 00:11:05.039 Okay, that is really extreme, but that's just what came to my head. 151 00:11:07.039 --> 00:11:09.519 If every time you try to set a boundary, you got yelled at, 152 00:11:11.720 --> 00:11:15.320 they turn their back on you, you got the silent treatment. Of 153 00:11:15.360 --> 00:11:20.039 course, you're not going to like to set boundaries because you've learned that boundaries 154 00:11:20.480 --> 00:11:24.720 lead to social exclusion, and as social beings, the number one thing we 155 00:11:24.759 --> 00:11:30.840 don't want to happen is rejection. Because in tribal times, when we were 156 00:11:30.919 --> 00:11:33.360 rejected from our tribe and we had to go off on our own, we 157 00:11:33.399 --> 00:11:37.960 couldn't hunt fish know which berries were poisonous and which berries were not poisonous. 158 00:11:39.240 --> 00:11:46.720 Build our own hut, know all of the trails, understand the lay of 159 00:11:46.799 --> 00:11:52.159 the land, make clothing all by ourselves. That's why our ancestors lived in 160 00:11:52.200 --> 00:11:56.799 these communities, because they needed to rely on one another to fulfill different needs 161 00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:03.480 to survive. Soual inclusion is really a biological need that we have in our 162 00:12:03.519 --> 00:12:09.399 bodies. When we think we're going to be excluded, we learn real quick, 163 00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:13.759 Okay, I'm never going to do that again. If we learn that 164 00:12:13.879 --> 00:12:20.919 setting boundaries has always led to social exclusion, we're never going to be We're 165 00:12:20.960 --> 00:12:24.799 never going to be doing those behaviors ever again. We're gonna say no, 166 00:12:24.879 --> 00:12:31.559 not for me, I need to be socially included. Goodbye. Understand there's 167 00:12:31.600 --> 00:12:33.759 not something wrong with you. You're not faulty, you're not fucked up, 168 00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:39.200 and you're not broken. You've learned a certain self concept. You learned a 169 00:12:39.240 --> 00:12:43.799 way to connect to others. And the way you learned is I can't set 170 00:12:43.840 --> 00:12:46.440 boundaries if I want to be included. I can't set boundaries if I'm going 171 00:12:46.519 --> 00:12:50.399 to be liked. That's a fucking lie. It may have been what you've 172 00:12:50.480 --> 00:12:56.759 learned until you manifested relationships on that concept and on that belief. But it's 173 00:12:56.799 --> 00:13:01.279 a fucking lie. I have many relationships and they're all founded on boundaries, 174 00:13:01.480 --> 00:13:09.919 including my relationship with my partner and my mother. It's going to feel icky, 175 00:13:09.960 --> 00:13:15.559 sticky season, and that's okay. You wouldn't think a kid learning how 176 00:13:15.559 --> 00:13:18.840 to ride a bike was a dummy, would you, Because that's kind of 177 00:13:18.840 --> 00:13:22.000 fucked up. So don't think of yourself as this dummy, broken down, 178 00:13:22.039 --> 00:13:26.720 worthless piece of ship. No, No, that's that jokester voice again. 179 00:13:30.679 --> 00:13:35.360 No, No, you're learning a new way of being. It's going to 180 00:13:35.360 --> 00:13:39.879 take time. So this is your come to Jesus moment where you understand and 181 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:43.559 learn that you need to have fucking compassion for yourself if you want to get 182 00:13:43.600 --> 00:13:48.279 this ship on a roll. I was gonna say, I don't know. 183 00:13:48.480 --> 00:13:50.240 If you want to get this ship moving and grooven, you gotta have some 184 00:13:50.279 --> 00:13:54.919 compassion for yourself, because yes, it doesn't always happen overnight. Yes it 185 00:13:54.960 --> 00:13:58.799 does take time. You've been this one way for so long and now you 186 00:13:58.840 --> 00:14:01.559 have to learn a new way of being. Hello, It's obviously going to 187 00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:09.600 take some time, So have compassion for yourself now. One of the questions 188 00:14:09.639 --> 00:14:16.480 from you beautiful positive bitches on Instagram was how do you draw boundaries without fear 189 00:14:16.679 --> 00:14:22.519 of losing someone and keeping faith they will stay. This really touches on something 190 00:14:22.559 --> 00:14:28.399 we talked about last week. Forget about princess treatment and get queen treatment instead. 191 00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:31.159 So if you haven't listened to that, definitely go listen because it's really 192 00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:35.720 going to help you gain the confidence you need to set boundaries. But if 193 00:14:35.799 --> 00:14:41.679 you have to betray yourself in order for someone to stay in your life, 194 00:14:41.240 --> 00:14:50.320 to put it, simply, fuck them and run. I do I need 195 00:14:50.360 --> 00:14:58.440 to explain that if you have to consistently throw yourself off the pedestal and put 196 00:14:58.519 --> 00:15:03.879 someone else pam there so they stay in your life, fuck them and run. 197 00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:09.519 What are you talking about? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Did you 198 00:15:09.639 --> 00:15:13.120 come all the way to planet Earth and incarnate so you can be someone's slave? 199 00:15:13.559 --> 00:15:18.240 They're energetic slave? Oh? Oh, is that what you came here 200 00:15:18.279 --> 00:15:20.840 to do? No, let's snap out of it. What the fuck are 201 00:15:20.840 --> 00:15:24.879 we doing? What the fuck are we doing? That doesn't make any sense, 202 00:15:24.480 --> 00:15:28.840 That doesn't make anyone. First of all, here's the other thing. 