I'm sorrygies. What's up? Positive bitches? How are we doing today?
If you're hearing this episode, you are meant to be here, So keep
listening on that Bitch's Positive Podcast. Sometimes we will laugh. Othertimes, Baby
Girl, we're gonna cry, but we will always walk away a feeling our
most empowered positive bitch self. That is Baby in true connection with herself.
On this podcast, we simply unbecome who we are not, so we can
fully step into exactly who we incarnated here too be Can I get a name?
Hey man? Today I'm giving you my very own positive Bitch Boundaries Bible.
Okay, We're gonna learn how to make boundaries. We're gonna learn how
to keep boundaries. We're gonna chit chat about which boundaries to use and when,
whether it's a coworker or anax, we are not going to leave anything
out. Let me just tell you, as a recovering codependent, I have
become a dangerous woman now that I've learned my own power. And there's truly
nothing more dangerous than a woman who discovers her own power. Actually, now
that I think about it, the only thing more dangerous than a woman who
has discovered her own power is a woman who has discovered her own power and
is now helping other women to discover their power, and not exactly that is
exactly what we are doing in the Positive Bitch Realm. Hello, Hello,
Hello, So let's welcome ourselves to this podcast. Let's welcome ourselves to this
beautiful moment, which is just another invitation for us to take back our power.
Let's take a deep breath in through our nose and breathe it out through
our mouths. Oh yeah, doesn't that feel good? There's nowhere else you
need to be right now. There's nothing else you need to be doing.
We are here in this moment because this moment has purpose for us. Before
we get into it, a couple of announcements. If you're not yet following
me on Instagram at vibe in with CC and at that Bitch is Positive,
be sure to follow me there so you can suggest what topics we talk about
on this podcast. I put up a prompt this week, what questions do
you have about boundaries? And I picked a bunch of them to talk about
today. You'll also get daily tips and tricks on how to align with your
most magnetic timeline if you're looking to become a positive bitch, join the Pedestal
Path course. All the links will be in the show notes below. If
you're going through a breakup, the twenty one day break Up Globe Challenge,
Girl a Girl is for you. It will help you take back your power,
refocus on you, and hello glow up. If you want to understand
the subtle energies when dating, you can get the Calling your Power Back workbook
now. And if you're interested in healing your divine feminine energy, I have
a workbook for that too. Without further ado, let's get into today's episode
now. I have much much to say because, like I said, I
went from a people pleasing, codependent, anxious attachment woman to a woman who
understands her own fucking power. And as a woman who's been codependent and as
a woman who understands her own power, let me just say, I'd rather
be a woman who understands my own power. I rather be where I am
right now. So if you're on that shaky bridge of kind of codependent,
kind of independent, let me be the hand to reach out to you to
bring you across the bridge. Baby girl, Let's talk about boundaries now.
There is a huge misconception about boundaries, and I cannot go on one more
second without addressing this. We think I'm gonna set a boundary and I'm gonna
feel wonderful. I'm gonna set a boundary with my mom and I'm gonna feel
great. I'm gonna set this boundary with my boyfriend and I'm gonna feel so
good in the moment. Okay, yes, okay, No, who the
fuck told you that? Who told you that? Listen? Boundaries don't feel
good at first. They don't. They're very uncomfortable to set at first.
We have fear around setting boundaries. We're not used to setting boundaries, and
it feels really uncomfortable. And when we set a boundary. I have to
set boundaries with my mother because she will go into these rants out of nowhere.
And I love her, she's my bff. But she will go into
these rants about random people I don't know, and they'll be the most oppressing
stories I've ever heard in my life. My mom is a very loud Italian.
She loves to talk, she loves to chit chat. But this woman,
this one, she forgets everything. But somehow, if someone tells her
a horrific life story, She'll remember every detail. She will go into these
soliloquies of her just describing every terrible thing that's ever happened to someone. And
I'm like, Mom, we need a conversation boundary here. I can't.
I can't listen to it right now because you're filling up my airspace and I
feel like I cannot breathe, and we need to take it back twenty thousand
notches. Okay, thank you sitting boundaries with my mom. At first,
I felt so bad. I was like, Oh, I feel like she
needs to vent. I feel like she just wants to tell someone this story.
And I'm literally right here and I'm that person, and I'm her best
friend. I should listen to it. Know the fuck I shouldn't. It
was bringing down my vibration. It was making me feel like shit, and
I had to have all these stories of people I don't know for no fucking
reason. If you need to tell people sob stories every day of your life,
find a therapist. I'm your daughter. Learn the difference. Now.
I didn't say it like that to her, but for the purposes of this
podcast, this is my fucking space. I get to say what I want.
Hello. It didn't feel good at first. Moral of the story here,
It did not feel good at first because I felt bad. And I've
always been that person or my mom that would just sit and listen and I
can't. I can't. It doesn't make me feel good. Now. This
doesn't mean anytime she speaks, I'm like, you cannot speak to me.
I am your queen. It's not that. It's sometimes there are certain stories
that I'm like, Mom, I just I can't handle it right now.
I have a lot on my mind. I can't handle it right now.
It didn't feel good at first, though. Why does setting boundaries not feel
good at first? Well? Hello, Our ego loves familiarity, and when
we start anything new, it never feels good at first. We're like,
oh, should I do it? Should I not? I took out my
yoga bag and it just stared at me for a whole month before I even
went to yoga. Our ego loves familiarity because it thinks it thinks it does
not know, our intuition knows, our soul knows. Our ego thinks that
if it can predict what is to come, it can therefore keep us safe.
Our ego rather staying in an abusive relationship because at least it can predict
it, rather than be in a healthy relationship where it doesn't know how to
predict what may unfold. Our ego thinks it's protecting us by quote unquote keeping
us safe, But really what it's doing is keeping us in our comfort zone.
That doesn't mean it's keeping us safe, that doesn't mean it's good for
us. It's keeping us stuck. So when you're going to set a boundary,
the first thing I want you to understand is, yeah, it's not
always going to feel comfortable, and it may feel a little icky, sticky.
There's gonna be that voice in your head that says, don't set the
boundary, don't do it. It's like this little It's almost like I think
about myself as a queen, and then I think about the little jokester who
would come to me in my queendom and be trying to tell me jokes,
and like it's like, no, no, stop it, stop it.
That voice is going to be there. You don't need to listen to that
voice. So, yes, there is a misconception that when we set a
boundary, it's going to feel good. We have a problem in general society
where we want this instant gratification. Boundaries are not something that's going to give
you instant gratification, but they will help you over time, glow from the
inside out. They will help you heal, They will help you put the
pieces of yourself back together. They will allow you to get connected with yourself
and raise your vibration and elevate your life and all of your relationships. But
they take time. They take time to create, set, and keep,
They take time to work. They take time for you to see the actual
results. It may take time just to get the courage to set this boundary,
and then there's that awkward phase where you have to see if it's working
or not. You have to see can I keep this person in my life
or not? Are they going to continue to try to across my boundary?
Maybe I need to set it again. Is it clear? So yes,
there's going to be an icky, sticky season when you're setting boundaries, but
this isn't going to last. It's a phase. So we'll honor the phase
of the icky sticky season, but all while knowing these boundaries are here to
actually save us and our relationships. Because when we don't have boundaries, we
think, oh, I'll just let him step all over me, and that's
going to keep the relationship going. No, bitch, you're gonna start to
erode from the inside out. You're gonna start to have resentment for that dude.
You're going to start to fucking hate him and have zero confidence in yourself.
So unless that sounds good to you, we need to rewrite the story
here. The second point I want to bring to your attention, boundaries are
sometimes tricky to create because you have to unlearn your identity that doesn't know how
to have any boundaries at all. And this has a lot to do with
your self concept. If you're having trouble with your self concept, literally have
a package. It's a five week package, one on one where I will
help you establish a new self concept, unlearn your old self concept, and
completely physically, psychologically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually clean the slate for you
so you can align with the new timeline. If you're interested, you can
DM me on Instagram at bibulancy Seats, one of my favorite packages. Oh
and by the way, I have one more opening in my Magnetic Mastery package.
It's really a program if anyone's interested. That one is twelve weeks one
on one, and it's a package specifically tailored to you and all of your
needs. Anyway, if you have learned your whole entire life that anytime you
set a boundary, you got yelled at, someone got angry at you,
it caused confrontation, people turned away from you. Of course you're not gonna
want to set boundaries. Of Course you're going to have fear around setting boundaries.
Of Course they're going to be uncomfortable every time you want to say,
hey, that's my toy, you can't steal it from me. Hey,
mom, I really don't want to yelled at and punched in the face.
Okay, that is really extreme, but that's just what came to my head.
If every time you try to set a boundary, you got yelled at,
they turn their back on you, you got the silent treatment. Of
course, you're not going to like to set boundaries because you've learned that boundaries
lead to social exclusion, and as social beings, the number one thing we
don't want to happen is rejection. Because in tribal times, when we were
rejected from our tribe and we had to go off on our own, we
couldn't hunt fish know which berries were poisonous and which berries were not poisonous.