203 00:15:30.200 --> 00:15:33.879 You can't make someone stay if someone wants to leave, news flash, they're 204 00:15:33.919 --> 00:15:39.759 gonna fucking leave. They're going to And why would you want someone who wants 205 00:15:39.799 --> 00:15:43.519 to leave set? Why would you want someone like that to stay in your 206 00:15:43.559 --> 00:15:48.320 life? Someone who can't see your worth and can't respect you, you would 207 00:15:48.320 --> 00:15:52.159 a turn off. That's how I'm seeing it. Why are you seeing it 208 00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:58.679 the same way? And I know what I'm saying right now sounds a little 209 00:15:58.759 --> 00:16:03.039 rough. We know I'm from New York, so just bear with me. 210 00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:08.399 But also I give you tough love because sometimes we need someone to shake us 211 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:11.879 the fuck up. And sometimes our friends are gonna be like Casey, it's 212 00:16:11.919 --> 00:16:15.720 okay, Like you know, maybe he didn't mean it, Casey fucked that 213 00:16:15.799 --> 00:16:19.559 dude and run okay, or whoever it is. I don't care who it 214 00:16:19.600 --> 00:16:23.960 is. I'm gonna be that tough love center for you because we need to 215 00:16:23.960 --> 00:16:27.399 wake the fuck up. We need to wake up to our own power and 216 00:16:27.480 --> 00:16:32.759 stop being energetic slaves to people who frankly kind of fucking suck. I don't 217 00:16:32.799 --> 00:16:36.840 know if you guys are noticing that, but I have. If you have 218 00:16:36.919 --> 00:16:42.039 to betray yourself for them, we're on. We're on. I don't know 219 00:16:42.080 --> 00:16:48.120 if you know this, But there's like eight billion people on the planet. 220 00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:56.360 I can assure you there's someone at least one, probably many, that can 221 00:16:56.600 --> 00:17:03.680 be with you and won't require you to tray yourself for them. You have 222 00:17:03.799 --> 00:17:08.359 to draw these boundaries. Let go and let God, let go and let 223 00:17:08.400 --> 00:17:12.920 flow. If they want to leave your life, let them. If they 224 00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:17.559 want to stay, let them. When we're so much in our masculine energy 225 00:17:17.599 --> 00:17:22.359 trying don't undrawl everything, we can't even see what God has in store for 226 00:17:22.480 --> 00:17:26.079 us because we're trying so hard to draw out our own map, and now 227 00:17:26.119 --> 00:17:30.279 we're ceiling is God's floor? Why limit yourself? What if there's someone a 228 00:17:30.279 --> 00:17:36.559 billion times better? Why limit yourself? If they want to go, let 229 00:17:36.599 --> 00:17:40.440 them go. Because let me tell you something. Here's a tale. When 230 00:17:40.599 --> 00:17:45.559 I initiated a break with my partner, and at first he didn't want to 231 00:17:45.599 --> 00:17:48.039 do it, and then eventually he wanted to leave because we just got so 232 00:17:48.160 --> 00:17:52.640 unhealthy for one another. I remember I was like trying to snapchat him, 233 00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:56.160 I was trying to text him. I had my mother and my father in 234 00:17:56.160 --> 00:18:02.119 the room on the phone with him with me yep yep in the den, 235 00:18:02.759 --> 00:18:04.559 and I was hysterically crying and I was trying to get my mom to convince 236 00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:08.799 him, like, what's going on? Are you sure if you leave now 237 00:18:08.839 --> 00:18:15.559 you could lose her forever. I tried everything. I got him into therapy. 238 00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:19.480 Okay, none of those things allowed him to stay in my life. 239 00:18:19.880 --> 00:18:22.640 I begged him, my mom talked to him, and my dad probably talked 240 00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:32.240 to him too. Probably there's nothing you can do, because why frequency overforce. 241 00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:37.799 You cannot force someone to stay in your life, and honestly, frankly, 242 00:18:37.880 --> 00:18:41.799 why the fuck would you want to Trying to force someone to stay in 243 00:18:41.839 --> 00:18:45.119 your life is just walking someone better Anyway, We're getting away from the point 244 00:18:45.119 --> 00:18:52.039 of this podcast. So if you have fear around creating boundaries, that's fine. 245 00:18:52.119 --> 00:18:56.480 That's expected because you're learning a new self. You're unlearning who you had 246 00:18:56.519 --> 00:19:00.920 to be in order to survive, and now you're learning who you actually gore 247 00:19:00.920 --> 00:19:04.920 and releasing all the other bullshit. It's a new behavior. We're not going 248 00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:10.880 to get instant gratification. Expect there to be an uncomfortable feeling when you're setting 249 00:19:10.880 --> 00:19:15.640 boundaries. That's fine. That feeling will fade as you practice. Feelings are 250 00:19:15.640 --> 00:19:21.119 not final, they will flow out. Let them be taken to account. 251 00:19:21.119 --> 00:19:25.640 The feeling understanding what we've already talked about, and we're gonna one in doubt, 252 00:19:25.920 --> 00:19:30.000 keep going okay when in doubt, we're gonna do it anyway. So 253 00:19:30.240 --> 00:19:33.200 we're going to start with our own mind, our own imagination, our own 254 00:19:33.240 --> 00:19:37.319 self talk, and we're going to start priming ourselves to set boundaries. This 255 00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:41.720 doesn't have to happen overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day. Before you 256 00:19:41.759 --> 00:19:44.640 put on your makeup, what do you do, you prime in your face. 257 00:19:44.680 --> 00:19:48.359 So we're going to do the same thing with our mind before setting boundaries. 258 00:19:48.759 --> 00:19:52.920 So we're going to start with affirmations. That's it. Post them on 259 00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:56.839 your wall, on your mirror. Every day. You need to be saying 260 00:19:56.880 --> 00:20:03.759 this. It's safe for me to create and uphold my own boundaries. I'll 261 00:20:03.799 --> 00:20:12.000 say it again, it's safe for me to create and uphold my own boundaries. 262 00:20:12.599 --> 00:20:19.559 That's one. Number Two. It's safe for me to create a new 263 00:20:19.640 --> 00:20:26.559 life with new rules. I'll say it again, it's safe for me to 264 00:20:26.559 --> 00:20:33.599 create a new life. What new rules? And the third one is I'm 265 00:20:33.680 --> 00:20:44.400 allowed to protect myself. I'm allowed to protect myself. Right now, we're 266 00:20:44.480 --> 00:20:48.000 just in the stage of priming ourselves. We're getting used to the idea of 267 00:20:48.160 --> 00:20:56.480 setting boundaries. There is this phase of contemplation when we're making a decision to 268 00:20:56.519 --> 00:21:00.519 try a new behavior, and if you've been contemplating should I said the boundary? 