Build our own hut, know all of the trails, understand the lay of
the land, make clothing all by ourselves. That's why our ancestors lived in
these communities, because they needed to rely on one another to fulfill different needs
to survive. Soual inclusion is really a biological need that we have in our
bodies. When we think we're going to be excluded, we learn real quick,
Okay, I'm never going to do that again. If we learn that
setting boundaries has always led to social exclusion, we're never going to be We're
never going to be doing those behaviors ever again. We're gonna say no,
not for me, I need to be socially included. Goodbye. Understand there's
not something wrong with you. You're not faulty, you're not fucked up,
and you're not broken. You've learned a certain self concept. You learned a
way to connect to others. And the way you learned is I can't set
boundaries if I want to be included. I can't set boundaries if I'm going
to be liked. That's a fucking lie. It may have been what you've
learned until you manifested relationships on that concept and on that belief. But it's
a fucking lie. I have many relationships and they're all founded on boundaries,
including my relationship with my partner and my mother. It's going to feel icky,
sticky season, and that's okay. You wouldn't think a kid learning how
to ride a bike was a dummy, would you, Because that's kind of
fucked up. So don't think of yourself as this dummy, broken down,
worthless piece of ship. No, No, that's that jokester voice again.
No, No, you're learning a new way of being. It's going to
take time. So this is your come to Jesus moment where you understand and
learn that you need to have fucking compassion for yourself if you want to get
this ship on a roll. I was gonna say, I don't know.
If you want to get this ship moving and grooven, you gotta have some
compassion for yourself, because yes, it doesn't always happen overnight. Yes it
does take time. You've been this one way for so long and now you
have to learn a new way of being. Hello, It's obviously going to
take some time, So have compassion for yourself now. One of the questions
from you beautiful positive bitches on Instagram was how do you draw boundaries without fear
of losing someone and keeping faith they will stay. This really touches on something
we talked about last week. Forget about princess treatment and get queen treatment instead.
So if you haven't listened to that, definitely go listen because it's really
going to help you gain the confidence you need to set boundaries. But if
you have to betray yourself in order for someone to stay in your life,
to put it, simply, fuck them and run. I do I need
to explain that if you have to consistently throw yourself off the pedestal and put
someone else pam there so they stay in your life, fuck them and run.
What are you talking about? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Did you
come all the way to planet Earth and incarnate so you can be someone's slave?
They're energetic slave? Oh? Oh, is that what you came here
to do? No, let's snap out of it. What the fuck are
we doing? What the fuck are we doing? That doesn't make any sense,
That doesn't make anyone. First of all, here's the other thing.
You can't make someone stay if someone wants to leave, news flash, they're
gonna fucking leave. They're going to And why would you want someone who wants
to leave set? Why would you want someone like that to stay in your
life? Someone who can't see your worth and can't respect you, you would
a turn off. That's how I'm seeing it. Why are you seeing it
the same way? And I know what I'm saying right now sounds a little
rough. We know I'm from New York, so just bear with me.
But also I give you tough love because sometimes we need someone to shake us
the fuck up. And sometimes our friends are gonna be like Casey, it's
okay, Like you know, maybe he didn't mean it, Casey fucked that
dude and run okay, or whoever it is. I don't care who it
is. I'm gonna be that tough love center for you because we need to
wake the fuck up. We need to wake up to our own power and
stop being energetic slaves to people who frankly kind of fucking suck. I don't
know if you guys are noticing that, but I have. If you have
to betray yourself for them, we're on. We're on. I don't know
if you know this, But there's like eight billion people on the planet.
I can assure you there's someone at least one, probably many, that can
be with you and won't require you to tray yourself for them. You have
to draw these boundaries. Let go and let God, let go and let
flow. If they want to leave your life, let them. If they
want to stay, let them. When we're so much in our masculine energy
trying don't undrawl everything, we can't even see what God has in store for
us because we're trying so hard to draw out our own map, and now
we're ceiling is God's floor? Why limit yourself? What if there's someone a
billion times better? Why limit yourself? If they want to go, let
them go. Because let me tell you something. Here's a tale. When
I initiated a break with my partner, and at first he didn't want to
do it, and then eventually he wanted to leave because we just got so
unhealthy for one another. I remember I was like trying to snapchat him,
I was trying to text him. I had my mother and my father in
the room on the phone with him with me yep yep in the den,
and I was hysterically crying and I was trying to get my mom to convince
him, like, what's going on? Are you sure if you leave now
you could lose her forever. I tried everything. I got him into therapy.
Okay, none of those things allowed him to stay in my life.