269 00:21:00.559 --> 00:21:03.359 Should I not? This is going to help you come to your decision 270 00:21:03.400 --> 00:21:07.119 of setting the fucking boundary, because if you're questioning it, you need it. 271 00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:11.240 Okay. Another question was how do I get rid of the fear of 272 00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:15.480 setting boundaries? So okay, One thing is we prime with the affirmation. 273 00:21:17.079 --> 00:21:22.039 Another way to prime is to when you're setting a boundary, don't visualize yourself 274 00:21:22.079 --> 00:21:26.440 that you're setting the boundary for. Visualize your inner child, because guess the 275 00:21:26.480 --> 00:21:30.000 fuck what that is who you're actually standing up for and setting the boundary for 276 00:21:30.680 --> 00:21:33.640 When you are growing up, No one was protecting you in that way. 277 00:21:33.720 --> 00:21:37.319 No one was setting the boundary for you in that way. Your inner child 278 00:21:37.480 --> 00:21:42.240 lives on within you. Who gets protect your inner child now? But you? 279 00:21:42.240 --> 00:21:47.400 You, You are the person you've been waiting for to save you. 280 00:21:48.400 --> 00:21:56.160 We physically age every single birthday, but emotionally energetically, we really don't unless 281 00:21:56.160 --> 00:21:59.720 we're doing the work That five year old self who wasn't allowed to have any 282 00:21:59.759 --> 00:22:03.680 boundaries she's still within you. So instead of thinking, oh, I have 283 00:22:03.720 --> 00:22:08.119 to stand up for myself, think of her. You're standing up for her. 284 00:22:08.720 --> 00:22:11.680 Not only will that help you set the boundary, because we're more likely 285 00:22:11.759 --> 00:22:17.240 to stand up for someone else than we are ourselves, but also it's going 286 00:22:17.319 --> 00:22:21.079 to give you a visualization tactic. It's going to hit on your emotional hard 287 00:22:21.160 --> 00:22:25.359 strings, and it's going to give you that motivation. It's going to push 288 00:22:25.359 --> 00:22:29.160 you towards making that boundary. It's going to give you the confidence to do 289 00:22:29.279 --> 00:22:34.799 so. Another tool to help you create boundaries is start with low stake relationships. 290 00:22:36.160 --> 00:22:41.119 So I used to hate when I would go to the nail salon and 291 00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:44.880 the nail tech was doing my nails and it was just like terrible. I 292 00:22:44.880 --> 00:22:48.160 would feel so bad saying anything. I would hate it and still tip like 293 00:22:48.240 --> 00:22:53.680 a million bajillion because I was just like, nah, whatever. Now I 294 00:22:53.720 --> 00:22:57.440 can stand up for my own fingers when I don't like what's going on. 295 00:22:57.799 --> 00:23:03.519 I recently went to the nail salon and I had a stick up for my 296 00:23:03.599 --> 00:23:07.039 nails because oh no, I was looking all types are crazy. I showed 297 00:23:07.160 --> 00:23:11.119 the nail tech, who I absolutely love, an a door. She's amazing. 298 00:23:11.960 --> 00:23:15.440 I showed her a photo and the photo had oval nails. I have 299 00:23:15.519 --> 00:23:18.599 square nails, though, but I just assumed even though it's oval, because 300 00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:22.359 I said, I know this is oval, I have square, but can 301 00:23:22.400 --> 00:23:26.440 we just take the design and do it on my square nail? She's like, 302 00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:30.160 of course, so she starts doing it, but she starts painting the 303 00:23:30.240 --> 00:23:34.839 French nail part like circular on my nail, as if I had oval nails, 304 00:23:34.880 --> 00:23:38.240 but I don't have square, so it looked very odd, and I 305 00:23:38.400 --> 00:23:41.200 very politely just said, oh, you know how this is oval? Can 306 00:23:41.240 --> 00:23:45.039 you just make it a line, just like a French on a square nail 307 00:23:45.079 --> 00:23:48.599 instead of the oval. Sometimes someone just doesn't understand what you mean, and 308 00:23:48.640 --> 00:23:53.599 you just need to clarify. Did anyone die for me sticking up for myself 309 00:23:53.640 --> 00:23:57.480 about my nails? No? Did anyone cry? No? Did an earthquake 310 00:23:57.519 --> 00:24:00.720 happen? No? Sometimes you just need to ask yourself, like, what 311 00:24:00.920 --> 00:24:03.599 is my biggest fear that's going to happen? If I just stick up for 312 00:24:03.680 --> 00:24:10.119 myself, they could say no, fuck it, let them let them say 313 00:24:10.160 --> 00:24:14.440 no, what's really going to happen? If I just stick up for myself 314 00:24:14.440 --> 00:24:18.599 and say, you know what staccy. My hair looks not blond but literally 315 00:24:18.759 --> 00:24:23.960 orange? Right now? Can you just can you just put some more something 316 00:24:25.039 --> 00:24:27.839 in a girl? Because this is not working for me? What's the worst 317 00:24:27.880 --> 00:24:32.039 that can happen? Sometimes you just need to write down all of your fears 318 00:24:32.039 --> 00:24:33.839 and look at them and be like, Okay, none of these things are 319 00:24:33.880 --> 00:24:37.759 actually going to happen, and if they did, I can handle them. 320 00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:42.400 I used to think, if we break up, what's the worst that can 321 00:24:42.440 --> 00:24:49.319 happen? I'll be single? Oh okay, and I'm not gonna die. 322 00:24:51.480 --> 00:24:56.519 I'm not gonna be rejected from all walks of life. I'll just be single. 323 00:24:59.160 --> 00:25:03.680 Sometimes we need need to actually have a collegious conversation with ourselves and ask 324 00:25:03.680 --> 00:25:08.559 ourselves, what am I so much fearing? You have to speak up for 325 00:25:08.640 --> 00:25:15.519 yourself. You have to have boundaries with other people. Why because it feels 326 00:25:15.519 --> 00:25:19.279 so much better, because it's you standing in your power. Because if you 327 00:25:19.279 --> 00:25:22.920 don't set boundaries for yourself, who will. So when I was speaking up 328 00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:27.640 for my nails, could you say that's a boundary? It is a boundary 329 00:25:27.720 --> 00:25:32.720 for me because I have a boundary that if someone is doing something to me 330 00:25:32.799 --> 00:25:36.640 and I don't like it, I can't just let that be. That's a 331 00:25:36.720 --> 00:25:41.680 self boundary have And a lot of our boundaries aren't really with other people. 332 00:25:41.759 --> 00:25:45.400 They're actually with ourselves, but they require us to communicate with that person. 333 00:25:45.720 --> 00:25:53.519 And that's the part we seem to clam up around the next question, how 334 00:25:53.559 --> 00:26:02.720 to kindly tenderly tell a man, or a job offer or a friend that 335 00:26:02.839 --> 00:26:06.799 they're not for me. I think a lot of us think, again, 336 00:26:06.880 --> 00:26:08.359 this is a self boundary, like, oh, I don't want this person 337 00:26:08.480 --> 00:26:11.440 with me, this is something I don't want for me. It's a self 338 00:26:11.480 --> 00:26:17.839 boundary, but it requires communication. I think, especially as woman, we 339 00:26:18.119 --> 00:26:22.319 like tiptoe around. Oh I don't want to say I'm not interested, so 340 00:26:22.440 --> 00:26:25.599 let me just say this, But then we never clearly get our point across 341 00:26:25.720 --> 00:26:29.839 and someone might still be confused. It's so funny. I was watching this 342 00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:33.640 video on YouTube from the Cut or Jubilee or like one of those, and 343 00:26:33.359 --> 00:26:38.480 they and the girls had to rate themselves in order who was the most attractive 344 00:26:38.519 --> 00:26:42.079 and who was like the least attractive, and guys have had to do it 345 00:26:42.119 --> 00:26:45.160 too. The guys were so much more upfront, and the girls are all 346 00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:51.119 trying to compliment one another, Like me, no I'm disgusting. I am 347 00:26:51.200 --> 00:26:55.079 literally feral. You're beautiful. They'll let me go last. And it's just 348 00:26:55.119 --> 00:26:59.160 so funny to see how women communicate versus men who are like, now, 349 00:26:59.160 --> 00:27:00.720 I'm hotter than you get, but behind me. It was just funny. 350 00:27:02.279 --> 00:27:07.440 Men tend to be more direct. They do. We think a lot of 351 00:27:07.440 --> 00:27:10.960 the time, well, let me just sugarcoat this to the heavens so that 352 00:27:11.039 --> 00:27:15.519 I don't hurt their feelings. You're actually doing more harm than good when you 353 00:27:15.559 --> 00:27:18.319 do that. Being passive, aggressive, or trying to sugarcoat something to the 354 00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:22.480 heavens does more harm than good because it leaves people confused, and then they 355 00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:25.519 still think they have a chance, and they waste more time, and you 356 00:27:25.559 --> 00:27:29.799 waste more time. What's going to help them the most is if you are 357 00:27:29.960 --> 00:27:33.279 just direct. Let's say someone's interested in us and we're not interested back. 358 00:27:34.119 --> 00:27:40.839 Oh my god, thank you. I am so flattered, but I'm just 359 00:27:40.920 --> 00:27:42.799 not interested in you. And I don't want to waste your time. Because 360 00:27:42.839 --> 00:27:48.240 you are such a great catch, so many people will be into you. 361 00:27:48.240 --> 00:27:52.519 You deserve to go after those people. You deserve to go get those opportunities 362 00:27:52.640 --> 00:27:57.839 right now, right here. That's it. I'm just not interested. So 363 00:27:57.920 --> 00:28:03.079 many other people will be Sayanora, that's it. I don't want to waste 364 00:28:03.079 --> 00:28:06.240 your time. You don't want to be like fuck you. No, you 365 00:28:06.279 --> 00:28:08.559 can just be like I'm not interested. I don't want to waste your time. 366 00:28:10.480 --> 00:28:15.519 Good luck. That's it. That's it. Honestly, think about how 367 00:28:15.519 --> 00:28:17.880 men talk to one another. They're like fuck you, fuck you, Okay, 368 00:28:17.880 --> 00:28:22.359 we're best friends. Just be direct. I'm not interested. I'm sure 369 00:28:22.359 --> 00:28:27.079 other people will be have at it. Now let's say it's a job offer 370 00:28:29.559 --> 00:28:33.559 again, be direct. This just isn't the right fit for me. Thank 371 00:28:33.599 --> 00:28:37.440 you so much. At work, yeah, we have to have this professional 372 00:28:37.559 --> 00:28:41.880 filter. But it doesn't mean you can't tell someone no. You can say 373 00:28:41.880 --> 00:28:44.359 no, thank you, no, not at this time. No, that's 374 00:28:44.359 --> 00:28:49.559 not suitable for me. Even with clients, those entrepreneurs that are listening to 375 00:28:49.599 --> 00:28:55.240 this right now, my Etsy girlies, my girlies who have their own business. 376 00:28:55.359 --> 00:28:57.920 Maybe it's in the service industry, like me, have your own coaching 377 00:28:57.960 --> 00:29:02.759 business. You have to have boundaries with even clients. I was having people. 378 00:29:03.079 --> 00:29:04.680 They were signing up, but then they weren't showing, and it made 379 00:29:04.680 --> 00:29:07.839 my schedule such a mess. I had to tell people, if you are 380 00:29:07.880 --> 00:29:11.400 a no show. I have to take your money because you need to learn 381 00:29:11.440 --> 00:29:15.079 that this isn't okay. If you repeatedly are a no show, it's not 382 00:29:15.119 --> 00:29:18.799 going to work for me because I bend my whole entire schedule. I put 383 00:29:18.839 --> 00:29:22.720 you in it, and if you're not going to show up, you are 384 00:29:22.799 --> 00:29:26.880 then reversing everything I just bent, and it creates such chaos. I can't 385 00:29:26.880 --> 00:29:30.279 do that with all these different people. I have people saying, can you 386 00:29:30.319 --> 00:29:34.000 just give me a discount because like blah blah blah blah, how is it 387 00:29:34.079 --> 00:29:38.920 fair Bianca? If I give you a discount and nobody else, I can't 388 00:29:38.920 --> 00:29:45.160 do that. When you have your own business, you have to be actually 389 00:29:45.240 --> 00:29:48.960 same thing in dating, you really need to know your own worth. Whether 390 00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:52.279 you're selling on your Etsy store, or you're in the service industry, or 391 00:29:52.359 --> 00:29:56.240 you're dating, you have to know your own worth and stick to it. 392 00:29:56.519 --> 00:30:03.000 These are self boundaries, and we don't break the Let's say you need to 393 00:30:03.000 --> 00:30:06.640 set a boundary with a friend or you know, anyone. It could be 394 00:30:06.680 --> 00:30:10.240 a boyfriend, a friend of mother. You want to make sure that you're 395 00:30:10.319 --> 00:30:12.480 doing it at a time that works for both of you. There was a 396 00:30:12.519 --> 00:30:22.559 study where they actually found judges in the morning gave more lenient sentences to criminals 397 00:30:22.720 --> 00:30:30.039 then during or close to lunchtime when they got