I begged him, my mom talked to him, and my dad probably talked
to him too. Probably there's nothing you can do, because why frequency overforce.
You cannot force someone to stay in your life, and honestly, frankly,
why the fuck would you want to Trying to force someone to stay in
your life is just walking someone better Anyway, We're getting away from the point
of this podcast. So if you have fear around creating boundaries, that's fine.
That's expected because you're learning a new self. You're unlearning who you had
to be in order to survive, and now you're learning who you actually gore
and releasing all the other bullshit. It's a new behavior. We're not going
to get instant gratification. Expect there to be an uncomfortable feeling when you're setting
boundaries. That's fine. That feeling will fade as you practice. Feelings are
not final, they will flow out. Let them be taken to account.
The feeling understanding what we've already talked about, and we're gonna one in doubt,
keep going okay when in doubt, we're gonna do it anyway. So
we're going to start with our own mind, our own imagination, our own
self talk, and we're going to start priming ourselves to set boundaries. This
doesn't have to happen overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day. Before you
put on your makeup, what do you do, you prime in your face.
So we're going to do the same thing with our mind before setting boundaries.
So we're going to start with affirmations. That's it. Post them on
your wall, on your mirror. Every day. You need to be saying
this. It's safe for me to create and uphold my own boundaries. I'll
say it again, it's safe for me to create and uphold my own boundaries.
That's one. Number Two. It's safe for me to create a new
life with new rules. I'll say it again, it's safe for me to
create a new life. What new rules? And the third one is I'm
allowed to protect myself. I'm allowed to protect myself. Right now, we're
just in the stage of priming ourselves. We're getting used to the idea of
setting boundaries. There is this phase of contemplation when we're making a decision to
try a new behavior, and if you've been contemplating should I said the boundary?
Should I not? This is going to help you come to your decision
of setting the fucking boundary, because if you're questioning it, you need it.
Okay. Another question was how do I get rid of the fear of
setting boundaries? So okay, One thing is we prime with the affirmation.
Another way to prime is to when you're setting a boundary, don't visualize yourself
that you're setting the boundary for. Visualize your inner child, because guess the
fuck what that is who you're actually standing up for and setting the boundary for
When you are growing up, No one was protecting you in that way.
No one was setting the boundary for you in that way. Your inner child
lives on within you. Who gets protect your inner child now? But you?
You, You are the person you've been waiting for to save you.
We physically age every single birthday, but emotionally energetically, we really don't unless
we're doing the work That five year old self who wasn't allowed to have any
boundaries she's still within you. So instead of thinking, oh, I have
to stand up for myself, think of her. You're standing up for her.
Not only will that help you set the boundary, because we're more likely
to stand up for someone else than we are ourselves, but also it's going
to give you a visualization tactic. It's going to hit on your emotional hard
strings, and it's going to give you that motivation. It's going to push
you towards making that boundary. It's going to give you the confidence to do
so. Another tool to help you create boundaries is start with low stake relationships.
So I used to hate when I would go to the nail salon and
the nail tech was doing my nails and it was just like terrible. I
would feel so bad saying anything. I would hate it and still tip like
a million bajillion because I was just like, nah, whatever. Now I
can stand up for my own fingers when I don't like what's going on.
I recently went to the nail salon and I had a stick up for my
nails because oh no, I was looking all types are crazy. I showed
the nail tech, who I absolutely love, an a door. She's amazing.
I showed her a photo and the photo had oval nails. I have
square nails, though, but I just assumed even though it's oval, because
I said, I know this is oval, I have square, but can
we just take the design and do it on my square nail? She's like,
of course, so she starts doing it, but she starts painting the
French nail part like circular on my nail, as if I had oval nails,
but I don't have square, so it looked very odd, and I
very politely just said, oh, you know how this is oval? Can
you just make it a line, just like a French on a square nail
instead of the oval. Sometimes someone just doesn't understand what you mean, and
you just need to clarify. Did anyone die for me sticking up for myself
about my nails? No? Did anyone cry? No? Did an earthquake
happen? No? Sometimes you just need to ask yourself, like, what
is my biggest fear that's going to happen? If I just stick up for
myself, they could say no, fuck it, let them let them say
no, what's really going to happen? If I just stick up for myself
and say, you know what staccy. My hair looks not blond but literally
orange? Right now? Can you just can you just put some more something
in a girl? Because this is not working for me? What's the worst
that can happen? Sometimes you just need to write down all of your fears
and look at them and be like, Okay, none of these things are
actually going to happen, and if they did, I can handle them.
I used to think, if we break up, what's the worst that can
happen? I'll be single? Oh okay, and I'm not gonna die.