hungrier. So just being a 398 00:30:30.039 --> 00:30:36.400 little bit hungrier cause judges to give more harsh sentences. When you're setting a 399 00:30:36.400 --> 00:30:38.839 boundary, you don't want to be under the influence of literally anything. You 400 00:30:38.839 --> 00:30:41.880 need to be clear, head to clear minded, clear spirited. Okay, 401 00:30:41.960 --> 00:30:45.799 you need to make sure they're not playing video games or watching a movie, 402 00:30:45.960 --> 00:30:48.519 or it's during a mat game, whatever it may be. Make sure that 403 00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:52.440 both of you have nothing else going on, you're both sober, and you 404 00:30:52.559 --> 00:30:56.720 have time. Hey, can we talk this Saturday about X, Y and 405 00:30:56.799 --> 00:31:00.759 Z. There's a couple of things that have been come up in my mind 406 00:31:00.799 --> 00:31:02.960 and I just want to flush them out with you. Make sure we're on 407 00:31:03.000 --> 00:31:06.400 the same page. Hey, something has really been bothering me. Can we 408 00:31:06.440 --> 00:31:11.559 talk about it this weekend? Maybe over launch or I don't know, after 409 00:31:11.680 --> 00:31:15.680 launch, or we can go to the park, whatever it may be. 410 00:31:15.839 --> 00:31:18.640 You want to make sure that it's the two of you. You're sitting down 411 00:31:18.680 --> 00:31:25.039 somewhere, maybe you're eating, maybe you're at a park, it doesn't matter, 412 00:31:25.160 --> 00:31:27.720 but two of you have nothing else going on and you can concentrate. 413 00:31:30.160 --> 00:31:33.359 That's going to help you. That's going to help them be more understanding, 414 00:31:33.839 --> 00:31:37.799 because if they're in the middle of I don't know, call of duty or 415 00:31:37.799 --> 00:31:40.519 something, they're not going to be like, oh yeah, I completely understand. 416 00:31:40.559 --> 00:31:41.599 They're gonna be like Stacy, I'm busy, I can't talk right now. 417 00:31:41.880 --> 00:31:45.599 So you think about it as positive. Bitches, you want to get 418 00:31:45.640 --> 00:31:48.160 everything you want and more because we don't get mad, we get everything. 419 00:31:48.400 --> 00:31:52.039 How do you get everything? You make sure you're talking to them at a 420 00:31:52.079 --> 00:31:57.079 prime time. Okay, if you're having trouble with this, I want you 421 00:31:57.160 --> 00:32:02.319 to imagine setting the boundary before you actually do it again. This is another 422 00:32:02.440 --> 00:32:07.440 primer. Your mind doesn't know if what you're telling it is real, if 423 00:32:07.440 --> 00:32:12.200 it's really happening, or if you're just telling it it's happening. So practice 424 00:32:12.240 --> 00:32:15.319 in your mind setting this boundary. What are you going to say, how 425 00:32:15.319 --> 00:32:17.640 are you going to say it? Are there certain points you need to hit 426 00:32:19.160 --> 00:32:22.119 if you need to write it out, write it out, study it, 427 00:32:22.240 --> 00:32:25.359 look at it, practice speaking it to them in your mind, and your 428 00:32:25.400 --> 00:32:30.079 mind will be primed, plumped, and ready to do it in the moment 429 00:32:31.440 --> 00:32:37.160 when you're setting a boundary. Make sure you're using self talk. This means 430 00:32:37.200 --> 00:32:42.559 we're using I me. We're not saying you do this, you never do 431 00:32:42.680 --> 00:32:46.680 that. You're saying I need this or this isn't working for me. I 432 00:32:46.759 --> 00:32:52.119 remember when I was getting back with my now boyfriend. I can't believe it, 433 00:32:52.160 --> 00:32:54.839 but it's going to be seven years or seven year anniversary this year. 434 00:32:55.079 --> 00:32:58.680 Oh my god, in a month, in a month, in a month, 435 00:32:58.680 --> 00:33:00.920 okay, anyway, I feel like I'm a teenager. How was that 436 00:33:00.920 --> 00:33:06.000 pot I feel like I'm thirteen at ninety at the same time. It's a 437 00:33:06.119 --> 00:33:10.519 very weird feeling. Any Okay, again, that's my problem, not yours. 438 00:33:12.720 --> 00:33:16.839 Anyway, as I was saying, when I was getting back together with 439 00:33:16.880 --> 00:33:22.799 my partner, I told him, because this was not he was not capable 440 00:33:22.839 --> 00:33:25.599 of doing this before when we were being unhealthy. He was just not capable 441 00:33:25.640 --> 00:33:30.720 of doing this. I said, if we get back together, something I 442 00:33:30.759 --> 00:33:34.519 need once a day is a call. Is a phone call. It makes 443 00:33:34.559 --> 00:33:38.480 me feel connected. Otherwise I literally forget people exist. It makes me feel 444 00:33:38.599 --> 00:33:44.559 seen and heard and validated, and I really just need that in a relationship. 445 00:33:45.200 --> 00:33:47.359 And I remember when I said that to him, he was like, 446 00:33:47.440 --> 00:33:53.079 absolutely, no problem. And he did it. I didn't say you weren't 447 00:33:53.079 --> 00:33:58.799 able to call me once a day before we really broke up. You weren't 448 00:33:58.839 --> 00:34:00.240 able to do this. You're not. If you don't do this, I'm 449 00:34:00.319 --> 00:34:02.480 fucking out of here. I didn't say that. I said, listen, 450 00:34:02.839 --> 00:34:09.199 if we're gonna get back together, I need this. That's it. You 451 00:34:09.519 --> 00:34:15.199 self talk. Maybe you need to set a boundary with your partner because they're 452 00:34:15.239 --> 00:34:19.880 really clinging and they're always trying to be with you, and you feel like 453 00:34:19.880 --> 00:34:22.480 you're losing yourself. So we would say something along the lines of, listen, 454 00:34:22.559 --> 00:34:28.239 Brad, I love you and you love me. I have to do 455 00:34:28.480 --> 00:34:32.599 yoga twice a week to feel like me. I have to do this because 456 00:34:32.639 --> 00:34:37.159 it makes me show up my best in this relationship. When I do things 457 00:34:37.199 --> 00:34:45.159 for me, I'm able to overflow and do things for us too. That's 458 00:34:45.199 --> 00:34:50.559 it. You can say something along the lines of let's say they're doing something 459 00:34:50.599 --> 00:34:53.239 that you really hate. In this case, you would say, this action 460 00:34:53.360 --> 00:34:57.159 doesn't make me feel safe. You're not gonna say when you do this, 461 00:34:57.440 --> 00:35:04.079 I don't like you this action. Depersonalize it. This action doesn't make me 462 00:35:04.159 --> 00:35:07.079 feel safe, and I would be safer if you did this, in fact, 463 00:35:07.199 --> 00:35:12.119 I'm going to require it from here on and out because this is now 464 00:35:12.159 --> 00:35:15.239 my boundary. I'm uncomfortable with X, Y, and Z, and I 465 00:35:15.239 --> 00:35:20.079 would rather this. In fact, it's going to be my new boundary. 