I'm not gonna be rejected from all walks of life. I'll just be single.
Sometimes we need need to actually have a collegious conversation with ourselves and ask
ourselves, what am I so much fearing? You have to speak up for
yourself. You have to have boundaries with other people. Why because it feels
so much better, because it's you standing in your power. Because if you
don't set boundaries for yourself, who will. So when I was speaking up
for my nails, could you say that's a boundary? It is a boundary
for me because I have a boundary that if someone is doing something to me
and I don't like it, I can't just let that be. That's a
self boundary have And a lot of our boundaries aren't really with other people.
They're actually with ourselves, but they require us to communicate with that person.
And that's the part we seem to clam up around the next question, how
to kindly tenderly tell a man, or a job offer or a friend that
they're not for me. I think a lot of us think, again,
this is a self boundary, like, oh, I don't want this person
with me, this is something I don't want for me. It's a self
boundary, but it requires communication. I think, especially as woman, we
like tiptoe around. Oh I don't want to say I'm not interested, so
let me just say this, But then we never clearly get our point across
and someone might still be confused. It's so funny. I was watching this
video on YouTube from the Cut or Jubilee or like one of those, and
they and the girls had to rate themselves in order who was the most attractive
and who was like the least attractive, and guys have had to do it
too. The guys were so much more upfront, and the girls are all
trying to compliment one another, Like me, no I'm disgusting. I am
literally feral. You're beautiful. They'll let me go last. And it's just
so funny to see how women communicate versus men who are like, now,
I'm hotter than you get, but behind me. It was just funny.
Men tend to be more direct. They do. We think a lot of
the time, well, let me just sugarcoat this to the heavens so that
I don't hurt their feelings. You're actually doing more harm than good when you
do that. Being passive, aggressive, or trying to sugarcoat something to the
heavens does more harm than good because it leaves people confused, and then they
still think they have a chance, and they waste more time, and you
waste more time. What's going to help them the most is if you are
just direct. Let's say someone's interested in us and we're not interested back.
Oh my god, thank you. I am so flattered, but I'm just
not interested in you. And I don't want to waste your time. Because
you are such a great catch, so many people will be into you.
You deserve to go after those people. You deserve to go get those opportunities
right now, right here. That's it. I'm just not interested. So
many other people will be Sayanora, that's it. I don't want to waste
your time. You don't want to be like fuck you. No, you
can just be like I'm not interested. I don't want to waste your time.
Good luck. That's it. That's it. Honestly, think about how
men talk to one another. They're like fuck you, fuck you, Okay,
we're best friends. Just be direct. I'm not interested. I'm sure
other people will be have at it. Now let's say it's a job offer
again, be direct. This just isn't the right fit for me. Thank
you so much. At work, yeah, we have to have this professional
filter. But it doesn't mean you can't tell someone no. You can say
no, thank you, no, not at this time. No, that's
not suitable for me. Even with clients, those entrepreneurs that are listening to
this right now, my Etsy girlies, my girlies who have their own business.
Maybe it's in the service industry, like me, have your own coaching
business. You have to have boundaries with even clients. I was having people.
They were signing up, but then they weren't showing, and it made
my schedule such a mess. I had to tell people, if you are
a no show. I have to take your money because you need to learn
that this isn't okay. If you repeatedly are a no show, it's not
going to work for me because I bend my whole entire schedule. I put
you in it, and if you're not going to show up, you are
then reversing everything I just bent, and it creates such chaos. I can't
do that with all these different people. I have people saying, can you
just give me a discount because like blah blah blah blah, how is it
fair Bianca? If I give you a discount and nobody else, I can't
do that. When you have your own business, you have to be actually
same thing in dating, you really need to know your own worth. Whether
you're selling on your Etsy store, or you're in the service industry, or
you're dating, you have to know your own worth and stick to it.
These are self boundaries, and we don't break the Let's say you need to
set a boundary with a friend or you know, anyone. It could be
a boyfriend, a friend of mother. You want to make sure that you're
doing it at a time that works for both of you. There was a
study where they actually found judges in the morning gave more lenient sentences to criminals
then during or close to lunchtime when they got hungrier. So just being a
little bit hungrier cause judges to give more harsh sentences. When you're setting a
boundary, you don't want to be under the influence of literally anything. You
need to be clear, head to clear minded, clear spirited. Okay,
you need to make sure they're not playing video games or watching a movie,
or it's during a mat game, whatever it may be. Make sure that
both of you have nothing else going on, you're both sober, and you
have time. Hey, can we talk this Saturday about X, Y and
Z. There's a couple of things that have been come up in my mind
and I just want to flush them out with you. Make sure we're on
the same page. Hey, something has really been bothering me. Can we
talk about it this weekend? Maybe over launch or I don't know, after
launch, or we can go to the park, whatever it may be.
You want to make sure that it's the two of you. You're sitting down
somewhere, maybe you're eating, maybe you're at a park, it doesn't matter,
but two of you have nothing else going on and you can concentrate.
That's going to help you. That's going to help them be more understanding,
because if they're in the middle of I don't know, call of duty or
something, they're not going to be like, oh yeah, I completely understand.
They're gonna be like Stacy, I'm busy, I can't talk right now.
So you think about it as positive. Bitches, you want to get
everything you want and more because we don't get mad, we get everything.
How do you get everything? You make sure you're talking to them at a
prime time. Okay, if you're having trouble with this, I want you
to imagine setting the boundary before you actually do it again. This is another
primer. Your mind doesn't know if what you're telling it is real, if
it's really happening, or if you're just telling it it's happening. So practice
in your mind setting this boundary. What are you going to say, how
are you going to say it? Are there certain points you need to hit
if you need to write it out, write it out, study it,
look at it, practice speaking it to them in your mind, and your
mind will be primed, plumped, and ready to do it in the moment
when you're setting a boundary. Make sure you're using self talk. This means
we're using I me. We're not saying you do this, you never do
that. You're saying I need this or this isn't working for me. I
remember when I was getting back with my now boyfriend. I can't believe it,
but it's going to be seven years or seven year anniversary this year.
Oh my god, in a month, in a month, in a month,
okay, anyway, I feel like I'm a teenager. How was that
pot I feel like I'm thirteen at ninety at the same time. It's a
very weird feeling. Any Okay, again, that's my problem, not yours.
Anyway, as I was saying, when I was getting back together with
my partner, I told him, because this was not he was not capable
of doing this before when we were being unhealthy. He was just not capable
of doing this. I said, if we get back together, something I
need once a day is a call. Is a phone call. It makes
me feel connected. Otherwise I literally forget people exist. It makes me feel
seen and heard and validated, and I really just need that in a relationship.
And I remember when I said that to him, he was like,
absolutely, no problem. And he did it. I didn't say you weren't
able to call me once a day before we really broke up. You weren't
able to do this. You're not. If you don't do this, I'm
fucking out of here. I didn't say that. I said, listen,
if we're gonna get back together, I need this. That's it. You
self talk. Maybe you need to set a boundary with your partner because they're
really clinging and they're always trying to be with you, and you feel like
you're losing yourself. So we would say something along the lines of, listen,
Brad, I love you and you love me. I have to do
yoga twice a week to feel like me. I have to do this because
it makes me show up my best in this relationship. When I do things
for me, I'm able to overflow and do things for us too. That's
it. You can say something along the lines of let's say they're doing something
that you really hate. In this case, you would say, this action
doesn't make me feel safe. You're not gonna say when you do this,
I don't like you this action. Depersonalize it. This action doesn't make me
feel safe, and I would be safer if you did this, in fact,
I'm going to require it from here on and out because this is now
my boundary. I'm uncomfortable with X, Y, and Z, and I
would rather this. In fact, it's going to be my new boundary.
I like to tag on the end of this. I like to be very
open when i'm setting a boundary, because again, you have to think about
it. I'm not trying to fight this person. I'm trying to get more
of what i want. So I'm not going to be like you suck,
because that's not how you get anything you want. When me and Rasthma were
at the height of my codependency and I was really struggling, I would say,
look, I'm not fully evolved. This I know, and so I'm
experiencing really intense emotions. And it would mean the world to me if we
can have better communication when you're not here, when you're on a business trip.
I'm not fully evolved, I know this. It would mean the world
to me. I would feel safer if the action of communication could be a
little bit more prominent when we're not together. We really want to be We're
not trying to be confrontational, We're trying to get what we want, So
we're going to befriend their ego. We're not going to try to attack it
because that would make literally no fucking sense. Then the next stage of setting
boundaries is you have to actually give them time to fulfill it. Now,
they might slip up here and there, but it's going to be very obvious
whether someone's slipping up every now and then versus just trying to fight your boundaries.