466 00:35:21.719 --> 00:35:24.760 I like to tag on the end of this. I like to be very 467 00:35:24.920 --> 00:35:29.599 open when i'm setting a boundary, because again, you have to think about 468 00:35:29.639 --> 00:35:31.039 it. I'm not trying to fight this person. I'm trying to get more 469 00:35:31.079 --> 00:35:34.679 of what i want. So I'm not going to be like you suck, 470 00:35:34.800 --> 00:35:37.079 because that's not how you get anything you want. When me and Rasthma were 471 00:35:37.119 --> 00:35:42.480 at the height of my codependency and I was really struggling, I would say, 472 00:35:42.519 --> 00:35:47.000 look, I'm not fully evolved. This I know, and so I'm 473 00:35:47.039 --> 00:35:52.119 experiencing really intense emotions. And it would mean the world to me if we 474 00:35:52.159 --> 00:35:58.320 can have better communication when you're not here, when you're on a business trip. 475 00:35:58.880 --> 00:36:01.800 I'm not fully evolved, I know this. It would mean the world 476 00:36:01.840 --> 00:36:07.440 to me. I would feel safer if the action of communication could be a 477 00:36:07.480 --> 00:36:14.960 little bit more prominent when we're not together. We really want to be We're 478 00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:17.519 not trying to be confrontational, We're trying to get what we want, So 479 00:36:17.559 --> 00:36:21.599 we're going to befriend their ego. We're not going to try to attack it 480 00:36:21.639 --> 00:36:25.480 because that would make literally no fucking sense. Then the next stage of setting 481 00:36:25.480 --> 00:36:29.960 boundaries is you have to actually give them time to fulfill it. Now, 482 00:36:29.960 --> 00:36:32.320 they might slip up here and there, but it's going to be very obvious 483 00:36:32.360 --> 00:36:37.639 whether someone's slipping up every now and then versus just trying to fight your boundaries. 484 00:36:38.639 --> 00:36:44.480 There's going to be this process of you now watching can they respect my 485 00:36:44.559 --> 00:36:47.800 boundaries? Do they understand my boundaries? If you have to repeat yourself once 486 00:36:47.880 --> 00:36:51.960 or twice, it's not the end of the world. Just as you're trying 487 00:36:52.000 --> 00:36:54.079 to get to know yourself and your boundaries, they're also trying to learn your 488 00:36:54.119 --> 00:37:00.559 boundaries. So give them a grace period. There was a question about how 489 00:37:00.559 --> 00:37:05.000 to deal with an ex husband who you share fifty percent custody with. Now 490 00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:08.199 this brings up the point of there's different kinds of boundaries that are really important 491 00:37:08.199 --> 00:37:14.000 to understand. One is physical boundaries. If you're dealing with an X who 492 00:37:14.039 --> 00:37:19.280 you share fifty percent custody with, the physical boundary I would have is I'm 493 00:37:19.320 --> 00:37:22.159 not hanging out with you. We're not getting pizza every Friday night with the 494 00:37:22.159 --> 00:37:25.039 whole entire family, especially if it's someone who I have problems with. Right 495 00:37:25.599 --> 00:37:29.760 if it's not, maybe it's a different story, but it seems like we're 496 00:37:29.760 --> 00:37:32.599 having some contention with this person. The physical boundary is I see you when 497 00:37:32.599 --> 00:37:36.400 you drop off the kids. I see you when I drop off the kids, 498 00:37:36.480 --> 00:37:40.239 and that is that's our physical boundary. We're not hanging out, we're 499 00:37:40.280 --> 00:37:45.400 not sometimes being intimate when we need a booty call. We have this physical 500 00:37:45.400 --> 00:37:49.239 boundary. You are of my past. I need you to be some sort 501 00:37:49.280 --> 00:37:51.800 of partner in my life. So we need to keep this side of the 502 00:37:51.840 --> 00:37:55.039 street clean. We need to keep this side of the street unbothered because you're 503 00:37:55.079 --> 00:38:00.360 someone I need to have communication with till I mean at least start eighteen probably 504 00:38:00.400 --> 00:38:05.920 after that as well. Knowing this, I'm not going to have any sort 505 00:38:05.920 --> 00:38:07.920 of intimate to say with you. I'm not going to spend more time than 506 00:38:07.920 --> 00:38:13.039 I need you with you because I don't want to bring up and hash out 507 00:38:13.119 --> 00:38:17.400 old wounds and problems. I'm gonna see you here and there when I need 508 00:38:17.440 --> 00:38:22.800 to because of the kids. Now, I would also have conversation boundaries. 509 00:38:22.840 --> 00:38:25.719 Remember at the top of this podcast one. I had that boundary with my 510 00:38:25.760 --> 00:38:29.719 mom. Mom, I can't listen to people I don't know and hear their 511 00:38:29.719 --> 00:38:34.679 whole entire SOB stories fifty times. Okay, you need to have conversation boundaries 512 00:38:34.679 --> 00:38:37.079 with them as well. If you're talking to them, it should be about 513 00:38:37.119 --> 00:38:40.599 the kids. It shouldn't be about who you're dating. It shouldn't be about 514 00:38:40.639 --> 00:38:45.119 what's going on at work. It should not be about politics. If your 515 00:38:45.159 --> 00:38:51.079 talking it's your ex husband who you share custody with, the conversations I would 516 00:38:51.119 --> 00:38:54.679 assume should be about the kids. Now, you can take my advice with 517 00:38:54.679 --> 00:38:59.239 a grain of salt and mold it to what works for you. Obviously, 518 00:38:59.320 --> 00:39:00.800 I'm not God, so you have to figure out how it's going to work 519 00:39:00.800 --> 00:39:05.400 for you. But you're asking for my advice, and so I would say 520 00:39:05.559 --> 00:39:08.119 I would have conversation boundaries, and I would have physical boundaries as well. 521 00:39:09.679 --> 00:39:15.039 Do not betray these boundaries, because if you dip your toe back into that 522 00:39:15.199 --> 00:39:23.960 old pool, things can get a little bit messy. Boundaries are like a 523 00:39:24.000 --> 00:39:28.760 baby. You have to nurture them. You've got to feed them. You 524 00:39:28.800 --> 00:39:35.199 need to feed them time, attention frequency. Another question was I feel like 525 00:39:35.360 --> 00:39:43.920 I've raised my boundaries and got more alone and lost interest in most boys. 526 00:39:44.039 --> 00:39:50.239 Well, congratuate fucking relations. You've weeded out the fuck boys. You've weeded 527 00:39:50.239 --> 00:39:54.079 out the people who aren't up to your standard. That's not a negative thing. 