There's going to be this process of you now watching can they respect my
boundaries? Do they understand my boundaries? If you have to repeat yourself once
or twice, it's not the end of the world. Just as you're trying
to get to know yourself and your boundaries, they're also trying to learn your
boundaries. So give them a grace period. There was a question about how
to deal with an ex husband who you share fifty percent custody with. Now
this brings up the point of there's different kinds of boundaries that are really important
to understand. One is physical boundaries. If you're dealing with an X who
you share fifty percent custody with, the physical boundary I would have is I'm
not hanging out with you. We're not getting pizza every Friday night with the
whole entire family, especially if it's someone who I have problems with. Right
if it's not, maybe it's a different story, but it seems like we're
having some contention with this person. The physical boundary is I see you when
you drop off the kids. I see you when I drop off the kids,
and that is that's our physical boundary. We're not hanging out, we're
not sometimes being intimate when we need a booty call. We have this physical
boundary. You are of my past. I need you to be some sort
of partner in my life. So we need to keep this side of the
street clean. We need to keep this side of the street unbothered because you're
someone I need to have communication with till I mean at least start eighteen probably
after that as well. Knowing this, I'm not going to have any sort
of intimate to say with you. I'm not going to spend more time than
I need you with you because I don't want to bring up and hash out
old wounds and problems. I'm gonna see you here and there when I need
to because of the kids. Now, I would also have conversation boundaries.
Remember at the top of this podcast one. I had that boundary with my
mom. Mom, I can't listen to people I don't know and hear their
whole entire SOB stories fifty times. Okay, you need to have conversation boundaries
with them as well. If you're talking to them, it should be about
the kids. It shouldn't be about who you're dating. It shouldn't be about
what's going on at work. It should not be about politics. If your
talking it's your ex husband who you share custody with, the conversations I would
assume should be about the kids. Now, you can take my advice with
a grain of salt and mold it to what works for you. Obviously,
I'm not God, so you have to figure out how it's going to work
for you. But you're asking for my advice, and so I would say
I would have conversation boundaries, and I would have physical boundaries as well.
Do not betray these boundaries, because if you dip your toe back into that
old pool, things can get a little bit messy. Boundaries are like a
baby. You have to nurture them. You've got to feed them. You
need to feed them time, attention frequency. Another question was I feel like
I've raised my boundaries and got more alone and lost interest in most boys.
Well, congratuate fucking relations. You've weeded out the fuck boys. You've weeded
out the people who aren't up to your standard. That's not a negative thing.
Don't give up because you're in the weeding out phase and you've lost some
connection. You know. It's really interesting. My yoga teacher was saying,
every time she does ashtanga. If I'm even kind of saying that right,
I don't know, But every time she does this, it's like a harder
form of yoga. People leave, She loses people. And in that moment,
I just realized that sometimes you have to lose the wrong people in order
to gain the right ones. Lose the people who aren't so passionate about yoga
so we can get the die hard yoga people in here. Those are the
people who are going to actually activate and be the foundation of your business,
not the people who come and go because of the weather. Sometimes you have
to lose the wrong people initially to gain the right ones. When I started
posting different kind of content, I lost people, followers that I knew from
my past, but I ended up gaining sixty thousand followers. I don't really
care by Martha, don't even remember anything about you. If you want a
new life, you have to start doing different things. Period, end of
story. If you want a new life, get used to having new boundaries
and a new standard. The sticky, icky season of setting boundaries may also
come up again when you realize there's some people in your life who continuously disrespect
you, and now you realize you can't have them in your life anymore.
Like I said, there's gonna be that season of Okay, I set the
boundary. Now I have to watch are they going to try to run up
against it or are they not? The people who hate your boundaries are the
people who are going to try to cross them for their own benefit? Do
you really want those people in your life? Another question, would you please
drop some info about how to uphold boundaries? Okay? Yeah? Like I
said before, your boundaries have more to do with you than others, so
you have to hold them up for you. I know the voice will come
back, the joker voice, and say, but it's so much easier if
you just let this boundary go. I remember there would be times where I
really wanted to see a rasmo I wanted to see him, but I haven't
had time with myself. I didn't go to yoga, I wasn't prioritizing my
own space and my own needs, and I would have to say, cc,
no, do you really want to fall back into the codependent patterns?
Do you really want to fall back into not knowing yourself? To me,
that would be so painful. So I made a promise to myself. And
what I would love for you to do is make a commitment letter or contract
to yourself, because there's gonna be what I would like to call weak knee
moments where you're gonna feel weak in the knees, where you're not gonna want
to set the boundary where you're wanting to go back to your familiar patterns,
and you need to have some sort of commitment statement that you can just pull
up on your phone or it's on your wall, and you can remind yourself
why you're doing what you're doing. I see see set boundaries so I can
know my own power. I see see set boundaries so that I can fully
live to my full potential. I see see set boundaries because I'm never going
to go back to the version of myself that fell powerless every single day,
hated herself and felt so alone. I set these boundaries for me, and
I'm happier now than I've ever been before. Have a commitment statement to yourself
that you can pull up whenever you need to remind yourself why you're doing what
you're doing. And also keep in mind, with boundaries, we see results
not instantly but over time. So if you want to see the results,
you have to keep faith to yourself and to this process. Someone asked,
how do you set boundaries when they pull away? Again? This is another
self boundary when someone pulling away. We don't want to label that as well,
what's wrong with me? Why am I broken? Why am I worthless?