528 00:39:55.719 --> 00:40:01.400 Don't give up because you're in the weeding out phase and you've lost some 529 00:40:01.440 --> 00:40:07.079 connection. You know. It's really interesting. My yoga teacher was saying, 530 00:40:07.119 --> 00:40:09.840 every time she does ashtanga. If I'm even kind of saying that right, 531 00:40:09.880 --> 00:40:13.760 I don't know, But every time she does this, it's like a harder 532 00:40:13.800 --> 00:40:19.119 form of yoga. People leave, She loses people. And in that moment, 533 00:40:19.159 --> 00:40:22.039 I just realized that sometimes you have to lose the wrong people in order 534 00:40:22.079 --> 00:40:27.920 to gain the right ones. Lose the people who aren't so passionate about yoga 535 00:40:27.960 --> 00:40:31.000 so we can get the die hard yoga people in here. Those are the 536 00:40:31.000 --> 00:40:36.480 people who are going to actually activate and be the foundation of your business, 537 00:40:36.559 --> 00:40:40.760 not the people who come and go because of the weather. Sometimes you have 538 00:40:40.840 --> 00:40:45.880 to lose the wrong people initially to gain the right ones. When I started 539 00:40:45.920 --> 00:40:50.719 posting different kind of content, I lost people, followers that I knew from 540 00:40:50.719 --> 00:40:52.880 my past, but I ended up gaining sixty thousand followers. I don't really 541 00:40:53.159 --> 00:41:00.800 care by Martha, don't even remember anything about you. If you want a 542 00:41:00.800 --> 00:41:06.519 new life, you have to start doing different things. Period, end of 543 00:41:06.559 --> 00:41:10.440 story. If you want a new life, get used to having new boundaries 544 00:41:10.440 --> 00:41:15.960 and a new standard. The sticky, icky season of setting boundaries may also 545 00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:22.840 come up again when you realize there's some people in your life who continuously disrespect 546 00:41:22.880 --> 00:41:25.079 you, and now you realize you can't have them in your life anymore. 547 00:41:25.639 --> 00:41:29.639 Like I said, there's gonna be that season of Okay, I set the 548 00:41:29.639 --> 00:41:31.679 boundary. Now I have to watch are they going to try to run up 549 00:41:31.719 --> 00:41:36.000 against it or are they not? The people who hate your boundaries are the 550 00:41:36.039 --> 00:41:39.480 people who are going to try to cross them for their own benefit? Do 551 00:41:39.519 --> 00:41:45.639 you really want those people in your life? Another question, would you please 552 00:41:45.719 --> 00:41:53.719 drop some info about how to uphold boundaries? Okay? Yeah? Like I 553 00:41:53.760 --> 00:41:58.519 said before, your boundaries have more to do with you than others, so 554 00:41:58.599 --> 00:42:04.559 you have to hold them up for you. I know the voice will come 555 00:42:04.599 --> 00:42:08.199 back, the joker voice, and say, but it's so much easier if 556 00:42:08.239 --> 00:42:12.679 you just let this boundary go. I remember there would be times where I 557 00:42:12.840 --> 00:42:16.840 really wanted to see a rasmo I wanted to see him, but I haven't 558 00:42:16.880 --> 00:42:22.920 had time with myself. I didn't go to yoga, I wasn't prioritizing my 559 00:42:22.960 --> 00:42:24.199 own space and my own needs, and I would have to say, cc, 560 00:42:24.400 --> 00:42:29.440 no, do you really want to fall back into the codependent patterns? 561 00:42:29.800 --> 00:42:32.880 Do you really want to fall back into not knowing yourself? To me, 562 00:42:34.119 --> 00:42:39.000 that would be so painful. So I made a promise to myself. And 563 00:42:39.079 --> 00:42:44.599 what I would love for you to do is make a commitment letter or contract 564 00:42:44.639 --> 00:42:50.119 to yourself, because there's gonna be what I would like to call weak knee 565 00:42:50.239 --> 00:42:52.199 moments where you're gonna feel weak in the knees, where you're not gonna want 566 00:42:52.199 --> 00:42:55.400 to set the boundary where you're wanting to go back to your familiar patterns, 567 00:42:55.760 --> 00:43:00.159 and you need to have some sort of commitment statement that you can just pull 568 00:43:00.239 --> 00:43:04.360 up on your phone or it's on your wall, and you can remind yourself 569 00:43:04.519 --> 00:43:08.559 why you're doing what you're doing. I see see set boundaries so I can 570 00:43:08.639 --> 00:43:14.880 know my own power. I see see set boundaries so that I can fully 571 00:43:14.920 --> 00:43:17.880 live to my full potential. I see see set boundaries because I'm never going 572 00:43:17.920 --> 00:43:22.599 to go back to the version of myself that fell powerless every single day, 573 00:43:22.880 --> 00:43:28.079 hated herself and felt so alone. I set these boundaries for me, and 574 00:43:28.119 --> 00:43:34.719 I'm happier now than I've ever been before. Have a commitment statement to yourself 575 00:43:34.760 --> 00:43:37.760 that you can pull up whenever you need to remind yourself why you're doing what 576 00:43:37.800 --> 00:43:42.719 you're doing. And also keep in mind, with boundaries, we see results 577 00:43:42.760 --> 00:43:45.559 not instantly but over time. So if you want to see the results, 578 00:43:45.639 --> 00:43:52.440 you have to keep faith to yourself and to this process. Someone asked, 579 00:43:52.519 --> 00:43:57.800 how do you set boundaries when they pull away? Again? This is another 580 00:43:57.880 --> 00:44:01.559 self boundary when someone pulling away. We don't want to label that as well, 581 00:44:01.559 --> 00:44:06.400 what's wrong with me? Why am I broken? Why am I worthless? 