Why does this always happen to me? No, we want to see
this as I this is a turn off. And when they come back,
because they always do, we're going to tell them, look, you disappearing
for three days and no text, that's not going to work for me.
If that's what you want to do, fine, but that's not what I
want. So we should just go our separate ways. Just let me know
now, because remember, we're not trying to force anyone to manipulate themselves to
be what we want. No, if you want to be in accordance with
me, if you want to stay in my life, this is what I
need. If you don't want to do that, fine, but this is
not going to be a connection. I want to continue up front, straight
to the point. That's it self talk. I will say. You know,
boundaries can change over time when you first start dating someone. In my
case, I'm not having sex with you if I just met you. I
don't care if we went out on three dates. If I don't feel in
the connection, I'm not having sex with you by So that was my boundary
at first, But then once I start dating you for six months, etc.
That boundary then goes away. So keep in mind, I don't want
you to feel so constricted by your boundaries, because I think sometimes we get
that way. Keep in mind it's okay for your boundaries to mold over time,
but it's not okay for you to have no boundaries at all. Let's
talk about the ultimate boundary. Someone asks, how do you set boundaries with
an axe and cut them off completely? All you're gonna say, if they
keep talking to you again, straight up, straight to the point, not
sugarcoating. This is no longer serving me. I am simply done. What
you have done is a turn off. Block, delete, out of sight,
out of mind. I don't care. If he emails you don't fucking
answer it, delete it, don't even read it. Mute them, block
them, delete them, out of sight, out of mind. If you
really want to remove someone out of your life, guests the fuck what you
can, but you have to stop focusing on them, and that means you
need to remove all the triggers in your life that remind you of them.
Unfriend their mom on Facebook, stop liking their sister's photos, Mute their whole
entire family, and that's going to help you refocus on you. But if
you're trying to refocus on you and you see the sister's wedding shower, the
mom's posting about the grandkid, it's just trigger, trigger, trigger. You
have to remove the triggers that you can. We can't remove every single trigger
on planet Earth, but there are some, like social media triggers in which
you can remove, So fucking remove them. Block them. If they email
you, I don't care. We're not answering them. You're telling me you
want to cut them off completely, So do it. So do it.
And by the way, you don't owe someone an explanation who has done harm
to you. So this person is consistently unhealthy doing harm to you, you
don't owe them anything. I had a client the other day tell me you
know, this guy came up to me and he was asking me if I've
ever been with someone and trying to get me to go in this other room.
And she's like I kind of felt back because I was like, I'm
not said, I'm like, why you shoot? I was I can't even
speak right now. The woman was too stunned to speak because fuck that dude.
Oh he's been gross. Number one and number two, you don't owe
this stranger anyone. If someone is a stranger or they're doing something harmful to
you, you don't fucking owe them anything. They might not even deserve an
explanation, So maybe they don't. I don't know, but I'm airing on
the side of caution. I would just say, what you've done is a
turn off. This is no longer serving me. I'm done, block,
delete, goodbye. So I hope this podcast has helped you understand how to
be a positive bitch and set boundaries, how to keep boundaries, how to
remind yourself of the boundaries, the commitment statement, all things we need.
Keep in mind you can't know a boundary until contrast happens. So when something
negative or you perceive as negative happens, remind yourself. I needed this experience
to show me where I need a boundary. And that is fine, and
that is amazing, and that as well, and you're going to use that
to your advantage. Learn from it because we do not lose. We either
evolve or we learn anyway. I love you so much as always, the
sparkle and meet honors to sparkle in you. If you enjoyed this podcast,
post it on social media. Be sure to tag me at that Bitch is
positive and at that vibe and CC if you felt like this has taught you
anything. If you enjoyed it, please leave a positive review on Apple Podcasts
and Spotify. It helps the podcast so much and it means the world for
me. If not for me, do it for you. Hello, good
Karma. If you think this podcast could help a friend or maybe assembling,
a cousin, a mom, whoever it may be, send it to them.
You never know what words someone needs to hear. And I will see
you in the next one, I got bad because we can't spare. I
can't ask me, I can't ask me.