582 00:44:06.400 --> 00:44:07.360 Why does this always happen to me? No, we want to see 583 00:44:07.360 --> 00:44:10.719 this as I this is a turn off. And when they come back, 584 00:44:10.760 --> 00:44:15.639 because they always do, we're going to tell them, look, you disappearing 585 00:44:15.679 --> 00:44:17.000 for three days and no text, that's not going to work for me. 586 00:44:17.280 --> 00:44:20.760 If that's what you want to do, fine, but that's not what I 587 00:44:20.800 --> 00:44:22.360 want. So we should just go our separate ways. Just let me know 588 00:44:22.559 --> 00:44:30.760 now, because remember, we're not trying to force anyone to manipulate themselves to 589 00:44:30.840 --> 00:44:35.039 be what we want. No, if you want to be in accordance with 590 00:44:35.039 --> 00:44:36.920 me, if you want to stay in my life, this is what I 591 00:44:36.960 --> 00:44:38.719 need. If you don't want to do that, fine, but this is 592 00:44:38.760 --> 00:44:44.599 not going to be a connection. I want to continue up front, straight 593 00:44:44.639 --> 00:44:50.039 to the point. That's it self talk. I will say. You know, 594 00:44:50.159 --> 00:44:54.199 boundaries can change over time when you first start dating someone. In my 595 00:44:54.320 --> 00:44:57.760 case, I'm not having sex with you if I just met you. I 596 00:44:57.760 --> 00:44:59.760 don't care if we went out on three dates. If I don't feel in 597 00:44:59.800 --> 00:45:04.840 the connection, I'm not having sex with you by So that was my boundary 598 00:45:04.840 --> 00:45:07.320 at first, But then once I start dating you for six months, etc. 599 00:45:07.840 --> 00:45:10.199 That boundary then goes away. So keep in mind, I don't want 600 00:45:10.239 --> 00:45:14.360 you to feel so constricted by your boundaries, because I think sometimes we get 601 00:45:14.400 --> 00:45:16.880 that way. Keep in mind it's okay for your boundaries to mold over time, 602 00:45:16.920 --> 00:45:21.239 but it's not okay for you to have no boundaries at all. Let's 603 00:45:21.280 --> 00:45:24.079 talk about the ultimate boundary. Someone asks, how do you set boundaries with 604 00:45:24.119 --> 00:45:29.800 an axe and cut them off completely? All you're gonna say, if they 605 00:45:29.880 --> 00:45:32.719 keep talking to you again, straight up, straight to the point, not 606 00:45:32.760 --> 00:45:37.960 sugarcoating. This is no longer serving me. I am simply done. What 607 00:45:37.119 --> 00:45:40.599 you have done is a turn off. Block, delete, out of sight, 608 00:45:40.679 --> 00:45:45.039 out of mind. I don't care. If he emails you don't fucking 609 00:45:45.079 --> 00:45:49.400 answer it, delete it, don't even read it. Mute them, block 610 00:45:49.480 --> 00:45:52.119 them, delete them, out of sight, out of mind. If you 611 00:45:52.199 --> 00:45:55.239 really want to remove someone out of your life, guests the fuck what you 612 00:45:55.320 --> 00:46:00.079 can, but you have to stop focusing on them, and that means you 613 00:45:59.840 --> 00:46:01.800 need to remove all the triggers in your life that remind you of them. 614 00:46:02.079 --> 00:46:07.559 Unfriend their mom on Facebook, stop liking their sister's photos, Mute their whole 615 00:46:07.800 --> 00:46:12.199 entire family, and that's going to help you refocus on you. But if 616 00:46:12.239 --> 00:46:15.239 you're trying to refocus on you and you see the sister's wedding shower, the 617 00:46:15.360 --> 00:46:19.800 mom's posting about the grandkid, it's just trigger, trigger, trigger. You 618 00:46:19.920 --> 00:46:23.119 have to remove the triggers that you can. We can't remove every single trigger 619 00:46:23.159 --> 00:46:27.639 on planet Earth, but there are some, like social media triggers in which 620 00:46:27.639 --> 00:46:31.000 you can remove, So fucking remove them. Block them. If they email 621 00:46:31.039 --> 00:46:35.239 you, I don't care. We're not answering them. You're telling me you 622 00:46:35.239 --> 00:46:37.320 want to cut them off completely, So do it. So do it. 623 00:46:37.760 --> 00:46:43.360 And by the way, you don't owe someone an explanation who has done harm 624 00:46:43.440 --> 00:46:46.199 to you. So this person is consistently unhealthy doing harm to you, you 625 00:46:46.239 --> 00:46:50.800 don't owe them anything. I had a client the other day tell me you 626 00:46:50.800 --> 00:46:52.880 know, this guy came up to me and he was asking me if I've 627 00:46:53.400 --> 00:46:57.920 ever been with someone and trying to get me to go in this other room. 628 00:46:57.920 --> 00:46:59.559 And she's like I kind of felt back because I was like, I'm 629 00:46:59.599 --> 00:47:02.639 not said, I'm like, why you shoot? I was I can't even 630 00:47:02.639 --> 00:47:07.400 speak right now. The woman was too stunned to speak because fuck that dude. 631 00:47:07.519 --> 00:47:09.880 Oh he's been gross. Number one and number two, you don't owe 632 00:47:09.880 --> 00:47:15.400 this stranger anyone. If someone is a stranger or they're doing something harmful to 633 00:47:15.480 --> 00:47:21.400 you, you don't fucking owe them anything. They might not even deserve an 634 00:47:21.400 --> 00:47:23.360 explanation, So maybe they don't. I don't know, but I'm airing on 635 00:47:23.400 --> 00:47:27.400 the side of caution. I would just say, what you've done is a 636 00:47:27.440 --> 00:47:30.360 turn off. This is no longer serving me. I'm done, block, 637 00:47:30.480 --> 00:47:37.360 delete, goodbye. So I hope this podcast has helped you understand how to 638 00:47:37.400 --> 00:47:43.119 be a positive bitch and set boundaries, how to keep boundaries, how to 639 00:47:43.119 --> 00:47:45.920 remind yourself of the boundaries, the commitment statement, all things we need. 640 00:47:46.440 --> 00:47:51.760 Keep in mind you can't know a boundary until contrast happens. So when something 641 00:47:51.800 --> 00:47:57.159 negative or you perceive as negative happens, remind yourself. I needed this experience 642 00:47:57.199 --> 00:48:00.119 to show me where I need a boundary. And that is fine, and 643 00:48:00.159 --> 00:48:01.199 that is amazing, and that as well, and you're going to use that 644 00:48:01.280 --> 00:48:05.519 to your advantage. Learn from it because we do not lose. We either 645 00:48:05.679 --> 00:48:12.760 evolve or we learn anyway. I love you so much as always, the 646 00:48:12.840 --> 00:48:15.880 sparkle and meet honors to sparkle in you. If you enjoyed this podcast, 647 00:48:15.239 --> 00:48:19.280 post it on social media. Be sure to tag me at that Bitch is 648 00:48:19.400 --> 00:48:24.199 positive and at that vibe and CC if you felt like this has taught you 649 00:48:24.239 --> 00:48:29.159 anything. If you enjoyed it, please leave a positive review on Apple Podcasts 650 00:48:29.159 --> 00:48:30.840 and Spotify. It helps the podcast so much and it means the world for 651 00:48:30.920 --> 00:48:34.159 me. If not for me, do it for you. Hello, good 652 00:48:34.199 --> 00:48:37.760 Karma. If you think this podcast could help a friend or maybe assembling, 653 00:48:37.800 --> 00:48:40.800 a cousin, a mom, whoever it may be, send it to them. 654 00:48:40.960 --> 00:48:45.599 You never know what words someone needs to hear. And I will see 655 00:48:45.599 --> 00:49:12.719 you in the next one, I got bad because we can't spare. I 656 00:49:14.800 --> 00:49:15.960 can't ask me, I can't ask me.